Saved by the Bell

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Saved by the Bell was a popular teen sitcom which ran from 1989 to 1993 and built a large, loyal fanbase. Its original incarnation, Good Morning, Miss Bliss (1987), starred Hayley Mills as the goodnatured Miss Carrie Bliss.

Season One[edit]

Dancing to the Max [1.1][edit]

Zack: Come on Jessie, there's lots of guys taller than you.
Jessie: Name one.
Zack: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?

Zack: Jessie, I'm in big trouble.
Jessie: What did you do, sell your parents' house again?

Danny: Jessie, would you like to be my dance partner in the contest?
Jessie: (Standing up) I'd love to...(Seeing how short Danny is) but I don't believe in dance contests.

Screech: (To the doll he was dancing with after being turned down by Lisa) It's all your fault, I told you to let me should lead!

Casey Kasem: C'mon everybody, let's do the... the.. the Sprain.

Kelly: What happened to you?
Lisa: I kicked the TV and sprained my ankle.
Jessie: Why?
Lisa: I was watching the new Revlon commercial and they discontinued my nail polish.

The Lisa Card [1.2][edit]

Zack: This looks like a job for, Zack-man.

Lisa: You think I went overboard?
Zack: Like the crew of the Titanic.

Zack: The moral of the story, gang. Well, it's simple; (Zack shows a credit card with the name Lisa on it) The Lisa Card, don't leave home WITH it.

Zack: Screech even sold his body to science.
Jessie: Yeah, they gave him twenty dollars to take it back.

Kid: Miss, this isn't what I ordered. You were supposed to toast my buns!
Lisa: You want toasted buns? Go sit on a microwave!

Lisa: I'm sorry, Max.
Max: That's okay. It's only the third tray you've dropped. Don't worry about it.

Zack: How's she doing? Let me put it another way. If Lisa were a car, she'd be recalled.

Zack: We only made $53 selling Lisa's clothes. So, she had to do the most humiliating, insulting, degrading thing possible for her - get a job.

Slater: I'm confused, sir. You know, maybe I'm just trying too hard to get girls to like me.
Mr. Belding: Hey, now I can identify with that. This may come as a surprise to you, but when I was your age, I wasn't... well, you know... the hunk I am now!
Slater: I can't believe this, sir! No, I thought you were Stud City!
Mr. Belding: Everybody thinks that!

Zack: ... Kelly got B's, and her parents got her ice cream... (looks at report card) I haven't figure out WHAT to buy my parents yet!


Slater: Does this look like a good dress sir?
Mr. Belding: Well I guess so, is it for your Girlfriend?
Slater: No Sir, it's for me. I wanted to wear it to school tomorrow.
Come in to my office young lady--Slater!

The Gift [1.3][edit]

Zack: A bad day at Bayside and not a vacation in sight. Now is time for midterms and the worst of them all is history with..
Zack{booming voice}: Terrible Testaverde!
Students in passageway flee in panic. Lisa appears with donuts as she is overeating due to nervousness
Lisa: Zack Morris, do not mention that man's name!
Zack: Oh you mean Terrible...UMPH!
Lisa shoves donut in Zack's mouth
Lisa: Here, have a donut. Have some more...no wait, I need the rest!

Mr. Testaverde: Where's the flood?!
Mr. Belding: George?! I thought you were hospitalized!
Mr. Testaverde: Richard?! I thought the pipes burst and flooded the school. That is why I am here, plumbing is my hobby!
Mr. Belding: That never happened, I am here to give your midterm, see?
Mr. Testaverde: These are not the questions to my midterm. Richard, you called me.
Mr. Belding: No George, you called me. Hold on a moment, you just called me Richard!
Mr. Testaverde: Yes, I always call you Richard, and you always call me George.
Mr. Belding: Right, the person on the other line called me Mr. Belding.
Mr. Testaverde: Just like the person on the other line called me Mr. Testaverde.
Mr. Belding: But what kind of devious creature would make two fake phone calls? (Zack's cell phone rings and Belding picks it up) Zack can't come to the phone right now. He's on his way to pick up his season tickets to detention. If you'd like to leave a message, please wait for the beep.
Zack: Beep.

Mr. Belding: Screech, your mother called and told me about lightning hitting you. Now, I just want to make sure you're doing alright. Tell me -
Screech: 8:30 last night.
Mr. Belding: ...when exactly were you struck by lightning? 8:30?
Screech: Yeah.
Mr. Belding: Are there any -
Screech: One.
Mr. Belding: ...side effects? Did you say one?
Screech: Yeah, but it's a secret. I'm not supposed to tell anyone that I can see the future.
Mr. Belding: See the future? Screech, that's -
Screech: Preposterous?
Mr. Belding: Right.

Mr. Belding: Now, where was I?
Screech: You were about to say no one has the power to see the future.
Mr. Belding: Right, Screech, no one has the power to see the future!
Screech: Oops, I'll pick them up!
Mr. Belding: Pick what up? (knocks over pencil holder) Uh... Screech, I'm just curious. My mother-in-law is staying with us indefinitely. By any chance, can you tell me -
Screech: She'll be gone by Tuesday.
Mr. Belding: ALRIGHT!

Jessie: You know, you guys, I just remembered, there was one time that I did not get an A. I was in the fourth grade, Mr. Simmons had a nervous breakdown and gave the entire class L's and Q's.
Kelly: Why is getting an A so important to you?
Jessie: It's not important. Alright, it is, I know it shouldn't be, but I just can't help myself. It's my whole identity.
Kelly: What are you talking about?
Jessie: Will you stop hollering at me? Everyone's gotta be something, right? She's the fashionable one, you're the popular one and, who am I?
Kelly: The wacko one.

[Students got slaughtered by Mr. Testaverde's midterm. Test results are in]
Kelly: I do not believe this, C-! [Kelly grabs Zack's lapels after he overconfidently claimed he could help her] Zack Morris, I am a forgiving person, but you are going to need a lot of goodwill to overcome this!
Jessie: Lisa, what is that funny looking letter next to my name?
Lisa: It's a Q, Jessie.
Jessie: No, really, really, I can take it. Whatever I got, I deserved. For the first time in my life, I took the easy way out. I'm prepared to face the consequences.
Lisa: It's a B, Jessie. [Jessie faints]
Screech: Zack, I got an A!
Zack: Hey, Screech, how did you do that?
Screech: Well, I was seeing so many pictures, I just stayed up all night and went over everything.
Zack: Ohh, you cheated! You studied!
Slater: As for me, D+ and now we go to the bottom of the barrel, Zack Morris, F! I got the higher score Preppie, so I win. I get back my bomber jacket, and you can use your mobile phone to order me a pizza and your credit card to pay for it!
[Class departs room save for Zack, who calls pizza parlor]
Zack: Yes, I would like to order a large pizza. For toppings I would like mushrooms, anchovies, and the hottest peppers you can find!

Fatal Distraction [1.4][edit]

Kelly: So many boys, so little time.

Zack: Kelly.
Kelly: Hi Zack.
Zack: So Kel, big dance friday night, huh?
Kelly: I haven't asked anyone yet Zack.
Zack: Really, well I just want to know that I'm keeping my calendar clear, you know what I mean?
Kelly: I know what you mean, you want me to ask you?
Zack: You could do worse.
Slater: You could do better.... a lot better.


Zack: Mr. Belding... quick, you gotta help me. My life is being threatened by one of your students!
Mr. Belding: Just one? You're losing your touch. Zack, calm down. Just tell me who's threatening you.
Zack: Kelly "The Killer" Kapowski.
Mr. Belding: Kelly Kapowski?
Zack: Yes.
Mr. Belding: Excuse me for a minute.
[turns head to laugh]
Mr. Belding: [still snickering] What's she gonna do? Spike you to death with a volleyball?

Screech's Woman [1.5][edit]

Slater: (on realizing Zack is Bambi) Preppy, is that you? NIIIICEEE legs.

Screech: No, actually, you've helped me. You've made me realize that there are a million fish in the sea and I'm just a worm to attract them.

Mr. Belding: I am never going to the bathroom again.

Zack: What's she doing here?
Lisa: I went over to Jessie's and said, Jessie, I need to borrow your color wheel. Jessie said, Why? I said, Zack needs it. She said, Why? And so I told her and she said ...
Jessie: Why, I wouldn't miss this for the world.

Zack: Do you think I want to dress up as a girl?

(Jessie hands Zack a shaver) Zack: I don't need to shave ( touching his face)

Jessie: Your legs.

Aloha Slater [1.6][edit]

Slater: What's happening here, Screech? Nobody wants me around anymore.
Screech: Can you blame them, Brillo head?

Screech: Hey, Zack, Slater isn't that great. You could do that too if you had muscles.

Slater: Did they really say that (call him a "chauvinistic, musclebound meathead")?
Screech: Hey, would I have the guts to make it up?

Teacher: Hey! This is Study Hall, not Soul Train!

The Substitute [1.7][edit]

Mr. Crane: Everyone tell me your names...
Screech: I'm Screech.
Slater: I'm Slater.
Kelly: (dreamily) I'm yours.
Zack: I'm bummed!

Mr. Crane (as Romeo): With love's light wings did I o'erperch these walls. For stony limits cannot hold love out. And what love can do, that dares love attempt.
Kelly (as Juliet): If my kinsmen see thee, they will murder thee.
Slater: Go kinsmen!

Zack: Oh to be that straw sitting in my lady's cup! Gladly would I be made of plastic and risk drowning in a sea of cola to touch fair Kelly's lips.

Cream for a Day [1.8][edit]

Coburn: All right. Now, what about my 10 bucks?
Zack: [hands him a 10] Oh, yeah, here you go.
Coburn: Hey, wait a minute, Jason Bateman's not on a $10 bill.
Zack: Oh, you noticed.

Zack: Did you wash your face today?
Screech: Why would I do that during the week?

Screech: Zack! My worst nightmare has come true!
Zack: You found out that ALF is a puppet.
Screech: He is??!!

Pinned to the Mat [1.9][edit]

Kelly: I'm kinda thinking about being a housewife, or an actress. Do you think I'll be a good actress Zack?
Zack: Well fantastic! Every night you star in my dreams!

Screech: Will you go to the prom with me?
Lisa: Yeah, I'll go.
Screech: YOU WILL??
Lisa: I'll go with you when worms have ears!
Screech: You're weakening.

Needik: Where's Slater?
Screech: I killed him! I wanted first crack at you!

Slater: Screech, what are you doing?
Screech: Cruising for chicks.
Slater: In the boys' locker room?

Screech: (to Needik) Your mom's ugly, your dad's ugly and your dog's ugly!

Screech: (to Slater) Don't talk about his dog!

Beauty and the Screech [1.10][edit]

Zack: I like school. It's a good way to kill time between weekends. It gives me five days to plan my Saturday night.

Mr. Belding: Screech you can't elope!
Screech: Who are you calling cantaloupe you melon head?

Kelly: Okay, so when do we start?
Screech: Well, tonight, but it has to be at my place. I'm not allowed out after ALF.

The Friendship Business [1.11][edit]

Max: How about four friends, with a Screech on the side?

Mr. Tuttle: You gave away your inventory? The goal of this project is to run a successful business.
Zack: We'd rather be friends.
Mr. Tuttle: I see.
Lisa: So, we're ready for whatever grades you wanna give us.
Jessie: But please don't make it too low. I hyperventilate.
Mr. Tuttle: Spano, raise that chin. [as the students hum "Glory, Glory Hallelujah" before the song itself is heard in the background] If you learn that it was a mistake for a company to be cold, calculating, and cutthroat, if you learned that it's better to be happy, healthful, and humane, why, then you've learned the best business lesson of all. You all get an A!
[Zack and his friends all cheer and high five]

The Mamas and the Papas [1.12][edit]

Zack: So I can watch The Young and the Restless.
Jessie: It's more the Blonde and the Useless.

Screech: You homewrecker stay away from my mommy!
Slater: She's not your mommy!
Screech: Is that true, daddy?
Zack: I'm not your daddy!
Screech: I'm an orphan.

Jessie: Slater, haven't you heard of the Women's Movement?
Slater: Sure...Put on something cute and MOVE it into the kitchen.

Lisa: Lisa no en casa.
Screech: I love it when you speak German!

Jessie:Slater, since we're together, I think we should share the household chores.
Slater: Sure, you cook and I'll eat

Jessie:You macho pig.
Slater:Oink Oink baby

Mr. Belding: Do you boys take these girls to be your school wives?
Zack: Oh, you bet!
Slater: I guess.
Screech: WHA-HOO!
Mr. Belding: That's what Mrs. Belding said when we got married. Girls?
Kelly: I do.
Jessie: I do.
Lisa: I don't.

The Election [1.13][edit]

Mr. Dewey: You make light of algebra now, but when you're all grown up and your friends are making logarithm jokes at cocktail parties, you won't have a clue as to what everybody's laughing at.

Lisa: On behalf of the new student body president: Jessica Myrtle Spano!
Class: Myrtle???

Jessie: I'm interested in the student body.
Zack: I'm interested in a student body... (looks at Kelly) Hers.

Jessie (on Zack's propaganda video): That made a mocracy of demockery!

Lisa (on Jessie's campaign for school president): I'm going to tell you this as gently as I can - you're going down the toilet.

The Zack Tapes [1.14][edit]

Zack: Mr. Belding, I want to give you a peace offering. Here is California Girls by the Beach Boys.
Mr. Belding: I already have that album, Zack!
Zack: Uh, this one has, uh, been remixed with...Dolby sound!
Mr. Belding: Well OK, but you are still on the hook for meeting with your mother tomorrow.
Later when reciting subliminal messages
Zack{on tape}: Zack Morris is a good kid.
Zack{on tape}: Zack Morris is a great guy.
Zack{on tape}: Zack Morris is the son I've never had.

(reciting a subliminal message from a tape)

Kelly: He is the kind of boy every girl dreams of.
Kelly and Jessie: Great Looking, smart and funny. Yes, that's Zack Morris.

Zack (on tape): Zack Morris is a ten.
Kelly: Ha! Two fives is more like it!
Lisa (subliminally tricked into falling for Screech): I'm stuck with three and seven left.

Zack (on tape): Zack Morris is a blonde Tom Cruise.

King of the Hill [1.15][edit]

Mr. Belding: [while putting on buttoned sweater] I'm taking a different approach with you, Zack.
Zack: [Observes Belding's sweater] So you're gonna be "Mr. Rogers"?
Mr. Belding: You're in the neighborhood.

Zack: Alright, maybe the first day didn't turn out as I planned, but hey I'm just warming up. I love school. Too bad classes get in the way.

Mr. Dewey: O.K. settle down everyone, I'm Mr. Dewey how was everyone's summer, mine stunk let's get started.

Zack: We weren't arguing.
Slater: We were doing a math problem, how two and one won't go.
Mr. Dewey: I don't believe it and I don't care, I'm tired, I have a toothache and I have to go home and pump iron.

Zack: Hi, you're new here. I'm Zack Morris.
Slater: And I'm Roger Rabbit, so what?

Slater: (to Kelly) (putting onion ring on her finger) I think we're engaged.
Kelly: I think I'm gonna cry.
Zack: That makes two of us.

Save That Tiger [1.16][edit]

Mr. Belding: I didn't start it, you started when you planted poison ivy on our football field.
Mr. Stingwell: That was kind of rash, wasn't it?

Slater: We pumped helium in Valley's music room. Now their Glee Club sounds like the Chipmunks.
[he, Zack, and Screech inhale helium from balloons]
Zack, Slater & Screech: [higher-pitched voices] Oh when the saints come marching in!

Season Two[edit]

The Prom [2.1][edit]

Zack: Every time I call her she's washing her hair! Who washes their hair six times a day?
Slater: You do!

Mr. Belding: Now Zack, I know that you and Lisa are in charge of decorations, but this year's theme is not going to be (holds up a banner) Zack and Kelly's Prom!

Jessie: I think it's reverse macho pigism and I don't like it.

Kelly: (sadly) This is the first time I ever lied to my father.

Screech: Forget going to the prom! We're through!
Lisa: Wait a minute. You're not supposed to dump me. I'M supposed to dump YOU!

Lisa: I have a map of every mall from here to Tijuana.

Alan: Hey stop with fat jokes or I'll sit on you!
Zack: OOO This is getting heavy. (mockingly)

Zack's War [2.2][edit]

Lisa: 9 seconds? I can't even get to the bottom of my purse in 9 seconds!

[Zack and Mr. Belding face each other in an American-Gladiators-style joust]
Mr. Belding: I've been waiting for this day, Morris. This one's for you, and your sweet little girlfriend Kelly.
Lt. Chet: Ready?! Go!
Zack: Oh, hi, Mrs. Belding.
Mr. Belding: My wife's here?
[Zack knocks him off]
Lt. Chet: 1 second! A new record!

Lisa: By the way, are you married?
Lt. Chet: By the way, yes.
Lisa: By the way, adios!

Save the Max [2.3][edit]

Slater: Let's look at the old scoreboard... I mean... hey... it's not THAT old.

Nerd #1: [after hearing Slater on the air] Boy, that guy stinks.
Nerd #2: Yeah, somebody should wave a skunk in front of him.

Screech: [sees a picture of the Beatles] Hey, who are the three guys with Paul McCartney?
Zack: That's the Beatles, you idiot!
Screech: Paul never would've made it if he would've stuck with those wimps.

Zack: [on seeing a picture of Mr. Belding mooning the school board in an old school newspaper] Woah, now there's a side of him I've never seen!
Jessie: Well, looks like we have the Zack Morris of the 1960s.

Driver's Education [2.4][edit]

Mr. Tuttle: Miss Turtle, what is the first thing we do when we get behind the wheel?
Lisa: Adjust the mirrors.
Mr. Tuttle: Correct. And for what purpose?
Lisa: To check my make-up.
Mr. Tuttle: Miss Turtle, I suggest you study harder, or start practicing how to say "taxi!"

Zack: Come on Mr. Tuttle. Any yo-yo can learn how to drive.
Mr. Tuttle: Which explains why you are enrolled in this class!

Screech: Once, my dad let me back his car out of the garage. Then he got mad at me.
Mr. Tuttle: Well Screech, your father was probably just nervous.
Screech: Well, he had a right to be - I forgot to open the garage door.
Lisa: I hope your dad had "dork" insurance.

Zack is scheming to frame Slater. He meets Screech in the men's room
Zack: Hey Screech, I hear you do a great Mr. Tuttle impersonation.
Screech{impersonating Tuttle}: Indeed I do!
Zack: Nice, can you show it to Mr. Belding?
Screech{normal voice}: Certainly Zack, what stall is he in?
Zack: Not here, you dingbat! Gives Screech his cell phone Call his office and do it! Draw him out and make him come to the storeroom.
Headmaster's office. Mr. Belding picks up phone
Mr. Belding: Hello?
Screech{impersonating Mr. Tuttle}: Hello Mr. Belding, this is Mr. Tuttle. I need you to do me a favor and unlock the door to the storeroom.
Mr. Belding: Why cannot you do it yourself?
Screech: Um, um, I am shaving my body hair so I can swim faster.
Zack winces, as does Mr. Belding on other line
Mr. Belding: Sorry I asked! All right Tuttle, I will unsecure the storeroom for you. Now, is there anything else I can do for you?
Zack: Good, now stall him for five minutes.
Zack departs men's room to set scheme in motion
Screech: Would you please tell me the long story of how you became a headmaster?
Mr. Belding: Well, if you insist. The year was 1956. Elvis was king, Eisenhower was in the White House, and I was in kindergarden on a finger painting scholarship. God, I loved those paints!

Mr. Tuttle (after Zack has been caught and forced to reveal his scheme): Wow! Good plan!

Slater: I was in the seat, I'll take the heat.

House Party [2.5][edit]

Maxwell: Here's a buck babe, just for being beautiful.
Jessie: Here's a dirty look just for being alive.

Slater (assuring Jessie what will happen to her on her date with a geek): Once you go geek, you never go back!

Zack Looks like the King is dead...(strums broom)...again.

Slater: Hey, Screech. Want me to get you anything? A Coke, some fries...a hot dog?
Screech:(crying) Dog? (puts head on table)
Zack: So what if they had him since he was a puppy?
Screech: (squeaks) Puppy?
Jessie: All right, one date. But Nerdstrom better keep his paws off me.
Screech: (wails) Paws!

Mrs. Powers: Zachary?
Zack: (jumps up) Yes, Mrs. Powers? (crosses arms)
Mrs. Powers: There's something wrong with the statue.
Screech: There is?
Mrs. Powers: Yes. (turns statue to the kitchen) Elvis likes to face the kitchen so he can watch me cook!

Blind Dates [2.6][edit]

Mr. Belding: Penny will meet you at the mall at seven.
Zack: Why at the mall?
Mr. Belding: Because I don't want you to know where I live.
Zack: That's understandable, sir.

Mr. Belding: Another afternoon in detention, number nine in the series...
Zack: No, I think that's number eight.
Mr. Belding: No, number eight was when you sold the school to the Japanese.
Zack: Ahh...What was wrong with Honda High School?

Zack: Screech, I'm going to do you a favor.
Screech: Last time you did me a favor, I ended up naked on a bus.
Zack: Look, you had a window seat!

Rent-a-Pop [2.7][edit]

Zack: Have I ever told you that you are the best headmaster in Bayside, no make that California?
Mr. Belding: Zack, I am not a matador, so take the bull outside!
Jessie: What the little brownnoser is trying to say is may we hold a carnival on school grounds to raise money for this ski trip.
Mr. Belding: Good idea, do it! [Students are glad at getting Mr. Belding's approval and depart his office save for Zack, who is stopped] Zack, I want to talk to you about something else. Do the letters F F D C have any meaning to you?
Zack: Fine feathered dogs and cats?
Mr. Belding: No!
Zack: That is OK, I like this game!
Mr. Belding: F F D & C are your respective grades in biology, English, geography and math!
Zack: I do not believe it...a C? I had no clue I was doing that well in math!
Mr. Belding: Zack, you are flunking. Now I want to meet with your father on Thursday at 1100.
Zack: Hold on sir, my mother is the one who comes to meet you. After all, she has her own parking space.
Mr. Belding: She also has no clue about what kind of a student you really are.
Zack: Well, you gotta love her!
Mr. Belding: No father, no ski trip!
Zack: I want my mommy!


Jessie's Song [2.9][edit]

Zack: This week is our geometry midterm. Hey, I'm not worried, I always sit next to smart nerds.

Jessie: [sings] I'm so excited! I'm so excited! [starts to cry] I'm so... scared!

The Fabulous Belding Boys [2.15][edit]

Mr. Belding: Class, this is my brother... Rod Belding.
Screech: Wow. A building with two Beldings, one of whom is balding.

Kelly: Zack, we have all our luggage accounted for and the buses are here. Where is Rod?
Zack: Yeah, that is weird. I will go to Mr. Belding's office. I am sure he will know.
[Zack proceeds to Mr. Belding's office but stops himself when it looks as if the Belding Brothers are arguing]
Mr. Belding: No, you are not going to leave the students hanging! You talked them into whitewater rafting, and by God, you are going to captain their rafts!
Rod: Oh come on Richard, you have to agree. This girl Inga, she is a stewardess in town only for this week. You have to see her, she is a 10!
Mr. Belding: What am I supposed to say to the students? They cannot go on their long-awaited school trip because you are blowing them off to have a fling?
Rod: Life is short, man.
Mr. Belding: Get out of my office, and never set foot in Bayside High School again!
[Rod departs headmaster's office; Zack ducks by a row of lockers to avoid his line of sight; Mr. Belding proceeds to the entrance area]
Mr. Belding: May I have your attention, please? I have some bad news. My brother Rod cannot join you, because he has the flu. [class groans] Hold on, everybody. I do not wanna spoil it for you, and you require a chaperone, so here I am. [class is now cheerful]
Kelly: But Mr. Belding, you said you are scared to go rafting.
Mr. Belding: Now is good a time as any for me to overcome it. Let us get going!
[the class proceeds to board buses, as does Mr. Belding, but Zack motions to speak with him in private]
Zack: Mr. Belding, I saw what really happened in your office. How come you covered up what Rod did?
Mr. Belding: I am sorry you had to see that. I did not think it was appropriate for me to tell the class of that, besides I know how much you kids looked up to him. Heck, Rod always was the cooler of the Beldings.
Zack: Maybe so, but we got the better Belding.

From Nurse to Worse [2.16][edit]

Jennifer: Good morning. My, don't you look nice!
Zack: [deep voice] Hey, there, Jennifer.
Jennifer: How are you feeling today?
Zack: Light headed, like I am in love.
Jennifer: This is a most unusual reaction to a flu shot. Sit down and wait here.
[she closes the curtain and departs the station just as Slater arrives; Zack is mistaken by retreating footsteps]
Zack: Jennifer, is that you?
Slater: [falsetto] Uh-huh
Zack: Jennifer, I must admit I have feelings for you.
Slater: Oh?
Zack: Jennifer, are you not going to come in?
Slater: Nuh-uh.
Zack: Fine.
[he pulls back the curtain to see Slater]
Zack: ACK! What happened to Jennifer?!
Slater: Who cares? Take me! I am yours!
Zack: What did you hear?
Slater: Enough to dissolve your relationship with Kelly! You have a vulnerability, but then again, so do I. I can strike a deal to keep this between you, me and the curtain.
Zack: What do you propose?
Slater: How would you feel about taking another flu shot?
Zack: Deal.
[Nurse Butcher enters]
Butcher: Okay. Which one of you is A.C. Slater?
Zack: I am.
Butcher: Bend over, Blondie.

Season Three[edit]

Fake I.D. [3.9][edit]

[Zack meets a college girl and lies about his age]
Slater: [smiling] So what happened, Preppie? Did she turn you down?
Zack: Guess again, my high school friend. She and I just agreed to get together and meet at "The Attic".
Screech: Wow, the attic. That is cool. There could be bats up there.
Slater: YOU'RE bats, Screech. "The Attic" is an 'over 18' club, and Zack's only 16.
Zack: That may be true, Slater. But by tomorrow morning, we'll all be 18.
Screech: Oh no. Mom said I have to move out at 18. I gotta look for a place.

Pipe Dreams [3.11][edit]

Screech: [to Zack's pet duck] So long, Becky. And remember... [makes quack sounds]
Screech: [to Zack] I heard Donald say that to Huey, Dewey, and Louie.
Zack: And you're screwy.

No Hope With Dope [3.21][edit]

Screech: Wow, my first Hollywood party. I wonder if the Simpsons are gonna be there?

Cut Day [3.23][edit]

Zack: Hey, Mr. Belding. What brings you to study hall?
Mr. Belding Don't get cocky, Morris. I've got my eye on you.
Zack': Sorry, sir. You're not my type.
Ms. Simpson: To be or not to be. That is the question. Who said that?
Zack: You just did, Ma'am
Ms. Simpson: Right! Hamlet.


Zach to Mr. Belding after he gave him some 'candy' . "The crunchy part's the thorax."

Season Four[edit]

Earthquake [4.21][edit]


Becky Belding: Why don't you get me ginger ale, with a big scoop of peanut butter?
Screech: Ah, that's my favorite combination too.

Lisa: Well, Screech, maybe you're pregnant.
Screech: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Lisa. I'm not even married.


School Song [4.24][edit]

[the gang rewrites the words to Screech's corny school song before they decide to sing]
Screech: You hooligans. You demolished my song.
Lisa: No we didn't, Screech. It still says "Bayside".
Slater: Yeah, and we even left the words you put in: "it", "and", "the", "Bayside".
Screech: Oh... well in that case, it's ok then.


Alma Mater: "Bayside is the school that's cool and you know that it's true. The girls are the cutest and the guys are the hippest too. Ooh ooh ooh."

"Others schools try to touch us but you know that they don't have a clue"

Miscellaneous Episodes[edit]


Mr. Belding: Hey, hey, hey. *What* is going *on* here?

Zack: I like school... it's a good way to kill time between weekends.

Zack: You know, I've finally found out the best thing about high school, once you graduate you don't have to come back.

Slater: What, no rose for me, preppie? And I thought we were real close.
Zack: Slater, face it. It's over.

Lisa: If you don't get rid of Linda, I'm gonna throw her out the winda.

Jessie: I have had it with Eric. He took my TV, my hairdryer and my room. I am in crisis.
Kelly: You sound like you're on 'Thirtysomething.'

Lisa: Yeah, 'I have all these problems and there's no-one ever there for me. I talk and talk and talk but no-one ever listens.

Jessie: If any of you sweeties dares bid on my Slater I'll hunt you down in the street like a rabid dog.

Jessie: Your understanding of politics is limited to who won the election on 'Sesame Street'.

Lisa: Girl, if I were Leslie I woulda slapped you until my hand hurt, and then I woulda slapped you for making it hurt.

Kelly: Who are you?
Screech: Oh, I'm, uh, I'm- Sinead O'Connor.
Kelly: That's a very famous name. You have a hit song in the charts, you know...?
Screech: Oh, uh, that's the other O'Connor. She's my niece. She learned from me.
Lisa: You taught her everything she knows?
Screech: Oh, that I did. Now she can clean toilets with the best of 'em.

Jessie: Slater, since we're together, I think we should share the household chores.
Slater: Sure, you cook and I'll eat.



Mr. Belding: Zack, just because you always park your car in that same spot, does not mean it's official.
Zack: Then make it official, just like my seat in detention.

Jessie: You macho pig.
Slater: Oink oink, baby.

Slater: You are a very strange person.
Screech: [flattered] Well, thanks for noticing.

[Jessie and Slater are at war with each other]
Mr. Belding: I wanna know what's going on right now.
Jessie: [pointing to Slater] Ask brillo-head, he started it.
Mr. Belding: Well, Brillo-He - I mean, Slater...

Slater: Ok, Preppie. While you're treading cola, Kelly and I are going to the beach.
Zack: Kelly, this news disappoints me verily! I thought you and I could go over some more lines from "Romeo and Juliet".
Kelly: Oh that's a good idea, Zack. Sorry, Slater.
Slater: What? I don't believe this. You'd rather study than go to the beach?
Zack: Parting is such sweet sorrow... chump.

Slater: Hey, mama, wanna have a burger with a real man?
Jessie: Sure, I'll go find one.

Slater: What's the matter, Dad?
Slater: My C.O. went A.W.O.L. with a G.L. from the P.X. I gotta go A.S.A.P. C U, A.C.
Zack: You guys sound like an eye chart.

Mr. Belding: Go to class, learn something.

Screech: Hey, ya know what, Slater? With this microscope, your nose hairs look like the Amazon Rain Forest.
Slater: If you don't get that thing out of my face, I'm gonna have the Natives come out and eat you.



Zack: Lisa, you are looking lovelier than ever today.
Lisa: Can the sweet talk. You're giving me a zit.

Kelly: Jessie, let's go to the lost and found.
Jessie: Why?
Kelly: Because you've lost it.

Zack: Maybe we could sell Screech to Exxon.
Slater: Nah, they'd never buy a geek that doesn't squeak.

Jessie: Do you realize we haven't argued for 15 seconds?
Slater: It was 20, shut up.

Mr. Belding: Zack, I am not a matador so take the bull outside.

[Screech is walking scrunched down near the floor]
Zack: I'm sorry you were stuck in the file cabinet for so long.
Screech: That's okay, just paint me blue and call me a Smurf.

Kelly: [talking about Slater's dancing] Wow Slater, that was hot!
Zack: Ha ha. Are you kidding? I moved better last summer when a bee flew in my shorts.

Louise: Would you ever go steady with a guy named Moose?
Lisa: Why not, you could always hang your coat on his antlers.

Lisa: Some people get a little strange when it's time to see Nurse Butcher.
Jessie: Not me, I'm in perfect health. I eat properly, exercise daily, get the right amount of rest.
Slater: You sound like a commercial for Oat Bran.

Lisa: What's wrong Kelly?
Kelly: Men, especially Zack Morris.
Slater: Hey, don't judge us by our worst specimen.

Jessie: Eh, I hate coffee. Suzy, can I have another cup please?
Zack: So why are you drinking it?
Screech: What else is she gonna do with the coffee Zack?
Zack: Use your head as a donut and dunk you in it.
Screech: No way, my head would never fit in the cup.

Slater: [talking to Jessie] Guys are great at math. It's just a shame you weren't born a man.
Jessie: Yeah, it's a shame you weren't born one either.

[after Jessie storms off in a fit, a group of students are looking at her]

Kelly: She's my friend... but not my best friend. Actually, I hardly even know her.



[Kelly has just stormed away from Zack]

Screech: I'm leaving, too! I'll send for my ant farm.

Lisa: Screech, stop and smell the roses.
Screech: Oh, I smelled the roses once and a bee flew up my nose!

Screech: Oh no, Zack! Last time you had an idea, I wound up naked in a jar full of jellybeans!

External links[edit]

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