Semi-Pro is a 2008 sports comedy film directed by Kent Alterman and staring Will Ferrell, Andre Benjamin, Will Arnett, Woody Harrelson, Maura Tierney, Andrew Daly, and David Koechner.
- Everybody panic! Oh my God, there's a bear loose in the Coliseum! There will be no refunds! Your refund will be escaping this deathtrap with your life! If you have a small child, use it as a shield! They love the tender meat! Cover your sodas! Dewie loves sugar!
- Let's get Tropical!
- It feels like I got cat piss in my eyes!
- When they look back in the anals of history, people are gonna be talking about three things: the discovery of fire, invention of the submarine, and the Flint, Michigan Mega Bowl.
- GODDAMN IT, VAKIDIS, LEARN FUCKIN' ENGLISH!
- I'm so excited, I can't even...feel my arms!
- EVERYBODY LOVE EVERYBODY!
- (to Monix) I wish you were still a washing machine!
- SUCK MY COCK, I'LL MURDER YOUR FAMILY!
- Heaven wants us to win this game! I'LL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!
- EVERYBODY PANIC! IT'S JUST LIKE THE TITANIC, BUT IT'S FULL OF BEARS!
- If you see a possum, try to kill it. It's not a pet.
- SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY!
- Get the funk outta my face. Get. The. Funk. Outta My Face.
- You...motherfucking cocksuckers!
- Lou Redwood: Well, he sat on the bench, right? I mean, if you watch a porn movie, doesn't mean you got laid.
- Dick Pepperfield: No. No, in fact it often means the opposite.
- Lou Redwood: You know, I might suit up tonight, Dick. Sometimes I still dream of glory.
- Dick Pepperfield: [chuckles] Well, sometimes dreams can turn into nightmares, Lou.
- Lou Redwood: ...What's your problem?
[Jackie is lying in a dumpster]
- Ed Monix: Jackie, what are you eating?
- Jackie: I think it's a pancake...
- Monix: How long's that been there Jackie?
- Jackie: It's been here a while...
[Lou, Jackie, Cornelius, Bobby, and Dick are playing cards]
- Lou Redwood: Oh my God...what the fuck is that, it's incredible! [about the fondue he just ate]
- Jackie Moon: It's called fondue.
- Lou Redwood: Fon-what?
- Jackie Moon: Fondue. Three different cheeses, melted together. That's what you're tasting. Gorgonzola, Munster, and cottage.
- Bobby Dee: It's the latest thing from Sweden, apparently.
- Dick Pepperfield: Well, I'm not surprised; those Swedes are so inventive. [others makes noises of agreement]
- Bobby Dee: They are my favorite producers of pornography.
- Jackie Moon: They do make an excellent fuck picture!
- Dick Pepperfield: Well, I think I'll excuse myself from this conversation, right now.
- Jackie Moon: To the men's room.
- Dick Pepperfield: Oh, stop it.
- Jackie Moon: To make your wiener sing...boner machine. [others are laughing]
- Dick Pepperfield: I am not a boner machine!
- Lou Redwood: Swedish porn saved my life in 'Nam. [others groan] Hey, come on, you guys. Swedish porn was the only thing that kept my mind off Charlie while I was in the shit.
- Bobby Dee: Is the shit in Ann Arbor? Cause that's where you were during the war. [others laugh]
- Cornelius Banks: You were never in 'Nam, you jive turkey. [laughter stops]
- Lou Redwood: [coldly] Did you just call me a jive turkey? [Cornelius shakes his head]
- Jackie Moon: No. No, he did not, he uh...he called you cocksucker. Right Cornelius?
- Cornelius Banks: Yeah, I just called you cocksucker!
- Lou Redwood: Pretty sure you called me a jive turkey.
- Dick Pepperfield: No, no, now Lou, nobody called anyone a J.T.
- Lou Redwood: Jive turkey is a little over the line, my man!
- Jackie Moon: Look. We were all here, we all heard what was said, and we're in agreement, Cornelius said cocksucker. Right?
- Bobby Dee: He just said you suck cock!
- Dick Pepperfield: That's all he said about you!
- Jackie Moon: Come on. Dig into that fondue...little cocksucker. [others laugh]
- Lou Redwood: We like playing games, don't we? [laughing]
- Jackie Moon: It's true, we're playing one right now.
- Lou Redwood: I'm gonna show you guys this game I learned when I was in fuckin' 'Nam! [draws a gun and points it at Cornelius] Who's the jive turkey now? [bursts out laughing] Gun's not loaded! [all laugh]
- Jackie Moon: It's not loaded!
- Lou Redwood: You should've seen your goddamn faces! I never load it!
- Cornelius Banks: The gun was not loaded!
- Jackie Moon: I'll see you fuckers in hell. [puts gun to his head and pulls trigger; all laugh]
- Bobby Dee: Jackie, "Love Me Sexy" is the worst song I've ever heard. [aims at Jackie and pulls trigger]
- Cornelius Banks: I did call you jive turkey. [aims gun at Lou, pulls trigger]
- Dick Pepperfield: [playfully, pointing gun at Lou] I know you slept with Mrs. Pepperfield! [pulls trigger] Rrragh!
- Lou Redwood: [laughing] We're saying nutty things 'cause they're not true...especially that, more than the rest.
- Jackie Moon: Hey. Bond, James Bond. Eh? [rests gun on forearm]
- Dick Pepperfield: How do you like your martinis, sir?
- Jackie Moon: Stirred, in a half carafe. [aims gun at crotch and pulls trigger]
- Cornelius Banks: He shoots himself!
- Jackie Moon: He shoots himself in the wiener! [tosses gun down and it goes off suddenly]
- Jackie: There'll be a lotta television cameras out there so we just gotta be tip top.
- Clarence Coffee Black: So what's the plan?
- Jackie: Brought a secret weapon. It's going to make us look extra cool on TV.
- Bee Bee Ellis: What the hell is that?
- Jackie: It's eyeliner, dummy! Now who's first? Monix?
- Monix: Oh, yeah... Let me get a fresh Maxi-Pad outta my purse.
- Monix: Vakidis, open the window, will ya?
- Vakidis: Yes, right on! (does nothing)
- Monix: Vakidis, did you give Bobby Dee a handjob?
- Vakidis: Yes, right on!
- Dick Pepperfield: Lou, would you mind putting out that cigarette, it's very unprofessional.
- Lou Redwood: No, I like to smoke when I drink.
- Lou Redwood: Jackie Moon is Flint's favorite son. And he has done more for this city than any human being who's ever lived on this planet!
- Dick Pepperfield: With the possible exception of, uh, Henry Ford...Jackie Moon has done a lot for this city, you're right about that.
[Talking about Vakidis]
- Dick Pepperfield: He scares me!
- Lou Redwood: That little kid from the Jackson 5, he scares ya too.
- Dick Pepperfield: Oh, mark my words, Lou, there's something very creepy about that young man.
- Petrelli: How come it says "Monix" on your jersey when your name's "Pussy"?
- Cornelius Banks: Ohhhh, I did get shot!
- Dick Pepperfield: Jackie's teammates doing just an awful job of stabilizing his spine as they carry him off the court.
- Alan the Commissioner: No, no, Jackie, don't bite yourself!
- Dick Pepperfield: Here comes the Alley...and there goes the Oop!
- Clarence Coffee Black: Who the fuck is Bambi?
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