Shameless (U.S. TV series)

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Shameless (2001–) is an American television drama series, airing on Showtime, about the dysfunctional family of Frank Gallagher, a single father of six children. While he spends his days drunk, his kids learn to take care of themselves.

Contents

Season 1 [edit]

Pilot [1.01] [edit]

Frank: Who's been eating my porridge?

Frank The Plank [1.02] [edit]

Aunt Ginger [1.03] [edit]

Fiona: [to Carl] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The bat is for killing, not for taking to school. I don't need any more notes from your teacher.
Kev: No! Yo, Destructo, that's my toaster!
Carl: Trying to make Melted Man.
Kev: Yeah, use a blowtorch like a normal kid.
Steve: And what exactly does "hooked up" mean?
Kev: Last time I checked, penis goes into vagina.
Fiona: This is Aunt Ginger?
Frank: In the flesh.
Fiona: Ginger has a hard-on.
Frank: She was born with a large clitoris. As kids, we were told to keep our hugs brief
Fiona: Dad, you've been cashing her checks. That's a felony. We're living in her house. Was there even a will?
Frank: You don't need a will, if she's not technically dead.
Fiona: Yes, she is technically dead, Dad. Dead is dead. Just because you haven't told anybody that she is dead, doesn't make her not dead

Casey Casden [1.04] [edit]

Steve: Do you know why doctors, lawyers and nurses are great liars?
Debbie: No.
Steve: Because they lie to help people. Like, a doctor wouldn't tell a sick patient, "Too bad, you're gonna die." He would say, "We're doing everything we can." Wouldn't he?
Debbie: Yeah.
Steve: So, pretend you're being a doctor today and tell a doctor's kind of lie. Can you be a doctor for me?
Debbie: Can I be a nurse?
Steve: That's my girl.

Three Boys [1.05] [edit]

Fiona: Wasn't he drunk when he proposed?
Veronica: Oh, yeah. It was like that David Hasselhoff video, eating a cheeseburger.
Fiona: I never saw that.
Veronica: Oh, you gotta YouTube it. It's like a car wreck... you can't not watch.
Veronica: What's that smell? It's either vomit or fancy cheese.
Carl: It can be both if you want.
Doctor: Have you ever done a testicular self-examination?
Frank: Oh, God, no. I say leave those three bad boys down there alone.
Doctor: Yeah, well, that's the problem. Should only be two testicles invited to this party.
Frank: Just knowing your tits are trying to kill you... that's gotta suck. I mean, mine's in my balls. So they've got a reason to be pissed. Tucked between two legs, wedged right near your asshole. There's no good way to sit. No underwear that's been devised to hold 'em effectively in place. They're a bizarre appendage. An afterthought. Which is why I don't believe in intelligent design. There is no God. We're all gonna die.
Fiona: Is he retarded?
Veronica: I wish. Tourette's coupled with bipolar disorder and a drinking problem. He's a shrink's wet dream.

Killer Carl [1.06] [edit]

Frank Gallagher: Loving Husband, Devoted Father [1.07] [edit]

Frank: [the two goons put Frank's head in the toilet] This is no way to treat a veteran!
Goon: If you didn't run away, we'd have flushed first.
Roy: Today is put-your-head-in-the-toilet day. You know what that makes tomorrow, Frank? Put-your-head-in-the-trash-compactor day.
Cashier: $35.
Frank: $250.
Cashier: $35.
Frank: The hell? You're supposed to negotiate! The phrase "Jew me down" only works if you take the fair price I start with and you slowly Jew me down to an unacceptable number. You can't bottom-line some rip-off from the get-go. Now give me a number.
Cashier: $35. And my ancestors and I take full credit for crucifying that Christ putz.

It's time To Kill The Turtle [1.08] [edit]

Debbie: We have to kill the turtle. Daddy and Carl are up in the attic getting ready to cut a hole in the roof for a skylight. It's time to kill the turtle.
Lip: Now, Debs, you know that you guys were the turtle in my story, right?
Debbie: Oh, right.

But At Last Came A Knocki [1.09] [edit]

Simon: I got a signed first edition of Harry Potter.
Debbie: Overrated. Made a better movie than a book. And now with all those kid actors grown up, they're scarier looking than the villains.
Fiona: Hey. What do you think of Steve?
Lip: Ass is kind of small; not really my type.
Lou Deckner: Is that gonna be a problem, getting Monica to sign?
Frank: No. Why-why would it be a problem?
Lou Deckner: If memory serves, she was a summa cum laude cunt.
Sheila: Well, sometimes, sweetie, when people are in love, they don't tell someone everything for a reason.
Debbie: That's like lying.
Sheila: No, sweetie, it's just... it's a little editing.
Ian: What did I miss with Mom?
Lip: You know how Dad's a total fucking asshole?
Ian: Yeah.
Lip: Turns out he's the good one.

Nana Gallagher Had an Affair [1.10] [edit]

Daddyz Girl [1.11] [edit]

[Debbie finds Fiona and Steve in Fiona's bed where Fiona sings the national anthem with her ankle behind her head]
Debbie: Am I going to have to learn how to do that when I start having sex?
Fiona: This has nothing to do with sex.
Debbie: Then it's even weirder.
Gary: Six months ago, guy fell off a scaffold at McNally Construction. He broke three bones. I could send you over there.
Frank: Sounds good, if it weren't for my fear of heights. What else you got?
Gary: How do you feel about metal splinters to the eye?
Frank: Not so great.
Gary: Okay, look. Are you up-to-date on your rabies shots?
Frank: No.
Gary: Okay, what about seared flesh? Yeah, Bobby's Bagel Joint is hiring. I got a gal, she stuck her hand in the boiling vat. She'll be collecting for at least 24 months.
Frank: Suppose if I had to. Anything else?
Gary: Okay. Here we go. These are the jobs nobody wants. The conditions are hazardous, unsafe... or both. You're guaranteed to get hurt.
Ian: [about their uncle] Look, he's going to be a douchebag, no matter who he is.
Lip: He can't be any worse than Frank.
Ian: He's a Gallagher.
Lip: Maybe he'll take you to a game or... you know, kick in some scratch for college, or give you a kidney. Hell, a birthday card once a year... that's a win, right?
Ian: Do we know any cool dads?
Lip: Scottie Hausten's father. But he's on the sex offenders list for jacking off in Sherman Park.
Debbie: I don't like that you're getting hurt on purpose to make money. Isn't that cheating?
Frank: I prefer to think of it as helping.
Debbie: You do?
Frank: Yeah. When I collect workman's comp, some lady has to fill out the paperwork. That's her job. If it wasn't for me, she'd be unemployed.

Father Frank, Full Of Grace [1.12] [edit]

Season 2 [edit]

Sumertime [2.01] [edit]

Lip: [Showing a couple of brochures] What the hell is this?
Ian: It's a mission packet.
Lip: To West Point?
Ian: You're going through my stuff now?
Lip: Ian, you just graduated the tenth grade!
Ian: I wanted to see what it would take to get in.
Lip: What, to West Point? You're kidding me? You're actually serious about this shit?
Ian: Well, I was in ROTC for two years, so what do you think Lip?
Lip: I don't know, I thought it was some kind of stupid fucked up adolescent phase, I mean you really want to get your ass shot off in some-some Stan somewhere?
Ian: Stan?
Lip: Yeah, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraqistan...
Ian: I guess I'm a patriot!
Lip: Fuck.

Summer Loving [2.02] [edit]

I'll Light a Candle For You Every Day [2.03] [edit]

Debbie: You okay, daddy?
Frank: Just looked death in the face, Debs. It wasn't pretty.
Debbie: I know what you mean. You just have to think of something nice.

A Beautiful Mess [2.04] [edit]

Father's Day [2.05] [edit]

Can I Have a Mother [2.06] [edit]

Frank: Eat me. I say eat me. I'm done taking your shit, you got it? I am a grown man, this is my family not yours. You're a piss poor excuse for a mother. I was hoping you would die in prison. You make my life a living hell and I want you out of here now.
Peg: Good for you, it's great to get that stuff out. Feel better?

A Bottle of Jean Nate [2.07] [edit]

Parenthood [2.08] [edit]

Hurricane Monica [2.09] [edit]

A Great Cause [2.10] [edit]

Just Like The Pilgrims Intended [2.11] [edit]

Fiona Interrupted [2.12] [edit]

Cast [edit]

External links [edit]

Wikipedia
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