Shameless (U.S. TV series)

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Shameless (2011–) is an American television drama series, airing on Showtime, about the dysfunctional family of Frank Gallagher, a single father of six children. While he spends his days drunk, his kids learn to take care of themselves.

Season 1[edit]

Pilot [1.01][edit]

Lip: What do you think of Ian?
Karen: He's nice.
Lip: Did you pitch a tent?
Karen: What?
Lip: Did you make him hard?
Karen: Ever try to play pool with a rope?

Frank: Who's been eating my porridge?

Fiona: You just look more like mum than any of the rest of us.
Ian: Oh, yeah? He ain't seen nothing yet.

Frank The Plank [1.02][edit]

Aunt Ginger [1.03][edit]

Fiona: [to Carl] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The bat is for killing, not for taking to school. I don't need any more notes from your teacher.

Kev: No! Yo, Destructo, that's my toaster!
Carl: Trying to make Melted Man.
Kev: Yeah, use a blowtorch like a normal kid.

Steve: And what exactly does "hooked up" mean?
Kev: Last time I checked, penis goes into vagina.

Fiona: This is Aunt Ginger?
Frank: In the flesh.
Fiona: Ginger has a hard-on.
Frank: She was born with a large clitoris. As kids, we were told to keep our hugs brief

Fiona: Dad, you've been cashing her checks. That's a felony. We're living in her house. Was there even a will?
Frank: You don't need a will, if she's not technically dead.
Fiona: Yes, she is technically dead, Dad. Dead is dead. Just because you haven't told anybody that she is dead, doesn't make her not dead.

Casey Casden [1.04][edit]

Steve: Do you know why doctors, lawyers and nurses are great liars?
Debbie: No.
Steve: Because they lie to help people. Like, a doctor wouldn't tell a sick patient, "Too bad, you're gonna die." He would say, "We're doing everything we can." Wouldn't he?
Debbie: Yeah.
Steve: So, pretend you're being a doctor today and tell a doctor's kind of lie. Can you be a doctor for me?
Debbie: Can I be a nurse?
Steve: That's my girl.

Debbie: I'm gonna blush and then they'll know. I can't be a nurse. I'm not patient, I hate bedpans. I can't walk in clogs, and let's face it, I'm too short.

Three Boys [1.05][edit]

Fiona: Wasn't he drunk when he proposed?
Veronica: Oh, yeah. It was like that David Hasselhoff video, eating a cheeseburger.
Fiona: I never saw that.
Veronica: Oh, you gotta YouTube it. It's like a car wreck... you can't not watch.

Veronica: What's that smell? It's either vomit or fancy cheese.
Carl: It can be both if you want.

Doctor: Have you ever done a testicular self-examination?
Frank: Oh, God, no. I say leave those three bad boys down there alone.
Doctor: Yeah, well, that's the problem. Should only be two testicles invited to this party.

Frank: Just knowing your tits are trying to kill you... that's gotta suck. I mean, mine's in my balls. So they've got a reason to be pissed. Tucked between two legs, wedged right near your asshole. There's no good way to sit. No underwear that's been devised to hold 'em effectively in place. They're a bizarre appendage. An afterthought. Which is why I don't believe in intelligent design. There is no God. We're all gonna die.

Fiona: Is he retarded?
Veronica: I wish. Tourette's coupled with bipolar disorder and a drinking problem. He's a shrink's wet dream.

Killer Carl [1.06][edit]

Frank Gallagher: Loving Husband, Devoted Father [1.07][edit]

Frank: [the two goons put Frank's head in the toilet] This is no way to treat a veteran!
Goon: If you didn't run away, we'd have flushed first.

Roy: Today is put-your-head-in-the-toilet day. You know what that makes tomorrow, Frank? Put-your-head-in-the-trash-compactor day.

Cashier: $35.
Frank: $250.
Cashier: $35.
Frank: The hell? You're supposed to negotiate! The phrase "Jew me down" only works if you take the fair price I start with and you slowly Jew me down to an unacceptable number. You can't bottom-line some rip-off from the get-go. Now give me a number.
Cashier: $35. And my ancestors and I take full credit for crucifying that Christ putz.

Kermit: Is Frank here?
Fiona: Only when there's a check coming. Who are you?
Kermit: I'm his friend Kermit.
Fiona: Frank doesn't have any friends. Only people he hasn't pissed off yet.

Linda: [shows her husband the security tape] Does anything look different to you?
Kash: No.
Linda: You don't see the camera? It's like it moved just a little bit. There.
Kash: Register matches inventory.
Linda: Yeah, you're right. I should probably shut it off. But then I'd miss the part where you take it up the ass from a teenage boy. Here it is. Billy cornholing the father of my children. Must be big, judging from the grimace on your face.

It's Time To Kill The Turtle [1.08][edit]

Debbie: We have to kill the turtle. Daddy and Carl are up in the attic getting ready to cut a hole in the roof for a skylight. It's time to kill the turtle.
Lip: Now, Debs, you know that you guys were the turtle in my story, right?
Debbie: Oh, right.

But At Last Came A Knocki [1.09][edit]

Simon: I got a signed first edition of Harry Potter.
Debbie: Overrated. Made a better movie than a book. And now with all those kid actors grown up, they're scarier looking than the villains.

Fiona: Hey. What do you think of Steve?
Lip: Ass is kind of small; not really my type.

Lou Deckner: Is that gonna be a problem, getting Monica to sign?
Frank: No. Why-why would it be a problem?
Lou Deckner: If memory serves, she was a summa cum laude cunt.

Sheila: Well, sometimes, sweetie, when people are in love, they don't tell someone everything for a reason.
Debbie: That's like lying.
Sheila: No, sweetie, it's just... it's a little editing.

Ian: What did I miss with Mom?
Lip: You know how Dad's a total fucking asshole?
Ian: Yeah.
Lip: Turns out he's the good one.

Nana Gallagher Had an Affair [1.10][edit]

Frank: If you're looking for money, I don't have any yet. Your mom still hasn't signed my settlement papers. I don't know where she's been all day.
Fiona: She's been getting Liam's DNA results.
Lip: Congratulations, you're still the father.
Frank: Are you serious? Ooh. I thought that was always a rumor about Nana Gallagher having an affair with that sax player.

Daddyz Girl [1.11][edit]

[Debbie finds Fiona and Steve in Fiona's bed where Fiona sings the national anthem with her ankle behind her head]
Debbie: Am I going to have to learn how to do that when I start having sex?
Fiona: This has nothing to do with sex.
Debbie: Then it's even weirder.

Gary: Six months ago, guy fell off a scaffold at McNally Construction. He broke three bones. I could send you over there.
Frank: Sounds good, if it weren't for my fear of heights. What else you got?
Gary: How do you feel about metal splinters to the eye?
Frank: Not so great.
Gary: Okay, look. Are you up-to-date on your rabies shots?
Frank: No.
Gary: Okay, what about seared flesh? Yeah, Bobby's Bagel Joint is hiring. I got a gal, she stuck her hand in the boiling vat. She'll be collecting for at least 24 months.
Frank: Suppose if I had to. Anything else?
Gary: Okay. Here we go. These are the jobs nobody wants. The conditions are hazardous, unsafe... or both. You're guaranteed to get hurt.

Ian: [about their uncle] Look, he's going to be a douchebag, no matter who he is.
Lip: He can't be any worse than Frank.
Ian: He's a Gallagher.
Lip: Maybe he'll take you to a game or... you know, kick in some scratch for college, or give you a kidney. Hell, a birthday card once a year... that's a win, right?

Ian: Do we know any cool dads?
Lip: Scottie Hausten's father. But he's on the sex offenders list for jacking off in Sherman Park.

Debbie: I don't like that you're getting hurt on purpose to make money. Isn't that cheating?
Frank: I prefer to think of it as helping.
Debbie: You do?
Frank: Yeah. When I collect workman's comp, some lady has to fill out the paperwork. That's her job. If it wasn't for me, she'd be unemployed.

Father Frank, Full Of Grace [1.12][edit]

Season 2[edit]

Sumertime [2.01][edit]

Lip: [Showing a couple of brochures] What the hell is this?
Ian: It's a mission packet.
Lip: To West Point?
Ian: You're going through my stuff now?
Lip: Ian, you just graduated the tenth grade!
Ian: I wanted to see what it would take to get in.
Lip: What, to West Point? You're kidding me? You're actually serious about this shit?
Ian: Well, I was in ROTC for two years, so what do you think Lip?
Lip: I don't know, I thought it was some kind of stupid fucked up adolescent phase, I mean you really want to get your ass shot off in some-some Stan somewhere?
Ian: Stan?
Lip: Yeah, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraqistan...
Ian: I guess I'm a patriot!
Lip: Fuck.

Summer Loving [2.02][edit]

Dottie: Eat shit, Frank.
Frank: Well I-I would, but I recently went vegan.

Karen: [to Lip] Stop talking about my boyfriend and fuck me.

I'll Light a Candle For You Every Day [2.03][edit]

Dottie: You don't love me.
Frank: You're kinda growing on me.

Debbie: You okay, Daddy?
Frank: Just looked death in the face, Debs. It wasn't pretty.
Debbie: I know what you mean. You just have to think of something nice.

A Beautiful Mess [2.04][edit]

Frank: Scratched cornea. Brass bits and gas ripped into my eye.
Kev: You're lucky that's all that happened to you. Cartoons-- whole head explodes.

Carl: I already had my first woody in history class, talking about how Marie Antoinette's head got chopped off.

Lip: What, are you freebasing lycopene now, you worthless piece of shit?
Frank: Why you got to be such an asshole?
Lip: Apple fell where you dropped it.

Little Hank: Wanna see how fast I can unhook your bra?
Holly: I don't wear a bra, runt.

Father's Day [2.05][edit]

Jody: Karen, your dad is dead.
Karen: Nice try, but that doesn't turn me on anymore.

Frank: [to Lip] The best gift you can give is neglect. Neglect fosters self-reliance.

Frank: That's the Gallagher sperm: ambitious, relentless, everything we're not once we're born.

Fiona: [to Debbie] Put the top back, no more playing dress up. Hymen stays intact.

Can I Have a Mother [2.06][edit]

Frank: Eat me. I say eat me. I'm done taking your shit, you got it? I am a grown man, this is my family not yours. You're a piss poor excuse for a mother. I was hoping you would die in prison. You make my life a living hell and I want you out of here now.
Peg: Good for you, it's great to get that stuff out. Feel better?

Fiona: [to Frank, regarding Peg] It's tough, huh? My parents suck too.

Debbie: Are you looking for the Sunshine Adult Daycare? It's up at the church.
Peg: Honey, only time I wanna go to the church is if I feel like getting molested.

Fiona: [to Steve] You married a drug lord's daughter to hang on to your ear?

A Bottle of Jean Nate [2.07][edit]

Parenthood [2.08][edit]

Frank: [after catching Ian and Mickey together] Front door was locked so I came in the back. No pun intended.

Fiona: [to Steve] Figure out that chick sitting on my sofa wearing your wedding ring and then we'll talk.

Carl: I don't get it. Half of the world has penises, why do people get so upset about seeing them?

Jody: I made a list of the top 50 stupidest things and all 50 were when I was drunk.

Ian: We've got nothing to be ashamed of.
Mickey:What fucking world you live in?
Ian: You don't... I don't want you to...
Mickey: What do you think? We're boyfriend and girlfriend here? You're nothing but a warm mouth to me.

Hurricane Monica [2.09][edit]

Sheila: Sometimes when I see the word "hospice" on the screen, I pronounce it "ho-spice" in my head.

Ian: [to Frank] You haven't even claimed your mom's body from the morgue and you wanna tell me how to treat mine?

Ian: Hey! Some of us want to graduate and do something with our lives. So how about you all shut the fuck up and let me sleep?

Steve: Now I'm off to lead tiny testosterone animals to victory. Gonna warm em up and give em my best Friday Night Lights speech about hearts, eyes, or some shit.

A Great Cause [2.10][edit]

Kev: Circle doesn't start with an "S"? What the fuck?

Kev: Too many Gallaghers in the world already. Lip, now you? Instead of passing out rubbers at schools they should be passing them out at your house.

Veronica: You know, there are a lot of kids who need a home.
Kev: Fucked up foster kids like me?
Veronica: Exactly. We could build up our own army. Like Wesley Snipes. Take over the neighborhood.

Mandy: [to Ian] Wipe off that fucking look on your face. A Gallagher looking down at me, I don't think so.

Just Like The Pilgrims Intended [2.11][edit]

Karen: Fuck Mother Nature! She doesn't have to worry about her vagina getting stretched. Ow!
Jody: You were already pretty stretched out down there, Karen.

Debbie: I think I'm depressed. I've been feeling kind of funky lately.
Carl: Means you're gonna get your period soon.
Debbie: It does?
Carl: Don't wear white for a while.

Steve: Your sister's driving me crazy. I don't know what it's gonna take for her to trust me. Again.
Lip: Can you blame her? You know, you have a whole other family. First, your name was Steve, then Jimmy. You know, you disappear to Brazil. Come back married. You know, it's kind of a tough way to build up trust.
Steve: I really am trustworthy, though.
Lip: Yeah, well, you're gonna have to do something bold to prove it.

Lip: Holy shit... they're still fucking?
Steve: Sometimes it's fighting. Can't really tell the difference.

Carl: [about Karen's baby] That thing looks weird.
Sheila: I think he looks beautiful.
Debbie: What's wrong with him?
Fiona: He has Down syndrome, Debs.
Lip: Yeah, and he's Asian.
Kev: Maybe we're just looking at him upside down.

Fiona Interrupted [2.12][edit]

Fiona: [about Steve] Christ, V. I can't let him back into this madness.
Veronica: Isn't that his choice?
Fiona: Well, he thinks he wants it now. Just wait a year or two, when I have one in the oven and Frank throws up on our bed in the middle of the night or Monica tries to hang herself in the closet with an old shoelace.

Steve: You're going to be disappointed.
Fiona: Wouldn't be the first time somebody's disappointed me.

Season 3[edit]

El Gran Canon [3.01][edit]

Fiona: Frank is like scabies; you can't get rid of them no matter how hard you try.

The American Dream [3.02][edit]

Lip: When you're poor, only way to make money is to steal it or scam it, like Don King or Joe Kennedy.

May I Trim Your Hedges? [3.03][edit]

Veronica: [about Cheryl] You let her sleep in our bed? You said yourself she's a crazy bitch.
Kev: She is a crazy bitch. And not a crazy bitch like you're a crazy bitch like, "oh bitch, you so crazy." No! She once tried to beat me to death with a frozen fish because I had asked if there was any more broccoli.

Cheryl: [on Veronica] She's some kind of nympho; has three drawers filled with dildos!
Veronica: What you doing going through my shit, bitch?
Debbie: What's a dildo?

Beto: [on Estefania] You married her before God, no?
Jimmy: No, I married her before her father who had a gun pointed at my nuts. It's different somehow.

Ian: Hey, did you really fuck Angie Zahgo today?
Mickey: Yeah, I fucked Angie.
Mickey: Everybody fucks Angie.
Mickey: You don't fuck Angie?
Ian: No.
Mickey: Huh.
Mickey: You want to fuck Angie? I can call her, get her down here.
Ian: No.

The Helpful Gallaghers [3.04][edit]

Fiona: If I had to apologize for all the stuff my dad has done, I wouldn't have a voice left.

Frank: If God didn't want things up our ass, he would have given the rectum a gag reflex.

The Sins of My Caretaker [3.05][edit]

Veronica: [reading a birthday cake] Haddy Birtbay Juby?
Fiona: Bakery guy is dyslexic.

Jimmy: It's not the homo thing that gets me, 'cause gays hit on me all the time and it doesn't bother me.
Veronica: Of course they do. You wear designer jeans and coconut hair product. You're like gay flypaper.

Debbie: [to Molly] I will totally teach you to swim. We can protect one another from city kids who hate white people!

Mickey: I don't know what you see in that geriatric viagroid.
Ian: He buys me stuff. Orders me room service... He isn't afraid to kiss me.

Ian: Hey, you know that guy you beat the shit out off at that club? Want me to sneak into his mansion and take all of his crap.
Mickey: Really. Hilarious.
Ian: Can't get them himself. Divorce. Says I can take whatever I want. He's loaded. You want in? [Mickey holds up a pistol] Jesus! Use blanks, maybe!
Mickey: Can I bring my cousins?
Ian: Yeah.
Mickey: Alright. I'm in.

Cascading Failures [3.06][edit]

Fiona: [to Jimmy] I don't mean to be an asshole. It's just... genetic.

Veronica: [fostering the kids] Five Gallaghers... I'm gonna to be the lone black dot on the map of Ireland.

Mickey: My dad took my brothers on a run out of town for a couple of days so if you want to ditch that dump and crash at my place you can.
Ian: Was I just invited to a sleep over?
Mickey: Fuck you is what you were invited to.

Mickey: You fuck anyone in there yet?
Ian: God no!
Mickey: Wise choice. Even if you're propositioned it's probably just a set up. Guys wanna find out if you're gay and pound the shit out of you. And not in a good way.
Ian: Great.

Ian: I mean, there is just no privacy. If I want to jack off I've got to do it in the bathroom.
Mickey: I can't even begin to imagine what kind of pussy you'd be in juvie.

A Long Way From Home [3.07][edit]

Jimmy: [to Fiona, after answering the phone] It's Veronica. Says she's got a dead body for you?

Judge: Ms. Gallagher, you want to tell me why your father should be declared unfit?
Fiona: We were living out of a car once. Uncle Nick had kicked us out. We couldn't find anyone else who'd take us in. Lip and Ian and me were sleeping in the backseat when Frank pulled over. Middle of the night. Think it was Halstead. Told me to take the boys and sit on the curb and he'd be right back. I was six. Few hours later, we're still sitting on the sidewalk and Ian's head is burning up. He's hysterical. I don't know what to do. So I ran down the street, Lip under one arm, Ian under the other, trying to flag down help. It would have been easier scoring crack than a ride to the clinic. I finally made it on foot. They said Ian had a fever of 104. Another couple hours later, who knows. I didn't find Frank until a couple days later. First thing he asked me, was how much money I had on me. Wish I could say that was the only time, but it was just the first. My mother is bipolar and my father is an alcoholic and an addict. He takes what he pleases and he offers nothing. No money, no support. I've done what I could to help raise my siblings. I wish I could've done more. I'm not asking for your pity or your admiration. I just want to be able to give these kids everything that they deserve because they're great kids. And they deserve better.

Where There's a Will [3.08][edit]

Karen: I got your message.
Lip: The one where I told you to go fuck yourself?
Karen: It was nice to hear your voice.

Veronica: And who's that puking on his Timberlands?
Carl: Cousin Patrick. He's got nausea, shortness of breath, blood in urine, severe illness and death.
Veronica: What the hell are you reading?
Carl: [holds up a box] Rat poison.

Fiona: You know what I want? Not to win the lottery or go on vacation to the Caribbean. I want normal people problems. Like, am I getting enough fiber? Why did my friend say that insensitive thing about my weight?

Frank the Plumber [3.09][edit]

Sheila: My daughter's a mean girl. I don't know how it happened.
Debbie: It's not your fault.
Sheila: But I'm her mother.
Debbie: Hey, if how we turn out is all about how our mother is, then I'm pretty screwed, right?

Civil Wrongs [3.10][edit]

Debbie: I have red hair, freckles, and crooked teeth. Don't need any more character!

Order Room Service [3.11][edit]

Ian: [After Frank takes the fall for Carl] What happened?
Lip: Hell froze over.

Survival Of the Fittest [3.12][edit]

Kev: Hey, what can I say? Once you go white, you always stay tight. Hey, I think I just insulted myself.


External links[edit]

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