Shameless (U.S. TV series)

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Shameless (2011–) is an American television drama series, airing on Showtime, about the dysfunctional family of Frank Gallagher, a single father of six children. While he spends his days drunk, his kids learn to take care of themselves.


Season 1[edit]

Pilot [1.01][edit]

Lip: What do you think of Ian?
Karen: He's nice.
Lip: Did you pitch a tent?
Karen: What?
Lip: Did you make him hard?
Karen: Ever try to play pool with a rope?

Frank: Who's been eating my porridge?

Fiona: You just look more like mum than any of the rest of us.
Ian: Oh, yeah? He ain't seen nothing yet.

Frank The Plank [1.02][edit]

Aunt Ginger [1.03][edit]

Fiona: [to Carl] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The bat is for killing, not for taking to school. I don't need any more notes from your teacher.

Kev: No! Yo, Destructo, that's my toaster!
Carl: Trying to make Melted Man.
Kev: Yeah, use a blowtorch like a normal kid.

Steve: And what exactly does "hooked up" mean?
Kev: Last time I checked, penis goes into vagina.

Fiona: This is Aunt Ginger?
Frank: In the flesh.
Fiona: Ginger has a hard-on.
Frank: She was born with a large clitoris. As kids, we were told to keep our hugs brief

Fiona: Dad, you've been cashing her checks. That's a felony. We're living in her house. Was there even a will?
Frank: You don't need a will, if she's not technically dead.
Fiona: Yes, she is technically dead, Dad. Dead is dead. Just because you haven't told anybody that she is dead, doesn't make her not dead.

Casey Casden [1.04][edit]

Steve: Do you know why doctors, lawyers and nurses are great liars?
Debbie: No.
Steve: Because they lie to help people. Like, a doctor wouldn't tell a sick patient, "Too bad, you're gonna die." He would say, "We're doing everything we can." Wouldn't he?
Debbie: Yeah.
Steve: So, pretend you're being a doctor today and tell a doctor's kind of lie. Can you be a doctor for me?
Debbie: Can I be a nurse?
Steve: That's my girl.

Debbie: I'm gonna blush and then they'll know. I can't be a nurse. I'm not patient, I hate bedpans. I can't walk in clogs, and let's face it, I'm too short.

Three Boys [1.05][edit]

Fiona: Wasn't he drunk when he proposed?
Veronica: Oh, yeah. It was like that David Hasselhoff video, eating a cheeseburger.
Fiona: I never saw that.
Veronica: Oh, you gotta YouTube it. It's like a car wreck... you can't not watch.

Veronica: What's that smell? It's either vomit or fancy cheese.
Carl: It can be both if you want.

Doctor: Have you ever done a testicular self-examination?
Frank: Oh, God, no. I say leave those three bad boys down there alone.
Doctor: Yeah, well, that's the problem. Should only be two testicles invited to this party.

Frank: Just knowing your tits are trying to kill you... that's gotta suck. I mean, mine's in my balls. So they've got a reason to be pissed. Tucked between two legs, wedged right near your asshole. There's no good way to sit. No underwear that's been devised to hold 'em effectively in place. They're a bizarre appendage. An afterthought. Which is why I don't believe in intelligent design. There is no God. We're all gonna die.

Fiona: Is he retarded?
Veronica: I wish. Tourette's coupled with bipolar disorder and a drinking problem. He's a shrink's wet dream.

Killer Carl [1.06][edit]

Frank Gallagher: Loving Husband, Devoted Father [1.07][edit]

Frank: [the two goons put Frank's head in the toilet] This is no way to treat a veteran!
Goon: If you didn't run away, we'd have flushed first.

Roy: Today is put-your-head-in-the-toilet day. You know what that makes tomorrow, Frank? Put-your-head-in-the-trash-compactor day.

Cashier: $35.
Frank: $250.
Cashier: $35.
Frank: The hell? You're supposed to negotiate! The phrase "Jew me down" only works if you take the fair price I start with and you slowly Jew me down to an unacceptable number. You can't bottom-line some rip-off from the get-go. Now give me a number.
Cashier: $35. And my ancestors and I take full credit for crucifying that Christ putz.

Kermit: Is Frank here?
Fiona: Only when there's a check coming. Who are you?
Kermit: I'm his friend Kermit.
Fiona: Frank doesn't have any friends. Only people he hasn't pissed off yet.

Linda: [shows her husband the security tape] Does anything look different to you?
Kash: No.
Linda: You don't see the camera? It's like it moved just a little bit. There.
Kash: Register matches inventory.
Linda: Yeah, you're right. I should probably shut it off. But then I'd miss the part where you take it up the ass from a teenage boy. Here it is. Billy cornholing the father of my children. Must be big, judging from the grimace on your face.

It's Time To Kill The Turtle [1.08][edit]

Debbie: We have to kill the turtle. Daddy and Carl are up in the attic getting ready to cut a hole in the roof for a skylight. It's time to kill the turtle.
Lip: Now, Debs, you know that you guys were the turtle in my story, right?
Debbie: Oh, right.

But At Last Came A Knocki [1.09][edit]

Simon: I got a signed first edition of Harry Potter.
Debbie: Overrated. Made a better movie than a book. And now with all those kid actors grown up, they're scarier looking than the villains.

Fiona: Hey. What do you think of Steve?
Lip: Ass is kind of small; not really my type.

Lou Deckner: Is that gonna be a problem, getting Monica to sign?
Frank: No. Why-why would it be a problem?
Lou Deckner: If memory serves, she was a summa cum laude cunt.

Sheila: Well, sometimes, sweetie, when people are in love, they don't tell someone everything for a reason.
Debbie: That's like lying.
Sheila: No, sweetie, it's just... it's a little editing.

Ian: What did I miss with Mom?
Lip: You know how Dad's a total fucking asshole?
Ian: Yeah.
Lip: Turns out he's the good one.

Nana Gallagher Had an Affair [1.10][edit]

Frank: If you're looking for money, I don't have any yet. Your mom still hasn't signed my settlement papers. I don't know where she's been all day.
Fiona: She's been getting Liam's DNA results.
Lip: Congratulations, you're still the father.
Frank: Are you serious? Ooh. I thought that was always a rumor about Nana Gallagher having an affair with that sax player.

Daddyz Girl [1.11][edit]

[Debbie finds Fiona and Steve in Fiona's bed where Fiona sings the national anthem with her ankle behind her head]
Debbie: Am I going to have to learn how to do that when I start having sex?
Fiona: This has nothing to do with sex.
Debbie: Then it's even weirder.

Gary: Six months ago, guy fell off a scaffold at McNally Construction. He broke three bones. I could send you over there.
Frank: Sounds good, if it weren't for my fear of heights. What else you got?
Gary: How do you feel about metal splinters to the eye?
Frank: Not so great.
Gary: Okay, look. Are you up-to-date on your rabies shots?
Frank: No.
Gary: Okay, what about seared flesh? Yeah, Bobby's Bagel Joint is hiring. I got a gal, she stuck her hand in the boiling vat. She'll be collecting for at least 24 months.
Frank: Suppose if I had to. Anything else?
Gary: Okay. Here we go. These are the jobs nobody wants. The conditions are hazardous, unsafe... or both. You're guaranteed to get hurt.

Ian: [about their uncle] Look, he's going to be a douchebag, no matter who he is.
Lip: He can't be any worse than Frank.
Ian: He's a Gallagher.
Lip: Maybe he'll take you to a game or... you know, kick in some scratch for college, or give you a kidney. Hell, a birthday card once a year... that's a win, right?

Ian: Do we know any cool dads?
Lip: Scottie Hausten's father. But he's on the sex offenders list for jacking off in Sherman Park.

Debbie: I don't like that you're getting hurt on purpose to make money. Isn't that cheating?
Frank: I prefer to think of it as helping.
Debbie: You do?
Frank: Yeah. When I collect workman's comp, some lady has to fill out the paperwork. That's her job. If it wasn't for me, she'd be unemployed.

Father Frank, Full Of Grace [1.12][edit]

Season 2[edit]

Sumertime [2.01][edit]

Lip: [Showing a couple of brochures] What the hell is this?
Ian: It's a mission packet.
Lip: To West Point?
Ian: You're going through my stuff now?
Lip: Ian, you just graduated the tenth grade!
Ian: I wanted to see what it would take to get in.
Lip: What, to West Point? You're kidding me? You're actually serious about this shit?
Ian: Well, I was in ROTC for two years, so what do you think Lip?
Lip: I don't know, I thought it was some kind of stupid fucked up adolescent phase, I mean you really want to get your ass shot off in some-some Stan somewhere?
Ian: Stan?
Lip: Yeah, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraqistan...
Ian: I guess I'm a patriot!
Lip: Fuck.

Summer Loving [2.02][edit]

Dottie: Eat shit, Frank.
Frank: Well I-I would, but I recently went vegan.

Karen: [to Lip] Stop talking about my boyfriend and fuck me.

I'll Light a Candle For You Every Day [2.03][edit]

Dottie: You don't love me.
Frank: You're kinda growing on me.

Debbie: You okay, Daddy?
Frank: Just looked death in the face, Debs. It wasn't pretty.
Debbie: I know what you mean. You just have to think of something nice.

A Beautiful Mess [2.04][edit]

Frank: Scratched cornea. Brass bits and gas ripped into my eye.
Kev: You're lucky that's all that happened to you. Cartoons-- whole head explodes.

Carl: I already had my first woody in history class, talking about how Marie Antoinette's head got chopped off.

Lip: What, are you freebasing lycopene now, you worthless piece of shit?
Frank: Why you got to be such an asshole?
Lip: Apple fell where you dropped it.

Little Hank: Wanna see how fast I can unhook your bra?
Holly: I don't wear a bra, runt.

Father's Day [2.05][edit]

Jody: Karen, your dad is dead.
Karen: Nice try, but that doesn't turn me on anymore.

Frank: [to Lip] The best gift you can give is neglect. Neglect fosters self-reliance.

Frank: That's the Gallagher sperm: ambitious, relentless, everything we're not once we're born.

Fiona: [to Debbie] Put the top back, no more playing dress up. Hymen stays intact.

Can I Have a Mother [2.06][edit]

Frank: Eat me. I say eat me. I'm done taking your shit, you got it? I am a grown man, this is my family not yours. You're a piss poor excuse for a mother. I was hoping you would die in prison. You make my life a living hell and I want you out of here now.
Peg: Good for you, it's great to get that stuff out. Feel better?

Fiona: [to Frank, regarding Peg] It's tough, huh? My parents suck too.

Debbie: Are you looking for the Sunshine Adult Daycare? It's up at the church.
Peg: Honey, only time I wanna go to the church is if I feel like getting molested.

Fiona: [to Steve] You married a drug lord's daughter to hang on to your ear?

A Bottle of Jean Nate [2.07][edit]

Parenthood [2.08][edit]

Frank: [after catching Ian and Mickey together] Front door was locked so I came in the back. No pun intended.

Fiona: [to Steve] Figure out that chick sitting on my sofa wearing your wedding ring and then we'll talk.

Carl: I don't get it. Half of the world has penises, why do people get so upset about seeing them?

Jody: I made a list of the top 50 stupidest things and all 50 were when I was drunk.

Ian: We've got nothing to be ashamed of.
Mickey:What fucking world you live in?
Ian: You don't... I don't want you to...
Mickey: What do you think? We're boyfriend and girlfriend here? You're nothing but a warm mouth to me.

Hurricane Monica [2.09][edit]

Sheila: Sometimes when I see the word "hospice" on the screen, I pronounce it "ho-spice" in my head.

Ian: [to Frank] You haven't even claimed your mom's body from the morgue and you wanna tell me how to treat mine?

Ian: Hey! Some of us want to graduate and do something with our lives. So how about you all shut the fuck up and let me sleep?

Steve: Now I'm off to lead tiny testosterone animals to victory. Gonna warm em up and give em my best Friday Night Lights speech about hearts, eyes, or some shit.

A Great Cause [2.10][edit]

Kev: Circle doesn't start with an "S"? What the fuck?

Kev: Too many Gallaghers in the world already. Lip, now you? Instead of passing out rubbers at schools they should be passing them out at your house.

Veronica: You know, there are a lot of kids who need a home.
Kev: Fucked up foster kids like me?
Veronica: Exactly. We could build up our own army. Like Wesley Snipes. Take over the neighborhood.

Mandy: [to Ian] Wipe off that fucking look on your face. A Gallagher looking down at me, I don't think so.

Just Like The Pilgrims Intended [2.11][edit]

Karen: Fuck Mother Nature! She doesn't have to worry about her vagina getting stretched. Ow!
Jody: You were already pretty stretched out down there, Karen.

Debbie: I think I'm depressed. I've been feeling kind of funky lately.
Carl: Means you're gonna get your period soon.
Debbie: It does?
Carl: Don't wear white for a while.

Steve: Your sister's driving me crazy. I don't know what it's gonna take for her to trust me. Again.
Lip: Can you blame her? You know, you have a whole other family. First, your name was Steve, then Jimmy. You know, you disappear to Brazil. Come back married. You know, it's kind of a tough way to build up trust.
Steve: I really am trustworthy, though.
Lip: Yeah, well, you're gonna have to do something bold to prove it.

Lip: Holy shit... they're still fucking?
Steve: Sometimes it's fighting. Can't really tell the difference.

Carl: [about Karen's baby] That thing looks weird.
Sheila: I think he looks beautiful.
Debbie: What's wrong with him?
Fiona: He has Down syndrome, Debs.
Lip: Yeah, and he's Asian.
Kev: Maybe we're just looking at him upside down.

Fiona Interrupted [2.12][edit]

Fiona: [about Steve] Christ, V. I can't let him back into this madness.
Veronica: Isn't that his choice?
Fiona: Well, he thinks he wants it now. Just wait a year or two, when I have one in the oven and Frank throws up on our bed in the middle of the night or Monica tries to hang herself in the closet with an old shoelace.

Steve: You're going to be disappointed.
Fiona: Wouldn't be the first time somebody's disappointed me.

Season 3[edit]

El Gran Canon [3.01][edit]

Fiona: Frank is like scabies; you can't get rid of them no matter how hard you try.

The American Dream [3.02][edit]

Lip: When you're poor, only way to make money is to steal it or scam it, like Don King or Joe Kennedy.

May I Trim Your Hedges? [3.03][edit]

Veronica: [about Cheryl] You let her sleep in our bed? You said yourself she's a crazy bitch.
Kev: She is a crazy bitch. And not a crazy bitch like you're a crazy bitch like, "oh bitch, you so crazy." No! She once tried to beat me to death with a frozen fish because I had asked if there was any more broccoli.

Cheryl: [on Veronica] She's some kind of nympho; has three drawers filled with dildos!
Veronica: What you doing going through my shit, bitch?
Debbie: What's a dildo?

Beto: [on Estefania] You married her before God, no?
Jimmy: No, I married her before her father who had a gun pointed at my nuts. It's different somehow.

Ian: Hey, did you really fuck Angie Zahgo today?
Mickey: Yeah, I fucked Angie.
Mickey: Everybody fucks Angie.
Mickey: You don't fuck Angie?
Ian: No.
Mickey: Huh.
Mickey: You want to fuck Angie? I can call her, get her down here.
Ian: No.

The Helpful Gallaghers [3.04][edit]

Fiona: If I had to apologize for all the stuff my dad has done, I wouldn't have a voice left.

Frank: If God didn't want things up our ass, he would have given the rectum a gag reflex.

The Sins of My Caretaker [3.05][edit]

Veronica: [reading a birthday cake] Haddy Birtbay Juby?
Fiona: Bakery guy is dyslexic.

Jimmy: It's not the homo thing that gets me, 'cause gays hit on me all the time and it doesn't bother me.
Veronica: Of course they do. You wear designer jeans and coconut hair product. You're like gay flypaper.

Debbie: [to Molly] I will totally teach you to swim. We can protect one another from city kids who hate white people!

Mickey: I don't know what you see in that geriatric viagroid.
Ian: He buys me stuff. Orders me room service... He isn't afraid to kiss me.

Ian: Hey, you know that guy you beat the shit out off at that club? Want me to sneak into his mansion and take all of his crap.
Mickey: Really. Hilarious.
Ian: Can't get them himself. Divorce. Says I can take whatever I want. He's loaded. You want in? [Mickey holds up a pistol] Jesus! Use blanks, maybe!
Mickey: Can I bring my cousins?
Ian: Yeah.
Mickey: Alright. I'm in.

Cascading Failures [3.06][edit]

Fiona: [to Jimmy] I don't mean to be an asshole. It's just... genetic.

Veronica: [fostering the kids] Five Gallaghers... I'm gonna to be the lone black dot on the map of Ireland.

Mickey: My dad took my brothers on a run out of town for a couple of days so if you want to ditch that dump and crash at my place you can.
Ian: Was I just invited to a sleep over?
Mickey: Fuck you is what you were invited to.

Mickey: You fuck anyone in there yet?
Ian: God no!
Mickey: Wise choice. Even if you're propositioned it's probably just a set up. Guys wanna find out if you're gay and pound the shit out of you. And not in a good way.
Ian: Great.

Ian: I mean, there is just no privacy. If I want to jack off I've got to do it in the bathroom.
Mickey: I can't even begin to imagine what kind of pussy you'd be in juvie.

A Long Way From Home [3.07][edit]

Jimmy: [to Fiona, after answering the phone] It's Veronica. Says she's got a dead body for you?

Judge: Ms. Gallagher, you want to tell me why your father should be declared unfit?
Fiona: We were living out of a car once. Uncle Nick had kicked us out. We couldn't find anyone else who'd take us in. Lip and Ian and me were sleeping in the backseat when Frank pulled over. Middle of the night. Think it was Halstead. Told me to take the boys and sit on the curb and he'd be right back. I was six. Few hours later, we're still sitting on the sidewalk and Ian's head is burning up. He's hysterical. I don't know what to do. So I ran down the street, Lip under one arm, Ian under the other, trying to flag down help. It would have been easier scoring crack than a ride to the clinic. I finally made it on foot. They said Ian had a fever of 104. Another couple hours later, who knows. I didn't find Frank until a couple days later. First thing he asked me, was how much money I had on me. Wish I could say that was the only time, but it was just the first. My mother is bipolar and my father is an alcoholic and an addict. He takes what he pleases and he offers nothing. No money, no support. I've done what I could to help raise my siblings. I wish I could've done more. I'm not asking for your pity or your admiration. I just want to be able to give these kids everything that they deserve because they're great kids. And they deserve better.

Where There's a Will [3.08][edit]

Karen: I got your message.
Lip: The one where I told you to go fuck yourself?
Karen: It was nice to hear your voice.

Veronica: And who's that puking on his Timberlands?
Carl: Cousin Patrick. He's got nausea, shortness of breath, blood in urine, severe illness and death.
Veronica: What the hell are you reading?
Carl: [holds up a box] Rat poison.

Fiona: You know what I want? Not to win the lottery or go on vacation to the Caribbean. I want normal people problems. Like, am I getting enough fiber? Why did my friend say that insensitive thing about my weight?

Frank the Plumber [3.09][edit]

Sheila: My daughter's a mean girl. I don't know how it happened.
Debbie: It's not your fault.
Sheila: But I'm her mother.
Debbie: Hey, if how we turn out is all about how our mother is, then I'm pretty screwed, right?

Civil Wrongs [3.10][edit]

Debbie: I have red hair, freckles, and crooked teeth. Don't need any more character!

Order Room Service [3.11][edit]

Ian: [After Frank takes the fall for Carl] What happened?
Lip: Hell froze over.

Survival Of the Fittest [3.12][edit]

Kev: Hey, what can I say? Once you go white, you always stay tight. Hey, I think I just insulted myself.

Season 4[edit]

Simple Pleasures [4.01][edit]

Kev and Carol: Are you out of your fucking mind?!
Veronica: Kev is just gonna lie down with you for procreation, not sex.

Fiona: What are you doing wearing my top?
Debbie: Pheromones, I'm borrowing them. It's the thing boys like about you.
Fiona: You mean tits? I think you might be a year or two off.

Fiona: Frank's a cockroach. You can stomp on him, spray him, try and drown him, but he always comes crawling back up out of the toilet bowl.

Lip: Yeah, I don't understand my grade on this paper. That would be a D?
Teaching Assistant: Uh, yeah, I remember this one. I graded it.
Lip: Okay, so if you graded it, what was wrong with it?
Teaching Assistant: Uh, it sucked.
Lip: It sucked? Um, look, I-I covered everything the assignment asked for. It was facile and glib.
Teaching Assistant: You danced around and you tried to be clever, but there were no compelling insights or any attempt at original thought.
Lip: Oh, original thought on Byron's Childe Harold's Pilgrimage? Look, nobody's had an original thought on Childe Harold since Queen Victoria was still getting laid.
Teaching Assistant: Look, this was crap, okay? You threw it together. You thought nobody would notice, but I noticed. Why are you taking this class anyway?
Lip: Because it was the only freshman English class available after noon.
Teaching Assistant: Well, look, you got another week to add/drop before you're stuck in here, all right? You don't want to work any harder than this piece of shit, I suggest you find yourself another course.

Kev: Hey! What the fuck man! He's dead!
Ward receptionist: Which one?
Kev: Stan! Stan Kopchek!
Ward receptionist: Sorry for your loss. You family?
Kev: No. Yeah. Sort of.
Ward receptionist: Yeah, well, we're not supposed to tell people over the phone when a patient dies, so we usually just say they ain't feeling good.
Kev: He's fucking cold!

My Oldest Daughter [4.02][edit]

Lawyer: Uh, I, Stanley Winston Kopchek, being of sound mind and body, leave to my sniveling, faggoty, fag of a fagorama daughter by the name of Alan Willard Kopchek my gun collection, in the hopes that she'll kill herself before she chugs another AIDS cock.

Kev: Stan, you son of a bitch, you taught me that a man isn't a man unless he's loved a woman, eaten the heart out of a live goat, or ripped a German soldier's face off. One out of three ain't bad.

Lip: Hey, you, you're, um-- you're that kid's older sister, right?
Gus' sister: Oh, could you be a little more vague?
Lip: Yeah, fuck. Sorry, um He wa-- he was my year at Lincoln Grove. Sorry.
Gus' sister: If you're talking about Gus, then yes.
Lip: Gus. Yeah, Gus. Yeah. Gus, that's right. Um, hey, hey, they let him out of Shawnee Correctional yet?
Gus' sister: No, he got time added for being an idiot.
Lip: Hey, what are you doing here? One of these rich frat boys need a date for the night, or--
Gus' sister: No, you asshole. I go to school here.
Lip: Oh, shit, seriously?
Gus' sister: Seriously.Yeah, you're not the only smart fuck from the yards. There are four of us here. I guess five now, including you.
Lip: Shit, sorry. I-- you know, I didn't know.
Gus' sister: Yeah, I will let it slide.
Lip: Okay. So how's it going? How you doing in this place?
Gus' sister: Yeah, not bad.
Lip: That's good.
Gus' sister: Yeah, I sucked ass my freshman year. It took me three semesters to catch up to what my classmates learned in high school. Unbelievable what a shitty education we got back home.
Lip: Yeah, hey, you want to walk over to the cafeteria with me? You know, I was gonna blaze up with one of the dishwashers.
Gus' sister: What?
Lip: Yeah, you see, I was supposed to hook up with this other chick tonight, but then I got dissed. So, um, I was thinking maybe, you know, me and you, we could smoke a fatty, maybe bang one out?
Gus' sister: Are you for real?
Lip: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Lip: You see, that-- that's my roommate down there with his girlfriend, hitting the bong. You know, they're not gonna be back till, like, after midnight, so we're-- we're good.
Gus' sister: Wow, so you think that just because you were some hot shit back home that that hood rat attitude is gonna work here?
Lip: Fuck. Excuse me for living. I didn't realize this place turned you into a fucking Disney princess.
Gus' sister: No, fuck you. You're the kind of guy I came to college to get away from.
Lip: Fuck you.

Veronica: You better get a ski mask and a getaway car, 'cause that's the only way we gonna be able to afford four babies.

The Legend of Bonnie and Carl [4.09][edit]

[Amanda has taken off her top with Lip in the dorm room and Ron has just walked in]
Ron: Excuse me, guys. Forgot my Spinoza. [Ron walks past the two to get his book and leaves the room]
[Lip runs out of the dorm room to follow Ron]
Lip: Hey, um-- Hey, listen, I'm-- I'm so sorry. Just let me explain.
Ron: It's okay, dude. You don't need to be sorry. I owe you one. I was starting to hear Amanda bark orders to me in my dreams.
Lip:So we're-- we're cool?
Ron: The best part about getting a blow job from Amanda, ten minutes of silence. Come on, dude. Don't be late for class.

Liver, I Hardly Knew Her [4.10][edit]

Bonnie: My family lives in there.
[Carl is wearing a joking face]
Carl: The supermarket?
Bonnie: No.
Carl: Oh, 'cause that would suck.
Bonnie: In the van.
[Carl's face turns absolutely serious]
Carl: Oh, yeah. That's cool. Van.

Lazarus [4.12][edit]

[Chuckie is sleeping nearby in the boys bedroom]
Lip: What are we supposed to do with him?
Carl: We could drop him off at the butcher over at the Food 4 Less, see if they'll chop him up for bacon.
Bonnie: We having bacon for breakfast?
Carl: Nah, we're eating Chuckie.
Bonnie: Oh, cool.
Lip: She's sleeping with you now?
Carl: Your girlfriend sleeps with you.
Lip: Yeah, Amanda's 20, not 12.
Carl: Bonnie's 13.
Lip: I still don't want her sleeping with you.
Carl: She doesn't want to have sex, something about her mom's old boyfriend and a biker gang.

Svetlana: So you are Rainbow Boy now?
Mickey: The fuck you do to your hair?
Svetlana: You wear pink sweaters and stink of man perfume now? I look shitty in pink.
[Svetlana opens bathrobe to reveal a strap-on dildo of extra size]
Mickey: What the fuck?
Svetlana: You like the penis, yes?
Mickey: Not when there's tits directly above it.
Svetlana: You want it up in your poop place?
Mickey: No, I don't-- I want you-- fucking-- I want you to put it away. Can you put that away? Put that fucking thing away, please? Thank you.
Svetlana: You love him?
Mickey: Maybe. I don't know.
Svetlana: Because he has a real penis?
Mickey: Yeah, I guess.
Svetlana: I hate the penis. Ugly fucking skin stick. Always trying to get in where it doesn't belong. You like boys. Maybe I like girls. No penis is staring at you, hoping to explode like sticky volcano. America-- it's land of choices, yes? Freedom to be me. Freedom to be you. McDonald's, Burger King on same block. You choose. One, both. Shit, maybe we go to Wendy's instead.
Mickey: Hold-- you're a lesbian?
Svetlana: Maybe yes, maybe no.

Sammi:You fuck with the bull, you get an ass full of horns!
Sammi:This is America, and in this country, people have a right to see their families.

[Lip and Amanda are eating at a breakfast diner late at night with Amanda's sorority and their dates after a ritual]
Amanda: That wasn't so bad, was it?
Lip: Uh, no, the chanting part was kind of creepy. But hey, I look good in a suit, right? You know, I figured it was gonna be more wild toga party than coven.
Amanda:Well, we're a bunch of engineering majors. Our parties usually consist of us watching Big Bang reruns and bleaching each other's mustaches.

Frank: [announcing to the rising sun on a sandspit on Lake Michigan on the Chicago waterfront] That all you got? That's it? I'm still here, you fucker! Frank Gallagher! I'm alive! You see me? You see me standing here? [Chuckle] You lost, asshole! I'm alive, motherfucker! Me, Frank Gallagher! Alive. Alive.

Season 5[edit]

A Night to Remem... Wait, What?" [5.04][edit]

City park policeman: [to Frank] Well, you're in a good mood for a man covered in pigeon shit.

Veronica: Going through a sex famine over here

Kevin: Besides, MMA chicks are super hot. It must be kind of weird dating a chick who can kick your ass.

Rite of Passage [5.05][edit]

Gus: Uh, favorite Eagle?
Fiona: Bald.
Gus: Oh, come on. The band, and the correct answer is Joe Walsh.

Sammi: But dad said...
Debbie: He lied. It's a Gallagher rite of passage, realizing he let you down. He always will. First time's the hardest, but, hey, it means you really are a Gallagher now.

David's father: I did it this time.
David's mother: This time?
David's father: I saved David.
David's mother: That man is not David.
David's father: Yes, he is.
David's mother: Well, then I fucked our son.
David's father: You slept with our son?
David's mother: He is not our son!

Crazy Love [5.06][edit]

Lip: You got this one?
Fiona: Yeah.
Lip: Are you sure? 'Cause I could beat him to death with a baseball bat. You know, say I mistook him for an intruder.
Fiona: No, I'm good.
Lip: All right.
Fiona: Thanks, little brother.
Lip: No worries, big sister.

Ian: Hey, why you crying? It's a beautiful morning, don't you know? Okay, you need a new diaper, don't you? Shh. All right. Hey, hey, hey. (Shushes baby) You're gonna scare Mr. Sun away. Okay. (Baby Wailing) Okay, okay, okay. Uh Okay, okay. Diapers. Where are diapers? Diaper. No diaper. Hey, Yevvy, look what I found. (Holds up a Motorhead t-shirt) Motorhead, yeah. Heavy metal diaper. You're gonna be a big badass. All the other babies are gonna look at you, and you're such a big badass, they're gonna go running-- no, crawling away in fear. Why are you still crying? Oh. You're hungry. It's morning. Babies get hungry in the morning. Uh, no food, but we're near an aqueduct. We can forage. We can hunt. We can get wild greens, okay? (hoists Yevgeny on his shoulders and in deep voice) We go now. We hunt like men. One, two, three. Up, up, and away.

[Amanda is painting a nude woman in a Renaissance-esque style on Lip's dorm wall]
Lip: Jesus, what's she weigh in at, buck 90, 200?
Amanda: Renaissance women weren't forced to starve themselves into an anorexic fashion industry marketing version of female sexuality.
Lip: I bet it was purely missionary. You know, getting caught under that would be like stepping on a grape.

Lip:What, they just give you a card?
Amanda:They'll give you, like, ten if you want. We're the future. They're meth dealers. Give you your first few hits for free, get you hooked. I'm just gonna run it up and then beg daddy to pay it off, turn on the tears, tell him how much I love him, promise to come home for Christmas. He always caves.
Nurse: Mr.Gallagher? How you feeling, Frank?
Frank: I've felt better.
Nurse: I would hope so. We've started you on Prednisone to decrease the inflammation in your liver, also Lasix to bring down your fluid levels. You were quite jaundiced when you arrived. Have you been taking your antirejection meds as prescribed?
Frank: My bitch of a newfound daughter hasn't been giving them to me.
Nurse: Your daughter has been keeping your medications away from you?
Frank: No, but she was supposed to make sure I take them.
Nurse: Mr. Gallagher, you are a 51-year-old man with a new liver transplant. You should be able to take responsibility for your own medications, unless you're mentally incapacitated. Are you mentally incapacitated?
Frank: Mentally incapacitated?
Nurse: Retarded.Are you retarded, Frank?
Frank: No.
Nurse: Then get your shit together.
Nurse: However, we did find traces of cocaine, marijuana, and opiates. If I were to hazard a guess, my money would be on Oxycontin.
Frank: Great stuff. The guy who invented it should be on the Nobel short list.
Nurse: This is no joke, Frank.

Tell Me You Fucking Need Me [5.07][edit]

Chuckie: Ow, my stomach.
Carl: This a scam? You're really gonna shit your pants?
Chuckie: I did a little.

[Carl leans over a tough boy in the hallway]
Carl: If you ever pick on asshead again, I'm gonna chew your nuts off with my teeth. [pause] And not in a gay way.

Uncle Carl [5.08][edit]

[Someone knocks at the door when Lip and Amanda are making love in Lip's dorm]
Lip :What?
Muff: It's Muff. Is Amanda in there?
Lip: No.
Muff: Bullshit. Tell her I'm not fucking leaving till she faces me.
Amanda: Turns out lesbians are super possessive.
Muff: I fucking love you, Amanda. I fucking love you, you bitch!
Amanda: I let her go down on me, like, twice, and now she thinks we're married.
Lip: Right. So what do you want to do? 'Cause I have to pick up my brother in a few minutes.
Muff: Amanda, come out here and face me!
Amanda: I'll let you borrow my car if I can hide under your bed.

Chuckie: I still don't understand why you shot him, mama.
Sammi: Because, Chuckie, fatherhood comes with responsibilities that go far beyond shooting sperm into a V hole. And I have decided it's time to teach your grandfather those responsibilities, because, clearly, he never learned them. He's like an untrained dog who keeps shitting all over the house, so we have three options-- run the dog over, send the dog back to the pound to be gassed, or train the dog. And I am choosing to train this dog. Isn't that the option you prefer, daddy?
Frank: Yes, it is, dear, and I really appreciate you taking such good care of me.

Carl: What's it feel like to be crazy?
Ian: Um, like I'm under a wet blanket and cotton mouth.
Carl: They give you shock therapy?
Ian: No.
Carl: Could be me next, you know. You ever think about painting yourself and running around naked? I think about that. Or flying? I dream about that. That doesn't make you crazy, you know. What about pushing someone on the tracks when the train's coming? - You ever thought about that?
Ian: No.
Carl: I heard about some guy that thought he had x-ray vision and could see girls' titties through their clothes. Maybe it's not that bad. You ever been to Michigan?

[Mickey is playing an electric guitar in his bedroom wearing nothing, facing the doorway and has a severe bruise on his right side face]
Debbie: What happened to your face?
Mickey: Nothing.What the fuck do you want?
Debbie: Can you help me get these drugs?
Mickey: Iggy! Iggy! Can you get that shit? [Throws bag of empty prescription bottles to Iggy]
Iggy: Who the fuck gets high on lithium?
Mickey: No one.
Iggy: So? So I can't get 'em. I can get you crack, crystal, horse, E. But this shit, no. There's no market for it.
Mickey: I'll take some fucking crack.
Iggy: You got money?
[Mickey is silent and motionless. Iggy walks away.]
Debbie: When are you gonna come by to see Ian? He's been home all day. Maybe if you were there-- [Mickey Belches] Did you guys break up or something? Because I'm pretty sure he didn't mean to kidnap your baby.
Mickey: I'm fucking busy, Peppermint Patty. Go whine at someone who gives a shit. [Debbie walks over to sound system and turns it off]
Debbie: Frank used to drink like this. When Monica was around and they would fight, he would angry drink. It never worked. He always came back to her. You can't drink him away, Mickey. It won't work.

Police:Put your hands in the air now!
Carl:All right, don't shoot. I'm white.

Carl's First Sentencing [5.09][edit]

Sammi: Know how groupies make sure their rock stars don't get lonely? All holes, Fiona. All holes.
Fiona: Spare me, Sammi.Your kid did not get arrested because of me.
Sammi: 'Cause of your thug brother. In one fell swoop, you Gallaghers managed to ruin his whole future.
Fiona: Let's be honest. Chuckie was not exactly destined for great things. Pack your shit and get out.
Sammi: I hope they throw the book at Carl. I hope the other kids in juvie toss his salad. Or make him toss theirs, whichever's worse.

[Frank and Bianca meet Yaz the street drug dealer]
Frank: Yaz, my man!
Yaz: You're still alive? [Frank laughs]
Frank: Death, taxes, and Frank Gallagher. My lady friend and I would like to buy some of your finest herb.
Yaz: Only got one kind.
Frank: Well, then, that makes it your finest.

Bianca: Those times you almost died, was it peaceful or scary or...
Frank: What's peaceful about dying? I don't care how much they meditate. When the time comes, those Hindus will be shitting their pants just like the rest of us.You know what they'll be thinking? "Fuck, I wish I'd tried steak".

Carl's lawyer: He is sorry for what he's done, and he has learned from the experience.
Judge Gaither: Do you regret what you've done, Carl?
Carl: I did something really dumb that I shouldn't have. I trusted a fucking retard with a man's job. Next time I move a bunch of drugs, I'll be smarter.
Judge Gaither: If you want to go into my chambers and speak to me off the record, now is the time.Otherwise, you will end up in juvenile prison. Is that what you want?
Carl: Yes, please.
Judge Gaither: That's not what I was hoping to hear.
Carl: I know what you were hoping to hear. If Your Honor would lose 20 pounds, I would consider tapping that.
Judge Gaither: I think I've heard enough.
Fiona: Why the fuck did you do that, Carl?
Carl: When Paul Sugden came out of juvie, he knew how to make IEDs and where to launder money. You can't buy that kind of education. Plus, my street cred will be off the chain. Don't worry, I'm gonna make juvie my bitch.

Kev: It's so simple in your 20s because you fall in love, you make bank when your girl posts videos of herself masturbating online. But then one day, you wake up, the bills are piled up, babies crying in your face. Everything's just so fucking hard. And the one thing that was easy, her, it's the hardest of all.
Student: Yeah, but she's really hot. She bad in the sack or something?
Kev: She can do more with the flick of her tongue than girls here can do gyrating their entire bodies. That's what happens when you marry the best. No matter how many girls there are, they're still not V. Hey, thank you, man. This was a great talk.

South Side Rules [5.10][edit]

Lip: And how's the lovely Ms. Muff Bulldagger.
Amanda: Fiery and full of lust.
Lip: Yeah?
Amanda: Like a coked-up Amish teenager.

Frank: I can't offer you much, but what I can do is-- is be your chauffeur on the limousine ride to the pearly gates.

Professor Helene: You know what? Drop the whole "noble thug" shtick. You're covering your own ass and you know it. You-- you have a choice right now. To recognize that you are a promising young college student, not some ghetto outlaw. You stop behaving like the world is out to get you when it is so clearly dropping gifts at your feet. Or you keep doing what you're doing and you end up in a cell somewhere angry and out of options.

Bar thug: You heard the lady. She don't want to go home with you.
Sean: Mind your business, dumbass.
Bar thug: You just call me a dumbass?
Sean: Bartender, can you serve this melonhead some IQ points?
Bar thug: You got a real mouth on you, pal.
Sean: Yeah, most humans with a face do.

Sammi: Listen, listen, Ian, I want you to know you are a really good kid with a big heart. You have some hard times ahead of you, but you're gonna do great. [Two burly Army MPs appear from both sides of the house] Okay. Gentlemen, this is Ian Gallagher. I think they're ready to take him to jail now.

Drugs Actually [5.11][edit]

Fiona:...meanwhile, I'm having fantasys of setting some of Sammi's clothes on fire, preferably with her still wearing some of them.
Sean: We are going to get my Cadillac, pick up your family, go up to visit Ian and you are going to refrain from setting people on fire.

[Sammi walks into house with a box]
Mickey: Need a little help with that?
Sammi: I'm fine.
Mickey: Are you sure? [Grabs box and attempts to intimidate her]
Sammi: [Holds out a revolver and points it in Mickey's face] Yes I'm sure you inbred piece of wet dogshit. Thanks to all of you, my son is in prison and will be celebrating his 14th birthday in there. Family sucks ass.

Mickey: I know some people that would tie her to a chair and pull out her fucking teeth
Sean: Is he serious? Because I'm on parole.

Love Songs (In the Key of Gallagher) [5.12][edit]

Fiona: Could I possibly be doing a worse job of raising these kids?
Gus: Liam isn't smoking crack.
Fiona: Thanks for coming over, I was just having a complete meltdown
Fiona: Never had any complaints.
Gus: You probably shouldn't be reminding your husband of how many men have tried out your mattress.

[Ian is at Walter's place, Monica's boyfriend, who he has just met]
Ian: How old is he?
Monica: I don't know.
Walter: Don't eyefuck me motherfucker!

Debbie: [reading a pregnancy test] [Excited voice] Oh shit! [Dreading voice] Oh shit...


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