"My attitude is one of unswerving devotion to myself. I am single-minded in my pursuit of money, fame and power. I also collect spoons."
The Micallef P(r)ogram(me)
- Shaun: Worried about dry skin? Concerned about lines and wrinkles? Then visit a burns unit and get some perspective.
- Shaun: If you think you've got what it takes to type slowly and sell confectionary and toiletries, then why not consider a career in pharmacy.
- Francis: Lamingtons!
- Shaun: No, I'm sorry. The answer we're looking for is "I'm well thanks Shaun." So no holiday to Hawaii or car, but you do get The Micallef P(r)ogram(me) board game so you can re-live your failure over and over again.
- Shaun: Well just how uncaring can some people be? We sent Ros Hammond out with a six-month-old baby and left it on a median strip in busy traffic. As you can see nobody stopped to help. Roz, an incredibly lack of concern for human life.
- Roz: Ah, well, disturbing isn't it?
- Shaun: Mmm, mmm... What on Earth are people thinking these days?
- Roz: Well I don't think people are thinking and I think that's the problem.
- Shaun: Any word on the baby?
- Roz: Ah, no. As far as I know the baby is still out there, so, we can really just pray for it at this stage.
- Shaun: Mmm. Staggering thoughtlessness.
- Shaun: Remember, a dog is not just for Christmas. It can also be for a birthday. In fact, you can eat them all year round.
- Shaun:: Ant farms: cruel and barbaric, or not that bad really? Outspoken chimney sweep Leon Spack has his say.
- Shaun: You know, when you sponsor a child like Doris here, you’ll be doing more than just putting food on her table. If every Australian gave a dollar a week to someone like Doris, that would guarantee her a weekly income of about 18 million dollars. Almost a billion dollars a year. That buy’s a lot in Doris’s village. Enough coconuts to stretch from here to Neptune transported in solid gold space shuttles fuelled by burning bank notes. Does seem a bit excessive doesn’t it?
- Shaun: You've written a book which fans will be delighted to learn. Others I suppose will be less enthused.
- Shaun: If you have any information, any information at all, please contact me as I'm writing an encyclopaedia.
- Shaun: Don't forget, tomorrow is national typewriter day, so buy a ribbon.
- Shaun: Is it pornography or is it art? Well as far as I'm concerned, the Mona Lisa is art.
- Shaun: Smoking: It has been found that 25,000 people die each day from smoking related illnesses. But scientists have proved, conclusively, that this number would be halved if divided by two.
- Shaun: If you live in Adelaide and are travelling interstate tomorrow, I'm not the least bit surprised.
- Shaun: I'd like to thank you too, for watching, along with any other Irish bands who tuned in tonight.
- Shaun: Mrs Veronica Huff wrote a letter to Micallef Tonight, saying that thieves broke into a high school and stole, among other things, every single computer. The computers were not insured because the school could not afford the insurance premiums. Micallef Tonight recommends you don't enrol your kids at Richmond High School, as they will be seriously under-resourced.