Sherlock (TV series)

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I'm Sherlock Holmes, the world's only consulting detective.
I'm not going to go into detail about how I do what I do because chances are you wouldn't understand. If you've got a problem that you want me to solve, then contact me. Interesting cases only please.

Sherlock is a British television crime drama series, broadcast on BBC One. It is a contemporary update of Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes detective stories, starring Benedict Cumberbatch as Holmes and Martin Freeman as Dr. Watson.

Contents

Series 1 [edit]

The police don't consult amateurs.

A Study in Pink [edit]

I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.
(25 July 2010 )
Therapist: How's your blog going?
John Watson: Yeah, good. Very good.
Therapist: You haven’t written a word, have you?
John Watson: You just wrote ‘still has trust issues’.
Therapist: And you read my writing upside down. You see what I mean? John, you're a soldier. It's gonna take you a while to adjust to civilian life. And writing a blog about everything that happens to you will honestly help you.
John Watson: Nothing happens to me.
Sherlock Holmes: [Unzips a body-bag, smiles at what he sees] How fresh?
Molly Hooper: Just in, 67, natural causes. He used to work here. I knew him, he was nice.
Sherlock Holmes: Fine. We'll start with the riding crop.
[Cut to Sherlock vigorously beating the dead body with a riding crop. He stops suddenly.]
Molly Hooper: Bad day was it?
Sherlock Holmes: I need to know what bruises form in the next twenty minutes. A man's alibi depends on it. Text me.
Molly Hooper: Listen, I was wondering. Maybe later when you’re finished—
Sherlock Holmes: You’re wearing lipstick. You weren't wearing lipstick before.
Molly Hooper: I, uh, I refreshed it a bit.
Sherlock Holmes: [beat] Sorry. You were saying?
Molly Hooper: I was wondering if you’d like to have coffee?
Sherlock Holmes: Black, two sugars please. I’ll be upstairs.
[Sherlock leaves the room]
Molly Hooper: ...Okay.
John Watson : [Looking around at the morgue's lab equipment] Bit different from my day.
Mike : You've no idea.
Sherlock Holmes : Mike, can I borrow your phone ? There’s no signal on mine.
Mike : And what’s wrong with the landline ?
Sherlock Holmes : I prefer to text.
Mike : Sorry, it’s in my coat.
John Watson : Er, here…use mine.
Sherlock Holmes : Oh, thank you.
Mike : This is an old friend of mine, John Watson.
Sherlock Holmes : Afghanistan or Iraq?
John Watson : Sorry?
Sherlock Holmes : Which one was it? In Afghanistan or Iraq ?
John Watson : Afghanistan. Sorry how did you…?

[Molly enters]

Sherlock Holmes : Ah, Molly, coffee, thank you. What happened to the lipstick ?
Molly : It wasn't working for me.
Sherlock Holmes : Really? I thought it was a big improvement. Your mouth’s too small now.
Molly : ...Okay.
Sherlock Holmes : How do you feel about the violin?
John Watson : I’m sorry, what?
Sherlock Holmes : I play the violin when I’m thinking and sometime I don’t talk for days on end. Would that bother you? Potential flatmates should know the worst about each other.
John : You told him about me?
Mike : Not a word.
John : Then who says anything about flatmates?
Sherlock : I did. Told Mike this morning I must be a difficult man to find a flatmate for. Now here he is, just after lunch, with an old friend clearly just home from military service in Afghanistan. Wasn't a difficult leap.
John : How did you know about Afghanistan?
Sherlock : Got my eyes on a nice little place in central London, we ought to be able to afford it. We’ll meet there tomorrow evening seven o’clock. Sorry, got to dash, I think I left my riding crop in the mortuary.
John : Is that it?
Sherlock: Is that what?
John : We've only just met, and we’re going to go and look at a flat?
Sherlock : Problem?
John : We don’t know a thing about each other. I don’t know where we’re meeting, I don’t even know your name.
Sherlock : I know you’re an Army doctor, and you've been invalided home from Afghanistan. You've got a brother worried about you, but you won’t go to him for help, because you don’t approve of him, possibly because he’s an alcoholic, more likely because he recently walked out on his wife, and I know your therapist thinks your limp's psychosomatic, quite correctly, I’m afraid. That’s enough to be going on with, don’t you think ? The name is Sherlock Holmes, and the address is 221B Baker Street. Afternoon.
(He leaves. John glances at Mike.)
Mike : Yeah, he's always like that.
John Watson: [upon first seeing Baker Street] Well this is a prime spot. Must be expensive.
Sherlock Holmes: Mrs. Hudson, the landlady, is giving me a special deal. She owes me a favour. A few years back her husband got himself sentenced to death in Florida. I was able to help out.
John Watson: You stopped her husband from being executed?
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, no. I ensured it.
Sherlock Holmes: You're an army doctor.
John Watson: Yes.
Sherlock Holmes: Any good?
John Watson: Very good.
Sherlock Holmes: Seen a lot of injuries, then? Violent deaths?
John Watson: Well, yes.
Sherlock Holmes: Bit of trouble too, I bet.
John Watson: Of course, yes. Enough for a lifetime. Far too much.
Sherlock Holmes: Want to see some more?
John Watson: Oh, God, yes!
Sherlock Holmes: The game, Mrs. Hudson, is on!
[In the back of a taxi]
Sherlock Holmes: Okay, you've got questions.
John Watson: Yeah. Where are we going?
Sherlock Holmes: Crime scene. Next?
John Watson: Who are you? What do you do?
Sherlock Holmes: What do you think?
John Watson: I'd say private detective...
Sherlock Holmes: But...
John Watson:But the police don't go to private detectives.
Sherlock Holmes: I'm a consulting detective. The only one in the world. I invented the job.
John Watson:What does that mean?
Sherlock Holmes: It means whenever the police are out of their depth — which is always — they consult me.
John Watson: [scoffs.] The police don't consult amateurs. [Sherlock looks at him askance, then gives a sly smile.]
Sherlock Holmes: When I met you for the first time yesterday, I said "Afghanistan or Iraq?" You looked surprised.
John Watson: Yes. How did you know?
Sherlock Holmes: I didn't know, I saw. [flashback begins] Your haircut, the way you hold yourself, says military. But your conversation as you entered the room — said trained at Bart's, so army doctor. Obvious. Your face is tanned, but no tan above the wrists — you've been abroad but not sunbathing. The limp's really bad when you walk, but you don't ask for a chair when you stand, like you've forgotten about it, so it's at least partly psychosomatic. That says the original circumstances of the injury were probably traumatic — wounded in action, then. Wounded in action, suntan — Afghanistan or Iraq.
John Watson: You said I had a therapist.
Sherlock Holmes: You've got a psychosomatic limp. Of course you've got a therapist. Then there's your brother. Your phone — it's expensive, email enabled, MP3 player. But you're looking for a flat-share, you wouldn't waste money on this. It's a gift, then. Scratches — not one, many over time. It's been in the same pocket as keys and coins. The man sitting next to me wouldn't treat his one luxury item like this, so it's had a previous owner. The next bit's easy, you know it already. [We see a closeup of the back of the phone, which has been engraved "Harry Watson — from Clara xxx"]
John Watson: The engraving?
Sherlock Holmes: Harry Watson — clearly a family member who's given you his old phone. Not your father — this is a young man's gadget. Could be a cousin, but you're a war hero who can't find a place to live. Unlikely you've got an extended family, certainly not one you're close to, so brother it is. Now, Clara — who's Clara? Three kisses says a romantic attachment. Expensive phone says wife, not girlfriend. Must've given it to him recently — this model's only six months old. Marriage in trouble, then — six months on, and already he's giving it away? If she'd left him, he would've kept it. People do, sentiment. But no, he wanted rid of it — he left her. He gave the phone to you, that says he wants you to stay in touch. [beat.] You're looking for cheap accommodation and you're not going to your brother for help? That says you've got problems with him. Maybe you liked his wife, maybe you don't like his drinking.
John Watson: How can you possibly know about the drinking?
Sherlock Holmes: Shot in the dark. Good one, though. Power connection — tiny little scuff marks around the edge. Every night he goes to plug it in and charge but his hands are shaky. You never see those marks on a sober man's phone, never see a drunk's without them. There you go, you see? You were right.
John Watson: I was right? Right about what?
Sherlock Holmes: The police don't consult amateurs.
[Long beat.]
John Watson: [slowly, grudgingly.] That was amazing.
Sherlock Holmes: [deadpan] You think so?
John Watson: Of course it was. It was extraordinary. It was quite... extraordinary.
Sherlock Holmes: That’s not what people normally say.
John Watson: What do people normally say?
Sherlock Holmes: "Piss off!"
[Getting out of the taxi and on the way to the crime scene.]
Sherlock Holmes: Did I get anything wrong?
John Watson: Harry and me don't get on, never have. Clara and Harry split up three months ago and they're getting a divorce. And Harry is a drinker.
Sherlock Holmes: Spot on, then. I didn't expect to be right about everything.
John Watson: Harry's short for Harriet.
Sherlock Holmes: Harry's your sister.
John Watson: What exactly am I supposed to be doing here?
Sherlock Holmes: Sister!
John Watson: No, seriously, what am I doing here?
Sherlock Holmes: There's always something.
[Sherlock has a small squabble with Anderson upon arriving at the new crime scene]
Sherlock Holmes: Ah, Anderson. Here we are again.
Anderson: It's a crime scene. I don't want it contaminated! Are we clear on that?
Sherlock Holmes: Very clear. Is your wife away for long?
Anderson: Oh don't pretend you worked that out! Somebody told you that!
Sherlock Holmes: Your deodorant told me that.
Anderson: My deodorant.
Sherlock Holmes: It's for men.
Anderson: Well of course it's for men! I'm wearing it!
Sherlock Holmes: So's Sergeant Donovan. [sniffs] Ooh... I think it just vaporised. May I go in?
Anderson: Now look, whatever you're implying-
Sherlock Holmes: I'm not implying anything. I'm sure Sally came round for a nice little chat, and just happened to stay over. And I assume she scrubbed your floor, going by the state of her knees.
[Sally looks visibly embarrassed]
[Sherlock is looking at Jennifer Wilson's body, alone with Lestrade and John]
Sherlock Holmes: Shut up.
Detective Inspector Lestrade: I didn't say anyth —
Sherlock Holmes: You were thinking. It's annoying.
Lestrade: Cardiff?
Sherlock Holmes: It’s obvious, isn’t it?
John Watson: It’s not obvious to me.
Sherlock Holmes: Dear God. What is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring.
Anderson: [In the doorway] She's German. [This breaks Sherlock's concentration] "Rache," German for revenge, she could be trying to tell us...
Sherlock Holmes: [Interrupts] Yes, thank you for your input. [Shuts the door in Anderson's face]
John Watson: You don’t have a girlfriend, then?
Sherlock Holmes: Girlfriend? No, not really my area.
John Watson: Oh right then. [pause] Do you have a boyfriend? Which is fine, by the way —
Sherlock Holmes: I know it’s fine.
John Watson: So you’ve got a boyfriend?
Sherlock Holmes: No.
John Watson: Right, okay. You’re unattached, just like me. Fine. Good.
Sherlock Holmes: (After an awkward pause) John, um... I think you should know that I consider myself married to my work and while I am flattered by your interest I’m —
John Watson: No —
Sherlock Holmes: — really not looking for anyone —
John Watson: No. I’m not asking — no. I was just saying. It’s all fine.
Sherlock Holmes: Good. Thank you.
Sherlock Holmes: [about the murder victim] Her coat is slightly damp; she's been in heavy rain in the last few hours. No rain anywhere in London in that time. Under her coat collar is damp too; she's turned it up against the wind. She's got an umbrella in her left-hand pocket, but it's dry and unused: not just wind, strong wind, too strong to use her umbrella. We know from her suitcase that she was intending to stay overnight, so she must have come a decent distance, but she can't have traveled more than two or three hours because her coat still hasn't dried. So, where has there been heavy rain and strong wind within the radius of that travel time? Cardiff.
Dr John Watson: That's fantastic!
Sherlock Holmes: Do you know you do that out loud?
Dr John Watson: Sorry. I'll shut up.
Sherlock Holmes: No, it's... fine.
Sherlock Holmes: That's clever. Is it clever? Why is it clever?
Sherlock Holmes: We've got a serial killer on our hands. Love those, there's always something to look forward to.
Sherlock Holmes: Did he offer you money to spy on me...?
John Watson: Yes.
Sherlock Holmes: Did you take it?
John Watson: ...No?
Sherlock Holmes: Pity, we could've split the fee. Think it through next time.
John Watson: You got all that because you realised the case would be pink?
Sherlock Holmes: Well, it had to be pink, obviously.
John Watson: Why didn't I think of that?
Sherlock Holmes: Because you're an idiot. [John looks up, insulted.] No, no, no, don't be like that, practically everyone is.
[To retrieve the suitcase, Scotland Yard executes a pretend drugs bust on Sherlock's apartment]
Anderson: We found the case! According to someone, "the murderer has the case". And we found it in the hands of our favourite psychopath!
Sherlock Holmes: [with contempt] I'm not a psychopath, Anderson, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.
[Sherlock finds Lestrade carrying out a fake drugs bust]
Sherlock Holmes: You can't just break into my flat!
DI Lestrade: And you can't withhold evidence! And I didn't break in to your flat.
Sherlock Holmes: Well what do you call this then?
DI Lestrade: It's a drugs bust!
Dr. John Watson: Seriously. This guy, a junkie? Have you met him?
Sherlock Holmes: John.
Dr. John Watson: I'm pretty sure you could search this flat all day and you wouldn't find anything that you could call recreational.
Sherlock Holmes: John, you might want to shut up now.
Dr. John Watson: Yeah, but come on... no...
Sherlock Holmes: What?
Dr. John Watson: ...You?
Sherlock Holmes: Shut up. [To Lestrade] I'm not your sniffer dog.
DI Lestrade: No, Anderson's my sniffer dog.
Sherlock Holmes: What A-[spots Anderson] Anderson? What are you doing here on a drugs bust?!
Anderson: Oh I volunteered.
DI Lestrade: They all did. They're not strictly speaking on the drug squad, but they're very keen.
[Sgt Sally Donovan comes out of the kitchen with a small clear plastic bag with 3 or 4 eyes in it]
Sgt. Sally Donovan: Are these human eyes?
Sherlock Holmes: Put those back!
Sgt. Sally Donovan: They were in the microwave!
Sherlock Holmes: It's an experiment!
Sherlock Holmes: Shut up everybody, shut up! Don't move, don't speak, don't breathe, I'm trying to think. Anderson, face the other way, you're putting me off.
Anderson: What, my face is?
DI Lestrade: Everybody, quiet and still. Anderson, turn your back.
Anderson: Oh, for God's sake...
DI Lestrade: Your back! Now, please!
Sherlock Holmes: Anderson, don't talk out loud. You lower the IQ of the whole street.
Lestrade: But how..?
Sherlock Holmes: ... What do you mean how?
[Lestrade shrugs]
Sherlock Holmes: Rachel! ... Don't you see? Rachel!
Everyone: [stares blankly]
Sherlock Holmes: ... Ha. Look at you lot. You're all so vacant. Is it nice not being me? It must be so relaxing.
Lestrade: Maybe it was in the case when you brought it back. And it fell out somewhere.
Sherlock Holmes: What? And I didn't notice it? Me?
Sherlock Holmes: Bitterness is a paralytic. Love is a much more vicious motivator.
Sherlock Holmes: [sitting in the back of an ambulance as a paramedic throws a garish orange blanket over his shoulders] Why have I got this blanket? They keep putting this blanket on me!
Lestrade: Yeah, that's for shock.
Sherlock Holmes: I'm not in shock!
Lestrade: Yeah... but some of the guys want to take photographs.
[When Sherlock asks about the shooter]
DI Lestrade: Cleared off before we got here. But a guy like that would have had enemies I suppose. One of them might have been following him, but we've got nothing to go on.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, I wouldn't say that.
DI Lestrade: Ok, give me?
Sherlock Holmes: The bullet they just dug out of the wall is from a handgun. A kill shot like that over that distance from that sort of weapon, you're looking for a crack shot but not just a marksman, his hands mustn't have shaken at all so clearly he's acclimatised to violence. He didn't fire until I was in immediate danger so obviously has a strong moral principle. You're looking for someone probably with a history of military service and nerves of steel... [sees John and suddenly realises] Actually, you know what? Ignore me.
DI Lestrade: ... Sorry?
Sherlock Holmes: Ignore all of that. It's just the, uh, shock talking.
DI Lestrade: Wait, where are you going?
Sherlock Holmes: I just need to, uh, talk about the rent —
DI Lestrade: But I still have questions for you!
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, what now? I'm in shock! Look, I've got a blanket.
DI Lestrade: Sherlock!
[John has just killed the cabbie]
Sherlock Holmes: Are you alright?
Dr John Watson: Yes, of course I'm alright.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, you have just killed a man.
Dr John Watson: Yes... that's true, isn't it... but he wasn't a very nice man.
Sherlock Holmes: No... no, he wasn't really, was he?
Dr John Watson: No, frankly, a bloody awful cabbie.
Sherlock Holmes: That's true, he was a bad cabbie. You should've seen the route he took us to get here.
[they start giggling]
Dr John Watson: Stop it! We can't giggle at a crime scene.
Sherlock Holmes: You're the one who shot him.
[they giggle some more]
Mycroft Holmes: For goodness sake! I occupy a minor position in the British Government.
Sherlock Holmes: He is the British Government when he's not too busy being the British Secret Services or the CIA on a freelance basis. Good evening, Mycroft. Try not to start a war before I get home, you know what it does for the traffic.

The Blind Banker [edit]

(1 August 2010)
[John comes back after the self check out at the supermarket refuses to accept his credit card]
Sherlock Holmes: You took your time.
John Watson: Yeah, I didn't get the shopping.
Sherlock Holmes: What? Why not?
John Watson: Because I had a row... in the shop... with a chip and pin machine!
Sherlock Holmes: You had a row with a machine?
John Watson: Sort of. It sat there and I shouted abuse at it.
DI Dimmock: We're obviously looking at a suicide.
John Watson: It does seem the only explanation of all the facts.
Sherlock Holmes: Wrong! It's one possible explanation of some of the facts. You've got a solution that you like, but you're choosing to ignore anything you see that doesn't comply with it.
[Sherlock and John reach Eddie Van Coon's apartment building. Sherlock buzzes Van Coon's apartment, but no one answers]
John Watson: What are we gonna do now, then? Sit here and wait for him to come back? [Sherlock pays more attention to the label of Ms. Wintle, who lives directly above Van Coon]
Sherlock Holmes: Just moved in.
John Watson: What?
Sherlock Holmes: Floor above. New label.
John Watson: Could've just replaced it.
Sherlock Holmes: No one ever does that. [He buzzes that apartment's button]
Ms. Wintle: Hello?
Sherlock Holmes: Hi! Um, I live in the flat just below you. Yeah, I don't think we've met!
Ms. Wintle: No, well, er, I've just moved in.
Sherlock Holmes: [grimaces] Actually, I just locked my keys in my flat!
Ms. Wintle: Do you want me to buzz you in?
Sherlock Holmes: Yeah. And can I use your balcony?
Ms. Wintle: What?
[Cuts to Sherlock jumping off her balcony onto the one just below it. He then enters through the unlocked patio door. As he looks around, John buzzes the intercom.]
John Watson: Sherlock? [Sherlock continues making his way towards the doors into the next room, eying a refrigerator with several bottles of champagne, also looking into the bathroom] Sherlock? You OK? Any time you feel like letting me in? [Sherlock forces his way through the doors into the bedroom, looks right, and sees Van Coon's dead body. Cuts to crime scene technicians taking photos of the body, as Sherlock and John stand by]
John Watson: You think he lost a lot of money? Suicide is common among city boys.
Sherlock Holmes: It never was suicide.
John Watson: Come on. The door was locked from the inside. You had to climb down the balcony. [Sherlock looks at Van Coon's suitcase]
Sherlock Holmes: Been away three days, judging by the laundry. [gets up] Look at the case, there was something tightly packed inside it.
John Watson: Thanks. I'll take your word for that.
Sherlock Holmes: Problem?
John Watson: Yeah. I'm not desperate to root around some bloke's dirty underwear.
[Watson enters]
Sherlock Holmes: I said 'Can you pass me a pen?'.
John Watson: What? When?
Sherlock Holmes: About an hour ago.
John Watson: Didn't notice I'd gone out then?
[Examining Brian Lukis's apartment]
Sherlock Holmes: Fourth floor. That’s why they think they’re safe. Put the chain on the door, bolt it shut. They think they’re impregnable. [spots the skylight] They never consider for a moment there's another way in.
DI Dimmock: I don't understand.
[Sherlock grabs a table, balances a chair on it and climbs up on it]
Sherlock Holmes: We're looking for a killer who can climb.
DI Dimmock: Wh-what are you doing?
Sherlock Holmes: Clings to the walls like an insect. That's how he got in.
DI Dimmock: What?
Sherlock Holmes: Climbed up the side of the walls, ran along the roof, dropped in through this skylight.
DI Dimmock: You're not serious. Like Spider-Man?
Sherlock Holmes: He scaled six floors of a Docklands apartment building to kill Van Coon.
DI Dimmock: Hold on.
Sherlock Holmes: That's how he got into the bank - he ran along the roof and onto the terrace.
John Watson: Where are we headed?
Sherlock Holmes: I need to ask some advice.
John Watson: What? Sorry?
Sherlock Holmes: You heard me perfectly, I'm not saying it again.
[Sherlock and John encounter Raz, a graffiti artist, spraypainting a doorway]
Raz: Part of my new exhibition.
Sherlock Holmes: Interesting.
Raz: I call it Urban, uh, Bloodlust Frenzy. [sprays away]
John Watson: Mm. Catchy.
Raz: I’ve got two minutes before a community support officer comes round that corner. Can we maybe talk whilst I’m working? [Sherlock hands Raz his phone and he scrolls through photos of the ciphers from the bank. Raz hands John his spraypaint can]
Sherlock Holmes: Know the author?
Raz: I know the paint. Looks like Michigan, hardcore propellant. I’d say zinc.
Sherlock Holmes: And what about the symbols? Do you recognize them?
Raz: It’s not a tag. I’m not even sure it’s a proper language.
Sherlock Holmes: Two men have been murdered, Raz. Deciphering this - it’s the key to finding who killed them.
Raz: This is all you got? Not much to go on.
Sherlock Holmes: You think you could help out?
Raz: I'll ask around.
Sherlock Holmes: Someone must recognize it. [Two community police officers notice them and come running around the bend]
Community Support Officer: Oi! [Sherlock and Raz take off, leaving John with Raz's bag of spray paint cans] What the hell do you think you’re doing? This gallery is a listed public building!
John Watson: Oh no, that wasn’t me who painted it. I was just... Just holding this for... [The officers look at Raz's display, and then at the bag of spray paint]
Community Support Officer: Bit of an enthusiast, are we?
[Watson enters after getting caught with Raz's bag of spray paint cans]
Sherlock Holmes: You've been a while.
John Watson: Yeah, well, you know how it is — custody sergeants don't really like to be hurried, do they? Just... formalities: fingerprints, chart sheet... and I've got to be in Magistrates' Court on Tuesday.
Sherlock Holmes: What?
John Watson: Me, Sherlock, in court on Tuesday! They're giving me an ASBO!
Sherlock Holmes: [not paying attention] Good, fine.
DI Dimmock: Your friend...
John Watson: Listen, whatever you say, I'm behind you one hundred percent.
DI Dimmock: He's an arrogant sod.
John Watson: ...Well, that was mild.
John Watson: [when Sherlock is not answering the door] Okay, I'm Sherlock Holmes and I always work alone, because no one else can compete with my massive intellect!
[Sherlock has just recovered from almost being strangled into unconcsiousness, without Watson's knowledge]
John Watson: You've gone all croaky, you getting a cold?
Sherlock Holmes: [wheezes] I'm fine.
Sherlock Holmes: John, concentrate. I need you to concentrate. Close your eyes.
[Sherlock grabs John by his shoulders and begins to slowly orbit him turning John as he does so]
John Watson: Wh-what? Why? Why? What are you doing?
Sherlock Holmes: I need you to maximise your visual memory. Try to picture what you saw. Can you picture it?
John Watson: Yeah...
Sherlock Holmes: Can you remember it?
John Watson: Yes, definitely!
Sherlock Holmes: You remember the pattern?
John Watson: Yes!
Sherlock Holmes: How much can you remember it?
John Watson: Well, don't worry!
Sherlock Holmes: Because the average human memory on visual matters is only 62% accurate.
John Watson: Yeah, well, don't worry, I remember all of it.
Sherlock Holmes: Really?
John Watson: Yeah, well, at least I would, if I could get to my pockets! Took a photograph...
Sherlock Holmes: Oh...
[Soo Lin Yao is polishing a teapot]
Sherlock Holmes: Fancy a biscuit with that?
[She gasps and drops the teapot, Sherlock catches it]
Sherlock Holmes: Centuries old...don't want to break that...
[Sherlock runs through museum, hides behind display to dodge bullets]
Sherlock Holmes: Careful! Some of those skulls are over two hundred thousand years old! Have a bit of respect! (gunfire stops, silence) ...Thank you!
Sherlock Holmes: I need to get some air; we're going out tonight.
John Watson: Actually, I've got a date.
Sherlock Holmes: What?
John Watson: It's when two people who like each other go out and have fun...
Sherlock Homes: That's what I was suggesting.
John Watson: No, it wasn't. At least, I hope not.
John Watson: Hi, I have two tickets reserved for tonight.
Box Office Manager: And what's the name?
John Watson: Uh, Holmes.
Box Office Manager: Actually I have three in that name.
John Watson: No, I don't think so. We only booked two.
Sherlock Holmes: [from off screen] And then I phoned back and got one for myself as well.
Sherlock Holmes: We'll just sneak off, no need to mention this in your report.
DI Dimmock: Mr. Holmes...
Sherlock Holmes: I have high hopes for you, Inspector, a glittering career...
DI Dimmock: If I go where you point me?
Sherlock Holmes: Exactly!
Sherlock Holmes: How would you describe me John, resourceful, dynamic, enigmatic?
John Watson: Late?

The Great Game [edit]

(8 August 2010 )
Convict: Mr. Holmes. Everyone says you're the best. Without you, I'll get hung for this.
Sherlock Holmes: No, No, No, Mr. Bewick. Not at all. "Hanged," yes.
[John comes in to Baker Street, where Sherlock is casually shooting up a smiley face on the wall]
John Watson: [comes in] What the HELL are you doing?!
Sherlock Holmes: Bored...
John Watson: What?
Sherlock Holmes: BORED! [continues to shoot wall] BORED! BORED! [stops, hands the gun to Watson] Don't know what's got into the criminal classes. Good job I'm not one of them.
John Watson: So you take it out on the wall?
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, the wall had it coming.
John Watson: What about that Russian case?
Sherlock Holmes: Belarus? Open and shut domestic murder. Not worth my time.
John Watson: [dryly] Oh, shame!
[John opens the refrigerator and finds a human head inside; he does a double check to make sure he isn't seeing things]
John Watson: It's a head. A severed head.
Sherlock Holmes: Just tea for me, thanks.
John Watson: No, there's a head in the fridge!
Sherlock Holmes: Yes?
John Watson: A bloody head!
Sherlock Holmes: Where else am I supposed to put it? You don't mind, do you? I got it from the Barts' morgue. I'm measuring the coagulation of saliva after death. See you've written up the taxi driver case.
Dr. John Watson: Uhm, yes.
Sherlock Holmes: "A Study In Pink". Nice.
Dr. John Watson: Well, you know. A pink lady, pink case, pink phone. There was a lot of pink. Did you like it?
Sherlock Holmes: Ummmm, no!
Dr. John Watson: Why not? I thought you'd be flattered.
Sherlock Holmes: Flattered? "Sherlock sees through everything and everyone in seconds. What's incredible, though, is how spectacularly ignorant he is about some things."
John Watson: Now hang on a minute, I didn't mean that--
Sherlock Holmes: [sarcastic] Oh, you meant "spectacularly ignorant" in a nice way! Look, it doesn't matter to me who's Prime Minister, or who's sleeping with whom--
John Watson: [somewhat bitterly] Or that the earth goes around the sun.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh God, that again! It's not important!
John Watson: Not important? It's primary school stuff! How can you not know that?
Sherlock Holmes: Well, if I ever did, I've deleted it.
John Watson: "Deleted it"?
Sherlock Holmes: Listen: [gets up and points to his head] This is my hard-drive, and it only makes sense to put things in there that are useful. Really useful. Ordinary people fill their heads with all kinds of rubbish, and that makes it hard to get at the stuff that matters! Do you see?
John Watson: [brief silence; looks at Sherlock incredulously] But it's the solar system!
Sherlock Holmes: [extremely irritated by now] Oh, hell! What does that matter?! So we go around the sun! If we went around the moon or round and round the garden like a teddy bear, it wouldn't make any difference! All that matters to me is the work! Without that, my brain rots. Put that in your blog - or better still, stop inflicting your opinions on the world!
Sherlock Holmes: Look at that, Mrs. Hudson. Quiet. Calm. Peaceful. Isn't it hateful?
John Watson: There are lives at stake, Sherlock! Actual human live— Just, just so I know, do you care about that at all?
Sherlock Holmes: Will caring about them help save them?
John Watson: [angrily] Nope!
Sherlock Holmes: Then I'll continue not to make that mistake.
John Watson: And you find that easy, do you?
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, very. Is that news to you?
John Watson: No. [pause] No.
Sherlock Holmes: [realising] ...I've disappointed you.
John Watson: [sarcastically] That's good, that's good deduction, yeah.
Sherlock Holmes: Don't make people into heroes, John. Heroes don't exist, and if they did, I wouldn't be one of them.
John Watson: [After a signature Sherlock monologue of the case] Fantastic.
Sherlock Holmes: Meretricious.
Greg Lestrade: And a Happy New Year.
Sherlock Holmes: [watching television] No, no, NO! Of course he's not the boy's father! Look at the turn-ups on his jeans!
John Watson: I knew it was dangerous.
Sherlock Holmes: Hmm?
John Watson: Getting you into crap telly.
[Sherlock goes to the pool where Carl Powers died, and holds up the memory stick.]
Sherlock Holmes: Brought you a little getting to know you present. Oh, that's what it's all been for isn't it? All your little puzzles, making me dance... all to distract me from this.
[John steps out from the shadows]
John Watson: [being dictated by the bomber] Evening. This is a turn up, isn't it, Sherlock?
Sherlock Holmes: John... What the hell-
John Watson: Bet you never saw this coming. [John opens his coat and reveals his explosive vest] What would you like me to make him say next? Gottle o geer, Gottle o geer, Gottle o-
Sherlock Holmes: Stop it.
John Watson: Nice touch, this the pool... where little Carl died. I stopped him and I can stop John Watson too. Stop his heart.
Sherlock Holmes: Who are you?
Jim Moriarty: [Enters through a side door] I gave you my number. I thought you might call. Is that a British Army Browning L9A1 in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?
Sherlock Holmes: [Draws the gun, points it at Moriarty] Both.
Jim Moriarty: Jim Moriarty... Hi. Jim? Jim from the hospital? Oh, did I really make such a fleeting impression? But then I suppose that was rather the point.
[Sherlock looks at the red laser pointing at John]
Jim Moriarty: Don't be silly, someone else is holding the rifle. I don't like getting my hands dirty. I've given you a glimpse, Sherlock, just a tinsy glimspe of what I've got going on out there in the big bad world. I'm a specialist, you see... like you!
Sherlock: Dear Jim, please will you fix it for me to get rid of my lovers nasty sister? Dear Jim, please will you fix it for me to disappear to South America?
Moriarty: Just so.
Sherlock: Consulting criminal. Brilliant.
Moriarty: Isn't it? No one ever gets to me... and no one ever will.
Sherlock: I did.
Moriarty: You've come the closest. Now you're in my way.
Sherlock: Thank you.
Moriarty: Didn't mean that as a compliment.
Sherlock: Yes you did.
Moriarty: [shrugs] Yeah okay, I did. But the flirting's over now, Sherlock, Daddy's had enough now! I've shown you what I can do, I cut lose all those people. All those little problems, even thirty million quid just to get you to come out and play. So take this as a friendly warning, my dear: back off. Although I have loved this, this little game of ours, playing Jim from IT, playing gay. Did you like the little touch with the underwear?
Sherlock: People have died.
Moriarty: That's what people DO!
Sherlock: I will stop you.
Moriarty: No you won't.
Sherlock: [To John] You all right?
Moriarty: [To John] You can talk, Johnny Boy. Go ahead.
[John nods his head. Sherlock holds out the memory stick to Jim]
Sherlock: Take it.
Moriarty: Ah, that. The missile plans. Boring. I could have got them anywhere.
[Throws it into the swimming pool. John grabs Moriarty]
John: Sherlock, Run!
Moriarty: [laughs] Good! Very Good.
John: Your sniper pulls that trigger, Mr. Moriarty, then we both go up.
Moriarty: [To Sherlock] Isn't he sweet? I can see why you like having him around. But then, people get so sentimental to their pets and so touchingly loyal. Oops! You've rather shown your hand there, Dr Watson.
[The sniper changes his aim to Sherlock instead. John lets Moriarty go. Moriarty pats his suit down.]
Moriarty: Westwood. Do you know what happens if you don't leave me alone, Sherlock, to you?
Sherlock: [Dryly] Oh, let me guess, I get killed.
Moriarty: Kill you? Um, no. Don't be obvious I mean, I'm gonna kill you anyway, someday. I don't want to rush it though. I'm saving it up for something special! No no no no no, if you don't stop prying... I'll burn you. I will burn.. the heart out of you.
Sherlock: I've been reliably informed that I don't have one.
Moriarty: Oh, but we both know that's not quite true. Well, I better be off. So nice to have a proper chat.
Sherlock: What if I was to shoot you now? Right now?
Moriarty: Well, then you could cherish the look of surprise on my face. Because I'd be surprised, Sherlock, really I would, and just a little bit... disappointed. And of course, you wouldn't be able to cherish it for very long. Ciao, Sherlock Holmes.
Sherlock: Catch.... You.... Later.
Moriarty: [High pitched, sing-song voice] No, you won't!

(After Sherlock rip off the explosive coat from John)

John Watson: I'm glad no one saw that.
Sherlock Holmes: Mm?
John Watson: You ripping my clothes off in a darkened swimming pool. People might talk.
Sherlock Holmes: People do little else. [smiles]
Moriarty: Sorry, boys! I'm soooo changeable. It is a weakness with me, but to be fair to myself, it is my only weakness. You can't be allowed to continue. You just can't. I would try to convince you, but everything I have to say has already crossed your mind.
Sherlock Holmes: Then probably my answer has crossed yours. [points gun at Moriarty, then points it down at John's explosive coat on the floor.]

Series 2 [edit]

A Scandal in Belgravia [edit]

(1 January 2012)
[Continuing from the cliffhanger in "The Great Game", Sherlock is pointing a gun at John's explosive coat. Moriarty stares at Sherlock's decision with a hint of fear. Suddenly Staying Alive by Bee Gees plays. It's Moriarty's mobile phone]
Jim Moriarty: Mind if I get that?
Sherlock Holmes: Oh no, please. You've got the rest of your life.
[Moriarty answers his phone]
Jim Moriarty: Hello? Yes, of course it is, what do you want? [Mouthing to Sherlock] Sorry!
Sherlock Holmes: [Mouthing back sarcastically] Oh, it's fine!
Jim Moriarty: [On the phone; shouts unnervingly] Say that again!!! [normal voice] Say that again and know if you are lying to me, I will find you and I will sssskin you!
Little Girl: They wouldn't let us see Grandad when he was dead. Is that cos he'd gone to heaven?
Sherlock Holmes: People don't really go to heaven when they die. They're taken to a special room and burned.
John Watson: Sherlock...
John Watson: You realise this is a tiny bit humiliating?
Sherlock Holmes: It's okay, I'm fine. Now... show me to the stream.
John Watson: I didn't really mean for you.
Sherlock Holmes: Look, this is a six. There's no point in my leaving the flat for anything less than a seven, we agreed. Now go back, show me the grass.
John Watson: When did we agree that?
Sherlock Holmes: We agreed it yesterday.
John Watson: I wasn't even at home yesterday. I was in Dublin.
Sherlock Holmes: It's hardly my fault you weren't listening.
John Watson: Do you just carry on talking when I'm away?
Sherlock Holmes: I don't know, how often are you away?
John Watson: There is a mute button and I will use it.
[In Buckingham Palace, Sherlock is wrapped in a sheet, apparently naked]
John Watson: Are you wearing any pants?
Sherlock Holmes: ...No.
John Watson: Okay.
[Sherlock and John are in Buckingham Palace]
John Watson: What are we doing here, Sherlock? Seriously, what?
Sherlock Holmes: I don't know.
John Watson: Here to see the Queen?
[Mycroft Holmes walks in]
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, apparently yes.
[They fall about laughing whilst Mycroft stares disapprovingly]
Mycroft Holmes: Just once, can you two behave like grown-ups?
John Watson: We solve crimes. I blog about it, and he forgets his pants. I wouldn't hold out too much hope.
[Mycroft hands Sherlock, who is still undressed, some clothes]
Mycroft Holmes: We are in Buckingham Palace, the very heart of the British nation. Sherlock Holmes, put your trousers on!
Sherlock Holmes: What for?
[Mycroft pours tea]
Mycroft Holmes: I'll be mother.
Sherlock Holmes: And there is a whole childhood in a nutshell.
[Sherlock is learning about Irene Adler]
Sherlock Holmes: Who is she?
Mycroft Holmes: Irene Adler. Professionally known as ‘The Woman’.
John Watson "Professionally"?
Mycroft Holmes: There are many names for what she does. She prefers 'Dominatrix'.
Sherlock Holmes: Dominatrix?
Mycroft Holmes: Don't be alarmed. It's to do with sex.
Sherlock Holmes: Sex doesn't alarm me.
Mycroft Holmes: [smirking] How would you know? [Sherlock just looks at him] She provides, shall we say, "recreational scolding" to those who enjoy that sort of thing and are prepared to pay for it.
Sherlock Holmes: Punch me in the face.
John Watson: Punch you?
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, punch me, in the face. Didn't you hear me?
John Watson: I always hear "punch me in the face" when you're speaking, but it's usually subtext.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, for God's sake! [punches John in the face. John punches him back, before jumping onto his back and grabbing him in a chokehold] Okay, I think that's enough now.
John Watson: You want to remember, Sherlock, I was a soldier. I killed people!
Sherlock Holmes: You were a doctor!
John Watson: I had bad days!
Irene Adler: Look at those cheekbones. I could cut myself slapping that face. Would you like me to try?
Irene Adler: D’you know the big problem with a disguise, Mr. Holmes? However hard you try, it’s always a self-portrait.
Sherlock Holmes: You think I’m a vicar with a bleeding face?
Irene Adler: No, I think you’re damaged, delusional and believe in a higher power. In your case, it’s yourself. And somebody loves you... Oh, if I had to punch that face,[Looks at John] I'd avoid your nose and teeth too.
John Watson: [Laughs] Could you put something on please, anything at all... a napkin?
Irene Adler: Why? Are you feeling exposed?
Sherlock Holmes: I don't think John knows where to look. [Stands up and offers coat to Irene]
Irene Adler: No, I think he knows exactly where.[Stands in front of John] I'm not sure about you.[Takes coat from Sherlock]
Sherlock Holmes: If I were to look at naked women I'd borrow John's laptop.
John Watson: You do borrow my laptop.
Sherlock Holmes: I confiscate it.
Irene Adler: Brainy is the new sexy.

[Sherlock is about to open Irene's safe under the watch of their captives when he pauses.]

Sherlock Holmes: ...Vatican cameos. [Both Sherlock and John immediately duck as a gun fires from within the safe. Sherlock and Irene manage to take the guns from the other two agents.] Do you mind?
Irene Adler: Not at all. [She cracks the agent over the head with the butt of her gun]
[Sherlock and John exit Irene's house after disarming the agents sent to ambush them]
John Watson: We should call the police!
Sherlock Holmes: Yes. [empties a magazine into the air with one agent's Glock 17] On their way.
John Watson: For God's sake...
Sherlock Holmes: Oh shut up, it's quick.
Mrs Hudson: It's a disgrace, sending your little brother into danger like that. Family is all we have in the end, Mycroft Holmes.
Mycroft Holmes: Oh, shut up, Mrs Hudson.
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson: Mycroft!
Mycroft Holmes: [A long pause] Apologies.
Mrs Hudson: Thank you.
Sherlock Holmes: Though do in fact shut up.
Sherlock Holmes: Look at them. They all care so much. Do you ever wonder if there's something wrong with us?
Mycroft Holmes: All lives end. All hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage, Sherlock.
John Watson: [On Sherlock] He will outlive God trying to have the last word.
Irene Adler: Does that make me special?
John Watson: I don't know, maybe.
Irene Adler: Are you jealous?
John Watson: We're not a couple.
Irene Adler: Yes you are. [Texting] There. "I'm not dead. Let's have dinner."
John Watson: Who the hell knows about Sherlock Holmes, but... for the record, if anyone out there still cares — I'm not actually gay.
Irene Adler: Well, I am. Look at us both.
Mrs Hudson: Oh, Sherlock!
Sherlock Holmes: Don't snivel, Mrs Hudson. It will do nothing to impede the flight of a bullet.
Sherlock Holmes: [on the phone] Lestrade? We've had a break-in at Baker Street. Send your least irritating officers and an ambulance. Oh, no-no-no-no, we're fine. No, it's the burglar. He's got himself rather badly injured. Oh, a few broken ribs, fractured skull, suspected punctured lung. He fell out of a window.
[Cuts to Mrs Hudson's downstairs flat, where John is cleaning her face]
Mrs. Hudson: Oh, it stings. [Something large and body-shaped falls past the window and crashes on top of a dumpster] Oh, that was right on my bins.
[Cuts to police officers and paramedics congregating outside as an ambulance leaves and Sherlock stands by Lestrade on the sidewalk]
DI Lestrade: And exactly how many times did he fall out the window?
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, it's all a bit of a blur, Detective Inspector. I lost count.
[After Mrs Hudson has been attacked]
John Watson: She'll have to sleep upstairs in our flat tonight. We need to look after her.
Mrs Hudson: No.
Sherlock Holmes: Nonsense, she's fine.
John Watson: No she's not, look at her! She's got to take some time away from Baker Street. She can go and stay with her sister. [To Mrs Hudson] Doctor's orders.
Sherlock Holmes: Don't be absurd.
John Watson: She's in shock, for God's sake, and all over some bloody stupid camera phone! Where is it, anyway?
Sherlock Holmes: Safest place I know.
[Mrs Hudson pulls the phone out from the front of her blouse]
Mrs Hudson: You left it in the pocket of your second best dressing gown, you clot. [Hands the phone to Sherlock] I managed to sneak it out when they thought I was having a cry.
Sherlock Holmes: Thank you. Shame on you, John Watson!
John Watson: Shame on me?
Sherlock Holmes: Mrs Hudson, leave Baker Street? England would fall!
Irene Adler: I told you that camera phone was my life. I know when it's in my hands.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, you're rather good.
Irene Adler: You're not so bad.(Pause)
John Watson: Hamish. (Both turn and stare at him) John Hamish Watson, if you were looking for baby names.
Sherlock Holmes: Really hope you don't have a baby in here.
Sherlock Holmes: ‎Please don't feel obliged to tell me that was remarkable or amazing, John's expressed that in every possible variant available to the English language.
Irene Adler: I would have you, right here, on this desk, until you begged for mercy twice.
[A long silence in which Sherlock and Irene maintain eye contact]
Sherlock Holmes: ...John, please can you check those flight schedules, see if I'm right?
John Watson: [Looking stunned]...I'm on it, yeah.
Sherlock Holmes: ...I've never begged for mercy in my life.
Irene Adler: Twice.
Sherlock Holmes: Sentiment is a chemical defect found in the losing side.
Irene Adler: Sentiment? What are you talking about?
Sherlock Holmes: You'
Irene Adler: Oh, dear God. Look at the poor man. You don't actually think I was interested in you? Why? Because you're the great Sherlock Holmes, the clever detective in the funny hat?
Sherlock Holmes: No...[Takes her hand and leans in to whisper] because I took your pulse. Elevated. Your pupils dilated. I imagine John Watson thinks love’s a mystery to me, but the chemistry is incredibly simple and very destructive. When we first met, you told me that a disguise is always a self-portrait, how true of you, the combination to your safe – your measurements. [Holds up her phone] But this, this is far more intimate. This is your heart, and you should never let it rule your head. [He starts entering digits] You could have chosen any random number and walked out of here today with everything you worked for. But you just couldn't resist it, could you? I've always assumed that love is a dangerous disadvantage. Thank you for the final proof.
[She grabs his hand, desperate. Tears are starting to form]
Irene Adler: Everything I said. It's not real. I was just playing the game.
Sherlock Holmes: I know. And this is just losing.
[He holds up her phone, having finally deduced her password. It reads I AM S-H-E-R LOCKED]
Irene Adler: Are you expecting me to beg?
Sherlock Holmes: [Neutral] Yes.
Irene Adler: Please. You're right, I won't even last six months.
Sherlock Holmes: Sorry about dinner.
Mycroft Holmes: My brother has the brain of a scientist or a philosopher, yet he elects to be a detective. What might we deduce about his heart?
John Watson: I don't know.
Mycroft Holmes: Neither do I. But initially, he wanted to be a pirate.
Sherlock Holmes: When I say run … run!

The Hounds of Baskerville [edit]

Well, that was tedious. … None of the cabs would take me.
(8 January 2012)
It's brilliant. Phone Lestrade, tell him there's an escaped rabbit on the loose. … It's this or Cluedo.
[Sherlock bursts into the room, covered in blood, brandishing a harpoon]
Sherlock Holmes: Well that was tedious.
John Watson: You went on the Tube like that?
Sherlock Holmes: None of the cabs would take me.
[Sherlock has just insulted Mrs. Hudson; she's run off in tears]
John Watson: Go after her and apologise.
Sherlock Holmes: Apologise? Oh John, I envy you so much.
John Watson: You envy me?
Sherlock Holmes: Your mind; it's so placid, straight-forward, barely used. Mine's like an engine, racing out of control; a rocket tearing itself to pieces, trapped on the launchpad... I need a case!
John Watson: You just solved one! By harpooning a dead pig, apparently.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, that was this morning. When's the next one?
John Watson: Nothing on the website? [Sherlock stands and hands John a laptop showing a message on "the Science of Deduction" website]
Sherlock Holmes: "Dear Mr. Sherlock Holmes, I can't find Bluebell anywhere. Please, please, please can you help?"
John Watson: Bluebell?
Sherlock Holmes: A rabbit, John!
John Watson: Oh.
Sherlock Holmes: Ah but there's more; before Bluebell disappeared it turned luminous like a fairy according to little Kirsty, then the next morning Bluebell was gone. Hutch still locked, no sign of a forced entry. [gasps] What am I saying? This is brilliant. Phone Lestrade, tell him there's an escaped rabbit.
John Watson: You serious?
Sherlock Holmes: It's this or Cluedo.
John Watson: Ah, no. We are never playing that again.
Sherlock Holmes: Why not?
John Watson: Because it's not actually possible for the victim to have done it, Sherlock, that's why!
Sherlock Holmes: It was the only possible solution!
John Watson: It's not in the rules.
Sherlock Holmes: Well then the rules are wrong! [Doorbell rings]
John Watson: Single ring.
Sherlock Holmes: Maximum pressure, just under a half-second.
Both: Client!
[After Sherlock does his signature scan on Henry Knight]
Henry Knight: How on earth did you notice all that?
John Watson: It's not important...
Sherlock Holmes: Punched out holes where your ticket's been changed...
John Watson: Not now, Sherlock.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, please. I've been cooped up here for ages.
John Watson: You're just showing off.
Sherlock Holmes: Of course. I am a show-off, that's what we do.
Sherlock Holmes: Look at me. I'm afraid, John. Afraid.
John Watson: Sherlock...
Sherlock Holmes: I've always been able to keep myself distant. Divorce myself from feelings. But you see, body's betraying me. Interesting, yes? Emotions... grit on the lens, the fly in the ointment.
John Watson: All right, Spock, just take it easy.
John Watson: Why would you listen to me? I'm just your friend.
Sherlock Holmes: I don't have "friends"!
John Watson: No. Wonder why?
Sherlock Holmes: Listen, what I said before John, I meant it. I don't have friends; I've just got one.
John Watson: [Nods] Right. [Continues walking away]
Sherlock Holmes: [Calling after him] John? John! [Running after him] You are amazing, you are fantastic!
John Watson: Yes, alright, don't have to overdo it.
Sherlock Holmes: I've got a theory but I need to get back into Baskerville to test it. [Pulling out phone]
John Watson: How? Can't pull off the ID trick again.
Sherlock Holmes: Might not have to. [Puts phone to ear] Hello brother dear! How are you?
Sherlock Holmes: Murder weapon and the scene of the crime, all at once! Haha, oh, this case...! Thank you, Henry. It's been brilliant.
John Watson: Sherlock?
Sherlock Holmes: What?
John Watson: [Indicating Henry, who is in a state of shock] Timing!
Sherlock Holmes: Oh. Not good?
Sherlock Holmes: Totally scientific. Laboratory conditions. Quite literally...
[Flashback to Sherlock monitoring John as he runs from the 'hound' earlier in the episode]
John Watson: [whispering] He's in here with me...
Sherlock Holmes: Alright, keep talking. I'll find you. [pause] Keep talking!
John Watson: I can't, he'll hear me...
Sherlock Holmes: Tell me what you're seeing!
[Sherlock puts his phone to a mic and sends a vicious dog snarl over the intercom.]
John Watson: [Shuddering] I don't know, but I can hear it...
Sherlock: [In the present] I knew what effect it had on a superior mind so I needed to try it on an average one. [John stops eating and looks up, insulted.] You know what I mean.
John Watson: [about being dosed with the experimental drug] Any long-term effects?
Sherlock Holmes: None at all. You'll be back to normal, we all will, once we've excreted it.
John Watson: Think I might have taken care of that already.

The Reichenbach Fall [edit]

You told me once...that you weren't a hero. There were times when I didn't even think you were human, but let me tell you this. You were the best man, the most human ... human being that I've ever known …
(15 January 2012)
Moriarty: Every fairy tale needs a good old-fashioned villain. You need me or you're nothing — because we're just alike, you and I. Except you're boring. You're on the side of the angels.
Jim Moriarty: But don't worry. Falling is just like flying, except there's a more... permanent destination.
Sherlock Holmes: Nothing in the Bank of England, the Tower of London or Pentonville Prison could possibly match the value of the key that could open all three.
Moriarty: I can open any door, anywhere with a few tiny lines of computer code. No such thing as a private bank account now. All are mine. No such thing as secrecy. I OWN secrecy. Nuclear codes? I could blow up NATO in alphabetical order. In a world of locked rooms, the man with the key is king. And honey, you should see me in a crown.
Mycroft Holmes: Too much history between us, John. Old scores. Resentments.
John Watson: Nicked all his smurfs? Broke his Action Man?
John Watson: School friend, maybe?
Mycroft Holmes: [laughs] of Sherlock's?
Sherlock Holmes: Thank you, John.
Molly Hooper: Molly.
Sherlock Holmes: Yes.
James Moriarty: Hello. Are you ready for the story? This is the story of Sir Boast-a-lot. Sir Boast-a-lot was the bravest and cleverest knight at the round table, but soon the other knights began to grow tired of his stories about how brave he was and how many dragons he'd slain, and some of them began to wonder, "Are Sir Boast-a-lot's stories even true?" Oh no. So, one of the knights went to King Arthur and said, "I don't believe Sir Boast-a-lot's stories. He's just a big, old liar who makes things up to make himself look good." And then, even the king began to wonder, but that wasn't the end of Sir Boast-a-lot's problems. No. That wasn't the final problem. The end.
[Sherlock has just been arrested. The Chief Superintendent is wandering around the flat]
Chief Superintendent: Looked a bit of a weirdo if you ask me. They usually are, these vigilante types. [John stares at him] What are you looking at?
[Cuts to the Chief Superintendent nursing a bloody nose. John is slammed up against a police car next to Sherlock]
Sherlock Holmes: Joining me?
John Watson: Yeah, well, apparently it's against the law to chin the Chief Superintendent.
Sherlock Holmes: [On being arrested] Hmm. Bit awkward, this.
John Watson: There's no one to bail us.
Sherlock Holmes: I was thinking more about our imminent and daring escape.
John Watson: What?
[Sherlock grabs a police radio, sending all police headphones into feedback and alarm. In the chaos, he takes a gun from the nearest officer and waves it around]
Sherlock Holmes: Ladies and gentlemen, will you please all get on your knees? [Firing the gun in the air] Now would be good!
DI Lestrade: Do as he says!
John Watson: Just so you're aware, the gun is his idea... I'm just, you know...
Sherlock Holmes: [suddenly pointing the gun at John's head] My hostage!
John Watson: Hostage! Yes. That works...
Sherlock Holmes: You're wrong, you know? [Molly gasps in fright and spins round] You do count. You've always counted and I've always trusted you. But you were right. I'm not okay.
Molly Hooper: Tell me what's wrong.
Sherlock Holmes: Molly... I think I'm going to die.
Molly Hooper: What do you need?
Sherlock Holmes: If I wasn't everything you think I am, everything that I think I am... would you still want to help me?
Molly Hooper: What do you need?
Sherlock Holmes: You.
Sherlock Holmes: [John struggles to keep up with Sherlock as they flee handcuffed together] Take my hand [grabs John's hand].
John Watson: Oh, people are definitely going to talk.
John Watson: Paramedics. Mrs Hudson – she's been shot.
Sherlock Holmes: What? How?
John Watson: Well, probably one of the killers you managed to attract... Jesus. Jesus. She's dying, Sherlock. Let's go.
Sherlock Holmes: You go. I'm busy.
John Watson: Busy?
Sherlock Holmes: Thinking. I need to think.
John Watson: You need to...? Doesn't she mean anything to you? You once half killed a man because he laid a finger on her!
Sherlock Holmes: She's my landlady.
John Watson: She's dying... You machine. Sod this. Sod this. You stay here if you want, on your own.
Sherlock Holmes: Alone is what I have. Alone protects me.
John Watson: No. Friends protect people.
Jim Moriarty: You think you can make me stop the order? You think you can make me do that?
Sherlock Holmes: Yes. So do you.
Jim Moriarty: Sherlock, your big brother and all the King's horses couldn't make me do a thing I didn't want to.
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, but I'm not my brother, remember? I am you. Prepared to do anything. Prepared to burn. Prepared to do what ordinary people won't do. You want me to shake hands with you in hell? I shall not disappoint you.
Jim Moriarty: Nah — you talk big. Nah... you're ordinary. You're ordinary — you're on the side of the angels.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, I may be on the side of the angels... but don't think for one second that I am one of them.
Sherlock Holmes: [talking to John on the phone while on the roof of St. Barts] I'm a fake.
John Watson: Sherlock...
Sherlock Holmes: The newspapers were right all along. I want you to tell Lestrade, I want you to tell Mrs. Hudson and Molly; in fact, tell anyone who will listen to you... that I invented Moriarty for my own purposes.
John Watson: Okay, shut up, Sherlock. Shut up. The first time we met - the first time we met, you knew all about my sister, right?
Sherlock Holmes: Nobody could be that clever.
John Watson: You could.
John Watson: You... you told me once... that you weren't a hero. Umm... There were times I didn't even think you were human, but let me tell you this. You were the best man, the most human... human being that I've ever known and no one will ever convince me that you told me a lie, so... there. I was so alone... and I owe you so much. But please, there's just one more thing, one more miracle, Sherlock, for me, don't be... dead. Would you do that just for me? Just stop it. Stop this...

The Science of Deduction [edit]

Official tie-in website emulating the site of Sherlock Holmes in the series
  • I'm Sherlock Holmes, the world's only consulting detective.
    I'm not going to go into detail about how I do what I do because chances are you wouldn't understand.     If you've got a problem that you want me to solve, then contact me. Interesting cases only please.

    This is what I do:

1. I observe everything.
2. From what I observe, I deduce everything.
3. When I've eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how mad it might seem, must be the truth.

External links [edit]

Wikipedia
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Tie-in websites [edit]

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