Skins

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Skins is a British television program from Company Pictures which premiered on E4 on January 25, 2007. It centres on the lives of a group of sixth-form students who live in Bristol.

Contents

[edit] Series 1

[edit] Tony [1.1]

Tony: Tonight's the night, Sid. You finally pop the cherry, you finally get the VIP tour of Neverland, you finally...
Sid: Fuck off. [mutters] Don't make fun of me.
Tony: Alright, who's stupid enough to fuck Sid?
Michelle: Cassie?
Sid: No, she's still in hospital.
Michelle: No, they let her out; she's just not allowed to handle knives.
Sid: [defeated] Alright, she'll do.
Tony: Okay we'll have to get a lot of drugs. Tell you what: get an ounce. We can sell it at the party.
Sid: I've got to get an ounce of spliff?
Tony: Sure. There's this guy on Bradley Stoke who'll sell on tick; tell him you'll pay tomorrow.
Sid: Why don't you go?
Tony: Can't. Got tai chi, then my choir audition, then psychology.
Michelle: Cassie's great in the sack... as long as she's not hungry.
Sid: Who says?
Tony and Michelle: Everyone.
Tony: I say this world extends way beyond this little field of dreams we're dancing in, and I wanna see that world.
Chris: What the fuck's he on about?
Jal: He's quoting, Chris. It's a literary reference.
Chris: What do you mean, like Shakespeare and shit?
Jal: Dawson's Creek.
Maxxie: Where are you going?
Chris: To find that party.
Maxxie: Nah!
Chris: Look, it's posh kids! All the boys are gay!
Maxxie: Yea?
Anwar: Are the girls gay, too?
Chris: Look... everyone's gay!
Tony: How's the treatment going, Cassie?
Cassie: Oh, it's cool. I wear a white dress and now I can eat yogurt, cup-a-soup, and hazelnuts now. I'm not sick if they let me play with the cats. Yeah, it's like... hazy days, y'know?
Tony: Well, that's encouraging...

[edit] Cassie [1.2]

Anwar: I'm praying to my God here, Cass.
Cassie: Oh... wow... can he hear you?
Anwar: I hope not, otherwise he'll know about all those pills I nicked last night.
Ms Stock: [on the phone to her daughter Abigail] Yes?... No... No, I don't care who's going, Abigail, you failed to comply with my wishes regarding parties and carpets were damaged!... Stop crying!... I am not an "expletive bitch", I am your mother! Have you taken your medication?... Well, take it now. Now!
Tony: You stink.
Sid: I didn't have time.
Tony: Time? I’ve been home, showered, done my Chi, had a wank, subtly undermined my dad, put new clothes on and here I am, with my English coursework. I can't believe you haven't washed, man. You stink.
Sid: [in shock] Somebody kissed me.
Tony: Well, yeah, mate, but that's like a complete total fucking operator error 'cause you stink.
[Tony is drying his pants in the staff locker room]
Angie: [walking out of the shower half-naked] Tony, this is a room for female staff...!
Tony: Yeah, the dryer's broken in ours.
Sid: [walking in] Oh, there you are. Jesus, we're in trouble. That crazy fucking dealer found us Tony—hi, Angie [Angie uses her hands to cover her breasts]—I mean, we gotta do something, you could talk to him... oh, fuck!
Chris: [walking in] Aw, you wankers, that was well funny, man! I bet someone's going to have to apologise because Kenneth's crying now so he... [realises Angie is staring at him] Oh, Jesus Christ, that's Angie, Mary mother of God, that's Angie! Don't look, get out!
Angie: For fuck's sake, fuck off! [after the boys leave] Ah, I still got it.
Cassie: This guy from my group therapy’s got your ID card. He’s a crazy fuck and he hates you because you cheated him.
Sid: What’s his name?
Cassie: He likes to be called Mad.
Sid: Twatter?
Cassie: Yeah, totally. What did you do?
Sid: I bought some dope on the tick and lost it in the harbour, and... oh, fuck!

[edit] Jal [1.3]

Michelle: You girl need to learn a few tricks.
Jal: Like what?
Michelle: Like looking good, it's what I do.
Jal: It isn't all you do.
Michelle: Yeah it is. You play clarinet and I look shaggable.
Ace: Yo you're all up in our beat sister. This is big brother business, you know what I'm saying?
Jal: I think I do Ace and what I'm saying is shut the fuck up, okay!
[All the guys at the table are staring at Jal's breasts]
Jal: For Christ's sake! Stop Looking at them!
Maxxie: Oh, sorry Jal. Well, they're out aren't they?
Jal: [to Maxxie] You're gay!
Maxxie: [enchanted] Yeah... [snaps back to normal] I mean, yeah. Of course.
Jal: [to Anwar] You’re supposed to respect womens' bodies, Muslim boy!
Anwar: I’m respecting. Believe me, I’m respecting.
Jal's Father: [into a microphone, spoken word] I'm inspired—I'm offline, a renegade, disturbing the peace while I'm spitting a serenade. All this tension, miscomprehension. I'm informed and on the level that I might mention that when I scream it's just passion. I ain't angry at culture, I ain't angry at fashion. And I might sound spiteful if I feel shit's epidemic; I admit that some is soul and some is academic. I've been doing this forever, so why're you choosing now? Turning your face away is a punch in the gut—Pow! So swing a rhyme of time, like the daft sing of love, so keep your peace. 'Cause I've got kin, I've got skin to think of.

[edit] Chris [1.4]

Chris: [attempting to return a stereo] Look, man, I bought it yesterday, and I remember you! Very good... face for memorising. So yeah, I bought it from you and you were chuffed to sell it.
[The shop assistant opens the CD drawer]
Shop assistant: There's a pop tart in the CD drawer.
[A squatter shoves a naked Chris out of his own house after they fought]
Squatter: Listen, take a while, calm down, maybe take a day or two and then we'll talk about it, alright?
Chris: It's my fucking house!
Squatter: I don't make the rules, man, I don't make the rules.
Junkyard Man: [buying Chris' stereo] How do you want it? Powder, pills or cash?
Chris: Cash.
Junkyard Man: [counting out money] 10, 15, 20, job done.
Chris: Fuck it, let's have a look at these pills, then.
Jal: You try it: no mum, no dad, all on your own.
Tony Stonem: Sounds brilliant to me.

[edit] Sid [1.5]

Mark Jenkins: Oh yes, my boy, we're going to this my way, you hear me!? The gravy train has terminated, terminated, you little fucker. Did Tony fail this?
Sid: No.
Mark: Of course! And why, why didn't he fail it?
Sid: He doesn't take History.
Mark: Right! [beat] You are going to get something, something right, if it's the last thing I ever do! What's your next class?
Sid: Drama.
Mark: Right. Drama. Home. Coursework. Fucking perfection. Or else.
Sid: Why are you talking in very short sentences?
Mark: Emphasis. Drama. Fuck off.
Tony: Change. It's a wonderful thing. Look, you know how subatomic particles don't obey physical laws? They act according to chance, chaos, coincidence. They run into each other in the middle of the universe somewhere and bang! Energy! We're the same as that. That's the great thing about the universe: unpredictable. That's why it's so much fun.
Cassie: I've been waiting. Where were you?
Sid: I was out.
Cassie: Who with?
Sid: Michelle.
Cassie: Michelle? Wow!
Sid: Listen, Cass, I've had a bit of a bad nigh-[is interrupted by Cassie]
Cassie: Michelle's so lovely! [singsong] Michelle... my girl. [Rapidly] I love her, I love her, I love her! So hey, wow! Fuck you, Sid! [Sid tries to protest] Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! [Cassie shoots her toy water gun at Sid's face then breaks down in tears] I'm going home.
[Sid tries to stop her from leaving so he can explain]
Cassie: [kissing Sid] It's your choice, everything is your choice. [whispers] Wake up, Sid.
Chris: Everything you could ever want from an evening. Songs, choir girls, colourful costumes, fellatio... rabbits.
Maxxie: Rabbits?
Chris: Don't ask.
Tom: There are people here you can talk to. I am here for you. We can sort this out. I'm all ears, come on.
Sid: Well, we can start with the fact that my best mate wants me to make a move on his girlfriend, who I love, even though she still really loves him and now actually hates me and my dad thinks I'm a complete fuck-up and can't stop acting like a fuck-up and no matter what I try, I can't stop pissing everyone off. Sort that out can we?

[edit] Maxxie and Anwar [1.6]

[Anwar gets out of the Russian interrogation room]
Anwar: Now what?
Angie: Walk on.
Anwar: Fine. It's just that they look so disappointed that I'm not a terrorist.
Tony: Well you are a very dull Muslim. Very dull indeed.
Maxxie: Anwar's decided to become a Muslim.
Sid: What, like more Muslim than he was already?
Maxxie: A bit more Muslim, yeah.
Maxxie: Anwar's a fucking liar! Lies to his mum all the fucking time! No, no, no, fuck that. He makes me lie for him.
Valentina: Who is Anwar?
Maxxie: ... a friend.
Valentina: Who is homo?
Maxxie: Me! Anwar hates me 'cause I'm a fucking homo!
Valentina: Anwar hate homo?
Maxxie: Yeah.
Valentina: Anwar is friend?
Maxxie: Yeah.
Valentina: So, Anwar is problem! No, Maxxie... Valentina help Maxxie?
Maxxie: Yeah, yeah, thank you.
Valentina: Maxxie help Valentina?
Angie: I don’t have sex with my 17 year-old students!
Chris Miles: How old are they normally?
Sid: [to himself] Every time. Every fucking time. "Buy three ounces of weed, Sidney." Oh yes, sir. "Shove a bag of pills up your ass, Sidney." Oh, right away. "Come help me save some random bint." Oh, could I? What have we learned, Sidney? Your friends are shitheads.

[edit] Michelle [1.7]

[Chris has just seen Michelle act coldly to Tony and Tony getting slapped]
Chris Miles: Jesus, Sid, are you going to tell me what's going on? It's like a fucking episode of The O.C. in here!
Jal: 'Shell what happened?
Michelle: [crying] Never mind!
Jal: Never mind? Did he screw someone again?
Michelle: Again?
Jal: I tried to tell you 'Shell.
Michelle: About who?
Jal: But you never wanna hear it.
Michelle: About who for Christ's sakes!
Jal: Jenny, Mags, Kelly, White Justine, Black Justine, Bucksy from the Geography trip, the posh girl from the choir..
[Tony is outside Michelle's house throwing pebbles at her window]
Tony: 'Shell! 'Shell! Hey Nips! It is the east and Juliet is the sun. Arise fair sun and kill the envious moon who is already sick and pale with grief.
[Sid approaches Tony]
Sid: Why don't you just leave her alone for a bit.
Tony: Sidney?
Sid: She thinks you're a tit.
Tony: She doesn't think I'm a tit.
Sid: Why do you pull all this shit, Tony?
Tony: Look around Sidney. Fuck all ever happens in this shitty little town. You've gotta improvise.
Sid: No matter who you hurt.
Maxxie: I got off with Tony on the Russia trip. I only did it 'cause I fell out with Anwar when he said he hated gays. So I got upset and Tony said he'd give me head to cheer me up, you know? And it didn't mean anything but I lost my head, then he gave me head, then we got deported from Russia and I'm really, really sorry for being a slut, okay?

[edit] Effy [1.8]

Effy: Sometimes I think I was born backwards, you know came out my mum the wrong way. I hear words go past me backwards. The people I should love I hate, and the people I hate...
[Sid and Tony are rushing to Effy's rescue]
Sid: Hang on, you want to nick my dad’s car? Why can’t we nick your dad's instead?
Tony: Because, Sid, my dad has central locking, sophisticated alarm system, and probably thinks a spell in prison would do me good. Whereas your dad has a 20 year-old car, neighbourhood watch, and won’t prosecute.
Tony: Effy’s different, I sort of own her, ‘cause she’s my sister. But with you... I just really wanted you there. Then you were, in the car.
Sid: Thing is, Tony, you sort of own me too. Mostly in a good way.

[edit] Everyone [1.9]

Sid: [writing a letter] Cassie, I don't care if you think you're odd, because I feel like singing when I see you. And you're beautiful. And I've been such a fucking chapstick this past few weeks. And all I want to do this morning is sit on top of Brandon Hill and hold you, and tell you how wonderful you are...and stick my hand down your knickers. [thinks, crosses this out]
Maxxie: I’m gay, Mr. Kharrel. I always have been.
Mr. Kharrel: It’s a fucking stupid messed up world. I’ve got my God. He speaks to me everyday. Somethings I just can’t work out so I leave them be, okay? Even if I think they’re wrong, because I know someday he’ll make me understand. I’ve got that trust. It’s called belief. I’m a lucky man.
Sid: Tony you're my best friend, but I really don't know what the fuck you're on about most of the time... do you think that matters?
Tony: Sidney, I think on balance... it helps.
Tony: Just you and me, sis.
Effy: Fucking wanker.
Tony: Eff, what are you talking about?
Effy: Michelle.
Tony: I tried.
Effy: No. Wanker.
Tony: I said sorry!
Effy: Wanker.
Tony: Effy. I liked it better when you didn't talk.
Effy: [pause] Wanker.

[edit] Series 2

[edit] Tony and Maxxie [2.1]

[Dale crashes into Maxxie and they roll together down the hill. Dale kisses Maxxie who eventually pushes him off, and they roll down even more with Dale ending up straddling Maxxie]
Dale: Sent them the other way.
Maxxie: Fucking cake. I should've knew it when I saw the hundreds and thousands.
Dale: Lemon Drizzle. It's a piece of piss.
Maxxie: Dale, you can't just treat me like shit and then just... just... ah, fuck it.
[Maxxie draws Dale down for another kiss]

[edit] Sketch [2.2]

[edit] Sid [2.3]

Manfred: I vont my baby!
Chris: Four months without sex that ain't funny. But you probably wouldn't understand that, Jal.
Jal: Huh?
Chris: Well you don't have sex at all, do you? You have clarinet lessons.

[edit] Michelle [2.4]

Anna Richardson: [taking a box marked "Fragile" from a delivery man] This one's mine.
[The bottom of the box falls open and reveals several sex toys]
Delivery man: Buggering hell!
[Anna sighs and picks up a lemon-squeezer]
Anna: This one's actually a lemon squeezer!
Delivery man: Thank Christ for that...

[edit] Chris [2.5]

College Principal: [to Chris] I'll cut to the chase. We've no coursework from you and the exams are about to start. You're a shit student and your inevitably shit results will affect my averages and I'll be swimming in a river of shit and I didn't pack a snorkel.
Chris: Right, I've been to the job centre yeah, and they're a bit.. well they're all fuc-
Josie: Fuddy-duddies.
Chris: Yeah! Yeah, they are fuddy-duddies! Right, they're like, "just queue up here, fill in this box here, don't steal that. Right, it's a load of cra-"
Josie: Cranberry juice. [offers Chris a carton] Would you want...?
Chris: Thanks. Anyway, there's this one lady there, I've never met such a big fat bit-
Josie: Biscuit. [offers Chris a jar] Do you want a biscuit?
[Chris takes a biscuit and eats it]
Josie: How can I help?
Chris: Well, I'm thinking, seeing as you're a careers officer...
[Josie thinks heavily]
Chris: ...I thought.. you could... you know...
[Josie still thinking heavily]
Chris: ...help me get a job.
Josie: Oh yeah! Totally!
Chris: Yeah!? Fucking ace!
[Josie points to a sign that says "Be daring, try to express yourself without swearing."]
Josie: [quietly] Chris, stop swearing...
Chris: So I told him he was a pitty boss and a pastard, and he could pucking shove his pucked polo up his packside! Stupid prick!
Josie: I think one slipped through there Chris...
Chris: [thinks] Stupid punt.
Cassie: [psychotically, while cutting an apple with a carving knife] Chris and Jal... Jal and Chris... more couples! More and more couples! [staring at the knife] Have you ever been in love?
Jal: I don't think so...
Cassie: [smiling] Do you want me to describe it to you?
Jal: [nervously] Okay...
Cassie: Do you remember when you rode with me in the ambulance after I tried to kill myself?
Jal: Of course.
Cassie: That's what love feels like.
[Cassie puts her knife down and looks at her apple. Jal hides the knife anxiously]
Chris' boss: Can I have a word?
[Chris acquiesces. Simultaneously, Chris' colleague Jon completes a sale and begins a loud and over-exaggerated celebration. The noise can be clearly heard in the manager's office]
Chris' boss: It's just that, you've not sold anything yet. You've been here a while now.
Chris: No, no, I understand.
Chris' boss: If there's anything I can do to help...
Chris: [referring to Jon] Muzzle, maybe?
Chris' boss: [laughs, then adopts a serious manner] He does sell properties, son.
Cassie: Do you know what hurts most about a broken heart? Not being able to remember how you felt before... try and keep that feeling, because... if it goes... you'll never get it back
Chris: What happens then?
Cassie: You lay waste to the world... and everything in it.

[edit] Tony [2.6]

Tony: Animus... It means spirit, courage, passion, wrath. This is mine.
Professor: Who the fucking hell do you think you are?
Tony: I'm a bad dream, mate. I'm you before you shrivelled and died. And I don't wanna go where you've been. So in answer to your earlier question, you should've given me a place here. I'd have been the best student you'd ever had.

[edit] Effy [2.7]

Pandora: [stoned] Hi mum. No, I'm fine, I'm super duper fine! Yep, I'm with my friends and they're like so fucking amazing. Well, I guess I'm looking at Tony's cock, but he can't tell. See ya! [Tony looks more uncomfortable as she keeps on staring]
Doorman: What do you think?
Tony: [flicking through a book manuscript] Oh yes, excellent. But... [pauses while the doorman admits two girls into the nightclub]
Doorman: But?
Tony: The character arcs are immaculately achieved with a good degree of stylistic control. I especially like the doorman with superpowers; vaporising Reeboks? Very nice. [the doorman laughs] But you need to move the climatic development back, so the orgy scene comes before the disembowelling of the Elvic horde. See?
[The doorman takes back the manuscript and flicks through it. He pauses for a second, then has an epiphany]
Doorman: That's it! You've solved it! Oh, have a good one mate. [gives Tony a lollipop and admits him into the nightclub]
Cassie: [acidly] What do you want, Sid?
Sid: I want you to stop what you're doing, okay? You know: fucking around, fucking anything that moves. Just stop it!
Cassie: You started it!
Sid: I don't care, I don't care! You're cruel! I hate you!
Cassie: I hate you right back. [evilly] Why don't you pop over to Michelle's and give her one? [mock surprise] Oh, another one!
Sid: [annoyed] Just give it a fucking rest, okay? You know, it's you and me. You know that, and you're being stupid!
Cassie: My turn!
Sid: You went away! Why did you go away? You know, I needed you, and you pissed off! My dad said... he said you're special, but you're not! You're just slutting around like a spoilt kid!
Cassie: [singsong] Michelle, Sid, Michelle!
Sid: I don't love Michelle! I never loved Michelle, I love you, but you—[sits down and cries] God, where were you? Dad fucking died. [Cassie looks more concerned and guilty] I needed you. I mean, Michelle?.. We had great sex for three days and guilty sex for the rest. So what? I don't care! I did it. I hate you. [gets up to leave] Fine, fuck fifteen year olds. Whatever. I'm sick of saying sorry. I love you. You say sorry.
Cassie: I didn't fuck [Effy's friend], Sid. His mum had sown his name into his trousers, and, well, he got a bit excited. And he squashed my slug. My slug called Sidley. So I threw him out.
[Sid and Cassie kiss]
[Effy is talking to her art teacher, Madame de Luca, about her GCSE coursework.]
Effy: [Referring to her efforts in getting Tony and Michelle, and Sid and Cassie back together] It's finished.
Madame de Luca: Oh? Splendid. And what emotion have you depicted?
Effy: Anger. Jealousy. Bitterness. Tiredness. Hope. Lust. Love.
Madame de Luca: A veritable feast. So, where is it?
Effy: It's everywhere.
Madame de Luca: My dear girl, I'm not sure I understand.
Effy: It's conceptual. You just can't see it.
Madame de Luca: You're saying you haven't done it.
Effy: No. I'm saying you can't see it.
Madame de Luca: Well, I'm not quite sure that's going to work for the Anglo-Welsh GCSE board now, is it?
Effy: No. I guess they'll just have to expel me. [grins mischievously] Goodbye, Madame de Luca.

[edit] Jal [2.8]

Cassie: [to Jal] You can pull any face behind a mask.

[edit] Cassie [2.9]

Cassie: I'll love you forever, Sid.
Sid: You will?
Cassie: Yes. That's the problem.
Cassie: [talking to Sid in her bedroom] I don't know why I am the way I am.
Sid: It's alright.
Cassie: No, it's not alright. Something makes me hate everything. Everything. [happily] That's what I like about you, Sid. You never try to explain things.

[edit] Everyone [2.10]

Jal: I've been thinking about what Chris would have wanted me to say today. The advice he'd give me, which'd be something like, "Know what, babe? Fuck it. These guys know all about me. Tell them about someone else." So I thought I'd tell you about a hero of Chris's: a man called Captain Joe Kittinger. In 1960, climbing into a foil balloon, Captain Joe ascended 32 kilometres into the stratosphere. And then, armed only with a parachute, he jumped out. He fell for four minutes and thirty-six seconds, reaching seven hundred and forty miles per hour before opening his parachute five kilometres above the Earth. It had never been done before, and it's never been done since. He did it just because he could. And that's why Chris loved him; because the thing about Chris was, he said yes. He said yes to everything. He loved everyone. And he was the bravest boy— man—I knew. And that was—he flung himself out of a foil balloon every day. Because he could. Because he was. And that's why—and that's why we loved him.
Sid: The three of us. Together again. And we've all seen each other naked. [Michelle laughs a bit then looks disgusted] Which is... nice.
Sid: Where are we going, Ton?
Tony: Oh... yeah. [hands Sid an envelope]
Sid: What's this?
Tony: Open it.
[Sid opens the envelope to find his passport and a plane ticket]
Sid: New York? Why would I want to go to New York?
Tony: She's thin. She's blonde. She says [spacey] "wow!" a lot.

[edit] Series 3

[edit] Everyone [3.1]

[The new characters introduce themselves]
Pandora: I'm Pandora. I'm useless.
JJ: I'm JJ. With regard to mathematic aptitude I'm in the top 0.3% of the population which is an interesting demographic statistic because paradoxically my communication interpersonal and intuitive skills are towards the lower quartiles.
Katie: I'm Katie. I've never not had a boyfriend since I was seven.
Emily: I'm Emily. Never had a boyfriend.
Naomi: I'm Naomi. I hate injustice. People tell lies about me.
Effy: I'm Effy and I think my mum's having an affair.
Freddie: I'm Freddie. I met a girl I liked today. She's like beautiful. That's it.

[edit] Cook [3.2]

Cook: Want to know a secret?<
Naomi: What?
Cook: I know the cure.
Naomi: Cure for what?
Cook: [whispers] It's my cock.

[edit] Thomas [3.3]

[Thomas has just prevented two children from attacking a shopkeeper]
Thomas Tomone: What is this "paki" they call you... is it bad?
Shopkeeper: I'm from Delhi... and I hate Pakis!

[edit] Pandora [3.4]

Pandora: [running off] Come on! We can do brownies and then lick our bowls out.
Katie: Do you think she knows she sounds filthy half the time?
Effy: Sometimes I wonder.
JJ: If Freddie was here...
Cook: Do you see Freddie? Did we invite Freddie?
JJ: No...
Cook: And why didn't we invite him?
JJ: Because he's a fun sponge.
Cook: You got it.
Naomi: So what do you want Ems? Pinot Grigio or... cider oblivion?
Emily: Anything, just give me a fucking... just give me a...
[They kiss]
Naomi: Oh. It's only the drugs, right?
[They kiss again]
Emily: You liked that. [Naomi nods]
Naomi: You're gay.
Emily: Yes.
[JJ has witnessed the entire scene]
JJ: Oh my giddy, giddy, giddy... aunt.
Effy: Any good?
Pandora: I dunno what you mean.
Effy: I mean he's a sensational fuck, yeah.
Pandora: There's a whamma lot of things you don't know about me, Eff. Just because I'm useless don't mean that I'm nothing.
Effy: We're friends because you don't surf and turf my men. You said that.
Pandora: He's not yours, Eff. He never belonged to anyone.
Effy: Shut up.
Pandora: That's why you don't really want him.
Effy: Shut up!
Pandora: He's not the one you want, Eff! See, I know that because I'm your friend but you don't make enough effort, Eff! I'm just there to laugh at. You don't know me. My life, my family, my mum. Why don't you know anything about my mum? I know everything about yours.
Effy: ...You're right. I don't know anything about your mum.
Pandora: Sorry, okay.
Effy: Yeah. [pause] Oh Jesus.
Pandora: What?
Effy: Be careful what you wish for, Pandora.
Pandora: Why?
Thomas: Panda! Panda! [Pandora turns around] Panda! Panda, look I'm here. Panda, it's me. Are you not glad to see me? Mother said I could come back. What's wrong?
Effy: Don't be a twat, Thomas, give your girlfriend a hug.
[Thomas does so as Effy walks away]
Pandora: [crying] I missed you, I missed you too much.

[edit] Freddie [3.5]

Effy: I wanted to see what was in your shed.
Freddie: My...?
Effy: Shed. Everyone says you have a marvellous shed.
Freddie: Everyone?
Effy: Yeah, it's marvelled at.
[They enter the shed]
Freddie: So this is it.
Effy: So what do you and the boys do in here? Braid each others hair and play soggy biscuit?
Freddie: No. [beat] Not for ages.
[During a fairly uninspiring English lesson]
Naomi: Hamlet's basically a teenage boy. He's got all these desires, but he doesn't have the bottle to reach out for them. So, he goes mad, and wanks off about Ophelia, and ends up so boring, somebody has to kill him!
Josie: I'm not sure that's right. There's no wanking in Hamlet.
Naomi: Yeah, there is. Loads. Only they call it "soliloquising".
Freddie: We’d be good together. Don’t you think?
Effy: No.
Freddie: Why?
Effy: Because I’ll break your heart.
Freddie: Maybe I’ll break yours.
Effy: Nobody breaks my heart. And anyway, why would I want that?
Anthea: You may as well take them, they'll only end up in cunting Oxfam!
Jim: [Shouting] Don't you dare use "cunt" and "Oxfam" in the same sentence!

[edit] Naomi [3.6]

Cook: Come on, Naomikins. You want it, I want it. Let's get together and feel it, yeah?
Naomi: You couldn't make me "feel it" if you stapled your tongue to my clit and stood in a cement mixer.
Emily: Twice? You're going to do this to me - twice?! Naomi, no, you fucking... stop right now!
Naomi: What?
Emily: Don’t you dare leave me in your bed again.
Naomi: I've got to go. [walks away]
Emily: [shouting and sobbing] I know you, Naomi. I know you're lonely. I think you need someone to want you. Well, I do want you. So be brave, and want me back!
Emily: I'm not gonna open the door. My face is all puffy. I cried a bit.
Naomi: I don't care. [sits on the doorstep]
[Emily sits on the other side of the door]
Naomi: I do... want someone, need someone. You were right.
Emily: And?
Naomi: And when I'm with you, I feel like I'm a better person. I feel happier, less... alone. Less lonely.
[Emily puts her hand through the cat flap to hold Naomi's]
Naomi: But it's not as simple as that is it? Being with someone?
Emily: Isn't it?
Naomi: No...I mean, I don't know...I mean I don't think so, I mean... Can't we just sit like this, for a bit?
Emily: Yeah, we can... for a bit.

[edit] JJ [3.7]

Effy: Come on, JJ. Don't be pathetic, it's easy. Just tell me something true. Tell me. Tell me now.
JJ: I love you.
Effy: Well everybody loves me.
JJ: That's a relief.
Cook: Freddie, she loves you, you know?
Freddie: What?
Cook: She loves you. And she can't stand it. Can't stand the love, so she fucks me instead.
Freddie: What? [to JJ] What's he saying?
JJ: Oh god.
Freddie: What?
JJ: Shit. I think you're going to get the truth, Fredds. Cook?
Cook: I'm pissed off yeah. She's taking the piss. And it's hurting me, cos Cook needs the love too. Cookie's got nothing. Cookie's always got nothing. That's why I do her pal. That's why I pop Panda. Panda's popped. It's always the same - great tits Panda, great tits Effy. That's all I get, cos' I'm shit. I'm pure shit.
JJ: Just care, OK?
Cook: About what?
JJ: [shouting] About me! About me, you twat! You're all fucking twats!

[edit] Effy [3.8]

Anthea: Love, she's gone.
Cook: Ok, what time's she back?
Anthea: Not till tomorrow. They've gone to some party at Gobbler's End.
Cook: Nah, because... we're supposed to hang out tonight!
Anthea: Is that before you broke up or after?
Cook: But... I bought a fucking gâteau! Black Forest!
Anthea: Ooh, my favourite. [Takes cake and shuts the door]
Pandora: Relationships just can't stay the same, can they? Can't always be lovely and lush and not full of weird silences all the time. People can't always be perfect, 'cause that's not real, is it? It's not real 'cause things change. Don't they?
Cook: [to Freddie] What do you want, my fucking blood? Cos' you've fucking taken everything else! You've taken fucking JJ, and now you're nicking her as well! [Freddie looks confused] She hasn't told you has she? Fuck me! I'm so glad I didn't miss this!
Katie: What's going on?
Cook: Effy doesn't want me anymore, do you princess?
Effy: No.
Cook: You're all such whizzer chums, aren't you? Ain't that right, Eff? Ain't that right, Panda? Panda's been worried lately Eff, says you dont't see each other as much as you used to. That right, Panda, yeah? I said to her, "Cupcake, maybe if you didn't spend as much time with my cock in your mouth..."—
Pandora: Shut up, shut up, shut up! [grabs Thomas' arm] Thomas, let's go.
Thomas: Stop. It's fine. I know.
Effy: Wait. It was one time, right? Your party? [desperately] It was only once, right?! [Pandora cries] I need to sit down.
Cook: [to Thomas] Umm... sorry slugger. I don't think you heard. Me fucked your girlfriend, like, multiple times.
Thomas: What do you want me to say?
Cook: I don't want you to say anything. Hit me. C'mon, c'mon, hit me!
Thomas: You're just a sad little boy. [turns away]
Pandora: Thomas, please. I stopped it. I love you. Just give me a chance-
Thomas: [yelling] NO! I have given you chances and you have not taken them! Time and time again you have LIED to me! It's too late now. [quieter] I fell in love with this girl... she was good, she was honest... with the doughnuts... Now she's gone, and this new one... I don't like her... she makes my heart hurt.[leaves]

[edit] Katie and Emily [3.9]

[The language of twins]
Katie: Shum. [Sorry]
Emily: Huh?
Katie: Katie shum. [I'm sorry]
Emily: Why are you talking Twin? We don't do that anymore.
Katie: Emzy shum doo. [Say you're sorry too]
Emily: Emzy shum. [Sorry]
James Finch: [Walks in on Katie changing] Wow! You're naked, bitch!
Katie: [To Emily] Bumble mumble jimjams! [Kick the shit out of him!]
Emily: I felt like having sex with him. I don't have to ask you!
Katie: Yes you do!
Emily: What?!
Katie: You have to ask me! Katie say-go! Katie say-go! [You have to ask Katie!] Not gay; stupid!
Emily: What do you do someone you love lets you down? Really fucks you over?
Thomas: You must try to stop loving them.
Emily: And is that possible?
Thomas: [Pause] No, I don't think so.
Emily: Katie, I can’t stand this. I’m a person. I’m not you.
Katie: I know.
Emily: You have to understand Katie, I love you and I’ll never really leave you but I can't fix this. I like girls. No, I like a girl. No, I love her. Okay? I love... her. [points at Naomi] Okay? [Naomi holds her hand out to Emily]
Katie: Okay.
[Emily takes Naomi’s hand and they leave the dance]
[Outside]
Naomi: Some party.
Emily: Eventful.
Naomi: Yeah. [pause] I love you too.
Emily: I know.

[edit] Everyone [3.10]

Cook Senior: You're too pretty for your own good. That's why you destroy everything you touch.
Effy: Look who's talking.
Cook Senior: I'm Guns N' Roses, love. I got an appetite for destruction.
Effy: You're not his dad, not really.
Cook Senior: And you're not his girlfriend, not really. You're gonna fucking snap that boy's heart in two.
Effy: You've been doing it to him every day of your life.
Anthea Stonem: Are you Effy's friend?
JJ: I think so. Are you her mum?
Anthea: [nods] Can I sit? [sits down] JJ, right? The magician?
JJ: Oh, I used to do magic. Not anymore though.
Anthea: I used to be married, not anymore though.

[JJ draws a deck of cards from his pocket]

JJ: Pick a card, any card.
Anthea: I thought you gave up.
JJ: Some things are quite hard to let go of.
Anthea: Effy likes magic.
JJ: Are you sure?
Anthea: Well yeah, not the you know stupid abracadabra sort I- I'm so sorry.
JJ: It's okay. I've come to terms with the facts.
Anthea: You know, she was four years old the first time she beat me at hide and seek. Four. I was looking for her for hours. When I finally found her she just smiled. You know, that Effy smile that means "you don't know me at all, you never will". See that's a kind of magic. She's so good at concealing things, hiding, avoiding.
JJ: Yeah.
Anthea: I do know her. And I know that she has got so much love in her heart. But the thought of letting it out, showing her cards, scares her to death. I never knew it would be possible to miss someone this much.
JJ: Now let's get down to it. No more evasion. No more "Oooh, I'm really fit and mysterious". Now Freddie - he's in love with you, aren't you Freddie? Aren't you Freddie? [Freddie nods] Cook - he loves you, yes? [Cook looks down] And just for the record, I love you too. And I won the race. So: three boys, one girl. It's an insoluble equation, unless you choose and we can finally get back to our lives.
Freddie: It's all your fault, you made this happen. You made it all a game first, remember that stupid fucking list?
Effy: I know.
Freddie: You know? What sort of fucking answer's that?
Effy: The only one I've got.
Freddie: [to Effy, Cook and JJ] So... what do we do now? (The closing line of series 3)

[edit] Series 4

[edit] Emily [4.2]

Sophia: [voiceover, as Emily reads her comic] I can't stop crying. I've tried to stop thinking, but it doesn't work. You don't expect stuff to happen; you can't control it, you can't control anything. So I'm at this stupid open day and everyone's snotty and rude and then I see someone. [Sophia meets Naomi: "I recognise someone. I tap her shoulder; she turns and smiles"] I never even spoke to her at Roundview, but it didn't seem to matter because everything got really fun. [Naomi and Sophia on the train: "I had to tell a lie to come here."; "So did I."] And by the time we were on our way home, we were telling secrets, and I wanted to move my hand, I wanted to move it so much. [Sophia holds Naomi's hand] And then she moved hers. I wish I told Naomi how easy it is for me to love someone. We're all lonely and all we want is for someone to... [Naomi and Sophia at Naomi's house: "I feel trapped."; "I know what you mean."] you know, pay attention and tell us we're beautiful... and cute... and say that we want to... [Sophia cries over an animated panel of her and Naomi kissing; Emily finishes reading and cries].
Naomi: [crying] I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!
[Sophia's brother takes the comic from Emily and drops it from a high-rise building, and walks past Naomi angrily.]
Emily: You've ruined it. You don't want anyone to care. [Stands up and looks at the road below] I could be dead in a second. Everything's... so... fragile. Didn't you realise that? We were special. [Emily steps down from the ledge and walks past Naomi]
Naomi: I was scared!
Emily: You're always scared.

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