South Park/Season 12
This is the section of the page South Park
Tonsil Trouble [12.01]
- Doctor: Well, there's no doubt about it. Those tonsils need to come out.
- Cartman: What?
- Mrs. Cartman: Wake up. Wake up, honey.
- Cartman: It's over?
- Mrs. Cartman: That's right, you did it.
- Cartman: It's over. I didn't feel anything. You were right, Mom.
- Mrs. Cartman: I'm so proud of you, Eric.
- Cartman: All right, so where's my ice cream?
- Mrs. Cartman: Oh. Here's the doctor now. Hi, doctor.
- Cartman: You were right, doctor. Everything is okay.
- Doctor: No, it's not. Eric, I'm afraid we accidentally infected you with the AIDS virus.
- Mrs. Cartman: [shocked] What?!
- Cartman: What's that supposed to mean?!
- Doctor: I think I owe you some ice cream. [a nurse serves Cartman two ice cream sundaes; Cartman shoves them away angrily]
- Cartman: Fuck your ice cream! You said I'd be fine! You all said I'd be fine!
- Mrs. Cartman: [wailing] Oh, my baby!
- Cartman: No! Noooo!
- Stan: Did Elton John sing a song for you?
- Cartman: No, as a matter of fact, Jimmy Buffett came instead. (Kyle starts laughing) OH YEAH, IT'S REAL FUCKING FUNNY, KYLE!
- Kyle: (manages to stop laughing I'm sorry. I'm-i'm really...Cartman, I-I feel really bad for you. Honestly.
- Cartman: No you don't!
- Kyle: I do. (smiles and keeps from laughing)
- Cartman: If you REALLY felt bad, you'd wipe that fucking smirk off your face! (Kyle tries to keep from laughing) WELL ANY GODDAMN SECOND, KYLE!!!
- Kyle: I'm sorry, I gotta go home. (walks away while still laughing)
- Kyle: Thank you for seeing us, Mr. Johnson. We were hoping that maybe you have some kind of key that can help us with our disease.
- Magic: You boys both have the virus? Are you sure?
- Cartman: We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive.
- Kyle: Will you stop it with that?! What part of this is funny to you?!
- Cartman: Kyle, we need to find a--
- Kyle: What part of being infected with a deadly disease do you find funny?!
- Cartman: I don't think it's funny, Kyle.
- Kyle: Then stop saying you're not just sure, you're HIV-positive! This isn't funny, AIDS isn't funny, dying isn't funny; so shut the fuck up!
- Cartman: Well, excuse me, Kyle, for trying to keep some optimism, you know? I mean, sometimes when things seem their darkest you just need to try and stay HIV-positive, but if you wanna be so HIV-negative all the time, I--
- Kyle: Knock it off! Right now! This isn't funny! At all!
- Cartman: [pause] Are you sure?
- Kyle: Yes!
- Cartman: [longer pause] Are you HIV-positive? [Kyle hits him] Ow! Fuck, Kyle!
w:Britney's New Look [12.02]
- Kyle: Excuse us. We're trying to take a picture of Britney Spears.
- Man: Join the club.
- Man #2: Yeah. All you amateur photographers are making this tougher on the professionals.
- Cartman: We're professionals, too, you fucking butthole. [Kyle, Cartman, Stan, and Butters walk to the stairs]
- Police Officer: Uh-uh. No one goes upstairs.
- Kyle: We, uh, we have special permission.
- Stan: Don't you recognize us? We're Britney Spears' kids.
- Police Officer: You are?
- Butters: [in squirrel costume] Not me; I'm a squirrel.
w:Eek, A Penis! [12.05]
- Kyle: [talking about middle-grade school students] You know what they're goin to do to a middle-class white boy like you? They're going to fucking murder you! [Kyle, Stan and Kenny walk away]
- Cartman: Maybe he's right. I'd better be careful, however. [later, Cartman is in the bathroom cutting his hair, then we cut to some scenes of a high school]
- Mrs. Miller: Students, quiet. Quiet, please. [someone throws a spitball at her] Give me your attention.
- High School Student: I'll give you my attention, all night long, Mrs. Miller. [everyone laughs, except Mrs. Miller]
- High School Student #2: [after Cartman introduces himself to the class as their new teacher] What the hell is this?!
- Cartman: [passing out papers to the high school students] And pass it to the amigo behind you.
- High School Student #3: Hey, man, what the hell do you think you're doing?
- High School Student #4: Yeah.
- Cartman: Mr. Cartmanez is here to make sure you all get into college.
- Cartman: [repeated in a Latino accent) How do I reach these kids?
- Mr. Garrison: The key difference between men and women is that women can have babies. If you can't have babies, then you're a man.
- Thompson: Woah, wait, hang on a second. My wife had ovarian cancer, so she can't have babies.
- Mr. Garrison: Well then get an AIDS test Thompson, 'cus your wife's a dude. Faggot!
w:The China Probrem [12.08]
- Cartman: Shoot him, Butters.
- Butters: No!
- Cartman: You have to shoot him, Butters. He's gonna get all the Chinese, and then kill your parents, do it, do it!
- Butters: Ahh! [shoots a customer in the groin]
- Customer: Ahh! Ow! Owwww!
- Cartman: Aww...dude. You shot him in the dick.
- Butters: Huh?
- Cartman: That's not cool Butters. You don't shoot a guy in the dick.
- Butters: But I was just tryin to stop him and you said--
- Cartman: It doesn't matter, Butters! You never shoot a guy in the dick! Everyone knows that! Shooting a guy in the dick!? That's just...that's just weak...I can't believe you, Butters.
- Cartman: Don't come any closer, we had information that we only trust with the President of the United States.
- Police Officer #1: The President?
- Police Officer #2: Alright men, we're going in.
- Cartman: No. Goddamnit we're serious, we only talk to the President, stop. Fire a warning shot, Butters.
- [Butters shoots the police officer to the groin]
- Police Officer #3: Ah! Aggh! Owww!
- Cartman: Dude, what the fuck are you doing?
- Butters: What, what happened?
- Cartman: Goddamnit, Butters. What did I say shooting guys in the dick?
- Butters: You said that there was too much competition among existing steak sauces.
- Cartman: What the hell is wrong with you? That is not cool Butters, that is not cool. [pauses for a moment] You don't fucking do that! You don't shot a guy in the dick.
- Butters: Well okay, I'm sorry!
- Cartman: It's not okay, defeating the Chinese won't mean anything, if we do it by going around shooting people in the dick! Goddamnit!
w:Breast Cancer Show Ever [12.09]
- Cartman: [after seeing Wendy taping a "Breast Cancer Awarness" poster] Look out, everyone, there's some killer tittes on the loose. Could've sworn I heard them coming through the roof. Pssh, officer. We need to get an ABP out on those tittes. They're oh too dangerous.
- Wendy: What is your problem?! Breast cancer isn't funny!
- Cartman: Not at all. [does hand puppets] Wendy, we're going to get you, Wendy. For we're boobs; we're going to kill you.
- Wendy: You better shut up, or I'll make you shut up!
- Cartman: Oh, really? What are you going to do about it, Wendy?
- Wendy: I'm going to kick your ass; that's what I'm going to do!
- Cartman: Haha! You're going to kick my ass?
- Wendy: That's right! I'm going to kick your ass!
- Cartman: [poses] You wanna throw down, dawg? I'll go down.
- Wendy: You think you're tough?!
- Cartman: What's up? What's up?
- Wendy: I'll smack the shit out of you!
- Cartman: Standin' right here. Let's go, bitch.
- Wendy: After school; we fight after school. You got that?!
- Cartman: You're goin' to fight me after school?
- Wendy: That's right!
- Cartman: You're a chick, dude!
- Wendy: As soon as that bell rings, we do it outside! And you better be there!
- Cartman: Oh, it's on, bitch.
- Wendy: You're gonna fucking die!
- Wendy's Mom: Wendy, have you been bullying kids at school?
- Wendy: What? No!
- Wendy's Mom: Well, do you want to explain why this little boy's mother had to come talk to us?
[We see Eric Cartman sitting with his mother on the couch; Cartman is crying.]
- Wendy's Dad: Did you tell this little boy you we're going to beat him up?
- Wendy: You don't understand. He said horrible things.
- Cartman: [crying and sniffling] The thing is I totally said I was sorry. But she still wants to beat me up. [starts to sob, while his mother soothes him]
- Wendy's Mom: Wendy, no matter what a person says, you don't respond with violence. Haven't we tought you that?
- Cartman: [still sniffling] The thing is, Wendy, I really think you're awesome, and I know I'm just a nerdy little weakling to you, but, I want to be your friend, because I don't have that many friends in schooool. [starts sobbing even harder]
- Cartman: My report today is on breast cancer awareness. I do not believe enough is being done, and like the victims of breast cancer, there's something I'd like to get off my chest. [suppressed laugh] We all must fight, and hopefully one day, titty cancer will be a distant mammary. [suppressed laugh] [...] What did the breast cancer say to the Polish monkey?
w:The Ungroundable [12.14]
Butters: Oh, creatures of the night I seek audience to engage with thee in unholy darkness and thus do... and thus do unto your bidding!
Butters: Oh... er... I wanna be a vampire.
Michael: So lame. So lame.
Henrietta: You guys, I do not wanna be grouped in with douchey, little vampire kids.
(When the Goth kids change into normal clothes.)
Pete: Well... at least no one can refer to us as vampire kids now.
[A football rolls in front of them.]
Football kid: It went this way.
Football kid 2: Yeah, it's over there by that fat girl, the big nosed kid, the midget and the kid with pock marks on his face.
[The first kid goes over to the collect the ball, then leaves.]
Michael: So we're back to that, are we?
Pete: Let's get outta these freakin' Gap clothes.
(When the Goth kids kidnap Mike and are trying to decide what to do with him.)
Michael: How about we send him to Transylvania?
Pete: Nah, he'd probably see it as something to brag about someday to his little vampire buddies.
Henrietta: If we're gonna send him somewhere it should be the most horrible, most miserable place on Earth.
(While burning down the Hot Topic.)
Owner: Hey, what the hell are you doing?
Pete: You should probably get outta here.