South Park/Season 12

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Tonsil Trouble [12.01] [edit]

Doctor: Well, there's no doubt about it. Those tonsils need to come out.
Cartman: What?
Mrs. Cartman: Wake up. Wake up, honey.
Cartman: It's over?
Mrs. Cartman: That's right, you did it.
Cartman: It's over. I didn't feel anything. You were right, Mom.
Mrs. Cartman: I'm so proud of you, Eric.
Cartman: All right, so where's my ice cream?
Mrs. Cartman: Oh. Here's the doctor now. Hi, doctor.
Cartman: You were right, doctor. Everything is okay.
Doctor: No, it's not. Eric, I'm afraid we accidentally infected you with the AIDS virus.
Mrs. Cartman: [shocked] What?!
Cartman: What's that supposed to mean?!
Doctor: I think I owe you some ice cream. [a nurse serves Cartman two ice cream sundaes; Cartman shoves them away angrily]
Cartman: Fuck your ice cream! You said I'd be fine! You all said I'd be fine!
Mrs. Cartman: [wailing] Oh, my baby!
Cartman: No! Noooo!
Stan: Did Elton John sing a song for you?
Cartman: No, as a matter of fact, Jimmy Buffett came instead. (Kyle starts laughing) OH YEAH, IT'S REAL FUCKING FUNNY, KYLE!
Kyle: (manages to stop laughing I'm sorry. I'm-i'm really...Cartman, I-I feel really bad for you. Honestly.
Cartman: No you don't!
Kyle: I do. (smiles and keeps from laughing)
Cartman: If you REALLY felt bad, you'd wipe that fucking smirk off your face! (Kyle tries to keep from laughing) WELL ANY GODDAMN SECOND, KYLE!!!
Kyle: I'm sorry, I gotta go home. (walks away while still laughing)
Kyle: Thank you for seeing us, Mr. Johnson. We were hoping that maybe you have some kind of key that can help us with our disease.
Magic: You boys both have the virus? Are you sure?
Cartman: We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive.
Kyle: Will you stop it with that?! What part of this is funny to you?!
Cartman: Kyle, we need to find a--
Kyle: What part of being infected with a deadly disease do you find funny?!
Cartman: I don't think it's funny, Kyle.
Kyle: Then stop saying you're not just sure, you're HIV-positive! This isn't funny, AIDS isn't funny, dying isn't funny; so shut the fuck up!
Cartman: Well, excuse me, Kyle, for trying to keep some optimism, you know? I mean, sometimes when things seem their darkest you just need to try and stay HIV-positive, but if you wanna be so HIV-negative all the time, I--
Kyle: Knock it off! Right now! This isn't funny! At all!
Cartman: [pause] Are you sure?
Kyle: Yes!
Cartman: [longer pause] Are you HIV-positive? [Kyle hits him] Ow! Fuck, Kyle!

w:Britney's New Look [12.02] [edit]

Kyle: Excuse us. We're trying to take a picture of Britney Spears.
Man: Join the club.
Man #2: Yeah. All you amateur photographers are making this tougher on the professionals.
Cartman: We're professionals, too, you fucking butthole. [Kyle, Cartman, Stan, and Butters walk to the stairs]
Police Officer: Uh-uh. No one goes upstairs.
Kyle: We, uh, we have special permission.
Stan: Don't you reconize us? We're Britney Spears' kids.
Police Officer: You are?
Butters: [in squirrel costume] Not me; I'm a squirrel.

w:Eek, A Penis! [12.05] [edit]

Kyle: [talking about middle-grade school students] You know what they're goin to do to a middle-class white boy like you? They're going to fucking murder you! [Kyle, Stan and Kenny walk away]
Cartman: Maybe he's right. I'd better be careful, however. [later, Cartman is in the bathroom cutting his hair, then we cut to some scenes of a high school]
Mrs. Miller: Students, quiet. Quiet, please. [someone throws a spitball at her] Give me your attention.
High School Student: I'll give you my attention, all night long, Mrs. Miller. [everyone laughs, except Mrs. Miller]
High School Student #2: [after Cartman introduces himself to the class as their new teacher] What the hell is this?!
Cartman: [passing out papers to the high school students] And pass it to the amigo behind you.
High School Student #3: Hey, man, what the hell do you think you're doing?
High School Student #4: Yeah.
Cartman: Mr. Cartmanez is here to make sure you all get into college.
Cartman: [repeated in a Latino accent) How do I reach these kids?
Mr. Garrison: The key difference between men and women is that women can have babies. If you can't have babies, then you're a man.
Thompson: Woah, wait, hang on a second. My wife had ovarian cancer, so she can't have babies.
Mr. Garrison: Well then get an AIDS test Thompson, 'cus your wife's a dude. Faggot!

w:The China Probrem [12.08] [edit]

Cartman: Shoot him, Butters.
Butters: No!
Cartman: You have to shoot him, Butters. He's gonna get all the Chinese, and then kill your parents, do it, do it!
Butters: Ahh! [shoots a customer in the groin]
Customer: Ahh! Ow! Owwww!
Cartman: Aww...dude. You shot him in the dick.
Butters: Huh?
Cartman: That's not cool Butters. You don't shoot a guy in the dick.
Butters: But I was just tryin to stop him and you said--
Cartman: It doesn't matter, Butters! You never shoot a guy in the dick! Everyone knows that! Shooting a guy in the dick!? That's just...that's just weak...I can't believe you, Butters.
Cartman: Don't come any closer, we had information that we only trust with the President of the United States.
Police Officer #1: The President?
Police Officer #2: Alright men, we're going in.
Cartman: No. Goddamnit we're serious, we only talk to the President, stop. Fire a warning shot, Butters.
[Butters shoots the police officer to the groin]
Police Officer #3: Ah! Aggh! Owww!
Cartman: Dude, what the fuck are you doing?
Butters: What, what happened?
Cartman: Goddamnit, Butters. What did I say shooting guys in the dick?
Butters: You said that there was too much competition among existing steak sauces.
Cartman: What the hell is wrong with you? That is not cool Butters, that is not cool. [pauses for a moment] You don't fucking do that! You don't shot a guy in the dick.
Butters: Well okay, I'm sorry!
Cartman: It's not okay, defeating the Chinese won't mean anything, if we do it by going around shooting people in the dick! Goddamnit!

w:Breast Cancer Show Ever [12.09] [edit]

Cartman: [after seeing Wendy taping a "Breast Cancer Awarness" poster] Look out, everyone, there's some killer tittes on the loose. Could've sworn I heard them coming through the roof. Pssh, officer. We need to get an ABP out on those tittes. They're oh too dangerous.
Wendy: What is your problem?! Breast cancer isn't funny!
Cartman: Not at all. [does hand puppets] Wendy, we're going to get you, Wendy. For we're boobs; we're going to kill you.
Wendy: You better shut up, or I'll make you shut up!
Cartman: Oh, really? What are you going to do about it, Wendy?
Wendy: I'm going to kick your ass; that's what I'm going to do!
Cartman: Haha! You're going to kick my ass?
Wendy: That's right! I'm going to kick your ass!
Cartman: [poses] You wanna throw down, dawg? I'll go down.
Wendy: You think you're tough?!
Cartman: What's up? What's up?
Wendy: I'll smack the shit out of you!
Cartman: Standin' right here. Let's go, bitch.
Wendy: After school; we fight after school. You got that?!
Cartman: You're goin' to fight me after school?
Wendy: That's right!
Cartman: You're a chick, dude!
Wendy: As soon as that bell rings, we do it outside! And you better be there!
Cartman: Oh, it's on, bitch.
Wendy: You're gonna fucking die!
Wendy's Mom: Wendy, have you been bullying kids at school?
Wendy: What? No!
Wendy's Mom: Well, do you want to explain why this little boy's mother had to come talk to us?

[We see Eric Cartman sitting with his mother on the couch; Cartman is crying.]

Wendy's Dad: Did you tell this little boy you we're going to beat him up?
Wendy: You don't understand. He said horrible things.
Cartman: [crying and sniffling] The thing is I totally said I was sorry. But she still wants to beat me up. [starts to sob, while his mother soothes him]
Wendy's Mom: Wendy, no matter what a person says, you don't respond with violence. Haven't we tought you that?
Cartman: [still sniffling] The thing is, Wendy, I really think you're awesome, and I know I'm just a nerdy little weakling to you, but, I want to be your friend, because I don't have that many friends in schooool. [starts sobbing even harder]
Cartman: My report today is on breast cancer awareness. I do not believe enough is being done, and like the victims of breast cancer, there's something I'd like to get off my chest. [suppressed laugh] We all must fight, and hopefully one day, titty cancer will be a distant mammary. [suppressed laugh] [...] What did the breast cancer say to the Polish monkey?
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