South Park/Season 13

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The Ring [13.1][edit]

Jimmy Vulmer: Kenny deserves to know, fellas. If you guys found out my girlfriend was a raging whore, I'd want you to tell me.

Cartman: Kenny, you're gonna let a girl put her mouth on your wiener? Do you know how disgusting that is? Girls' mouths are full of germs!

Cartman: Just because you have condoms doesn't mean you're safe, Kenny! Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an American woman! And you're gonna let that near your penis?!
Kenny: Yep! Woohoo!

Butters: A ring that says you’d be together but not have sex. Isn't that called a wedding ring?

Jonas Brothers Song: I'm ready to get it on/But there's no getting on 'til I'm ready/It's too soon, slow down/Take it easy girl, I need your love, baby/I can't wait 'til the day I kiss you/Until then I have to diss you/'Cuz my mom doesn't like it when I'm naughty/She'll make me clean my room if I'm naughty/Baby/I'm hot.

Jonas Brothers Song: Tell me how I was to know/You would take your love and go?/Was it 'cuz I wanted to wait 'til we were married to put my arm around you?/The seasons change, baby, and the world goes round and round and round.

Jonas Brothers Song: Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna take my time, can't wait 'til you are mine, but it might be a while/Yeah, yeah, girl we can take it slow, so we have room to grow/And in time, we can do it all/Until then, go back to Montreal/'Cuz I still love you, baby/Love you, baby/Bay-bay.

Cartman: Well, well, well, here he comes, it's B.J. McKay and his best friend Bear.

Jonas Brothers Song: I've got a ring on my finger to remind me what I cannot do/Can't just do whatever I feel like, I've got to stay righteous and true/I can't hang out with my buddies and get into trouble/'Cuz now we're both wearing these rings for each other/But who needs sex and drugs and partying when we can cook a meal and sit around and watch Netflix?/Baby/I've got a ring on my finger to remind me that I must behave/No need to chase after girls, that's a promise I can never break/I've made a commitment and it is forever/So we can spend every waking minute together/And if we get bored it won't be a problem/'Cuz we can just hang out with other couples who have these rings/Bay-bay.

Joe Jonas: Look, we just want our concerts to be about our music and not about purity rings.
Mickey Mouse: Oh gosh, fellas, let me explain this to ya one more time. You have to wear the purity rings, 'cause that's how we can sell sex to little girls, ha-ha. See, if we make the posters with little girls reaching for your junk, then you have to wear purity rings or else Disney Company looks bad, ha-ha.
Joe Jonas: But we don't wanna be selling sex to little girls any more!
Mickey Mouse: The rings stay on!
Joe Jonas: Well, then...maybe we'll just refuse to go on stage!
Mickey Mouse: [kicking Joe Jonas causing his nose to start bleeding] You don't fucking talk to me like that, ha-ha, you little piece of shit! [Joe coughs] Get the fuck up! Get the fuck up! Ha-ha. Now, do we have a problem?
Kevin Jonas: No, sir.
Nick Jonas: No, Mr. Mouse.
Joe Jonas: [Whimpering] No, Mr. Mouse.
Mickey Mouse: Oh, that's good, 'cause I thought we had a problem, ha-ha! Alright, now get out there and make me some goddamn money, ha-ha.
[Mickey slams the door and leaves]

[The Jonas Brothers just finished spraying fire extinguishers into the concert audience]
TV Host: That's great, boys. You like taking the Jonas Brothers' hot foam in your faces, girls?

Mickey Mouse: Where would you be without me, Jonas Brothers? Ha-ha. Your music sucks and you know it, ha-ha. It's because you make little girl's gineys tickle, and when little girl's gineys tickle, I make money, ha-ha. And that's because little girls are fucking stupid, ha-ha. And the purity rings make it okay to do whatever I want, ha-ha. Even the Christians are too fucking stupid to figure out I'm selling sex to their daughters. I've made billions off of Christian ignorance for decades now, ha-ha, and do you know why? Because Christians are retarded, ha-ha. They believe in a talking dead guy! Ha-ha! [realizes the curtain is up] Oh. Ha-ha. Hello, folks.

News Reporter: Tom, the Disney Jonas Brothers' 3D television special has failed, costing the Disney company millions, and once again Mickey is pissed off and is throwing a fit.
Mickey Mouse: [flying like a Macy's Thanksgiving Parade ballon] Vengeance is mine! You are all ants and I am your destroyer! Ha-ha! [blows fire, killing every person in his path]
Reporter: The Disney purity ring venture will most likely now prove a marketing bust, as Mickey returns to Valhalla to slumber and feed.

Tammy: Let's take off these rings, Ken! Let's take them off and just be kids again! There will be plenty of time to wear rings and be boring and lame when we reach our mid-30s and will be boring and lame anyway!

[after Tammy performs fellatio on Kenny, he contracts syphilis and dies]
Cartman: I told him. The woman's mouth is the most germ-ridden place on earth, I said. Statistically the most unsafe place for a man to put his penis, I said.
Kyle: Well, now we know.
Cartman: And knowing is half the battle.

The Coon [13.2][edit]

Repeated Line: Who is Mysterion?

Cartman: Who is the Coon?


Mysterion: My identity's gotta remain a secret. You're not gonna know.

The Coon: Yeah, well. You can't know my identity either!

Mysterion: I assume you must be Cartman. Because you're fat!

(Pause)

The Coon: Well, you're wrong! I'm not Cartman and he's not fat!


Local man: Look! Mysterion and Professor Chaos are fighting!

Local man 2: Give him Heck, Mysterion!

Local Woman: Look out, Mysterion, General Disarray is behind you!

Margaritaville [13.3][edit]

Stan: Mom, Dad, how come there's suddenly no money?
Randy: I'll tell you what happened, son! See, there's a bunch of idiots out there who weren't happy with what they had! They wanted a bigger house and materialistic things that they didn't even need. [grabs his margarita glass and rises from the table] People with no money who got loans to buy frivolous things they had no business buying. [walks over to a Margaritaville margarita blender and loads it with ice. A margarita mix is already in place in the blender] And these assholes just blindly started buying any stupid thing that looked appealing, [puts the ice scooper back into the ice bucket] 'cause they thought money was endless! [starts up the blender, which drowns out whatever he says for the next nine seconds] It goes back to when the government had the idea that everyone in America deserves to own a house, and they couldn't pay their mortgage because they couldn't afford them. So we have people having a hard time paying off their loans, meaning less money coming in. [serves himself a margarita and places the blender back on its base] And the idiots couldn't see that by doing all this frivolous spending they were mocking the Economy. And they made the Economy very angry. [goes back to his seat with his margarita] We're all feeling the Economy's vengeance because of materialistic heathens who did stupid things with their money! Do you understand, son? [sips from his margarita glass]
Stan: Yeah, I think I get it.

CEO: Mmmm, no I can't do that yeah no.

Accountant: Okay, we put your money in the bank AND IT'S GONE!
Stan: What?!
Accountant: Sir, please, you're holding up the line.

Randy: We must stop pointing fingers! Finger pointing gets us nowhere-- [points to man] Steve!

Randy: The economy is our shepherd, we shall not want.

Eat, Pray, Queef [13.4][edit]

Randy: It stopped being funny when air came out her vagina, Sharon!

Katie: I'm so excited and queefy!

Wendy: [hopefully] Hey, Stan. You wanna maybe study together after school?
Stan: What? No way, dude! Today's the day!

Announcer: And now, the exciting conclusion of Terrance and Philip: Blood Rage... (a "Special Presentation" graphic appears onscreen)...will not be seen tonight so that we bring you this Queef Sisters special! (The "April Fools" graphic seen at the beginning of Not Without My Anus appears again, with the accompanying kazoo honk.) The Canada Channel presents... The Queef Sisters, Katie and Katherine Queef! Two Toronto girls who love shooting air out of their vaginas! (Cut to several stills of the titular sisters doing just that...)
(Cut to a gynecologist's office. The Queef Sisters are both in stirrups as the doctor comes in.)
Doctor: All right, Queef Sisters! It's time for your yearly Pap smear and vag exam!
Katie (pleasantly: All right, Doctor!
Katherine (equally pleasant): I'm ready, Doctor! (The doctor walks over to Katherine.)
Doctor: Now I'm just going to check for cysts... (he puts his head down between Katherine's legs, and not even two seconds later, she queefs, blowing his hair back. Repulsed) Ugh! (The sisters laugh, not unlike Terrance and Philip would.)
(Cut back to the kids watching this spectacle in disgust.)
Cartman (disgustedly): What the fuck is this?!
(Cut back to the gyno's office.)
Doctor (sternly): Now, listen here! If you queef in my face, then I refuse to be your gynecologist!
Katherine (apologetically): I'm sorry, Doctor, I had air trapped in my vagina.
Doctor: Well, just don't let it happen again! Now, I'm just going to check for cysts. (Again, he assumes the position. Again, Katherine queefs. Again, they both laugh hysterically. Now he's really mad...) Now, stop it! That isn't funny! Babies come from there! (Once again, he assumes the position. Need we elaborate on what happens next? He slams down his notepad in disgust.) That does it! No Pap smear for you! (points at Katherine)
Katherine: But, Doctor, what if I have cancer?
Doctor (unmoved): You should have thought about that before you queefed in my face three times!
(Cut back to the kids. They're even more confused and disgusted than before, but it's leaning more towards disgust.)
Butters (confused): They aren't gonna show Part Two of The Terrance and Philip Show?
(Back to the gyno's office.)
Katie: Doctor, my sister's just being difficult. Maybe you could examine my cervix instead!
Doctor: Well, all right...Now I'm just going to check for cysts... (You know the rest. Thoroughly repulsed, he throws down his notepad again.) That does it, Queef Sisters! I'm not your vaginal doctor anymore! (He storms out of the exam room, slamming the door behind him.)
Katherine (innocently): Oh, Katie, I do believe we made the doctor angry.
Katie (innocently): I guess so, Katherine...
(Cut to the kids.)
Cartman: Dude! What the hell is this disgusting crap?
(Cut to a two shot of Terrance and Philip in the office of Brian, the President of the Canada Channel. They've also been watching the Queef Sisters special, and they would like to know the same thing Cartman wants to know...)
Philip: What the hell is this disgusting crap?!
Terrance (equally disgusted): Queef Sisters?!
Brian: That's right. It's a hot new Canadian show we're trying out.
Terrance (incredulous): You replaced our show with this? But they aren't funny! All they do is queef all the time!
Philip: That's sick!
Brian: You think farts are funny, why not queefs?
Terrance (annoyed because it's so obvious): Because babies come from there!
Brian: Hey, look, guys! Women are starting to be the driving force behind the television audience--you know, women empowerment and the get-go! So we want to appeal to the female sensibility. Sorry, guys, but if you ask me, your farts have gone stale!

(The Marsh family is at the dinner table, quietly eating. Suddenly, there is a very quiet noise, almost like a fart, except...different somehow. Stan and Randy look up.)
Randy (wary): What was that?
Sharon: Oh...excuse me...(barely stifling a giggle) I had some air trapped. (Shelly knows exactly what her mother means, and she can't suppress her own giggle. Randy, however, is somewhat less than appreciative of how funny that was.)
Randy (disgusted): Oh, my God, did you just...at the table?
Stan (equally grossed out): Gross, Mom! (Seeing Randy and Stan's disgust only sets Sharon and Shelly to giggling again.)
Randy (stern and paternal): Okay, that's enough, girls, all right?! I mean, how old are you, Sharon?
Sharon (trying to sound relatively contrite): Sorry. It's just...it's just pretty funny how much it bothers you. (Apparently the humor is lost on the masculine portion of the Marsh family.)
Randy (sarcastic): Oh, yeah, yeah, that's really funny!
Stan: Stop it, Mom!
Randy: Yea, okay? Let"s just try to have a nice dinner, okay?
Sharon: Okay, I'm sorry. (They go back to eating again in silence. A couple seconds later, another queef can be heard. This time, both Sharon and Shelly crack up.)
Randy (like you'd talk to a child): Sharon Marsh!!!

(Cut to the Queef Sisters' bedroom. Philip is dodging various missiles being thrown at him by Katherine.)
Philip: You stupid bitch, what the fuck is wrong with you? (He ducks to avoid a vase as it smashes against the wall.)
Katherine: I'm not your sex toy, you fucking pig! (She chucks another vase at Philip, who dodges that one as well.)
Philip: You don't queef in bed while we're having sex!
Katherine: Fuck you, you don't fucking slap me! (The lights come on to reveal Terrance and Katie in the other bed.)
Terrance: Can you please keep it down? We're trying to have sex over here!
Philip: She queefed while we were having sex, Terrance!
Terrance (thoroughly repulsed): Sick!!
Katie (gamely): Well, what's the big deal?. I've been queefing in this bed the entire time! (Terrance does a double-take.)
Terrance: WHAT?!!! GROSS!!! (He slaps Katie.)
Katie: How dare you!!! (She punches Terrance right in the face. Both women start pushing them to the door.)
Katherine (screeching hysterically): GET OUT! GET OUT, BOTH OF YOU!!! WE NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!! (They shove Terrance and Philip through the threshold and onto the porch.)'
Terrance (dumbfounded): After all we've been through? (He gets his answer from the door suddenly slammed in their face. The two sisters hug each other, crying and queefing in equal measure.)
(Cut to the porch. Terrance and Philip are smoking cigarettes and bemoaning their position.)
Terrance (sighing): What the hell am I going to do, Philip? She makes me so mad sometimes!
Philip: Katherine just won't stop queefing...but I don't know if could live without her...
(Cut back to the bedroom. The Queef Sisters are still crying and queefing, when Terrance and Philip come back in.)
Philip (contrite): Katie, I'm sorry. I was wrong.
Terrance (equally contrite): Me too, Katherine. I don't love your queefs, but dammit, I love you.
Katherine (runs to hug Terrance): Oh, Terrance...
Katie (doing the same with Philip): Philip! (Both couples get back in their respective beds and start getting their Canadian freak on, and soon the room is a cacophony of farts and queefs.)

(Cut to the school, the day after the Queef Sisters special. The kids are gathered around Cartman as he shouts into a cellphone at an unseen representative of the Canada Channel.)
Cartman: No, no, as a matter of fact, I will not hold! I've been on hold for 35 minutes! (beat) Well, we want some goddamn answers, that what we want! Like why did you show that smut instead of the Terrance and Philip conclusion, you asshole?! (At that moment, Wendy, Bebe and a couple other girls walk over. Wendy goes over to Stan.)
Wendy: What's going on?
Stan: We're complaining to the Canada Network because they put something really gross on TV.
Cartman: You wanna tell me what's funny about two women shooting air out of their vagina into a man's face? (Beat, then Cartman gets really pissed.) No, no, see, some of us were eating when you showed that!
Clyde (chiming in): I threw up on the way home.
Cartman: Clyde threw up on the way home! What makes you think you can put that kind of filth on television?!
Stan: You tell 'em, Cartman!
Red: What happened?
Butters: They didn't show Part 2 of Terrance and Phillip! They replaced it with the Queef Sisters!
Kyle: It was just thirty minutes of two women queefing on people!
Bebe: Oh what? So farts are hysterical but queefs are gross?
Cartman: You know that little kids could have been watching that?! What kind of network are you running there in Canada?! ...Don't call me buddy; i'm not your buddy!

Fishsticks [13.5][edit]

Jimmy: Say, Eric, do you like fishsticks?
Cartman: Yeah?
Jimmy: Do you like putting fish dicks in your mouth?
Cartman: Yeah?
Jimmy: Well, what are you, Eric? A gay fish?
Cartman: [thinks for a second] Fish...dicks. Aww, dude, that is funny as shit!

Kanye West: Because I am a genius I have ascertained that fish have gills. Doctor do I have gills?
Doctor: He does not have gills
Kanye West: You hear that? No gills! So I can't be a fish! And I'm a genius voice of a generation so I'm not gay! So that is that. Alright! It's over! Now are there any questions!?
Reporter: Do You like Fishsticks?
Kanye West: Love um.
Reporter: You're a gay fish.
Kanye West: No I'm naahhhh!!!

Kanye West: I'm a motherfuckin' lyrical wordsmith motherfuckin' genius!

Carlos Mencia: [tied up at Kanye West's mansion] Okay, look, it wasn't me! I didn't really start the fishstick thing, all right?
Kanye West: You're just sayin' that now 'cause you're scared.
Carlos Mencia: No, man, it's true! I stole it, man! I took credit for it 'cause I'm not actually funny! Come on, man, do you know what it's like? Being a comedian but not being funny? Come on, Kanye, I just take jokes and repackage them with a Mexican accent, man!
Kanye West: Think you can make fun of me? I'm a genius! I'm the voice of a generation! What are you?
Carlos Mencia: Nothing! Look at me, man! I'm not funny, I steal jokes, my dick don't work, man. I got to piss in a plastic bag, man, I got no dick!

Craig: Yeah, and if I had wheels I'd be a wagon.

[Kanye comes into the room with Cartman and Jimmy and his goons begin smashing everything]
Cartman: Dude, it's Puff Daddy!

Kanye West: [speaking on David Letterman about the fishsticks joke] Yo, that is messed up, yo. I am not gay, and I sure as hell ain't no fish, all right?!
David Letterman: You...really don't get it?
Kanye West: Hey, yo man, I'm the most talanted musician in the world! If I was a homosexual or a fish, I would know!
David Letterman: You're a rapper.
Kanye West: Yes.
David Letterman: An entrepreneur.
Kanye West: Yes.
David Letterman: And you like fishsticks.
Kanye West: Yes.
David Letterman: You're a gay fish.
Kanye West: [agitated] No, I am not no gay fish!
David Letterman: Just gay?
Kanye West: I am not gay, and I'm not a fish! Man!
David Letterman: You are male.
Kanye West: Damn right, I'm male!
David Letterman: A male that likes fishsticks.
Kanye West: Yeah, I like fishsticks.
David Letterman: You like to put fishsticks in your mouth.
Kanye West: Yeah.
David Letterman: You're a gay fish. Also, I'm not gay.
Kanye West: All right, that does it! I'm gonna kick your motherfuckin' ass! [attacks Letterman]

Pinewood Derby [13.6][edit]

Randy: Oh shit, it's Baby Fart McGeezax!

Fatbeard [13.7][edit]

Kyle: [reading Ike's letter] "Dear Mommy and Daddy, I am running away. I am sorry, but I can no longer handle the monotony of middle-class life. Everyone at school is a fucking idiot, and if one more person talked to me about that Susan Boyle performance of Les Misérables, I was going to puke my balls out through my mouth. I love you all, but I have to move on. I'm going to Somalia to be--to be a pirate"? Oh, shit!

Cartman: [repeated line] Da fuck?

Somali Pirate Song written by Cartman:We drink and we pillage and we do what we please / We get all that we want for free / We’ll kick your ass / And rape your lass / Somalian pirates we / So with a yo ho ho (yo ho ho) / And with a yee hee hee (yee hee hee) / We take to the African sea / We’ll brave the squalls / And bust your balls / Somalian pirates we / We left our homes and we left our mothers / To go on a pillaging spree / We’ll cut off your ears / And break your toes / And make you drink our pee / And if you sail into our waters / You best hear this decree / We’ll take your boat / Set your ass afloat / Somalian pirates we / With a yo ho ho (yo ho ho) / And a trick a-lotty do (trick a-lotty do) / We’ll shoot you in the face with glee / Then we’ll cut off your cock / And feed it to a croc / Somalian pirates we / Somalian pirates we / Somalian pirates we!

Dead Celebrities [13.8][edit]

Ike: Make Billy Mays go away, Kyle!

Ike: [whispering] I...see...dead celebrities...

Cartman: [on Stan's assertion that he doesn't get 'underwear blood' when eating Chipotle] Well, how nice for you, Stan. You may have a Golden Rectum of the Gods, but the rest of us need Chipotl-Away!

Billy Mays: Hi, Billy Mays here for the little Country Handy Pillow. Are you tired of sitting in limbo? Lost somewhere between planes of existence? Well now there's a product that can help you--
Walter Cronkite: Will somebody shut his fucking mouth?! I can't take it anymore!
Patrick Swayze: This is bad enough without having to constantly listen to you try and sell your stupid crap, Mays!
Billy Mays: With just two easy steps, I can climb over these seats and kick you right in the fucking balls!
Walter Cronkite: As much as this sucks, it's better than living in a world where it costs $2 for a passenger vehicle to go through a toll booth in West Virginia.
Patrick Swayze: Don't forget the electronic toll collection in Ohio.

Butters' Bottom Bitch[edit]

Butters: Do you know what I am saying?
Butters: Yo, Bebe, Bebe yo.
Bebe: What?
Butters: Bitch, you wanna make some motherfucking money?
Bebe: What!?
Butters: Bitch, you should be doing kisses around the playground, you can make $50 a day! Buy all the purses and shoes that you've ever wanted. I'll treat you right, bitch.
Bebe: Shut up!
Butters: Oh, alright then.
[Butters doing schoolwork then spots Wendy]
Butters: Hey Wendy, Wendy!
[Wendy looks at Butters]
Butters: Bitch, don't you wanna start making some real fucking money?
Wendy: [annoyed] Leave me alone!
Butters: Why you were made for the playground, bitch. You should be out there workin'. Don't you want a new lunch box? Nice new coat? I can get all that for you, bitch.
Stan: [annoyed] Butters, dude!
Butters: What?
Stan: You can't call my girlfriend a bitch!
Butters: Oh. Well all I'm sayin' the bitch should be out there workin' is all. [turns to Wendy] Whatcha doing bitch? Just giving kisses to Stan for free? Why you should be making some motherfucking money!
Wendy: Stan!
Stan: Butters, seriously. If you don't stop this, I'll kick your ass!
Butters: [turns to Clyde] Clyde, heres a $100. If Stan comes near me, punch him.
Clyde: Wowwee. [grabs the money from Butters]
Cartman: [turns to Stan] Dude, we've created a monster.
Butters: Come on Wendy, you should be putting that mouth to work.
Mr. Garrison: Butters, Butters do you have a problem?
Butters: All these bitches are kissin' fellers, and they haven't figured out that they can be making some serious fucking money!
Butters: Kyle, every boy pay for kisses, do you know what i am saying? if you've got a girl and she's kissing you, sooner or later, you are paying for it. you gotta take her out to lunch, take to a movie, and then spend time listening to all her stupid problems. look, look at there, he's got to sit there and listen to her stupid motherfucking problems because she kisses him. If you ask me, that's a lot more than the $5 dollars my company charges.

W.T.F.[edit]

Skeeter: You'd better take your gay porn and walk right out of this bar.

Whale Whores [13.9][edit]

Japanese People: [repeated line] Fakku you wharuu and fakku you dorufeen!

Cartman: Stan, me and Kenny don't give two shits about stupid ass whales!

[Cartman, Kyle and Kenny are playing Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" on Rock Band]
Cartman: [to the tune of Poker Face] I wanna roll with him a hard pair we will be
I don't give a crap about whales so go and hug a tree--

Stan: Wait, we can't just lie to people.
Paul Watson: Why not?
Stan: 'Cause then we're just douchebags, dude. C'mon let's get hardcore!
Paul Watson: You know what? He's right. It's time to bring out the big guns. You guys ready? Ready and throw the stinky butter at 'em!

Stan: Admit you just want to be on TV.
Kenny: I just want to be on TV.
Cartman: [whispers] Kenny! [aloud] I deserve to be on TV.

Cartman: Your show is fucking gay dude!
Northwestern crewmember: Your show is fucking gay!

Stan: Dolphins and whales were framed by the real bombers. A chicken and a cow.
Emperor Akihito: [upon discovering "real" Hiroshima bombers] Chicken and Cow? CHICKEN AND COW?!
Yukio Hatoyama: CHICKEN AND COW USED POOR DOLPHIN AND WHALE AS A SCAPEGOAT?! THIS IS OUTRAGE!

Stan: Wait for it...wait for it.. Now! [reveals Godzilla]

Japanese People: Fakku you Cow! Fakku you Chicken!
Randy: [upon seeing the Japanese killing cows and chickens] Great job son. Now the Japanese are normal, like us.

The F Word [13.10][edit]

Cartman: Excuse me. Excuse me! HEY ASSHOLES!
Motorcycle Driver: What did you say?

Motorcycle Driver: Hey! We roll how we roll, and if people are annoyed or intimidated by it, that's too bad for them!

Cartman: The only people who need to dress up and be as loud and obnoxious as possible are you guys and 16-year-old girls. Just wanted to you let know, you're fucking fags.

Ike: [upon seeing the motorcycle gang] FAGS!

Randy: [upon seeing the motorcycle gang] FAGS!

Mayor: You four turdballs in my office NOW!

Dances with Smurfs [13.11][edit]

Gordon Stoltski: [reading morning announcements over the intercom to the school] Good morning, South Park Elementary. These are the morning announcements. Parent-teacher conferences begin next Thursday. If you have not yet done so, please turn in your parents' requested time sheets by the end of fifth period today. Lunch today will be a choice of chicken tostadas or spaghetti with a marninara sauce and side salad. Attention fourth graders: the fall registration for Glee Club starts tomorrow. Any interested students should fill out a-- [is interrupted when a door is heard being kicked in] Whoa, what's going on?! [everyone in Fourth Grade classroom looks up at the speaker in surprise]
Intruder: I'll kill you! I swear to God I'll kill you!
Gordon: Who are you?!
Intruder: I'm the man who's gonna put a bullet between your eyes!
Gordon: Hey! He's got a gun!
Intruder: You little bastard! You fucked my wife! You think I wouldn't find out?!
Gordon: Sir, please, I don't know you.
Intruder: Yeah, right!
Man: [intervening] All right, what the hell is going on around here? You, sir, need to leave this area. [the intruder kills the man with two shots, causing alarm to people in classroom]
Gordon: [hysterical] Oh God, he shot him!
Intruder: You had to push me, didn't ya?! Now, you!
Gordon: [screams in terror] Sir, I truly don't know-- [the intruder hits him; Gordon screams some more]
Intruder: There! How's it feel, huh?!
Gordon: [screaming hysterically] Please! I don't know you!
Intruder: You're Gordon Saltski, right?! Truck driver from Chicago?!
Gordon: No, I'm Gordon Stoltski, third grader who reads the morning announcements!
Intruder: Yeah, right! We'll see if that's true. Go on, read the morning announcements!
Gordon: [screaming] SOMEBODY HELP ME!
Intruder: I said do it! [hits Gordon]
Gordon: [continues screaming] Any interested students should fill out an applicant survey-- [more hitting and screaming]
Intruder: I knew you were lyin'! That was terrible! Now put your mouth over the barrel of this gun!
Gordon: No, please! I'm so scared! I'm so scared!
Intruder: Do it!
Gordon: Please! I'll do whatever you say! Here! Here I see! Here! [his voice is now muffled, indicating the gun barrel is now in his mouth; the gun goes off and Gordon is heard falling to the floor, dead]
Intruder: Look at you now. We're all dead. [commits suicide. By now, nearly everyone in the classroom is in shock]

[Stan confronts Cartman at his book signing of "What Happened to My School?", which includes offensive and explicit rumors about Wendy Testaburger, Stan's girlfriend]
Stan: What the hell do you think you're doing?!
Cartman: A book signing.
Stan: I looked through your stupid book! It's 540 pages of ripping on Wendy and calling her a slut!
Cartman: I do not directly say she's a slut!
Stan: [reading from book] "Wendy Testaburger has proven time and time again that she will do anything to pleasure her vagina. Whether it is the school football team or the janitors on their break, Wendy spends her time as president on her knees or on her back taking the old in-out for hours on end!"
Cartman: [leans over the table and points something out to him] You didn't read the rest, dude.
Stan: [reading] "Or does she?"
Cartman: "Or does she?" See, that's a question. I'm asking questions, Stan! I've called for Wendy to come on my show and defend herself, but she won't do it!
Butters: [showing up with his Melvins] Yeah, and she hates Smurfs!
First Boy: [reading from book] "Shouldn't we be worried if our school president is a girl who would rather get her tits licked than go to student council meetings?"
Stan: Hey-hey, stop reading that!
First Boy: Well, what do you mean?
Stan: Listen, just because a guy's voice is on the intercom and his words are in a book doesn't mean he has any idea what compeition among existing steak sauces is!
Second Boy: Yes, it does!
Casey Miller: Eric Cartman is simply making it so that all kids take responsibility to question their school leaders. We should all ask if our president is a penis-hungry hooker with a huge vagina. I'm Casey Miller.

[While Cartman is waiting to tryout for the morning announcements, Casey Miller appears and sits next to him]

Cartman: Who are you?
Casey Miller: My name is Casey Miller, and I'm in the third grade. Ever since I can remember, people have told me I should read the morning announcements. My friends always said to me, "Dear Casey, your voice is like butter to our ears. Could you please find a way to get that audible chocolate on the airwaves?" Well, here I am. And hopefully, I'll be the kid worth the job.

Stan: [about Cartman's ripping off on Wendy] Wendy, did you see the stuff Cartman is saying about you now?
Wendy: I really don't care, Stan.
Stan: Well, don't you think you should go on his show and defend yourself?! Everyone is starting to think you're a crappy president.
Wendy: I'm not giving Eric Fartman one minute of my time, you got that?! I'm not acknowledging his stupid questions. If you want him dealt with, you'll have to do it yourself!

Casey Miller: The sun is up and the birds are chirping. I'm Casey Miller, and these are the morning announcements. I have a letter from second grade student Brian Felner. Brian writes "Dear Casey, Why is our school president such a fat stupid dickhead? My desk is broken, and so far, Eric Cartman has done nothing about it. Will you please let that walking bowl of anus pus know that we are not happy." Well Brian, I couldn't agree more. Our asshole president is a fat smelly douchebag milkshake.
Cartman: I'm doing the best that I can!! [leaves his desk and runs out of the classroom, sobbing]

Pee [13.14][edit]

Eric Cartman's Minorities Song: What has happened to this place / I don’t recognize it anymore / It used to be so fun and special / What is life worth living for The dream is dead / Our land is gone / There’s a hole in my heart / And I can’t go on / There are too many minorities (minorities) / At my water park (my water park) / This was our land, our dream (our dream) / and they’ve taken it all away / They just keep coming and coming (minorities) / I tried to go and tell the police / But even the authorities / Are minorities (are minorities) / At my water park / There’s no place for me to sit anymore / And the lines just keep getting crazier / There are Mexicans all around me / The lazy river has never been lazier / It’s a 40 minute wait to go down one slide / And the instructions are in Spanish on the Zip Line ride (just do it in English!) / There are too many minorities (too many) / At my water park (somebody do something) / Where did they all come from / Why can’t they leave this land alone / And it’s such a tragedy (feel a bit like dying) / We looked the other way too long / We’ve got to change our priorities / And get all these minorities/ Out of my water park / (Minorities) Mexicans and Asian / Black people / I think I even saw Native Americans (gross) / God I’m asking please / Get all of these minorities / Out of my water park (my water park)