South Park/Season 14

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Sexual Healing [14.1][edit]

Recurring line: We have a turd in the punchbowl. I repeat, we have a turd in the punchbowl.
Elin Nordegren: [recurring line] You motherfucker! I never should've married you!

The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs [14.2][edit]

Cartman: You're telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate and made a guy shoot the King of Hippies?! Can we please read this, right now?!


Stan: [runs in, panicking] Guys, guys! We are totally fucked! The book is gone from my dresser drawer; my parents must have found it!
Cartman: So why are we all fucked? They'll think you wrote it all!
Stan: [angrily] Hey, I'm not taking the heat for this alone! We all wrote it; if I'm going down, someone has to go down with me!
Kyle: Well, if I'm going down, Cartman's going down!
Cartman: And if I'm going down, both Kyle and Kenny are definitely going down!
Stan: Well dude, somebody has got to go down!


[Butters is confronted by the boys in the school hallways]
Cartman: Butters, what the fuck do you think you're doing?!
Butters: Just enjoying myself. Why, Eric?
Kyle: Butters, you know goddamn well you didn't write that book!
Butters: [a little angrily] But, you told me I did.
Stan: Yeah, but that's when we thought we were going to get in trouble, asshole!
[Red and Lola appear and defend Butters]
Red: Hey, hey, you leave Butters alone! He's a very fragile artist.
Lola: [fondly] He's so brooding and full of angst.
Butters: [smugly] Yeah, I'm brooding.
Cartman: Butters doesn't deserve any credit for Scrotie McBoogerballs! We deserve all the credit.
Red: Oh, God, you guys are pathetic!
Lola: Yeah, get a life and stop mooching off Butters' success for once!
[the girls leave]
Stan: [frustrated] God damn it!
Kyle: Butters, do you really think it's fair to lie like this?! Let me tell you, if you don't have--!
Butters: [snaps] No! Let me tell you something, fellas!! You always take advantage of me. And after reading Catcher in the Rye, I've learned you're nothing but phonies! [the boys look shocked at this sudden explosion] I'm not letting you trick me this time. So the four of you can just suck on my wiener. [Leaves]
Cartman: [After a pause; in a shocked voice] What an inconsiderate jerk...

Reporter: [commenting on The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs] The book is full of disgusting words and acts, including Sarah Jessica Parker, who is mentioned 465 times. Matthew Broderick, are you upset your wife is made fun of so much in the book?
Matthew Broderick: Well, obviously. I just think it's wrong to make fun of anybody's physical appearance. My wife is a beautiful woman, and I know that most people agree with me.
Reporter: Uh-huh. And Matthew? How come a transvestite donkey witch is standing next to you, and why is it wearing a dress? [Parker simply blinks at the camera, but Broderick gets a stunned look on his face]


News Reporter: [After Butters' book influences a lunatic to murder the Kardashians] Our nation is still reeling from the tragic deaths of the Kardashians. The shooter claims he was driven to commit the slaughter immediately after reading "The Poop that took a Pee" by Leopold "Butters" Stotch. It's all over; the Kardashians wiped out in the blink of an eye, all because one little PRICK had to go and write a book! Leopold Stotch, I hope they bury you, you evil fuck!!

Medicinal Fried Chicken [14.3][edit]

[Randy is smoking weed in front of Officer Barbrady, with his enlarged testicles in a wheelbarrow]
Randy: Oh, that is nice. That is nice
Jimbo: [running up] Randy! Jesus, Randy! Your balls!
Randy: I know. Smoking pot right in front of a cop. Pretty sweet, huh?
Jimbo: No! I mean your actual balls!
Billy: Do you want to do it?
Cartman: Do i want to do it? Does the pope help pedophiles get away with their crimes?
Billy: Excellent.
Cartman: Is that something I'd want to do? Is the Pope Catholic, and making the world safe for pedophiles?
Cartman: I told your mom you got an F on that social studies test.
Billy: You wouldnt do that.
Cartman: Does a bear crap in the woods? And does the pope crap on the broken lives and dreams of 200 deaf boys?

You Have 0 Friends [14.4][edit]

[Kyle is trying to find new Facebook friends on ChatRoulette. So far, all he's found are men masturbating on web cam]
Kyle: Screw this, I don't wanna see anymore!
Cartman: Kyle, this is the way the world works! You wanna find some quality friends, you have to wade through all the dicks first!

200 [14.5][edit]

Rob Reiner: [talking about Mecha-Streisand] Power her up! Release the Kiken!

201 [14.6][edit]

Scott Tenorman: Revenge is a dish best served...chili!

Kyle: That's because there is no goo, Mr. Cruise. You see, I learned something today. Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't allowed to show, but it wasn't because of some magic goo. It was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorizing people works.
Jesus: That's right. Don't you see, gingers, if you don't want to be made fun of anymore, all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop.
Santa: That's right, friends. All you need to do is instill fear and be willing to hurt people and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence.

Crippled Summer [14.7][edit]

Poor and Stupid [14.8][edit]

[Kenny is watching Pardon the Interruption ]
Tony Kornheiser: All right, now we turn from the NFL to the world of NASCAR. People who weren't sure what to think of NASCAR are more sure today after a NASCAR driver released bigoted, ignorant statements on his podcast.
Cartman: [In a southern accent] All right whats up NASCAR fans? I don't know about y'all, but this president Obama is pissin me off, so I'm going to do some dippin and speak my mind. Today I'm going to be dippin some Vagisil regular strength anti-itch cream. [Drinks some Vagisil] So I'm pissed off what I found out. I found out this Obama wants to put a bigger tax on gasoline! What the fuck is up with that? Thats fuckin gay! [Kenny, watching, buries his head intro his arms] Its gay as hell. Y'all know my pit boss, Butters.
Butters: Obama's fuckin gay.
Cartman: He's fuckin gay as hell.
Butters: Pisses me off.
Cartman: So y'all be sure to catch us in our next race. We're about as poor and stupid as they fuckin come so come down and cheer for us at NASCAR on Saturday. Obama is gay as hell!
Tony Kornheiser: Well if you ask me, that's all the proof we need that NASCAR is for the poor and the stupid.
Kenny: Fuck you!

It's a Jersey Thing [14.09][edit]

Snooki: [Recurring line] Snooki want smush smush!

Insheeption [14.10][edit]

[Specialists are sorting out Stan's hoarding problem. Everyone is assembled at Stan's locker]
Dr. Chinstrap: Hello, everyone, my name is Dr. Chinstrap. I'm a hoarding specialist, and today, we're gonna help Stan clean out his locker. All right, let's go ahead and see inside your locker, Stan.
[Stan opens his locker, which is quite stuffed. There are gasps of shock all around, and Wendy starts crying]
Stan: What? Come on, it's not that bad.
Dr. Chinstrap: Now, as part of Stan's therapy, we need to make sure we don't throw away anything he doesn't want us to. Stan needs to feel like he is in control, or his psychosis will come out.
Stan: "My psychosis?" Look, it isn't that big of a deal, I'll just throw this stuff away.
Dr. Chinstrap: Okay, great. Now how about we start with this... [takes out a pencil box]
Stan: Well, no, that's my pencil box. I need my pencil box.
Dr. Chinstrap: Okay, okay, we'll put that right here on the floor. [places box down and takes out a broken toothbrush] Now, how about this? Broken toothbrush?
Stan: Well, it's good to have that, because sometimes I really wanna brush after lunch, and I...
Dr. Chinstrap: But it's broken.
Stan: Yeah, but it works perfectly fine, and it...
Dr. Chinstrap: Okay, okay, broken toothbrush is going right here, by the pencil box. [places it down and takes out a maggot-infested sandwich] Now, how about this? Old sandwich in a baggie, filled with maggots? [there are groans of disgust from all those present]
Stan: [faltering slightly] Well, that, I mean, yeah, I mean, I kinda need that, let's just keep that.
Dr. Chinstrap: It's full of maggots, Stan. Can we throw it away?
Stan: [faltering further] Well I might need it if I ever have to, you know, like...
Dr. Chinstrap: The maggots are crawling down my hand and biting my wrist, Stan. Can we throw this away?
Stan: [starting to lose his nerve] Well, I - I guess so but... [as the sandwich is thrown in the baggie] W-w-wait, this is all happening a little fast, can we just slow down?
[Stan's friends share a look of concern]
Dr. Chinstrap: [Taking an empty aspirin bottle] Now how about this empty aspirin bottle?
Stan: Well no, don't throw that out!
Dr. Chinstrap: [reaching into the locker] Can we throw out these watered out papers, then? [pulls them out]
Stan: [really losing his composure] No, because there could be something written on them that's important and... [gathering some papers up and trying to retrieve the bottle] No, don't take my empty bottle... G-GIVE ME BACK MY SANDWICH! [stops]
[People are looking at him in shock, and Cartman starts twirling his finger around his head and whistling at Stan to indicate he's insane]

Freddy Krueger: [Kills Woodsy Owl from behind] There's a real hoot for ya, Woodsy!

Coon 2: Hindsight [14.11][edit]

Mysterion Rises [14.12][edit]

Newsreader: The boys state that there also used to be a member named the Coon actually in the group, but they let him go because he was being quote: "a dick".

Toolshed: Mysterion, if Cartman's gone why are we still calling ourselves "Coon and Friends"?
Mysterion: Because it pisses Cartman off beyond belief and I find that [laughs] extremely funny.

[When asking about the cult of Cthulhu meetings]

Mysterion: What happened at those meetings?
Stuart McCormick: Trust us, we don't remember. I know it sounds hard to believe but we were actually really drunk the entire time.
Mysterion: I don't find that hard to believe at all.

[When Hindsight says he doesn't want his superpower anymore]

Mysterion: There are some superpowers that make yours look like nothing. Trust me, I know.
Hindsight: Wha... what is your power?
[pause]
Mysterion: I can't die. [pause] I've experienced death, countless times. Sometimes I see a bright light, sometimes I see heaven or hell. But eventually, no matter what, I wake up in my bed, wearing my same old clothes. And the worst part, no one even remembers me dying. I go to school the next day and everyone's just like "oh, hey Kenny," even if they had seen me get decapitated with their own eyes. You wanna whine about curses, Hindsight, you're talking to the wrong fucking cowboy.

Red Goth: I'm so freaking stoked that Cthulhu is gonna squash all the happy-go-lucky conformists.
Goth Leader: Yeah. I just hope he puts an end to the fucking Disney Channel.

Coon vs. Coon and Friends [14.13][edit]

[When the boys are talking about their superpowers]
Toolshed: What's your superpower, Mysterion?
Mysterion: I can't die!
Toolshed: Oh, yeah, good one! Mysterion can't die and Iron Maiden is indestructible--
Mysterion: No, Stan, I'm being serious. I really, really can't die!
Stan: (laughing) What?
Mysterion: Like last night in the alley! The cult leader stabbed me and I bled all over the place and you screamed "Oh, my God!" and you (indicates Human Kite) called him a bastard.
Human Kite: When was that?
Mysterion: All the time! I die all the time! And you assholes never remember!
Stan: I think we would remember you dying, dude.
Mysterion: Well, you don't! I die over and over! Only to wake up in my bed like nothing happened.
Stan: Dude, you're freaking out Mint Berry Crunch. He's peed his pants.
Mint Berry Crunch: No, no! Mint Berry Crunch doesn't ever pee his pants!
Mysterion: (disappointed) I knew there'd be no point in telling you guys.
Human Kite: OK, dude, let's just say you're not crazy and it's true. What's the big deal? I mean, I think it'd be pretty cool not being able to die.
Mysterion: (furious) Pretty cool?! Do you know what it feels like to be stabbed?! To be shot, decapitated, torn apart, burnt, run over?!!
Stan: Kenny, Kenny, calm down!
Mysterion: It's not pretty cool, Kyle! It fucking hurts! And it won't go away and nobody will believe me! Remember this time! Try and fucking remember!
(Takes a gun and shoots himself.)

Cartman: As the Coon explains how the disaster can be stopped something terrible happened. The Coon friends changed and their superpowers morphed them somehow turning them into supervillains! The Coon try to reason with them. Try to bring them back to the side of good but it was to late.

[Sometime later the boys are talking about their next move for a good deed]
Mysterion: [annoyed] You guys have no memory of me shooting myself in the head, do you?
Toolshed: [laughs] What?

Crème Fraiche [14.14][edit]

Operator: Thanks for calling the Food Network hotline. Billing is $9.95 for each 60 second period. To accept, say "Creme Fraiche".
Randy: Creme Fraiche.
Amanda: Hi there, I'm Amanda. What are you up to?
Randy: Oh, hi, I just, uh, thought I'd give the hotline a try. What are you doing?
Amanda: I'm making a pan roasted chicken.
Randy: Pan roasted? Like seared on the stove and then put in the oven?
Amanda: Uh-huh. I'm just taking the chicken out of the pan. It's so moist. I'm gonna let it rest now, about five minutes.
Randy: Yeah?
Amanda: Yeah. Ooh, there's lots of brown bits stuck to the bottom of the skillet.
Randy: You gonna deglaze that fucking pan?
Amanda: Oh, I'm gonna deglaze it. You wanna help me?
Randy: If I was there I would. I'd take some red wine - about a quarter cup - and then a wooden spoon and I'd deglaze the fuck out of that pan.
Amanda: I got a wooden spoon right here. It's pretty hard.
Randy: Yeah, you gonna put some onion in while you're deglazing?
Amanda: I was thinking about shallots actually.
Randy: Oh yeah, shallots won't overwhelm the chicken's natural flavor. Fuck yeah.
Sharon: [picking up phone] Randy Marsh!
Randy: Ah! Sharon!
Operator: Your time on Food Network hotline has expired. To add more time, say "Creme Fraiche".