South Park/Season 15

HUMANCENTiPAD [15.1]

Japanese man: NO! I WILL NOT EAT IF THEY ARE FORCED TO EAT ON MY POO!

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Cartman: Whoa! Cooool! [struts over to it, then presses some icons on the iPad on the Japanese man's forehead.] Oh wooow! No waaay! [walks to the iPad on the woman's ass and presses some icons there.] It does e-mail and Web browsing, and it shits in Kyle's mouth?? This is the greatest thing that has ever been invented!!

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(Carman and his mother Liane are in Best Buy looking at iPads.)

Liane: Here, look at this one...a Toshiba HandiBook.

Cartman (offended that Liane would even suggest such a thing): A Toshiba HandiBook?!

Liane: This says it does everything the iPad does, at half the price.

Cartman (bratty): Mom, do not screw me over again! If I take that thing to school, everybody's going to think I'm a poverty-stricken asshole!

Liane (stern): Eric, stop acting like a spoiled brat! You can either have the Toshiba HandiBook, or you can have nothing at all! (There is a pause while Cartman considers this.)

Cartman (even snottier): I've got a better idea! Why don't you go across the street and buy some condoms, because we should at least be safe if you're going to FUCK ME, MOM!!!

Liane (sharp): Eric!

Cartman (butter his ass, he's on a roll!): You might as well buy some cigarettes too, because I like to have a smoke after I get good and fucked! (Cartman's meltdown has attracted some very unwelcome attention.) Do you wanna fuck me, Mom?! Just say so! (Cartman yanks down his pants and presents his ass to Liane, who is totally mortified.) GO AHEAD, MOM, FUCK ME!! FUCK ME RIGHT IN THE BEST BUY!! YOU WANNA FUCK YOUR SON SO BAD?! GO ON!! FUCK ME! FUCK ME!!!!

(Cut to the car, not long after that. Cartman is sobbing while Liane simply looks straight ahead at the road.)

Liane (angry): Stop crying, Eric! I told you that if you kept acting up, you weren't getting anything!

Cartman (contrite): But I told you I was sorry...

Liane (not convinced): You made me look like some sort of child molester in front of all those people!

Cartman (innocent): I wasn't trying to get you in trouble...

Liane: Then why did you go outside to a police officer and tell him, "Help, help, my mommy is trying to fuck me?"

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Cartman (pleading): Please, can we go back and get the Toshiba HandiBook?

Liane (sharply): NO! (Another pause.)

Cartman: Well, then can we at least pull up here and get some dinner? Because I like to be wined and dined before I get FUCKED!!!

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(Cartman's dreams of owning the world's first HUMANCENTiPAD have been dashed, and he is now being left alone in the Best Buy parking lot to rant at God.)

Cartman: Why did you do this to me, God? Next time you're gonna get my hopes, could you please take me to a Grease Monkey? 'Cause I like to get lubed before I get FUCKED, huh? Some lube would be nice! Or at least a courtesy lick, God! How about a little courtesy lick the next time you decide to FUCK ME-- (And that's about enough of that. A Divine bolt of lightning cuts Cartman's tirade short, as the power goes out.)

(Cut to a hospital bed. Cartman is sobbing in the bed, burnt and in traction. Liane is by his bedside reading, and she could totally care less.)

Royal Pudding [15.3]

"What a great day for Canadians everywhere! The Winnipeg drummers, playing the "March of 1000 Farts"...as is traditional for the Canadian Royal Family."

"People in attendance, now gently tossing Cap'n Crunch as the prince passes by...as of course is tradition."

"Ah, here she comes! Yes, there she is! The aboot-to-be princess of Canada. Isn't she ravishing? So pure of heart, so strong in body, so hot in the face....She is indeed the living symbol of our greatly country. My God, she's beautiful."

Scott: (loud, booming voice) Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum I smell Kraft dinna.

Canadian General: You're a dick, Scott! You have always been a dick! And then you got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now you're a giant dick!

Scott: No! You all kept calling me a dick and that turned me into a dick! And then I got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now I'm a giant dick!

Ugly Bob: Don't worry. If there's one thing eskimos are good at, it's finding things.

Scott: Eskimos are good for nothing! I paid one to give me a blow job once. All she did was rub her nose against my penis for forty five seconds and ask me to pay her! God damn polar gooks.

Ike: STOP BEING A DICK, SCOTT!

Scott: Oh, so now I'm a dick?!

T.M.I. [15.4]

Butters: ...and so then... And so then, it turns out that the Terminator secretly had a kid ten years ago, meaning Terminator could be his own father, and then Skeletor gets angry and wants to fight him.

Kyle: No, dude, that's not the trailer for Terminator 5, that really happened.

Butters: Skeletor's real?

Stan: No, dude, that's not Skeletor, that's Terminator's wife.

Butters: Skeletor's a lady?

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Worker: Sorry, doctor, your wife's on the phone; says it's an emergency.

Therapist: Excuse me. [goes to his desk and answers phone] Carol, what..? Whoa, calm down, honey. What do you mean? Web chat with wha..? What 14-year-old girl? Carol, I would ne-- [Cartman stops texting and puts down his iPhone 4] No, I don't have a criminal record, who-- Who is Mitch Connor? There can't be an official police report, honey, there's not-- No-no, Carol, put down the gun, swe-sweetie, come on-- Put down the-- [gunshot] Carol? Carol! [turns his head and stares at Cartman in shock]

Cartman: I'm not fat. I'm big boned.

Ass Burgers [15.8]

Stan:[He snaps in Class] God shut up, Everyone shut the fuck up.

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Kyle:Stan?

Stan:[While Drunk] Kyle! "Hugs Kyle"

Kyle:Hey Stan? [Pulls away from the hug]

Stan:[Speaking slurred] Dude, I'm sorry. I'm being a shitty friend. I missed my buddy. You were right, Adam Sandler is fuckin' hysterical!

Kyle:Stan, are you alright?

Stan:But Kyle, it's all shit! For real! It's all shit 'cause the aliens with AI and you and me are gonna fuck it all up! Come on!

Kyle:Dude. Have you been drinking?

Stan:You're not listening to me, Kyle. Dude, we have to go do this one thing, and then everything can go back to normal!

Kyle:It's too late for that. Things just can't go back, Stan, uh. I'm with Cartman Burger now.

Stan:[Pauses for a moment] Dude, Cartman Burger? Seriously? How shitty- is that fuckin' concept?

Kyle:See? There you go again. Look at you dude. Look what you've become. "Cartman shows up to see Kyle]

Cartman:Everything alright here, Kyle?

Kyle:Yeah, It's fine.

Cartman:We're uh gonna need some more patties pretty soon.

Kyle:Yeah yeah, ahh I'll be right there.

Stan:Come on, Kyle. This is about you and me, remember?!

Kyle:Look, dude, things around here have changed. Sometimes, the only way to keep going is to make a left turn.

Stan:[In silence, waiting for a moment] Fuck you Kyle, [Flips him off] You're piece of shit! [Kyle leaves to the burger stand] Kyle, I love you. [Kyle shows ups, but Stan flips him of again] You're piece of shit though, Fuck you! [Kyle leaves again to the burger stand] I love you. [Kyle refuses to show up to him]

The last of the Meheecans

Cartman: [turns around] Alright y'all, keep your eyes peeled and your guns ready. [spits something out, wipes his lips clean with the back of his shirt sleeve, and returns to patrolling the border] There's a heap of Mexicans out there who want nothin' more than to sneak past our border, and we've gotta stop them!

Liane: [walking out] Eric, you wanna say hi to Grandpa?

Cartman: Not now, Mom! We're playing Texans versus Mexicans! Gah! [turns to the boys on the ground - Clyde, Craig, and Timmy] All right patrol, you all know the drill. Not one Mexican is to get past this border! Not a single one! Yeehaw!

The other four: Yeehaw [Timmy stays silent]

Bass to Mouth [15.9]

Craig:Exclusive: "Stan Marsh thinks Elize Thomson has a hot buttcrack."

Stan:What?

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[After Stan discovers his personal information on Eavesdropper.]

Stan:Kenny! [He goes to Kenny] Kenny, What the fuck!

Kenny:What?

Stan:How did Eavesdropper get a hold of my e-mail to you!

Kenny:I don't know?

Stan:Did you leave your e-mails open for everyone to read?

Kenny:No.

Stan:That was a privave e-mail message from me and you! [Wendy shows up angrily at Stan, and Stan noticed her] Hey, Wendy.

Wendy:You like looking at girls' buttcrack, Stan!

Kenny:Oh fuck, I'm getting outta here. [Kenny closes his locker and leaves]

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Stan: What's funny about having our private emails hacked into?!

Wendy: Especially when they're writing about your boyfriend's addiction to crack!

1%

Cartman: And then... and then Wendy... said they were the 99% and that I was the 1% and that me me not ceeuuwwl!

A History Channel Thanksgiving

Natalie Portman: "Hmmmm... no!"

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Cartman: “Did you guys know that when you stop menstruating, it’s called menopause?”

Stan: “What?”

Cartman: “Yeah, God takes your period away, and apparently it makes you really irritable. I was thinking that might be why Kyle’s been so grouchy lately.”

The Poor Kid

Repeated Line: I'm white trash and I'm in trouble!

Eric Cartman: Your momma's so poor she can't even pay attention!

Eric Cartman: My momma's so poor she walks down the street in one shoe, and if you ask her if she lost a shoe, she says 'No I found one!'