South Park/Season 15

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HUMANCENTiPAD [15.1][edit]

Japanese man: NO! I WILL NOT EAT IF THEY ARE FORCED TO EAT MY POO!

Cartman: Whoa! Cooool! [struts over to it, then presses some icons on the iPad on the Japanese man's forehead.] Oh wooow! No waaay! [walks to the iPad on the woman's ass and presses some icons there.] It does e-mail and Web browsing, and it shits in Kyle's mouth?? This is the greatest thing that has ever been invented!!

(Carman and his mother Liane are in Best Buy looking at iPads.)
Liane: Here, look at this one... a Toshiba HandiBook.
Cartman (offended that Liane would even suggest such a thing): A Toshiba HandiBook?!
Liane: This says it does everything the iPad does, at half the price.
Cartman (bratty): Mom, do not screw me over again! If I take that thing to school, everybody's going to think I'm a poverty-stricken asshole!
Liane (stern): Eric, stop acting like a spoiled brat! You can either have the Toshiba HandiBook, or you can have nothing at all! (There is a pause while Cartman considers this.)
Cartman (even snottier): I've got a better idea! Why don't you go across the street and buy some condoms, because we should at least be safe if you're going to FUCK ME, MOM!!!
Liane (sharp): Eric!
Cartman (butter his ass, he's on a roll!): You might as well buy some cigarettes too, because I like to have a smoke after I get good and fucked! (Cartman's meltdown has attracted some very unwelcome attention.) Do you wanna fuck me, Mom?! Just say so! (Cartman yanks down his pants and presents his ass to Liane, who is totally mortified.) GO AHEAD, MOM, FUCK ME!! FUCK ME RIGHT IN THE BEST BUY!! YOU WANNA FUCK YOUR SON SO BAD?! GO ON!! FUCK ME! FUCK ME!!!!
(Cut to the car, not long after that. Cartman is sobbing while Liane simply looks straight ahead at the road.)
Liane (angry): Stop crying, Eric! I told you that if you kept acting up, you weren't getting anything!
Cartman (contrite): But I told you I was sorry...
Liane (not convinced): You made me look like some sort of child molester in front of all those people!
Cartman (innocontrite): But I wasn't get you in trouble.
Liane: Then why did you go outside to the police officer and say "HELP HELP MY MOM IS TRYING TO FUCK ME!"

Funnybot [15.2][edit]

[After Jimmy claims Germans have no sense of humour]
Cartman: Dude, what the hell?! Did you see the news?!
Stan: We told you doing a comedy awards show was a bad idea! Now all of Germany is pissed off at us!
Jimmy: Don't worry, fellows, everything's going to be ok!
Cartman: Ok?! Jimmy, do you know what happened to the last people Germans were pissed off at?! Tell him, Kyle!
Funnybot: Exterminate!

Royal Pudding [15.3][edit]

"What a great day for Canadians everywhere! The Winnipeg drummers, playing the "March of 1000 Farts"...as is traditional for the Canadian Royal Family."
"People in attendance, now gently tossing Cap'n Crunch as the prince passes by...as of course is tradition."
"Ah, here she comes! Yes, there she is! The aboot-to-be princess of Canada. Isn't she ravishing? So pure of heart, so strong in body, so hot in the face....She is indeed the living symbol of our greatly country. My God, she's beautiful."
Scott: (loud, booming voice) Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum I smell Kraft dinna.
Canadian General: You're a dick, Scott! You have always been a dick! And then you got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now you're a giant dick!
Scott: No! You all kept calling me a dick and that turned me into a dick! And then I got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now I'm a giant dick!
Ugly Bob: Don't worry. If there's one thing eskimos are good at, it's finding things.
Scott: Eskimos are good for nothing! I paid one to give me a blow job once. All she did was rub her nose against my penis for forty five seconds and ask me to pay her! God damn polar gooks.
Ike: STOP BEING A DICK, SCOTT!
Scott: Oh, so now I'm a dick?!

T.M.I. [15.4][edit]

Butters: ...and so then... And so then, it turns out that the Terminator secretly had a kid ten years ago, meaning Terminator could be his own father, and then Skeletor gets angry and wants to fight him.
Kyle: No, dude, that's not the trailer for Terminator 5, that really happened.
Butters: Skeletor's real?
Stan: No, dude, that's not Skeletor, that's Terminator's wife.
Butters: Skeletor's a lady?
Cartman: [enters the cafeteria in rage] GODDAMMIT! WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?! THIS IS THE LAST FUCKING STRAW! I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL EVERYBODY!!!!!
Butters: Hey, Eric!
Cartman: [violently shakes the table] I AM SO SICK OF THIS FUCKING SCHOOL!!!!! [Butters gasps as the guys' drunks fall] THIS STUPID SCHOOL AND ITS STUPID PRINCIPAL HAS GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME!!!!!
Kyle: You get in trouble again, Cartman?
Cartman: NO, I DIDN'T DO A DAMN THING! Nothing! I told you, this school is a den of snakes! You're not gonna believe what they did this time, you guys.
Stan: Dude, we're just trying to eat.
Cartman: Oh, you think i'm overreacting again, huh?! No! Not this time! [shakes the table again] The school has gone too far this time and it affects each and every one of you!

Cartman: Let me guess - i'm in trouble again!
Principal Victoria: You're darn right, Eric!
Cartman: For what?!
Victoria: Why did you measure all the boy students' penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?!
Cartman: [points at her] Why did YOU measure our penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?!
Victoria: ...What?
Cartman: I don't care if Obama IS president! You don't go around putting little boys on blast, telling the whole world the lengths of their DICKS!
Victoria: Wait. Are you talking about the numbers we published Tuesday from the physicals?
Cartman: You're damn right! 1.2 inches. I'll have you know that MY penis is a respectable 1.4 inches! Maybe it's still the smallest in school, but it's .2 inches bogger than you said!
Victoria: The numbers we put up were height differentials!
Cartman: What?
Victoria: We thought it would be fun to put up how much each student has grown in height since their physical last year. You grew 1.2 inches.
Cartman: ...Those weren't our dick sizes?
Victoria: WHY would we publish the lengths of our students' private parts?!
Cartman: I don't know! Why would you?!
Victoria: We didn't!
Cartman: [gets off the chair] Aw, crap! You mean everyone knows my wiener is smaller than everyone else's because of me?!
Victoria: This is exactly the kind of thing we are always talking about, Eric. You get angry about something, you don't think, and you cause bad things to happen! This time, you've done it to yourself!
Cartman: Oh, god! Why couldn't I have just taken a minute to think about it?
Victoria: Because you have an anger problem, Eric!
Cartman: [points at her] FUCK YOU! No I don't!

Worker: Sorry, doctor, your wife's on the phone; says it's an emergency.
Therapist: Excuse me. [goes to his desk and answers phone] Carol, what..? Whoa, calm down, honey. What do you mean? Web chat with wha..? What 14-year-old girl? Carol, I would ne-- [Cartman stops texting and puts down his iPhone 4] No, I don't have a criminal record, who-- Who is Mitch Connor? There can't be an official police report, honey, there's not-- No-no, Carol, put down the gun, swe-sweetie, come on-- Put down the-- [gunshot] Carol? Carol! [turns his head and stares at Cartman in shock]
Cartman: I'm not fat. I'm big boned.

Crack Baby Athletic Association [15.5][edit]

City Sushi [15.6][edit]

Takayama: Welcome to City Sushi. Can I take er order prease?

Tuong Lu Kim: What's the big idea putting your City Suchi right next to my City Wok?!

Takayama: I'm sorry I do under understand your accent. You want a City tuna roll?

Tuong Lu Kim: No I don't want City tuna roll! I want you to go find another city town to open your City Sushi place!

Takayama: Why don't you please ujust speak English? Maybe I can understand you!

Tuong Lu Kim: I am speaking Engrish! Why don't you speak a fucking Engrish, you sofa eating fuck!

Takayama: Get out or I call police!

Tuong Lu Kim: Come on, kid, you don't wanna eat this City Sushi! It give you worms.

Takayama: Better than City Kung Po Chicken made from CAT!

[Mr. Kim turns and runs to the counter, jumps over it and lands a blow in Mr. Takayama's face. They trade blows. Mr. Kim ends with an uppercut]

You're Getting Old [15.7][edit]

Ass Burgers [15.8][edit]

Stan:[He snaps in Class] God shut up, Everyone shut the fuck up.

Kyle:Stan?
Stan:[While Drunk] Kyle! "Hugs Kyle"
Kyle:Hey Stan? [Pulls away from the hug]
Stan:[Speaking slurred] Dude, I'm sorry. I'm being a shitty friend. I missed my buddy. You were right, Adam Sandler is fuckin' hysterical!
Kyle:Stan, are you alright?
Stan:But Kyle, it's all shit! For real! It's all shit 'cause the aliens with AI and you and me are gonna fuck it all up! Come on!
Kyle:Dude. Have you been drinking?
Stan:You're not listening to me, Kyle. Dude, we have to go do this one thing, and then everything can go back to normal!
Kyle:It's too late for that. Things just can't go back, Stan, uh. I'm with Cartman Burger now.
Stan:[Pauses for a moment] Dude, Cartman Burger? Seriously? How shitty- is that fuckin' concept?
Kyle:See? There you go again. Look at you dude. Look what you've become. "Cartman shows up to see Kyle]
Cartman:Everything alright here, Kyle?
Kyle:Yeah, It's fine.
Cartman:We're uh gonna need some more patties pretty soon.
Kyle:Yeah yeah, ahh I'll be right there.
Stan:Come on, Kyle. This is about you and me, remember?!
Kyle:Look, dude, things around here have changed. Sometimes, the only way to keep going is to make a left turn.
Stan:[In silence, waiting for a moment] Fuck you Kyle, [Flips him off] You're piece of shit! [Kyle leaves to the burger stand] Kyle, I love you. [Kyle shows ups, but Stan flips him of again] You're piece of shit though, Fuck you! [Kyle leaves again to the burger stand] I love you. [Kyle refuses to show up to him]

The Last of the Meheecans[edit]

Cartman: [turns around] Alright y'all, keep your eyes peeled and your guns ready. [spits something out, wipes his lips clean with the back of his shirt sleeve, and returns to patrolling the border] There's a heap of Mexicans out there who want nothin' more than to sneak past our border, and we've gotta stop them!

Liane: [walking out] Eric, you wanna say hi to Grandpa?

Cartman: Not now, Mom! We're playing Texans versus Mexicans! Gah! [turns to the boys on the ground - Clyde, Craig, and Timmy] All right patrol, you all know the drill. Not one Mexican is to get past this border! Not a single one! Yeehaw!

The other four: Yeehaw [Timmy stays silent]

Bass to Mouth [15.9][edit]

Craig:Exclusive: "Stan Marsh thinks Elize Thomson has a hot buttcrack."
Stan:What?

[After Stan discovers his personal information on Eavesdropper.]

Stan:Kenny! [He goes to Kenny] Kenny, What the fuck!
Kenny:What?
Stan:How did Eavesdropper get a hold of my e-mail to you!
Kenny:I don't know?
Stan:Did you leave your e-mails open for everyone to read?
Kenny:No.
Stan:That was a privave e-mail message from me and you! [Wendy shows up angrily at Stan, and Stan noticed her] Hey, Wendy.
Wendy:You like looking at girls' buttcrack, Stan!
Kenny:Oh fuck, I'm getting outta here. [Kenny closes his locker and leaves]

Stan: What's funny about having our private emails hacked into?!
Wendy: Especially when they're writing about your boyfriend's addiction to crack!

Broadway Bro Down[edit]

1%[edit]

Cartman: And then... and then Wendy... said they were the 99% and that I was the 1% and that made me not ceeuuwwl!

A History Channel Thanksgiving[edit]

Natalie Portman: "Hmmmm... no!"

Cartman: “Did you guys know that when you stop menstruating, it’s called menopause?”
Stan: “What?”
Cartman: “Yeah, God takes your period away, and apparently it makes you really irritable. I was thinking that might be why Kyle’s been so grouchy lately.”

The Poor Kid[edit]

Repeated Line: I'm white trash and I'm in trouble!
Eric Cartman: Your momma's so poor she can't even pay attention!
Eric Cartman: My momma's so poor she walks down the street in one shoe, and if you ask her if she lost a shoe, she says 'No I found one!'
Mysterion: Karen McCormick is off limits!, do you understand? Make sure everybody in this school knows!

Carol McCormick: (yelling) Both of you are pieces of shit. Sit the fuck down!

Child Service Agent: (crying) ITS LIKE A PENN STATE HOMECOMING PARTY!!!

Eric Cartman: (singing) I'm not, I'm not, that's right. The poor kid at schoooooool.