- In Mercia and the two Anglias - plague, with a 50% chance of pestilence and famine coming out of the Northwest at twelve miles per hour.
- This man was Arthur, King of the Britons. For this... was... England!
- [After the ensemble sings about Finland] I said, ENGLAND!
- Defeat at the castle in Act One seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise.
King Arthur 
- God be praised, we have a quest!
- Stand aside, Mrs. Galahad, while the Lady of the Lake and her laker girls welcome your son to my army!
- Sir Robin: [talking about people on Broadway] They are a different people, a multi-talented people, a people... who need people... and who are, in many ways, the luckiest people in the world.
- Sir Robin: God, the almighty and all-knowing, has misplaced a cup?
- Lady of the Lake: But you're not alone, Arthur. Haven't you noticed? I've been with you all the time. Who gave you the sword, who made you King, who helped you find the quest? Sure I've been off stage for far too long, but we had that great lounge number in Act One, and oh, we do scat great together. No, no, I'm no Patsy, but I'm here to help you and I always have been.
- Herbert's Father: Stop that. Stop that. Stop it! No more bloody singing! [Lancelot whacks him on the head]
- Sir Lancelot: [talking about gay marriage] Just think Herbert. In a thousand years time this will still be controversial.
- Brother Maynard: And now the congregation shall rise and sing Hymn 101, 'Get Your Hand Off My Knee, Ya Dirty Old Bastard'.
- Arthur: Have you heard of this Broadway?
- Robin: Yes Sire, and we don't stand a chance there.
- Arthur: But I thought you were a fairy.
- Lady of the Lake: Oh no, that's Lancelot.
- Arthur: This is a total bloody disastar. All my knights have fled and we're lost in a dark and extremely expensive forest.
- Patsy: Well, could be worse.
- Arthur: Oh how could it possibly be worse?
- Knight who says Ni: Ni!
- Arthur: Oh no.
- Arthur: God be praised. We have a quest: to find the grail!
- Sir Robin: The quail!
- Arthur: No, the grail. The vessel used at the last supper.
- Sir Robin: They had a boat at the last supper? Was it a sort of dinner cruise?
- Sir Galahad: The grail is a cup.
- Sir Robin: God the almighty and all-knowing has misplaced a cup?
- Patsy: I'm Jewish!
- Arthur: What? Why didn't you say so?
- Patsy: Well... it's not the sort of thing you say in front of a heavily armed christian.
- MONKS CHANT / HE IS NOT YET DEAD
- Monks: Sanctos sanctum domine [all Monks hit themselves on the head with the thick books they carry]
- Not Dead Fred: I am not dead yet
I can dance and I can sing
I am not dead yet
I can do the Highland Fling
I am not dead yet
No need to go to bed
No need to call the doctor
'Cause I'm not yet dead.
- Lancelot: My name is Lancelot
I'm big and strong and hot
Occasionally I do
some things that I should not.
- Chorus: Oh, we're off to war
Because we're not yet dead
We will all enlist
As the knights that Arthur led
- Not Dead Fred:
I am coming too
My name will be Sir Fred
I'll be your musician
'Cause I'm not yet dead.
- COME WITH ME
- Lady of the Lake: Galahad, sweet Galahad,
Be a knight, it's time to take your vow
If you come with me now
I'll show you how
- Dennis Galahad: Oh Wow!
- RUN AWAY
- French Soldiers:
You English all are buggerfolk!
Your mother's all are ruggerfolk!
Your army is a bloody joke!
You couldn't beat an artichoke!
If battle you choose to renew,
We'll taunt you 'til you all turn blue!
We turn our asses as you part!
In your direction we all faaar... Too!
- DIVA'S LAMENT / WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY PART?
- Lady of the Lake: Whatever happened to my -
I"LL CALL MY AGENT, DAMMIT!! -
Whatever happened to my-y-y -
NOT YOURS! And NOT YOURS!
- I'M ALL ALONE
- Arthur: I'm all alone.
- Patsy: He's all alone.
- Arthur: All by myself.
- Patsy: Except for me.
Original Broadway Cast 
- Tim Curry - King Arthur
- Hank Azaria - Sir Lancelot, French Taunter, Knight of Ni, Tim the Enchanter
- David Hyde Pierce - Sir Robin, Guard 1, Brother Maynard
- Christian Borle - Historian, Not Dead Fred, French Guard, Minstrel, Prince Herbert
- Michael McGrath - Mayor, Patsy, Guard 2
- Sara Ramirez - The Lady of the Lake
- Steve Rosen - Dennis' mother, Sir Bedevere, Concorde
- Christopher Sieber - Sir Dennis Galahad, The Black Knight, Prince Herbert's father