Sandy Bates 
- I took one course in existential philosophy at, uh, at New York University, and on, uh, on the final... they gave me ten questions, and, uh, I couldn't answer a single one of 'em. You know? I left 'em all blank... I got a hundred.
- You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only-only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.
- I don't know much about classic music. For years I thought the Goldberg Variations were something Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg tried on their wedding night.
- To you, I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
- I'm a psychoanalyst. This is my pipe.
- Dorrie: That aftershave. It just made my whole childhood come back with a sudden Proustian rush.
Sandy Bates: Yeah? That's 'cause I'm wearing Proustian Rush by Chanel. It's-it's reduced. I got a vat of it.
- Fan : Can I talk to you about an idea for a film I have?
Sandy Bates: This is not the place.
Fan: Do you have a moment, please? It's a comedy based on that whole Guyana mass suicide.
- Sandy Bates: Shouldn't I stop making movies and do something that counts, like-like helping blind people or becoming a missionary or something?
Voice of Martian: Let me tell you, you're not the missionary type. You'd never last. And-and incidentally, you're also not Superman; you're a comedian. You want to do mankind a real service? Tell funnier jokes.
- Vivian Orkin: In this film, he played the part of God.
Ghost of Sandy Bates: This was not easy, folks, because, uh, you know, I-I-I didn't know what the hell I was doing, and I don't have a good voice for God.
Vivian Orkin: And he received an Academy Award for his convincing portrayal of God... although they had to use another actor's voice.
- Fan: My mother buys meat in the same butcher shop your mother does.
Sandy Bates: Oh, great.
Fan: Can I have your autograph?
Sandy Bates: Oh, jeez.
Fan: Could you just write: "To Phyllis Weinstein, you unfaithful, lying bitch."