Stella Street

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Stella Street was a British television comedy programme aired by the BBC between 1997 and 2001. It follows the antics of a group of celebrities who happen to move to Stella Street, Surbiton. All main characters are played by comedians John Sessions and Phil Cornwell.

Series One[edit]

Episode 1: Who's Jimmy Hill?[edit]

Michael Caine: (concerning Jack Nicholson): 'Dirty little monkey int' he? He's like a rat up a drainpipe. Mind you, he does a nice apple crumble.


Michael Caine: Now, I've got to pop down the shop to get you some nice mange tout -
Mrs Hugget: Oh, I don't think I'd like that -
Michael Caine: Yes you would, girl, 'cos they're crunchy, and you like crunchy, don't you, darling?
Mrs Hugget: Depends what I'm crunching, d'un it, might be cockroaches.


Michael Caine: Remember the Rolling Stones? Legends of rock 'n' roll? Well one day they were touring America, and Mick turns to Keith and says: 'Keith, we are starting to look old and stupid, I think it's time we went into the grocery trade'.


Mick Jagger: Hey, Keith, have you seen the date on these marshmallows? They are well past their sell by, they're getting old.
Keith Richards: Well, they're like us, man, aren't they?


Mick Jagger: What you done with all those tins of gleamed peaches? What you done with them?
Keith Richards: I dunno, I give up, where are they?


Jack Nicholson: Where's the fucking Shreddies, man?
Keith Richards: They're right down there!
Jack Nicholson: Keith, you are so fucking out of it, man, anything looks like a packet of Shreddies at this time of day.


Mrs Huggett (concerning Keith Richards): He gets through more drink in a day, that my father got through in his entire life.


Michael Caine: Oi, Joe, what you got there? Is that a bit of mulch?
Joe Pesci: What the fuck is mulch?
Michael Caine: Mulch? It's something you put underneath to bed-in your roses and other hardy plants -
Joe Pesci: What the fuck are you talking about, huh?
Michael Caine: It forms part of the osmosis -
Joe Pesci: What the fuck are you talking about? You're going on like a fucking garden knome. I'm trying to bury this stiff here and you're giving me all this rose-bed shit. Get outta here you mulch fuck.


Michael Caine (concerning David Bowie): You see that bloke there? Doing all the poncy martial arts? You remember the man who fell to earth? Well, he landed here at number 2.


Michael Caine: Hello, Dirk, nice weather to be wearing that perfume.
Dirk Bogart: It's colonge, you cockney cow.


Joe Pesci: Never seen the point of old people, they're nearly fucking dead anyways


Michael Caine: Sometimes life has a nasty habit of slapping you in the face. I - have been slapped. Ouch.


Episode 2: Bongo In The Congo[edit]

Mick Jagger: Roger comes in for Bryl Cream, we stock it special for him. And he likes a pilchard.


Mick Jagger: The come in looking for things that they do want and they walk out with things that they don't want. That is retailing!
Keith Richards: A guy gets out of bed in the morning, you know, he's got gear to score, he's got chick to screw, and he says: before I do anything, I must go down to a shop, any fucking shop, and buy something I don't fucking need'. Is that what you're saying?
Mick Jagger: No! That's is not what I'm saying!


Dirk Bogart: Has anyone ever told you that you are a very peculiar pair to be running a corner shop? Has anyone ever told you that you are a very peculiar pair, period?