Steven Wright
From Wikiquote
Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an Academy Award winning American comedian, writer and actor, known for his bizarre comic style and morose stage persona.
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[edit] Sourced
[edit] Catchphrase
- [unenthusiastically] Thanks...
- Said at the beginning of every show in response to the audience cheering and clapping
[edit] I Have A Pony (1985)
- I recently went to the hardware store, and I bought some used paint... It was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
- I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I... didn't hear it.
- I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world... Maybe you've seen it?
- Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
- When I first read the dictionary I thought it was a long poem about everything.
[edit] I Still Have a Pony (2007)
- I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."
- Lots of my friends have babies, but I don't have any babies, but I have lots of friends - babies don't have any friends. They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there's gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises... Gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy. I need one of those baby-monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about... Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with. Just to screw with my subconscious... It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no-one to talk to.
- They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven... They're right.
- In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing...
- Last time I went to the grocery store I caused a lot of commotion 'cause I tried to buy that thing at the register that separates your food from the other guy's food... [feigns distress] "No, I need this! You don't know what its like where I live."
