Steven Wright
From Wikiquote
Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American actor, writer and comedian, known for his bizarre comic style and morose stage persona.
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[edit] Sourced
[edit] Catchphrase
- [unenthusiastically] Thanks...
- Said at the beginning of every show in response to the audience cheering and clapping
[edit] I Have A Pony (1985)
- I recently went to the hardware store, and I bought some used paint... It was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
- I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear it.
- I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.
- Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
- When I first read the dictionary I thought it was a long poem about everything.
[edit] I Still Have a Pony (2006)
- I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
- Lots of my friends have babies, but I don't have any babies, but I have lots of friends - babies don't have any friends. They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wire-tapping. One day there's gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises... Gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy. I need one of those baby-monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about... Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with. Just to screw with my subconscious... It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no-one to talk to.
- My doctor says I shouldn't work out any more until I'm in better shape. So I said "All right, don't send me a bill until I pay you."
- In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." and then they told me "Nobody's perfect." so then I stopped practicing.
- Last time I went to the grocery store I caused a lot of commotion cause I tried to buy that thing at the register that separates your food from the other guy's food... (feints distress) "No, I need this! You don't know what its like where I live..."
