Takeshi's Castle

From Wikiquote

[edit] UK Version (Craig Charles quotes)

General Quotes

• "BODY SWERVE!"
• "What a guy, if he is a guy?"
• "Let's get todays organised disorganisation started!"
• "What a wazzock!"
• "He's a Happy Clappy Jappy Chappy."
• "New ribs/teeth/spine/balls/etc., please!"
• "Protect your love spuds/gunnels/Ted Evans/happy sacks/etc.!"
• "No winners this time on Takeshi's Castle!"
• "Don't let the guards penetrate the ring on your shiny red helmet!"
• "Specially shipped in from a pig farm in southern Japan!"
• "Answers on a postcard, please!"
• "Ouch! Someone call the air ambulance."
• "Back to the happy farm/matron/rubber room with the warm biscuits/lemon curd sandwiches/lovely little white jacket that ties behind."
• "Shut up, commentator!/Hush my mouth!"(usually said when he makes fun of a contestant, but they then go on to complete the game, or when he says a contestant's doing well, and then they fail)
• "The Emerald Guard - elite troops: Highly trained, highly accurate, (highly cold, highly sprung, etc.)"
• "I never thought I'd say this/that on the television."
• "I've walked on water before. I just made sure that the temperature was well below freezing before I ventured out onto the pond..."
• "It looks like Elton John's coffee table circa 1975."
• "It's the best of the west taking on the beasts from the east!" (said about anyone that's white or doesn't look Japanese)
• "I'm sure there'll be a winner next time!"
• "He's/She's commited seppuku!"
• "There's a shot for the director!" (said for any shot that shows women in a risqué or slightly pervy way)
• "I actually have no idea what's going on..."
• "That looks like something Marks made when Spencer wasn't looking!" (when describing some contestants' rather terrible outfits)
• "Buy everything you see in the next two minutes!"
• "If you know what's good for you, then just buy it!"
• "As a famous person once said, I'm, er, black!"
• "If you can't stand the heat, then stop going to Greece!"
• "He's in the drink!" (Said when any contestant falls into water)
• "He's penetrated his own ring!"
• "Shit...ake"
• "Goooooooooaaaaaaaaaalllllllll!!!.....As they say in Brazil" (said when contestants have gone through)
• "There's only two languages I'm fluent in, English and Rubbish"
• "That was pathetic/terrible!"
• "That's just giving up!"
• "Some wazzock seeing stars!"
• "He/she's put the spare in spare ribs!" (when a contestant lands heavily on their ribs)
• "Somewhere in Tokyo there's a Renault Clio with its seat covers missing!" (describing some of the contestant's outfits)
• "Like a night out with Jamie Theakston!" (anything that could be taken as 'kinky', or if a contestant displays somewhat masochistic behaviour.)
• "You do the maths."
• "You can see where the budget went!"

General Lee

• "Our man with the tan/the ladies favourite/the Des Lynam of the east, General Lee, psyches up his one hundred kamikaze cousins/kamikaze kids/willing warriors etc..."
• "possibly the worst general in history!"
• "Sometimes man's man!"

Skipping Stones

• "During course of the series we've had 20 broken legs, 35 broken arms, 127 broken ribs and 1568 missing teeth" (Numbers may differ)
• "This is the ultimate shin shredder!" (often expanded to jaw breaker, rib cracker, teeth snapper, love spud peeler, etc)
• "All the other stones breathe a sigh of relief!" (when a fat contestant falls in and goes out)
• "That was one of the unmoveable stones!" (when a fat contestant falls in and goes out)

Show Of Hands

• "I'm innumerate, me. I can spell that, I just can't tell you how many letters are in it..."
• "Give us a wave."
• "It's tricky, this one... 'cause I have no idea what's going on."

Ride The Wave

• "I once did a gig for Save the Whales, did alright, must have saved loads of them. Then I got mugged in Camden, and not one of them turned up to help!"
• "The Japanese love their whales of course. Especially as a starter"
• "So close to the line, she's gotta be gutted! But the whale will be later, and turned into soap"

Bridge Ball

• "The bridge is very wobbly, much like the Millennium Bridge in London"
• "Big, black balls bouncing off his backside/helmet"
• "Floundering in the net like a captured cod/happy haddock/trout!" (said when contestants fall from the bridge and into the net)
• "The bridge over the River Kwai!"
• "Speed usually not an option in this game!"
• "He was to busy protecting the flapjacks"

Blueberry Hill

• "Rolls out the game!"
• "The oriental Dennis the menace!" (describing the guard that chants at the top of the hill)
• "We call him Dennis the menace, you can call him whatever you like because he can't hear you!"

The Gauntlet

• "It's the SAS assault course, that even the SAS refuse to do!"

Go Nuts

• "The suits: All padding of course, so our contestsants are only hurt very much rather than absolutely killed"

Slip Way

• "That is the Japanese synchronised underwater farting team practicing for the Olympics" (once said when describing the jacuzzi like water jets coming out of the water)
• "If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to?"

Knock Knock

• "All the other doors breathe a sigh of relief" (said when a fat contestant attempts a door)
• "And that was the paper door, what about when they're boarded up?!" (said when a contestant struggles to get through a paper door)

Rice Bowl Downhill

• "It's a traditional Japanese chant which means you're mad, you're mad, you know you're mad" (describing a chant regularly shouted by the Rainbow Warriors)
• "He/she cupsized!"

High Rollers

• "He/she's doing the caterpillar/roadrunner!"
• "He's like Road Runner...now he's like Wile E. Coyote" (said when someone running on one of the rollers before falling off)
• "I think he forgot his wallet/keys!" (used to describe someone going the wrong way)

Honeycomb Maze

• "The Honeycomb Maze, known for its stickyness"
• "The black handed, black hearted guards!" (describing the guards in the Honeycomb Maze)

Sumo Rings

• " It's the yellow peril/blob of custard/cowardly custard!" (describing the guard that's usually in the yellow ring)
• "Spud's had his chips!"
• "It's porker/purple porker!" (describing the guard that's usually in the purple ring)
• "It's the Japanese Harry Potter!" (describing the guard that's usually in the red ring)
• "He/she's got to be happy with that!" (said when contestants have drawn what looks like weak opponents)
• "Happy, clappy, Jappy chappies in oversized nappies!"
• "It's blondie!" (describing the blonde haired guard that sometimes appears in the blue ring)
• "It's grandad!" (describing the old guard that sometimes appears in the green ring)

Fish Food

• "That is o-fish-al!" (play on the word 'official')

Mushroom Trip

• "He seems a fun guy!" (play on the word 'fungi')
• "I suppose a mushroom isn't a vegetable, it's a fungi"
• "He's in the soup!"
• "Sometimes holding on to ones stalk with one hand can be more effective. Only sometimes."
• "He's spun his way into the drink!"

Final Showdown

• "Here they come, out of the pipe, and into the car park!"
• "They climb into their souped up shopping trolleys/dinky dodgems/daleks!" (describing the vehicles contestants ride in)
• "They look like extras from the Water Margin/Monkey!"
• "Like 1970's mobile discos!"
• "All the budget's gone on the pyrotechnics..."

[edit] "As my old dad used to say..."

In most episodes of the UK version, Craig says some strange phrase beginning with the words "As my old dad used to say...".

• "Have you done your homework?"
• "Have you washed your hands?"
• "Who are you?"
• "Do I know you?"
• "Don't let your mother see you doin' that!"
• "I don't care whose it was, just clean it up before your mother gets home!"
• "Son, are you gay?"
• "Let me slip into something more comfortable, and we'll talk about Subbuteo!"
• "Right! You stand there, don't move, I'm gonna start up the car!"
• "Put that down! It's your sister's!"
• "Put that down, it's not yours!"
• "If you go to bed with an itchy bum, you'll wake up with a stinky finger!"
• "Don't wear those, they're your mother's!"
• "If I give you extra pocket money, will you promise not to tell your mam?"
• "How many times have I told you to knock?"
• "Just go in the sea! No-one will ever know!"
• "They don't like it up 'em!"
• "Hamsters eat their young, you know!"
• "If it doesn't fit, spit on it and try again!"
• "If you dig it in the spring, it'll be out of fashion by winter!"
• "If I wasn't here, I'd be somewhere else!"
• "'Put it in the bank and you can withdraw it later!'(But we didn't have any money!)"
• "Which one are you again?"
• "You look after the twins, I'm gonna nip out for a swiftie!"
• "I quite fancy your girlfriend!"
• "Brr! Cold, innit?"
• "That was your fault!"
• "Hold this!"
• "Show us your best bits!"
• "Eggs and promises... often broken!"
• "Even monkeys fall from trees!"
• "I only married her for a bet!"
• "If it's your nan I'm out!"
• "In the '60's, that Dolly Parton had a lovely pair of hits! 'I Will Always Love You', and... I can't remember the other one!"
• "I'm sure you're not mine!"
• "It only started out as a boil on my bum!"
• "Pick the bones out of that!"
• "Son, wipe up when you're done!"
• "Shut it!"
• "We're not going on no bloomin' game show!"
• "I used to pray for a girl, but then your mother came along!"
• "Well, it tasted like a prawn!"
• "What's your name again?"
• "That wasn't mine, but whoever it was, better see a doctor!"
• "Earthquakes, thunders, fires, fathers."
• "You can't stop there. I was just getting into that!"
• "Shut up and sit there!"
• "I've just let one go!"
• "It takes two to lie: one to lie, and one to listen!"
• "Never go above 40 watts for a table lamp!"
• "Oh, shut up!"
• "Son, you get the potatoes, I'll get the refrigerator, and we'll meet in the middle!"
• "You get the Brasso, I'll take off me leg!"
• "You go and get the Black & Decker, I'm gonna go and pay off the nun!"
• "You put the kettle on, I'm gonna slip into me Batman costume."
• "You clean up the mayonnaise, and I'll slip into me Spider-man costume!"
• "You get the foot pump, I'm gonna try and find a plaster!"
• "You get the pineapple yogurt, I'm gonna go see the headmaster!"
• "You finish off the baked beans, I'll go and stick this in the hot press!"
• "A frog's baby... is a frog!"
• "You finish off the Peanut butter, I'll keep the police at the door!"
• "You dig up the rabbit and I'll call your Aunite Linda!"
• "You hide in the airing cupboard, and I'll go get the marshmallows"

And some variations...

• As I used to say to my old dad, "I thought it was a tadpole!"
• As my old dad used to say to my mum, "I always preferred your sister!"
• As my old dad used to say to my mum, "Can I butter your muffin?"
• "Sing if you're happy to be gay", as my old dad used to say! Eh?
• As my old mum used to say, "It's not big and it's not funny!"

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Takeshi's Castle