The Muppet Show
The Muppet Show (1976–1978) was the brainchild of Jim Henson, and featured the Muppets, a group of puppets and costumed characters. The general set up was a "live" variety show hosted by Kermit the Frog. Each episode featured several "on stage" sketches, usually starring the week's guest star, interspersed with backstage scenes.
Season 1 (1977-1978) 
Juliet Prowse [1.01] 
- Waldorf: That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird. They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny.
- [Statler's cigar explodes.]
- Waldorf: ...although, some of them are really quite droll.
- Kermit: [after Juliet called him "the Robert Redford of frogs"] You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT!
- Waldorf: Yeah, whadya think?
- Statler: Beats sitting home watching television.
- Mahna Mahna: Mahna Mahna!
Connie Stevens [1.02] 
- Bert: Ernie... did I make a complete fool of myself?
- Ernie: [patting Bert's shoulder] Absolutely, Bert.
- Statler: Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
- Waldorf: Yes. It'll drive people to read books.
- Fozzie: Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
- Kermit: That was no joke, Fozzie.
- Fozzie: That was my wife!
- Waldorf: More! More!
- Statler: No, not so loud: they may hear you!
Ruth Buzzi [1.04] 
- Robot Kermit: Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some steam heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
- Miss Piggy: Snuggle bunnny? Why, uh...
- Robot Kermit: Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!
- Statler: Well, did you like the show?
- Waldorf: No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.
Rita Moreno [1.05] 
- Dancer: I hear you come from a broken home.
- Animal: Yeah, I broke it myself!
- Waldorf: Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.
Jim Nabors [1.06] 
- Kermit: Your salary is 20 a week.
- Scooter: Could you make it 25?
- Kermit: Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
- Scooter: Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
- Kermit: How about 30?
- Waldorf: Pay up, they made it through another one.
- Statler: Double or nothing on next week's show?
- Waldorf: You're on.
Florence Henderson [1.07] 
- Kermit: Can we get back to the subject at hand... Florence?
- Florence: Well, there's no question in my mind!
- Kermit: [after a pause] As to what?
- Florence: Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.
Paul Williams [1.08] 
- Janice: That man is annoying me.
- Zoot: He isn't even looking at you.
- Janice: That's what's annoying me.
- Gonzo: Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
- Kermit: Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
- Gonzo: What would I do with your ear?
- Kermit: [exasperated] Van Gogh impressions.
- Dr Bob: This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice [laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear] Hmm? [speaks into it] Ten-Roger, Ok where were we? Pulse?
- Nurse Piggy: [checks pulse] (gasps) No pulse Dr Bob
- Dr Bob: Hmmm, Heartbeat?
- Nurse Janice: [checks heartbeat] No heartbeat Dr Bob
- Dr Bob: No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
- Nurse Janice: And Dr Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten
- Dr Bob: My record is still good, this week he was ten
- Announcer: And so Dr Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
- Nurse Piggy: I hope nobody hears about this Dr Bob
- Dr Bob: At least he wont say anything, hahaha!
- Nurse Piggy: I get it! haha! I get it! (laughs with him)
Harvey Korman [1.10] 
- Harvey Korman [as Maurice the Magnificent]: Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
- Thog: [gulps] I hardly know where to begin.
Lena Horne [1.11] 
Peter Ustinov [1.12] 
- Kermit: Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.
Bruce Forsyth [1.13] 
- Fozzie: My cousin is so dumb, he thinks eggs benedict is a Mafia gangster!
- Kermit: I've seen cheeseburgers funnier than that!
Sandy Duncan [1.14] 
- Fozzie: Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
- Kermit: The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
- Fozzie: Well, we worked out a great deal.
- Kermit: You pay him by the line?
- Fozzie: No, I pay him by the laugh.
- Kermit: Oh, then he owes you money.
Candice Bergen [1.15] 
- Miss Piggy: Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
- Kermit: Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.
Avery Schreiber [1.16] 
- Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.
Ben Vereen [1.17] 
- Nurse Piggy: It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.
- Doctor Bob: Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.
Phyllis Diller [1.18] 
- Rowlf the Dog: You think that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!
Vincent Price [1.19] 
- Sam the Eagle: If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.
Valerie Harper [1.20] 
- Kermit: That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?
- Scooter: I – I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!
- Hilda: That was me, clown! And I was hanging up the wardrobe.
Ethel Merman [1.22] 
- Miss Piggy: [giving Ethel roses] Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.
- Ethel: Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?
Kaye Ballard [1.23] 
- Floyd: Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
- Kermit: Oh, good!
- Floyd: If...
- Kermit: Uh-huh? If what?
- Floyd: If I can write the new theme song.
- Kermit: Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
- Floyd: No, it won't, man.
- Kermit: Uh, why not?
- Floyd: You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
- Kermit: Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
- Floyd: Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
- Kermit: You don't?
- Floyd: If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.
Mummenschanz [1.24] 
- Gonzo: Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams! Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!
- Miss Piggy: Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard, HAI-YA!
Season 2 (1978-1979) 
Don Knotts [2.01] 
- Statler: I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
- Waldorf: What's wrong with it?
- Statler: The seats face the stage!
Zero Mostel [2.02] 
- Zero: I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!
Milton Berle [2.03] 
- Milton Berle: I just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
- Statler: Hey, bro!
- Berle: What?
- Statler: Hey, Berle? You know what? I'm just figure out your style.
- Berle: Really?
- Statler: You work like Gregory Peck.
- Berle: Gregory Peck is not a comedian.
- Statler: Well?
- Berle: Just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian for half of my life.
- Waldorf: How come we got this half?
- Berle: Did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
- Statler: That's right.
- Berle: What's right?
- Statler: We came in here to be entertained and we're not.
- Berle: Oh, yeah? I'd love to see you come down here and be funny.
- Waldorf: You first!
- Berle: "Ha, ha, ha", the audience! "Ha, ha, ha"! Don’t paying any attention to old folks. Let me tells the story.
- Statler: Hey, bro!
- Berle: Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
- Statler: You know what you're doing wrong?
- Berle: What I'm doing wrong?
- Statler: Standing too close to the audience.
- Berle: Oh, yeah? How is this?
- Statler: You're still too close.
- Berle: Oh, sorry. Is this okay?
- Statler: Now little more.
- Berle: How far back do you want me to go?
- Statler: You got a car?
- Berle: Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
- Waldorf: He can't. He's too busy.
- Berle: Doing what?
- Waldorf: Keeping people in!
- Berle: (to the audience) And you encourage him! Thath's what you're doing! (to Statler and Waldorf) You know, guys? I got good mind to punch you in your nose.
- Waldorf: Please not while I'm holding it.
- Berle: That's very funny.
- Waldorf: Ah, you can use it.
- Berle: I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
- Statler: How come they never reach your mouth?
- Berle: Gentleman! Will you please take it easy? You think I'm doing this for fun?
- Statler: Not so far!
- Berle: Oh, I see. You think you could do better?
- Statler: I couldn't do worse.
- Berle: Allright.
- Waldorf: We should.
- Berle: Oh, yeah? You sing?
- Statler: No.
- Berle: You dance?
- Statler: No.
- Berle: Can you get laughs?
- Statler: No
- Berle: Then what would you do?
- Waldorf: Just what your doing.
- Berle: Okay, that's it! That's it! I'm going to call the police!
- Statler: Good idea, you need all the protection you can get.
- Gonzo: Could I help you out?
- Berle: Please.
- Gonzo: Which way did you came in?
- Scooter: Oh, what's this?
- Fozzie: [in disguise] What does it look it like, small boy I have never seen before?
Rich Little [2.04] 
- Kermit: A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
- Gonzo: How about a talking frog?
Judy Collins [2.05] 
- J.P. [on the phone]: Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.
- Sam the Eagle [approaches the podium for the announcement]: I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! [to somebody] What do I do? [leaves the podium]
Nancy Walker [2.06] 
- Gonzo: Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
- Fozzie: I don't know, what's on stage now?
- Gonzo: Nothing.
- Fozzie: NOTHING'S ON STAGE?
Edgar Bergen [2.07] 
- Kermit: You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.
Steve Martin [2.08] 
- Kermit: Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
- Fozzie: Yeah.
- Kermit: Hey, Scooter, what's next?
- Scooter: Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
- Kermit: What the hey?
Madeline Kahn [2.09] 
- Gonzo: Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... [sniffs] and she's intelligent... [sniffs] and talented...
George Burns [2.10] 
- Kermit: I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
- Fleet: What a headline! Muppets' Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
- Kermit: Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
- Fleet: What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppets Desperate For Publicity!
Dom DeLuise [2.11] 
- Kermit: I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...
Bernadette Peters [2.12] 
- Statler: [after Miss Mousey's number] Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
- Waldorf: Really? I kind of liked it.
- Statler: Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!
Rudolf Nureyev [2.13] 
- Dr. Teeth: Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?
- Floyd: Minuet in G Major.
- Dr. Teeth: Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.
Elton John [2.14] 
- Link Hogthrob: At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
- Piggy: You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.
- Statler: We're look like members of the rock age!
- Waldorf: We're look more like members of the Stone Age! (Both laughed)
- Statler: So, what did you think?
- (Chef and chicken chase continues)
- Waldorf: I hate running gags!
- Floyd: Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
- Lou: Why not, man? The cat is good.
- Floyd: No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!
- [Fozzie has fallen off the stage]
- Statler: He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
- Waldorf: Wrong. He was doing okay until he came on the stage.
Cleo Laine [2.16] 
Julie Andrews [2.17] 
- Gonzo: [to the cow] Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!
Jaye P. Morgan [2.18] 
- Kermit: I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.
- Jaye P.: Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.
Peter Sellers [2.19] 
- Fozzie: Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no... the next act just cancelled.
- Kermit: What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry.
- Fozzie: Yeah. I know, yeah... Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...the duck hunting season began.
- Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement.
Petula Clark [2.20] 
- Kermit: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.
- Gonzo: Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?
Teresa Brewer [2.22] 
- First Mate Piggy: All right, that does it. I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?
- Capt. Link Hogthrob: Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in endless space!
- Piggy: This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it!
John Cleese [2.23] 
- John Cleese: I'd be Long John Silverstine! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas!
- Link: You can't be a pirate!
- John: Of course I'm a pirate! I have a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?
- Parrot: You don't love me any more.
- John: Of course I love you. I'm working now!
- Parrot: And you're making a lousy job of it.
- John: [pulling a gun] You wanna be an ex-parrot?
Cloris Leachman [2.24] 
- Cloris: All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!
- Kermit the Pig: Ribbit? Ribbit, rib-bit?
- Cloris: Oh, Kermit, it is you!
Season 3 (1979-1980) 
Kris Kristofferson & Rita Coolidge [3.01] 
- Gonzo: What's the soup du jour?
- Gladys: Same as yesterday.
- Gonzo: Good, I'll have that and a chicken.
- Gladys: How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?
- Gonzo: I want the chicken for company!
- Annie Sue: [to Miss Piggy] I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?
- Kermit: What's all this smoke?
- Fozzie: Uh... that is not smoke.
- Kermit: It is not smoke? Then what is it?
- Fozzie: It's jet exhaust.
- Kermit: Jet exhaust?
- Fozzie: Oh, look out! Here comes another one!
- Scooter: [to the stage hands in the rafters] Hey, somebody kill that light!
- [Machine gun fire is heard as he turns his back. At the same time that a spotlight drops down, Scooter turns behind him in surprise]
Gilda Radner [3.04] 
- Gilda: [to Bunsen] Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.
Pearl Bailey [3.05] 
- Janice: I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.
- Kermit: Well, it's just a regular backstage space.
Jean Stapleton [3.06] 
- Jean: It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.
- Kermit: What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob?
- Jean: Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.
Alice Cooper [3.07] 
- Kermit: Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when Julie Andrews did the show!
- Sam the Eagle: [to Alice] You sir, are a freako!
- Alice: Why, thank you!
- Sam the Eagle [ashamed of this reaction]: Freakos: one, civilization: zero! [leaves Alice Cooper behind]
Loretta Lynn [3.08] 
- Kermit: Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.
- Gonzo: But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.
- Door Guard: Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.
- Gonzo: Oh, then maybe he'll see me.
- Guard: He's only seeing birds.
- Gonzo: I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.
- Guard: You are not a real turkey.
- Gonzo: Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?
Marisa Berenson [3.10] 
- Kermit: I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.
- Miss Piggy: Well.. you only have one line.
- Kermit: I do?
- Miss Piggy: Exactly.
Raquel Welch [3.11] 
- Fozzie: You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
- Floyd: Yeah! And that was our problem, too! [laughs]
James Coco [3.12] 
- Miss Piggy: You know, I really like the water.
- Kermit: Oh, I am glad.
- Miss Piggy: Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.
Helen Reddy [3.13] 
- Kermit: Hey Bo, I've got a job for you!
- Bo: Oh, good.
- Kermit: Yeah. Just look at this mess.
- Bo: Okay, that sounds easy enough.
Harry Belafonte [3.14] 
- Fozzie: [handing Rowlf a script] Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.
- Rowlf the Dog: Uh... [reading] Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
- Fozzie: Go get them!
- Kermit: And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
- Fozzie: Trust me.
Lesley Ann Warren [3.15] 
- Lesley: You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.
- Kermit: Me, not crazy? I hired the others.
Cheryl Ladd [3.24] 
- Kermit: Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!
- Gonzo: Sick 'em!
- Kermit: O.K! O.K! O.K! O.K! I'll introduce him.
- Chicken: Meow!!
- Kermit: Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!
- Gonzo: Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? It's just a question of mind over matter.
- Waldorf: That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!
- Gonzo: You'll live to regret this!
- Statler: We intend to.
- Gonzo: But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!
- Waldorf:' No, but you do!
- Gonzo: What a te-riffic idea! I'll hit the times myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. Fifty print to my eyes! Make one mind the complete plate, when eye-lids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power, when I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! Release the ropes!
- Statler: That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?
- Gonzo: It's simple. I just snap my fingers! Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!
Later Seasons 
Episodes 316 - 524 (Seasons 3-5: 1979-1981)
Kenny Rogers [4.10] 
- Statler and Waldorf: (singing) Why don't they make things funny?
- Statler: Ever gone to a witch doctor?
- Waldorf: They're all witch. Ever heard of a poor doctor? (Both laughed)
- Waldorf: Yes, the frog is certainly taking a beating on this show.
- Statler: It's hard to feel sorry for him. We take a beating every show.
Gladys Knight [5.16] 
- [During the Opening number]
- Archeologist: Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.
- Sacarogi: When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see anybody!
Character quotes, unidentified episodes 
Waldorf & Statler 
- - Ah, this show is good for what ails me.
- - What ails you?
- - Insomnia.
- - What was that?
- - It's called the medium sketch.
- - The medium sketch?
- - Yeah, it wasn't rare, and it certainly wasn't well done.
- - Do you think there's life in outer space?
- - There's certainly none in THIS theater!.
- - Well, shall we call it a night?
- - Might as well. Certainly wouldn't call it a show.
- - How do they do it?
- - How do we watch it?
- - Why do we watch it?
- - [to the viewer] Why do you watch it?
- - Have you ever thought there must be a life after death?
- - Every time I leave this theater.
- - (Statler laughs until he faints down to the ground with a death-like "ohhh")
- - Gonzo: It's just a simple question of mind over matter...
- - Well, we don't mind, and you don't matter!
- - [Waldorf is asleep. Statler wakes him up.]
- - Hey, you old fool! You slept through the show.
- - Who's a fool? You watched it.
- - Well, Waldorf, they finally made it to Broadway.
- - Yup, and I already got tickets.
- - You did? Are they good seats?
- - They sure are, they're for the next train out of town!
- - Yeah, that was different. Lousy...
- - (in unison) ...but different!
- - I liked that last number.
- - What did you like about it?
- - It was the LAST number!
- - That joke is so old, it makes you look young!
- - What did you think of that?
- - I liked it!
- - Ugh! You?! Uuuugh! (Bangs head on balcony edge three times) YOU... LIKED... THAT?!
- - No... I just wanted to see what you did if I said I did.
- - That seemed like something very different.
- - Did you like it?
- - No.
- - Then it wasn't different.
- - You know, the older I get, the more I appreciate good music.
- - What's that got to do with what we just heard?
- - Nothing, just thought I'd mention it.
- - That number scared the pants off of me.
- - Are you sure you didn't just forget to put them on?
- - This show brought a tear to my eye...
- - Really?
- - Yeah, I'm sitting on a tack.
- - Just when you think this show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
- - What?
- - It ends.
- - Ah, there's nothing like grand opera.
- - And that was nothing like it.
- - These seats are awful.
- - Why? Can't you see anything?
- - That's the problem. I can see everything.
- - This show is awful!
- - Terrible!
- - Disgusting!
- - See you next week?
- - Of course.
- - I have a good mind to go home.
- - If you had a good mind, you wouldn't be here in the first place.
- - That was wonderful!
- - Bravo!
- - I loved that!
- - Ah, that was great!
- - Well, it was pretty good.
- - Well, it wasn't bad...
- - Uh, there were parts of it that weren't very good though.
- - It could have been a lot better.
- - I didn't really like it.
- - It was pretty terrible.
- - It was bad.
- - It was awful!
- - It was terrible!
- - Take 'em away!
- - Bah, boo!
- - Boo!
- - More! More!
- - Quiet! They might hear you!
- - You know, this show really improves with age!
- - Why? Because the jokes get better?
- - No, because my hearing gets worse!
- - Why do we always come here?
- - I guess we'll never know
- - It's like a kind of torture...
- - (in unison) ...to have to watch this show!
- - Fozzie- And tonight, I'm going to try and put something new in my act
- - Yeah, like comedy maybe!
- - That was a great number, I've always liked pantomime.
- - That wasn't pantomime, your hearing aid's busted again!
- - [about a balloon]
- - Here. Can you tell anything about me from this?
- - Yeah, you've got a round shape, and you're full of hot air.
- - [balloon slips out of Waldorf's fingers and whirls around losing air]
- - Boo boo!
- - Said the men in the theater box...
- - [both] Don't boogie in the barnyard!
- - What was that about?
- - (Looks at his watch) That was about, uh, a minute-and-a-half.
- - The question is, what is a Mah Nà Mah Nà?
- - The question is, who cares?
- - Why did they want the igloo?
- - I don't know. Maybe somebody must have broken their ig.
- - This show's speeding along very quickly this evening.
- - Oh, yes. Someone must have told them that it's harder to hit a moving target.
- - Do you think we'll be entertained tonight?
- - Well I will... I brought a book!
- - Boo!
- - Boooo!
- - That was the worst thing I ever heard!
- - It was terrible!
- - Horrendous!
- - Well, it wasn't that bad.
- - Oh yeah?
- - There were parts of it I liked.
- - Yeah, I liked a lot of it.
- - Yeah, it was good, actually.
- - It was great!
- - It's wonderful!
- - Ah, bravo!
- - More!
- - More!
- - More!
- - More!
- - Brilliant!
- - Weh... that was terrible.
- - Oh it was good.
- - Nah, that was very bad.
- - Well, it was average.
- - Weh... it was in the middle there.
- - Ah, it wasn't that great.
- - I kind of liked it.
- - It was terrible.
- - I loved it!
- - Get 'em off!
- - More!
- Fozzie: Oh come on, didn't you even like my last joke?
- - Sure we liked it, if you promise it's your last one!
- - Oh well, at least its over now
- - What are you talking about, its only just beginning!
- - Oh why are we doomed to suffer? And why are those people watching voluntarily?!
- - How come all your impressions sound the same?
- - Fozzie: I can't help that, they were all written by the same writer.
- - He's got a point there.
- - Yeah, on his head!
- - The legend of Robin Hood will never die.
- - Yeah, but it sure got wounded pretty bad tonight.
- - Fantastic, incredible, they remind me a lot of puppets.
- - Ugh. Puppets, I always hated puppets
- - You're a traitor to your class.
- - What class, I never even graduated!
- - (In unison and crying) WHY US!!!
- - Terrific!
- - Ah, that's not clever. Anyone can drop their pants. ("Pants dropping" sound)
- - (Looks down on boxers) I didn't know you were Lithuanian.
- - Uh-oh. Better get out your old army uniform.
- - Yes. With a 108 angry countries, there's bound to be trouble.
- - Where is the land of the rising sun?
- - I don't know. I never get up that early.
- - You know, I really liked that.
- - Me too.
- - Are we in the right theatre?
- - Shakespeare would've hate that!
- - You should know! You dated his sister!
- - Boy, was she ugly.
- - (Gonzo has performed a dangerous stunt and hurt himself)
- - Maybe Gonzo should quit while he's ahead.
- - Gonzo should quit while he's alive!
- - That song had a nice beat.
- - No thank you, I don't want to eat.
- - I said beat! Why don't you turn up your hearing aid?
- - There's going to be a raid? Let's get out of here!
- - Hey, he just tried to drown us! What kind of act is that?
- - An act of mercy!
- - That's talent. An opera singer who tap-dances and sings cowboy songs. I wonder if there's anything she isn't good at.
- - Yes. Choosing what show to be on.
- - That was a great number, I don't care what you say.
- - I thought it was dumb.
- - Maybe you're right.
- - [sings] You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…
- - Why you old fool! I'm not your son and my name's not Shine!
- - What's wrong with you?
- - It's either this show or indigestion. I hope it's indigestion.
- - Why?
- - It'll get better in a little while.
- - [throws a rubber ring] Here, catch!
- - Waste of time. Nothing will save this show.
- - It's too bad Gonzo's leaving this show.
- - Yeah. I can think of some other people I'd rather see leave this show.
- - Who?
- - Me!
- - What do you suppose they call that? A novelty act?
- - Well, it wasn't too bad.
- - Well, that's a novelty!
- - So they blew up half the theater.
- - At least they blew up the right half.
- - (in unison) Theirs!
- - I now realize television has one major advantage over a live stage show.
- - What's that?
- - A television you can turn off!
- - You know, I love French singers.
- - I love French fries.
- - French fries? I don't get that.
- - You didn't order any!
- - You know, I'm really gonna enjoy tonight.
- - You plan to like this show?
- - No, I plan to watch television!
- - Personally I don't care for puppets much. I don't find them believable.
- - I don't believe you!
- - I think that number raises a pertinent question.
- - What's that?
- - Why did they do it?
- - I think honesty's always the best policy.
- - You believe that?
- - No, I was lying.
- - Well, that was different.
- - I should say so. So many of these songs are long and boring.
- - Yes, they finally managed one short and boring!
- - Does that mean they're getting better or worse?
- - You know something? That was a sweet number.
- - It sure was.
- - You know something else?
- - What?
- - I hate sweet numbers!
- - That number goes back a long way.
- - Well, it didn't go back far enough – I could still see it!
- - I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't watched it!
- - Believe what?
- - I don't know. I wasn't watching!
- - What kind of show would you call that?
- - Frankly, I'd call it "Quits".
- - (in unison) Quits! Quits!
- (talking to characters from Sesame Street)
- - How should we know how to get to Sesame Street?
- - We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!
- - Do you think this show is educational?
- - Yes. It’ll drive people to read books.
- - Pay up. They made it through another one.
- - Double or nothing for next week’s show?
- - You’re on.
- - (Statler is scratching his body)
- - I wonder why I’m so itchy.
- - Maybe the show’s starting to get under your skin!
- - You know, they can improve the whole show if they just changed the ending.
- - How?
- - With the ending closer to the beginning!
- - I thought for once the show really caught fire.
- - I thought it burned itself out, same as always!
- - Finally, we’ve seen them do a good show.
- - Good. Can we please stop coming now?
- - I can’t believe those rats were responsible for this show.
- - Why not? They were also responsible for the Bubonic Plague!
- - South Dakota!
- - South Dakota has nothing to do with this show.
- - That’s what I want. Nothing to do with this show!
- (It is snowing in the theater. Statler and Waldorf are shiviering)
- - We’ll get pneumonia!
- - Big deal. This show always makes us sick!
- - Well, you know, Waldorf, I gotta admit, I've never seen anything like that before.
- - Yeah, and with any luck, I'll never see anything like that again!
- - You know, this is my favorite part of the show.
- - What, the celebration?
- - No, the end!
Bunsen Honeydew 
- Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. And what a sad day it is too, for Beaker, my fickle and wayward assistant, has gone missing. -- The Muppet Show with Mac Davis, 1980.
Theme Song 
- It's time to play the music
- It's time to light the lights
- It's time to meet the Muppets
- On the Muppet Show tonight
- It's time to put on makeup
- It's time to dress up right
- It's time to raise the curtain
- On the Muppet Show tonight
- To introduce our guest star
- Is what I'm here to do
- So it really makes me happy
- To introduce to you...
- (Statler & Waldorf) [optional verse]
- Why do we always come here
- I guess we'll never know
- It's like a kind of torture
- To have to watch this show
- And now let's things started
- Why don't we get things started
- It's time to get things started
- On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational
- This is what we call the Muppet Show
- [ Gonzo strikes a gong]