Moved from Dylan Moran page 
- WHAT? WHAT? If you live in a house, by a river, but are not blind, WHAT?!!?- Mother's maiden name, whats her first name?, I JUST KNEW HER AS MA!, Ma, that'll have to do...Possibly deceased.
- Filling out tax form.
- Which one of you bitches wants to dance? Hey, you know when you're doing your usual threesome thing you do of a weekend, and the moonlight's bouncing off your heads and your arses and everything, does that not get a bit confusing? Right. This is you, ok? Tralalalalalalala! Millwall! That's the one! Do you know this one? Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful, and your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated..."
- In the episode "Cooking the Books" (S01E01), trying to provoke three skinheads
- Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.
- You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.
- I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.
- In reply to Manny's (played by Bill Bailey) question: Do you think I should wash my beard?
- Manny: Well the thing here… uhh, takings… £370.
- Bernard: That’s good.
- Manny: Yeah but your outgoings were over £1200.
- Bernard: Well… whores will have their trinkets.
- Manny - You are a filth wizard. Friend only to the pig and the rat. Ugh. Look? (opening an old box of pizza)
- Bernard - Pizza. I was going to warm it and eat it later. Everybody does that. That's normal. You are just looking for things to complain about.
- Manny - And what are these? [indicates bottom of box]
- Bernard - ...wasps.
- In the episode, "The Grapes of Wrath" (S01E03)
- I bet she washes her hair in streams and milks things.
- I’ve got to get a girlfriend, just for the summer, until this wears off. She’ll be a summery girl. She’ll have hair. She’ll have summery friends who know how to be outside. She’ll play tennis and wear dresses and have bare feet, and in the autumn, I’ll ditch her, because she’s my summer girl!
- In the episode, "The Fever" (S02E02)
- Fran: So what’s it like then, you know, fags and booze?
- Bernard: Well to be honest, after years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...
- Fran: Yep...
- Bernard: You know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that 400th glass of corner shop piss at 3am. You do sometimes look at yourself and think...
- Fran: Yep...
- Bernard: This is fantastic. I'm in heaven.
- Manny: "What are you eating?"
- Bernard: "It's some sort of delicious biscuit."
- Manny: "It's a coaster."
- Bernard: "Is it? Are there anymore?"
- Manny: Fran, get the wine!
- Bernard: What!? [sees that there was more alcohol left in the shop the whole time] Lies! Subterfuge! Seething corruption!
- From the episode "Party" (S03E06, the series finale), after discovering that Fran and Manny had hidden the last bottle of wine in the shop in order to trick him into going to a party he didn't want to attend.
From the bernards letter to the publisher
- Bernard's letter to the publisher:
Dear Mr Trussington Howell-Foxforthy,
Thank you for returning my manuscript and your enclosed nasty niminy-piminy little note. I am afraid your letter is most unsuitable for me at the present time as I've just spent the entire weekend writing the novel that you have summarily rejected. I can only assume that it is company policy to reject all manuscripts not submitted in 10-ft high Braille. And yes, I am aware, that it is traditionally bad form to respond to any kind of criticism or rejection. But in this, as with all else, I am an innovator. Therefore I may freely address you as pissmidget.
Still, there is time for you to change your views, and I think you will when we meet. And meet we most assuredly will, when I suck out your eyes and use them as stoppers for my ears to muffle the screams you'll make as I headbutt you into a fine paste. I do hope you will not be disheartened by your sudden, violent death.
Yours Faithfully, Bernard Black
Everyone... Everyone agreed he was right to kill the publisher. And to do it with a flugelhorn was a stroke of genius. "Bernard!" they said. No, Brendan, Brendan, "Brendan" they said. "Congratulations! Here, have this basket of stuff and come and stay for the weekend!"
220.127.116.11 07:51, 21 June 2012 (UTC)