The wife and marriage
- Take my wife—please!
- My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts eating.
- My wife wanted her face lifted. They couldn't do that. But for $80, they lowered her body.
- My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours, and that was only for the estimate.
- My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.
- Now she's on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight. But she can climb a tree!
- I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
- All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Spite, venom, and gleeful denunciations
- If there's never been a suicide in your family, why don't you break the monotony?
- If there's ever a price on your head, take it.
- I looked high and low for you. I didn't look low enough.
- What got you out of the woodwork?
- You're the kind of person I would like to have over when I have the measles.
- Some people bring happiness wherever they go. You bring happiness whenever you go.
- Look, I'm not going to engage in a battle of wits with you. I never attack anyone who is unarmed.
- I'd like to introduce you to some friends of mine. I want to break off with them.
- I like you—I have no taste—but I like you.
- The more I think of you the less I think of you.
- I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.
- When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- You have a ready wit. Let me know when it's ready.
- To Dean Martin—Dean, if you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
- Want to have some fun? Walk into an antique shop and ask: "What's new?"
- You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
- I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up—they have no holidays.
- He hit me among my face.
- I'm Henny Youngman the comedian, I'd perform at a wedding anywhere for a $100 dollars!
- A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
- I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.
- A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
- Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.