I hope these new posts I've add are ok. Maniwar 14:49, 18 August 2006 (UTC)
Wikiquote no longer allows unsourced quotations, and they are in process of being removed from our pages (see Wikiquote:Limits on quotations); but if you can provide a reliable and precise source for any quote on this list please move it to Jack Benny.
- A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
- Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
- I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
- I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
- My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
- It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.
- Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces
- Modesty is my best quality.
- Gags die, humor doesn't.
- (walking to his dressing room) Fibber McGee... and Molly. Burns... And Allen. Lady and... Here's mine.
- A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.
- When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it
- When they laugh at one of my jokes... it just gets me right here. [Places his hand on his heart]
- Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.
Quotes about Jack Benny (unsourced)
- Jack Benny played Mendelssohn last night. Mendelssohn lost.
- Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in. ~ Bob Hope
- I'd like to kill him but the Government needs the money. ~ Bob Hope
- When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks. ~ George Burns
- I liked Benny right away, he had something I enjoyed very much - a worse singing voice than mine. ~ George Burns
- “When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.” ~ Bob Hope
- Jack and Mary and Gracie and I were going to dinner one night and Gracie asked Mary, 'Is Jack really thirty-nine?' And Mary said, 'Ridiculous.' Then she asked, 'And how is his sex life?' and Mary said, 'Ridiculous!' ~ George Burns
- Jack was tremendously talented, and I can honestly say I've never heard anyone play the violin the way he did. And I'll always be grateful for that, too. ~ George Burns
- Jack's a great musician, and I'm a great actor. It takes a great actor to say Jack Benny is a great musician. ~ Bob Hope
- Last time Jack paid one hundred dollars a plate, it was to his dentist, Dr. Pincus. ~ Bob Hope
- Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up from the library and told me. ~ Bob Hope
- When Moshe Dayan heard him play (the violin), he took the patch off his eye and put it over his ear. ~ Dean Martin
- One night I was walking in my sleep and Mr. Benny put a vacuum cleaner in my hand. ~ Eddie Anderson (Rochestor)
- Before shoes were invented, Jack was a heel. ~ Fred Allen
- Jack has no more hair than an elbow. ~ Fred Allen
- There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes. ~ Fred Allen
- When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as if the strings are back in the cat. ~ Fred Allen
- He is so anemic that if he stays out at night, he has to get a transfusion so his eyes will be bloodshot in the morning. ~ Fred Allen
- When Jack Benny walks out in tails in front of ninety great musicians, he looks like the world's greatest violinist. It's a shame he has to play. ~ Isaac Stern
- (when asked how well her father played the violin) Well, let me put it this way. He doesn't play as well as Jascha Heifetz - but then, who does? ~ Joan Benny
- Benny has done more than raise millions of dollars to erase operating deficits of major orchestras. He has brought multitudes of people who would not otherwise be there into the concert halls to prove that music can be entertaining and rewarding. ~ Leonard Bernstein
- Last night, Jack Benny played Mendelssohn. Mendelssohn lost. ~ New York Post Critic
- His violin always plays off-key, but his humor is never off-color. ~ Ronald Reagan
- Jack Benny had style from the beginning. He stood straight and walked kind of sideways as if he were being gently shoved by a touch of genius. ~ William Saroyan
- There was one especially memorable moment . . . when Jack began a very difficult passage from Mendelssohn's Concerto, everyone in the orchestra turned and looked at Jack in wonder and amazement . . . they were playing Beethoven's Fifth at the time! ~ Zubin Mehta
- There's one particular moment during that concert that I shall recall as long as I live. Its when the entire audience jumped to its feet and shouted, 'More! More!' it was right after Jack had announced there would be a five-minute intermission! ~ Zubin Mehta