Talk:Saturday Night Live

I am not sure if this is ubiquitous enough to be placed in this post: "The Chronic(what!?)les of Narnia" - Parody rap by Andy Samberg and Chris Parnell in an SNL Digital Short

Format

The page does not seem to fit the format typical for this type of topic. Discuss. 71.127.0.31 02:59, 2 January 2008 (UTC)

Good point. I've added a cleanup tag, deleted the transcription of an entire scene (a copyright violation), and placed everything except the opening line under the standard "Unidentified episode" heading per Wikiquote:Templates/TV shows. I've also properly sourced the opening line with its first episode and date. I'm afraid I must leave the rest of the work for others, at least for now. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 03:37, 2 January 2008 (UTC)

Unsourced

Weekend Update

Seth Meyers: Last Tuesday, during his visit to Libya, President Bush was awarded the highest civilian honor...a meal.

Seth Meyers: The U.S. Government acknowledged that they have successfully shot down a damaged spy satellite and that the debris should be no larger than footballs...thousands of them...raining down in a toxic hellfire...so rest easy.

Tina Fey: Mel Gibson purchased a private island for $3 million. Having a home no where near any Jews...priceless.

Seth Meyers: A recent law passed in California has reduced the number of home schooled students in California. The parents home schooling these students called the law unfair and said it reminds them of how the Nazis tortured the Eskimos during the 1850s.

Chevy Chase: Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase and you're not.

Seth Meyers: A young boy had two spiders pulled out of his ears, after visiting the doctor, complaining of ear pain. So kids, if you ever have a pain in your ears, it's probably spiders.

Amy Poehler: President Bush threw out the first pitch Monday at Cincinnati's great American ball park. 18 Iraqis were killed.

Tina Fey: Osama bin Laden released his first new audio taped message in over a year. While there is some new material in the message, insiders say it's mostly a Greatest Threats collection. A White House spokesman says they plan to check out the message in its entirety, but they're too busy listening to your phone calls.

Amy Poehler: Funeral services for Pope John Paul II were held Friday and attended by a U.S. delegation that consisted of Bill Clinton, George Bush Senior, Condoleezza Rice, Laura Bush, President Bush and one well-hidden Game Boy.

Amy Poehler: The Olympic Torch was brought into Beijing this week, where it immediately suffered an asthma attack, and died.

Seth Myers: Scientists say that the use of sticks by monkeys, to determine how deep the water is, puts them closer to being considered human beings. The only obstacle in their path? IT'S NOT!

Seth Myers: Last week, a rare collection containing 301 pennies sold for about $10 billion dollars, far exceeding my prediction of three dollars and one cent.

Tina Fey: Spongebob Squarepants will begin airing in China now, so that millions of toy makers can finally see what the hell they're making.

Amy Poehler: An orca trainer almost drowned after being dragged down by it's orca to the bottom of the tank, he did however reveal the locations of three AL Qaeda hideouts.

Amy Poehler: Shocking News out of New York this week. Turns out the whistle-blower was having his whistle blown! (Referring to the | Elliott Spitzer prostitution scandal).

Tina Fey: [campaigning for Hilary] What bothers me the most is when people say Hilary is a bitch. And let me say something. Yeah she is! And so am I, and so is this one. [points at Amy who nods in agreement] You know what? Bitches get stuff done. That's why Catholic School use nuns as teacher and not priests. Those nuns are mean old queens, and they sleep on cots, and they're allowed to hit you. And at the end of the school year, you hated those bitches, but you knew the capital of Vermont! So I'm saying it's not too late, Texas and Ohio, get on board! Bitch is the new black!

[three episodes later; Tracy Morgan comes on and talks about Barack]

Tracy Morgan: In conclusion, three weeks ago, my girl Tina Fey, she came on the show and she declared, that "bitch is the new black." You know I love you Tina, you know you're my girl. But I have something to say. Bitch may be the new black, but black is the new president, bitch!

Amy Poehler: New York City is considered doubling it's cigarette tax, which would make a pack of cigarettes almost $9. Replied the smokers, "Ohmygod that's outrageous-alright-we'll-pay-it!

Seth Meyers: A new device has been invented for bartenders to squirt drug dealers inside their bar- this just in, a bartender has just been murdered by a bunch of angry wet drug dealers.

Amy Poehler: The price of stamps rose from 41 cents to 42 cents. "Aww, that's cute!" replied Oil.

Amy Poehler: A school in Kentucky has allowed students to smoke on campus, only in cages, while they wear a sticker showing what smoking does to your body. Replied the smokers, "Alright..."

Tracy Morgan: We are a racist country, the end!

Tracy Morgan: Barack is not just winning because he's a black man, if that was the case, I would be winning! And I'm WAY blacker than him!

Tracy Morgan: Barack's gotta stay away from the pastor, because he's too black.

Catch phrases/memorable quotes

• "Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead. But his condition is stable."
  • Chevy Chase on Weekend Update

• "Well, it's official, murder is now legal in the state of California."

--Norm MacDonald on Weekend Update, in response to the O.J. Simpson ruling

• "I'm Gumby dammit!"

--Eddie Murphy as Gumby

• "But nooooooo!"

--John Belushi

• "My name is Nooney. Look at my lips. Nooooooney!"

--Fred Armisen

• "Jane, you ignorant slut."

-- Dan Aykroyd on Point/Counterpoint in response to Jane Curtin's editorial.

• "He slept with all our wives... And we love him for that. To Bill Brasky!! (raises drink) He's a son of a bitch!

--Will Ferrell as Hank, the drunken employee on Bill Brasky.

• "We are two wild and crazy guys!"

--Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd as the Festrunk Brothers

• "I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not"

--Chevy Chase on Weekend Update

• "My father always used to say, it's always something. If it's not one thing, it's another"

--Gilda Radner

• "Never mind."

--Gilda Radner as Emily Litella, SNL News correspondent

• "You Look Mahvelous!"

--Billy Crystal as Fernando

• "Yeah, that's the ticket!"

--Jon Lovitz as Tommy Flanagan, Pathological Liar

• "Isn't That Special?"

--Dana Carvey as Church Lady

• "Ve are goink to pump (clap) you up!"

--Kevin Nealon and Dana Carvey as Hans and Franz

• "I'm all verklempt ... (sniff) ... talk amongst yourselves .. I'll give you a topic ...."

--Mike Myers as Linda Richman

• "Vould you like to touch my monkey?*"

-- Mike Myers as Dieter on "Sprockets"

• "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!"

-- Al Franken as Stuart Smalley

• "Excellent!"

--Dana Carvey and Mike Myers, Wayne's World

• "...Not!"

--Dana Carvey and Mike Myers, Wayne's World

• "We're not worthy!"

--Dana Carvey and Mike Myers, Wayne's World

• "Da Bears!"

--Chris Farley, Mike Myers, George Wendt, and Robert Smigel; Bill Swerski's Superfans

• '"You kids are probably saying to yourself, "Now, I'm gonna go out, and I'm gonna get the world by the tail and wrap it around pull it down and put it in my pocket!" Well, I'm here to tell you that you're probably gonna find out, as you go out there, that you're not gonna amount to JACK SQUAT!" You're gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese and living in a van down by the river!"

--Chris Farley as Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker

• "Buh-bye"

--David Spade

• "You guessed it – Frank Stallone"

--Norm MacDonald on Weekend Update

• "...which just goes to prove my theory – Germans love David Hasselhoff!"

--Norm MacDonald on Weekend Update

• "Simmah Down Nah!!!"

--Cheri Oteri as Nadine

• "Well, guess what?! I got a fever! And the only prescription...is more cowbell!"

--Christopher Walken, Blue Oyster Cult sketch

• "I Love it-Love it-Love it"

--Molly Shannon, Helen Madden, Joyologist

• "Super Star!"

--Molly Shannon, Mary Katherine Gallagher

• "Strategery"

--Will Ferrell as George W. Bush

• “That show was delightful. No, no, it was brilliant. No no no, no, there is no word to describe its perfection, so I’m forced to make one up, and I’m going to do so right now: scrumtrilescent.”

--Will Ferrell as James Lipton

• "Lockbox"

--Darrell Hammond as Al Gore

• "Baseball been berry, berry good to me."

--Garret Morris as Chico Escuela

• "It's the number one killer of domestic cats!"

-- Rachel Dratch as Debbie Downer (talking about feline AIDS)

• "You can't have-a de Mango!"

--Chris Kattan as Mango

• "That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!"

-- Colin Quinn on Weekend Update

• "Welcome to the...How Do You Say? Ah....Yes...Show!"

--Chris Kattan as Antonio Banderas

• "Sometimes when I get nervous, I put my fingers in my armpits and sniff them like that."

--Molly Shannon as Mary Katherine Gallagher

• "...and I went down to Times Square and watched a film called 'The Bush Doctrine.' It wasn't about politics." --Tina Fey as Govenor Palin

• "I can see Russia from my house." --Tina Fey as Govenor Palin

"The Continental" sketch

• The view from here...WOW!

• You know, it's not 'sham-pag-na' (sic) unless it's from the province of 'sham-pag-na' (sic). I learned that at bartending school...

• You can probably see your apartment from here (camera scans to see a gigantic telescope pointing out the window); and might I say you have great taste in under-garments.
  • Christopher Walken

Other quotes

• "What Not To Do When You Capture James Bond"

• "Good Night and Have a Pleasant Tomorrow"
  • Weekend Update closing line

• "I'm just keeeeeding!"
  • Fred Armisen, Ferecito and various hosts

• "You're a virgin, aren't you Begala?"
  • Darrell Hammond in refrence to Chris Kattan's impression of CNN reporter, Paul Begala.

• "Your World Scares Me"
  • Phil Hartman, Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

• "Can you know the mighty ocean? Can you lasso a star from the sky? Can you say to a rainbow... 'Hey, stop being a rainbow for a second'? No! Such is Mango!"
  • Chris Kattan as Mango

• "GET OFF THE DAMN SHED!"
  • Will Ferrell, Frank Henderson

• "I'm Kevin Nealon, and that's News to me"
  • Kevin Nealon on Weekend Update

• "Good Evening and What Can I Tell Ya?"
  • Dennis Miller on Weekend Update

• "Guess what folks, that's the news and I am outta here!"
  • Dennis Miller's end line on Weekend Update

• "Oh-Tay!"
  • Eddie Murphy, Buckwheat

• "Hi, I'm Buhweet, amemba me?!"
  • Eddie Murphy, Buckwheat

• "Tank you from our gang! Your gang ill lub it. Buy my record. Oh-Tay!"
  • Eddie Murphy, Buckwheat

• "Well ladies and gentlemen, I see the truth finally comes out... Opie Cunningham is a selfish bastard!"
  • Eddie Murphy, Raheem (Focus on Film)

• "Hello boys and girls! We all alone again today, you know why? My wife walked out on me! Isn't that nice? I'm so glad the bitch is gone!"
  • Eddie Murphy, Mister Robinson

• "Oh look, an eviciton notice brought by Mr. Landlord. My landlord is a scumbucket. Can you say scumbucket boys and girls? I bet you can..."
  • Eddie Murphy, Mister Robinson

• "Thank you, I'm Norm MacDonald. Now, the fake news"
  • Norm MacDonald on Weekend Update

• "You crazy bitch!"
  • Maya Rudolph as Donatella Versace

• [In response to "Are you guys brothers?"] "No... Yes!!!!!"
  • Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan during the skit: A Night at the Roxbury

• "Bobby McFerrin raped my grandmother!"
  • Alec Baldwin while having a pity fight with Kristen Wiig's character.

• The stars in the sky shine down 'cuz it's night. The lamb and that donkey just got in a fight.
  • Will Forte

• "That's right I'm Ivory, and all the pretty ladies want to get with me. I got a gold rolex and a pocket full of cash, I'm even more handsome than Hawkeye from M.A.S.H. Tens and Twenties, coming out my crack. So I'll go grease my gold to get some money back. I'm Out!"
  • Seth Meyers

• "Suck on it, Trebek. Suck it long, and suck it hard."
  • Darrell Hammond as Sean Connery (from the infamous "Celebrity Jeopardy!" sketches)

• "Bitch may be the new black. But black is the new president bitch!"