The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin

The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin is a novel and British sitcom starring Leonard Rossiter in the title role. Both the book and TV series were written by David Nobbs, and the screenplay for the first series was adapted by Nobbs from the novel.

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C.J.

"I didn't get where I am today..."

Series 1

"I didn't get where I am today without knowing a favourable report when I read one."
"I didn't get where I am today without knowing a real winner when I see one."
"I didn't get where I am today by selling ice cream tasting of bookends, pumice stone and West Germany."
"I didn't get where I am today by waffling."
"I didn't get where I am today without learning how to compromise."
"I didn't get where I am today by biting people in the changing room."
"I didn't get where I am today without knowing the Algarve when I see it."
"I didn't get where I am today by wearing underpants decorated with Beethoven."
"I didn't get where I am today by saying 'earwig' instead of 'thank you'."
"I didn't get where I am today without having a little champagne, not too much, just enough."
"I didn't get where I am today by talking about Dutch parking meter disease!"
"I didn't get where I am today by shaking hands with the person on my right!"
"I didn't get where I am today without getting letters from cranks."
"I didn't get where I am today without making enemies."
"I didn't get where I am today wondering what life's all about."
"I didn't get where I am today by thinking."
"I didn't get where I am today by going on and on about gumboots."
"I didn't get where I am today by knowing the difference between one foreign country and another."
"I didn't get where I am today without knowing there's no fun in getting where I am today."
"I didn't get where I am today without naming it the 'Reginald Perrin Memorial Foundation'."

Series 2

"I didn't get where I am today trusting the easy chairs."
"I didn't get where I am today by having lipstick on my face."
"I didn't get where I am today by posing as my long lost friend from the Argentine."
"I could practically destroy this firm if I started caring about people. I didn't get where I am today by caring about people."
"I didn't get where I am today by making room for broken reeds, lame ducks or stool pigeons."
"I didn't get where I am today indulging in hanky panky."
"I didn't get where I am today without recognising a front when I see one."
"I didn't get where I am today without recognising another front when I see one."
"I didn't get where I am today by having two black eyes."
"I didn't get where I am today by telling the truth."
"I didn't get where I am today without knowing a slight wobble when I enter one."
"I didn't get where I am today without knowing Grot will be a success."
"I didn't get where I am today without recognising another slight wobble when I enter one."
"I didn't get where you are today without knowing the night is darkest before the storm."
"I didn't get where you are today without being a bit of a stickler for offices."
"I didn't get where I am today without recognising "promising inroads" when I see them."
"I didn't get where I am today by having Irish labourers promoted over my head."
"I didn't get where I am today without recognising a completely useless machine when I see one."
"I didn't get where I am today by serving Welsh people."
"I didn't get where I am today by calling it Grotfabrieken Rubbishhausen."
"I didn't get where I am today without asking for 10p for a cup of tea, Guv."

Series 3

"I didn't get where I am today by being nice."
"I didn't get where I am today without recognising a rib-tickling play on words when I hear one."
"I didn't get where I am today by having green frogs thrust down my crotch."
"I didn't get where I am today by changing nappies."
"I didn't get where I am today without recognising a person who doesn't pull his weight."
"I didn't get where I am today by telling undertakers from anyone else."
"I didn't get where I am today listening to married couples squabble like children."
"I didn't get where I am today learning about the 'them and us' situation which bedevils British industry so tragically."
"I didn't get where I am today by sleeping with sweaty, Caledonian chefs."
"I didn't get where I am today without recognising Success City, Arizona when I see it."
"I didn't get where I am today by tearing money into small pieces!"
"I didn't get where I am today by touching everybody!"
"I didn't gergle where I am todergle without recognising a mergle that looks like rain when I see one."
"I didn't get where I am today by playing 'mothers and fathers'."
"I didn't get where I am today by looking a gift horse in the mouth. Or by going down with a sinking ship."
"I didn't get where I am today by drinking a liquid that's only been tested on pencils."
"I didn't get where I am today by being disguised as half a compost heap!"
"I didn't get where I am today by everything smelling of a Bolivian unicyclist's jockstrap!"

The Legacy of Reginald Perrin (Series 4)

"I didn't get where I am today without knowing God moves in mysterious ways."
"I didn't get where I am today by looking a gift horse in the bush."
"I didn't get where I am today without being pleased to come."
"I didn't get where I am today by being absurd."
"I didn't get where I am today by throwing money into the hands of overpaid lawyers."
"I didn't get where I am today by sounding like a cheese."
"I didn't get where I am today by pouring cold water over a wet blanket."
"I didn't get where I am today without being able to see which way the wind is blowing."
"I didn't get where I am today by comparing Jimmy to Sir Winston Churchill."
"I didn't get where I am today without knowing a burglar type when I see one."
"I didn't get where I am today by sweating my guts out over a bloodless revolution."
"I didn't get where I am today without striking while the bird in the hand is hot."
"I didn't get where I am today by apologising."
"I didn't get where I am today by using and discarding people like old socks."
"I didn't get where I am today by taking over the government."
"I didn't get where I am today by caring about ginger-headed strangers."
"I didn't get where I am today feeling like a fish out of water but you can't make him drink."
"I didn't get where I am today without spending lolly to earn even more lolly."
"I didn't get where I am today by being a good chap."
"I didn't get where I am today by booking more coaches."
"I didn't get where I am today without knowing a shrewd idea when I hear one."
"I didn't get where I am today without knowing this is the age of the media."
"I didn't get where I am today without the Lake District is full."
"I didn't get where I am today without wondering who has betrayed us."
"I didn't get where I am today by being upset by being 'sent to Birmingham'."

Muddled proverbs etc.

Series 2

"Proliferation is the thief of time"
"What the eye doesn't see is goose for the gander"
"There's no smoke without the worm turning"
"It's the early bird who catches the quick brown fox"
"No need to beat around the mulberry bush"
"Let's hope I'm not a fait accompli worse than death"

Series 3

CJ: "Absence is better than a cure." Reggie: "Prevention makes the heart grow fonder."
"After all, the proof of the pudding is caviar to the general" (spoken by Reggie, not CJ)
"...a different kettle of fish out of water"
"The only good ringer's a dead ringer"
"...the pot calling the kettle a silver lining"
"It's a long lane that gathers no moss"
"Sacrifice never killed the cat"
"Every silver lining has a cloud"
"Out of the mouths of babes and little children"
"Run it up the flagpole, see if the rats desert a sinking ship"
"...spoil the ship for a ha'peth of spilt milk"
"Trumpet call of duty"
"The ugly duckling that prevented the goose from laying the golden egg"
"The morning after the Lord Mayor's show before"
"It's never too late for a leopard to change horses in midstream"
"Never outstay your doodah"
"In and out like lamb's tails"
"Leave no worm unturned"
"The only good ringer is a dead ringer."

1982 Christmas Special

"I'm not an ostrich who buries his head under a bushel"
"Good news is better than no broth"

Series 4 (Legacy of Reginald Perrin)

"The early bird catches a cold"
"...burnt your cakes..."
"Not that I'm counting my chickens before they spoil the broth"
"Never look a gift horse in the bush"
"...the exception that closes the stable door"
"Nine's company, ten's a crowd"
"I'm drawn to clichés like a moth to a long lane"
"I don't want to pour cold water on a wet blanket"
"That's the fly in the woodpile"
"We'll cross those legs when we come to them"
"Correct me if I've got the wrong end of the gist"
"You can't tell a book by its silver lining"
"That's the pot calling the kettle a horse of a different colour"
"The night is always darker before the mast"
"If at first you don't succeed, you'll catch the early worm"
"We've put the cart before the egg"
"I believe in striking while the bird in the hand is hot"
"The theft of invention is the mother and father of a lie"
"...a square peg in a round poke"
"If at first you don't succeed, then the mountain must go to Mahomed"
"Time is the procrastination of thieves"
"I want the whole thing caught in the bud"
"Have I put the cat in the china shop?"
"The pigeons are well and truly out of the bag"
"A leopard never changes his spots twice in the same place"
"You've opened a whole new can of pots, calling the kettle by another name"
"I feel like a fish out of water, but can't make him drink"
"A rose by any other name sometimes changes its spots"
"We're putting the cart before the trees"
"So I'm sent to Birmingham?"
"People who live in glass houses shouldn't cast beams into the moat"
"We couldn't see the broth for the trees because of all the cooks"

Reggie

"Eleven minutes late..."

Series 1 (as Reginald Perrin, Sunshine Desserts)

"Eleven minutes late, staff difficulties, Hampton Wick."
"Eleven minutes late, signal failure at Vauxhall."
"Eleven minutes late, staff shortages, Nine Elms."
"Eleven minutes late, derailment of container truck, Raynes Park."
"Eleven minutes late, seasonal manpower shortages, Clapham Junction."
"Eleven minutes late, defective junction box, New Malden."
"Eleven minutes late, overheated axle at Berrylands."
"Eleven minutes late, defective axle at Wandsworth."
"Eleven minutes late, somebody had stolen the lines at Surbiton."

Series 2 (as Martin Wellbourne, Sunshine Desserts)

"Seventeen minutes late, defective bogey at Earlsfield."
"Seventeen minutes late, water seeping through the cables at Effingham Junction - there was a lot of Effingham and a good deal of Blindingham!"

Series 2 (as Reginald Perrin, Grot)

"Twenty-two minutes late, black ice at Norbiton."
"Twenty-two minutes late, obstacles on the line at Berrylands."
"Twenty-two minutes late, badger ate a junction box at New Malden."
"Twenty-two minutes late, fed up by train delays, came by bike. Slow puncture at Peckham."
"Twenty-two minutes late, escaped puma, Chessington North."

"Take a letter, Joan..."

Series 1 (Sunshine Desserts)

                                                        Geoff Maynard,
                                                       Randall's Farm,
                                                       Nether Somerby, 
Dear Sir,
Thank you for your letter of the 7th inst. I am sorry that
you are finding it inconvenient to change over to the Metzinger scale.
Let me assure you that many of our suppliers are already finding the new
scale is the most realistic method of grading plums and greengages. With
the advent of metrification, [the phone starts to ring] I feel confident that
[the phone is still ringing] the bloody phone will ring all day...

                                                          L.D. Mayhew,
                                                        Mile End Farm,
                                                   Bumstead St. Peter,
Dear Sir, 
Thank you for your letter of the 8th. I'm sorry but we won't
be able to renew the contract for your rhubarb due to the new Common
Market agreement we have undertaken to buy the new Euro-rhubarb from
France,in exchange for Euro-plums which are re-exported to Italy
in exchange for Dutch greengages from Austria. In the circumstances, I...
[he feels ill and leaves for a check-up with Doc Morrissey].

                                                     The Traffic Manager, 
                                          British Rail (Southern Region),  
Dear Sir, 
Every morning my train is eleven minutes late. This is infuriating. This
morning I took a later train. This also was eleven minutes late. This also
was infuriating. Why don't you re-time all your trains to arrive eleven
minutes late? - then they will all be on time.

                                                             The Manager, 
                                                Get-It-Quick Supermarket, 
                                                      Get-It-Quick House, 
                                                         77 Car Park Rd., 
                                                              Birmingham, 
Dear Sir, 
Thank you for your comments of the 27th ult. Your complaints about late
delay are not only completely unjustified, but also ungrammatical. The
fault lies in your inability to fill in an order form correctly. You are,
in effect, a pompous illiterate baboon.

                                                  The Traffic Manager, 
                                       British Rail (Southern Region),  
Dear Sir, 
Despite my letter of Friday last, I see you have still taken no action in
the matter of the late-arrival of trains at Waterloo. This morning my train
arrived, as always, eleven minutes late. It is rapidly becoming apparent
to me that you are not only not competent enough to hold your job, but you
could not even run a game of strip-poker in a Turkish brothel. It should
be obvious, even to a retarded Belgian hamster, that all of your trains
should be re-timed to take eleven minutes longer.  

Yours Faithfully, 
Reginald I. Perrin  

PS: During the pollen season, Peter Cartwright's sneezing is rather
offensive to those of us who, like myself, are allergic to sneezing. Today
he blew his nose on the Greater Manchester Development Plan supplement,
which is of sound enough environmental comment, but not a pretty sight.
Why don't you divide your carriages into 'sneezers' and 'non-sneezers'?

Series 2 (Grot)

                                                          The Manager, 
                                                            Grot shop, 
                                                              Radford,  
Dear Sir, 
I am sorry to hear you have not yet received your supply of edible
furniture. This can only be due to the non-arrival of supplies. I am,
however, deeply disturbed to hear that you have not yet received our new
range of dentures for pets, which are proving so popular with bloody silly
idiots who put little doggie dentures in glasses of water beside their
kennels, and little budgie dentures in even smaller glasses of water
beside their cages....

                                                           The Manager, 
                                                             Grot shop, 
                                              Ebbw Vale (near Hamburg), 
                                                           Welsh Wales,  
Dear Sir, 
It has come to my notice that you have been serving Welsh people in your
shop.  I wouldn't have thought I'd have to tell you about this.  I want no
more Welsh people served from now on.  
Yours etc.,  
yachy da.

Tony Webster

"Great!" (series 1&2)
"Knockout!" (series 3)

He found a new catchphrase for series 2 and 3, describing things as though the nouns were...

American cities

Series 2

"Dramatic happenings in Jelly City"
"Sensations in Triflesville"
"Panic City"
"Rushed-off-our-feetsville"

Series 3

"Success City, Arizona"
"Cards-on-the-tablesville"
"Crudesville, Arizona"
"Good Newsville, Arizona"
"Culture City, Arizona"
"Titty City, Arizona"
"Aggression City, Arizona"
"Machismoville, Wyoming"
"Dullsville, Arizona"
"Bad News City, Arizona"
"Results City, Arizona"
"Ciao City, Arizona"

1982 Xmas Special

"Gatheringville, Arizona"
"Generosityville, Arizona"

David Harris-Jones

"Super!"

Tom

"I'm (not) a <whatever> person"

Series 1

"I'm not a heat person"
"I'm a fish person"
"I'm not a cricket person"
"I'm a coffee person"

Series 2

"I'm not a mystery person"
"I'm not a cork person"
"I'm not a basket person"
"I'm not a thanks person"
"I'm not a pig person"
"I'm a cold and wet person"
"I'm not really a campaign person"
"I'm not really a slogan person"
"I'm a publicity person"
"I'm not a flower person"
"I'm not a champagne person"
"I'm a happiness person"

Series 3

"I'm not a sport person"
"I'm not a joke person"
"I'm not a 'pulling my weight' person"
"I'm very much a house-buying person"
"I'm are people people person"
"I'm not a 'testing things on animals' person"
"I'm not a goodbye person"

Series 4 (Legacy of Reginald Perrin)

"I'm not a money person"
"I'm not an absurdity person"
"I'm not a commitment person"
"I'm not a Greek dancing person"
"I'm not a pomposity person"
"I'm a maturity person"
"I'm not a slogan person"
"I'm a traditional jazz band person"

Wines and spirits

Prune
Fig
Sprout
Turnip
Parsnip
Nettle
Banana gin
Pineapple gin
Rhubarb
Passion fruit
Fig nouveau
Cauliflower Chardonnay

Dialogue

Reggie: So come on, Jimmy, who are you going to fight when this balloon of yours goes up?

Jimmy: Forces of anarchy: wreckers of law and order. Communists, Maoists, Trotskyists, neo-Trotskyists, crypto-Trotskyists, union leaders, Communist union leaders, atheists, agnostics, long-haired weirdos, short-haired weirdos, vandals, hooligans, football supporters, namby- pamby probation officers, rapists, papists, papist rapists, foreign surgeons - headshrinkers, who ought to be locked up, Wedgwood Benn, keg bitter, punk rock, glue-sniffers, Play For Today, squatters, Clive Jenkins, Roy Jenkins, Up Jenkins, up everybody's, Chinese restaurants - why do you think Windsor Castle is ringed with Chinese restaurants?

Reggie: You realise the sort of people you're going to attract, don't you Jimmy? Thugs, bully-boys, psychopaths, sacked policemen, security guards, sacked security guards, racialists, Paki-bashers, queer-bashers, Chink-bashers, basher-bashers, anybody-bashers, Rear Admirals, queer Admirals, Vice-Admirals, fascists, neo-fascists, crypto-fascists, loyalists, neo- loyalists, crypto-loyalists.

Jimmy: Do you really think so? I thought support might be difficult.

Elizabeth: Have a nice day at the office!

Reggie: I won't!

Elizabeth: Did you have a good day at the office?

Reggie: No ... what's for dinner?

Doc Morrissey: Do you find you can't finish the crossword like you used to, nasty taste in the mouth in the mornings, can't stop thinking about sex, can't start doing anything about sex, wake up with a sweat in the mornings, keep falling asleep during "Play For Today"?

Reggie: That's extraordinary, Doc! That's exactly how I've been feeling.

Doc Morrissey: So have I. I wonder what it is? Take two aspirins.

Reggie: Look, I came here for a balanced three-course meal - ravioli, ravioli and ravioli. I like ravioli.

Reggie: Time and motion wait for no man.

C.J.: The computer has processed the results of the smelling.

Reggie: Ah!

C.J.: Exactly. As you so rightly say "Ah!" This is what smell number one reminded its smellers of: five people - mountains, four people - snow, three people - fresh water, two people - large forest, one person - Bolivian unicyclist's jockstrap!

Reggie: This is extraordinary, C.J.!

C.J.: Smell number two: nine people - herbs, one each for: lavender, thyme, marjoram, spice factory, heather and Bolivian unicyclist's jockstrap!

Reggie: This is astonishing, C.J.!

C.J.: Smell number three, and a greater degree of unanimity: fourteen people - roses. But!

Reggie: But!

C.J.: One person - Bolivian unicyclist's jockstrap!

Reggie: I can hardly credit this, C.J.

C.J.: It's the same sorry story for all ten smells.

Reggie: Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear.

C.J.: I didn't get where I am today by everything smelling of Bolivian unicyclist's jockstraps!

Colin Pillock: Mr. Perrin. Are you trying to tell me that you're providing a valuable social service?

Reggie: No.

Colin Pillock: But you just said you did.

Reggie: Exactly. I'm not trying to tell you, I'm succeeding. If I'd said "I like squashy bananas" I would have been failing to say "I am providing a valuable social service", but I didn't say "I like squashy bananas", I said "I am providing a valuable social service", thus succeeding brilliantly in saying "I am providing a valuable social service".

Labour Exchange Clerk : Why did you leave Sunshine Desserts?

Reggie: I was, er, ooh, sacked. When I say "I don't want to commute", I am prepared to travel a small distance, of course.

Labour Exchange Clerk : Why were you sacked?

Reggie: Well, I sort of staged a fake suicide and, er, came back as my long lost friend from... The company car isn't absolutely essential and I am prepared to work weekends.

Colin Pillock: It's my great pleasure to welcome back Reginald Perrin, the former head of the amazing Grot shops chain. I understand you're now running a community called "Perrins", Mr. Perrin?

Reggie: Yes.

Colin Pillock: It's been described as a community for the middle-aged and the middle-class in what used to be Middlesex.

Reggie: Yes.

Colin Pillock: Tell me, Mr. Perrin, are you running this community for the benefit of humanity, or simply to make money, or is it a giant confidence trick?

Reggie: Yes.

Colin Pillock: I hope you're not going to tie yourself to this monosyllabic repetition of "yes".

Reggie: No.

Colin Pillock: Oh good, because our viewers might think it a waste of time for you to come here and say nothing BUT "yes".

Reggie: Yes.

Colin Pillock: So, which of them is it, Mr. Perrin? A social venture for the benefit of mankind? Purely a commercial venture? Or a con trick?

Reggie: Yes. It's all three of them. That's the beauty of it.

Colin Pillock: What kind of people come to this community?

Reggie: Well, at the moment we've got a stockbroker, an overworked doctor, an underworked antiques shop owner, a disillusioned imports manager, and an even more disillusioned exports manager. Three sacked football managers, a fortune teller who's going to have a nervous breakdown next April, a schoolteacher who's desperate because he can't get a job, a schoolteacher who's even more desperate because he has got a job, an extremely shy vet, an overstressed car salesman and a pre-stressed concrete salesman. People with sexual problems, people with social problems, people with work problems, people with identity problems. People with sexual, social, work and identity problems. People who live above their garages, and above their incomes, in little boxes on prestige estates where families are two-tone, two-car and two-faced. Money has replaced sex as a driving force, death has replaced sex as a taboo, and sex has replaced bridge as a social event for mixed foursomes, and large deep freezes are empty except for twelve sausages. They come to Perrins in the hope that they won't be ridiculed as petty snobs, but as human beings who are bewildered at the complexity of social development, castrated by the conformity of a century of mass production, and dwarfed by the immensity of technological progress which has advanced more in fifty years than in the rest of human existence put together, so that when they take their first tentative steps into an adult society shaped by humans but not for humans, their personalities shrivel up like private parts in an April sea.

Colin Pillock: I, er, I see...

Reggie: Not too monosyllabic for you, I hope?