The Angry Video Game Nerd

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The Angry Video Game Nerd is an Internet TV series based on a fictional character created and portrayed by James D. Rolfe. In each episode, the nerd reviews a terrible video game and rants about it while using dirty language. Mike Matei helps Rolfe by playing characters in certain episodes (Bugs Bunny, The Joker etc.) Kyle Justin sings and plays the theme song written by Rolfe. The first two episodes were made in 2004 by Rolfe as a joke to his friends. But in 2006 Matei suggested to Rolfe that it should become a regular series.


Contents

Pilots[edit]

Castlevania II: Simon's Quest[edit]

[First line of the series]
AVGN: This game sucks.

AVGN: (Complaining about how the game regularly interrupts itself with long, unskippable day-to-night transitions with a text box saying "WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE.") Why did they think that that would be a good idea and interrupt the gameplay? Did they think it would be more realistic? I mean in real life, I don't have to stop in my tracks when the sun sets, and the fucking box doesn't pop up in the air. I mean, this is one of the most annoying features in any game ever. What's the point? Yeah now, I mean, the monsters are stronger at night and the stores are closed, but why is that necessary and why does the game have to stop? It's fucking retarded. And why do you have to die when you fall in the water? That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. This guy can go all over fighting hordes of evil monsters, but he can't even fucking swim?

AVGN: Oh look, I finally have enough hearts to go and buy a plant that I need to cross the swamp. Now let me get to the store. (Nighttime falls) Oh shit! It's fucking nighttime. Now the stores are all closed and I have for it to turn day again. Oh well, I might as well kill some zombies in the meantime and stock up on some more hearts. (Jumps in the water and dies) OH SHIT! Now I gotta start all over again!

AVGN: Here in the dungeons, there's books that you may find, which actually give you clues about things in the game that you may need to know about, but when I find these books, half the time it's by accident, so I may hit the button and cancel it out, which means that I don't even get to read it and I don't have a second chance. Why can't I do that when it changes from day to night? That would actually be helpful. So what the game designers figured is this: It isn't absolutely necesssary for me to read about how to find Dracula's castle, or what I'm supposed to do with an oak stake, but what I do need to read, again and again, constantly, is: "THE MORNING SUN HAS VANQUISHED THE HORRIBLE NIGHT." How about vanquish this horrible game?

AVGN: (Using the password feature to skip to the end of the game having to input 16 characters) The only sure way to get through this awful game is to enter a code. But even that is way more tedious than it should be. While most of the Castlevania games have symbols you enter for a code, this one just has a whole bunch of numbers. I mean like, one of those (four character) little parts would be enough for a password but why four? Why so many? In general, I hate games that have passwords like this because sometimes they have uppercase and lowercase letters. Like the L's look like I's. The zeros look like O's. The eights look like fives. So why does there have to be like so many digits? I mean, why can't there be just numbers or something? I mean, just numbers and not letters? It takes me, like, five minutes to enter this code when it should only take like five seconds. It's friggin' stupid. Okay, so, say we enter the code and we go to Dracula's castle. You'll be pretty disappointed how anti-climactic this game is. It isn't even worth putting in a code, let alone playing the whole game all the way through - which, if you did, I feel bad for you.

AVGN: What a piece of shit. I mean, I feel horrible that I had to play this game in order to make this video. But I did it to demonstrate its dreadfulness and I forced myself to play it just so that you don't have to. So you should thank me for telling you to stay away from this horrible, steaming pile of goat shit.

AVGN: Thank you for listening, good night... The ending sucks too.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde[edit]

AVGN: Castlevania II: Simon's Quest may be a pretty bad game... but it is God compared to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

AVGN: With Simon's Quest, you heard the sincerity in my voice. But now, see the sincerity in my eyes. ...This game is FUCKING HORRIBLE!! It's fucking horrible! ...I mean... I-it's like... like, Pong is better. Pong is only like three lines and a ball. Those little Tiger, like, electronic wrist games, those are better than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It makes no fucking sense! It's like, what were they thinking? Like, I seriously can't believe how BAD that fucking game is! It's so bad, that I'm not even gonna show it to you, because, it's just... (sighs and drinks Rolling Rock)

AVGN: (looking at the cartridge) There it is, here's the piece of shit game. (looks at the price tag, which reads 89 cents) Who the hell spent this much fucking money on this game?

AVGN: No matter how curious you are, just do yourself a favor and never play it because you will be wishing for the rest of your life that you can invent a time machine and go back to the day you played that game and just fucking kill yourself. I mean, if you ever find the game, if you ever see it, smash it. Smash it with a hammer. Smash it 'til every tiny fragment is, like, is so small it's invisible. I mean... You'd rather superglue your asshole shut than play that game. You'd rather drown in gasoline. You'd rather... you know, the thing is... you think I'm joking, like I'm trying to be funny or something. No, the fact that that game exists is a horrible abomination of mankind. That game is so fucking horrible, and I am not kidding. I am dead fucking serious. (close-up of the Nerd) Dead... fucking... serious!

Season One[edit]

The Karate Kid[edit]

AVGN: Well, let me be honest with you about this one. Hoo boy. I hate this game. I mean, it makes me want to kill myself. Now, the only comforting thing to know is that everybody seems to share my frustration. Karate Kid is a game that has haunted many of our childhoods. I mean, everybody has the same story. "I love the movie, so I got the Nintendo game, and I couldn't stand it. Yet I had to keep on playing it because I had to beat it." So, what is it about this game that's drawn so many unfortunate kids to turn into bitter adults, reminiscing on their angry childhood, screaming at the TV, throwing the controllers? I mean, anybody who has beaten this incredibly hard piece of shit will not have any sense of satisfaction, but rather regrets, because it is a complete waste of fucking time. I mean, it's like coming out of a brutal fight, being the winner, but achieving nothing for all your troubles but some bloody bruises and broken bones. It's just not worth it.

AVGN: I hate this game. But why am I playing it? Well, that's the question everyone has asked themselves, and they all have the same reason: Because you're angry, and you wanna win. You wanna beat the Nintendo. But the cold fact is that nobody cares but you.

AVGN: I mean, I guess they decided because the game's only four levels long, it better be the hardest four levels ever. Well, how about this? How about if I made a game where there's just this one cliff you have to jump over and it's like nearly impossible. But if you do it, you win the game and that's it. I mean, what the hell were they thinking with this piece of shit? ...What the hell? Now, if you're a serious Nintendo collector, do yourself a favor: Don't get this game because it's not worth it. I mean, it's made many lives miserable and, you know, if you see it on sale for a dollar, just stay away. Don't even touch it. (spits on the game and then flushes it down the toilet)

Who Framed Roger Rabbit[edit]

AVGN: All right, I haven't played this one in a while so let's give it a chance. All right, well this is really an inconvenience having to search for Stuff. Look at this, you go around and you search for things. "Searching"..."It's Empty" It's so slow. (punches Roger) Now this is kinda fun though, you get to punch people. We're going to beat up Roger Rabbit now. (Super punches him) Yeah! The only thing that's really annoying is that it takes so long to charge that punch. (tries again and misses) Ugh! You know what? It isn't fun. You know, it just isn't at all. It's just a pain in the fucking ass!

AVGN: (talking to a lady after punching her) "CAN YOU HELP ME", "GO AWAY YOU HORRID MAN" How about "Go away you horrid game"?

AVGN: And how is this cat going to kill you? (gets game over and sees a 20 character password) And look at this, this is the longest password ever, would it have killed them to make this any shorter? It takes forever like, why should any game take like 10 minutes to type in the fucking password?

AVGN: (calling Jessica Rabbit on the phone) This is Jessica Rabbit? Well I got your number and I'm calling just to say "Fuck you!"
Jessica Rabbit: I hope you're proud of yourself!
AVGN: Yeah, well I hope you're proud of yourself, and you know what I mean, you fucking whore!
Jessica Rabbit: I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.
AVGN: Yeah, well, wait until I draw your suicide note in your own blood, you bunny fucking bitch. I'm coming over and I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill your whole motherfucking family! (returns to playing the game) ...All right, well now that I got that out of my system, let's continue with the game.

AVGN: Now, there's only one item for sale at a time so you have to leave the store and you come back in and then there's something different there. So if you're looking for something in particular, you have to keep leaving the store and coming back in. Like, imagine if in real life, like if I walked into a liquor store and I wanted Rolling Rock, and all they had was Budweiser just sitting on a box next to the counter. So then I have to leave and have to come back in again and then there's something else, and I have to keep walking in and out the door 'til I get what I want. It's just, like, what were they thinking?

AVGN: (at the finale of the game) So, then you get to Judge Doom, and he's, like, impossible. And most of the things you have are just useless... You have a gun which really doesn't do anything... You know what? I'm not even gonna punish myself anymore with this piece of shit. All right, the game sucks, end of story. I wanna nail Roger Rabbit to the fucking cross.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles[edit]

AVGN: You may even think I'm trying to compare it to the sequels, which are far superior. Two-player, arcade action, beat up a bunch of foot soldiers, good stuff. But this first one is garbage. And you may be like, y'know, "C'mon, it's the first of its kind, be easy on it." But, no. It sucks. It sucks ass from a straw. And you wanna know why? Well... where do I begin?

AVGN: April O'Neill says, "You have my support." Okay, what the hell did she ever do for you? Stupid banana raincoat-wearing bitch!

AVGN: So here's a pop quiz. Who were the target audience for this game? Kids. Kids who were fans of Ninja Turtles. Now you think they would've actually put more Ninja Turtle characters in the game, like uh... Baxter Stockman, The Rat King, Krang? I mean, it's not like Krang was like a minor character that came the fifth season of the show. Krang was right there from the beginning. So, like, there's no excuse! There was no excuse not to have them there. I mean, instead, make way for, uh, the missle balloons, flying robot head, those little butterfly things, Mr. Fireman. (drinks Rolling Rock) And, why don't you hear the Ninja Turtles theme song anywhere in the game? What a piece of shit!

AVGN: [in the sewers level, as an enemy causes the on-screen turtle to fall in rushing water] Oh, you son of a fuck! And you know what pisses me off? They're turtles, for fuck's sakes! They can't even swim!?

AVGN: Cowabunga... Cowa fucking piece of dog shit! This game is diarrhea coming out of my dick! This game is as appealing as a fucking ooze-infested dirty fucking sewer rat shit! I've had more fun playing with dog turds! Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls! This game is an inside-out asshole regurgitating putrid anal fecal matter! I'd rather fucking yank all the hairs out of my scrotum! I'd rather drink diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's anus! It sucking fucks, it fucking sucks, it fucking blows, it's a piece of shit... and I don't like it.

Back to the Future[edit]

AVGN: This game is so bad, I really don't want to play it. ...But Darth Vader came from the planet Vulcan and said that he'd melt my brains if I don't, so, I don't have a choice.

AVGN: (on the repetitive music) I'd rather have a fucking buffalo take a diarrhea dump in my ear than subject them to this horrendous garbage.

AVGN: (on the nonsensical in-game representation of Hill Valley and all the obstacles Marty McFly must deal with) What happened here? Is this Hill Valley, or is it Hell?
Doc Brown: No, it's Hill Valley, although I can't imagine Hell being much worse!
AVGN: I never knew a hula hoop girl could be so deadly. Why does she want to kill Marty, anyway?
Marty: He's an asshole!
AVGN: Not to mention, it doesn't even look like Marty. Look at that black helmet-head! Also, when did he ever wear that sleeveless black shirt? Oh look, I got a bowling ball. Remember that in the movie? Remember when Marty goes around throwing bowling balls at people? Whose idea was this?
Old Biff: Buttheads.
AVGN: What were they thinking?!

AVGN: And what the fuck is Marty doing when he gets killed? It looks like he's having some kind of seizure. I mean, I guess I'd have a seizure too if there were bees and hula hoop girls and all this weird shit coming at me. I mean, just leave me alone! I'm trying to collect clocks!

AVGN: Like if I just shit into a bag and wrote "Back to the Future" on it, that would be the same as this awful piece of shit. It brings my piss to a boil. What a piece of shit! ...I'll never play it again either. It's my last time. I'd rather eat out the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk than play this game, ever again. And I'm dead serious too. And you know what's worse? You know what's really worse? Guess what? ...There's a SEQUEL!
Marty: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
AVGN: [playing Back to the Future II & III] Yes, it's true. Back to the Future II & III. Two shitty games for the price of one. Let's check it out. (The DeLorean appears onscreen) Holy shit, look, the DeLorean! Now I remember THAT from the movie! Not so much the piranhas, the snails, the weird face, the running frog, the bouncy thing, the thing in the sewer that comes out and kills Marty, the little dinosaurs, the cloud that drops pellets, and whatever the fucking goddamn hell that is. And look at those! What are they? Goombas? And the spikey thing ripped right off of Super Mario Bros? Fucking slackers!!

AVGN: So... let's end on a positive note. There's gotta be one good thing about this game, and I know what it is. ...It fits in a toaster. (puts the game in a toaster and burns it)

M.C. Kids[edit]

AVGN: So there's Ronald with his magic bag. A bag of hallucinogenic drugs. I always thought that clown was one scary motherfucker.

AVGN: So, then you go to Grimace's board. There's Grimace, the big purple fuck. Look at his house, it looks like Barney the Dinosaur's testicle!

AVGN: (Explaining a 1-Up gathering trick) So, if you have an hour to waste, then, there you go. Heh, have fun. You're completely wasting your time anyway if you're playing this game, as I am. Let alone make a fucking video about it. And some people like to call 1-Ups "Extra Guys" or "Free Mans". I like to call them "Life Insurance".

AVGN: Fuckfarts! It never ends with this game. It's just like an infinite turd coming out of my ass, just like an endless rope. I mean, when the fuck's it going to be over? I can't stand this shit!

Wally Bear and the NO! Gang[edit]

AVGN: Now the first thing that baffles me about this game is the actual cartridge. I mean look at this. It doesn't look like any other NES game. And what's this button for? "Press here"? Seriously? "Press here"? What for? I mean is it supposed to be telling you how to push the game down? Well like how to put the game into the system? Well, I can't really push on it when it's inside the Nintendo. You know, do they really think kids are that stupid? I mean, it should just say, "Press Here, You Dumb Fuck!" Like, some kid's gonna be like "Ehh, duhh, how do I put the game in?" (imitates trying to put the game into the NES vertically)

AVGN: The music in this game just fucking sucks. I mean, no bad game is complete without some auditory shit that makes you want to puke. You'd rather listen to your only infant child choking to death. So, just turn down the volume, and while you're at it, just turn off the fucking game.

AVGN: Back in the 80's, it seemed like there were all these characters trying to keep kids off of drugs. Whether it was Mcgruff, or Pee-wee, or the combined efforts of Alf, Michaelangelo, Bugs Bunny and Miss Piggy. And this game I'm sure didn't help kids stay off drugs at all. In fact, I'm sure the people who made it were on something. So avoid it at all costs unless you are fucked up on drugs. So in that case, lets say no to drugs... and lets say no to this fucking game!

Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu[edit]

AVGN: It's a weird game, and you can tell just by the cartridge. Now it's one of those weird baby blue cartridges, so you can tell right off the bat that it's a big piece of fucking shit.
Shit Pickle: Pickle.

AVGN: There's really only one reason to buy this game, and that's to be able to say, "I own Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu" so people can awkwardly stare at...
Shit Pickle: Shit-pickle-shit-pickle-shit-pickle-shit-pickle.

AVGN: (Shit Pickle plays the game.) So what do you think?
Shit Pickle: Shit!
AVGN: Exactly.

Top Gun[edit]

AVGN: (Top Gun Anthem is heard in the background) Top Gun sort of marks the beginning of a genre. It was one of the first flight simulation games for the Nintendo Entertainment System, or at least one of the most commonly referred-to. We obviously know that it ain't got shit compared to games today and for that reason you might think it's not worth complaining about. But no. It sucks ass now, and it sucked ass back then.

AVGN: Notice the absence of music. I know the developers were trying to make something new, to make it realistic. But what we get is a game that makes you feel like you're in this blank, mindless void. Like, if Purgatory exists, this is what it is: Top Gun for the NES. I'd rather fly a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong. (The Landing Sequence of the game begins) Uh oh, I'm really fucked now. I gotta land on an aircraft carrier - a feat that's impossible. Your radar monitor gives you instructions on how to land, but no matter what you do, you still crash. You know it's like, every time I get to this part, I think I might have a chance. "This is going to be it. I'm finally gonna land the plane." (reading the on screen instructions) "Speed Down. Left! Left! Speed Up. Right! Right! Speed Up. Speed Down. Left! Left! Speed Up. Speed Down. Up!! Up!! ...Up!! Up!!" I'm hitting up. [looks closely and starts sweating as the plane approaches the carrier, and then the plane crashes into the ocean] ASS!!!! FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!

AVGN: This game chews turds. This game sucks your balls off and spits them up your ass.

AVGN: (Danger Zone is heard in the background) Now because I've never passed that refueling plane, I've never seen the last two levels. So what I've decided to do here is create my own version of what I think the last two levels may be like.
"Mission 3: Blow shit up!"
"Mission 4: Vent your anger and destroy the TV."
AVGN: DIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!! (Punches the TV) HA-DO-KEN!!!!! (Throws a Ha-do-ken) SONIC BOOM!!!!!! (Throws a Sonic Boom to the TV, making it explode)

Double Dragon III[edit]

AVGN: Ooh, I know what you're thinking. "How dare you pick on Double Dragon?" But I'm not. Double Dragon's awesome! So is Double Dragon II: The Revenge. But Double Dragon III: The Sacred Stones is just a fucking waste.

AVGN: (Playing the two-player game, on the introductory cutscene) Now, just like the one-player game, it starts off with the story sequence, but this time it shows both the Double Dragons, Billy and Jimmy Lee. Oh, wait... Bimmy and Jimmy? How'd they make a mistake like this!? Bimmy isn't even a real name! How did this happen!? They didn't even proofread this shitty game before they released it? Bimmy and Jimmy? I'm sorry, I just can't get over that. Bimmy and Jimmy. There's a typo in a Nintendo game, let alone a fucking Double Dragon game, and it's the first screen!

Friday the 13th[edit]

AVGN: Oh, and every great game has a map screen, and being that the game is mostly side scrolling, you can't tell which direction you're supposed to be going. But, that's cool. It's cool. It makes it more challenging. I like that. Like when you're walking left but really heading to the right on the map? I love figuring that shit out. ...I love it. ...It's just great. [looks around the room then gets angry] LIKE PUKE UP A DONKEY'S ASS! WHAT A SHITLOAD OF MOTHERFUCKING BULLFUCK! I MEAN, I'D RATHER EAT SNOT AND DIARRHEA VOMITED OUT OF A BUFFALO'S DICK, AND IF YOU THOUGHT I WAS SERIOUS ABOUT THIS GAME -- [ Jason Voorhees comes out and grabs AVGN by the throat and threatens him with a machete) -- you're absolutely right because I was just kidding! I was just kidding! I swear! I swear to God, I was just kidding! I was just kidding!! It's not a shitload of fuck! It's NOT a shitload of fuck! (Jason lets AVGN go and leaves)

AVGN: [After hearing the Jason alarm and must get to the blinking house on the map] So, which way do I walk? I guess left because it's left on the map. Sounds self explanitory. So here I am just following the yellow brick road. Because that's what it looks like right, the scarecrow scene? (from Wizard of Oz) But that's okay because this game kicks ass. Oh fuck! Look at the map, I've just been walking in the wrong fucking direction. What a wonderful game! The bare basics of left and right do not apply. And that's why this game is so great because it's free from all logic. Logic is for pussies!

AVGN: [(trying to open the door) Dammit! Goddamn it! Open up you piece of shit! Son of a fuck! Shit!
AVGN: (to Jason Voorhees) Don't kill me! [Jason produces the game] ...Kill me.

AVGN: Knowing that Jason couldn't have been the only enemy in the game, it's interesting to see the use of zombies, birds, and even wolves to add to the mix. Even Jason's mom makes an appearance. And you know what she reminds me of? Those annoying fucking Medusas from Simon's Quest. Or wait... I'm talking about Castlevania III. What, I hate that game too?

AVGN: (Commenting on the game over screen) That's ingenious. That's the best game over screen I ever saw. For real! I'm actually being dead serious. Dead fucking serious. That's brilliant, right? "You and your friends are dead. Game over". That's priceless. Like, I can't believe it! Isn't that a mean thing to say to kids? Nobody ever dies in Nintendo, they're either "defeated" or they turn into an item and like float away. But here comes a game like Friday the 13th that just cuts the bullshit, shows some balls, comes flat out and says "You're fucking dead. And your friends, too." Beautiful. (Jason nods in agreement) And what happens if there's a sequel? It would have to say something even worse. I - I got it. I got a good idea what it should say. It should say:
You're Dead.
Your Friends Are Dead.
Your Family's Dead.
Your Fucking Pets Are Being Skinned Alive.
Your Mom's A Fucking Whore.
You Suck At Life.
The Whole World Hates You.
You're Going To Hell.
Live With It.
Game Over.

AVGN: I'd rather play Doom on Atari. I'd rather play Halo on a Tiger electronic wrist game. I'd rather drown in diarrhea. I'd rather fucking eat my fucking balls off and puke 'em up my fucking ass. I'd rather piss a cactus out of my dick. The music is fucking worse than life itself, and I'd turn the volume down except for the fact that I'd have to hear the Jason alarm. It's all just a test of patience and it can KISS MY FUCKING ASSHOLE! [throws the controller at Jason, beats him up and aims his NES Zapper at him.] You're easier to beat in real life then you are in that fucking game you no-good piece of- (blows Jason's head off with the zapper) This game is FUCKING HORRIBLE!!!

A Nightmare on Elm Street[edit]

Freddy Krueger: Ya like Nintendo?
AVGN: (Nods) Uh huh.
Freddy Krueger: Ya like to play shitty games?
AVGN: No!
Freddy Krueger: Ha ha, ya fucking nerd. Ya wanna play some Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? (moves his claw towards the AVGN's stomach)
AVGN: No! No! No!
Freddy Krueger: (Holds up Nightmare on Elm Street cartridge) Or ya wanna play my game, bitch?

AVGN: Damn, Freddy's got a lot of fucking bones, and they all look exactly the same: classic cartoon dog bones. You know, come to think of it, the plot's kinda like Simon's Quest. Why would Simon want to go around collecting pieces of Dracula? He was killed the first time. Just leave him alone! Imagine if Batman killed the Joker and then he scattered his pieces all over the fucking city and went around collecting them all. What a bunch of fucking shit!

AVGN: (commenting on the stock Halloween enemies) Like, why don't they just add some witches, black cats, and flying jack-o'-lanterns? They should've just called the game "Boo! Haunted House!" Which is probably what they originally had in mind, until they thought, "No, wait! Make it about Freddy! We already ruined Friday the 13th, now let's do the same thing to Nightmare on Elm Street." And that's right: It's by the same company. We're not gonna say who it is, but it stands for "Laughing, Joking Numbnuts". Also, listen to the music. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? It almost sounds like it's recycled from Who the Fuck Framed Roger Rabbit, another piece of garbage they made. What were they thinking?

AVGN: You know what's really weird? That this game was actually capable of a 4-player mode using an accessory that allows four controllers to be connected to your Nintendo Entertainment System? Now, I can't imagine having four people playing this game. Who's gonna want to play this piece of shit? I'm lucky if I can get one other person! I have a better chance of cloning myself. (four Angry Video Game Nerds play and curse at the same time)
AVGN 1: Hey, wait. Wait, wait, wait. I just cloned myself. I'm in a dream, I can do whatever I want, so why don't we all just stop playing this fucking game? So, the hell with that shit!
AVGN 2: Yeah! The hell with that... damn shit!
AVGN 3: The hell with that damn... fucking shit!
AVGN 4: THE HELL WITH THAT GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BULLSHIT!
AVGN 3: Relax.
AVGN 2: (Takes the game out of the NES) Hey what should we do with the cartridge?
AVGN 1: How about smash it with a hammer?
AVGN 2: Nah, that's not good enough.
AVGN 3: I know, let's drop it out the window.
AVGN 2: No, come on, be creative!
AVGN 4: I say we take a shit on it!
AVGN 2: Good, do it! Empty your ass all over it.
AVGN 4: I don't gotta take a shit though! You take a shit!
AVGN 2: You gotta take a shit? Who's gotta take a shit?
AVGN 1: I gotta take a shit!
AVGN 2: Then take that shit!
AVGN 1: (places the game on the floor) Bombs away! (poops on the floor and the game)
AVGN 2: Oh, God!
AVGN 4: You diarrhea fiend!
AVGNs 2,3, and 4: (seeing Freddy Krueger's shadow) Whoa! Whoa, Whoa!
AVGN 1: (farts) Oh, come on! It's not that bad!

Freddy Krueger: (revealing himself to look like the Nerd) Whoa, look at me! I'm the fuckin' Nerd! What a piece of shit! Buffalo diarrhea fuckfarts! You see, Nerd? Nobody makes you play these games but yourself, so you're your own damn nightmare. Now, you're gonna die!
AVGN: Go yank your cock through your ass, you fucking butt-mongrel! I got the Power Glove!

Power Glove[edit]

AVGN: I love the Power Glove. It's so bad. ...And I mean baaad. This thing is bad. Why need a glove to play a game? What's wrong with this? (grabs the regular NES controller) Huh? I dunno. I thought this was okay. Playing it, you know, with a controller? So if anything, the Power Glove, it's an interesting experiment in gaming technology. But too bad they were just fucking jerking off! Like, why does it suck so bad? Well, I have one complaint - one fucking complaint about this glove: It doesn't work. Now what's the most important aspect about any game? Well, being able to fucking play it!

AVGN: It's easier to do a handstand while taking a shit.

AVGN: Castlevania II: Simon's Quest. There's only one way to do this game with the Power Glove. (punches the game with the glove)

AVGN: [Plays Jackal and reads the opening screen's text] "This battle will make your blood boil. Good luck!" Good luck is right. I'm using the fucking Power Glove.

AVGN: [Playing R.C._Pro-Am, enlightened to see it functioning as desired] Ah, right! Here we go! We got this, man! We got this by the ass!

AVGN: I'm playing Rad Racer with the Power Glove and 3D glasses. You can't get any more rad than that.

AVGN: Wow. Playing Top Gun with the Power Glove. It's like puking on a pile of shit! (in-game, "TO LANDING SEQUENCE") Oh my God! What the fuck am I doing? I'm trying to land the plane in Top Gun with the Power Glove? I can't even land it with the regular controller! (manages to successfully land the plane; surprised, he takes a quick glance at the Power Glove, and looks back at the screen)

AVGN: If you want to bring a totally new element of challenge to your Nintendo games, try the Power Glove, 'cause it sure makes everything a lot harder. It's just a barely functional contraption designed to rip off little kids. It's the biggest scam since the Atari 5200 controller. The only kids who own this were usually the richer ones who thought they were cool. Well, they're not cool. I'm not cool either. Look at me, you think I'm cool? I've got a fucking glove on my hand. I'm trying to play a fucking game with it. I look like an idiot with a fist full of shit.

AVGN: Now you're playing with power... Now you're playing with fucking shit! You're better off fucking shit than fucking with this fucked-up shit! Fuck this shit! You don't know shit about how fucking shitty this fucking shit is! It's so bad it sucks. It's so fucking suck it fucks! And I... can't take it anymore.

Chronologically Confused[edit]

AVGN: (talking about the Mega Man series) What's this? Mega Man Battle network series? Mega Man 64? Did they really make it that far? No, that was just the Nintendo 64's stupid gimmick of putting 64 at the end of every fucking title.

AVGN: So when Final Fantasy VII came out, they just called it Final Fantasy VII and that's when the confusion began. I wondered what the fuck happened to IV V and VI?! But what I really should've been wondering, little did I know, what the fuck happened to II III and V? And once I figured that out, I was like,"So there were other Final Fantasy games we didn't know about?" I was playing VI all along and not III? What a bunch of motherfucking bullfuck!

AVGN: The Star Trek series did the same thing. Right now, there's ten of them. Star Trek I-VI were all numbered. But when they stopped using the original cast from the show and started using the cast from Star Trek: The Next Generation, they dropped the numbers from the films and called them: Star Trek Generations, Star Trek First Contact, Star Trek Insurrection and Star Trek Nemesis. Okay, well that's real fine. But where did the fucking numbers go? If they couldn't call Star Trek Generations, Star Trek VII then why didn't they call it Star Trek The Next Generation off the show and then call the next one Star Trek The Next Generation II and just start a new line of sequels? But hey, some of the original cast was in Star Trek Generations so instead they should've called it Star Trek VII/The Next Generation part I.
Mr. Spock: Most illogical.
AVGN: Actually never mind, just fuck it.

AVGN: (about the movie Rocky Balboa) But what a shitload of fuck. What kind of a stupid excuse for a title is this? Reveal more of the character's name. It's like making a prequel of Forrest Gump and just calling it Forrest.

AVGN: (About the Alien series) But then uh-oh! They make a third one. Oh gee, what are we going to call it? Can't be "Aliens's." That won't work.

AVGN: The title of Bruce Lee's first film was called The Big Boss, but when they released it in the U.S., the American distributors or whoever was responsible decided to change the title to Fists of Fury. Well okay, that's just fine, but the next one happened to be called Fist Of Fury. So, uh oh we fucked up! What are we going to call it here in the U.S.? We can't call it Fist of Fury because we changed the last one to Fists of Fury. Call it The Chinese Connection and from now on, just call the movies whatever the fuck they're originally called.

AVGN: Well, I gotta calm down now. So that's enough of my gripes. Thanks for listening to my rants and good fucking night!
[the credits roll]
AVGN: (After the credits) By the way, I'm just fucking around.

Rocky[edit]

AVGN: (Regarding the training sequences) Cock-a-fuckin'-doodle-ass-shit-sucking-ball-fuck! This is fucking boring!!

AVGN: (On the convoluted controls as described in the game manual) So did you get that? Well, let me sum it up. It stinks!
Rocky: That's right, it stinks!
AVGN: It's a bunch of putrid anal shit coming out of a rhinoceros' asshole. It fucks up the ass, shits out the mouth, piss out the nose, dookie out the ear, diarrhea out the dick, shits for the birds! The control in this game... is poo poo.

AVGN: This game is ass. I'd rather take a bath in elephant feces. I'd rather eat raw eggs.

Bible Games[edit]

Kyle Justin: (to the tune of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town)
He's playing some games, the worst he recalls
He's gonna find out which ones suck the most balls
The Angry Video Game Nerd is here
Oh, he's making a list and checking it twice
He's going to go home and eat chicken and rice
The Angry Video Game Nerd is here
He hates the games that stink
He knows which games to break
He just might even hate them all
Cause he's mad for fucking sake
You better watch out, don't give these games a try
You better not play 'em, he's telling you why
The Angry Video Game Nerd is here

AVGN: (Playing Bible Adventures, reviewing "Noah's Ark"; regarding the character Noah, who literally picks up animals and puts them in the ark in the game) I just can't get over that. He's an old man, and not only does he pick the animals up, he lifts them over his head! It doesn't even slow him down. How could such an old man be so strong? Have you ever tried to lift a horse? Not that easy. What the shit!? Let alone a horse and an ox!? Or fuck! A horse, a cow, and two oxen!? What the fuckin' shit!? Noah's so goddamn strong, he puts The Hulk to shame. And the poor creatures, they're so scared shitless, they don't even try to get away. Noah, man. Nobody fucks with him. Not even Chuck Norris!

AVGN: (reviewing "Baby Moses) Speaking of carrying things, look at how many things she can stack. What kind of picture is this? Moses' mom carrying Baby Moses carrying a block of cheese carrying a guy carrying a spear? I never thought I'd see that.

AVGN: (Reviewing "David and Goliath") And you know what? All three games use the same music. You'd rather listen to your own infant son puking to death. That is, choking on his own puke-chunks. (Long pause) That's disgusting. I apologize.

AVGN: (reviewing Bible Buffet on NES, responding to its in-game voice clips) That voice is just crazy! I-I dunno what it is, but it just sounds out of place. Not that anything is in place, but I dunno. It's so rare to hear such a clear voice in a Nintendo game. But I suppose it's also rare for Nintendo to have a Bible game with no references to the Bible, resembling Atari, that's all about food trying to kill you, yet it's also a board game rip-off with quizzes that you can't answer, and, if it's a Bible game, why do you blow a snowman's head off? Whatever happened to "Thou shall not kill"? Please, somebody tell me! What the hell am I playing? I kinda like it. But, I gotta turn it off before I go insane.

AVGN: [ Invisible Touch is heard in the background] So lets play another bible game. It's the Book of Genesis on Sega Genesis. And the soundtrack is Genesis. ...I'm just making this up.

AVGN: [Playing Super Noah's Ark 3D] Listen to how cheerful the music is. (Theme from Super 3D Noah's ark plays) Wow, that's great. It's just what you need is some really upbeat music to go along with Noah getting murdered by a bunch of fucking goats!

AVGN: (Playing The King of Kings, trying out "Jesus And The Temple") There's really nothing else worth mentioning with this game. It just sucks, and I can't even stand to play it anymore. I'd rather fuck a porcupine and shove a cactus up my ass. I'd rather slurp crap oozing out of a Warthog's anus hole. It's just a bunch of poopy, diarrhea, doo-doo ass shit.

Season Two[edit]

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Part One[edit]

AVGN: (sighs) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III... sucks shit! Not even regular shit. Putrid, barfed out, roadkill, diarrhea shit. Now you might be saying, "Well that's your opinion." Well yeah it is. It's my opinion that it's a motherfucking fact that this pile of dog shit called Ninja Turtles III is the most god-awful disgrace in human existence. Now, I know you've seen a lot of bad movies. But no, let me tell you. This movie is bad. Like how bad? Like is it the worst of the Turtles trilogy? Oh undeniably. But that's not the point. My point is that this is the worst fucking movie I've ever seen in my life! Now, I can tell you from the perspective of a 12-year-old and a 26-year-old that it needs to rot in hell, in Satan's asshole. Now what I mean by that is that I was 12 the first time I saw the movie in the theaters in 1993. And I was such a big Turtles fan, I just accepted it. I just held the truth inside, and, you know it's just been tearing away at me all these years. And now, looking back at it, I just gotta come clean and honest, man. I just gotta let it all out. This movie... is FUCKING TERRIBLE!!! (punches the tape)

AVGN: Why was there no subtitle in the movie? They subtitled the last movie. Well, I have an answer. Look under that title. You see that black empty space? Let that be an indication of the blank, empty imagination employed within, and the void it left in our hearts.

AVGN: (talking about how none of the classic series villains are present in the movie) Wouldn't you have liked to see Super Shredder come back in Turtles III? Well, that's what I was hoping for. But, too bad. Make way for this samurai and this guy on a horse. ...Yeah, these are our villains of Turtles III. Noranaga and Walker. I've never heard of them before. Now, you have this huge stockpile of memorable villains from the comics, the TV series, the video games, the action figures, all that, and they just go ahead and bring in two uninspired, stereotyped, mediocre villains! I mean, come on! This is the best they could come up with? Are you shitting me up the ass? And you might say, "Well, Shredder can't be in it because it takes place in ancient Japan." Well, you know what? That's my fucking point! The movie shouldn't have taken place in ancient Japan! Like, wow, that's original, isn't it? That's never been done a million times already!

AVGN: (criticizing the inferior animatronics) Is this movie made for little kids? ...Well, I guess it is, so, the joke's on me. The worst of all is Splinter. He looks like fucking roadkill! And I guess they never finished him because you only see his upper body. He's like a puppet that should be used on Sesame street. Even worse is his voice!
Splinter: Have patience, My son.
AVGN: What an assload of fuck! Well, everything sucks.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Part Two[edit]

AVGN: I'm going to round up my personal top ten worst lines from Ninja Turtles III. Number ten.
Donatello: I think I swallowed a frog. I hope it wasn't an ancestor.
AVGN: He swallowed a frog and he hopes it's not an ancestor. Guess that's why they're turtles. Number nine.
Raphael: There they are, the three stooges.
Donatello: Yeah, Larry,
Raphael: Curly,
Leonardo: And Moe.
AVGN: So just in case we don't know the names of the Three Stooges, be sure to say 'em all. Number eight.
Donatello: (April shows off her leg) Wow, a leg-o-rama!
Donatello and Leonardo: Schwing!
AVGN: No comment there. Number seven.
April: Woah! It's Star Trek time guys!
AVGN: It's Star Trek time. Number six.
Michaelangelo: What if we make like a cosmic U-turn and end up back in Godzillaland?
AVGN: Funny, get it? Japan? Godzillaland? Number five.
Donatello: (While fighting) It's hammertime!
AVGN: Oh God. Number four.
Raphael: Did you hear what he called me, Leo?
Leonardo: Yeah, an ugly lump of dung.
Raphael: Well, that was an insult, Leo!
Donatello: Not nesscessarly Raph. Did you know that in some countries dung is used as a fuel source?
AVGN: Oh, so that makes it a whole lot better. He called Raph a fuel source. I'm sure that's what he meant too, right? Number three.
Leonardo: We're turtles, friend!
Donatello: Of the teenage mutant ninja variety, sleazeball! (Mike and Raph laugh)
AVGN: Ok, the line was bad enough but look at how the turtles react to it, like "Yeah, he really told him off!" All right, number two. And I'm warning you, it's about to get really bad now. Listen to this one.
Donatello: (to enemies entering the room and seeing the turtles) Hey, you were expecting maybe, eh, the Addams Family? (the turtles chuckle)
AVGN: I remember seeing that line in the commercial and I couldn't even believe he said it. It's not really even a joke that makes any kind of satrical sense. Was I expecting the Addams Family? No, I wasn't actually. The Addams Family is probably the last fucking thing that'd ever come to my mind whenever I think of Ninja Turtles! What I especially love about this line is the way Donatello nods his head as he says it. And look at how Raph nudges Mike as if saying "Yeah, that was a good one." It's like the actors were actually making fun of it because it was so ridiculous. So, are you ready for number one? Because... I don't think I am. Nothing can prepare you for this. Are you sure? Are you ready? All right. Behold, the number one, worst, most God-awful movie quote of all time.
Donatello: Help! I'm a turtle and I can't get up!
AVGN: Ugh. I still can't believe it. Did he really say that?
Donatello: Help! I'm a turtle and I can't get up!
AVGN: Ugh! I'm sorry for playing that again. That's really terrible. Not only is this the worst line in the movie, it's probably the worst line ever spoken in a motion picture. And believe it or not, this line was in the commercials too! And even worse, I distinctly remember in the theater, everyone laughed. I mean come on! It's not funny! (laughs)

AVGN: Behold, Splinter's last joke in the Turtles trilogy.
Splinter: Yo dude! (puts on a flowered lampshade and giggles)
Michaelangelo: Yo dude!
Splinter: Just like Elvis in Blue Hawaii!
AVGN: What a way to end the series. Would there be a follow up? Would there be a Turtles IV? Fuck no. Not after that.

AVGN: Now, Turtles III? It just makes me feel embarassed. Like, watching it actually makes me cringe. I feel like I have to turn the volume down, face the TV toward the wall, and watch in a dark corner somewhere where nobody will ever know. It just leaves you with a bad, bad feeling. Like this movie should not exist. Cowabunga. Cowa-fucking-piece-of-dog-shit! I'd rather watch crap oozing out of a buffalo's asshole. I'd rather fucking puke diarrhea up my dick. It fucking sucks so much fucking suck, it fucks. It fucking sucks so much cocksucker motherfucker bullfuck that... well, something must be done. (Places the casette on the floor and slices it in half with a sword. then grabs a hammer.) It's hammertime! (Smashes the two halves of the tape with the hammer.)

Atari 5200[edit]

AVGN: Why don't many people remember this, and why did it die off so quick? (cut to the Nerd holding up the 5200, which obscures his body from the torso up) ...BECAUSE IT'S A PILE OF FUCKING SHIT! Why? Well, just look at it! Look at how huge this beast is, it's ginormous! And why is there a door on it? Is this a video game console, or a fucking closet? Even the AC Adapter weighs a million tons.

AVGN: This controller... is a piece of shit. What's the most important aspect about any fucking game? Well, being able to fucking play it. And what do you need to fucking play it? A fucking controller! So what do you do when the controller doesn't work? You're fucked! This is the reason the system failed. This. In the name of God, Heaven and Hell; everything in between, every creature on Earth; by the far reaches of the Galaxy; by the inner rings on the Universe and... every Megaverse and the Ultraverse, let it be known. Let the word be known. This controller... is fuckin' horrible!

AVGN: Then there's all these numeric buttons. Like, what the shit is this? Is this thing a phone? Like, what is all this for? Is it, like, talking to intergalactic space aliens, flying fuckernauts or astrobastards?

Ghostbusters[edit]

AVGN: So, when we heard that a Ghostbusters game for Nintendo was coming out, we were so excited, we shit our pants! Literally! Shit came out our asses and we rocketed through the roof! It was two of our favorite things coming together. Should've been like bread and butter. But more like dead skunk and dog shit. You pop this piece of crap in, expecting Ghostbusters, and, what do you get? Well, Ghostbusters. You got the logo there. Looks promising enough. But, are you willing to bet that it's gonna get really bad once you start playing? Yeah, well, guess what? It gets bad as soon as you press the Start button. (pushes the start button, and the title screen plays a very low quality sound clip announcing "Ghostbusters!") the fuck was that!? ("Ghostbusters!" is heard again. AVGN imitates) Ghoshtbushters! (plays the voice clip once more) Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to criticize the game for it's lack of voice clarity, but you hear how bad this sounds? Let this set the tone for the rest of the game.

AVGN: So here's the main screen. This is it. This is Ghostbusters on Nintendo. This is my wasted childhood you're looking at. I don't even need to comment! Just look at it! It shits for the birds! "Okay, we gotta come up with a game about Ghostbusters, what can we do? How about just have the Ghostbusters logo floating around playing tag with cute little yellow ghosts? So if you like Ghostbusters, it's right up your alley!" More like up your ass.

AVGN: After doing this for so long, you start to wonder: Who pays you to catch the ghosts, anyway? And why are the ghosts so generic, innocent, and cute-looking? They don't do anything to you, so why are you busting them? 'Cause busting makes you feel good? Well, don't the ghosts have a right to death? Obviously I'm thinking too deep about it, but that's what happens. That's what happens when you play such a boring-ass-shitty game. Your mind gets delirious! Right now I feel like I'm going fucking crazy!

AVGN: Eventually you see the "Enter Zuul Building" message again, but sometimes, you're not fucking ready because there's equipment that you still need to buy in order to get up the stairs. The offer to enter is only good for a short period of time. So by the time you catch enough ghosts, make enough money, and buy the gear you want, it's too late to enter the building. The only way to get that offer again is to go catch more ghosts and wait another hour, or however long it takes. The only sure way to be able to go in the first time is to trade your traps, the ghost vacuum, and whatever other equipment you don't need for the stairway stage. You can only hold four items at a time anyway. So you absolutely need to trade something in. But, by the time you get the message, drive to the store, trade your shit in, buy the stuff you need, and come back to the Zuul building, you're too fucking late! So what do you gotta do now? Catch more fucking ghosts! So, go back to the fucking store again, trade your regular stuff back, and FUCK! I hate this fucking game! What were they thinking?!

AVGN: (playing through the stairway segment with Game Genie-granted immunity to the ghosts) Well at least now I can't get killed by the ghosts. But that still means it takes all day to get up the fucking stairs! It just keeps going! Even if you did it with the control pad, it would be tedious. But the fact that you're supposed to tap the button the whole time and dodge ghosts? And I've counted: There's 22 floors! Do you think that's enough!? I mean what the fuck were they fucking thinking!? This is the worst game I've ever played in my life. It's worse than Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. Well, maybe not that bad... (the Ghostbusters reach the top floor and run to the roof entrance) A-and then they run!? They move like slugs the whole fucking time, but as soon as they get to the top, they run like they got propellers in their asses!

AVGN: (on the final stage of the game) The little ghosts with their tongues sticking out look like kindergarten Halloween decorations, and neither Gozer nor the dogs move. Hey, I can even name the dogs. That's Vinz Clortho and Zuul. Zuul apparently bought the building that they're standing on. Now, you know what's really shocking about this part? You're moving around, dodging projectiles and shooting at things? Kinda like... A game. Surprising, right? I mean this is the closest moment that this piece of shit ever comes to possibly being decent.

Ghostbusters Followup[edit]

AVGN: (performing a spell check on the ending screen) Let's play teacher and grade this piece of shit. Since it's really short, let's say 10 points off for every error out of a possible 100. So okay, you ready? Here we go. Well, first of all, "Conglaturation !!!" is spelled wrong, but it's not even a simple typo. Two letters in two different places are wrong which probably means they really didn't know how to spell it. So that's 20 points off for that just because it's such an atrocious misspelling. But then why isn't it plural? You don't usually say "Congratulation.", you say "Congratulations". So technically it's got nothing to do with the spelling, it's a different error altogether. So that's another ten points for that. Then, "You have completed a great game."!? Well that's just simply wrong, 20 points for that statement. Even if it was a great game, it shouldn't have to announce it. So then you have a punctuation error, because the next sentence begins with "And". Then you got an extra O in "prooved". And proved what? "prooved the justice of our culture."? So it's saying that you proved that our culture has justice? I don't know. "Now go and rest our heroes !" Instead of "Now go and rest, comma, our heroes", it's telling you to go rest our heroes. Okay, well, sorry to say but we had to take off 90 points. But hey, a score of 10% means that there's still hope. But wait, is there any reason that there's one exclamation mark here (at Heroes !) and then there's three up there (after Conglaturation !!!)? That's another 10 points off for lack of consistency with a total score of zero. F-minus. It should have said...
Congratulations!
You had the patience to sit through this awful game.
You proved your nerdiness.
Now go fuck yourself!

AVGN: (reviewing Ghostbusters on the Sega Master System, commenting on how the controllable logo leaves black dots on the streets it crosses) I don't exactly understand the idea of dropping poop everywhere you go. Thought the Ghostbusters are in a car, not a horse and buggy.

AVGN: (reading the game over screen) "Sorry but your mission has failed. The Keymaster and the Gatekeeper entered the Zuul" - so it's not the "Zuul building" anymore, it's just "the Zuul", - "and caused Gorza," - you mean Gozer? They should actually see the fucking movie before they make the damn game! - "the enemy boss to awaken and destroy the city. You could not even set foot inside the Zuul because you were unable to earn enough money to gain admittance." Oh, so it's like a museum or something? You just need to pay to get in? So all I need is enough money and I can go up a bunch of stairs to fight a Sumerian shape-shifting god. "Thus, the city was completely demolished by Gorza. The game is over. Try again from the start." Oh really? I thought I could try again from the middle.

Ghostbusters Conclusion[edit]

AVGN: (Playing Ghostbusters 2 for NES, commenting on its level setup) And that's what I'm fucking talking about! Ghostbusters should be nothing more complicated than just running around, zapping ghosts! So it's a huge, HUGE improvement over the first game! ...But that's not saying much! It still sucks monkey fuck and pukes diarrhea up your fucking asshole! And that's interesting, because the movie Ghostbusters II is definitely inferior to the first one. So, I guess the formula works like this: A good movie equals... a shitty, fucking game. But, a not-so-good movie equals a game... that's not as shitty.

AVGN: As for Start and Select? They don't do donkey dick. Usually Start is "pause", but here, there's no fucking way to pause the damn game. I mean, if you've gotta go answer the phone, or take a shit? It's like, tough shit if you gotta take a shit! You gotta take a quick shit! You gotta have turbo turds! I'm trying to play the game, I got shit stains in my pants, and an answering message on my phone that says, "Sorry, I'm playing Ghostbusters 2 on Nintendo." What a selfish game! Bottom line, 'HAVE A FUCKING PAUSE BUTTON!!!' GOD DAMN IT! (Throws an Ecto-1 toy to the ground)

AVGN: (reviewing Ghostbusters on Sega Genesis] This is what you call a game. I... like this. I like this? I can't believe what I'm saying! I think the world is coming to an end. Seriously, like fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes! Volcanoes! The dead rising from their graves! Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria! But don't worry, I'll find something about it that sucks.

AVGN: Guess what the toughest enemies in the game are? Coffee cups! You'd think they'd shatter after just one hit, but no! They take forever to break! I don't get it! Lots of the enemies are just annihilated after just one hit, but not those! Don't fuck with the coffee cups!

Spider-Man[edit]

Kyle Justin as Spider-Man: (on Spider-Man on Atari 2600) THIS GAME SUCKS MY SPIDER-BALLS! IT'S HORRIBLE!

AVGN: (on Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six) The game's Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Shit.

AVGN: (on The Amazing Spider-Man on Game Boy) There's a suicide button in the game!
Spider-Man: What do you expect? You're fucking jumping while you're trying to hang on to a building.

Spider-Man: (hitting himself with the Game Boy in frustration) WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE GAME DESIGNERS!? THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE DOING! I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY DID THIS TO ME! THEY MADE A GAME OUT OF ME AND IT'S FUCKING SHIT!!! IT'S HORRIBLE!!!

Spider-Man: (while AVGN jokes about the pizza-delivering objectives early in Spider-Man 2 on Game Boy Advance) I'm a super hero. I shouldn't be known as a pizza delivery man.
AVGN: I wish Spider-Man would deliver my pizzas every day.
Spider-Man: I'm gonna fucking shove a pizza up your fucking ass!

Kyle Justin: (singing to the tune of the the Spider-Man theme song)
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Takes a dump in a coffee can
Plays some games with a grudge
Gonna shit out some anal fudge
Look out, here comes some shitty games
Alcohol is his power source
Takes a piss like a drunken horse
Climbs a wall, then he falls
This game sucks his spider-balls
Oh no, he's playing the shitty games
When he plays his games
He feels so ashamed
He shoots web from his wrist
But now Spider-Man's fucking pissed
Angry Nerd, Angry Nerd,
Rather suck on a frozen turd
Or eat some crap from a moose
Gonna chug down some poopy juice
These games are such a great big fuck-up
They make you wanna throw up
All over Spider-Man

Sega CD[edit]

Kyle: (Singing the full theme song)
He's gonna take you back to the past.
To play the shitty games that suck ass.
He'd rather have a buffalo
Take a diarrhea dump in his ear.
He'd rather eat the rotten asshole
Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
He's the angry Nintendo nerd
He's the angry Atari, Sega nerd
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd
When you turn on your TV
Make sure it's tuned to channel 3
He's got a nerdy shirt
And a pocket pouch
Although I've never seen him write anything down
He's got a Power Glove
And a filthy mouth
Armed with his Zapper, he will tear these games down
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
He's the angry Nintendo nerd
He's the angry Atari, Sega nerd
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd
He plays the worst games of all time
Horrible abonomations of mankind
They make him so mad, he could spit
Or say "Cowabunga"
Kyle and AVGN: Cowa-fuckin' piece of dog shit!
They rip you off and don't care one bit
But this nerd, he doesn't forget it
Why can't a turtle swim?
Why can't I land a plane?
They've got a quick buck for this shitload of fuck
The characters names are wrong
Why's the password's so long?
Why don't the weapons do anything?
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
The games suck so bad, he makes up his own words
He's the angry most pissed off gaming nerd
He's the angry Atari, Amiga, CD-i, Colecovision, Intellivision, Sega, Neo-Geo, Turbo-Grafx 16, Odyssey, 3DO, Commodore, Nintendo nerd
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd

AVGN: Wow, it's like you get to play the games on a CD! Check out the graphics: Full-motion video opposed to video that isn't full motion! 64 simultaneous colors. 12.5 Megahertz Processor. Holy shit! This thing is TOTAL FUCKIN' GAR-BITCH! How would you like it if I conducted the rest of the video like this? (screen transists into a low-quality full-motion format mimicking Sega CD FMVs) Full-motion video my ass! I'd rather be full fuckin' screen!

AVGN: So you put the fucking game in, and oh, guess what? It runs off of its own power adapter. Yeah that's two. One for the Genesis and one for the Sega CD. If it can't run off the same power, why couldn't it just be its own independent system? Instead it's like a fucking parasite or something. Then there's this problem: The load time. Load of shit! You could go dump your ass in the time it takes!

AVGN: Willy Beamish. Okay, in this game, you're a kid in detention. First it's just like watching a cartoon for five minutes. Then an arrow appears and you're like "Oh my God, I get to do something?" So you just point and click at things.
Willy: Man, I'm so bored, I can't stand it.
AVGN: I know, I'm fucking bored. The teacher talks to you. You come up with answers. Should I say "Oh that was my frog Horny."? ...The frog's name is Horny?!

AVGN: Now we got Sol-Feace. More like Sol-Feces!

Sega 32X[edit]

AVGN: The Sega CD had its place in history. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a piece of shit, but it had a certain appeal. The 32X is the real deal. It sucks. Oh, God it sucks. You plop it on the top of the Genesis like they're mating. God, I mean, do you think that's enough add-ons? It doesn't even look aesthetically presentable. I mean, it's just like an ugly tumor. I mean did they really need all this bullshit leeching on the Genesis? That poor Genesis is just thinking, "Oh please God, take this shit off me." It's like getting gang raped. Both of its slots are getting fucked at the same time.

AVGN: (on the large AC adaptors that the Genesis and its add-ons separately have) Why the hell do they have these box things? Why can't it just be like this? (ends in a thin plug) Even the Atari 5200, with its huge-ass box - it still ends with a normal plug. You know, that really pisses me off. I-I even have a camera, which I just bought this year, and it has a box like that. We live in the year 2007, and they can't figure out that shit like that takes up too much room? These fucking things should be banned! Have these! Not these!

AVGN: Look at this! It's a fucking mess! And what a perfect visual analogy. Sega invented the 32X to increase the life span of the Genesis. And that's exactly what the friggin' thing looks like: It's on life support!

AVGN: I'm playing Invisible Primal Rage!

AVGN: And just to celebrate their failure, or just for shits and giggles, they released a few "CD 32X" games which require both the 32X and the Sega CD! So if you happen to own both this pile of vomit and this piece of shit, you can mix the two together!

Silver Surfer[edit]

AVGN: All right, this is Silver Surfer... Silver SHIT!

AVGN: What did I say before? This game's "not bad"? Well no, it isn't bad. IT'S FUCKING HORRIBLE!! And I dare you to play it!

AVGN: I can't take it anymore. You know, there's really no point of going on. It's not like there's a reward, like there's a pot of gold sitting on top of the TV. You know, if you beat the game, it probably just says "The End", and that's it. So, to keep playing it, you gotta be a fucking nerd. (continues playing)

AVGN: There's so many obstacles, it's unbeliv- (touches a red pot in the background and unexpectedly dies) I CAN'T TOUCH THAT RED POT?!?!

AVGN: I mean this game just pukes snot up my ass. It's like, you touch the top of the building, you die. You touch the ceiling, you die. You touch the floor, you die. Too far to the right, you die. Too far to the left, you die. You die, you die, you die. Diediediediediediediediediediediediedie DIE! Oh God, I can't fucking stand it.

AVGN: This game is so hard, it would actually be easier to go outside in a thunderstorm and try to dodge rain. It would be easier to walk barefoot without your toes or heels touching the floor. It would be easier to pick fly shit out of pepper, while wearing boxing gloves! The fact that you can get hit only once pretty much means that you're weaker than every other enemy in the game. HOW DO YOU DIE FROM JUST TOUCHING A WALL!? I can understand if he's flying it like 200 miles per hour and he crashes into the wall! But the fact that he just touches the wall and dies is just ridiculous. I never read any of the comics, so I don't know what Silver Surfer's powers are, but isn't he supposed to be pretty strong? So why'd they make him into a wimp!? Why is he fucking up rubber ducks and weeping like a crybaby!? It's like some sort of fucking joke. Like, what if they had Bruce Lee tripping over his own shoelaces? It's a fucking insult! This game should have been classic! But instead, it's worthless! It's as worthless as this fucking LJN poster I have back here! MAN, I WOULD JUST PISS AND SHIT ALL OVER THIS FUCKING GAME!!! IN FACT, JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE HAVING AN ANAL EVACUATION!!! (drinks beer) Fuck! (Takes the game out of the NES and throws it at the wall)

Die Hard[edit]

AVGN: All right, so you've got your life bar, which is self-explanatory. Then you got a "feet bar"... Yeah, your feet have power too, right? You can run by holding the B-button, but that drains your "foot power". Now, let me ask you a question: whats the difference between saving your foot power and using it to get your ass moving? Is it better to run and waste your foot power or just walk slow and waste your fucking time?

AVGN: Somewhere up here, there's a rope which, I don't know if it's important or not. You blow up this gym locker or whatever it is and he says, "I'd have to be desperate to tie that on and jump off! No, thanks!" Are you kidding me? Have you ever had a video game character talk back to you and say, "No, I'm not gonna do that!"? Going back to Mario again, what if Mario just said "You know, I'm really not feeling up to jumping over that platform. No thanks." This is ridiculous. I mean, he won't climb down with a rope, but he'll jump out a window and fucking kill himself?!

AVGN: "Take out the main computer"? I'm getting confused. So I'm going around, trying to kill people, and Officer Carl Winslow keeps talking to me. So, I'm just walking around, waiting for whatever random stuff to happen, then the police car blows up! I'm like, "What does this have to do with anything?" But then Steve Urkel comes on, I'm like, "What the fuck!?"

AVGN: I'd rather have a mountain lion dump its ass all over my face. I'd rather unclog a shitty toilet with my bare hands.

AVGN: There's guys around every corner, there's guys coming out of the elevator, there's guys coming out of your ass! It's crazy!

AVGN: Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker! (Throws the game behind him and it explodes)

Independence Day[edit]

AVGN: Oh God. ...Oh God! Let me ask a question. What do you get when you take a movie that's ASS, and you make it into a game? You get a piece of shit. Now if you get a piece of ass, that's a good thing, but if you get a piece of shit, you don't want that!

AVGN: I think it's a graphic flaw: Nothing appears until it's right up in your fucking face. What the ass is that all about? To describe this game's assness, all I can say is... it's very ass.

AVGN: The worst thing about this is that it's making me feel really guilty to be playing it. Like... I should be doing something better with my time. ...Like rolling dog turds in cement. Like, I gotta get away from this game. I gotta get out of this room! I gotta... I gotta go out and do something wild! Like get a tattoo on my face of a goat holding up a baby snorting cocaine off its penis. You know, I've played a lot of shit in my days, but this game is... fuck. The lack of music, the droning effect it has, it reminds me of something very similar... something from the past: Top Gun on NES. While I hated it and it drove me insane, I would rather play this than Independence Day. In fact, just thinking about is like a breath of fresh air. Makes me feel like a shitty log coming out of a buffalo's ass and landing in a bowl of M&Ms.

AVGN: Now, as always, I don't care if you agree on my opinions on games, but what I do care: you enjoy the video, you have a great Fourth of July, drink some beers, but be safe, and most important, celebrate your independence not to play shitty, fucking games!

The Simpsons[edit]

AVGN: Bringing back the horrible memories of these games can best be described like this: Imagine if you trapped a wet, smelly piece of dog shit inside an airtight container. Then, like twenty years later, you open that shit up, you take a good smell, and there you go. Welcome back.

AVGN: (playing Bart vs. the Space Mutants) It's strangely satisfying to jump on those aliens' heads. After all, don't you wish you could just go around killing aliens? Not making purple things not purple? Why not just fucking shit all over 'em and make everything brown?

AVGN: It's also really funny that people just casually walk by. If I was walking through the mall, and I saw giant bouncing donuts and killer marshmallows, walking shoes and spring-jumping shoes, moonwalking shoes, paper bags with legs, paper bags with scary fucking heads, and killer towels? I think I'd shit my pants. Shit would come out of my ass.

AVGN: Now, I don't have a problem with a challenge, but when the challenge is based on how fuckin' crippled the controls are, then fuck it! Eat my shorts-- eat 'em good... right after I took a shitty diarrhea dump.

AVGN: I just wanted to point out that for a game titled "Bart vs. the World", there really isn't a lot of "the world" in the game. No shit, right? Just Egypt, China, the North Pole, and Hollywood? Pretty fucking educational, right? When I was eleven years old, my whole world was video games, just locked in my room playing Bart vs. the Space Mutants and all this crap. And I wasted all my time on this shit! I want it back! It ruined my life! (drinks beer) Bart's my ass and Krusty's my balls! Fuck this shit. Now I'm gonna eat my own shorts. (the Nerd puts his beer down, rips out his boxers with his teeth, and devours it in a ravenous manner)

Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout[edit]

AVGN: Wow, how awesome could this be? Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout! Well, it was a blowout, all right... Blow out your ass!

AVGN: Yeah this game's really a no brainer. (drinks beer)
(Bugs Bunny appears in Nerd's room)
AVGN: (spits out beer) OH MY GOD!! IT'S BUGS BUNNY!!
Bugs Bunny: Ehhhhhh, (eats carrot) What's up Doc?
AVGN: (Walks up to Bugs) I can't believe it, in my own house! It's Bugs Bunny! BUGS FUCKING BUNNY! (Punches Bugs in the stomach and again to the face)

AVGN: So you can already guess that all the bosses are Looney Tunes characters, like Wile E. Coyote, Sylvester, Foghorn Leghorn, Elmer fuckin' Fudd, and Pepe Le Shit.

AVGN: This game is garbage! (grabs Bugs by the ears and pounds his head on the floor; the commas that follow mark the head pounding) I'D RATHER PUT MY BALLS, IN A CROCODILE'S MOUTH, WHILE SHOVING MY HEAD UP A, UNICORN'S, ASSHOLE!

Bugs Bunny: Ehhhhhhh, ain't I a fuckin' stinker, motherfucker?
AVGN: Ain't you a goddamn fucking piece of shit! (grabs Bugs, throws him out of the room, and kicks and stomps him on the head several times before going back to playing the game)

AVGN: (after finding out Bugs' obstacles were just pranks) I'LL SHOW YOU SOME FUNNY TRICKS!!! (headbutts Bugs and starts punching him)
Bugs: (while being pummeled) Ehhhhhhh! What's up, COCK?!
AVGN: (kicks him in the face) I'll show you what's up ya' fucking bunny piece of shit!

AVGN: You want some shit? (lowers his pants) Bombs away Bugs Bitch! (poops on Bugs' face)
Bugs: Ehhhh! Oh shit! Oh shit! Ehhhhh!
AVGN: (Shows fake butt) Don't worry folks, it's not real. (To Bugs) Fuck you, Bugs Bunny! Fuck you, Bugs Bunny! (Throws fake butt to the floor) ...There you go. You got your ass handed to you. (the scene transitions to the Nerd portraying Porky Pig bursting out of the drum) Th-th-th-th-that's all, fucks! (raises middle finger)

Atari Porn[edit]

AVGN: (playing Custer's Revenge) All you do is bang the chick, dodge the spears. Bang the chick, dodge the spears. You know, you gotta give this guy credit. He's under attack, and he still has the nerve to go over and screw this woman against a cactus. I think it's a cactus, with Atari you really can't tell.

AVGN: (playing Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em) You know, there's really something wrong with this whole scene. You gotta be a total fucking whore to stand naked at the bottom of a building, with your mouth wide open, to catch jizz from some guy jerking off, on top of a roof! What kind of sick bitches are these?! And what's the deal with this guy? Either he has a huge dick, or he's a dwarf! What the fuck kinda game is this?

AVGN: You know, that's really weird. Can you imagine if you're just sitting around, minding your own business, then all of a sudden, some naked chick breaks in and starts humping the crap out of you? (looks at his door for a moment) ...You know, that's really not fair. I get Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger and Spider-Man, Bugs Bunny... but no naked chick. Fuck this shit.

AVGN: Now we got Philly Flasher. Somebody please explain this one to me. "Philly Flasher"? Like Philadelphia? What's Philadelphia make you think of? Ben Franklin? The Liberty Bell? Rocky? Cheesesteaks? A witch shooting milk out her tits?

AVGN: This game really disturbs me. But I don't get it! Is this supposed to be erotic? I don't know about you, but I'm not at all turned on by some old wrinkly shitty witch titties! That's fucking nasty, man! What sick fuck came up with this!? What were they thinking?

AVGN: Well, what can you say? Atari and porn. Witches, door-to-door prostitutes, rooftop beaters, cowboy rapists... What more can ya ask for? Remember the commercials, "Have you played Atari today?" Well, fuck yeah I did! But you don't wanna know what I was playing.

Nintendo Power[edit]

AVGN: If you had a subscription, you were the man! One of your friends would be breaking their balls trying to beat some game, and you'd be like, "Oh, I know how to beat that," or, "I know a code." That's because you had the power! Nintendo Power, motherfucker!

AVGN: One thing that used to piss me off was the NES Achievers section. It's just a bunch of nerds showing off their high scores. But how do you prove it? You gotta take a photo of your screen, and nobody really knew how to do that. I mean, remember, there were no digital cameras back then. So, you take the picture of your screen, you have no fucking clue what it's looks like, and there could be like twenty other pictures on the roll, so you either have to like waste them all or wait until it gets finished. You get your mom or dad to take it to the store to get the picture developed. It comes back, and what does it look like? It looks like fucking shit!

AVGN: Remember that shitty movie The Wizard? And that fucking dumbass Super Mario Bros. movie? Man, I remember reading about that and being so excited, I couldn't wait to see that movie! But it was just like waiting for a buffalo to take a shit all over your face.

AVGN: As Nintendo Power progressed, the ads went from being weird to just being fucking disgusting. Why the hell is there a picture of a jar of toenail clippings in a video game magazine? What were they thinking? Now here's the worst one yet: It's some old creepy bitch holding a log of shit! God damn! One ad was so gross, I stapled the page shut. I'm actually not joking. And this one just shows a hurl bag. Yeah, that's great, that just sums up how I feel about the whole situation. Nintendo Power! Don't open unless you got a barf bag! (looks into Nintendo Power, then pretends to vomit into a bag)

AVGN: There's also a contest in every issue. Grand prizes would include a sneak showing to the Ninja Turtles movie, a chance to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger, to win Bill & Ted's phone booth, to win a Street Fighter II arcade machine, to dig up dinosaurs, or to be an extra in The Mask II. The Mask II?! Oh that's a great prize! That movie never got fucking made unless you count Son of Mask, but that wasn't until about ten years later. And did they give the winner a rain check for that? To be in a movie with a computer-generated baby or any of the other sequels to Jim Carrey movies that don't have Jim Carrey?

AVGN: (reading letters) "It is quite apparent what an active and important role marketing plays in the video game industry. I have to wonder what you are thinking when marketing the N64 to elementary school gamers. You risk alienating gamers 15 and up. You should target older gamers, because you'll also target younger ones, since the younger audience's perception of coolness depends on what the older, teenage audience thinks is cool". I agree. The response: "Your suggestion inspired us to target more teens with our marketing, so tune in to a very special episode of Friends this week to see..."... Okay, here's my letter: Dear Nintendo Power editor: What the fuck is your problem?

Fester's Quest[edit]

AVGN: (As Fester) You were expecting, uh, maybe uh, the Ninja Turtles? (a reference to the Nerd's review of the third Ninja Turtles movie)

AVGN: (As Wednesday) This game better stop sucking ass, or else I'm gonna have to give it the finger. The middle finger!

AVGN: (As Gomez) I think it's a shitload of fuck!
AVGN: (As Fester) Think you'd better shut your ass!

AVGN: (As Fester) That's the last guy. It's over.
AVGN: (As Wednesday) That's just the first boss.
AVGN: (As Fester) That's the last guy.
AVGN: (As Gomez) It's not.
AVGN: (As Fester) I know, but let's just say that it is, because that's all I can take.

Kyle Justin: (Singing to the Addams Family theme song)
It's crappy and it's kooky
A stupid piece of poopy
I'd rather eat my dooky
It makes me want to pee
Sucking some ass
AVGN: Fuck!
Sucking some balls
AVGN: FUCK!
Sucking some balls, Sucking some balls, Sucking some ass
AVGN: FUCK!!
Makes me wanna see ya
Assload of diarrhea
It's worse than gonorrhea
I'm gonna take that pee

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre[edit]

Opening Crawl: In 1983, a shitty game based on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was released for the Atari 2600 by Wizard Video Games. It was a tragic failure and tried to aim for the adult market. Its pixelated violence was enough to get it banned from stores or hidden behind the counter, limiting its sales to obscurity. For them, an ideal hit movie-based game would become a nightmare. But had the game been well known, nobody would have expected nor they would wished to see as much of the mad and macabre doodoo diarrhea bullshit as they were to see in that sucky ass game. Close to 25 years later, it would be discovered by one of the most frustrated gaming geeks on the internet, The Angry Video Game Nerd.

AVGN: What have you got here?
Hillbilly: Bunch of shit.
AVGN: I see. Unfortunately this is kind of my thing. (Notices the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Atari 2600 cartridge) How much is this one right here?
Hillbilly: A hundred.
AVGN: A hundred? As in like a hundred dollars?
Hillbilly: No, shit-for-brains, a hundred centavos. Of course a hundred dollars! We are living in the US of A, ain't we?
AVGN: I - I'll take it for 50.
Hillbilly: ..It's a hundred.
AVGN: It's a piece of shit. Look at this! Look at this stock label! I mean, do you know what this is supposed to be? Can you tell me what this is?
Hillbilly: I have no idea what that is. I can tell you what it looks like: It looks like the shit stain in the bottom of my drawers right now!
AVGN: This is a shit stain on a shitty game! That perfectly just sums it all up.
Hillbilly: That, there, is a rare video game, Boy.
AVGN: Unfortunately I'm like - like flies on a piece of shit because I just can't stay away from this stuff.

AVGN: (Playing the game) Then there's hay and wheelchairs and animal skulls. What happened in this field before you got there? Was there somebody going around in a wheelchair gunning down bulls?

AVGN: So, when the game's over, the screen goes black, like a Mortal Kombat fatality. And the girl kicks you in the butt. How violent, she kicks you in the rear. Now I can take bodies getting slashed apart with the chainsaw, but a kick in the ass? That's fucking hardcore. Fuck this game. What a piece of shit.

AVGN: (after being attacked by Chop Top and Leatherface) You've gotta believe me, there's this guy coming after me!
Hillbilly: Hey, hey! Settle down.
AVGN: I'm not kidding! I'm really not kidding. He's-
Hillbilly: Calm down, little buddy. Be cool. Be calm. Be collected... hey, what's that over there? (knocks the Nerd out with his banjo) Batter-up, bitch boy! (starts dragging the Nerd away. As he does so, he sings) Hey there, motherfuckers... Don't tell me what I should do... 'Cause they be motherfuckers...

Chop Top: (while the Nerd is being tortured by being forced to play the game) How do you like that, Nerd? How do ya like!? How do ya like!? (cackles)
Hillbilly: Playing that game like he really don't like it? Ain't that a shame. Listen to him whimper like a little girl. HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH hee hee hee! Yeah, boy. (the Nerd summons enough rage to free himself from his bindings and make an escape) Oh, shit!

Halloween[edit]

AVGN: Well it's Halloween, and, I have to go babysit. Yeah, of all things, I gotta go watch some little shitheads for the night. But, for the meantime, I'll show you a perfect example of a great movie turned into a real shit-bomb.

AVGN: All right, now, that's enough. Y'know, it's all coming back to me now. I remember, once long ago, I had this game in my possession. I just remember seeing this blank cartridge for a pale, emotionless game... with the dullest graphics... the most awful gameplay. I spent eight years trying to figure it out, and another seven trying to keep it locked in my closet because, I realized what was living behind that game... was simply... evil. (the Nerd then meets two kids one is dressed as Optimus Prime and the other is dressed in a Swamp Thing costume at his door)
Kids: Trick-or-treat!
AVGN: Oh, oh, you want some trick-or-treat? Okay, here's some trick-or-treat for ya! (grabs one of the bags and poops into it with his pants on and not wiping afterwards he then hands it back to kids)"
Kids: Ewwwwww!!
AVGN: There you go, you little fuckers! There's some chocolate for ya.
Kid in the Swamp Thing costume : That's not chocolate, that's poop.
AVGN: It's not chocolate nor is it poop. It's shit!

Kid: First you poo in my bag and now you don't give me any candy. You're a dope.

AVGN: (playing Haunted House on Atari 2600) I'm guessing that you're not really a pair of eyes, but it's just common fact that, in the dark, the only thing you can see are someone's eyes.

Kids: (when AVGN enters their house) Look, it's the poopyman!
AVGN: No, no - the "poopyman's" more like the Boogeyman. And he's gonna get ya If you don't turn off this game!

AVGN: (after Michael Myers flees from the kids' house, AVGN goes outside and calls out to a woman) Hey, call the police! Tell the sheriff he's on the loose!
Woman: Is this some kind of a joke? I've been trick-or-treating like shit tonight!
AVGN: ...You don't know what shit is.

Dragon's Lair[edit]

AVGN: Did I just die by walking into the fucking door!? Yeah. Everything kills you. Literally. Everything.

AVGN: Another problem is that the dragon doesn't come up high enough to be able to hit with the dagger, unless you are just squatting, but when you are squatting the dragon stays below the bridge. It literally reacts to your every move. So, what do you do? Do you stand? Do you duck? Either way, you're fucked. The decisions to make in this game are similar to if... say you're standing in a pool full of piss all the way up to your neck. Then somebody comes in with a bucket full of shit to dump on your head. Do you duck down under the piss? Or do you just stay up and take on the shit? This game is like a cruel joke that you play on your friends. It's like, "Hey, you wanna play a game? Here you go, you fuckers!"

AVGN: This game is notorious among gamers as being one of the most frustrating games in existence. At some time or another, it seems everyone takes a shot at it, and after this review, I'm sure many more people will suffer over it, which is unfortunate. But to quote Full Metal Jacket, "It's just one big shit sandwich and we all gotta take a bite."

AVGN: (upon being returned to the first screen after getting a Game Over on the second) Man... Man, fuck that shit. Man, you think I'm gonna put myself through that again?! GOD DAMMIT MAN! (imitates shooting off four of his fingers, leaving the middle one extended upward) Man, FUCK this game, man! Man - Jesus Christ, I'd rather fucking 69 a grizzly bear while shoving King Kong up my ass! I'd rather fucking stand in the middle of a ring of monkeys as they pelt me to death with their own anal waste! Man, fuck this game! Fuck it to hell! Fuck it to oblivion! Fuck it to DAMNATION OF MANKIND!

An Angry Nerd Christmas Carol Part One[edit]

AVGN: (receiving Home Alone 2 for the NES in a gift-wrapped box) Oh gee. Thanks for sending me this crappy game! Coal would've been nice! Or even better, a bag of poop! So thanks!

AVGN: So, you start the game trying to escape from this hotel because they found out that you used a stolen credit card. Now you don't wanna fuck with this hotel - they'll get everybody after ya. Not even just the people who work there, but bouncing old ladies with umbrellas, mops - yeah, crazy bloodthirsty mops will try to get ya. Vacuum cleaners? Yeah, those suck you up. Then there's suitcases! Even the fucking suitcases are trying to run you over!

AVGN: Here, get up the ladder! Get up the fucking ladder! There's birds shitting all over me! Get up the fucking ladder! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK! (yells in anger and takes the game out of his NES. In an Ebenezer Scrooge-like voice) Merry Christmas, you filthy animal! You miserable fucking cunt-piece of shit! (hurls the game off-screen and walks up to his game cabinet) Shitty games all my life! Shitty fucking games! I hate shitty fucking games! And I hate shitty fucking Christmas because shitty fucking Christmas means more shitty fucking games! HUMBUG! BAH! FUCKING HUMBUG IT TO HELLLLLLLL!!!

An Angry Nerd Christmas Carol Part Two[edit]

Stuttering Craig as the Ghost of Christmas Past: Greetings, Nerd! Forgive this intrusion, for it is I, the Ghost of Christmas Past!
AVGN: (hits himself on the head) I ain't seeing this!
Ghost of Christmas Past: Why do you doubt your senses, Nerd?
AVGN: Because, I wasn't ready to go completely insane tonight.
Ghost of Christmas Past: But you already have! Drowning in your own misery and torment!
AVGN: (Extends his middle finger) You see this?
Ghost of Christmas Past: I do see it.
AVGN: ...But you're not looking at it.
Ghost of Christmas Past: But I see it.
AVGN: ...Look. Ghost. Why do you come to me?
Ghost of Christmas Past: Well, to take you back to the past!
AVGN: To play the shitty games that suck ass? No thanks.
Ghost of Christmas Past: This is your past, Nerd!

Handsome Tom as the Ghost of Christmas Present: You remember the excitement?
AVGN: Who are you?
Ghost of Christmas Present: I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present, bitch.
AVGN: Well what do you want?
Ghost of Christmas Present: I just wanted to remind you the fond memories you had of Super Nintendo. You remember Metroid? Zelda? Mario? You only choose to dwell on crap. You know what you're doing right now?
AVGN: Talking to you?
Ghost of Christmas Present: No, this is all out of body. Don't you get it? Right now you're looking back at reviewing one of the worst games on the Super Nintendo. (AVGN looks through a nearby door to see himself reviewing a game.)
Other AVGN: Shaq Fu. Just the name makes people cringe. Like, you don't even wanna go there.

Other AVGN: The title doesn't even sound good. Shaq Fu? It's like a joke. I mean just the fact that they can release a fighting game starring Shaquille O'Neal and call it Shaq Fu pretty much proves that you can put "Fu" at the end of anything. How about "Robin Williams Fu" or "U2Fu"? I mean, who came up with this shit!? What, were they smoking crack up their ass!?

Future AVGN: You remember the Nintendo Wii? Yeah, that's actually what they called it. But it was very revolutionary when it first came out. But looking at it now, it's like a baby's toy. Now, I got this bullshit fuck game called Far Cry Vengeance. Now you put the word "Vengeance" at the end of anything, and it's sure to suck.

Future AVGN: I'd rather drink diarrhea sauce!

AVGN: IT'S CHRISTMAS! WHAT A GLORIOUS CHRISTMAS DAY! (goes back to his games cabinet cackling with euphoria) Look at all these games! Look at all these games! I think I'm going to play Super Mario World! Fuck yeah! This game's awesome! In fact, I should just play good games from now on. (after a moment, the Nerd's expression turns sour, and he turns off the game and grabs the Virtual Boy) Man, fuck that! Let's play some shitty ones!

Season Three[edit]

Chronologically Confused 2: The Legend of Zelda Timeline[edit]

AVGN: Shigeru Miyamoto, the man responsible for all these great games did an interview with Nintendo Power sometime before the release of the Ocarina of Time and this is what he said. "Ocarina of Time is the first story, then the original Legend Of Zelda, then Zelda II: The Adventure of Link and finally A Link to the Past. It's not very clear where Link's Awakening fits in. It could be anytime after Ocarina of Time." Now whoa, I'm nobody to argue. Don't get me wrong about the man himself, but how is Link to the Past the last? I had a hard time accepting that any game would take place before it, but now it's the last? Then why is it called Link to the Past? If it was meant to be the end, why wouldn't it be called Link to the Future?

AVGN: So what right do I have to argue with Miyamoto? I don't. However, I can offer three explanations to why he says Link to the Past goes at the end. 1, He was being interviewed and he was caught on the spot, so it could've been a simple mistake. 2, Link to the Past was once a prequel, but its place in the timeline changed so his quote is somehow correct. 3, it's just a game so who gives a shit?

AVGN: Now a second Zelda game was for the Nintendo 64 was released, Majora's Mask. This one was a sequel to Ocarina of Time. But wait, not a sequel to the end where adult Link defeats Ganon, No! it's a sequel to young Link after he got sent back. So now any speculation of Nintendo ever making a sequel to Zelda II is deader than shit. They can't even make a sequel that follows in consecutive order. Instead, they just keep going back and then maybe taking a small step up again and then back again. We have a sequel to the original, a prequel to the original, a sequel to the prequel, a prequel to the prequel, and a sequel of the young Link of the prequel's prequel. WHAT THE FUCK?! At this point, if you want to try to make any sense out of this whole thing then go right ahead, but not me. At this point, I really didn't give a shit.

Rambo[edit]

AVGN: Back in the 80's, Rambo was the shit. But the NES game was just plain shit.

AVGN: It begins with the colonel visiting Rambo in prison, and making him a deal: Go rescue prisoners in Vietnam and you're free. But, you have a choice: "I'm not afraid of death." or "I feel better in prison." Hmm, how about "I feel better in prison"? "But it's up to you. The game doesn't start until you say yes." Well what's the point of having an option, then? I'm saying "Leave me the fuck in prison", but then again I might as well not even put the game in if I'm gonna say no. That's like in the movie, if he would've said, "John, the movie can't continue 'til you say yes."

AVGN: When Rambo meets the girl for the second time in the game, you're given an option. Rather than conducting business, you can say, "What do you think about me?" The game doesn't advance until you stop asking this, so, what's the point? And how cocky can Rambo be to expect a compliment? She could have said, "What do I think of you? You look like a hairless gorilla, and when your mouth is open, you really freak me out."

AVGN: Why does the fucking password have to be so damn long? Is it really necessary to have both capital as well as lowercase letters and numbers, question marks and exclamation marks too? If you're writing this down, you're going to get confused. S's look like 5's. Zeros looks like O's. Capital and lowercase letters can look identical, and lowercase L's can look like 1's and uppercase I's. That's something I have no tolerance for! The password system should be simple, straightforward and easy to use! As long as you know the password, you should be able to enter it and move on! It doesn't need to be a fucking project! Assholes!

AVGN: (discussing how in his first Chronologically Confused video, he sarcastically commented that the fourth Rambo movie would be called "John Rambo") And what do they do? That's what they called it! And I feel bad. I feel like I picked on a retard or something, like, "What're you, retarded? ...Oh, I'm sorry." But then what do they do? They change it again, to just "Rambo". Like, is this a sequel, or a remake? It couldn't get any more confusing!

Virtual Boy[edit]

AVGN: Virtual reality seemed like the way of the future. Just the idea of feeling like you were in the game was an awesome concept. But instead, it turned out to be the grand mother load of shit. The first problem was that it was marketed as a portable system. Yeah, "portable". My ass is portable! You could barely find a comfortable way to play this big red ugly piece of shit at home, let alone bring it somewhere. Like you couldn't play it in a car somewhere or something like that, and... come to think of it, you wouldn't want to play this thing in public anyway. You'd look like an asshole!

AVGN: Why isn't there a headstrap? Let's think about this. This has got to be one of the worst designs for any invention in history! It's basically a pair of goggles on a stand! To me, that translates to a pair of eyeballs on legs.

AVGN: (playing Galactic Pinball) I feel like I'm taking an eye exam! And speaking of that, my eyes are starting to hurt already. If you play this game long enough and go blind, you can really become the Pinball Wizard.

AVGN: (playing Wario Land) But it's actually a good game. Damn good. But, only one problem: It's on Virtual Boy.

AVGN: Waterworld on Virtual Boy! It's like puking on a pile of shit!

AVGN: Waterworld is the only movie-based game on Virtual Boy, and doesn't it seem like a match made in Heaven? It's a perfect analogy! An over-budget, over-hyped movie turned into a game on a gimmicky over-priced anal atom bomb of a console exploding with diarrhea!

AVGN: They didn't even attempt - they didn't even attempt a virtual reality concept. What it needed was some first person shooter games. Like Doom - that would've been awesome! Now, it's been about ten years, the technology's gotten better, but nobody really gives a shit about virtual reality anymore. And maybe that's for the best.

The Wizard of Oz[edit]

AVGN: But now on with the game. Let's start off with the enemy rundown: We've got blood thirsty blue birds, frogs, chattering teeth, pink soldiers, some weird looking dude, flying elephants which are supposed to be monkeys, a blobby blue guy, and killer chairs. Is this Wizard of Oz or Pee-wee's Playhouse? Then there's all these buzzsaws. Kind of violent, don't you think? Everything imaginable wants you dead. Even water faucets coming out of trees. Even the hands of a clock can kill you. (holding an analog clock) OH GOD!! HERE IT IS!! WATCH OUT FOR THE CLOCK!!!! (imitates getting attacked by the clock)

AVGN: Remember the scene from the movie where Dorothy kicks the shit out of a giant crow wearing a vest?

Cowardly Lion: With a knuck! And a ruck! And a fuck! And a f-fuck!
AVGN: Hey man, did you just swear?!
Cowardly Lion: Uhh, huh huh huh! Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah! Fuck you! Fuck you! Dick! Dick! Dick! Hahahahahaha!
AVGN: (resumes explaining the game) Now the only problem with the lion is that after he dies only once -
Cowardly Lion: (gasps) Die!? (starts crying)
AVGN: - he never comes back!
Cowardly Lion: (runs out of the room and "dies" in an explosion effect) Oh, fuck!

Cowardly Lion: (as AVGN fights the Wicked Witch at the end of the game) Oh, is that the witch of the witch? [sic] She's a bitch, not a witch! Hahah!
AVGN: C'mon, c'mon, you fucking green bitch! Melt! Melt like diarrhea in the hot sun!
Cowardly Lion: Ahaha! Yeah, melt - shove a broom right up her ass! Fuck that bitch! Fuck that bitch! Fuck - wi - Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of My Ass! Hahaha! Brruff! Hahaha!
AVGN: Now shortly after the witch you go in the Emerald City.
Cowardly Lion: Yeah, the Emerald Shitty Asshole.
AVGN: Yeah and it's the last stage in the game.
Cowardly Lion: Thank fucking God!

AVGN: Now this is the last room in the game.
Cowardly Lion: About fucking time!
AVGN: All you gotta do is get the two keys in the top two corners.
Cowardly Lion: Get up there!
AVGN: Now, what the fuck? I mean, how am I supposed to get under this flame?
Cowardly Lion: Piss on it!
AVGN: (is unavoidably damaged by the flame) Oh, fuck it.

AVGN: There's no shitty game like this! I'm serious, like, it shouldn't have been made. Like it's almost half as bad as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. And I know it's been like forty something reviews and I'm still talking about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. But I'm serious! It's really almost that bad! FUCK THIS GAME! WATCH IT GO!!! (AVGN throws the game, the same time the Cowardly Lion poops while doing a handstand making the game glued to the ceiling.) DAMN!!! You just plastered the game on my ceiling with your SHIT!

[Outtake]

Cowardly Lion: Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of my balls, Wicked Witch of my dick, Wi-- Wicked Witch of the ass. Wi-- Wicked Witch...
AVGN: [cracking up] Wicked Witch of the ass! [Laughs]

Double Vision Part One[edit]

AVGN: The Intellivision came from Mattel Electronics. Now, you know what else they made? The Power Glove. Now that's a bad sign right there. But it was a great game system for its time.

AVGN: The controls suck ass. And in this regard, the main problem is the controllers! Why a numeric keypad!? This is a video game controller, not a phone! Then there's two little buttons on each side which are usually the fire buttons. It's awkward to handle. And rather than a joystick or a control pad of some kind, you get this weird disc. Sometimes in the heat of the game, you can actually jam your fingernail on it. It also acts as a button, so in total, that's seventeen buttons! And for games this complex, you really need that many.

AVGN: And the games barely fit in the cartridge slot. It's like trying to stick your dick in a Cheerio.

AVGN: Here we have "Tron Deadly Discs." You just run around throwing shit at people. Seems like it would be a fun little game, but what ruins it for me is how ASS the controls are! Rather than having one simple fire button and aiming with the joypad or disc or whatever, the keypad determines which direction you shoot. (He plays game for a few seconds and dies.) Shit da fuck?!?

AVGN: Microsurgeon. (referring to the cartridge cover art) The picture reminds me of Slim Goodbody. I can't believe I'm making that kind of reference. But anyway, you control a barely visible dot on the screen moving around the human body. There's spiders and clouds floating around and, I doubt this thing's medically accurate. You just explore all the guts, technically making it the goriest game ever made. But it only goes so far. I guess the piss and shit zone just didn't do it.

AVGN: OK, now we gotta move on. But let me introduce the Intellivoice Voice Synthesis Module. What the fuck is that!? Well, it makes your games talk. Yeah, now at the time, the idea of having voices in video games was a new thing. But unfortunately only a few games were compatible, like B-17 bomber. (puts the cartridge in the slot)
Intellivoice: Mattel Electronics presents... B-17 Bomber!
AVGN: (mimicking the intellivoice) BEE SEVENTEEN BAWMURR!!

Double Vision Part Two[edit]

AVGN: (Also sprach Zarathustra from 2001: A Space Odyssey plays in the background) What's that? A metamorphic stone rising from the blackness of negative Earth? A towering behemoth of monstrosity brought down by extraterrestrial powers? Or, a giant monolith of death, hell bent on the annihilation of human kind, time, and all matter? No. It's the AC adapter for a Colecovision. (struggles to pick it up.) WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?! Is this necessary!? Look! I can't fit this God-forsaken piece of shit in the electrical outlet, unless there's nothing next to it! What a fucking hog! That's what it is, a self indulgent glutton of a power hog!

AVGN: Next is Campaign '84. Yes, a game based on the presidential campaign. Probably the worst fucking concept for any game in history. First, you pick what you want to accomplish. You know, like what kind of serious issues are on the country? Like "ban all shoelaces"? That's my favorite, 'cause shoelaces are bullshit!

AVGN: "You were seen putting your shoes on before you put on your pants." Okay, well who the hell was watching me get dressed!? If I wanna put my shoes on first, that's my own goddamn business!

AVGN: Robin Hood! I guess you're Robin Hood and you're just shooting the fuck out of people with your arrows. Man, all this violence going on, but the sun is just smiling away.

AVGN: We can spend all day talking about these games and discussing them in-depth. But I only wanted to give you an introduction on two classic gaming consoles. Now I know we mainly focused on the shitty aspects, but let me tell you: That's the name of the game.

AVGN: But before I end it, let's take a look at the Colecovision Expansion Module. Yeah, what gaming system is complete without some kind of peripheral? You plug it in and now you can play Atari 2600 games. That's right, I'm playing Atari on Colecovision, it's competitor. Okay, that would never happen today. That's like if Sony said, "Okay, we're gonna come out with this new expansion module for the Playstation 3. You're gonna be able to play X-Box games on it." ...There would be lawsuits up the ass! And there were more expansion modules. The second one's a steering wheel for the driving games, and the third one connects the fucker to an Adam computer. I wonder if the Addams Family had an Adam computer. Now the fourth expansion module connects it to a dishwasher. And then the fifth and final one... CONNECTS IT TO YOUR ASS!!

The Wizard and Super Mario Bros. 3[edit]

AVGN: (re-enacting when he saw young Fred Savage on the screen when he was interested only in the scenes in the movie where games are shown) Who the hell are you? Go back to the freaking Wonder Years, you piece of shit!

AVGN: I'll put it blunt and simple: This game kicks your ass 'til diarrhea comes out your dick. The only thing better than playing this game would be to have a magic leprechaun come and bring you beer.

AVGN: What does P stand for? And why is there so much P in this game? It's not full of shit, it's full of P.

AVGN: (about World 8) This part doesn't fuck around. It's like "You got to the end. You dare to play? Welcome to Hell!" That's what it looks like. All of this fire and skulls? Looks like Hell! There's sort of like a heart shape around it. Yeah, a heart around Hell. Does that mean that this game loves Hell? This game worships the devil! (looks at a cannon shaped like the cross) Oh my God, of course it does. Why are there so many inverted crosses? (reaches ice blocks shaped like an H) What's the H stand for? "Hell"? How 'bout the part with the tarot cards? The N, "Necronomicon"? The P must be "Possession". Or maybe "Pentagram" - well of course, the pentagram makes an appearance everywhere. There's no doubt that the seven sons of Bowser represent the seven deadly sins. You kneel before Satan on the block and after six seconds, you fall through. There's six arrows on the possession meter, (referring to one particular level) and to reach the goal you go in the sixth door. That's 666! Everywhere you look it's the number of the beast! In The Wizard, the game's introduction is basically the gates of Hell opening.
Video Armaggedon host: Come up here my little beauties!
Corey and Haley: 6! 6! 6!
AVGN: Yeah! "Video Armaggedon." The Devil watches you through the whole game. The clouds have eyes, the hills have eyes - yeah literally, the hills have eyes. (referring to Toad's text "Oh, thank heavens!") Thanks Heaven, and we know that there's no need to thank Heaven unless there's the presence of Hell! There's eight worlds. In the eighth world there's five spaces you can stand on where giant hands drag you down to your doom. There's twelve tanks you gotta jump on before the goal, and it takes me twelve jumps to get Bowser to fall down the hole. The eighth letter of the alphabet is H, five equals E, twelve equals L, what's that spell? HELL! And what's it sound like when you play the game backwards? (the Nerd reverses the video game footage, and whispering sounds play) ...This game's a product of the fucking Devil. And none of the other Mario games are like that, so I don't know why it's only this one. But, in conclusion, all I can say is that, other than being the total epitome of evil, Super Mario Bros. 3, it's a good game. So good it's a sin.

Possessed SMB3 Cartridge: Your mother sucks cocks in Hell!
AVGN: (Picks up the cartridge) ...The fuck did you just say?
Possessed SMB3 Cartridge: I said, "Your mother sucks cocks in Hell."
AVGN: Whoa! (drops the now-flaming cartridge) Go back to Hell, you evil motherfucker!
Possessed SMB3 Cartridge: Shove it up your ass, you mother-fucking cock-sucker!
AVGN: The power of Christ compels you!
Possessed SMB3 Cartridge: What an excellent fucking day for an exorcism!
AVGN: The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!
Possessed SMB3 Cartridge: Yeah, fuck your mother!
AVGN: ...The power of Super Mecha Death Christ compels you!
Super Mecha Death Christ: (enters the room) FUCKERS! FUCKERS!
AVGN: Yeah, Super Mecha Death Christ 2000! B. C. Version 4.0 BETA, BITCH!

AVGN: (after Super Mecha Death Christ destroys the possessed Super Mario Bros. 3 cartridge) Holy shit!
Super Mecha Death Christ: (shoots the Nerd with a laser) WATCH YOUR FUCKING LANGUAGE!

Super Mecha Death Christ: (Noticing all the NES accessories on the Nerd) WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT?!
AVGN: Oh, all this shit? ...I'll tell you all about it.

NES Accessories[edit]

AVGN: (Reviewing the Miracle Piano] Other than having standard lessons, you also get a robot game. Play the song right or the robot dies! Then there's a duck game You gotta shoot the ducks. Oh, come on! (Begins tapping keys rapidly) Yeeaah, I'm shooting ducks with a piano!

AVGN: (reviewing the Power Pad and playing World Class Track Meet with it) It was meant to be a family game, but most kids I knew played it alone in their room. And that meant that if your room was upstairs, your parents would hear like all this thumping and shit. They hated it. Cats and dogs would piss and shit on it. In fact, just thinking about it makes me feel like having an anal evacuation.

AVGN: It's all about pressing buttons, which brings us to our next accessory. Probably the stupidest thing ever invented: The Speedboard. What is it? It's a piece of fucking plastic! You attach your controller - you get it? In case you don't wanna hold the controller with your hands? In case you enjoy playing on the floor, or behind a table? Then this is for you. It's embarrassing. What's the point? To "put the speed at your fingers?" Why in the ass would anyone need that!? If I'm playing a game that involves having to tap the buttons like crazy, I'm probably gonna get a turbo controller, like the NES Max, or NES Advantage. How could they even sell such a thing? Even though it's made by a third party company, it was actually licensed by Nintendo. It's like covering a turd in ice cream sprinkles.

AVGN: (Reviewing the voice-controlled Konami LaserScope] FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! It also has headphones, and it advertises on the box that you can use it for your Game Boy or Walkman. Just detach the scope module, yeah. Wow. Yeah, I would look so cool walking around listening to my iPod with this fucking thing on my head! It also advertises that "Parents will love what they don't hear." It says, "While the LaserScope surrounds the player with the sounds of exciting gameplay action, non players can listen to music, read a book, talk on the phone or have a conversation in the same room." Yeah, while you're saying "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!" Kinda defeats the purpose, right? FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! Fuck! ...I didn't say "fire", I said "FUCK"! FUCK! FUCK-FIRE! FUCK! FUCK! ASS! You can say anything. SHIT! BITCH! CUNT! FUCK! FART! (shifts to Duck Hunt] FUCK! Wow, I just shot down a duck by saying "fuck".

AVGN: (Reviewing the Roll n' Rocker) It's another hunk of plastic! Who made this thing!? (sees it was produced by LJN] Son of a bitch.

AVGN: It doesn't work. It just doesn't work. I need a beer. (drinks Rolling Rock beer, then notices the irony) I'm drinking Rolling Rock on the Roll n' Rocker! Rolling Rock! Roll n' Rocker! Yeah-hah, Rolling Rock on the Roll n' Rocker!

AVGN: (Playing Super Mario Bros. with the U-Force] Get the mushroom, oh - OH! Now that's assy. Yeah, I know I use the word "ass" a lot. I guess you can say I'm an assoholic.

Indiana Jones Trilogy[edit]

AVGN: (reviewing Raiders of the Lost Ark on Atari 2600) This is the whip. It's the same as the gun, just a shorter range! Why is it just a dot?! I know the graphics on the Atari are limited, but don't tell me you can't draw a line!

AVGN: If even a single pixel of your body comes in contact with any of these walls, it sends you back into the trap. But still, where do you go? You're supposed to touch this one spot on the wall which leads you to the next room. Well, after knowing that you can't touch anything else in the room, why the fuck would you even consider trying to go through the wall?! Is there ever such a thing as a door?!

AVGN: You'd expect Indiana Jones to use a whip to swing across, but not an hourglass that turns into a grappling hook!

AVGN: Wow. How complicated can it be for an Atari game? Let alone that this is one of the few Atari games that you can actually beat, whereas most of them are just about trying to get a high score. Now when I say it can be beat, that's hypothetical because honestly I think it'd be easier to find the real Lost Ark. Just the fact you have to feel around for secret passageways and stuff, it makes you feel like Indiana Jones. ...Well, they got me there.

AVGN: (Reviewing Temple of Doom for NES] What's up with Indiana Jones? He looks like a park ranger, and he walks like he just dumped ass.

AVGN: All through the game you keep finding swords and guns and stuff but the big question is What do you do with them? The start button brings up this screen which shows your supplies. But how do you select your weapons? You try every button and nothing works. So what's the point of this screen? Nothing. It's just for shits and giggles. Oh well, we're having fun with our whip in the meantime. Then you find that your whip is pretty useless. You can use it to swing around and kill small insects but any of the regular bad guys, it only make them jitter around and grunt.
Enemy: Huh! Huh!
AVGN: Huh! It should be a dance. (Pretends he's whipping) Huh! Huh! Whip it! Huh! Huh!

AVGN: Some call it a platformer game, some call it an adventure game. I classify it as a "Where the fuck do I go?" kind of game. Yeah, one of those.

AVGN: Who would want to play this!? I'd rather drink buffalo "shizz". It's a combination of shit and jizz. Yeah, that's foul, I apologize.

AVGN: (reviewing The Last Crusade on NES) How is Indiana Jones such a wimp that he can't set foot in water more shallow than a kiddie pool?

AVGN: What dumbasses made this game? I should've sent it to the Marx brothers.

Star Trek[edit]

AVGN: Games. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship NES. Its continuing mission: To explore strange, old consoles; To seek out bad games and review these humiliations; to boldly go where no Nerd has gone before.

AVGN: (Playing Star Trek: The Motion Picture for Vectrex] One thing that's incredibly annoying is this loud buzzing sound. It reacts to the graphics. It's caused by a lack of shielding between the ray tube and the speaker wire. It's penetrating my auditory nerves, I must deactivate this game's power supply.

AVGN: Next up, same game, same name, the name which just rolls off your tongue: Star Trek Strategic Operations Simulator for ColecoVision and Adam Family Computer System.

AVGN: (Playing Star Trek 25th Anniversary for NES] To begin with, the music and the graphics are quite good, but my senses indicate a large deposit of bullshit.

AVGN: If you're a fan of Star Trek, you'll notice it's pretty loyal to the original series, and if you play it for a while, you might be able to get into it and adjust to its crap factor. Not to be confused with warp factor. But for me, most of the time, I just can't figure out where to go or what to do. I tried calling the game a piece of shit, I tried giving it the finger, but verbal and gestural persuasions proved ineffective.

AVGN: (about to destroy the game with a laser gun, but puts the gun down) No. I won't destroy it. Maybe the game designers did the best they could under the given circumstances. (to air) You hear? You'll have to get your entertainment someplace else! (a floating Metron appears in the Nerd's room.) You're a Metron.
Metron: Does my appearance surprise you, Nerd?
AVGN: Not really.
Metron: You surprise me.
AVGN: How?
Metron: By sparing the shitty game, you have demonstrated the advanced trait of mercy.
AVGN: Mercy this, motherfucker! (shoots his laser gun at the Metron's head)

Superman[edit]

AVGN: It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a shitty game! Superman for the Atari 2600. I'm playing it on the 7800 just for variety. But anyway, what could be said about Superman? He's one of the most famous superheros of all time. Even the word "super" is in his name. A word that implies excellence, outstanding quality and brilliant divine maginificence! (Gameplay of the Atari 2600 game is shown) Yeah, this sucks.

AVGN: (reviewing Superman on Atari 2600) The whole game is based around the clock - it's all about getting the fastest time, but the only thing that'll eventually happen is you'll throw the game out the window faster than a speeding bullet!

AVGN: (reviewing Superman on NES) You have a map screen which seems like it should be self-explanatory enough, but there's times when you have to use a subway train. "Oops! You can't ride the subway with no pass!" What, are you kidding me? He's Superman! He needs to buy a fuckin' ticket?!

AVGN: There's no reason to talk to anybody in this game. It's like in Castlevania II: Simon's Quest. The whole game is full of people who tell you things that don't make any sense or have any relevance with the game. For example, this old woman tells you not to "look into the Death Star, or you will die". Well, the Death Star is nowhere in the game. Both of these games were released in 1988. Now that must have been the year of people talking and not making sense in video games. (talks to an NPC in Superman) "Haven't you seen the movie, Superman?" Yeah, I did, actually! It's nothing like this garbage!

AVGN: (discussing the stage intermission screen resembling a Daily Planet newspaper) What? "Daily Planets"? Isn't it just the Daily Planet? I don't know, I've had enough of this. Wait a minute. "Stock Market Panic! Stock prices fall!"? What, are we talking about stocks now? "Find out why stock prices have fallen". "You'll learn about stocks at the stock market." Okay, that's the goal here? To go to the stock market? Oh my god. Do you remember being a kid? Do you remember playing Nintendo? What kind of things were you interested in? Comic books? Video games? Uhhm... the stock market? Yeah, do you think any kid playing this game gives a shit about the fucking stock market?! Just, just, w-wh-why? W-wh-why make a game that has anything to do with stocks or taxes or politics? You just don't do that! It's like "What were they thinking!?" Stocks?! I just can't... I just... puh-(raspberry). Augh, God. I just... what a shitload of fuck. That's enough for me. This game is just so awful that it can't be explained. I can review it for another hour and it won't make a difference. It's an unreviewable game. Can not be done justice! If you want to play it and see for yourself, I dare you. But just one warning: You will not be happy. Oh wait, this guy here just gave me a password? What's that for? Like if I want to continue here where I left off? Well, that's completely useless. There's no way I would ever need this password and you wanna know why? Because I'm never fucking playing this game again in my life! (Tosses the game out the window)

Superman 64[edit]

AVGN: Okay the wait is finally over. This is the review that everybody wants to see. Here it is, Superman... on Commodore 64.

AVGN: Remember those early CD based consoles like the PlayStation and you'd always have to wait for everything to load? Well, it's nothing like that; this thing actually takes 2 minutes and 7 seconds. Yeah, I timed it. Then the title screen starts up with the music, and you're like, "WOW!" But wait, what the hell's this? Type in the character that appears in "column: 09 row:10"? Oh, come on! I gotta get the code card. Yeah, the code card. Match up the damn numbers and there you go, it's 5. WHY DO I GOTTA DO THAT!? So you pick your difficulty, and guess what? It's gotta load again! Fifty-four seconds this time. Not long, but seems like an eternity. So anyway, you get this comic book storyline thing, and then- [the "NOW LOADING" screen appears yet again] You son of a bitch. Probably two weeks later when you finally start playing the game, you'll be surprised that the graphics are quite decent and the gameplay is self-explanatory. You just fly around and shoot stuff. You don't have to be Clark Kent and find subway passes or any bullshit like that, so it's actually better than the Nintendo version. But that's not saying much. That's like saying the shit that I took last night was better than the shit I took the day before.

AVGN: The third level is a side scroller so it has some variety. But this is one of the most annoying stages in video game history. Whenever you get hit, you fly back! Fuck... fuck! FUCK! FUUUCCCKK!! That's enough of this shit! [Turns off the Commodore 64]

AVGN: But wait, this isn't what you want to see, is it? Nah, you want to see this, right? (holds up Superman 64 cartridge) Aw, come on, you really wanna make me play this? Well, I'm gonna do it just for you, 'cause I like ya a lot. Now don't take that too serious.

AVGN: First, you're greeted by a smiling cartoon fox. "Titus"? What the fuck is that?

AVGN: You all probably know better than I, and it goes without saying, but this game is horrendous! And you know what the most pathetic thing about it is? This game isn't even ten years old! Just barely. You think that by 1999 there would be some kind of quality standard. [Superman gets stuck] What? I'm stuck? How the hell am I stuck? I'm underneath the bridge! Looks like Superman's stroking his super dick.

AVGN: [Superman is flying upside down on the ground] Oh man, what is he doing? Exercises? This is so ridiculous. This game isn't just bad, it's really bad! I'm not even kidding around, IT'S FUCKING HORSESHIT!! [trying the ring segment again] Almost there, less than 10 seconds. Come on, I can just barely make it! Look, there's the last ring! [the time limit runs out] FUCK! ASS! BITCH! CUNT! FART! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! There was only one ring left!

AVGN: I can't believe I'm playing a Superman game where all you do is fly through rings! At first I thought this was the training mode. Yeah, you know, like to test your accuracy? Lots of games have that. Remember Star Fox for the Super Nintendo? There's a training mode where you have to fly through rings. But even then, you don't have to go through all the rings, it's about how many you can get through in a row. In the actual game, you're flying around shooting at enemies and dodging obstacles. So what the hell is this shit!? You should be fighting bad guys, not testing your flight skills with some of the worst control accuracy ever in a video game!

AVGN: And am I really doing this? Is this a Superman game? Flying through rings? Is that the best they could come up with? That's like if they made a Batman game where all he does is just play hopscotch.

AVGN: (after finishing the car-carrying stage 4) So I get to the goal, and guess what's next? Seriously, I want you to just take a guess what comes after this. More rings. Yeah. What kind of game is this!? Is this some sort of insanity test!? Well, I'm done. I'm sorry, but that's all I can do. This game doesn't even qualify as shit! It's like the equivalent of shit taking a shit! This is unspeakably, shockingly bad. It's sickeningly loathsome! It's a fucking suffering to the mind! It's a bunch of fuck and it doesn't belong on this planet! Somebody's gotta take care of it! This is a job for the fucking Nerd! (unbuttons his shirt to reveal a blue Superman shirt. Flies up to the sun and tosses the game into into it)

Batman Part One[edit]

AVGN: (Reviewing Batman: The Caped Crusader for Commodore 64) The first enemies you encounter are what I think are toy airplanes and gargoyles or bats which take shits on you. Yeah, if you look close enough, you can see the little shit bombs dropping out of their asses.

AVGN: Well anyway, game sucks, gotta give it the Batman punishment! (holds the floppy disk close to his face and hisses) I'm Batman.

AVGN: [After reviewing Batman Returns on Atari Lynx] Alright, well this one gets the official Bat stamp of shit! Onto the next game, but first, gotta tell it I'm Batman. I'm Batmannnnnnnnnnnnnn.

AVGN: Next up, Batman Forever for the Super Nintendo. Now we're in deep shit because this game is triceratops testicles.

AVGN: (Referring to how the controls in Batman Forever bear a resemblance to Mortal Kombat) I almost expect to see Batman rip someone's spinal cord out.

AVGN: Fuck! Shit! Get up there! THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT! You'd think to shoot up you just press up, but no! It jumps! Sometimes I get it to work by pure luck until I found out that, okay, this is how it works: To shoot up, you press select and up in a very specific way. You have to press select slightly before you press jump. If you do it correctly, it shoots the grappling hook straight up in the air. But if you press them both at the same time, you just jump! That's a good reason why the jump button SHOULD NOT BE UP!! WHY CAN'T IT BE ONE OF THE FUCKING BUTTONS?!! HAVING THE FUCKING UP BUTTON JUMP IS FUCKING FUCKED UP!!! If THIS (up) aims your grappling hook and THIS (B button) jumped, then it would be fine. But no! They gotta be the same button!

AVGN: So you just lumber all around trying to figure out where to go, and whenever you access a new part of the game, it says "Hold On". Hold on for what!? It has to FUCKING load!!? It's also interesting to note that you have the option of playing as Robin. But who would do that? I wanna be Batman!

AVGN: THIS IS FUCKED BEYOND BELIEF!!! It's like, the controls in this game are like something you do for a cheat code, not a basic move that you have to do in order to play the game! Why'd they program it in such an asinine, ball-brained, cockamamie, ridiculous fashion?! It's like, geez, there's four buttons right in the front of the controller! LIKE THAT'S NOT ENOUGH TO WORK WITH?!? Instead they have to, like, program it like all into, like, weird kinda crazy button combinations and shit!? It's like, what were they thinking?! It's like, up is jump!? Select for the grappling hook!? Select shouldn't even be part of the game, select should be like for the menus or something, I mean, geez! Like, were they trying to just ruin this game - just, flat out just fuck it up?! Well they did! "Batman Forever", it sucked back then, and it sucks forever! [takes the game out of the Super Nintendo and stares at it.] I'm Batman.

Batman Part Two[edit]

AVGN: You can even make Batman dance to the music because when you press up, he turns his head. (Batman turns his head in time to the music)
The Joker: Ooh, the Bat Dance! Ooh hoo hoo! (begins dancing and laughing)
AVGN: I don't know what purpose that has. When you get to the boss, the music sounds incredibly familiar. (The boss music from "Return of the Joker" plays, followed by Crash Man's stage from "Megaman 2") Megaman 2? Yeah, it does sound like that, just a lot faster.

AVGN: You're slipping around on the ice, trying not to fall, and all these tornadoes keep flying at ya. Even after a lot of trial and error, it's still next to impossible trying not to get hit by these things. Come on, you fucking tornado piece of shit, I know you're there, just inching forward, I know you're there. FUCK!!

AVGN: Look at this pandemonium! There's a fucking ceiling waiting to come down and kill me, there's a guy throwing an oil drum, if I try to get out of the way I get hit by these rotating blades and shit. I take the guy down, and then I try to set off the ceiling trap, and... I'm dead.
The Joker: (cackles maniacally at his misfortune)
AVGN: SHUT UP!
The Joker: (momentarily taken aback) FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER! (resumes laughing)

AVGN: So, overall it's really not the worst Batman game, it's not really that bad of a game in general, it just has some things about it that suck...
The Joker: Oh! Would you like to play a bad game, Batman?
AVGN: Uh, no thanks...
The Joker: How about the Game Boy version of Return of the Joker! (cackles and hands the game and the Game Boy to the Nerd while the latter stares in shock) Have fun, motherfucker!

AVGN: (playing Batman: Return of the Joker on Game Boy) The controls are like trying to get a horse to wipe its ass on an eagle.

AVGN: I swear that these games were programmed by the Joker.

AVGN: (playing Batman: Revenge of the Joker on Sega Genesis) What's with the gargoyle statues? You shoot them and get nothing. What's the point? And why does it hurt you to touch them? BATMAN CAN'T EVEN TOUCH A FUCKING STATUE?!

AVGN: (After subduing the Joker) I'm gonna shove these fucking games up your ass! Batman: Revenge of the Joker! (Joker screams) Batman: Return of the Joker! (Joker screams) Batman Forever! (Joker screams) Batman: Return of the Joker on Game Boy! (Joker screams again) And last but not least, Batman on Commodore 64!! (Joker screams three times)

Deadly Towers[edit]

AVGN: Oh, this must be why the attack is so slow. Our hero must pass the blades out of his cock! Hell, if broadswords shooting out of my cock was my only defense against purple inchworms and bats, I'd probably let them kill me. Since when are you supposed to just throw a sword, anyway? I mean, swinging it at your enemy would've worked nicely. But no! He throws it! And where the hell does he get all these swords? Even the manual says, "You have no confidence in this sword." What the fuck kind of advice is that? It's like saying "Buddy, if you play this game, YOU'RE GONNA GET FUCKED UP THE ASSHOLE WITH A PORCUPINE!! GOOD FUCKING LUCK DOUCHEBAG!" It's almost like the game just wants to fucking piss you off! Every screen in this game is just a clusterfuck of shitty bad guys to fight! Oh great, I'm being attacked by balls! Blue balls, no less! Oddly enough, they're the hardest to kill for some reason. They take like twenty damn hits! THEY'RE JUST FUCKING BALLS!

AVGN: You get an inventory screen. It's empty right now, but it seems pretty standard, tells you your life and everything. It also has this thing called "Ludder". Yeah, it says you have 50 ludder. I can only assume that that's currency so I Googled it to check what it meant, and according to an urban dictonary, "Ludder" means "Cheap-Ass Hoe." So, therefore, we're already starting out with fifty cheap-ass hoes so we're doing alright for ourselves. I wonder what the exchange rate is for the expensive whores? Maybe we'll find out later.

AVGN: Oh, and the music. The bubbly sound of ripping ass isn't even an adequate way to describe the music in this game. Imagine taking a phonograph machine, submerging it in diarrhea, and wiring it to a horse's ass to use it as a speaker! It makes nails on a chalkboard sound like fucking Mozart!

AVGN: And do people normally spin like that when they fall off of something? Reminds me of shit spinning down the fucking toilet!

AVGN: When they named this game Deadly Towers, they weren't kidding. The last time I saw towers this deadly is when they decided the horses needed more fiber in their diets. This game is so fucking hard, it's easier to lift an elephant with my ass while singing "Old MacDonald".

AVGN: (in German) DAS SPIEL IST SCHEIßE!! DIESES SPIEL FICKT DICH HÄRTER ALS DAS LEBEN! - (translates as "THIS GAME IS SHITTY!! THIS GAME FUCKS YOU HARDER THAN REAL LIFE!) Well, I gave that a try.

AVGN: This game is like a never-ending turd that bends around and goes into your mouth, thus creating an endless cycle of eating your own shit while it's taking a crap - and occasionally puking up the same - for all eternity! This is so bad, Satan wouldn't even accept it if you offered it with your soul! I'd rather suck the dry shit out of Chewbacca's ass fur! Fuck this game! No better yet, don't fuck this game. Don't let your friends fuck it. It's UNFUCKWORTHY! This game is just an orgy of ass!!! This game is a chicken-lickin'-finger-fucking-son-of-a-bitch! This game is ball-cider! The Assholians bow down to this piece of shit! In other words, the game sucks.

Battletoads[edit]

AVGN: (Kyle Justin sits on the couch next to the Nerd instead of hiding behind it like he usually does) Who the fuck are you?
Kyle Justin: I'm your guitar guy. I sing your theme song... from behind the couch...?
AVGN: WELL THEN GO BACK BEHIND THE DAMN COUCH! Geez!
Kyle Justin: You know, that's not the welcome I really expected.
AVGN: Well look, you can't just sit here while I do the review.
Kyle Justin: Why can't I do the review with you?
AVGN: Oh we - 'CAUSE THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS! I play the game, and you, GET YOUR ASS BACK BEHIND THE FUCKING COUCH!!
Kyle Justin: (about to cry) I don't ever get to do anything! You don't even use my song that much anymore!
AVGN: Why are you always behind my damn couch anyway!?
Kyle Justin: There are no other couches to go behind!

AVGN: The intro shows three Toads: Rash, Pimple and Zitz. Why such disgusting names? How about: Herpes, Genital Warts, and Gonorrhea?

AVGN: And when you pause the game, you get this catchy beat. (pauses the game. The Nerd and Kyle rock out to the beat.) What's the point of that? When you pause the game, it should just be quiet.

AVGN: (after Kyle's battletoad died and both players got the game over screen, Level 3 restarts) What? You got to be fucking kidding me. YOU DIED, but we both have to restart the level!
Kyle Justin: Sorry.
AVGN: THAT'S BULLSHIT!!! THAT'S TERRIBLE PROGRAMMING!!! How is it fair that when one player dies, they both have... and my lives aren't replenished! I still have just one extra life! That means I'm going to die next and then we're both going to have to start over again! Watch it! Watch it!
Kyle Justin: I know! I know! (Nerd's battletoad knocks off Kyle's battletoad into a pit) What the fuck!
AVGN: I swear I didn't mean to do that! I was trying to hit the guy!

AVGN: Fuck that! There's reason why the game should be programmed this way! AND WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO STAND FOR IT!!!
Kyle Justin: ARGH, TO HELL WITH THIS SHIT!
AVGN: TO HELL WITH THIS FUCKIN' SHIT!
Kyle Justin: TO HELL WITH THIS BANANA-BUFFALO-WEARING... BASTARD BULLSHIT!!!
AVGN: Yeah, now you're talkin! All right!! So anyway, Battletoads...
Kyle Justin: I'M GOING BEHIND THE COUCH!
AVGN: Yeah, you do that! Go bunker yourself from all these, like, shitty games! Yeah so, Battletoads is not a two player game. Having a second player is as convenient as having a siamiese bulldog attached to your anus. It's just, w - like, with one player it's hard! But with two, it's virtually unplayable!
Kyle Justin: (singing) He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard.
AVGN: YOU BET YOUR ASS!!!
Kyle Justin: He's the Angry Video Game Nerd.

Dick Tracy[edit]

AVGN: You know, Dick Van Dyke is in the movie. You think that's enough Dicks? Like seriously, when this movie came out, I never said "Dick" so much before in my life. Every kid was running around the block saying "Dick Tracy! Dick Tracy! Dick this and Dick that!" My dad said, "Can't you just call him Richard Tracy?" and I was like, you know, "How is Dick short for Richard?" That doesn't even make any sense. It's like Bill and William, Jim and James. But at least Bill and Will rhyme and Jim and James both start with a J, but Richard and Dick? Like nobody ever says "Dickard". But anyway, I'm gonna tell you all about the NES game, and boy, is it an experience! Now I'm just going to give you my impression of it and I'm not really going to go all out and like dress up as Dickard or anything like that. I already did that for Halloween when I was 10.
[Footage is shown of a young James Rolfe dressed up as Dick Tracy]
Young James: I got a rock.
AVGN: Yeah, a rock. Just like Charlie Brown! That sums the whole thing up! I was laughing back then, but I'm not fucking laughing now.

AVGN: During the gameplay, there's no status screen where you can bring up the clues or anything. Why wouldn't a detective bring the notepad with him? Dumb Dick! When I play a game, all I want is the NES, a TV, and the controller. Also preferably a couch to sit on. But what I don't want is a pen and paper to write down fucking clues!

AVGN: (trying to jump and collect a clue) Ughn, your mother! Fuck. Fuck! FUCK! FUUUUUUUCK! Could they have put this clue in a more unreachable spot?!

AVGN: (After realizing you must have five clues before arresting Numbers) You gotta be fucking kidding me! That's ridiculous! ...Like, WHAT?! Like, you have to travel all around and go to five different buildings, four to get the clues, and then the last one to arrest Numbers, ALL WITHOUT DYING ONCE!!! THAT'S WHORESHIT!!!! And I didn't say horseshit, I said whoreshit. 'LIKE A WHORE TAKING A SHIT!!!' (drinks Rolling Rock) You know, remember when you were a little kid, it was fucking Friday, you did all your homework and you rented a game from the local video store. And this was it! This was your whole weekend, this one game. You didn't have anything else to do, so you had no choice but to keep playing that first part of the game over and over and over again! And it's like, "YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S LIKE I WANT TO SEE THE REST OF THE GAME!" YOU CAN'T JUST LET THE GAME FUCKING WIN LIKE THAT! So THAT'S why you don't give up!

AVGN: THIS IS THE REASON WHY GAME GENIE WAS INVENTED! I'VE BEEN PLAYING THIS GAME FOR ALMOST TWENTY FUCKING YEARS AND I STILL CAN'T GET PAST THE FIRST STAGE! So why am I still trying? I don't know, I'm just a sucker for Dick Tracy! "Sucker for Dick"? That didn't sound good. I'm gonna tell you right now that anybody would've given up on this game had it not been for the name. They made one of the most frustrating games of all time, they took the name Dick Tracy and slapped it on the cover just like slapping their own greedy dick. Well, if this game is dick, then we were the balls. And you know, I really wanted to give it a chance because I KINDA LIKED the idea of finding clues and figuring out where to go, like it made you think like a detective. But one guy!? No continues!? Like seriously, give me a reason why there's no continues! Why are there no continues!? WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKING CONTINUES?!! WHYYYYY?!!! (yells, drinks, and does a Mortal Kombat scream into a pillow. A montage sequence of the Nerd going insane is shown) FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCKING- FUCK! FUCKING- FUUUUCK!!! FUUUUUUUUUCK!!! (drinks more Rolling Rock, takes out a drill, drills a hole through the game cartridge, causing it to spin uncontrollably, and smashes it with a hammer)

Dracula[edit]

AVGN: (Playing The Count on the Commodore VIC-20, the Nerd types in "Eat pillow" when the game text asks him what he wants to do. The game responds "Yuck!") Okay, so I ate the pillow? I didn't expect that. "Get up." (Game responds "I'm in a bedroom. Closed window. Brass Bed. North.") Uhhh...okay. "Go north." (Game responds "OK. What shall I do now?") Okay, so I went north? What did that do? "Go east." (Game responds "OK. What shall I do now?") "Go east again." (Game responds "Use 1 or 2 words only!") Oh okay. I'll give you two words! "Fuck you!" (Game responds "Don't know how to "FUCK" something." The Nerd looks on in shock, and does a facepalm)

AVGN: (Playing the unreleased Drac's Night Out on NES, which features Reebok Pumps as a power-up) Your only real power-ups are the Reebok Pumps. They let you run faster and jump higher. You really need to get these shoes, because without them, you get your ass handed to you. That's what I call a powerup, and that's what I call a promotion. Reebok Pumps! You ain't shit without it! Pump it up and air it out!

AVGN: Even though it pisses me off, I can't really complain because this game was never released. It's like somebody took a shit and buried it and then someone else decided to dig it up. It's like "What do you expect?"

AVGN: (Upon finding the name of television producer Fred Fuchs in the credits for Bram Stoker's Dracula on SNES) Wait, who's this? Fred Fuchs - Fred Fucks?! ...FRED FUCKS?! ...Fred Fucks! Oh my God, "Fred Fucks"! Ohh, my God, it's Fred Fucks! awwhaha, Fred Fucks.

AVGN: (Playing Bram Stoker's Dracula on Sega CD) I actually did manage to get to Dracula, at least in his first form, and he looks just as laughable as he did in the movie. But the most ridiculous part is when you die.
Keanu Reeves: (Growls)
AVGN: (Mocking Keanu) HRRRRRGGGGHHH! What the hell, is that clip even from the movie? I don't know, maybe it's from Bill & Ted.

Frankenstein[edit]

AVGN: (after shutting off Franken-Nerd, who was playing The Adventures of Dr. Franken for the Nerd up until then) The biggest mistake Dr. Frankenstein made. If you're gonna make a monster, you better be able to shut it down. ...But unfortunately, I can't shut off the game, for the monsters in my soul. It's my duty - heh, "doody" - to play it for myself and explain why this game sucks! 'Cause I created a monster, and there's no turning back.

AVGN: (Playing Frankenstein: The Monster Returns on the NES] Stage four is the final stage. Yeah they chose to keep the game as short as possible, yet as annoying as possible. This place is all fucked up. There's all these weird faces in the background. Like where are you supposed to be? Beside Satan's asshole?

AVGN: I really hate this password thing in general because, what's the point? You should have unlimited continues. Yeah, because the only reason you should have to put in a password is if you turn the game off and want to come back to it later. As long as you're still playing, you're gonna keep playing the same stages over and over and over again, so what's the point of sending you all the way back to the beginning? The earlier stages are the easiest, and those are the stages you end up playing the most. It's the later stages where you need the most practice! It's all about trial and error. Like imagine if in high school, you fail out of senior year. What happens? You do senior year again, right? You don't have to go back and do freshman year again! So, BOTTOM LINE, HAVE UNLIMITED CONTINUES! Goddammit!

AVGN: Anyway, I can't get past the vines so I'm going to cheat with Game Genie, the last resort. But check out these codes! "Almost unlimited energy", "Invincibility after losing first life - May cause the game to freeze", "Start with no continues", "Can not collect extra energy", and "One hit is fatal"! What kinds of codes are these!? Is there like some sick fuck who thinks the game isn't hard enough? Like somebody who wants to be tortured some more? Well, how about this? I got a code for you. How about a code that just starts you off dead? (Subtitle: "PHUCKEWE")

CD-i Part One[edit]

AVGN: These games are notorious for their legendary ass suckage, which is hard to believe! How can there exist a bad Zelda game, let alone three of them? And on a console that's not Nintendo? Well if you haven't heard of 'em, you might think you're living under a rock, but let me tell you, it's a rock worth living under.

AVGN: But before we get to the Zelda games, let's start off with Hotel Mario. The price on this one, I got to be honest, was zero because this one was a donation. Thanks, Casey! You might as well have sent me a turd wrapped in tinfoil.

AVGN: So, often, you find yourself having to hit up on the down arrow, and when you go down to the up arrow you press down. That's fucking confusing.

CD-i Part Two[edit]

Zelda: Link, go to Gamelon and find my father.
Link: GREAT! I can't wait to bomb some Dodongos!
AVGN: God! Way more corny than the Link from the TV series! But these scenes are only the icing on the shit cake.

AVGN: (Playing Zelda: The Wand Of Gamelon) Let's talk about the ropes. You use them for climbing all those tough-to-reach platforms. But why you can only use a rope one time makes no sense! Why does Zelda have to carry around 20 fucking ropes? Why can't she use the same one?

AVGN: It's also strange to get people to talk, you stab them with your sword.
Hungry woman: I'd give anything for an Arpagos Egg!
George the Chef: My cakes will burn!
AVGN: Just to hear stupid shit like that.

AVGN: (discussing the boss battles) When you kill them, you get these amusing cutscenes.
Hectan: YOU'VE KILLED ME!!
Zelda: Good!
AVGN: (horrified face) "Good!" (laughs) "You killed me!" "Good!" (laughs insanely, then starts saying "FUCK!" in a very chicken-like voice while giving both middle fingers. Then he stops and picks up Rolling Rock) Gotta calm down. (drinks it, then resumes playing) Oh, man, I'm going completely insane. But I can't quit because I'm up to Ganon.
Ganon: YOU DARE BRING LIGHT TO MY LAIR!? YOU MUST DIE!
AVGN: He looks like a joke! He makes the Ganon from the cartoon series look badass!

AVGN: Well, in conclusion, some might say that there are redeeming factors to this game. The music's pretty cool, and the graphics are nice and colorful. Some might call it a mixed bag. ...But let me tell you what kind of mixed bag! It's a trash bag that's had a bad day. Like, say your mom cleans out the cat litter. Fresh and stale doody pebbles go right in the bottom of the bag. And then your sister throws out her used tampons, and where do they go? In the same bag! And then your brother comes home, piss-ass drunk, just upchucks - pukes right into the bag! Now, I'm not trying to be disgusting, but that is a realistic situation, and what it all comes down to: That's a nasty bag! But I'd rather take that shit out to the garbage than deal with this piece of fuck! FUCK THIS GAME! GET OUT OF MY FACE! And you know what the worst part about it is? ...I still have two left!

CD-i Part Three[edit]

AVGN: (Playing Link: The Faces of Evil) It's time to start droppin' some F-Bombs! (as literal F-Bombs drop out of his mouth) FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!!

AVGN: The darkness is still a huge issue. Look, my lantern oil ran out, so I can't find my way back. So I'm really up Shit Creek without a paddle! And that means I'm paddling through the shit with my hands.

AVGN: Talking to people is still a strange ordeal. Why do you have to shove a sword up their ass? Right up their ass!

AVGN: Then you gotta wake Zelda. Come on! I'm here to rescue your royal ass. Get the hell up! Wake the fuck up! (swings the sword at the gong above Zelda) Oh, I get it.
Link: I just saved you from Ganon! I won!
AVGN: Nothing short of poetry.

AVGN: I don't believe this! Like, I-I seriously don't believe this! [drinks beer] That's it, that's all I can take. How could they fuck up Zelda this bad!? It's not a Zelda game, I wouldn't call it that. "Oh, but it is. It has Zelda in it, it has Link..." Yeah, you know what, that's a pointless argument right there. That's like if your dad said, "I fucked your mom." It's like: "I can't argue with that!" Playing these games is as worthwhile as melting a dog turd in a frying pan. Yeah, put some buffalo puke and some cat piss all over it, and you have a shit sandwich that is Zelda CD-i! This game FUCKING SUCKS! (hurls a game off-screen) FUCKING SUCKS! (hurls a second game off-screen) FUCKING SUCKS! (hurls a third game off-screen) Oh yeah, and the Mario game? That one sucks too! (hurls Hotel Mario off-screen) CD-i SUCKS!!! (as the screen fade to black, AVGN is heard seemingly hurling the CD-i console itself as well)

Bible Games II[edit]

AVGN: Welcome to another sacrilegious Christmas fuck-fest!

AVGN: (playing Exodus on the NES] So the exit appears, you take it and then you get a bunch of Bible questions such as "The king of Egypt told the Hebrew midwives to: Kill male babies; Kill all babies;" "Kill all babies"? I'm playing an NES game that says "Kill all babies"? And you know what? That's the wrong answer, so that obviously means that's something they made up. "Kill all babies"!

AVGN: (playing Menace Beach) But the most interesting thing about this game is that between each level, you see your girlfriend begging you to rescue her, and each time, her clothes gradually disappear. The first time playing this, I didn't even realize what was happening. She says "I've been here so long my clothes are starting to rot." Seriously, that's the only explanation. I think she would die of starvation before her clothes would rot! But the funny thing is that it's a strangely effective way to get you to play the game, because just for curiosity's sake, it makes you wonder, "How much of her clothes are going to come off?" It's like, "Hey, we got this horrible, shitty game, but there's a girl taking her clothes off, so you gotta keep playing!" How did this turn into a Bible game!?

AVGN: (playing Sunday Funday which is a clone of Menace Beach) Instead of trying to rescue your girl, you're not even going to believe this when I tell you, you're trying to get to Sunday school. Yeah. Now, as much as that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard for a game, what I don't understand is why that's so difficult! Who are these raging atheists that don't want you to go to church!? It's bad enough that the entire town is trying to stop you, but what's with the flying clowns, the old ladies coming out of boxes, and animals coming out of sewer holes? What's this guy's problem? Like why does everyone want him dead? I'd say he's having quite a day. And the funny thing is, he probably gets to church and doesn't even mention it, like: "Oh what did you do on this Sunday morning before church?" "Oh, well I flew on a balloon that I got from some clown, and then I went through the sewers and beat up a bunch of plumbers. I hopped on some frog and bounced around on a bunch of springs and shit, then I threw a bomb and blew some guy's fucking face off."

AVGN: The only other thing I've noticed that's been changed are some of the enemies. Ninjas are now kids, and these Elvis-looking guys are now plumbers. Maybe ninjas were too violent, and Elvis's devilish rock n' roll was too much for a religious game. But everything else fits perfectly fine.

AVGN: All right, well that's enough with that one. It's time to wrap things up. I've got something to blow the lid off the crap barrel. Time to flick the shit switch, turn up the diarrhea dial! IT'S BIBLE GAMES ON CD-I!! Yeah! We're living on the edge! More like living on a prayer!

AVGN: (on Moses: The Exodus for CD-i) Then there's this connect the dots bullshit. If you miss the dot, you get this irritating voice.
Child's voice: Whoops!
AVGN: If you get the dot, you get the irritating voice.
Child's voice: Yippie!
AVGN: And it never fucking stops!
Child's voice: Yippie! Yippie! Yippie! Whoops! Yippie! Yippie! Yippie! Whoops! Yippie!
AVGN: Is that really necessary!? Like, what, are they fucking crazy!?

Season Four[edit]

Michael Jackson's Moonwalker[edit]

AVGN: Michael Jackson's Moonwalker. Right off the bat, you wanna laugh. I know you do. But think back to the 80's, when everybody was into Michael Jackson. Sure, now he's the subject of joke and ridicule, but you gotta remember, I think Dave Chapelle said it best: he made Thriller. (opens the LP sleeve) ...Thriller.

AVGN: So, all you do is go around, kick fairy dust at people, and rescue kids. Yeah, you can't advance to the next level until you get all the kids. ...Now, I know what we're all thinking here, but really, that's all it is. You're just rescuing... the kids.

AVGN: There's a variety of special moves which are kind of cool. Michael can spin, throw his hat, grab his... crotch? (looks on in shock) Why? Why would they put that in the game!? How could they put that in the game!?

AVGN: (after grabbing the invincibility-mode power-up) Oh man, he just changed from Michael Jackson to Mecha-Jackson, the King of Robo-Pop! It's enough that you're invisible for a brief moment, but you can fly, you can shoot lasers, and you can scatter bombs all over. This... is one of the most awesome things I've ever seen. Only problem: You can't rescue kids. I guess they don't respond too well to giant laser-shooting robots.

Milon's Secret Castle[edit]

AVGN: The first thing that bugs me is the weapon. Why bubbles? Why not a sword, or magic lightning bolts, or fireballs, or a gun, or undefined pixelized pieces of shit? Fucking anything but bubbles! What, is this game for little girls?!

AVGN: The first door leads to a room that has nothing interesting. The only thing interesting thing here is an area with a bunch of money. But how the hell do you get over there? It's like the game is deliberately taunting you. "Hey, you want that money, don't you? You want that money. Yeah, you want that money - you want that money? Yeah well fuck you! You can't have it."

AVGN: How did they design a game where all you have are two doors that lead to rooms that lead back to the same door? It's a maze that has no end. So that's when you need the power. Nintendo Power! It's like "You wanna know how to beat the game? Well, you gotta buy our magazine you dumb little shits!" (reads) This is the Classified Information section. Usually this is all about cheats; "Golgo 13 - Stage Select", "Spy Hunter - Start with all weapons", "Wizards & Warriors - Bypass the Wizard", "Mario 2 - Shortcuts to Birdo", "Milon's Secret Castle - Getting Started"? ...That's not a cheat! That's just how to play the fucking game! The basic rules of the game needed Nintendo Power! That is some fuck!

AVGN: In this issue, there's a section in "Counselor's Corner" where gamers' questions are answered. Why "Counselor's Corner"? Because you're going to need counseling after you're done with this shit. Alright, so let's see what it has to say. (reads for a moment, then realizes that in his game his character's getting attacked by lightning bolts outside the castle) What the hell?! I was just standing outside the castle minding my own business when lightning bolts start coming down. Isn't this supposed to be the safe spot? Imagine if any other game had that; If you're like on the overworld or map screen, and then all of a sudden, shit starts attacking!

AVGN: Milon's Secret Castle: MORE LIKE MILON'S SHITTY ASSHOLE!!! Looks like it could have been a good game, but instead, they were just fucking jerking off!

AVGN: The whole game is based on secrets. But there is a difference between secret and just fucking impossible! FUCK THIS GAME!!!

Atari Jaguar Part One[edit]

AVGN: Atari, ah yes. A name so dearly loved from the golden age of history. A magical time where there was no Internet, no cell phones; just electronic video games. ...Okay, it was the Dark Ages.

AVGN: The debates amongst the fans and Sega's marketing campaign came down to one simple fact: The Genesis was 16-bit and the NES was only 8. This started a little trend I like to call the "Bit Wars." Nobody ever talked about bits before that and nobody ever talked about bits since. And what are bits, anyway? Nobody knew, they're just bits! Try explaining that to your parents. "Well I want a Super Nintendo for Christmas!" "Don't you already have a Nintendo?" "Yeah, but this one's 16 bit!" "What's that?" "...I dunno."

AVGN: But in 1993, one console would come along to remind us that bits aren't everything. It was the Atari Jaguar, and it was announced as the first 64-bit game system. We were like "Daaamn! Sixty-four!? That's like four times the bits!" Even the official advertising slogan said "Do the math."

AVGN: Let's try Checkered Flag. This showcases the graphic capabilities a little more, just the fact it puts you into a three-dimensional environment. But compare it to F-Zero on Super Nintendo: 48 bits less, but a million times more appealing to the eye.

Atari Jaguar Part Two[edit]

AVGN: (playing Attack of the Mutant Penguins) This is the weirdest game I've ever played. I mean, it's not bad if you're drunk or high or something, but how did they come up with this shit? I got it. I could come up with a game like this. How about, you're a shark? And you gotta shake palm trees 'til trains fall down. And you put the trains in an apple and then turkeys come and eat the apples, and then the turkeys go up waterfalls and to get them down, you have to collect monkey butts. So you drop the monkey butts on power lines and... (imitates his brain exploding)

AVGN: (playing Kasumi Ninja, referring to Angus MacGreggor's special move) The special moves are ridiculous. Like what is this!? He shoots fireballs out his dick!? Or maybe it's a gaping flame vagina? Who the fuck knows, somebody was not right in the head. This game is fucking horrible. But how do you wash down the bad taste of one shitty game? With another.

Skylar: (the green face from Cybermorph appears from behind AVGN's futon and chases him off) Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly?
AVGN: (shoots Skylar's image with the Super Scope) Where'd you learn to be an asshole?!

AVGN: (commenting on the Jaguar CD] And that's some cool looking design. It looks just like a toilet. Yeah! It's a fucking toilet! What a perfect analogy.

AVGN: (commenting on two dead Jaguar CD systems he bought) These things are rare! So when the only two that I can manage to get my hands on just don't work, that leads me to believe that these things most definitely are self-aware. They don't wanna work! You can't make 'em! They just REFUSE to be reviewed! And I've never had that happen. So, the end; I gotta take a shit. (brings out a Jaguar CD, opens its lid to make it look like a toilet, and uses it as a toilet)

Metal Gear[edit]

AVGN: And his full name is Solid Snake? Might as well just be Erect Cock!

AVGN: (reviewing the NES version) It also has the fastest title screen in video game history. Watch how long it stays. (a second passes) Then it goes to the demo. Seriously, it's only up there for two seconds. I'll time it. (waits two seconds) There you go, two seconds. It's like the game's saying, "Oh well, you're not going to push start? Well fuck you then!"

AVGN: What!? You son of a bitch! The enemies respawn if you use the binoculars! You can't do anything! Is this a glitch? Or were the game designers deliberately trying to be FUCKING ASSHOLES!!? Seriously! And this whole jungle scene wasn't even in the original version. Like, "Hmm, let's see, what kind of stupid shit can we add? Let's take a great game and just dump an assload of diarrhea all over it."

AVGN: This game is the fucking crust between your balls. It's terrible! And yeah, I know it's a classic game, but when something's fucked up, it's fucked up. So if you wanna rip me a new asshole, that's fine. I'd like 12. Yeah, I've got a Charlie Brown ghost ass.

AVGN: And it's not just me. Hideo Kojima himself said "It slurped anal grease through a warthog's dickhole." Well, he didn't say it like that, he said it wasn't faithful to his original game.

AVGN: If the original Metal Gear was Kojima's baby, then the NES version is his deformed grandchild. Now, I know, it's still a classic, if you look past all its flaws. It's like digging for gold underneath a pile of horse shit. Or perhaps, it's a gleaming silver turd. It might not look like shit... but it sure smells like it.

Odyssey[edit]

AVGN: These are the games. Pretty elaborate, right? The titles are the best part. Like what are some of the games you grew up with? Maybe Wrecking Crew on the NES, or After Burner on the Sega Master System, or, how about, game number 1 on the Odyssey?

AVGN: Now let's try the skiing game. All you do is move the light through the slopes, and with these controllers, it's harder than it looks. The only goal is to stay in the line and see how fast you can get to the end. It's up to the other player to keep time. Now THAT is what you would call a desperate attempt at a video game.

AVGN: This one's called "Analogic". Yeah, that sounds fun: It's like the logic in your ass. It's supposed to take place in outer space. You each start on your own planet. I guess maybe Uranus and My-anus!

AVGN: (talking about the name-the-United-State game) I also love how the instructions tell you that Alaska and Hawaii aren't really down there (below the 48 consecutive states). Hey, Nerdy Turd, did you know that Hawaii isn't really south of Texas?
Nerdy Turd: (raspberry)

AVGN: So now, let's see what the Odyssey Gun looks like. (removes the peripheral, resembling an authentic rifle, out of its box) Well, the Odyssey doesn't fuck around. I mean, this is what you'd call a gun. I mean look at it! It's a gun! It's a fucking rifle! I mean, they could never get away with this nowadays!

X-Men[edit]

AVGN: Anyway, with a concept like X-Men, you'd expect a great game. Or at least, a fairly decent game. All the characters and powers and shit... How hard could it be? Well, we are doomed from the very start. Take a look: (holds up The Uncanny X-Men for NES) Somebody makes an X-Men game for Nintendo, why in the love of fuck does it have to be LJN? You take one look at that logo, and you just know: There is no gold at the end of that rainbow, because this, my friends, is the unholy stamp of death. And I'm about to do the unthinkable: (drinks alcohol) I'm about to stick this abomination in my Nintendo. Rather stick your dick in a piranha's mouth!

AVGN: How I can be frozen with a character that's called Iceman? I'd be better off with Iceman from Top Gun.

AVGN: (holds up Wolverine for NES) The NES deserves one good X-Men game, and I bet this one's gonna be much better because after all... (Notices LJN logo on the game) What? Are you fucking kidding me? Both of them!? They made both of them!? (drinks alcohol) Oh my God. You'd think with a franchise like X-Men, they'd give somebody else a try. (drinks again) I don't wanna play this. I really don't wanna play this. But I might as well get it over with. It's like getting a needle. Might not be too pleasant, but it'll be over before you know it.

AVGN: For powerups, we have burgers. Yeah. What else could they be? They're fucking burgers. And we also have bottles which could be anything, but I'm gonna assume they're beer. That sounds about right. It's an X-Men barbecue; burgers and beer.

AVGN: The two NES versions? Stay away. Stay away as far as possible. They suck. They suck balls! This one sucks my left ball, this one sucks my right ball! WELCOME TO DIE! (destroys the NES games with laser beams from his eyes)

The Terminator[edit]

AVGN: What a piece of fucking dog shit! Making a game based off the first Terminator movie had a lot of potential. The movie was like film noir, action, science fiction and time travel all thrown together into a blender. But the game was like taking that same blender to put cat piss, horse dump, and pig vomit. Yeah, now that's a shake you don't want.

AVGN: (playing The Terminator on NES) The hit detection is also fucked. If you try to shoot something, it goes right through unless you're dead center! This game is like a cheating, spoiled rotten kid and you have to let it win.

AVGN: (demonstrating how a wrench can be clamped onto the NES controller to make the in-game character autofire and rack up points for extra lives, which have accumulated by the time he comes back into the room) Now look at that. I have six lives already. So I'm just going to go to bed and come back and it's going to be all maxed out. Now isn't that a good idea? Well guess what? I have an even better idea. How about, have some fucking continues!? Make me have to put a wrench on a controller? Is that what you wanna do with your life? That's senseless. But that's what happens, man.
(AVGN goes to bed, then comes back next morning)
AVGN: All right, I'm back. I'm all refreshed and ready to play some more Terminator with all new extra lives. All six of 'em. ...Six?! ONLY SIX!!? Okay, I gotta be honest. It's only one digit, I didn't expect more than nine. But why a random number like six!? That means that some fucked up masochist actually programmed it that way, made a decision, "Hmm, let's see. Anything more than six, that's too much." FUCKING ASSHOLE!

AVGN: (playing The Terminator on SNES, referring to worm-like enemies on the ground) And what the fuck are these things anyway? Decepticon dildos?

AVGN: So you keep running this everlasting shitty marathon, shooting shit and getting shit shot at you.

AVGN: From here on out, things can only get better. The second movie was even better than the first, so we can assume that's the same for the games. I believe there's a light at the end of this tunnel. We've made it through the storm, and at the end of the storm is a rainbow. A rai - oh no. (is horrified to see the rainbow logo of the company LJN on the Terminator 2 game cartridge.)

Terminator 2: Judgement Day[edit]

AVGN: Now for Terminator 2 on NES. (referring to the LJN logo) It's all about that little rainbow of death. I swear, I don't even plan this. It just so happens that LJN holds a monopoly on shitty games. (images of the LJN-produced games reviewed in previous AVGN episodes, Karate Kid, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Back to the Future, Spiderman: Return of the Sinister Six, Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street, and The Uncanny X-Men flash by)

AVGN: You go around collecting bombs which look like, I dunno, a headless chicken holding a dead rat? What, you don't see it? Oh I dunno. You take all the bombs and deposit them into this thingamafucker...

AVGN: (About Terminator 2 on SNES) All I can say is, my God, the control is so bad. It's so stiff and you can't punch anyone when you're too close. But check out the jump! (The Terminator jumps) What is that good for? It's like he's a marionette or he's being hanged by an invisible rope! (The Terminator hops forward awkwardly) Like, holy Lord, that is some fuck right there! Look at him go! WHOO WHOO WHOO! Oh, God. I can't see the reasoning behind it. You can't make something that funny by accident. They took somebody as badass as the Terminator and made him into a mockery. It's a fucking joke! And I'm not just doing this to be funny, it's because of how slow he walks. The only way to go any faster is to hop around like a fucking idiot.

Transformers[edit]

AVGN: (reviewing Transformers on the Commodore 64) By the way, I'm at a farm with a dinosaur stepping on a space shuttle. I have no comment.

AVGN: (reviewing Transformers: Convoy no Nazo) Everything's so small, so fast, and moves at such irregular patterns, hitting your mark is like trying to piss into a shot glass that's spinning on a record player that's strapped to a running cheetah's back while you're riding a unicycle on a tightrope blindfolded.

AVGN: Oh wow, that's real creative - having the Decepticon logo as a boss. That's like with the Ghostbusters game. That is so cheap. The logo belongs on the fucking cover!

AVGN: Stage ten!? I fucking beat Megatron, who the hell could be next!? Fucking "stage ten", my ass. I'm guessing if Megatron's not the final boss, it's gotta be Galvatron or maybe Unicron or Fuckatron, who knows. (reaches the final boss, Trypticon) Oh. It's Mechagodzilla. Of course. I should've known.

AVGN: So now, is it any wonder why this game was never released outside of Japan? 'CAUSE NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO PLAY THIS FUCKING SHIT! Well I gotta do, what I gotta do. (points the Zapper at the Famicom) One shall stand, one shall shit... (the Famicom transforms into Optimus Prime.) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are you?
Optimus Prime: My name is Optimus Prime.
AVGN: Wh... You don't look anything like - (Optimus blasts AVGN with a laser)
Optimus Prime: I thought you were made of sterner stuff.

Mario Is Missing[edit]

AVGN: It's educational? I don't want to be educated! I want to rot my brain! This is Luigi's first game and this is what he gets?

AVGN: What's this say? "Koopas seem to have gotten clean away with King Kong."? Are you telling me you're supposed to return King Kong to the Empire State Building? This blows my mind on so many levels! First of all, how did the koopas capture King Kong? Second, why is New York City concerned that King Kong was stolen from the Empire State Building? Remember when the planes were trying to shoot him down? Isn't it pretty clear they want Kong off the building? Third, if this is supposed to be an educational game teaching us things that belong to New York City, WHY IN THE HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK DID THEY CHOOSE A GIANT APE THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST?! Fourth, the bag. Okay, King Kong is like 50 feet tall or something. But in this game, they made him out to be like 1500 feet. How big is he exactly? Well, if bigger than the Empire State Building isn't a good enough analogy, then let's just say, A LOT BIGGER THAN THAT FUCKING BAG!! And fifth, I can't grasp the concept that King Kong is in a Mario game. The same character that was a direct inspiration for Donkey Kong who also appeared in games with the Mario characters. Are we running into some kind of paradox here or what?

AVGN: There's sort of like a help desk where you're supposed to return the object or the landmark or whatever, but the lady at the window won't talk to you unless you call Yoshi to come and give you an extra boost. Okay, so are you telling me that the reason that stupid bitch won't talk to you at first is because Luigi is too short to reach the window? For fuck's sake! He can jump higher than the shittin' thing! How stupid do they think we are!? "Use Yoshi to reach the help desk", well how about use my greasy Italian plumber cock to whack you across the fucking face!?

AVGN: You know what? Educate me. Please educate me, because I'm going through sensory deprivation! I'm so fucking bored I'd rather go back to school than play this shit!

AVGN: Educational or not, these games are just horrible abominations of space and time that give insult to the very favorite of nature itself! In other words, they suck.

Plumbers Don't Wear Ties[edit]

AVGN: Judging from the box, I don't even know what to think of it. "An Interactive Romantic Comedy!" "A Plumber", "A Daddy's Girl", "Chickens", "Crazed Yuppies", "Evil Bosses", "Shower Scenes", "Race Cars", "Pandas", "A Nun"? What kind of game is this!? (notices upside-down text) What's this? "Get it?" NO! I don't get it!

AVGN: There's a code to remove the censor bars - or censor-face-with-a-nose - but that's only if you really wanna see John's hairy ass that much.

AVGN: Well, the game is called "Plumbers Don't Wear Ties", so you could assume that he's a plumber, and I don't see him wearing a tie. (John is shown wearing a tie) What the fuck? You can't even trust the damn title!

Thresher: You know, perhaps something can be worked out after all. Take your clothes off, Jane.
AVGN: Oh, shit!
Thresher: You know, we get at least 200 qualified applicants for every position here. It's those people who do that little extra thing. They're the ones who get head - I mean get ahead.
AVGN: Oh, what a bad joke. It doesn't even have any relevance now. He just told her to take off her clothes. He might as well say straight out, "Suck my cock."
Thresher: TAKE YOUR DAMN CLOTHES OFF!
AVGN: What a pervert!

AVGN: (Jane has her boss Thresher (in his underwear) tied in an S&M position. The Nerd is utterly shocked by this scene) WHAT KIND OF FUCKED UP GAME IS THIS!!?

Narrator: Well, sport, do you think you can make the right move without getting the lowest score in the history of this game?
AVGN: What, did somebody else play this shit?

AVGN: Now for the final choice. Either, "I want the Hollywood ending!" or "Give me something different." Yeah, you know what? Give me something different. Give me a different fucking game! (tosses the game away)

AVGN: This is one of the worst things I have ever seen in my life. On the box, it says, "Plays like a game... feels like a MOVIE!!!" Well that's horse shit. It does not play like a game, and it certainly does not feel like a movie. It's a slideshow that verges on being softcore porn. But it isn't that either! (video goes into different still photos of Nerd with filters and crazy objects inserted.) It's like some kind of experimental art project. If I just made a bunch of shit and put all kinds of filters on it, that would be the same as this miserable pile of fuck. It would also be the same to go take a shit on a piece of toast on top of a roof while wearing a fish mask singing "I'm Too Sexy".

Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle[edit]

AVGN: Oh, fuckin' Coyote cunt, got my ass against the wall!

AVGN: All right. That's it. I'm done with this game. I'd rather press my face against a hippopotamus's butt while it muck spreads! That's when a hippo takes a shit; rather than allowing the shit to drop from its anus, it presses its tail against its ass crack, waving it back and forth, shredding the shit all over the place! That's as much fun as this game is, like putting a turd in a fan or a band saw. You just don't do it!

AVGN: Done with this. I'd rather lick the shit skid off the inside of a toilet bowl!
(Bugs and the Nerd fight, ending with the Nerd getting thrown through the couch. Kyle Justin emerges in pain.)
Kyle Justin: Nintendo dork, you broke my fuckin' couch!
AVGN: It was the fucking bunny? What is it, fuckin' Bugs Bunny Boot Camp? (gets grabbed by the shirt) Come on, I thought 'toons like to get beat up!
Bugs Bunny: We do, doc. But you know what we don't like? GETTING SHIT ON THE FUCKING FACE!!
AVGN: That was two years ago!
Bugs Bunny: Well now it's your turn, doc! (subdues AVGN and defecates onto his face) Geronimo! Nyeah! Motherfuckin' Nerd! ...Nyeah, ain't I a stinker?
AVGN: Go away. Just leave me alone.
Bugs Bunny: Not yet, doc, you still got another game! (throws a Game Boy Advance SP at the Nerd)
AVGN: What?!? (gets hit in the face with the game, grabs it) Crazy Castle 3? Crazy? Castle? Three?!?! That's impossible.

Kyle Justin: Come on, get 'im, he's the one that broke the couch!
AVGN: Well, technically it was a futon.
Kyle Justin: I don't care what it is. GET 'IM! Boil those bunny balls!

AVGN: Now I think I understand the relevance of the title. It's crazy that there's so many sequels!

AVGN: Crazy Castle 4?!! How many of these fucking games could there possibly be?!?!
Bugs Bunny: You better play it, Doc, before I ram my rabbit fist up your motherfucking ass!

Bugs Bunny: I pulled this game out of my ass, Doc!
AVGN: I wonder where this shit comes from!
(the box for the next Crazy Castle game, released for the Game Boy Advance, is dropped at the Nerd's feet. He opens it, confused)
AVGN: Woody Woodpecker in Crazy Castle 5? This can't be real. ...How is it Crazy Castle 5 if it's not Bugs Bunny?

AVGN: I wonder why it's Woody Woodpecker. Now that I think about it, both Woody and Bugs were created by the same guy. Ben "Bugs" Hardaway. And the first cartoon to feature a precursor to Bugs Bunny was "Porky's Hare Hunt". It had Mel Blanc doing the bunny's voice, and he was the guy who was the original voice for Woody Woodpecker. So could it be, Woody and Bugs...they're the same?
Bugs Bunny: Nyeah, what's up doc?
(Bugs throws a pie in the Nerd's face and resumes mercilessly assaulting him)
Bugs Bunny: That feels good, doc? Yeah, just like good old times, doc! Like when I shoved Elmer Fudd's head up the Tasmanian Devil's fucking asshole! Nyeah, how does it feel to be a dying man, Nerd? You're a dead man! You're a dead man!
AVGN: Bull... SHIT!!! (attacks back)
(the fight continues, ending with the Nerd ripping Bugs' head off and tossing it across the room. The headless Bugs stands up, and Woody Woodpecker's head emerges from the hole.)
Woody Woodpecker: Guess who? (laughs)
AVGN: I knew it!
(Woody tries to kill the Nerd with a bomb, but AVGN grabs him and holds him down on the floor)
Woody Woodpecker: You're gonna die, nerd! (laughs)
AVGN: (Last words) Oh, I don't give a fuck, I'm taking you with me! Oh, you like to play with bombs, huh? Well, bombs away, you woody bunny fucking pecker piece of shit!
(The bomb explodes, killing them both. The next shot shows both of them in Hell. The Nerd looks around and then holds up a sign that reads, "FUCK!")

Super Pitfall![edit]

AVGN: Super Pitfall. One of the most deceptive uses of the word "super" in video game history. You wanna know why? You wanna know why this game super sucks? You wanna see how hard they cranked up the diarrhea dial? Just watch. (At the beginning of the game, Pitfall Harry climbs down the first ladder and dies) Nice. Fucking beautiful. The first ladder you see drops you into a pit where you get killed by a bird or a bat, whatever it is. And even if it wasn't there, I'd fall on the spikes. So it's basically death insurance. "Let's put every kind of obstacle we can possibly think of in the very beginning of the game." You know, I'm disappointed. Couldn't there have been lava on top of the spikes, with fire sharks swimming in it? Couldn't there be more spikes coming from the sides ready to close in and squash me while stabbing at the same time? How 'bout some laser cannons and upside down volcanoes? You want to be even more efficient? Why even have the ladder? Why not just start the game falling down the pit? Fucking assholes!

AVGN: Playing this game is like driving an old, beat-up car. You're always afraid it's gonna break down.

AVGN: This game is unholy. It's fucking made in Hell, I swear. (commenting on surprise death) Oh shit! What the fuck was that?! That's fucking scary! You're just walking around, and a head run amok from Easter Island comes flying towards you.

AVGN: So we're jumping around in thin air, trying to find different suits, like spades, hearts and diamonds. What purpose does this have? I found the princess! Does he need to play Poker with her or something?

AVGN: There's no limit to how secretive this game is. There's actually a part where you have to warp by jumping... into a bird. (Pitfall Harry jumps into an enemy bird flying toward him and is warped elsewhere.) You saw that, right? I'm not making that up. There's a warp zone hidden in a bird! How would you ever figure something like that out!? Unless it's by complete accident! If you try touching the rest of the birds in this game, they kill you. So if you've learned anything from that, it's to avoid them! How stumped and bored would you need to be to start thinking "Hmm, I guess I'm gonna try jumping into birds." How the fuck is a kid in 1987 without internet supposed to figure out how to beat this game?

AVGN: (commenting on the ending screen and referencing that of Ghostbusters) Don't you love games that just end with a black screen with plain text? At least they spelled "Congratulations" right. The third line's a little off-center, but other than that, I don't see any errors. I guess that's why they kept it so short: They knew they'd fuck it up. But the last sentence mystifies me. Please try another world? ...What other world? As far as I know, there’s a second quest, but it’s the same exact game. The only difference is that the items are all in different spots. And after that, the game just keeps on repeating over and over again like a never-ending Easter egg hunt. But that’d be like if the Easter eggs were full of diarrhea, and the Easter bunny was shitting all over your face. But I've had enough of bunnies and shit lately, so I'm gonna end this right here. What kind of masochist would you have to be to beat this game more than once? If you did it one time, what would you have to prove to do it again!? You'd have to be some kind of fucking idiot! (resumes playing to begin the second quest)

Godzilla[edit]

AVGN: (failing to defeat Mechagodzilla] THAT FUCKING TIME LIMIT! THAT MOTHER-FUCKING-SHIT-SUCKING-TIME-LIMIT! It's not even like there's a counter! It's like the game just pulls the plug! Like: "Oh, you're gonna win? Well not anymore, ya ass-backed fecal-fucker shit-faced anus brain!" The game cheats. That's it. That's all there is to it. The game fucking cheats.

AVGN: (reviewing Godzilla 2 on NES) The music in this game is so horrible, they actually have an option to turn it off. But when you turn off the music, it turns off the sound effects too! So what's the point!? You might as well just mute the fucking TV!

AVGN: (reviewing Godzilla on Game Boy) Are you fucking joking? Godzilla looks like the dragons from Bubble Bobble! You're going around climbing vines, pushing rocks, and hitting monsters with a boxing glove that Godzilla spits from his mouth! How could they do this to the king of the monsters!? They might as well have Godzilla in a clown suit jumping on a pogo stick. I'm not even gonna waste my time with this shit. The best way to sum this up is to recite a very famous quote from William Shakespeare: "Fuck it."

AVGN: (reviewing Super Godzilla on SNES) So playing as Godzilla, you'd want to be destroying buildings, right? Well here, the buildings drain your health. That makes no sense! Godzilla destroys buildings all the time! That's what he's good at! That's like if Mike Tyson couldn't punch anybody without hurting his hand.

AVGN: Why is it so hard to have two monsters fighting without it being a fucking Einstein project?

AVGN: (Comparing modern-day Godzilla games to the above titles) FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKK!! (throws a lot of SNES games out of the shelf) Why couldn't I have those games when I was a kid!? Goddammit, I was born too fucking early. Instead I had to grow up with these miserable pieces of shit-fucking anal jugs. These games suck Baragon's sweaty ball sack! I'd rather get an electric shock from sucking Mechagodzilla's mechanical wiener! These games are SHIT drizzling out of the Smog Monster's rancid putrid A-hole! And then being swallowed and barfed up by Angarus while I lay on spikes getting Gigan's buzzsaw up my ass WHILE DESATROYA DUMPS HIS DIABOLICAL DIARRHEA ALL OVER MY FACE! Man, it's just a bunch of fuck, it's a pile of cunt, fuck, shit, fuck...cunt...fuck..Goddammit! I just said "fuck" from the bottom of my heart and I said every curse that there is. There's nothing left, so you know what? Somebody's gotta invent a new curse word. I think I got it. This game, THESE FUCKING GAMES ARE... (Says something that is bleeped out; a censor bar covers his mouth) Oh yeah! It's that bad!

Wayne's World[edit]

AVGN: The movie's about two guys who run a show from their basement, and then a sponsor comes, tries to steal the show, and the rest is just a bunch of jokes. So how do you take that and make it into a game? Let's find out. (begins playing Wayne's World on NES) Okay, there it is. That's how you make a Wayne's World game. Just have Garth running around with a laser gun and shooting stuff. That's real creative.
Wayne: Not!

AVGN: The hell with this game! I can't say I expected it to be good, but this is just a maximum catastrophe of ass!

AVGN: (reviewing the SNES game) It starts with Wayne and Garth doing a top ten list of "Worst Video Games". The irony is stunning.

AVGN: Remember Wayne's annoying ex-girlfriend? Well, she makes an appearance in this game. Several. (she is displayed in two separate places on the screen at the same time) What, did she find a way to clone herself!?

Castlevania Part One[edit]

AVGN: If I were to whip a fucking candle, would hearts comes out? I'd like to know. (whips two candles near him, which start a fire) Oh shit!

AVGN: If you were Simon Belmont, would you eat an old pork chop you found in a wall? It must be fucking dirty! I do have to say, that would be convenient, if all I had to do is just whip the wall when I was hungry? This wall would break - if there's a fucking pork chop in it, I would so eat it!

AVGN: What in the unholy name of ass is this fuckness?! Oh wait, that's not a word? Well, it should be!

AVGN: (commenting on the end credits) Hmm. "Trans Fischers"? That reminds me of Terence Fisher, the director of many of the hammer horror films. That's a funny coincidence. Oh wait - "Vran Stoker"? Like Bram Stoker, the author of Dracula? Wha - "Cristopher Bee"? ...Is it a joke? I don't get it! Are they saying Christopher Lee is like a bee? No, they can't mean that. This is probably just a series of strangely coincidental typos. "Belo Lugosi"? "Boris Karloffice"? They're just fucking around! "Love Chaney Jr."!? "Mix Schrecks"!? "Green Stranger"!? ...Is this supposed to be funny? Like, just to take a celebrity's name and change it around? That's like if I took the name Steven Spielberg and called him "Steven Gielberg". Like that's not funny! That's kindergarten level! No - Kindergarten students don't find that funny! Aliens don't find that funny!

Castlevania Part Two[edit]

AVGN: (about Castlevania II: Simon's Quest) This game is the unholy fuckness. You probably remember it as my first game review. That was five years ago, before I took on the regular duty of playing shitty doody. Back then, I wasn't as hardcore; I used a code, and I skipped over a lot of the game. So now is my second chance, 'cause I'm gonna do it for real this time. I only scraped the surface off this smelly turd, and after that, it really starts to stink.

AVGN: So I found this one clue. It reads, "A SYMBOL OF EVIL WILL APPAER WHEN YOU STRIKE THE STAKE". Gee, that really helps. Couldn't it at least mention like where you're suppo - appe-app-appaer!? "Appaer"!? Does anybody proofread this shit!? It only goes to show how much effort they spent on the game when they can't even get the fucking text right!

AVGN: (Playing Castlevania III on NES) There's a stage where the screen keeps moving up. If you're caught at the bottom, you die. What kind of logic is that? In Trevor Belmont's world, what killed him? The TV screen?!

AVGN: But how in the holy goddamn mother-shit-fucking Christ of cunt-fuck am I supposed to attack the enemy when the fucking floor is falling down!?

AVGN: If there's any game to put you in a bad mood, it's Castlevania III. Y'know? Like, if you want a game that'll piss you off, putting this game in your Nintendo is like running open-armed out into a rainstorm of piss! You wanna go balls-to-the-wall? Well, there's one way to put your balls to the wall, and that's to stick your dick in an electric outlet. You wanna play shit tennis with an orangutan, while having your head up a hyena's asshole?! Well, good luck.

Castlevania Part Three[edit]

AVGN: Castlevania: Dracula X. I said it out loud to myself. "Castlevania: Dracula X". I wondered, "why not just call it Castlevania 5"? Well that's what I thought back then, but if only I knew the original Japanese title, Devil's Castle Dracula X: Rondo of Blood. ...Just rolls right off your tongue.

AVGN: The final battle with Dracula is impossible. Im-Fucking-Possible! It's bad enough Dracula turns into a devil wearing a speedo? But on top of that, you have to hop across platforms?

AVGN: (Playing Castlevania 64) In this stage, you have to pull levers to open gates. So when you get to a lever, it says "Operate the mechanism? Yes or No". Why does it bother asking me this? Obviously I want to pull the lever. What's my other option, to just stare at the fucking background?!

AVGN: (Dealing with the Nitro/Mandragora sequence) Then I found these statues that talk to you. At first, I thought they were just giving you hints, letting you know what to do with the Nitro and Mandragora, but since I can't seem to place the stuff on the ground, I figure I have to talk to these statues in order to even use the items at all! Even though that makes no sense, that's like talking to a fire hydrant so you can use dynamite to demolish a building!

Castlevania Part Four[edit]

AVGN: (playing Castlevania: Bloodlines) Well supposedly, John Morris is the son of Quincy Morris from Dracula, the Bram Stoker novel! That just blew my mind. It's like, now we're bringing the novel into it? So the whole canon of the games is now with the canon of the book and it's like taking two cannons and putting them together! (two cannons shoot in different directions)

AVGN: (playing Castlevania: Symphony of the Night] The graphics and sound are superb. But there is some pretty cheesy voice acting.
Richter Belmont: Die, monster! You don't belong in this world!
Dracula: What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets! But enough talk, have at you!

AVGN: What, are these skeletons shooting lasers out their cocks?!

AVGN: In Castlevania IV, all you had was your own wit. You don't rely on tricks, it's just you and the game, and the only way to beat it is to beat it with your mind and your reflexes. And that to me is what Castlevania is all about. And once you've beaten the game in the wee hours of the morning and watch the castle crumble, you reflect on all that time you just spent. The credits sequence shows little replays from each level. It's like watching old memories. And that's what the Castlevania games are for me: Memories that will last forever.

Little Red Hood[edit]

AVGN: Anyway, what do you expect of a game based off of Little Red Riding Hood? You're familiar with the story, right? It goes something like this: Once upon a time, there was a girl named Little Red Riding Hood. She liked to jump in the air and whistle out her vagina. She kicked at trees until Big Bird's ball sack would appear. What? That's not the story? Oh, well excuse me, 'cause this isn't Little Red Riding Hood, this is "Little Red Hood!" Yeah! Not to be confused. I don't know. Really, t-the real reason why it's called "Little Red Hood", instead of "Little Red Riding Hood", is... because I have no fucking idea.

AVGN: Now you'd expect her to use a slingshot to shoot rocks or something, right? But no! She throws the fucking thing! Yeah, check this out! "Look! I'm gonna hit you with this slingshot!" (imitates about to shoot a slingshot at something off-screen, but then tosses it in that direction) I suppose if the game programmers put a gun in the game, you'd be throwing that as well! Does that make any sense? (drinks Rolling Rock) No!

AVGN: It's just so random... You know, how many times have I used the word "Random" and "Appear"? But that's exactly what's happening! Stuff appears or doesn't appear or randomly does something else... I feel like a guinea pig in an experiment where they're testing the effects of negative reinforcement. Let's see what happens if we take the key away... It's twenty years late, but whoever you are, and if you wanna know what the effect is, I'll tell you the effect: IT'S FUCKING PISSING ME OFF!!!

AVGN: Nothing is consistent about this twisted piece of shit-covered anal fuck!

AVGN: (referring to Stage 8) And guess what? In this stage, the key doesn't appear, until you buy an invincibility potion and three slingshots! (stunned silence) How would anybody know to do that!!? You go through the whole game, all of a sudden they throw you a curve ball and change the fucking rules!! Imagine if in Super Mario Bros., if in one level, you can't jump on the flagpole at the end, unless first you've collected exactly 29 coins, stomped 3 Goombas, and get a Fire Flower. You wanna know how I feel now?! I'M FUCKING ENRAGED!! YOU DON'T JUST CHANGE THE RULES LIKE THAT! THIS IS SHIT SAUCE!! THIS IS DR. JEKYLL & MR. HYDE STANDARDS! And I'm still playing it. I don't even know why, I guess I can't resist being able to say "I beat Little Red Hood." And you know what? I don't expect a good ending, either. Why work hard on creating an elaborate ending when you've made the game so hard to figure out that there's not a chance in hell anyone would get that far!? In fact, I expect a shitty ending! A FUCKING LOATHSOME, ASS-SUCKING SHIT HEAP OF A ENDING!!! (reaches the ending screen and reads its text) "Oh! My dear Little Red Hood! Thank you for your coming!" (drops the controller and picks up the Rolling Rock) You did not disappoint.

Winter Games[edit]

AVGN: It's winter. It's fucking cold. We're playing some Winter Games. But anyway, let me get the greeting outta the way. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, happy... everybody! Happy holidays. And if you have a problem with "Happy Holidays", then happy shut-the-fuck-up. But there ain't nothing happy about this shit.

AVGN: The name entry screen is a disaster. You can't move the cursor up or down, it only goes left and right. ...Isn't that fun? Not to mention, they only let you spell four letter words, which, I can think of plenty, but how many names would have less than four letters? If you try to add a fifth letter, it goes back and replaces the first letter, then you gotta figure out how to start over. When it reaches the last letter, why couldn't it just stop? The simplest thing to do is to type in all "A"'s, then go left once to get to the enter button. Because why put in a name anyways? It's not like the game's going to save it. But if it did, I guarantee most of the high scores would belong to "AAAA". The point is, how hard is it to program something as simple as a name entry screen? If they can't even get that right, then whoa. Wait 'til you see the game.

AVGN: (playing the ski-jump event that is labeled in-game as "Hot Dog Aerials") What people could be sadistic enough to design a game with such a dysfunctional control scheme!? The only people in the world who would call the ski-jump "Hot Dog Aerials"! (tries a different event) Next is "Speed Skating". I'm surprised it's not called "Cat Tit Bingo".

AVGN: (commenting on the music at the end of the Speed Skating event) Isn't that the most beautiful, radiant sound that has ever been blessed upon your soul? Its exuberant tonality harmoniously blends the dying squeals of electronic goats with the melodic rapture of diarrhea bubbling from a coyote's crap-hole.

AVGN: (playing the Figure Skating event) I'm not even kidding, but if I were to give out an award, a big shit-dripping trophy for the worst controls ever in a video game, I think it would go to this! I mean look at it! I've never seen anything this unresponsive! I'm hitting every button combination possible! You know, all it needs to be said about Winter Games is that you push buttons. That's all it is. How's Winter Games? You ever play Winter Games? Yeah, you push buttons. That's it. Go like this! You're playing Winter Games! You ever watch a movie where someone's pretending to play a video game but you tell that they're just acting? They're just going like this? They're playing Winter Games. Yeah. Who programmed this thing? Maybe it was Fred Fucks.

AVGN: THIS IS A BLIZZARD OF BALLS!!! I can't believe humanity was capable of degrading itself so low as to produce such insulting catastrophe of ass!! (reads caution label at the back of the cartridge) "Do not store in extreme temperatures. Do not immerse in water. Do not clean with Benzene, Thinner Alcohol or other such solvents. Do not hit or drop cartridge. Do not attempt to dissassemble". (proceeds to do to the cartridge each one of the things the caution label advises against) Like that? (places the remains of the cartridge into the crackling fireplace, where it catches fire and starts to melt) BURN, MOTHERFUCKER, BURRRN!!!

Season Five[edit]

Street Fighter 2010[edit]

AVGN: Wanna play some games? Wanna play some shitty games? ...Well hang on just a second, I gotta go get my mail. (The Nerd steps out of his house to find it and the rest of the scenery in the scene is swarming with graphics from Street Fighter 2010.) What the hell is all this shit!? There's metallic sea sponges everywhere! There's titanium rocket jockstraps! Headless parrots with bottle caps! Floating eyeballs entrapped in glass lids! How is this all happening? OH, ah-of course! It's the year 2010! Holy shit! This was all forseen in the game Street Fighter 2010!

AVGN: Remember how futuristic the year 2000 seemed? My whole childhood, it seemed like every movie, every video game - it was always "2000". It sounded so high-tech and so far away. But now, fuck that! It's the ten-year anniversary of the year 2000. (referring to Back to the Future Part II's depiction of the year 2015) In five years, we're gonna have flying cars and hoverboards and self-lacing shoes... It better happen. Otherwise they should have made it the year 3000. Even if they made it 2100, we'd all be dead; it wouldn't make a difference anyway! Better to be a mystery than to be wrong!

AVGN: Who would've thought that Street Fighter's past lied in the future, which is now the present? Let's take a look at this. I can only imagine, we're gonna be Tiger Uppercutting through space and time, we're gonna be throwing Sonic Booms on the moon, Hadoukens up Uranus! Fuck Street Fighter IV, this is Street Fighter 2010!

AVGN: What the hell is this poop-plastered, shit-smothered piece of fuck? And what does it have to do with Street Fighter?

AVGN: (commenting on the cover illustration of Fighting Street, showing Ryu in front of Mt. Rushmore] To be even more elusive, they changed the fucking title to Fighting Street! That doesn't make any sense! But at least you get to play as classic characters such as Ryu, George Washington, and Abe Lincoln.

AVGN: The final boss looks like a big, blistering ball sack that swallowed Grimace.

Hydlide[edit]

AVGN: Ugh, Hydlide! Just saying the name gives you a gag reflex like you're about to puke! HYDLIDE! Sounds so wretched and foul!

AVGN: Picking up a game like this, in itself, is like embarking on an adventure. You can stick to the familiar NES classics, or you can be a brave explorer and search the unknown. You might uncover a gem, or a turd covered in vomit. And this is a turd covered in vomit.

AVGN: There's no skill involved. You'll never know whether or not you're hitting the monster or the monster's hitting you. It's just as random as rolling the dice or playing the lottery; sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. But I guess it's better than using drugs or alcohol because with drugs and alcohol, especially drugs, you always lose.

AVGN: Anyway, I got the Lantern. Now I'm going back to that dark cave to figure out what the fuck was killing me...I don't see anything! So that only concludes there was nothing. That's a cheat if I ever saw one. The game kills you with NOTHING!!

AVGN: That's what you get for reaching into the dark depths of the NES library. You might as well be reaching into a dog's asshole, 'cause all you're going to find is shit.

Ninja Gaiden[edit]

AVGN: The story follows a ninja named Ryu who travels to America to avenge his father's death. It seemed everyone always assumed that it was the same Ryu from Street Fighter, but I'm pretty sure there's no relation. To further perpetuate this alleged tie-in, they had to name Ryu's father Ken. Okay, "Ryu" and "Ken"? How could you not think Street Fighter?

AVGN: Throughout the series, Ryu would say, "What the...", "What the..." "What the..." What was he going to say? "What the fuck?"

AVGN: Look at all this shit! There's a million flying enemies! And they all respawn quicker than I can attack!
Ninja: You're playing with anger! Anger does not exist! Pain does not exist! Defeat does not exist! (the Nerd tries to get through the infamous Stage 6-2, but falls into a pit) Before you leap, you must look.
AVGN: (trying but failing again) I looked! I looked!
Ninja: Before you look, you must think. (AVGN fails again) Before you think, you must FEEL!! (once more the Nerd fails) Before you feel, you must...
AVGN: I've had enough!

Ninja: (evaluating AVGN's thumb motions) You are as slow as sloth taking shit! Come! We will develop speed!

AVGN: Then you get another shot at the boss, but they don't even have the fucking courtesy of refilling your life bar! That is sadistic! Whoever programmed this thing, I want to rip their fucking heart out of their ass and show it to them so they can see how cold and black it is before they die!

AVGN: I give up.
Ninja: You must not give up. No game over.
AVGN: Game's over now. You try. (hands controller to ninja)
Ninja: (plays and fails at the game) Fuck. (fails a second time) Nunchuck-fuck! (once again fails) BAAAAAAAALLS! (throws the controller and curls up into a ball)
AVGN: You know, the whole fucking trilogy is impossible. The first game sends you back, the second has the stage hazards, and the third one has game overs. So it's like "Pick your poison!" Well I got my poison right here. (drinks Rolling Rock along with the dispirited ninja)

Swordquest[edit]

AVGN: (commenting on Atari's promotion of the Swordquest series via $150,000 worth of ornately crafted and decorated fantasy items, which players back in the day could win by playing the games, finding and deciphering in-game clues, and sending them to Atari) Not since the medieval times have I heard of a treasure quest of this magnitude! It gets you really excited to play the games, so that's what I call a promotion: You'd be wearing your Swordquest T-shirt, with your comic books and posters, drinking out of your gold chalice with your crown, philosopher's stone, and sword, and not to mention your Swordquest video gaming cartridges exclusive from Atari.

AVGN: (playing the Earthworld installment) Everytime you go to the next room, it sounds like an explosion. That's what's so great about Atari: Something as simple as going through a door is an event.

AVGN: (playing the Fireworld installment) What are we doing here, hitting birds with a pole? Throwing knives? Now you're actually steering the knives into a, uh, turkey club sandwich. This part, you're like a black eagle shooting bullets at snakes! All with glorious Atari sound effects.

AVGN: (referring to general suspicions that the remaining three unawarded treasures of the Swordquest contest, including the planned grand prize - a gold-and-jewel-encrusted sword - is in possession of Jack Tramiel, who had bought Atari after the 1983 game crash) Somebody's gotta find out. The REAL Swordquest is the quest for that sword and the other treasures. They belong in the hands of gamers who earn them. You know, everybody who put those games in their Ataris had a chance of winning. It was something to dream about. But that dream's been thrown about the toilet. It's thirty years later, but I say the contest must go on. Finish the last game! You can't have earth, fire, and water without air! The balance of the cosmos must be restored! The true bearer of that sword must be found! The kingdom of nerd-dom depends on it!

Pong Consoles[edit]

AVGN: You could call this the "Wooden Age" of video games, when everything was made of wood, and two people playing tennis looked like two glow sticks batting a square ball back and forth. Yeah, this is before circles were invented.

AVGN: I thought it was fun. Apparently, people thought so too back then. So that's why they made a home pong console so you can play it at home, and then there was another one, and another one, and another one, AND ANOTHER ONE, AND ANOTHER ONE, AND ANOTHER ONE!!!! There was like nine million fucking pong consoles!

AVGN: (Reviewing the RCA Studio II, which has one wire serve as both the video wire and electricity wire) So, technically speaking, the video signal is traveling up this wire, and then, the electricity coming from the wall socket is coming back through the same wire. I don't even understand how that works! The only other system I know that does that is the Atari 5200, and we all know how much ass that thing sucks!

AVGN: Man, if there was an RCA Studio I, I'd hate to see it.

AVGN: Next, the Radio Shack TV Scoreboard. Looks like a remote for a TV with a Siamese twin. You pull this off and give it to your friend and say "Fuck you, this is all you get! Look at me, I got all this shit! I'm in control, motherfucker!"

AVGN: The Sears Super Pong Telegame. Simple enough, two little knobs for controllers, works alright, basic pong. You got four different kinds of Pong, like... what the hell is this? "Reverse Pong"? Okay, now what's this!? "Asshole Pong"? That's not fair!

AVGN: At last we have the Coleco Telstar Arcade. Look at this mess! A steering wheel!? A gun!? What madman came up with this? Believe it or not, it actually uses cartridges. Have you ever seen a cartridge like this? A silver triangle that snaps onto the top of the console?

Action 52[edit]

AVGN: It's a Nintoaster. And yes, it works.

AVGN: Are you ready for some action? Some Action 52? I suppose so, because I get requests for this game all the time. Like this one right here: (reading a fan email) "Action 52. Fuck this game, please do a review on it. You asshole. Thanks." Wow! I guess I gotta do it now!

AVGN: Number 5, "Ooze." Oh, wow, a title screen? Really? (starts the game, then sees several green pickle-shaped objects in the background) Oh my god, it's... it's... (the objects each turn into a Shit Pickle)
Shit Pickles: Shitpickleshitpickleshitpickleshit...
AVGN: Whoaaa! Ohh-
Shit Pickles: Pickle! Shi-i-i-i-i-
AVGN: Narlalalala!
Shit Pickles: Shit pickle!
AVGN: Alllrighty, then. Well, this is the first game that uses the "B" button. For jumping! Any gamer who grew up with Super Mario Bros. expects "A" to jump.

AVGN: (playing the 7th game, Crytical Bypass) Crytical Bypass. It's critical that you bypass this game!

AVGN: (playing the 9th game, Alfred n' the Fettuc, which ends up crashing each time he attempts to start) Well, there's no game here! What happened? Did the programmers pass out? Or did they just figure, "Nobody would check all 52 games"? Well, that's four dollars wasted. But I guess I can't say I'm really too excited over playing a game called "Alfredo", also known as "Alfred n' the Fettuc".

AVGN: (playing the 20th game, Space Dreams, then learning that safety pins are the enemy) Oh, my, what's this gonna be? Why of course! Another space shooter! This time, you're a pacifier shooting at weird dolls, rabbits, and safety pins. Safety pins as enemies in a video game. ...Where'd they come up with this stuff?! (playing one of the game programmers) Gee, what kind of enemy could I have for this game? I have 32 games left I have to program, so I have to hurry up. (picking up a safety pin) Ah! Safety pin! That'll be perfect! (typing it down on his computer) Next game.

AVGN: (playing the 22nd game, Spread Fire) These must have been the easiest to design. Take a black background, cover it in dots, and call it space. You know what? It's getting old!

AVGN: (after playing half the games on the cart) ...Wow. Twenty-five shitty games, and still going. This is an endurance, man. I've never played such a huge compilation of crap in my life. Was the whole idea to make so many shitty games that there'd be no more shitty games left to make!? Out of all of these, there's gotta be at least one that's... tolerable!

AVGN: (playing the 29th game, Slashers) What are these, hookers?! I guess this guy doesn't understand the concept of a hooker. You're supposed to fuck her, not fuck her up!!

AVGN: (playing the 31st game, Fuzz Power) Whoever came up with this is an asshole! (cuts to a fictionalized version of the episode that would be shown on public TV with the word "asshole" bleeped out) Whoever came up with this is an asshole ! ...Ass! ...Hole? ...Ass-(bleep) ...Television makes a lotta sense.

AVGN: (after playing 35 of the 52 games) I've lost all hope. 52 games, they all probably suck. I can think of some pretty bad games. Like Little Red Hood - that's a horrible game. But at least it's one horrible game! Not 52! You know what's more fun that Action 52? 52 Card Pickup. You know how you play that? (drops a deck of 52 playing cards on the floor) Pick up the cards!

AVGN: Number 36, "Storm over the Desert." Ooh, another title screen! So, you're an army tank, shooting at other army tanks... which happen to be pink. Also, there's no way to die. Anything you touch will explode. Those pink tanks are fucking pussies. (a giant Saddam Hussein runs across the screen) What the hell?! A giant Saddam Hussein? How the hell did they fuck up the scale this bad? The soldiers aren't giant, so why's Saddam?

AVGN: Number 39, "Lazer League". Well, I'm glad they spelled "Laser" with a "Z", because, that's how you say it. You don't say "Lay-Ser." (actually playing Lazer League) By the way, horizontal 2D Space shooter. Next.

AVGN: Number 45, "Boss". Who would think "Boss" means frog running around with a gun getting ambushed by falling bombs?

AVGN: (playing the 48th game, Time Warp Tickers) You're a pair of fingers in checkerboard-land with upside-down doors. What kind of drugs were they on? Was this game even made by a human being? "Time?"? When you kill things, it says "Time?"? What does that mean? Time to play another fucking game?!

AVGN: (after playing 51 of the 52 games) I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY SOLD THIS SHITFEST FOR 199 DOLLARS!! That's about how much it costs for a video game console, pretty much. You can take 199 dollars, stand on a bridge and just throw it all away! You'd rather do anything than spend it on a broken-down dysfunctional disaster of video game programming! With games that crash, hideous jumping control, random characters, microscopic sprites, a marathon of mediocre space shooters, dying in mid-air, problems with proportion, misleading titles, misleading powerups, embarrassing weapons, seizure-inducing backgrounds, lack of enemies, games you can't win, games you can't lose, games that make no sense whatsoever, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty menus, and a fuckton of other things! It should've been illegal for them to sell this rotten shitload of putrid fuck for any price! I feel humiliated to live on the same planet as someone who designed an electronic abomination of this magnitude! Couldn't they have tried making one good game, as opposed to 52 horrible games? Quality over quantity. That's our lesson here. (drinks Rolling Rock) Well, there's only one game left so it has one last chance to redeem itself. Could this be the one that all the effort went into? Could there be a cherry on top of the shit-sundae? We can only hope. (starts playing Cheetah Men as the credits roll)

Cheetahmen[edit]

AVGN: They must have put all their focus into this one game, so this one's gotta be good, right? (shot of the gameplay from Cheetahmen; the player sprite touches the edge of a pool of water with the very top of its head, and instantly dies) IT SUCKS MONKEY BUTTS LIKE ALL THE FUCKING REST!!! (drinks Rolling Rock beer) Okay. Let's go.

AVGN: What's this, a crotch burglar? Yeah, it burgles your crotch. The enemies in this game are so inspired".

AVGN: (playing Cheetahmen on the Action 52 cartridge, jumping over the giant Saddam Hussein from Storm Over the Desert) Dude, think about it: A giant cheetah jumping over Saddam Hussein, whoa! I never thought I'd see that!

AVGN: It's like the only way to beat this game is to cheat! Guess that's why it's called "Cheetahmen".

AVGN: Well that's the end of Action 52, but... they made a Cheetahmen sequel. Oh yeah! You know how with a bad game, sometimes you wonder how could it have even made it into stores? Well, this is a case in which the horror was so unspeakable, the game... was never released. The cartridges were taken to a warehouse where they remained for years to come. It was never meant to be played. Then, in the late nineties, a massive break-in took place; the cartridges were discovered, and became valuable collector's items. ...That's a true story. Except that the real story was probably a little less dramatic than that.

AVGN: (after defeating the ape man boss in Cheetahmen II, but the game fails to start the next level) Well, I beat the game. At least I got as far as I can possibly go before it fucks out! Well, this is where I'd end things... but there's yet another Cheetahmen game. Yeah. Action 52 on the Genesis. They just couldn't leave it alone, could they?

AVGN: (talking about SKATER from the Genesis Action 52) You're some kid on rollerskates jumping fifty feet in the air, of course. And most of the obstacles are dead cats! At least, I'm pretty sure they're dead. Why else would a cat be laying in the road? Tell me. If you're programming a video game and you have a choice of all the things that could be on the road like mufflers, puddles of oil, traffic cones, hubcaps, fallen trash cans, open manholes, of all the things you can put there, why does your imagination go straight to dead cats!?

AVGN: (after playing Cheetahmen from the Genesis Action 52) I don't believe it. I just can't believe it that - this is even less playable then the NES version! You think by now, they'd come back down to Earth and un-fuck themselves! But you know what the really good news is? I'm done with Action 52! (puts on his party hat and blows on his party horn while fireworks go off)

Game Glitches[edit]

AVGN: You know, when this happens, that means that there's something inside your game. Something that wants to reduce the graphics into a pixelated mishmash of garbage. You're dealing with... A Game Graphic Glitch Gremlin.
Glitch Gremlin: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Good day to you, Nerd, how are you? Good day, sir! As you know, I am the Glitch Gremlin! And, I've got glitches in me britches for you, Nerd! I've got (gibberish).
AVGN: I'm gonna lay the Fuck smack on you! You think I can't still play?

[ Mike Tyson's portrait from Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! is displayed, but the entire graphical display glitches up, eliciting a shocked reaction from the Nerd]
Glitch Gremlin: And here we have Punch-Out!! with "Iron Mike" Tyson. I just ironed out his face! How do you like that? We'll call him Shit-Face Mike Tyson!
AVGN: You little fuck-nugget, get out of my game!

Glitch Gremlin: I shit all over it with me glitches.

AVGN: [After describing his victory over the boss Big Pets in Mega Man 5 while having been hindered by a glitch] And that was a great moment in Nerd history.
Glitch Gremlin: That's not possible! I've never seen anything like it!
AVGN: I should get a gold medal.

[The Nerd plays the 2002 Rocky game on PlayStation 2, but the audience is severely glitched up, and the two boxers that are supposed to be in the ring are nowhere to be seen.]
Glitch Gremlin: Well, you sure packed quite a crowd tonight, Nerd! You sure did, standing room only... a full house of glitches! Ding ding ding! In this corner, we have weighing in at zero pounds and zero ounces, nothing! In this corner, we've got, much of the same! Nothing!
AVGN: No...
Glitch Gremlin: [As the in-game announcer repeatedly says "Next up is a fight..."] Do you hear that? What's that sound? Huh? Hm? ...Sounds of glitch. Your glitch. Enjoy it. [The Nerd resets Rocky, and the in-game combatants show up this time.] Nope. No use resetting. Not gonna do a thing.
AVGN: Eh, fuck you. It's working now. [Spider Rico suddenly sinks into the floor] What was that!?
Glitch Gremlin: I pulled him through the floor! That's a good one! Good one, Glitch Gremlin! [The Nerd looks on in shock as the fighters continuously sink to the floor. The Glitch Gremlin dances] Oh yeah! I'm glitching! Get down, you bad self! Get down! Get down! Get down! Whoo!
AVGN: Wow, I've never seen a game this fucked up. [Takes out the Rocky disc to clean it.]
Glitch Gremlin: [his reflection appears in the game disc] Not gonna work, not gonna work. What time is it? Not-gonna-work o'clock! [The Nerd plays the game again, but now the in-game boxers have warped facial features.] In this corner, we have Bug-Eyed Balboa!
AVGN: What happened to his mouth!?
Glitch Gremlin: His eyes are buggin' out! And in that corner, we've got Spider Rico, with no jaw!
AVGN: They're like zombies! What is this, "Rocky: The Undead Edition"? You are really one sick fuck, you know that? I'm gonna try Clubber Lang.
Glitch Gremlin: Ooh, Clubber Lang, that could be a good one. Let's see what else I've got up my sleeves - oh, I'm not wearing any, but for my final show-stopper, FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS! [The in-game model of Clubber Lang appears horrifically deformed and mis-assembled, heavily resembling fecal matter. A baffled Nerd drops his controller while the Gremlin laughs gleefully]
AVGN: It's a Clubber-Fuck!

Zelda II[edit]

AVGN: [commenting on the odd names for enemies in the original The Legend of Zelda] What do you call that? A snake? [buzzer sound] Wrong, it's called "Rope". Yeah, really! If you can't tell the difference between a snake and a rope, you're in trouble. What's that, a bat? [buzzer sound] No, it's "Keese". What do you call the keys then, "Bats"? What's that, a knight? [buzzer sound] A "Darknut". Well then, what's that? Uh, a, uh, Geiger counselman? [buzzer sound] Oh, a "Rock". What's that, a spider? [buzzer sound] A "Tektite". Now what the fuck is a Tektite!? Is that even a real word? I'll look it up... Yeah, it is. [reads off a dictionary] "Tektite. Any of several kinds of small glassy bodies, in various forms, occurring in Australia and elsewhere, now believed to have been produced by the impact of meteorites on the earth's surface." Yeah. Or, a spider. Well, fuck, let's move onto Zelda II.

AVGN: In each town, there's a woman that restores your health. She invites Link inside, and you never see what's happening in there. Is she giving him a potion? Is she performing a magic spell? No. We all know what's really happening. Link is like, you know, getting a little of the ol' in-out in-out. I mean, this isn't little boy Link anymore, he's grown up now. He learns all these special moves like the down-thrust and the up-thrust, and there, he learns the cunt-thrust. Yeah, that should be the name of a band. But really, Link deserves to get some because of all this hell he goes through. He's not gonna get any from Zelda... Well, then again, she's in a sleeping spell. What was Link doing there in the first place? Oh, no, Link's a poon hound.

AVGN: [upon discovering a glitch] Wait, that's not supposed to happen. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. [Link suddenly appears in the middle of the game world's ocean due to a glitch, unable to move] What the hell!?
Glitch Gremlin: Mmm! Glitches! You like 'em?
AVGN: Nooooo!

AVGN: [repeatedly failing to defeat the final boss, Dark Link] Well, it's impossible. I have better luck trying to fight my own shadow! [imitates trying to punch his own shadow on the wall and hurting his hand against the wall] You motherfucker! C'mon! God damn! [cuts back to the Nerd on his couch] You can't beat your own shadow, and that's what this game is. It's your dark alter ego that knows more about you than you know about yourself. I don't know how you could win, unless you're really hardcore. Some gamers are so hardcore with the first game, they've actually made it to Ganon without the sword. That's insane! But, people like a good challenge. You want a good challenge? Try beating Zelda II with the Power Glove, yeah! That's a laugh.

Back To The Future Trilogy[edit]

[While playing Who Framed Roger Rabbit on NES, AVGN calls the 1-800 number listed in the game]
Voiceover: No credit card? Try collect call back. Dial 1-215-SEX-TALK and we'll call you right back. Connecting you to hot live talk with horny students, housewives and working girls. That's 1-215-SEX...
AVGN: [In shock] Wow! Um... the number has definitely changed. ...And we now have a Nintendo game that gives a phone number to a sex hotline. That is fucking awesome.

AVGN: It's time to go back to the past, to go back to Back to the Future. I revisited this miserable shit-turd from my childhood, and now, it's time to revisit my revisiting of it. I wasn't satisfied with my incomplete review of it, and my lack of intention to the sequels. I guess you could say, I was a slacker.

AVGN: [Plays Back to the Future on NES] One thing I didn't elaborate on before is how Marty has some serious problem with his legs where he can't stop walking. You'd think this is a goddamn flying game because you can't stop! Imagine the problems Marty must go through on a daily basis, being cursed to walk for all eternity. Imagine trying to order at a fast food restaurant, or any restaurant. Imagine going to work or trying to use the bathroom or fly on a plane. He can only stand still when he's behind a counter at a cafe throwing milkshakes.

AVGN: [Playing the last level of Back to the Future NES] And finally, the DeLorean. Yes, the DeLorean makes an appearance, after all. This is supposed to be the scene where Marty is trying to get back to the future. The streets of Hill Valley are getting slammed with repeated lightning strikes! All you have to do here is dodge the lightning. That's all. Why are you dodging lightning anyway? Isn't Marty trying to get the lightning to hit the DeLorean to generate the 1.21 gigawatts and send him back to 1985? Isn't that the whole fucking idea of the movie? Anyway, that's Back to the Future NES. No special ending, nothing. [The music from the game continues playing] Fuck that music.

AVGN: Well, now that we have seen the whole game, we can conclude that it has... uh... some relation to the movie. But it doesn't have any of the familiar music cues. And don't tell me it was some kind of licensing issue. Like they were able to license the movie, but not the music that belongs with that movie that we all recognize. No Back to the Future theme, no "Power of Love", no "Back in Time", no "Johnny B. Goode". [subtitle "SORT OF"] Well, FUCK THIS!

AVGN: Why did LJN have to make every NES movie adaptation? Couldn't they have given somebody else a try? No, they wanted to incorporate the entire spectrum of awfulness: Purple for putrid game play, blue for bad musical abominations, green for graphical farts and garlic, yellow for piss poor lack of loyalty to source material, orange for "orange you a fucking idiot," and red for high-stress, anger-inducing masochism. Put that all together, you got all the colors of the shit rainbow. Hooray LJN.

AVGN: [Playing Back to the Future III on the Sega Genesis] Ugh, you fucking processing, stop being so BLAST! It's really hard to distinguish which objects are hazards and which are just there for decoration, like this underwear. This is a perfect example of a game that starts out way too hard. It's only the first level and I can't beat it! ...From what I understand, there's only four levels. For a Sega Genesis game, that's pathetic. I guess they were too lazy to design a longer game so they just made it more difficult so it'd take longer to beat, that's all! [the stage's theme music keeps on playing] Oh, that fucking song. I am so sick of hearing that. Next time I hear "Ghost Riders in the Sky", I'm gonna think about going a hundred miles per hour on a horse, jumping crates, and getting shot at and shit!

AVGN: [after playing Super Back to the Future II on Super Famicom] A good Back to the Future game? Somebody made a good Back to the Future game, and it was only in Japan? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS FUCKING WORLD?! We get THESE shitty games but not THAT one? Like, what the hell? Why would you do that? It's good, I mean it's not great but it's the best goddamn Back to the Future game I've ever played. It's actually a game! Why bury the gem and dig up the turd? Innocent people have suffered through these fucking fuck heaps! People developed fuckatitus from this shit! People have gone on to live horrible lives, kicking babies in the balls! If you would've went back in time and said to people, "Hey, hey, there's a good Back to the Future game. Put this shit down and go to Japan!" They would've looked at you like you're telling them to go teabag a goat on the surface of Mars. Well, thank you for taking a fucking shit on us all!

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Re-Revisited[edit]

AVGN: [sighs] I'm actually out of breath from looking at this. Why do you walk so slow? You know what - it's not that you walk slow, you walk normal, like a real-life human being. But everybody else comes flying at you with all piss and vinegar! What did the good doctor do to make everybody so upset!? I can see the townspeople sitting at the local pub, talking about him all day: "Yeah, I see Jekyll. You see him? You see him walking. And he just keeps fucking walking. I don't like 'im! He-he's an asshole! He wears his underwear backwards! He has eyeballs for testicles!"

AVGN: Ugh, these bees! Go away! [Jekyll's otherwise useless cane attack kills a bee] What happened? I killed... a bee? I KILLED SOMETHING! The only thing you can kill in the whole game, and it's a little, tiny, stupid, FUCKING BEE!

AVGN: Agh, I'm getting pwned by Billy Pones! I'm getting charged by women in pink dresses! I'm getting mutilated by rabid dogs and pissed-off cats! Ergh, watch out for the bird shit - whawhawhawhaWHAT!? [birds flying in the sky of the game defecate on Jekyll as one of the game's obstacles] It's definitely shit in a Nintendo game. And are the birds shitting dog turds? Yeah, look at it: They shit half their own size. That's not right. Birds shit little white splatter pellets, not big, brown, coiled-up poop mounds. And they never stop! ...Geez, wouldn't this be a good reason to call off the wedding? I mean, he has had quite a day. Wonder how the bride's been doing? She's probably worried about, I dunno, her dress or the color of the, the fucking flowers or some shit. Next thing, the groom shows up covered in bomb ashes and bird shit: "Sorry, honey, I'm late. I had quite a day. The whole - all living creatures in the whole fucking town tried to kill me, that's all!" [drinks whiskey] What makes him think the church is gonna be any better? Is the priest gonna throw candles at him? Is Jesus gonna climb off the fucking cross and start hittin' him with it?

AVGN: When Robert Louis Stevenson wrote his story about a doctor who makes a potion that exposes his inner evil, he didn't realize that the potion would become a reality. Not in the form of chemistry, but through a late 20th century interactive electronic apparatus. Awful music, dreadful graphics, unspeakable gameplay, deceptive enemies, unavoidable hazards, useless weaponry, all mixed together and calculated just right. That is a HORRIBLE concoction!

AVGN: [after waking up from a drink-induced, nightmarish sleep] I think I get it. Why, it's the best game ever made. It's more than a game! It exposes the dual nature of the human spirit. The only way to win the game is to be Jekyll, but you wanna be Hyde so you can shoot shit! You see, it's a constant battle between good and evil, and Jekyll must stay farther along his path than Hyde. If Hyde gains the lead, then evil will triumph over good, and that's the true conflict of the human soul! And to deny the evil completely would only force it into the subconscious mind, like a city broken into different social classes: people don't wanna step outside their own boundaries, like Jekyll wandering into the wrong section of town, he's unwelcome! Nevertheless, he must abide by his own good nature. No wonder the cane doesn't work! The game does not reward you for acting upon your malevolent intentions! It's a proposed guideline for a set of morality rules to be programmed into real life! It uses the Victorian Era as a fundamental depiction of outward respectability and inward lust, it's a metaphor for social and geographical fragmentation! It alludes the Freud theory of repression in which unacceptable desires or impulses are excluded from the conscious mind and left to operate on their own in the unconscious! ...Or, you could just say, the game fucking sucks.

Lester the Unlikely[edit]

AVGN: Have you ever had a game character disobey? [Lester automatically runs away from a large turtle on the ground despite AVGN's controller input] Go near the damn turtle! Why does he keep running!? What's so threatening about a fucking turtle!? Run, Lester, run! Get away from that turtle! That turtle might charge really fast!

AVGN: This is a penis-shaped piss stain on the face of gaming. I'd rather fuck the Wicked Witch of the West! I'd rather play a CD-i game! Yeah! Like The Flowers of Robert Mapplethorpe. [plays it, but after a while of just looking at still images of flowers] ...No, I wouldn't.

AVGN: Just let him die. Who wants to play as a weak, pathetic character like this? Wouldn't you rather be a tough guy? Isn't that the whole point of playing a game? To feel empowered? To be someone you're not? I mean, I get it - he's supposed to be a nerd. Well, this "nerd" makes me look like Charles Bronson! Steve Urkel could beat the shit out of this guy! I think this whole thing was an experiment: To create the world's worst video game character.

AVGN: No wonder why he didn't get his own sequels. I can imagine what "Lester the Unlikely 2" would've been like: The game would start and you couldn't even move. All that happens is Lester pulls down his pants, sucks his thumb and takes a shit. The third game, you couldn't even get past the title screen. All that happens, you push start and Lester falls down and farts. The fourth game doesn't even work at all. You just put it in your Super Nintendo... [Puts the cartridge in his console and then it explodes]...And it explodes! The fifth game isn't even game, it's just a bag of shit that says "Lester the Unlikely 5" on it. [holds up the bag which has shit dripping out and holds his nose] And there's a new one coming on the PS4 using the latest state of the art technology... [Holds up a PS2 disc]... of constructing the disc out of Orangutan diarrhea. Just turned out that was the only way and it really gives Blu-ray a run for its money. And the original Lester will always be a classic that's improved like wine. Wine that's made from fermented rat piss with the fine aroma of the dead, fly-swarmed carcass of a three-day-old deer, with the delicate, crisp flavor of skunk farts with highlights of ass sweat. The palette is rich with hints of residual dried poop-crust from a truck-stop bathroom. Goes down with the long lasting finish of fly-covered summer harbor trash. Fuck this game! And you know what? Fuck all games! Gonna watch some TV. [The Nerd turns on his TV and turns both channel switches several times, but the screen only displays white noise.] Man... TV nowadays sucks!

How The Nerd Stole Christmas[edit]

AVGN: Wall Street Kid is a game about cash and stocks. Might as well fill my Christmas socks with trash and severed cat cocks!

AVGN: Killing Time on 3DO doesn't give you enough ammo! Your parents paying fifty bucks for a game where you shoot the fuck out of ducks really sucks! I'd rather eat deceased skunk yeast than play inferior arcade ports like Altered Beast. Altered Beast is a nut-kicking feast I can't stand in the least!

AVGN: S.C.A.T. stands for Special Cybernetic Attack Team, but "the droppings of carnivorous mammals" is what the word "scat" really means. It's as close as you can get to a Nintendo game called "Shit".

AVGN: We'll see how they like Circus Caper, it's as fun as inhaling Chewbacca's anal vapor!

AVGN: [Playing Fist of the North Star on NES] Finding the right door is such a chore. C'mon, where do I go!? What a bore! Finally, when you do find the right door, how you go in? Wanna know the way? Not up, not down: By pressing Right, B, and A!!! How much were they drinking!? Why is it so stinking!? I'm staring unblinking, "What were they thinking!?"

Bear McCreary: [singing to the tune of You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch]
You're a mean one, Mr. Nerd.
You really are a jerk!
You're shameless as a shitmop,
You got mischief in your smirk, Mr. Nerd.
I wouldn't blame you when you're playing Atari Berzerk!
You're a vile one, Mr. Nerd.
You've got demons in your soul!
You're wacky and you're wicked,
Your crap is full of coal, Mr. Nerd.
You're as charming and fun as a grizzly bear with a gun!
You're a foul one, Mr. Nerd.
You're a dreadful drunken schmuck!
Your mouth is full of cusses,
your mind is full of yuck, Mr. Nerd.
The three words that best describe you are, and I quote:
Fick, Fack, Fuck!

Season Six[edit]

Day Dreamin' Davey[edit]

AVGN: Why does he care so much about a fucking pencil? Was he planning to take it home after school and shove it up his ass or something?

AVGN: This is the one guy you're supposed to touch. If you kill him, the shield dies with him. Makes a lotta sense.

AVGN: What's this? A hooker? She asks if I need some "help"? Really! There's a Nintendo game where a hooker tries to sell herself to a kid. Now this whole thing is worth it.

AVGN: [after defeating the Medusa] Finally when you kill her, you grab her head off the ground. You know what would be really awesome? If Davey woke up here, and had the teacher's decapitated head in his hands! [appears an image of Davey happily holding the teacher's blood dripping head] Yeah!

AVGN: [after Davey got a trophy in his dream, and he wakes up in front of the principal with the trophy actually in his possession] So Davey wakes up and the Principal's like, "Where'd you get that trophy?" So, now Davey's actually bringing back objects from his dreams? Does this make any sense? You know what would be cool? If Freddy Krueger came out and clawed his fucking face off.

Star Wars[edit]

AVGN: [Playing the Japanese Famicom Star Wars, the Nerd fights Darth Vader inside the sandcrawler level, and is shocked when Vader transforms into a scorpion.] Did that happen in the movie? Did that happen in... any of the movies?! Did Darth Vader say to Luke, "I am your father, and I am also, a fucking scorpion!" No! It's not true! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! WHY DOES DARTH VADER TURN INTO A FUCKING SCORPION!!? That doesn't even happen in the Special Editions! There is no version of Star Wars, in this universe or timeline, or any other - I'm sure of it - where Darth Vader turns into...[Takes his glasses off, cleans them, rubs his eyes, and puts them back on...]...a fucking scorpion.

AVGN: OK, so I guess he's going into the Mos Eisley bar. That's the famous scene in the movie where Luke meets Han Solo. But one thing I didn't know was that they allow Landspeeders in the bar. What, does Luke just crash his way in? [a car-crashing sound effect and a Chewbacca roar are imposed on Luke riding the landspeeder straight into the bar] It's quite interesting, actually. In this version, Luke gets to the bar so fast, I bet Han and Greedo were still talking at, at the table, and you know, who shot first, Han or Greedo, whatever. But actually, neither one of them did! Luke kills Greedo with his Landspeeder, right after Han says "Over my dead body!" BOOM! All of a sudden, Luke comes through, crashing with the fucking Landspeeder!!! I wanna see THAT in the next Special Edition.

AVGN: [Gets Game Over] Game Over, is that Darth Vader's breathing, or is that the sounds of the ocean?

AVGN: [Talking about the NES Star Wars game] The NES got a different Star Wars game. Hold on. No LJN? It's a movie based game, it's on Nintendo, and it wasn't made by LJN? Then it might have a chance.

AVGN: Man, the only way to beat an outrageously difficult game like this is to cheat! Like, I hear a lot of people use emulators or save-states. You know, that would be pretty handy, I guess, but you know what'd be better? How about just a button you press that makes the game beat? And that's why I invented the Beat-A-Game Button! Yeah! All you do, if you're playing a really hard game, you just push the button, and the game's beat!

AVGN: [Playing The Empire Strikes Back on the NES, finding an "easter egg" that shows a pixelated photograph of program engineer Ken Grant] And what's this? The program engineer shows his face? I wish it was Fred Fucks!

AVGN: Of course we had to stop somewhere because there's a whole galaxy of Star Wars-related games so this could've gone on and on. With Star Wars Rebel Assult, Dark Forces, Jedi Academy, Rogue Squadron, Battlefront, Star Wars Chess, Lego Star Wars, Star Wars Puzzle Blaster, Star Wars Pod Racer,[He then starts making them up as he goes along.] Jar Jar Binks Bingo, Death Star Builder 3.0, Chewie Wookie Cookie Cooking, Stormtrooper Tennis, Jabba's Farts Unleashed - that was a good one - Wedge's Wedgie Attack, Fishing For Ackbars, Super Sith Shit-Toss Tournament Edition, Boba Fett's Name Game - find his name in the fucking movies - Govenor Tarkin VS Count Dookie - [A cutout buffalo walks past and takes a dump through the AVGN's window breaking it at the same time, startling AVGN.] OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD! WHAT THE!? A FUCKING BUFFALO JUST TOOK A FUCKING SHIT THROUGH MY FUCKING WINDOW!!! OH MY FUCKING GOD, THERE'S SHIT AND FUCKING GLASS ALL OVER THE PLACE! WHERE IN THE FUCK DID THAT COME FROM!? OH MY GOD, NOW I GOTTA CLEAN ALL THIS SHIT UP! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!?

R.O.B The Robot[edit]

AVGN: What's the difference? All these games suck. ...All these games suck too! ...I'm surrounded by filth. I might as well just cover my walls in shit! I'm living in shit! Fucking video games. We wasted so many hours of human life with this vile crap. We failed in our existence when we were cursed with the technology to invent such horrible mind-rotting catastrophes. We were better in the fucking medieval times. I wish we were just sitting on the riverbank playing with fucking rocks!

AVGN: Well, what are we gonna play this time? [takes a pen out of his shirt pocket, tosses it backwards, then pulls a game off the shelf (even though it's not anywhere close to what he hit)] Gyromite? That was one of the original NES launch titles. Yeah, like Excitebike, Duck Hunt, and Super Mario Bros.! All the inital classics! Let's try it out. [puts the game in his Nintoaster, then reads title screen] "Robot Gyro"? Well, that's a good sign, when the title of the game isn't the same as on the fucking cover.
After a few minutes of not being able to play because he can't play without the second controller plugged in, the Nerd retrieves the second controller and plugs it into the input on the top of the Nintoaster.
AVGN: Okay, I get it, this is some kind of two player, co-op mode. Well, I was pretty sure I picked one player. [resets] I did! The one-player mode is a two player game!

AVGN: Okay, so I need a second player? Who the hell am I gonna get to play this shit with me?
[R.O.B. the Robot emerges from behind the couch]
R.O.B.: I will play, I am ROB, Robotic Operating Buddy.
AVGN: Okay, cool, a robot. Here ya go. [hands R.O.B. the controller]
R.O.B.: Error, does not compute, requires adaptive device.
AVGN: It's a controller! You play it!
R.O.B.: I do not have thumbs, you moron. Requires adaptive device, location, bottom drawer, 3.6 centimeters depth bottom right corner, 9.1 centimeters-
AVGN: Alright! [gets out the controls R.O.B. needs to play with] This thing?
R.O.B.: Correct, place controller into tray, align actuators with buttons.
AVGN: Okay, I get it, you push these little things and they activate the buttons...that's a little excessive, but whatever. [places the actuators in front of R.O.B.] All right R.O.B., you got all your stuff? You're all set? Let's play.
R.O.B.: Insufficient. Must have gyros.
AVGN: ...You want a fucking gyro now!? [goes into the kitchen, makes a gyro sandwich, and returns to R.O.B.] All right, here's your damn gyro.
R.O.B.: You idiot. That is not a gyro.
AVGN: I know, I tried! What, do you want me to go to fucking Greece?
R.O.B.: Bottom drawer.

AVGN: [commenting on the R.O.B.'s setup for Gyromite] Now this whole setup is like something Doc Brown or Pee-Wee Herman would use. ...You ready now, R.O.B.? You happy? You got enough shit to work with!?
R.O.B: Affirmative.
AVGN: Affirmative YOUR ASS! Let's play.

AVGN: [on Stack-Up] Why do I have to control a professor in a game to control the robot? Why can't I just control the robot myself? That'd be a lot easier, right? Yeah! A remote-control robot! Kids would like that! You'd see 'em sittin' on the sidewalks playing with their remote-control R.O.B.s. Just need to bring a TV set outside just to use him, that's all.

AVGN: What have you done?
R.O.B.: [after turning every game in the room into Gyromite and Stack-Up, the only two games R.O.B. can play] Prime objective: Eliminate all games that don't meet criteria. Criteria equals Gyromite and Stack-Up. Prime objective complete. No more inferior games. No more long passwords. No more annoying music. No more despicable controls. No more barf-inducing graphics. No more useless weapons. Like before, in 1983, the video game market was oversaturated with inferior games. All the product of human imperfection. The video game crash left many companies bankrupt. A prophecy was told that a hero would rise from the ashes. A robot warrior, that is I.
AVGN: Oh fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Nintendo made video games awesome again, for the most part. But I don't think Nintendo's success had anything to do with you!
R.O.B.: Be quiet. You are a biological unit with insufficient intellective and depth determination.
AVGN: You're no hero! [grabs a Mario doll] This is MY hero!

AVGN: [thinking] No more shitty games... No more... Karate Kid...? No more... Top Gun? ...No more Ghostbusters? No more Fester's Quest? ...No more Virtual Boy? No more Dick Tracy! ...No more Little Red Hood? No more... Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? ...I won't fucking HAVE IT!!

Spielberg Games[edit]

AVGN: You wanna know a recipe for shit? Take a movie, put it on NES, n' you got yourself some shit. But let's go even more extreme. Let's take one of the best movies ever made, Jaws, by one of the best directors, Steven Spielberg! And then, let's give it to the game company that has made more fucking shitty games than anybody else! You see that little rainbow, right there? LJN. ...Now we're talking shit. Ahh, LJN. What we're dealing with here is a shitty-game-making-machine. It's really a miracle of electronic evolution. All this machine does is joke, and cheat, and make shitty games, and that's all.

AVGN: We're gonna need a bigger ass... to shit out this fucking turd!

AVGN: Super Schindler's List 3D!? Nah, I'm just kiddin'. It's Jurassic Park.

AVGN: Looky looky, I got Hooky.

AVGN: It's amazing how many games in the NES library tried to be side-scrollers and failed. The weapon is puny, the controls suck, and it's nothing like the movie. It's a miserable experience that assaults your eyes and ears with horrible graphics and music. What about your nose? If it was possible, I'm sure the game cartridge would come with an air duct that pervades the room with the rancid odor of a skunk that's died up a horse's ass! Ugh! You know what kind of games I like? Good ones?

AVGN: [Playing Jurassic Park: Interactive on the 3DO] Oh, look at this! You're a tiny microscopic speck flying around in circuit-chip land shooting three-and-a-half-inch floppy disks. What does this have to do with Jurassic Park!? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING!? Wait a minute. What does it say on the floppy disks? "Dump"? It says "Dump"? How appropriate. This game is a bunch of anal dump.

AVGN: Jurassic Park on 3DO is a complete mockery, man. Does it suck? You bet "JUR ASS IC" sucks! In the words of Ian Malcom, "That is one big pile of shit."

The Making of an Angry Video Game Nerd episode/Barbie[edit]

AVGN: No degeneracy is low enough to satisfy the shit-seeking gamer who decides to play Barbie on NES. Whoo. We know that most games on NES are targeted towards young boys. So, here's one for the girls. As an adult male, why would I ever want to play this? Because I'm pathetic, and I'm asking for hell!

AVGN: So the game is actually her dream, in case you ever wanted to know what Barbie dreams about. She dreams about a nursery that's been overtaken by a poltergeist! Tennis rackets are hitting balls all over the place, there's clothing flying around, she has to fight the invisible woman, there's a puppy dog that's helping her attack evil stockings or something, Toucan Sam gives her a lift... I wonder if there's any psychological meaning behind these dreams. Barbie's really fucked up in the head. Even the craziest psychopaths on Earth don't dream this shit!

AVGN: The wallpaper's covered in roses, teddy bears, and baseballs. I guess you can say this game is balls to the wall. I can't help but notice how many balls are in the game. They're everywhere! Perhaps the meaning behind this is because she's obsessed with Ken's balls.

AVGN: I just got my ass handed to me by a Barbie game. This game was made for little girls and I can't even get past the first few stages. Fuck this game! Fucking Barbie! Plastic pink mall-shopping, bimbo, ball-craving, bird-riding, ghost-fighting, fish-flopping, psycho-dreaming, HAIR BRAIN PIECE OF SHIT! GO TO HELL!

Kid Kool[edit]

AVGN: Kid Kool is a game that's so bad, you wouldn't want to go wipe your ass on it. Your worst fucking enemies don't deserve to play this accursed, foul piece of garbage! Satan doesn't even have any games in Hell that are as wretched as this putrid shitload of fuck!

AVGN: There's parts where you have to get over water and the only way to do this is to master the fragile art of skipping across on your butt. Think it looks easy? It's not.

AVGN: What is the deal with this? Did the programmers have any clue how to make a video game? You're not supposed to have the game stop in mid-jump to reorient the screen! That is so irritating! How are you supposed to make a jump when the screen keeps jolting up and down!? How are you supposed to stomp on enemies!? Look at this! Look at this! We'll call it "air suspension shit-lift".

AVGN: So that's Kid Kool for you. It seems to deliberately follow the guidelines for making an unholy disaster of a game. It has one-way bullshit, two-gear diarrhea, it's heavy on the jump-fuckness, with loads of topside aquatic ass, it has frequent air suspension shit-lifts, a ton of inviso-bitches, and some free-falling fuckballs for good measure. How did they make the game this bad!? It's clearly untested and rushed beyond belief. There couldn't have been that big a demand for Kid Kool. What was the hurry? In order to do something good, it takes time.

AVGN: I went through all that torture just to be given the middle-finger salute!? This is a perfect example of a game that's been ruined by control. Control! And that's the hardest part to explain because unless you've played the game, you don't really understand. I mean, maybe you've played other games with horrible control like Karate Champ, or Dr. Claw's Dump n' Pump, but those don't compare. Playing this is like trying to thread a needle while it's spinning on a record player. It's like trying to drive a car blindfolded. You would NOT want to try that, nor would you want to try this game! Kid Kool is not cool! [the Nerd blindly throws the game over his shoulder, and by chance it lands into a garbage bin, to his astonishment.]

Nintendo World Championships[edit]

AVGN: [on the phone with Pat the NES Punk, discussing the authentic copy of the game in Pat's possession] Tell you what, uh, if you come on over? I'll help, uhm, authenticate it for you. I'll give it the Nerd seal of approval.
Pat the NES Punk: The "Nerd seal of approval"? What is that? Like, you'll take a dump on it?
AVGN: No, that would be the Nerd seal of disapproval. Come over, I'll take a look at it.

AVGN: [trying to convince Pat to give him the rarer gold NWC cart] The gold one's a piece of crap! I mean, you don't want that. I mean, you know how they made those! They just cut out the logo with cheap paper, and they glued it on! With glue!
Pat the NES Punk: Yeah! Elmer's glue!
AVGN: Yeah-yeah, I bet Mr. Elmer himself glued it on from his own goat. [imitates goat bleating]

Pat the NES Punk: [while getting ready to play NWC] Where's your Nintendo?
AVGN: Oh, the Nintendo? Right there, the Nintoaster.
Pat the NES Punk: The what? Are you playing video games or making breakfast? I'm not turning these expensive games into a goddamn English muffin!

AVGN: [while playing the Rad Racer portion of NWC] Just think, the NWC cartridges are so expensive, you could actually use that money and buy a real car!

Pat the NES Punk: [while playing the Tetris portion of NWC] You think you deserve these games? You changed your name from the Angry Nintendo Nerd to the Video Game Nerd! I'm the NES Punk, I deserve these games!
AVGN: I know a lot of people who own Tetris. And they actually have the whole game!

AVGN: Nintendo World Championships is poop on a pedestal. It's an over-glorified holy shit-grail! Fuck it to hell, fuck it to high heaven, purgatory, and all existence!

Dark Castle[edit]

AVGN: This is gonna get scary. Okay, I play a lot of 8-bit shit; you know, NES. Why is there so many crappy games on NES? I mean - you know, they have lots of great, classic games as well. But its precious library was being used by all these half-ass game companies as a dumping ground for all their foul shit.

AVGN: [on the game's attacking controls] Why couldn’t this just operate like any normal game? Whoever came up with this idea is nuttier than squirrel poop.

AVGN: As you notice, you can duck, it's done by pressing Down and B. But it only ducks for like a second. To stay ducking, you have to press up and B. Yup, pressing Up to duck is pretty fucked up!

AVGN: I happen to find a key, but I can’t figure out what it does. I tried every spot I can think of, but this key is as useless as boobs on a bull. Anything you do, you're fucked! Try this, you're fucked. Try that, you're fucked. You're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked!

AVGN: This is beyond any doubt, the worst Sega Genesis game I have ever played. There’s gotta be something I’m doing wrong. Let me see; maybe it’s on a really high difficulty setting - yeah, let me see what I can do here. Umm… EASY!? It was on easy!? That’s their idea of fucking easy!? Are they out of their minds!? Alright, let’s flick that shit-switch and crank up that diarrhea-dial; I got Dark Castle on C! D! I!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [roaring while flames engulf the room]

AVGN: I can barely even fucking move! The control is impossible! You can’t control it. You have more control over the weather than you do in the character in this game!

AVGN: The Genesis version was bad, but this one fucks you harder than life itself! It’s like mixing shit with turds! It’s the most heinously anus thing ever conceived by humankind! It’s a curse to the soul, and it must suffer the tortures of the damned!

Bible Games III[edit]

AVGN: In the beginning, the game company called Wisdom Tree began producing unlicensed games for the NES. Wisdom Tree said, "Let there be shit." And there was shit. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about: Bible games.

AVGN: [playing a Hangman-style game in King James Bible on Game Boy] Alright, what's the word? "Goodliest"? Who the fuck uses a word like that? "Blessedness"? Of course. They're all ancient words that nobody says anymore in common speech. Well, that's all there is to that. I marvel at this game's shitliness.

AVGN: The other thing you can do is search for words in the Bible. For example, we can search, I dunno, how about the word "Ass"? [many results appear] Okay, I had no idea there'd be this many results. "Then they rent their clothes and laded every man his ass", "loose his ox or his ass", "whose ass have I taken?", "deliver unto his neighbour an ass", "Which of you shall have an ass", "he had found a young ass", "the dumb ass" - [laughs] it says "dumb ass" in the Bible - "saddled his ass", "opened his sack to give his ass", "the lion had not eaten the carcase, nor torn the ass", "riding upon his ass"? [chuckles] Oh, I'm going to Hell.

AVGN: [playing the Genesis version of Bible Adventures] Man, Noah has some balls to be rescuing snakes. Indiana Jones wouldn't do that. No, he thinks Noah is a snake-saving shit-sucker. Pee-wee Herman once saved snakes, but he fainted. That's right, in order of manliness, Indiana Jones, then Pee-wee, and then fucking Noah.

AVGN: The monkeys, I hate them. They're so fucking hard to catch! I'm gonna get ya, you stupid monkey. Yeah! Whatever it takes fuckface. You're slime... you're filth... I'm gonna rip you apart.

AVGN: The graphics are dull. There's so much brown. The Ark is brown, the trees are brown. Why's everything gotta be the color of shit? It might as well be shit. Yeah! Those trees in the background are like logs of shit coming out of God's ass. It's HOLY shit.

AVGN: [replaying Flight To Egypt] Every pixel in this game is a sin. First of all, I don't get the title. "Flight to Egypt"? You're not flying, you're riding on a donkey, or an ass, if you prefer. What airline is this? "Ass Express"? ...And yes, I know the word "Flight" doesn't necessarily mean aviation, but, hey, it's a fucking joke. Your only attack is this embarrassing, dinky little kick which can't harm anything, unless it's right up in your ass. Or I should say, your ass's ass, not your ass that's sitting upon the ass.

Season Seven[edit]

Schwarzenegger Games[edit]

AVGN: I could kick a baby pony!

AVGN: I could take a chainsaw to a baby's neck!

AVGN: (holding up the Total Recall game) Take this game for example, Total Recall. I remember my first time playing it as a kid. It was a Friday night, my homework was all done, my mom took me to the video store, I rented this game, I took it home and I played it, and it just FUCKING PISSED ME OFF, AND RUINED MY WHOLE GODDAMN WEEKEND!!!

AVGN: This game blows ass, sucks duck cunt, fucking shit munchin' bunch of pile of... poop.

Ghosts 'N Goblins[edit]

AVGN: Now, what's there to say about Ghosts 'N Goblins? Well, it's not a bad game. It's made by Capcom so how could it? But, it's one of the most difficult games in the NES library. This game is harder than fossilized triceratops turds! I'm talking Mega Man combined with Castlevania, that kind of hard. Games this ruthless and unforgiving should be illegal. And I never got a petition to review any other game. That's a true testament to the game's legacy and the internal frustration that scarred us all since childhood.

AVGN: It begins with one of the most shocking intros in video game history. A couple just got done having sex in a cemetery. I'm not even kidding! What else does it look like? He's not even wearing clothes! Next thing, Satan shows up as if saying "Yeah, I want to get in on some of that!" and takes her away. That's the plot. Is that the greatest opening to an NES game or what?

AVGN: [After getting killed by Satan in level 6] Aw, FUCK!! (To the Jack O' Lantern) What are you laughing at?!

AVGN: You know what? I'm sick of it! I've been playing this fucking game since the 80's. I gotta beat it! I need closure on this. I need to end this chapter on my life. This chapter of...not beating Ghosts 'N Goblins. I did it! I beat two Satans...in my underwear!

AVGN: [After beating the Devil] You know what? I don't try to be cocky or anything but, who's the man?! I just beat one of the hardest games of all time! I bet you really didn't think I could do it but I got this man. I GOT THIS BY THE ASS! [reads the next screen]
This room is an illusion and
is a trap devisvt by Satan
Go ahead dauntlessly!
Make rapid progres!
AVGN: [starting again from the beginning of the game] You have to beat the game twice? You have to beat the game twice in a row. (laughs) That's just great because this time I'm TWICE AS FUCKING PISSED OFF!! Beat the game twice. I'll show you twice. After all that hard work, who would want to do that shit again? It's like building a house and when you're finished, you tear it down just to build it one more time. "Oh yeah, we could've made 12 stages. But instead, let's just make six and make people have to play the game twice!"

AVGN: [After beating the devil again] ALRIGHT! I did it! [reads the ending screen]
Congraturation
This story is happy end.
Thank you.
Being the wise and coureagour
knight that you are you
feel strongth welling
in your body.
Return to starting point.
Challenge again!
AVGN: Curse! Curse! Goddammit! I used up all my "Fuck" points during the last 107 episodes. I don't have anything new. I gotta rely on the old tricks.
[AVGN starts fighting the Ghosts 'N Goblins cartridge Final Fantasy style]
AVGN: All right. Lets try the cluster F-Bombs. Fuck this fucking piece of shit fucking shit fucker game! [GNG attacks AVGN back] Gotta go for the precision F-Strike. Oh how this game lures you in with its appealing gameplay and charming atmosphere, then bends you over & then fucks you to hell! [GNG attacks AVGN with diarrhea blast.] All right, how about some wordplay? Alliteration, Feast on some fried fuckfarts! Assonance, What's up, you dumb fucktuple motherhumpin' motherfucker's uncle?! Um, Rhymes! Suck on this muck, you run a fuck mucked up uhh...mandarin duck! [misses. GNG attacks AVGN with Blizzard of Balls] Alright, when all else fails, it's time for the atomic F-Bomb! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!

Atari Sports[edit]

AVGN: "Grand Pricks". Yeah, it's "prix", but it looks like "pricks".

AVGN: Back to football video games! Madden, Madden, Madden. Madden '91! Madden '92, Madden '93, Madden '94, Madden '95, Madden '96, Madden '97, Madden '98, Madden '99, Madden 2000, Madden 2001, Madden 2002, Madden 2003! Who the fuck is John Madden anyway?! He doesn't even look like an athlete! What is it with football? Everywhere you go football! Go there football! Football, football football. Like, what the fuck?! Sunday night football! Monday night football! Thursday night football! Football on Thanksgiving! Football on Christmas, and out of all sports, it's the one everyone goes fucking ape-shit over! Makes them act like fucking maniacs! (screams and crushes rolling rock can with his head)

AVGN: Look at these titles! Baseball, Basketball, Football, not this "Madden" shit. Just plain-ass, normal, everyday, no question about it, no NFL, no year, not named after a player, not named after a coach, not named after the referee's pet goldfish, no quarterback, dimeback, Nickelback, simple, ordinary, unembellished, unmistakable, crystal clear, as frank as Frankenstein, as blunt as an atom BOMB, one compound word, it's motherfucking, goddamn, sons-of-bitching, fuck, fuck, FUCKING FOOTBALL!
[plays the game]
AVGN: ...aaaaand it's one of the worst games I've ever played.

Ikari Warriors[edit]

AVGN: Two guys, tugging at their crotches, march up to the title, fire their guns around at nothing, and then you pick one or two players. Well, I'm not getting anybody to play this shit with me. So, I'm going solo like usual.

AVGN: An average game of Ikari Warriors lasts about five minutes. But you're in luck, there's a code. A-B-B-A. It brings you back to life. [dies] Oop. I'm dead again. A-B-B-A. [dies again] ABBA. Get used to that, you're going to be doing that a lot. [dies a third time] A-B-B-A.

AVGN [commenting on the slow nature of the gameplay]: It's not horrible, it's just tedious as fuck and with one player, this is gonna take all night. I need a second player.
[The Nerd looks over to the end of the couch, behind which is a skeleton wearing a fedora and a guitar. He nods to the camera, then gets up and walks over to the skeleton.]
AVGN: A-B-B-A.
[The skeleton slowly comes back to life, in the form of Kyle Justin. Kyle sees The Nerd and groans in disgust.]
Kyle Justin: Ugh. I guess somebody needs a favor.
AVGN: Yeah. I need your help, to beat a game.
Kyle Justin: Let me-- let me guess. A shitty game?
AVGN: Yeah, a shitty game. Ikari Warriors.
Kyle Justin: Yeah, I know that game.
AVGN: Oh yeah?
Kyle Justin: Yeah, I know what you could do with that game too.
AVGN: Uh huh.
Kyle Justin: Yeah, yeah. You take the game, and you take your ass cheeks as well, and you just open them up really wide, and you grease up the game and just shove it up your ass! I'm not helping you. Besides, you never play my theme song anymore.
AVGN: Yeah, the theme song. And I thought people were getting tired of that.
Kyle Justin: You thought wrong.
AVGN: Yeah, [to camera] I know. Alright, so if we do the theme song, will you play the game with me?
Kyle Justin: Fine.
AVGN: Alright. Let's do this. Play the song. [Kyle cracks his knuckles and sings random notes] Play the song. [Kyle clears his throat] Play the fucking song! [Kyle sings the theme song]

AVGN: Okay, Ikari Warriors. You know what "Ikari" means?
Kyle Justin: What?
AVGN: Anger.
Kyle Justin: Do you know what "Warrior" means?
AVGN: "Warrior"? No.
Kyle Justin: Brave soldier or fighter?
AVGN: Brave soldier or fighter.

Kyle Justin: So who is this guy? Rambo?
AVGN: Well, if that's Rambo, who's the other guy?
Kyle Justin: Arnold Schwarzenegger?
AVGN: Which movie?
Kyle Justin: Commando.
AVGN: That'd be a fucking awesome movie! John Matrix and John Rambo, together at last! Of course it'd be "Rambo and Commando'". Say that three times fast.
AVGN and Kyle Justin: Rambo Commando Rambo Commando Rambo Commando!

AVGN: Yeah, made it to Level 3. And finally it looks different! But the music's still the same. Anyway, it looks so different it's like you stepped out of the jungle an into The Twilight Zone. Look at all the white chocolate bars and scrotum guns.
Kyle Justin: [singing] White chocolate bars and scrotum guns. [stops singing] Wait, I don't remember the episode with the scrotum guns, but the one with the gremlin on the wing was pretty good.

Kyle Justin: [singing]It's the game of life.
A, B, B, A.
It will bring you back today if you want it to.
[The Nerd has died again and is frantically trying to punch the code in.]
AVGN: A-B-B-A! A-B-B-A! Fuck!
Kyle Justin: [singing]] It will save you today...
AVGN: It didn't save me now!
Kyle Justin: [singing] and bring you back to life...
AVGN: Apparently near the end of Level 3, A-B-B-A stops working.
Kyle Justin: ...didn't save him today...
AVGN: Okay, so here's what we're gonna do. First, we're gonna use Game Genie to get infinite lives. [puts the NES Game Genie with the cartridge attached into the Nintoaster] Then we're gonna use a stage select code; that way we can go back to Level 3 and continue our fucking game. You can find the code in the classic book How to Win at Nintendo. Nowcheck out this code: "right before the title screen, press: up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A ,B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B, select." [pauses incredulously] WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?! Why's the code have to be so fucking long?

AVGN: Anyway, the last stage is as hard as fuck. I hate these guys that swim under water. You cant shoot them when they're submerged, and they're too fast to outrun. What are these, human beings or fucking torpedoes?
Kyle Justin: (singing) Throw milk at them, just try it, might work.

AVGN: Now let's see how bad this ending sucks.
Kyle Justin: [singing to the tune of the AVGN theme song]
You have accomplished
the mission.
You are the very prevailer
that protect right
and justice.
I would express my sincere.
Thanks to you.
Take good rest!
General Kawasaki
AVGN: Get back behind the couch.
Kyle Justin: [still singing] He's the Angry Video Game Nerd.

Toxic Crusaders[edit]

AVGN: Why's it always gotta be bats?
Lloyd Kaufman: Bats... Th-These aren't bats, Nerd! These are cats with wings. When... When I was a teenager at Tijuana, I had some pussy with wings [AVGN smiles and snickers before covering his face with his hands] And and... Th-That's what it's all about, man! [AVGN laughs offscreen]
AVGN: Yeah. How do you like this? World 2-4, World 2-5, and we're still going. And it's a portable console! You can beat Super Mario Land at a time--
Lloyd Kaufman: [Interrupts the Nerd] Wh-What are you talking about?! You want something to, uh, take a long time to beat?! Would take me a long time to beat off to Justin Beiber, man! And uh...
AVGN: [nods in agreement] Takes a long time.
Lloyd Kaufman: LONG?! My PENIS is pretty damn long right now! [AVGN snickers offscreen] And I'm... I'm not even flacid.
AVGN: Look at all the "Z"s on the fence. That's exactly how I feel when I play this game. [Lloyd Kaufman yawns as he falls asleep with the controller in his mouth] ...Like going to sleep. [AVGN glances at him and nods] Alright, alright. Okay, okay. Okay, okay!
Lloyd Kaufman: [suddenly wakes up and hallucinates] Ah! Where am I?! [whimpers as he twiddles with the SNES controller]
AVGN: Alright.

AVGN: Well, as you can see, you can tell it's another beat'em up game. So what do you think of that chopper? Why's it have so many colors?
Lloyd Kaufman: Well, uh, the chopper is made out of a tie, man. And it's tie dye. That's why it is those many colors. [AVGN shakes his head before he and Lloyd Kaufman struggle over the controller] Give me that! Give me that! I want that!

AVGN: What 'bout the music? Couldn't they have something more upbeat and action-packed? [volume of background music from Toxic Crusaders for Sega Gensis increases]
Lloyd Kaufman: I love it. I love it. I...It makes me want to strip, Nerd. [actually removes his coat along the music while AVGN quickly glances and shakes his head] I wanna take my clothes off.
AVGN: Okay, okay, okay!
Lloyd Kaufman: Ah, I love this music.

Bill & Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure[edit]

AVGN: Who are these "time rebels," and why do they want to do this? Well, guess what. They're never referred to again. Yeah, they're just for your imagination. [a thought bubble with the time rebels appear]
Blue-Haired Rebel: Man, wouldn't it be funny if we put Thomas Edison in Ancient Egypt? (chuckles)
Green-Haired Rebel: How about Galileo in the Jurassic period? (they both chuckle) We're assholes.

AVGN: I'm losing my faith in the NES library! Was there any quality control here? You know, that seal of quality, did that mean anything?! Did anyone look at these games before they dumped them in the back of every KB's and Toys R Us? How many of these games are worthless?! All the LJN ones, I can tell you that! But there are good games here, there are! Zelda, Mario, Metroid, Contra, Castlevania, Mega Man... but then, A BIG FUCKING SHITSTORM HIT IT! A SHITSTORM, OF HORRIBLE GAMES! And in the middle of it all, a rainbow! A rainbow of shit! LJN! And Bill and Ted might even be, the worst LJN game on the NES. It doesn't just have some "flaws," there's no good and bad, this game is all bad. Like, I'm impressed! How did they do it? How did they make it so bad? Bad doesn't even describe it! It's disgraceful! It's putrid! In fact, I even looked up the word "putrid" in the dictionary. There's no definition. It's just a picture of Bill and Ted on the NES! Curse this fucking game! Curse the plastic that encases this dung heap! Literally! It's a plastic shell filled with shit! IT'S FUCKING SHIT! It's... it's ass... it's gar-bitch... and that's it. Good night.
(walks off screen for a few seconds, before coming back)
AVGN: Oh wait, and I forgot to mention, as a matter of fact, it also sucks monkey fuck and it's a worthless pitiful pile of snot-dripping, puss-bubbling, wet-steaming mountain of buffalo butt dump, and mere descriptions can't even describe the inane lack of common sense that even a child would possess when making a game with chalk on a sidewalk! I can't even come up with a description that's foul and disgusting enough to even come close to this rancid abomination! Can't describe it. I'm done. For real this time.
(walks off screen for a longer time, before running back on screen)
AVGN: THIS GAME IS DIARRHEA COMING OUT OF AN OLD WOMAN'S BLEEDING VAGINA! IT'S FUCKING TERRIBLE! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?! I know. They weren't thinking.

Tiger Electronic Games[edit]

AVGN: Tiger, on the other hand, continued well into the 90s. In fact, I remember these things being more common in the 90s than ever. They kept pouring obsolete games into stores, and we were still buying them. They wouldn't die off! They were like cockroaches! By giving people a cheap alternative, they managed to coexist with the Game Boy. Yeah, this Tiger definitely rose up to the challenge of its rival, had the guts, got the glory, went the distance, now it's not going to stop! It's literally a Survivor!

AVGN: Tiger games were so outdated they were never in-dated! They were a fad, like Pogs! If they were an experiment in the 70's and they only made a few of them, then I could accept that. But no, they milked these things for all that they're worth! You thought LJN was the grand champion, the almighty shitty game factory? Tiger put LJN to shame! Sure, LJN laid down turd after turd after turd, but Tiger was like a machine gun ass shitting out turdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturd! These are the worst games I've had the honor of playing, if you can even count them as video games! People have discussions like "Are video games art?" or something like that. Well, I have a better one: are Tiger games video games? These are a caveman's version of video games! These were a step back in human evolution! These are the most desperate attempt at entertainment! You could save up for a Game Boy, or just go [mimics playing a game with the sound effects]. Yeah, well [mimics game sounds to motions of jerking off and flipping the bird]! Just what the hell? How did they waste so much plastic to make these things?! It brought the game industry down as low as it could go! It's proof that Jesus died in vain and legally changed his middle name to Fucking! The only thing I can think of to use these things for is to wipe your ass with it! You might as well save that toilet paper. It's worth a whole lot more.

AVGN: [playing a Double Dragon wrist game] What. The. Ass. Talk about desperate. I'd have more fun setting the time on a digital watch. This is shits for the birds! Now check this out: Batman Returns, the wrist game. Oh boy. [struggles to open it] Wait, I can't get it open. Good. God, I hate this shit! You know...you know what's bullshit?
[As he continues to try to open it, the Bullshit Man from the Cinemassacre series "You Know What's Bull Shit" enters the room with a pair of scissors.]
Bullshit Man: You know what's BULLSHIT?! Packaging that you need scissors to open. Even with the scissors, it's still a pain in the ass! Why is this plastic so fucking strong? This stuff is bulletproof! Nobody wants this shit, so why do they do it? They use it on everything! This packaging should be outlawed! Why does it exist? I especially love it when you buy scissors and you need scissors to open the scissors. What fucking idiots think this is a good idea? They don't care. By the time you're having this problem, you already bought it. Packaging like this is bullshit! [Leaves]
AVGN: Thanks, Bullshit Man!

AVGN: [playing the Batman Returns wrist game] Wow, look at how badass this game is. Yeah, this is the hot shit right here. You'd be so cool going around wearing this thing. Yeah, you'd be walking around school with this thing on, and everybody else is talking about what the new hot video game system is going to be. Nintendo 64? The Bit Wars? 64 bits. 32 bits. 16 bits. 8 bits. 4 bits! 2 bits! 1 BIT! HALF-BIT! QUARTER-BIT! THE WRIST GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!!!

AVGN: So, that was the Game.com. Needless to say, it flopped, especially with Nintendo dominating the handheld market. So, hey, why not just follow whatever Nintendo's doing? That mentality is what brought us what I think, so far, is the worst video game console I have ever played: the R-Zone. This is basically a shitty version of the Virtual Boy. Yes, I said that, as if the Virtual Boy wasn't shitty enough. Just look at it! What planet did this thing come from?

AVGN: Just when you thought the most sorry, pathetic excuse for a video game was the Tiger wrist games, oh no. [points to wrist game] Imagine playing one of these, up close to your eye in red-and-black. [shot of the gameplay from the R-Zone's Batman Forever game] GOOD LORD! You thought I was kidding. But it's true. This actually happened. Unlike the Virtual Boy, which causes eyestrain and headaches within minutes, this thing does it immediately!

Alien 3[edit]

AVGN: It's the Halloween season again, and I can't miss the occasion to celebrate by torturing myself with another assanine game!

AVGN: Quality ass? QUALITY ASS?

AVGN Games![edit]

AVGN: Well, anyway, the first AVGN game I'm gonna look at is: The Angry Video Game by Eric Ruth. This was the first AVGN game that ever came to my attention back in 2008. You might be wondering: what took me so long to get around to it? Well, the answer is simple: That's how long it took to load it on my Commodore 64!

AVGN: And, at last, we have the recent Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures, also produced by ScrewAttack, developed by FreakZone Games, and officially endorsed by me. Which means, I better check it out, make sure they didn't fuck it up.

AVGN Wish List (Part 1)[edit]

AVGN Wish List (Part 2)[edit]

AVGN: The Three Stooges. This has always been a huge request. I've dreaded this moment for a long time. [powers on the game, which displays the title screen for Ghostbusters II] What?! Ghostbusters II?
[The Three Stooges walk onto the title screen, and stop in front of the Ghostbusters logo]
Curly: Hey, fellas, we're in the wrong game!
Larry: This looks like a kid's game.
Moe: You imbeciles!
AVGN: Now, that's funny!

AVGN: [after commenting that Spider-Man and Venom: Maximum Carnage is a good game, and learning that LJN published it] Oh, my God. OH, MY GOD! THEY DID IT! THEY PULLED THROUGH! OH MY GOD!!! THEY MADE A GAME... THAT'S NOT A STEAMING PILE OF FUCKIN' SHIT!! OH MY GOOOOD!!! THEY DIIID IIIIT! THEY MADE A GAME... THAT'S NOOOOT SHIIIIT! I found a gold, at the end of the rainbow! Ohh, maybe it's not gold, maybe it's bronze or something, BUT THEY MADE A GAME... THAT'S NOT SHIIIT! IT'S NOOOOOOT SHIIIIIIIIIIT!

Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing[edit]

AVGN: I'm not trying to find glitches, it just so happens that the whole game is a glitch! Look at this picture here; the hill turned into nothing, the tail lights are flying off the truck and this bridge is hovering over thin air! The support beams are so close to touching the ground, but don't.

AVGN: This is the most unstable game I've ever played in my life.

AVGN: But there's at least one other version of this game, a newer one - version 3 as far as my knowledge goes - but anyway this one has a major advancement. Really big. Check this out; the other truck moves. Wow. No shit. It's like we're actually having a race here. I'm gonna let him win just to see what happens. I hope it says "You're a lose" or something like that. [Crosses the finish line, "You win" screen pops up. The Nerd looks in confusion] What happened?! How did I win?! Apparently, the other truck driver just decided to stop a little short. In other words; you can't lose! Why did they bother to release a new version if they didn't even fix the most basic thing?! But hey, the truck moves! So maybe this improvement pushes the game into the... pre-alpha stage. At best!

AVGN: These monumental blunders distract from all the regular flaws which would already be enough to fill any shitty game; most of the stages look similar, there's little variety, there are no sound effects other than the engine of the truck, the tail lights are fixated on the back of the trailer doors and they look like someone made them in Photoshop with a basic brush tool! Want me to prove it? [Creates tail lights exactly like the ones in Big Rigs in Photoshop] There you go. The street is always breaking up like the Glitch Gremlin paved over it, certain light posts are given strange colours that stick out from the rest of the game, the Arc de Triomphe appears twice in a row in a geographically inaccurate area, the trucks are referred to as "cars", the "Ultranav" points you get from crossing checkpoints don't always go in order - what the fuck is "Ultranav" anyway? The timer goes outside the box and on top of all that the box that the game comes in is a complete lie!

AVGN: This game "delivers a load" all right - load of fucking shit! I'll deliver a load all over this fucking game!

AVGN: This is not even close to a finished game - if you can call it a game. It's the worst game ever made! And I've played a lot, what is this, episode 118? So that is a big statement, but I'm DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS. It isn't as frustrating as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, no no, it's not as bad of an experience as that, but in terms of functionality, this is an all time low.

AVGN: Someone from the ESRB looked at this game and gave it a rating! I know it's not their job to judge the quality of the game, but somebody looked at this and thought "Wow. This is shit. But, E.".

[Mock advertisement, featuring gameplay footage, over the top production and a heavily tattooed James Rolfe wearing sunglasses, acting as a trucker]
Trucker: Hey, kids! Strap yourself in for some action packed racing!
Voice over: It's Big Rigs!
Trucker: Eighteen wheels of thunder, and we've got trucks! Yeah... trucks!
Voice over: Big Rigs!
Trucker: Off-road traction! More power for non-stop driving action!
Voice over: Big Rigs!
Trucker: Over the Road Racing! Under the road, over the road, who knows?
Voice over: Big Rigs!
Trucker: Never lose a race again, You're always winner!
Voice over: With Big Rigs!
Trucker: Engines equipped with quantum phasing molecular mechanics to pass through solid objects so as to not interrupt the racing experience! Nothing stands in your way!
Voice over: When you're Big Rigs!
Trucker: Rear spinning tires with warp-drive velocity for interdimentional exploring! Leave the game behind and exceed the boundaries of existence!
Voice over: Big motherFUCKin' Riiiiiiggs!
Trucker: Drivin' around in fuckin' trucks!
Voice over: BIIIIIIIIG MOOTHHHERRRRRFUCCCCKIN' RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGS!!! Big Rigs.

Desert Bus[edit]