The Big Bang Theory

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The Big Bang Theory (2007 -) is an American television show, airing on CBS, about two geniuses and their beautiful neighbor. Created by the creators of Two and a Half Men and Dharma & Greg.


Contents

Season 1

Pilot [1.01]

Sheldon: [about donating sperm] What if she winds up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve?
Leonard: I'm sure she'll still love him.
Sheldon: I wouldn't.
Penny: I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know...
Sheldon:Yes... it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
Penny: Participate in the what?
Leonard: What he means is that wouldn't be his first guess.
Penny: Yeah, a lot of people think I'm a water sign.

The Big Bran Hypothesis [1.02]

[Discussing a large box of furniture which they have to take to the fourth floor, with the elevator out of order]
Leonard: Well, we'll just have to take it up ourselves.
Sheldon: I hardly think so.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: Well, we don't have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.
Leonard: We don't need strength, we're physicists. We are the intellectual descendants of Archimedes. Give me a lever and a fulcrum and I could lift the earth.
[The package starts falling on him]
Leonard: I don't have this! I don't have this! I DON'T HAVE THIS!
[Sheldon lifts the package off him]
Sheldon: Archimedes would be so proud.
Leonard: Well, do you have any ideas?
Sheldon: Yeah, but they all involve a Green Lantern and a power ring.
Leonard: [in Penny's apartment in the middle of the night] Do you realize if Penny wakes up, there's no reasonable explanation to why we are here?
Sheldon: I just gave you a reasonable explanation.
Leonard: No, you gave me an explanation. Its reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers!
Sheldon: Don't be ridiculous. I have no peers.

The Fuzzy Boots Corollary [1.03]

Leonard: Hello Leslie.
Leslie: Hi Leonard.
Leonard: I'd like to propose an experiment…
Leslie: Goggles, Leonard.
Leonard: Right. I would like to propose an experiment.
Leslie: Hang on. I'm trying to see how long it takes a 500-kilowatt oxygen iodine laser to heat up my Cup o' Noodles.
Leonard: I've done it. About two seconds, 2.6 for minestrone. Anyway, I was thinking more of a bio-social exploration with a neuro-chemical overlay.
Leslie: Wait, are you asking me out?
Leonard: I was going to characterize it as the modification of our colleague-slash-friendship paradigm with the addition of a date-like component, but we don't need to quibble over terminology.
Leslie: What sort of experiment?
Leonard: There's a generally accepted pattern in this area. I would pick you up. Take you to a restaurant. Then we would see a movie, probably a romantic comedy featuring the talents of Hugh Grant or Sandra Bullock.
Leslie: Interesting. And would you agree that the primary way we would evaluate either the success or failure of the date would be based on the biochemical reaction during the good night kiss?
Leonard: Heart rate, pheromones, et cetera. Yes.
Leslie: Why don't we just stipulate that the date goes well and move to the key variable?
Leonard: You mean kiss you now?
Leslie: Yes.
Leonard: Can you define the parameters of the kiss?
Leslie: Closed-mouth but romantic. Mint?
Howard: Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn't, would you want me to tell you?
Sheldon: That depends. When I learn that I'm a robot, will I be able to handle it?
Howard: Maybe, although the history of science fiction is not on your side.
Sheldon: Uh, let me ask you this: when I learn that I'm a robot, would I be bound by Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics?
Raj: You might be bound by them right now.
Howard: That's true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or, through inaction, allowed a human being to come to harm?
Sheldon: Of course not.
Raj: Have you ever harmed yourself or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would've been endangered?
Sheldon: Well, no.
Howard: I smell robot.

The Luminous Fish Effect [1.04]

Sheldon: I've spent the past three-and-a-half years staring at greaseboards full of equations; before that, I spent four years working on my thesis; before that, I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade.
Mrs. Cooper: [in trying to get Sheldon to go apologize to his boss Dr. Gablehauzer] Now listen here, Sheldon, I've been telling you since you were five years old, it's okay to be smarter than everyone else, but you can't go around pointing it out!
Sheldon: Why?
Mrs. Cooper: [sternly] Because other people don't like it!! Remember all the ass-kickings you used to get from the neighbor kids? Are you ready? Get your shoes, shirt and let's shove off!
Sheldon: [in a defeated tone of voice] There wouldn't have been any ass-kickings if that stupid death-ray would've worked.

The Hamburger Postulate [1.05]

Leonard: What did Penny mean, "you'd make a cute couple"?
Sheldon: Well, I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, though somewhat less likely interpretation is that you could manufacture one. As in, "Oh, look, Leonard and Leslie made Mr. and Mrs. Goldfarb! Aren't they adorable?"
Leonard: If Penny didn't know that Leslie had already turned me down, then that would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought I should ask her, Leslie, out, indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out; but because she did know that I had asked Leslie out, and that she, Leslie, had turned me down, then she, Penny, could be offering me consolation - "That's too bad, you would have made a cute couple..." - while thinking, "good, Leonard remains available."
Sheldon: You're a lucky man, Leonard.
Leonard: How so?
Sheldon: You're talking to one of the three men in the Western Hemisphere capable of following that train of thought.
Leonard: Well, what do you think?
Sheldon: I said I could follow it, I didn't say I cared.
Penny: Leonard, I didn't know you played the cello.
Leonard: Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough.

The Middle-Earth Paradigm [1.06]

[Kurt looking at Sheldon who is dressed as the Doppler Effect]
Kurt: So what are you, a zebra?
Sheldon: [to Leonard] Yet another child left behind.
Leonard: [To Kurt] A Homo habilis just discovering his opposable thumbs says what?
Kurt: [Confused] What?

The Dumpling Paradox [1.07]

Leonard: [seeing Sheldon trying to sit on the couch where Penny's head is] What are you doing?
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter-cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America, and watched Doctor Who.
Leonard: Penny's still sleeping.
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal…
Leonard: You have a TV in your room. Why don't you just have breakfast in bed?
Sheldon: Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother's Day.
Leonard: Sheldon, think this through. You're going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.
Sheldon: No, I'm going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapons systems.
Leonard: You're right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact.
Sheldon: My point.
Kristie: [yelling at Mrs. Wolowitz] I'm, just saying you could take the plastic off of the couch!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Why? So you and Howard can hump on it?
Howard: Ladies, there's obviously a solution-
Kristie and Mrs. Wolowitz: (in unison) Shut up, Howard!!
Howard: Okay, I'll just go take my scooter out for a run. [opens the door to see Leonard and the others waiting for him] What are you guys doing here?
Sheldon: It's "Halo" Night.
Mrs. Wolowitz: [back inside] Why don't you stop meddling where you don't belong, you gold digger?
Kristie: What'd you call me?
Mrs. Wolowitz: You heard me, and I'll you what else: you're barking up the wrong tree, because as long as you're around, Howard is out of the will.
Kristie: You know what? I have better offers. I'm out of here! [storms away off-screen]
Mrs. Wolowitz: That's right, go back to Babylon, you whore!
Howard: So, "Halo" Night? [everyone else leaves]
Raj: I thought she [Kristie] was the whore of Omaha.

The Grasshopper Experiment [1.08]

Sheldon: I'll have a Diet Coke.
Penny: OK, will you please order a cocktail? I need to practice mixing drinks.
Sheldon: Fine, I'll have a virgin Cuba Libre.
Penny: That's, um, Rum and Coke without the rum.
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: So, Coke.
Sheldon: Yes. And would you make it Diet?
Penny: [sighs] There's a can in the fridge.
Sheldon: A Cuba Libre generally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.
Penny: Then swim to Cuba.
Sheldon: Bartenders are supposed to have people skills.
[Sheldon is singing "L'Chaim" at Penny's bar]
Leonard: I don't believe it. What's gotten into him?
Penny: [holding up a bottle of Bacardi] Oh, a couple of virgin Cuba Libres who turned out to be kinda slutty.
Leonard: [excited] You didn't!?
Penny: Hey, you do your little experiments, I do mine.

The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization [1.09]

Leonard: Are there any other honors that I've gotten that I don't know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?
Sheldon: Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize is the day I begin my research on the drag coefficient of tassels on flying carpets.
Raj: The only thing missing from that insult was yo mama!
Howard: I got one. Hey Leonard, yo mama's research methodology's so flawed...
Leonard: Shut up Howard! Sheldon, we have to do this.
Sheldon: No we don't. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is optional.
Penny: So, you know, isn't there maybe some way you and Sheldon could compromise on this whole presentation thing?
Leonard: No. Scientists do not compromise. Our minds are trained to synthesize facts and come to inarguable conclusions. Not to mention Sheldon is bat-crap crazy.

The Loobenfeld Decay [1.10]

Sheldon: I'm uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.
Leonard: What was I supposed to say?
Sheldon: You could have told her the truth.
Leonard: That would have hurt her feelings.
Sheldon: Is that a relevant factor?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.
Leonard: And what would I have said afterwards?
Sheldon: I would suggest something to the effect of, "Singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I'd recommend you have a CAT scan to look for a tumor pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain.
Leonard: I couldn't say that. I would have to say, "You were terrific and I can't wait to hear you sing again."
Sheldon: Why?
Leonard: That's the social protocol. It's what you do when you have a friend who's proud of something they really suck at.
Sheldon: I was not aware of that.
Leonard: Now you are.
Sheldon: Oh. All right. Leonard?
Leonard: Yes?
Sheldon: When we played chess earlier, you were terrific, and I can't wait to play you again.
Sheldon: I was analyzing our lie, and I believe we're in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.
Leonard: How?
Sheldon: Simple: If she were to log onto www dot socalphysicsgroup dot org forward slash activities forward slash other, click on "Upcoming Events", scroll down to "Seminars", download the PDF schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire.

The Pancake Batter Anomaly [1.11]

Sheldon: Checkmate.
Leonard: Argh, again?
Sheldon: Obviously you're not well-suited for three-dimensional chess. Perhaps three-dimensional Candyland would be more your speed.
Sheldon: Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn't speak any English. When I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said, "Möchtest du eine Darmspülung?"
Penny: What does that mean?
Sheldon: Based on what happened next, I assume it means, "Would you like an enema?"

The Jerusalem Duality [1.12]

Sheldon: 15 years old—Dennis Kim is 15 years old, and he's already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to—you know—that other guy.
Howard: Antonio Salieri.
Sheldon: Oh, God, now even you're smarter than me.
Sheldon: Engineering—where the semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello Oompa-Loompas of science.

The Bat Jar Conjecture [1.13]

Sheldon: At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team, and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.
Leonard: Thanks for the heads up.
Sheldon: You're welcome. [starts to leave] One more thing.
Leonard: Yes?
Sheldon: It's on, bitch.
Leslie: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: [looks terrified] Leslie Winkle!
Leslie: Yeah, Leslie Winkle! The answer to the question, "Who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?".
Sheldon: Yes, well, I'm polymerized tree sap and you're an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory and adheres to you.
Leslie: [sarcastically] Ooooh...ouch.

The Nerdvana Annihilation [1.14]

Leonard: [about the time machine] The lights flash, and the dish spins. You wanna try it?
Penny: No, I don't wanna try it! My God, you are grown men! How could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes, and comic books, and-and... now that-that...
Sheldon: Again—time machine.
Penny: Oh, please, that's not a time machine. If anything, it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.
Sheldon: It only moves in time. It would be less than worthless in a swamp.
Penny: Pathetic! ALL of you, COMPLETELY pathetic!
Penny: [to Leonard] Look, you are a great guy, and it is the things you love that make you who you are.
Howard: I guess that makes me large breasts..

The Pork Chop Indeterminacy [1.15]

Leonard: So, how do you two know each other?
Missy: Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head.
Leonard: Excuse me?
Sheldon: She's my twin sister. She thinks she's funny, but frankly, I've never been able to see it.
Missy: That's because you have no measurable sense of humor, Shelly.
Sheldon: How exactly would one measure a sense of humor? A 'humormometer'?
[Missy is leaving and Sheldon is saying goodbye to her.]
Sheldon: OK, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. [Puts his hand out for her to shake]
Missy: Come on Shelly. [Gives him a hug, which Sheldon does as well.]
Missy: I want you to know I'm very proud of you.
Sheldon: Really?
Missy: Yep. I'm always bragging to my friends about my brother, the Rocket Scientist.
[Sheldon looks in disbelief.]
Sheldon: You tell people I'm a Rocket Scientist?!
Missy: Well yeah.
Sheldon: I'm a theoretical physicist.
Missy: What's the difference?
Sheldon: What's the difference?!
Missy: Goodbye, Shelly.
Sheldon: My God! Why don't you just tell them I'm a toll taker at the Golden Gate Bridge! Rocket Scientist, how humiliating!

The Peanut Reaction [1.16]

Leonard: My parents focused on celebrating achievements, and my being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
Penny: That's so silly.
Sheldon: It's actually based on very sound theories; his mother published a paper on it.
Penny: What was it called, I Hate My Son and That's Why He Can't Have Cake?
Sheldon: It was obviously very effective. Leonard grew up to become an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.
Leonard: Thank you.
Howard: Well, I love birthdays: waking up to mom's special French Toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends...
Penny: Yeah! See? That's what kids should have!
Howard: Actually, that was last year...
Penny: [on phone] How about this: you keep him there a little longer, and when you get to the party, I'll point out which of my friends are easy.
Howard: [long pause] Don't toy with me, woman.
Penny: I've got a hot former fat girl with no self-esteem, I got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around, and an alcoholic who's two tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat.
Howard: Thy will be done. [Hangs up, takes out granola bar with peanuts, to which he is allergic, and looks to his crotch] I'm doing this for you, little buddy.

The Tangerine Factor [1.17]

Leonard [while Howard is teaching Sheldon Mandarin] Why are you learning Chinese?
Sheldon: I believe the Szechuan Palace has been passing off Orange Chicken as Tangerine Chicken, and I intend to confront them.
Leonard: If I were you, I'd be more concerned about what they're passing off as chicken.
[Penny comes in with an iPod in her hand.]
Penny: I need to use your window.
Leonard: Oh yeah, sure. Go ahead.
Penny: [opening the window and throwing the iPod out of it] Hey, jerkface! You forgot your iPod!
Leonard: [as Penny closes the window and starts to leave] What's going on?
Penny: Oh, I'll tell you what's going on: that stupid, self-centered bastard [her ex-boyfriend] wrote about our sex life in his blog! [going back to the window and reopening it] Drop dead, you stupid, self-centered bastard! [closing the window] Thank you. [leaves]
Sheldon: [after a short pause, wanting to go back to the Mandarin lessons] Okay, where were we?
Howard: [going to the computer] Not now. I have a blog to find.
[While Sheldon is listening to a tape, Penny comes from behind and touches his shoulder, which scares him.]
Penny: Sorry, Sheldon. Do you have a second?
Sheldon: A second what? Pair of underwear?

Season 2

The Bad Fish Paradigm [2.01]

Penny: Has Leonard ever dated any regular girls?
Sheldon: Well, I assume that you're not talking about digestive regularity, because I've come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate.
Penny: No, I mean has he ever dated someone who wasn't a brainiac?
Sheldon: Oh, well there was this one girl who had a PhD in French Literature.
Penny: How is that not a brainiac?
Sheldon: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.
Raj: We just got back from that exhibit of those plasticized cadavers.
Howard: Some of those skinless chicks were hot.
Sheldon: If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pack.
Howard: That’s kind of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.
Leonard: It’s not you, Howard. He says he’s moving out.
Raj: What did you do? Did you change the contrast or brightness settings on the television?
Leonard: No.
Raj: Did you take a Band-Aid off in front of him?
Leonard: No.
Howard: Did you buy generic ketchup? Forget to rinse the sink? Talk to him through the bathroom door?
Raj: Adjust the thermostat? Cook with cilantro? Pronounce the ‘T’ in often?
Leonard: No.
Howard: Did you make fun of trains?
Leonard: I didn’t do anything, he’s just gone insane.
Howard: Well, we all knew this day was coming.
[Sheldon reappears with his bag packed]
Leonard: That was fast.
Sheldon: It’s my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. It's recommended by the Department of Homeland Security. And Sarah Connor.

The Codpiece Topology [2.02]

Howard: Renaissance fairs aren't about historical accuracy. They're about taking chubby girls who work at Kinko's and lacing them up in corsets so tight, their bosom jumps out and says "Howdy."
Sheldon: Bosoms would not have said "howdy" in the 15th century. If anything, they would have said "huzzah!"
Howard: I don't care what the bosoms say, Sheldon. I just want to be part of the conversation.
Sheldon: Leonard is upstairs right now with my archenemy.
Penny: Your archenemy?
Sheldon: Yes: the Dr. Doom to my Mr. Fantastic, the Dr. Octopus to my Spider-Man, the Dr. Sivana to my Captain Marvel...
Penny: OK, I get it, I get it...
Sheldon: You know, it's amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate schools should do a better job of screening those people out.

The Barbarian Sublimation [2.03]

[Penny sneaks into Sheldon's room while he is asleep]
Penny: [whispering] Sheldon!
[She walks up to his bed]
Penny: [whispering] Sheldon.
Sheldon: [Jerking awake] Danger! Danger!
Penny: Sheldon, it's me.
Sheldon: You're in my bedroom.
Penny: I need your help.
Sheldon: People can't be in my bedroom.
Penny: Well, can we talk in the living room?
Sheldon: I'm not wearing any pajama bottoms.
Penny: Well, why not?
Sheldon: I spilled grape juice.
Penny: Well, can't you put on other pajamas?
Sheldon: I can't put on other pajamas, these are my Monday pajamas! Penny, people aren't supposed to be in my bedroom!
Sheldon: Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She's interfering with my sleep, she's interfering with my work...and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I'm sure she'd be interfering with that, too.
Leonard: Why should I do something? You're the one who introduced her to online gaming.
Sheldon: Yes, but you're the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you'd simply restrained yourself, none of this would be happening.
Leonard: Why don't you just tell her to leave you alone?
Sheldon: I did! I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic Twitter, I even changed my Facebook status to "Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone"! I don't know what else to do!
Leonard: Well, what am I supposed to to?
Sheldon: I don't know, but if you don't figure something out, I warn you, I shall become very difficult to live with!
Leonard: You mean up until now we've been experiencing the happy, fun-time Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: I'll go talk to her!

The Griffin Equivalency [2.04]

Gablehauser: Hello, boys.
Raj: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr. Koothrappali.
Leonard: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr. Hofstadter.
Sheldon: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr. Cooper.
Howard: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Mr. Wolowitz
Gablehauser: [talking about Koothrappali's picture in People magazine] And this boy's picture in People magazine is gonna raise us a pile of money taller than…well, taller than you. [pats Howard on the head]
Howard: I have a Master's Degree.
Gablehauser: Who doesn't?

The Euclid Alternative [2.05]

[Sheldon is trying Howard's driving simulator - with disastrous results]
Leonard: How did you manage to get on the second floor of the Glendale Galleria?
Sheldon: I don't know, I was on the Pasadena Freeway, missed my exit, flew off the overpass and...one thing led to another.
[Screeching tires are heard from the simulator, followed by a crash and barking and meowing]
Leonard: Awwwwww, the pet store…
Sheldon: Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software, it's amazingly detailed.
Penny: You know, I gotta ask; why didn't you just get a license at 16 like everybody else?
Sheldon: I was otherwise engaged.
Penny: Doing what?
Sheldon: Examining perturbative amplitudes in N = 4 Supersymmetric Theories, leading to a re-examination of the ultraviolet properties of Multi-loop N = 8 Supergravity using modern Twistor Theory.
Penny: Well, how about when you were 17?

The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem [2.06]

Sheldon: Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I, too, was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was 14, and I had already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to despite my 9:00 bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although it's more likely that you'll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make papier-mâché volcanoes with baking soda lava.
Leonard: Oh, good God.
Sheldon: In short, anyone who told you that you would someday be able to make some significant contribution to physics played a cruel trick on you, a cruel trick indeed. Any questions? [No one in the classroom says anything] Of course not. I weep for the future of science; now if you'll excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out. Come, Leonard. [leaves]
Leonard: [referring to his earlier failed experiment] Laser demonstration's looking pretty good now, huh?
Penny: I know this is none of my business, but I just... I have to ask — what's Sheldon's deal?
Leonard: What do you mean, "deal"?
Penny: You know, like, what's his deal? Is it girls…? Guys…? Sock puppets…?
Leonard: Honestly, we've been operating under the assumption that he has no deal.
Penny: Come on, everybody has a deal.
Howard: Not Sheldon. Over the years we've formulated a number of theories about how he might reproduce. I'm an advocate of mitosis.
Penny: I'm sorry?
Howard: I believe one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons.
Leonard: On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species and someday he'll spin a cocoon and emerge two months later with moth wings and an exoskeleton.
Penny: Okay, well, thanks for the nightmares.

The Panty Piñata Polarization [2.07]

[the guys are playing Klingon Boggle]
Howard: I have "chor" [Klingon for "belly"]
Sheldon & Raj: Got it.
Howard: "neHmaH" [Klingon for "neutral zone"]
Sheldon & Raj: Yep.
Howard: And "Kreplach".
Raj: Hold on a second, "Kreplach"?
Howard: Yeah.
Raj: That isn't Klingon, it's Yiddish for a meat-filled dumpling!
Howard: Well, as it turns out, it's also a Klingon word.
Leonard: Really? Define it.
Howard: Kreplach: a hearty, Klingon…dumpling.
Raj: Judge's ruling?
Sheldon: [makes thumbs-down gesture] bIlughbe' [Klingon for "you are not right"]
Raj: We now have the address of the [America's Next] Top Model house.
Howard: God bless you, Google Street View—registered trademark.
Leonard: Okay, for the record, what you guys are doing is really creepy.
Howard: You know what? If it's creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I'm creepy.

The Lizard-Spock Expansion [2.08]

Sheldon: Oh, look! Saturn 3 is on.
Raj: I don't want to watch Saturn 3. Deep Space 9 is better.
Sheldon: How is Deep Space 9 better than Saturn 3?
Raj: Simple subtraction will tell you it's six better.
Leonard: Compromise. Watch Babylon 5.
Sheldon: In what sense is that a compromise?
Leonard: Well, 5 is partway between 3 and…never mind.
Raj: I'll tell you what. How about we go 'Rock-Paper-Scissors'?
Sheldon: Ooh, I don't think so. Anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of 'Rock-Paper-Scissors', players familiar with each other will tie 75-80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest 'Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock'.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: It's very simple. Look -- Scissors cuts Paper, Paper covers Rock. Rock crushes Lizard, Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes Scissors, Scissors decapitates Lizard. Lizard eats Paper, Paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, Rock crushes Scissors.
Raj: …Okay. I think I got it.
Sheldon & Raj: Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock! [both play Spock and groan in frustration]
Sheldon: I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.
Leonard: Well, I wanna watch it now.
Sheldon: Then I believe we've arrived at another quintissential 'Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock' moment.
[Sheldon holds up his fist in preparation to play]
Leonard: Watch whatever you want. [gives Sheldon the remote]
Raj: I saw what you did there.
Sheldon: [confused] What'd I do?

The White Asparagus Triangulation [2.09]

Sheldon: [knock-knock-knock] Leonard! [knock-knock-knock] Leonard! [knock-knock-knock] Leonard!
Leonard: What Sheldon? What Sheldon? What Sheldon?
Sheldon: Tell me what you see here. [points to his laptop screen]
Leonard: The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?
Sheldon: This is Stephanie's Facebook page. Now where it should say "in a relationship", what does it say?
Leonard: Stephanie Barnett is single.
Sheldon: Furthermore, earlier this evening, she threw a digital sheep at some guy named Mike. Who's Mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you?
Leonard: It's just her Facebook page! And we've only been going out a couple of weeks.
Sheldon: You don't see it, do you? We're losing her.
Leonard: OK, I'm going to make this very simple for you. You…are not in this relationship. I…am! Ergo, you have noooo say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie.
Sheldon: I'm afraid I can't allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104, Section A, you are deemed unfit, and I hereby relieve you of your command.
Leonard: General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.
Sheldon: Give me one good reason why not.
Leonard: Because this is not Star Trek!
[Sheldon is discussing Leonard's failed relationships with Penny]
Sheldon: So what is the "down" and the "low", and don't worry, this is all entirely confidential, so you feel free to include any and all shortcomings in the bedroom.
Penny: We never got to the bedroom.
Sheldon: Because...?
Penny: OK, all right, you know what? I'll tell you what happened. We were young, we were very much in love, but we could only communicate through a time-traveling mailbox at my lake house.
Sheldon: It's not enough that you made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?!

The Vartabedian Conundrum [2.10]

Sheldon: Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night?
Leonard: Oh come on! Sheldon, we don’t ask questions like that.
Sheldon: I heard you ask it over and over! How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?
Stephanie: He did very nicely.
Sheldon See? She’s not offended. And now you finally have an answer.
Leonard: Some mornings, I'll just mosey down to the third floor in my pajamas and have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
Sheldon: Really? I've never once been invited to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
Leonard: She doesn't like you.

[later]

Sheldon: What could I have possibly done to insult Mrs. Vartabedian?

The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis [2.11]

Leonard: I have just one question for you. While I am perfectly happy with the way things are between us, you said that you didn't want to go out with me because I was too smart for you. Well, newsflash, Lady. David Underhill is ten times smarter than me. You'd have to drive a railroad spike in his brain for me to beat him at checkers. Next to him, I am like one of those sign-language gorillas who knows how to ask for grapes. So my question is, what's up with that?
Penny: [crying] Why are you yelling at me?
Leonard: Sorry! I'm sorry sorry. Never mind. We're cool.
Penny: Dave is not smarter than you. He's an idiot.
Leonard: [chuckling] Really? Why would you say that?
Penny: Because. A smart guy takes the nude photos of his wife off his cell phone before he tries to take nude photos of his girlfriend.
Leonard: He tried to take nude photos of you?
Penny: [screaming] That's what you took from that?! The guy is married!
Leonard: Oh yeah. I'm sorr…oh, that's terrible!
[Penny knocks on the door]
Penny: Merry Christmas!
Leonard: Merry Christmas!
Penny: How's your leg?
Leonard: Very good. Thanks for asking. Come on in.
Sheldon: Oh good, Penny, you're here to exchange gifts. You'll be pleased to know that I'm prepared for whatever you have to offer.
Penny: [handing Sheldon his present] Ok, here.
Sheldon: Hmmm. [starts to open his present] I should note, I'm having some digestive distress, [Leonard shakes his head no] so if I excuse myself abruptly, don't be alarmed. [completes opening his present] Oh! A napkin.
Penny: Turn it over!
Sheldon: [becomes weak at the knees and has to sit down as he reads] "To Sheldon. Live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy."
Penny: He came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin's dirty, he wiped his mouth with it.
Sheldon: [gasps] I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?!
Penny: Well…yeah, I guess. But look, he signed it!
Sheldon: [visibly shaking] Do you realize what this means?!?! All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!
Penny: Okay, all I'm giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.

The Killer Robot Instability [2.12]

Sheldon: [trash talking to Barry Kripke] Kripke. Your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I'm given to understand that your mother is overweight.
Raj: Oh, snap.
Sheldon: Now of course if that is a result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment.
Raj: What difference does it make, fat is fat!
Sheldon: There are boundaries!
Leonard: Barry, we can't fight you tomorrow. Our engineer is incapacitated.
Barry: What's wrong with him?
Raj: He's depressed, because he's pathetic and creepy and can't get girls.
Barry: We're all pathetic and cweepy and can't get girls. That's why we fight wobots. If you're not there, you'll be exposed to widicule.
Raj: [addressing Barry's rhotacism] I'm curious, what part of America is that accent from?

The Friendship Algorithm [2.13]

Raj: Gentlemen, I put it to you: the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavor.
Sheldon: First off, that's axiomatically wrong, because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant -
Howard: [deliberately interrupting him] Hey, I'm thinking of growing a moustache.
Leonard: [playing along] Aaah… No kidding. Fu Manchu? A Handlebar? Pencil?
Sheldon: [desperately] It's extracted from the plant -
Howard: I'm not sure yet. You know. George Clooney has one.
Raj: Really? I once saw him at Ralph's. He was buying tequila.
Howard: Oh. You'd think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.
[They look at Sheldon, who is crinkling his lips in frustration]
Leonard: [smiling] Alright. This is cruel. We'd better let him finish before his head explodes.
Howard: Alright, Sheldon, why is tapioca - ?
Sheldon: [very quickly, in a rambling manner] Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot Esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide, it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly! [takes a drink of water]
Raj: Feel better now?
Sheldon: [continuing] It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the cocoa bean from which we get chocolate, the best pudding, and you [Leonard] promised you wouldn't do that anymore!
Penny: What about Howard and Raj, how did [Sheldon] become friends with them?
Leonard: I don't know...how do carbon atoms form a benzene ring? Proximity and valence electrons.
Penny: Well yeah sure, when you put it that way.

The Financial Permeability [2.14]

Sheldon: I see no large upcoming expenditures, unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with Adamantium like Wolverine.
Penny: Are they working on that?
Sheldon: I sincerely hope so.
Leonard: [to Sheldon, Howard, and Raj, who have come to assist him in getting money that Penny's ex-boyfriend owes her] Okay, is everyone clear on the plan?
Howard: Yes. Koothrapalli's going to wet himself, I'm going to throw up, Sheldon's going to run away, and you're going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?
Leonard: Excuse me, there are four of us and one of him.
Sheldon: Which means his triumph will be even larger. Minstrels will write songs about him.

The Maternal Capacitance [2.15]

Sheldon: [about Leonard] My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an overdeveloped sex drive.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, I don't know where he would have gotten that. Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction.
Sheldon: That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.
Beverly: Yes, we think so. We've both done papers on it. Mine from a neuroscientific point of view and his from an anthropological. Mine, of course, was the only one worth reading.
Sheldon: Of course. I would very much like to read about your sex life.
Beverly: Well, it's all online, or you can order it from the Princeton University press.
Leonard: Here is your tea, mother. So, what are you guys talking about?
Sheldon: The frequency with which your parents had intercourse.
Leonard: Swell. If you are lucky maybe she'll show you the PowerPoint presentation.
[Sheldon looks thrilled]
Beverly: I'm sorry, it's on my other laptop.
Sheldon: Awwww…
Leonard: [attempting to get back at Howard and Raj, who were asking Beverly to talk about Leonard's more successful siblings] Howard lives with his mother, and Raj can't speak to women unless he's drunk. Go!
Beverly: Oh, that's fascinating. Selective mutism is quite rare. On the other hand, an adult Jewish male living with his mother is so common, it borders on sociological cliché.
Howard: It's just temporary. I pay rent.
Leonard: He lives in the same room where his bassinet was.
Beverly: You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one's mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.
Howard: Say what?

The Cushion Saturation [2.16]

Sheldon: That is my spot. In an ever-changing world it is a simple point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function in a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, at the moment I first sat on it, would be [0,0,0,0].
Leonard: Do you know what baffles me, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Based on your academic record, a number of things, I would imagine.

The Terminator Decoupling [2.17]

Howard: [about Summer Glau] I have eleven hours with her in a confined space. Unless she's willing to jump off a moving train and tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.
Leonard: [short pause] My money's on tuck and roll.
Howard: Unlike you, I can actually talk to women when I'm sober.
Raj: You fail to take into account that even mute, I am foreign and exotic, while you, on the other hand, are frail and pasty.
Howard: Well, you know the old saying. 'Pasty and frail…never fail.'

The Work Song Nanocluster [2.18]

Howard: Hey! You know what'd be a great idea: we get some girls over here and play laser-obstacle-strip-chess…
Leonard: Believe me, Howard, any girl who would be willing to play that, you don't want to see naked.
Howard: You underestimate me.
Sheldon: I'm a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.
Penny: Who's Radiohead?
Sheldon: [after twitching for a moment] I have a working knowledge of the important things.

The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition [2.19]

Sheldon: You hear about this on TV, but you never think it will happen to you.
Leonard: So they steamed your dumplings; get over it! New topic, please!
Howard: All right, Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today.
Penny: Not with a thousand condoms, Howard.
Howard: So there is a number?
Penny: Okay, new topic, please.
[Upon hearing that Leonard, Wolowitz, and Raj are upstairs in the new girl's apartment]
Penny: Typical.
Sheldon: It's axiomatically atypical. Up until recently they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters with her in her previous location. They never went upstairs to visit the former tenants. So your characterization of their behavior as typical is demonstrably fallacious.
Penny: [referring to his earlier impersonation of Admiral Ackbar] OK, now I see the squid head.

The Hofstadter Isotope [2.20]

Sheldon: Did you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode?
Leonard: Apparently so.
Sheldon: Are you ill?
Leonard: I just wanna know why Penny is more interested in Stuart than me. We're practically the same guy!
Sheldon: Oh, I disagree. Stuart is taller, artistic, self-employed, and most significantly, he gets 45% off comic books.
Leonard: When did you get to that conclusion?
Sheldon: A moment ago when you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode.
Leonard: I thought you said you were good at this! You're always talking about how you go to bars and meet women!
Howard: I do, all the time!
Leonard: Well what happened? We've been sitting here all night and the longest conversation you had was when your mom called.
Howard: Wow, you're just gonna make me come out and say it aren't you?
Leonard: Say what?
Howard: You're weighing me down! I'm a falcon who hunts better solo.
Leonard: Fine, I'll sit here, you take flight and hunt.
Howard: Don't be ridiculous, you can't just tell a falcon when to hunt!
Leonard: Actually, you can. There's a whole sport built around it. FALCONRY!
Howard: Shut up.

The Vegas Renormalization [2.21]

Sheldon: You know… I’m given to understand that there’s an entire city in Nevada… designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems… and replace them with new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases.
Raj: Is it me…or is that Sheldon’s way of saying “Vegas Baby”?
Sheldon: What exactly does that expression mean, "friends with benefits"? Does he provide her with health insurance?

The Classified Materials Turbulence [2.22]

Sheldon: [after Leonard refuses to check a message from Stuart, assuming it's about Penny] You have to check your messages, Leonard! The leaving of a message is one half of a social contract which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy!
Leonard: It must be hell inside your head.
Sheldon: [pause] At times.
Stuart: Sheldon, here is the new edition of Hellboy. It's mind blowing.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Spoiler alert!
Stuart: What?
Sheldon: You told me "it's mind blowing". So my mind goes into it "pre-blown". Once your mind is "pre-blown", it cannot be "re-blown".
Stuart: [bewildered] I'm sorry.
Sheldon: Said the Grinch to Christmas.

The Monopolar Expedition [2.23]

Howard: You guys are seriously considering this [going to the North Pole with Sheldon]?
Leonard: Yes!
Howard: [incredulous] And you think you can put up with Sheldon?
Raj: Well, I'm a Hindu. My religion teaches that if we suffer in this life, we are rewarded in the next. Three months at the North Pole with Sheldon and I'm reborn as a well-hung billionaire with wings!
[After Leonard asks why Penny gave him an unusually long hug]
Penny: Leonard, I don't know what to tell you; it was just a hug.
Leonard: Glad we cleared that up.
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: I guess I'll see you.
Penny: OK, have a safe trip.
Leonard: Thank you. Bye.
Penny: Bye. [closes her door and sighs] It means I wish you weren't going.

Season 3

The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation [3.01]

Sheldon: No, Mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I'm home safe does not prove that it worked. That logic is post hoc, ergo propter hoc. [lowers his voice] No, I'm not sassing you in Eskimo talk.
Sheldon: What are they doing here?
Leonard: We came to apologize again and bring you home. So why don't you pack up your stuff, and we'll head back?
Sheldon: No, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over, and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists.
Mrs. Cooper: You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone's entitled to their opinion.
Sheldon: Evolution isn't an opinion, it's fact.
Mrs. Cooper: And that is your opinion.
Sheldon: [to the guys] I forgive you, let's go home.
[Sheldon leaves to pack]
Mrs. Cooper: [smiling] Don't tell me prayer doesn't work.

The Jiminy Conjecture [3.02]

[After the guys hear a cricket and Sheldon says its a snowy tree cricket based on the chirps]
Howard: I am willing to bet anything, that's an ordinary field cricket.
Sheldon: I can't take your money.
Howard: What's the matter? You chicken?
Sheldon: I've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.
Raj: Chickens can't climb trees.
Sheldon: Thank God.
Howard: [checking an encyclopedia] Right here. See it? The common field cricket, a.k.a. Gryllus assimilis, which is Latin for "Suck it. You lose."
Sheldon: Hang on. [Finds another page] Voila. The Snowy Tree Cricket, a.k.a. Oecanthus fultoni, which is Latin for "I'll suck nothing." Of course I'm joking because the Latin for that is Nihil exsorbibo.

The Gothowitz Deviation [3.03]

Sheldon: Penny, while I subscribe to the "Many Worlds" theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.
Penny: Are you fun in any of them?
Sheldon: The math would suggest that in a few of them I'm a clown made of candy, but I don't dance.
[after several scenes where Penny does something of which Sheldon approves, and gets a piece of chocolate in return]
Leonard: OK. I see what you're doing.
Sheldon: Really.
Leonard: Yes. You're using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behavior.
Sheldon: Very good! Chocolate? [while offering the box to Leonard]
Leonard: No! [moves away]

The Pirate Solution [3.04]

Leonard: I've always been a little confused about this -- why don't Hindus eat beef?
Raj: We believe cows are gods.
Sheldon: Not technically. In Hinduism cattle are thought to be like gods.
Raj: Do not tell me about my own culture Sheldon! In the mood I'm in, I'll take you out, I swear to cow!
Raj: [After Sheldon offers him a job] Please don't take this the wrong way, but I would rather swim butt-naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple, and then die a slow agonizing death from viral infection, than work with you.
Sheldon: For me.

The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary [3.05]

[Howard's phone rings]
Howard: Damn, it's my mother.
Bernadette: Are you going answer it?
Howard: I'm torn. She might be dying. I wouldn't want to miss that. On the other hand, if I let it go to voicemail, I could play it over and over.
Bernadette: I know how you feel. My mother makes me crazy.
Howard: Not as crazy as my mother makes me.
Bernadette: Oh, yeah, does your mother call you every day at work to see if you've had a healthy lunch?
Howard: My mother calls me at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.
Bernadette: Okay, well, does she lay out your clothes for you in the morning like you're 9 years old?
Howard: You live with your mother?
Bernadette: No. That's the sad part.
Howard: Okay, check this out: my mother made me wear rubber gloves to kindergarten so I wouldn't pick up a disease from the other children.
Bernadette: That's nothing! I couldn't ride a bicycle because my mother was afraid I'd hit a bump and lose my virginity.
Howard: Oh, wow. You didn't, did you?
Bernadette: Not on a bicycle. In a Camry. [short pause]
Howard: Corolla! More wine?
Bernadette: I'd love some!
Howard: Listen, you have to come to Shabbat dinner at my house sometime.
Bernadette: Why?
Howard: Well, a Catholic girl like you, wearing a big cross like that, might just give my mother the big brain aneurysm I've been hoping for.
Bernadette: Okay. But only if you come to Sunday dinner at my house wearing a yarmulke.
Howard: It's a date.
Penny: [aside to Leonard] Am I a matchmaker or what?
Sheldon: [after winning a card game match in a tournament] Now fetch me Wil Wheaton! [he looks at where Wil Wheaton and Stuart are playing their own match] bortaS bIr jablu’DI’ reH QaQqu’ nay’
Wil Wheaton: Did that guy just say 'Revenge is a dish best served cold' in Klingon?
Stuart: I believe so.
Wil Wheaton: What is wrong with him?
Stuart: Everyone has a different theory.

The Cornhusker Vortex [3.06]

Sheldon: Alright, Poindexter, sit down, shut up, and listen.
Leonard: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: Oh, that's how my father always began our football conversations, and if you'd like, after the game I'll take you outside and teach you to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself.
Leonard: [watching football on TV] I think I'm starting to get this.
Raj: Really? The only thing I've learned in the last two hours is that American men love drinking beer, pee too often, and have trouble getting erections.
Leonard: Focus on the game, not the commercials, Raj.
Raj: I'm just saying, maybe if people cut back on the beer, you could get out of the bathroom and satisfy your women without pharmaceutical help.

The Guitarist Amplification [3.07]

[Howard and Raj are fighting. Eventually, Sheldon loses his cool]
Sheldon: Stop it both of you! All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents! "Damn it, George, I told you if you didn't quit drinkin', I'd leave you!"
"Well, I guess that makes you a liar, 'cause I'm drunk as hell and you're still here!"
"Stop yelling! You're making Sheldon cry!"
"I'll tell you what's making Sheldon cry! That I let you name him Sheldon!" [Sheldon storms out]
Howard: Boy, what got him so upset?
Raj: Oh, sure, you can tell when Sheldon's upset.
Penny: Come on Sheldon, let's go home - we're done fighting.
Sheldon: I've heard that before. Then the next thing you know I'm hiding in my bedroom blaring a Richard Feynman lecture while my mom is shouting that "Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad's meatloaf." And my dad's on the roof skeet shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.
Penny: There's gonna be no more shouting and no skeet shooting.
Sheldon: Really? Where's your friend Justin going to sleep?
Leonard: Yeah, where's he gonna sleep?
Penny: Oh, my God, would you let this go?!
Stuart: [walking by] I'd let it go.
Leonard: Why do I have to let it go, why can't you just tell the guy to find another place to sleep?! [Sheldon turns on a toy robot to drown out the arguing] Oh, for God's sakes! [turns off the robot] So, you have childhood issues - we all have childhood issues. At some point you just need to grow up and get past them.
[Sheldon turns on another robot]
Penny: Leonard, will you just let me handle this, please? [takes robot from Sheldon and turns it off] Sheldon, please, try and understand. Look, Leonard and I are in a relationship, and occasionally, we're gonna fight. But - no matter what happens between us, we'll always love you. Right, Leonard?
Leonard: Always is a long time. [both look at him] Sure, always.
Penny: You know, how 'bout we buy you this robot and we all go home?
Sheldon: I want that one.
Penny: Okay, we'll buy you that one.
Leonard: Ah, come on, he's just gonna play with it twice and then it'll end up in his closet with all the other junk.
Penny: Buy him the robot, Leonard. [Leonard walks off to buy the robot]
Sheldon: Can I get this comic book too?
Penny: [mom-like tone and face] Yes you can. [Sheldon runs off]

The Adhesive Duck Deficiency [3.08]

Sheldon: The 'Check Engine' light is on; we need to find a service station.
Penny: No, the light's been on since I bought the car.
Sheldon: All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes!
Penny: It's not gonna explode, just keep driving. Warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock.
Sheldon: Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise, he was a science officer, and I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise's 'Check Engine' light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately!
Sheldon: According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk, you'll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack but appears well enough to be playing Doodle Jump on his iPhone. [Holding clipboard] We have to fill these out. Describe the illness or injury.
Penny: I dislocated my shoulder.
Sheldon: All right, and how did the accident occur?
Penny: You already know that.
Sheldon: [writing] Cause of accident- lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Kidney disease?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Migraines?
Penny: Getting one.
Sheldon: Are you currently pregnant?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.
Penny: Change migraine to 'yes'.
Sheldon: When was your last menstrual period?
Penny: Oh- Next question!
Sheldon: I'll put 'in progress'. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all behavioural diagnoses e.g. depression, anxiety etcetera.
Penny: Oh my god! What the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder!?
Sheldon: [Writing] Episodes of sub-psychotic rage.
Penny: Ass!
Sheldon: Possible Tourettes.

The Vengeance Formulation [3.09]

Sheldon: [about his appearance on NPR] My mother is very excited. She's convening her Bible study group to listen in and then pray for my soul.
Howard: I just always thought when I finally settle down and do a relationship, it would be with someone... you know... different.
Penny: Different how?
Howard: Well, you know... more like Megan Fox from Transformers or Katee Sackhoff from Battlestar Galactica.
Penny: Are you high?
Leonard: You'd have a better shot with that three-breasted Martian hooker from Total Recall.
Howard: Okay now you're just being unrealistic. Anyway, that movie was like twenty years ago. Imagine how saggy those things would be.

The Gorilla Experiment [3.10]

Sheldon: Why are you crying?
Penny: Because I'm stupid.
Sheldon: Well, that's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.
Sheldon: It's a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC. You've finished your shopping at the local market, or agora... and you look up at the night sky. There you notice some of the stars seem to move, so you name them planetes or wanderer
[Penny puts her hand up]
Sheldon: Yes Penny.
Penny: Um, does this have anything to do with Leonard's work?"
Sheldon: This is the beginning of a 2,600-year journey we're going to take together from the ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr to Erwin Schrodinger to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.
Penny: 2,600 years?
Sheldon: Yeah, give or take. As I was saying: It's a warm summer evening in ancient Greece... Yes, Penny?
Penny: I have to go to the bathroom.
Sheldon: Can't you hold it?
Penny: Not for 2,600 years...
Sheldon: Alright go then.
[Penny goes off and Sheldon goes to his computer]
Sheldon: [voice-over] Project Gorilla: Entry Two. I am exhausted.

The Maternal Congruence [3.11]

Sheldon: I found the Grinch to be a relatable and engaging character, and I was really with him right up the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzzkill that was.
Leonard: When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera and a stolen hat—a crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.
Leonard: (singing) Fa-la-la-la la-la-la-la!
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: [after hugging Leonard] I'm getting a warm feeling across my chest.
Penny: That'll be the Del Taco.
Sheldon: Why is Leonard softly banging his head on his bedroom door?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Speaking of warm feelings, come here! (kisses Sheldon square on the lips) Nah, I'd rather have the busboy.

The Psychic Vortex [3.12]

Leonard: What am I supposed to do, pretend I believe something I don't whenever I'm with Penny?
Howard: Hey I'm sure Penny fakes all kinds of things when she's with you.
Leonard: Do me a favor: lean over and put your head right here [in front of a laser he'd been using to fry action figures].
Howard: Let me show you another way to look at this. [Draws a large box on a dry-erase board] Here we have the universe of all women. [Draws one large circle inside the box] These are the ones you want to sleep with. [Draws an equal-size circle slightly intersecting the first] These are the women who believe exactly what you believe. [Draws a very small circle at bottom of the intersection] These are the women who would be willing to sleep with you. Right there at the little triple intersection is your ideal mate. Odds are she's a short physicist with low self-esteem who lives in a government research facility in China.
Leonard: What's your point? In order to keep having a sexual relationship with Penny, I have to give up everything I believe in, my intellectual integrity, the very nature of who I am? I can't do that, Howard.
Howard: I respect that. [takes Leonard's hand and dots his palm with the marker]
Leonard: What is that?
Howard: Your new girlfriend. Have fun tonight.
Raj: Okay, let's check out the females.
Sheldon: Alright, there's a female.
Raj: That's Professor Wilkinson's wife, she's like 80 years old!
Sheldon: But she's female, isn't that the game?
Raj: No, I'm looking for a hookup.
Sheldon: Oh. So the point of this exercise is to find someone for you to copulate with.
Raj Not so loud, but ideally yes.
Sheldon: And what is my function as wingman?
Raj: You help me run my game.
Sheldon: Alright, and what is your game?
Raj: When I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree.
[Abby walks by and notices Sheldon's lantern]
Abby: Hey that's pretty cool, what is it?
Sheldon: It's a limited addition Green Lantern lantern. My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.
Abby: [laughs] You're very funny, I'm Abby.
Sheldon: I'm Sheldon.
Raj: How do you do? Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali. Call me Raj.
Abby: Hey Raj, where are you from?
Raj: The mysterious, sub-continent of India.
Abby: Ooh, India.
Raj: You know India?
Abby: I saw Slumdog Millionaire.
Raj: Well I'm a slumdog astrophysicist.
Sheldon: I thought your father was a gynecologist? [Raj looks at him] Sorry. [Smiles and nods]
Abby: Hey Martha, come over here. Meet Sheldon and Raj.
Martha: Is that the limited edition Green Lantern lantern?
Sheldon: In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight. [Holds up his ring to the lantern and it lights up.]
Martha: Oh, that is so awesome.
Sheldon: Thank you. [To Raj] Have you chosen one to copulate with?

The Bozeman Reaction [3.13]

[After their apartment has been robbed]
Leonard: What are we supposed to do now?
Sheldon: The only thing we can do. Watch TV on our phones until the criminals return and bludgeon us to death in our sleep.
Sheldon: Oh Lord, they re-did the menu.
Leonard: So what, it's the same food.
Sheldon: Really? Look at this: General Tso's chicken is no longer under specialties. It's now under chicken.
Raj: So?
Sheldon: Yes General Tso.
Raj: Not Tso the chicken, so the question. So?
Sheldon: So? Did the chef loose confidence in himself or the dish. And just look at this, Shrimp with mobster sauce. What is mobster sauce?
Leonard: It's obviously a typo.
Sheldon: Perhaps. Or perhaps this restaurant is now a front for organized crime. For all we know the mobster sauce actually contains chunks of deceased mobsters.
Raj: No, I just think it means it's the kind of sauce mobsters like.
Howard: It doesn't mean anything, it's just a typo!
Leonard: Here's an idea: why don't we go out for pizza?
Sheldon: Good idea. We’ll go to Corleone’s.
Howard: Sure, no mobsters there.

The Einstein Approximation [3.14]

[after Penny and Leonard slipped on marbles that Sheldon has spread across the floor]

Howard: Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?
Sheldon: Same thing I've been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when traveling through a graphene sheet.
Bernadette: With marbles?
Sheldon: I needed something bigger than peas now, didn't I?
Bernadette: Sheldon, when was the last time you got any sleep?
Sheldon: I don't know, two, three days? Not important. I don't need sleep. I need answers. I need to determine where, in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squateth the toad of truth.
Penny: [aside to Leonard] The toad of truth? Is that a physics thing?
Leonard: No, that's a crazy thing.
Bernadette: [making her way to Sheldon] Okay, Sheldon, what happens to our neuro-receptors when we don't get enough REM sleep?
Sheldon: [looks at Bernadette] They lose their sensitivity to seratonin and norepinephrine.
Bernadette: Which leads to…?
Sheldon: Impaired cognitive function.
Bernadette: Right. [firmly, pointing at his bedroom] So march in there, brush your teeth and go to bed!
Sheldon: [in a childish manner] …But I don't wanna go to bed.
Bernadette: [firmly] I'm gonna count to three. One…
Sheldon: [exasperated] Oh, all right! [leaves]
Leonard: [shocked] That was amazing how you handled him.
Bernadette: I know how to deal with stubborn children. My mother used to run an illegal daycare center in our basement.
Penny: [at the restaurant] What are you doing here?
Sheldon: A reasonable question. I asked myself, "What is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable?" and three answers came to mind: tollbooth attendant, Apple Store genius, and what Penny does. Now, since I don't like touching other people's coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word "genius", here I am.
Penny: So that's it? You just walked in and they hired you just like that?
Sheldon: Oh, heavens, no! Since I don't have to be paid, I didn't have to be hired. I just walked in, picked up a tray, and started working for the Man.

The Large Hadron Collision [3.15]

Leonard: [About everyone's Valentines Day plans] Okay, to sum up, one giant marble horse [Howard], one...asinine comment [Sheldon], one lonely man and his chicken [Raj] and that leaves...oh that's right! My plans! [no one responds] Isn't anyone gonna ask?
Raj: Fine, tell us you're gonna have sex with Penny.
Leonard: No, that's not was I was going to say.
Raj: It's okay, I don't mind hearing about your sex life, it's his [Howard's] that bugs me.
Leonard: That's not what I was going to say. Guess who the university is sending to see the Hadron Collider in Switzerland?
Sheldon: Professor Norton, although God knows why. He hasn't published anything in years since he won that Nobel prize.
Leonard: Actually he can't go. He threw his back out rock climbing.
Howard: I heard he threw his back out climbing his new girlfriend.
Raj: The big boobed weather girl from Channel 2?
Howard: That's the one.
Leonard: Anyway, since he can't go, the university is asking me to fill in for him!
Sheldon: In Switzerland or on the big boobed weather girl?
Leonard: [Who is trying to cheer up Sheldon] I have an idea, why don't we play one of your car games.
Sheldon: Alright, this game is called Traitors. I will name three historical figures and you will name them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard: Do you really think I belong with Benedict Arnold and Judas?
Sheldon: You're right. Judas had the courtesy to hang himself after what he did. OK, round two. Leonard Hofstadter, Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch,
Leonard: Rupert Murdoch?
Sheldon: He owns Fox and they canceled Firefly. Hint: he and Darth Vader are tied for number two.

The Excelsior Acquisition [3.16]

Penny: Well, here we are.
Sheldon: Oh my, we're at Stan Lee's front door.
Penny: Yep.
Sheldon: First we were at Stan Lee's curb, than we were at Stan Lee's walk and now we're at Stan Lee's front door. We're going to have milk and cookies with Stan Lee. [Penny rings the doorbell]
Penny: Okay, sweetie I don't know if we're gonna have cookies or he's just gonna say hi so let me do the talking and... [Stan Lee comes out]
Stan Lee: Yeah?
Penny: Are you Stan Lee?
Stan Lee: Aw, crap.
Penny: Hi, I'm Penny and this is my friend Sheldon...
Sheldon: We're not friends at the moment. It depends on how this goes.
Penny: Anyway,Sheldon is a huge fan and he was supposed to be at your signing but he kind of, ended up in jail, so we got your address and...
Stan Lee: Wait, so you just decided to come to my house, uninvited?
Sheldon: You said we were invited.
Penny: No Sheldon, I said, I'm inviting you to come with me to Stan Lee's house.
Stan Lee: You know, you fan boys are unbelievable. You think you can just ring by doorbell anytime you want? [Sarcastically] I mean why don't you just come in and watch the Lakers game with me?
Sheldon: [comes inside] Alright, but I'm not a very much of a sports fan.
[Sheldon comes in the apartment]
Leonard: Hey, where've you been?
Sheldon: I'll tell you where I've been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee, and gotten autographed comics, but I got to see the inside of his house, and got a signed form for a restraining order from him.
Howard: Sweet?
Sheldon: Plus I get to hang out with him again, at the hearing. [Walks off to his room] This will look great next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.

The Precious Fragmentation [3.17]

Penny: Who's Adam West?
Sheldon: "Who's Adam West"!? Leonard, what do the two of you talk about after the coitus?
Howard: My guess is "Hey, four minutes! New record!"
Sheldon: Waterfalls!
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Waterfalls, crashing waves, babbling brooks.
Howard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Subliminal messaging. I'm going to make you want to pee. Dripping faucets, leaky gutter, peeing.
Raj: It's not working, dude.
Sheldon: Oh it's working alright. I have to pee.
Raj: Then let go of the ring and go.
Howard: Well actually I wouldn't mind going either.
Raj: Well on the count of three. 1, 2...
Sheldon: Wait, just to be clear. When we get to three, do we stand up? Or do we pee?
Howard: We stand up.
Sheldon: Excellent choice.

The Pants Alternative [3.18]

Penny: So, what do you say, Sheldon? Are we your X-Men?
Sheldon: No. The X-Men were named for the "X" in Charles Xavier. Since I'm Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.
Howard: Oh, that's not a good name.
Raj: [teaching Sheldon how to calm himself with meditation] OK, Sheldon, imagine the place you feel most at home. Where is that?
Sheldon: Sim City. In particular, the Sim city I designed—Sheldonopolis.
Raj: OK, you're in Sheldonopolis,
Sheldon: Where exactly? Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium, home of the fighting Sheldons?
Raj: Whatever you like.
Sheldon: I thought this was supposed to be a guided meditation.
Raj: Fine, you're in Sheldon Square.
Sheldon: Really? This time of year? It's a bit nippy.
Raj: Then put on a sweater.
Sheldon: I suppose I could run downtown and pick something up at Shel-Mart.
Raj: Yeah, whatever. Just go buy a sweater.
Sheldon: You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it, so I get a 15% discount.
Raj: You own the damn thing. Just take a freaking sweater!
Sheldon: Look, I didn't turn a profit last quarter by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly.
Raj: All right. You've paid for a sweater and you're in Sheldon Square.
Sheldon: Hang on. It's a cardigan. I have to button it. [He does so] Oh no!
Raj: What now?
Sheldon: A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me! If the children can't run leave them behind! Oh, the simulated horror! [Raj leaves and slams the door. Sheldon opens his eyes] Raj? [To himself] Just as I suspected. Meditation is nothing but hokum.

The Wheaton Recurrence [3.19]

Stuart: You guys still on for bowling tonight?
Sheldon: Oh yes. In fact, I've prepared some trash-talk for the occasion. Ahem...You bowl like your momma! [short pause] Unless she bowls well, in which case you bowl nothing like her.
Stuart: Oh...Ouch.
Sheldon: That is what is referred to as a burn on you.
Sheldon: Attention all bowlers! I've taken the liberty of having these made for our rematch! [holds up a bowling shirt that reads "Wesley Crushers"]
Penny: The Wesley Crushers?
Sheldon: No, not the Wesley Crushers, the Wesley Crushers.
Penny: I don't get it.
Leonard: Wesley Crusher was Wil Wheaton's character on Star Trek.
Penny: Still don't get it.
Sheldon: It's a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character's name and adding the S, we imply that we will be the crushers of Wesley.
Penny: OK, I'm sorry honey, but the "Wesley Crushers" sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher.
Sheldon: No! Again, it's not the Wesley Crushers, it's the Wesley Crushers.
Howard: If you wanted to mean you're crushing Wesley, it'd be the Wesley Crushers.
Sheldon: Do you people even hear yourselves? It's not the Wesley Crushers, it's not the Wesley Crushers, it's the Wesley Crushers!
Wil Wheaton: [enters with his bowling team] Hey look! They named their team after me!

The Spaghetti Catalyst [3.20]

Leonard: Hey, where've you been?
Sheldon: I was talking with Penny.
Howard: What's wrong with you? You can't hang out with your roommate's ex. That's totally uncool.
Leonard: No, it's fine. I don't care. I'm over it.
Raj: Yeah, he's over it; that's why he's been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black.
Sheldon: Is he making any progress? Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.
Howard: [to himself] So would Ben Affleck. [to Sheldon] The point is, in a situation like this, you gotta pick sides. You're either on Team Leonard or Team Penny.
Sheldon: Which one picks last?
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Usually, I'm on the team that picks last…unless there's a kid in a wheelchair.
Sheldon: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
Leonard: What do you want?
Sheldon: Maybe this isn't a good time.
Leonard: Tell me what you want or I swear to God I will kill you.
Sheldon: Do you really think death threats are a good way to start this conversation?
Leonard: Alright I'm sorry.
Sheldon: Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.
Leonard: What do you want?
Sheldon: You may wanna sit down.
Leonard: I'm in bed!
Sheldon: Point taken. You may wanna sit up.
Leonard: Just tell me what you want!
Sheldon: I've been seeing Penny behind your back.
Leonard: When you saying seeing Penny, what do you mean?
Sheldon: We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.Well a hot dog. I gave up the other 5 hot dogs to a real dog. A real big dog. A hell hound. There'll be a tangent line at the end, it's not important.
Leonard: Then why did you have Chinese food with us?
Sheldon: Wolowitz made it very clear who's side I should be on. Clearly the male comrade comes before the woman who will sell her body for money.
Leonard: Is it possible that he said bros before hoes?
Sheldon: Yes, but I rephrased to avoid offending the hoes.
Leonard: Sheldon, I don't care if you wanna be friends with Penny.
Sheldon: Really?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: You mean all the emotional distress I've been feeling is essentially useless and in vain.
Leonard: I guess so.
Sheldon: Well as my Meemaw would say, Looks like we butchered a pig but nobody wanted bacon. Oh and as for the tangent line. Sheldon and the hell hound. OR How I lost my hot dogs.

The Plimpton Stimulation [3.21]

Sheldon: I must say, I am shocked by this betrayal.
Leonard: I didn't betray Penny.
Sheldon: Not Penny, me!
Leonard: How am I betraying you?
Sheldon: Elizabeth's my friend, and you're playing with her!
[Storms off to his room]
Leonard: Yeah, I guess I did.
Elizabeth Plimpton: Do you like role-playing games?
Howard: Yeah, sure. In fact, I'm a dungeon master.
Elizabeth: Not tonight. Tonight, you are a delivery man. You brought soup, but, uh-oh, Raj and I don't have enough money to pay you. So we'll have to come to some other kind of arrangement.
Howard: Beg your pardon?
Elizabeth: You two figure out the details, I'm going to change into something I don't mind getting ripped off my milky flesh.
Howard: [after Elizabeth goes into another room] What the frak?
Raj: Go away. She wants New Delhi, not kosher deli. Besides, you have a girlfriend.
Howard: We broke up weeks ago.
Raj: Why didn't you say anything?
Howard: I was waiting for the right time. This is the right time.
Leonard: [arriving] Hey, who's ready for Halo?
Raj: Oh, this is like a nightmare. Get lost!
Howard: He's right. The numbers are shaky enough as it is.
Leonard: I don't understand.
Elizabeth: [peeking head through door] Oh, good. Leonard's here.
Raj: Good?!
Leonard: Elizabeth, what's going on?
Elizabeth: What's going on is you and Howard are my moving men and Raj is my new landlord and I don't have enough money to pay any of you. [goes back inside the room]
Leonard: Is she suggesting what I think she's suggesting?
Howard: Yep! Welcome to the Penthouse Forum.

The Staircase Implementation [3.22]

Sheldon: [reading his standard roommate agreement to new roommate Leonard] "Roommates agree that Friday nights shall be reserved for watching Joss Whedon's brilliant new series Firefly."
Leonard: Does that really need to be in the agreement?
Sheldon: We might as well settle it now; it's gonna be on for years.
Sheldon: Explain the couch.
Leonard: Well, there were some people on the first floor moving out, and they sold it to me for $100. Howard and Raj helped me bring it up.
Sheldon: But what's wrong with the furniture we have?
Leonard: They're lawn chairs. And there was no place for company.
Sheldon: Did it occur to you that was by design?

The Lunar Excitation [3.23]

Zack: Wow, is that the laser? It's bitchin'.
Sheldon: [sarcastically] Yes. In 1917 when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper "Quantentheorie der Strahlung", his fondest hope was that the resultant device be "bitchin'".
Zack: Well, mission accomplished.
[Sheldon looks at him in suprise and confusion]
[at the site for Sheldon's online date]
Amy: Excuse me. I'm Amy Farrah Fowler, you're Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm sorry to inform you that you've been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey upon the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I am being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
Amy: If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.
Sheldon: Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.
Amy: I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.
Sheldon: Well, then you might want to avoid East Texas.
Amy: Noted. Now, before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table.
Sheldon: May I buy you a beverage?
Amy: Tepid water, please.
Howard: [to Raj, seeing their "experiment"] Good God, what have we done?

Season 4

The Robotic Manipulation [4.01]

Penny: Hey, here's another possible topic of conversation. This is a big night for Sheldon. Right, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Big night? The winter solstice is a big night. It's over fourteen hours in Southern California.
Amy: That's an amusing factoid.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: No, no. My point is tonight is Sheldon's first official date. Discuss.
Amy: Is this true?
Sheldon: Apparently, a semi-incestuous Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown didn't count.
Penny: So, Amy, what about you? Do you date much?
Amy: Once a year. It's a deal I made with my mother in exchange for her silence on the matter, as well as the occasional use of her George Foreman Grill that seals in the flavor without the fat. How about you, Penny? Do you go on many dates?
Penny: Uh, I wouldn't say many. A few. [Sheldon chuckles] What's [imitating chuckle]?
Sheldon: Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as "a few."
Penny: Where did you get 171 men?
Sheldon: Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I've known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15...
Penny: Whoa, wait, wait, wait, I did not start dating at 15.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. 16?
Penny: 14.
Sheldon: My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to...193 men. Plus or minus eight men.
Amy: Remarkable. Do you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?
Penny: No!
Sheldon: Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate. Based on the number of awkward encounters I've had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she's returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before...
Penny: Okay, Sheldon, I think you made your point.
Sheldon: So we multiply 193—minus 21 men before the loss of virginity—172 * .18 gives us...30.96 sexual partners. Let's round that up to 31.
Penny: Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong. That is not even close to the real number. [To a passing waiter] I'm gonna need a drink over here.
Amy: This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut?
Penny: No! No! [suddenly unsure] No. Let's just all finish our dinners, okay?
Sheldon: This is an interesting topic. How many sexual encounters have you had?
Amy: Does volunteering for a scientific experiment in which orgasm was achieved by electronically stimulating the pleasure centers of the brain count?
Sheldon: I should think so.
Penny: OK, well, what do you communicate about?
Sheldon: Well, my work in Physics, her work in Neurobiology and, most recently, the possibility of our having a child together.
Penny: [spits out her beverage and is offered a napkin by Howard's robot] Thank you.
Leonard: Wait a minute, a child? You never see this girl, you just email and text and twitter, now you're considering having a baby.
Sheldon: Amy pointed out that between the two of us our genetic material has the potential of producing the first, in a line of intellectually, superior, benign overlords, to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.
Howard: I'm guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.

The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification [4.02]

[Sheldon suggests taking up jogging]
Penny: Have you ever run before?
Sheldon: Certainly! I've run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens and one particularly persistant P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.
[Raj whispers in Howard's ear]
Howard: You're right, Penny jogs. Maybe you guys can run together.
Sheldon: That's an excellent idea! If we chat it will create the illusion of time going faster!
Penny: No, it won't.
[Leonard is taking Sheldon's MVPD to work in their car]
Sheldon: I don't understand why you're not enjoying this. Together, in this car, with my enhanced capabilities, we're like Knight Rider.
Leonard: Except, in Knight Rider, the car isn't a yammering sphincter.
Sheldon: You mock the sphincter, but the sphincter is a class of muscle without which human beings couldn't survive. [an image of internal human body anatomy with numerous arrows appears on the MVPD's screen] There are over 50 different sphincters in the human body. How many can you name?
Leonard: I was wrong. This is exactly like Knight Rider.

The Zazzy Substitution [4.03]

Penny: Alrighty! What's new?
Amy: Well, just recently I learned that you refer to us as "Shamy", and I don't like that.
Penny: Uh, I got it, but what I was going for was—you know—how's your life?
Amy: Like everybody else's: subject to entropy, decay, and eventual death. Thank you for asking.
[After his "breakup" with Amy. Sheldon is replacing her with cats]
Leonard: Okay, fine. Live with cats. Be like my Aunt Nancy. She had dozens of them. And do you know what happened after she died? They ate her.
Sheldon: You don't have to sell me on cats, Leonard. I'm already a fan.

The Hot Troll Deviation [4.04]

Penny: Well, I would ask you guys if you want dessert, but I know Sheldon doesn't eat dessert on Tuesdays, and even if Raj wanted something, he couldn't tell me. Howard won't order anything, but he will come up with some sort of skeevy comment involving the words "pie" or "cheesecake", and Leonard is lactose intolerant, so he can't eat anything here without his intestines blowing up like a balloon animal.
Leonard: Hang on a second. I could have the fruit platter.
Penny: You want the fruit platter?
Leonard: Does it have melon on it?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: No, I can't eat melon.
Leonard: That's great news about you and Bernadette [getting back together]!
Howard: Yeah, I think I'm going to take her to miniature golf.
Leonard: Oh, well, I guess for you guys, that's like regular golf.
Howard: Short jokes, really? You're like a quarter of an inch taller than me!
Leonard: Yeah, and don't you forget it!

The Desperation Emanation [4.05]

Sheldon: [after Amy proposed for Sheldon to meet her mother] What am I supposed to do?
Leonard: Well, have you considered telling her how you feel?
Sheldon: Leonard, I'm a physicist, not a hippie.
Leonard: All right, well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?
Sheldon: Screwed! [he realizes what he said]
Leonard: There you go.
Amy: I find the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that has no value to human relationships.
Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler, that's the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me.
Amy: I trust this clarification allows us to return to boy-slash-friend-slash-girl-slash-friend status?
Sheldon: Of course. Would you like to join me for Chinese food?
Amy: Sheldon, please, you're suffocating me.

The Irish Pub Formulation [4.06]

Priya: Leonard, wake up.
Leonard: Huh? Huh, jus', sorry.
Priya: What for?
Leonard: I don't know. When I'm in bed with a girl, that's just my go-to response.
Sheldon: You know I can't keep a secret!
Leonard: You can if you try. Think about it this way: if I were Batman and you were Alfred, you'd keep that secret, right?
Sheldon: Why do you get to be Batman?
Leonard: Because the Batman has the secret.
Sheldon: Alfred has secrets, too!
Leonard: Like what?
Sheldon: Alfred knows that Barbara Gordon is Batgirl. Which I've now just told to Batman! See, I cannot keep a secret!

The Apology Insufficiency [4.07]

Sheldon: If only there was a way to force Howard to accept my apology to escape this miasma of guilt!
Penny: You know, sometimes stuff just happens and there's nothing you can do about it. For example, Lisa Peterson hasn't talked to me since the 11th grade because no matter how much you apologize, you can't go back and un-dry-hump someone's boyfriend.
Sheldon: Whether you forgive me or not, I want you to have this
[Sheldon pulls a couch cushion out of a large bag]
Howard: You're giving me a couch cushion?
Sheldon: No, the cushion is merely symbolic. I'm giving you my spot on the couch.
[Everyone looks at him in shock]
Howard: [aghast] But... you love that spot!
Sheldon: No, I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe... And now it's yours.
[Howard is speechless]
Raj: [crying] Oh my God, dude. Now you have to forgive him.

The 21-Second Excitation [4.08]

Penny: [While watching Raiders of the Lost Ark] You know, I could totally rock a hat like that.
Sheldon: That's the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson's Thriller video, which I've never watched in its entirety as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. Also it's really scary.
Leonard: Can somebody please turn off the Sheldon commentary track?
Sheldon: There's no switch, just listen and learn.
Amy: So anyway to make a long story short, turns out I have an unusually firm cervix.
Penny: You know Amy, when we say girl talk that just doesn't have to be about our lady parts.
Amy: [That's a] Shame, cause I have a real zinger about my tilted uterus.
Penny: So what do you girls wanna do tonight? Should we go to the club or to the movies?
Bernadette: Or we could just stay here?
Amy: Yes, and continue to bond. I have a feeling that after tonight, one of you will become my best friend forever, or BFF if you prefer - which I don't.

The Boyfriend Complexity [4.09]

Leonard: You'll never guess what just happened!
Sheldon: You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal which brought you 5,000 years into the future where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you're back to bring us all with you to the year 7010 where we are transported to work at the thinkatorium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Aw.
Leonard: Penny kissed me.
Sheldon: Well, who would ever guess that?
Bernadette: So we just sit and stare at a screen and wait for something to happen?
Howard: I did it with you when we rented The Notebook.

The Alien Parasite Hypothesis [4.10]

Howard: Who'd want to become "RatMan"?
Raj: Who wouldn't?!?! You could zip through a maze in nothing flat, uh, squeeze through really small holes, and shut down restaurants in a single bound! And the best part of it is, if I were RatMan, you could be my sidekick; "MouseBoy".
Howard: MouseBoy?
Raj: You don't like MouseBoy? How about "Kid Vermin"?
Howard: First of all, if we were going to have superpowers I would not be the sidekick; YOU'D be the sidekick.
Raj: RatMan is nobody's sidekick!
Howard: Leonard, settle this. Of the two of us, who's the obvious sidekick?
Raj: Yeah Leonard, who?
[long pause]
Leonard: Twelve years after high school and I'm still at the nerd table.
Amy: Penny's friend, Zack, stopped by and said "hello" and I said "hoo!"
Sheldon: Hoo?
Amy: Zack.
Sheldon: Then why did you ask?
Amy: Ask what?
Sheldon: Who?
Amy: Zack.
Sheldon: Alright, let's start over. What did you say when Zack walked in?
Amy: Hoo!
Sheldon: Zack.
Amy: Why do you keep saying 'Zack'?
Sheldon: Because you keep saying 'Who'.
Amy: I'm not saying 'hoo' now. I said 'hoo' last night.
Sheldon: And the answer was Zack, correct?
Amy: There was no question; I simply said "Hoo!"
Sheldon: [short pause] All right. I think I have enough to go on.

The Justice League Recombination [4.11]

[The guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'ah]
Raj: Water demon.
Howard: Ice dragon.
Leonard: [victorious tone of voice] Lesser Warlord of Ka'ah!
Sheldon: Not so fast! Infinite Sheldon.
Leonard: Infinite Sheldon?!
Sheldon: Yes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards, and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.
Leonard: Do you understand why people don't want to play with you?
Sheldon: No. Although it's a question I've been pondering since preschool.
Zack: You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel: turns out that if you kill a starfish, it'll just come back to life.
Sheldon: Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon.
Zack: No. I'm almost sure that it was the Discovery Channel. It was a great show; they also said dolphins might be smarter than people.
Leonard: They might be smarter than some people. [Sheldon and Raj laugh; Penny is disgusted]
Zack: [oblivious] Well, maybe we can do an experiment to find out.
Sheldon: That's easy enough. We'd need a large tank of water, a hoop to jump through, and a bucket of whatever bite-size treats you find tasty.

The Bus Pants Utilization [4.12]

Sheldon: I won't say that all senior citizens who can't master technology should be publicly flogged, but if we made an example of one or two, it might give the others incentive to try harder.
[after Leonard kicked Sheldon out of the app team]
Sheldon: All right, I suppose I'll go put on my bus pants.
Leonard: What the hell are bus pants?
Sheldon: They are pants one wears over one's regular pants when one sits on bus seats that other people have previously sat on. But, perhaps from your lofty heights atop the corporate ladder, you've lost touch with the struggles of the common man.
Leonard: Look, I'm still happy to drive you to work. Nothing's changed in that regard; we're still roommates, we're still friends.
Sheldon: Except you identified me, your best friend, as a gangrenous limb that needed to be severed from the organism and tossed away. A desperate act of a little man with a big Napoleon complex!
Leonard: You know what? Go put on your bus pants.

The Love Car Displacement [4.13]

Penny: Hey, you guys ready to order?
Sheldon: Since we come in every Tuesday night at 6:00 and order the same exact thing, and it's now…[checks his watch] 6:08, I believe your question not only answers itself, but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as "Who Let the Dogs Out?" and, uh…"How are they hanging?"
Penny: [writing] Okay, so the usual with extra spit on Sheldon's hamburger.
Penny: [about going with the others to a science conference including a spa treatment] Boy, this is great. I haven't had a vacation in ages!
Sheldon: In order to take a vacation, one first has to work.
Penny: You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept "Don't piss off the people who handle the things you eat". [leaves]
Amy: That does seem to be a valid principle.
Sheldon: [waves her off] I trust Penny will adhere to the official California Restaurant Worker's Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.
Amy: I don't believe there's any such thing.
Sheldon: [to Leonard] You lied to me?

The Thespian Catalyst [4.14]

[the guys are reading responses to Sheldon's lecture]
Leonard: I found another Tweet from a student at Sheldon's lecture: [from his phone] "Dr. Cooper has taken a relatively boring subject and managed to make it completely insufferable. Plus, he looks like a giant insect."
[Raj laughs]
Howard: Listen to this one: [from his phone] "Does Einstein's theory explain why time flies when you're having fun, but when you're listening to Dr. Cooper, it falls out of the sky, dead?"
[Howard and Leonard laugh]
Raj: [while on a laptop] Ooh, somebody took pictures and uploaded them to their Flickr account.
[Howard and Leonard have a look on the laptop]
Leonard: [amazed] Wow. How do you get an entire lecture hall to flip you off at the same time?
Howard: Apparently, if you're Sheldon, all you need to do is turn your back.
[Penny enters]
Penny: Hey, Leonard, is your wi-fi down? I can't get on.
Leonard: Oh, Sheldon changed the password. It's now "Penny is a freeloader"…no spaces.
Penny: [typing on her phone] Thanks. What are you guys doing?
Leonard: Sheldon gave a lecture at the university tonight [and] we're reading the reviews.
Penny: Oh, how'd he do?
Howard: Well, picture the Hindenburg meets Chernobyl meets Three Mile Island meets Tron 2.
Penny: That bad, huh?
Leonard: [going to Penny with his phone] Read this woman's Tweet.
Penny: [reading from Leonard's phone] "Listening to Dr. Cooper's made me want to start cutting myself again."
Sheldon: [looking at Tweets about his lecture on Raj's laptop] I'm not familiar with the acronym "KMN".
Leonard: Uh, from the context, we think it means "Kill Me Now".
Sheldon: [unsettled] Well…s'pose everyone's entitled to their own opinion. I think I'll turn in.
[He starts to walk to his bedroom]
Sheldon: [very quickly, looking back at his friends] I didn't want to teach those poopyheads, anyway! [leaves]
Howard: [short pause] FYI, I think that's what Darth Vader said just before he started building the Death Star.

The Benefactor Factor [4.15]

Leonard: [Mrs. Latham] wants to have dinner and talk about my research.
Sheldon: An entire dinner to talk about your research? Where you going, the drive-thru at Jack in the Box?
[Amy is trying to convince Sheldon to go to a university fundraiser he has boycotted]
Amy: And consider this: without you to make the case for the physics department, the task will fall to people like Leonard and Rajesh.
Sheldon: Are you trying to scare me? 'Cause you're succeeding!
Amy: Well, then, prepare to be terrified; if your friends are unconvincing, this year's donation might go to, say, the geology department.
Sheldon: Oh, dear, n- not the dirt people!
Amy: Or worse, it could go to... [leans in dramatically] the liberal arts.
Sheldon: No.
Amy: [nods] Millions of dollars being showered on poets, literary theorists and students of gender studies.
Sheldon: Oh, the humanities!

The Cohabitation Formulation [4.16]

Mrs. Wolowitz: [as Howard is unlocking the front door] Who's there!? Are you a sex criminal!?
Howard: Sex criminals don't have keys, Ma! [goes inside]
Mrs. Wolowitz: Where were you so late!?
Howard: I was out with Bernadette!
Mrs. Wolowitz: I know what that means! I watch Dr. Phil! [short pause] I hope to God you used a condom!
Howard: I'm not having this conversation with you, Ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: God forbid you get one of those new fancy sex diseases!
Howard: Nobody has a disease!
Mrs. Wolowitz: I hope not! I share a toilet with you! Is that what you want!? To give your mother herbies!?
Howard: That's it! I don't have to take this! [comes back outside, yelling at the front door] And good luck with your eyebrows in the morning!
[He starts to leave, then goes back to the door and unlocks it again]
Mrs. Wolowitz: Who's there!? Are you a sex criminal!?
Howard: [going back inside] Still leaving; I just forgot my Claritin!
Sheldon: What's going on?
Leonard: Oh, Howard's gonna sleep here tonight. He had a fight with his mother.
Sheldon: Did you offer him a hot beverage?
Leonard: [long pause] No.
Sheldon: Leonard, social protocol states: when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage such as tea.
Howard: Tea does sound nice.
Sheldon: You heard the man, Leonard. [snaps his fingers and gestures to the kitchen]
[Leonard starts to walk to the kitchen]
Sheldon: And while you're at it, I'm upset that we have an unannounced houseguest, so make me cocoa.

The Toast Derivation [4.17]

Sheldon: Where are you going?
Leonard: I'm having dinner with Priya at Raj's. I think Howard's gonna be there; you wanna join us?
Sheldon: But tonight's Thursday. On Thursdays, everybody comes over here and has pizza, or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be Luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like Jackie Chan.
Leonard: Can we make a one time exception for tonight.
Sheldon: We could. We could also stop using the letter M, but I think that idea is isguided and oronic.
Leonard: Just come with me to Raj's.
Sheldon: I don't want to go to a party.
Leonard: It's not a party; it's the same group of people who hang out here hanging out over there.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, but 5 people eating and chatting is a party.
Leonard: How come it's not a party when we do it over here?
Sheldon: Because we don't throw parties.
Howard: Hey, Raj, did you ever tell your sister about the time Sheldon got punched by Bill Gates?
Priya: Oh God, you're kidding!
Raj: [laughing] No. Gates gave a speech at the university. Sheldon went up to him afterwards and said "Maybe if you weren't so distracted by sick children in Africa you could have put a little more thought into Windows Vista."
Leonard: [laughing at the memory] Bam! Right in the nose! Made me proud to own a PC.

The Prestidigitation Approximation [4.18]

Sheldon: [frustrated in trying to figure out Howard's magic trick] This deck is rigged in some fashion.
Howard: Fine. Get another deck and I'll do the trick with that [one].
Sheldon: So you're saying this is a regulation deck?
Howard: [shouting] I'm saying, believe in magic, you Muggle!
Penny: [to Howard] Y'know, I think I know how you did the card trick.
Sheldon: Oh, please. If I don't know, you don't know. That's axiomatic.
Penny: C'mere. [whispers in Howard's ear]
Howard: You're right.
Penny: Not too bad for someone who doesn't know what "axiomatic" means.

The Zarnecki Incursion [4.19]

Penny: Did you know that last weekend Priya took Leonard rollerblading on the beach? Can you believe that?
Bernadette: I feel like I'm supposed to say “that bitch!”, but I don't have enough information.
Penny: I'm the one who spent two years trying to get him to even go to the beach in the first place. He was so phobic about stepping on medical waste I'd carry him to the water.
Bernadette: I took Howard to the beach once. He almost burst into flames like a vampire.
Penny: So what's the thanks that I get for turning Leonard into a quality boyfriend material? I have to tiptoe around his new girlfriend!
Amy: [to Bernadette] I think you're on.
Bernadette: Oh. [To Penny] That bitch!
[Leonard knocks on Todd Zarnecki's front door]
Todd Zarnecki: Who is it?
Sheldon: Your doom!
Raj: Don't say "Your doom". Who opens the door for their doom?
Sheldon: Good point. [to the door] Basket of puppies.

The Herb Garden Germination [4.20]

[Amy knocks on Penny's door, getting ready to spread a false rumor as part of an experiment]
Penny: Oh, hey, Amy. What's up?
Amy: [quickly] Sheldon and I engaged in sexual intercourse. In other news, I'm thinking of starting an herb garden. Mum's the word. Gotta go. [leaves]
Sheldon: I must say, Amy, pretending to have intercourse with you has given me a great deal of satisfaction.
Amy: Slow down, Sheldon. I’m not quite there yet.

The Agreement Dissection [4.21]

[Sheldon has joined Penny, Bernadette and Amy Farrah Fowler on their girls night out at a bar]
Penny: Sheldon, have you ever kissed a girl?
Sheldon: Other than my mother, my sister and my mee-maw, no. But in the interest of full disclosure, I was once on a bus and had to give mouth-to-mouth to an elderly nun who passed out from heat exhaustion. Every year I get a Christmas card from her, signed with far too many X's and O's.
Bernadette: That doesn't count! Aren't you even a little curious?
Penny: Yeah, you're a scientist, where is the curiosity?
Amy: I'm available for experimentation [turns towards Sheldon and puckers up]
Sheldon: Thank you, but not necessary. We know everything there is to know about kissing. It requires 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles
Amy: Oh blah blah blah. Give me some sugar, bestie. [turns to Penny and kisses her, all three girls start giggling]
Sheldon: I'm certainly glad no one said they were curious about Aztec human sacrifice.
Leonard: Morning, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, good. You're up. I've written a new and improved roommate agreement that benefits me greatly. I'd like you to sign it.
Leonard: Why would I want to do that?
Sheldon: Excellent question. Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield"?
Leonard: Uh, Captain Kirk activated the self-destruct sequence and threatened to blow up the Enterprise and kill them both unless he gave in?
Sheldon: Affirmative. [Turns to laptop] Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. [laptop beeps in response] Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B.
Voice from laptop: Self-destruct sequence activated.
[Sheldon turns the laptop toward Leonard and Priya, showing a timer counting down from one minute]
Leonard: What are you gonna do, Sheldon, blow up the apartment?
Sheldon: That was my first thought, but all my cool stuff is here.
Priya: So what happens when it counts down?
Sheldon: Unless Leonard signs the new agreement in the next…[checks timer] 41 seconds, this computer will send an e-mail to your parents in India saying that you're in a secret relationship with the whiter-than-Marshmallow-Fluff Leonard Hofstadter.
Priya: [worried] Oh, my God.
Leonard: What's the big deal?
Priya: Trust me, it's a big deal.
Leonard: They're gonna find out about me eventually, right?
Priya: Yeah, of course, just not today.
Sheldon: 20 seconds.
Leonard: Are you ashamed of me?
Priya: Of course not.
Leonard: Then why can't we just tell your parents?
Priya: Please don't push this.
Sheldon: He does that all the time, doesn't he? 15.
Priya: Okay, fine, Sheldon, you win. Turn it off.
Leonard: No, he's bluffing.
Sheldon: I never bluff. 10.
Leonard: It's blackmail!
Sheldon: 9.
Priya: We give up.
Sheldon: 8.
Leonard: [unhooking the laptop] This is ridiculous.
Sheldon: It's a laptop with a full charge. [to Priya] Honestly, what do you see in him?
Priya: Okay, give him what he wants or we're done.
Sheldon: 3.
Leonard: Really?
Sheldon: 2.
Leonard: Okay, I'll sign it!
[Sheldon hits a key and places a pen on the agreement]
Voice from laptop: Self-destruct sequence aborted.
Sheldon: [to Priya as he stands up and leaves] You may have gone to Cambridge, but I'm an honorary graduate of Starfleet Academy.

The Wildebeest Implementation [4.22]

Sheldon: Good news. I finally have a handle on my idea for 3-person chess.
Leonard: That is good news. Bye. [starts to leave]
Sheldon: Do you know how I solved the balanced center combat-area problem? Five words: transitional quadrilateral to triangular tesselation.
Leonard: That…that's brilliant.
Sheldon: It's what I do.
[Amy's phone rings with a text message from Bernadette, who is having dinner with Howard, Leonard, and Priya]
Amy: Hang on. [looks at her phone] It's the wildebeest. Priya just made a snide comment about your acting career.
Penny: What the hell did she say?
Amy: She thinks it's cool you're following your dream, no matter what.
Penny: [short pause] That bitch!

The Engagement Reaction [4.23]

Howard: Hey, how'd it go?
Bernadette: You're a putz! You know what that means?
Howard: Yeah, do you?
Bernadette: Your mother just taught it to me. She thinks she got food poisoning from that deli and she wanted to make sure I was okay.
Howard: And are you?
Bernadette: No, because I'm engaged to a putz. You let me believe I was the reason she had a heart attack.
Howard: Well, based on the available evidence...
Bernadette: Shut up! She said I'm a wonderful girl and that you're lucky to have me.
Howard: [as Bernadette walks away] Where are you going?
Bernadette: [like Mrs. Wolowitz] To the toilet! Is that okay with you?!
Howard: [to Leonard and Raj after she leaves] Is it just me or does she sound sexy when she's angry?

The Roommate Transmogrification [4.24]

Sheldon: I must say, Amy, I was very impressed to see that Bernadette got her PhD.
Amy: It's indeed admirable. Although, it is microbiology.
Sheldon: Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction.
Amy: I'll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Lite.

Season 5

The Skank Reflex Analysis [5.01]

Sheldon: [in response to Howard offering to go for Jamba Juice] No. Jamba Juice is for heroes. [pulls down paintball visor] And that's what we're going to be.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Following in the footsteps of Kirk, Crunch, and Kangaroo. [walks out for hideout and bares himself, with arms wide open] Geology isn't a real science!!
[Sheldon is then shot down in slow-motion by the rival paintball team, and collapses]
Howard: DAMN THOSE SONS OF BITCHES!!
[all other members charge out, and shoot down the rival teams]
Sheldon: [getting up] If there's ever a Church of Sheldon, this will be when it started. [gets hit by another paintball] Ow!
Penny: We should have never slept together. It's what ruins friendships.
Raj: You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.

The Infestation Hypothesis [5.02]

[Sheldon and Amy are talking in her apartment]
Sheldon: I was hoping she [Penny] might listen to you about the dangers of owning unhygienic furniture.
Amy: For general educational purposes or has she acquired a bar stool dipped in cholera?
Sheldon: Cholera is water-borne, you're mocking me.
Amy: Yes, I am.
Sheldon: Penny has dragged a chair in off the street whose unknown provenance jeopardizes the health and welfare of every resident of our building.
Amy: Sheldon, just because you have a focus on cleanliness bordering on the psychotic doesn't mean I have to participate.
Sheldon: All right. Name your price.
Amy: [thinks] Kiss me where I've never been kissed before.
Sheldon: …You mean like Salt Lake City?
Sheldon: Thank you for letting me stay here while Leonard skypes with his girlfriend.
Penny: Oh, it's no problem. It's actually kind of funny: You reading, me reading, we're like an old married couple.
Sheldon: If we were an old, married couple the wife would serve iced tea and snicker-doodles.
Penny: I don't have iced tea and snicker-doodles.
Sheldon: A good wife would go to the store.
Penny: I want a divorce.
Sheldon: Good, on your way to see the lawyer pick some tea and cookies.

The Pulled Groin Extrapolation [5.03]

[Leonard and Amy are sitting alone at their table at a wedding reception]
Amy: Would you like to dance?
Leonard: [depressed] No, thank you. I'm not really much of a dancer.
[long pause]
Amy: Not exactly winning any trophies as a conversationalist either.
Leonard: I'm sorry. The bride and groom seem happy.
Amy: Why shouldn't they be? They have a feverish night of socially approved copulation ahead of them. In some cultures, we'd stand outside of their bedroom cheering as they achieved orgasm.
Leonard: That sounds like a late night, and I have work in the morning.
Amy: [fed up] Leonard, you may not have noticed, but I am being a delight here. And you're not holding up your end of the evening.
Leonard: I'm sorry. This wedding just reminds me of my kinda-sorta-girlfriend 9,000 miles away.
Amy: I have a kinda-sorta-boyfriend who's playing with a model train right now, you don't hear me bitching about it.
Leonard: [sarcastically, to Sheldon] You sound like you had a great night.
Sheldon: I did. How was yours?
Leonard: Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would.
Sheldon: [confused] What exactly do you mean by that?
Leonard: Well, turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time…Although, truth be told, my groin is a little worse for wear.
[Short pause, and then Sheldon hits Leonard with his model train]:
Leonard: OW! Why'd you do that!?
Sheldon: To send you a message. She is not for you.
Leonard: What!?
Sheldon: Not for you!

The Wiggly Finger Catalyst [5.04]

[The group is discussing Raj's new girlfriend possibly taking advantage of him]
Sheldon: I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion. [resumes eating]
Leonard: [long pause] Could you tell us?
Sheldon: Let's see…[rolls dice] Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.
Penny: [points to dice] Wait, hang on. Doubles. Roll again.
[Sheldon does so]
Sheldon: …Okay, get this. [Penny and Leonard exchange looks of annoyance] It doesn't matter if he's showering her with gifts. Because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy.
Penny: What do you mean "vastly wealthy"?
Sheldon: Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more…I'm not sure what's tripping you up.
Leonard: Oh, I know they have money. I don't think it's that much.
Sheldon: No, you're wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago, I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a Notary Public. From time to time, I notarized banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren't just rich. They are Richie Rich rich.
Penny: Well, so how much is that?
Sheldon: About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck. ($18.5 billion)
[The others look shocked]
Howard: [outraged] What the hell! The last time we went to the zoo, that son of a bitch made me buy him a churro!
[Penny is trying to explain Raj's naïvete to Emily with Howard translating into sign language]
Penny: Raj is naïve. He hasn't dated a whole lot of women. [Howard gets distracted by two women at the reception desk behind them] and I'm concerned that, without meaning to, you might be taking advantage of him, by letting him buy you lots of expensive things and I…[realizes that Howard hasn't been translating] Howard! Focus. Tell her what I'm saying.
Howard: Right. [signing] Are you a gold digger or not?
[Penny turns to him in shock. Emily is outraged and begins signing furiously]
Howard: [translating hastily] Oh, uh, something, something. Who the something do you think you are? Mind your own something business and go something yourself.

The Russian Rocket Reaction [5.05]

Amy: I don't understand. What difference does it make if Leonard goes to Wil Wheaton's party?
Penny: Wil Wheaton is Sheldon's mortal enemy.
Amy: Mortal enemy? Sheldon, I know you're a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but you really have a mortal enemy?
Sheldon: In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?
Sheldon: You've already signed something for me, Brent Spiner—your name on my list. From this moment on you are my mortal enemy!
Wil Wheaton: Don't worry, it doesn't take up a whole lotta your time.

The Rhinitis Revelation [5.06]

Mary Cooper: [Regarding Sheldon and Amy] You have any idea what's going on with those two?
Leonard: It's kind of like the Loch Ness monster. Maybe there's something there, maybe there isn't, we'll probably never know. But sometimes it's fun to creep yourself out thinking about it!
Leonard: Raj, what are you doing?
Raj: I couldn't find you guys, so I bought six new friends. Three sadly are dead.

The Good Guy Fluctuation [5.07]

[after scaring Sheldon with a Halloween prank]
Howard: I thought he would faint.
Raj: I thought he would pee himself.
Leonard: Looks like everyone's a winner!
Sheldon: [after scaring Leonard] Bazinga, punk! Now we're even!

The Isolation Permutation [5.08]

Sheldon: I am a man of science, not someone's snuggle-bunny!
Amy: I can stop pretending that some beautiful girl and her cute-in-the-right-light friend want to hang out with me.
Bernadette: Amy, we're really sorry.
Penny: Yeah, we feel awful.
Amy: Don't. I'm be okay. You're not the first girls I thought were friends with me who ended up shunning me. It's like elementary school, junior high, high school, undergrad, grad school, and that semester abroad in Norway all over again.
Penny: Oh, come on, Amy.
Amy: You don't get it. [holding a piece of brain] Look at this brain.
Penny: [getting sick] I don't really want to.
Amy: This is us. Bernadette, you're the analytical, scientific left hemisphere. Penny, you're the creative, spontaneous right hemisphere. And where's Amy? [Lays the brain on a tray, picks up a tumor with a knife and holds it up] She's right here—the sad little tumor no one wants to go dress shopping with.
Bernadette: Amy, you're not a tumor. Penny, tell her she's not a tumor.
[Penny is throwing up in a garbage can]

The Ornithophobia Diffusion [5.09]

Howard: [Waiting for Sheldon to join their Star Wars on Blu-ray night] I'm pushing play. I mean it. If we don't start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again.
Penny: [Talking about screenplay writer in bar] No, I'm talking to him because he's cute.
Leonard: Come on, he's not that cute.
Penny: Yes he is, with his dorky t-shirt and his little hipster glasses.
Leonard: [long pause] I wear dorky t-shirts and glasses.
Penny: Yeah, but when you're tall and have great cheekbones, you're doing it ironically.

The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition [5.10]

Sheldon: I got a splinter.
Amy: What do you want me to do about it?
Sheldon: Relationship agreement - Section 4: Boo-boos and ouchies. You have to take care of it.
Amy: I should've gotten a lawyer.
Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: The thought of you sitting in a darkened theatre with a character like Stuart is repellant. No offense Stuart!
Stuart: None taken. Though, repellant, is kind of, kind of a strong word.
Amy: Um... sorry this causes you discomfort but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship, I can put myself in any repellant situation I want.
Stuart: Um...again...
Sheldon: Stuart please, you're being rude.
Amy: Anything else?
Sheldon: I believe, I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.
Amy: I'm listening.
Sheldon: With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise. I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.
Amy: Interesting... Now try it without the quadruple negative.
Sheldon: You're being impossible!
Amy: Hi, Stuart.
Sheldon: Fine! Amy, will you be my girlfriend?
Amy: Yes!
Sheldon: Alright, that's enough about it. Sorry to interrupt. You two enjoy your date!

The Speckerman Reccurance [5.11]

Sheldon: Congratulations, the Newcomb Medal...Oh, please. That's a scientific equivalent of a smiley face sticker on your homework.
Raj: Hey! I won a Newcomb Medal, too.
Sheldon: My point.
Sheldon: I help the weak. It's yet another way I'm exactly like Batman.

The Shiny Trinket Maneuver [5.12]

Amy: Jewelry? Seriously? Sheldon, you are the most shallow, self-centered person I have ever met. Do you really think that another transparent manip...[pulls out of the bag...] Ohhhhhh, it's a tiara! A tiara! I have a tiara! [Rushes to Penny] Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me.
Penny: [placing it on Amy's head] You look beautiful!
Amy: OF COURSE I DO! I'M A PRINCESS AND THIS IS MY TIARA!
[She excitedly kisses Sheldon]
Sheldon: [to Penny] You're right, the tiara was too much.
Howard: How is that not amusing?
Sheldon: It's still there. Takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security.
[Sheldon leaves the kitchen]
Howard: Look, I made Sheldon disappear, tada!
Leonard: Next time you should open with that.

The Recombination Hypothesis [5.13]

Sheldon: I want to build a road, but I need wood. Do either of you fellows have wood?
[Raj and Howard chuckle]
Sheldon: I don't understand the laughter. The object of Settlers of Catan is to build roads and settlements. To do so requires wood. Now I have sheep; I need wood. Who has wood for my sheep?
...
Sheldon: Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Does anyone have any wood?
[Raj and Howard snicker]
Sheldon: Oh, come on. I just want wood. Why are you making it so hard?
Leonard: So, uh, do they have a name for a first date with someone you used to go out with?
Penny Oh, that's a good question. How about "awkward'?
Leonard: That sounds right. [pauses] Hey, how about if we pretend we're actually on a first date? See how that goes.
Penny Okay.
Leonard: So, Polly, tell me about yourself.
Penny It's Penny.
Leonard: Oh sorry, yeah, awkward...
Penny: [laughs] Okay let's see, I'm from Nebraska, and ever since I was little girl I dreamed of moving to LA and becoming a movie star, anyway, after four years of acting lessons and waiting tables, I've done a hemorrhoid commercial and a production of Anne Frank above the bowling alley. So, you know, dreams do come true! Your turn!
Leonard: Ah, let's see, I am an experimental physicist at CalTech. Most of my research is with high-powered lasers and, oh, I've just gotten a big government grant to see if they can be used to knock out incoming ballistic missiles.
Penny Wow! Can they?
Leonard: Oh, God no! [Penny laughs] The money's pretty good, and I use the equipment to make my own Bat Signal.
Penny: [laughs] Bat Signal? What are you, some kind of nerd?
Leonard: Not "some kind of nerd", I am the king of nerds!
Penny: [laughs] What does that mean?
Leonard: Uh, it means, if anyone displeases me, I don't help them set up their printer.
Penny: [laughs] You are so funny!
Leonard: Good! Remember that when I take my shirt off.

The Beta Test Initiation [5.14]

The Friendship Contraction [5.15]

The Vacation Solution [5.16]

The Rothman Disintegration [5.17]

Cast

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