The Big Bang Theory

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The Big Bang Theory (2007 -) is an American television show, airing on CBS, about two geniuses and their beautiful neighbor. Created by the creators of Two and a Half Men and Dharma & Greg.


Contents

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Pilot [1.01]

Sheldon: [about donating sperm] What if she winds up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve?
Leonard: I'm sure she'll still love him.
Sheldon: I wouldn't.
Penny: I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know...
Sheldon:Yes... it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
Penny: Participate in the what?

[edit] The Big Bran Hypothesis [1.02]

Leonard: You convinced me. Maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.
Sheldon: You don't think that crosses the line?
Leonard: Yes... For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to... hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?
Sheldon: You have a sarcasm sign?
Leonard: No! I don't have a sarcasm sign.
Leonard: Don't you realize that when [Penny] wakes up, there is no reasonable explanation to why we're here?
Sheldon: (in a whisper) I just gave you a reasonable explanation!
Leonard: No. You gave me an explanation. It's reasonable if it will be determined by a jury of your peers!
Sheldon: Don't be ridiculous. I have no peers.
Leonard: (whispering) Sheldon, we have to get out of here! (Penny snores)
Sheldon: You might want to speak in a lower register.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Evolution has made women sensitive to high pitched noises, so they will be aroused by a crying baby. If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.
Leonard: That's ridiculous! (Penny snores again)
Sheldon: No! (clears throat and deepens voice) That's ridiculous.
[Discussing a large box of furniture which they have to take to the fourth floor, with the lift out of order]
Leonard: Well, we'll just have to take it up ourselves.
Sheldon: I hardly think so.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: Well, we don't have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.
Leonard: We don't need strength, we're physicists. We are the intellectual descendants of Archimedes. Give me a lever and a fulcrum and I could lift the earth.
[The package starts falling on him]
Leonard: I don't have this! I don't have this! I DON'T HAVE THIS!
[Sheldon lifts the package off him]
Sheldon: Archimedes would be so proud.
Leonard: Well, do you have any ideas?
Sheldon: Yeah, but they all involve a Green Lantern and a power ring.

[edit] The Fuzzy Boots Corollary [1.03]

Leonard: Hello Leslie.
Leslie: Hi Leonard.
Leonard: I'd like to propose an experiment...
Leslie: Goggles, Leonard.
Leonard: Right. I would like to propose an experiment.
Leslie: Hang on. I'm trying to see how long it takes a 500-kilowatt oxygen iodine laser to heat up my Cup o' Noodles.
Leonard: I've done it. About two seconds, 2.6 for minestrone. Anyway, I was thinking more of a bio-social exploration with a neuro-chemical overlay.
Leslie: Wait, are you asking me out?
Leonard: I was going to characterize it as the modification of our colleague-slash-friendship paradigm with the addition of a date-like component, but we don't need to quibble over terminology.
Leslie: What sort of experiment?
Leonard: There's a generally accepted pattern in this area. I would pick you up. Take you to a restaurant. Then we would see a movie, probably a romantic comedy featuring the talents of Hugh Grant or Sandra Bullock.
Leslie: Interesting. And would you agree that the primary way we would evaluate either the success or failure of the date would be based on the biochemical reaction during the good night kiss?
Leonard: Heart rate, pheromones, et cetera. Yes.
Leslie: Why don't we just stipulate that the date goes well and move to the key variable?
Leonard: You mean kiss you now?
Leslie: Yes.
Leonard: Can you define the parameters of the kiss?
Leslie: Closed-mouth but romantic. Mint?
Howard: Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn't, would you want me to tell you?
Sheldon: That depends. When I learn that I'm a robot, will I be able to handle it?
Howard: Maybe, although the history of science fiction is not on your side.
Sheldon: Uh, let me ask you this: when I learn that I'm a robot, would I be bound by Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics?
Raj: You might be bound by them right now.
Howard: That's true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or, through inaction, allowed a human being to come to harm?
Sheldon: Of course not.
Raj: Have you ever harmed yourself or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would've been endangered?
Sheldon: Well, no.
Howard: I smell robot.
Howard: So, how did it go with Leslie?
Leonard: Oh, we tried kissing, but The Earth didn't move. I mean, any more than the 383 miles it was going to anyway.
Sheldon: Oh I've seen that look before. This is just going to be 2 weeks of moping and tedious Emo songs, and calling me to come down to pet stores to look at cats. I don't know if I can take it.
Raj: You could power down.

[edit] The Luminous Fish Effect [1.04]

Sheldon: I've spent the past three-and-a-half years staring at greaseboards full of equations; before that, I spent four years working on my thesis; before that, I was in college; and before that, I was in the fifth grade.
Sheldon's Mother: [to Leonard and Penny] You know, you two make a cute couple.
Leonard: Oh no, we're not...a couple. We're singles...like...those individually wrapped pieces of cheese that are next to each other...but...stay separate...like...just friends.
Sheldon's Mother: [aside to Howard] Did I touch a nerve there?
Howard: Oh yeah.

[edit] The Hamburger Postulate [1.05]

Leonard: What did Penny mean, "you'd make a cute couple"?
Sheldon: Well, I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, though somewhat less likely interpretation is that you could manufacture one. As in, "Oh, look, Leonard and Leslie made Mr. and Mrs. Goldfarb! Aren't they adorable?"
Leonard: If Penny didn't know that Leslie had already turned me down, then that would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought I should ask her, Leslie, out, indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out; but because she did know that I had asked Leslie out, and that she, Leslie, had turned me down, then she, Penny, could be offering me consolation - "That's too bad, you would have made a cute couple..." - while thinking, "good, Leonard remains available."
Sheldon: You're a lucky man, Leonard.
Leonard: How so?
Sheldon: You're talking to one of the three men in the Western Hemisphere capable of following that train of thought.
Leonard: Well, what do you think?
Sheldon: I said I could follow it, I didn't say I cared.
Penny: Leonard, I didn't know you played the cello.
Leonard: Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough.

[edit] The Middle-Earth Paradigm [1.06]

[Kurt looking at Sheldon who is dressed as the Doppler Effect]
Kurt: So what are you, a zebra?
Sheldon: [to Leonard] Yet another child left behind.
Leonard: [To Kurt] A Homo habilis just discovering his opposable thumbs says what?
Kurt: [Confused] What?

[edit] The Dumpling Paradox [1.07]

Leonard: What's wrong?
Penny: Well, Howard and Christy are kind of hooking up in my bedroom.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Look, I grew up on a farm. From what I heard, they're either having sex, or Howard's caught in a milking machine.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter-cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America, and watched Doctor Who.
Leonard: Penny's still sleeping.
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal...
Leonard: You have a TV in your room, why don't you just have breakfast in bed?
Sheldon: Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother's Day.

[edit] The Grasshopper Experiment [1.08]

Sheldon: I'll have a Diet Coke.
Penny: OK, will you please order a cocktail? I need to practice mixing drinks.
Sheldon: Fine, I'll have a virgin Cuba Libre.
Penny: That's, um, Rum and Coke without the rum.
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: So, Coke.
Sheldon: Yes. And would you make it Diet?
Penny: There's a can in the fridge.
Sheldon: A Cuba Libre generally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.
Penny: Then swim to Cuba.
Sheldon: Bartenders are supposed to have people skills.
[Sheldon is singing "L'Chaim" at Penny's bar]
Leonard: I don't believe it. What's got into him?
Penny: Oh, a couple of virgin Cuba Libres who turned out to be kinda slutty.
Leonard: (smiling) You didn't.
Penny: Hey, you do your little experiments, I do mine.

[edit] The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization [1.09]

Leonard: Are there any other honors that I've gotten that I don't know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?
Sheldon: Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize is the day I begin my research on the drag co-efficient of tassels on flying carpets.
Raj: The only thing missing from that slam was your mama!
Howard: Hey Leonard, yo mama's research methodology's so flawed...
Leonard: Shut up Howard! Sheldon, we have to do this.
Sheldon: No we don't. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is optional.
Penny: So, you know, isn't there maybe some way you and Sheldon could compromise on this whole presentation thing?
Leonard: No. Scientists do not compromise. Our minds are trained to synthesize facts and come to inarguable conclusions. Not to mention Sheldon is bat-crap crazy.

[edit] The Loobenfeld Decay [1.10]

Sheldon: I'm uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.
Leonard: What was I supposed to say?
Sheldon: You could have told her the truth.
Leonard: That would have hurt her feelings.
Sheldon: Is that a relevant factor?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.
Leonard: And what would I have said afterwards?
Sheldon: I would suggest something to the effect of: singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree I'd recommend you have a CAT scan to look for a tumor pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain.
Leonard: I couldn't say that. I would have to say, "you were terrific and I can't wait to hear you sing again."
Sheldon: Why?
Leonard: That's the social protocol. It's what you do when you have a friend who's proud of something they really suck at.
Sheldon: I was not aware of that.
Leonard: Now you are.
Sheldon: Oh. All right. Leonard?
Leonard: Yes?
Sheldon: When we played chess earlier, you were terrific, and I can't wait to play you again.
Sheldon: I was analyzing our lie, and I believe we're in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.
Leonard: How?
Sheldon: Simple: If she were to log onto www.socalphysicsgroup.org/activities/other, click on "Upcoming Events", scroll down to "Seminars", download the PDF schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire.

[edit] The Pancake Batter Anomaly [1.11]

Sheldon: Checkmate.
Leonard: Argh, again?
Sheldon: Obviously you're not well-suited for three-dimensional chess. Perhaps three-dimensional Candyland would be your speed.
Sheldon: Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn't speak any English. When I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said, "Möchtest du eine Darmspülung?"
Penny: What does that mean?
Sheldon: Based on what happened next, I assume it means, "Would you like an enema?"

[edit] The Jerusalem Duality [1.12]

Sheldon: 15 years old—Dennis Kim is 15 years old, and he's already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to—you know—that other guy.
Howard: Antonio Salieri.
Sheldon: Oh, God, now even you're smarter than me.
Sheldon: Engineering—where the semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello Oompa-Loompas of science.

[edit] The Bat Jar Conjecture [1.13]

Sheldon: At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team, and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.
Leonard: Well, thanks for the heads up.
Sheldon: Oh, one more thing... It's on, bitch.
Leslie: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: [looks terrified] Leslie Winkle!
Leslie: Yeah, Leslie Winkle! The answer to the question, "Who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?".
Sheldon: Yes! Well, I'm polymerized tree sap and you're an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory and adheres to you.
Leslie: [sarcastically] Ooooh...ouch.

[edit] The Nerdvana Annihilation/The Nerdmabelia Scattering [1.14]

Leonard: [about the time machine] The lights flash, and the dish spins. You wanna try it?
Penny: No, I don't wanna try it! My God, you are grown men! How could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes, and comic books, and-and... now that-that...
Sheldon: Again—time machine.
Penny: Oh, please, that's not a time machine. If anything, it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.
Sheldon: It only moves in time. It would be less than worthless in a swamp.
Penny: Pathetic! ALL of you, COMPLETELY pathetic!
Penny: [to Leonard] Look, you are a great guy, and it is the things you love that make you who you are.
Howard: I guess that makes me large breasts.

[edit] The Shiksa Indeterminacy/The Porkchop Indeterminacy [1.15]

Leonard: So, how do you two know each other?
Missy: Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head.
Leonard: Excuse me?
Sheldon: She's my twin sister. She thinks she's funny, but frankly, I've never been able to see it.
Missy: That's because you have no measurable sense of humor, Shelly.
Sheldon: How exactly would one measure a sense of humor? A 'humormometer'?
Raj: Missy, do you enjoy pajamas?
Missy: I guess.
Raj: We Indians invented them. You're welcome.
Howard: Yeah, well, my people invented circumcision. You're welcome.
Penny: Missy I'm going to go get my nails done. Would you like to come?
Missy: God yes. Thanks.
Penny: You're welcome.

[edit] The Peanut Reaction [1.16]

Leonard: My parents focused on celebrating achievements, and my being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
Penny: That's so silly.
Sheldon: It's actually based on very sound theories; his mother published a paper on it.
Penny: What was it called, I Hate My Son and That's Why He Can't Have Cake?
Sheldon: It was obviously very effective. Leonard grew up to become an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.
Leonard: Thank you.
Howard: Well, I love birthdays: waking up to mom's special French Toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends...
Penny: Yeah! See? That's what kids should have!
Howard: Actually, that was last year...
Penny: [on phone] How about this: you keep him there a little longer, and when you get to the party, I'll point out which of my friends are easy.
Howard: [long pause] Don't toy with me, woman.
Penny: I've got a hot former fat girl with no self-esteem, I got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around, and an alcoholic who's two tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat.
Howard: Thy will be done. [Hangs up, takes out granola bar with peanuts, to which he is allergic, and looks to his crotch] I'm doing this for you, little buddy.

[edit] The Tangerine Factor [1.17]

Leonard [while Howard is teaching Sheldon Mandarin] Why are you learning Chinese?
Sheldon: I believe the Szechuan Palace has been passing off Orange Chicken as Tangerine Chicken, and I intend to confront them.
Leonard: If I were you, I'd be more concerned about what they're passing off as chicken.
[Penny comes in with an iPod in her hand.]
Penny: I need to use your window.
Leonard: Oh yeah, sure. Go ahead.
Penny: [opening the window and throwing the iPod out of it] Hey, jerkface! You forgot your iPod!
Leonard: [as Penny closes the window and starts to leave] What's going on?
Penny: Oh, I'll tell you what's going on: that stupid, self-centered bastard [her ex-boyfriend] wrote about our sex life in his blog! [going back to the window and reopening it] Drop dead, you stupid, self-centered bastard! [closing the window] Thank you. [leaves]
Sheldon: [after a short pause, wanting to go back to the Mandarin lessons] Okay, where were we?
Howard: [going to the computer] Not now. I have a blog to find.
[While Sheldon is listening a tape, Penny comes from behind and touches his shoulder, which scares him.]
Penny: Sorry, Sheldon. Do you have a second?
Sheldon: A second what? Pair of underwear?

[edit] Season 2

[edit] The Bad Fish Paradigm [2.01]

Penny: Has Leonard ever dated any regular girls?
Sheldon: Well, I assume that you're not talking about digestive regularity, because I've learned that such inquiries are inappropriate.
Penny: No, I mean has he ever dated someone who wasn't a brainiac?
Sheldon: Oh, well there was this one girl who had a PhD in French Literature.
Penny: How is that not a brainiac?
Sheldon: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.
Leonard: What do you mean, you're moving out? Why?
Sheldon: There doesn't have to be a reason.
Leonard: Yeah, there kinda does.
Sheldon: Not necessarily. This is a classic example of Münchhausen's Trilemma. Either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons leading to an infinite regression, or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements, or it's ultimately circular, i.e. I'm moving out because I'm moving out.
Leonard: I'm still confused.
Sheldon: Leonard, I don't see how I could have made it any simpler.

[edit] The Codpiece Topology [2.02]

Howard: Renaissance fairs aren't about historical accuracy. They're about taking chubby girls who work at Kinko's and lacing them up in corsets so tight their bosom jumps out and say "Howdy."
Sheldon: Bosoms would not have said "howdy" in the 15th century. If anything, they would have said "huzzah!"
Howard: I don't care what the bosoms say, Sheldon. I just want to be in the conversation.
Sheldon: Leonard is upstairs right now with my archenemy.
Penny: Your archenemy?
Sheldon: Yes: the Dr. Doom to my Mr. Fantastic, the Dr. Octopus to my Spiderman, the Dr. Sivana to my Captain Marvel...
Penny: OK, I get it, I get it...
Sheldon: You know, it's amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate schools should do a better job of screening those people out.

[edit] The Barbarian Sublimation [2.03]

[Penny sneaks into Sheldon's room while he is asleep]
Penny: [whispering] Sheldon!
[She walks up to his bed]
Penny: [whispering] Sheldon.
Sheldon: [Jerking awake] Danger! Danger!
Penny: Sheldon, it's me.
Sheldon: You're in my bedroom.
Penny: I need your help.
Sheldon: People aren't suppose to be in my bedroom.
Penny: Well, can we talk in the living room?
Sheldon: I'm not wearing any pajama bottoms.
Penny: Why?
Sheldon: I spilled grape juice.
Penny: Well, can't you put on other pajamas?
Sheldon: I can't put on other pajamas, these are my Monday pajamas! Penny, people really aren't supposed to be in my bedroom!
Sheldon: Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She's interfering with my sleep, she's interfering with my work, and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I'm sure she'd be interfering with that, too.
Leonard: Why should I do something? You're the one who introduced her to online gaming.
Sheldon: Yes, but you're the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you'd simply restrained yourself, none of this would be happening.
Leonard: Why don't you just tell her to leave you alone?
Sheldon: I did! I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic Twitter, I even changed my Facebook status to "Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone"! I don't know what else to do!
Leonard: Well, what am I supposed to to?
Sheldon: I don't know, but if you don't figure something out, I warn you, I shall become very difficult to live with!
Leonard: You mean up until now we've been experiencing the happy, fun-time Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: I'll go talk to her!

[edit] The Griffin Equivalency [2.04]

Gablehauser: Hello, boys.
Raj: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr. Koothrappali.
Leonard: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr. Hofstadter.
Sheldon: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr. Cooper.
Howard: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Mr. Wolowitz
Gablehauser: A pile of money, taller than... well taller than you [pats Howard on the head]
Howard: I have a Master's Degree
Gablehauser: Who doesn't?

[edit] The Euclid Alternative [2.05]

Sheldon: I bought these Star Wars sheets but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night's sleep. I don't like the way Darth Vader stares at me.
[Sheldon is trying Howard's driving simulator-with disastrous results]
Leonard: How did you manage to get on the second floor of the Glendale Galleria?
Sheldon: I don't know, I was on the Pasadena Freeway, missed my exit, flew off the overpass and...one thing led to another.
[Screeching tires are heard from the simulator, followed by a crash and barking and meowing]
Leonard: Awwwwww, the pet store?
Sheldon: Remind me to compliment Howard on the simulator. It's remarkably detailed.

[edit] The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem [2.06]

Sheldon: Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I, too, was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was 14, and I had already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to despite my 9 o'clock bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although it's more likely that you'll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make papier-mâché volcanoes with baking soda lava.
Leonard: Oh, good God.
Sheldon: In short, anyone who told you that you would someday be able to make some significant contribution to physics played a cruel trick on you, a cruel trick indeed. Any questions? [No one in the classroom says anything] Of course not. I weep for the future of science. Now if you excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out.
Leonard: [referring to his earlier failed experiment] That laser's starting to look pretty good now, huh?
Penny: I know this is none of my business, but I just... I have to ask — what's Sheldon's deal?
Leonard: What do you mean, "deal"?
Penny: You know, like, what's his deal? Is it girls...? Guys...? Sock puppets...?
Leonard: Honestly, we've been operating under the assumption that he has no deal.
Penny: Come on, everybody has a deal.
Howard: Not Sheldon. Over the years we've formulated a number of theories about how he might reproduce. I'm an advocate of mitosis.
Penny: I'm sorry?
Howard: I believe one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons.
Leonard: On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species and someday he'll spin a cocoon and emerge two months later with moth wings and an exoskeleton.
Penny: Okay, well, thanks for the nightmares.

[edit] The Panty Piñata Polarization [2.07]

[the guys are playing Klingon Boggle]
Howard: I have "Chorrr",
Leonard, Sheldon, Raj: Got it.
Howard: "Nekhmakh",
Leonard, Sheldon, Raj: Yep.
Howard: And "kreplach".
Raj: Hold on a second, "kreplach"?
Howard: Yeah.
Raj: That isn't Klingon, it's Yiddish for a meat-filled dumpling!
Howard: Well, as it turns out, it's also a Klingon word.
Leonard: Really? Define it.
Howard: Kreplach: a hearty, Klingon, ...dumpling.
Raj: Judge's ruling?
Sheldon: Bilurrrbe! [Klingon for "you are wrong"]
Raj: We now have the address of the Top Model house.
Howard: God bless you, Google Street View—registered trademark.
Leonard: Okay, for the record, what you guys are doing is really creepy.
Howard: You know what? If it's creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I'm creepy.

[edit] The Lizard-Spock Expansion [2.08]

Sheldon: I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.
Sheldon: Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock. It's very simple. Look -- scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
Raj: (pause)...okay. I think I got it.

[edit] The White Asparagus Triangulation [2.09]

Leonard: [sarcastically] Thank you, Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: [bewildered] You're welcome, Dr. Hofstadter?
Sheldon: Leonard! {knock-knock-knock} Leonard! {knock-knock-knock} Leonard!
Leonard: What Sheldon? What Sheldon? What Sheldon?
Sheldon: Tell me what you see here.
Leonard: The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?
Sheldon: This is Stephanie's Facebook page. Now under relationship status, what does it say?
Leonard: Stephanie Barnett is single.
Sheldon: More importantly, earlier this evening, she threw a digital sheep at some guy named Mike. Who's Mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you?
Leonard: It's just her Facebook page! And we've only been seeing each other a few weeks.
Sheldon: You don't see it, do you? We're losing her.
Leonard: OK, I'm going to make this very simple. You... are not in this relationship. I... am! Ergo, you have noooo say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie.
Sheldon: I'm afraid I can't allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104, Section A, you are deemed unfit, and I hereby relieve you of your command.
Leonard: General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.
Sheldon: Give me one good reason why not.
Leonard: Because this is not Star Trek!

[edit] The Vartabedian Conundrum [2.10]

Sheldon: Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night?
Leonard: Sometimes, I just mosey on down to the third floor and have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
Sheldon: Really? I've never once been invited to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
Leonard: She doesn't like you.

[edit] The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis [2.11]

Leonard: I have just one question for you. While I am perfectly happy with the way things are between us, you said that you didn't want to go out with me because I was too smart for you. Well, newsflash, Lady. David Underhill is ten times smarter than me. You'd have to drive a railroad spike in his brain for me to beat him at checkers. Next to him, I am like one of those sign-language gorillas who knows how to ask for grapes. So my question is, what's up with that?
Penny: [crying] Why are you yelling at me?
Leonard: Sorry! I'm sorry sorry. Never mind. We're cool.
Penny: Dave is not smarter than you. He's an idiot.
Leonard: [chuckling] Really? Why would you say that?
Penny: Because. A smart guy takes the nude photos of his wife off his cell phone before he tries to take nude photos of his girlfriend.
Leonard: He tried to take nude photos of you?
Penny: [screaming] That's what you took from that?! The guy is married!
Leonard: Oh yeah. I'm sorr...oh, that's terrible!
Penny: Sorry the napkin's dirty, he wiped his mouth with it.
Sheldon: I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?!
Penny: Well...yeah, I guess. But look, he signed it!
Sheldon: Do you realize what this means?!?! All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!
Penny: Okay, all I'm giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.

[edit] The Killer Robot Instability [2.12]

Sheldon: Your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I'm given to understand that your mother is overweight.
Raj: Oh, snap.
Sheldon: Now of course if that is a result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment.
Raj: What difference does it make, fat is fat!
Sheldon: There are boundaries!
Leonard: Barry, we can't fight you tomorrow. Our engineer is incapacitated.
Barry: What's wrong with him?
Raj: He's depressed, because he's pathetic and creepy and can't get girls.
Barry: We're all pathetic and creepy and can't get girls. That's why we fight wobots. If you're not there, you'll be subject to widicule.
Raj: [addressing Barry's speech impediment] I'm just curious, what part of America is that accent from?

[edit] The Friendship Algorithm [2.13]

Raj: Gentlemen, I put it to you: the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavor.
Sheldon: First off, that's axiomatically wrong, because the best pudding is chocolate.
Penny: What about Howard and Raj, how did he [Sheldon] become friends with them?
Leonard: I don't know...how do carbon atoms form a benzene ring? Proximity and valence electrons.
Penny: Well yeah sure, when you put it that way.

[edit] The Financial Permeability [2.14]

Sheldon: I see no large upcoming expenditures, unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with Adamantium like Wolverine.
Penny: Are they really working on that?
Sheldon: I sincerely hope so.
Leonard: [to Sheldon, Howard, and Raj, who have come to assist him in getting money that Penny's ex-boyfriend owes her] Now, we all know the plan?
Howard: Yes. Koothrapalli's going to wet himself, I'm going to throw up, Sheldon's going to run away, and you're going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?
Leonard: Excuse me, there are four of us and one of him.
Sheldon: Which means his triumph will be even larger. Minstrels will write songs about him.

[edit] The Maternal Capacitance [2.15]

[After Sheldon has described who/what he thinks Leonard is talking to/about due to Leonard's behavior while on the phone]
Sheldon: Yes, I'm definitely going with colonoscopy.
Leonard: My mother's coming for a visit.
Howard: Hey, how about that. You were right.
Leonard: Hey you want to talk not getting love from a parent, you know what I used to do when I was little to have some sensation of human contact..
Penny: Yeah, you grabbed your penis and wouldn't let go. [Pause] Your mother told me
Leonard: Of course she did. That's not what I was going to say. When I was 10 years old, I built a hugging machine.
Penny: A hugging machine?
Leonard: Yeah, I got a dressmaker's mannequin, I stuffed it with an electric blanket so it would be warm, and built two radio-controlled arms that would hug me and pat my back.
Penny: That is so sad.
Leonard: You know what the saddest part was?
Penny: What?
Leonard: My father used to borrow it.

[edit] The Cushion Saturation [2.16]

Sheldon: That is my spot. In an ever-changing world it is a simple point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function in a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, at the moment I first sat on it, would be [0,0,0,0].
Leonard: Do you know what baffles me, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Based on your academic record, a number of things, I would imagine.

[edit] The Terminator Decoupling [2.17]

Howard: [about Summer Glau] I have eleven hours with her in a confined space. Unless she's willing to jump off a moving train and tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.
[pause]
Leonard: My money's on tuck and roll.
Howard: Unlike you, I can actually talk to women when I'm sober.
Raj: You fail to take into account that even mute, I am foreign and exotic. While you, on the other hand, are frail and pasty.
Howard: Well, you know the old saying. 'Pasty and frail…never fail.'

[edit] The Work Song Nanocluster [2.18]

Howard: Hey! You know what'd be a great idea: we get some girls over here and play laser-obstacle-strip-chess...
Leonard: Believe me, Howard, any girl who would be willing to play that you don't want to see naked.
Howard: You underestimate me.
Sheldon: I'm a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.
Penny: Who's Radiohead?
Sheldon: [after twitching for a minute] I have a working knowledge of the important things.

[edit] The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition [2.19]

Howard: Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today.
Penny: Not with a thousand condoms, Howard.
Howard: So there is a number?
Penny: Okay, new topic, please.
[Penny and Alicia are fighting and rolling around on the floor]
Howard: OH MY GOD! GIRL FIGHT! [restrains Leonard]
Leonard: What are you doing??!
Howard:[venemously] I know you! You're stupid enough to break it up!

[edit] The Hofstadter Isotope [2.20]

Sheldon: I've spent the last three hours in an online debate in the DC Comics chatroom and I need your help.
Stuart: Oh, yeah, those guys can be very stubborn. What's the topic?
Sheldon: I am asserting, in the event that Batman's death proves permanent, the original Robin, Dick Grayson, is the logical successor to the Bat Cowl.
Stuart: Oooh! Sheldon, I'm afraid you couldn't be more wrong!
Sheldon: "More" wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and is not subject to gradation.
Stuart: Of course it is. It's a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable. It's very wrong to say it's a suspension bridge!
Leonard: I thought you said you were good at this! You're always talking about how you go to bars and meet women!
Howard: I do, all the time!
Leonard: Well what happened? We've been sitting here all night and the longest conversation you had was when your mom called.
Howard: Wow, you're just gonna make me come out and say it aren't you?
Leonard: Say what?
Howard: You're weighing me down! I'm a falcon who hunts better solo.
Leonard: Fine, I'll sit here, you take flight and hunt.
Howard: Don't be ridiculous, you can't just tell a falcon when to hunt!
Leonard: Actually, you can. There's a whole sport built around it. FALCONRY!
Howard: Shut up.

[edit] The Vegas Renormalization [2.21]

Howard: Grow up, Raj! There's no place for truth on the Internet.
Sheldon: What exactly does that expression mean, 'friends with benefits?' Does he provide her with health insurance?

[edit] The Classified Materials Turbulence [2.22]

Sheldon: You have to check your messages Leonard! The leaving of a message is one half of a social contract which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy!
Leonard: It must be hell inside your head.
Sheldon: [pause] At times.
Stuart: Sheldon, here is the new edition of Hellboy. It's mind blowing.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Spoiler alert!
Stuart: What?
Sheldon: You told me "it's mind blowing". So my mind goes into it "pre-blown". Once your mind is "pre-blown", it cannot be "re-blown".
Stuart: [Bewildered] I'm sorry.
Sheldon: Said the Grinch to Christmas.

[edit] The Monopolar Expedition [2.23]

Howard: You guys are seriously considering this?
Leonard: Yes!
Howard: [incredulous] And you think you can put up with Sheldon?
Raj: Well, I'm a Hindu. My religion teaches that if we suffer in this life, we will be rewarded in the next. Three months at the North Pole with Sheldon and I'm reborn as a well-hung billionaire with wings!
Penny: Leonard, I don't know what to tell you; it was just a hug.
Leonard: Glad we cleared that up.
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: I guess I'll see you.
Penny: OK, have a safe trip.
Leonard: Thank you. Bye.
Penny: Bye. [closes her door and sighs] It means I wish you weren't going.

[edit] Season 3

[edit] The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation [3.01]

[Penny starts kissing Leonard passionately the moment she sees him, after he returns from the expedition to the North Pole]
Howard: Damn it, I should've gone over and told her we're back!
Raj: [sarcastically] Yeah, it was first come, first served!
Sheldon: No, mother, I cannot feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I'm home safe does not prove that it worked. That logic is post hoc, ergo propter hoc. (lowers his voice) No, I'm not sassing you in Eskimo talk.
Penny: Can someone please tell me what's going on here??
Sheldon: What's going on?! I was led to believe that I was making ground breaking strides in science when in fact I was being fed false data at the hands of Wolowitz, Koothrappali and your furry little Boy Toy!
Penny: Is that true?
Leonard: It was the only way to make him happy.
Penny: Why did you have to make him happy?
Leonard: Because when he wasn't happy, we wanted to kill him. There was even a plan. We were going to throw his Kindle outside, and when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death!
Sheldon: That seems like a bit of an overreaction.
Leonard: No, the overreaction was the plan to tie your limbs to four different sled dog teams and yell: MUSH!!
Sheldon: What are they doing here?
Leonard: We came to apologize again and bring you home. So why don't you pack up your stuff, and we'll head back?
Sheldon: No, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over, and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists.
Mrs. Cooper: You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone's entitled to their opinion.
Sheldon: Evolution isn't an opinion, it's fact.
Mrs. Cooper: And that is your opinion.
Sheldon: (to the guys) I forgive you, let's go home.

[edit] The Jiminy Conjecture [3.02]

Howard: What's the matter? You chicken?
Sheldon: I've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.
Raj: Chickens can't climb trees.
Sheldon: Thank God.
Raj: Oooh, big talk from a man who was once treed by a chicken.
Sheldon: [Holding Flash #123] I lost this to Wolowitz in an ill-conceived cricket wager.
Penny: What, do they have Wii Cricket now? Well, that can’t be very popular.

[edit] The Gothowitz Deviation [3.03]

Sheldon: Oh Penny, it's as if the Cheesecake Factory is run by witches!
Sheldon: Interesting. Sex works better than chocolate to modify behavior. Wonder if anybody else has stumbled on to that.

[edit] The Pirate Solution [3.04]

Penny: Hey, wanna get a little crazy?
Leonard: What are you thinking?
Penny: Let's slide over to Sheldon's spot and make out.
Leonard: You are a dirty girl!
Raj: Did you know, in the Mumbai-McDonald's you can't get a Big Mac? All you can get is a Chicken Maharajah Mac. And the special sauce: Curry. Which, in India, believe me, is really not that special.
Leonard: I've always been a little confused abut this -- why don't Hindus eat beef?
Raj: We believe cows are gods.
Sheldon: Not technically. In Hinduism cattle are thought to be like gods.
Raj: Do not tell me about my own culture Sheldon! In the mood I'm in I'll take you out, I swear to cow!
Raj: So that's it. That was my last hope. I'm going to be deported. Sent home in disgrace. Exposed to the sardonic barbs of my cousin Sanjay, or as you might know him, Dave from AT&T Customer Service.

[edit] The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary [3.05]

(Howard's phone rings)
Howard: Damn, it's my mother.
Bernadette: Are you going answer it?
Howard: I'm torn. She might be dying. You know, I wouldn't want to miss that.
Bernadette: I know how you feel. My mother makes me crazy.
Howard: Not as crazy as my mother makes me.
Bernadette: Oh, yeah, does your mother call you every day at work to see if you've had a healthy lunch?
Howard: My mother calls me at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.
Sheldon: Now fetch me Wil Wheaton! bortaS bIr jablu’DI’ reH QaQqu’ nay’
Wil Wheaton: Did that guy just say 'Revenge is a dish best served cold' in klingon?
Stuart: I believe so.
Wil Wheaton: What is wrong with him?
Stuart: Everyone has a different theory.
Sheldon: I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who destroyed my dream, but I can't defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who loved his memaw. [plays his card] Enchanted Bunny.
Raj: NOOOO!!!!! Not Enchanted Bunny!
Wil Wheaton: I call my memaw "Nana," and she going to be very happy to hear my small rock kills your Enchanted Bunny. Game over, Moon Pie.
Sheldon: I...I don't understand. Your grandmother's alive?
Wil Wheaton: You catch on quick. Come on, Stewie, let's get our prize money. [Gets up and leaves]
Stuart: It was fun.
Sheldon: [a la Captain Kirk] WHEATON!!!

[edit] The Cornhusker Vortex [3.06]

Raj: You always do this, you know. You ditch me for a woman you don't have a shot with.
Howard: I totally had a shot!
Raj: With a woman you were chasing through a park? That's not a shot, that's a felony!
Sheldon: Alright, Poindexter, sit down, shut up, and listen.
Leonard: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: Oh, that's how my father always began our football conversations, and if you'd like, after the game I'll take you outside and teach you to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself
Leonard: I think I'm starting to get this.
Raj: Really? The only thing I've learned in the last two hours is that American men love drinking beer, pee too often, and have trouble getting erections.
Leonard: Focus on the game, not the commercials, Raj.
Raj: I'm just saying, maybe if people cut back on the beer, you could get out of the bathroom and satisfy your women without pharmaceutical help.

[edit] The Guitarist Amplification [3.07]

Sheldon: All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents! "Damn it, George, I told you if you didn't quit drinkin', I'd leave you!"
"Well, I guess that makes you a liar, 'cause I'm drunk as hell and you're still here!"
"Stop yelling! You're making Sheldon cry!"
"I'll tell you what's making Sheldon cry! That I let you name him Sheldon!"

[edit] Cast

[edit] External links

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