The Cleveland Show/Season 1

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The Cleveland Show is an American animated television series that premiered on September 27, 2009, as a part of the "Animation Domination" lineup on Fox in the United States. The series was created by Seth MacFarlane, Mike Henry, and Richard Appel as a spin-off from Family Guy, which was also created by MacFarlane.

The Cleveland Show and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.
Please read The Cleveland Show/Format for notes on how to use and edit this article.

Pilot[edit]

[Cleveland and Cleveland Jr. have left Quahog to mark the beginning of "The Cleveland Show"]
Stewie: What the hell? He's gettin' his own show?

Rallo: Well aren't we the Black Brady Bunch?
Cleveland: Except I'm not a gay architect, and my wife's not sleeping with my son!
[everyone laughs]
Cleveland Jr.: Not yet!

Cleveland: Ahhhh a Bear!
Tim: Ahhhh a Black Man! Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it?

Rallo: Oh I know y'all ain't leaving without making these beds.

Da Doggone Daddy-Daughter Dinner Dance[edit]

[Cleveland is in his own Men's Warehouse Commerical]
Cleveland: I'm gonna like the way I look...I guarantee it.

The One About Friends[edit]

Cleveland: Hasta la possum, baby!

Birth of a Salesman[edit]

Cleveland Jr.: No, put under the corners just like Mommy did it.
Rallo: Fuck, dude.

Cleveland Jr.: [as the group throws a joke at Cleveland Jr. as part of a comedy roast, to try and get him to cry] That's cruel without even knowing the reference.

Cleveland Jr.'s Cherry Bomb[edit]

[Federline Jones slaps Cleveland Jr.]
Cleveland Jr.: I may be a virgin, [angrily pulls on Federline's gold necklace] but I'll kick your ass if you do that again!

Priest: All across this great land, teenagers are takin' a pledge: The Purity Pledge, to hand over their virginities to their fathers, the high priests of the home.
Cleveland: Hear that? I'm the high priest of our home. I would like roast beef for dinner.
Donna: Shut the fuck up!

Cleveland: [grabs Federline's hat and hits him with it] BAD HORMONE-RIDDEN ADOLESCENT! BAD, BAD, BAD!

Ladies' Night[edit]

Cleveland: Last minute check: any chives in my teeth?
Donna: They're all over! What have you been eating?
Cleveland: Chives.

A Brown Thanksgiving[edit]

Auntie Momma: And now that my work here is done, I better leave before I turn into a blumpki.

From Bed to Worse[edit]

Roberta: I can't believe we're stuck in this motel for another night! Nothing exciting has ever happened in a D.C. hotel!
Raymond: Didn't Marion Barry get caught smoking crack at a D.C. hotel?
Roberta: Okay, yeah, but besides that.
Raymond: Didn't Reagan get shot at a D.C. hotel?
Roberta: Besides that.
Raymond: Watergate happened at a hotel, I know that.
Roberta: I know, I know.
Raymond: And didn't Eliot Spitzer--
Roberta: [cutting him off] Okay, whatever! The point is we need to go out and find a party.
Oliver: Hey, guys, I got the idea. We need to go out to find a party!
Federline: Yo, Oliver's right. There are so many bummed spots out there where I can get the crowd jumpin' with my demo! There's a fat beat on top of it, I'm going like [beatboxing], then I'd do, "Federline! Federline! JOONES!" It's hot, y'all. Peace.

A Cleveland Brown Christmas[edit]

Kendra: "You freak it you buy it." [pointing to the Christmas tree]

Donna: It's like my great grandmother used to say, "A lie is just an upside down truth."
Cleveland: What?! [to self] Can I trust Donna?

Cleveland: "Fred Peterson raped old ladies?!"

Rallo: Dear Santa: [clears throat] Fuck you and fuck Christmas.
Arianna the Bear (to Tim): This is what happens when you let a Jew run a Christmas pageant.

(after Rallo derails the toy train by putting a Santa doll on the tracks)

Reporter: Blood on the tracks in Holidaytown where for 68 passengers, a routine train ride to Gum Drop Village instead took a detour to Gum Drop country morgue. And now over to Dirk with sports.
Dirk: Better make that 2 massacres today. The Holidaytown Celebrators were shut out eight to nothing. A bad day indeed for pretend, cake figurine baseball.

Field of Streams[edit]

Cleveland: Hey Junior, watch are you watching? The Cleveland Show?

Cleveland: What are you doing up there?
Cleveland Jr.: Larry the Leopard told me to climb the bookcase.
Cleveland: Fourteen. You're fourteen! Now, get down here. I got something I want you to have.
Cleveland Jr.: Wow, number 9? I thought when you left, they retired it for good.
Cleveland: I'm Brett Favre-ing it, except I'm not being a public jagoff about it.

The Fluffers (to the tune of We Built This City by Jefferson Starship): We built this ballpark/We built this ballpark on a gay dude's ca-ash!


Principal Wally (after Raymond high-fives one of his stoner friends): Watch the height of that five. All fives must be shoulder height or below.

Love Rollercoaster[edit]

Cleveland Jr.: I've never been friends with a girl before. Is it true you guys clap your breasts together, like a seal?
Tyra: No!
Cleveland Jr.: Thanks a lot, Wikipedia.

Ms. Eck: You know, I used to be quite doable myself.
Roberta: So what happened?
Ms. Eck: I turned 30.

Lester: I got bit by the inventing bug myself. Among other bugs. And crabs.

Rallo: You'd be amazed how many people on the internet wanna meet a five-year-old boy!

Cleveland: What the hell kind of comedy high school are you going to, anyway?

Nerd: This is still pretty cool!

Nerd: Who are you?
Tyra: I'm Fat Girl.

Federline: Know what I'm sayin', Omega Moo?

Our Gang[edit]

[Cleveland shoots a hole in the ceiling, and then the ceiling cracks revealing Chris Griffin]
Chris: Hi, Cleveland!
Cleveland: Go back to Quahog!
Chris: Okay.

Buried Pleasure[edit]

Cleveland: Ah, Stoolfest! That magical time of year when hobos and drug addicts are dressed up like clowns, and allowed to operate dangerous rides!

Cleveland: [about Jane] We tried to get her to stop hitting Holt and she beat the respective craps out of us.
Donna: She... beat up all of you?
Cleveland: Well, what were we supposed to do? We can't hit a girl.
Donna: Well, I understand. I never hit a girl, either. But I will smack the white off a bitch!
[she punches Jane]
Donna: Nobody hurts my man!

Tim: Did she agree to stay away from Holt?
Cleveland: Did does it look like it, Boo-Boo?

Cleveland: I'm gonna go tell Jane to say good-bye to my little friend!

The Curious Case of Jr. Working at The Stool[edit]

Cleveland Jr.: I'm going to get evil with that candy-ass son of a motherfucking bitch.

Cleveland Jr.: MOO.

Once Upon a Tyne in New York[edit]

Cleveland: Good evening. In an effort to keep with these, our ever-changing times, tonight's episode of The Cleveland Show is presented in 2-D. If you wear glasses due to near-sightedness or astigmatism, put them on....NOW.

[Lester's limo driving away with Tyne chasing them and the kids realize they missed their ride]
Rallo: Aw, shit!

The Brown Knight[edit]

Dan Rather: Hello, I'm Dan Rather, news veteran of 44 years, now reduced to co-hosting a local talk show. Just waiting to die, really. I stopped taking my heart pills this morning, so... any day now.

Cleveland Jr.: Don't worry, Daddy. I'm gonna feed you, and wash you, and change you, just like you did when I was a baby.
Cleveland: Thank you, Junior. [whispers] Don't let him do any of those things to me, Donna!
Donna: Junior, can you give us some alone time?
Cleveland Jr.: Okay. I'll go down to peadiatrics, and look at the chicken people.

Gone with the Wind[edit]

Cleveland: Smells like a Denny's in here, but without the old man stink.
Rallo: You got that covered.
Cleveland: No, I smell like a middle-aged man: Propecia, hot wings, and night sweats from our adjustable-rate mortage, now pass those eggs.
Donna: Uh-uh. Remember what Dr. Fist said about your cholesterol?
Cleveland: Yes, he said it was "appalling" and "life-threatening". Uh, pass the eggs.
Donna: This is your breakfast, Cleveland. The same breakfast you've been eating for the past two weeks.
Cleveland: More twigs?
Donna: Fiber Twigs-The cereal that lowers your cholesterol.
Cleveland: Aah! I got a splinter!
Roberta: 'Cause you got a mouthful of wood, like usual.
Cleveland: Huh? Oh.
[both Roberta and Cleveland laugh. Then Cleveland pushes Roberta and grabs her plate of food]

Rallo: Heat rises, I smell nothing!
[Cleveland Jr. lifts him up]
Rallo: AH! AAHHHHH!

Brotherly Love[edit]

Cleveland: You were the best bitch I ever had.
Terry: And you were one cold pimp.
Cleveland: Thanks. I'm sorry I set you up with all those men.

Donna: Where did you get that huge wad of cash?
Cleveland: What? A man can't sneak into his house in the middle of the night, carrying a huge, suspicious-looking wad of cash, without his wife nagging him? Geez!

Cleveland Jr.: [to Chanel] Sorry he's so cranky. He stayed up until 7:15 last night.
Rallo: Oh, that's nice! Anyone else wanna pile it on?
Donna: Rallo, are you bothering the big kids? Come here, it's time for your diarrhoea medicine.
[Cleveland Jr. and Chanel laugh]
Rallo: [to Cleveland Jr.] You are gonna get it, buffalo butt!
Donna: What did you call me?
Rallo: No, not you, mo-[Donna grabs his ear] Aaaarrggh!

Chanel: [sighs] This is so hard. I don't know how to find a se-can't of a triangle.
Cleveland, Jr.: Well. Hold on then, se-can't. [laughs, then Chanel joins in]
Roberta: Hey, is that Chanel Williams chopping it up with my steppitty-bro?
Gabriel Friedman: I think you mean step-brizzle. [he and Roberta laugh. they all laugh until Cleveland comes in]
Cleveland: [bursts the door open] There's been a gas leak!
[Cleveland, Jr., Chanel, Roberta and Federline keep laughing until he pushes them out]
Contractor: Leave the batteries in your carbon monoxide detector from now on.
Cleveland: When your wife says she'll use them in front of you, you find some batteries.
[they both laugh]

Brown History Month[edit]

Rallo: I'll just go ahead and be one of the other black presidents. Actually, I want to be the first black president. Who was it?
Mrs. Lowenstein: Rallo, Barack Hussein Obama is the first black president.
Rallo: What? Washington wasn't black?
Mrs. Lowenstein: No.
Rallo: Jefferson?
Mrs. Lowenstein: No.
Rallo: If Rutherford B. Hayes wasn't a brother, I don't know what's up!

Cleveland's Angels[edit]

Cleveland: I just keep winning! I feel like a homeowner before 2008 (no jobs)!

Holt: I'm riding through them dirt roads and let me show you how I work them dirt hoes.

You're the Best Man, Cleveland Brown[edit]

[Peter and Quagmire appear at the end of the episode during Freight Train and Cookie's wedding]
Quagmire: Well, they made it through the whole season. Now can I have my own show, Peter?
Peter: Quagmire, you're a rapist.
[Quagmire mutters]

External links[edit]