The Daily Show
- You know what, it's okay. If Bill O'Reilly needs to have an enemy, he needs to feel persecuted, you know what, here's my Kwanzaa gift to him: [a Christmas-themed holly border appears on the screen] I'm your enemy; make me your enemy. I, Jon Stewart, hate Christmas, Christians, Jews, morality! And I will not rest until every year families gather to spend December 25th together at Osama's Homobortion Pot and Commie Jizzporium.
- December 7, 2005, after Bill O'Reilly described Stewart as the enemy of Christmas.
- Thanks for that "Merry Christmas," Bill. And let me say to you, and the entire O'Reilly clan...Feliz Navidad. Though I'm betting you think that's becoming too prevalent in this country as well.
- If, god forbid, some coordinated terrorist attack leads to the deaths of the first seven people in line to succeed the President—the Vice President, Speaker of the House, the President pro tem of the Senate, the Secretaries of State, Treasury, and Defense, and the Attorney General—if, god forbid, that were to happen, would you really want the guy who took over to be the one who was in charge of their security? And that's tonight's "Nnnggehhh...!"
- July 15, 2003, on a motion to move the Secretary of Homeland Security to eighth on the presidential line of succession.
- I want you to know, after this, the senator and I are going to Hooters to get completely hammered.
- After a mildly uncomfortable interview about the War in Iraq with Senator John McCain.
- Six, six, oh six... Day of the devil? Or regular numerical sequence?! [thunder claps and lightening flashes ominously]
Here's the thing about all the hype on the news and the marketing tie-ins, etc.: it's not 6/6/6, it's 6/6/06. It's not even 6/6/06, it's 6/06/2006. You think god's gonna send the Four Horsemen based on a typo?! It's not happening. Forty years ago was 6/6/66, then you might have had something right there. That would've been the time. The only it was really 6/6/6 was June 6 in the year 6, which, at the time, wasn't even called 6. All I'm saying is if you think we're all going to Hell today, I can't even imagine where you think we're going on July 11th. Yes, yes, it is prophesied in the Book of Leviticus that the beefs shall be jerkied and the gulps shall be big.
- June 6, 2006
- So, to sum up, it'll take two thirds of both houses and three quarters of the states to approve an amendment saying that two straight parents are better than one straight parent, which is still better than two gay parents, which is equal to a guy screwing a turtle.
- On Rick Santorum's comparison of sodomy to a man having sex with a turtle.
- That look is where boners go to die.
- On Hillary Clinton's glowering at the State of the Union address.
- Jake Gyllallen … Gillenen … Gillally … tripped on one of his syllables and broke his coccyx.
- Regarding Jake Gyllenhaal's last-minute cancellation on a Daily Show interview.
- With the situation in Iraq growing ever more dangerous, the thirty-four-member Coalition of The Willing are, one by one, dropping out to join the other coalition known as Most of The Rest of The World.
- After going to war against the UN's expressed wishes, the US is now admitting it needs the UN's help. It's the geopolitical equivalent of the 2am phone call every parent dreads: Mom, I'm not saying I wrecked the car, but I need a ride home.
- Russia held its parliamentary elections last week. The result: it decided to go with a dictatorship.
- The judgment marks a key victory for the recording industry, in its aggressive battle against poor high school students and fun.
- Regarding the lawsuit against Napster.
- This is what happens when you take away Napster.
- Regarding an increase in college crime rates.
- Why does listening to John Ashcroft make me feel like the world's already ended? I mean, if we're gonna be warned about terrorism, can we be warned by someone who makes you want to survive?
- Someone asked me if I bought duct tape. And I said no. Because if I buy duct tape, the terrorists win.
- Do you really think they have chemical weapons stronger than living next to New Jersey?
- Right now, I feel like the whole world is looking at us funny, like our Constitution makes us look fat.
- Don't you see the problem our country is having? I'm making sense and the President isn't.
- As the footage of what's going on in Iraq captures everybody's attention, one question naturally leaps to mind: How's the market doing?
- I think that, out of all the ways to protest, that is the bravest. Lying down on a New York City street. Because people will run over you and not even think twice.
- A humble and gracious host. America. Don't make us bomb you.
- The Saddam statue was pulled down in Baghdad. Clearly, it was a great moment. Jubilant crowd, very heart-warming to see this. There's a lot of work to be done yet, but amongst all that joy, I think we all need to pause and remember something. Somewhere in Iraq is a sculptor who worked very hard on that statue.
- Although ABC owned the rights to the debate, they did not televise it live, choosing instead to let it air on C-SPAN last night. Meaning not only did nobody watch it, the Democrats alienated the five people who were tuned in hoping to see the cleaning of the House of Commons.
- Joe Lieberman. The candidate for people who wanna vote for Bush but don't think he's Jewish enough.
- Honestly, if a disaster occurs and your first instinct is to call the White House, the disaster is the least of your problems.
- No matter what side of the political spectrum you are on, if you are incapable of feeling at least a tiny amount of joy at watching ordinary Iraqis celebrate this, you are lost to the ideological left. And let me also add if you are incapable of feeling badly that we even had to use force in the first place, you are ideologically lost to the right. And I would implore both of those groups to leave the room now.
- On the U.S. overthrow of Saddam Hussein.
- It's as though there's only two positions you can have: You're either for the war or against the troops.
- On U.S. involvement in Iraq.
- The official CIA report, the Duelfer Report, has come out. The one that they've been working on for the past two years that will be the definitive answer on the weapons of mass destruction programs in Iraq, and it turns out, uh, not so much. Apparently, there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and their capabilities had been degraded, and they pretty much stopped trying anything in '98. Both the president and the vice president have come out today in response to the findings and said that they clearly justify the invasion of Iraq. So, uh, some people look at a glass and see it as half full, and other people look at a glass and say that it's a dragon.
- Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here's another idea for avoiding the flu: Don't stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people.
- Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
- Ralph Nader chose the man with whom to share the responsibility of running a distant third, California activist Peter Camejo. You may remember that Camejo ran for president in 1976 on the Socialist Workers Party ticket. Actually, you might only remember that if you run a lesbian vegetarian bookstore.
- France, c'mon girl, don't be an invader hater.
- After a long investigation the SEC has fined Halliburton $7.5 million for issuing fraudulent statements exaggerating their profits in 1998 and 1999 during which their CEO was — oh who was it? Oh that's right. ... Cheney himself has not been implicated in the scandal and according to Cheney's lawyer there is no allegation whatsoever that he acted in any way other than in the best interests of the company and its shareholders. And you know what? It's still true today.
- Dude, I'm no lawyer, but you gotta invoke something: the Fifth Amendment, executive privilege, writ of douchebaggery, something...
- On John Ashcroft refusing to turn over an important memo to a Congressional committee without invoking anything.
- Values like burning as much gas as you can so you can drive around an oval for hours.
- On President Bush's speech on NASCAR's promotion of values.
- Last night, the Republican faithful were angry. After four years of being in charge of the House, Senate, Supreme Court and Executive branch, they were not gonna take it anymore. Yeah! Down with the people who are already down!
- On the 2004 GOP convention.
- It is a powerful indictment. Or rather, it would be had any of those guys actually served on Kerry's boat. See, by "served with him", they mean they were in Vietnam at the time. Kinda the same way the Snoopy served with the Red Baron.
- On the Swift Boat Veterans For Truth, who had attacked Kerry's military service record.
- Despite reports that John Kerry was wounded three times in Vietnam, it was revealed today that he was only wounded twice. So in other words, he's a pussy.
- So let me get this straight, you control the White House, both Houses of Congress, and the Supreme Court, and your administration has closer ties to the energy industry than any administration in history, and those two blockheads stopped you?
- On Dick Cheney blaming the defeat of an energy bill on the absence of Kerry and Edwards to vote on it.
- We begin tonight with a simple, indisputable fact: as a young man, President George W. Bush benefited from family connections to get a place in the Texas Air National Guard, thus avoiding service in Vietnam. As you would guess, this has led to calls for the resignation of Dan Rather.
- On a personal note, I'm a comedian who makes fun of what I believe to be the absurdities of our government. Make my life difficult. Make this next four years really shitty for me, so that every morning all we can do is come in and go, Madonna is doing some Kaballah thing, you wanna do that? I'd like that. I'm tired.
- Speaking to his audience just prior to the 2004 presidential election.
- So if you were wondering just how sick you have to be for Congress to improve your health care...
- Regarding Terri Schiavo.
- It should be mentioned that the only other people the US has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam and his two sons.
- On the military's asking Geraldo Rivera to leave Iraq.
- You've probably heard the news, unless you were in a hole, in which case, you were probably the guy we caught.
- On the capture of Saddam Hussein.
- Al Gore's endorsement of Howard Dean came as a surprise to nobody, except Gore's former running mate, Joe Lieberman. He found it pretty damn surprising.
- Today is the 100th anniversary of the Wright Brothers' flight at Kitty Hawk. Today, they tried to do a re-creation of that historic flight... and it didn't work. That's like doing a Civil War reenactment and having the South win.
- Yesterday the White House unveiled a plan to deal with terrorist attacks on Election Day. It's part of a program where the President, under certain circumstances, could declare himself Caesar.
- First, secular Jews don't control Hollywood. Overrepresentation in Hollywood is not the same as control; if secular Jews controlled it, I'd be on a network and Leno, Letterman, and O'Brien would be on the Animal Planet - you understand what I'm saying? Second, Hollywood doesn't like anal sex. It loves anal sex. I'm telling you, you cannot go to a restaurant there without getting sodomized. And might I add: they know what they're doing.
- In response to the president of the Catholic League's statement that Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews and "likes anal sex".
- The new Airbus plane, the A380, is capable of holding 800 passengers. Or, 400 Americans.
- Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
- There is near-universal consensus that the melting is due to global warming, though the Bush administration counters that the ice caps are not melting; rather, the water has been liberated.
- After the game, a jubilant striker Cobi Jones took his shirt off in celebration. Not to be outdone, defender Frankie Hejduk took his shirt off! Then these guys took their shirts off, and then these guys did this...
- [A picture of the players embracing, one "higher" than the other, appears on screen, spurring laughs from the audience]
- Uh, I, uh...I don't know what to say! Extended coverage of the game will be presented later on a very special Daily Show: After Dark!
- [Sexy music begins to play]
- Oh...oh yeah, soccer: the world's game. [under his breath] Uh, I had to do that.
- According to a recent study in the Journal of the American Medical Association, overweight Americans - seen here from the neck down so they don't sue us - are growing in number, so much so that eating too much food will soon surpass smoking as the number one preventable cause of death in America... ironically the number three preventable cause of death... smoked food. [pause] DAMN YOU, CANADIAN BACON!
- Jon Stewart: ...I believe at this point you all know the rules...
(video of a Democratic presidential candidates' debate)
Voice: ...and if the answer should go over the candidates and all of us will hear a (bell rings) sound.
Stewart: (back to him now) All right, clear enough...co-moderator Peter Jennings, why don't you begin?
Peter Jennings (in video): I'm going to start by naming Senator Kerry. Senator, Democrats everywhere tell us that they want to nominate a man that will not be beaten by President Bush...
(bell rings, video goes to a listening Kerry while Jennings continues to talk as more bells ring from seemingly nowhere)
(Jennings continues to ask, the bell rings even further...then joined by an airhorn, then both together. Return to Stewart, and he's ringing the bell and sounding the airhorn)
Stewart: (annoyed) Let him fuckin' answer the question!
(continues to ring the bell and sound the horn)
Stewart: ...for god's sake!
- [Regarding a CNN anchor's unwillingness to challenge a guest who used phony statistics to prove a point.]
Why don't you call them on their bullshit?! You're an anchor for fuck's sake!
- [In a heated discussion with Bill Bennett concerning gay marriage]
Divorce is not caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.
- (after listening to a politician allude that murder is only hypothetically illegal)
Jon: Murder is LEGAL?!... Excuse me a minute.
(leaves the studio, with the camera following)
Jon: Hobo, hobo, gotta find me a hobo!
(later, after beating up a hobo and then hearing someone off-screen shout to him that murder is, in fact, illegal, and then returning to the studio, breathing heavily)
Jon: ...I sure hope nobody was videotaping that.
- ...Because at this moment, I'm declaring April 25th, fuck the earth day!
- If America leads a blessed life, then why did god put all of our oil under people who hate us?
- Seriously, the House of Representatives is full of insane jackasses.
- However, for the record, The Daily Show has absolutely no affiliation with the North American Man/Boy Love Association... or, as it's called, UNICEF.
- [about North Korea testing a nuclear bomb] It sparked the kind of panic usually reserved for taking two ounces of hand sanitizer on a flight to Ottawa.
- [to guest Reza Azlan] How fucked would you say the situation in the Middle East is, on a scale from "fucked" to "fuuuuuuuuuucked"?
- [on Congressman Virgil Goode's comment that "the Virgil Goode position on immigration" would keep Muslims from controlling Congress]
For those of you unfamiliar with the Virgil Goode Position, in the Kama Sutra it's where a man masturbates while his head is up his own ass.
- (After Jon serves tea and Twinkies to President Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan)
Jon: How is the tea? Good?
Musharraf: Oh, yes. (nods and begins to take another sip)
Jon: (in mid-sip) Where's Osama Bin Laden?
- Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
- In their bathrobes! Gambling in their bathrobes! Yes, because casinos have such high standards. Ever been to a casino? You can play naked if you want. You can masturbate at the roulette table. Just keep giving them money.
- July 12, 2006, in response to a senator's criticism that people can gamble online in their bathrobes.
- Speculation: news you can use, eventually.
- This morning, prompted by increasing concerns about terrorism, oil prices reached a record high as the cost of a barrel of crude is a whopping $44.34. Wow, it seems shocking that a product of finite supply gets more expensive the more we use it.... Now the terror alert means higher oil prices, which oddly enough means higher profits for oil companies giving them more money to give to politicians whose policies may favor the oil companies such as raising the terror alert level. As Simba once told us — it's the circle of life.
- The Bushes hosted their predecessors at the White House yesterday, for the official unveiling of Bill and Hillary Clinton's White House portraits. The occasion moved the current commander in chief to a rare show of gracious bipartisanship.... Bush then handed the mic over to Clinton. It's been a long time since this skilled orator spoke in the White House. I'm sure he's got some profound words to share.... [clip of Clinton: 'All those kind and generous you said, made me feel like I was a pickle stepping into history.'] ... Uhhh, I don't get that at all. As a matter of fact, if I remember correctly, your pickle's already stepped into history.
- I guess the people I feel worst for are Carter and Ford. Because they have to be watching all this thinking, we're not getting that.
- On media coverage of Ronald Reagan's death.
- There is good news tonight for Ahmed Chalabi. It turns out that all along he was providing accurate, truthful, helpful information. Unfortunately, it was to Iran.
- If you're keeping score at home, so far our war in Iraq has created a police state in that country and socialism in Spain. So, no democracies yet, but we're really getting close.
- Some see the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others see it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President Dick Cheney will never have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding.
- On Bush's proposal for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage.
- The White House released documents it claims validate the President's (National Guard) service.... When deciphered, the documents showed that in a one-year period, 1972 and 1973, Bush received credit for nine days of active National Guard service. The traditional term of service then and now for the National Guard is one weekend a month and two full weeks a year, meaning that Bush's nine-day stint qualifies him only for the National Guard's National Guard. That's the National Guard's National Guard, an Army of None.
- Throughout his life, General Wesley Clark has stood up to some tough opponents. He battled the Viet Cong and went toe-to-toe with Slobodan Milosevic. But today the retired four-star general capitulated to the fiercest enemy he's ever confronted: the American voter.
- If there was one lesson to be drawn from Bush's appearance, it's that he doesn't have to be forthcoming or honest. And he's the first to tell you why. [Bush:] "I'm a war president." [Stewart:] He added: "I guess I should have told you that back in 2000."
- During his trip, Wolfowitz took a positive view of the peril he put the troops in, noting 'The more successful we are, the more we can expect them to go after those things that represent success.' Does this guy know how to motivate the troops or what? Apparently the best way to measure our accomplishments is to witness the destruction of our accomplishments.
- On Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz's trip to Iraq.
- Critics have noted Schwarzenegger's only previous government experience was serving under President Bush Senior as Chairman of the Council on Physical Fitness, a largely symbolic office, where Schwarzenegger's only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was going to do anyway.
- Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted "Bingo!" counted as a yea or a nay.
- If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American — our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.
- [President Bush] recently challenged Iraqi soldiers still fighting U.S. troops like so: "My answer is bring 'em on." For those of you who may be criticizing Bush for acting like a movie cowboy, let me remind you: he's actually acting more like a movie cheerleader.
- Bush advisers have long been worried that a lagging economy could hamper the President's re-election chances. They hope that the Cabinet shake-up will provide a needed jolt. If that doesn't work, North Korea has to go.
- Over the last several weeks, several of TV's so-called armchair generals, of which there are many, along with many of the Army's so-called real generals, have been openly critical of the U.S. military planning. Donald Rumsfeld's frustration with these critics boiled over at a press conference earlier this week. Rumsfeld said the only way you're going to be able to get people to believe something is true is if you print it up two million times and drop it from airplanes.
- Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld had a press conference at the Pentagon. If you listen to him speak, it really makes you wonder what the fuck he's thinking. [Shows clip of Rumsfeld threatening to hold Syria and Iran accountable for hostile acts against the U.S.] Do you see what he just did there? We're in the middle of a war, and he's starting another war. We're already fighting Iraq and he's like, 'Syria, you want a piece?' ...There is nothing like a cantankerous old man who takes a hey-you-kids-get-off-my-lawn approach to foreign policy. The guy's literally just like a drunk swinging a broken bottle at people. 'Hey, Netherlands, you looking at me?'
- In Iraq, the U.S. military's whack-a-mole approach to killing Saddam Hussein may have finally paid off. The bombs destroyed the area and left behind a 60-foot crater, or as coalition forces prefer to call it, a freedom hole.
- Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army: when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.
- President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported [him] by voting for Nader.
- Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form of affirmative action because, as a C student, he only got into Yale because his father was a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam is a menace and must be stopped.
- Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting.
- Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only one nagging question: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records?
- We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext for invading Iraq. There's just one problem — it's in North Korea.
- President Bush delivered his first State of the Union address, riding high on an 82 percent approval rating, and with Attorney General John Ashcroft dispatching agents to interview the other 18 percent.
- As time goes on it has become apparent that President Bush has developed a sophisticated exit strategy...for getting out of questions about an exit strategy.
- [George W. Bush video overlay:] Ambassador Randy Tobias, who is the U.S. Global AIDS Coordinator, and has done a heck of a job. [Stewart:] Where have we heard that before? [Bush:] Brownie, you're doin' a heck of a job. [Stewart:] Oh my god, we've all got AIDS!
- President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.
- Analysis of President Bush's tax plan has revealed that several elaborate tricks and gimmicks were used to make it look like a $1.35 trillion cut, but in reality it's going to be closer to costing $1.8 trillion. Critics claim it's math so fuzzy, you have to squint to see our nation's future of subsistence farming and post-apocalyptic roving motorcycle gangs.
- The final margin in the state of Florida: 5 votes to 4 votes. The thing about that, it's an 11 percent victory margin for George W. Bush ... but it looks like one of the most surprising things about this Florida vote is that George W. Bush got 100 percent of the African-American vote.
- On the U.S. Supreme Court ruling in Bush v. Gore, with Justice Clarence Thomas voting with the majority.
- The two candidates were said to have spent the evening poring over the complex and detailed Supreme Court ruling. But whereas Gore was poring over it with his eyes and mind, Bush was pouring a glass of juice over it because, quote, "I don't want to finish my juice."
- The George W. Bush era begins. Ralph Nader says, "Stop looking at me like that."
- [Bush video overlay:] I was not elected to serve one party [Stewart:] You were not elected.
- '[Bush video overlay:] I have something else to ask you, to ask every American. I ask you to pray for this great nation. [Stewart:] We're way ahead of you.
- It is right now 10:04 on the East Coast. We are here at Prelude to a Recount. We are seeing record turnout across the nation on this election day, certainly a momentous occasion. The closest election that we have seen in ... about four years, quite frankly. It's pretty much the same thing as last time.... Except this time the world is watching, and, quite frankly, in Iraq tonight they're going, you invaded us to bring us this?
- Now, on the subject of the convention, most observers agreed last week brought a newly energized Democratic Party, one focused on a common goal. With the party now in the spotlight, many people are wondering ... [a pause, as he is handed a piece of paper] Oh. Terror warning. Guess I'll have to stop talking about the Democrats.
- Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge made that critical leap from 'be afraid' to 'be very afraid,' raising the terrorist threat level to orange for financial sectors in New York, Washington, D.C., and northern New Jersey.... Ridge's announcement comes amidst reports he will step down as head of Homeland Security after the election. Ridge himself has refused to comment on the story, though colleagues say he has often expressed a desire to spend more time at home, scaring his family.
- And the big convention kickoff. Monday's theme: 'The Kerry-Edwards plan for America's future.' It was a powerful message lacking only Kerry, Edwards, and a plan for America's future. In its stead: dance party!
- In what will have to pass as the convention's biggest surprise, Ron Reagan, Jr., son of the recently sainted Republican president, will address the convention on the subject of stem cell research. The Republican attack machine has already countered by announcing their convention's keynote address will be delivered by Roger Clinton on the subject of, 'I Thought You Said There'd Be Girls Here.'
- The prisoner scandal is yet another election-year problem for President Bush. And with the economy still struggling, combat operations in Iraq dragging on, and the 9/11 hearings revealing damning information, even an opponent of limited political skill should be able to capitalize on those problems. The Democrats, however, chose to nominate John Kerry.
- Insiders have begun voicing serious concerns about how he's conducting his campaign. One aide told the New York Times that while Bush's message of 'steady leadership' has remained consistent, Kerry has gone through six different messages in the 18 months he's been running, including, at one particularly desperate juncture, 'Kerry: Health care jobs for the troops' environment.'
- Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?
- GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerry's wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of the people, and reveal him to be a bit of a fat cat. Unlike the President who — as we all know — before attending Andover and Yale, was a Cockney matchstick girl dying of tuberculosis.
- The issue of Kerry's military service has spawned a number of recent news-like events which have led to Republican charges the decorated war hero has something to hide. Because if there is one thing the Bush administration will not tolerate, it is ... other people's secrecy.
- If there's one thing we learned from our last presidential election, it's that democracy is far too important to rely on an outdated, error-prone system like punchcard ballots. So, as we gear up for the 2004 vote, many communities have moved on to electronic voting — a far more high-tech, error-prone system.
- Of course, it is still eight months to election day, but the campaign is starting to fall into its own natural rhythm: falsely macho Kerry comment, falsely indignant Bush response.
- If Howard Dean is still limping along, other campaigns have collapsed, with the last sign of Joementum fading. Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman, who was banking everything on, and I kid you not, a strong showing in Delaware, took last night's 0-7 performance as a sign that the game was finally over.
- In South Carolina, Senator John Edwards won handily, fulfilling his promise to win every state he was born in.
- When did our elections become the Special Olympics? You're not all winners. Not everyone gets a hug. You guys got crushed.
- On the exuberant losers of the New Hampshire primary.
- We have to tape this show around 6 o'clock, 6:30, so we're not positive of the exact results, but I really can confidently predict the following: today, voters in seven states, from North Dakota to New Mexico, humored Joe Lieberman, ignored Dennis Kucinich, reminisced about Howard Dean, and admired Clark's hustle, but still found him too creepy.
- Elsewhere in New Hampshire, Senator Joe Lieberman withered today and remained optimistic till the end.... He then snapped, "Shut up, Hadassah, you're ruining my Joementum."
- Much of John Kerry's recent surge has come at the expense of Howard Dean. The situation is reflected in his hot new bumper sticker, 'Dated Dean, Married Kerry.' It's cute, and a lot more tasteful than the alternative version, 'Dated Dean, Married Kerry, Finger-Banged Kucinich.'
- Last night we had Carol Moseley Braun on the program. She's explaining to me why she should be the next president of the United States. I get home that night, check the Internet, and she dropped out of the race.... My guess is this whole presidential run was a ruse to get on this program. Gore did the same thing.
- Spain's new Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero announced he will soon call back Spain's 1,300 troops from Iraq — meaning the Coalition of the Willing is fast turning into a Duet of the Stubborn.
- Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the Coalition of the Willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.
- There was a lot of confusion over whether a new Pope had yet been elected [clips of news broadcasts, comments on the smoke from the chimney]. What is their job? Are they literally just sitting there, drunk in their pajamas, "Let's see what CNN's got." [pause] That's my job! But seriously, there's gotta be a better way of indicating that they've decided [clip from Mary Poppins: the chimney-sweeps dancing amongst the chimneys, singing, etc.].
- Everytime someone says 'Happy Holidays', an angel gets AIDS.
- You know if I had a nickel for everytime Bush has brought up 9-11...I could raise enough reward money to go catch Bin Laden!
- 9/11 references are like Lay's potato chips...no Congress can make just one.
- You know, I hear what you're all saying, but doesn't elite mean good? Is that not something we're looking for in a President anymore? You know what candidates, come with me. I know that elite is a "bad word" in politics, and you want to go bowling and "throw back" a few beers, but the job you're applying for, if you get it and it goes well, THEY MIGHT CARVE YOUR HEAD INTO A MOUNTAIN. If you don't actually think you're better than us, then WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
- They say that some leaders are born great, some achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust upon them, and then there's this guy. [cuts to video of George Bush] Who couldn't buy great at a great store that was going out of business and had to get rid of all their great.
- See, all of this "real America" and "fake America" can get a little hard to figure out. For instance, you may live in a small town, where they make good people, but you live in a gay state, like Massachusetts—are you real or are you fake? Or you may live in a big city, but you still have a healthy mistrust of Muslims. So for those of you who are confused as to whether or not you're a real American, it's quite simple. Let me see if I can help you out. [pulls out a dry-erase board and writes the following equation] Just multiply your town's population (P) by the average price of a local cup of coffee (picture of coffee cup), plus its number of art-house movie theaters (house), times the number of streets named after Martin Luther King, Jr. (MLK); then divide by the number of pieces of identification you need to buy a Sudafed in your town (pill), times the number of people who wear trucker hats in your town minus the actual number of truckers (trucker hat), multiply that by 1 over the houses of worship—not counting synagogues, of course (cross)—minus the number of bars in your town. That's supposed to be a bottle. If the answer equals less than 10, congratulations, odds are very good that you're a real American.
- On Sarah Palin's comments on how small towns are "real America"
- I kinda had just read the statement that Sarah Palin had made about the Pro-America parts of the country and I think I might have said, in response to that, I think I might have said, uhh, FUCK YOU and uhh that's just my way of saying it's a profanity to say and I was answering with a profanity. But it's not really fair, and it makes it seem like I'm just addressing Governor Palin about this and I'm not. It's really this whole theme, that there is more American areas or some people love the country and some people don't. So I guess what I meant to say was Fuck all y'all!
- Named the Nutmeg state because, while it is nice to have, it is clearly never essential.
- On Connecticut.
- If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values, they're hobbies.
- Commenting on Bill O'Reilly's words, "I didn't like the line in the speech about 'We don't have to compromise our values to protect ourselves.' I think sometimes we do."
- "You know what I love about you? You're fucking insane!"
- To astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson
- "Listen, there are four places to land safely in New York; JFK, LaGuardia, Newark and the Hudson River. Ground Zero, stay the Fuck out!"
- In response to the Air Force One photo op controversy
- Please stop calling people "Hitler" when you disagree with them. It demeans you, it demeans your opponent, and, to be honest, it demeans Hitler. That guy worked too many years, too hard, to be that evil, to have any Tom, Dick, and Harry come along and say, "hey, you're bein' Hitler." No, you know who was Hitler? Hitler!
- [after a news anchor announces that half the population of Yemen is under 15] Have we thought about deploying Hannah Montana?
- [talking about Gretchen Carlson] Baby, Gretchen, come back. You don't have to stash your IQ in an offshore account.
- "I went to this place, 'Crossfire,' which is a nuanced public debate show named after the stray bullets that strike and kill innocent bystanders during a gang fight. So I go to 'Crossfire' and, let's face it, I was dehydrated, it's the Martin Lawrence defense... and I had always in the past mentioned to friends and people I meet on the street that I think that show blows. So I thought it was only the right thing to do to go and say it to them personally on their program... but here's the thing about confronting someone with that on their show... they're there ... uncomfortable... And they were very mad, because apparently, when you invite someone on a show called 'Crossfire' and you express an opinion, they... they don't care for that... I told them that I thought their show was hurting America and they came back at me pretty good, they said I wasn't being funny. I then said, 'I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow.'"
- Recapping his experience on the Oct. 14, 2004 edition of Crossfire
- IOWA?! Iowa says banning gay marriage is unconstitutional? This was last year's Iowa Gay Pride parade. [Shows clip from "The Straight Story", with Alvin Straight riding a lawn mower on a country road] They are the aortic valve of the heartland of America. They are now officially more progressive than California.
See also: The Colbert Report
- It used to be that our elected officials were veterans of World War II, Vietnam, or the Civil Rights Movement. But with the election of Jesse Ventura in Minnesota and Arnold Schwarzenegger in California, I foresee a day when all our leaders will come from the movie Predator. Think about it. Governor Carl Weathers. No wait: Senator Predator. I bet he has some pretty interesting things to say about tort reform.
- Well, Jon, The great jousting tournament that is Election Day draws nigh, the prize the building you see behind me, Castle Congress. But what side shall prevail in this epic electoral tilt? Who shall control the future of Fortress America? Will we be, as the Republicans desire, a nation of wealthy heavily armed white men, befouling the air and water in a ceaseless quest for profits, beholden to no laws but those of our lord and savior Jesus Christ? Or shall we instead embrace the Democrats' vision of a namby-pamby quasi-Socialist Republic with an all-homosexual army flamboyantly defending a citizenry suckling at the foul teat of government welfare? The choice is yours, fair maiden America, for the name of this feudal system is Democracy.
- What kind of madman refuses to produce evidence that he doesn't have what he said he didn't? Saddam had to be taken out or who knows what else he might not have done? It's imaginable.
- What really excites me about this revelation is that it lowers the standard for the next invasion. Before, the standard was imminent danger. Now the standard is "What are you lookin' at? You lookin' at me? 'Cause my friend says you're lookin' at me and there's nobody else here so I guess you're looking at me!"
- Colbert's segment "So You're Living In A Police State," a lampoon on the Patriot Act, opens with a slightly bird's-eye-view of Colbert entering his bathroom, as he whistles nonchalantly and urinates. He then turns to the camera in surprise.
Oh, hi! I didn't see you there in the sprinkler head!
- Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
- Sounds like you need...a truth injection.
- Where I say whatever's on my mind...and a few things that aren't.
- Look, nobody I know has ever been killed by a landmine...how bad could it be? (presses a button on the phone) Chicago!
- Stephen Colbert: Senator Kerry, you have sixty seconds.
Sen. John Kerry: Well any vote that...
Colbert (cuts in): Monkey!
(the old clip of a monkey washing a cat is shown as Kerry talks)
- That is a childish argument and people like you need to grow up. Oh, what are you going to do now, cry?
- Said to a toddler in a "commercial" for the then-fictitious Colbert Report.
- ...or did I just blow your mind?.
- "Where was I going to find a Jew at a Democratic Convention?"
- [After Geraldo Rivera and Bill O'Reilly criticised the show] "What are you implying Jon? That O’Reilly and Geraldo are narcissists enthralled in their own overblown egos - projecting their own petty insecurities on to the world around them, inventing false enemies for the sole purpose of bolstering their sense of self-importance, itty bitty Nixons minus the relevance or a hint of vision? How dare you?!"
- [screaming at Steve Carell in an "Even Stephen" segment] I hate you! I hate who you are and what you do and how you sound and what you say! You're like a cancer on my life! God!
- [refering to soccer] It is the metric system of sports. We don’t need it, we don’t want it and, you know what? It kind of creeps me out
- Threat, Jon? Threat? Tread carefully, newsman, lest your impudence embroil you in the coming battle tide. For the day is nigh when the armies of Rove shall come alive to claim their due. For lo! it has been foretold that the son of the forty-first king shall himself twice be crowned! The treasuries will be emptied! The ads unleashed! And the blue states will run red with the hundred million dollars of hellfire and retribution!
- I was subpoenaed, Jon, but I pled the sixth. That threw them for a loop.
- We won. Rebuilding is for losers. Time to party. And then it's off to Syria for the next invasion.
- Far out, Steve! Groovy point, man, you're blowing my mind! Face it! You and your doctor dopes are just hiding behind grandma's oxygen tanks. The real reason you're pushing pro-pot legislation is so you can suck on a Thai-stick and watch the walls begin to pulse and breathe!
- So like a 'take no prisoners, pussy'?
- Just because something happens in nature doesn't make it natural.
- ... The choreography was much gayer.
- Yes, with its tolerant society, low crime rate, and free health care, Canada is a hell on earth for conservatives.
- But does America really need more cultural sophisticates? (speaking of NASCAR fans)
- Well, it's December, and while you can tell yourself this season's all about "the Holidays," you'd just be being a p.c. douchebag.
- Mmmm, I would love to shove an African guy.
- While you're in Sweden -- and you should go -- this time of year's a must for crippling depression fans.
- Christmas: it's the only religious holiday that's also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.
- But aren't some kids so deliciously weird that they're asking [to be bullied]?
- Excuse me, sir, I'm having trouble locating my square dancing club meeting? Can you help me? Also, my glasses fell out of my fanny pack, and I can't find my asthma inhaler, and I feel an attack of my allergies coming on. I'm allergic to wheat, sugar, bumblebees, milk, wool, cotton, polyblends, pony hair, oatmeal, soap, sunshine. I should probably also mention that I'm a virgin and a bedwetter.
- Kids do have to learn that life is a humiliating charade of endless disappointment and tragedy, ultimately culminating in pain, decay, and death. My parents used to sing me to sleep with that one.
- Just remember: bullies are a lot more afraid of you than you are of them ... wait, no, that's snakes.
- Kids sure are pussies these days.
- Can I legally say "if you like pussies, vote for George Bush"?
- So I can call the president a pussy, I just can't say...don't vote for him.
- What about John Kerry went to Vietnam, but he went for the whores and the drugs?
- It occurs to me that nobody's focused on the Kerry girls and the Bush twins...how can I attack them?...Who's more attackable, Alexandra Kerry and that see-through number, or those slutty Bush twins?
- Samantha Bee: You've got an assload of cash and I'm gonna need some of it.
Richard Branson, founder of Virgin conglomerate: Well, you still haven't explained where this money is going?
Bee: Why are you so stingy? I thought you were like Soros but with the sex swing and the hot tubs!
Branson: Uh...well, I certainly like hot tubs.
Bee: I'm walking out of here with a sack of cash.
- Samantha Bee (voiceover): We've heard their words...but let's look at the facts: George W. Bush once molested my grandma, while John Kerry held her down with bags of money provided by gay French Jews. On November 2, tell George W. Bush and John Kerry you support freedom...by writing a check to "Americans for 527 Ads"!
Bee's "grandma": Don't let them do it again!
Bee: I'm Samantha Bee, and I approved this campaign finance loophole.
- Carla Wolper, MD: Americans are the fattest they've ever been.
Samantha Bee: Are we the fattest nation in the world?
Wolper: We are.
Bee: AWESOME! WE'RE NUMBER ONE! WHOOHOO! High five! Whoo! Yes!
- So tonight when you're putting your kids to bed, hold them in your arms and tell them to chew as little as possible...for America.
- [noting that the 2004 Republican National Convention and the counter culture's Burning Man Festival are being held the same week] "And if you're torn as to which of these two events to attend, we have one piece of advice for you - you don't exist."
- [on whether or not the Daily Show influenced the 2004 midterm elections] Absolutely not. I really don't. There may be some people who would argue that point, but honestly, I'm just going out there trying to get people to say stupid shit.
- [in response to John McCain's use of air quotes with regards to women's health in the third presidential debate] Thank you, John McCain, for finally exposing the seedy underbelly of the women’s "health" scam… Let’s face it: women loooove abortions, and will do anything to get one – the later the better. "Hemorrhages," "severe uterine infections," "dying," blah blah blah blah. And while we’re at it, enough with the whining about “rape,” “incest,” and "incest rape." We’re on to you, ladies. Those aren’t the golden ticket to the Abortion Factory, okay?
Listen, John McCain has finally put the concerns of women where they belong: in derisive air quotes! And this transcends politics, Jon. Reasonable people can disagree about abortion, but still agree on the unimportance of women's health.
It's about equality. And I'm sure if John McCain was raped, and has a baby growing in his penis, he would want it publicly discussed in the same level of abstraction without concern for his specific "life." Or..."penis."
- John McCain's Air Quotes, 28 October 2008.
- Before we start, I want to make it clear that I don't have a problem with you personally: I just don't like the color of your skin.
- But the weather started getting rough. The giant ship was tossed. If it weren't for the bravery of the fearless crew... actually, the Republic was lost.
- (About Hitler) That guy was not likeable.
- Al Gore endorsing Howard Dean. It's pretty hard to see how Dean can recover from this.
- Remember, the last person Al Gore endorsed was Al Gore. And you remember how well that went. Really, do you remember? I have no idea.
- Think about it Jon, the terrorists are expecting us to hold our elections on Election Day. If we did that, we'd be playing right into their hands.
- ...I'd rather be shooting hookers.
- From Beacon Hill to Back Bay, from burning witches to bussing blacks, this city [Boston] has something for everyone! ...Unless you're black.
- There's so much history here: Faneuil Hall, Bunker Hill, the site of the Boston Tea Party. Of course, everyone knows this piece of Boston history...the Adams Inn, where I treated Maureen Sullivan to my virginity. Room 223!
- Boston's not just about my personal sexual history; it's also about personal entertainment. Fenway Park, the world famous Green Monster. Growing up I had my own Green Monster...Father Green.
- Anyhow, here's a fun fact: did you know that Boston has a merit badge in corruption? It's called the Big Dig. The largest public works project in American history, it's billions over budget and a national laughingstock!
- It's called Avian Flu, a fatal killer that, when lethal, can be deadly.
- The missile is in the hands of the world's most unpredictable dictator, so who knows why people aren't taking the (joking) Tae-Po-dong seriously...
- Rob: It's not just the Tae-po-dong, Jon. Did you know that the Koreans are working on a deadly neutron explosive that burns you from the inside-out leaving you just a scarred hunk of flesh?
Jon: That's Horrible.
Rob: Yeah, it's called long fat d*ck.
Rob: (interrupting) But wait, there's more to it than that... Worst of all, it also carries a deadly biotoxin called "cream - of - Sum - Jung - Guy".
Jon: I'm sorry Rob, that is clearly not a real weapon...
Rob: Yeah, Yeah... that's what the N. Koreans want you to think. One day you'll be smuggin secure, then, out of a blue sky comes a "long-fat-d*ck" filled with scalding "cream of Sum Jung Guy..." Who will be laughing then, Jon?.. I know I will be...
- This Mars plan confirms something that those of us in the scientific community have known for quite some time. President Bush has now officially given up on Planet Earth.
- July 14 is Bastille Day, when the people of France released the prisoners being held in the Bastille. Not just the political prisoners, mind you; all the prisoners.
- "Bastille". It's French for "Why are you stabbing me? I just released you from prison."
- Oooh look, I'm a Democrat. I'm going to block your nomination. Oooh look, I'm a Republican. I'm going to block your blocking of the nomination. Oooh look, I'm Ted Kennedy. I have man boobies.
- For some reason, America's popularity around the world has plummeted in recent years, making travel...(sneezes, pulls out a French flag to clear his nose) making travel abroad a harrowing experience. But one man...has a solution.
- One question remains...does the kit work? I underwent an EXTREME CANADIAN MAKEOVER. The challenge was to remove everything about me that says "America". The dumbfuck look...the rock-hard American ass...and finally, my luscious hairway to Heaven. My transformation was complete...now armed with only the tools of the kit, it was time to see if I could pass as a Canadian...it worked. My fellow Americans were staring at me like an outsider. I felt like a true Canadian, and like a true Canadian, I desperately needed to thaw out my balls.
- Feeling too full? Can't keep stuffing your pie hole? Remember: an unsound mind equals an unsound body! Find your dark unhappy place...I recommend calling all your old girlfriends. They'll tell you EXACTLY what's wrong with you...Let your diminishing self-esteem propel you forward into a crushing maelstrom of despair...the fat will follow!
- Now you're probably wondering, "But Mr. Helms..." Stop, right there, okay? Call me Ed. So you're wondering, "Ed, why does resolution matter?" Well, first of all that's a stupid question. All you got to do is turn on regular resolution TV and try and figure out what the hell's going on!
- So all you need to do is buy an HDTV set...and there's plenty of choices out there. For instance, one popular option right now is the plasma TV, so called because to afford one, you're gonna have to sell your blood. (audience laughs) I'm totally kidding.
- We all know that there are many wasted hours when your cellphone is just sitting in your pocket not being talked on. In the past we've talked about amazing new features like digital photography, text messaging, and special sperm destroying rays...by the way that's #-6.
- (on a virtual fishing game) The point is this and I can't stress this enough, don't use this on the roof of your building. Oh, and be sure the GPS fish aren't near any reception deadspots...I was in the middle of a trout stream last weekend and I couldn't virtual-fish at all! I spent all my time drinking...and fishing.
- Ed Helms: You're gonna want your very own ring, so all your friends will know that you're the one ruining the movie...so shed that boring old "dee-dee-doo-doo, dee-dee-doo-doo, dee-dee-doo-doo-doo" for something more uniquely you, something that'll help stave off the haunting spectre of your own faceless anonymity. And it's fun...heck, you don't need to download rings! You can download actual songs...check this out...
(song plays, Ed laughs)
Helms: Man that song'll NEVER GET OLD! (breaks into song) ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT...
Jon Stewart (off-screen, annoyed): Ed...ED!!
Helms (snaps back to attention): All right, all right...so in conclusion these novelty rings and games are now provided on your cellphone because the technology exists to do that...(breaks into song again) ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT...
Stewart (off-screen, semi-incoherent): ALL RIGHT, ED!!! (recovers, camera now on both Helms and Stewart) thank you.
- Jon Stewart: As best as you can, Ed, talk about the most recent developments in this terrible disaster [Hurricane Katrina].
Ed Helms: Jon, today, finally a ray of hope. 8 days after Katrina came ashore, the federal government has gotten its act together marshalling all of its resources in a desperate effort to save this beloved, and now beleaguered...president. [Laughter and applause]
Jon Stewart: I'm sorry, I thought we were talking about New Orleans.
Ed Helms: Oh, no, that place is fucked.
- (while holding a homosexuality detection device:) I'll be using this gay detection device. It's kind of a radar for gayness, or Gay Radar. It's called...a Homometer.
- Ed Helms:My boss is like a cross between Willy Wonka and Hitler.
(later in the segment) Stewart: (looking shocked/enraged)...A cross between Willy Wonka and Hitler?
Helms: That's right, Jon.
- He is in stable condition after being shot by Vice President Dick Cheney during the weekend quail-hunting exhibition. Doctors say he is recovering quickly after being shot in the face by the Vice President. I'll be here all day with continuous coverage of how Vice President Dick Cheney shot a seventy-eight year old man in the face, after he mistook him for a small bird.
- You don’t want to know how sausage is made. Just know that somewhere in the back of a butcher store, people are shoving bits of pig snout and cow feet into sheep intestines.
- Mo Rocca: I was busy waiting all night for the Columbus Day Bunny to come down my chimney and light fireworks in my pumpkin.
Jon Stewart: ...There's so much wrong with that.
Mo Rocca: Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you were Jewish.
- Mo Rocca: Enron Field...words that provoke potent images of more than two glorious years of baseball history.
Rocca (voiceover): The year was 2000...William Clinton was president...a gallon of milk cost $2.25 at the su-per-market...nobody was doing the Charleston...and kids in kneepants root, root, rooted for the home team at the opening day of the brand new Enron Field. It was the little stadium that could: a place where fans would while away the hours under a quaint retractable roof, gaze at the old-fashioned giant exploding scoreboard, and look lovingly at the 60 corporate skyboxes that even the children of wealthy industrialists could call their own. But as year turned to year turned to this year...the roaring late 90's came to an end with a devastating crash...the company that gave the park its life disappeared, as did the plutocrats that gave the park its asset liquidity. Today, the cathedral known as Enron Field lies deserted, a poignant reminder of an earlier, more guilty time.
- Mo Rocca: Mmmm...Jon, I brought something special with me: the original program from Opening Day, Enron Field...look at that, 2000! (blows the "dust" off the program) Hmmm, lots of memories.
Jon Stewart (shaking his head): Uh, Mo, I don't wanna interrupt the reverie, but uh, the stadium is still there. It's alive and well, it just won't be called Enron Field.
Rocca: I know...now it's called Astros Field...I mean, what's an Astro? What do they make? They're not even a corporation, Jon.
Stewart: No, they're the ballclub that plays in the stadium.
Rocca: No, they're the ballclub that LEASES that stadium. I mean, don't you see Jon? It's the end of the golden age of corporate naming. Our children won't be able to buy a ticket at BankOne Ballpark in Phoenix...or to tailgate at Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego...or to feel the cool breeze coming off the lake at Hyundai Elantra Field in Coca-Cola, Ohio!
Stewart: Uh, Mo...I don't even think that the last one exists.
Rocca: And now it never will. Now if you'll excuse me, Jon, I'm gonna enjoy one last Enron Field pretzel...(bites into an "E" shaped pretzel) Mmm, you can really taste the ethical violations!
- Jon Stewart: (confused) And that question is designed to...?
Mo Rocca: Disable. Intelligence reveals the Arab World only has single entendre capabilities...the double ententre technique first pioneered by the French Resistance, and as you know it has been used to devastatingly saucy effect.
- Jon Stewart: Now...now Mo, I mean honestly, do you think mind games are what's going to bring (Osama bin Laden) down?
Mo Rocca: Mmmm, I don't know, Jon...ticklemyasswithafeather?
Stewart: (confused) What?
Rocca: Nice weather.
Stewart: (either disturbed or confused) Thank you, Mo.
- You can improve your chi and make peace with your father by moving your couch.
- On Feng Shui
- June 21 is Vegan World Day. Now, we humans only need to do three things to survive: drink, breathe and eat. But vegans have decided two out of three ain't bad. June 21 also happens to be the longest day of the year, but every day feels that way when your protein-free diet leaves you with morbidly low blood sugar.
- The biggest surprise was that the Tony Awards were on TV at all. I don't give a shit. Hell, I live behind a Broadway theater and I don't give a shit. I performed on Broadway this year, and I still don't give a shit!
- Kids? Call your moms. For the first time in my life, I am speechless. Here's why.
[clip of a group of people racing in dune buggies, stopping to pick up a pig in a trough, then speeding away again]
- Listen, Osama! I don't care how far you've gone, I don't care how long you've planned. There's no way that you can kill more Americans with your guns then we do with our own. This is the big leagues, baby! Jon?
- [footage of Mark McGwire crying during testimony]
Hey, idiot! There's no crying in baseball testimony!
- [footage of NRA President Wayne La Pierre saying: "What is a watch list?"]
Hey, asshole! It's a list of suspected terrorists that we're watching. In this case, watching buy guns.
- [after showing a commercial advocating President Bush]
Here's the message I'm getting from this commercial: "We had to take out Saddam Hussein because, as the Communist leader of Germany, he blew up the World Trade Center, and that's why we went to Vietnam. Vote for Reagan!"
- [after the 2004 Stanley Cup finals where Tampa Bay defeated Calgary in seven games]
This is how lame hockey has gotten: the country that invented it lost to a country that doesn't care about it, in a state that has NO natural ice!
- [regarding Christian groups that promote abstinence-only education]
So, your incentive to get people to become Christian is that they shouldn't have sex? Well, I've got one thing to say about that: Baruch atah Adonai!
- Lewis Black: Now, we all know the best medical advice doesn't come from the church or some machine, but from the people you trust the most: celebrities! Actor and lovestruck Scientologist Tom Cruise appeared on the Today Show last Friday, where he shared his beliefs on mental health.
Tom Cruise (video): I've never agreed with psychiatry, ever. Before I was a scientologist, I never agreed with psychiatry. And I know that psychiatry is a pseudo science.
Black: Unlike scientology. I mean, that's got science right in the name!...The climax came when Matt Lauer suggested that therapy and anti-depressants might work for some people.
Cruise (video): Do you know what Adderall is? Do you know Ritalin? Do you know now that Ritalin is a street drug? Do you understand that? You don't know the history of psychiatry; I do. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance.
Black: No? Then, what do you call what's happening to you right now?
- Are you there God? It's me, Lewis...and I've got a message for you...YOU'RE AN IDIOT!
- [regarding Saudi Arabia's sheltering of former Ugandan dictator Idi Amin]
That country is like a Sandals resort for dickwads!
- Last night the voice of the people was heard...I promised not to imitate it out of respect for the mentally retarded!
- [On Alaska and Maine voters' approval of bear baiting ballot initiatives]
So congratulations hunters, you're free to lure bears to their deaths with raw meat, open jars of peanut butter, and yes, even pic-nic baskets! I hope Yogi runs faster than the average bear!
- [On Brad Pitt's approval of California Prop 71]
OF COURSE HE'S FOR STEM-CELL RESEARCH...HIS STEM CELLS ARE GORGEOUS! THEY MAKE ME FEEL INADEQUATE AT A CELLULAR LEVEL!
- [On Mel Gibson's cigar challenge of proving that people weren't cells in regards to his opposition to CA Prop 71]
Adam and Eve, Mel...that's two cigars!
- [On 11 states' approval of gay marriage bans]
So congratulations...you rocked the vote, and smeared the queer...(mixed reaction from the audience)OH DO YOU THINK WE MEANT IT?...But in the end, these ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky!
- Reality...if you're like me you spend every waking moment trying to escape from it!
- You see? One person can make a difference...and nothing sticks it to the Man like taking out a Cinnabon!
- Finally, Americans have found a political problem that they are willing to come together and do something about. No, not terrorism...close, it's telemarketing!
- Ms. Prager, I think your problem is that you're answering the phone wrong...here's how I do it:
(video, phone rings, Black is annoyed)
Lewis Black: (BLEEP) you!
(slams down phone, end video)
- (On Congress's swift action in regards to the Do Not Call registry)
Yeah? Then why does most stuff happen slower than it takes to pay off a 30-year mortgage? Congress, you made a huge mistake: now we know you can actually DO something quickly if you want to!
- (On Bush's quick signature of the bill)
You know, Bush is like a genie...who only grants crappy wishes! (laughter) Thanks for the quiet phone, can I use my next wish on HEALTH INSURANCE?
- (On a Denver judge's ruling that the registry is unconstitutional)
Constitution, I feel betrayed! You let me have my porn, my guns, why won't you let me enjoy them without any annoying interruptions?! (laughter) So what's going to happen in this most important of issues? President Bush ordered the telemarketing registry to take effect as of today, while industry lawyers vowed to go to the Supreme Court, where they can make their pitch in front to the ideal telemarketing audience...
(shows a picture of the Supreme Court justices)
...gullible old people. Jon?
- Apparently in Boston, anarchist means pussy.
- Over the course of the past year mom and pop outfits like Enron and Saudi Arabia have been persecuted by the public and the government...but now they're fighting back using a few simple techniques!
- You're not the Gay Governor, are you? (after Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said Arnold Schwarzenegger training video was fascinating)
- Sarah Palin thinks the alphabet has 22 letters. She's so dumb she thinks the capital of China is Chinatown. Sarah Palin is so dumb, she thinks billboards are postcards from giants. The governor of Alaska is so dumb, she thinks soy milk is Spanish for "I am milk."
- Jessica: What does the word "tyrant" mean to you as opposed to what it means to everybody else?
- Larry Kilgore: "Tyrant" means to me somebody like Hitler or Lincoln who comes in and murders the people for their own political gain.
- Jessica: You think Lincoln's a tyrant?
- Larry: Yes, ma'am.
- Jessica: That's not something you normally hear.
- Larry: No it is not, but Lincoln and Hitler are very similar, but most Americans aren't aware of it.
- Jessica: I'm sorry, I'm confused.
- Larry: Hitler was the one that killed six million Jews. Lincoln was the one that killed six hundred thousand Americans.
- Jessica: Was Lincoln the one that gave a lot of liberties to people as well?
- Larry: [long pause] Not that I know of.
- Jessica: No liberties that you can think of?
- Larry: No, ma'am.
- interviewing Texas secessionist Larry Kilgore, 2013-02-21
- So now, instead of being spied on by the Executive Branch, it turns out we're being spied on by all the branches. I think— I think you're misunderstanding the perceived problem here, Mr. President. No one is saying that you broke any laws. We're just saying, it's a little bit weird that you didn't have to.
- Responding to clips of the Executive Branch's PRISM surveillance program, the Judicial Branch's FISA court's 100% approval of NSA's 1,789 surveillance requests in 2012, and President Obama's assertion that Congress has been "continually briefed about these are conducted"
- June 10, 2013, end of first segment, 0:09:50 ff
- You shouldn't have talking points about a person before that person can talk!
- Criticizing MSNBC and Fox News efforts to use UK newborn Prince George of Cambridge to discuss unrelated U.S. controversies
- August 5, 2013, second segment, 0:12:40 ff
- Jon Stewart: Stephen, thank you for joining us...with (Jim) Jeffords' new status as an independent senator, the balance of power has shifted...how else will this power shift play out in the Senate?
- Stephen Colbert: Who cares, Jon? What about the band?
- Jon Stewart: (confused) ...the band?
- Stephen Colbert: The Singing Senators!
- (a picture of Larry Craig, Trent Lott, John Ashcroft and Jeffords as the "Singing Senators")
- Stephen Colbert: ...listen. Jeffords leaving means that the Republicans break up the Singing Senators.
- Jon Stewart: They're the senators that sing.
- Stephen Colbert: (shocked) Sing, Jon? They're only, like, the greatest Congressional music act ever! They're the standard in which all other senatorial singing groups are judged, man!
- Stephen Colbert: Check out this rare bootleg I have of the senators' now legendary gig on NBC's Today show...
- (clip of the senators signing "Elvira")
- Stephen Colbert: Oom pa-pa, Oom pa pa, wow, WOW! I love those four lovable moptops...Larry Craig, the conservative one, Trent Lott the ultraconservative one, John Ashcroft the archconservative one... and Jim Jeffords the cute one!
- (audience explodes into laughter)
- Stephen Colbert: ...they had it all! Tight harmonies, wireboard looks, and medieval social agenda! But now it's over...except for the medieval social agenda.
- Announcer: The Colbert Report...winner of the 2005 Peabody Award!
- Colbert: If the voters had any balls...well, do you voters? do you have any balls? Because I do...lemme show you...
- Stephen Colbert: Hi! I'm Stephen Colbert...I'm a successful and respected authority figure, and I LOOOOOVE DRUGS! There's nothing more I love than kicking back with some good friends, a cribbage board, a Benny Goodman album, and a whole lotta crack! (looks to the side) Hey there!
(Enter Jon Stewart)
- Jon Stewart: Yes?
- Stephen Colbert: Do you want a reefer full of pot? All the hip kids are doing it!
- (Stewart looks surprised, yet intrigued)
- Jon Stewart: I would! It would be a perfect break from my job as a corporate drone to slip into a sweet, mellow high!
- (Enter Lauren Weedman, snapping a rubber armband around her arm.)
- Lauren Weedman: Hey guys, I'd love to do some drugs with you, but I'm off to donate blood.
- Stephen Colbert: Good call. (turns to camera) So take it from us...middle aged adults with no idea what's cool...
- Together: DRUGS ARE COOL!
- Stephen Colbert (voiceover): This message brought to you by the National Council "Against" Drugs.
- Stephen Colbert: What religion do I have to be to get this money?
- Stephen Laverith, Centre for Public Justice: The government has said that it's not going to define what a religion is.
- Stephen Colbert: That's refreshingly vague
- (Switches to voiceover)
- Stephen Colbert: ...and refreshingly lucrative. The first step is choosing your religion...
- (back to Colbert and Laverith)
- Stephen Colbert: Let's go over the big three. Judaism: the no-pork thing's okay, but the horns and the Christian baby blood... that's a deal breaker. Islam... fascinating religion, but it's kind of a PR nightmare right now... and ditto.
- (picture of a Catholic cardinal)
- Stephen Colbert: Oh, God, I gotta get out of here! Don't leave me, Jon!
- Jon Stewart: Stephen Colbert, everyone.
- Jon Stewart: What about the State of the Union? Did you go to the speech?
- Senator John McCain: I had no choice.
- Jon Stewart: Do you know of any candidate that has gone from top to bottom, from king to serf, so quickly as Howard Dean?
- Bob Dole: I did. I mean, Joe Lieberman, he was banking on Al Gore's ticket. Then Al Gore endorsed Howard Dean, and now Howard's campaign tanked. So I told Kerry and Edwards, If Gore calls you, don't pick up the phone.
- Samantha Bee: I'll read you some words, help me warm these up a bit.
- Frank Luntz: OK.
- Samantha Bee: Drilling for oil?
- Frank Luntz: I would say, responsible exploration for energy.
- Samantha Bee: Logging?
- Frank Luntz: I would say, healthy forest.
- Samantha Bee: Manipulation?
- Frank Luntz: Explaination and education.
- Samantha Bee: Orwellian?
- [Frank Luntz is silent]
- Jason Jones: Was it difficult managing a family while not being president?
- Geraldine Ferarro: I'm sorry did you say NOT being president?
- Rob Corddry: This is pork-barrel politics at its worst.
- Sen. Joan Fitzgerald: How so?
- Rob Corddry: It's... so so.
- Sen. Joan Fitzgerald: You have no idea what pork-barrel politics are, do you?
- Rob Corddry: Do you?
- Sen. Joan Fitzgerald: Pork-barrel politics usually puts money into the system...
- Rob Corddry: Oh, is that what they taught you in lady senator school?
- Jon Stewart: We've also got a report from Mr. Rob Corddry in Oregon. We're gonna...hey, uh...wow, that's a nice box, Rob!
- Rob Corddry: Oh, this old thing? (laughs) I only use it when I don't care how I look! (laughs again) No Jon, I've been spending a lot of time on satellite hookups, so with the holidays coming...it gives it a homier feel, you know?
- Ed Helms: Jon?
- Jon Stewart: Yes, Ed Helms in Minnesota?
- Ed Helms: I...I, uh, didn't know we could decorate our boxes.
- (Audience laughs)
- Rob Corddry (mocking): Jon! I didn't know we can decorate our boxes! I'm afraid to take any action on my own!
- Jon Stewart (off-screen): Guys...
- Ed Helms (to Corddry): Shut up, Rob!
- Rob Corddry (to Helms): You shut up, bitch!'
- Ed Helms (to Corddry): You wanna say that to my face?
- (Corddry moves from "Oregon" to "Minnesota" and into Helm's box...and face)
- Rob Corddry: SHUT UP, BITCH!
- (Helms headbutts Corddry, knocking him back)
- Jon Stewart: HEY GUYS...GUYS! (stunned) Uh, I'm sorry, I apologize...that's, uh... Thought they were further apart.
- John Oliver: When you’re a bankrupt ideology pursuing a bankrupt strategy, the only move you have left is the dick one.
- Jon Stewart: When will these motherfuckers go away?
- John Oliver: They probably won’t, there have always been motherfuckers, there will always be motherfuckers, but what we can’t do is let them control our motherfucking lives.
- Jon Stewart: Let's go on Chatroulette. Let's see here. Okay, what do we go so far... [On a computer, the lower window features Jon Stewart throughout, the upper window shows whomever is on until one of them clicks next, starting with...] Okay, bored guy. Next. Let's see...all right, that's guy...[Next is a naked man, genitals blurred] Whoa! Okay, penis in my face! All right, bored Austrian guy, next. [Someone with blurred penis sticking out of pants] Okay! [Next, someone sitting without pants, blurred] Wow, I think that guy goes to my gym! All right, let's just get out of that...Wyatt?!
- Wyatt Cenac: Jon, I don't have time to talk right now. I'm about to break this Chatroulette story wide open. Remember how I did that story on Twitter and then that other story on glory holes?
- Jon Stewart: Right.
- Wyatt Cenac: I think Chatroulette is the missing link! NEXT!
- Jon Stewart: All right...no, no, don't send me back! I don't wanna go back...hey, Liz Claman, reporter from Fox Business. Are you covering the financial angle on Chatroulette and...don't just "next" me! Damn it! Diane Sawyer, what are you doing?!
- Diane Sawyer: Oh, great.
- Jon Stewart: Hey, what's going on?
- Diane Sawyer: I'm checking out this Chatroulette thing, but so far I only get reporters.
- Jon Stewart: Yeah, me too...plus some other things.
- Diane Sawyer: What are you doing?
- Jon Stewart: I'm doing a satiric look at Chatroulette.
- Diane Sawyer: [pause] Sounds hilarious.
- [She nexts him]
- Jon Stewart: Damn it! She hit me next. Not cool, Sawyer! [Bored guy] Okay, that guy's boring, I don't wanna see that guy. [Guy on bed drinking water] That's just boring, let me get to the next thing as it goes there. Next, we go through there...Olbermann?! What are you doing here?!
- Keith Olbermann: Bearing witness to the new era of communication, Jon. It is Orwellian, sir. It is Big Brother, and Big Brother is none other than each of us.
- Jon Stewart: What?
- Keith Olbermann: [cont'd] The Bush Administration's warrantless wiretap search society at T1 speeds, the surveillance state gone viral. At long last, sir, have we no shame? I...think one of us is supposed to take our pants off now.
- Jon Stewart: WHAT?! No! Next! Next! Geez. [Jason Jones possibly masturbating] Jason Jones! No! Jason, no, what are you doing?!
- Jason Jones: What does it look like I'm doing, Jon?
- Jon Stewart: I'll tell you what it looks like you're doing...
- Jason Jones: [holding up a Wii remote] Jon, relax, I'm playing Wii Craps.
- Jon Stewart: Oh, God, thank you.
- Jason Jones: While I masturbate.
- Jon Stewart: No! Next! Next! Next! Next! Katie Couric, you too?!
- Katie Couric: Hey, Jon. You know what, you would be the perfect interview for a piece I'm doing on Chatroulette.
- Jon Stewart: Okay, well, do it.
- Katie Couric: Okay, I'm just gonna toss to it.
- Jon Stewart: All right.
- Katie Couric: I'm Katie Couric. There's a new place where creeps like to dwell—it's called Chatroulette, and it's home to some of the most deranged criminal perverts I've ever seen in my many years of broadcasting. One of these vile creatures has actually agreed to an interview. Jon, Jon, there's your part.
- Jon Stewart: Next! Next! Damn it, this is... [Jason Jones again] NO!!! What are you doing?!
- Jason Jones: Jon, relax, it's Wii Butter Churn.
- Jon Stewart: All right.
- Jason Jones: While I masturbate.
- Jon Stewart: No! Brian Williams! Hey, what's going on? Are you doing a story on Chatroulette for NBC? Is that this?
- Brian Williams: [long awkward pause] Uh, yes. I was on here researching...the whole...the trend. I'm not...not like cruising.
- Jon Stewart: No! Why would I even think that? That's crazy. Why would I? I wouldn't think that.
- Brian Williams: [another pause] No, that is not what I was doing.
- Jon Stewart: That's not who you are.
- Brian Williams: We're doing a...we're researching this for a story.
- Jon Stewart: Exactly! You're a great American and a terrific newsman. So...wanna get this party started? Let's do this, baby. Let's do this, yeah! Let's do this! Come on, Williams! Let's do...[Gets up and starts to undo his pants when Brian cuts it off] No, don't next me! I HATE CHATROULETTE!!!
- Aasif Mandvi: What we're seeing now is only the latest outbreak in a clash of cultures that goes back generations.
- Jon Stewart: Then what's your suggestion, Aasif?
- Aasif Mandvi: A two-state solution.
- Jon Stewart: How would that work, Aasif?
- Aasif Mandvi: Well, it all depends on how you draw the boundaries. Here's a classic. [Map of United States, northern half blue, southern half red] Socialists get the north, freedom-lovers get the south.
- Jon Stewart: It's got a certain familiarity, I like it. Why is Iowa in gray?
- Aasif Mandvi: Well, Northern Iowa ruined my NCAA bracket, so I'm refusing to include them in this union.
- Jon Stewart: We have complete coverage of Bin Laden's death from the "Best Fucking News Team on Television." We're gonna start with Aasif Mandvi—spent the last several years deeply embedded in the lawless border province of Waziristan. Aasif, your reaction to the news.
- Aasif Mandvi: Well, I guess surprise, you know. Just because of that thing where everyone, including me, thought Bin Laden had been holed up in a cave here in the world's most remote mountains. Turns out the son-of-a-bitch was living in the SUBURBS! Nice suburbs! A million-dollar mansion in Abbottabad? That's like the Greenwich of Pakistan! While I've been humping it up the Hindu Kush, puking from altitude sickness and wiping my ass with scorpion husks, Osama Bin Trust Fund was living two miles from a GOLF COURSE!
- Jon Stewart: I'm sorry, Aasif. I didn't know that...does Abbottabad really have a golf course?
- Aasif Mandvi: It literally does! I could've embedded myself in the fourteenth fairway. FUCK YOU, OSAMA BIN LADEN!
- Jon Stewart: All right, Samantha Bee is actually tonight in Abbottabad...
- Samantha Bee: Yes, that's right, Jon, and Aasif is right. Abbottabad is exactly what you wouldn't have expected—a relatively affluent bedroom community.
- Jon Stewart: And how are the residents that live there—we saw that the guy who Tweeted the news of what was happening. How are they taking the news of this?
- Samantha Bee: Well, they are shocked. Shocked that so few Westerners had ever heard of this picturesque hamlet famed throughout Pakistan for its mild climate and top-ranked schools. A well-healed retirement haven for high-ranking Pakistani military men, but also just an hour's drive from the bustling capital Islamabad. Just take a look at this hidden gem. [Shows artist rendering of the compound] Four baths, eight bedrooms, space for all your wives, plenty of room for a pool there right on the left...
- Jon Stewart: I'm sorry, Sam. Are you trying to flip his house?
- Samantha Bee: Oh come on, Jon. A little steam cleaning, patch some of those bullet holes, use a little Brain-Out on the carpet.
- All Axis Pass [Axis of evil]
- Finding Memo [Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse, also referencing Finding Nemo]
- Human Babies Born! [Media fascination with Julia Roberts' twins]
- Mess O' Potamia [2003 invasion of Iraq / Mesopotamia] (used multiple times)
- Powell Movement [ Colin Powell resigning]
- Sadr House Rules [Muqtada al-Sadr, also referencing Cider House Rules]
- Indecision 2000 [The Daily Show coverage of the 2000 United States presedential elections at the Republican National Convention] (used multiple times, such as:)
- Indecision/Indécision 2006 [for the coverage of the 2006 Canadian federal election, also a play on the bilingual labeling in Canada]
- Indecision 5766 [for the coverage of the 2006 Israeli Knesset elections, 5766 being the year on the Jewish calendar]
- Indecision 5768 [U.S. Presidential candidates speak at an AIPAC conference]
- Indecisionovich 2004 [for coverage of the Orange Revolution in the Ukraine
- Indecision 1425 [for the coverage of the 2005 Iraqi elections, 1425 being the year in the Islamic calendar]
- Redecision 2003 [for coverage of the 2003 California Recall Election.]
- A Spot Of Indecision 2005 [for the coverage of the 2005 United Kingdom general election]
- Zell on Earth [Zell Miller at the Republican National Convention]
- Syrias Unfortunate Events
- A Look Baq at Iraq
- Quitter! [Lance Armstrong's final Tour de France win]
- Best Leak Ever [Valerie Plame affair] (used multiple times)
- The Full Mountie [George W. Bush's 2004 visit to Canada]
- The Vetting Crashers [John Bolton's recess appointment to the UN ambassadorship]
- Hello Submarine [Russian mini-sub crisis]
- War on Terrour [Tony Blair's press conference announcing stricter anti-terrorism rules, also referencing British spelling]
- War on Terra [A take on the "War on Terror" describing Bush's apparent war on the environment]
- Passing Fahd [Death of King Fahd of Saudi Arabia]
- Run, Forest, Run! [Talking about the rain forest being cut down, also referencing the movie Forrest Gump]
- Texas Scold'em [Cindy Sheehan's protest outside George W. Bush's Texas ranch, also a reference to a variant of poker]
- Ranch Stressing [Same as above]
- The Jew Carry Show [Forced evacuation of Israeli settlers from Gaza]
- Anarchy in the UKraine [Ukrainian election trouble]
- A Haus Divided [2005 German federal elections]
- Rocket the Vote [first Afghanistani elections]
- Kimmy Neutron [Kim Jong-il, the erratic dictator of North Korea, and his nuclear program]
- Kim Possible [Kim Jong-il and his nuclear program, also referencing a Disney Channel cartoon]
- The Goodbye Girl [Harriet Miers SCOTUS nomination withdrawal]
- Pope Secret [Election of Pope Benedict XVI after the death of John Paul II]
- This Is Wire Tap [The scandal surrounding the Bush administration's unauthorized tapping]
- War on a Rock [Moscow's and the UK's disbute on the fake camera rock]
- Man's Face Intercepts Vice Presidential Bullet [VP Cheney shooting a man in the face while hunting]
- Going Postal [Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's letter to George W. Bush]
- Blood, Bath & Beyond [Iraq War, a reference to the housewares store, Bed, Bath & Beyond]
- Leonar-D'oh! [The premiere of The Da Vinci Code the movie, also a Simpsons reference]
- FOX in a Henhouse
- Increase your Under-STAN-ding
- Faux News [US-sponsored fake news in Iraqi newspapers, a reference to FOX News]
- Foley Erect [Mark Foley/underage page scandal]
- Death of a Person [The media coverage of Anna Nicole Smith's death]
- Clusterf@#k to the White House [The 2008 Presidential Election Rush]
- Clusterf@#k to the Poor House Economic crisis of 2008
- Scumdog Million-hairs [The Rod Blagojevich scandal]
- Born Identity [The controversy surrounding Obama's birth certificate]
- Highway To Health [Health Care Reform]
- The Men Who Stare At Votes The Men Who Stare At Goats
- World of Warmcraft World of Warcraft
- The Spilling Fields [Oil Spill in the Gulf, a reference to The Killing Fields]
- Avatar Heroes [reference to Second Life and Guitar Heroes]
- Volcanopolypse 2010 [eruption of Iceland volcano, Eyjafjallajökull]
- Well, That Was Fast
- Moral Kombat [U.S. Supreme Court ruling on violent videogames]
- Armadebtdon 2011: The End of the World as We Owe It [The 2011 U.S. debt ceiling crisis]
- The mistrusted name in news.
- When news breaks, we fix it.
- Third rate reporters giving the first degree the second news happens.
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- Jon Stewart — Host (1999–)
- Craig Kilborn — Host (1996–1998)
- Samantha Bee — Correspondent (2003–)
- Steve Carell — Correspondent (1999–2005)
- Stephen Colbert — Correspondent (1997–2005)
- Rob Corddry — Correspondent (2002–2006)
- Ed Helms — Correspondent (2002–)
- Mo Rocca — Correspondent
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- Rob Riggle — Correspondent
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- Stacey Grenrock–Woods — Correspondent
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- Lewis Black — Contributor, 'Back in Black' (1996–present)
- Frank DeCaro — Contributor, 'Out at the Movies' (1996–2003)
- Dave Attell — Contributor, 'The Ugly American' (1999–2002)
- Michael Blieden — Contributor (1996–1999)
- John Bloom — Contributor, 'God Stuff' (1996–1998) (as Joe Bob Briggs)
- A. Whitney Brown — Correspondent (1996–1998)
- Rich Brown — Contributor, 'Public Excess' (1999–2000)
- Demetri Martin — Contributor, 'Trendspotting' (2005–)
- John Oliver — Correspondent
- Wyatt Cenac — Correspondent 2008— present