The Inbetweeners

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The Inbetweeners is an award-winning comedy series airing on the British TV channel E4. It is based on the lives of four teenage boys in their last years of school.

Series 1[edit]

The First Day [1.1][edit]

Will: I went for what turned out to be one of the more eventful shits of my life.

Simon: (referring to Carli) I've lusted her since I was eight.
Neil: You fancy eight year olds?
Simon: No, Neil. Our families are friends. We were both eight.
Neil: So? You still fancied an eight year old.

Will: Anyone can be your friend. All you have to do is hang round them long enough.

Bartender: You got proof of age?
Will: You have my word.

Simon: (sarcastically to Jay) Yeah, that's it. I've had 210 wanks and my cock's like a pepperami.

(Will's mum drives up to the school gates)
Will: Oh, no...
Simon: (surprised) Is that your mum?
Will: I told her not to come and pick me up.
Neil: She's fit.
Jay: I'd fuck her!
Will: (hesitates) Well, thanks very much.
Jay: Well wouldn't you?
Will: Well, considering she's my mother...no?!
Jay: Yeah, but what if she wasn't?
Will: Well she is, so still no.
Simon: Yeah, but what he's saying is, if she wasn't your mum...would you fuck her?
Will: (sarcastically) Oh, are we still doing this?
Jay: Look, all I wanna know is whether you'd get down between her knees, spread them, and...
Will: (cutting him off angrily) Can we please stop talking about my mother's VAGINA?!

Jay: Get the beers in and let the gash form an orderly queue.
Will: (to Simon) Sorry, did he actually just say "the gash?"

Bunk Off [1.2][edit]

Will:(entering a wine shop, dressed in Mr Cooper's suit) Good day!
Shopkeeper:(looking up)...Sorry?
Will:(nervous)...Good day!
Shopkeeper: Oh...hello.

Shopkeeper:(to Will) Can I help?
Will:(with several bags of crisps, to Shopkeeper)Er, yes. I am...a man. Who has recently bought a house in the local area, and I'm having a house-warming party...to which I'll be inviting a lot of the local adults...(counting the Pringles cans in his hands absent-mindedly)...to...Hence the crisps.

(he dumps them onto the counter)

Will: And I'll also probably need some...(swallows nervously)...al-co-hol, as well as the crisps, et cetera.
Shopkeeper: Right. What sort of thing are you looking for?
Will: Some...(eyes a bottle of gin on the shelf)...Beefeater Gin?
Shopkeeper: OK. How about two bottles?
Will: (posh) Excellent.
Shopkeeper: Want so wine?
Will: Christ no, I'm not made of money! And I'll have some...Extra-Strong Mints.

(the shopkeeper looks at him wearily)

Will: For those who are drink-driving.
Shopkeeper: Right...comes to £29.50. Anything else?
Will: What's on Special?
Shopkeeper:(suddenly fierce) I'll give you a bottle of Drambuie for a tenner if you pay and are out the shop in 5 seconds.
Will:...Done. Thank you, my good man...I shall invite you to the party.

Will:(coming out of the newsagents, laden with bags) Mission accomplished!
Jay: What's in all the bags then?
Will: Just something to soak up the alcohol.
(Jay takes a bag and opens it)
Jay: Crisps?!
Neil: Where's the beer?!
Simon: Have you spent all our money on fancy fucking crisps?!
Neil: You twat!
Jay:(taking out the bottle of Drambuie) What the fuck's this?!
Will: Drambuie.
Neil: What's Drambuie?
Will: It's a sort of whisky-based liqueur.
Neil: What's a liqueur?
Jay: It's what benders drink(!)
Neil: Well why have we got that then?!
Simon: (teasing) Because we're going back to yours and it's your dad's favourite drink.
Neil: Oi, my dad's not bent.
Simon: He is a bit, though.
Neil: He's fucking not!
Jay: Right, let's look at the evidence. 1.) Your mum left him because he loves cock!
Neil:(to Will) That's not true. Look, she was in a difficult place.
Will:(teasing) In bed with a bender.
Simon:(teasing) Your dad, who is a bender.
Jay: 2.) He wears tight denim shorts to do the gardening!
Simon: And the only night he goes out all week is Wednesday, and that's to play badminton!
Neil:(annoyed) Right! Well...Dad's not bent, because he's got hundreds of porn mags at home, and it's all straight!
Simon: All straight?
Neil: Some lesbian.
Simon: Right, well we should go and have a look at it in that case.
Neil: Well fine, come on then.

(they walk off to Neil's house)

Will: (whispering to Jay) This should be good. I bet it's 90% cock.

Jay: (singing to Simon, to the tune of London Bridge Is Falling Down) Carli's fanny on your face, on your face, on your face! Carli's fanny on your face, and your bell-end!

Will: Oh piss off!
Mr Sutherland: Don't talk to me like that in my own house!
Will: Oh sorry, my manners... Piss off, PLEASE!!!
Mr Sutherland: I've had enough of your lip!
Will: Oh you'd like my lip wouldnt you, right round your bell end! If Mr Chippy doesn't get there first! What's he gonna knock up, a closet for you to hide in? You BUMDER!!!

Mr Cooper: Well, you've had an eventful day. You've lied to your mothers, bought alcohol illegally, abused Neil's dad, stole my suit, defaced the pavement outside Carly's! Am I missing anything?
(pause)
Will: We also hit a spastic (simmo) with a Frisbee.

Thorpe Park [1.3][edit]

Will: This is perfect. Simon passes his test, drives us to Thorpe Park, Neil gets us freebies, and I get to ride -
Jay: A man's cock in the bushes?
Will:...The Nemesis Inferno!

Jay: (to Neil) I suppose your dad needs the money.
Neil: He doesn't, actually.
Simon: Rent boys don't come cheap.
Neil: Oi, my dad's not bent.
Jay: Then why is he paying for rent boys?
Neil: He's not.
Simon: What, they're freebies?

Jay: I've just seen the clunge head towards Nemesis.
Will: Well sounds like they are thrill seekers too.
Jay: I hope they are cock seekers too!

Jay: (to Simon, about a group of girls in a car up ahead) Si, we're losing them!
Will: You make it sound as if we're about to attack them.

Girlfriend [1.4][edit]

Jay: What? I'm telling you, all the birds I've shagged love that!
Simon: So, no birds love that, then.
Jay: Well, your mum loved it.
Simon: Brilliant.

Simon: It doesn't matter 'cause she's not coming.
Jay: Who's not coming?
Simon: Charlotte Hinchliffe.
Jay: I'd make her cum. All over my face!

Charlotte: (to Jay, with Will) OK then, 'funny boy'. Make me laugh...without undressing.
Jay: (repeatedly imitating Crazy Frog, as Charlotte and Will watch in appalled silence) Nim, nee nim nim nim nim! Boh, bom bom bah bah bah!!!
(he stops, as Charlotte and Will watch silently)
Jay:...it's Crazy Frog...

Will: Simon was right, he did still have his old friends...(Simon turns to see Neil and Jay imitating having sex with books) ...and he was welcome to them
Neil: (imitating having sex with books) Books get me girls! Books get me girls!
Jay: (also imitating having sex with books) Oh, books! Oh, books!
Neil: Blind date books!
Jay: Fuck the book with us, Simon!

Caravan Club [1.5][edit]

Jay: It's a sense of freedom you don't get with other holidays.
Will: It's a sense of shitting in a bucket in a cupboard you don't get with other holidays... in England... with your parents!

Simon: What should I text back?
Jay: "Spread 'em. I'll be there in thirty minutes."
Will: Or, "it was lovely to hear from you, I look forward to meeting up with you."
Jay: "P.S. I'm a poofter."

Simon: Its YOUR spunk!!
Neil: But it's YOUR car!
Simon: What...so if I spunked in your face it would be yours?

Xmas Party [1.6][edit]

Will: People don't get fingered for a bet, Jay, with the possible exception of your sister.
Jay: Take that back.
Will: Actually,I do take that back. As for your mum, she'd probably get fingered for a packet of biscuits.

Will: (to Big John) John, stop eating the burgers!

Mr Sethi: (quite a few times in the first scene) Too jazzy?

Jay: (to Big John) Listen, lard-arse, there will be food, so shut the fuck up so we can get this over with!

Neil: Any jobs for me?
Will: Wash your hands afterwards!

Will: (narrating) 'The next level up (from Dutch courage) is Dutch dickhead.'

Series 2[edit]

The Field Trip [2.1][edit]

Jay: I have to see a man about a dog. (winks at Neil) and then a woman about a pussy.
(Jay and Neil grin)
Lauren: (annoyed) I know what that means, you know.

Old lady: What can I get you?
Jay: Cornetto please
Old lady: One Cornetto, is that all?
Jay: Do you want to lick it?
Old lady: Sorry?
Jay: My Cornetto, do you want to lick it?
Old lady: Oh that is kind, I've had enough Ice Cream today though sweetheart
Jay: Oh right, bit late am I?
Old lady: Do you want something else?
Jay: Are you the woman who sucks school boys off?
Old lady: Sorry?
Jay: Can you suck me off?

Neil: Oh go on I love boats, I used to go fishing with my dad.
Jay: Fisting?
Neil: FISHING!

Will McKenzie: [a fish has jumped into the boat] Jesus Christ! How the hell has that happened?
Neil Sutherland: I dunno, it didn't have any bait on it.
Jay Cartwright: Get it out!
Neil Sutherland: It's just a fish.
Will McKenzie: It's a fucking terrifying massive fish! Get rid of it Neil!

Will McKenzie: [after Jay has let off the emergency flare] Why the fuck did you do that?
Jay Cartwright: To get the sea police out!
Will McKenzie: And say what?! "Help, we've caught a fish?"? We're already in the harbour, What are they gonna do - tow us four feet closer to the shore?

Neil Sutherland: Better kill it, It's the kindest thing to do; it won't survive back in the sea now

[punches the fish repeatedly, to a bloody pulp]

Will McKenzie: Well, that was a much more dignified end for it (!)

Will McKenzie:: Fuck off you beady eyed little shits!

Work Experience [2.2][edit]

Journalist: What are you hoping to get out of this assignment?
Neil: Don't worry. I won't steal nothing.

Jay: (On underage girls) If theres grass on the pitch play ball .
Will: Well, what if there isn't any?
Jay: By the time you find out, it's too late anyway.

Charlotte: (to Will): You're a nasty little virgin. (throws drink in his face)

Will's Birthday [2.3][edit]

Jay: She'd definitely get it. Right up the bum hole.
Will: Lucky girl.

Simon: [about the French exchange student] He seems a bit weird. He asked me if I've tried the "Sleeping Beauty?"
Neil: Oh, it's good, that.
Simon: What, you know it?
Neil: Yeah, you sit on your arm 'til your hand goes dead. Ten, fifteen minutes is normally enough. And then when you wank, it feels like someone else is doing it.
Will: How do you know these things?
Jay: Oh, everyone knows the Sleeping Beauty; that's old.
Will: Is it?
Jay: Yeah, my mate's brother invented it. He and his mates used to be called The Dead Hand Gang.
Will: They had a gang based on masturbation? Oh there's nothing gay about that.
Jay: Yeah, well he's in the Air Force now, so how gay's that?
Will: Still quite gay!

Simon: [about finding dates for Will's birthday party] Maybe I'll see what Carli's up to.
Jay: Not being seen dead with you in a million years, is what she's up to.
Simon: Oh, I'm sorry, Russell Brand, who are you bringing again?
Jay: Don't worry about me, mate, I'm up to my neck in sluts at the moment. Maybe I'll bring my new fuck-buddy along, that little blonde barmaid from the Fox and Hounds.
Neil: You pulled a barmaid? Nice!
Will: Has she got any special dietary requirements? It's just I've never cooked for an imaginary woman before.
Jay: Well, I know she's not allergic to nuts - my nuts...
Simon: - brilliant...
Jay: - or my cock.
Will: She only eats small portions then?
Jay: Well I didn't hear your mum complaining... although her mouth was full at the time.
Will: Yep. Good one.

Will: [voiceover] So while I made my final dinner party preparations, including putting on shit music girls would like, Patrice had been busy, too
Patrice: Uh, I just had a really nice ...'tug?' ... thinking about your mother.
[Will looks up, stunned]
Patrice: And I think some went on the floor, sorry.
Will: Right. Thanks, Patrice.

[at Will's dinner party]

Will: Look, I put a lot of effort into this! I made a really nice coq au vin...
Jay: Cock of what?!
Simon: You don't help yourself, do you?
Will: Oh yes, I see, 'coq' au vin, very mature! It actually mean chicken in wine, doesn't it, Patrice?
Patrice: [bored] Quoi?
Will: Well, it does, and it doesn't mean cock up my arse, or cock on my head, or...
Simon: ...you got some cock in the back of a van...
Will: Or that I got some cock in the back of a van! Look, all I wanted was a nice, civilised and sophisticated dinner party. Just something a little different from the usual parties - maybe even the sort of party that girls are impressed by! OK, so there aren't any girls here, but why don't we at least attempt to have a sophisticated conversation? I know it's a tall order, and I'm not expecting sparkling, but let's give it a go, eh, since it is my FUCKING BIRTHDAY!

[everyone sits in chastened silence for a while. Then...]

Neil: How much Lego can you stick up your bum?
Will: Oh, for Christ's sake!
Neil: How much Lego can you get up your bum? Didn't you do it as a kid? Just a triangle one and a long one? Maybe a few singles?
Will: Oh God, what if my birthdays just get worse and worse from now on? What'll happen next year?
Jay: You get AIDS?
Will: I'd have to have sex for that to happen.
Neil: Or fuck a monkey?
Will: Technically, that still counts as sex.
Simon: Or drink from the same cup as Neil's dad.
Neil: Oi, my dad does not have AIDS!
Jay: Your dad is so AIDS. He's the one who gave it to monkeys.
Neil: You take that back!
Jay: That's what the monkeys said to him.

Night Out In London [2.4][edit]

Jay: BUS WANKERS! (Boys laugh)
Simon: Where did that come from? Bus wankers!
Will: Those people just saw us passing by and thought, 'We must be the bus wankers!'

Angry Man From Bus Stop: I'd rather be a bus wanker than drive that piece of yellow shit!

Jay: [Neil is in the toilet examining his penis after cutting it earlier] What's taking so fucking long?
Neil: Oh, mate, it's not good, Get us some bog roll... Look!

[displays his penis to Jay]

Jay: Ah, Jesus! Put it away, Neil!
Neil: I can't. It stings when it rubs on my pants!
Jay: Well... take your pants off then!
Neil: I can't, then it'll rub on my jeans.
Jay: Neil, no matter what your old man says, you can't walk around London with your knob hanging out.

Neil: [being ejected from the club for allegedly masturbating, but in reality moaning due to a cut penis] I wasn't wanking! My cock is cut... my cock is cut!

Duke of Edinburgh [2.5][edit]

Neil: Just who is this Duke of Edinburgh, does he teach it?
Jay: No, of course he doesn't teach it you fucking idiot, the Duke of Edinburgh is Prince Charles.
Will: Umm, no he isn't, it's his dad.
Neil: King Phillip?
Will: No, I mean, that IS the Duke of Edinburgh you're thinking of, but he's not the King.
Neil: But he fucks the Queen though.
Jay: Probably up the arse.
Will: LOOK, do you wanna sign up or not?
Jay: You've gotta be fucking joking, there's no way I'm gonna get bummed by some royal bloke on a mountain!
Neil: Yeah fuck it, I'm in.

Will: (to Simon) I need you to look at my cock.
Simon: (nervously) Ummm...err...
Will: Not in a gay way!
Simon: I think me looking at your cock in any way is a bit gay.
Will: Look, I need your help because something's gone wrong. I was asleep at school, and...I must have had a wet dream because when I woke up it was all sticky, and...
Simon: Hang on, wait a minute. You spunked yourself?
Will: Listen...I went home to take a shower, and all my pubes came off in the shower.
Simon: So you spunked yourself, in the common room, in the daytime, with people around?
Will: Yes.
Simon: And then your pubes fell out?
Will: (exasperated) Yes!
Simon: Mate, I think this is a bit too weird for me.
Will: Look, you've got to help me. I've got that date with Daisy tonight, and if she touches or at least sees the bald old fella, what's she going to think?
Simon: That you're a porn star?
Will: Simon, look at me: I don't think she's going to think I'm a porn star!
Simon: Maybe you could draw some pubes on with a marker pen.
Will: (sarcastic) Oh yes, then maybe I'll draw a six-pack on my stomach! Or a longer cock!
Simon: Or maybe stuff a wig down there.
Will: (exasperatedly sarcastic) Oh...good idea! A cock wig!

Will: I dont have any pubes! I did have pubes, but I had a wet dream and they fell out!

Jay: At least I don't have to wipe old arse for the next three months, just to get a Duke of Spastic award!

Exam Time [2.6][edit]

Jay: Have you had a wank over Will's mum?
Will: Please don't have a wank over my mum!
Neil: I can't promise that, Will.

Simon: I can't believe he's actually brought a bag of shit to the pub with him.
Jay: Your dad brings a bag of shit to the pub with him all the time... your mum.

Simon: (referring to the pub) Come on, let' go, this place is cursed.
Neil: Oh my God, it's haunted?
Simon: No Neil
Neil: Well it might be, like one of those ghost stories, like Harry Potter or the Bible.

Series 3[edit]

The Fashion Show [3.1][edit]

Will: Riding around in Jay's car made me feel like royalty. Unfortunately, the royalty I felt like was Princess Diana.

Will: I'm still exercising my right to protest (about the fashion show)
Mr Gilbert: Good. Just make sure it's not a dirty protest, like the last one.

The Gig And The Girlfriend [3.2][edit]

Will's Mum: Have fun, and if anyone offers you any D-R-U-G-S, be careful.
Will: What?!?
Will's Mum: I overheard you. It's ok, petal. I know boys will be boys, but I can trust *you* to do the responsible thing. I'm very lucky to have you, because you're so boring.
Will: Boring?
Will's Mum: Well, not boring, just scared of things.
Will: Scared??
Will's Mum: Sensible. That's the word I'm looking for, sensible. You're very sensible so I don't have to worry about you as much....because you're so scared.

Jay: Sort me out, geeza.
Dealer: What?
Jay: Please...sort me out, geeza? I've got twenty quid.
Dealer: So? What do you want from me?
Jay: You know, gear?! Sweet Mary Jane. Ganja, man.
Dealer: Oh, so you want to buy drugs! And you came to me. Why?
Neil: Well, because we saw you-
Dealer: Because I'm black? You saw a black guy at a gig and thought 'he must be a drug dealer'?
Jay: No, we didn't...
Dealer: You f*cking white boys are all the same, you know that? Scratch beneath the surface just a little bit and you're RACIST. Yeah, that's right, I said it - racist.
*silence*:
Neil: But...have you got any drugs?
Dealer: Yes, I have, but that's not the point. The point is you *assumed* I had some just because I'm black.
Jay: Could we buy some please?
Dealer: Why should I deal to you? Why should I deal to two little suburban racists who see me as some kind of stereotype? I'm at university!
Neil: But you are a drug dealer as well, yeah?
Dealer: Yes, I do deal, but you keep missing the point!
Jay: Look, here's thirty quid, could we just have some puff?
Dealer: Yes, you can. But only because I'm a dealer. NOT because I'm black.

Will: Can somebody call me an ambulance? Because I'm in trouble. Time is moving really, really slowly, and everything is flat. I need you to call me an ambulance, or failing that, my mummy. I really want my mummy because, and I'm not being dramatic, but I think I might be dead. Is that clear? Mummy or ambulance.

The Will's Dilema [3.3][edit]

Simon: (to Will) You've only kissed three girls. Your type is 'anyone who'll let you'.

Will: (questioning Jay's claims about a cleaner who gave him a blow job): Who was your cleaner, Gary Glitter?

Will:It wouldn't be right
Simon:She's offering to put Your penis in Her mouth,not paying You to lie in Parliament

Tara: What's up, Kezza?
Kerry: *sobbing* He dumped me!
Will: No, I couldn't have, 'cause we were never going out!
Kerry: *sobbing* He used me, and then he dumped me because I'm so big!
Tara: Will, I don't know how you can do this, especially after everything Kerry's been through!
Will: It hasn't been an easy ride for me either! Trying to stay out of her clutches!
Tara: Her dad died last month!
*silence*
Will: Well, that's awful. Obviously. But not-
Tara: What?
Will: Well it's not...it's not relevant, is it?

Will: If you want the truth, Kerry gives out blowjobs like they're going out of fashion and, by all accounts, I'm one of the only ones to have turned her down

Kerry: I'll give you a blowjob.
Will: I'm sure you will.

Neil: Have you had that blowjob, yet?
Will: Yes, Neil, I've had one on the escalator and one in Nandos.
Neil: Really?

The Trip To Warwick [3.4][edit]

Jay: Well when I fingered her, she shit down my arm.

Neil: This has been the best night of my life.

Simon: I'm gonna fuck your fuckin fanny off you twat!

Simon: My penis is hard for you.

Jay: C'mon Iv'e got enough young meat for the both of ya

Jay: (pretending to be Simon) Oh look at me I've got a girlfriend and I love going round hers and listining to her shit music and laughing at her shit jokes and pretending she is fit when she isn't.
Simon: Who isn't that fit?
Jay: Your mum.

Will Is Home Alone [3.5][edit]

Mr. Gilbert: (to Will, in his office): You've got until Monday to find out (who vandalised the roundabout flower display), or it's 'Goodbye, first-rate education, hello, the University of Lincoln'.

Jay: (commenting on Will's house rules) God, it's like staying at the Ritz!
Will: Famous of course for its 'no chucking drinks or toast' policy.

Jay: Ah,yes,Will's mum's vibrator!
Will: That's a rolling pin.
Jay: It's still got that lovely smell.
Will: It's a rolling pin.

Will: (after witnessing his garden's daffodils being destroyed by the other boys):What are you going to do next? Tag up my bedroom?! Piss through my letterbox?!
Neil: Can we?
Will: No! Right! We're going out again! Come on!

Will: Okay, I'd assumed it was a given, but I'll make this clear just in case: No one is to shit in my back garden!!!

Camping Trip [3.6][edit]

Simon: (to his parents): Brilliant(!) You've effectively ended my life. Why not go the whole hog and just shoot me? Or better still, why don't you take me to the vets and have me secretly put down, just like you did with Patch?!

Neil: What is Swansea, is it an animal?

Gilbert: Teachers don't start each day by swearing alliegance to the Education Fairies under a portrait of The Queen. It's not so much a calling as a graveyard for the unlucky and the unambitious. Between you and me, the only reason anyone teaches these days is that they've taken a more relaxed stance on police checks in recent years.

Will: They say the art of teaching is aiding discovery. And Mr. Gilbert had helped me discover that he was a wanker.

Jay: I knocked out a cow in the countryside once, one punch to the face.
Will: Hmmm, course you did.
Jay: But then its mate saw what was going on and I had to scarper from a whole group of them. Managed to get off the gate, but then they stood up on their hind legs and started firing milk at me from their tits!
Will: Udders.
Jay: Yeah, there were loads of them!

Neil: What's an itinerary?
Simon: It's Will's way of taking the fun out of everything.

Will: (after discovering Jay has brought some condoms) We're camping by a lake near a river. What are you hoping to pull, a fish or an owl?
Jay: Look, all those country birds love a bit of big city cock.
Will: You're not from the big city!
Jay: Anywhere with a train station and a Morrisons counts as a city to them!

Will: (narrating): So Simon's shitty yellow Fiat was gone forever. On the bright side, at least Jay didn't beat me at Monopoly.

Neil: (after reading his text from 'Saucy Asda Karen'): I got an STD! Yes,an STD! Whoo!

Simon: How was the trench?
Will: I had to wipe my arse with leaves. And I think there were some ants in there, so I now literally have ants in my pants. And soil, and some earwigs. (boys laugh)