The Joker

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The Joker is a fictional character appearing in comic books published by DC Comics. Debuting in Batman #1 (Spring 1940), he was created by Bill Finger, Bob Kane and Jerry Robinson.

Comic Book Quotes[edit]

By Book[edit]

Batman: The Killing Joke (1988) by Alan Moore with art by Brian Bolland

  • "Ladies and Gentlemen! You've read about it in the papers! Now witness, before your very eyes, that most rare and tragic of nature's mistakes! I give you: the average man. Physically unremarkable, it instead possesses a deformed set of values. Notice the hideously bloated sense of humanity's importance. Also note the club-footed social conscience and the withered optimism. It's certainly not for the squeamish, is it? Most repulsive of all, are its frail and useless notions of order and sanity. If too much weight is placed upon them... they snap. How does it live, I hear you ask? How does this poor pathetic specimen survive in today's harsh and irrational environment? I'm afraid the sad answer is, "Not very well." Faced with the inescapable fact that human existence is mad, random, and pointless, one in eight of them crack up and go stark slavering buggo! Who can blame them? In a world as psychotic as this... any other response would be crazy!"
  • “Remembering’s dangerous. I find the past such a worrying, anxious place. “The Past Tense,” I suppose you’d call it. Memory’s so treacherous. One moment you’re lost in a carnival of delights, with poignant childhood aromas, the flashing neon of puberty, all that sentimental candy-floss… the next, it leads you somewhere you don’t want to go. Somewhere dark and cold, filled with the damp ambiguous shapes of things you’d hoped were forgotten. Memories can be vile, repulsive little brutes. Like children I suppose. But can we live without them? Memories are what our reason is based upon. If we can’t face them, we deny reason itself! Although, why not? We aren’t contractually tied down to rationality! There is no sanity clause! So when you find yourself locked onto an unpleasant train of thought, heading for the places in your past where the screaming is unbearable, remember there’s always madness. Madness is the emergency exit… you can just step outside, and close the door on all those dreadful things that happened. You can lock them away… forever.”
  • "Life's a bowl of cherries and this is the pits"
  • "So... I see you received the free ticket I sent you. I'm glad. I did so want you to be here. You see it doesn't matter if you catch me and send me back to the asylum... Gordon's been driven mad. I've proved my point. I've demonstrated there's no difference between me and everyone else! All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day. You had a bad day once, am I right? I know I am. I can tell. You had a bad day and everything changed. Why else would you dress up as a flying rat? You had a bad day, and it drove you as crazy as everybody else... Only you won't admit it! You have to keep pretending that life makes sense, that there's some point to all this struggling! God you make me want to puke. I mean, what is it with you? What made you what you are? Girlfriend killed by the mob, maybe? Brother carved up by some mugger? Something like that, I bet. Something like that... Something like that happened to me, you know. I... I'm not exactly sure what it was. Sometimes I remember it one way, sometimes another... If I'm going to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice! Ha ha ha! But my point is... My point is, I went crazy. When I saw what a black, awful joke the world was, I went crazy as a coot! I admit it! Why can't you? I mean, you're not unintelligent! You must see the reality of the situation. Do you know how many times we've come close to world war three over a flock of geese on a computer screen? Do you know what triggered the last world war? An argument over how many telegraph poles Germany owed its war debt creditors! Telegraph poles! Ha ha ha ha HA! It's all a joke! Everything anybody ever valued or struggled for... it's all a monstrous, demented gag! So why can't you see the funny side? Why aren't you laughing?"
  • "See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum...and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight...stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren't make the leap. Y'see...y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea...He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... he says 'What do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!'"



Arkham Asylum: A Serious House on Serious Earth (1989) by Grant Morrison with art by Dave McKean

  • "Aren't I just good enough to eat?"
  • "April sweet is coming in, let the feast of fools begin!"
  • "The guy goes into the hospital, okay? His wife's just had a baby and he can't wait to see them both. So he meets the doctor and he says, 'Oh, Doc, I've been so worried. How are they?' And the doctor smiles and says, 'They're fine. Just fine. Your wife's delivered a healthy baby boy and they're both in tip-top form. You're one lucky guy.' So the guy rushes into the maternity ward with his flowers. But it's empty. His wife's bed is empty. 'Doc?' He says and turns around and the doctor and all the nurses wave their arms and scream in his face. 'April fools! Your wife's dead and the baby's a spastic!!'" (he executes an asylum orderly with a gunshot to the head) "Get it? Oh what a senseless waste of human life!"
  • "Parting is such sweet sorrow, dearest. Still, you can't say we didn't show you a good time. Enjoy yourself out there... in the asylum. Just don't forget -- if it ever gets too tough... there's always a place for you here."
  • "Oh, yes! Fill the churches with dirty thoughts! Introduce honesty to the White House! Write letters in dead languages to people you've never met! Paint filthy words on the foreheads of children! Burn your credit cards and wear high heels! Asylum doors stand open! Fill the suburbs with murder and rape! Divine madness! Let there be ecstasy, ecstasy in the streets! Laugh and the world laughs with you!"


The Joker: Devil's Advocate (1995) by Chuck Dixon with art by Graham Nolan

  • "And he didn't die all at once. It was hours before the screaming stopped. I almost didn't get to sleep that night. That was the last time I'd used crushed glass..."
  • "I have been witness to genius in the area of this criminal endeavor. ... The kidnapping of the mayor. The crippling of the city on numerous occasions. Oh, and my glorious abduction of the commissioner and his daughter. MASS MURDER, MAIMINGS, TORTURE AND TERROR! I'VE DONE IT ALL, LADY! YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE EINSTEIN OF CRIME! Sticking some poison on the back of some postage stamps, lady? Amateur night in Dixie. Simple as that."
  • [when Tommy Mangles is about to murder the Joker after telling him that apologies don't work] "Really? [attacks Mangles repeatedly] Well, what if I was really sorry? Would that make a-- difference? Would that satisfy you? If I was really... really... REALLY... REALLY... REALLY... SORRY? WELL, I'M NOT!"

Video Games[edit]

Batman: Arkham Asylum[edit]

  • "Stand back, fool, he-he-he, I've got a bomb! Oh, right."
  • "Over?! Why, my dear, delusional Dark Knight, it hasn't even begun!"
  • "Anyone seen the big bad Bat yet? I warn you, he may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you, he really is an idiot!"
  • "Paging Doctor Bat, paging Doctor Bat! Is there a Doctor Bat in the room?"
  • "Good evening, residents of Joker Asylum! Some of our...crazier guests have crashed the party early, and when I say crazy, I mean REAL psycho. Word of warning, if anyone sees a dribbling fool barking at the moon or maybe just purring like a kitten, do your civic duty. Walk up to them, put your arm around them, show them that you care...before you wring their necks!"
  • [During the official "Play as the Joker" trailer] "Plans, plans, plans. They always have their plans. But the problem with their plan... is that when you take an insane person to the asylum, you're just taking him home - the very place he knows best."
  • "Welcome to the madhouse, Batman! I set a trap and you sprang it gloriously! Now let's get this party started."
  • [While talking to Harley Quinn] "Oh, you little minx, I could never stay mad at you."
  • "What's up, doc? Need to take my temperature? I'd be happy to drop my pants."
  • "I like you boys. What you lack in brains, you make up in heart. Oh, and speaking of heart… bring me Batman's." [laughs]
  • "Ladies and murderers! Welcome to the big fight. Batman, you're going down!"
  • "Ooh. Whatcha sneaking with you, Bats? Oh come on, tell me, tell me. Batarangs? Batclaws? Ooh! Batsnacks?"
  • [After first encountering Killer Croc] "That reminds me, I really need to get me some new shoes."
  • [Seeing Killer Croc come up the elevator] "Croc, old boy! Is that you?"
  • [Talking to Scarface] "Why didn't you stop Batman?" [switches to Scarface] "Me?! It was your plan, you goofy clown!" [switches back to himself] "I'm sending you back to the Ventriloquist where you belong!" [throws Scarface on the ground]
  • "You had to spoil everything, didn't you? Beating up Bane, feeding Scarecrow to Croc, slapping around Harley - my hobby, by the way! - and ruining all my lovely Venom plants."
  • "I can take it. I can take anything you throw at me, Bats."
  • "Tell me, Bats. What are you really scared of? Failing to save this cesspool of a city? Not finding the Commissioner in time? Me, in a thong?!" [laughs]
  • "C'mon, Bats, get crazy. It's the only way to beat me!"
  • "Joker here! I'd just like to remind all our inmates that here in Joker Asylum we only abide by one rule! Punishment for breaking that rule is death. No buts, ifs or ands! But you want to know what's the best thing about this rule? It's a secret! Ha ha!"
  • "Five... Four... Three... Two... One... BOOM! Just kidding!" [Begins laughing hysterically]
  • "Ohh, isn't that cute? Little Bats asleepin'! (aside) Someone finish him off."
  • "*tsk tsk tsk* Gotta say, I thought you'd last longer."
  • [about to shoot Batman in Scarecrow's final mind game] "Let's get this party started - with a bang!"
  • "Oh, you're ruining my big night! Months of planning down the crapper! I just wanted to bring down your grim facade, and for once let you see the world as I see it, giggling in a corner and bleeding! But you've denied me even that. I have nothing left to live for." [injects himself with Titan]

Batman: Arkham City[edit]

  • "Twinkle, twinkle, little bat. Watch me kill your favorite cat."
  • "Well, look who it is. I haven't seen you for... how long as it been? Let's see, there was an asylum, some monsters, and oh, that's right! You left me to die. Now you probably don't remember it that way, but who cares? You just need to worry about the bombs. Hurry up, now. Clock's ticking."
  • "5! ...4! ...3! ...2! ...1! See you soon, Bats. ...What are you waiting for? We both know how this is going to turn out: you're going to come and find me. You can't stop yourself, can you? Sometimes I wonder if all this would just end with one of us looking down at the other's corpse, trying to work out what to do next? The only question is, whose body will it be? I know who I'm rooting for! [giggles] What about you? [laughs madly] Now, get out of there now, or you'll ruin everything!!!"
  • [as Clayface-Joker] "You fell for the old fake Joker gag, Batman! You left me to die! {starts laughing}"
  • "Nice of you to say, but you of all people should know, there's plenty wrong with me. Take my blood, for example. I wish somebody would - this stuff is killing me!"
  • "Is someone feeling a little down? Well, cheer up, Bats; it won't kill ya.... Oops!"
  • "It's ok to die, Bats, I'll be here to protect Gotham! I'll do a real good job."
  • [as Clayface-Joker] "Good evening, Troops! This is General J here, with a quick update on what's going on down here in Arkham City. As you can see, I'm looking much better. In fact, ohhh, I think I'm looking better than ever! Ha! Oh, I can hear you all now: "How did this happen?" "Can I get me some of that crazy cure?" "Oh, I want answers, damn it! NOW!" Well, here's the thing. Answers don't give you everlasting satisfaction, sometimes you have to brace yourself for disappointment. Now think about it. Imagine your favorite TV show. You've been through it all. The ups, the downs, the crazy coincidences, and then: BANG! They tell you what it's all about. [the real Joker coughs behind the camera] Would you be happy? Does it make sense? How come it all ended in a church?"
  • [as Clayface-Joker] "Oh, come on! There's always something to learn. Let's start with 'Getting Your Ass Kicked 101.'"
  • "Now you wanna talk? Too late."
  • "So how do you keep a secret from the World's Greatest Detective? Well, do you know? You stick it right in front of him, right under his long pointy nose, and wait."
  • "Confusing, isn't it? I know I'd want to know just what the hell is going on if I were you. Let's just say in times like these, it's important to keep up [coughs] appearances. But first, if you would be so kind... Hand. Over. My. Cure."
  • "Ladies and Gentlemen, for one night only, standing in for yours truly, ha, and doing a damn fine job of it, I bring you... CLAYFACE!"
  • "You're making me late for spa treatment. I mean, it's not like you've got a girl to save anymore, is it?! [laughs] Oh, I'm sorry! Too soon? Would a change of scenery help ease the pain?" [detonates the floor below Batman and Clayface]
  • "Get out of the way, Bats! I've got a date with immortality!"
  • "I've killed your girlfriend, poisoned Gotham, and hell... it's not even breakfast! But so what? We all know you'll save me."
  • "Think of it as a running gag!" [Stabs Batman in the back, dropping the cure and the Joker's only chance of survival]
  • [After being told by Batman that he would have saved him after ensuring his own death] "That actually is... [coughs] pretty funny..." [Joker dies laughing with a smile on his face]

Batman: Arkham Origins[edit]

  • "Hurry! Batman's just had his way with one of you! Now that's a spicy meat-a-ball!"
  • "Well, sounds like I can cross 'hear a grown man cry' off my Christmas list. Thanks, fellas!"
  • "You're saying that after I shot him, and blew up a building on him, the Bat - somehow survived?!!?"
  • [to Black Mask] "Can't... you... just... play... along?!"
  • "Aww, too bad, so sad!"
  • "Looks like I'm gonna need to find a new playmate. Oh, and we were having so much fun, too!"
  • "Aww, gotta say, I thought you'd have more fight in you! A LOT more fight!"
  • "Ding dong! The bat is dead! Which old bat? The dumb old bat! Ding dong, the dumb old bat is dead!"
  • "I present to you: the death of the Batman!"
  • "If you actually let me finish a sentence, you might learn something! You might learn we're not so different. You might even learn something about yourself."
  • "Mmm! This fruitcake is fantastic! (pause, stabs the knife on the table) Anyone want a piece?"
  • "You see, it's a tradition in my house to open one present on Christmas Eve... let's see... how about... this one? [blows up an empty building under construction, then laughs evilly and sings a bit of "The 12 Days of Christmas"] And a partridge in a pear treeee!"
  • [sings] "Jingle bells, Batman smells, Gotham's quite a mess! Blackgate's mine and you're out of time, which means you'll soon be dead!" [laughs]
  • [sings] "Where, oh where has my little Bat gone? Oh where, oh where can he be? His cowl, his scowl, his temper so foul. I do hope he's coming for me." [evil laugh]
  • "So, what our friend Bane holds in his hand is - a heart monitor. Once he clamps it on, every beat of his vacant little heart will charge the battery - on this electric chair. And when it's fully charged - [mimicks being electrocuted, laughs]"
  • [sees that Gordon has taken the bullet for Warden Joseph] "Well, that's the Christmas spirit!"
  • [after Batman has "killed" Bane] "Well, I'd love to stay and celebrate your victory, but I've got stockings to stuff, mistletoe to hang - and about fifteen skyscrapers to blow up before sunrise. Ciao." [leaves with a laugh]
  • [to Batman] "Fresh off a kill and back for more, eh?"
  • "Come on, baby! Beat me 'til your knuckles bleed... And why quit there? You know there's only one way to stop me."
  • "All aboard the Bane train!"
  • "You of all people should know, there's nothing so cruel as memory.... the pointy biting little thunderbolts, unwanted party crashers, SCREAMERS through your synapses.. inescapable, unrelenting.... not at all friendly. You can't even escape into MADNESS!"
  • "Isn't it funny how one little encounter can cleave off little pieces of your past, deform your memories and persona until you rethink your whole identity — and as you realise how foolish it all is — your laughter reverberates off the walls of your own emptiness?"

Miscellaneous[edit]

  • "The police just backed me up in a gunfight....Gotham has finally gone insane!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
    • The Batman
  • "Yay! We're all going to Hell!"
    • Mortal Kombat VS DC Universe (2008 video game)
  • "There's two things Lex forgot to tell you about me: I don't CARE what happens to the world, and I DON'T play nice with others!"
    • Mortal Kombat VS DC Universe
  • "If I weren't crazy, I'd be insane!"
    • Batman: Dark Detective
  • (to Superman) "More powerful than a locomotive, and just about as subtle."
    • Superman/Batman: World's Finest
  • "It's true, Batsy! I know everything! And kinda like the kid who peeks at his Christmas presents, I must admit, it's sadly anti-climatic. Behind all the sturm and batarang, you're just a little boy in a playsuit crying for mommy and daddy. It'd be funny if it weren't so pathetic...... Oh, what the heck, I'll laugh anyway! HA! HA! HA! HA! HAAAA!"
    • Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker
  • "They could put me in a helicopter and fly me up into the air and line up the bodies head to toe on the ground in delightful geometric patterns like an endless June Taylor dancers routine — and it would never be enough. No, I don’t keep count. But you do. And I love you for it."
    • Batman: The Dark Knight Returns
  • "You dirty rat! You killed my brother! My sister! My daughter! She's my sister and my daughter!"
    • Batman: Dark Victory
  • "Lady, you're harder to kill than a cockroach on steroids"
    • Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm (comic adaptation)
  • (to Batman) "Quick question. When the clock strikes twelve, do I get a little kiss?"
    • Batman: The Long Halloween
  • "Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps, Cross-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants. I come before you, to stand behind you, to tell you a story I know nothing about. One bright morning in the middle of the night two dead fellows stood up to fight. They stood back to back, facing each other, drew their swords and shot one another. If you don't believe my lie, it's true, ask the blind lady on the corner, she saw it too."
    • Emperor Joker
  • (To Harley as he turns her into a Constellation) "You get the best seat in the house for Armageddon. Say goodnight, Harley. I always wanted to see my dame in lights. Heh. Even in a moment of abject saccharine, I still got it."
    • Emperor Joker
  • (discovers that he has killed Batman) "I can't believe it. He's... he's actually gone. Let's take a moment to reflect on the passing of a man who was more than just another do-gooder in tights. He was the best arch-nemesis a sociopath could ask for. [pauses a bit, then...] Okay, let's do it again!" [brings Batman back to life]
    • Batman: The Brave and the Bold: Emperor Joker! (animated adaptation of the comic book of the same name)
  • "Oh, Batman, if you had the guts for that kind of fun you would've done it years ago. I, on the other hand..."
    • Batman Beyond: Return of The Joker(Distracts Batman by gesturing with the right hand while drawing a knife in his left)
  • "If I weren't insane: I couldn't be so brilliant!"
    • Dreadful Birthday Dear Joker
  • "What good is my money? Can I spend it like other people? No! Can I go to movies and ball games? No! The only way I can leave this hideout is in disguise... I'm doomed to a living death... [gets a epiphany] Death!... Now that may be a way out for me... That's it... The Joker must die!"
  • (when asked if he will really reform) "Of course not! My business will go on as usual...the important thing is that I'll be free! The Joker shall die so that he may live again!"
    • Detective Comics #64 ("The Joker Walks the Last Mile")
  • (as he is being led to his execution as part of his master plan) "So this is the famous Last Mile, eh? Don't cry, boys...this will hurt me worse than it'll hurt you! Ha! Ha!"
    • Detective Comics #64 ("The Joker Walks the Last Mile")
  • "Reclaimed from the dead! All crimes paid for! The slate wiped clean! The Joker is free! Ha! Ha!"
    • Detective Comics #64 ("The Joker Walks the Last Mile")
  • "Oh, well...I suppose the Joker's holiday had to end some time!"
    • Detective Comics #64 ("The Joker Walks the Last Mile")
  • [Trying to patent "jokerized" fish]"But the fish share my unique face! If Colonel What's-His-Name can have chickens, when they donť even have moustaches-- And you deny this to me!"
    • Detective Comics #475
  • "I did it! I finally killed Batman! In front of a bunch of vulnerable, disabled kids!!! Now get me Santa Claus!"
    • Batman #655
  • "Both of us trying to find meaning in a meaningless world! Why be disfigured outcast when I can be a notorious Crime God? Why be an orphaned boy when you can be a superhero?"
    • Batman #663
  • "You can't kill me without becoming like me! I can't kill you without losing the only human being who can keep up with me! Isn't it IRONIC?"
    • Batman #663
  • "The real joke is your stubborn, bone deep conviction that somehow, somewhere, all of this makes sense! That's what cracks me up each time!"
    • Batman #681
  • "You actually believed that all it would take is a few chemicals, a couple of days in drug-induced isolation and a cheap little nervous breakdown and you'd have me all figured out? Like there was some rabbit hole you could follow me down to understanding?"
    • Batman #681
  • "You really want to know what it feels like to be the clown at midnight? Where there's only ever one joke and it's always on you? Well, here you are. Now do you get it?"
    • Batman #681
  • "I'd Like to bet you have no idea what you dealing with, I bet Double or nothing, batman crawls out of that shallow grave with his faculties intact and hunts you down like the dogs you all are."
    • Batman #681
  • "If the police expect to play against the Joker, they'd better be prepared to be dealt from the bottom of the deck!"
    • Batman #1
  • (to Judge Drake) "You can't win anyway... You see, I hold the winning card!"
    • Batman #1
  • "In my dream, the world had suffered a terrible disaster. A black haze shut out the sun, and the darkness was alive with the moans and screams of wounded people. Suddenly, a small light glowed. A candle flickered into life, symbol of hope for millions. A single tiny candle, shining in the ugly dark. I laughed and blew it out."
    • Shadow Of The Bat #37
  • "It's a clear choice -- me or Pettit. Vote or die. Cancer or tuberculosis."
    • Detective Comics #737
  • "Every clown loves kids, captain. Just ask Sarah-Essen-Gordon. Oh, that's right, you can't!"
    • Gotham Central #15
  • (As Nightwing pummels him) "Aw... Jeez... I hit Jason a lot harder than that. (Pause) His name was Jason, right?"
    • Joker: Last Laugh #6

Movies and Television Quotes[edit]

The Dark Knight - Joker
Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker
Batman (1989 film)

Quotes about the Joker[edit]

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
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