The Longest Yard (2005 film)

The Longest Yard is a 2005 American sports comedy film and remake of the 1974 film of the same name. The movie features inmates at a prison who play football against their guards. Adam Sandler plays the protagonist, Paul Crewe, an ex pro-football quaterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Burt Reynolds, the original Paul Crewe, plays a major role as Nate Scarborough, the head coach and a former Heisman Trophy winner for Oklahoma in 1955, and Chris Rock as Crewe's cell neighbor and friend known as Caretaker.

Paul Crewe

• Let's do it.
• [To Caretaker] You're about as maniacal as a box full of kittens.
• You took a shit in my toilet?
• Yes, it is.
• Yes, it is.
• [after being pulled over by cops] Here, you can finish this beer for me... I've got five more!
• [to the short cop] Now listen here, Mr. Frodo. Don't get short with me.
• Shit does happen. I mean, look what happened to your ears.
• [on TV after he crashes his girlfriend's car] Hey, Lena. I think we should start seeing other people!
• [After crashing into several cop cars] Good news, boys! I didn't spill my beer!
• You play football?

Caretaker

• Can you give a brother a little hussle?
• We're playing footballs, not balls-balls.
• Ain't you guys glad you have a black man for a friend?
• Hey, you're white, Smile!
• Switowski? That's one brother. a lonely nigga, this ain't hockey!
• Look in your toilet, I left you a surprise.
• No, that's what I left in Brucey's toilet.
• Me? No, I was so bad I was picked after the white kids. Guys would look at me and say, "Damn, we picked the only nigger can't play."
• Well, we didn't get the whole chocolate bar, but we got a Hershey kiss.

Cheeseburger Eddy

• I knew you couldn't resist my shit. I got the shakes that will make you quake, I got the fries that will cross your eyes, I got the burgers that will... I just got burgers.
• You always have to protect the McNuggets.
• Enjoy it, fat man.
• It ain't easy being cheesy!

Nate Scarborough

• That was a bullshit call!
• Well, we may not have the most talented team, but we definitely have the meanest.
• I'll take it.

Earl Megget

• Y'all got a running back?

Joey Battle

• Who gives a shit!

Captain Knauer

• You got a lot of balls, Crewe. you played a hell of a game. and don't worry, I know you had nothing to do with Caretaker's murder, and I'll back that up.

Dialogue

Paul: Huddle up! Look, I'm sure you already know this, but I've never said it out loud. I *did* throw that game. I did it. I was in a bad way with some worse people. After I did it, I felt so shitty, I wish I would have just let them kill me instead. Now the warden wants to pin Caretaker's murder on me if I don't throw *this* game. So it looks like I'm going to get to know you guys a lot better because I ain't doing that twice in a lifetime. We got a little time left. We can still do this. I'm begging you. Put your hands in here. Okay, thank you. Who are we?

[team shouts, "Mean Machine!", and takes the field]

Turley: I'm glad you're back. Now I don't have to stab you.

---

Caretaker: Now who we gonna crush?

Crowd: THE GUARDS!

Caretaker: Who we gonna kill?

Crowd: THE GUARDS!

Caretaker: Who we gonna KISS?

Brucey: THE GUARDS!

Caretaker: Gotcha!!