The Love Guru

The Love Guru is a 2008 American comedy film, directed by Marco Schnabel and starring Mike Myers and Jessica Alba. Romany Malco and Justin Timberlake co-star. In addition to starring in the film, Myers wrote The Love Guru with Graham Gordy and produced it with Gary Barber. The film was released by Paramount Pictures on June 20, 2008 and was rated PG-13. The film was released on August 1 in the United Kingdom, and has been rated 12A.

Directed by Marco Schnabel. Written by Mike Myers.

Guru Pitka

• In my Book, If you're happy and you know it, Think again. I speak of the teachings of Intimacy, or Into-Me-I-See. Intimacy is like putting your Wiener on a table and having someone say. 'Hey, That looks like a Penis, Only smaller!' [Laughs] Only Smaller...

• Although i was raised here in India, I was born in America. Which is where our journey begins it's the story of a hockey player, named Darren Roanoke. My most resistant student, who became my greatest teacher... Or some such bullshit, I don't know.

• Dick Pants... send him in.

• Guru Pitka had a farm. EIEIO. And in that farm he did no harm. EIEIO.

• milk milk lemonade this is where the fudge is made

• BIBLE

Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth

• Dont peck my fucking eyes!

• Marishka Hargitay Jessica simpson.
• Marishka Hargitay Val Kilmer.
• Marishka Hargitay... Marishka Hargitay.

• Tonight I want you to go from nowhere to NOW HERE.

• Is it made out of dog? Is it a dog's tingy, am I being punk'd?

If you ever sucker punch me again, I'll kick your ass all the way back to the keebler factory.

I have two tattoos. One of them is DRAMA tatto and the other is a picture of daffy duck pushing a lawn mower through my pubes.

Let's make like a baby and head out.

Cherkoff: Hey Pitka!

Pitka:yes?

CHerkoff: What's the capital of thailand?!

Pitka:Bangkok.(shrugs)

Cherkoff:exactly

(cherkoff punches him in the crotch) clunk*

{hockey team members groan and cover their crotches while Jane gasps

Pitka:{hunches over, covering crotch}OHHHHHHHH!Omarashiff my ''''BALLS'''' !'

{falls to the ground} MY 'BALLS' YOU PRICK! herkoff:Stay down bitch

Pitka:ok(nods)

• I don't know what you're talking about. (coughs up feathers)

• THE ULTIMATE DISTRACTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• Well, it looks more like Gay Skin. (laughs)

• I lied. She is still with Le Coq, and he still has the biggest Weiner in history.

• I WANNA SING!

• Go Speedy. Ride like a cowboy.

Guru Pitka's books

• Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Why are you still hitting yourself?

• Whats this? A dead one of these.

• If you're happy and you know it think again.

• Does that hurt when you do that? Then don't do that.

Short Jokes

• Take it easy Frodo

• I'm sorry i didn't catch your gnome...NAME!

• (To Jane) Come by my ashram tonight and I'll explain everything, Coach CherKov I would invite you but i know you have your meeting with the lollipop guild.

• (after punching Cherkov) If you ever sucker punch me in the nuts again I'll kick your ass all the way back to the Keebler factory.

Hockey Night

First Broadcast

[Trent] Hey I'm Trent Lueders.

[Jay] And I'm Jay Kell. Tonight, is all about champions. But before we get going, I'd like to start by thanking my own personal champions, The Fans who helped me with their cards and letters through my recent addiction to Payote Buttons and Franjelico. I've already apologized to my friends, my family and my god. Now i would like to apologize to Dame Judy Dench for my Ruthless and Vicious attack, I'm sorry Judy, You did not deserve that and I hope the staples come out soon. Over to you Trent...

[Trent] [Pause as Trent stares at Jay with a bewildered look] Thanks Jay, Tonight. Toronto Maple Leaves Darren Roanoke is the center for our player profile.

[Jay] Hockey has it's legends, now the new one, Darren Roanoke. Known as the Tiger Woods of Hockey, Roanoke brought the sport to a whole new audience. A Role Model, Turned Bad Boy. He was in the perfect marriage, But before the play-offs he stunned the world by seperating from his wife prudence. From role Model, to dating models... [Stupid smile on Jay's face and a long pause] Roanoke found out his wife prudence was dating the legendary LA Kings French-Canadian Goalie Jacques "Le Coq" Grande. He earned his nickname for reasons that cannot be stated on this programme. [Short interview where Le Coq reveals his huge penis and scrotum to an Interviewer who says 'Holy ****'] That's when roanoke fell apart. [Clips of Roanoke getting beaten down in hockey games] But the question on everyone's mind is, Can the Leaves win without roanoke?