The Nostalgia Critic

The Nostalgia Critic is an internet character created by Douglas Darien Walker, focusing on reviewing various movies and TV shows in a comical manner.

Recurring lines

• Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to!

First line spoken in each video

• I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to!

Final line spoken in each video

• Why top 11? Because I like to go one step beyond.

Said in Top 11 videos

• And the #1 ___ is...

Revealing the #1 spot of the Top 11.

• Is it me or ___?

Recurring Line

• Big Lipped Alligator Moment!

Pointing out a bizarre pointless scene in a movie

• Of course!

A recurring clip from the Street Fighter:The Movie indicating the villain is trying to take over the world

Episodes

Transformers

• Nostalgia Critic: This is the SHIT!

Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue

• Nostalgia Critic: So for weeks, we'd been waiting in anticipation, and finally the big day came. It was Saturday morning; all the kids are up, and we're hyped as hell! And who do they get to start off this ground breaking event? None other than the goddamn President of the United States himself! Oh, my God! George Bush is starting this thing off! ...Oh, my God. George Bush is starting this thing off; that can't be good. He goes on and on about how listening to your parents is important and about how to maintain the American family, but when you're a kid hyped up as hell, all you can hear is, [in child's voice] "Bla bla bla! I'm an old person! Bla bla bla! I'm keeping you from your cartoons! Bla bla bla!"
• Nostalgia Critic: So after he's done blabbing, the show finally begins. And it's just like the commercials say, everybody's there. The Smurfs, Ghostbusters, Garfield, Alf... For some reason... I dunno maybe he snuck in the back, I dunno. But bottom line, everybody's there, it's unbelievable, it's a dream come true. So, now that all of our favorite cartoon characters are together in one spot, what are they gonna talk about?

Simon: Marijuana

Nostalgia Critic: [puts hand to ear] 'Cuse me?

Power Rangers

• Nostalgia Critic: I have to admit, growing up, I wasn't really a Power Rangers kid. I was more in the Ninja Turtles/X-Men kind of crowd. In fact, when the show first premiered, I remember saying to myself, "There's no way this is gonna catch on. People can't possibly be this stupid!" And this is why I'm not in the stock market. The show, about six bland teenagers, who saved the world from Japanese stock footage was such a huge hit that they eventually made a movie about them in 1995. And does it suck balls...? [mouths, "Oh yeah"] ...Major balls. In fact, the only difference between the movie version and the show was that the movie version actually has a budget. But instead of using it on mind-blowing special effects and high-tech wizardry... they use it to go skydiving. In fact, that's how the movie begins: with skydiving. Like someone threw a whole bunch of money at the producers, and they said, [in a Southern accent] "YEE-HA! We're goin' skydivin'! Bring the camera along! I'm sure we'll fit it in the movie somehow!"

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

• Nostalgia Critic: Teenage Mutant Fuckin' Ninja Turtles. This is the shit. When we were growin' up, Ninja Turtles were everywhere. Comic books, TV shows, breakfast cereals. They even had a pie named after 'em! It tasted like splooge, but we didn't care; as long as it had the Ninja Turtles on it, we were happy. So when we heard they were actually making a live action movie based on this phenomenon, we proudly pissed our pants with joy. We shit ourselves with excitement. We vomited up vast amounts of excrement, shit on it, rolled around in it, put it back in our mouths and proceeded to vomit it up again in roaring anticipation. Okay, maybe only I did that. But still, bottom line, we were hyped as hell.

Top 11 Scariest Nostalgic Moments

• NC: Number 11: The wicked Witch from the Wizard of Oz. For many kids, the Wizard of Oz was the first movie they ever saw. So naturally, the wicked Witch was the first villain they ever came across. And man, did she freak us out, with her green skin, big nose and black attire, This wicked Bitch of the north made us all cry out "There's no place like home!" If you can believe this, this actress actually used to be a kindergarten teacher. Jesus Christ, imagine her greeting you on your first day of school!

Wicked Witch: Wanna play ball? [Throws fireball]

NC: [Screams]

• NC: Number 5: The Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Good GOD was this guy creepy. When your parents said stay away from strangers with candy, this guy was probably the person they were talking about.

Child Catcher: Lollipops!

NC: He embodied everything about what children envisioned bad men looked like. In fact, to be honest, he's a little creepier now than he was back then. He looks like one of those guys you catch on Myspace trying to pick up 10 year old boys. Whatever reason he creeps you out, he's one bad customer. And my guess is he'll be ringing your doorbell reading a court-required notice sometime soon.

[The Child catcher attacks some children]

NC: AAH!

• NC: Number 4: Large Marge from PeeWee's Big Adventure. This is a funny movie whether you're a kid or an adult. However there's one scene that just comes out of nowhere. It involves a truck driver named Large Marge who starts telling a ghost story about the worst accident she's ever seen.

Large Marge: And when they finally pulled the driver's body from the twisted... Burning... wreck... it looked like... THIS! [Turns to Pee-wee and makes grotesque face]

Peewee: AAAAAAAHHH!!!

NC: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! She was just telling a story, all of a sudden [Imitates Large Marge] I mean it just comes out of nowhere and catches everyone off guard, even the adults. We find out later that the Large Marge that PeeWee was riding with was actually...

Woman at Restaurant: A ghost.

NC: [Sighs] At least I don't have to see that sequence agai-

Large Marge: [Makes her grotesque face again]

NC: AAAAAHH! Can't we cut to a less frightening part of the movie?

[Cut to the scene with the doctor]

NC: [Sighs] That's better.

Doctor: [pulls down his mask to reveal a freaky mouth and laughs]

NC: AAAAAAAHHH!!!

Super Mario Bros. (movie)

• Nostalgia Critic: So, let's see... What's wrong with this horse's ass of a movie? Well, for starters, the graphics in the game are actually better than the graphics in the opening—that's strike one. Koopa is a human being instead of a dragon—that's strike two. And two Italian plumbers are played by a British man and a Latino—and that's strike three. You know what, what the hell? Five minutes into this movie, and it already has three strikes against it! This is going to suck ass! Alright, so the film centers around a love story between Luigi and the only good-looking archeologist in the entire world, Daisy. The chemistry is about as awkward as Tom Cruise and... well, I guess anyone he's dated.

Luigi: [while walking with Daisy] I wanna apologize right now, in case when I start to get talking, and I start to say things that sound really weird...

Nostalgia Critic: Don't worry, Luigi. It's not you, it's just bad writing. Upon taking her out to dinner, we find out that the Mario Brothers aren't even brothers at all. They're father and son!

Luigi: Mario here brought me up.

Nostalgia Critic: But wait a minute, doesn't Mario specifically at one point say...

Mario: Mario Brothers Plumbing!

Nostalgia Critic: ...and isn't it the title of the stinking movie? [clip of the movie title, holding up videotape] So wait, what are you trying to say? They're... they're father and son and brothers?

Luigi: He's been my mother my whole life! [NC drops the videotape, followed by clips of Mario and Luigi together with the theme music from Brokeback Mountain playing]

Nostalgia Critic: You're messed up, movie, you're fucking messed up!

Cloverfield

• Nostalgia Critic: Well, let me tell you something: THIS. FILM. WAS. OKAY! Just... okay. I mean, not good, not bad, it's just... okay. How was the monster? It's okay. How was the acting? It's okay. How are the special effects? It's all okay! It's like a giant, flaming nuclear ball of ADEQUACY!

Street Fighter & Mortal Kombat

• Nostalgia Critic: Then Guile delivers a speech that even George W. would find epically ridiculous.

Guile: Our superiors say the war is cancelled. We can all go home.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh good, I don't know how much more of this movie I could take!

Guile: Bison is getting paid off for his crimes, and our friends will have died here. But... we can all go home.

Nostalgia Critic: Yes yes yes, very tragic. I got things to do, so I'm just—

Guile: Meanwhile, ideals like peace, freedom, and justice, they get packed up. But... we can all go home.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, we would, if you would stop yapping your trap.

Guile: Well, I'm not going home.

Nostalgia Critic: No no no, don't do this to me, Van Damme! You said I could go home!

Guile: I'm going to get on my boat, and I'm going to kick that son of a bitch Bison's ass...

Nostalgia Critic: Heart of a poet.

Guile: Now, who wants to go home? [NC raises hand meekly] And who wants to go with me?! [soldiers cheer]

Nostalgia Critic: [Falls forward and hits the desk in frustration] No, NO, NO!

• Nostalgia Critic: Looking for guidance, our heroes turn to Raiden for some more advice.

Raiden: I have nothing further to teach you.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, now you shut the fuck up! The one time we actually need your advice, and you have none to give! What kind of highlander are you, anyway?

Raiden: Sorry.

Nostalgia Critic: The least you could do is tell us where he's taking her!

Raiden: The emperor's castle.

Nostalgia Critic: The emperor's asshole?!

Johnny Cage: Nooooooo!!!

Nostalgia Critic: Actually, he was referring to the mystical realms of Outworld. And no, that is not another name for San Francisco. This horrifying dimension has the incredible terror of knocked-over statues, um... knocked-over statues, and... uh... some more knocked-over statues. Oh, and a creature known as Reptile, who's kind of like a mix between Finding Nemo and Satan's ass.

Space Jam

• Nostalgia Critic: Y'know, I love the Looney Tunes. Who doesn't? They're funny, they're clever, they're unique, they're absolutely wonderful. And you wanna know what else? I love basketball. Again, who doesn't? It's fun, it's intense, it gives you a rush of energy; it's also absolutely wonderful. However, you want to be sure to keep these two elements as far away from each other as humanly possible, because if you don't, YOU GET FUCKING SPACE JAM!!! THE WORSE PIECE OF COMMERCIALIZED, HALF-BAKED HORSESHIT THAT EVER HIT THE—OK. All right, I apologize. I just really hate it when Hollywood takes not one, but two of the things that I hold so dear to me and poisons it with an undiluted urine-filled backwash that I hate so much. So with that said, let's take a look how these two wonderful pastimes got transformed into the cimematic gang-rape that lies before us.

The Angry Video Game Nerd

• Nostalgia Critic: There is no curse in Elvish, Entish, or the tongues of Men for this treachery! Last week, I officially launched my new website ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com. To advertise it, I created a trailer filled with zooming text, bright flashes and some fast-speed editing. Not a few days later, I posted a detailed list of what movies I was gonna review next. First, a short tribute to Animaniacs, and then The Wizard—a 1980's film that was sponsored by Nintendo. Right now, I'm about half-way through editing and so far, no complaints. But then, less than 24 hours later, take a look at what the Angry Video Game Nerd posted on his site! [shows the trailer] Gee! It's a trailer! Filled with zooming text, bright flashes and some fast-speed editing! Oh! And it also turns out that the guy who reviews nothing but video games is also reviewing a movie! Which movie, you may ask? Well, how about The fucking Wizard? [beat] You... dirty... stuck-up... sadistic... shit-eating, cock-sucking, butt-fucking, penis-smelling, crotch-grabbing, ball-licking, semen-drinking, dog-raping, Nazi-loving, child-touching, cow-humping, perverted, spineless, heartless, mindless, dickless, testicle-choking, urine-gargling, jerk-offing, horse face, sheep-fondling, toilet-kissing, self-centered, feces-puking, dildo-shoving, snot-spitting, crap-gathering, big-nosed, monkey-slapping, bastard-screwing, bean-shitting, fart-knocking, sack-busting, splooge-tasting, bear-blowing, head-swallowing, bitch-snatching, handjobbing, donkey-caressing, mucus-spewing, anal-plugging, ho-grabbing, uncircumsized, sewer-sipping, whore mongering, piss-swimming, midget-munching, douche bag, ho-biting, carnivorous, mail-order prostituting ASSHOLE!!! You just couldn't let me get to it first, could ya?! You just had to steal my thunder! So, it seems that the Angry Video Game Nerd has officially become the Irate Gamer to my incredible genius! [crowd boos] OK, OK, all right... that was too far. But still, the evidence stands. I posted my list of reviews on April 21, and the Angry Video Game Nerd posted his review on April 22. That means he had to write the material, set up the shots, shoot the video, transfer it, edit it, and post it on his website, all in less than 24 hours. [beat] What kind of sick, jealous rage pushes a man to such limits?\

Online Logo Design

Pokémon: The First Movie

• Nostalgia Critic: I have to tell you, I had a hard time finding this damn film, not because it's rare or anything, but because there's like a million of them! How am I supposed to know where to start? There's one called Pokemon Heroes—is THAT the first movie? There's another called Mewtwo Strikes Back—is THAT the first movie? There's another one called Pokemon 2000; well, what the hell does that mean? Is it the date it came out or is it the 2,000th film? There's so damn many of them, I'd believe either one! Finally, I found it: a VHS copy of the first movie that is literally titled Pokemon: The First Movie. I mean, how cocky do you have to be to literally call your first movie "The First Movie"?! It's like they knew they were gonna have a bajillion sequels, so they decided to call it "The First Movie" just to make it easy for us! That's like naming the first Lord of the Rings film "Lord of the Rings: Don't Worry, We're Gonna Have a Shitload of Sequels". [Pikachu blinks in confusion.]

The Wizard

• Nostalgia Critic: Meanwhile, Jimmy and Corey stop off at a bus station, where they discover that Jimmy has a talent for getting high points on Double Dragon.

Corey: You got 50,000 on Double Dragon?

Nostalgia Critic: There, they come across Haley, a girl who also happens to be running away.

Haley: What's his (Jimmy's) problem?

Corey: He's just shy.

Haley: Shy a few bricks, I'd say.

Corey: Just kicked ass on Double Dragon.

Haley: Get outta here. Him?

Corey: Yeah, he could wax your tail.

Haley: No way.

Corey: Wanna bet?

Haley: How much?

Corey: Got a bus ticket? Could cash it in.

Nostalgia Critic: What kids talk like this?! I mean, seriously! They all talk like 1980's businessmen! I mean, who raised them, Donald Trump?

Trump: You're fired.

---

Nostalgia Critic: While that's going on, Mr. Putman finally locates the kids, outside the swimming pool at a local- WAIT A MINUTE! (Zooms in on an old man wearing a speedo) What the hell?! Who greenlighted the old man in a speedo?

Mr. Putnam: I've been followin' you across two states-

Nostalgia Critic: No no no no no no, I'm sorry, I can't focus with an old man's BUTT cheeks hanging out in the background! I mean what were they thinking? Did somebody actually look at this scene and say, "You know what's missing here? An old man's package. That would really add some much needed drama."

Nick: That's disgusting.

Nostalgia Critic: And if you think this movie can't possibly get anymore uncomfortable, just listen to this.

Haley: (Screams and points at Mr. Putnam) He touched my breast!

[Shows NC with a shocked look]

Mr. Putnam: I touched her breast...she doesn't have any breasts.

[Shows NC with an even more shocked look]

Mr. Putnam: [Being carried out by police] Put me down!

Nostalgia Critic: Nintendo. It makes you wanna touch children.

[Fake Nintendo ad]

Announcer: Now you're playing with pedophilia... and that's just wrong.

Batman & Robin

• Nostalgia Critic: Meanwhile, the Batman who used to hide from the limelight and steal any hidden photographs taken of him is now making public appearances at a sexist auction where men bid on good-looking women to take out on a date. While there, they come across the seductive Poison Ivy, who blows a hypnotizing perfume that makes men bow to her every will. And as you sadly might have guessed, Batman and Robin actually start bidding on her.

Batman: One million dollars.

Robin: Two million.

Batman: Three million.

Robin: Four million.

Batman: Seven million. [Flashes his Bat Credit Card, while a cash register sound effect plays] Never leave the cave without it.

Nostalgia Critic: A Bat Credit Card? [beat] They gave him a Bat Credit Card? [beat] They had the BALLS to give one of the greatest superheroes of all time A BAT CREDIT CARD??!?!! NOOOOOOO!! NOOOOOOOO!!! DOES NOT COMPUTE!!! DOES NOT COMPUTE!!! [babbles mindlessly] IT'S INSANE!!! [The Critic begins to shout angry gibberish as he is restrained by an unidentified man wearing a blood-stained lab coat. The next screen says "20 Minutes Later..." before cutting back to a much calmer Critic] I apologize for that outrage. It was childish and immature. I just get a little peeved when I see one of my childhood icons carrying [inhales] A BAT CREDIT CARD???!! YOU BASTARDS!!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!!! ALL OF YOU WILL DIE!!!! YOU'LL GET THE GAS!!!!! [The Critic is restrained by the doctor again, a new screen says "One Hour Later..." and we see him afterwords with a noticeably more disheveled appearance as he clears his throat, inhales and continues...] RAPE MY CHILDHOOD WILL YOU?!?!?! YOU'LL ALL DIE!!! YOU WILL ALL DIIIIE!!! [One more time he is restrained, the next screen says "Seven Hours Later..." and he finally resumes the review with a sharp intake of breath] OK... I'm fine, I'm cool, I'm fine, I'm fine. So after Batman uses the... you know what...

Nostalgia Critic: It's supercrapafuckerificexpialibullshit.

Top 11 Catchiest Theme Songs

• Singers: [singing] DuckTales, whoo-oo!

Nostalgia Critic: God damn this song. From the minute you hear it, it is never gonna leave your head. This song tormented so many children, I can't even explain it. You think you're trying to answer the questions on your math test, but nope, all you're thinking about is...

Singers: [singing] DuckTales, whoo-oo!

Nostalgia Critic: You think you're playing basketball with your teammates, but nope, all you're thinking about is...

Singers: [singing] DuckTales, whoo-oo!

Nostalgia Critic: You think you're about to achieve enlightenment, the pearly gates of knowledge are opening up, and all of the secrets of the universe are about to be revealed. [beat] BUT NO!!! ALL YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT IS...

Singers: [singing] DuckTales, whoo-oo!

Nostalgia Critic: It will never leave, it will never leave! It's like an addiction! You think you're over it. You think, I only know a few lyrics of the song. Uh, what is, um, [speaking the lyrics; gradually getting more fast-paced] "Life is like a hurricane here in Duckburg, race cars, lasers, airplanes, it's a duck blur, might solve a mystery, or rewrite history, DuckTales, whoo-hoo, ev'ry day they're out there making DuckTales, whoo-hoo, tales of derring-do, bad and good luck tales, whoo-hoo, d-d-d-danger lurks behind you, there's a stranger out to find you, what to do, just grab onto some DuckTales! Whoo-hoo!" I mean, once you hear it once, it will never ever go away. And you wanna know what the creepy thing is? I think this show stayed on the air strictly because of the theme song! I mean, think about it: What do you actually remember about this show? I remember Scrooge, his nephews, a pilot who crashed a lot... and that's it! I don't remember a goddamn other thing about this show! This show literally kept bringing us back simply because of the song. It is that powerful. So now that you've heard the catchiest nostalgia song of all time, tell the people. Warn them. Don't let them hear the song, because once it gets into your head, it buries its way into your brain, festering, festering, until it balloons into a gigantic ball of human waste that will eat you alive! Warn the people! Warn the people... [breaks down and cries; after a beat, he's suddenly normal again] I'm The Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.

90's Sports Montage

• Referee: He's right! Ain't no rule that says that dogs can't play basketball!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, of course! It doesn't say in the rule book that I can't bring a dog in to play basketball. What was I thinking? And you want to know what else? I'm pretty sure it doesn't say anywhere that I can't bring rollerskating black bears in, either. Or how about professionally-trained, tap dancing orangutans? Or how about a giant, urinating elephant with one testicle who can sing the entire classical works of Andrew Lloyd Webber? Is that in the rule book? Is it? IS IT? It is? Holy shit, how amazingly specific.

Top 11 Drug PSAs

• Nostalgia Critic: Pee-Wee Herman talking to me about crack is absolutely HILARIOUS. If it were Paul Reubens, the actor who plays Pee-Wee, talking to me about crack, maybe that might have some merit. But, when Pee-Wee Herman, not Paul Reubens, says "This... is crack", I die a little inside. I die of laughter. And I know I look all calm and put together, but when I first watched this, I had to go through HOURS and HOURS of laughter to get to this point. That's laughter probably off the end of my life that I'll never get back. It is THAT hilarious.

Captain Planet and the Planeteers

• Nostalgia Critic: You may also notice that anytime there's trouble, it's Kwame that initiates calling Captain Planet.

Kwame: [in various scenes] Let our powers combine!

Nostalgia Critic: Why does he get to call the shots? I mean that's a lot of power. Can you imagine if he didn't want to say those words?

[Cut to a scene where the Planeteers are facing a huge danger.]

Wheeler: [voiced by the Nostalgia Critic] Oh man, we're in a tight jam! [long pause] Uh, Kwame, don't you have something to say?

Kwame: [voiced by the Nostalgia Critic] I'm not going to say it. Not until you apologise for stiffing me on the bill at Olive Garden.

Wheeler: Aw c'mon man, I was short on cash!

Kwame: And I look like Don fucking King to you?!

Wheeler: [sighs] Alright, I'm sorry.

Kwame: Then let our powers combine!

Wheeler: [under his voice] Douche.

Kwame: What?

Wheeler: Nothing!

Nostalgia Critic: [rolls his eyes] Weird.

Double Dare

• Nostalgia Critic: Now, the host of this show is probably the greatest game show host that ever walked the planet: Marc Summers. Why is he so great? Well, a couple of reasons. First of all, he has to talk about total nonsense throughout the entire show and make it sound like it's intense TV. I mean, how much can you talk about half of this stuff?

Marc Summers: Shake that banana tree!/Can they get the milk on them?/Yes, they've caught one!/Now you need some sausage!/You rolled out of your taco! You gotta get back in your taco!

Nostalgia Critic: How many game show hosts are there that can say, with all seriousness, "get back in your taco"? Second, he gets just as much into this show as the rest of the audience, screaming and yelling and even getting messy sometimes. Third and definitely not least, this guy was obsessive-compulsive! [record scratches] You heard right: OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE! That means he likes everything clean, neat, and symmetrical. Oh... my... God! That is total devotion to your work! I mean, look at all this. They went through his house and moved around a few things, and there he is, down on the floor, straightening the rug, moving the chairs, fixing the curtains— I mean, this is how bad he was.

Marc Summers: OCD is all about compulsive rituals, and mine were about cleanliness and making things symmetrical.

Nostalgia Critic: And this guy had to do Double Dare?! The sloppiest and messiest game show that ever aired on TV?! Give this man a fucking medal! I'm serious, dude, if you can't find a medal to fit the situation, make one up. In fact, I'll make one up! Marc Summers, on behalf of children everywhere, I present you the honorary "Dude, You Got Balls" Award. You deserved it, man. You deserved it.

3 Ninjas

• Nostalgia Critic: Now I know what you're thinking: I'm not giving studio moguls enough credit. I mean, nobody could be so financially desperate or creatively shallow to attempt such an act. I mean, are they really so stupid enough to combine movies like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Home Alone? [beat] THEY ARE WHEN THEY FRIGGIN' ADVERTISE IT LIKE THAT! Take a look. [holds up DVD cover] "Crosses Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with Home Alone", right on the front cover! Abandon all originality, ye who enter here! [throws DVD cover aside with a loud crash] Now, with that said, I'm sure a lot of you are thinking, "How bad can a film crossover between Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Home Alone possibly be?" [beat] Pretty bad.

Bébé's Kids (video game)

• Nostalgia Critic: Well, apparently going to the left side of the book case drops you off in one room. And going to right side of the book case drops you off in another. THAT'S... JUST... IM... POSSIBLE!! I MEAN THINK ABOUT IT!! [shows us a bookcase sample] If a bookcase opens up, it spins around in a circle so that means there could only be one room. Because if there was a wall separating the two rooms, the bookcase wouldn't open. So how can it lead to two separate rooms? It can't, Bébé's Kids! IT JUST CAN'T!
• [completes the glass level] Alright, so I finally beat the glass level, what's next? [dissolves out and dissolves back in to show a leven similar to the level before the glass level] HOLY HELL!!! IT'S THE EXACT SAME LEVEL AGAIN? [cuts to Nostalgia Critic. He pulls the game out and puts it on the shelf, aiming his gun at it. After a minute of contemplation, he fires at the roof] NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!

He-man And The Masters of the Universe

• Nostalgia Critic: I could tell you what the story is about, but why not let He-Man tell you himself?

Prince Adam: I am Adam, Prince of Eternia, and defender of the secrets of Castle Grayskull.

Nostalgia Critic: A prince, really. I, uh... never would've guessed.

Prince Adam: Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me, the day I held my sword aloft and said, "By the power of Grayskull!"

Nostalgia Critic: I... guess he was just going through that holding aloft his magic sword and saying "By the power of Grayskull" phase. But luckily they happen to contain super powers.

He-Man: And I become... He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe!

[He-Man punches the sceen, then there is a flash and we see the credit "Lou Scheimer - Executive Producer"]

Nostalgia Critic: Except for Lou Scheimer, who apparently always gets top billing.

Follow That Bird

• Nostalgia Critic: I can't do it! I can't make fun of Sesame Street! It's the first show I ever saw! I'm sorry about the gay joke, Bert and Ernie! Whatever your sexual preferences are is none of my business. I'm sorry, Grover, I'm sorry, Big Bird, I'm sorry, everybody! [cries] I love you all! You're all so beautiful and innocent to me! You are childhood!!! I can't do it! I'm finished! I'm done! Get someone else to review the movie. I can't do it! [walks off-screen to talk with someone] Hey, you! You want 20 bucks? Go review this movie!

Chester A. Bum: Hooray! [sits in the Critic's chair] Oh, I am here to review... what's the name of this movie again?

Nostalgia Critic: [off-screen] Follow That Bird!

Chester A. Bum: OH MY GOD! This is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!

Saved By the Bell

• Nostalgia Critic: All right, now, I have to warn you: This next scene, where Zack shows himself in his brand new look is... [Sighs] is one of the funniest things ever put on television. It will cause laughter beyond your control. Just remember to breathe: Inhale, and exhale. This HAS been known to kill people. People have actually died from laughter. Just want you to keep that in mind before you watch this. Take a deep breath... [Inhales and exhales] All right, let's watch the scene. [Zack comes in and the Critic bursts out laughing for a really long time] He looks like Vanilla Ice's bitch! [He continues laughing and eventually stops] I think I just orgasmed.

Tom and Jerry: The Movie

• Nostalgia Critic: In the opening credits, we see Tom and Jerry doing what they do best, which is chase each other. [Credit reading "Featuring the voices of" comes up] And... here's our first problem: voice actors. Tom and Jerry had little to no voice actors in their cartoons. But hey, maybe the slapstick will be funny. [Upon seeing the imitation of the teeth breaking gag from "Tee for Two"; Sighs] Even the slapstick is wrong! I mean this is Tom's yell. [Shows clip of Tom getting his tail caught in a giant mousetrap, he screams loudly.] And here's the movie's. [Shows Tom screaming as seen in the credits, he seems to just shout "YOW!"] God, that's nowhere near as funny. [A clip shows Tom peeling in half after being cut] And look at this, when Tom gets cut in half in the cartoon, it's humorous. [Back to the credits] When he gets cut in the movie... [Jerry slices Tom with a sword, when Tom peels apart his insides appear to be red] Oh my god! That's blood! They have to show blood in this, what are they fucking psychos? [A credit mentions Joseph Barbera ] Yeah, here's a real joke. "Creative Consultant: Joseph Barbera" That just means they went up to him everyday and asked, "Is this destroying your creation? Is this nothing like your original vision?" "Yes." "Good!"
• Nostalgia Critic: [after Tom and Jerry talk] Unbelievable, I mean just unbelievable. The one rule that you never break, and they broke it in the first 10 minutes. I mean, isn't that like one of the 10 Commandments or something? Thou shalt not lie, thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife, Tom and Jerry... don't... talk!
• Nostalgia Critic: ..my God. Tom and Jerry are...dead. [he lifts up his DVD of the original Tom and Jerry cartoons] Alas, poor Tom and Jerry, I knew them, viewing audience. [Scenes of old Tom and Jerry cartoons play over the cover to the DVD while the Nostalgia Critic speaks in a voiceover] Two fellows of infinite jest and of most excellent fancy. They had borne me on many hilarious antics a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! My gorge rims at it, whatever the hell that means. Here hung those lips that have been mangled I know not how oft. Where be your screams now? Your torn limbs? Your shattered teeth? Your set of bowling pins that were wont to set children and adults at a roa?! Not one now, to mock your antics. Your skirt has fallen. Now, get you to Hollywood's chamber, and tell them, let them stop this douchebaggery that shocks and terrorizes those with most excellent humor. And show them what made such great laughter so great. Make them laugh at that...shit fuckers.

Top 11 Saddest Nostalgic Moments

• Nostalgia Critic: Number 4: The death of Charlotte, from Charlotte's Web. Ok, so maybe all spiders don't look quite as cute and lovable as Charlotte did, but that doesn't mean we weren't all affected when she spent the last days of her life helping out a damn pig. It wouldn't be so bad, except she talks about her death like she's going out to the store.

Charlotte: I'm done for, Wilbur. In a while, I'll be dead.

Nostalgia Critic: [as Wilbur] Oh, well, I guess that's cool — WHA?! [normal voice] And as if that wasn't bad enough, she actually sings a song before she dies.

Charlotte: [singing] The autumn days grow short and cold.

Nostalgia Critic: Now that's the sign of a true hard working entertainer: working behind the scenes, never taking the credit, and leaving on a song. What a showman — or show spider.

Wilbur: Charlotte? Charlotte! [Wilbur starts crying]

Nostalgia Critic: I'll never use a can of Raid again! [starts crying]

Surf Ninjas

• Nostalgia Critic: [commenting on a soldier rising from the water] This scene right here is obviously referencing Francis Ford Coppola's "Apocalypse Now", because as we all know, they are both on the exact same emotional wavelength.

Colonel Kurtz: Horror... has a face. And you must make a friend of horror.

Johnny: What's tall, dark, wears a patch, and always seem to be on my butt?

Nostalgia Critic: It's almost as if Ford Coppola directed BOTH movies!

Top 11 Animated Shows

• Nostalgia Critic: Number 4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Looking back, I’ve noticed this is the stupidest idea in the entire world. I mean, just listen to the title. [theme song plays] What lobotomized monkey came up with that? I mean, it doesn’t even seem real. It sounds like a satire of another idea. But hey, it took the world by storm, me included. Why? Because it had action, big animals, and of course, a great sense of humor. I mean, they had Uncle Phil as The Shredder for crying out loud!

The Shredder: I want this city to grovel at my feet, NOW!

Philip Banks: I WANT ALL THESE FREELOADIN' PARASITES OUTTA HERE!!!

[The Shredder laughs evilly, then Philip laughs evilly, and a caption reads "He's scarier as Uncle Phil!"]

Nostalgia Critic: I think what made this show so popular is that is was combining two things that kids love: animals and action sequences. Throw in some outdated catchphrases like:

Michelangelo: Reaallly righteous!

Nostalgia Critic: ...and you have a show that's destined to be a hit! I think what really shocks me about this show is that it's actually worked twice! I mean, they released the show again recently, and it actually became a hit! So much so, that they actually made ANOTHER MOVIE based on it. I don't know who came up with this idea or how, [shows a guy smoking a bong] okay, maybe I do know how, but it doesn't matter! This show was a ton of fun, combining everything that kids loved at the time. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: an idea so stupid, it HAS to be good.

Kazaam

• Nostalgia Critic: The movie stars Shaquille O'Neal. [the camera moves in a manner which imitates standing up] Sit back down! Apparently, back in the 90's, people thought if you could stare into a camera and say, "Drink Pepsi", you were considered a good actor.

Kazaam: That's an insult!

Nostalgia Critic: So Touchstone made a deal with Shaquille O'Neal to star in their latest family-friendly romp. In the movie, Shaquille plays, and I am quoting here, "A Rappin' Genie With Attitude, Who is Ready for Slam-Dunk Fun". [spits on the video and throws it] What they mean to say is that it's a corporate write-off designed to make a quick buck while entertaining mindless, port-a-dummy kids who think that just because a man can make a decent free-throw means he can make a decent crapped-out movie like this one. ["Disclaimer: Shaq's free-throws actually blow chunks"]

Double Dragon

• Nostalgia Critic: Folks, why is it that movies based on video games always seem to suck monkey tits? I mean, think about it: Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, Super Mario Bros., even films like The Wizard that just talked about video games always seem to suck. For whatever reason, they're certainly not getting any better. Don't believe me? Then check out the festering pile of elephant puke that Hollywood seems to have entitled Double Dragon, a movie so bad that I can't even come up with a clever analogy to sum how bad it is. Well, I'll try: IT'S THE MOST SHIT-SMACKING, WHORE-EATING, DISGUSTING PIECE OF RETRO-ASS I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! No, THAT STILL DOESN'T SUM UP HOW BAD IT IS!

Howard the Duck

• [A naked duck lady has just been shown in a bathtub with bare breasts]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God. It can't be... That cannot be real! That can NOT be REAL! [clip replays, beat] Is there any point in reviewing the rest of the movie?! I mean, you know I'm not gonna be able to top that! I don't care if he runs into Jar Jar Binks, the Care Bears, and Fonzie from Happy Days! There is no way in hell that I am going to beat... [switches to still picture of duck breasts with "DuckTits" written in DuckTales-style font, and the DuckTales theme song playing]

Chorus: DuckTits, woo-hoo!

Nostalgia Critic: I mean, what is the point? You're making a kids film starring a cute little duckie, and you start out with DuckTits?! Are you mad?! What creepy pervert thought that up?! [picture of George Lucas flashes on the screen] I mean, this movie is rated PG, right? This is considered PG material? Are you seriously telling me that showing female breasts is wrong, but showing Daisy's knockers isn't gonna cause any psychological damage? I think the people who rated this movie had psychological damage! I mean... EWW!

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

• Nostalgia Critic: So it starts out with a Mortal rekap of the first film: Liu Kang won the championship, Raiden never shut up, Johnny Cage and Sonya got together, I guess, and they even got out with some evil emperor's daughter called Kitana or something, I don't know, she's in the movie for like a minute, and they all live happily ever after. OR DO THEY? [ninjas come falling out of the sky, surrounding the Earth Realm warriors] It turns out that evil is approaching, as it starts raining Cirque du Soleil on our heroes, who find themselves surrounded by some nasty henchmen! But our fearless fighters are confident! As Liu Kang gets on his guard, Kitana readies for battle, Sonya prepares for... [sees that Sonya Blade is now played by a different actress] Who the hell's that? That's not Sonya, that's like a totally different actress. Raiden, what the hell's going on here? [sees that Raiden has got a new actor] DAGH!! You're not Raiden! Johnny Cage, who are all these people?! [sees that Johnny Cage is also played by a new actor] AGH!!! You're not Johnny Cage!! So wait a minute — if you're not Sonya, you're not Raiden, and you're not Johnny Cage... then what does that make me?!? [clips of the Cocoa Puffs commercial play, the Critic screams and lays his head on the table] Actually, it turns out that they got all new actors for these characters, which is kind of strange because the first film indicates that there will definitely be a sequel! So don't you think that they would have had the actors sign on for that? [pretends to be one of the original cast members talking to his agent on his cell phone] Frank, you're my agent, you gotta get me out of this movie sequel! I know I did the first one, but they don't even have enough money for a new opening sequence! ...Uh-huh... uh-huh... oh... Alright, I'll just have to fake my own death. [hangs up his cell phone, then sighs; whispering] I can't go back.

Godzilla (1998 film)

• Nostalgia Critic: [After the military sets up a huge pile of fish as bait for Godzilla] So our brilliant and obviously un-lizard-prone hero looks over this amazing sight.

Niko: That's a lotta fish. [long pause]

Nostalgia Critic: ...What?

Niko: That's a lotta fish. [long pause]

Nostalgia Critic: "That's a lotta fish." [mutters it again, thinking to himself] I don't get it. "That's a lotta fish" -- so? I mean, is that meant to be funny? It left a pause at the end for the audience to laugh, I mean, but... what's the joke? I could've just as easily said "That's a hat. That's a wall. That's a lotta fish." I mean, how is that funny? You could've said a lot of things there like "I got a fishy feeling about this" or "It's like shooting fish in a barrel out here!" I mean, it wouldn't have been funny, but at least they would've been actual jokes. "That's a lotta fish" -- you could spend years trying to figure out why the hell that's supposed to be funny and not get anywhere! "That's a lotta fish" -- look, you could literally just put in gibberish, and that at least would've been a little bit funnier. He looks over this amazing sight, turns to the other guy and says "Poppity pop pop pop!" and that actually would've gotten a little bit of a laugh. Just nonsense off the top of my head is funnier than these guys trying to willingly produce written humor. THIIINK!

Top 11 Disney Villains

• Nostalgia Critic: The number 1 greatest Disney animated film villain is: the Devil from Fantasia. Now, I know what you're thinking: "He didn't do anything! He didn't hatch any diabolical plans or ruin anybody's life!" But here's the thing—IT'S THE DEVIL! HE IS EVIL INCARNATE! You look at this guy and tell me that not one of these characters [we see several villains that were on the list] is not working for, with, or was inspired by this guy. He doesn't talk, doesn't sing, and doesn't even mess around with any of the good guys. But that's how the Devil works. He doesn't strike people down like Maleficent or scheme evil plots like Frollo—he's working through them, motivating them and encouraging every ounce of evil that they do. He doesn't even need an introduction—you just see him, and you can feel the evil. How can you not be intimidated when those evil eyes pop up and the music builds? The Devil is often perceived as something you can't see. Well, if you could, this is what he would look like, and this is what he would do: playing God with the dead, bringing spirits back to life just so he can destroy them again. He turns beauty into filth, moonlight into fire, and cries for help into consumption and greed. Ultimately, though, the Devil can't compete with the heavenly light that comes in at the end, and leads to what is probably Disney's most powerful and beautiful moment ever put on screen. This portion of Fantasia was daring and controversial, even spawning one of the first Disney nipples ever to be seen. [sarcastically] OH MY GOD, WOMEN HAVE NIPPLES?! MY CHILDHOOD IS RUINED! [normal] There's no doubt about it—the Devil encompassed everything. He was everything dark, everything hateful, everything cruel, and everything lusting for power. He was the master of all darkness, and portrayed just as that, seeing absolutely no element of good in him—an all around perfect portrayal of evil. The Devil: the number one greatest Disney animated villain.

Super Mario Bros Super Show

• Nostalgia Critic: Ah yes, I almost forgot. Every Friday, the "Super Show" would replace the Mario cartoon with a Legend of Zelda cartoon. And even though it wasn't as bad as the Mario stuff, it was still pretty damn wretched. I mean, you watch the opening, it looks cool, it looks big and epic until...

Zelda: [after jumping off a bridge into a river with Link] Nice job, hero.

Link: Hey! Excuuuse me, Princess!

Nostalgia Critic: [beat] Really? "Excuuuse me, Princess!"? That's the best 80's sitcom catchphrase that you can come up with? Well, if we're gonna go this route, why not exploit the shit out of it? I mean, there's plenty of other phrases you could've used, like "Whatchu talkin' about, Zelda?" or maybe a more obscure "To the moon, Your Highness!" or how about the always classic, always endearing "Dy-no-mite, Princess Hottie Pants!" I mean, just if you want to make it more subtle...

• Nostalgia Critic: Let's talk about the setting. In the game, everything takes place in the Mushroom Kingdom. Here, good God, I can't even tell you how ridiculous these settings are. They live in idiotic worlds like "Spy Land", or "Jungle Land", or "Robo Land", or even stinking "Car Land". They have a "Car Land"! You can't just add the word "Land" to something expect it to be a fully developed three dimensional world! Like, "Hey, I got an idea! Let's all go to 'Pot Land'. And after that, maybe we can spend time in 'Table Tennis Land'. Or how about we drop by 'That British Guy Who Always Seems To Be In Everything But You Never Really Take The Time To Figure Out What His Name Is Land'!" It doesn't work!

Top 12 Greatest Christmas Specials

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia critic. I remember i-CHRISTMAS!!! [gets out of his chair and quickly begins putting up his Christmas decorations while continuously yelling "Christmas!" and eventually returns to his seat] CHRISTMAS!!! I LOVE CHRISTMAS! Season of Joy, best time of the year! If I could somehow make love to Christmas, I would, and then I would eat it, to consume all its wholesome Holiday juices. I love it that much.

Jingle All the Way

Nostalgia Critic: [Depressed] Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Well, Christmas is over, Santa has come and, well, I guess I got a little of the post-Christmas blues. I mean, 12 months waiting, weeks upon weeks of hoping for the world's greatest Christmas gifts, and what did I get? [takes each gift out] A Nintendo Wii entertainment system, two fully functional controllers, the latest edition of Super Smash Bros. Brawl...and NO Mario Kart? Suck my candy cane, Santa! That was the cream of the Yuletide crop and you knew it! Instead, what did I get in my stocking? A holly jolly dose of bullshit known as Jingle All the Way!

---

Nostalgia Critic: So it starts out with this show called TurboMan. I'd like to say it's like Power Rangers for younger kids, but it's more like Power Rangers for retarded kids. I mean, I think this is the film's first big hole: No normal-functioning kid would ever watch this intergalactic space crap. I mean, what kid would seriously watch a show with a flying hunchback saber-toothed Care Bear in it? Well, apparently, this kid would. A little boy named Jamie, played by Jake Lloyd. [thinking] Jake Lloyd... hmmm, where do I know that name? [dramatic music shows Anakin Skywalker in the poster for Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace] Hoooooh! WAAAAAAAAAAH!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! [jumps out a window and falls to the ground, as his scream fades away] My God, what a tall building!

---

[After Arnold's character flies into the sky with a jetpack]

Nostalgia Critic: So let me get this straight. A parade which can barely afford what looks like 2 balloons and only a few copyrighted characters, can afford a fully functional rocket pack that even NASA couldn't perfect yet? IS THERE A NAME FOR WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE WRITERS?!

---

[Clip of Arnold Schwarzenegger with jetpack flying as TurboMan]

Nostalgia Critic: So he's flying through the city and... [various clips of Arnold flying] uh... and... uh... I... Uh... [clips stop; cut to Nostalgia Critic] A-alright, okay. Ladies and gentlemen... the film just gave up. It clearly doesn't care about the story narrative or making any simplance of logical sense, so they just said... fuck it, and started showing amusing images that will hopefully entertain your kids. Well, you know what they say. [takes off hat and puts on pirate hat] If you can't beat them, join them. [Various clips of Arnold flying and the Nostalgia Critic making funny faces and moving at superfast speed around the room. The song, "Say, say, Oh Playmate" plays throughout as a subtitle reading "WE DON'T CARE" flashes at the bottom of the screen]

---

Nostalgia Critic: So Santa, for giving me such a good gift this year, I have just one thing to say to you: You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why. [He pulls out and cocks his gun] THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC IS COMIN' TO YOUR HOME, BITCH! I'M RIP ROARIN' PISSED, I REMEMBER IT SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO! [walks off-camera]

[Cut to the credits, with bells ringing]

Santa Claus: Ho-ho-ho! [knock on door] Ho-ho... HO! [gunshot]

Nostalgia Critic: AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

NickToons

• Nostalgia Critic: [Trying to describe "Ren and Stimpy"] It's honestly like talking to a kid on the ultimate of sugar highs.

Adult's Voice: Hey, kid! What do you want to see on TV?

Nostalgia Critic: [As a kid] I don't know!

Adult's Voice: Have some candy! [Throws over a bag, and the kid eats it all]

Nostalgia Critic: [Suddenly hyper] I wanna see a cat and dog move around like jelly! Then I want to see them slap their BUTTS together, because BUTTS are funny! Then I want them to tell my grandmother to suck eggs!

Stinky Wizzleteats: I'll teach your grandmother to suck eggs!

Nostalgia Critic: And THEN I want to see them take a hammer and smash themselves on the head with it! [Laughs uncontrollably, and then lapses into a sugar coma]

NickComs

• Nostalgia Critic: [regarding You Can't Do That on Television] The show aired on Nickelodeon, but got its start in America's humble neighbours to the north, Canada. Which means you always hear my favorite mispronunciation: [kids repeat the word "about" over and over in a Canadian dialect, sounding like "aboot"] IT'S "ABOUT", YOU SOCIALLY POLITE FREAKS, IT'S "ABOUT"! A-B-O-U-T, NOT A-B-O-O-T! STOP SAYING "ABOOT!" [gets a boot] THIS IS A BOOT! [calmer voice, pointing to the word "about"] This is about. [back and forth] A boot, about, A boot, about, A boot, about - GET IT RIGHT!

Snick

• Nostalgia Critic: Hey kids! It's Saturday night!

Kids: Hooraaay!

Nostalgia Critic: School is out!

Kids: Hooraaay!

Nostalgia Critic: The night is young!

Kids: Hooraaay!

Nostalgia Critic: All your friends are free!

Kids: Hooraaay!

Nostalgia Critic: And you can't drive.

Kids: Fuck!

Nostalgia Critic: But thank God Nickelodeon's got you covered, for every Saturday night Nickelodeon was kind enough to give us "Snick".

• Nostalgia Critic: However, the most annoying part is just the kids who were telling the stories who call themselves the Midnight Society. I think these kids take this stuff WAY too seriously.

Gary: We're called... the Midnight Society.

Nostalgia Critic: [as Gary] We're right next to the Dungeons and Dragons role-playing game.

Gary: Separately, we're very different. We like different things, we go to different schools, and we have different friends.

Nostalgia Critic: [as Gary] Some of us like the same gender... but not me!

Gary: But one thing draws us together...

Nostalgia Critic: [as Gary] Smokin' weed around the fireplace.

Gary: ...the dark!

Nostalgia Critic: [as Gary] And smokin' weed around the fireplace.

• Nostalgia Critic: [regarding "All That"] Plus, you have to give them credit for the best Ross Perot impression ever done in the history of comedy, performed by a little girl with rubber ears.

Ross Perot: Will you let me finish? Am I a eucalyptus tree, or can I finish?!

Nostalgia Critic: Right on the crooked, prosthetic nose!

Ross Perot: I've got [puts two dollar bags on the table] four billion dollars, so listen up.

Nostalgia Critic: Wow, right down to the fact that he thinks he actually has money. How delightfully perceptive.

Good Burger

• Manager: Nobody is putting Good Burger out of business! [the whole staff cheers in agreement]

Otis: [a fry cook played by Abe Vigoda] Nobody! [the Critic stops the movie and rewinds slowly to replay that one shot] Nobody!

Nostalgia Critic: Abe Vigoda, what are you doing? Is there just really no movie you'll say no to? I mean, did you read the script? You know it couldn't have been a good movie! My guess is that he was in some sort of contract or something, and it probably went something like this.

[footage from The Godfather is used]

Agent: Abe, the president of Nickelodeon said you have to do the Good Burger movie.

Abe: Hell, he can't do that. It screws up all my arrangements.

Agent: Sorry, Abe. You're under contract.

Abe: Tom, could you get me off the hook? For old time's sake?

Tom Hagen: Can't do it, Abe.

[Abe reluctantly goes along with it]

Agent: Come on, you get to wear the little hat and everything.

FernGully: The Last Rainforest

• Nostalgia Critic: So Batty says he spotted humans at Mount Warning, which is... wait a minute. Mount Warning? Isn't that in Australia?

Nostalgia Chick: Yep.

Nostalgia Critic: Is their rainforest in any kind of danger? [Nostalgia Chick wishy-washily implying no] THEN WHY IS IT CALLED THE LAST RAINFOREST?!

Nostalgia Chick: Well, Mr. Critic. One must ask oneself, "Where is a viable rainforest environment that happens to have a ready supply of white people?"

Nostalgia Critic: Central America?

Nostalgia Chick: No.

Nostalgia Critic: Africa?

Nostalgia Chick: Yeah, right.

Nostalgia Critic: New Guinea?

Nostalgia Chick: Getting warmer.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, Australia!

Nostalgia Chick: Now you've got it. Technically, they could have just made up a location, but I guess the movie wanted some credibility. Now, you could say that it's not a great idea to try to impose logic on an environmentalist film about fairies, but hey, it's for kids and kids are stupid enough to buy anything.

Nostalgia Critic: Now I know.

Nostalgia Chick: And knowing is half the battle. [G.I. Joe theme plays with the two giving a salute]

• [In response to finding out that the secret to growing the rainforest is "magic."]

Nostalgia Critic: Wait, what about photosynthe--?

Nostalgia Chick: [interrupting the Critic] Magic.

Nostalgia Critic: What about the science behind--?

Nostalgia Chick: [interrupting the Critic again] Magic.

Nostalgia Critic: What about the years of research to--?

Nostalgia Chick: MAGIC, DAMN YOU! [punches the Critic out] Don't you EVER try to bring logic into this movie again! This is Ferngully, BITCH!

• [In response to an oddly placed song sung by a lizard voiced by Tone Loc]

Nostalgia Critic: I mean, I... WHAT IS THIS CHARACTER?! He just comes outta nowhere singing this kinda sexual song about how he's gonna eat Zak. I mean, what's the point?

Nostalgia Chick: Ooohhh! [Beat] It's a Big Lipped Alligator Moment. [The logo makes its first appearance, startling the Critic]

Nostalgia Critic: [Beat] What's a Big Lipped Alligator Moment? [It appears again and has the same effect on him] That's not an alligator! It's a... that's not an alligator!

Nostalgia Chick: [Smiling and patting the critic on his head] You stupid sack of shit. Perhaps you don't remember the big lipped alligator scene from "All Dogs Go to Heaven". This is named after the random musical number sung by a big lipped alligator towards the end of the film; a scene that comes right the fuck outta nowhere, has little to no bearing whatsoever on the plot, is way over the top in terms of ridiculousness (even within the context of the movie), and after it happens, no one ever speaks of it again.

Nostalgia Critic: Ooohhh! Like the dancing Fire Gang from "Labyrinth", the pink elephants from "Dumbo", the creepy-ass tunnel scene from "Willy Wonka"...

Nostalgia Chick: That's right.

Nostalgia Critic: ...and now this festering pile of pointlessness!

Nostalgia Chick: [As if talking to a child] Yes, Critic! [Pincing Critic's cheek] You're learning a lot today!

Nostalgia Critic: I am! [Turns to the camera] I really am! [Cue the ending from the famous "The More You Know" PSAs]

• [Clip shown of Ferngully where Chrystal and Zack hold hands and their hands glow. The Nostalgia Critic and the Nostalgia Chick do the same thing.]

Nostalgia Chick: [After a minute] Now you're pregnant.

Nostalgia Critic: [Panicking] Ah! Ah! Ah! [Tries to pull hands away]

• [In response to 'Toxic Love' being interrupted by Nostalgia Chick playing an accordian]

Nostalgia Chick: ...Did that make any sense?

Nostalgia Critic: No.

Nostalgia Chick: Are you ever going to mention it again?

Nostalgia Critic: Probably not.

Nostalgia Chick: [raises her hand up] Big Lipped Alligator Moment! [The logo appears, and the Critic is startled but the chick plays her accordion]

A Kid in King Arthur's Court

• Nostalgia Critic: However, it turns out that Katie is in love, but judging by this scene, we're not quite sure to who... [cut to Princess Katie's bed, where her sister Princess Sarah is brushing Katie's hair amid soft candlelight]

Princess Sarah: You are in love, little one.

Princess Katie: Don't be silly! [short pause] I can't hide anything from you, can I?

Princess Sarah: I know it all too well myself.

Nostalgia Critic: [confused] Are you talking about Calvin, or...

Princess Katie: Does it always hurt this much?

Princess Sarah: [running her fingers through Princess Katie's hair] Sometimes, it hurts much worse.

Nostalgia Critic: Am I the only one finding this kinda hot?

Princess Katie: What's to become of our family, Sarah?

[the Nostalgia Critic's heart beats loud and fast as he stares with anticipation]

Princess Sarah: I know not... [touches Katie's chin] but I will always look after thee. [the Nostalgia Critic leans in, smiling and panting as his heart still continues to beat as Sarah and Katie hug each other, only for the scene to fade]

Nostalgia Critic: WAIT, NO! GO BACK! GO BACK! I WANNA SEE 'EM GET IT ON! [next scene opens with Calvin and King Arthur] Oh, son of a BITCH! We're right in the middle of hot medieval lesbianism—one of the few things I want to see before I die—and then all of a sudden it cuts to those two putzes? I mean, come on! What kind of sexual eroticism can we possibly get out of those two?!

Calvin: [regarding gum-chewing] Never swallow.

King Arthur: Never swallow.

Nostalgia Critic: ...GO... BACK... TO THE LESBIANS!

Good Son

• Nostalgia Critic: [Deadpan and silent, communicating via giant note cards] You might be wondering why I'm not talking in this episode. Well, it turns out I threw out my voice from yelling so much at today's movie. It's that bad. So I have to do the whole review like this. It blows "monkies". I feel like I'm on The Newlywed Game. "In the ass"? [Mouths sarcastic laughter] So which movie caused me to lose my angelic voice. I'll tell you... [Ominous music plays] "The Good Son".
• [As Mark is sliding down a pole out of a tree house the two are sitting in]

Henry: Hey Mark! [Mark looks up] ...Don't fuck with me. [Cut to the Critic, jaw agape, then to Henry and back to the Critic]

Nostalgia Critic: [Note card] The 'Home Alone' kid just said "Don't fuck with me."

Henry: Don't fuck with me.

Nostalgia Critic: [Note card] I can actually feel my childhood dying. [Note card] It's going...going... [Ripping sound, then a note card] Dead. [A cartoon heart with wings, a halo and the word "Childhood" on it floats up, tinkly music plays and the Critic bitterly waves goodbye]

Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog

• Nostalgia Critic: [Skipping his usual opening line] I consider myself a man of decent logic. A man who has a fairly firm grasp on the perceptions of reality. A man who's down to earth and lives in the realms of the real world. [Beat] UNTIL TODAY! When that reality was challenged by a blue-tinted hedgehog and his flying fox with two tails! This is the gateway to madness that the world of children's programming has chosen to call "The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog". [The show's title screen is shown] Imagine coming across a mentally disabled person who's not only criminally insane but was also drunk, high and had a whole frontal lobotomy leaving little to no intelligence left in his brain. He would be normal compared to "The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog"! So, what's wrong with this show? [Beat] What's right with this show?! That's the shorter answer! It's actually hard to come up with words to describe how bat-shit crazy this show is -- it is that crazy. So rather than talk about it, let's go ahead and try and watch it... [Beat] ...the key word being "try".
• Nostalgia Critic: As you probably gather, this show has absolutely no basis in logic or reason. But there are just really some things that go beyond the boundaries of comprehension. Like watch this scene, as they try to set up yet another trap. [Grounder is shown blowing into one of his hands to inflate the other, which inexplicably becomes a pumpkin]

Nostalgia Critic: [Royally confused] WHAT?! PUMPKIN?! P-PUMPKIN?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! [beat] PUMPKIN?! WHAT?! I don't care what drug-induced land you're in -- YOU CANNOT BLOW IN YOUR HAND AND COME UP WITH A PUMPKIN! HOW DO YOU EVEN COME TO THAT CONCLUSION? I mean, what is next? He's gonna blow in his hand and a beautiful woman's gonna come out? [Scratch and Grounder team up to do just that while hiding behind a rock waiting for Sonic]

Nostalgia Critic: [Beat, then in slow motion] WHAAAAAA?! [Now back to normal speed] HOW CAN YOU BLOW INTO YOUR HAND AND MAKE A WOMAN?! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN BE CHASING HEDGEHOGS IF YOU COULD BLOW INTO YOUR HAND AND MAKE A WOMAN?! IT DOES NOT ADD UP! My God! How do you even advertise a show like this?! I mean, what do the commercials look like?! [Switching to an announcer-type voice as clips from the show begin playing] Hey kids! Ren and Stimpy making too much sense for ya? Then put on "The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog"! You'll love this cosmic, out-of-body raping of your senses! It's like a Japanese show in English, only you still have no idea what's going on! You must be at least this high to watch. [Shows a picture of Chester A. Bum]

Top 11 Nostalgic Mindfucks

• Nostalgia Critic: [regarding Toon Town in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"] Plus, it's probably the only time you'll see Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse together. That alone is pretty surreal.

Bugs Bunny: Nyeh, so how's Pixar saving your ass this time, Mickey?

Mickey Mouse: Suck my enchanted ballsack, you hunk of shit!

Twister

• [The Twister is about to hit a barn as it makes a vague growl]

Nostalgia Critic: Is it me or did that twister just roar? [Scene replays, growl is more pronounced] What, were there dinosaurs in that barnhouse or something? [Fake dinosaur flies past in the twister, with the Tyrannosaur roar from Jurassic Park playing as sound effects.]

• Melissa: Is there an F5?? [Silence falls on the group]

[The Nostalgia Critic widens his eyes sarcastically and slams his hands on the table, staring dramatically at the camera]

Nostalgia Critic: We don't mention F5's in this household, little lady.

Melissa: What would that be?

Bill: The Finger of God.

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, the middle finger, maybe.

• Nostalgia Critic: [Bill and Jo have just survived the tornado and are arguing] SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP! [Points at Bill] You're an idiot! [Points to Jo] You're a bitch! [Points to Dusty] You're annoying! [Points to the Twister poster] AND YOU'RE A GOD-AWFUL MOVIE!!! Why was this movie such a big hit? Because of the effects. Nothing else. Because when you really look at this assfest of a movie, you see nothing but what assfests always produce: crap, crap, crap! It's so horrifically bad that it even scared the Burger King away, and he's usually the one scaring other people away! [Sobbing is heard off-screen] Oh-oh come on, BK, come out from under the bed. [To the camera] He's crying now. [To the Burger King] No, no, Philip Seymour Hoffman isn't here anymore. No, he's gone. H-hold up—I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. [Getting up] Oh, no, calm down, calm down. Come on. I'll get you some McDonald's. [The Burger King punches the Critic off-screen] Oh, sorry.

Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie

• Nostalgia Critic: [Palms cover his face, then let go] I got nothing. I have absolutely nothing. I mean... what the hell am I supposed to say? "Garbage Pail Kids". [Beat] Does the title even sound like it's going to attempt to be a good movie? [Long pause] I feel raped! I feel honest to God raped by this movie, it is that bad! There is no talent, no effort, nothing salvageable! Nothing salvageable about this movie at all! [Beat] Show 'em the credits! Let's get started! [The movie's title screen is shown] It's, uh... it's, uh... it's... it's gonna hurt, I'm not gonna lie, it's really going to hurt. So why waste any more time just talking about it? [Beat] Oh, I can think of a few reasons, but let's take a gander anyway. [Beat] Be very afraid.
• Nostalgia Critic: Yes, apparently there's a State Home for the Ugly where men literally walk around with nets and capture ugly people the same way dog catchers capture puppies for the pound.

Catcher #1: You shouldn't wear a mask unless it's Halloween, kid!

Catcher #2: No hard feelings, eh kid?

Nostalgia Critic: WHAT WORLD... REALITY... DRUGS... WHERE WOULD YOU EVEN GET FUNDING FOR THAT?! I mean, you're telling me there's an actual State Home for the Ugly, and yet Joan Rivers, Michael Moore and Carrot Top are allowed to roam free?! What kinda sick, crazy world is this?!

Rock-a-Doodle

• Nostalgia Critic: [After the Grand Duke of Owls appears in Edmund's room] Oh no, tell me that owl isn't voiced by Christopher Plummer...

Grand Duke of Owls: The Duke is going to eat you!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh God, what some people will do for a paycheck! He couldn't have thought this was a good movie, nobody could've! He must've been under contract or something, that's the only excuse! [As a scene from "The Sound of Music" is queued up] In fact, I can just imagine him trying to sneak away from this movie...

Driver of car being pushed: I hear they're going to announce the casting for the villain today.

Capt. Von Trapp: By the time they've made the announcement, we'll be over the border.

[The Von Trapp family is spotted by a couple of trailing cars with their headlights on]

Herr Zeller/Studio Executive: Trouble with your car, Mr. Plummer?

Capt. Von Trapp: Yes, as a matter of fact we couldn't get it started.

Zeller/Executive: Surely you've heard that the studio wants you to provide the voice for the owl in their latest family romp "Rock-a-Doodle"?

Capt. Von Trapp: I'm afraid that's... going to be quite... impossible.

Zeller/Executive: Now Mr. Plummer, surely you don't think you can defend yourself against the awesome power of studio-funded lawyers? No man has ever survived their verbal slaughter. So, I take it you'll change your mind about the role?

Capt. Von Trapp: ...Yes.

Zeller/Executive: Excellent. My men will escort you to the recording studio.

Capt. Von Trapp: No escort will be necessary.

Zeller/Executive: I insist. We wouldn't want you to get lost on your way over... would we?

Capt. Von Trapp: ...No.

Zeller/Executive: [Walking back to his car] Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get Abe Vigoda for Good Burger.

Titanic: The Legend Goes On

• Nostalgia Critic: [As James Cameron's "Titanic" music is playing] This is the tale about a ship of dreams. About a young boy and a young girl who fall in love but are torn apart by their social class. And only, at the height of their emotional commitment, does the ship meet with disa- [Music stops] No, wait. That's James Cameron's highest grossing movie of all time, Titanic. My mistake. [Clears throat, music starts again] This is the tale about a ship of dreams. About a young boy and a young girl who fall in love but are torn apart by their social class. And only, at the height of their emotional commitment, does the ship meet with disaster. This is the story of Titanic... the animated musical. [Music switches to "Hold Me"] Now before you say anything, let me answer your very first question: yes, this is real. Some Italian fart over in Italy decided that he wanted to tell his version of how he saw the Titanic, which of course is completely different from that other little independent film that came out a few years earlier. This charming little version has talking geese, Mexican mice, and -- I'm really not kidding here -- a rapping dog. I swear to God that is true. A rapping dog. This film is actually so bad that people debate whether or not it actually exists! Copies of it are very hard to find and most people who see snippets of it swear it's just something done by a fifth grader on Adobe Flash! But, here's the DVD to prove it! [Holds up the film's DVD case] "Titanic"! As it says on the back how they embark on the real adventures of the Titanic. Oh yeah, because all the other stories you've heard weren't the least bit exciting or credible, were they? No no no no no, this is the exciting version with what really historically happened on the Titanic. [Beat] With Mexican mice and a rapping dog. HELLO??? Be afraid, my fellow viewers, be very very afraid. Let's dive in. [Beat] No pun intended.
• Child Narrator: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Where are you going? [The Critic's head shoots up] The movie isn't over yet! Don't you want to know what happened to everybody?

Nostalgia Critic: I kind of assumed they've drowned...

Child Narrator: Hortense and Bernice married Kirk and Dirk, who are gloatingly thinking they've got it made... [Cut to the Critic's perplexed face] ...and here we have the ecstatic newlyweds, Angelica and William [The Critic scratches his head] together with Mother Nanny Jennie, Victoria and the grandchildren, and the dalmatians and their children. Well, here's hoping they'll all live happily ever after. See you soon!

Nostalgia Critic: HAPPILY EVER AFTER?! WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?! THIS ISN'T A POSTCARD! IT'S THE SINKING OF THE FUCKING TITANIC! If you wanted to be really faithful, you would've said [Now parodying the child's narration] "Kirk and Dirk got married to the evil stepsisters, William and Angelica married as well as adopted the two dalmatians, and over 1,500 people died in one of the world's largest and most tragic disasters. See you soon!" [Resuming his review] Where did this movie come from? What idiotic brain mash could so effectively miss the tragic center of the Titanic disaster? My guess is somebody just saw the James Cameron blockbuster and didn't realize it was based on a real tragic event. They probably just thought it was a fairy tale. So they put their half-ass version together thinking to themselves "You know what this collection of human misery needs? A rapping dog!" There's a reason so many people don't believe this movie exists: because quite frankly we don't want to believe it exists! It's so horrible that we as human beings don't want to believe that we created it. And with the help of [Brings back his over-sized bottle of Jägermeister] Mr. Alcohol here, I might just be able to make that dream come true.

Pagemaster, The

• Nostalgia Critic: We all liked Michael Jackson at some point, didn't we? But that doesn't mean he can just throw any crap on the screen and expect us to buy it! That's why I have some serious hangups with "Moonwalker". [Shows clips of Pagemaster instead] One of the strangest and most bizaare—um, this isn't "Moonwalker". So, what the hell were up with those clips? [Looks offscreen] Huh? "Pagemaster"? I never watched any "Pagemaster". I did? Well, what was it about? Oh! Oh, yeah, the, the Home Alone kid, the reading adventure, yeah, OK. Um..."Pagemaster"! Yeah, what a... what a memorable movie that was! Hehehe. [Beat] OK, by that total lack of memory, you could probably tell that this film didn't exactly leave much of an impact. And why should it? IT'S BORING! Nothing's developed, nothing's structured, nothing's... anything. It's pretty much just a film fart: it happens, it's unpleasant, but you forget about it just a few moments later.
• Nostalgia Critic: [impersonating Zuul from the 1984 film Ghostbusters] ZUUL, MUTHAFUCKA, ZUUL! [first appearance of recurring joke]

NeverEnding Story, The

• Chester A. Bum: [appearing as an April Fool's Joke] Hello, I'm Chester A. Bum. I remember it, though I don't know why. And I am here to talk to you about THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! ....And I don't say that very often!

Moonwalker

• Nostalgia Critic: So we see the world's first universal answer to every joke ever written: Michael Jackson. We catch him at that stage where he wasn't really a good-looking black man anymore, but at least he was a half-way decent looking white woman. We see him performing at a concert, singing about how we can all change the world and apparently, all of the world leaders buy Jackson's plea for world peace. [as Mohandas Gandhi] I am in total support of Michael Jackson! [as John F. Kennedy] Ich bin ein Michael Jackson. [as Ronald Reagan] You know, Michael Jackson made this all possible. [as Martin Luther King] I have a dream: to support Michael Jackson's dream.

Top 11 Dumbest Superman Moments

• Nostalgia Critic: Number 4: The opening of "Superman III." Talk about a movie that was already doomed from the start. First of all, look at these credits. All the Superman films began with the credits flying in space with that kickass John Williams music. But this one, it looks like they were added in at the last minute. It's like that stupid Star Wars text option that comes with most movie editing softwares. And after that, it's pretty much just a half-assed Laurel and Hardy routine as a guy trips looking at a woman, a lady on rollerblades crashes into a hot dog cart, the hot dog cart knocks over some phone booths, a toy penguin is set on fire, which scares a little doggie, that knocks a woman over carrying groceries— ["Mouse Trap" commercial plays]

Cat: You knock the man into the pan, you knock the ball in the rub-a-dub tub... Mouse Trap! I guarantee it's the craziest trap you'll ever see!

Nostalgia Critic: Um, you get the idea. It's about as obnoxiously overblown as a comedy routine can get, looking absolutely nothing like a Superman movie. In fact, the title just passes by! You wouldn't even notice it! But how can you, when a man confuses his walking dog for a road painter—yeah 'cause all blind people are freakin' idiots, right? A car speeds out of control, hits a fire hydrant, starts filling up with water — you figure that one out — as Superman comes in to rescue the guy from drowning in his own vehicle on dry land. This is like the "dominoes" of human misery! Seriously! The only thing that's missing to top off this cliché comedic slosh is a fucking mime- [a mime appears] OH, YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!!! This honestly does not seem real! I don't think there's enough "wah-wah" music to get us through this opening! ["wah-wah" music plays continuously as the mime slips on marbles, a blind man walks through a giant sheet of paper, Clark Kent knocks a guy carrying pies over, catches one of the pies, but is so distracted by a beautiful woman that he turns around quickly and smashes the pie into another pedestrian's face. All of these events cause an explosion, stopping the "wah-wah" music] Oh great, you BLEW UP the wah-wah machine! One gigantic comedic moment after another. The only thing missing; the humour.

• Nostalgia Critic: Number 3: The mind-scrambling kiss from "Superman II." This happens after Lois finds out Superman's secret identity. They go all the way through the movie -- and I mean all the way -- until they get to the very end, as Superman feels Lois' life would be a lot easier if she never knew who he really was. So he gives her a kiss that somehow deletes all memory about him being Superman.

Lois Lane: What's happening in the world?

Nostalgia Critic: How the fuck does that work?! Is there a mind-altering breath mint he slips her or does his tongue just work its way in to her brain and take out the parts he doesn't like? For that matter, why doesn't he use this power more often? I mean... it'd be weird, but you could technically use that kiss to give all the super-villains amnesia. [The following is illustrated with some still cartoon pictures] He'd fly up to Lex Luthor and he'd be like "Superman! Allow me to explain my evil plot—" [The cartoon Superman kisses Luthor, which is followed by an awkward pause between the two] "...Who the hell am I?" I mean, OK, it'd be gross, but imagine how many lives you could save!

TMNT

• Narrator: Four turtles, genetically reborn in the sewers of New York.

Nostalgia Critic: Wow... brief. I mean, geesh, they expect us to buy this whole mutated turtle thing pretty quickly, don't they? Most people would consider that a little out of the norm. I mean, is the title the only real backstory we're gonna get about 'em? How the hell do you think they'd describe the Star Wars trilogy? [in narrator's voice, with Star Wars clips] A guy with a sword. His father. They... don't get along.

• Splinter: This home has become like an empty shell. Each of your brothers...

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, God. What did they do to Splinter's voice? It sound like Mr. Miyagi if he smoked a million Marlboros.

[Proceeds to mumble in a very raspy manner as Splinter continues talking]

Red Sonja

• Nostalgia Critic: Before I start this review, let me tell you a little story about a guy named Mako. And why you don't wanna mess with him. Mako apparently was a very popular sort of underground voice celebrity. He did voices for "Avatar: the Last Airbender", which I never heard of, "Samurai Jack", which I never saw, and played Akiro the Wizard in "Conan", which I barely remember. So, as you can tell, I barely know who this guy is. But apparently a lot of you do, and were not very happy when I made fun of his voice in the "TMNT" movie. I remember it like it was yesterday. [Starts to fade to a flashback, but we're still focusing on the Critic] Okay, maybe I don't remember it like it was yesterday. But I have a clip.

[Cut to the clip from the TMNT review]

Splinter: This home has become like an empty shell. Each of your brothers...

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, God. What did they do to Splinter's voice? It sounds like Mr. Miyagi if he smoked a million Marlboros.

[Cut back to the present]

Nostalgia Critic: Hehehehehe, Marlboros. Well, apparently, a lot of you took this the wrong way thinking I was making fun of the actor himself, sending me e-mails like: "You don't mess with Mako, Mother fucker.", "Leave Mako alone, he is the Man!", and "You should crucify your privates for making fun of Mako!" Well, there goes a one-year anniversary surprise. The fact is I don't hate Mako. I don't know Mako. I know nothing about Mako. I just thought the voice was a little different compared to the other Splinters that I've heard before. I mean, geez, you act like the guy died or some— [Cut to a captioned picture of Mako saying "Mako: 1933-2006"] GODDAMNIT!! Okay, okay, so, just to recap, I don't hate Mako, I don't know Mako, so logically, I can't hate someone I don't know. Especially when he's dead. That makes it very difficult. So, no disrespect, I apologize, let's move on. [Beat] Boy, how am I gonna segué out of that? Oh, I've got it! Mako was in Conan, Conan starred Arnold Schwarzenegger, Arnold Schwarzenegger was in a horrible Conan rip-off, which was known as "Red Sonja"!

Short Circuit 1 & 2

Nostalgia Critic: So Fred actually does a fairly decent job getting No. 5 back together. Even though his lifespan seems to be dwindling, Johnny 5 decides it's time to strike back. [in movie trailer voice, while the Terminator 2 theme plays over clips of Johnny 5] They took away his toys. They used him as a pawn. They beat him and they left him for dead. Now, rebuilt, recharged, and incredibly pissed off, Johnny No. 5 is ready to kick some FLABBY. WHITE. ASS. Johnny No. 5 in, "I Robot, You Dead". No more Mr. Nice Bot, it's all or nothing.

Fred: What do you think you're gonna do?

Johnny 5: Pursue, capture, incarcerate.

Nostalgia Critic: [in movie trailer voice] Nothing can stop him. Nothing would dare.

Fred: You're never gonna find him, they're long gone.

Johnny 5: Find them, I will.

Ben: He is leaking, he will run out of power, and he will die!

Nostalgia Critic: [in movie trailer voice] He doesn't need battery fluid, VENGEANCE IS HIS FUEL!

Johnny 5: Let's party.

Nostalgia Critic: [in movie trailer voice] "I Robot, You Dead", now playing. Currently.

Old vs. New: Batman vs. The Dark Knight

• Nostalgia Critic: [Regarding supporting characters] But overall, I think I have to go with the '89 film. Why? Because goddamnit, it has Bob in it, and I fucking love Bob! He's the henchman that doesn't say anything, do anything, but for some reason, he really leaves an impression. He's like the Boba Fett of Batman: He barely does anything, but for some reason, people just love him. He even got his own action figure! Why? Why the fuck does he have his own action figure? I don't know, I don't care. I just know that a little bit of coolness tips the pile over to Batman's side. I love ya, Bob. We all do.

Burton Joker: You... are my number one... guy!

• Nostalgia Critic: So the old wins in this situation. Does that mean I don't like "The Dark Knight"? Not at all. I just like "Batman" a little more. And, uh, my only hope is that Christian Bale doesn't take what I said about him too seriously— [The Critic's cell phone rings] 'Scuse me. [Opens and answers it] Hello?

Christian Bale: [Utilizing audio from his infamous rant] What the fuck are you DOING?!

Nostalgia Critic: I'm sorry, man, I just thought—

Christian Bale: No, don't just be sorry. THINK for one fuckin' second!

Nostalgia Critic: Well that's not very nice.

Christian Bale: What the fuck is it with you? Are you professional or not?

Nostalgia Critic: Well, I don't like to brag, but—

Christian Bale: Fuck's sake, man, you're amateur!

Nostalgia Critic: Look, I don't know why you're getting so angry—

Christian Bale: No, shut the fuck up!

Nostalgia Critic: Maybe I could, uh—

Christian Bale: No! NO!! I wanna fuckin' kick your fuckin' ass!

Nostalgia Critic: Why are you so angry? I just don't get it.

Christian Bale: What don't you get about it?

Nostalgia Critic: Hold on, hold on. [Addresses the viewers] I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. [Resumes the call]

Christian Bale: Gimme a fuckin' answer!

Nostalgia Critic: I just don't get why you made Batman sound like he had lung cancer.

Christian Bale: Ohhh, good for you! You're a nice guy.

Nostalgia Critic: Why thank you!

Christian Bale: Shut the fuck up!

Nostalgia Critic: YOU shut up! Go make "Reign of Fire 2"!

Christian Bale: No!

Nostalgia Critic: YES!

Christian Bale: NO!!

Nostalgia Critic: YES!!

Christian Bale: Fuck's sake.

Full House

• Nostalgia Critic: ...I really hope you people appreciate what I do for you. Cause let me tell ya, it's not always easy! The stupid-ass shit I gotta sit through is JUST- [calms himself] ...well, it's not always fun. I mean, a bad movie is one thing, that's like, two hours. But to watch episode upon episode of manufactured "pwecious shit"... or "pwe-shit" as I like to call it, quite often is just more than I can bear. The only upside I have is that I get to share my misery with the people who requested it in the first place!

North

• Nostalgia Critic: You know, growing up I remember seeing a trailer for a Rob Reiner film called "North". [The movie's title screen appears] Even though I never saw it, it looked harmless enough -- sort of a quirky comedy about a boy who divorces his neglecting parents and searches the world for better ones. It just looked like any other average family comedy. But what really drew my attention to it was the "Siskel and Ebert" review.

Gene Siskel: It's... junk. First class... junk.

Roger Ebert: It's a movie that makes me cringe, even when I'm sitting here thinking about it.

Gene Siskel: It's- it's embarrassing. You feel unclean as you're sitting there.

Roger Ebert: I hated this movie as much any movie we've ever reviewed in the 19 years we've been doing this show.

Nostalgia Critic: [visibly shocked] ...DAMN. That is HARSH. I mean, these are the guys that reviewed "Batman and Robin", "Kazaam", the "Super Mario Brothers" movie and the "Tom and Jerry" movie... and this is the movie that made them feel unclean?! What the hell could be in it that could be so bad? Come on, kids! Let's find out!

Kids Offscreen: YAAAAAAYY!

• Nostalgia Critic: [In response to North's Dad saying "Here, loosen his pants!" as North is (apparently) having a seizure] Okay. Alright. You can't let a line like that go by and not have somebody make fun of it. So... here are my jokes. [With band music in the background, a title screen that says "Nostalgia Critic's Top 10 Jokes For This Scene" appears, and "Loosen his pants!" is replayed before each joke is told a la David Letterman's Top Ten lists]

Announcer: Number ten!

Nostalgia Critic: Or take his shirt off -- either way, I'm gettin' a show!

Announcer: Number nine!

Nostalgia Critic: I hate it when I have to direct the strippers.

Announcer: Number eight!

Nostalgia Critic: [as Dr. McCoy] Dammit, man! I'm a doctor, not a pedophile!

Announcer: Number seven!

Nostalgia Critic: Isn't that the slogan for NAMBLA?

Announcer: Number six!

Nostalgia Critic: But just skip over the turning your head and coughing!

Announcer: Number five!

Nostalgia Critic: I always forget if we circumcised him!

Announcer: Number four!

Nostalgia Critic: Now we're going to see why his last name is "Wood"...

Announcer: Number three!

Nostalgia Critic: [as Kramer] Elaine wants to see if he's truly spongeworthy!

Announcer: Number two!

Nostalgia Critic: You know, when you said we were having "the other white meat," this isn't what I had in mind...

Announcer: And the number one joke to be made about this scene is...

Nostalgia Critic: If anyone asks, Art Vandelay did it! [Points to his right] Play me off, Paul! [The Critic starts dancing to music being played by Late Show bandleader Paul Shaffer]

• Nostalgia Critic: So are there as many ethnic stereotypes in Hawaii as there are in Texas? Do volcano gods eat virgins?

Governor Ho: Well here in the islands, we have only twelve letters in our alphabet. [Cut to the Critic, unimpressed and incredulous]

North: Well I didn't know that!

Governor Ho: Well sure! Just think about it: Waikiki, Honolulu... [Cut back to the Critic, now palpably bored]

North: That's very interesting, but how does that help me get into college?

Governor Ho: Well since we don't use the letters "B", "C", "D" and "F", you're pretty much guaranteed to get straight A's.

Nostalgia Critic: [Rubbing his forehead] Good gravy, the jokes on Happy Meals are funnier than this! But North is also wondering why the Governor and his wife want to adopt him in the first place.

Governor Ho: Hawaii is a lush and fertile land. In fact, there's only one barren area on all of our islands. Unfortunately, it's Mrs. Ho. [She shoots him a disapproving look]

Nostalgia Critic: [Throws up arms] That's the worst thing ever uttered by humans. This movie is pure evil.

• Nostalgia Critic: [Near the end of the film] So North rushes towards his parents, the henchmen gets out his gun, pulls the trigger and... [North suddenly jars awake] ...it was all a dream. [Pause, the Critic looks disgusted for a second, then becomes incredibly enraged] WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHAT?! YOU ACTUALLY WENT TO THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR, AND MADE IT ALL A DREAM?! YOU ASS OF SHIT!
• Nostalgia Critic: I hope you enjoyed this journey of racist insensitivity. Allow us to replace the credits with the words "We're Sorry" a hundred times! This movie is... amazing. It actually goes beyond belief. In today's PC world, for a film like this to get made -- let alone for kids -- is scary as shit! How could anyone green-light this? How could anyone sign on for it? How could they get all these big name stars for such an ugly piece of cinematic prostitution?! Maybe Rob Reiner thought he had too many good films and needed a bad film to even it out? Personally, I now see why Siskel and Ebert hated this film so much. And I really agree with Roger Ebert when he ended his review by saying...

Roger Ebert: I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering, stupid, vacant, audience-insulting moment of it.

Nostalgia Critic: YOU'RE TOO FUCKING NICE!

TMNT: The Making of the Coming Out of Their Shells Tour

• Nostalgia Critic: This is pretty much the worst thing that ever had the Ninja Turtles name on it!

Angry Video Game Nerd: This is even worse than Ninja Turtles 3.

[The Critic and Nerd shudder and cross themselves]

Nostalgia Critic: In fact, why the hell do we even have this pleasant backdrop? [The backdrop is the Chicago skyline] Let's get something else back there! [Chicago is replaced with a fiery backdrop and Raphael's severed head arranged as a skull and crossbones] MUCH better!

Sidekicks

• Nostalgia Critic: So he sits at home watching, what else? Chuck Norris movies! As he fantasizes AGAIN about being his sidekick. This time the villain is played by Joe Piscopo and we find out that the damsel is and always has been Ms. Chan. I... don't think this is so much as dreaming about Chuck as it is fantasizing about his teacher. I mean, if she's always the person being trussed up and rescued, isn't that a little... um, creepy? And what exactly happens after you saved her? Does she give you a 'Thank you' with a happy ending? Well, I think the answer is obvious. He gives her to Chuck Norris.

Announcer: A-CHUCK-A NORRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!

Gargoyles

• Nostalgia Critic: But I think my favorite episode is the one called "Future Tense," where Goliath arrives in the future and all hell broke loose as Xanatos has apparently taken over. Trying to set things right, all the gargoyles get killed and slaughtered by Xanatos' army. But then it turns out Xanatos is really a computer with all the memories of the original person. But THEN it turns out it wasn't Xanatos at all—it was Lexington, who's become overtaken by madness. BUT THEN it turns out it was all an illusion by Puck to try and get a mythical emblem from Goliath. AND THEN it turns out it may or may not have been a dream. AND THEN it turns out that Goliath is a woman! [A photoshop image of Goliath in drag appears.] Okay, that didn't happen, but you get the idea.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

• Nostalgia Critic: This is the SHIT! Well, not the shit, that was the first movie, but this is, uh, ADEQUATELY SATISFYING!
• Chester A. Bum: [walks in after the review ends. Looks at the camera] Dude, did he just do my act?

Steel

• Nostalgia Critic: So Shaq goes back home, which I swear is the house from Up, as he gets reacquainted with his grandmother and— [Grandma Odessa and Ray J loudly shush John Irons as he walks in; whispering] Oh, uh, who's very happy to see him. Why are we whispering?

Grandma Odessa: It's supposed to be a soufflé.

John Irons: A soufflé?

Grandma Odessa: 'Til you come stormin' in.

Nostalgia Critic: We're talking quietly because it'll upset the soufflé?

Grandma Odessa: How am I ever supposed to master the art of French cooking when you keep crashin' in here like James Brown? [singing] I feel good nanananananana!

Nostalgia Critic: So, just to recap: armed weapons, soufflés, and crazy grandmas. I think we're in for a wild ride!

Grandma Odessa: It's supposed to be all light, fluffy, and full of air.

Nostalgia Critic: You know, like your head!

Top 11 Cereal Mascots

• Nostalgia Critic: [Regarding the Froot Loops commercials] Just how many problems can Froot Loops solve anyway? Well, geesh, Toucan Sam, my father has AIDS!

Toucan Sam: Then follow your nose.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, OK!

Toucan Sam: It always knows!

Nostalgia Critic: Well, I wonder what it could be?

Toucan Sam: Ah, Kellogg's Froot Loops cereal!

Nostalgia Critic: [Gasps with a surprised reaction, then pauses] ...my father still has AIDS! [Face gradually changes to him about to cry.]

• Nostalgia Critic: [Regarding the monster cereal mascots] And it was kind of clever that they took the voice of the movie monsters they were spoofing, like Count Chocula is Bela Lugosi...

Count Chocula: Then you'll enjoy my Count Chocula cereal!

Nostalgia Critic: ...Frankenberry is Boris Karloff...

Frankenberry: Frankenberry has strawberry-flavored sweeties!

Nostalgia Critic: ...and, for some reason, Boo Berry was Peter Lorre.

Boo Berry: ...with my hauntingly delicious cereal!

Nostalgia Critic: Did he ever play a ghost? Ah, well he's dead now, so maybe that counts.

• Nostalgia Critic: Number four: Sonny, from Cocoa Puffs. Sonny is just an addict, okay? He needs help! He needs to go into rehab and have his illness treated. Look at him, he's just trying to do his everyday work, when suddenly these little bungholes come up and tempt him by feeding his habit! What's up with those kids? They're fucking enablers!
• Nostalgia Critic: So, I guess the Trix Rabbit is a way of showing kids humanity's a natural cruelty to others. It's not right, it's not fair, but ya gotta just deal with it! [Beat] Trix are for kids, motherfucker! Ha, ha! The Trix Rabbit, because hey, we're just flat-out sadists.

Barb Wire

• Nostalgia Critic: So it turns out Cora D enters at the exact same time the colonel does, but that doesn't get Barb's attention. What gets her attention is Cora's husband Axel, who used to be Barb's lover.

Axel: I never wanted to hurt you! Now's not the time to explain.

Barb: Well, you're three years late, Axel. Get out and don't come back!

Nostalgia Critic: Wait a minute! Let me recap this: A fascist government is looking for a scientist and spouse working for a resistance who take shelter in a bar under management by the spouse's ex-lover and a corrupted cop? Hmm... now where have I heard that before—CASABLANCA! [Casablanca's title screen appears.] I mean...WOW! There's, like, no difference! The plot is literally just Casablanca! Why? Why rip off Casablanca? Did you really think that nobody would notice? Did you think that arguably the most famous romance film of all time was so low on the radar that NO ONE WOULD MAKE THE CONNECTION?! Granted, the titties were a good distraction, BUT THEY CAN ONLY HIDE SO MUCH! I mean, what would Humphrey Bogart have to say about this? [imitating Bogart] Of all the film flops in all of cinema in all the world, she had to rip off mine. Cocksucking bitch.

Old Vs New: LOTR Animated vs. Lord of the Rings

• Nostalgia Critic: By the way, how does that work? If the sword wound works its way to his heart he becomes one of the Black Riders?

Bakshi Frodo: Would I have...?

Bakshi Gandalf: You would have become like them... one of the Ringwraiths.

Nostalgia Critic: Wouldn't that be a little... um... awkward? I mean, I don't think they'd look as intimidating if a little guy in a cloak was running around.

Jackson Ringwraith: [speech balloon] Dude, he's gonna ruin our image!

Nostalgia Critic: Eeh, maybe they'd just give him a desk job.

Ringwraith Desk Jockey: I do hate Mondays.

Nostalgia Critic: Even though I love Elijah Wood as Frodo, The Bakshi one just seemed a little stronger, as well as closer to the book. No offence wood but point goes to Bakshi.

Jackson Frodo: What do you know about it!? NOTHING!

• Nostalgia Critic: [Regarding Gandalf] My only problem in the Bakshi film is he's a little too over the top. Like, compare these two scenes where he yells at Pippin.

Jackson Gandalf: Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!

Bakshi Gandalf: Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time! [Runs off blabbering incomprehensibly]

Nostalgia critic: [Mimics Gandalf's blabbering]

• Nostalgia Critic: [As Smeagol] I think we want Diet Coca Cola.

Nostalgia Critic: [As Gollum] No! We want Original Coca Cola Classic!

Nostalgia Critic: [As Smeagol] But we have to watch our Calories! We're trying to lose weight!

Nostalgia Critic: [As Gollum] No! We love the Calories! We love ALL OF THEM!

Nostalgia Critic: [As Smeagol] You suck!

Nostalgia Critic: [As Gollum] Hey, You suck!

• Nostalgia Critic: So there you go, Peter Jackson vs. Ralph Bakshi. Though I do feel bad I'm not able to compare "Return of the King" to anything. Oh! Wait a minute! The Rankin Bass version! That's right! They did "Return of the King"! Well, I'll just compare those two then.

Rankin Bass Orcs: (singing) Where there's a whip, there's a way! Where there's a whip-

Nostalgia Critic: Peter Jackson!

[The poster for "The Fellowship of the Ring" crushes the Orcs]

Last Action Hero

• Nostalgia Critic: There's some people that just keep making appearances here at Nostalgia Central, people like Shaquille O'Neal, Pee Wee Herman, Abe Vigoda and of course, the Austrian beef sandwich himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger. What is it about him anyway? He's so goofy, and yet so likable. Such a bad actor, and yet so entertaining. You can't stop watching him no matter how hard you try. Well, if there's any movie that can make the Arnold formula seem old and stale... apart from all his other ones, it's "Last Action Hero". You'd think the director of Die Hard and Predator would know something about keeping audiences entertained, but in John McTiernan's big budget borefest, we find that even the most action packed director can make the most dull, unfunny and creatively misled of pictures. Now I know what you're thinking, "Arnold Schwarzenegger make a bad movie? Surely you jest!" Well, let's take a look at why "Last Action Hero" is a last action zero. [beat] Trust me, it's a lot funnier than most of the jokes in this movie!
• Jack Slater: [To a cop standing in his way] Hey, you wanna be a farmer? Here's a couple of acres! [Kicks him in the crotch, sending him flying offscreen]

Nostalgia Critic: YEAH! [Thinks for a second] I'm sorry, could you repeat that? [The sequence is repeated, followed by another beat] What... does that... mean? I mean, Arnold's lines are corny, but they usually make sense! Is it because "acres" sounds like "aches"? Is it because he kicked him so far it's like the distance of an acre? Are his balls the acres? I mean, WHAT'S THE JOKE?! Arnold, you can't just say random phrases and expect them to magically be funny, you gotta think about them first. It's like saying [Imitates Schwarzenegger's voice] "You want to be an astronaut? [Beat] Trix are for kids!" [Punches the screen]

Captain N: The Game Master

• Nostalgia Critic: I love whores. I love everything about them. How willing they are to sell their souls for money, and how cheerful they can be in the process. I'm not talking about the people who sell their bodies. No, no, no. I'm talking about Media Whores, the people who create stories and ideas solely for the purpose of selling their product. And in the late 80's, early 90's, there was no better brothel for media whores than Nintendo. Now, before you go nuts, I love Nintendo -- who doesn't? It's like the greatest gaming company in the world. But that doesn't mean they didn't sell out time after time when it came to their spin-off products, mostly in television and movie development. Time after time, Nintendo has put out horribly written and horribly executed shows and films that had no interest in actually entertaining the viewer, but rather just selling more Nintendo games and accessories. And heeeeere's another one!

Announcer: Captain N: The Game Master.

Nostalgia Critic: Ah, yes. "Captain N: The Game Master". The Saturday morning TV show that instantly made you want to play more Nintendo games. Why? BECAUSE ANYTHING WAS BETTER THAN WATCHING THIS PISS-POOR, PUTRID PILE OF PIXELATED PIGSHIT!

• Nostalgia Critic: So, ya know, aside from lame lines, nonsensical stories and completely misunderstood character development, what specifically is wrong with this show? Well how about the fact that nothing in this world is consistent? For example, we clearly see that pretty much anytime he wants, Kevin can use his Nintendo Pad to pause reality. Well, why the hell doesn't he just do that all the time? Wouldn't that make everything a lot easier? I mean, how come he never confronts Mother Brain like this?

Mother Brain: Prepare to meet your match, Captain N! Ahahaha— [The Critic uses an NES controller to pause her (complete with vintage sound effect), calmly swaps the controller for his gun, shoots her through the face and puts down the gun]

Nostalgia Critic: I'm awesome. [The series announcer exclaims the show's name as the text "END OF SERIES" appears on screen] Or how about these warp zones that they keep using? They can apparently jump from world to world whenever they want, so... why don't they just warp to the inside of the enemy's room and zap 'em? In fact, they do that a few times! It seems so easy, except they don't bring any guards or armies, they just use the Eggplant guy who shits out some vegetables.

Eggplant Wizard: I-I'm just an incompetent vegetable...

Nostalgia Critic: Again, why doesn't Kevin just use the warp zone to shoot Mother Brain when she's in the middle of a hammy speech?

Mother Brain: I'm not only the most beautiful brain in the world, I'm the comman— [The screen shows the Critic's empty chair, then he appears out of nowhere] Ah! [The Critic calmly shoots her in the face again and puts down his gun]

Nostalgia Critic: I'm awesome. [The series announcer exclaims the show's name as the text "END OF SERIES" appears again on screen] But no, there's always some lame-ass excuse as to why he can't just blast her.

Kevin: [As Mother Brain is violently spinning around in her tank] Get to the warp zone! It's too dangerous to finish her off!

Nostalgia Critic: [as Kevin] We're contractually obligated to keep stalling for three more seasons!

We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story

• [A monochrome montage of various scenes from We're Back! plays while random splatters of blood interrupt them. The entire time, a version of My Favorite Things from The Sound of Music by The Lennon Sisters plays. This eventually gives way to a voiceover by a new character named Raoul Puke, a parody of Hunter S. Thompson's Raoul Duke character from Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas.]

Raoul Puke: I was somewhere in the living room, on the edge of the couch, when the drugs began to take hold. The only strange thing is I wasn't on any drugs. It was one of the few instances of sobriety I've ever experienced, and never again will I return to that nasty realm. Because if it's anything like what I saw on the television, then the world of LSD clearly has more sense and logic than that of reality. Hello, I'm Raoul Puke, father of Fozzy journalism. I've covered everything from Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas to Where The Buffalo Roam, but today... today I'm here to tell you about a very particular trip. It is a trip that I wish never to take again. A trip of sobriety, I will not lie, but it came from a very particular place: a children's film. A children's film I hope never to revisit. A children's film that brought out horrid images that I hope never to experience again. There's only one children's film that can possibly bring out this kind of horrible trip in any manner. It is simply known as... "We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story". [The movie's title screen is shown] Clearly these writers and directors had bitten off far more ecstasty than they could chew, because there is no story structure or visual logic that could be obtained from any reasonable, sober human being. At least, let's pray to God there isn't. The fact that these disturbing images is marketed as a children's film is ludicrous and unkind. Clearly, no child should ever have to go through such a horrible punishment. So let's take the ticket... [Lights up a cigarette] ...ride the ride.

• Raoul Puke: So the Neweyes fart tells them that his goal is to use the time machine to travel back in time to grant all the wishes of children in the world. I would use it to stop 9/11... unethical jackass. I mean, the Kennedy assassination? The bombing of Pearl Harbor? Really? None of these are important compared to entertaining whiny little bastard children? Well, while you're taking requests, here's a kid named Hitler. He just wants to start his own Third Reich and bring joy and happiness to the world. Why don't you grant him that wish, huh? HUH?!
• Rex: [To the little bird from the beginning of the film] Good night, little tough guy. Remember my story.

Raoul Puke: WHY?! What did he teach him? There was no meaning to the story! Those little bastards are still making fun of him, so nothing's changed! Is the moral "Never grow up"? "Always be a mama's bird"? Bullshit! This is a horrible lesson! I mean, nothing was accomplished, goddammit! You'd think with five dinosaurs set loose on Manhattan something would be accomplished! But no! This was a waste of my time and energy! It had no purpose! Big Lipped Alligator Moment? Try Big Lipped Alligator Movie! Threatening visuals! Horrifyingly dull storylines! This movie is awful! You know, it's often said by former drug users that it's actual possible to get more high without drugs than you can with them. [Beat] Well this movie is chock full of that, man! Granted, at times the animation is nice, but it's just deprived of anything that makes the art of cinema animation look decent. It's a depraved, savage work, a work that tries to shove whimsical magic up your ass until it comes out your mouth as toxic fumes whistling "Zippity Fucking Doo-dah". So do yourself a favor: get off the ride... and get a refund. I'm Raoul Puke, and I'm just another freak in the freak kingdom. [In a final homage to "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas", "Jumpin' Jack Flash" plays him off the screen]

Warriors of Virtue

• Nostalgia Critic: Meanwhile, on the set of Dune, we see our villain named Komodo.

Minion: I brought you this. It's from a boy. He's a newcomer! [Komodo looks strangely at the minion.].

Komodo: Newcomer?

Nostalgia Critic: [imitating Komodo] The Monarch is not pleased! [The minion falls down a hole.]

Komodo: General Grillo, I ask you this: What's the point of power... if you don't abuse people?

Nostalgia Critic: [imitating Komodo] I'm trying to do every Johnny Depp performance I've ever seen.

Lord Grillo: My Lord, it's the symbol of Tao. [mispronounced]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, really?? The symbol of TAO?? Boy, how tare you! You must be a very taring person to tispense such tepressing information!

Captain America

• Nostalgia Critic: The onlookers wish to congratulate the scientist.

Richard: Remarkable work, Dr. Vaselli. [Extends hand] Congratulations. [retracts hand] Heil Hitler! [Shoots Dr. Vaselli with the other hand]

Nostalgia Critic: [Laughing] What was that?! [The scene is repeated] Wow, that was... the most over-the-top way to kill somebody. I give you props, guys, that was mighty silly. I mean, it's just so sporadic. You could call it the "Psych, Hitler!" You go in to shake someone's hand, and it's like, "Psych, heil Hitler!" Do you think he does that everywhere? Like, at weddings? "A toast to the bride and groom, on this, the happiest day of their—HEIL HITLER!" [Shoots] Or how about bar mitzvahs? You think he does it there? "Jimmy, now that you're officially a man, let us celebrate with this most sacred of Jewish traditi—HEIL HITLER!!!" [Shoots wildly] Or good God, what if he was a kindergarten teacher? [Singing] "The Itsy Bitsy Spider went up the water spout, down came the rain to—HEIL HITLER!!!!" [Shoots even more wildly]

• Nostalgia Critic: So yeah, just going by this movie alone, it appears that Captain America would be the lamest superhero ever. [Pulls out the movie's VHS case] I mean, just look at the highlights on the back of the box. It's Captain America getting beaten up by Red Skull and being strapped to the bomb! These are the heroic highlights, kids! Oh, I also like this where it says that "Captain America [Cuts to the following text on the case] is a high-flying adventure for children of all ages..." [Cuts to the film's PG-13 rating] ...as long as you're over the age of 13!

Top 11 Fuck Ups

• [On leaving Optimus Prime's death in the animated Transformers movie off his Top 11 Saddest Nostalgic Moments countdown]

Nostalgia Critic: But people still to this day can't believe I made such a huge mistake. There were protests in the streets, nations went to war, it tore the world apart. Clearly, there was only one possible thing I could do. To give the situation the dignity that it deserves, I hired one of the greatest generals to read a note of apology that I personally wrote. [Cuts to a clip from "Patton" with the text "Optimus Prime Memorial Service" inserted into the scene]

General Patton: Now I freely admit that my method was wrong, but I hope you can understand my motive, and will accept this... explanation... and this... apology. Dismissed.

Other Soldier: Ten hut!

Nostalgia Critic: I know that looks like a clip from "Patton" but... it wasn't.

Alone in the Dark

• Nostalgia Critic: [using a Macintalk] Well, it finally happened, I've been traumatized by the movie I just saw, a film so bad that my doctor tells me I may never speak again. What film brought me to such a speechless state? Well, let me tell you the story of a sauerkraut named Uwe Boll. He is being declared the new Ed Wood of the film world, a man who constantly keeps making horrible movie after horrible movie and yet somehow keeps making money. He mostly makes video game films like "House of the Dead" and "Bloodrayne". His gimmick is that he exercises German tax loopholes that reward his investments into the film, even if they totally bomb. So, if the movie loses money, the investor got a tax write-off. He's also well-known for challenging his critics to a boxing match and beating the living manshit out of them. Class act. Because of his unfortunate popularity, many of my viewers have been requesting me to review one of his movies. I took a look at one of his more famous films, "Alone in the Dark", and am now paying the consequences. I'd love to review the movie for you, but I do not want to sound like Stephen Hawking's speaking coach. So, it looks like I'm going to pass on this one unless I can find someone to review...

Spoony: [appears from the left side of the screen] Diiiid someone say Uwe Boll? Man, I've wanted to take a shot at that cinematic Hitler for years!

Nostalgia Critic: How did you get in here?

Spoony: I'm from the future!

Nostalgia Critic: What?

Spoony: I'm just kidding, I broke in.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, not that I wouldn't want to watch the movie again with you, Spoony, but I fear a film this bad would take at least 3 reviewers. So, unless you can find someone else...

Linkara: [appears from the right side of the screen] Hi, guys!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, Jesus, no.

Linkara: I saw the Nostalgia Signal in the sky. [shot of the bat signal with the Critic's head over it, with the 60's Batman theme playing]

Nostalgia Critic: Why did I install that?

Linkara: No one should have to watch Uwe Boll alone, especially with Spoony.

Spoony: Hey dude, check out what I can make the Nostalgia Critic say! [starts typing on the Critic's keyboard] "I like to wear women's clothing. I like to wear women's clothing." [the Critic finally stops him]

Nostalgia Critic: Well, I guess we have enough people to withstand the horrors of the Boll. So what do you say we watch "Alone in the Dark" with a group in the daylight?

Linkara: Sounds great.

Spoony: Totally looking forward to it.

Nostalgia Critic: Goody.

• [As Edward's home goes dark and is being invaded by people with compromised immune systems]

Linkara: How do they even know these guys are evil? They could've been innocent civilians who just wandered in.

90s Kid: Whoa! What's all these flashing lights— [shot multiple times] Oohhh, not radical. [falls]

Dr. Insano: [holding a textbook] I brought science! [shot, then falls]

Ma-Ti: [holding a pizza box] Pizza delivery— [shot, then falls] Heart!

Chester A. Bum: CHAAANGE! Ya got— [shot, then falls]

• Spoony: So they put together that all the nasty monsters and zombie people are coming from this one cave, or mine, or ... something. So they load up and get ready to go snooping around.

Stephen Dorff: [Shouting] Wait for my command!

713 Guy: [Shouting] We got three perimeters of flashlights set up! And every available agent in the vicinity is in the--

Stephen Dorff: [Shouting] Look, I don't care what you have to do!

Linkara: I do love just random yelling.

Stephen Dorff: [Shouting] Look at this place! We need more!

[Nostalgia Critic, Spoony, and Linkara all start shouting random things at the same time]

Spoony: I want everyone deployed and I want a full perimeter around this situation! We got a hard target search for the escaped fugitive! I want everyone searched!

Linkara: Alright, you gotta do this right here! Get this generator right here! Put it right here! Let's row it! And do this! I need scissors, sixty-one!

Nostalgia Critic: [On Macintalk] You! Do more stuff! And you! Do more stuff! And you! Do more stuff than the stuff that the other guy is doing! Stuff! Stuff! Stuff!

Christopher Walken clip: I gotta have more cowbell!

• Linkara: So that was Uwe Boll's "Alone in the Dark". How does it fare up? Horrible!

Spoony: It's god-awful!

Nostalgia Critic: [using a Macintalk] Deplorable.

Spoony: I can see why this guy is called the next Ed Wood. His stories make no sense, there's no originality, the plot holes are just gigantic, and on top of all that, it has nothing to do with the game it was based on!

Nostalgia Critic: There, it's over. Now leave.

Spoony: Oh, come on, I got all these other Uwe Boll movies we could watch, like House of the Dead! [the Critic slaps Spoony in the head] Nyeeh!

Linkara: Don't forget to buy Revolution of the Mask! [the Critic tries to poke Linkara in the eyes]

Spoony: Why, what about Dungeon Siege? [the Critic slaps Spoony again] Nyeeh!

Linkara: Hey, you leave him alone! [the Critic attacks Linkara's nose] Woo-woo-woo-woo! [cue Three Stooges music]

Spoony: Well, if you wanna watch some hot chicks, I got Bloodrayne. [the Critic pokes Spoony in the eyes] Nyeeeoh! Bloodrayne 2? [the Critic takes Bloodrayne 2's case and slaps Spoony in the head with it] Eeeh! [Linkara takes the Critic's hat and hits him with it]

Nostalgia Critic: Pick five.

Linkara: Five! [the Critic slaps Linkara] Nyeeh!

Spoony: Why you gotta be so mean? We could watch Seed. [the Critic elbows and hits Spoony and Linkara simultaneously] That's it, Critic! It's on now! [Spoony catches the Critic in a headlock and begins applying a noogie while Linkara employs ineffectual slaps]

Nostalgia Critic: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.

Spoony: Woop-oop-oop-oop-oop-oop! Woop-oop-oop-oop-oop-oop!

Blank Check

• Nostalgia Critic: So Preston gets his bike run over by the Quigley guy, who sees a cop and forgets to write out the amount in the check to cover the injury. So you think his folks would be relieved that he's okay, right? Not in the impractical world of "Bland Shit 101"!

Preston's Mom: I thought we understood about taking care of our valuables.

Preston: It's a piece of junk.

Preston's Dad: Well, if that's how you feel about a gift from your parents, I don't see giving you a new one for your birthday.

Preston: I don't want a new bike, I want my own room.

Preston's Dad: I'm warning you, you're on as thin ice as it is about the bike.

Preston: What I want is my own house.

Preston's Dad: That's it, young man. Until further notice, you are grounded.

Nostalgia Critic: [as Preston's Dad] That'll teach him to almost get run over. I almost had to summon an emotion there. Pfft!

Old Vs New: Willy Wonka vs. Charlie

• Nostalgia Critic: So the old wins this time around. And as a special treat, here's the original music from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" to play us out. ["Wonka's Welcome Song" from the 2005 film plays instead] No, no, no! PLAY SOMETHING ELSE! [Theme song from It's a Small World theme park ride plays] D'OOOHH! PLAY SOMETHING ELSE! [Theme song from DuckTales plays] AAOOOHH! SOMETHING ELSE, GOD! SOMETHING ELSE! [Theme song from the Doug NickToon plays, then the Critic's head drops before he addresses the camera] Alright, enough is enough. This is the final, this is the very very last straw! WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS... THIS... I DEMAND THAT YOU SHOW YOURSELF! WHO ARE YOU?! HUUHH?! [The Critic's review is paused, and the camera pulls back to reveal it's being manipulated by someone on their computer in an homage to the Daffy Duck cartoon Duck Amuck]

Douchy McNitpick: [chuckles vengefully] Ain't I a stinker?

Cool as Ice

• [Johnny (Vanilla Ice) has supplanted the previous act at a local club]

Johnny: Yup yup. [New music signifies the beginning of his rap]

Nostalgia Critic: Ohhh dear, let's get out the White-O-Meter again. [The accompanying graphic appears on-screen]

Johnny: Drop it! [The White-O-Meter progresses from "White" to "Very White," then to "Albino" before settling back down] Aw yeah! I'munna drop some funky lyrics! [The White-O-Meter immediately shoots all the way up to "Invisible," accompanied by a dinging noise] Thirty words 'cause you're a nerd, I'm first to third, it's absurd to think that you heard...

Nostalgia Critic: Sweet candy-coated Jesus! Wonder Bread eaten by a conservative congressman in the middle of a snowstorm isn't this white!

Suburban Commando

• [As Charlie and Shep are having an argument]

Nostalgia Critic: And then Charlie says probably one of my favorite out-of-context lines of all time...

Charlie Wilcox: Christ! I was frozen today!

Nostalgia Critic: [Laughs] I friggin' LOVE that line. Let me hear it again.

Charlie Wilcox: I was frozen today!

Nostalgia Critic: [Laughs again] Just out of nowhere! The next time you're in the middle of an argument with someone, just say it! Just say it out of nowhere. For example, you'll be like... [Cut to Nostalgia Critic sitting down, arguing with Nostalgia Critic standing up]

Critic 1: Don't act like you know what I'm going through. You have no idea what I'm going through!

Critic 2: Well, don't act like you're king of the universe all the time!

Critic 1: I worked very hard to get where I am!

Critic 2: "Hard work"! You have no idea what hard work is!

Critic 1: I WAS FROZEN TODAY! [Critic 2 stares awkwardly at Critic 1 while slowly backing out of the room, closing the door]

Nostalgia Critic: Say it at parties, family get-togethers, whatever. Just sit back and enjoy some of the most awkward expressions you've ever seen in your entire life. [The Critic gives a thumbs up as the line appears on screen and is repeated one more time]

Next Karate Kid, The

• [As Mr. Miyagi is standing in the next room]

Julie's Grandmother: I want you to talk to him.

Julie: You invited him here -- you talk to him.

Julie's Grandmother: [as Julie is storming outside] Where are you going? SUSAN! [awkward silence]

Julie: My name is Julie! My mother's name was Susan! She was killed in a car accident with my father and they're both dead!

[Cut to the Critic now wearing a tuxedo and holding a card as a drumroll is heard off-screen]

Nostalgia Critic: And the award for "Worst Exposition Ever to be Uttered in a Movie" is... [reads the card] ..."The Next Karate Kid"! [claps along with sound of applause] You suck! I mean... WOW! That was just painful! How much more forced could you possibly get?

[The scene is repeated, then followed by a scene from Spaceballs]

Dark Helmet: [breaking the fourth wall and addressing the audience] Everybody got that?

Casper

• Nostalgia Critic: So through a kind of secret message, they figure out there's some sort of treasure buried inside the house, and thus they go inside to investigate.

Carrigan: What a dump.

Dibs: It's a bit spooky.

Carrigan: Dibs... [Motions to his hand in a cast, which is now on fire from the lighter he was using]

Dibs: NAAH! AHH! AHH! AHH! [Quickly stamps out the fire with his other hand]

Nostalgia Critic:: [Stonefaced] That's not funny.

"Casper": Oh please! You wouldn't know what funny is!

Nostalgia Critic: No, I think I would...

"Casper": Oh please! Do you know what the pure essence of all comedy is? [Long, awkward pause]

Nostalgia Critic: So they go into the house when they're suddenly greeted by—

"Casper": [Flying towards the camera and smiling] TIMING! [Another awkward pause]

Nostalgia Critic: So they go into the house...

Superman IV

• [The review begins with Linkara in place of the Critic and sporting the former's trademark hat, tie and jacket]

Linkara: Did you know that the Superman films have a parallel history to the Batman movies? "Superman: The Movie" was the first attempt to portray Superman in a serious light. The tagline was "You'll believe a man can fly", and that's exactly what director Richard Donner intended to do: convince an audience that the man they were seeing on screen could actually fly. But the price of this idea came too high for its producers, so Donner was booted off the franchise during "Superman II"'s production and replaced with Richard Lester. In "Superman III", more emphasis was put on comedy and Richard Pryor was even brought in, and boy did it suck balls! But not nearly as much as the cinematic abomination I have to view today. Welcome to "Superman IV: The Quest for Peace", where we learn that wars aren't caused by differing ideologies, power-hungry dictators or economic necessity. Nooo! It's all because of nuclear weapons! Just nuclear weapons and the eeevil people who profit from them! And boy, am I not looking forward to this one bit— [He's interrupted by static and the Critic appears at his desk, stone-faced and unimpressed] Oh, uh, uh hi, Nostalgia Critic! [Back to the Critic, still staring at him] Oh, I, uh [Laughs nervously and starts removing his hat and tie] bet you're wondering what I'm doin' here... [Back to the Critic, still staring] Well see, the thing is that I review comic books and you review movies and I figured if I was gonna review a comic book movie— [The Critic slowly raises his gun and readies it to fire] Yeah, I'll just uh, quit right here...

Nostalgia Critic: Oh no you don't! You started this dumbass review -- we're gonna finish it! But first, get outta those clothes! [Fires the gun, nearly (and inexplicably) hitting Linkara where he's sitting]

Linkara: What the...?! How did you—

Nostalgia Critic: OUT!

Linkara: I'm goin'! I'm goin'! [Leaves briefly]

Nostalgia Critic: Good. [Puts his gun down] So let's go ahead and review... [Thinks for a moment] What are we reviewing again? [The movie's title screen appears] Aww, fuck donkeys!

• Linkara: [As Superman stands before the United Nations] Oh God, it's this scene.

Nostalgia Critic: What? What's the matter with it?

Linkara: Just watch.

Superman: For many years now I've lived among you as a visitor. As of today, I'm not a visitor any more. I can't stand idly by and watch as you stumble into the madness of possible nuclear destruction. And so I've come to a decision. Effective immediately, I'm going to rid our planet of all nuclear weapons. [The entire UN audience bursts out in applause. The Critic stares in shock at the screen, while Linkara has a disgusted look on his face]

Nostalgia Critic: Did Superman just say he's going to rid the world of nuclear weapons by himself... whether the governments are unwilling to or not?

Linkara: Mmhmmm.

Nostalgia Critic: And everyone's...okay with this?

Linkara: They are, Critic. Which means that it's time to play... INTERNATIONAL POLITICS! [A flashing logo of "International Politics" comes on screen with game show music, while the Critic looks around in confusion] All right Nostalgia Critic! You're Israel, you're surrounded on all sides by enemies who would happily see you wiped off the map. However, the only thing keeping them at bay is your nuclear arsenal. Now Superman comes along and says that he's going to take that arsenal away. Whaddaya do?!

Nostalgia Critic: Uhh, um - tell him to help my ass? [A buzzer goes off]

Linkara: Oh I'm sorry, Critic! The correct answer was "applaud wildly"!

Nostalgia Critic: Damnit!

Linkara: Next question, and this one's for the game. [The Critic makes determined expressions] You're the Soviet Union. You're engaged in a cold war against the United States, and the fear of mutually assured destruction via nuclear weapons is the only thing keeping you and the US from engaging each other in combat with conventional weapons. Suddenly Superman comes along and says that he's going to take away all your nuclear weapons. Whaddaya do?!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh! I know, I know! Applaud wildly! [A bell dings rapidly]

Linkara: That is correct! [Celebratory music plays as the Critic laughs excitedly] You win the grand prize, Critic! You get to continue watching this crap!

Nostalgia Critic: Damnit!

• Superman: And there will be peace. There will be peace when the people of the world want it so badly that their governments will have no choice but to give it to them.

Nostalgia Critic and Linkara: Oooohhhhhh!

Nostalgia Critic: I see! We just didn't want peace hard enough.

Linkara: Of course! It all makes sense: peace doesn't come about through economic interdependence and the spread of similar ideals. It's just wanting it!

Nostalgia Critic: [Laughs] Yeah... [Long, awkward pause as the camera pans between Linkara and the Critic once each] WHAT A FUCKING LOAD!!

Linkara: This movie sucks!

Nostalgia Critic: Its morals are bullshit, its plot is half thrown together, and physics take a back seat to mediocre special effects that you're more likely to see in one of Linkara's videos!

Linkara: HEY!

Nostalgia Critic: Get over it, ya comic geek -- your special effects suck!

Linkara: Bat Credit Card.

Nostalgia Critic: A BAT CREDIT CARD?! [The Critic starts shouting angry gibberish while shooting with his gun randomly]

Linkara: He's the Nostalgia Critic. He remembers it, so you don't have to!

Congo

• Nostalgia Critic: [Communicating via a series of ape-like grunts and gestures] Sometimes it's best to do things as animalistic as possible. For example, if I threw my own feces at the movie I'm reviewing today... you'd consider it an upgrade. What movie could cause such an outburst of beastly behavior? [The movie's title screen is shown, and the Critic starts shrieking and frantically waving his arms] Horrible writing! Lousy acting! Crappy directing! And ape costumes so bad they make Roddy McDowall look like an endangered species. [The Critic reverts to his usual self] So let's take a look!
• Nostalgia Critic: The film begins with the master of modern-day B movies himself Bruce Campbell, who is so cool that every time someone mentions his name, a man is cured of impotence.

Charles Travis: [While holding an exotic-looking gun] Johnny on the spot phasic laser.

Nostalgia Critic: [as Campbell] Nyah, I just shit this outta my ass. I shit guns, that's how cool I am! [Charles fires it, which produces an intense laser and the Critic returns to reviewing] So he's talking to a member of the CIA who also happens to be his fiancée named Karen played by Laura Linney, who very rarely turns in a bad performance. [Subtitles appear on the screen that say "This is one of those rarities"] They're looking for some sort of rare diamond that apparently can charge their laser guns to the nth degree.

Karen Ross: I read you, Charles.

Charles Travis: Well, eureka and all that. I found the bloody thing. [Charles' surroundings shake, and Campbell does an unconvincing lurch to simulate this]

Karen Ross: What was that?

Nostalgia Critic: [as Campbell] Hokey acting. It's okay, I make a living out of it. [Back to reviewing] They're under the orders of Joe Don Baker, who quite frankly has a lot of other bad movies he could be starring in...

Joel, Servo and Crow: [From MST3K] Mitchell!

Siskel and Ebert

• [Showing a clip of Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert between takes of a promo they were shooting]

Nostalgia Critic: But at least they could agree on one thing: they both fucking hate Protestants.

Roger Ebert: Goddamn Protestants, the biggest thing that happens for them on Sunday is a bake sale.

Gene Siskel: No, they gotta decide what color yellow tie to fucking buy.

[Cut to the Critic, jaw dropped and horrified by what he's hearing]

Roger Ebert: That's right, the only fucking religion that has a Reader's Digest as a prayer book.

Nostalgia Critic: [beat] I would just like to point out that, um, not all critics are prejudiced against certain religions. I, for example, am only prejudiced against these: [a very long list of various religions is quickly scrolled across the middle of the screen] Especially the middle one.

Judge Dredd

• Nostalgia Critic: So Fargo takes the questionable plot device of the long walk as Dredd is sentenced to life imprisonment.

Judge Griffin: Let the betrayer of the Law be taken from our courts! Let his armor be taken from him...

Nostalgia Critic: Geesh, guy!

Judge Griffin: ...and all his garb of justice! Let him be stricken from our hearts and our memories... forever!

Nostalgia Critic: [as Griffin] May his nostrils be plucked with sheer disappointment! May the Butt Plug of Shame be shoved up his ass! [now back to reviewing] And of course Fargo goes for that idiotic long walk. [Fargo is escorted out of the city, and a large door is slowly closed behind him]

Nostalgia Critic: [as Fargo] Wait, I forgot my iPod! [door closes and Fargo looks out on to a far-reaching desert] Oh well, I guess it's just me and a lifetime of loneliness... [long pause, then begins singing] One hundred bottles of beer on the wall, one hundred bottles of beer! Ya take one down, pass it around...

Holiday Clusterfuck

• Nostalgia Critic: Well, it's that time of the year again, and for some reason, people get angry and stressed out. But why? We have Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, three of the best holidays of all time. But why is it that people get this negative feeling, this bad churning in their stomach that they can't avoid? Well, I think I have the answer. And I'm going to tell you. In song.

[He grabs a bamboo cane and dons a top hat as music starts to play.]

It's the holiday clusterfuck, holiday clusterfuck,

Citizens gather together to run amok.

Bucks flying ev'rywhere; folks pulling out their hair;

People are waving while paying with great despair.

If we don't fill winter with dollar bills, then your depression peaks on top...

We'd rather have stress than to be real depressed, so we all shop until we drop.

Malls crowded ev'ryplace; nowhere a parking space;

Ev'ryone's screaming "Get your ass out of my face!"

Buying kids cheap costumes; lines in all the bathrooms;

Paying a fortune (Extortions now in full bloom!)

People are shoving while claiming they're loving that holiday joy they feeel,

And your kids feel that joy if you buy the right toy, so better keep your eyes peeled.

Holiday clusterfuck, holiday clusterfuck,

Citizens gather together to run amok.

Antiques and Christmas cups; Suicide rates go up;

Kids whining, "Buy me a robotic psycho-pup!"

Holidays jumble, three months is a bundle to handle with grace and ease,

We must make a living, so piss off, Thanksgiving, and jump straight to Christmas please.

Going, going and gone. Change decorations out on your front lawn.

Losing that magical touch, seeing your inlaws three times is too much.

Trick or treat, Merry Christmas; Going to church for your annual Mass;

Kwanzaa, Hannukah too; Best get it right; someone's liable to suuue.

Holiday clusterfuck, holiday cluster fuck,

Millions of billions find they're just shit out of luck.

Visiting Santa's crib; lying straight to your kid.

Pray they don't need therapy for your tiny fib.

This shit comes earlier seem almost ev'ry year, making us spend awaaay;

Christmas if we voted should not be promoted right after Saint Patrick's Day.

Christmas and Halloween; Thanksgiving's in between;

Putting on more weight than Shamu on Lean Cuisine.

Snow falling ev'rywhere; Traffic's a real nightmare;

Can't wait for summer; a bummer we're kinda scared.

Emotions flying; our patience is dying; What happened to all our cheeeer?

We whisk money away until Valentine's Day. Thank God it's just once a year.

Holiday TV specials, watching Santa Claus and Jesus wrestle;

Sending out Christmas cards too, wishing good cheer to folks you hardly kneeew...

It's the holidaaaaay!

The HolidaaaaaaaaY!

Holiday Clusterfuck, Holiday Clusterfuck

When did this time of year full of cheer start to suck?

Someone cut us a break! Help us for heaven's sake!

We're frowning while drowning. (Please god, no more fruitcake!)

It lasts a while so put on your smile. Don't let them know how you feeel.

We all have to fake it so shut up and take it, and chow on your Christmas meal.

It's the holidaaaaay,

The Holidaaaaaaay,

Clus-ter-fuuuuuuck!

[Victoria then pulls out a pistol and shoots herself in the head. The Critic then looks around and then runs away but then runs back to steal the money out of her wallet].

Tank Girl

• [The Critic's reaction to, Rebecca, the protagonist, being locked in a freezer]

Nostalgia Critic: Well, I never thought I'd use it in a way that would make sense, but-

Charlie Wilcox: [From Suburban Commando] I was frozen today!

• [The Critic reacts with utter revulsion to the movie's inexplicable musical number]

Nostalgia Critic: Alright. [beat] I hate this movie so much, and this scene in particular, that I'm willing to go so far as to show pictures of starving children that we could've saved with the money used on this picture. [A small montage of clips from the musical number is interspersed by pictures of variously impoverished and sad children] That really fucking makes you think.

Announcer: [In a take-off of the infamous Big Lipped Alligator Moment, complete with altered logo] BIG LIPPED STARVING CHILDREN MOMENT!

• Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, so it turns out the Rippers are giant kangaroos. Sounds like something Willy Wonka would create when he's completely drunk. And one of them, if you can believe it, is actually played by rapper Ice-T.

T-Saint: Let 'em go? They're spies! I'ma kill 'em myself!

Nostalgia Critic: In fact, how did getting him to sign on for this movie work, exactly? Did he really just think this was the role of a lifetime for him? [as an agent] Alright, Ice-T, I know you've got a lot of projects in the works, but just listen to this movie role. [as Ice-T] Yeah, OK. [as the agent] [long pause] You're a kangaroo- [as Ice-T] FUCK YEAH! [picture of Ice-T shows up with a subtitle saying "We got T!" with ta-da music.]

Jack Frost

• Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Christmas. I Christmas, so Christmas Christmas. [Pause] CHRISTMAS!! [The Critic snaps his fingers, and the backdrop magically changes to a snow-covered house while the Critic gets a cane and lip-syncs the first line of "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year"] I love Christmas! To me, there's only two times of the year: "Christmas," and "Fuck you! When the hell is Christmas?!"
• [As the Jack Frost Band is singing their rendition of "Frosty the Snowman" to a packed house]

Nostalgia Critic: They're really trying to pass this off as hardcore rock? What other kids songs do you think are given the "Jack Frost" treatment? [Cut to the Critic air-drumming and the famous guitar riff from "Bad to the Bone" playing] I'm a little tea pot short and stout! [Guitar riff] Here's my handle, here's my spout! [Guitar riff] When I get all steamed up, hear me shout! [Guitar riff] Pour me over, tip me out -- hail Satan! [Song continues while the Critic headbangs and makes the sign of the horns]

He-Man Christmas Special

• [After hearing that Orko may never be able to return to Eternia from Earth]

Man-At-Arms: No, Tila! My transport beam might do it. The problem is it needs a carium water crystal to power it and there are none here on Eternia.

Nostalgia Critic: Uh-huh. OK, let me just tell you what they're really saying: [Now imitating Man-At-Arms] "You see, my 'Insert Techno Babble Here' might solve it, but we need a 'Random Technical Plot Point Thingy' in order to make it work." [Imitating Adora] "I'll find one." [Imitating Man-At-Arms] "Good! Bring me a present when you get back." Been there, done that, next scene.

• [After Hordak shoots down the ship carrying Skeletor and the two children]

Skeletor: Get moving, you two! We have a long walk ahead of us.

Miguel: Please, mister! Be nice! I-It's Christmastime!

Skeletor: Christmastime?

Rob Walker [imitating Skeletor]: Christmastime? I'm Jewish! I get eight candles, a dreidel and a new pair of slacks every year! I'll be as fucking grouchy as I please, you little Hitler youths! Now move it!

Skeletor: Now get moving, you two, before Hordak comes back!

Miguel: We're so cold!

Skeletor: Oh, blast it! [Uses his magic staff to create a pair of warm coats for the children to wear]

Nostalgia Critic: Now that makes you ponder, doesn't it? Why would Skeletor add a coat-creating device on his evil magic wand? [Now imitating Skeletor] "My wand can do anything! It can kill people, destroy cities and make fashionable fur coats!" [Imitating a random henchman] "But why?" [Imitating Skeletor] "'Why? Why?!' What if it gets cold? People need to keep their body heat at a neutral level! It also makes the little umbrellas that you put at the top of drinks!" [Imitating the henchman] "Why does it do that?" [Imitating Skeletor] "Have you ever had a piña colada without one of those little umbrellas on top? It's depressing! Nobody should be subjected to that kind of evil!" [Imitating the henchman] "Oh..." [Imitating Skeletor] "I AM SKELETOR!"

Christmas List Top 11

• Nostalgia Critic: [Finishing up the Top 11 countdown] And that's my top ele- [A sound that sounds like Yoda's laughter is heard off camera] Okay, what are you laughing at? What's so funny? What, is it the Star Wars Christmas Special thing? Is that it? It's not that funny, okay? It doesn't exist anyway! You hear me? It doesn't exi- [He is interrupted by the doorbell ringin]) Excuse me one moment. [Walks off camera] Hello? A package for me? Well, okay. Thanks. [Sound of a Wookie roaring is heard. The Critic walks back on camera and sits.] What a weird looking mailman. Well, apparently, I got a package in the mail. Lets see what it is. [Opens it to find a DVD case marked "The Star Wars Christmas Special!". He drops it and yelps in shock. The Darth Vader Theme plays as he looks again and picks it up.] No, that's not true. That's impossible!

Darth Vader: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

Nostalgia Critic: NOOOO!!!

Emperor Palpatine: You have paid the price for your lack of vision.

Nostalgia Critic: Please! Anything but this! I can't do it, I CAN'T do it! [Clips of various Star Wars characters begin laughing] NOOOOOO!!

Darth Vader: [As the end screen comes up] We would be honored if you would join us.

Star Wars Holiday Special

• Nostalgia Critic: The rumors were true, people. In 1978, an actual Christmas special was released under the "Star Wars" name. And it's not like they just got some of the supporting actors to be in it, no, they got the whole friggin' cast: Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, James Earl Jones, the works. And not only that, it has guest stars like Art Carney, Harvey Korman and Bea Arthur, because like most people when you think "Star Wars", you fucking think "Bea Arthur". This special has never re-aired, and to this day George Lucas has apparently gone out of his way to make sure that nobody sees it. So just to recap, this is the guy who said [shows picture of Jar-Jar Binks] this is OK and [shows poster of Howard the Duck] this is OK, which means this is the project that he was personally ashamed of. [beat] I'm gonna go over that again: [shows picture of Jar-Jar Binks] OK, [shows poster of Howard the Duck] OK, [shows picture of The Star Wars Holiday Special] personally ashamed of. [long beat] There are not enough toilets in the world to contain the amount of shit-spewing fear that I am going through right now.
• [After Santa Christ wipes the memory of the Holiday Special from the Critic's mind, a song is sung to the tune of "The First Noel"]

Santa Christ, Santa Christ, we all love Santa Christ

He is Santa and Jesus, goddamn it's Santa Christ

He atoned for all our sins, but he also likes pancakes

He saved puppies from a fire, and he also likes pancakes

He played bass for Aerosmith, reads to sick orphans too

He goes surfing in space and makes really good fondue

He shoots lasers from his eyes, mend your curtains for free

He'll fight monsters for fun and hang out with Mr. T

Santa Christ, Santa Christ, Santa Christ, Santa Christ

You are the best and we love you, Santa Christ

Ernest Saves Christmas

• [As Ernest and Santa make conversation in his taxi, he opens his glove box to reveal a bumper sticker inside]

Nostalgia Critic: Wait a minute, what did that bumper sticker say? [The video pauses, showing that it says "Keep Christ in Christmas"] So Ernest wants to keep the "Christ" in "Christmas" even though he's in a movie about Santa Claus? Yeah, hold on a second. [Whips out his cell phone, dials a number and waits a few seconds before a voice speaks up on the other end]

The Movie: This is the movie.

Nostalgia Critic: HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO?!

Commando

• Nostalgia Critic: Good old Arnold, you're no stranger to my reviews, are you? How can anyone not like this guy? He's a commercial puppet, yet a personal icon. He beats the crap out of people, but has a heart of gold. He's a horrible actor, but by God he's trying. We all love you, Arnold, no matter how good or how bad your movies are. So I tried to figure out which movie did its best to both glorify and exploit everything Arnold has to offer... [Long pause] ..."Commando"! [The movie's title appears, and a crowd of people can be heard booing his choice] Alright, alright, hold on, hold on, now let me make one thing perfectly clear: I love this movie. To me, this is like the quintessential Arnold Schwarzenegger movie ever made. [Beat] But it's stupid as hell! Everything that is wonderful about Arnold and terrible about Arnold is in this movie. Every over-the-top 80's action cliché makes its way into this flick, it's unbelievable! We got one-liners, we got explosions, we got the bad guys in suits, we got kidnapped children, and of course, WE GOT AHNOLD! It's so over-the-top that it's almost like a satire of Schwarzenegger films, it's just fantastic! So put on your black striped make-up that doesn't seem to camouflage anything -- this is "Commando".
• [As Matrix's raft reaches a beach, he gears up for the final confrontation and the Critic sings a song along with the music]

Arnooold!

He's got a Speedo and a ton of pecks!

Arnooold!

He told those fuckers that he would be back!

Arnooold!

Gotta get around and load it up!

Arnooold!

Think it's time to go and blow shit up!

Arnooold!

He's puttin' things into things!

Arnooold!

And a bunch of other stuff!

Arnooold! Arnooold! ARNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLD!

Junior

• Nostalgia Critic: I've decided that I want to show you how a Schwarzenegger movie is made!

[Rolls his chair back and plays out a hypothetical discussion involving someone pitching a movie idea to a studio executive]

Writer: Hey studio executives! I have an idea for a movie!

Executive: A movie or a poster?

Writer: Well a poster, of course!

Executive: Go on...

Writer: I see Arnold Schwarzenegger with... children!

Executive: We've seen that.

Writer: A baby!

Executive: That's old.

Writer: He's pregnant!

Executive: Go on...

Writer: And on the poster he's got like this huge belly and everything, then he's just like "Whaa!? I'm pregnant! THAT doesn't happen!"

Executive: That is true, that, that doesn't happen...

Writer: And on the poster we'll have that short guy from "Twins" and everyone will be like "Hey look! It's that guy from 'Twins'! And Arnold was in 'Twins'! This must be 'Twins'!"

Executive: But it's not "Twins".

Writer: It's not "Twins"!

Executive: Unless Arnold gives birth to twins...

Writer: I didn't even think of that!

Executive: You got some British chick in it?

Writer: Well, yeah, we've gotta class it up somehow -- a British woman usually works.

Executive: Just put in Helena Bonham Carter like we always do.

Writer: Sheeee's not around yet.

Executive: Well who is?

Writer: Emma Thompson?

Executive: Green light it.

Nostalgia Critic: [now finally turning back to the camera] "Junior"!

'"Nostalgia Critic'": So just when you thought an 8-foot Austrian pregnant man in a dress couldn't possibly not be funny, what do they do? "[pop song plays]" They play a pop song. Yes, folks, this is supposed to be taken seriously. I'm...I'm just disturbed now. I am disturbed for everyone involved in this movie. I mean, I have no idea what they're trying to get across. Why is this being taken so seriously? And, if you're gonna treat it seriously, why Arnold? In a dress? Talking like a wo--THIS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY!!! You know what, fuck it! Just fuck it! I'm gonna go back to sleep! "[The Critic goes back to sleep, sees CGI Arnold baby]"

'"Aronold CGI Baby"': MAMAAAAAAA!!!

"'Nostalgia Critic"': "[stammers in fear]" No I'm not!

Conan Part 1 (Conan the Barbarian)

• [While the Critic parodies Mako's narration of the two "Conan" films, the camera pans down to reveal a poster for the film with Arnold Schwarzenegger's head replaced by Conan O'Brien's]

Nostalgia Critic: Before the time when Conan was known as a great warrior who battled the executive douchebags by leaving the Tonight Show so its glorious legacy could be preserved -- P.S. you got balls -- there was another Conan played by then-relative newcomer Arnold Schwarzenegger! I am the Nostalgia Critic, doing a parody of the great and powerful Mako... [cue the "I cherish Mako" running joke] ...who stars alongside Arnold in these films. It is a time of high adventure, swords and sorcery, and great epic silliness! This is the Conan movies! [the title screens for the two films are then shown] Large in scale, small on intelligence, the Conan movies were based off of the great stories written by Robert E. Howard. [beat] But from what I understand they have almost nothing to do with these movies, so we will instead look at the films themselves! They are films before one-liners, before great explosions, and before dental work could fix that great big gap in between your teeth! [camera switches to Arnold revealing his teeth with said gap] Prepare yourselves for phenomenal goofiness!

Conan Part 2 (Conan the Destroyer)

• Nostalgia Critic: But the fearsome five break into the castle where they come across the captain, who plans to stop them from thwarting Jehnna's sacrifice.

[At the ceremony, the Grand Vizier picks up a dagger and tilts Jehnna's head back to expose her neck]

"Jehnna": [voiced by the Nostalgia Critic] So what's my birthday gift?

[Conan is briefly shown fighting the captain]

"Jehnna": Is it a pony?

[Another brief cut to the fight scene]

"Jehnna": Is it a dagger and a pony?

[Conan ducks and hurls the captain's body over his own]

"Jehnna": [while the dagger is still being raised] Is it you stabbing me in the throat so you can resurrect a god in order to control him and hopefully rule the world? [beat] And a pony?

Conan: [to the others] Save the girl!

"The others": [voiced by the Nostalgia Critic] Oh yeah! I guess we have been standing here the whole time! I was confused 'cause I thought there was an easily breakable piece of glass in front of us -- see, that's the only thing that can hold us back.

End of Days

• Nostalgia Critic: So he chases him into a train tunnel where he starts shouting some crazy nonsense.

Thomas Aquinas: The dark angel is loosed from his prison!

Jericho Cane: [pointing his gun at Thomas] Get down on the ground!

Thomas Aquinas: The thousand years has ended! You don't know what you've done! [Jericho shoots him twice in the leg and he falls to the tracks] Ahh!

[While on the ground, Jericho finds the man was wearing a clerical collar underneath his jacket]

Nostalgia Critic: Whoa, the bum was a priest? Talk about the faith going to your head! I mean, how many bum priests are there?

Chester A. Bum: OH MY GOD!! [Performs the Sign of the Cross while reciting a quick prayer in Latin] The Lord works in mysterious ways and shall always grant you CHANGE!! [Holds out his signature styrofoam cup] Ya got change!? Aw come on!

Battlefield Earth

• [Past review of Captain Planet, featuring the Nostalgia Critic and Ma-Ti]

Ma-Ti: Well, I'll tell you how I feel about the whole situation. I'm fucking pissed off! [Stops] Wait a minute. What's he doing? He's not doing anything! He's just looking at this stupid clip show! [Cut to the present day Critic, who is rolling up a joint]

Present-day Nostalgia Critic: [Looks up] Eh?

Ma-Ti: What the hell? We watch one hundred episodes of your shit and you just throw this clip show at us? I mean, that sucks ass!

Past Nostalgia Critic: Yeah! The Nostalgia Critic of the past wouldn't do something like that.

Present-day Nostalgia Critic: But it's my hundredth episode!

Past Nostalgia Critic: [Mockingly] "But it's my hundredth episode!" [Normal voice] God, what a cop-out!

Ma-Ti: What happened to you, man? You used to have strong, plentiful balls.

Present-day Nostalgia Critic: No, no, I do. My balls are still strong and extremely plentiful.

Past Nostalgia Critic: Prove it! Do something special for your hundredth episode. Something that everyone has requested but you never had the plentiful balls to do.

Present-day Nostalgia Critic: Well, what else is there? I mean, I've done "Batman and Robin", I've done "Garbage Pail Kids". Those are some of the worst movies out there.

Ma-Ti: No, Critic. There is one movie you have overlooked. A sci-fi film that's so terrible it makes my nipples tingle with fear!

Present-day Nostalgia Critic: [Gasps] You don't mean...?

Ma-Ti: No, not that one.

[Present-day Nostalgia Critic thinks, then gasps]

Ma-Ti: No, not that one either.

Present-day Nostalgia Critic: [Thinks again] You mean...?

Ma-Ti: YEEES! "BATTLEFIELD EEAARTH"! [The movie's title screen appears]

Present-day Nostalgia Critic: NOOOOOOOOOO!

• [After learning that the radioactive atmosphere of the Psychlo homeworld will cause any explosion to be magnified in power until it destroys the planet]

Nostalgia Critic: [Starts by holding his head in his hands and groaning] So, this military force of a planet that has an atmosphere made out of radiation... has never had an explosion? [Beat] This race is more gun-happy than Charlton Heston's shooting gallery, and yet there's NEVER BEEN AN EXPLOSION ON THIS PLANET?! THEY COULD LOOK AT A KITTEN AND SOMEHOW THEY'D MAKE IT BLOW UP! THESE GUYS ARE CRAZY! THERE'S NEVER BEEN AN EXPLOS— YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT?! THIS IS STUPID! THIS IS STUPID!! STUPID, STUPID, [The camera speeds up] STUPID, STUPID, [x14]. STUPIIID!! STUPID!! IT'S SO INCREDIBLY STUPID!! THIS IS THE WORST PIECE OF SHIT I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!! GOD, WHORES, ASS, WHOLE PACK OF SHIT!! STUPID SHIT! THIS IS STUPID SHIT!!! ASS, FUCKFACE, DICKHEAD, ASSHOLE, YOU IN THE ASS FUCKED HARD!! STUPID!! IT'S SO UNBELIEVABLY STUPID!! SHIT, SHIT, SHIT [x12]. ASS!! ASS, WHORE, ASS, SHIT, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!! [With the camera still sped up, the critic sobs, then returns to normal speed] OK. The thought occurs to me that perhaps, I'm just not in the right mindset for this movie. [Picks up a hammer] So, to fix this problem, I'm going to make the proper alterations. [Cut to a picture of the Critic in a straitjacket on a pink background, surrounded by Tweety Bird which reads "Please excuse this slight mental breakdown..." over sounds of the Critic yelling in pain over repeated hammer strikes, then back to the Critic with his glasses askew and a blank expression on his face, lisping] Duhhuhhuh... I like spaceships...

• ["Directed by Roger Christian" signifies the beginning of the credits]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, fuck you Roger Christian, whoever the fuck you are! This is an absolute ass of shit! This is bad! I mean, really, really... bad! The acting's over the top, the camerawork's a joke, the story is beyond idiotic, it's just bad! Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad! And like I said, how are we supposed to believe even for a millisecond that these dumbasses of a race are supposed to take us over? [The screen flickers and the film's villain, Terl, appears on-screen]

Terl: Just you wait, Critic, for soon we will conquer your primitive species, just like we have for centuries— [There is the sound of an explosion and the screen shakes] Uh-oh!

Nostalgia Critic: What's wrong?

Terl: Oh, it looks like someone lit a cigarette on our home planet, and now the whole damn thing's going to explode.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, gee, I'm sorry, it's...

Terl: Yeah.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, is there anything I can do?

Terl: No, no, it's cool. Just let me work on my dying words. [Dramatically] Ohhh— [There is an explosion. Terl's image disappears, and is replaced by some color bars]

Nostalgia Critic: You know, I'm not gonna miss him.

Bébé's Kids (movie)

• Nostalgia Critic: Meanwhile, the kids are held hostage by the Terminator while a robotic Abraham Lincoln tries to save them but this mechanical bear pops up and okaaay! I went too far obviously — let's go back and see what we missed. OK, they snuck in a building... there's the Terminator... there's Lincoln... there's the mechanical bear... ooohhh! And a robotic Nixon! OK, this all suddenly makes sense! So... the animatronics are holding a trial to see if the kids are worth electrocuting to death as Abe Lincoln and Richard Nixon defend their sides... [The Critic stares into the camera, clearly confused, then pulls out a white box labeled "ACID" and tries to pour out its contents, only to find it's empty, to which he shrugs and shakes his head] Nope, the movie's just weird.
• Nostalgia Critic: So Robin — being as wonderful as he is with kids and all — tries to ditch the brats behind and leave without them. But the kids make it back before he can leave, meaning they're leaving this good ol' Disneyworld knock-off behind them. [As Robin, Jamika and the kids drive home, Fun World starts collapsing behind them]

Mickey Mouse: DAMN YOU, BÉBÉ'S KIDS! THE MOUSE WILL HAVE VENGEANCE ON YOU! I WILL SEE YOU PERISH IN FLAMES! I HAVE CONNECTIONS TO THE LORD OF DARKNESS! YOUR ASS IS GRASS! THEY WON'T RECOGNIZE YOUR BODIES! I WILL STEAL YOUR SOULS, BÉBÉ'S KIIIIIDS! [voice slowly trails off]

Lost in Space

• Mrs. Robinson: What's happened, John? Where are we?

Nostalgia Critic: [as Mr. Robinson] OK, let's recap: we locked Dracula in the brig, Joey from "Friends" is piloting, we have a chipmunk for a daughter, our other daughter is Rollergirl and we haven't even encountered the space monkey yet. Boy, we're in a tight spot!

• Will Robinson: [Speaking to the future version of the ship's robot] Do you remember what I taught you? About friendship?

Future Robot: Logic error. Friendship does not compute.

Will: Just forget logic! Act with your heart!

Nostalgia Critic: [Palms covering his face] Oh my God, he didn't just say that.

Future Robot: Robot has no heart. Robot is powered by a fusion pulse generator.

Will: Every living thing has a heart.

Tin Man: [From "The Wizard of Oz"] Now I know I've got a heart, 'cause it's breaking.

Will: If you don't let us go, we're all going to die. So I'm asking you now: will you be my friend?

Nostalgia Critic: [as the robot] This scene is too clichéd! This scene is too clichéd!

Future Robot: Robot attempting to deactivate control bolt.

Will: Come on, Robot!

Future Robot: Commands overridden!

Will: You can do it!

Nostalgia Critic: This robot has the logic of a Hallmark card!

Future Robot: Destroy! Destroy! Destroy Robinson family! [It succeeds in removing the bolt] Robot will save the Robinsons. Robot will save his friend.

Nostalgia Critic: [as the robot] Robot will participate in Care Bear-inspired shit.

• Nostalgia Critic: In fact, if I had a time machine to go back in time and not watch this movie, you bet your ass I would take --

[A time portal opens to the Critic's left, revealing the Spider Dr. Smith from the movie]

Spider Smith: Did somebody say time machine?!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh hey, forget it, Dr. Smith! Shit Family Robinson might fall for your tricks, but not me!

Spider Smith: I don't know what you're talking about! I'm a sweet, caring person who only wants to do good for mankind! [cackles maniacally]

Nostalgia Critic: How could anyone be stupid enough to trust you? I mean, you're a friggin' spider! [beat] A spider!!

Spider Smith: Well that seems hardly fair...

Nostalgia Critic: Even before that, your acting was so over-the-top all that was missing was a top hat and a mustache to twirl!

Spider Smith: It's true that what you see is pretty much what you get, but I can be a very persuasive person!

Nostalgia Critic: How?

Spider Smith: For example, [now quoting a line from the movie] there are many dangerous monsters in this world and I'm one of them!

Nostalgia Critic: You are?

Spider Smith: Yes. Now give me your gun.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh certainly! Here you go. [hands him his pistol just like Will Robinson did in the movie]

Spider Smith: Thank you! [loads a round, then shoots the Critic, dropping him to his desk] I'm Dr. Smith! I remember it because I'm evil! [maniacal laughter] You're doomed! DOOMED! [more laughter] Oh, my!

Top 11 Villain Songs

• Nostalgia Critic: "Anastasia" is often referred to as a cheap Disney knock-off, but we know that isn't true -- no, it was an expensive Disney knock-off, and a lot of that is shown in this song. It's upbeat, but it's also very threatening, and on top of that the theme is so catchy it's almost impossible to get out of your head.

Bug Chorus: In the dark of the night, terror will strike her

Rasputin: Terror's the LEAST I can do!

Bug Chorus: In the dark of the night, evil will brew (Oooohh!)

Nostalgia Critic: Now here's the funny thing about this song -- at least, from my point of view -- when I first heard it, I heard it on the soundtrack without any visuals, and naturally I thought it was awesome. When you hear it alone, though, what visions come to your head?

Bug Chorus: In the dark of the night, evil will find her

Nostalgia Critic: See, I think of something out of a Meat Loaf cover, like monsters singing, skeletons on guitar, something really really cool like that. But then when I finally saw the movie, what did I get?

Rasputin: Soon she will feel that her nightmares are real

Nostalgia Critic: Prancing pink bugs. [long pause, then the Critic releases his anger in one word] FAIL!

• Nostalgia Critic: He keeps this weird British monotone throughout the entire song. Dude, you're on a mountain of evil! How about a little "oomph" in your voice!? [imitating Scar during "Be Prepared" in a weird British monotone] Be king undisputed, respected, saluted... how am I gonna get down from here?

Quest for Camelot

• [Comparing Ruber with Doctor Smith from "Lost in Space", both played by Gary Oldman]

Nostalgia Critic: Come on, Gary Oldman, you're a great actor. Why were you choosing these obvious villain roles at the time? I mean, there's just nothing subtle about— [A time portal opens to the Critic's left, revealing the Spider Dr. Smith from "Lost in Space"]

Spider Smith: Did somebody question my subtle acting?

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, come on, Doctor Smith, you're about as subtle as a fucking train wreck... on a boat.

Spider Smith: Oh, come now. There are several differences between me and that Ruber fellow. For example, I want to seize power and control through a legion of spiders!

Nostalgia Critic: But, that Ruber guy wants to seize power and control too.

Spider Smith: But not with spiders!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, for God's sake, you know what you need to do, Doctor Smith?

Spider Smith: Does it involve spiders?

Nostalgia Critic: No! You need to be diabolical! Actually fool people into thinking you're a kind, gentle, caring person. You think you can do that?

Spider Smith: [Long pause as he looks himself over] ...think the boat's sort of sailed on that one.

Nostalgia Critic: Alright, well, don't bother me anymore. I got a review to do.

Spider Smith: Wait! There's one more important thing! It's imperative that you must know!

Nostalgia Critic: What? What?

Spider Smith: Spiders! [The Critic pulls out his gun and shoots at Spider Smith, frightening him] You're doomed! Doomed! [The Critic shoots again, scaring off Smith for good]

• [An ogre sits on Ruber and his gryphon]

Ruber: The ogre's butt!

Nostalgia Critic: [beat] Did he just say "the ogre's butt"? [The line and scene are repeated] OK, that's not a sentence, that's a noun. That's not even a good noun! In fact, this is where Gary Oldman should've known this movie was going to suck: when he had to just say the line "The ogre's butt!"

[Cut to a "recording" of Gary Oldman conversing with the movie's script writers in a recording studio somewhere]

Gary Oldman: Gentlemen, I-I-I want to talk to you about this line...

Writer: Which is that?

Oldman: "The ogre's butt!"

Writer: What about it?

Oldman: Is... is that it? Simply "The ogre's butt"?

Writer: Yeah, it's an ogre's butt. What's wrong with an ogre's butt?

Oldman: Oh nothing, I have nothing against the ogre's butt, I'm sure the ogre's butt is lovely. However, there doesn't seem to be any reason for the ogre's butt! How about perhaps a, uh, verb or predicate clause like "Look out for the ogre's butt!" or "Oh no! We are under the ogre's butt!" or, if you'll permit me, "Woe is me and all others who are trapped under ogre's butt...s-s-s-s!"

Writer: "Ogre's butt" isn't plural.

Oldman: Duly noted, but at least that one came with a conjunction. Grammatically speaking, I think that makes the ogre's butt much more palatable.

Writer: Look, just stick to the script.

Oldman: But I ask you: how does it make any sense? I'm a Shakespearean-trained actor—

Writer: Hey, weren't you that spider in "Lost in Space"?

Oldman: [Long pause] ..."Ogre's butt" it is.

Writer: Get to work, puppet. [Oldman sighs]

• Nostalgia Critic: NO! NO! That does not happen, movie! That just DOES. NOT. HAPPEN! Unless you, oh, I don't know, EXPLAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIN!!!!!!

Old vs. New - The Nutty Professor

• Nostalgia Critic: [speaking about the Jerry Lewis version] Also, I never quite got the ending to this movie. He makes a big, really well put together speech about being yourself just as he's being exposed to everybody. Yet later, it looks like the girlfriend sneaks a couple of bottles of the formula for herself. Is she gonna sell 'em? Is she gonna use them on Lewis again? Either way, doesn't that sort of go against the moral and the characters of the story for that matter? They just never ever make this clear. Explain, movie! EXPLAIN! [a tiny explosion is ignited on the Critic's head in a callback to his review of Quest for Camelot] Oh good, that was just a little one.
• Nostalgia Critic: [After showing the scene in the remake in which Buddy Love takes revenge on the bully played by Dave Chapelle] Now, be honest. Don't some of you wish you could do this to Dave Chapelle. [Cut to the Critic pretending to bang Dave Chapelle's head on the table after each sentence] How dare you leave the Chapelle Show? That show was in it's prime! How dare you only give us a few seasons you damn comedic genus?! [Continues to bang his "head" on the table while pretending to cry]

Bio-Dome

• Nostalgia Critic: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it— [suddenly goes into a fit of rage] I fuckin' hate "Bio-Dome"! I fuckin' hate "Bio-Dome"! I fuckin' hate "Bio-Dome"! I fuckin' HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! [Screams like a crazy man until he gets splashed with a bucket of water, calming him down] Thank you. Anyway, I fucking hate "Bio-Dome". [The movie's title screen is shown] I mean, I don't think I've seen a more annoying and obnoxious piece of cancerous ass. It's so grating and ear-rapingly bad that I'm surprised the movie itself hasn't been arrested for indecent exposure. It may not be the worst movie, but trust me, it's in the top five. This is the movie, [Shows the "Bio-Dome" DVD] these are my wrists after watching the movie, [Shows his two wrists covered in bandages after being (presumably) slit] and these are the notes I took during watching the movie. [Shows a piece of paper with the word "Why?" typed over and over to the camera, then slams it down] I've never been so happy to get something over with, so let's just go ahead and get this over with!
• Nostalgia Critic: [On Bud and Doyle] They live in that wonderful time of the 90s where stupid guys didn't really have to have jobs, and yet somehow they live in relatively nice places. Oh, and they also somehow date really hot chicks as well. Come on, are we really supposed to believe the 90s were like that? [Cut to another room with "Smells Like Teen Spirit" playing in the background]

90s Kid: DUUUUUUUUDE! The 90s are like that, man! People like us don't need jobs because we're delightfully quirky! Houses and babes just drop into our laps!

Nostalgia Critic: But 90s Kid, there's gotta be some reason why lazy morons keep getting good stuff back then.

90s Kid: Nope, that's just how we roll. [Shows a t-shirt with the letters "wysiwyg" on it] "What You See is What You—" [Hears a knock at his door]

Nostalgia Critic: What was that?

90s Kid: Oh, it's probably just my landlord with another eviction notice. [A smashing sound is heard off screen] ...a-and a battering ram... [A gun is cocked off screen] ...and a...sawed off shotgun. GOTTA GO! [Gunshot]

• Nostalgia Critic: So what do they do now that they're finally released out of their environmental prison? Throw a party, of course, as they invite everyone they know back to the Bio-Dome so they can have a rockin' good time. The girlfriends hear about it at some sort of Earth Day event where they [The camera shows Tenacious D performing on-screen for the first time ever] TENACIOUS D?!

Jack Black: [Singing] Don't say we didn't save some freakin' TREES!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God, real comedy! Real comedy at last! Oh! Save me, Tenacious D! Help me to laugh again!

Festival-Goer: Party at Bio-Dome? All right, let's go!

Nostalgia Critic: NNNNNOO! NNNNNNOO! GO BACK TO TENACIOUS D, YOU ASS-MONGRELS! DON'T YOU KNOW REAL COMEDY WHEN YOU SEE IT?! [The scene switches to Bud and Doyle leading a procession of party-goers atop two portable thrones] D'OOOOHHH! HOW DARE YOU CUT BACK TO THOSE COCK-EATERS! YOU PASSED OVER THE ONLY TALENTED PEOPLE IN THE MOVIE, YOU MORONS!! It's like looking at a line-up of the world's greatest martial artists and being like, "Jackie Chan? I don't think so. Bruce Lee? Maybe next time. Steven Seagal, get in there!" [Long pause, then out of nowhere...] ASS!

• Nostalgia Critic: [after watching Bio-Dome] Fuck this movie! [slow motion] FUCK THIS MOVIE FOREVER! [normal speed] I'm the Nostalgia Critic. [looks at the DVD for a short second, then chews on it, grabs a gun and shoots it, spits on it, then slams the gun down] I remember it so YOU don't have to! [walks off camera, shudders angrily]

NeverEnding Story 2, The

• [While discussing the new actor playing Bastian in the film]

Nostalgia Critic: On top of that, it's just not that great a performance. I mean, it's better than the first film but I'm—

[The Critic is interrupted by a cough off-screen, and he turns to his left to see an animated elephant standing there]

Nostalgia Critic: ...Yes?

The Elephant in the Room: Don't act like you don't see me.

Nostalgia Critic: What? What're you talkin' about?

The Elephant in the Room: You've been ignoring me since the beginning. Don't act like you don't know why I'm here.

Nostalgia Critic: No, I don't. I mean, what, is it the Jonathan Brandis kid? I mean, what about him?

The Elephant in the Room: [beat] You know he committed suicide.

[The Critic and the Elephant bicker back and forth for a bit]

Nostalgia Critic: Alright, fine, I'll address this. In 2003, Jonathan Brandis committed suicide. Any death is tragic, and this one is no exception. And you know what? His acting wasn't half bad. I remember him on seaQuest and Ladybugs and stuff. Even though the film choices weren't always great, he usually did OK. He's a relatively decent actor. I just don't think he did especially well in this movie, and it's not his fault. I mean, it's a horribly written character -- he's a dumbass, as you'll see in a few moments. So just to make it clear, I have nothing against Jonathan Brandis as a person. [turns back to the Elephant] There, is that good?

The Elephant in the Room: [beat] Gee, that was awkward.

Nostalgia Critic: You know, fuck you, you goddamn elephant! [The Burger King makes his customary appearance at the sound of that word] Oh, no no no! Not that, not -- [muttering] Forget it...

Top 11 Most Awkward Christopher Walken Moments

• Nostalgia Critic: And those are my Top 11 Most Awkward Christopher Walken mo— [the Critic's cell phone rings again and he answers it] Hello?

"Christopher Walken": Critic, shame on you. How dare you accuse me of always reading my... hold on... [papers rustling on his end of the call] ...LINES!

Nostalgia Critic: Look Mr. Walken, I don't care. To me, you'll always be the master of cool, you can do no wrong.

"Christopher Walken": Glorious. Now before I go, there's one last thing I want you to remember.

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, what is it?

"Christopher Walken": [whispering] Are you listening?

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah.

"Christopher Walken": Are you listening?

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah.

"Christopher Walken": Are you listening? Alright, listen... [hangs up]

Nostalgia Critic: [closes his phone and looks into the camera] ...God he's awesome.

Flubber

Nostalgia Critic: But he's approached by that one guy whose name you can't remember but always recognize, because he's the asshole in every movie that he's in.

Wilson Croft: What happened between us, Phil?

Professor Brainard: Well I just got tired of you stealing my ideas, Wilson.

Wilson: I won't deny that I hate you for your brilliance. I'm petty, corrupt, and to that end, I have profited from your ideas.

Brainard: Why are you here?

Wilson: Well to be honest, I'm here this weekend to steal your fiancée and make her my wife.

Nostalgia Critic: WOW. That is the most blunt villain ever. I should really hate what an obvious cardboard cut-out he is, but to be honest, it's kind of refreshing. I just love the lack of creativity with him. It's like he just came out and said "I'm the antagonist. I tied your girlfriend to the railroad tracks, put a bomb on a bridge and ate puppies for dinner. No reason -- I'm just evil." [beat, then sits back and laughs maniacally]

• Narrator: BIG LIPPED... Oh, God, I'm bored.

Home Alone 3

• Nostalgia Critic: Let me tell you a story about a brilliant writer and director named John Hughes. He recently passed away, but what he left behind will last forever. He directed such classics like "The Breakfast Club", "Planes, Trains and Automobiles", "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" and so forth. He also was a talented writer, writing screenplays for the "National Lampoon Vacation" movies, "Home Alone", "Pretty in Pink" and many more. Yes, John Hughes certainly seemed like the voice of a generation... then "Home Alone 2" came around. He wrote it, and it sucked. Then "Baby's Day Out" came around. He wrote it, and it sucked. Then "101 Dalmatians", "Flubber", "Just Visiting", "Dennis the Menace", that shitty-ass "Miracle on 34th Street" remake -- ALL WRITTEN BY HIM! What happened? He was like the voice, and then he got lost to this slapstick-inspired shit... or "slapshit" as I like to call it. But none of them are as bad as the crowning achievement of horror that is simply known as "Home Alone 3". [The movie's title screen is shown] This is a film where even if you saw the previews you felt dirty. How could such a great writer stoop to such an insulting, demeaning and absolutely un-entertaining low? Well, [sigh] let's see if we can figure it out.

Ask That Guy VIOLATES Ma-Ti

• [The Critic appears onscreen in black-and-white with piano accompaniment as in a silent film, and he addresses the camera via a series of text screens in between segments of him silently mouthing said text]

Nostalgia Critic: Well, it happened again, for the third time in under two years I lost my voice. [The Critic is then clearly agitated, shouting a bunch of words angrily at the camera] Darn. [The Critic speaks again] So there's good news and there's bad news... [The Critic speaks] The bad news is all the NCs will have to be pushed back about a week. [The Critic speaks] The good news is this will give me more time to work on the two year anniversary... [The Critic speaks] Which is going to be shown the week of May 17th. [The Critic speaks] And it is going to be AWESOME! [The Critic speaks] Still, I feel bad not having anything for you guys this week... [The Critic speaks] Here's "Ask That Guy" raping Ma Ti.

Old vs. New - King Kong

• Nostalgia Critic: Plus, there's just some all-around strange scenes in the new one. Like how about when the director tells the writer exactly where they're going? This is one of the oddest things ever. It's totally over the top for no reason.

Carl Denham: It has a local name, Jack, but I'm warning you it doesn't sound good. [Whispers] They call it... [Inaudible]

Jack Driscoll: [Typing and saying the letters out loud in slow motion] S...K...U... [Cut to the Critic, disoriented and confused by the scene] L...L... [Denham sees another member of the crew inadvertently overhearing the conversation, then the Critic is seen again] ...Island. [Types out the word]

Nostalgia Critic: [Gasps] Skull?! SKULL?! You mean, like that thing in my head?! My God! Skull...

Chekov: [from "Wrath of Khan"] Oh no!

Nostalgia Critic: Skull!

Mexican Bystander: [from "Blazing Saddles"] Santa María!

Nostalgia Critic: SKULL!

Luke Skywalker: [from "The Empire Strikes Back"] NOOOOOO!!

Nostalgia Critic: No! This can't be a secret any longer! The people must know! [Gets up out of his chair and runs out of his house] Skull! Skull! SKUUUUULL! [A scene of a crowd of people frantically panicking in "The Naked Gun 2½" is played, then the Critic is shown running down his street] SKUUUUUUUULL! [Back to the crowd]

Man in Crowd: [While holding a book that says "To Serve Man"] It's a cookbook! IT'S A COOKBOOK!

Drop Dead Fred

• [Elizabeth sees what looks like her husband pass by on a boat, and Fred appears]

Nostalgia Critic: So he comes aboard dressed as the bastard child of Cap'n Crunch and Lucky Charms as they try to chase after Charles' boat.

Drop Dead Fred: Aye-aye captain! [Somersaulting] Drown the fishes! [Breaks numerous things on board the house boat, then stands at its prow] Captain Fred's in chaaaarge!

Nostalgia Critic: [Beat] Yyyyeah, where are we on the Annoying Meter anyway? [An accompanying scale graphic appears on screen, featuring Michael Moore, Short Round and the dog from Duck Hunt, along with the following] Mhmm, we've passed Edward from "Twilight", uh, the racist robots from "Transformers 2", which means we're right between [Dinging sound] Chris Tucker and Jar Jar Binks! That's quite an accomplishment, movie! That's quite an accomplishment! [Beat] Shoot yourself!

Care Bears Movie, The

• Nostalgia Critic: [Skipping his usual opening line] I gotta tell you, my work's not always easy. I mean, granted, this is the greatest job in the world, but whenever somebody asks you "What did you do at your job today?" and you have to answer "I watched 'Care Bears: The Movie'", I die a little inside. [Beat] Yeah, I die a little. How can anyone say that with any shred of dignity? How can anyone speak that with any pride? [Beat] You can't. Roll it. [The movie's title screen appears] Yes, the Care Bears were pretty big in their day. Disgustingly cute, disgustingly nice and disgustingly marketable, how could any child not get wrapped up in their disgusting-ness? So when this movie came out, children roared with applause and parents cringed in fear knowing that they would have to sit through this technicolor vomit. Is it as bad as it looks? Well there's only one way to find out: let's take a look at... [Sighs deeply] ..."Care Bears: The Movie."
• Nostalgia Critic: [As one of the orphanage kids] Mr. Cherrywood, there seems to be a lot of holes in your story. Why would they never follow a river in the sky? Th-they just never questioned why it was there? And for that matter, if they've never followed it before, why would they have a giant sailboat on standby?

Nostalgia Critic: [As Mr. Cherrywood] Quiet, or I will smack you with my ring hand.

• Nostalgia Critic: So their new bunny friend joins them on their adventure, but unfortunately the purple smoke takes on another form.

Kim: Braveheart! [Braveheart puts up his fists and attempts to fight the giant purple bird, but promptly gets knocked down]

Nostalgia Critic: Ugh! You know, you're really bad at that! Just because you're brave doesn't mean you're capable! [The screen freezes on Braveheart getting hit again as the word "FAIL" appears in big stenciled lettering]

Friendship Bear: Our only hope is a Care Bear Stare. I just hope it works. There's only two of us. Care Bear...STARE! [The two bears begin hitting the bird with their combined Stares]

Dr. Raymond Stantz: [from Ghostbusters] Start bringin' 'em down! Start bringin' 'em down! You got 'em! Don't cross the streams!

Friendship Bear: The two of us aren't enough! [The bird swoops down for another attack, but is pelted with the combined Stares of all the Care Bears on the boat from before]

Nostalgia Critic: [As the Care Bears] TASTE THE RAINBOW, MOTHERFUCKER! [The bird disappears as Kim, Jason and the cousins start celebrating and the Critic returns to reviewing] Pfft, well fuck caring! The answer to this problem was violence. Wonderful, caring violence!

Jaws 3D

• Nostalgia Critic: Unfortunately, Jaws starts floating towards the base. Oh, and I don't mean "swim", I mean "float" -- having actual movement would require another double-A battery. [True to his description, the shark swimming towards the people behind a piece of glass is not moving at all, and the people scream in slow motion] By God! She's very very very very very slowly coming towards us! We only have hours to escape! HOURS! [The shark finally shatters through the glass, not moving at all after the breakage] Oh-ho-ho! The effects for this movie never cease to amaze me. I especially love how Jaws just freezes in time as a vacuum of water floods into the building. It's like she's so bad that she ascends above water -- even the elements of earth can't possibly stop her.

Free Willy

• Nostalgia Critic: So Willy gets so mad at the constant clapping that he actually rams the glass, which actually results in one of my favorite scenes from one of the henchmen. [He checks a newly sprung leak coming from one of the tank's bolts, looks back at Willy and smugly eats a piece of popcorn while dramatic music is inserted into the clip, and the Critic laughs in response to it all] No one can eat popcorn so devilishly! Seriously, you can put that in, like, any heartwarming scene and it just would suck the love right out of it! [A scene from "The Princess Bride" is queued up]

Buttercup: I will never doubt again.

Westley: There will never be a need. [He leans down to kiss her, then the henchman eating popcorn with the same dramatic music is played again afterwards]

Nostalgia Critic: You see? It makes anything sinister! Try it out on some other movies, I wanna see what you come up with.

Troll in Central Park, A

• Nostalgia Critic: [Skipping his usual opening line, he starts the review by angrily pacing around in a circle] This movie... DUH! [Paces around some more] I mean it's... DAH! [Paces around some more] It's really... FUCKITY FUCK FUCK! Okay... I apologize—FUCK FUCK FUCK! Okay... I'm really sorry, it's just... man, is this a bad one! I mean, just saying the title of this movie pisses me off. That's how bad it is. Watch. [Clears his throat and collects himself] "A Troll in Central—" FUCK THIS MOVIE! [Pounds the table, then punches himself across his face] "A Troll in Central Park". [The movie's title screen is shown] I mean, talk about pandering to your kids and not having any respect for their intelligence. Often considered Don Bluth's worst film, this movie doesn't even seem like a real kid's movie. It seems like a parody of a kid's movie. [Shows a clip from "The Simpsons" to prove his next point] You know on a show when you see kids watching TV and some over-the-top nonsense is playing that obviously nobody put any thought into? You know, 'cause it's in the background and nobody needs to pay attention to it? Yeah, imagine a whole movie like that: just a complete waste of time that has nothing to offer. I don't care if it's innocent and cutesy. It's a piece of shit, with no constructive creativity that any audience member can see. I had to sit through it, now you're gonna sit through it! Let us venture through "A Troll in Central Park". [Beat] GOD!
• Troll Guard: [In sing-song voice as he's walking away] I'm a bad troll... a very bad troll...

Nostalgia Critic: Okay... this is what happens when you let your five-year-old write the screenplay.

Kid's Voice: And then the troll says, "I'm a bad troll..."

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, that's good, son. [Types on a laptop and imitates the kid] "And then the troll says, 'I'm a bad troll...'."

Kid's Voice: I have to go potty.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, even better! [Imitating the kid again] "And then he says, 'I have to go potty'."

Kid's Voice: No, really, I have to go potty.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, oh, yeah. Uh, go ahead, go potty... Still a good line, though. [Continues typing]

• Stanley: Oh please, tell me your name!

Rosie: Rosie.

Stanley: [Gasps] Rosie! Did you hea— [Gasps again] Rosie! Oh yes, I like that a lot!

Nostalgia Critic: TELL A STORY! Seriously, there’s only so much whimsical pandering an audience can take! Do something of substance!

Stanley: [Starts singing] I like to close my eyes...

Nostalgia Critic: No, nono, not sing! Not sing!

Stanley: Oh! And absolutely green. Birds singing happy songs...

Nostalgia Critic: Good God, My Little Pony, the Care Bears, Teletubbies, Cabbage Patch Kids, the Smurfs, Barbie, Pound Puppies, Rainbow Brite, Strawberry Shortcake, Barney the Dinosaur, all the High School Musicals, Jem and the goddamn Get Along Gang are fucking butch [The word "BUTCH!" in big red letters appear] compared to this!

• Gus: What about all your powers, Mr. "You Gotta Believe, Green Thumb"? [takes his toy boat from Stanley's hands]

Nostalgia Critic: YEAH! Tell that Rice Krispie elf!

Stanley: My presitigitation is no match for Gnorga's magic-

Gus: OH, SURE! You're just saying that 'cause you're too scared to fight her! [the flowers gasp]

Nostalgia Critic: [gasps] DID HE ACTUALLY SUGGEST THAT SOMEONE HAVE BALLS IN THIS MOVIE?!?

Stanley: I'd help you if I could, but I can't! She'll turn me to stone, and I don't want to be rock-enized.

Gus: You'll never have a dream come true! And you know why?

Nostalgia Critic: Take your pick. [The screen briefly shows: He's annoying. He's obnoxious. He won't shut up. He's a pansie. He sings to flowers. He's as bland as Edward from Twilight. He's vomitingly cute. His logic makes no sense. He needs to die. He looks like a rejected muppet. He's a coward. He has three teeth. He's a delusional nutball. He lives in Central Park yet is still alive. He's ruining this whole frigging movie, as well as cinema in general. The oompa loompas could beat him up. He makes Mini-Me look tall. He gets excited when toddlers kiss him. He's the only troll more annoying than the ones from Encyclopedia Dramatica. A termite has bigger balls than him. Did I mention he's annoying?]

Gus: You're a coward! [Throws his toy boat]

Nostalgia Critic: [Picks "He's a coward." accompanied by a "Ding!" sound] Good choice.

Theodore Rex

• [The movie's title screen is shown, and the Critic laughs]

Nostalgia Critic: Where do I even begin with this? Whoopi Goldberg and a dinosaur go solving crimes—nope. Can't even begin with that. That's the premise. The premise is so stupid I can't even begin with it. So let's begin with how they came up with the premise: some jackass executives are in an office saying "Hey! We've gotta make some money real quick while putting absolutely no effort into it. Hmm, why don't we take an A-minus-list actor and whatever the hell's popular right now and team 'em both together? Hmm, now let's see, uh, oh! I know! How about Betty White and a Ninja Turtle? [A Photoshopped picture of the two together is shown, then a red "X" covers them along with a buzzing noise] No no no, ooh! How about William Shatner and Pokémon? [A Photoshopped picture of the two together is shown, and the same graphic and sound are played] Nah, that's too obvious. Oh, I got it! How about Damon Wayans and that gecko from the GEICO commercials? [A Photoshopped picture of the two together is shown, and the same graphic and sound are played] No no, wait for summer...oh! I got it! I really got it! [Laughs] How about Whoopi Goldberg and one of the dinosaurs from that "TGIF" sitcom? [A Photoshopped picture of the two together is shown, and the same graphic and sound are played one more time] Fuck you, I'm lazy." "Theodore Rex"!

• Nostalgia Critic: So let me get this straight: dinosaurs do not only exist in this world, but they also have telepathic powers. Well I don't know about you but this story about a walking talking dinosaur who solves crimes in a Utopian future has totally lost me on its credibility.

Top 11 Coolest Clichés

• [On the dark pasts movie characters often have]

Nostalgia Critic: I always wanted to see a back story that combined all the back stories, like creating the ultimate past. Something like...

Whistler: [From "Blade"] Blade's mother was attacked by a vampire while she was pregnant...

Obi-Wan Kenobi: [From "Return of the Jedi"] He's more machine now than man...

Dolores: [From "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"] A toon killed his brother...

Marv: [From "Sin City"] And along the way he just happened to become the most powerful man in the state.

Nostalgia Critic: Now THAT would be an awesome movie! Like they always say, the dreams of the past create the realities of the future, as well as one of my all-time favorite clichés.

Luke Skywalker: [From "Star Wars"] How did my father die?

Dolores: Dropped a piano on his head.

• [On the simple act of screaming "NOOOO!"]

Nostalgia Critic: And of course, the ultimate puss-out moment in any "Star Wars" movie, and that's saying a lot.

Darth Vader: [From "Revenge of the Sith"] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Nostalgia Critic: This especially pissed people off because now Darth Vader has his suit on. He's bad-ass. He's the character we all recognize. He wasn't whiny Anakin any more. And what's the first thing he says? [In high pitched whiny voice] "Where's my girlfriend? I wanna see my girlfriend! What? She's dead? [Even higher pitched] Nooooooooo!" [Normal voice] Hell, Mr. Bill sounded more butch than you!

Hook

• Peter: I am still in emergence acquisition, and dabbling into some land development.

Jack: Any resistance! And he blows them out of the water!

Wendy: So... Peter, you've become a pirate. [Film Brain suddenly appears and raises his arms upward and shouts.]

Film Brain: Symbolism!

Nostalgia Critic: What was that? Well anyway...

• Peter Pan: I remember!

Nostalgia Critic: And thus we begin the reconstruction of Peter Pan's memory... which must be missing a few gaps because there are a bajillion plot holes in this next few minutes. In fact, let's count 'em down!

Peter Pan: What happened here?

Tinker Bell: Hook.

Peter Pan: Hook?

Tinker Bell: Burnt it when you didn't come back.

Nostalgia Critic: Well then, why did you build the new hideout on top of the old hideout? [A counter is shown at the bottom right of the screen, starting at "1"] In fact, why the hell doesn't Hook just burn that? ["2"]

Peter Pan: I remember my mother. I remember her.

Peter's Mother: After graduation, he will prepare for a judgeship in the highest court. [A shot of young Peter in a baby carriage as it rolls down the hill]

Peter Pan: I was afraid because I didn't want to grow up because everybody who grows up has to die someday, so I ran away.

Nostalgia Critic: Uh, you strolled away as you can't really run yet, I guess he used his physic powers ["3"] and plus, you're a friggin' baby! You have no concept of age or death or even the color "orange", how can he comprehend all this?!? ["4"]

Peter Pan: You brought me to Never Land, you taught me to fly. [A shot of baby Peter being taken away in the sky with Tinker Bell]

Nostalgia Critic: OK, so if he went to Never Land to never grow up, THEN WHY IS HE CONSTANTLY GROWING UP?!? He was a baby, then he was a boy and now he's a friggin' teenager? I'd sue Never Land for fucking false advertising! ["5"] There, that's five major plot holes in the past five minutes! Five major plot holes! What the hell happened? You were doing pretty good up until then! What, did the writers of Lost come in to explain everything?

• [Maggie shows Peter her paper flower]

Maggie: Tootles made it for me. It smells nice.

Peter: It's paper, honey.

Nostalgia Critic: Dude. How much of a killjoy is this jerk?! [Cuts to him holding a phone to his ear]

Child's voice: Dad, is there a Santa Claus?

Nostalgia Critic: No.

Child's voice: Is there an Easter Bunny?

Nostalgia Critic: No, I made that up too.

Child's voice: Is there a God?

Nostalgia Critic: Well, scientifically speaking, they've never proven that God actually exists, so probably not. In fact, the majority of religions, if not all religions, are completely false. [Pause. The child is heard crying] Oh, what?!

Independence Day

• Nostalgia Critic: Happy Independence Day, everybody! Let's celebrate by reviewing "Independence—" [The title screen is shown] DAAAAAAH! God I hate this movie! I hate it so much, and yet I always find out that I'm part of a small minority on this. I mean, granted it was a critical flop and when this movie first came out I was excited to see shit blow up, but after you get past the explosions, there is nothing creative or original about this movie. It's just human stereotypes trying to fight off alien stereotypes, nothing more. But so many people keep telling me "Oooh, it's a popcorn movie! Can't you just have fun?" Well let me tell you something: a water slide is fun. All the slipping and sliding, it's just great. But if someone took you off the water slide, shook you, gave you a noogie and then spat in your face and put you back on the water slide, you'd be like "That wasn't fun. That was weird and annoying." And that's this movie!
• Nostalgia Critic: Here we see two people playing chess and... yeah, there's really no point in prolonging this any more. Cast, step forward and state your stereotype! [Each of the following impressions is accompanied by the actor's respective character on screen with piano music in the background] I'm Judd Hirsch, I'm the Jewish stereotype! I'm Robert Loggia, I'm the gruff military stereotype! I'm Randy Quaid and I'm the redneck stereotype! I'm Brent Spiner and I'm the geeky stereotype! I'm that guy from "Mrs. Doubtfire" and I'm the gay stereotype! I'm Harry Connick Jr. and I'm the annoying best friend stereotype! I'm Jeff Goldblum and I am in and of myself a stereotype.
• Nostalgia Critic: But meanwhile, the President and his men try to figure out what they're going to do next.

Julius Levinson: It was, what, in the 19-what-50s, whatever, you you had that, uh, spaceship?

Nostalgia Critic: Oh God, you're not...

Julius Levinson: Roswell! Roswell, New Mexico! Yeah! No, you had the spaceship and you had the bodies!

Nostalgia Critic: You're not really going that direction, are you?

Julius Levinson: Area 51, right? Area 51!

President Whitmore: Regardless of what you may have read in the tabloids, there have never been any spacecraft recovered by our government.

Nostalgia Critic: [Exhaling] Oh good! You know, for a second I really thought you'd be stupid enough to—

Secretary Nimziki: That's not entirely accurate...

Nostalgia Critic: [Beat] You know, I'll believe it when I see [The scene immediately shows an alien fighter craft underground at Area 51] DOOH! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! You're actually saying that Area 51 really was an alien and that you never brought it to anyone's attention while the ships were landing? Stand back! He's gonna go for it! He's gonna go for it! He's gonna go for it! He's gonna go for it! [Sits back in his chair while an "Independence Day" movie poster moves along the bottom of the screen and over a picture of the shark from "Jaws"] Oooh, he jumped the shark!

Room, The

• Nostalgia Critic: Well I've gotten e-mails and e-mails and e-mails and E-MAILS of people requesting me to do this one certain movie. Well, today I'm finally gonna give in. This is it. One of the big ones. One of the worst ones ever. I am going to review "The Room". [Beat] That's right. The college film that I made growing up. [Cue grainy footage of a much younger Doug from long ago] I'm surprised you guys wanted me to review this one so bad. I mean, it's not very long and I made it years ago, but ever since I showed it in my flashback section you've all requested me to do it. So let's not waste any time. Let's dive right into— [He hears the sound of crackling lightning and a boom to his left, and suddenly a much older and white-haired Critic bursts through the door with music from "Back to the Future" playing in the background]

Future Critic: Critic!

Nostalgia Critic: Who are you?

Future Critic: I'm you! From the future!

Nostalgia Critic: Well, what're you doing here? Or am I doing here? Or what're we doing here?

Future Critic: This isn't the movie they want you to review, Critic! There's one worse -- far worse -- that they say is one of the worst movies of all time!

Nostalgia Critic: Really? Oh, that is tempting... when was it made?

Future Critic: All the way in 2003!

Nostalgia Critic: But that's after my cut-off date. That's barely nostalgic.

Future Critic: I know! That's why I've come to take you into the future so that it will be nostalgic!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, but I wanted to review my old college movie! It was gonna be funny!

Future Critic: No it wasn't.

Nostalgia Critic: Yes it was!

Future Critic: What, were you gonna use another Chuck Norris joke again?

Nostalgia Critic: ...Maybe.

Future Critic: Come on, Critic. There's no time to lose! [Cue footage from "Back to the Future" of the DeLorean picking up speed and bringing them into the basement of the Future Critic's home]

Nostalgia Critic: Wow. So what year is this?

Future Critic: The future!

Nostalgia Critic: Alright, alright, but why am I downstairs in the basement?

Future Critic: Oh, it's the only place we can hide to stay away from the seahorses.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, OK. [Long pause] What?

Future Critic: Oh, seahorses rule the Earth now. Complete domination. Surprised nobody saw it coming, really. [Perplexed, the Critic looks out of the basement window and sees a futuristic city ruled by flying seahorses]

Nostalgia Critic: Well... I'll just deal with that as it comes.

• Nostalgia Critic: But more important things are going on, like Johnny buying his girlfriend some flowers. [Scene with Johnny going in the flower shop]

Johnny: Yeah, can I have a dozen red roses please?

Flower Shop Employee: Oh hi Johnny, I didn't know it was you.

Nostalgia Critic: What....?

Flower Shop Employee: [Gives Johnny some flowers] Here you go.

Johnny: That's me.

Nostalgia Critic: Huh? What the...?

Johnny: How much is it?

Flower Shop Employee: That'll be 18 dollars.

Johnny: Here you go. Keep the change.

Nostalgia Critic: Wait, what...?

Johnny: Hi, doggy.

Flower Shop Employee: You're my favorite customer.

Nostalgia Critic: What....?

Johnny: Thanks a lot. Bye.

Nostalgia Critic: Wait.

Flower Shop Employee: Bye Bye. [Johnny exits Flower Shop]

Nostalgia Critic: OK, hold on! [Scene stops] What just happened? I mean I know he's just buying her some flowers but, I think they were reading the script backwards or something. In fact, let's analyze this scene. I mean I know I'm nitpicking, but this whole 20 seconds really fascinates me!

Johnny: Yeah, can I have a dozen red roses please?

Flower Shop Employee: Oh hi Johnny, I didn't know it was you. [Scene pauses]

Nostalgia Critic: You didn't know it was him? You didn't recognize the 5-foot, girly haired, French zombie until he took off his sunglasses? [Scene resumes]

Flower Shop Employee: Here you go.

Johnny: That's me. [Scene pauses]

Nostalgia Critic: Why did he say that? She didn't give him any reason to say that. Is that just his random catch phrase of the day? [Scene resumes]

Johnny: How much is it?

Flower Shop Employee: That'll be 18 dollars.

Johnny: Here you go. Keep the change. Hi, doggy.

Flower Shop Employee: You're my favorite customer.

Johnny: Thanks a lot, bye.

Flower Shop Employee: Bye Bye.

Nostalgia Critic: And what was up with the rushed pace of that last couple seconds? Did they only have enough money to rent the store for like 2 minutes so they had to shoot it really fast? [Imitating Johnny] Hello, I would like to buy a dozen roses.

Offscreen Flower Shop Owner: HEY JACKASS! I'M CLOSING MY STORE IN 30 SECONDS!

Nostalgia Critic: [Imitating Johnny] Here's my money keep the change hello doggy bye!

• Nostalgia Critic: So yeah, Lisa invites Mark over again, as Johnny finally heard the lie that Lisa told about him.

Johnny: [In a completely flat tone, despite his frantic gestures] I did not hit her. It's not true. It's bullshit! I did not hit her! [Throws down his water bottle] I did not. [Pause] Oh hi, Mark. [Cut to the Critic, mouth agape, then the scene starts to repeat itself before he interrupts]

Nostalgia Critic: No, no no no no, don't play it again. I think the evidence is very clear: that is the worst piece of acting that has ever been put on film. I mean, my God! Not one inflection was right. Not one word was said correctly. Not one breath of air made me believe anything that he was saying. There are middle school plays that put on better performances than that couple of seconds. That was like the nirvana of bad acting. The holy grail. All hail to you, Your Lameness.

Johnny: I did not hit her! [Throws down his water bottle] I did not! [Pause] Oh hi, Mark. [Cut to a Photoshopped picture of Johnny as a star child-like embryo with the text "You Have Reached Enlightenment!" beneath him with dramatic music playing]

Disembodied Voice: By God was that bad...

• Mark: [Comes in with Lisa to find Johnny after he shot himself] Wake up, Johnny, come on!

Nostalgia Critic: "Wake up?" I don't think he'll really wake up from a bullet in the mouth!

Lisa: Is he dead?

Nostalgia Critic: [Flabbergasted by the line] Is he dea.. is he dea... is he dea...[Goes into a fit while imitating that Johnny used a gun and shot himself, while making noises uncontrollably, later he calms himself] Well, yes. Yes he is, young lady. "He has passed on. This person is no more. He has ceased to be. He's expired and gone to meet his maker. He's a stiff. Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If he didn't shoot himself, he'd be pushing up daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket! He's shuffled off the mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the friggin' choir invisible!! THIS... IS AN EX-PERSON!!"

Shopkeeper: Well I better replace it then.

Nostalgia Critic: GOOOOOOOOD!!!!

Phantom, The

• Nostalgia Critic: So they tie up the kid and throw him in the back of the truck as they venture forward into the cave. Hmm, a guy in a fedora hat looking in a booby-trapped cave for ancient treasure that's in the shape of a golden head? Thank God I'm unbelievably stupid, or I just might've made a connection to "Raiders of the Lost Ark". But nope. I'm just a dummy who wants to see the bad guy from "Titanic" wear purple spandex. Don't look at me funny. [The robbers turn around to see the Phantom riding a white horse in slow motion towards them, and the Critic starts laughing at this sight] Oh no no no no... [Stops laughing] I'm sorry, it's the Purple Hamburglar. I mean, how is anyone supposed to look at that and take it seriously?

Robber #1: Aw shit!

Robber #2: Run!

Nostalgia Critic: [as a robber] Look out! It's the gayest thing you've ever seen! [The Phantom grabs one of the robbers, hurls him into a tree and the Critic continues reviewing] I don't even get it. Why purple? How does purple blend into anything in the jungle? In fact, how does purple blend into anything period? Actually, I think they did a survey recently asking army recruits what was the best kind of camouflage, and their response was "Not Fucking Purple."

Zeus and Roxanne

• Nostalgia Critic: Fear the dolphin punch! It knocks out sharks. [in a heroic like voice] DOLPHIN PUNCH!
• Nostalgia Critic: [After Mary Beth becomes trapped in her submersible with water filling it up] So seeing how there's no friggin' scuba gear that she brought with her, it's up to Roxanne to find her and relay the message that she's in trouble. [Roxanne surfaces in front of Terry and begins making all sorts of noise]

Nostalgia Critic: [as Terry] Look! I think she's trying to tell us something! [Roxanne spins around a couple of times] Lobster people are invading the forest with blenders? [Roxanne bobs her head from side to side] Ninjas from another planet have stolen all the Earth's corn? [Roxanne makes more noises] Mary Beth is trapped right below us in a tuna net? That's it? Mary Beth is trapped right below us in a tuna net? Well I better save her!

Flintstones Movie, The

• [During the opening credits as the Universal Studios logo is shown onscreen]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, oh. "Univershell"? Its like "Universal" except the put "shell" because there are stones back in the stone age? Uh, yeah. Fuck this. [pauses] Wait a minute! [glances at the poster at the Drive-In] That fucking poster said we were gonna see "Tar Wars". I wanna see "Tar Wars"! I don't care if it's just two people drowning each other. It's gotta be more entertaining than this!

• [After yet another of several short scenes that doesn't seem to go anywhere]

Nostalgia Critic: Well, look at that! Another scene that didn't seem to go anywhere -- he flirts with Halle Berry and it doesn't affect the plot at all. And wouldn't you know it? This scene also happens to be about two minutes long! That seems to be the pattern of this movie: start a scene, have it go nowhere, and then disappear after two minutes. That's all this movie is; just a collection of unfunny two-minute scenes, one after another. Seriously, Halle Berry should just come out in the middle of a scene and be like [Now imitating her] "Guys, I'm really sorry. I know this movie is hard to sit through, but, um... here. [Imitates her flashing the audience] Did that help? I hope that helped. That's all I got. Look, just bear with it -- there's only an hour left, it'll be over soon. [Whispers] It'll be over soon."

Mr. Nanny

• Nostalgia Critic: So after the kids annoy him some more, Hogan talks with Burt to see if he can get out of the job. Again, listen to this and tell me they're not talking about Hogan acting in this movie.

Burt: You wanna spend the rest of your life getting your brains kicked in, suit yourself! But let me clue you in on something: ex-wrestlers aren't exactly in demand, ya know! I mean, who else is going to offer you a career?

Nostalgia Critic: Kind of eerie, isn't it?

Rocky IV

• [At Paulie's birthday party, a talking robot rolls out to present him his birthday cake while saying "Happy Birthday Paulie"]

Nostalgia Critic [as an announcer]: That's right! It's the Shark-Jumper 5000! [Text appears on the screen resembling a direct-response marketing commercial, with the phrases "Ruins any movie instantly in the first five minutes", "Wow! No More Credibility!" and "Only $1,999,999,999,999,999"] You think you've seen impressive shark-jumping in other movies? Well this is a fucking robot in a "Rocky" film! [Back to reviewing] Nothing can top that. It's like putting a singing giraffe in a "Godfather" movie. [Cue a Photoshopped image of just that] No rhyme or reason, just pure insanity. Isn't it a delight? Isn't this just the last thing you'd think you'd see in this?

Robot: Please make a wish.

Rocky: Come on, make a wish like he says.

Paulie: I wish I wasn't in this nightmare!

Rocky: Hey, very classy wish. Very nice. [Turns to the robot] What do you think there? [The robot beeps and nods] Very good, huh? [Rocky laughs]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh look, the... robot from "Rocky" just nodded in agreement with him almost as if he can understand what Stallone is saying and actually interact off his emotions. That's, that's quite interesting, I didn't know something like that existed. I mean, here I thought the world of the "Academy Award-winning 'Rocky'" was very similar to ours, you know, very gritty and very real, but uh, uh, no, apparently it's like a sci-fi novel, you can just go out and buy artificially intelligent robots. I, I, I didn't know that. [Awkward pause] WHY DOES THAT EXIST?!?

• Nostalgia Critic: So Rocky is off to Russia to fight Drago. Everybody in the world, of course, knows about it... except his wife. [Pause] Woops.

Rocky: I just gotta do what I gotta do.

Adrian: You don't have to do anything. Don't do this.

Rocky: Adrian, a lotta people don't have a choice. I do.

Adrian: You're willing to lose everything?

Nostalgia Critic: OK, we all know this bit. Let me just sum it up: [Imitating Adrian in a high-pitched voice] "Rocky, I've come to bitch and moan at you about why you shouldn't fight!" [Now imitating Rocky's slurred delivery] "And I, the wise genius, have yet another bullshit reason about why I should fight!" [Imitating Adrian] "I can't support you!" [Imitating Rocky] "FINE!" [Pause] "So, you coming to the third act to support me?" [Imitating Adrian] "Don't I always?" [Imitating Rocky] "Cool."

• Drago: [to Rocky] I must break you.

Nostalgia Critic: HA! Joke's on you -- the right side of his mouth is already broken! [Imitating Rocky as he gets pummeled at the start of the fight] Oh my God, this was a mistake! I immediately regret this! Oh-ho WOW is this guy tough! I can't feel the left side of my body! I don't remember who my mother is! Now I think I'm a cuckoo clock! The more I think about it, maybe the robot needs a sister! UNCLLLLLE!! [Back to reviewing] But of course Rocky starts fighting back, as the crowd slowly but surely starts turning to Rocky's side.

Drago's Trainer: [Subtitled from Russian] How can you do this? He's nothing... soft!!

Drago: [Subtitled from Russian] He's not human.... He is like a piece of iron.

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, did I mention Stallone wrote this?

• Nostalgia Critic: So of course having beaten Drago, Rocky makes a great big speech about world peace. Yes, I am dead serious.

Rocky: [Addressing the fight's crowd] I've seen a lotta people hatin' me, and I didn't know what to feel about that, so I guess I didn't like you much none either.

Ringside Announcer: [Translating into Russian with the Critic's own "translation" appearing onscreen] He says he cheated and should be disqualified.

Rocky: During this fight, I've seen a lotta changing...

Announcer: [With the Critic's "translation"] He says America is a bunch of pussies and could never win honestly.

Rocky: ...the way you's felt about me, and the way I felt about you.

Announcer: [With the Critic's "translation"] He says he puts on women's clothing and hangs around in bars.

Rocky: There were two guys killin' each other, but I guess that's better than twenty million.

Announcer: [With the Critic's "translation"] He says he wants to kill 20 million Russians.

Rocky: What I'm tryin' to say is that if I can change...

Announcer: [With the Critic's "translation"] He says he's forfeiting the fight.

Rocky: ...and you can change...

Announcer: [With the Critic's "translation"] He says Russia wins!

Rocky: [The crowd starts applauding] ...everybody can change!

Announcer: [With the Critic's "translation"] He says he's going to disappear under mysterious circumstances!

Chairman of the Board

• [After a series of TV-related puns from Edison all fall flat]

Nostalgia Critic: ...Ya know, I'm just gonna start working on the apology from the filmmakers. [Starts writing something down beneath the screen while more of the film is shown] "Dear Film Viewers, we are extremely sorry for the film we have given you. We should have known better and will remember next time to treat you like you have a brain. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. [Pause] Sorry."

Next Top 11 Nostalgia Critic Fuck Ups, The

• [After confessing that a dress in the "Superman 4" review was misidentified as being Victorian]

Nostalgia Critic: Not really too much I can say about this -- we simply got the time era of the dress wrong. But needless to say IT WAS LINKARA'S FAULT! That's right. Don't believe me? Take a look at this video apology that he made earlier this week.

"Linkara": [Actually a still picture of him holding his magic gun with what's clearly the Critic's voice coming out of his cut-out mouth] Hello, I'm Linkara, and I totally fucked up. Sorry, I feel like an ass.

Nostalgia Critic: D'oh, Linkara! You don't have to be so hard on yourself.

"Linkara": No, really, it was totally my fault. I should've known not to upset someone as powerful and handsome as you.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh Linkara! Are you saying that I'm so physically attractive that I'm turning you gay right now?

"Linkara": Yes. Yes I am.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, I just don't know what to say, I mean, I'm just speechless, uh—

"Linkara": Bat Credit Card.

Nostalgia Critic: A BAT CREDIT CARD?!? [Begins screaming shooting wildly into the air again]

Pound Puppies the Movie

• [As the Pound Puppies and Purries dance and sing "At the Pound"]

Nostalgia Critic: Wow, the pound looks awesome! I never knew all the fun I was missing out on all this time! Come on, let's all go to the pound right now! [Quickly cuts to an actual animal shelter and the sounds of forlorn dogs] ...d-dance? [Cuts to a couple pictures of dogs in cages, then the Critic tries to sing] "You can hug 'em, you can pet 'em, but you better not forget 'em at the... pound" [Cuts to more dogs in cages and the Critic stops singing] Fuck this, I'm getting a turtle.

Jeff: In commemoration of the thousand-year anniversary of the Bone of Scone, we'll be holding an adoption bazaar at the pound.

Tammy: Yeah! And everybody's invited to come over and adopt a Pound Puppy or a Pound Purrie of their choice.

Nostalgia Critic: Wait, a "Pound Purrie"? Did she really just call a cat a "Pound Purrie"? What, did "Pound Pussy" just cause too much controversy?

Cooler: Some day, one of Big Paw's descendants will guard the Bone of Scone again. It's like my great-grandpuppy said to me: us Coolers are descendants from King Arthur's puppy, Digalot.

Nostalgia Critic: [With his face in his palm and his eyes closed] Who wrote this?

Pebble and the Penguin, The

• [Hubie is gazing up at a bright star]

Hubie: Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. Wish I may, wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight.

Nostalgia Critic: [as the star, in an electronic tone as if over a phone call] This is the wishing star. Our attorneys advise you to stop ripping off Disney or we'll sue you for the little that you have. Thank you, and never call us again.

• [As Hubie is about to tell Rocko a secret]

Hubie: I... Rocko, there's something you should know...

Nostalgia Critic: [as Hubie] Your modern life is no longer in reruns!

Hubie: Waldo isn't real.

Rocko: What...?

Hubie: I needed you to... to show me the way home. I-I didn't think you'd do it if I just asked...

Nostalgia Critic: [as Rocko] Next you'll be telling me the cake is a lie!

Ernest Scared Stupid

• [On Eartha Kitt's portrayal of "Old Lady" Hackmore]

Nostalgia Critic: Is it weird to say that she looks like Chester A. Bum's grandmother?

Chester A. Bum: HOORAY! I'm a bi-racial, half-feline cat person! How come I'm not more surprised...?

Top 11 Scariest Performances

• [On Anthony Perkins' performance in "Psycho"]

Nostalgia Critic: If you haven't seen the movie yet, check it out, and see how influential both the film and his performance was. And speaking of influences, where do you think Alex got his smile from?

Norman Bates: But she's harmless. She's as harmless as one of those stuffed birds.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, and if you're thinking about seeing the shot-by-shot remake, I have only one thing to say to you: Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates. [The Critic imitates turning the crank on a jack-in-the-box with "Pop Goes the Weasel" playing in the background, but instead of a clown, the word "FAIL" on a metal spring pops out]

IT

• [As the seven main characters gather around a photo album]

Nostalgia Critic: They talk about how they've all seen the killer clown and discover that he might've been around for as long as 200 years. This literally gets the picture going as Mike's book comes to life just to make the kids piss their pants again. ["It" appears in clown form (a.k.a. Pennywise) and scares the seven kids]

Pennywise: I'll kill you all! Ha-ha! I'll drive you crazy, and I'll kill you all!

Nostalgia Critic: Sticks and stones may break my bones, BUT FIRST YA GOTTA THROW 'EM!

Pennywise: I'm every nightmare you've ever had! I am your worst dream come true!

Nostalgia Critic: Uhh, why don't they just close the book? Wouldn't it be able to shut him up if they just slammed that thing shut? [The Critic holds a book open with Pennywise's voice coming from its pages]

Pennywise's Voice: Ha-ha! I'll drive you crazy, and I'll kill you all! [The Critic slams the book shut and muffled screams of pain can be heard from within before he opens it again] I'm every nightmare you've ever ha— [The Critic slams the book shut again, muffled screams are heard and he opens it again] I am your— [Closes it, then opens it] —worst dream— [Closes it, then opens it] —come true! [Closes it, then hesitates before opening it one more time to hear singing] I'm just a sweet transvestite... [Closes it a final time and chucks the book to the side]

• [After "It's" true form is revealed to be a giant, six-legged spider]

Nostalgia Critic: My God! So you're telling me this whole fucking time we were building up to... [Closes his eyes in disbelief as Spider Smith from "Lost in Space" appears to his left]

Spider Smith: Spiders! A giant legion of spiders!

Nostalgia Critic: Goddammit, Dr. Smith! This is really what you and Stephen King find frightening?

Spider Smith: Yes! My dream is finally realized! I— [Stops, sniffing the air] What smells like urinated whiskey?

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, it's me. I've been playing the Stephen King Drinking Game.

Spider Smith: Oh good God, man! That's been known to kill people!

Nostalgia Critic: [Now lapsing into a drunken stupor while pulling out his gun] Hey, you know what else has been known to kill people? I'll tell you... this! [Fires several shots that all miss Smith, who simply stands there] That's right, hold still, hold still, I'm gonna shoot all five o' ya... You're goin' down, spider man! Not the superhero, the the... the you! Woo!

Spider Smith: I'll just show myself out. [Sneaks away out of sight]

Nostalgia Critic: Ahhah... yeah, you better run!

Leprechaun

• [The Leprechaun chases a highway patrol officer into the forest, where he starts toying with him]

Leprechaun: Over here! [Scurries behind one tree, then reappears next to another tree] I'm over here!

Nostalgia Critic [singing as the Leprechaun/Tom Bombadil]: Oh Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow / Bright blue is his jacket and his boots are yellow [The officer throws his baton towards the Leprechaun]

Cinema Snob: Oh, he throws a stick at it?! Is that really what they teach these guys when they come across a supernatural being? Throw a stick at it?!

Nostalgia Critic [as an officer trainee]: Sarge! Sarge! I got a question!

Cinema Snob [as his sergeant]: What is it, Callahan?

Nostalgia Critic: What if -- now this is totally hypothetical -- what if I was attacked by a psychotic killer leprechaun that was trying to kill me?

Cinema Snob: I dunno, throw your stick at it.

Nostalgia Critic: "Throw my stick at it" -- right! [Turns to leave, then comes back] What if it's the Easter Bunny?

Cinema Snob: Get outta here!

My Pet Monster

• [After the Critic outlines all of his complaints with the movie, including why it ended the way it did]

Nostalgia Critic: In fact, I'm gonna call the director right now and find out! [Whips out a phone and dials it before speaking into it] Hi, this is the Nostalgia Critic and I wanna know what the hell you were thinking with the ending of "My Pet Monster"! In fact, what the hell were you thinking with the entire movie in general?! [Pauses while the person on the other line responds] Well, I-I-I don't know what I was expecting, I mean, I... [Pauses] ...yeah yeah, I saw the cover and I still rented it... [Pauses] ...yeah, I-I watched it willingly... [Pauses] ...no, I'm not... babysitting anybody, I, uh... [Pauses] ...I'm 28... [Pauses] ...well, it's, um, it's kinda my job, I, uh... [Pauses] ...yeah, I, uh, watch... children's programming and tell people what I think online... [Pauses] ...uh-huh... [Pauses] [I'm] ...very happy that you pity me... [Pauses] ...yeah, we're done. We're done. Um, just, uh, thank you for your time and sorry to have inconvenienced you. OK, bye. [Hangs up, thinks for a moment and addresses his viewers] I'm the Nostalgia Critic and... and I gotta think a few things through. [Gets up, walks out and sits down in front of a window with "The Lonely Man" from the Incredible Hulk TV show playing in the background]

Nostalgic Commercials!

• [The Critic sees a commercial for the Chia Pet]

Off-screen Female Singer: Chi-Chi-Chi-Chia!

Nostalgia Critic: [in a low voice] Behold, the most boring thing in the entire freakin' world!

• Off-screen Female Singer Chi-Chi-Chi-Chia!

Nostalgia Critic: [imitating female singer] Ba-ba-ba-Bullshit!

• [The Critic sees a commercial for the Wet Banana, a kind of Slip 'n Slide knock-off]

Announcer: Weird Wet Banana!

Nostalgia Critic: Uhhhhhhh... [Looking around uncomfortably]

Announcer: You can splish and splash on Wet Banana like Billy!

Nostalgia Critic: Yes, be like Billy and take a ride on the wet banana.

Announcer: You can dip and slip like Ricky!

Nostalgia Critic: Yes, dipping and sliding is a very good thing to do with your wet banana.

Announcer: Slippery wet fun for the whole gang!

Nostalgia Critic: A very special kinda gang, but yes, slippery wet fun is guaranteed.

Announcer: Could that be Mom on Wet Banana? [The Critic does a spit take at this] It is!

Nostalgia Critic: MOM!! Get off my wet banana! [Pause] What would Dad say?

Announcer: Regular Wet Banana 25 feet long, and the new Wet Banana Super Slide 30 feet long!

Nostalgia Critic: My MY that's a fucking big banana!

Announcer: Each sold separately from Koki!

Nostalgia Critic: Caution: may hurt some women.

• [The Critic sees a commercial for the Magic Potty Baby]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, God! Not one of these! Quit while you're ahead, commercial! You might be able to sell it if you stop now! [the commercial shows the baby peeing in the toy potty] D'OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! OH! NASTY!! I MEAN, D'OHHH! OHHHHHHHH!!

Female Announcer: It's fun to help Magic Potty Baby learn to use her potty.

Nostalgia Critic: NO, IT'S NOT! IT'S FUCKING GROSS! God, and they say boys can be disgusting! Ew!

Old vs. New: The 10 Commandments vs. The Prince of Egypt

• [On the two films' different depictions of God]

Nostalgia Critic: As far as the story goes, the "Ten Commandments" God is probably the one most people would think about when hearing it. I mean, this is the God who sent flaming hail, constant darkness and killed all the firstborns. In short, this was a bad-ass God, so they provided Him with a deep, bad-ass voice.

"Ten Commandments" God: Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.

Nostalgia Critic: [Imitating that God] Do this in my name or you will get a cap in your ass! Seriously, you're like a bug, I could just be like "Pfft!" and you're gone. Don't mess it up. I am Bad-ass God! [Back to reviewing] In "Prince of Egypt," we get more of the warm, loving God that many people have favored over the past several years.

"Prince of Egypt" God: Take the staff in your hand, Moses. With it, you shall do my wonders.

Nostalgia Critic: In my opinion, the "Prince of Egypt" God is a little more clever and well thought out. Just look at the burning bush -- it looks like something not of this world, but also something that can be soothing and comforting. The one in "The Ten Commandments" looks more like a cartoon than... well, the actual cartoon. It also makes the clever choice of having the voice of Moses be the voice of God. You can read a lot into that and come up with some fun conclusions as to why.

"Prince of Egypt" Moses: Who are you?

"Prince of Egypt" God: I am... that I am. [A picture of Popeye with a speech bubble saying "I yam what I yam!" appears over the burning bush]

Popeye: [Singing] I'm Popeye the sailor man!

Thief and the Cobbler, The

• Nostalgia Critic: Today's film is, um... interesting. [A red subtitle appears beneath him that says "Interesting = Bullshit"] And when I say "interesting" I mean it has a very interesting history. The name of the film is "The Thief and the Cobbler"... [Music from the film starts playing as a corresponding title card is shown, only to be interrupted by a record-scratching sound] ...or "The Princess and the Cobbler"... [The music starts again and the title card changes, but is interrupted by another record scratch] ...or "Arabian Knight"... [The music starts again and the title card changes, but is interrupted by one more record scratch] ...or "an abomination of assness," which is what most people call it. If a film can't decide on what the title is, how can it decide on the audience it's going to appeal to? Is it appealing to toddlers? To older children? To the mainstream Disney crowd? The strange, surreal fantasy crowd? What? WHAT?! Well, before I talk about the film, let's talk about... the film. Once upon a time, there was an animator named Richard Williams. He's said to be one of the great animation directors, having done the Chuck Jones-produced "Christmas Carol," that trippy "Raggedy Ann and Andy" film, and probably his biggest accomplishment: the animation for "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" Yet before all of that, he started production on "The Thief and the Cobbler" in 1964. It was released in 1993. What the hell happened all that time? Apparently the film was independently funded and Williams went on and on saying that this was gonna be his masterpiece. Because of this, the film took years and years of perfecting and financing to finally get it finished. In fact, one of the actors died before the film even got released: Vincent Price recorded his dialogue over twenty years before it ever saw the light of day. And as of now, it continues to be the longest time it's ever taken to complete an animated picture. Because this turkey was taking so long, the film was bought by the Completion Bond Company and kicked Williams off the project, having it released by Miramax and putting together their own half-assed cut that is still considered to be the cum bucket of a dick-cock. This is that version. So let's see how this magnum opus went to magnum anus in "The Thief and the Cobbler"!
• Nostalgia Critic: Eventually, the Thief manages to get the golden balls as he -- here's a shocker -- MONOLOGUES TO HIMSELF!

Thief: [Removing the first ball] You're gonna buy me a castle by the sea! [Removing the second ball] And you're gonna buy me everything I need to turn the basement into a rec room! [Removing the third ball] And with you... I-I tell ya... sweetheart, I'm going to Disneyland!

Nostalgia Critic: Ya know, it's funny; when I hear pop cultural references in a film that takes place in Arabia, I think of "Aladdin". But this was being made before "Aladdin". Apparently, Disney animators drew influence from this movie when it was being made that helped "Aladdin" get off the ground. And after that came out, the new producers of this film drew influence from "Aladdin". [Illustrates the following with a diagram featuring the two films' posters and two arrows] So "Aladdin" ripped off this, only to have this rip off "Aladdin". Basically the film is a product of ANIMATED INBREEDING! [Cuts to a clip of two smiling, toothless young men with banjo music playing in the background] Suddenly this is all starting to make more sense, isn't it?

Waterworld

• [The Mariner tells Helen to come into the water with him and leave Enola on his boat]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh yeah, she'll be fine. Just ignore the fact that you JUST ESCAPED THE TERRORISTS, THEY'RE MOST LIKELY TRACKING YOU RIGHT NOW, AND LITERALLY YOU'RE NOT MOVING! Let's just put the Idiot Clock up there to count down what a dumb idea this was. [A digital clock labeled "IDIOT CLOCK" appears above the Critic's right shoulder with 21 seconds on it which begins to count down] So he drags her underwater in this safety bubble only to show her that Dryland is all washed up. Of course, you could make the argument that the air pressure would kill her and if not, she'd probably run out of oxygen eventually, but like I said, let's keep this one plot hole at a time. And speaking of which, the Idiot Clock is almost up -- how's Enola?! [Cut to the Deacon capturing Enola] WHAAA?! The Smokers got her?! Well if I didn't know any better I'd say you two were IDIOTS!!! They jump in the water and Costner breathes oxygen into her mouth, leaving the Smokers to destroy the boat and take Enola away to try to figure out the map on her back. [The Mariner returns to the surface to find his boat has been destroyed.]

The Mariner: [Monotone] My boat.

Nostalgia Critic: [Imitating the Mariner's monotone] You maniacs. You blew it up. Damn you. Damn you all to hell.

• Nostalgia Critic: So, we see that Hopper is getting away with Enola on the plane. What's Costner to do? [Mortal Kombat music starts playing] Let's get ready for stuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuff! God bless you, stuff! We love you!
• Nostalgia Critic: [As they reach Dryland] Okay, I want to end this review, so...insert Lost, Blue Lagoon, Swiss Family Robinson, Jurassic Park, and/or Gilligan's Island joke here. Get creative.

Little Monsters

• [On the scene where we're first introduced to Maurice the monster]

Nostalgia Critic: Now I know what you're saying to yourself: haven't I seen this character a bajillion times before? Well yes, yes you have. He's part of the Annoying Supernatural Fast Talking Dick Club. [Accompanying text shows up on the screen] Never heard of it? It was very popular in the late 80s and early 90s. I think it began with "Beetlejuice" -- ever since that movie came out, suddenly every flick had an annoying, supernatural, fast-talking dick in it. Don't believe me? Let's check out a few other films that came out around that time. [Maurice is shown again for a few seconds, followed by a side-by-side comparison to Beetlejuice, then to Fred from "Drop Dead Fred", then to the Genie from "Aladdin", then all four characters share corners of the screen for a few seconds as the Critic starts to put a gun in his mouth before being cut off by another voice saying "Point Made"] Oh thank God!

Rover Dangerfield

• Nostalgia Critic: If you think this is like movies where you can say the actor was just a product of the Hollywood system, think again. Rodney Dangerfield had everything to do with this movie. He was the producer, handled the screenplay, came up with the idea. He even wrote the story with his pal Harold Ramis! How do you think that process went?

Nostalgia Critic: [as Dangerfield] Hey, Harold! I got this great idea for a kid's movie! It's me as a dog!

Harold Ramis: [as Egon in Ghostbusters] I think that would be extraordinarily dangerous.

Nostalgia Critic: Glad you like it! Bye!

• [After Rover falls into a truck bed full of corn and the Critic is already exasperated by his constant one-liners]

Nostalgia Critic: In fact, I'm not even gonna tell you the one-liner. No, I want you to just look at this scenario and tell me the worst possible joke that you can think up. Good luck. [The picture switches to the set of "Jeopardy!" where three contestants are confronted with the following question from the category "DUMB-ASS ONE LINERS": "What is the worst possible joke you could think up for this scene?" all while the famous theme music plays] Well, let's look at your answers. No, there's no point in looking at the answer, because I know you all got the same fucking answer. So everybody in the whole goddamn world say on the count of three what exactly the joke is! 1, 2, 3 [The Critic, a chorus of other voices and text on the screen all say the following words] "I'M TURNING INTO A CORNDOG!!!" FUCK YOU MOVIE! FUCK YOU!

A Nostalgia Critic Christmas!

• [As the Critic stands over Roger's body]

Nostalgia Critic: My God...I never realized just how many lives I've made miserable. But there is one life that I can safely say I made better...MINE! [Runs back to the room where his reviews are filmed to find Ma-Ti and a Fraggle puppet "talking" to each other]

"Giggles": ...And that's when Mary Poppins had an abortion, and later she became a revolutionary.

Ma-Ti: Wow, that's really interesting, Giggles!

Nostalgia Critic: [Shoving Ma-Ti out of his chair] Hey hey hey! Get outta here! Get outta here!

"Giggles": Hey, you're a bastard! [The Critic pounds him on the table twice and he and Bargo run off]

Nostalgia Critic: The fuck was that...? [Looks back at the camera] Hey, people! I'm back, and I'm here to stay! And I just wanted to say one thing to all of you: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, you porn reviewing fucktard! [Camera switches to Cinema Snob in a recliner]

Cinema Snob: Blow me!

Nostalgia Critic: Merry Christmas, you self-righteous activist for anything, you! [Camera switches to Nostalgia Chick filing her nails]

Nostalgia Chick: I so wish you'd die...

Nostalgia Critic: Merry Christmas, you pasty comic book-reading ass magnet, you! [Camera switches to Linkara, who merely looks up from a comic book and flips off the Critic] Merry Christmas, you over-excitable Puerto Rican jumping bean! [Camera switches to Angry Joe in a bandolier]

Angry Joe: Oh, I am so working on a hand grenade with your name on it!

Nostalgia Critic: Merry Christmas, you pompous reject of everything likable, you! [Camera switches to Spoony smiling in his room]

Spoony: Thanks a lot! I'll see you in hell!

Nostalgia Critic: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas to all!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Cartoon, The

• [As Splinter recalls to April how he and the turtles came to be]

Splinter: It was a powerful mutagen. It caused whoever touched it to take on the form of whatever animal they had most recently been in contact with.

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, this is back in the day when science goo could just... do anything. You could make up the most absurd reasoning that has no scientific logic but, it's science goo, so it flies. For example, let's see what happens when I take this jar of Philadelphia cream cheese [Puts one down on the table in front of him] and pour some science goo all over it. [Pours an opaque liquid on to the cream cheese container until it magically turns into a doll in a box] DAMMIT! It always turns into a 12-inch talking doll of Dennis Miller! Science fucking sucks, man! Science fucking sucks! [Pouts in his seat for a second before pushing a button on the back of the box to make the doll talk]

Dennis Miller Doll: Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?

Neverending Story 3

• [After kids at Bastian's new school all start running away from the Nasties]

Nostalgia Critic: OK, hold it, hold it, hold it, we gotta go back and do bullet points 'cause there's just too many things wrong with this scene. First off, that's Jack Black. [Smacks his hat] What?! Second, why would an entire school literally run away from a group of bullies? What, do they stuff their pants with TNT or something? Third, that's Jack Black. [Smacks his hat again] What?! Fourth, they're literally called the Nasties?! In the first film, the Nothing was an abstract entity. In the second film, the Emptiness was the human form of dying imagination. In this film, it's literally just a bunch of bullies named the Nasties?! How fucking uninspiring is that?! To go from complex ideas destroying worlds to one half of Tenacious D acting like a dick mule. Boy, they keep upping the ante, don't they?

• [After nearly having a nervous breakdown in response to the movie's version of the Rock Biter]

Nostalgia Critic: Let me make one thing perfectly clear: this is NOT jumping the shark. [Beat] Gonna repeat that again: this is NOT jumping the shark. Oh no no no no no no no no... [Trails off briefly before the following sequence is illustrated] This is JUMPING THE SHARK, COMING BACK, SHOOTING IT IN THE BALLS, RAPING IT, EATING ITS FLESH, CONSUMING ITS SOUL, MOUNTING ITS HEAD ON THE WALL AND THEN DOING THE SAME THING TO TWELVE MORE FUCKING SHARKS JUST TO BE SAFE!!!

• [After transporting out of Fantasia and back into the human world]

Bastian: I hereby wish the NeverEnding Story would leave the Nasties—

Childlike Empress: No, Bastian! Stop!

Bastian: Empress? [Now realizing she's speaking to him through the Auryn]

Childlike Empress: Bastian, the Fantasians who helped you got caught in a wish overload...

Nostalgia Critic: [Rubbing his forehead] "Wish overload," I can't believe this fuck...

Childlike Empress: They're with you in the human world, but you must not use the powers of Auryn to stop the Nasty.

Bastian: Why not?

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, why not?

Childlike Empress: Because the new Fantasia that follows would be different. It won't include them.

Nostalgia Critic: But it's his imagination! Why can't he just wish they're in the new Fantasia?

Bastian: It's my imagination! I'll just... make sure they're in the new Fantasia.

Childlike Empress: No, Bastian. [The Critic waits a few seconds, expecting the Empress to explain this, but doesn't get an answer]

Nostalgia Critic: What, that's it? Just "No"? There's no other reason why? Well why can't he just wish them back—

Childlike Empress: No, Bastian.

Nostalgia Critic: It seems like he could do it really easily—

Childlike Empress: No, Bastian.

Nostalgia Critic: I mean, he's got the little thing—

Childlike Empress: No, Bastian.

Nostalgia Critic: [It'd] just take two sec—

Childlike Empress: No, Bastian.

Nostalgia Critic: [Pauses] What if he just—

Childlike Empress: No, Bastian.

Nostalgia Critic: Fuck you, it's your damn world, you botch it up however ya want!

Ferngully 2

• [As the movie's poacher villain is first introduced]

Nostalgia Critic: But it turns out FernGully is under attack by one of the worst animals the planet has ever known: [Leans toward the camera] MAN! [The word is displayed next to a kitten with a tear on its face while dramatic music plays, then the movie's villain is introduced in the style of an old-time newsreel complete with the Critic's narration] Yes, Man. Human in shape but satanic in spirit, Man likes to spend most of his time destroying things because he is worse than the Devil if he was a pedophile. [Text saying just that appears] You can spot the especially bad ones by having [The following appear in list form] two-dimensional personalities, being written horribly and having a chin size that even Bruce Campbell would be jealous of. They kidnap animals, burn down rainforests and probably slept with your mother. [Text appears that says "THEY DO MOTHERS!"] If you should see Man anywhere in your neighborhood, please make a pretentious animated feature with confused morals and no sympathetic, three-dimensional villains. [The following is accompanied by onscreen text of the same words] Man: if there's anything worse, it's not human.

Secret of NIMH 2

• [After the revelation that Timmy's brother, Martin, is the villain]

Nostalgia Critic: I mean, it's incredible, it's absolutely incredible! You know what this is like? I... oh no, no no no no no no, I can't even make the comparison! I can't, it's too stupid to make. [Sighs] But it's true! It's so true! "The Secret of NIMH" -- this wonderful, creative film -- has officially become about a mouse with scientific abilities trying to take over the world... you know where this is goin'! [The theme music from "Pinky and the Brain" starts playing as the Critic imitates Timmy's and Martin's voices in place of those of Pinky and Brain] "Gee Martin, what're we gonna do tonight?" "The same thing we do every night, stupid! Try to take over the world!"

Off-screen Singers: [As the lyrics are displayed on-screen parodying its inspiration]

They're Timmy and the Brain

Yes Timmy and the Brain

One is a genius

And also insane

To take over the world

They'll butt-rape this sequel

They're whimpy

They're Timmy and the Brain Brain Brain Brain...

Martin: YES!

• Nostalgia Critic: [after destroying the DVD with the Death Star] I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and Sequel Month is almost over! Just one more movie! [scoffs] I don't even care what the hell it is!

Care Bear: [off-screen] Did someone say "care"?

Nostalgia Critic: [groans in agony]

[Care Bears Countdown plays]

Care Bears 2

• [After complaining about the mountain of cutesy schmaltz the film heaps on to the viewer]

Nostalgia Critic: Seriously, who had the idea for this, anyway? Even the Devil couldn't think of something so terrible! [A bolt of lightning hails the appearance of Bennett the Sage in a black cape and gloves as Stokowski's version of "Night on Bald Mountain" and the sound of crackling fire begin playing in the background]

Bennett the Sage/Devil: Funny you should mention that...

Nostalgia Critic: Sage?

Bennett the Sage/Devil: Yes.

Nostalgia Critic: You're... you're the Devil?

Bennett the Sage/Devil: [Chuckles] Really, who else could it be?

Nostalgia Critic: Well, OK, fair enough, but what the hell are you doing here?

Bennett the Sage/Devil: Well, I've come to explain this unholy abomination that you humans call "Care Bears."

Nostalgia Critic: Really? So you're the one who created "Care Bears," huh? Why the hell would you do that? That's harmless!

Bennett the Sage/Devil: No, Critic. There are several subconscious messages that are being planted in little children's minds.

Nostalgia Critic: Like what?

Bennett the Sage/Devil: Well, for example, notice how the Caretakers leave the children behind with these two little delinquents looking after them? Well this is to show that being a deadbeat parent is OK.

Nostalgia Critic: No kidding!

Bennett the Sage/Devil: And abandoning your children who can't take care of themselves to be raised by other children who can't take care of themselves is the way of the future. Also notice how the Care Bears always use magic to solve their problems. Well this is to show the little children that the black arts are the path toward life and should be used in more everyday occurrences.

Nostalgia Critic: Good Lord, are there more subconscious messages like this?

Bennett the Sage/Devil: [Chuckles] You have no idea! [Voice changes to something much more sinister-sounding] I'm the Devil! THE DEVIL! [Laughs maniacally]

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, well your head looks like it's coming out of a vagina.

Bennett the Sage/Devil: [Stops laughing but still in his evil voice] Hey! This is stylish!

• [planning to save Christy]

Cheer Bear: We care.

Care Bears: [chanting "We Care"]

True Heart Bear: [to the audience] If you have ever cared, do it now. Help us. Tell us you care. [cut to Nostalgia Critic putting his hands on his heart] Tell your friend next to you that... [cut back to movie] ...you care. [back to NC with an emotional face] Tell them how much you care. [back to movie] Tell them again! Say it! [back to NC almost ready to cry while the camera zooms in on him] Shout it! [back to movie] Help us! [back to NC almost ready to burst while camera zooms in on him]

Care Bears: We care!

True Heart Bear: We care.

Nostalgia Critic: I BELIEVE IN SANTA CHRIST!!

Santa Christ: What?!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, nothing. Sorry. Um... force of habit.

Santa Christ: Oh. Okay. [laughs, then sighs] [bleep]in' Bears!

Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] I know the feeling.

Dungeons and Dragons

• Nostalgia Critic: Guys... you are in for a treat. This is one of those special... special films that only comes around once in a while. A film that should make me angry to my BOILING POINT but is just so awful, it's pretty much wonderful. It is a wonderful movie. [Beat] [I'm] so anxious to get to it I don't even want to waste any time, so... this is "Dungeons and Dragons." [The title screen appears] Much like "The Room", "Troll 2" or the endless library of Schwarzenegger movies, "Dungeons and Dragons" is one of those rare films that simply gets everything wrong. The casting is wrong, the writing is wrong, the story is wrong, the effects are wrong... [Cut to a scene from "The Producers"]

Max Bialystock: Where did I go right?

Nostalgia Critic: ...and this strange combination somehow turns out a beautiful, beautiful butterfly of absolute horrible-ness. It's a bad film of epic proportions and we're gonna look at it today. Get ready to slap your head in confusion until it goes numb! This is "Dungeons and Dragons."

• [After the first appearance of Jeremy Irons' character]

Nostalgia Critic: So this delightful dish of ham and cheese is our villain, the evil sorcerer Profion. [Pauses] Profion, hmm, sorta sounds like a heartburn medication, doesn't it? [The Critic's voice starts to imitate Profion's] Are you tired of orgasm-ing every scene you're in? Why don't you try the mystical wonders of Profion? [A box of the drug appears next to Irons' face boasting "Treats Frequent Heartburn!" and "Winner of 7 Razzie Awards"] It's magic in a tiny tablet! Side effects may include [The following are listed on the screen] over-acting, mugging and inability to pick good movies. Ya-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!

• [Imagining how Marlon Wayans landed the part of Snails]

Nostalgia Critic: [Speaking into cell phone] What's that? Chris Tucker isn't able to do it? [Puts down cell phone] Alright, let's go to the Wayans Wheel... [A multi-colored wheel showing the names Damon, Shawn, Keenan, Kim, Dopey, Tito, Prancer and Marlon is spun, which lands on Marlon] CALL MARLON!

• [Summarizing the story so far]

Nostalgia Critic: Alright, so if I got this right, they have to get the red scepter in order to control the red dragons, but first they have to find this ruby called the Eye of the Dragon which opens the door that leads to the red scepter. But the Eye of the Dragon can only be gotten in this den of thieves which is ruled by this guy. He won't give you the Eye of the Dragon unless you defeat this evil maze which nobody has ever conquered. [Footage from the movie is suddenly replaced with stills from "The Legend of Zelda"] But before you can do that, you have to trade your rupees with the old man in order to upgrade your sword. Once you find the secret passage, you can then work your way through the forest, defeat the evil dragon, get the Triforce of Power that—yeah, yeah, you get the idea.

• Nostalgia Critic: We then cut to Profion and the Empress -- whose dress looks like it's trying to eat her -- as we see them take part in the most important debate in this movie: [The Critic's voice deepens as the following text is dramatically displayed on the screen] Under-acting vs. Over-acting. [Voice reverts back to normal and looks to his right as if addressing the Mage] Profion, make your case for over-acting.

Profion: I ask you one last time: will you submit to the ruling of this council?!

Nostalgia Critic: Yes, yes. [Now looking to his left as if addressing the Empress] Now Empress, make your case for under-acting.

Savina: And as Empress... this is how I decree Izmer shall be run from this... day... forward.

Nostalgia Critic: Hmm, well that certainly was terrible. Profion, let me hear your over-acting again.

Profion: Is now not the time we should act?! [The crowd roars in agreement] Then down with the tyrants!

Nostalgia Critic: Mhmm, and Empress, your under-acting?

Savina: You would find the wisdom to see that the path I propose for Izmer is the right one.

Nostalgia Critic: Hmm, over?

Profion: Relinquish your scepter!

Nostalgia Critic: Under?

Savina: The man who convinced you to take the scepter from me—

Nostalgia Critic: Well, I don't see any point in choosing. You're both equally terrible!

Profion: [Claps twice] A wonderful performance.

Nostalgia Critic: That's a lie and you know it.

• Nostalgia Critic: So Norda tells the Empress the situation through, get a load of this. A Magic Mirror.

Norda: I have unfortunate news to report. It seems Profion also seeks the Rod.

Savina: Seeks Damodor out. We need that Rod.

Norda: As you wish. [Norda bows and closes her eyes; she then fades away as the Mirror's face from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs appears in fire]

Mirror: You know, she's prettier than you.

Top 11 Dumbest Spiderman Moments

• Nostalgia Critic: And the #1 Dumbest Spider-man Moment is... the dance scene. Yeah, I may like "Spider-man 3," but anyone can tell you that this the Dumbest. Thing. Ever. It breaks the movie, it changes everything, it sucks out any amount of seriousness you were going for. Lemme tell ya, when people saw this poster and they saw this trailer, this is not what they were expecting to see. This is straight-up Jerry Lewis, right out of "The Nutty Professor." Even by "Spider-man" movie standards this is too silly. It's like if Superman got on stage and tap danced, [Cut to a Photoshopped picture of just that] or if Wolverine went to a burlesque and did the can-can, [Cut to another corresponding picture] or if [The infamous Bat Credit Card is shown] NO! THAT DID NOT HAPPEN! But what bothered me personally about this scene is the scene that follows. We go from something so silly and so over-the-top to Peter hitting his girlfriend and then crouched over a church. Now obviously, this is your big emotional moment of the movie, but a few seconds ago it was followed by this. That doesn't work! You can't throw all those things together one after another. [Cut to the Critic dancing in his chair, then punching something off-screen.] I'm a monster! [lightning strikes] I mean look at this! If I just showed you this without any context, would you ever guess that this was from a "Spider-man" movie? No, you'd say it was an outtake from the movie "Chicago"... except even "Chicago" wouldn't be this silly! For many people, this is what killed "Spider-man 3" for them. This was the step that went too far. They could survive some of the plot holes, they could even survive Emo Peter, but they couldn't survive this. It was too cartoony, too out-of-nowhere and too far removed from anything that people would consider "Spider-man."

The Lost World - Jurassic Park

• [As Malcolm's daughter asks to go someplace safer than their trailer]

Nostalgia Critic: Yes, listen to the girl! She's the only one who knows what she's talking about! In fact, let's start taking bets about who's gonna die in this movie. You got annoying blabbermouth Jeff Goldblum, idiot scientist Julianne Moore, not-such-a-badass badass Vince Vaughn, or pudgy doughy guy who's only had eight lines. [All four of their pictures are lined up left to right under the Critic's face] Tell me, folks, who do ya think is gonna die? [Red circles appear over Goldblum, Moore and Vaughn's faces with a "Ding!" sound] Let me emphasize that this is who you think is gonna die, not who you wish was going to die— [Another "Ding!" and the doughy guy quickly becomes the only one with a circle over his picture] there you go.

Return Of The Nostalgic Commercials

• [During a commercial for a line of "Aliens"-inspired action figures]

Announcer: Send in the ultimate space marine, Atax!

Nostalgia Critic: Wait, wait, wait... [Trails off] The "ultimate space marine" is named "Atax"? It sounds like discount tampons you get at the dollar store.

Announcer: Atax, disguised in his big, bad bug suit!

Kid: He sneaks in!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh really? An alien disguise suit? Why didn't they think of that before?! [Starts impersonating a commanding officer giving a speech to the marines from "Aliens," complete with shots from the movie] "Alright, marines, here's the plan: we are going to dress up in alien costumes -- get a buncha garbage bags and the world's biggest dildos -- and we are gonna sneak in to the aliens' nest. They don't have any eyes, so they'll never be able to spot us. Any questions?" [Hudson is shown raising his hand] "Yes, Hudson."

Hudson: [From "Aliens"] How do I get outta this chickenshit outfit?

Nostalgia Critic: [Still as the officer] "Shut up!"

• [A 900 number comes up. This one features two sock puppets]

Pirate Sock Puppet: Hey, whatchoo gonna do today, Marty?

Marty the Sock Puppet: I'm gonna call 976-7777

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, Jesus, how many of these call numbers were there?! This one doesn't even look like it's trying!

Marty the Sock Puppet: They're gonna tell me a great story every day.

Pirate Sock Puppet: I'm gonna ask my parents if it's okay if I call 976-7777.

Marty the Sock Puppet: Naw, me first!

Pirate Sock Puppet: Me first! [they begin fighting each other]

Nostalgia Critic: How much you wanna bet this was just a local pedophile who got on public access and wanted to hear children's voices? In fact, who do you think is on the other end, anyway?

[Cuts to Nostalgia Critic listening to someone talking on his cell phone. The voice is that of Herbert the pedophile from Family Guy]

Herbert: [voice] That's a nice muscley throwing arm you got there. You know, if you get sweaty and wanna take your shirt off, that'd be just fine.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, you are sick, man! You are sick!

Herbert: [voice] Don't you mouth off to me or I'm gonna slap you right in your penis.

[Nostalgia Critic yelps in fear and throws phone on the floor]

Herbert: [voice] Mmmm.

• Singer: [Singing] You've got your sunrise, you caught a prize. You, your mate and your Johnson.

Nostalgia Critic: [Confused] What?

Singer: You caught a prize. You, your mate and your Johnson.

Nostalgia Critic: [Still confused] ...What?

Singer: Party nights, summer whites. You, your friends and your Johnson. [Cut to a scene from "The Big Lebowski"]

The Dude: ...Johnson?

Singer: Saturday nights, distant lights. You, your girl and your Johnson.

Nostalgia Critic: WHOA! HEY! KEEP IT CLEAN! Disturbing commercial -- does it get any creepier than that?

Singer: Rooster tails, water trails. You, your kids and your Johnson. [The Critic sits with his mouth silently agape before being interrupted by the elderly pedophile from "Family Guy" from earlier in the review]

Herbert's Voice: I'munna slap you right in your penis!

Nostalgia Critic: Shut up!

Announcer: You and your Johnson. A way of life for over fifty years.

Nostalgia Critic: And then your wife found out what you were doing with your Johnson and... well, let's just say you and your Johnson won't be hanging out with any kids anymore. Commercials like this do make you wonder, though: are they aware what's going on? I don't know, I almost think they planned this so that people will talk about their product more, like they meant for it to have a double meaning. But I don't know, maybe I'm sounding like a conspiracy nut. I mean, can you think of any other commercial that can be taken the wrong way so easily? [Cuts to another commercial]

Fisherman: Just wait 'til you see what I've got. [Grabs a box] It's the Wunder Boner! [Cut to the Critic's stunned face with dramatic music]

Inspector Gadget: The Movie

• Nostalgia Critic: Let's talk about "Inspector Gadget". It was a show in the 1980s about a half-human, half-robot detective. [Cut to the poster for "RoboCop"] Uh, hehe, no. This one was funny. [Cut to a poster for "RoboCop 3"] Intentionally funny! It centered around the inspector's bumbling antics to stop the super-villain named Dr. Claw, while Gadget's young niece Penny and a dog named Brain would go behind his back and solve the crime for him. It wasn't anything special, but for kids it wasn't that bad. It had a smart, humble role model who never got the credit but was just happy to see justice done, it had a menacing villain you never saw who had a pretty intimidating voice...

Dr. Claw: Well, well, what a delightful surprise!

Nostalgia Critic: ...and of course it had that kick-ass song.

Theme Song: Go Gadget go! Go Gadget go!

Nostalgia Critic: Doing a movie on this premise, however, would be tricky, but not impossible. Great care would have to be taken. Let's see, um... I know! Let's get that idiot who said "That's a lotta fish!" from "Godzilla"! And while we're at it, why don't we get that moron who ruined Madonna's career! [Cut to a picture of Guy Ritchie with the text "Guy Ritchie?" beneath it] No, the other one. [Cut to a picture of Rupert Everett with his own text underneath] There ya go! And finally, let's get one of the greatest directors of all time, the one who directed the coming-of-age classic... "Cool as Ice". I smell genius!

• [As Officer Brown gives chase to Sanford Scolex (a.k.a. Dr. Claw) in his car]

Scolex: Oh no. We're being chased by the Hatchback Squad.

Nostalgia Critic: Um, were you meaning to keep Dr. Claw in the shadows? 'Cause you are aware you're revealing him quite clearly right now... [Deploying an oil slick behind him, Scolex causes Brown's car to flip over and crash into a billboard] Now he's back in the shadows again—are we just supposed to forget you revealed him right there?! I mean, we saw him! There's no surprise now! We know what he looks like! Why put him back in the shadows if you just showed his face?! I mean, it's sort of like starting off the original "Star Wars" movie with... [Cut to a scene from the beginning of "A New Hope"]

Princess Leia: The Imperial Senate will not sit still for this. When they hear you've attacked a diplomatic—

Darth Vader: [Being dubbed over with what's obviously the Critic's voice] Don't talk back to me, young lady. That is no way to speak to your father. [Beat] Oh. Shit. You're not supposed to know that yet. Um, just forget that part, everybody! Tooootally not important! Hehehehe, uh Carrie, help.

Princess Leia: I don't know what you're talking about.

Darth Vader: [Still with the Critic's dubbed-over voice] Good! Good! Go with that! Take her away! [The stormtroopers take her away as Vader walks away in the other direction] Dodged a bullet.

• Nostalgia Critic: So Gadget gets caught and Claw reveals his evil plan. along with probably the worst fourth wall joke you will ever see.

Inspector Gadget: I don’t what you’re up to, Scolex, but you’ll never get away with it.

Dr. Claw: Hehehehahaha, oh how cliché, Inspector, hm. I think somebody’s been watching too many Saturday morning cartoons. (ding sound effect, followed by everyone glaring at the camera) Unfortunately, Gadget...

Nostalgia Critic: Woooow...terrible! I mean, ungodly half-assed. No effort was put into that, at all. That has got to be the WORST fourth wall joke in a movie since...

Gadget Mobile: It’s a Disney movie!

Nostalgia Critic: THAT ONE!

Old vs. New: Karate Kid

• Nostalgia Critic: "The Karate Kid" -- a hokey, but still pretty effective sports film -- centered around a kid named Daniel, who moved from Jersey to the Valley and keeps getting his ass whooped by a group of karate experts named Cobra— [Cut to a shot of the Cobra Commander from the original "G.I. Joe" cartoon and a dubbed voice impersonating him]

Cobra Commander: COBRAAAA!!!

Nostalgia Critic: ...Kai.

Cobra Commander: Oh...well, could you ever do an "Old vs. New" with us and the "G.I. Joe" movie?

Nostalgia Critic: The movie loses.

Cobra Commander: AWESOOOOME!!!

Langoliers, The

• Nostalgia Critic: [In a "Twilight Zone"-style opening spoofing Rod Serling's narration with clips from Stephen King film adaptations in the background] You're entering a world of awkwardness. A world of overused characters and clichés. A world where hammy acting is rewarded, and terrible effects are the norm. A world where plot devices are either over-explained, or not explained enough. Behind that door is a river of blood. Behind that door are two scary little girls. Behind that door a shitty remake that fucks it all up. You're about to enter... the Stephen King Miniseries. [Ducks as the title comes at him]
• [As director Tom Holland makes a cameo appearance]

Nostalgia Critic: Now you might be wondering why I know who Tom Holland is. Well I did a little research and found out that he directed such movies as "Child's Play" and "Fright Night". [Beat] Why does this matter? It doesn't! It doesn't matter at all. They were silly movies then, and they're silly movies now. [The Critic pretends to answer a question being presumably asked by a viewer, whose voice takes the form of trumpet "wah-wahs" like Mrs. Othmar in the "Charlie Brown" cartoons] What's that? Why am I bringing it up then? Well, I guess I'm wondering why his name takes up TWO THIRDS OF THE CREDITS! [Points to the credits on the back of the miniseries' VHS case] I mean, holy shit! His name is huge! You've got all these other people... [Waves them off with dismissive noises] who cares? TOM HOLLAND! OUTLINED IN SHINY, METALLIC LETTERING! It's bigger than Stephen King's name! Well, I guess if this is the same guy who brought us this... [Cues up a clip from "Fright Night"]

Evil Ed: Dinner's in the oven! Mmmmm mmmmm!

Nostalgia Critic: ...we're in good hands.

• Craig Toomey: [Standing in a wide-angle close-up] I have an important BUSINESS MEETING THIS MORNING IN BOSTON AT 9 O'CLOCK!!!

Nostalgia Critic: [In wide-angle close-up] MY WIDE-ANGLE LENS...IS ABOUT...TO BURST!!!

• [As the Langoliers eat up the airport beneath the passengers' now-airborne jet]

Bob Jenkins: We know what happens to today when it becomes yesterday. It waits for them -- the timekeepers of eternity. Always following behind... cleaning up the mess in the most efficient way possible: by eating it.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, yeah, I guess you can't argue there. It really is the most efficient way possible: sending giant elephant turds with chainsaw teeth to eat up every half-second of time. Boy, God must've been really fucking baked when He came up with that idea! [Cut to a cloudy backdrop with heavenly-sounding music playing and what's obviously the Critic in a white wig and beard]

"God": And thus, when all time passes you will see... giant ape testicles that eat up the world like a tuna sandwich! [The music stops playing, followed by a very awkward pause]

Off-screen Voice: Sorry, could you repeat that—

"God": WRITE IT DOWN!

• Doug Walker: [After the credits; whispering] Hey, you guys, since you've been so nice and waited after the credits, we have a special little thing for you. The "That Guy with the Glasses" vol. 2 DVD is coming out. It has all sorts of good sorts. It has, uh, a new Ask that Guy, a new Bum Review of Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, uh, a new How to Be A Pirate, and two-- count 'em-- TWO Nostalgia Critics. Two NEW ones! Yes, that's right. It has, uh, uh, uh, a review of a video game by a-- by, yeah, you gotta get to get it in order to say what video game. [Shushes viewer] And it also has a review of Reefer Man. It's a classical film. It's wonderful, wonderful. But why am I telling you this? I'm telling you this because you stayed after the credits. You're good viewers. You can pre-order it now. Pre-orders start March 16th and we'll ship them out March 27th. That's right, you get to see them before anyone else does, it's unbelievable! Now, when the DVD actually does come out, we'll have a commercial, we'll let you know, but this is for the people who [voice getting higher] waited until the end credits because you're so wonderful! Yes, you're so wonderful, I love you so much! [normal voice; still whispering] So go, go. There's a link under there (Points down, as if pointing below the video], you can get it. Go, go. You don't have to go. Yes, you do. [Yelling] GO NOW!!! [Cameraman yelps in fear]

Airborne

• Nostalgia Critic: Remember how I did those reviews of late 80's/early 90's commercials? You know the ones I said sort of existed in their own cheesy little world? Well what if there existed an entire movie like that? [A woman's prolonged scream is heard off-screen] Yes, indeed, and I betcha anything it would be called "Airborne." [The film's title screen is shown] I mean it: this whole movie is like a huge commercial for... itself. Aside from being another movie Seth Green and Jack Black won't put on their resumé, "Airborne" is a film I can only describe as "extreme generic-ness." And when I say "extreme" I mean EXTREME! [His voice deepens, gets louder and is accompanied by yellow text of the word on-screen] Because in the 90's, everything was EXTREME [This repeats every subsequent time he says the word] and this film is no exception. This film has EXTREME-ly lame characters, EXTREME-ly bad storylines and EXTREME-ly embarrassing 90's clichés. So, does that make it incredibly stupid? EXTREMELY!
• Mitchell: You know, it's funny. You get so busy fightin' over waves that you never get a chance to enjoy the ocean. Life's too short for that.

Nikki: So if you're not into fighting, what are you into?

Mitchell: I like the smell of the ocean, purple sunsets and surfin' in the rain.

Nikki: You're a poet.

Mitchell: Nah, I just know what I like. [Cuts away to the Critic's utterly disgusted facial expression]

Nostalgia Critic: I know, I heard it, too. Here's Bruce Campbell killing something to offset it. [Cuts to a scene from "Evil Dead 2"]

Ash: Swallow this. [Blows off Henrietta's head with a shotgun blast]

Baby Geniuses

• [As Whit begins to cry]

Nostalgia Critic: OK, however you got this kid to cry, it wasn't worth it. Nothing you did to this kid to make him cry was worth "Baby Fucking Geniuses." He should be out playing or, I don't know, being a baby! Whatever you had to do -- squeeze his foot, pull a hair, I don't care -- whatever made him fucking cry, it wasn't worth this goddamn abomination! [Cut to footage of the Critic walking around Animarathon] And then it suddenly hits me: babies can't act. They're not supposed to act. They're fucking babies! It never looks like they know what they're saying in this movie -- it's just babies being babies and they throw some dialogue over it. It's basically just freakin' home movies with a budget! Why make an entire movie around something that can't act? Why didn't the director know any better? Why did anybody green-light this? [The Critic's face is now contorted in rage and his inner voice raises to a shout] Why did anybody think there were any possibilities for this film?! [He suddenly stops and stares at something to his left, which turns out to be a wall] My God! I've found peace! [Cut to the Critic's placid expression] Just looking at this wall is giving me so much more than this movie ever could. It's giving me little, but it's taking away nothing... unlike "Baby Geniuses." [Cuts back to the wall] I'm... hypnotized by it. [Suddenly looks away from it] Avert your eyes from its brilliance. There is so much more to recollect...

X-Men Cartoon, The

• Nostalgia Critic: And then we see everyone's favorite badass himself...

Gambit: There you are, Wolverine!

Nostalgia Critic: I mean it, nobody tops this guy in badass-ity. How badass is he? His voice is a mix between the Dark Knight and Popeye, and yet he's still badass.

Wolverine: I go where I wanna go.

Nostalgia Critic: He hops around in yellow spandex in a poorly cut Mickey Mouse hat, and yet he's still badass. He gets an Australian Broadway dancer to play him in the movie, and yet he's still badass. He can strike this pose [Wolverine is shown tackling Gambit from behind in a mildly suggestive moment] -- which I'm comedically going to play back and forth right now -- and yet, HE'S STILL FUCKING BADASS! [His voice deepens and corresponding text appears on-screen] In fact, I put it to you: has there ever been anything Wolverine-related that has not been entirely badass— [Cut to a poster for "X-Men Origins: Wolverine"] YEAH, BUT HE WAS BADASS IN IT!

The Magic Voyage

• [After seeing the Swarm Lord]

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah! Remember THIS from the History books? Magic light, insect armies, lord swarm? Maybe this is the history of how the SMURFS DISCOVERED AMERICA BUT CAN WE HEAR THE DAMN STORY ABOUT CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS?!

• [Christopher Columbus pulls a spyglass from his penis)

Nostalgia Critic: WHOA! WAIT A MINUTE! What the hell? Did he just pull that spyglass out of his gonads? [Shows that same shot] HE DID! He just pulled that spyglass out of his nuts! Wha-je-ga-dah-pe-WHAT'S THE POINT OF THAT?! How did THAT ever get past German censorship?! Don't they have any shame?!

[Shows the same shot, this time with a boing sound effect and a weird laugh made by Beavis and Butthead]

Nostalgia Critic: It's only for a second, but it's just so troublingly confusing. I mean, what do you call that?

[Shows us a clip from the Wonder Boner commercial]

Man 1: The Wonder Boner!

Man 2: My wife would like that.

Nostalgia Critic: OKAY! OKAY! Just forget I mentioned it!

• [After the dream sequence]

Nostalgia Critic: So...after that incredibly important scene, we cut to the next night. Where it seems the crew still thinks Columbus is crazy, simply because he talks to a woodworm and says a firefly princess needs rescuing, and they try to do him in. But he sings a song on an accordion and that seems to make everything okay.

[Scene of Christopher Columbus dancing about while playing an accordion and singing]

Christopher Columbus: Ooooo, the life at sea is a life for me, no la no la lo me, la la la la la la la la!

Nostalgia Critic: Well, I guess this is a clear sign that their captain isn't totally insane. Me...I think he's as valid as Captain-fucking-Kangaroo, but hey: different strokes different folks!

• Nostalgia Critic: So Pico and Marilyn get back together and we see the natives of this land. Oh, this oughtta be rich!

Native Chief: You've stolen our idol, destroyed our sacred temple and... you've made squishy with the swarm. How can we ever thank you?

Nostalgia Critic: That's right! The Native Americans were honoring the Swarm Lord all this time and made a giant Aztec temple to honor him. What, did you think they lived in tepees or something? Pffffff, you're a fucking dumbass!

Native Chief: You've made squishy with the swarm. How can we ever thank you?

Nostalgia Critic: [As Columbus] The land. Hand it over.

Double Team

• [As the film's climax draws near]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God! We have Mickey Rourke on a mine in the middle of a minefield with a ferocious tiger in a coliseum with Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dennis Rodman, Belloq, and a baby in a basket. [Beat] If this does not deliver the most fucking epic imagery I have ever seen in my entire life, I have lost all hope in mankind. [Beat, then exhales] Let's see what happens. [The climax's events all transpire as the Critic is seen raising his arms and screaming hysterically before falling silent at its conclusion] WHOO! BEST DEATH EVAH! [Corresponding text appears onscreen] WHOO! Okay, alright, I'll go back and talk about that entire scene but... OH MY FUCKING GOD! First of all, look at Mickey Rourke's face. He just knows that if he's gonna go out, he has to go out with a fucking tiger eatin' him while he's being blown up alive! Clearly, there's no other option! [The scene is replayed, but with an audio clip from "The Nightmare Before Christmas"]

Jack's Voice: Well, I may as well give them what they want...

Nostalgia Critic: Second, we have a whole coliseum going up in flames, and yet they still manage to get their product placements in there. Hell, they're literally throwing them at us! Third, with all these explosions and all this fire, it's hiding behind a Coke machine that saves the day. I—that's a new one. That's a new—ya know, okay, I'm not usually aware when I'm starting an Internet meme, but by God—this has to be an Internet meme! It is far too good! Okay, there was jumping the shark, nuking the fridge -- ladies and gentlemen, this is "Frying the Coke"! This is the ultimate in awesomely and laughably implausible! [Exhales again, then lights up a cigarette and sits back in his chair] Ahhh! We might as well end it here, folks. I'm not gonna top that!

Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress

• Nostalgia Critic: #2... Princess Peach. I could punch this broad in the face -- really I could! How many times has this whore been kidnapped? Haven't they upped the security yet so that it doesn't happen anymore? And every time it does happen, she just keeps her pretty little smile! "Teeheeheehee—" Fuck you, bitch! I'm risking my life for you for the twentieth fucking time! And don't you dare insult me by saying you're gonna bake me a cake! No no, you give me a position of power, you fucking bimbo! I know more about this kingdom than you do! You see, I've been through it, like, a million times! You can't even stay around long enough to remember what it's called! I'm runnin' the show now, Peach! [The Critic cocks his gun and points it at the viewer] I'm runnin' the show! I don't know, I think it's just the attitude -- the fact that she has no problem that you have to save her all the time. It just never seems to faze her, she never seems to feel bad. In fact, listen to this note that they have in the Mario Brothers Wii game: "Dear Mario, Because of my most recent kidnapping—" "Recent kidnapping"?! What is this, just another day at the store for you?! It doesn't even faze you anymore! You go out there and risk your life, whore! It ain't easy! The other thing that annoys me is just that she never does anything. She just smiles and gets caught -- that's it. Oh, wait, there was "Mario 2" where she could friggin' fly in the air -- that was really cool. But guess what? That was a dream! It never happened! So that literally means she has contributed nothing in any of the Mario games. OK, ya got "Smash Brothers" and "Mario Party" and so forth, but come on, they're just go-karting and playing games. Hell, she uses a frying pan as a weapon! A frying pan and her butt! These are what women in the 40s use as weapons, are you fucking serious?! Next you'll be telling me her main weapon in a game is crying! [Cut to a game-play clip from "Super Princess Peach" during which Peach uses her Gloom power to cry] ...I hate you.
• Nostalgia Critic: And the absolute biggest Dumbass in Distress is... Bella from "Twilight". This has to be the most selfish, male-depending, uncaring, manipulative, self-centered, pretentious, idiotic, whining little bitch-bag you will EVER SEE IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE! And honestly, that wouldn't be too bad a character, that'd be very, very interesting IF IT WAS INTENTIONAL! But it's not! Bella is supposed to represent the everyday teenage girl. If that's the case, then the story really got mixed up who the blood-sucking monster is! She thinks she's tortured, even though really she has no problems. She gets a crush on a boy and decides she wants to marry him, even though she's not even out of high school yet. She wants to be turned into a vampire, which everyone has said is throwing her life away. But of course, at the enlightening age of 17, she already knows exactly what she wants! Aren't you glad you followed through with every bright idea you had at 17? Aren't you glad you totally committed to something that you knew you could never make a mistake on at that age? Oh yeah -- 17! Nobody ever fucks up at that age! The boyfriend tries to leave her so that he can save her, but she constantly keeps throwing herself off cliffs and putting herself in danger just so he can notice her! Good fucking God! That's right, girls! If your boyfriend leaves you, do exactly this! I assure you it won't backfire in the least! Sure you might be dead, but that'll teach him! She then gets another boy involved, who actually seems supportive and attentive, but she dumps him because the other guy looks at her weird. And by God, how can she turn down a guy with no personality that just looks at her weird? Again, one of those brilliant choices you make at 17! So now, a whole war is going on all because of her and everyone is going out of their way to try and protect her and she's simply like "Yeah, that's cool." Oh wait, she does try to say once that she's not worth it, but that only lasts a few seconds. She then realizes that she is worth it and is totally on board with having muscle boys carry her around everywhere. And just as her boyfriend finally agrees to marry her -- imagine, a boy being pressured into marriage -- she dicks around with the other guy yet again! Oh my God, I mean, Oh! My! God! I have never seen a character more needy and more insecure. She is such a dumbass in distress, that it's actually kinda scary. She is a scary character! In another dimension, maybe she could've been a great Shakespeare villain -- this really complex, developed, psychotic mind. But as the common, everyday relatable girl that we're all supposed to identify with? She is, and always shall be, the biggest Dumbass in Distress. I'm the Nostalgia Critic and... pray for these boys, people. [Shows images of Edward and Jacob side by side] Pray for them.

Jaws 4 - The Revenge

• [As Jake and Michael have an idea of how to get rid of the shark]

Jake: This is all theory, though. If it responds to external electrical impulse, it might respond to one coming from inside it. [Cut to a clip from the first "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" cartoon]

Donatello: According to the life force scan-alyzer, these rampaging creatures are from Dimension X.

Michael: We're bringin' in ten on this, we've got a slave unit that should shock the hell out of it.

Jake: Right! [Cut to a clip from "Batman and Robin"]

Batman: Sunlight could reverse the freezing process—

Robin: But it's morning in the Congo!

Jake: I'm riggin' the receiver. If it works, we get it inside that bastard and then we set it off. [Cut to a clip from "Star Trek: The Next Generation"]

Data: My positronic sub-processor detected high frequency interphasic signatures from the organisms.

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, the short version is a blinking light will make him mad, so that's what they try.

Gordy

• Nostalgia Critic: We're all aware of movie rip-offs, aren't we? [The following films are compared side-by-side as he makes his point: "Transformers" with "Transmorphers", "Finding Nemo" with "The Reef", "High School Musical" with "Sunday School Musical" and "E.T." with "Mac and Me"] Whenever a big hit comes out, there's always an underground rip-off with a similar title to make people think it's somehow connected to the original, if not believing it's the original itself. For example, ya got "Babe" [The movie's poster appears on the Critic's left] and then ya got "Gordy". [Its poster appears on his right, which he addresses the following to] Oh, you nasty rip-off of a movie, you! How dare you try to take the good, wholesome decency that this film created and you try to cash in on it! Oh, you're a despicable movie! Despicable! Despicable! [The Critic is presumably interrupted by a viewer, whose voice takes the form of trumpet "wah-wahs" like Mrs. Othmar in the "Charlie Brown" cartoons] What? [More "wah-wahs"] "Gordy" came out first? [Another "wah"] Um, OK, let's, uh, switch 'em up then... [The two movies' posters switch places and he addresses the "Babe" poster instead] D'oh, you nasty movie! Nasty nasty "Babe"! How dare you try to rip off... "Gordy"?
• Nostalgia Critic: They [the clumsy bad guy's agents] try to track down Hanky and the pig though, by following the bus wherever it goes. But luckily they escape because the thugs get distracted by a cross-dressing madman with pantyhose on his head robbing a thrift store. Now... I'm gonna repeat that... Because it bears repeating... A crossdressing madman, with pantyhose on his head, red pantyhose mind you, robbing a thrift store.
• Jinnie Sue: [Lifts blanket to talk to Gordy] Goodnight, Pinky.

Nostalgia Critic: [As father] Girl, did you say "goodnight" to your vagina? Don't make me force the Bible on somethin' I find confusin'!

• Louis Rukeyser: Tell us, Gordy, as the new darling of Main Street and Wall Street, what are your views on the outlook for the American economy?

Gordy: [Pig squeals]

Nostalgia Critic: [As Louis] Ha ha ha, that's very good, Gordy. Heh heh. Now, if you'll excuse me, my professional career as a journalist is over. [Grabs gun and presses it to his temple]

The OTHER Animated Titanic Movie

• [The review begins with the Critic's real brother, Rob Walker, coming into their home dressed in a black robe and wearing make-up]

Rob: Well great, Nostalgia Critic! The entire costume party was ruined! I thought we agreed that you were gonna be Darth Vader and I was going to be the shadowy puppet master dark overlord that controls you, just like in real life? [He finds the Critic in a Vader costume and his tie sprawled out on the floor] Nostalgia Critic! [He kneels down and picks up a DVD case labeled "The OTHER Animated Titanic Movie" as the Critic moans and rises up in a spoof of "Revenge of the Sith", then Rob's voice starts to imitate Emperor Palpatine's] Nostalgia Critic, can you hear me?

Nostalgia Critic: [Imitating Vader's voice in turn] Yes, my brother. I apologize, I passed out after I thought I heard news that there was another animated Titanic movie.

Rob: Oh, but I'm afraid in your rage you have forgotten that there is another Titanic movie... [The Critic spins around to face him] ...and it is your job to review it.

Nostalgia Critic: It can't be! I reviewed it already! [They both get to their feet] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Rob: [Curtly] Yes.

[The movie's title screen is shown]

Nostalgia Critic: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it appears there's ANOTHER feature-length rip-off of James Cameron's "Titanic". I can't believe I live in a world where two of these exist. And you'd think that'd be bad enough, but if you can possibly comprehend this, it is actually WORSE than the other version. Yes. There is actually something out there worse than this! [Cuts to a clip of the rapping dog from his earlier review of an animated "Titanic" movie]

Rapping Dog: Party time! It's party time! Everybody's feeling fine 'cause it's party time!

Nostalgia Critic: I know it's hard to believe, but this actually is more terrible than the rapping dog. So, what abomination of hell could possibly make it into the human world? [Drags up the giant bottle of Jägermeister from the earlier review] Let's find out.

• Nostalgia Critic: Can you see why this is worse than the other one? I mean, the animation is better, but...this goes from stupid to disgustingly insulting. Just the idea that people took this tragedy and turned it into such a lame ploy to save the whales is mindboggling! The Titanic story has nothing to do with whales, so why'd you make that connection? It's insulting to history, it's insulting to children's intelligence, and it's straight up insulting to the people who died! Honestly, it's sort of hard to watch; it's so horrendous. I mean, it honestly makes this film look more realistic. The film with the rapping dog is actually closer to the real story of the Titanic! That is a new low for a kid's movie to sink! (Super: No pun intended) It's beyond shit, and my guess is it'll take days before you stop feeling unclean from it! My only hope is that people will finally learn their lesson and stop making animated spinoffs off this shit.

[An image of the animated sequel Tentacolino appears next to him]

Nostalgia Critic: (in Darth Vader's voice) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Revenge of the Commercials

• [During a commercial for a line of "Ghostbusters" toys, a blue ghost is seemingly inserted into one of the characters' behinds, making his torso spin rapidly]

Nostalgia Critic: [Scared pause] Am I the only one disturbed that that's possible anal rape? I mean, it's not like we didn't see the ghosts in the movies do something like this, so I find it very unnerving.

Child in Commercial: Funny guy, watch him scream! [The shot is replayed]

Nostalgia Critic: Hey, my body would do that too if Boo Berry was doing me from all sides! [The spinning is once again replayed] And now, because I don't know any better, the Top 10 Out of Context Ghostbuster Lines That Go With This Commercial! [Text displaying just that appears on screen, followed by a brief numbered countdown interspersed with corresponding clips from "Ghostbusters" and "Ghostbusters II" before which the commercial clip is replayed each time, starting with "10"]

Dr. Venkman: Well there's somethin' you don't see everyday. ["9"]

Winston: I have seen shit that'll turn you white! ["8"]

Dr. Venkman: You're not sleeping with it, are you, Ray? ["7"] You're scaring the straights! ["6"] He slimed me. ["5"]

Dr. Spengler: I think they're more interested in my epididymus. ["4"]

Dr. Venkman: We get this guy laid, we won't have any trouble! ["3"]

Dr. Poha: Why am I dripping with goo? ["2"]

Dr. Venkman: You don't want us exposing ourselves!

Nostalgia Critic: And the #1 best out-of-context "Ghostbuster" line to be associated with this commercial is...

Winston: That's a big Twinkie.

Nostalgia Critic: Play me off, Paul! [In a final call-back to an older review, he starts dancing as Paul Shaffer's band plays him off]

Once Upon a Forest

• [On the kindly old badger Cornelius]

Nostalgia Critic: He's played, as I've said before, by Broadway sensation Michael Crawford. Now some consider him a gifted musical genius. Others say he's pretentiously over the top. But one thing's for sure, though: he's a comedian's pot o' gold.

Cornelius: Prepare to be amazed! [He lets loose a small flying model of some sort from behind his desk, which swoops down and startles his Furling students] Well, what do you have to say?

Nostalgia Critic: [As one of the Furlings] You're lucky Gerard Butler sings worse than you?

Little Nemo

• Professor Genius: We have been sent here on a mission by King Morpheus, the King of Slumberland.

Nemo: King Morpheus? [Music from "The Matrix" starts playing before we cut to the Critic impersonating that movie's Morpheus, complete with a reflection of Nemo in his glasses]

Nostalgia Critic: If you take the blue pill, you'll wake up in your bed believing whatever you want to believe. If you take the red pill, you'll end up in Slumberland. [Pause] MACHIIIINES!

Old vs. New - True Grit

• Nostalgia Critic: First, let's look at our main character of the film... Mattie! Yeah, "Best Supporting Actress" my ass! She's the main character and we all know it! You're goin' first! [Cut to a clip from "The Big Lebowski"]

The Dude: Dude, come on!

Nostalgia Critic: SHUT UP!

• [On the supporting characters of the two films]

Nostalgia Critic: Again, kind of a tough call, but I think I'm gonna go with the remake. Why? Because it has the Bear Guy in it! I mean, who was that?! Where did he come from?! What's his story?! We'll never know, and by God it's killing us trying to find out!

Bear Man: Now I have taken his teeth / I will entertain an offer... for the rest of him. [Cut to a clip from "The Big Lebowski"]

The Dude: ...Far out.

Nostalgia Critic: That guy was awesome! Point goes to the new, I love the Bear Guy!

1969 LaBoeuf: I'm of a mind to give you five or six good licks with my belt!

Transformers 3 Review

• [After starting up a review of "Transformers 3", the Critic is summoned to court, where he finds himself side-by-side with another of Doug Walker's characters, Chester A. Bum]

Off-screen Judge: Court will come to order.

Chester A. Bum: Your Honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jur-nur-ma-ry. [Now turning to the Critic] Thief! I think we all know how my reviews go, and that clearly this charlatan is stealing from them! Now I may be an old-fashioned bum, but in my day, when somebody was stealing something, it was in the best nature to make that bastard pay!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh come on, the "Transformer" review was one of the first reviews I ever did, I was still discovering my identity. I do that kind of review every time a "Transformer" movie comes out -- it's tradition.

Chester A. Bum: You saw me mumbling that review to myself on the street and decided to steal it!

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, but I finally gave you a job doing all those reviews, didn't I? I mean, sure, our styles were similar back then, but as time went on I discovered that I was much more comfortable ripping off Lewis Black.

Chester A. Bum: Need I remind you that you have not done a traditional Nostalgia Critic review in weeks?! Even this court room scenario is just a clever way for you to be lazy!

Nostalgia Critic: [Gesturing to the background] Hey, these green screens are hard—

Chester A. Bum: Don't change the subject!

Nostalgia Critic: Anyway, need I remind you that I did an "Old vs. New" of "True Grit" recently?

Chester A. Bum: Those don't count! Anyway, everyone stopped listening to you after you said the new "Karate Kid" was better than the old!

Nostalgia Critic: Hey, that wasn't even Pat Morita's accent!

Milk Money

• [Taking issue with what he feels is the movie's flawed premise]

Nostalgia Critic: OK, here's the thing: if you wanna talk about a kid's sexual discovery, that's fine, but they're doing it in such a cutesy way. Do it in an adult movie -- this is not the right way to handle it. Oh, don't believe me? Don't believe me that it's overly sappy and cutesy? Well, let's take a look at the three kids here: ya got one kid always telling jokes, another kid who's concerned with being clean and the last kid who's obsessed with his leather jacket and good-looking hair. Sound familiar?! [Cuts to a clip from "Full House"] That's right! If you wanted to hear the equivalent of "Full House" talking about their sexual discoveries, get outta here before I KILL you!

Rad

• Nostalgia Critic: So the big race is here and Cru is finally ready for action. I sure hope this means watching the same people go around the same track about a dozen fucking times until I wish a bulldozer would run over my nuts on a pile of hot pokers. [A starter's pistol is fired]

Announcer: There's the gun!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh no, I was totally wrong! This is watching the same people go around the same track about a dozen fucking times until I wish a bulldozer would run over my nuts on a pile of hot pokers IN SLOW MOTION!!! By God, I never thought I would say this, but put on NASCAR! [Cru then performs a back flip]

Announcer: Oh my heart, a back flip! Hulk Hogan eat your heart out!

Nostalgia Critic: [Utterly confused] He would if this was wrestling, but it's not! It's biking, so that makes no sense.

Ducktales

• [After a plane carrying everyone begins to spiral out of the sky]

Nostalgia Critic: But thankfully, they have the Junior Woodchucks Guidebook that shows them how to fly a plane. And for those who don't know, this is the all-knowing plot device that has the answer for everything, like Penny's book from "Inspector Gadget", or Wilson from "Home Improvement", or the Code of the West from "C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa". [Cut to another room]

Chester A. Bum: Oh my God, you watched that?!

Nostalgia Critic: Hey, shut up! There was nothing else on in that time slot.

Chester A. Bum: Jesus Christ, I'm embarrassed for you!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh shut up!

Chester A. Bum: You shut up! Go ahead and watch Cowboy Cows, or... Cow Cows, or... Boy Cows, or... my God, I can't believe you actually watched that!

Nostalgia Critic: Are you done?

Chester A. Bum: NEVAAAAAAAAAAA— [The Critic grows tired of the conversation and uses a remote to switch back to his review]

Care Bears In Wonderland

• [The White Rabbit shows Swift Heart a picture of Alice]

White Rabbit: You and your friends must help me find this girl!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, you mean... Princess Peach? Yeah, there's no comparison -- it's fucking Princess Peach! And we find out later that she's been kidnapped by an evil monster in a magical land from a giant castle. Why is it fucking "Care Bears In Wonderland" is closer to a Super Mario Brothers movie than the actual "Super Mario Brothers" movie?! OK, OK, keep the review focused, we're hating this film!

Cop and a Half

• [On Burt Reynolds and his young co-star]

Nostalgia Critic: So they banter a bit, he acts annoying, he acts stupid, he thinks a purse is being stolen when really it's just a guy returning it to his wife -- it's pretty fucking boring. Hell, there's even a fruit stand they don't knock over. How can you call yourself a 1990s buddy cop movie and not knock over the goddamn fruit stand?! The one cliché you're supposed to follow and you fucked it up. Look at Reynolds -- he's supposed to be acting in this scene, but you know all he's thinking in his head is "God I wanna hit that fruit stand! God I wanna hit that fruit stand! Bam bam bam! Oranges flyin' everywhere!" But no, ya totally missed it. Hand over your badge, movie! You're suspended!

Top 11 Batman TAS Episodes

• [The episode opens with the Critic donning a vintage Batman cowl and imitating Michael Keaton's version of the character]

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm Batman. I remember it because I'm Batman. Today, we're gonna look at one of the greatest animated shows that ever hit television: "Batman: The Animated Series." And by the way, [Now lifting a line out of "Batman"] you weigh a little more than a hundred-and-eight— [Reverts to his normal voice] OK, I'm sorry, I-I can't do Keaton very well. Uh, let's try, uh, Christian Bale. [Clears his throat, then switches to Bale's infamous raspy voice and lifts a line from "The Dark Knight"] This cartoon just showed you that it's full of people READY TO BELIEVE IN GOOD! [Now back to his normal voice] OK, that's not gonna work. Uh, let's try, uh, Val Kilmer. [Clearing his throat and changing voices again, he lifts a line from "Batman Forever"] I'll get drive-through— [Back to his normal voice] OK, that's definitely not gonna happen. Uh, let's try George Clooney. [He merely sits in place for a few seconds, unable to come up with anything] Hi, I'm George Clooney. OK, fuck this shit! [Removes the cowl] I'm just doing it as myself. Yes, I've gone on record several times saying that "Batman: The Animated Series" is the best nostalgic show ever, as well as one of the best cartoons of all time. It was dark, it was tragic, it was funny, it was goofy, it was serious -- it had something for everybody. But which episodes were the absolute best? Which ones left the greatest impact on us, whether it be action-packed or dramatically heartbreaking? There's a lot to choose from and I promise I'll try to keep my spoilers to a minimum. Oh, except maybe this one: "BATMAN AND ROBIN" SUCKS! The only downside is I don't have any more Batmans to imitate. Oh, wait a minute -- Kevin Conroy! That's fitting! Hehe, hold on, let me just take some, uh, testosterone pills here. [Pops some pills into his mouth, then two loud "thuds" are heard a second later as the Critic looks down at his lap, and when he finally speaks again his voice is much deeper] Whoa, my testicles just hit the floor! This is the Top 11 Best Batman Animated Series Episodes. [Pauses, then lifts one more line from "The Dark Knight"] I don't wear hockey pads!

Alaska

• Nostalgia Critic: [describing Sean] Oh, and by the way, he's a dick in this movie!

Sean: Maybe I'll buy myself a one-way ticket back to Chicago.

Jake: I don't have time for this, Sean.

Sean: Mom would've had time! None of this would have happened if she was still here, none of this!

Jake: Sean...she's not here.

Sean: Yeah? Well, I wish you would've died and not her! [Enters his room and slams door]

Nostalgia Critic: Okay, this shit really pisses me off. Losing a parent is a serious thing (before Disney turned it into a common fad) but, even then, they at least tried to play to how hard it can be in a semi-plausible manner. Here, it's just a means to an end--a plot device, and it's way too rushed and way too over the top. We just find out in this scene that their mom is dead, and that's the line that follows our discovery of it! There's no lead-up, no segue, no trying to understand what he's going through, just the line:

Sean: Well, I wish you would've died and not her!

Nostalgia Critic: Aaaaand I hope you choke on your testicles, you little prickhorse! Yeah, I hate him, and there's no way you can make me like him! I don't care if he cures cancer, I'm still not gonna enjoy his character! That was so mean-spirited and so out of nowhere that I hope he just spontaneously combusts when he goes into that room!

Sean: Well, I wish you would've died and not her! [When he slams his door, an explosion is heard]

Nostalgia Critic: [Makes sign of the cross] And no one will miss him! Next!

• Nostalgia Critic: [imitating Charlton Heston's character] With color the same of a golden sunrise, Golden Crisp gives you that satisfying taste that only God's good pure Earth can give you! Plus, it's represented by...a BEAR!

Let's Play Bart's Nightmare

Nostalgia Critic: Perhaps some of you remember my video game review of "Bébé's Kids". [Cut to a clip of the Critic destroying the game from that review] And my video game review of "Blues Brothers" on my Volume 2 DVD. [Cut to a clip of the Critic going crazy from that review] They sucked. But needless to say, people love to see me get tortured by video games. Well no more -- I'm not doing anymore video game reviews! But it doesn't mean that I have to not play video games anymore. I heard of this wonderful thing on the Internet called "Let's Play". This is where someone just hooks up their video game to their computer, does a quick run-through of it and just tells them what they think. Now that sounds much easier than just analyzing and putting an actual review together. As you can imagine, just playing a video game is much easier than having to review a video game. This is gonna be a walk in the park. So what video game am I gonna do today? Well let's try "Bart's Nightmare". As we all know, anything with the "Simpsons" name has to be gold... that is, except for the show right now. But anything else connected with "The Simpsons" is always gonna be fantastic! [Cut to a picture of "Bart vs. the Space Mutants"] Well, except for that. [Cut to a picture of "Bart vs. the World"] And that one, too. [Cut to a picture of "Virtual Bart"] Um, SHUT UP!

Nostalgia Critic: [after losing the game for a final time] FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK THIS GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [pulls out the game, slices it while screaming; following dialogue spoken quickly and angrily] Fuck this noise, man! I'm going back to movie reviews next week! This is bullshit! I'm never doing another GODDAMN game again! FUCK IT, FUCK IT, FUCK IT! "Bart's Nightmare", you are an anus! DYAAAAAH!!

James and the Giant Peach

• [The review begins with a live news feed focused on an empty podium at a place called the Internet State Penitentiary]

Broadcaster's Voice: We are live at a press conference here in Chicago, Illinois where we hear that any minute, the Nostalgia Critic is going to make a public appearance addressing his last video. For those who are unaware, the Nostalgia Critic posted a "Let's Play" of "Bart's Nightmare" last week which was considered by many to be so horrendously unfunny that they'd rather shove a needle factory up their scrotums. Ah, and here is the Nostalgia Critic preparing to explain his actions. [He appears from the right and steps up to the podium]

Nostalgia Critic: Um, hello everyone, uh, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, uh, I remember it so you don't have to. Uh, they allowed me a short amount of time out of the Internet State Penitentiary... little surprised to see that place actually existed, but apparently it's right next to the State Home for the Ugly. So, uh, they allowed me a short time out to answer your questions addressing the video I did last week. [Points to his first question] Uh, yes.

Female Reporter: How does it feel to know that you've made the absolute worst "Let's Play" to ever be put on the Internet?

Nostalgia Critic: [Pause] Bad. Definitely, uh, bad. Uh, but hopefully I can make some more funny videos and move on from there. [Points to his next question] Yes.

Male Reporter: I had a robber break into my house, kill my wife and eat my children. Uh, he's not as bad as you.

Nostalgia Critic: [Awkward Pause] Thank you for that. And, uh, I'm very sorry for your loss.

Male Reporter: Don't gimme your pity.

Nostalgia Critic: [Points to his next question] Uh, yes.

Second Male Reporter: [Clears his throat] Melvin the Brother of the Joker, Emo Jones, this recent "Let's Play", Nazi Germany... that is all.

Nostalgia Critic: OK, uh, if we could keep the questions to actual questions, uh, that'd be fantastic. [Points to his next question] Uh, yes.

Angry Reporter: How do you account for this travesty among the world?!

Nostalgia Critic: Look, um, when everything is said and done, at the end of the day... I just made a bad video. [Gasps are heard in the crowd]

Angry Female Voice: INEXCUSABLE! [Suddenly Chester A. Bum stands up and points to the Critic]

Chester A. Bum: Your fans deserve better, Mr. McCritic! Sure, you tried something new, it didn't work, it bombed like mad, but now you deserve to give your fans something better! I mean, I liked it, I thought it was the greatest video I ever saw in my life, but you owe your fans something better!

Nostalgia Critic: Well, I'll-I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what: why don't I do a positive review of a movie a lot of people seem to enjoy?

Chester A. Bum: Oh, you mean like "James and the Giant Peach"?

Nostalgia Critic: "James and the Giant Peach"? That hunk of... [He turns to the crowd, stopping himself and forcing a smile] ...cinematic brilliance?

The Avengers

• Nostalgia Critic: Guess what? I was lookin' at the lineup, and it turns out the very next movie I'm gonna review is "The Avengers"! [Promotional posters from the upcoming comic book adaptation are shown over dramatic music] I know! Can you believe it, right? One of the most hyped up comic book movies of all time! I-I didn't even know it was finished yet! But apparently, we're gonna take a look at it and see how it holds up. Are you ready? I know I sure am. Let's take a sneak peek at what we're in store for. [Cut to the title screen and music for the unrelated 1998 movie of the same name] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [Inhales] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! [Inhales one more time] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! [Drops his head to his desk and pauses before throwing up his arms] Go ahead.

• Nostalgia Critic: [after Father is introduced] Father? The woman's name...is Father? Let me see if I understand this ministry correctly: you have a woman named Father, a man named Mother, a package instructing agents how to pick up a phone, a message telling a woman to meet in a place where no women are allowed, and most likely letting a criminal with hard evidence against her solve her own crime?! Does anything in this agency make sense!? Everything is totally frigging upside-down! Hell, while we're at it, why don't we throw in some more confusing names! [starts speaking in a British accent] Ah yes, after you have the information, drop it off to Agent Sister [an old man], who will then drop it off to Agent Brother [a teenage girl], right after handing it over to Agent Cat [a Dalmatian], who will relay the message to Mr. Dog [a tabby], and Mr. Dog will confirm it with Agent Black [a Ku Klux Klan member]. I'm so glad things work so sensibly around here!

• Nostalgia Critic: Okay, I'm just going to sum up how every conversation in this movie goes.

[a scene from the movie plays with the Critic voicing the characters]

Emma Peel: I'm going to start saying something clever, while you...

John Steed: ...finish your sentence.

Emma Peel: Witty retort...

John Steed: ...topped by me.

Emma Peel: Winking smile.

John Steed: Returned.

Simon Sez

• Obscuras Lupa: You may notice that one of the first things we see in this film is the classic late 90s ploy of spelling the title wrong.

Nostalgia Critic: "Simon Sezzzzzzzzz"? Jesus, what's the point of spelling it that way, anyhow? [Cut to a familiar room where "Smells Like Teen Spirit" is playing]

90s Kid: [Importing one of Linkara's recurring jokes] It's because poor literacy is KEEEEEWWWWWL!

Obscuras Lupa: That it is, 90s Kid.

90s Kid: DUUUUUUUDE! Can I be in your crossover?

Nostalgia Critic: No.

90s Kid: Oh, come on! I've already got the script written out and everything! [Starts reading it aloud] "Lupa and 90s Kid start making out—" Oh, uh, thi-this is my fan fiction... [Lupa rolls her eyes and sighs] Oh, here we go, this is the real script: [Clears his throat] "90s Kid and Lupa start making out—" [The Critic uses his remote to cut him off and go back to their review]

The Tommyknockers

• Nostalgia Critic: While that's going on, we cut to a poet played by Jimmy Smits who's an— [Exasperated sigh] Oh God, an alcoholic? Really?!

Jim Gardner: I haven't had a drink in about a year now...

Nostalgia Critic: Jesus, we've got all the callback characters in check! Why don't we just sing the cast that appears in every Stephen King movie?! [The theme song to "Gilligan's Island" starts playing, but with different lyrics and accompanying parody images of Maine and the miniseries' characters]

Singers: The people live in Maine, of course -- there's nowhere else to live

With the writer, the alcoholic, too

The adulterer and his whore

Some dumb rednecks, a disappointing resolution

Here in Stephen King's Maine!

The Haunting

• Nostalgia Critic: [Skipping his usual opening line and quietly fuming to himself] OK, I'm just gonna level with you: I really fucking hate today's movie. A lot. Not because the movie itself sucks, although it DOES, but because it's a remake of one of the greatest ghost stories of all time, "The Haunting". [Cut to that film's title screen] Directed by the world renowned Robert Wise, this psychological and paranormal horror film played off the fact that you didn't know how much of the ghost story was real ghosts and how much was in the head of our mentally tortured protagonist. You know films like "Paranormal Activity, "The Others" or even "The Blair Witch Project" where the fear comes from what you don't see rather than what you do? This is the film that perfected that. And even if you don't find it scary, it's a brilliant character study and a Gothic story. It was a brilliant film back then and it's a brilliant film right now. So director Jan de Bont -- ya know, this fucker [Cut to a poster for the movie "Twister"] -- came up one day and said "What does that Robert Wise schmuck know?! He hasn't directed anything good! I mean, what does he have under his belt? Just 'The Day the Earth Stood Still', 'Sound of Music', 'West Side Story', 'The Andromeda Strain', 'Sand Pebbles' -- what a hack! I directed this shit, [Cut to posters for 'Speed 2' and 'Tomb Raider 2'] so I can do it so much better! I know it's scary -- I made a tornado growl! [Cut to a scene from "Twister"] I'm the master of fucking subtlety!"

• Nostalgia Critic: [After Eleanor in the remake says 'Who was holding my hand?'] What's that? You are wondering what that line has to do with anything? Well again, let's go back to the original. [Plays footage from the original scene while voicing over] You see, they built up this big scary scene that Theo was next to Eleanor comforting her, supposedly holding her hand. When in reality they discovered when they turned on the light, nobody was holding her hand at all. Now naturally, this scene lasted four to five minutes, building up suspense and tension. In this film, it's just one friggin line. [Replays scene from remake] What do you mean "who was holding your hand"? When did you ever indicate someone was holding your hand? Did someone grab it when she was shoved out of bed? Is that it? Well that's really, fucking, poorly handled YOU SCHMUCKS! JUST BECAUSE YOU STEAL A LINE FROM A SCARY MOVIE DOESN'T MAKE IT AUTOMATICALLY SCARY! IT'S CALLED "ATMOSPHERE" AND "GIVING A CRAP"!! GOD, I COULD WRITE A BOOK ABOUT HOW SHITTY THIS REMAKE IS! ACTUALLY, I DID -- IT'S CALLED "HOW SHITTY THIS REMAKE IS". [Cut to a picture of that same book] IT'S A PRETTY EASY READ -- ALL IT CONTAINS IS THE WORDS "THIS MOVIE SUCKS! THIS MOVIE SUCKS! THIS MOVIE SUCKS!" [Cut to an excerpt from Chapter 1 with that phrase written over and over]

• Nostalgia Critic: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and not even a bisexual Catherine Zeta-Jones could save this movie. [Beat] Think about that.

Blair Witch 2 - Book of Shadows

• Nostalgia Critic: Let's talk about "The Blair Witch Project". In 1999, this movie got a lot of hype for creating a lot of scares with a less-than-minimal budget. It was shot mostly on a video camera and starred three film students in the middle of the woods. Audiences even to this day are rather split about it -- some call it one of the scariest movies of all time, while others say it's just a shaky-cam vomiting mess. Whatever people's thoughts, there's no denying it had a huge impact. Not only did the movie make a ton of money, but it also inspired the home video horror genre -- ya know, films like "Cloverfield", "The Last Exorcism" and of course "Paranormal Activity" -- all of them pulling off big Hollywood scares with a home video touch. Well, just a mere one year later after the film's release, Artisan came along and said "Hey! If they made a bundle with little money and clever ideas, surely we can do the opposite with the sequel!" [Beat] "Well too bad, that's what we're doing." [The movie's title screen is shown] You know those direct-to-DVD sequels? Well, this is one of those direct-to-garbage-can sequels. It looks so rushed, so half-assed and so having little to do with the original that you'd swear they took a totally different movie and just slapped the words "Blair Witch 2" on it. Ya know, something like "The Departed: Blair Witch 2," "Alien vs. Predator: Blair Witch 2" or "Toy Story 2: Blair Witch 2"!

Exorcist 2

• Regan: Do priests believe in ESP?

Father Lamont: Some do. In fact a French priest, Teilhard de Chardin, thought that we'd all come together eventually in some sort of mental telepathy...

Nostalgia Critic: Well that's fascinating...

Father Lamont: ...a kind of "world mind"...

Nostalgia Critic: Uh-huh...

Father Lamont: ...in which everybody would share...

Nostalgia Critic: Interesting...

Father Lamont: ...Father Merrin himself believed that with modern scientific research it could happen quite soon...

Nostalgia Critic: Intriguing theory...

Father Lamont: ...but if it happens before we're ready...

Nostalgia Critic: Uh-huh...

Father Lamont: ...we may find ourselves pointing in the wrong direction...

Nostalgia Critic: Uh-huh...

Father Lamont: ...towards Satan.

Nostalgia Critic: What the fuck?! For God's sake, you don't have to work everything back to the devil! Just let a theory be a theory! "Two plus two equals four... which could possibly be Satan!"

Doug's 1st Movie

• [The review starts with the Critic's head down on his desk in silent shame before he cues up the theme song from the "Doug" cartoon, shows the movie's title screen and then cuts to a scene from "A Few Good Men"]

Colonel Jessep: You fuckin' people...

Nostalgia Critic: Yes, indeed. For those who don't know, I have a particular hate for the cartoon series "Doug". Not because the show itself is an ungodly boring waste of time -- though that certainly doesn't help -- but more that anyone growing up with the name Doug was constantly tortured by the fact that this show was about a wimpy, unpopular dork-a-doofus who coincidentally shared the same name. Just hearing the theme music alone seems to be causing an impressive tumor in my brain that I have decided to name "Porkchop". I look forward to when it finally finishes me off and I never have to listen to that song again. [Beat] But I digress. Once Disney took over and started running the show on ABC as opposed to Nickelodeon, fans were outraged, because, you know, the original was such a classic. So once Disney asked the loyal fans if they would like to see a motion picture based on the astounding epic hero, people all over the world proudly replied "Eh", and the movie was made.

• [Doug has just given away an important fact in front of one of the bad guys]

Nostalgia Critic: DUMBASS! DUMBASS, DUMBASS, DUMBASS, DUMBASS! How much of a DUMBASS are you?! In fact, if you look up "dumbass" in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of...

[The Critic looks up the dictionary entry for "Dumbass," expecting to find a picture of Doug, but instead finds a picture of Tommy Wiseau by the entry]

Nostalgia Critic: WELL, IT SHOULD BE YOU IN THERE!

• [Roger's friends just made a giant robot and a shrinking ray]

Nostalgia Critic: Um, hey, here's an idea. Instead of calling a news conference about a sea monster, um, why don't you call the news conference ABOUT A BUNCH OF HIGH-SCHOOLERS THAT MADE A FUCKING SHRINKING RAY?! OR A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT?! DON'T YOU THINK THAT SHOULD GET SOME ATTENTION?! DON'T YOU THINK JUST INSTEAD OF SHRUGGING COMEDICALLY THESE KIDS SHOULD GET A NOBEL PRIZE FOR CHANGING THE WORLD OF SCIENCE AS WE FUCKING KNOW IT?! WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU JELLYBEAN-COLORED SIMPSON REJECTS?!

Colonel Jessep: You fuckin' people...

Nostalgia Critic: BUT...I digress!

• [After Doug disguises the monster as a teenage girl and brings it to school]

Patti: [Thinking to herself] Look at Doug with that cute girl!

Nostalgia Critic: Wait a minute, what? [The line is repeated] OK, alright... I can believe the boys getting excited for the dance. I can believe the mayor not using her powers at all to prove an earth-shattering discovery. I can believe high schoolers can build a giant robot AND a shrinking ray and have none of that get any media attention. BUT... if you expect me to believe that any high school girl -- high school girl, mind you -- would look at this deformed demon, think he's a female student, and ACTUALLY VERBALLY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT SHE'S CUTE, YOU ARE ON METH!! I mean, my God! Do you have any idea how the teenage female mind works?! They will pick apart anything that is not stylized perfection! This is the species that's turning this [Shows a picture of the cover of the first "Twilight" book] into a cultural phenomenon! They will criticize thighs -- THIGHS, FOR GOD'S SAKE -- AND YOU'RE SERIOUSLY TELLING ME THEY WOULD CALL THIS BEAUTY SHOW GENOCIDE CUTE?! YOU ARE FIRED FROM BREATHING! Please pack up your desk and kindly leave LIFE!!! BUT...I DIGRESS!

The Cell

• [A character, Henry West, is played by Dylan Baker, who was in the original series of Spider-man movies]

Henry West: Mr. Baines, I've been working on this project for seven years.

Nostalgia Critic: [as Baker] I don't care if they've rebooted the Spider-man movies -- I should be the Lizard!

Superman: The Animated Series

• [While seeing the destruction of Superman's home planet of Krypton]

Nostalgia Critic: You know, it just hit me: I don't think they ever specifically say in this version what it is that destroys them. Is it the inside of the planet? Is it colliding with another planet? Is the sun too close? [Beat] Is it Marvin the Martian again? [Cuts to a clip from the Looney Tunes cartoon "Hare-Way to the Stars" with the Critic's voice imitating that of Marvin the Martian] "Oh, I'm going to blow up Krypton. It obstructs my view of Venus." [The planet is finally shown blowing up]

Marvin the Martian: Isn't that lovely, hm?

• [The Critic adds his own lyrics to the show's theme song over the review's credits]

Nostalgia Critic: Superman! Superman!

Does all the things super people can!

Fly around! Catch a plane!

Never get nookie from Lois Lane!

Felix the Cat - The Movie

• [Instead of his usual opening line, the Critic crawls up from the floor underneath his desk]

Nostalgia Critic: Just do yourself a favor and go. Just go. Click on something else. Really, you don't wanna stay here. You won't survive it. [Laughs] I barely survived it! [Mouths those words before laughing with barely controlled rage] This movie's HORRENDOUS! It's horrendous! It's just ungodly, unnatural! IF A PIECE OF SHIT TOOK A PIECE OF SHIT AND THAT PIECE OF SHIT TOOK A PIECE OF SHIT AND THAT PIECE OF SHIT TOOK A PIECE OF SHIT AND THAT PIECE OF SHIT TOOK A PIECE OF SHIT AND THAT PIECE OF SHIT MADE A MOVIE... and that MOVIE TOOK A PIECE OF SHIT, THIS IS THAT PIECE OF SHIT YOU WOULD SEE!!! [Exhales] Felix the Cat.

• Nostalgia Critic: This whole movie is like a beating on your child's brains! If I was diagnosed with a terminal illness and the only cure for it was watching this film, I'd say GIVE ME ANOTHER TERMINAL ILLNESS JUST SO I CAN DIE FASTER!
• Nostalgia Critic:: So Felix tries to go back to his dimension, but it turns out none of the gold the professors brought is able to pass through.

Princess Oriana: But I have a feeling that your gold will pass through the Dimensporter.

Felix: But Princess, I don't have any gold.

Princess Oriana: You're wrong, Felix. You do. You have a heart of gold.

[As the movie ends, the Critic screams in frustration, utterly disgusted by the cliche]

Felix: Righty-O!

[The Critic explodes in a torrent of agitated screams that build in anger and frustration as the credits roll with the 3-D Felix head appearing alongside them]

Nostalgia Critic: OH, FUCK YOU, YOU DECAPITATED MACY'S DAY BALLOON! YOU ARE SHIT ON A DICK! This movie...THIS MOVIE...I mean, MY GOD! It is horrendously bad--beyond annoying! Every second is like a kick to my ballsack! The story, the characters--everything about it is like a little kid jumping on her bed, screaming! It's just loud, grating, and makes no sense! It's one of the worst, people--one of the worst I've ever had to sit through! It is a piece of...DAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! There are no words to describe it! There's only one single, solitary image! [The picture of Princess Oriana covering her face in despair is overlaid on the Critic] Thank you! I'm the Nostalgia Critic--RUN, MY CHILDREN! RUN! YOU ARE FREE! FLEE THIS HORRIBLE CAULDRON OF ASS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Nostalgia Critic MUSICAL REVIEW: Moulin Rouge

• [In a nod to the film, the review begins with a song]

Linkara: [Singing] There was a guy,

That Critic with the glasses guy.

He once attempted to review,

Moulin Rouge,

So begrudgingly.

He hated it,

Berated it,

For causing so much misery. [The Critic's portion of the review begins with him holding a bottle of rum while sitting on a mattress in his bedroom surrounded by pieces of paper tacked on the walls in another nod to the film]

Nostalgia Critic: "Moulin Rouge"... a movie... a musical nominated for several Oscars... directed by Baz Luhrmann... a film of pretentious pleasures, where art house beatniks and singing emos praise this uninspired butt-fuck for its originality. How could they not see that this film has ripped off every tired romance, every overused line, every attention-grabbing editing trick to make people believe it's saying more than it really is? [He grabs his laptop and opens it up] But perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself. [He types out the following line] I first saw the movie exactly one week ago...

• [As Christian is singing lyrics from various contemporary pop songs to Satine]

Nostalgia Critic: Boy, this must've been the fucking easiest screenplay to write: just let your mix CD get jumbled into your CD player and write down whatever lyrics you can make out!

Brentalfloss: That, or put five dollars in a jukebox and write down only the main choruses you hear. [The Critic and Nostalgia Chick both turn to him] Oh that's right... I got a screenplay.

Babes in Toyland

• [A ghost suddenly appears in the Critic's living room, interrupting his review]

Ghost: Ooooooh! Ooooooh! I'm the Ghost of Christmas Future!

Nostalgia Critic: The Ghost of Christmas Future?

Ghost: Yes the Ghost of Christmas Future! I'm here to show you what happens if you don't start enjoying Christmas!

Nostalgia Critic: But... I do enjoy Christmas.

Ghost: [Beat] What?

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, I love it. I'm all over it.

Ghost: [Looks around] You have absolutely no hatred for Christmas?

Nostalgia Critic: No, [it's] my favorite time of the year.

Ghost: Alright. [Walks over and takes a seat next to the Critic at his desk] Alright, guy, [I] don't think you understand quite how this works. Every comedy show does a "Christmas Carol" parody, usually around Christmas...

Nostalgia Critic: Well not me, I don't wanna.

Ghost: [Sighs] I've got these three other ghosts waiting, they're on retainer, it's just too much...

Nostalgia Critic: I don't care!

Ghost: [Sighs] Think of the possibilities! The sight gags! The puns! [Grabs the Critic by his shoulders] THINK OF THE CAMEOS!

The Grinch

• [The review starts with the Critic doing a parody of Boris Karloff's narration of the famed Chuck Jones cartoon]

Narrator: Everyone on the Internet was in love with "The Grinch"

When asked if they enjoyed it, they'd say "yes" in a pinch

Jim Carrey's so funny, and Ron Howard's a gem

And this holiday classic is perfect for them

Yes, the film seemed to make so many people happy

But the Grump of Channel Awesome found it all crappy

He hated "The Grinch," every part of the movie

Please don't ask why -- we're not sure how this could be

It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right

Or perhaps it could be that his shoes were too tight

Nostalgia Critic: Why would shoes affect how I feel about something? I-I don't get that—

Narrator: But the most likely reason of all, I should think

Is the Grump thought his brain was two sizes too big

But whatever the reason you might want to pick

The Grump spent his time hating the flick

Staring down with a grumpy Grump frown

He never got what pleased all the people in town

Nostalgia Critic: Can't they see—

Narrator: ...said the Grump.

Nostalgia Critic: ...that the remake is crap?

I'd rather get my nuts caught in a Lorax trap! [Beat] P.S. That's gonna suck, too.

• Nostalgia Critic: That's the film. Oh my GOD! Could it be any longer?!

I bet you're wondering what I would do to make it any stronger

Well... maybe you could shorten it, by an hour or two

And maybe some bright colors for a friendlier view

A more subtle actor might be anticipated

And hey, you know what else? Why not make it animated?

Yes, those are the changes that I would insist [Beat]

Oh wait, we don't need to -- IT FUCKING EXISTS!

The original was fine, spend your time watching that

Much better than this horrifying crap in a hat!

It's downright unpleasant, unbearable, unfunny

Nothing in this movie seems colorful or sunny

It's not fun to look at, it's not fun to watch

How on Earth did this classic get so goddamn botched?

I really hate this movie, and you know what? So should you!

I'm the Nostalgia Critic -- I remember it so you don't have to!

Child's Play

• [The mother, played by Catherine Hicks, is first introduced]

Phelous: Oh hey! It's the mother from "7th Heaven".

Nostalgia Critic: "7th Heaven"? Really? That's where you know the mother from?

Phelous: Well that's probably her most well-known role. Was she on anything else of note?

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, I don't know, "Star Trek IV"?

Phelous: Oh yeah. She was in that, wasn't she? Wow, what an obscure reference.

Nostalgia Critic: Her being in "7th Heaven" was the obscure reference!

Phelous: She was in "7th Heaven"? [The Critic merely stares at him]

• [The mother is trying to buy a Good Guy doll from a bum on the street]

Phelous: Hey, this would be a great time for you to do your Chester A. Bum character, wouldn't it?

Nostalgia Critic: [Laughs nervously] Why, what do you mean? The bum is a totally different person entirely.

Phelous: Oh, so do you think you can get a hold of him then?

Nostalgia Critic: [Now wearing Chester's hat] Maybe...

Phelous: If he's not too busy?

Nostalgia Critic: [Now with Chester's hair] Possibly...

Phelous: I mean, if it's not too much trouble? [Cuts to the Critic struggling to put on Chester's coat in time] Ah!

Nostalgia Critic: No! Uh, dolls?! Ya got dolls?! [Holding out Chester's cup, then Phelous sighs] Don't ruin the illusion, you're making kids cry!

Santa Claus The Movie

• [After Santa and his wife are rescued from the cold by the elves and brought to their workshop]

Santa: What is all this?

Elf: They're Christmas toys, waiting for you.

Santa: What have they got to do with me?

Elf: You're going to give them to your children. You have all the children of the world.

Santa: I won't live long enough for that.

Elf: Both of you will live forever.

Nostalgia Critic: Um, am I the only one who finds this a little threatening at times? I mean, granted, these people did save them from death, but then they're like [Starts imitating Santa and the elf back and forth] "You live here now." "What?" "You deliver toys for all eternity." "I didn't agree to this." "You will live forever." "I have some questions about all thi—" "Or we could throw you out in the snow to die. Would you like that better?" "No." "Alright then! Get to work, slave -- we're not paying you anything."

Star Trek The Motion Picture

• Nostalgia Critic: Good God, this is just watching a bunch of footage and then seeing somebody comment on it. [Beat] Who the hell would wanna see that?!

• [In response to one of several uninterrupted -- and wholly uninteresting -- special effects shots]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God! This is agony! This is such boredom! Angry Joe, why didn't ya tell me?! Tell me there's an edit coming up, these shots are going on forever. Please give me a cut, just give me a cut! [Cuts to Joe -- who appeared earlier in the review -- in an homage to "Wrath of Khan"]

Angry Joe: Oh I've done far worse than give you no cuts. I've hurt you, and I wish to go on hurting you. I shall leave you as this movie left me, left all audiences: marooned in the center of a dead screening, bored out of your mind! Bored out of your mind!

Nostalgia Critic: [Shaking his fist in a final "Wrath of Khan" homage] CUUUUUUUUUUT!!! [Echoing] CUUUUUUUUUUT!!! CUUUUUUUUUUT!!!

• Spock: Computer commence recording. Captain Kirk, these messages will detail my attempt to contact the aliens.

Nostalgia Critic: So, to put it bluntly... he'll be back after these messages. [The screen starts fading to black] No wait! Wait! That was a joke! That was a joke! I wasn't serious! Oh hey! What're you doing?! STOP! [When viewed on the Critic's web site, it cuts to an actual ad here before abruptly cutting back to the Critic] Ugh! Chester report!

Chester A. Bum: We were intercepted by a word from our sponsor!

Nostalgia Critic: Dammit! Those advertising executives are getting more and more clever. Raise our shields against any more commercial plugs!

Chester A. Bum: Yes sir! Incidentally, this raising of the shields is brought to you by the delicious taste of Diet Coke.

Nostalgia Critic: CHESTER!

Chester A. Bum: Sorry! Sorry!

Star Trek 3 - The Search for Spock

• [Skipping his usual opening line, the Critic instead recaps the events of "Wrath of Khan" by parodying the cliffhangers frequently used in the 1960s "Batman" TV show, complete with the original music]

Nostalgia Critic: Last time in the good "Star Trek" movie... oh no! Khan escaped from his prison? A new toy called "Genesis" that creates life in two seconds but still can't create a good Sonic game in years! Kirstie Alley? As a Vulcan? She does well, but that's just plain weird! Revenge is sought after, and Shatner says Khan's name like he's passing a kidney stone!

Captain Kirk: KHAAAAAAAAN!!

Nostalgia Critic: What's this? Spock is sacrificing himself for the crew? It appears this Vulcan wants out of this franchise! Will he be sucked back by the fact that he's the most marketable character? Stay tuned! Same "Star Trek" time, same "Star Trek" channel!

• [Before he can proceed with his review, the Critic is interrupted by text on his screen that says "Incoming Cameo"]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh God, this is probably what we've been waiting for. OK, put it onscreen. [Cuts away to fellow TGWTG reviewer That Sci-Fi Guy in another room]

That Sci-Fi Guy: Hi, Critic!

Nostalgia Critic: Sci-Fi Guy?

That Sci-Fi Guy: Yeah, who'd you think it was gonna be?

Nostalgia Critic: Uh, no one, I thought it was gonna be Linkar—anyway, what's up?

That Sci-Fi Guy: Well I got that copy of "Star Trek 5" that you wanted.

Nostalgia Critic: D'oh, that's right! I don't have a copy of it 'cause I only try to own good movies.

That Sci-Fi Guy: Yeah well, you know, being a sci-fi nerd, it's kinda required by law that I own everything "Star Trek," even the really bad stuff like the Christmas special.

Nostalgia Critic: There's a Christmas special?

That Sci-Fi Guy: Yeah, it's only legally viewable in Amsterdam...

Star Trek 5 - The Final Frontier

• [The Critic plays a producer and William Shatner, explaining how the film got a scene with a three-breasted cat lady]

Producer: Mr. Shatner, I don't know why you wrote in a three-breasted cat lady in here—

Shatner: Vanessa!

Producer: ...Vanessa. But she doesn't seem to be all that important.

Shatner: Oh but she is! She shows what a run-down place it is.

Producer: But then she kills all the main characters except for you!

Shatner: Yes! Everything in "Star Trek" has been building up to the sexual adventures of me and her three breasts!

Producer: But that doesn't make sense! Why would a cat lady—

Shatner: Vanessa!

Producer: Vanessa—be the big pay-off in "Star Trek"?

Shatner: Because it adds to the gravitas and weight of—

Producer: You just wanted to see this disgusting thing on screen, didn't you?

Shatner: Just give me five scenes with her.

Producer: One.

Shatner: Four.

Producer: Two.

Shatner: Done! Hehehe, Shatner ya still got it!

• "God": The ship! I must have the ship!

Nostalgia Critic: Now, to be fair, according to most texts, God has asked for a lot of bizarre things... [Illustrates the following three situations with pictures and impersonated voices]

God's Voice: Jesus, die on the cross.

Jesus: What?

God's Voice: Abraham, kill your son.

Abraham: Heh?

God's Voice: Moses, wander through the desert for about forty years.

Moses: What the fuck—?

Nostalgia Critic: Asking for a starship almost sounds reasonable!

Star Trek 7 - Generations

• [After the new Enterprise is christened at the beginning of the film]

Nostalgia Critic: So as they go out on their first trip on a routine test run, there's -- say it with me now -- [He's joined by a chorus of voices and onscreen text as they all say the following sentences] a distress call. They're the only ship in range, and they don't have the proper necessities, but they're going anyway. [Now addressing the viewer] I have trained you well.

• [Picard joins Kirk at what he thinks is his old home inside the Nexus]

Picard: This isn't really your house. We are both of us caught up in some kind of temporal nexus.

Kirk: [Cracks open an egg in a pan] Dill.

Picard: I beg your pardon?

Kirk: Dill weed. In the cabinet. Behind the oregano. [Picard fetches it for him as "Star Trek" is suddenly displayed onscreen with "Next Generation" theme music playing and the Critic's dramatically enhanced voice]

Nostalgia Critic: Behold, two of the greatest Starfleet captains of all time making eggs! Only one other thing could top off this epic pairing of awesomeness... [Three slices of toast pop out of a toaster and Kirk motions to them] Toast! We have toast! [The word is displayed onscreen] Ladies and gentlemen, toast! Oh-ho my God, I just soiled myself!

Star Trek 9 - Insurrection

• Bolian: Captain, Hars Adislo, we met at the Nel Bato Conference last year. Did you ever have a chance to read my paper on thermionic transconductance?

Picard: Would you excuse me?

Nostalgia Critic: [shocked] Who was that guy?!

Linkara: I don't know.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, you've seen all the shows! Has he ever popped up?

Linkara: Not that I'm aware of.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, maybe he'll explain it in his next scene.

Linkara: He doesn't have a "next scene".

Nostalgia Critic: You mean, he just completely...

Linkara: ...vanishes.

[The clip of the Bolian replays with mysterious music from Titanic, while the Critic goes into close-up with a pondering look on his face]

Nostalgia Critic: Who were you, Blue Man...?

• [After Linkara uses footage from "Next Generation" to prove something Troi said was incorrect]

Nostalgia Critic: What was that?

Linkara: That was a clip from the show.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh God, don't tell me...

Linkara: Yes, I have every episode of "Star Trek" in my ship's databanks. [Cuts away to the Critic smothering his face with a pillow and hitting himself as Linkara continues] I intend to use them throughout this review whenever the continuity seems off. Come to think of it, we could probably have used that a few scenes ago. Mind if we go back? [The Critic screams into his pillow] I'll take that as a "no".

• Linkara: I'm, sorry, but I'm not behind this, at least not in the way these pompous jerks are flaunting it. First of all, you have machines! We saw your irrigation line, you idiots! And those clothes look pretty damn well-tailored for people who don't have the ability to manufacture them properly! Second, this movie builds this place up as paradise, as Eden or Perfection. However, their philosophy is the complete opposite of what Star Trek stands for! Star Trek, in the end, is about how advanced technology has done us so much good, allows us to do so many great things, and that the future is a bright one, partially because we want for nothing! THIS movie, however, tells us we need to "get back to nature" and be smug hippie jackasses who reject technology and machines in favor of being so inbred that we don't believe in any other colors for our clothes except brown!

Nostalgia Critic: Yikes, Linkara!

Linkara: I'm sorry, but I really HATE these people! They piss me off!

Nostalgia Critic: What, do you hate Amish people, too?

Linkara: No, they hate me. But at least the Amish have religious reasons for rejecting technology! These guys are just dumb! We see them using tools! And in the end, what is technology but just advanced tools?

Nostalgia Critic: Well, on the bright side, it's not like we have to deal with them that ofte-

Linkara: [interrupting The Critic] They're the focus of the movie!

Nostalgia Critic: Fuck!

External Links

• Official website