The Office (US)

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The Office (2005–) is an American NBC situation comedy and mock documentary, based on the British show of the same name, set in a paper-products office in Scranton, Pennsylvania where Michael Scott manages a group of employees, and does a remarkably poor job of it.

The Office (UK) has a separate Wikiquote page.

Contents

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Pilot [1.1]

Michael: How are things going at the library?
Jim: Oh, I told you. Couldn't close that sale.
Michael: So you've come to the master for guidance? [imitating David Carradine] Is this what you're saying, grasshoppah?
Jim: Uh, Actually you called me in here, but yeah.
Michael: [on the phone] All right, done deal! Thank you very much sir! You are a gentleman and a scholar! [pause, listening] Oh, I'm sorry. Okay, I'm sorry. My mistake. [hangs up] That was a woman I was talking to... so, she had a very low voice. Probably a smoker. [pause] So that's the way it's done in Canada!
Michael: Ah, This is our receptionist, Pam. [hitting desk]PAM! PAM PAM! Pam Beesly. Uh, Pam has been with us, um, for forever...Right, Pam?
Pam: Well, I don't know...
Michael: If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago! [makes growling noise]
Pam: What?
Michael: Uh, any messages?
Michael: [upon being given a fax] Pam, this is from corporate. How many times have I told you that there is a special filing cabinet for things from corporate? Called the waste paper basket! [laughs uproariously]
Jim: My job is to speak to clients, um, on the phone about, uh, quantities and, uh, type of copier paper. You know, uh, whether we can supply it to them, whether they can, uh, pay for it. And, um...I'm boring myself just talking about this.
Michael: WHAZZUP!?
Jim: Whazzup...I still love that, after seven years...
Michael: [after standing near Jim's desk, in awkward silence] What?
Jim: Nothing.
Michael: Okay, all right. See you later.
Jim: All right, take care.
Michael: Corporate really doesn't interfere with me at all. Um, Jan Levinson-Gould. I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton, right? Not to her face, because, uh...well not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not. But, um, yeah.
Jan: All right, was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda?
Michael: Ummmm...Me no get an agenda.
Jan: I'm sor- wait, I'm sorry?
Michael: Did we get a fax this morning?
Pam: Uh, yeah. The one.
Michael: Why isn't it in my hand? Because the company runs on efficiency of communication, right? So what's the problem, Pam? Why didn't, uh, why didn't I get it?
Pam: You put it in the garbage can that was the special filing cabinet.
Michael: Yeeeaah...Uh, that was a joke. That was a joke that, uh, was actually my brother's, and it was supposed to be with bills, and it doesn't work great with faxes, so...
Jan: Do you want to look at mine?
Michael: Yeah, yep. I would. Thank you.
Jan: Don't panic.
Michael: Uh, This is excellent. Although alarm bells are kind of going "Ringy Dingy Dingy!"
Jan: This does however mean that there's going to be downsizing.
Michael: Me no wanna hear that, Jan. Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch. And I wouldn't, uh, wish that on Josh's men. I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men. Or women, present company excluded. Sorry. Uh, Is Josh concerned about downsizing, himself? Not downsizing himself, but is he concerned about downsizing?
Jan: Well, uh...
Michael: Pac Man!
Packer: [on speaker phone, with Jan in the room] Hey, you big queen!
Michael: [mumbling] Oh, that's not appropriate...
Packer: Hey, is old, uh, Godzillary coming in today?
Michael: Um, I don't know- I don't know what you mean.
Packer: Look, I'm been meaning to ask her one, uh, question. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Michael: Oh my god...Oh...That's horrifying. Horrible. Horrible Person.
Jan: So do you think we could keep a lid on this for now? I don't want to worry people unnecessarily.
Michael: No, absolutely. Under this regime, it will not leave this office. Just, like that.
[cut to main office area]
Phyllis: [to Stanley] So what does downsizing actually mean?
Angela: [worrying about downsizing] I bet it's gonna be me. Probably going to be me.
Kevin: Yeah, it'll be you.
Pam: I have a really important question for you.
Jim: Yes?
Pam: Are you going to Angela's cat party on Sunday?
Michael: [concerning the downsizing] Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.
Pam: I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go, because then, I might...It's just, I don't think it's many little girls dream to be a receptionist. Um, I like to do illustrations, um, mostly water color, a few oil pencil. Um, Jim thinks they're good.
Jim: [seeing Dwight making sure his belongings are on his own desk] Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight: What?
Jim: What are you doing?
Dwight: Just clearing my desk. I can't concentrate.
Jim: It's not on your desk!
Dwight: It's overlapping. It's all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables. Demarcation.
Dwight: [seeing Jim's desk-boundary line of sharpened pencils] You can't do that!
Jim: Why not?
Dwight: Safetly violation. I could fall and pierce...an organ.
Jim: [crossing his fingers] We'll see. [to camera, as Dwight destroys boundary line] See, this is why the whole downsizing thing just doesn't bother me.
Dwight: Downsizing?!
Dwight: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, "Bring it on!"
Michael: [looking at messages] Oh, this is so important that I should run to answer it. [running it slow motion] Cha-tatatatata! Cha-tatatatata! Cha-tatatatata! Cha-tatatatata! Cha-tatatatata! Cha-tatatatata! Cha-tatatatata! Cha-tatatatata! Cha-tatatatata! Cha-tatata-
Pam: What?
Michael: Come on! Six Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin! Actually, that would be a good salary for me, don't you think? Six million dollars? Memo to Jan: I deserve a raise.
Pam: [mumbling] Uh-huh, don't we all...
Michael: I'm sorry?
Pam: noth-nothing.
Michael: If you're, uh, unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR. Okay? Not today, okay Pam? Just, be professional.
Michael: People I respect, heroes of mine, would be: Bob Hope, um, Abraham Lincoln, definitely, Bono...uh, and probably God would be the fourth one. And, I just think all those people really, uh, helped the world in so many ways, that it's, um, it's really beyond words. It's really "incalculcable."
Michael: Now I know there are some rumors out there, and I just kinda want to set the record straight...
Dwight: Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! I'm Assistant Regional Manager, I should know first.
Michael: Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Dwight: Yeah, um, okay. Um, can you just tell me, please? Just tell me quietly.
Michael: Well, I'm about to tell everyone!
Dwight: Can you whisper it in my ear? Please?
Michael: I'm just about to tell everyone!
Oscar: Can't you just tell us?
Dwight: [to Oscar] Please, okay? [to Michael] Do you want me to tell them?
Michael: You don't know what it is, so...
Dwight: Okay, you tell them, with my permission.
Michael: I don't need your permission.
Dwight: Permission granted, go ahead.
Oscar: Yeah, but Michael, what if they downsize here?
Michael: Not gonna happen.
Stanley: It'd be out of your hands, Michael.
Michael: It won't be out of my hands, Stanley, okay? I promise you that.
Stanley: Oh, can you promise that?
Dwight: On his mother's grave.
Michael: Well...
Pam: I was in the meeting with Jan, and she did say that it could be this branch that gets the axe.
Michael: Well, Pam, uh, maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings.
Dwight: Yeah, Pam. Information is power!
Stanley: So you can't say for sure whether it's going to be us or them, can you?
Michael: No no no no, Stanley, no. You did not see me in there with her. I said, "If, uh, if corporate wants to come in here and interfere, they're gonna have to go through me." Right, you know? "You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messin' with my chillen!"
Jim: If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head, you know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Um, Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt, which is mixed berry.
[cut to Pam]
Pam: Jim said mixed berries? Oh wow...yeah, he's on to me. Um...[laughs]
Michael: Watch out for this guy! Dwight Schrute in the building! This is Ryan, the new temp.
Dwight: 'Sup.
Ryan: Nice to meet you.
Michael: Introduce yourself, be polite.
Dwight: Uh, Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
Michael: Assistant to the Regional Manager. So, uh, Dwight, tell him about the, uh, the kung-fu and the, uh, car and everything.
Dwight: Uh, yeah. I got a 78-280Z. Bought it for $1200, fixed it up. It's now worth three grand.
Michael: That is his profit.
Dwight: Yeah.
Dwight: [upon seeing the fate of his stapler] Dammit! Jim!
Michael: Okay, hold on, hold on. Judge is in session. What is the problem here?
Dwight: He put my stuff in Jell-O again! [to Jim] That's real professional, thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first two times either!
Dwight: It's okay here, uh, but people sometimes take advantage, because it's so relaxed. And, I'm a volunteer sheriff's deputy on the weekends, and you cannot screw around there. It's sort of one of the rules.
Michael: [upon seeing Dwight trying to get his stapler out of Jell-O] No no no no! Do not take it out! You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world, and -which I hate!- and it is a waste of that kind of food.
Dwight: [to Ryan] Okay, you know what? You can be a witness. [to Michael] Can you reprimand him, please?
Jim: [eating a cup of Jell-O] How do you know it was me?
Dwight: It's always you! [to Michael] Are you going to discipline him or not?
Michael: Ooh, discipline! Kinky!
Michael: Jim, now is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into jello.
Jim: Okay. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I've always been your biggest flan.
Michael: [laughs] Oh, nice!! That's the way it is around here, just kind of goes round and round and round...
Ryan: [playing along] You should have put him in custardy.
Michael: [cracks up again] Oh, hey! Yes! New guy, and he scores!
Dwight: Okay, that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is, uh, damage to company property. That's all.
Michael: [after long pause] Pudding... Putting... I'm trying to think of another dessert to do.
Jim: [after standing in awkward silence] Um...what's in the, uh, what's in the bag?
Roy: [gets up and leaves] Just tell her I'll talk to her later.
Jim: No, definitely. All right, dude. Awesome. Will do.
[cut to talking head]
Jim: Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding...[stares at camera]
Michael: So, uh, have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard, right? Um, I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I am a friend first and a boss second. Probably an entertainer third.
Michael: My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No no no. It was a young Guatamalan guy, first job in the country, barely spoke a word of English, but he came to me and said, "Mr. Scott, will you be the godfather to my child?" Wow... wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.

[edit] Diversity Day [1.2]

Michael: Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North," and those are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.
Mr. Brown: At Diversity Today, we believe it's very easy to be a hero. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect, and open-mindedness.
Dwight: Ah, excuse me? I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero.
Mr. Brown: Great, well, what is a hero to you?
Dwight: A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part human and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster, that must be avenged.
Mr. Brown: Uh, you're thinking of a superhero.
Dwight: We all have a hero in our heart.
Jim: (after Dwight hangs up on the person Jim is talking to) Thanks Dwight.
Dwight: Retaliation. Tit for tit.
Jim: *That* is not the expression
Dwight: Well it should be.
Dwight: (trying to guess his card says Asian) Lots of cultures eat rice that doesn't help me. (walks away angry and goes to Pam)
Dwight: (trying to get Pam to guess that her card says Jewish) Shalom. I'd like to apply for a loan.
Pam: That's nice Dwight.
Pam: [during a role-playing exercise] Okay, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe..not be a very good driver.
Dwight:[role playing as an Asian] Aw, man! Am I a woman?
Michael: [after role-playing exercise] You'll notice I didn't have anybody being Arab. I thought that would be too explosive...no pun intended. But I just thought, 'too soon' for Arabs. Maybe next year. The ball's in their court.
Kevin: [to Angela who is role-playing as a Jamaican] Do you wanna go to the beach?
Angela: Sure.
Kevin: Do you wanna get high?
Angela: No.
Kevin: I think you do...mon.


Michael: [To Pam who is role playing as a Jewish person and Stanley who is role playing as a black person] "Bum bum bumbum bum, Come'on, Olympics of Suffering right here!, Slavery vs. The Holocaust, come'on!
Michael: [after the role-playing exercise] Man, I should've gotten some food.
Kevin: [still role-playing as an Italian] Maybe some spaghetti.
Michael: Okay, Kevin, you can take off that thing. That would really, really show him up, wouldn't it? If I brought in some burritos or some colored greens or some pad thai. I love pad thai.
Stanley: It's "collard greens."
Michael: What?
Stanley: It's "collard greens."
Michael: No, that doesn't really make any sense. Because you don't call them "collared" people. That's offensive.
Michael: You know what, here's what we're going to do. Let's go around and everybody, everybody, name a race you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. (Dwight raises his hand) Go!
Dwight: I have two. White and Indian.
(Kelly, who is Indian, is sitting next to him and gives a shocked expression)
Michael: Why don't we just defer to Mr.??
Mr. Brown: Mr. Brown.
Michael: (laughs) Oh! Okay first test, I will not call you that.
Mr. Brown: Well it's my name, it's not a test.
Michael: I regret my actions. I regret offending my co-workers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect, and openmindedness...openmindedness, is that a word? Um...into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed (holds up the paper) Daffy Duck. (laughs) He's gonna lose it when he reads that.

[edit] Health Care [1.3]

Dwight: Count Choculitus.
Jim: [whistles] Sounds serious.
Dwight: Why did you write that Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Jim: Do you?
Jim: Wait, what are you writing? Don't write ebola or mad cow disease, all right? Because I'm suffering from both of them.
Pam: I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh, great.
Pam: So, like, let's say that my teeth turn to liquid and then they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing new diseases. That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam: Nice.
Dwight [Reading suggestions for health-care coverage]: Who thought of this one? Anal fissures.
Kevin: That's a real thing.
Dwight: Yeah, but no one here has it.
Kevin: [quietly] Someone has it.
Dwight: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.
Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.
Dwight: OK, first let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael: Uh, none. You're picking a healthcare plan.
Dwight: Number one: Inverted penis.
[long pause]
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Because, if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.
Dwight: Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony.
Jim: OK, Whoa, alright 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight: [reading from a sheet] Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection.
Michael: The most sacred thing I do is care. And provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right, that’s what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um… yes. In a way. Yeah, like a specialist.
Michael: Pam! Pamela. Pam-a-lama-ding-dong. Makin' copies.
Pam: I'm not making any copies.
Michael: Lets go. Messages. STAT! Lots to do. Lots to do. Information super highway.
Pam: Nothing new.
Michael: Lay them on moi. What?
Pam: There's nothing new.
Michael: (quietly) That's not what you said earlier.
Pam: Oh do you want me to repeat the messages that i gave you before...for the... (looks and nods at the camera)
Michael: There's a decision that needs to be made. And I'm having an unbelievably busy day. (camera shows the empty work tray) So I'm going to let you pick a health care plan for our office and then explain it to your co-workers.
Jim: Gosh.
Michael: Yeah!
Jim: That is a great offer.
Michael: Yeesh.
Jim: Thank you. I really think I should be concentrating on sales.
Michael: Really?
Jim: Yeah. I just don't think that this is the kind of task that I...am going to do. You know who would be great for this? (cut to talking head) Anytime Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it.
(Cut back to Michael's office, Dwight is now there.)
Dwight: Yes I can do it, I'm your man.
Jim: (talking head) Right now this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, this would be my career. And, uh, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.

[edit] The Alliance [1.4]

Michael: I think if I was allergic to dairy I'd kill myself.
Meredith: [reading her birthday card] This one's from Michael, "Let's hope the only downsizing this year is that someone downsizes your age."
Michael: Get it? 'Cause of the downsizing. Rumors. And 'cause you're getting old.
Meredith: I...get it.
Michael: Meredith is so old...(how old is she?) Meredith is so old, that when she went to an antique store, they kept her. I got that off the internet, it's not mine. Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called she wants her age back and her divorces back! Get it? 'Cause she's getting old, and she's been divorced what, twice?
Dwight: Did you get your tickets?
Jim: To what?
Dwight: The gun show. [kisses bicep]
Michael: I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that I get no pleasure out of saying the words "you're fired." "You're fired." Oh, "you're fired." He just makes people sad. And an office can't function that way. No way. "You're fired." I think if I had a catchphrase it would be "you're hired, and you can work here as long as you want." But that's unrealistic, so.
Michael: When I retire, I-- I don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I want to be the guy who gives everything back. I want it to be like: "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Umm, well, uh, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what? That was Michael Scott!" "But-- it was anonymous, how do you know?" "...Because I'm him!"

[edit] Basketball [1.5]

Michael: [To Ryan] Alright, managing by walking around. (they head down the stairs) This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right.
Ryan: Fine, don't worry about that.
Oscar: [of Mexican descent] I can play [basketball] if you need any help.
Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.
Michael: [throws crumpled piece of paper at Pam to show basketball skills]
Pam: Please don't throw garbage at me.
Michael: Pam with the zinger.
Dwight: So, we need someone to work this Saturday and I think that that should be... Jim.
Jim: God this is so sad. I think this is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to somebody's head.
Michael: And this is the foreman. Mithda Ra-jahs.
Darryl: It's not my real name.
Michael: No, it's Darryl. Darryl is Mithda Ra-jahs.
Ryan: Darryl Rogers?
Darryl: Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mith-da Ra-jahs.
Michael: (trying to motivate the employees for the basketball game) I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
Dwight: Gimli.
Michael: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.
Pam: My fiancé has plans for us this Saturday, so I really hope Dwight doesn’t make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him. (Pauses and laughs) I'm kidding. Kidding. Totally kidding.
Michael: Hey Pam, how would you like to be our cheerleader today? You know, some uh pigtails, little ah, halter top you could tie that up. And, you know, some little, just youthful for a change, just this once.
Pam: I don't think so Michael. Besides, I can't cheer against my fiancé.
Jim: I'll do it. Wear a little flouncy skirt if you want, and..
Michael: Yeah i bet you would, just try not to be too gay on the court. (Jim widens his eyes) And by gay I mean, um, you know not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad at sports way. I think that goes without saying.
Pam: Maybe Angela would cheerlead.
Michael: Oh, yeah right.
Phyllis: I’ll do it.
Michael: Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing.

[edit] Hot Girl [1.6]

Ryan: [helping clean out Michael's car] What about this bottle of power drink on the back seat.
Michael: What flavor?
Ryan: Blue.
Michael: Blue is not a flavor.
Ryan: It says: "Flavor: Blue Blast."
Michael: Ooh, Blue Blast. Put that in the trunk...
Michael: Coffee is a drug. It is quite literally a drug. It speeds people up. It's not the only drug that speeds people up. (Giggles slightly) You hear stories about Dunder-Mifflin in the eighties before people knew how bad cocaine was...gah..man did they move paper!
Michael: Starbucks. Oh man, that place is like the promised land!
Kevin: Well, what is your type?
Jim: ...Moms, primarily. Yup. Soccer moms. Single moms. Nascar moms. Any type of mom really.
Kevin: Stay away from my mom...
Jim: Too late, Kev.
Dwight: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
Katy: It was nice to meet some of you.

[edit] Season 2

[edit] The Dundies [2.1]

Michael: A lot of the people here don’t get trophies very often, like Meredith or Kevin, I mean who’s going to give Kevin an award, Dunkin’ Donuts? Plus, bonus, it’s really really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he’ll tell his neighbor, “Hey, did you get an award?” And the neighbor will say, “No man. I mean I slave all day and nobody notices me.” Next thing you know, employee smells so something terrible coming from the neighbor’s house. Neighbor’s hanged himself, due to lack of recognition.
Michael: [To Jim - imitating Fat Albert] Hey...Hey..Hey! It's Fat Halpert!
Michael: TMI? — “Too Much Information.” Uh, it’s just easier to say TMI. I used to say “don’t go there,” but that’s lame.
Michael: [at the Dundie awards] This year's "Busiest Beaver" award goes to Phyllis Lapin!
Phyllis: This says "Bushiest Beaver."
Michael: I told them "Busiest"...idiots.
Michael: I was on a hot date with a girl from HR, Dwight...
Dwight: Really? We don't have any girls in HR.
Michael: You know for the sake of the story...and things were getting hot and heavy...
Dwight: Yeah!
Michael: And I was about to take her bra off...
Dwight: Yeah!
Michael: And she made me fill out six hours worth of paperwork.
Dwight: Like an AIDS test?
Michael: No. God, Dwight...
Michael: This next award goes to someone who really lights up the office, somebody who I think a lot of us cannot keep from checking out, 'The Hottest in the Office Award', goes to...Ryan the Temp! YEAH! Hey HO! You sexy thing! Sexy thing you! Whoo! [slaps Ryan's butt]
[Cut to Ryan]
Ryan: What am I going to do with the award? Nothing. I don't know what I'm going to do. That's the least of my concerns right now.
Pam: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.
Pam: [After getting a Dundie for Whitest Tennis Shoes] So, um, finally i want to thank God, because God gave me this Dundie, and i feel God in this Chili's tonight...
Jim: [Talking about the frozen drinks that Pam is slurping] I think those might be empty.
Pam: No, no, 'cuz the ice melts, and then it's like second drink.

[edit] Sexual Harassment [2.2]

Michael: Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.
Ryan: [reads Todd Packer's 'WLHUNG' license plate] You a big William Hung fan?
Todd: Why does everybody ask me that? Who the hell is that?!
Michael: Attention everyone, hello! Yes, I just want you to know that this is not my decision but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here [the office], we must only discuss work associated things. And uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.
Jim: Does that include "That's what she said?"
Michael: Mmm hmm, yes.
Jim: Wow. That is really hard. [Michael almost says it] You really think you can go all day long? [Michael nearly bursts trying not to say it] Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling.
Michael: That's what she said!
Pam:I'd just like to say that, my Mom's coming in today
Kevin: (Almost immediately) Mmmmilf.
Pam:...Thanks Kevin.
Michael: Todd Packer and I are total B.F.F.s, Best Friends Forever. We came up together in sales, one time we went to a bar and met these set of twins. And Packer said that we were brothers, one thing lead to another, and we took them to our hotel room...and Packer did BOTH of them!...It was awesome!
Todd: Where's Michael Snot? Sniffing some dude's thong?...probably.
Michael: When I said that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn't arrest a guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.
Michael: And, even though we're still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin, families grow. And, at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am upper management, and it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam, as much as I might want to.
Pam: He said WHAT?
Michael: What if Pam was a lesbian?! What if she brought her partner into work, would that be crossing the line?
Toby: No!
Michael: What if they made out, in front of everybody...
Toby: Well, that would be...
Michael: ...at home? And I told everybody everything about it?
Toby: OK, I'm lost.
Michael: OK, then, well let's act it out. Pam, you will be girl "A". And, girl "B" will be... [long pause] ... OK, we'll use the doll. [motions hand forward] Pam? Pam?
[Pam is shocked]
Dwight: You said we could come to you if we had any questions. (Pause) Where is the clitoris? On a website it says "At the crest of the labia." What does that mean? (Pause) What does the female vagina look like?
Toby: Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking me about human anatomy. Um... I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.
Pam: Usually on sexual harassment day everyone harasses me...as a joke.
Jim: What has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? [points his thumbs at himself] This guy!
Todd: [referring to Ryan] Don't ever let this little bitch drive you around. We got lost for half an hour.
Pam: Well, I don't have any DUIs, so I can drive myself, but thanks.

[edit] Office Olympics [2.3]

Dwight: Thank God. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a 9-bedroom farmhouse. I have my own crossbow range. It’s the perfect situation for me. Although the two bathrooms would have been nice. We just have the one... and it's under the porch.
Dwight: A 30-year mortgage at Michael’s age essentially means that he’s buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so I couldn’t hear the other dead people.
Jim: Phyllis by a nose! Gold medal in Flernuntin.
Pam: Flonkerton.
Jim: Thank you, delegate from Iceland.
Dwight: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to the local stores and restaurants. It’s a nice little farm... sometimes teenagers use it for sex.
Dwight: I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like...Mozart's friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like...Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a bullet in the head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
Michael: Nobody likes beets, Dwight! Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy.
Michael: I’m an early bird and a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms.
Dwight: Question. Where can I put my terrarium?
Michael: What the hell is a terrarium?
Dwight: It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards.
Michael: Oh! So it's an aquarium. Um...that will not come into this place.

[edit] The Fire [2.4]

Dwight: FIRE! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Phyllis: You say that every week.
Dwight: DO YOU WANT TO DIE?!
Oscar: Relax.
Dwight: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BURN VICTIM!?
Michael: Yes, I was the first one out. And yes, I’ve heard "women and children first". But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So if I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.
Dwight: Everyone. OK, I have an announcement. Apparently in business school they don’t teach you how to operate a toaster oven. Because some smart, sexy temp left his cheese pita on "oven" instead of timing it for the toaster thing. [holds up burnt pitta and laughs maniacally]
Dwight: (singing really quickly) Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, Television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe! (holds up burnt pitta) RYAN STARTED THE FIRE!
Michael: When I was Ryan’s age, I worked in a fast food restaurant to save up money for school. And then I lost it in a pyramid scheme, but I learned more about business right then and there than business school would ever teach me – or Ryan would ever teach me.
Michael: So I never went to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Tracy McGrady.
Dwight: I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted. I'm sorry, only part of me meant that...he'd probably end up a hero there anyway.
Pam: [naming her five 'desert island movies] Fargo, um, Edward Scissorhands, Dazed and Confused...
Jim: Ooh, definitely in my top five.
Pam: Yes -- in my top three, so suck it. [Jim looks bewildered and then grins]

[edit] Halloween [2.5]

Phyllis: [to Dwight in costume] Are you a monk?
Dwight: I'm a Sith lord!!
Michael: [while on hold with Sherry] I wish I could fire Sherry.
Sherry: I'm still here, Michael.
Michael: Err...OK, Sherry. Thank you.


[edit] The Fight [2.6]

Michael: For emergency contact put down Todd F. Packer. You know what the "F" stands for?
Ryan: [immediately] Fudge?
Dwight: [indicating his purple belt] This is not a toy, this is a message to the entire office so that everyone can see I can physically dominate them.
Kelly: [practicing a karate move Dwight taught her] HI YAH! Hey that was pretty close!
Dwight: Good, now let me take you from behind.
Kelly: WHAT?!
Michael: Look, Dwight here is a wuss. When we rented "Armageddon", he cried at the end of it.
Dwight: Michael, I told you! It was because it was New Year's Eve and it started to snow at exactly midnight!
Michael: [As Dwight crying] "Oh, are they really gonna leave Bruce Willis on the asteroid? Boo-hoo!"
Dwight: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran. Killed twenty men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father...battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.
Michael: Pam, I hate to break this to you, but Dwight can't stop you from being mugged. He's just not tough enough.
Pam: He's a purple belt, that's really high.
Michael: Oh God, I could beat up Dwight, that's ridiculous. I can murder him.
Michael: C'mon, hit me...
Jim: I can't. I just got a manicure.
Michael: Oh, queer! [looks at camera] ...eye. Queer eye! Good show, important show.
Jim: Just have Dwight punch you.
Michael: Well, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of 14-year-old girls who could kick his ass.
Jim: You know a ton of 14-year-old girls?
Dwight: What belt are they?
Michael: Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm...easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
Jim: The Albany Branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing, but Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour so that we all could go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight.

[edit] The Client [2.7]

[Ryan comes back from the dry cleaners]
Pam: Wait, are those Michael's Levi's?
Ryan: Yeah. Who dry cleans jeans?
Pam: Michael and his jeans. He gets in them, and I'm not exactly sure what happens, but I can tell you, he loves the way he looks in those jeans. I know that's why he started casual Fridays.
Michael: OK. Let's do this thing. Wish us luck.
Dwight: Good luck, Michael! Good luck, Jan!
Jan: Thank you.
Michael: [under breath] Kiss ass.
Michael:I don't understand...you want to see other people? Only other people?
Jim: They might not have to downsize our branch. And I could work here for years... and years... and... years.
Michael: Here's the thing. Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens. Small Business Man Magazine.
Jan: [incredulously] It said that.
Michael: It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor.
Dwight: Yes I have acted before. I was in a production of "Oklahoma!" in the 7th grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids so they made up roles like that. I was good.
Michael: Awesome Blossom, extra awesome.
Jan: Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour?
Michael: No. No, that would not be efficient... Actually, they just don't get a lot of work done when I'm not here... That's not true. I know how to delegate. And they do more work when I'm not here... Not more... the same amount of work is done whether I am here or not.
Jim: Do we all have a copy of Threat Level: Midnight by Michael Scott?
Dwight: Announcement: My uncle bought me a bunch of fireworks, so whoever wants to see a real show come with me!
Pam: Here's what we think happened. Michael's sidekick who, all through the movie is this complete idiot who's causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight. But then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace. But that doesn't work on misspelled words. Leaving behind one "Dwigt". And Dwight figured it out. Ooops.
Dwight: D-W-I-G-H-T

[edit] Performance Review [2.8]

Dwight: [sitting on a giant rubber ball] You should get one of these.
Jim: No, thank you.
Dwight: Do you even know what this is? It is a fitness orb, and it has completely changed my life. Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.
Jim: Done.
Dwight: This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core. [bumps picture on Jim's desk] Sorry.
Jim: It's all right.
Dwight: Numerous health benefits: strengthens your back, better performance at sports, more enjoyable sex.
Jim: You're not having sex.
Dwight: [smirks] Plus, improves your reflexes. [knocks over knick-knack on Jim's desk] See, I would have caught that.
Jim: Okay, you know what, how much is that?
Dwight: It's only 25 bucks.
Jim: Wow. Um, okay. [pops orb with a pair of scissors, causing Dwight to crash to the ground]
Pam: Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were and it ended with him telling me he could bench press 190 pounds.
Michael: Pam, you're trustworthy.
Pam: Thank you.
Michael: And a woman.
Pam: Oh no.
Michael: But then she goes on to say "That will be our only topic of discussion." That doesn't mean anything. Those are just words...
Pam: I have one idea of what it means.
Michael: OK, yeah, what, what?
Pam: Well, I don't think you're going to be very happy with this.
Michael: Oh, great. Alright, well, now I'm in a terrible mood. Let's do your performance review.
Pam: [quickly] Because she's conflicted. She has to be professional but she's fighting feelings for you.
Michael: [sighs] Why-- that's great news. That-- that-- Why would-- why would I not like that?
Pam: Um, just 'cause that you work together and it might be awkward.
Dwight: D - Determined W - Worker I - Intense G - Good Worker H - Hard Worker T - Terrific
Jim: J - Jim I - Is Jim M - My Name Is Jim
Dwight: Oh, hey. Listen, Jim. Here's a little tip for your performance review.
Jim: Okay.
Dwight: Tell Michael that we should be stocking more of the double-tabbed manila file folders.
Jim: We don't have double-tabbed manila file folders.
Dwight: Oh yes we do.
Jim: No we don't.
Dwight: Yeah, it's a new product. So you should just suggest that to him, and then he'll be sure to give you a raise. [smirks at camera]
Jim: All right. [pause] Well, I'm not asking for a raise. I'm going to actually be asking for a pay decrease.
Dwight: Uh, that is so stupid. What if he gives it to you?
Jim: Then I win.
Jim: Today is Thursday, but Dwight thinks that it's Friday. Aaaand, that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.
Dwight: I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! I never go out on a Thursday night. What the hell was I thinking?
Stanley: Sometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in their words.
Michael: Really?
Stanley: Oh yes. Let's listen to it again. And this time, really listen to the pauses.
Michael: God. Stanley, that's frickin brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets? I'm sorry...
Stanley: Oh, it's OK. I did learn it on the streets. On the ghetto in fact.
Michael: No kidding?
Stanley: [cut to talking head] It's all about my bonus.
Pam: Michael and Jan definitely made out, maybe more.
Jim: Oh, yelch. [pause] Oh! Also, it is Thursday, but Dwight thinks it's Friday. So, keep that going.
Pam: Yay!
Angela: I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the youth beauty pageant circuit, and I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny.
Jan: I expect you to forget anything that you think may have happened between us and exhibit completely professional behavior.
Michael: Been thinking about you.
Michael: Pam, I have ideas on a daily basis. I know I do. I have a clear memory of telling people my ideas. Um, is there any chance that you wrote any of my ideas down? Like in a folder? A little idea folder?
Pam: [shaking her head] Sorry.
Michael: That's unfortunate.
Michael: Attention please. Jan Levinson's coming very soon and so we're going to have our weekly suggestion box meeting. So you can get in your constructive compliments ASAP.
Ryan: Don't you mean "constructive criticism?"
Michael: What did I say?
Kelly: You said "constructive compliments." That doesn't make any sense.
Michael: Well Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment, so maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions. 'Kay?
Michael: It's nice to see you.
Jan: Nice to see you too, Michael.
Michael: Really?
Jan: Not like that.
Michael: I'm a little confused, because at first its like, all "Kissy Kissy." And then its like, all regret because "Oh, I regret that. But, wait. I'm still gonna call you. But-- But! We're just gonna talk business. And I may come down there and fire you if you don't do your job." But what were we talking about when we first kissed? Business.
Jan: So are you still in the middle of the Performance Reviews then?
Michael: Oh, no no. I finished all of that. I'm very fast. I'm not too fast. Not like "Wam bam, thank you ma'am." But I do say "Thank you ma'am." Not like "Wam bam." Not that there's anything wrong with "Wam bam..." If it's consensual.
Michael: Can I ask you a question?
Jan: No.
Michael: This is a business question. It's nothing personal. I promise.
Jan: Fine.
Michael: Are you wearing new perfume today?
Jan: How is that a business question?
Michael: Well, you're wearing it at the office. And, [sniffs around Jan] it's-- I'm sorry, no offense, but it's really sexy.
Jan: Please don't smell me, Michael.
Michael: Hold on. [to Pam on speakerphone] Yes Pam?
Pam: Michael, it's time for the suggestion box meeting.
Michael: I'm kind of in the middle of something. I wish you wouldn't interrupt.
Pam: You told me to buzz you about the suggestion box meeting when Jan was here.
Michael: I did not-- not-- not use those words.
Jan: I'd like to sit in on that meeting. [to Pam] Is it happening right now?
Michael: No, it's in like, ten minutes.
Pam: Everyone's waiting in the conference room.
Jan: Great. Very good.

[edit] Email Surveillance [2.9]

Improv Classmate 1: [leaving the class] How do we get to Bernie's Tavern from here?
Improv Classmate 2: Oh don't worry, we're all gonna carpool.
Michael: So Bernie's huh? We're all going to Bernie's?
Improv Classmate 2: Oh uh sorry. We're not going as a group. This is a private friend who happens to know all of us from different ways who is throwing a private birthday thing...
Dwight: I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections...there are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory...
Kevin: I'm gonna have to delete a lot of stuff. [pause] A LOT of STUFF.
Michael: There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary, that would depress them. His bed. And I am not going to tell them that I will be reading their emails.
[In front of Michael's computer]
Michael: Yeah, I tried to install it myself, but you guys have these things so password protected...
IT Guy: That just means you have to enter your password. What's your password Michael?
Michael: Um...
IT Guy: [sees yellow post-it note on Michael's monitor] Oh...it's '1234'.
Michael: [on his approach to improv] Think about this, what is the most exciting thing that can happen on TV or in movies, or in real-life? Somebody has a gun. That's why I always start with a gun, because you can't top it. You just can't.
Improv Classmate 1: I'm looking for my doctor. He's an angry midget.
Michael: BOOM! Agent Michael Scarn, I see through your ruse! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! ["shoots" people in improv scene]
Improv Classmate 2: I'm not even in this scene!
Michael: BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! [classmate falls anyway]
Improv Instructor: Michael, c'mon, what are you doing?
Michael: I'm making the scene better! The old scene was boring.
Improv Instructor: No it wasn't Michael. Michael, give me your guns.
[Michael "unstraps" guns from four holsters]
[The improv instructor has told Michael that he can't use guns]
[improv exercise, a classmate is kneeling, Michael goes up to him and whispers something in his ear, and the classmate raises his hands.]
Improv Instructor: Michael, what did you tell him?
Michael: nothing...
Improv Instructor: Then why are his hands up?... Bill...
Improv Classmate 1: He told me he couldn't show it to me, but he has a gun.
Jim: My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up. [pauses] He is very real.


Ryan: Hey, is Katy coming?
Jim: I have not really talked to her lately
Ryan: Do you mind if I give her a call?
Jim: We can talk about that later

[edit] Christmas Party [2.10]

Phyllis: Everyone, this is my boyfriend Bob.
Kevin: Kevin Malone.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley: Stanley Hudson.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan: Ryan Howard.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan: What line of work you in, Bob?
Michael: Stupid corporate wet blankets...it's not like booze ever killed anyone.
Michael: You're the expert, is this enough to get 20 people plastered?
Store Clerk: 15 bottles of vodka? Yeah, that should do it.
Michael: Happy birthday Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.
Michael: Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say “Hey man, I love you this many dollars-worth”.
Michael: So Phyllis is basically saying “Hey Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year, but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt’s-worth”. I gave Ryan an iPod!

[Michael runs in wearing a santa hat and beard, pointing to three women and a man]

Michael: Ho ho ho!...PIMP!
Michael: Yaaaaaaankee swap!
Dwight: Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets Christmas
[Kelly kisses Dwight]
Dwight: What are you doing?!
Kelly: I don't know
Dwight: You shouldn't do things like that. A man's supposed to do that.
[Angela looks in the distance]
Michael: We are going to sell that tree to charity. Because that's what Christmas is all about.
Kevin: I got myself in secret santa. I was supposed to tell somebody... but I didn't.

[edit] Booze Cruise [2.11]

Dwight: ["steering" the ship] Don't worry Michael, I'm taking us to shore!
Michael: It's a fake wheel, dummy!
Michael: What is with the guy jumping overboard? If he had just waited and heard what I had to say, he would be motivated right now, and not all wet.
Michael: It's a booze cruise!
Meredith: ALL RIGHT!
Captain Jack: But I'm not only your ship's captain, I'm also your PARTY CAPTAIN!
Michael: YEAH, I'M YOUR PARTY CAPTAIN TOO!...
Captain Jack: Michael, please...
Michael: And we are gonna... rock it!
Captain Jack: If you would just...
Michael: You are gonna put on your dancin' shoes later on! If the boat's rockin', don't come knockin'!
Michael: Dancing... is... a primitive art-form... used in ancient times to express oneself with... the body! And communicate!
Oscar: Last year Michael's theme was 'bowl over the competition.' So guess where we went.
Michael: Who's seen Titanic?
Jim: I'm not really sure what movie you’re talking about. Are you sure you've got the title right?
Pam: I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October.
Phyllis: [during Michael's Titanic analogy] Michael, everyone in the engine room drowns.
Michael: Thank you, spoiler alert!

[Walk out onto deck, by railing]

Pam: Getting kinda rowdy down there.
Jim: Yeah. Darryl, Darryl, Darryl.
Pam: [giggles] [pauses] Sometimes I just don't get Roy.
Jim: Well...

(pause)

Pam: Well, I mean, I don't know.

(long pause)

Pam: So... What's it like dating a cheerleader?

[Both Laugh]

Jim: [Shaking head] Oh... um...

(very long pause) [Pam and Jim stare into each other's eyes]

Pam: [smiles] I'm cold.. [walks back inside]
Captain Jack: I need a volunteer to come up and hold my stick.
Dwight: Me me me!
Captain Jack: Ah. Usually it's a woman.
Dwight: I'm stronger.
Dwight: Seasick? Captain Jack says you should look at the moon.
Michael: Captain Jack's a fart face.
Michael: I'm on medication.
Brenda: Really? What?
Michael: Vomicillin. [throws up]
Jim: What happened to you?
Michael: Captain Jack has a problem with authority.
Jim: Oh, right, 'cause you announced that his ship was sinking.
Michael: He just totally lost it. If you ask me he caused the panic.
Angela: Hey, come inside and talk to me.
Dwight: I can't! Do you want us to run aground woman!?
Michael: You know what Brenda, could we have a moment alone?
Brenda: Jan said if you asked me that I was supposed to say no.
Dwight: I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four, and I was great and I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.
Katy: Do you think that will ever be us?
Jim: No.
Katy: What is wrong with you? Why did you even bring me here tonight?
Jim: I dunno. Let's break up.
Jim: To tell you the truth, I used to have a big thing for Pam. So...
Michael: Really. You're kidding me. You and Pam? Wow. I would have never put you two together... did you really... you really hid it well. God. I usually have a radar for stuff like that. [sighs]
Michael: Never, ever, ever, give up.
Michael: BFD. Engaged ain't married.
Michael: I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year, and... it wasn't the actual course, you have to pay for the actual course. But it talked about the actual course and I've incorporated a lot of his ideas into my own course.
Michael: Now on this ship that is the office, what is the sales department? Anyone?
Darryl: How about the sales department is the sails?
Michael: Yes Darryl, the sales department makes sales.
Dwight:[Singing] What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor, Early in the morning?
Jim: You know what, I would save the receptionist. Just wanted to clear that up.
Michael: In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain; on a boat, who knows, it's nebulous.

[edit] The Injury [2.12]

Jim: So where are you shipping your foot?
Michael: Ha ha ha. So where are you shipping...
Dwight: YOUR foot?
Creed: I was in an iron lung when I was a teenager.
Michael: How old are you?
Michael: The point is, I am the only one here with a legitimate disability, although I'm sure Stanley's had his fair share of obstacles.
Stanley: I'm not disabled, and neither are you.
Michael: Well what does this look like? [shows his bubble-wrap cast]
Stanley: Mailboxes Etc.?
Michael: Dwight, what's your middle name?
Dwight: [Looking dazed] Danger.
Michael: Something with a 'K'.
Jim: It's Kurt. Wow, I'm so sad I know that.
Michael: What do I write under "reason for visit?"
Jim: Concussion. [Michael scratches something out] What'd you write?
Michael: ..."Bringing someone to the hospital."
Jim: Oh, you thought they meant your reason for visit.
Michael: No, you know what? This isn't about me anymore.
Pam: Oh no. Dwight isn't my friend… [panicked] Oh my God! Dwight's kind of my friend.
Michael: Pam, will you rub butter on my foot?
Pam: No.
Michael: Please? I have Country Crock.
Kevin: [to Michael on phone] Can you hop?
Michael: I tried hopping, Kevin. I bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a protuberance.
Michael: Let me ask you something. How long does it take you to do something simple? Everyday. Like brushing your teeth in the morning.
Billy: [in a wheelchair] I dunno. Like thirty seconds.
Michael: Oh my God. That's three times as long as it takes me.
Michael: [after he fell off the toilet] Get Ryan! He needs to lift me, and he needs to clean me up a bit...bring a wet towel.
Toby: Ryan is [Ryan drags his finger across his throat] ...dead.
(Michael tries to take the bottle of liquor that Dwight found in Meredith's minivan when he tries to drink)
Michael: Dwight, put the bottle down or you're fired!
Dwight: You can't fire me! I don't work in this van!
Dwight: Where are we going?
Jim: [lying to get Dwight to the hospital] Chuck E. Cheese.
Michael: Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese.
Jim: We're going to the hospital, Michael.
Michael: I know, I'm just saying.
Michael: I wanted all of you to take a look at a few of the many, many disabled icons who have contributed so much to our society.
Jim: Quick question, uhh, why is Tom Hanks on the wall?
Ryan: Twice?
Michael: Good question. Forrest Gump—mentally challenged, Philadelphia—AIDS.
Kevin: I think that's from Big.
Michael: I don't think so, no.
Kelly: Yeah, he's dancing on a piano with Robert Loggia.
Michael: He grew into a man overnight. Rare disability. It still works.
Dwight: I'm coming, Michael!
Michael: Oh God, a minivan! What is Meredith's problem?
Jim: Uh, I think she has a kid.
Michael: Yeah she has one kid and no husband. She's not going to find one driving one of these things around!
Michael: Hello? Please don't send Dwight.
(Dwight drives off, even though he just hit a pole with his car, threw up, and the front bumper of his car was knocked off.)
Jim: Dwight! You forgot your bumper!
Michael:I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me, and since I don't have a butler I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill, then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again, then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me, it's a perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill (shows burnt foot wrapped in bubble wrap) and it clamped down on my foot. That's it, I don't see what's so hard to believe about that.
(Dwight imitating a helicopter)
Dwight: Chu chu chu chu
Jim: What are you doing?
Dwight: Vietnam sounds.
Ryan: I ground up four extra-strength Aspirin and put them in Michael's pudding. I do the same with my dog to get him to take his heartworm medicine.
Toby: [watches Ryan as he takes a big bite from his string cheese] Wow, you just dive right in.
Ryan: You know, around age 12, I just started going for it.
(Jim is popping the bubble wrap Michael is using as a cast):
Michael: Please stop popping my cast!
Dwight: [Looking at Creed] Dad?
Jim: I wanna clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill.
Dwight: [To Pam] Ok, see you later, Pan.
Pam: ... "Pan?"
Dwight: [Pam helps him up] Your breath... it smells like chicken soup.
Pam: I know.
Dwight: I have to go to the hospital.
Pam: I know.
Dwight: Where are we going?
Pam: I just want to say goodbye, okay?
Dwight: Why? I'll be back.
Pam: I know, but it's going to be different.
Dwight: Why?
Pam: It's just... hard to explain.
Dwight: Oh, Pam, you're adorable.
Pam: My goodness! Come here. [They hug]
Dwight: Aw, huggie hugs!
Michael: Ryan—who is supposed to be dead.
Doctor: Does the area look red and swollen?
Dwight: That's what she said.
Michael: That's my joke—dammit, Dwight!
Pam: Dunder Mifflen this is Pam
Jim: (While at the hospital on his cell phone) Dunder Mifflin this is Jim

[edit] The Secret [2.13]

[Start episode, Jim at Pam’s desk]
Jim: Nothing much what’s up with you?
Pam: (laughs) I cannot believe I fell for that…
[Michael walks in]
Michael: Ah hah, what? What, where’s the funny? Give it to me…
Jim: Um, is it me or does it smell like updog in here?
Michael: What’s updog?
Jim: Nothing much, what’s up with you?
[Michael laughs]
Michael: Wow, I walked right into that… ah... that’s brilliant…
[Michael trying to tell the joke later]
Michael: Hey Stanley, is that jacket made of updog?
Stanley: I’m on the phone…
Michael: (Awkward silence, then walks away)
[Try #2 in the break room, as Ryan pours coffee]
Michael: Mmm… what flavor coffee is that... updog?
Ryan: What?
Michael: I dunno, nothing, what’s up with you?
Ryan: Huh?
Michael: No... (realizes joke didn't work) damn it... (leaves room)
[Try #3, cut to Kevin after Michael tries to tell the joke]
Kevin: What does that mean?
Michael: What does what mean?
Kevin: That thing you just said?
Michael: Forget it… (walks away, sees Dwight)
Michael: Dwight! Hey is it me, or does this place smell like updog?
Dwight: What’s updog?
Michael: GOTCHA! HAHAHAHA… oh God… (realizes he didn’t do the joke right). Crap.. (awkward silence). Nothing, how are you doing?
Dwight: (smiling) Good! How are you doing?
(Jim mouths "So close" the camera)
Ryan: If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I'd ever been here. And I'd forget, too.
Ryan: Creed? Did you organize the menu book?
Creed: Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis.
Ryan: No...it was mandatory.
Creed: Oh I thought it was a volunteer thing.
Michael: What do you like best about Pam?
Jim: Oh, I really don't wanna talk about it.
Michael: What is it, is it her legs, her boobs, or?
Jim: Um, she's easy to talk to, I guess. And, she's got a really good sense of humor.
Michael: Really?
Jim: Mmm-hmm.
Michael: Never gets any of my jokes.
Jim: How 'bout you?
Michael: Her boobs. Definitely.
Jim: [surprised] Wow. That's not what I meant.
Pam: What did you guys talk about?
Jim: Oh, just you know - politics, literature... [holds up Hooter's T-shirt]
Pam: I hate you.
Kelly: Jim, why didn't you tell me that you had a crush on Pam?
Pam: Did you find anything good in your desk?
Jim: Uh... a coupon for a free sandwich.
Pam: Score.
Jim: It expired in August. And, my cell phone charger from two years ago.
Pam: Big day.
Jim: Big day.
[Oscar is seen driving into his driveway with his boyfriend]
Dwight: Guess what I found out about Oscar tonight? He was lying about being sick!
Michael: They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. I say an empty desk means an...
Dwight: Empty mind.
Michael: I was not going to say that.
Michael: Peach Ice Tea, you're gonna hate it.
Dwight: Otherwise it's just malfeasance for malfeasance's sake.
Jim: Hey can I talk to you for a sec
Pam: Sure Whats up?
Jim: I sorta, this is stupid, I told Michael I had a crush on you when you first started
Pam: Oh
Jim: Its totally not a big deal anymore
Pam: Yeah, I mean I know, I mean I could tell
Jim: Oh, you could see right through me
Pam: So you totally gonna be awkward around me
Jim: Yeah I hope thats ok
Jim: And Pam, it was a long time ago
Dwight: [to Ryan] Do you think? Or do you know?
Ryan: I think.
Michael:Why do I like Hooters? Well, I will give you two reasons. The boobs and the hot wings.
Michael:[to the Hooters waitress] Hi, Dana. I'm Michael and this is Jim. And we're brothers.
Jim: No, we're not.
Phyllis: Angela, who would you choose? Jim or Roy?
Angela: It's none of our business. Roy.
Michael: I don't want to be Shila. I want to be Michael.

[edit] The Carpet [2.14]

Michael:[After discovering someone has defecated in his office] You know what? I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office. It's the only thing that makes any sense.
Michael: I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talking about.
Stanley: That's not what what a hate crime is.
Michael: Well I hated it. A lot!
Michael: I am a big Fear Factor fan. I'm a fan of anything Joe Rogan does actually.
Michael: I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away.
Kelly: [telling Jim what to say to Ryan] Just tell him that I'm a friendly thing, I'm mean I'm not a slut but who knows *giggles*
Michael: Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them, but now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask so they can hear me say, "Uhh...no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."
Kevin: Let me out Michael, I can't hold my breath that long.
Jim: What do you think of Kelly?
Ryan: I don't know. It depends if you like a little junk in the... [Sees camera] She's really cool.
Michael: Hello
Packer: Hello, Im looking for a gay nerd named Michael Scott
Michael: Who is this? How did you get this number?
Packer: Your mom, you gay nerd!
Michael: Oh, its Packer! PACKSTER!
Packer: Hey did you get my package I left for you
Michael: What package? Where?
Packer: The one in your office
Michael: Guys, did you see a package in my office?
Roy: You mean...the thing?
Packer: HA HA HA
Michael: OH...It was Packer! PACKER!

[edit] Boys and Girls [2.15]

Pam: Today's a "Women in the Workplace" thing. Jan's coming in from corporate to talk to all the women about, um, I don't know what. But Michael's not allowed. She said that about five times.
Michael: I just have a few things I want to say.
Jan: What are you doing?
Michael: Just hear me out. What is more important than quality? Equality. Now, studies show that today's woman, the "Ally McBeal woman" as I call her, is at a crossroads.
Jan: [warningly] Michael...
Michael: No, just-- you have come a long way, baby! But I just wanna keep it within reason. They did this up in Albany, and they ended up turning the break room into a lactation room, which is disgusting.
Jan: Now you're really not allowed in this session.
Michael: Well, I'm their boss.
Jan: I'm your boss.
Michael: "Women in the Workplace"...yeah, translation: I have been banned from my own conference room so that Jan can talk in secret to all the girls-- oh, sorry "women of the workplace." About what? I don't know. Clothes. Me.
Dwight: It's a terrible idea.
Jim: What is?
Dwight: Them in there all together. They stay in there too long, they're gonna get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.
Jan: I don't know what you're doing here, Michael, but it's very disruptive.
Michael: Just having a little "Guys in the Workplace" thing. [to the men] Why can't boys play with dolls? Why does society force us to use urinals, when sitting down is far more comfortable?
Jan: Can you please do this somewhere else, Michael?
[Dwight and company are descending into the warehouse for a 'mens-day']
Dwight: Remember on Lost when they meet "the Others"?
Michael : These guys are down there. They are real men doing real man’s work. We are going to learn how a warehouse works. Oh, I think this is gonna work out great because managing the warehouse is a very important part of my job, and I haven’t been there in months.
Michael: There's Roy, riding the big rig! [to the camera] Um, so Roy is actually going to marrying Pam sometime this summer. And, uh, she's our receptionist, sort of a "Brangelina" thing.
Roy: Why?
Michael: Brangelina is the Brad Pitt and Angelina.
Roy: I don't understand.
Michael: Roy and Pam, it's a Ram! It's a "Ram" thing!
Michael : This is Darryl, one of our warehouse staff. Darryl, what is your biggest fear?
Darryl : My biggest fear is that someone will distract us from getting all the shipments out on time.
Michael : Let’s start with the warehouse. What bothers you as guys? You know?
Darryl : My priority is safety.
Michael : Ok.
Darryl : So it really bothers me when somebody comes in here speeding around on a lift, playing with it like a toy. It kind of gets under my skin, ok?
Michael : Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shh, shh.
Kevin: I bet Roy heard about you liking Pam. I bet he'll try to beat you up.
Jim: Thanks for the heads up, Kev.
Kevin: I got your back if he does. [pause] But try to stay out of it.
Michael: [after writing a long division problem on the board in the warehouse] Just in case there's someone down here who shouldn't be. Little "Good Will Hunting" situation.
Michael: Now you may look around and see two groups here: white-collar and blue-collar. But I don't see it that way, and you know why not? Because I am collar blind.
Michael : Everyone, guys. Circle up, please. Come on over. Bring your chairs. Toby, come on over. You’re a guy… too. Sort of.
Jan: Why don't we go around the table and all say something that we know we're good at? I will start. I am good at public speaking.
Meredith: Hi, I'm Meredith, and I'm an al-- good at supplier relations.
Roy: I'm glad she has a friend at work that she can get through the day with. That way she's not all, "blah blah blah" when she gets home.
Jim: Yeah, I like talking to her too.
Meredith: In five years, I'd like to be five years sober.
Jan: That is an excellent goal!
Meredith: Four and a half.
Kelly: I'll tell you one thing, I am not going to be one of those women schlepping her kids around in a minivan.
Jan: Great! Uh-huh!
Kelly: I want an SUV. With three rows of seats.
Dwight: Michael wants us to bond, so we need topics for conversation.
Jim: Ponies!
Dwight: No.
Ryan: How about rainbows?
Dwight: No.
Jim: Flowers?
Ryan: Makeup?
Michael: [after making a huge mess in the warehouse] We'll get somebody to clean that up.
Darryl: We're the ones that gotta clean that up!
Lonny: [throwing a box] DAMMIT MICHAEL!
Roy : Pam shushes me. It drives me crazy.
Michael : I hate shushing, you know? That’s the thing. What b–ok, what is our… beef as… human men.
Lonny : You know, that’s a good question, Hasselhoff.
Roy: I hate it when girls insist on taking them out to new restaurants every weekend night and then they're like, 'When are we gonna go out on a DATE date?'
Darryl : Oh, I hate that, too, man.
Michael : Exactly!
Kevin : That sucks so hard.
Michael : It totally sucks!
Dwight : And then they make you drive ‘em to church the next morning. Like, gas ain’t free!
Jan: Dress for the job you want, not the job you have
[Talking Head]
Angela: Judging from her attire, Jan aspires to be a whore.
Jim: You gotta take a chance on something sometime, Pam.
Michael: Rich people like pizza, poor people like pizza. White people like pizza, black people like pizza. [pause] Do black people like pizza?

[edit] Valentine's Day [2.16]

Pam: Sometimes the gift is really about the gesture, you know, like, what it means, instead of what it is.
Dwight: You mean ... like a ham?
Pam: No. Not like a ham.
Jan: Surely you aren't serious about this, Michael.
Michael: Of course I'm serious. And don't call me Shirley. [Turns to the camera] "Airplane."
Dwight:Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.
Dwight: What's this on my desk?
Jim: It's a box.
Dwight: But who left it here...and to what purpose?
Michael: New York, New York. The city so nice, they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name.
Michael: Here it is. Heart of New York City. Times Square. Named for the...good times you have when you're in it.
Michael: Scranton is great, but New York is like Scranton on acid. No, on speed. Nah. On steroids.
Jan: Nervous? No, I'm not nervous. Well, I mean, I guess I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous. Um, the new CFO is judging me on this too. And, well, it is Michael. So...yeah, I’m very nervous.
Dwight: It's me. I'm the bobblehead!
Jim: What's up Kelly?
Kelly: Nothing, except Oh! Last night Ryan and I finally hooked up!
Michael: That's Tina Fey, That's Tina Fey from Saturday Night Live! Hello, Hi, excuse me, oh sorry...
Conan O'Brien walks by]
Michael: Hi, Hello, thought I saw Tina Fey...What? He was here? When? When I was looking at the fake Tina Fey?
[Pam delivers a gift to Oscar]
Angela: Nothing for me?
Pam: Join the club.
Ryan: (about Kelly) I hooked up with her on February 13th.
Pam: (about Michael's Valentine's Day card) He even has a good line this year: 'Me so thorny.'

[edit] Dwight's Speech [2.17]

Michael: Pam, I'm public speaking, so please stop public interrupting me.
Dwight's Speech: BLOOD ALONE MOVES THE WHEELS OF HISTORY! [pause] Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation - which everyone finds during the day - how long we have been striving for greatness? [bangs fists] Not only the years we've been at war – the war of work – but from the moment as a child, when we realize that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle [bangs fists again] a never-ending fight, I say to you [bangs again] and you will understand that it is a privilege to fight.[pause] WE ARE WARRIORS! [mild applause] Salesmen of Northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour. [even bigger applause as Dwight gives a maniacal sounding laugh] No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself! Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They’ll conjure up images of used car dealers, and door to door charlatans. This is our duty to change their perception. I say, salesman – and women – of the world... unite! We must never acquiesce, for it is together... TOGETHER THAT WE PREVAIL. WE MUST NEVER CEDE CONTROL OF THE MOTHERLAND...
Audience: ...FOR IT IS TOGETHER THAT WE PREVAIL!
[thunderous applause]
Jim: Dwight, if you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Dwight: I CAN travel anywhere, except Cuba, and I WILL travel to New Zealand and walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor and I will hike Mount Doom.
Jim: Dwight, The key to being a good public speaker is waving your arms in the air and pounding your fists on the table. A lot.
Dwight: You are so lucky you don't have this problem Jim. What was the ninth place prize again, a loaf of bread?
Jim: [Regarding Dwight's award] It is literally the highest possible honor that a northeastern Pennsylvania-based midsize paper company regional salesman can attain.


Dwight: When I was in the 6th grade, I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I mispelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure'.
Michael: Actually, this would be good practice for your wedding toast.
Pam:Um, the bride doesn't...Have you ever been to a wedding?
Michael: All right Dwight, I want you to get up here and show us what you've learned
Dwight: Good Morning, Vietnam!
Michael: I'm very sorry, I did not know you were wearing a hearing aid. I thought you were just speaking abnormally.

[edit] Take Your Daughter to Work Day [2.18]

Kevin: Abby's my fiancée Stacey's daughter. I think she'll have a good time. I just hope she doesn't look in my computer...actually, I better go check. (runs off)
Stanley: [Screaming at Ryan] That little girl is a child! I don’t want see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon, do you understand?
Ryan: Yes, I-
Stanley: Boy, have you lost your mind, cause I’ll help you find it! Whatcha looking for, ain’t nobody gonna help you out there, Jesus could come through that door, he’s not going to help you, if you don’t stop sniffing after my child!:
[cut to Ryan]
Ryan: Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.
Pam: I am actually looking forward to Take Your Daughter to Work day. I am not great with kids, but I want to get better. Because I'm getting married. So I put out a bunch of extra candy on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. Like the witch in Hansel and Gretel.
Sasha: [To Phyllis] Are you Mother Goose?
Michael: The kids don't wanna hear some weirdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandma read to you!
Sasha: What's a Nazi?
Michael: 'What's a Nazi?'?
Dwight: Nazi was a fascist movement from the 1930's--
Michael: No no no! Don't talk about Nazis in front of-- You know what? They're gonna have nightmares so why don't you just shut it?
Dwight: I was gonna teach the children how to make cornhusk dolls.
Michael: [sighs] Why don't you just leave? Okay?
Dwight: Okay.
Jake: Bye Mr. Poop.
Michael: Alright. There goes Mr. Poop. Now, who likes Dane Cook?
Michael: Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. [types something] 'Little Kid Lover'. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
Michael: This is Creed, and he is in charge of...something...right?
Creed: That is correct.
Creed: [to the kids] Ya ever seen a foot with four toes?
Michael: I'm like Superman and the people who work here are like the citizens of Gotham City.
Jim and Dwight: That's Batman.
Michael: Okay, fine, I'll be Aquaman. Where does he live?
Jim and Dwight: The ocean.
Michael: I work with a bunch of nerds!
Michael: You need someone in the middle to facilitate--
Jake: You're just a middleman.
Michael: I'm not just a middleman.
Melissa: Wait, why doesn't the manufacturer just sell the paper directly to people?
Michael: You are describing Office Depot. And they are kind of running us out of business.
Dwight: [from his desk] We have better service than they do!
Dwight: [to Toby's daughter] Hello, tiny one. YOU ARE THE FUTURE!

[edit] Michael's Birthday [2.19]

Michael: Oh, fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So I have a perfect icebreaker if I ever meet Teri Hatcher.
Pam: If I knew I had a week to live, I would probably go to Europe. And South America. And the Grand Canyon. And I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. It would be a pretty busy week.
Dwight: OK, that is not an eight-foot sub.
Delivery Boy: Uh, we don't make an eight-foot sub. This is eight one-foot subs.
Dwight: F.
Dwight: (After he didn't tip the sub man) Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
Pam: [We got Kevin] 69 Cup-of-Noodles.
Jim: Which we realize sounds crass, but it is his favorite number.
Pam: And his favorite lunch.
Michael: You know what the best medicine is?
Kevin: The doctor said a combination of Interferon and Dacarbazine.
Michael: And laughter.
Michael: Hey Pam? All that stuff with Kevin...pretty scary. I'm thinking that, uh, next time you're in the shower, you should check yourself out, you know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking timebags.
Kevin: (after getting the results of his skin cancer test) It's negative!
Michael: God...we're gonna beat this, OK? C'mere...(hugs Kevin)
[Later]
Michael: Well apparently in the medicine community, negative means 'good.' Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community that would be chaos.
[Dwight and Angela speak in "code" to hide their office romance from Ryan]
Dwight: What about that meeting later...to discuss finances?
Angela: ...Yes. (whispered) But don't expect any cookies.
Dwight: (whispered) But what if I'm hungry?
Angela: (whispered) No cookies!
Kelly: I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. [thinks about it] That and my sister's.
Toby: Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from that e-mail?
Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?
Michael: New suit it's from Italy...[Checks tag] actually, Bulgaria.
Michael: I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this [Points at a picture of James Dean]
Dwight:It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal.
Jim: [Sees the store P.A.] I dare you to make an announcement.
Pam: Oh, you dare me? How old are you?
Jim: Just quit stalling
Pam: [Speaks into P.A.] Luke, this is your father, come set the table for dinner.
Jim: You're such a dork. [Stares at Pam lovingly]
Pam: [Speaks into P.A.] Jim Halpert, price check on fabric softener at a timely..
Rite Aid Employee: Ma'am, please don't play with that. That is not a toy.
Pam: [Into the P.A.] Oh, I'm sorry. [To Rite Aid Employee] Im sorry.
Jim: [Looks at Pam walking past shaking his head with a blank stare] How old are you?
Pam: I hate you.

[edit] Drug Testing [2.20]

Oscar: So, Pam told me you do a great Stanley impression. I'd love to hear it.
Jim: Oh, um. "Why do you keep CCing me on things that have nothing to do with me?"
Stanley: [enters] Is that supposed to be me?
Jim: Oh, hey, Stanley. Uh, I was just doing an impression.
Stanley: I do not think that is funny.
Pam: He does everyone in the office.
Stanley: Hmph. [leaves]
Jim and Pam: "I do not think that is funny."
Dwight: OK. I'm going to have to search your car. Give me your keys.
Ryan: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight: Don't make me do this the hard way.
Ryan: What's the hard way?
Dwight: I go down to the police station, on my lunch break. I tell a police officer (I know several) what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.
Ryan: Yeah, let's do it that way.
[Viewing a picture of marijuana]
Creed: That is "Northern Lights". Cannabis indica.
Dwight: [sighs]. No, it's marijuana.
Jim: I'm just saying you can't be sure that it wasn't you.
Dwight: That's ri