The Order of the Stick
- Elan: Hi, Haley. Look, I found all these free swords. They were in my spleen.
- Eugene Greenhilt: Hey, that deal was very clear: 'Til death do us part. Once I shuffle off the mortal coil, I'm free to play the field.
- Belkar Bitterleaf: I have an idea. It starts with "s" and ends with "litting their throats."
- Xykon: Y'know, I've destroyed entire towns, and the most I got from the surviving families were a few snarky comments. You, sir, have a serious problem with overreaction.
- Elan: It's true what they say: "Hard work may pay off in the long run, but laziness always pays off right now!"
- Belkar: Tell me, is being a complete and utter moron a prerequisite for the class, or a side effect of taking a level?
- Gortok: Let Gortok answer your question with a question: Who will be the moron after Gortok's white-hot anger crushes your little body into a mangled bloody pulp while Gortok sings a jaunty tune to accompany your unanswered cries for mercy?
- Strip 132: Kindred Spirits
- Xykon: I think I just had an evilgasm.
- Belkar: It's like the old song says: If I can kill it here, I can kill it anywhere.
- Miko: The proper term is "smite evil", not "bump uglies."
- Miko: By the Twelve Gods and in the name of Lord Shojo, I demand to know: Who removed the tag from this mattress?!?
- Belkar: Hey Sweet Thing, wanna hold my Rod of Lordly Might? If you push the right button, it might extend!
- Belkar: It's as true today as when I started adventuring: "When in doubt, set something on fire."
- Celia: Hey, I don't make the crazy rules, I just twist them to my purpose.
- Redcloak: So help me, if you make me sail a ship made of hobgoblin corpses across the ocean, I will find a way to make you pay.
- Roy: Truly, your wit has never been equaled. Surpassed, often, but never equaled.
- Durkon: How will I finally be returnin' ta me beloved dwarven homelands?
- The Oracle: Posthumously.
- Vaarsuvius: How will I achieve complete and total ultimate arcane power?
- The Oracle: By saying the right four words to the right being at the right time for all the wrong reasons.
- Haley: (gibberish)
- The Oracle: When the gift horse comes calling, don't look it in the mouth.
- Elan: Will this story have a happy ending?
- The Oracle: Yes - for you, at least.
- Belkar: Do I get to cause the death of any of the following: Miko, Miko's stupid horse, Roy, Vaarsuvius, or you?
- The Oracle: Yes.
- Belkar: Sweet! Which one?
- The Oracle: Next!
- Strip 331: For the Future
- Nale: Must... resist... urge to assert... heterosexuality! For the sake...of the plan!
- Shojo: Look, O-Chul, I have two tasks that need to be completed. One involves three prisoners whose existence is now a state secret. The other involves cleaning up what came out of my cat's butt this morning. And Mr. Scruffy had a very upset tummy last night, didn't he? Didn't he?
- Belkar: I AM A SEXY SHOELESS GOD OF WAR!!!
- Xykon: Goddamn, it, I forgot how much pain tends to hurt!
- Belkar: Sorry, Scarface. Looks like one of us has an appointment with that thing's esophagus, and I nominate you, on account of you not being me.
- Roy: So... I could have all the one-night stands I want, but I'd have to have them at my Mom's house ? Are you trying to make people feel guilty about sex ?
- Roy's Archon: Actually, yes. We've found that our Lawful patrons generally expect it that way.
- Strip 492: Things to Do in Heaven When You're Dead
- Haley:Anyway, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is, I won initiative, so you guys get a sneak attack each. The good news is, I don't have to bother thinking up a second half to that joke, 'cause you're all dead now.
- Haley: This story is swiftly moving from fantasy to horror - and just my luck, I'm stuck in the role of the bimbo who runs down the alley away from the monsters. I swear, if I randomly fall down and break the heel of my boot, I'm going to find Wes Craven and kick his ass.
- Elan: Fight, fight, fight, fight the urge to say, "I told you so!"
- Kazumi: I'm a goddamn baby-making, life-taking MACHINE! Why should I care how many people I have to kill? I can just make MORE in my TUMMY!
- Belkar: Solve a man's problems with violence, help him for a day. Teach a man to solve his problems with violence, help him for a lifetime.
- Nero: Call me old fashioned, but an evil ascension to power just isn't the same without someone chanting faux Latin in the backround.
- Cedrik: A good way to get a decent person to do something horrible is to convince them that they're not responsible for their actions.
- Crystal: Who's there?
- Haley: Roland.
- Crystal: Roland who?
- Haley: Roland 'Itiative, and his four friends Sneak Attack, Sneak Attack, Sneak Attack, and Sneak Attack.
- Strip 648: A Dish Best Served With +1d6 Cold Damage
- Vaarsuvius: (Upon witnessing a fat dragon fly on tiny wings) I should avoid casting any spells tonight, if only to give the laws of physics time to cry alone in the corner.
- Kil-Kil: I calculate that the empire turned a total profit of 66,435 gp on their capture.
- General Tarquin: See? Why should I get upset, they paid for these entire games and then--
- Escaping prisoner: (Throwing spear) HEY, TARQUIN!! Choke on this!
- (The spear hits the wall right next to Tarquin's head, but he does not flinch.)
- Kil-Kil: Correction: 66,437 gp.
- Tarquin: (Evil grin) Their every move makes my victory more complete.
- Strip 785: The Cost of Freedom
- Vaarsuvius: I may be in error, but I believe the appropriate proclamation is "Sneak Attack, bitch."
- Redcloak: Normally, this sort of display is more my colleague's bailiwick...
- Resistance fighter: (Realizing Redcloak has slaughtered the rest of their group) COMMANDER!
- Redcloak: (While his minions tear down resistance banners) ...but your choice in decór forced me to summon my own interior decorators.
- Redcloak: By which I mean they will be decorating mostly with your interiors.
- Strip 825: Good Thing He's Already Partial to Red
- Belkar: (Deafened by magic, already jumping to stab Nale) ELAN, IS IT COOL IF I KILL YOUR BROTHER WHAT CAN'T HEAR YOUR ANSWER SORRY!
- Malack: I'm trying to find a compromise between our positions, Brother Thundershield, but you're not making it very--
- Durkon: Thar be no compromise! Thar be no parley an' thar be no reasonable discussions! Yer a frickin' vampire, Malack! Yer a danger to everyone livin' on this continent! An' e'en if'n I I ignor'd tha, ye still cannae be 'llowed to seize this place!
- Malack: ...
- Malack: I see.
- Malack: Then there can only ever be conflict between us now.
- Durkon: Aye. 'Fraid so.
- Malack: (Looks saddened, then suddenly lunges at Durkon) Then die.
On the Origin of PCs
- Haley: Warning: Meat laced with sleep potion may cause drowsiness.
- [Page 6]
- Roy: ...Gee, thanks for this visit, Dad. I had almost forgotten how much of an anal retentive blowhard you are.
- [Page 32]
- Haley: Sneak Attack Upside the Head!
- [Page 52]
Start of Darkness
- Young Xykon: Zombification: it cures what ails you. Forever.
- [Page 8]
- Xyklon: Hey! Come back here! We're supposed to fight now!!! Sigh... guards, fetch the Ben & Jerry's.
- [Page 25]
- Female Goblin: Well... we could be dirt farmers.
- Male Goblin: Nah, the humans, got all the good dirt. Lucky bastards.
- [Page 37]
- Redcloak: I'm so glad your conversion to a life-draining mockery of all that is beautiful has proven to be such a barrel of laughs.
- [Page 66]
- Eugene Greenhilt: When you're dead, you're never going to look back and say, "Darn, I didn't spend enough time on petty revenge."
- [Page 79]
- Xykon: I ripped off my own living flesh so that I wouldn't have to admit weakness. You're strictly little league compared to that. That right there? That's the difference between bonafide true Evil with a capital "E" and your whiny "evil, but for a good cause," crap. One gets to be the butch, and one gets to be the bitch - bitch.
- [Page 109]