The Other Guys

The Other Guys is a 2010 buddy cop spoof directed by Adam McKay, and starring Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg.

Detective Allen Gamble

• How do they walk away in movies when it explodes behind them? There's no way! I call bullshit on that! When they flew the Millennium Falcon out of the Death Star and it was followed by the explosion - that was bullshit!
• I never actually put my foot all the way down to the ground with the accelerator like that. It got me slightly aroused.
• (in a ballet school) I think we all experienced our own ballet here tonight. A ballet of emotion and feelings.

Detective Terry Hoitz

• Captain, you really want to disarm this guy? Take out the batteries in the calculator.
• I'm a peacock - you gotta let me fly!
• And when I come back and bust your ass, we are locking David Ershon in the Federal Reserve!

Detective PK Highsmith

• Did someone call nine one holy shit?
• All the gun fights, all the car chases, all the sex we don't want to have with women but we have to...is all due to you.

David Ershon

• This was a very clever idea.
• (with a gun pointed at him) Wait! Computers. What if - one day... they were in charge?

Narrator

• [Highsmith and Danson] were rock stars. Then you got your jokers, your ball-busters - and the other guys.
• Cops still argue to this day why Danson and Highsmith jumped. Maybe it was just pride, having survived so many brushes with death. Maybe their egoes pushed them off. I don't know, but that shit was crazy.

Captain Gene Mauch

• Listen, guys. I'm working two jobs. I'm working here, and I got another job at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Okay? I'm doing that just to put a kid through NYU so he can explore his bisexuality and become a deejay. Now the last thing I need is a ballistics report in the unit. I'm just gonna ask you guys. Please, come on. Really. Just think about it. Just be smart.
• (to the Bed Bath & Beyond staff) "First things first: the new bath mats are here. Second thing: there's a serial rapist in Crown Heights... sorry, that's from my other job, ignore that. No, wait, don't ignore it, especially if you live in Crown Heights. Walk in pairs.

Roger Wesley

Wesley:[To Hoitz]: There are three things I love in this world: Kylie Minogue, small dimples just above a woman's buttocks...

Gamble:Beautiful features.

Wesley:...and the fear in a man's eye who knows I'm about to hurt him.

Wesley:...Listen, If you don't shut up, I'll cut your ear off with a butter knife.

Dialogue

Danson: (hanging on to the roof a speeding car) Tell me again why I decided to get on this roof?

Highsmith: I think you can chalk that up to bad lifestyle choices.

---

Highsmith: You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

Danson: Aim for the bushes?

Highsmith: (nods)

---

Watts: You remember the "be smart" speech?

Gamble: Yeah.

Watts: And what did you do about it?

Gamble: The opposite, we were not smart.

---

Hoitz: You know what I just did? I just walked out that door, saw a couple detectives and I was about to start badmouthing you behind your back. But I stopped myself because my pops taught me that a man who talks behind somebody's back is a coward.

Gamble: Wow, I actually appreciate that.

Hoitz: Good. Because I'm gonna tell you directly to your face.

Gamble: No. You don't have to.

Hoitz: No I don't like you. I think you're a fake cop. The sound of your piss hitting the urinal? It sounds feminine.

Gamble: Hmm.

Hoitz: If we were in the wild, I would attack you. Even if you weren't in my food chain, I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freakin' eat you! And then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend.

Gamble: (pause) Okay. First off - a lion? Swimming, in the ocean? Lions don't like water! If you placed it near a river or some sort of fresh water source, that makes sense. But you find yourself in the ocean, twenty-foot waves - I'm assuming it's off the coast of South Africa - coming up against a full-grown, eight-hundred-pound tuna, with his twenty or thirty friends? You lose that battle. You lose that battle nine times out of ten. And guess what? You've wandered into our school of tuna and we now have a taste of lion. We've talked to ourselves, and we've communicated and said "you know what? Lion tastes good! Let's go get some more lion!" We've developed a system to establish a beachhead and aggressively hunt you and your family. And we will corner your pride, your children, your offspring -

Hoitz: How you gonna do that?

Gamble: We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It's not gonna be days at a time, but an hour? Hour forty-five? No problem! That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get more oxygen, and then stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You're outgunned and outmanned.

(pause)

Did that go the way you thought it was gonna go? Nope.

(pause, then Hoitz throws Gamble's coffee over his shirt)

---

Hoitz: Well, Christine, this is a lovely house.

Christinith: It's Christinith. Are you stupid or are you deaf?!

Hal: Christinith!! You idiot! You come to our house, you get my wife's name right!

Hoitz: What?

Hal: Christinith!

---

Hoitz: Let's hear it from the top, every detail.

Ershon: I think the best way to tell this story is by starting at the end, briefly, then going back to the beginning; then periodically returning to the end, maybe giving different characters' perspectives throughout. Just to, you know, give it a bit of dynamism . Otherwise it's just sort of a linear story (makes yawning gesture)

Gamble: Just tell us what happened!

Ershon: I lost a bunch of money for some people and now they want it back.

---

Gamble: You're under arrest. Ok?

Ershon: What?

Gamble: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do or say can be used, umm - (to Hoitz) what's the next part?

Hoitz: As a flotation device.

Gamble: As a flotation device. Oh, you know what? That's very funny. I've never Miranda-ed anyone before.

Hoitz: Really?

Ershon: Are you guys for real? Am I being Punk'd?

---

Ershon: You could let me go, and i'll give you ten million dollars each. It's not a bribe.

Gamble: Ofcourse it's a bribe! You're offering to pay us money to not do our job.

Ershon: (shakes head) Not a bribe.

Hoitz: What the hell is this?

Gamble: It's a Prius

Hoitz: I literally feel like I'm driving around in your vagina.