The Simpsons/Season 1

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For other uses of "The Simpsons", see The Simpsons (disambiguation).

Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire[edit]

[The fourth grade class, including Bart, is singing "Jingle Bells" in the school Christmas pageant.]
Marge: Oh, listen to Bart. Doesn't he sound like an angel?
[All the other kids sing "Jingle Bells" correctly while Bart sings inappropriately by choosing alternate lyrics]
Bart: Oh, Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile lost its wheel, the Joker got awa--hey!!!
[Skinner yanks Bart out of the choir and Homer is displeased with his misbehavior.]

(Bart and Barney are trying to convince Homer to go to the dogtrack and bet his paycheck to get Christmas money)
Bart: Come on, Dad. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to The Smurfs, and it's gonna happen to us.
Homer: Oh, okay, let's go. (as Barney, Bart, and Homer are leaving): Who's Tiny Tim?

(Bart goes to the Happy Sailor Tattoo Parlor)
Bart: One "Mother," please.
Tattoo Artist: Wait a minute. How old are you?
Bart: 21, sir.
Tattoo Artist: Get in the chair.

Homer: [dressed as Santa with Bart on his lap] And what's your name, little boy?
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?

After Homer reveals he took the job as a mall Santa because there is no money for presents
Bart: I am impressed, Dad. You must really love us to do something so demeaning.

Bart the Genius[edit]

[The family is playing Scrabble.]
Bart: My turn. Kwyjibo. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O, 22 points, plus triple word score, plus 50 points for using all my letters. Game's over, I'm outta here.
[Bart's about to leave, but Homer grabs his arm.]
Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere, until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.
Bart: Kwyjibo. Uh... [looks at Homer] a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.
Marge: And a short temper.
Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape! [chases Bart]
Bart: Uh-oh! Kwyjibo on the loose!

Bart: Dad, I got to tell you something, hope you won't be too mad.
Homer: What is it, son?
Bart: I'm not a genius, dad.
Homer: What?
Bart: I cheated on the intelligent test, I'm sorry! But you then made the past few weeks great. Me and you were doing stuff together, you've helped me out with things, we're closer than we've ever been. I love you, dad, and I think if something can bring us that close, it can't possibly be bad.
[Long pause.]
Homer: Why you little...! [chases Bart]
Bart: Uh-oh! [runs]
Marge: What's going on out there?
Lisa: I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.
Marge: Oh, well.
[Bart runs into his room and closes the door. Homer pounds on it.]
Homer: YOU CAN'T STAY IN THERE FOREVER!
Bart: I can try!
Homer: March your butt right out here, NOW!
Bart: No way, man!
[Homer is about to continue pounding on the door, but stops with a crafty smile.]
Homer: [with false concern] Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better.
Bart: You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that?! I'm insulted!
[Homer howls in rage and continues pounding at the door.]

Homer's Odyssey[edit]

[The cartoon character Smilin' Joe Fission informs Bart's class about nuclear energy.]
Smilin' Joe Fission: Uh-oh. Whoops. Looks there's a little leftover nuclear waste. No problem.
[Smilin' Joe tucks the waste under a rug.]
Smilin' Joe Fission: I'll just put it where nobody'll find it for a million years.

Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Freely, first initials I. P.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Uh, is I. P. Freely here? Hey, everybody! I pee freely!
[the customers laugh]
Moe: Wait a minute... Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!
[Bart and Lisa laugh]
Homer: You'll get that punk someday, Moe.
Moe: I don't know. He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.

There's No Disgrace Like Home[edit]

Homer: Afternoon, Mr. Burns!
Mr. Burns: Ah, hello there, uh.. uh....
Homer: [whispers to Smithers] Simpson, Homer.
Smithers: [gives cue card] Here you go, sir.
Mr. Burns: Ah! Oh, yes. Oh, and this must be your lovely wife... [reads] Marge. Oh, and look a little... Lisa. Why, she's growing like a weed. And this must be... [lifts his thumb covering Bart's name] Brat!
Bart: Bart.
Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat!

Homer: Now, remember, as far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family.
Lisa: Hey, Bart! Last one in the fountain's a rotten egg!
Bart: Heey!!
Homer: D'oh! [runs after them] BE NORMAL!! BE NORMAL!!!

Marge: Homey! Get in the car!
Lisa: This is where you belong!
Bart: Yeah, Homer, room for one more!
Marge, Lisa and Bart: [chanting] One of us! One of us! One of us! One of us!
[Homer reluctantly gets in the car and envisions himself driving in Hell with the rest of the family laughing in delight. He looks across to see the perfectly normal family continue their drive to Heaven. Cut to Homer driving his family home normally while Marge looks on about to be sick.]

[Dr. Monroe diagnoses the Simpsons' problem when he sees the rest of the family drawing Homer as they see him. Not paying attention to their disgust, he gets lost and draws an airplane with bombs on them.]
Dr. Monroe: (to Homer) Well, if you had been paying attention, perhaps you would have noticed that your family sees you as a rather stern authority figure, an ogre, if you will.
Marge: Now, Doctor, that's not true.
Lisa: Ogre is such a strong word.
Bart: Right on, Doc! Another successful diagnosis.
Homer: That does it!
[Homer grabs a lamp and tries to hit Bart with it.]
Dr. Monroe: Whoa!
[Dr. Monroe takes the lamp from Homer.]
Dr. Monroe: (Chuckles) Okay, you want to kill each other. That's good. That's healthy.

Bart the General[edit]

Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this!
Bart: I guess I could do that.
Homer: What?! And violate the code of the schoolyard?! I'd rather Bart die!
Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer?!
Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see: Don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do, and what else...?

Grampa: I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children!

Bart: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody! Peace, man.

Moaning Lisa[edit]

Homer: Lisa! What did I tell ya about playing that saxamah-thing in the house?
Lisa: I was just playing the blues... Dad. [sobs]
Homer: Lisa, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. Go ahead, play your blues if it'll make you happy.
Lisa: No, that's okay, Dad. [sniff] I'll just work on my fingering, unless my fingers clacking on the keys is too loud for you.
Homer: Let's hear it.
[Lisa starts clacking for a while]
Homer: You just clack as loud as you want, Lis.

Lisa: Every day at noon the bell rings and they herd us in here for feeding time. And we sit around like cattle chewing our cuds, dreading the inevitable...
Bart: Haha! Food fight!! [everyone but Lisa food fights each other]
Janey: C'mon, Lis! Whaddaya waitin' for? Chuck that spaghetti!
Lisa: I choose not to participate.

[Mr. Largo spots Lisa wildly off-track]
Mr. Largo: [taps music stand] Lisa! [...] LISA SIMPSON!!! [Lisa stops] Lisa, there's no room for crazy bebop in "My Country, 'Tis of Thee"!
Lisa: But Mr. Largo, that's what my country's all about!
Mr. Largo: What?
Lisa: I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of its car. The idle farmer whose land has been taken away by unfeeling bureaucrats. The West Virginia coal-miner coughing—
Mr. Largo: Aw, that's all fine and good, but Lisa, none of those unpleasant people are going to be at the recital next week!

Bleeding Gums Murphy: [to Lisa] You know, you play pretty well for someone with no real problems.
Lisa: Yeah, but I don't feel any better.
Bleeding Gums Murphy: The blues isn't about feelin' better. It's about makin' other people feel worse and makin' a few bucks while you're at it.

[dreaming after the wrestling tournament to Homer and Bart, then Homer became a horrible nightmare]
Homer: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Marge: Homer, wake up. Isn't that horrible buddy dream? Instead I hope when you I did once.
Homer: That's okay Marge, I noticed became a bad dream.

Homer: Where the hell are my keys? Who stole my keys? Come on, I'm late for work! [lifts Maggie and looks underneath]
Marge: Oh, Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to your neck.
Bart: Did you check the den?
Homer: The den! Great idea!
[Homer heads into the den with Bart following him and Homer begins to pull couch apart]
Bart: Warm. No, cold. Colder. Ice cold.
Homer: You know where my keys are?
Bart: No, I'm talking about your breakfast. [laughs]
Homer: GRRRRH!!!
Bart: Did you check the rumpus room?
Homer: Rumpus room? Great idea! [runs to front door] Huh?
Lisa: Oh, Dad?
[Lisa points. The keys are still in the door lock]
Homer: D'oh!

The Call of the Simpsons[edit]

Lisa: Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.
Homer: That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.
[Marge and Lisa groan in disgust, knowing Homer has ignored their attempts to try and help him navigate the woods.]

[Marge and Lisa discuss the origin of babies]
Lisa: I heard a hideous story about it once, in the schoolyard.
Marge: Oh. Well, it's true, I'm afraid.

(Bob the RV salesman checks Homer's credit on a computer, and a siren wails when the results come back.)
Homer: Is that a good siren? Am I approved?
Bob: You ever known a siren to be good? (Chuckles) No, Mr. Simpson, it's not. It's a bad siren. That's the computer in case I went blind, telling me, "Sell the vehicle to this fella, and you're outta business." That's what the siren says. It seems that the Ultimate Behemoth is a wee bit out of your price range. And wee bit is me being polite, you couldn't afford this thing even if you lived to be a million.
Homer: Don't you have something that isn't out of my price range. I don't want to go away empty handed, Bob.
Bob: Take it easy there. Don't ruin this feeling I'm getting from you. Perhaps I can show you something a little more you.

(Bob the RV salesman shows the Simpson family the "Ultimate Behemoth". While the kids and Homer are impressed, Marge is concerned about the cost of the RV. She knows they can't afford it and is ignored every time she asks for the price on it.)
Bart: Does it have its own satellite dish, sir?
Bob: You can tell your son it has its own satellite. The VanStar One, launched last February, just for this thing, that's all.
Bart: Whoa, man!
Marge: I'm not sure that we can afford--
Homer: Does it have a deep fryer?
Bob: It has four of them--one for each part of the chicken.

The Telltale Head[edit]

[Chief Wiggum leads a press conference about the town statue.]
Chief Wiggum: [clears throat] Well, we have no witnesses, no suspects, and no leads. If anyone has any information, please dial "0" and ask for the police. That number again, "0."

[Bart skateboards down to the movie theater.]
Jimbo: Hey, hot dog.
Bart: What? [crashes into a lamp post]
Jimbo: Nice dismount, man.
[He and his friends laugh.]
Bart: Didn't hurt.
Kearney: Oh, yeah? Well, do it again!
Bart: Nah. Might land on my face and end up looking like you.

Life on the Fast Lane[edit]

[Marge accidentally throws her bowling ball into the adjacent lane, which happens to be Jacques' lane.]
Marge: I'm--I'm awfully sorry.
Jacques: Entirely my fault. It is nice to meet you, [picks up Marge's ball and looks at it] Homer.
Marge: Oh, no, no. Homer is my... ball's name. I'm Marge.

Jacques: Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They're far too tapered for the ball you are using. You need something lighter. More delicate. Here. Use my ball.
Marge: Hmm. No. No, thank you, Mr., um, [looks at Jacques' bowling ball] Brunswick.
Jacques: Call me Jacques.
Marge: Jacques.
Jacques: Marge.
Marge: Hmm. I'll just use my ball.
Jacques: As you wish. Many people have senseless attachments to heavy, clumsy things, such as this Homer of yours.

[Everyone is surprised except Patty and Selma who knew that Homer has been thoughtless as usual and that gift offends Marge. This time, it's a bowling ball that collasped on her birthday cake.]
Homer: Don't worry, this frosting will come right off.
[Homer is looking at the ball, while Marge is furious with him for getting her another thoughtless gift.]
Homer: Beauty, isn't she?
Marge: Well, it's hard for me to judge, (furious) since I never bowled in my life!
Homer: Well, if you don't want it, I know someone who does.
[A furious Marge huffs out a surviving candle, extremely furious with Homer once again for ruining her birthday.]

[Bart finally realizes what Lisa is saying is true about their parents' estrangement from each other. He seeks out her help.]
Bart: Lisa, Lisa, I think you're right about Dad. There's something very, very wrong here.
Lisa: Bart, welcome to stage three, Fear.
Bart:[urgently] Well, come on! We've got to do something, man!
Lisa: Sorry, Bart, I would love to help you, but I am mired in stage five, self-pity.

Homer's Night Out[edit]

[Homer weighs himself again after six months.]
Homer: OH, NO! 239 lbs?!? I'm a whale! Why are all the good things so tasty? [more serious] Well from now on, exercise every morning, Homer!
[Homer stretches in front of the bathroom mirror, just as Marge enters.]
Marge: Ohhh... Don't strain yourself, dear.
Homer: Good idea, Marge.

[Homer pays a visit to the Kwik-E-Mart, after he has unknowingly become famous from his photo with Princess Kashmir being posted all over town.]
Homer: One glazed, and one Scratch-'N-Win, please.
Apu: You look familiar, sir. Are you on the television or something?
Homer: Sorry, buddy. You got me confused with Fred Flintstone. [chuckles]
[Apu hands Homer his lottery ticket and he starts to scratch it off.]
Homer: Oh. Liberty Bell.
[Homer scratches some more and gasps.]
Homer: Another Liberty Bell! One more and I'm a millionaire. Come on, Liberty Bell, please, please, please, please, please, please!
[Homer scratches to reveal a plum.]
Homer: D'oh! That purple fruit thing. Where were you yesterday?

The Crepes of Wrath[edit]

[Principal Skinner offers a solution to Bart’s problems at school.]
Principal Skinner: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible. I don't think suspension or expulsion will do the trick. I think it behooves us all to consider deportation.
Marge: Deportation?! You mean kick Bart out of the country?!
Homer: Hear him out, Marge.

Homer: Okay, Skinner, how do we know that some headmaster in France is not pulling the same scam on us?
Skinner: Well for one thing, you will not be getting a French boy. You would be hosting an Albanian.
Homer: You mean all white with pink eyes?

[Adil and Lisa debate at the dinner table.]
Adil: How can you defend a country where five percent of the people control 95 percent of the wealth?
Lisa: I'm defending a country where people can think, and act, and worship any way they want!
Adil: Can not.
Lisa: Can too.
Adil: Can not!
Lisa: Can too!
Homer: Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.

Krusty Gets Busted[edit]

[Reverend Lovejoy leads the public burning of Krusty the Clown merchandise.]
Reverend Lovejoy: Good people, I’m so happy you’re all here tonight. But please, just a few words of caution. Now, we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze, but because these are children’s toys, the fire will spread quickly, so please stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes.

[Disguised as Krusty, Sideshow Bob makes his way to the register as Apu and Homer talk.]
Apu: What is the matter, sir? Never have I seen you look so unhappy while purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream!
Homer: The reason I look unhappy is 'cause tonight I have to see a slideshow starring my wife's sisters! Or as I call them, "The Gruesome Twosome!"
[Homer and Apu chuckle. As Homer turns and leaves, he accidentally steps on "Krusty's" foot.]
Sideshow Bob:(disguised as Krusty) OW, my foot! You lousy, stupid, clumsy...!
Homer: Sorry, pal...
[Homer screams in horror when he spots "Krusty" holding a handgun and dives head first into a potato chip display]
Sideshow Bob:(pointing gun at Apu) Hand over all your money in a paper bag!
Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery! I do work in a convenience store, you know!
[He hands over paper bag contained with money after which "Krusty" flees.]
Apu: You can emerge now from my chips. The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.
[Homer sighs in relief.]

[on the surveillance tape during the breaking news]
Homer: The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have watch a slideshow starring my wife's sisters. As far as I call them, the Gruesome Twosome.
[He laughs with Apu.]
Marge:[Embarrassed] Oh Homer.
Patty:[infuriated along with Selma] So the truth comes out.

Bart: I know Krusty's innocent, and I think I can prove it, but... I need your help.
Lisa: You do? Why?
Bart: Oh, come on, you know why.
Lisa: No, why?
Bart: I'll never forgive you for making me say this, but... you're smarter than me.
Lisa: [smug chuckle]
Bart: [holds out his hand] So, you with me?
Lisa: [slaps it] Yeah, man!

Judge: You have been charged with armed robbery. How do you plead?
Krusty: I plead guilty, Your Honor!
Courtroom gasps. Defense attorney, obviously irked, whispers to Krusty
Krusty: Oops, I mean to say I plead not guilty. Opening night jitters, heh, heh!

Prosecutor: I would like to point out how Exhibit B has been a motive behind the robbery. Krusty, do you recognize Exhibit B?
Krusty: What is that?
Prosecutor: Exhibit B. Look at the one marked "B".
[Krusty looks dumbfounded]
Prosecutor: What is the matter, can't you read?
Krusty: (sobbing) No! I admit it! I'm totally illiterate!
[Courtroom reacts with shock.]
Prosecutor: Could it be the king of children's literacy programs is himself illiterate, imagine that.
Krusty: (sobbing) Is it a crime to be illiterate?
Prosecutor: All right, all right. Okay, Krusty, this is a "B", and this is Exhibit B... betting slips! Indicating to this court that you have lost substantial amounts of money on sports gambling!
Krusty: (sobbing) Is it a crime to gamble on sporting events?
Prosecutor: Yes, it is!
Krusty: Oh.

[The words "big shoes to fill" start echoing in Bart's mind, droning out Bob's talking and he starts to catch onto something that others hadn't before. Recalling with memory, Bart remembers Homer stepped on the robber's foot, resulting in him screaming in pain. However, Bart noticed Krusty's feet were small as he walked up the steps to the courthouse. He knows that despite wearing big floppy clown shoes all the time, Krusty would never felt Homer stepping on them due to his small feet. Whereas, Sideshow Bob's feet are unbelievably large and therefore he yelled at Homer for not watching where he was going. That's when it all comes together and Bart realized that Bob had the most to gain in Krusty's downfall.]
Bart: [Outraged] Wait a minute, you did it!
Sideshow Bob: I beg your pardon?
Bart: [grabbing the microphone away from Bob and faces the camera.] Attention, fellow children! Krusty didn't rob that store! Sideshow Bob framed him and I got proof!
[He hits the end of Sideshow Bob's foot with a comedy mallet.]
Sideshow Bob: [grabbing his foot, while Bart holds the microphone on Bob] OW, MY FOOT! YOU LOUSY, STUPID, CLUMSY...!
[The kids gasp as they hear the words uttered on the security cam.]
Bart: See that? Krusty wore big floppy shoes all the time, but he's got little feet like all good-hearted people.
[Hits Sideshow Bob's other foot, causing him to fall down]
Bart: But Sideshow Bob really filled his shoes with big, ugly feet!
[Bart removes Sideshow Bob's shoe to reveal his big feet and the children turns against him for what he did to Krusty. At the police station, Eddie and Lou are watching the show and eating donuts.]
Eddie: Kid's right.
Lou: How do you suppose we missed that?
Chief Wiggum: [also eating a donut] Get off your duffs, boys! Get down to that studio!

Sideshow Bob: [in handcuffs] Yes, I admit it. I hated him! His hackneyed shennanigans robbed me of my dignity for years. I played the buffoon, while he squandered a fortune on his vulgar appetites. That's why I framed Krusty! And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for these meddling kids!
Bart: Take him away, boys.
Sideshow Bob: [Being carted off to jail] Treat kids like equals, they're people too. They're smarter than what you think! They were smart enough to catch me!

(Homer is brought down to the police station to identify Krusty the Clown in a lineup.)
Chief Wiggum: Ready, Mr. Simpson.
Homer: Yes, sir.
Chief Wiggum: Send in the clowns!
(A lineup of five clowns enters the opposite room and stands against the wall as Homer chuckles at the sight.)
Chief Wiggum: So, Simpson, which one is it?
Homer: (Giggles and Laughs) Well, if the crime is making me laugh, they're all guilty! (Laughs)
Chief Wiggum: (Impatiently) No, no! Which one is the robber?
Homer: Oh, definitely number--(Slow wheezing laugh)
Chief Wiggum: Simpson.
(Homer continues to chuckle.)
Chief Wiggum: Simpson!
Homer: (Quickly) Four.

Some Enchanted Evening[edit]

[Marge dials the babysitting service. At the Rubber Baby Buggie Bumper Babysitting Service, there are three older women, including Ms. Botz.]
Receptionist: Rubber Baby Buggie Bumper Babysitting Service.
Marge: This is Marge Simpson. I'd like a babysitter for the evening.
Receptionist: Wait a minute. The Simpsons?
[Looks over at a bulletin board with Bart, Lisa and Maggie's faces on it, warning their employees not to babysit them due to their countless misbehavior.]
Receptionist: Lady, you've got to be kidding!
[Receptionist slams the phone, continues writing, phone rings seconds later.]
Receptionist: Rubber Baby Buggie Bumper Babysitting Service.
Homer: Hello, this is Mr. Samson.
Receptionist: Did your wife just call a second ago?
Homer: No, I said Samson, not Simpson.
Receptionist: Thank God! Those Simpsons, what a bunch of savages! Especially that big ape father!
Homer: [angrily] D'oh! [Trying to keep calm] Actually, the Simpsons are neighbors of ours and we found them to be a quite misunderstood and underrated family.

Lisa: Aw, come on, Bart, not again!
Bart: [dialing the phone] Aw, where's your sense of humor?
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Hello, is Al there?
Moe: Al?
Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name: Coholic.
Moe: Lemme check... [calls] Phone call for Al. Al Coholic. Is there an Al Coholic here?
[bar denizens laugh]
Moe: Wait a minute... [to phone] Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna kill you!
[Bart and Lisa laugh]

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