The Simpsons/Season 11

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The Simpsons (season 11)

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[edit] Beyond Blunderdome [11.01]

Mel Gibson: John Travolta flew me in his jet. Now I have to help him move next weekend. He deliberately waited 'til we were in the air to ask me!

Hannah: Oh, no! We killed Mel Gibson!

Christian: You all saw it. He came at me with a knife, right?

(Trio drives up to the dummy)

Milo: Hey, it's just a dummy.

Christian: I know but he sells tickets. (Hannah and Milo are confused) Let's go.

[edit] Brother's Little Helper [11.02]

Mark McGwire:Young Bart here is right. We are spying on you, pretty much around the clock.

Bart: But why, Mr. McGwire?

Mark McGwire: Do you want to know the terrifying truth, or do you want to see me sock a few dingers?

Crowd: Dingers! Dingers!

[Burns observes Bart's tank rampage through binoculars]

Burns: Smithers, we're at war!

Smithers: I'll begin profiteering, sir.

Burns: And hoarding! Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry!

[edit] Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? [11.03]

Homer: I smell cake! Cake that says (sniff sniff) "Farewell" and (sniff sniff) "Best Wishes"!

Nelson: Your old man has an awesome nose.

Bart: Oh, that's nothing. He can hear pudding.

man #1: everything's a rave; nine thumbs up? what the hell is that?!!

Newspaper editor: ...And to protect Mother Earth, each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.

Lisa: And what percent is that?

Newspaper editor: Zero.

(Lisa frowns)

Newspaper editor: Zero’s a percent!

Marge: Only your father can take up a part-time job in a small town newspaper and end up the target of international assassins.

[edit] Treehouse of Horror X [11.04]

Tom Arnold: My shows weren't great, but I never tied people up and forced them to watch. And I could've, because I'm a big guy and I'm good with knots.

Homer: The sun?! That's the hottest place on Earth!

[edit] E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt) [11.05]

(after it's been decided that the family will live on Grampa's old farm)

Bart: I'll dig an outhouse!

Lisa: I'll weed the floor!

Marge: I'll repress the rage I'm feeling! (plasters a fake smile on her face)

(Homer is offering tomacco to Ralph Wiggum and his father, Police Chief Clancy Wiggum)

Homer: Try some, won't you?

Chief Wiggum: Go ahead, Ralphie; the stranger is offering you a treat!

Ralph Wiggum: (Takes a bit and immediately spits it out) Oh, Daddy, this tastes like Grandma!

Chief Wiggum: (Does the same) Holy Moses! It DOES tastes like Grandma!

Ralph Wiggum: I want more! (Starts devouring more tomacco)

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, me too; so we take a bushel or a peck, or...? Oh, just give 'em to me. (Joins his son)

Homer: (chuckles)

[edit] Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder [11.06]

(Homer tries to bond with Maggie by dressing up as a Teletubby)

Homer (in baby talk): Look, Maggie, I'm Homie-Womie, the Teletubby. (sternly): And I'm all man in case you heard otherwise!

Homer: [playing peek-a-boo] Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie? [uncovers his eyes] Hey, where is she?

[edit] Eight Misbehavin' [11.07]

(As Apu and Manjula await the results of the pregnancy test)

Apu: Here goes nothing.

Apu and Manjula: (as symbols appear on the tester) Baby... baby... lemon.

Manjula: All that sex for nothing.

Apu: Well, that is a pretty grim assessment.

(Apu is asleep with the babies)

Manjula: Apu, it's 4 am. You're late for work.

Apu: Oh. I just had the most beautiful dream where I died.

Manjula: Oh no you don't! Not til they're out of college.

Apu: Listen, I'll die when I want to!

[edit] Take My Wife, Sleaze [11.08]

Homer: The first meeting of Hell's Satans comes to order.

Flanders: I move that we reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all we don't want to go to hell.

Lenny: How about the Devil's Pals.

Flanders: No, see-

Moe: Or the Christ Punchers!

Meathook: (to Homer)There's only one reasonable way to settle this, you and me in the circle of death.

Marge: Ohh, I just swept the circle of death.

[edit] Grift of the Magi [11.09]

Gary Coleman: Well, well, if it isn't the biggest rip-off since "Webster."

Fat Tony: I don't get mad, I get stabby.

Principal Skinner: This is a proud day. Now when people ask if we're in compliance the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1975, I can say, we are closer than ever before!

[edit] Little Big Mom [11.10]

(Homer tries to remember what the ski instructor told him in an emergency, but his thoughts get invaded by Flanders showing off his new skiing attire.)

Flanders: Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all!

("Nothin' at all!" echoes several times.)

Homer: Stupid sexy Flanders... Ow, my legs! This is the worst pain ever!

Homer: Hello? Lollipop Land?

[Lisa sends Bart off to school and Homer off to work.]

Lisa: Here are your lunches. And no trading them for fireworks!

Homer: Aww, but Lenny just got some bottle rockets!

Lisa: You stay away from Lenny!

[edit] Faith Off [11.11]

Homer: (Cooking meat) Okay, who needs another lamb rack? (Marge and Bart nod no) Lisa? Ham hock, Try tip?

Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?

Homer: Well I think the veal died of loneliness.

Bart: Hey Brother Faith, how did you get the bucket off my dad's head?

Brother Faith: Well I didn't son, you did. God has given you the power.

Bart: Really? Hmmm.. I would think he would want to limit my power.

[edit] The Mansion Family [11.12]

[Mr Burns is filling in a medical form.]

Mr Burns: Let's see, social security number: naught, naught, naught ... naught, naught ... naught, naught, naught, two. Damn Roosevelt! Cause of parents' death: got in my way.

Doctor: Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.

Mr. Burns: You mean I have pneumonia?

Doctor: Yes.

Mr. Burns: Juvenile diabetes?

Doctor: Yes.

Mr. Burns: Hysterical pregnancy?!

Doctor: Uh, a little bit, yes. You also have thousands of diseases that have just been discovered, in you.

Mr. Burns: You're sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes?

[edit] Saddlesore Galactica [11.13]

Wiggum: This is clearly a case of animal cruelty. Uh, do you have a permit for that?

Barker: No problem, sir, it's in my car.

Lou:You've gotta stop being so trusting, Chief.

Chief Wiggum: I'd rather let a thousand guilty men go free than chase after them.

Chief Wiggum: All right, show's over, folks. I'm afraid this horse is going to the dog food factory.

Homer: Good luck getting a horse to eat dog food.

Homer: Thats it! If that horse does not start winning soon then we are going on a trip to the glue factory and he won't be invited!

Homer: Bart don't ask me why but you have to lose the big race.

Bart: LOSE THE BIG RACE?! Are you crazy this is what Duncan has been working for.

Homer: I know son but I have a feeling we have been pushing him hard.

Bart: It's just one more race and I've got a good feeling about this one dad.

Homer: Oh ok son. Don't you worry, I'll deal with those murderous trolls...

Bart: Erm...Dad what did you just say?

Homer: I mean...I'll deal with those murderous trolls...

[edit] Alone Again, Natura-Diddily [11.14]

Homer: Now, now, now, don't beat yourself up. I'm the one who drove her out of her seat. I'm the one who provoked the lethal barrage of T-shirts. I'm the one who parked in the ambulance zone, preventing any possible resuscitation. [notices Ned glaring at him] Yeah, I, uh, but there's no point in playing the blame game.

Homer: I'm sure your wife is dating a lot of people in heaven!

Ned: Are you sure?

Homer: Positive, there's a lot of hot people up there. There's John Wayne, Tupac Shakur, Sherlock Holmes-

Ned: Ah, now Sherlock Holmes is a character.

Homer: Oh he sure was! [does a sexy growl]

[edit] Missionary: Impossible [11.15]

TV: You're watching PBS.

Bart: You're watching PBS?

Homer: Hey, I'm as surprised as you. But I've stumbled across a delicious new comedy about soccer hooligans. If they're not having a go with a bird, they're having a row with a wanker.

[Homer has just arrived on the island and he doesn't know what to do]'

Homer: But I don't know what to do!

Craig: Well, we taught them some English and we ridiculed away most of their beliefs. You can take it from there.

[edit] Pygmoelian [11.16]

Moe: (after looking at his face in the year's calendar) Am I really that ugly?

Carl: Moe, it's all relative. Just like, is Lenny that dumb? (Lenny gasps) Is Barney that drunk? (Barney gasps) Is Homer that lazy, bald, and fat? (Homer gasps)

Moe: Oh, God, this is worse than I thought! (He, Lenny, Barney, and Homer break down sobbing.)

Carl: (looking at the view of the camera) See, this is why I don't talk much.

Moe: I've been called "Ugly," "Pug Ugly," "Fugly," "Pug Fugly." But never "Ugly-Ugly!"

Lisa: [reading from a sticker] A gay president for 2084?

Gay Man: We're realistic.

[edit] Bart to the Future [11.17]

Homer Simpson: Oh, what a bleak and horrible future we live in!

Bart Simpson: Don't you mean "present?"

Homer Simpson: Right, right. Present.

[The Simpsons have a family meal at the White House, now that Lisa is President.]

Marge Simpson: So, how was everyone's day?

Lisa Simpson: Appointed a Supreme Court justice.

Bart Simpson: Bewitched marathon.

Homer Simpson: Searched for Lincoln's gold.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, that's just a myth. Lincoln didn't bury any gold in the White House.

Homer Simpson: Then what is his ghost protecting?

[edit] Days of Wine and D'oh'ses [11.18]

(as Homer and Bart are "celebrating" Trash Night)

Homer: I can't believe I found this muscle shirt.

Bart: Dad, that's a sports bra.

Homer: All I know is that I'm getting the support I need.

Bart: You did it, Dad!

Homer: [drunk] You can't prove I did it.

Lisa: No, you saved our lives.

Homer: I could do a lot of things if I had some money.

[edit] Kill the Alligator and Run [11.19]

Doctor: What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest Florida.

Homer: Florida? But that's America's wang!

Doctor: They prefer, "The Sunshine State."

(Bart gets paid three dollars for delivering Homer's mail)

Bart: Hey, this isn't real. This is printed by the Montana Militia.

Homer (threateningly): It'll be real soon enough!

Homer: Arizona smells funny.

[edit] Last Tap Dance in Springfield [11.20]

Ralph: My daddy shoots people!

Homer: For an evening or a week, there's no place like the mall. Food, fun and fashion, the mall has it all.

[edit] It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge [11.21]

Sqeaky-Voiced Teen: And God said, "Gather two of every flavor, anoint them with sixty-two sauces, whipped cream, and nuts, and ye shall call it, 'The Ark'!

Ice Cream Store Clerk: [after Marge throws sprinkles at his eyes] I can only see a horrible rainbow!

[edit] Behind the Laughter [11.22]

Lisa: To prolong the run of the series, I was secretly given anti-growth hormones.

[Camera cuts to Homer]

Homer: That's ridiculous! How could I even get all five necessary drops into her cereal? [pause] What?

Homer Simpson: Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.