The Simpsons/Season 12

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The Simpsons (season 12)

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The Simpsons Season 12

[edit] Treehouse of Horror XI [12.01]

Homer: Did you see that? I did the deed, open the gates!

St. Peter: [reading a newspaper] What? Oh sorry, I didn't see that.

Homer: What? I thought you guys saw everything!

St. Peter: No, you're thinking of Santa Claus.

Homer: Well I'll be damned!

St. Peter: Afraid so. [pulls a cord, sending Homer to Hell]

Dolphin: Your majesty! You're free at last!

Snorky: They made me do tricks like a common seal!

Snorky: Snork speak man... (coughs) Let me start over.

[edit] A Tale of Two Springfields [12.02]

Moe: Homer stole our rock performers! That fat, dumb, and bald guy sure plays some real hardball.

Bart: C'mon, Lis, there's gotta be a way to lure that badger out.

Lisa: Well, according to whatbadgerseat.com, badgers subsist primarily on a diet of stoats, voles, and marmots.

Bart: [hunts through the kitchen cabinets] Hmm, stoats... stoats ...

Lisa: Stoats are weasels, Bart. They don't come in cans.

Bart: Then what's this? [triumphantly holds up a can]

Lisa: That says corn, Bart.

Bart: Must you embarrass me?

Kent Brockman: [about "New Springfield"] Scientists say they're also less attractive physically, and while we speak in a well-educated manner they tend to use low-brow expressions like "oh yeah?" and "come here a minute!"

Homer: Oh yeah? They think they're better than us, huh?! Bart, come here a minute.

Bart: You come here a minute!

Homer: Oh yeah?

[edit] Insane Clown Poppy [12.03]

Stephen King: I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin. He's a fascinating man. He discovered electricity and used it to torture small animals and innocent babies. And that key he tied to the end of a kite? It opened the gates of HELL!

Marge: Look, Maggie. Christopher Walken's reading "Goodnight Moon"!

Christopher Walken: "Goodnight room. Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon!" (children listening slowly back away terrified) Please, children, scootch closer. Don't make me tell you again about the scootching. You in the red, chop chop.

Marge: Homer that's not prayer that's gossip.

Homer: Fine I'll discuss heavenly matters. (to God) So how's Maude Flanders doing up there, is she playing the field? Heh heh. Really all those guys? (family stares at him in shock) Amen. (starts eating)

Krusty: Listen, kid, I'm not the kind of dad who, you know, does things, or says stuff or looks at ya. But the love is there!

[edit] Lisa the Tree Hugger [12.04]

Marge: Oh no! My baby's up there!

Lisa: It's okay, Mom! [holds up rope] I have a safety line!

Homer: [to Jesse:] This is your fault, with your non-threatening Bobby-Sherman-style good looks! No girl could resist your charms!

Jesse: This was her choice, Mr. Simpson.

Homer: I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was lost in your eyes.

Jesse: I'm a level five vegan -- I won't eat anything that casts a shadow

Bart: I don't have a cap (to Marge)

[edit] Homer vs. Dignity [12.05]

Marge: When did we become the bottom rung of society?

Homer: I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hobos.

Kent Brockman: Whether you're Christian, or just non-Jewish, everyone loves Santa Claus!

[edit] The Computer Wore Menace Shoes [12.06]

Number 2: (to his female assistant after Homer bursts a giant bubble designed to stop him leaving): Why did you think a big balloon would stop people?

Assistant: Shut up! That's why!

(Cameras go the police getting all of the old stuff and taking Apu into custody.)

Wiggum: In the interest of our public safety, we have confiscated every bagel, donut, cruder, and bearclaw in the city. And some coffee.

Phil: Yesterday, Mr. X reported that your own department-- (Cut off by Wiggum)

Wiggum: I know. I know. But, I can assure the police do not take prisoners out of their cells and race them... Anymore.

Phil: What about using the electric chair to cook chicken?

Wiggum: All right, this press conference is over!

[edit] The Great Money Caper [12.07]

Abe Simpson: This scam was in "The Sting Part 2," so nobody knows about it.

Abe Simpson: I can finally afford a crazy stripper wife!

Ralph Wiggum: [Covered in fake blood] I look like cable TV!

[edit] Skinner's Sense of Snow [12.08]

Kent Brockman: Roads closed, pipes frozen, albinos...virtually invisible. The National Weather Service has upgraded Springfield's blizzard from "Winter Wonderland" to a "Class 3 Kill-Storm"!

Marge: I don't like the sound of that "class 3".

Marge: This terrible! How will the kids get home?

Homer: I dunno. Internet?

Skinner: Yeech. It's getting ugly out there. What would Superintendent Chalmers do? (Chalmers appears in his mind)

Chalmers: Skinner!

Skinner: Eh, that's no good.

(Reading his permanent record)

Bart: 'Underachiever and proud of it." How old is this thing?

Nelson: (After finding Skinner) There you are! (Over walkie-talkie) Falcon to Eagle, have located Bag of Crap.

Skinner: Nelson, if you get me out of this I have a hall monitor position opening in the Spring.

Nelson: I spit on your monitors.

Skinner: I know. That's why the position's avalible.

(After a salt silo gets knocked down caused by Homer and Ned)

Nelson: What was that?

Lisa: It sounded like a silo tipping over.

Bart: Look, the snow's melting! (Martin licks the melted snow)

Martin: With a little help from our friend, sodium chloride! (Nelson begins to punch him, and Nibbles, the hamster comes to Skinner, in a Gym Dodge ball sack)

Skinner: You did it, Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack.

Nibbles: Huh? (Chalmers comes in a snow moblie)

Chalmers: Skinner!

Skinner: Oh, Superintendent Chalmers!

Chalmers: What are you doing in that ridiculous duffel, Seymour? And is that burning literature I smell?

Skinner: Uh- W-W-Well, sir, I, uh-

Chalmers: There'd better be a good explanation for this.

Bart: There is, sir.

Chalmers: Ah, then I'm happy. (He speeds away on a snow moblie)

[edit] HOMЯ [12.09]

Doctor: Mr. Simpson, this procedure could drastically increase your brain power, or it could possibly kill you.

Homer: Hmmm... Increase my killing power, eh? Let's do it!

(Homer is checking his stocks on the phone, using an automated system that responds to the name of the corporation with the stock results)

Voice: For automated stock prices, please state the company name.

Homer: Animotion.

Voice: Animotion: up one and one eighth.

Homer: Yahoo!

Voice: Yahoo: up six and a quarter.

Homer: Huh, what is this crap?

Voice: Fox Broadcasting: down eight.

(Homer grins with satisfaction)

(Marge is reassuring Lisa about the missing crayon.)

Marge: Sweetheart, a missing crayon could be anywhere.

Homer:(crashes through the window.) Who wants lottery tickets?

Marge: Okay. It's in his brain.

[edit] Pokey Mom [12.10]

Jack: Uh, which way's Mecca, I need to pray.

Marge: Mecca?

Jack: I'm just kidding. I'm Jewish.

Lisa: So how was it in the slammer?

Marge: Terrific. Bart, Sideshow Bob says he'll be seeing you real soon.

Bart: (Chuckles) That Bob.

[edit] Worst Episode Ever [12.11]

[Ralph enters the "Adults Only" section of the Android's Dungeon.]

Ralph: Everybody's hugging!

Comic Book Guy: I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit.

Carl: Hey, you knocking beer?

Lenny: Nobody bad mouths Duff!

(Breaks a Duff bottle against the counter causing the whole bottle to break off)

Lenny: Ahhh, piece of crap.

Homer: Come on, you're here to make friends.

Comic Book Guy: Oh please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning I would befriend an air conditioner.

Moe: Oh now he's ragging on air conditioners.

Carl: Hey they keep us cool in the summer pal!

[edit] Tennis the Menace [12.12]

Homer: It'll be nice to entertain friends and have people over.

Flanders: Hey ya got a tennis court?

Homer: Keep walking Flanders.

Flanders: Will do.

Homer: Faster!

Kent Brockman: That's game set and match, but the real winner here are Marge's hors d'oeuvres.

Homer: Wow, how do you come up with such witty remarks?

Kent Brockman: (nervous laughing) Well... (Zoom's in on Brockman's ear piece, static is heard)

(Shows a car outside where two writers are typing)

Writer 1: Come on hurry up. (Writer 2 gives him a newly typed note) I guess you could say it's my racket.

Kent Brockman: I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.

Homer: (gasps) (threatening tone) Get off my property.

[edit] Day of the Jackanapes [12.13]

Marge: I think it's good for a show to retire before it gets old and stale.

Smithers: (walks in tired) Maggie shot Mr.Burns again!

(the family stares blankly at Smithers)

Sideshow Bob is trying to hypnotise Bart

Sideshow Bob: You are in my power.

Bart: I am at your command.

Sideshow Bob: I didn't say anything about command. If you are in my power, say so.

Bart: I am in your power.

Sideshow Bob: Excellent. Actually, go back to command. No... power, power!

Sideshow Bob: Rakes! My old archenemy

Bart: I thought I was your old archenemy?

Sideshow Bob: I have a life outside you, you know.

[edit] New Kids on the Blecch [12.14]

Bart: Who are you?

L.T. Smash: Aw, you'll find out in due time.

Bart: <reading an ID badge hanging from the mirror> Well, it says here your name is L. T. Smash.

L.T. Smash: The time has come. I'm L. T. Smash.

L.T. Smash: I want you to meet and greet the other members of the Party Posse. He's smart, he's soulful, he's Milhouse!

Milhouse: What up, G-money?

L.T. Smash: Next: He'll break your nose, your glasses, and your heart - Nelson.

Bart: Wait, these are just guys from school. Who's next, Ralph Wiggum?

Ralph: <spins his own chair around> Whee! I'm a pop sensation!

[edit] Hungry, Hungry Homer [12.15]

Homer: Who are you?

Ghost of César Chávez: I am the spirit of César Chávez.

Homer: Then why do you look like César Romero?

Ghost of César Chávez: Because you don't know what César Chávez looks like.

Albuquerque Mayor: See how much Dallas wants for the Cowboys..

Assistant: That's a football team, sir.

Albuquerque Mayor: They'll play what I tell them to play...for I am the mayor of Albuquerque!

[edit] Bye Bye Nerdie [12.16]

(after Lisa gets punched in the face by the new girl in school)

Homer: Oh, Lisa, I know how you feel. Did you know that when I was in grade school, I had a bully problem myself?

(whip pan past a screen full of hippie daisies and psychedelic colors to the 1970s where a preteen Homer has a preteen Smithers pinned to a wall of lockers with his fist drawn back)

Teenage Homer (singing): Everybody was (as he's punching Smithers in the stomach): kung-fu-fighting!

(Smithers moans as a preteen Barney Gumble accompanies Homer's singing with a few notes on his recorder)

Teenage Homer (continues singing): Those cats were (as he's punching Smithers in the stomach again): fast-as-lightning!

(Smithers moans again. Homer finishes off his performance by punching the glasses off Smithers' face)

(whip pan to the present)

Homer: (chuckles) Good times.

[edit] Simpson Safari [12.17]

Homer: Okay, here's the situation: We're hopelessly lost and about to die.

(a crocodile roars up from the river. The family screams)

Homer: Don't worry! Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender.

Homer: 'Gopher jerky'? 'Cream of Toast'? Where do we get this crap?

Marge: Mostly they were from relatives who couldn't see very well.

[edit] Trilogy of Error [12.18]

Wiggum: [answering phone] 9-1-1. This'd better be good.

Marge: I just cut off my husband's thumb!

Wiggum: ATTEMPTED MURDER?! YOU'LL BURN FOR THIS! BURN IN JAIL!

Marge: It was an accident!

Wiggum: Yeah, yeah. Save it for "Dateline: Tuesday." Uh, what's your address so I can come arrest you?

Marge: Arrest me? Um, my address, it's um, 1-2-3 ... Fake Street.

Wiggum: [writing address down] 1-2-3 Fake Street. Okay see you soon!

Dr. Nick Riviera: Inflammable means flammable? What a country!

Homer: Linguo dead.

Linguo: Linguo IS dead.

[edit] I'm Goin' to Praiseland [12.19]

Rich Texan: May the Lord have mercy on your gas-sniffin' orphan-beatin' souls.

Homer: Christ be with you.

[edit] Children of a Lesser Clod [12.20]

Homer: [in a video of him chasing Bart down the street with a chain mace] I'LL MACE YOU GOOD!

Bart: AAAAAHHH!!

Homer: Hey! That is completely taken out of context.

(Flanders comes over to pick up Rod and Todd)

Flanders: So, did you boys have a good time?

Rod: Yeah, Mr. Simpson was really funny.

Todd: He told us how the world keeps screwing him over.

[edit] Simpsons Tall Tales [12.21]

Hobo: Don't worry, I'm not a stabbing hobo, I'm a singing hobo. (picks up his banjo and begins to sing) Nothin' beats the hobo life / Stabbin' folks with my hobo knife! I gouge them--

Marge: Could you sing something a little less mind raffling?

Hobo: Okay. Why don't you listen to my story that's ten stories tall, about a man named Bunyan comma Paul!