The Simpsons/Season 13
From Wikiquote
- For other uses of "The Simpsons", see The Simpsons (disambiguation).
The Simpsons Season 13
[edit] Treehouse of Horror XII
- Lisa: Isn't that the voice that caused all these suicides?
- Homer: Ah, Ethnictown. Where hard-working immigrants dream of becoming lazy, overfed Americans.
- Ultrahouse: [in Pierce Brosnan's voice]: Homer! No!
- Homer: I'm gonna enjoy this.
- Ultrahouse: Don't take out my British charm unit! Without that, I'm nothing but a boorish American clod! [removes the chip] Aghh, thanks a lot asswipe! I'm could've kicked your butt all the to Albuquerque, you fat..slime... bucket.
- Bart: Awww, we're all out of milk.
- Lisa: [takes wand out] Abraca dairy. [milk appears out of thin air and pours into Bart's cereal]
- Marge: [rushes in] Kids, it's 8 o'-clock! You're gonna miss the bus to wizards' school.
- Lisa: [points wand at clock] Five minutes more-ious. [clock goes back five minutes]
- Marge: [annoyed] ...That's not good for the clock.
- Bart: [Attempting to save Lisa from "Lord Montymort" by using her wand] Prank be undone. Destroy the evil one! [He is struck by lightning] Not me.
[edit] The Parent Rap
- Harm: Silence in my courtroom! [reads docket] Grand theft auto?
- Bart: It was an accident, ma'am.
- Harm: Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it's frosting!
- Marge: I don't mean to be disrespectful, Judge Harm, but we are not bad parents. And there isn't a tether in this world with enough fiber optics to make me say that we are.
[Judge Harm contemplates for a while. Immediate next scene, Homer and Marge are put in stocks.]
- She's such a butthole.
- Judge Harm: Bartholomew Simpson, I am sentencing you to 5 years in Juvenille Hall. [Raises her gavel as the family gasps, suddenly Harm's gavel is taken from her] Huh?
- Judge Snyder: [Holding the gavel] Well, I'm back from my vacation.
- Judge Harm: But I was about to pound the gavel, making the sentence official.
- Judge Snyder: Sorry, but I put my clown down. [Gesturing to his clown knickknack on the bench]
- Judge Harm: But, I was going to--
- Judge Synder: The clown is down.
- Judge Harm: Ugh! [Storms off]
[edit] Homer the Moe
- Moe: Ah, who am I kidding. I ain't smiled for real since I nailed that rat with the icepick. Heh. Remember that?
- Homer: That was an amazing throw.
- [As guards come to throw Homer out of Moe's newly-modernised tavern]
- Homer: I'll throw myself out, thank you.
- [He grabs his shirt collar, yanks himself toward the front door, and tosses himself to the street]
- Homer: I believe I had a hat.
- [Someone throws him a hat]
- Homer: Suckers! [runs away laughing]
- [Homer, Lenny and Carl are singing along to the tune of 'I Love Rock & Roll' by Joan Jett]
- I won't drink at Moe's
Homer's old garage is all I need
I won't drink at Moe's... - Homer': Cause Moe's a big jerk and a she-male too
- R.E.M. are playing in Homer's garage. Homer is singing along to 'It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)']
- Homer: Leonardo What's-His-Name, Herman Munster, motorcade, birthday parties, Cheetos, pogo sticks and lemonade
You symbiotic, stupid jerk
That's right, Flanders, I am talking about you
[edit] A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love
- (Monologue at a party)
- Mr. Burns: Damn that Pennybags. Between him and Scrooge McDuck all the best ankle is taken.
- Mr. Burns: I don't understand. She was my young sexy fiance and he was my sexually virile best friend and they just drove off in my Bugatti Sexarossa.
- Kent Brockman: Well, according to our audience insta-poll, 46% say "You're too old", and 37% say "She's a skank!".
- (At Snake's hideout)
- Homer: Wow, who do you have to kill to get a place like this?
- Snake: I think his name was "Gustafsson."
- Mr. Burns: 14 dollars and 10,11,12 cents there you go.
- Chinese delivery boy: You know sir tipping is customary.
- Mr. Burns: Oh, sorry. Me no speaky Chinee
[edit] The Blunder Years
- Mr. Burns: What are you doing in my corpse hatch?
- Wiggum: Mr. Burns, you're under arrest!
- Mr. Burns: Did I say "corpse hatch"? Uh... I meant "innocence tube"!
- Marge: You found a corpse when you were twelve? No wonder you've been so traumatized.
- Homer: It's responsible for everything wrong in my life...my occasional overeating...my fear of corpses!
[edit] She of Little Faith
- Nelson: Hey Simpson, I hear your sister dumped Christianity.
- Bart: Who cares?
- Dolph: I'll tell you someone who cares. He's got long hair, works as a carpenter, has a lot of crazy ideas about love and brotherhood.
- Jimbo: His name's Gunner and he's dating my mom. Sometimes, he buys us beer.
- Bart: I thought Kearney was dating your mom.
- Kearney: Hey, she came on to me.
- Jimbo: Get him! (The bullies -- and Bart -- pummel Kearney)
- Lisa: I'm not gonna pick a religion just because it sounds cool.
- Bart: How about Judaism? When you turn thirteen, cha-ching!
- Homer: So, you think you know better than this family, huh? Well, as long as you're in my house, you'll do what I do and believe what I believe! (it turns out that he is talking to Bart) So butter your bacon!
- Bart: Yes, Father.
- Lisa: (walking in) Mom, Dad, my spirital quest is over!
- Homer: Hold that thought... (to Bart) Bacon up that sausage, boy!
- Bart: But, Dad, my heart hurts! (Homer glares at him, Bart reluctantly wraps a slice of bacon around his sausage and eats it)
- Lisa: I'm a Buddhist!
- Homer: What? That's it, no more chat rooms for you!
[edit] Brawl in the Family
- Willie: [acid rain is falling; singing] I'm singin' in the rain
Just singin' in the rain
What a glorious feeling-- Argh! [collapses on the ground, as his overalls dissolve] It burns like a Glasgow bikini wax! Gagghhh!
- Homer: [drunk] Look, the think about my family is, there's five of us: Marge, Bart, girl-Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him. [falls off the barstool]
[edit] Sweets and Sour Marge
- Homer: (After being told Springfield is now officially "the world's fattest city" and looking directly into the camera) In your face, Milwaukee!!
[edit] Jaws Wired Shut
(During the "Soccer Mummy" preview, on the part where Soccer Mummy [Ed O'Neill] is at a soccer game and gets distracted by a cheering woman's bouncing breasts)
- Team Mate: "Oh no! The professor told us not to let him get a boner!"
- (A ripping sound is heard. Soccer Mummy looks down and shrugs)
- Homer: Looks like I need some fuel for me mule, gas for me ass! (Popeye-like laughter)
[edit] Half-Decent Proposal
- Wiseguy: That's $912.
- Marge: Send the bill to Baron von Kiss-a-lot.
- Wiseguy: No problemo.
- [scene cuts to a German castle, similar in design to Neuschwanstein]
- Butler: This just arrived, Herr Baron. [Baron takes letter, reads it, and lowers it to reveal enormous lips]
- Baron: Okay, who's der vise guy?
[edit] The Bart Wants What It Wants
- Bart: So to win Greta back, I have to go to Toronto.
- Homer: Canada? Why should we leave America to visit America Junior?
- Lisa: [As Homer is about to cross the road]" Dad, no! The sign says 'Don't walk'!
- Homer: That's okay, they have free health care. "[Gets sent flying by an oncoming car]" I'm rich!
- Homer: Don't worry honey, we can't afford this now, but I promise when the time comes my darling daughter can go to the finest school there is... in South Carolina.
- Lisa: I will not be a Gamecock!
- Homer: You will too!
[edit] The Lastest Gun in the West
- [Bart enters the classroom in torn clothes]
- Nelson: Ha ha, Bart's family is poor!
- Buck McCoy: Goodbye Bart, never bother me again! Yee-haw!
[edit] The Old Man and the Key
- Homer: [to Abe Simpson] And another thing, no death races.
- Homer: [after seeing the incident on Abe Simpson] Oh, that is it! Abraham J. Simpson, [camera comes close to Homer until it reaches his mouth] you are never... driving... again, ever!!!
- Bronson Son: Hey ma, how bout some cookies?
- Bronson Mom: No dice.
- Bronson Son: This ain't over.
[edit] Tales from the Public Domain
- Penelope (Marge): Okay, it has been 20 years and you suitors have been very patient.
- Suitor 1 (Sideshow Mel): We've been beyond patient.
- Suitor 2 (Krusty): We came here when Helen of Troy was hot. Now, look at her.
- Helen of Troy (Agnes) a la Phyllis Diller: This is the face that launched a thousand ships... the other way!
- Lisa: [gasps] What happened Dad? They didn't really burn her, did they?
- Marge: [hastily grabs the book from Homer] Of course not, honey. "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a space ship. The end."
[Tears out the page and begins eating it]
Well, it's easier to chew than that Bambi video.
- Discus Stu: Discus Stu has ouzo for two-zo.
- Bart: I'll leave you guys alone.
- Discus Stu: Discus Stu was talking to you.
[edit] Blame it on Lisa
- Homer: Can you let me out of the boat?
- Brazilian Kidnapper: What for?
- Homer: [Whining]I have to go do a piss.
- Brazilian Kidnapper: [Annoyed] Again?
- Homer: I'm sorry, I have a bladder the size of a Brazil nut.
- Brazilian Kidnapper: We just call them nuts here.
- Dance Instructor: Here is where we invented the Lambada and the Macarena. Now we are working on our most powerful dance: La Penetrada! It makes sex look like a church.
- Marge: I don't think my daughter should be hearing this.
- Dance Instructor: You cannot protect her forever! You stupid lady!
[edit] Weekend at Burnsie's
[Homer is naming off the crows in his bedroom]
- Marge: Homer, I'm not sure I'm comfortable sleeping with a group of crows in the bedroom in the night.
- Homer: It's a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder.
- Marge: I'm going to go sleep on the couch tonight.
[Homer tries his first medical marijuana in the bedroom, the smoke comes through the closed door and downstairs to where Marge, Lisa, and Bart are]
- Marge: What is that billowing down the stairs? [Gasps] It's smoke!
- Lisa: [Sniffs] It smells like the art teacher's office.
- Burns: Smithers, you could learn a thing or two from this braying moron. (to Homer) Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president.
- Smithers: Uh, sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me.
- Burns: Oh, Smithers. I would have said anything to get your stem cells.
[Homer comes home with a new suit]
- Marge: Where did you get that suit?
- Homer: Woah, woah, one question at a time. [Points to Marge] Yes, you?
- Marge: Homer, I am getting really worried you are going overboard with this. We are out of clothespins, there are half-eaten cupcakes all around the house, and the curtains smell like doob.
- Homer: Well I got news for you: I just got promoted and it's all thanks to yes-I-cannabis! (Homer walks away) We have a kitchen?
[edit] Gump Roast
- Krusty: Now let's welcome Springfield's original God couple, Reverend Lovejoy and Ned Flanders.
- Flanders: Thank you so much.
(singing) The Camptown Ladies sing this song - Ned & Lovejoy: Do-dah, do-dah
- Lovejoy: (singing) Homer Simpson's breath is strong, oh the do-dah--
- Flanders: Hey, hey, now hold on there. The nice people wanna hear the real words.
- Lovejoy: But Ned, I was singing the real words.
- Flanders: Oh, lets just take it from the top. (sings) The Camptown Ladies sing this song
- Ned & Lovejoy: Do-dah do-dah
- Lovejoy: The Camptown racetrack's five miles long
- Flanders: Thats better.
- Lovejoy: Homer's breath smells bad
- Flanders: Oh, those are not the words!
- End Titles Singer:
- Ullman shorts, Christmas show, Marge's fling, Homer's bro
- Bart in well, Flanders fails, whacking snakes, monorail
- Mr. Plow, Homer space, Sideshow Bob steps on rakes
- Lisa's future, Selma's hubby, Marge not proud, Homer chubby
- Homer worries Bart is gay, Poochie, U2, NRA
- Hippies, Vegas, and Japan, octuplets, Bart's boy band
- Marge murmers, Maude croaks, Lisa Buddhist, Homer tokes
- Maggie blows Burns away, what else do I have to say?
- They'll never stop the Simpsons
- Have no fears, we've got stories for years
- Like, Marge becomes a robot
- Maybe Moe gets a cell phone
- Has Bart ever owned a bear?
- Or how 'bout a crazy wedding?
- Where something happens, and do-do-do-do-do
- Sorry for the clip show
- Have no fears, we've got stories for years
[edit] I am Furious Yellow
- Groundskeeper Seamus: This be your doing Willie, I'll turn your groin to puddin'
- Groundskeeper Willie: Ach, you speak like a poet, but you punch like one too!
- Bart: Wow, Stan Lee came back?
- Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left, and I'm beginning to think his mind is no longer in mint condition.
- [Homer has fallen into Bart and Milhouse's trap in the garden and got covered in green paint]
- Homer: Grrrr...! RAAAAARRGGGHHH!!! HOMER MAD!!! AAARRRGGH!! [Bashes the fence down] GAAAAAARRRGGH!!!
- Bart: Thank God his pants stayed on.
- Homer: AAAARRGGHH!!! [Rampages through the town.] HOMER MAD!! HOMER SMASH!! GET REVENGE ON WORLD!!!
- Lenny: Look, it's the Incredible Hulk!
- Homer: GAAAARRRGGGHH!!!
- Stan Lee: He can't be the Hulk! I'm the Hulk! Rrroar-owwll!!
- Comic Book Guy: Oh, please, you couldn't even change to Bill Bixby.
- Stan Lee: Come on, damn it, change! Mmmhhmhhmm! Oh, forget it. I really did it once.
- Comic Book Guy: Yes, yes. I just wish you had the power to leave my store.
- Stan Lee: Mmmhmm...
- Comic Book Guy: You almost had it there.
- [At the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant in the cartoon]
- Angry Dad: This job sure is easy. Now to press this button.
- [He presses a red button and the cooling towers explode in a giant cloud]
- Angry Dad: NOT AGAIN!!!!
- [A cartoon version of Mr.Burns shows up]
- Cartoon Mr.Burns[voiced by Bart]: Angry Dad, you're fired.
- [Angry Dad's head soon explodes and shows a similar cloud]
- [At Krustylu Studtios, Krusty is watching Angry Dad struggle with the ketchup and it pushes him acoss the room]
- Krusty The Clown: Whoa that's funny. There's only one way my show can compete with this.
- [pushes the button on the intercom]
- Krusty The Clown: Book that animal that always chomps on my groin.
- Secratary: Susan Anton?
- Krusty The Clown: No, the lemur.
[edit] The Sweetest Apu
- Homer: Thanks. Are you sure you don't want to come? In a Civil War re-enactment we need lots of Indians to shoot.
- Apu: I don't know what part of that sentence to correct first, but I cannot come.
- [At the Civil War reenactment, Dr. Hibbert's horse takes off.])
- Dr. Hibbert: For me, the war is over!
- Disco Stu (as Stonewall Jackson): The South will boogie again!
- Manjula: We have eight children. Will that affect the settlement?
- Divorce Lawyer: [makes several joyful exclamations, then calms] Perhaps. [the lawyer jumps onto the table and starts dancing happily]
- Manjula: No offence, but you remind me of the monkey man who slaughtered my family's chickens!
- Divorce Lawyer: [chuckles] Yes, I get that a lot.
[edit] Little Girl in the Big Ten
- Ralph: See you tomorrow, Lisa. We find out what five minus three is.
- Lisa: Um... I'm a teacher's aide in a very special class.
- Ralph: No, Lisa, we're both in--
- Lisa: Go, go, go!
- Ralph: Why do people run from me? [wets his pants, then smiles]
- Homer: [singing while drunk] I get knocked down
I get knocked down again
You're never gonna knock me down - Tina: Whoa, party house.
[A keg flies out of the window]
- Homer: (from the house) Hey, where's my keg?
- Lisa: Hmm... Mom's not gonna like that.
- Carrie: Who's Mom?
- Lisa: Uh... that's what we call the gay guy who lives with us.
- Carrie: Hey, you doing anything tomorrow night? Robert Pinsky is reading at Café Kafka.
- Lisa: Robert Pinsky? The former poet laureate?
- Tina: It's gonna be great, the three of us can split a scone.
- Lisa: Non-dairy?
- Tina & Carrie: Duh.
- Homer: I take a whiskey drink, I take a chocolate drink
And when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink
I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy - Lisa: I'll see you tomorrow.
- Carrie: See ya.
[edit] The Frying Game
- Carmen Electra: My face is up here, Homer.
- Homer: (looking at Carmen's breasts) I've made my choice.
- Homer: You know, if you let us go, there's a diamond necklace in it for you.
- Wiggum: I hope you're not suggesting that I would take that necklace as a bribe. Think again, dirtbag, cause I can swipe it later from the evidence locker.
- Homer: Play the race card! Play it!
[edit] Papa's Got a Brand New Badge
- Bart: Cool, a lie detector.
- [Bart puts on the lie detector and a results sheet prints out as he speaks]
- Bart: Lisa is a dork. Lisa is a dork.
- Lisa: Dad, make him stop.
- [Homer looks at the results sheet]
- Homer: Hmm... According to this, he's telling the truth.
- Homer: Do you sell hats?
- Wooly Bully Store Clerk: Yeah.
- Homer: To people?
- Wooly Bully Store Clerk: Maybe.
- Homer: People with heads?
- Wooly Bully Store Clerk: Sometimes...
