The Simpsons/Season 13
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- For other uses of "The Simpsons", see The Simpsons (disambiguation).
The Simpsons (December 17, 1989 – present)
[edit] Treehouse of Horror XII [13.1]
- Homer: Ah, Ethnictown. Where hard-working immigrants dream of becoming lazy, overfed Americans.
- Bart: Awww, we're all out of milk!
- Lisa: [takes wand out] Abra-Ka-Dairy. [milk appears out of thin air and pours into Bart's cereal]
- Marge: [rushes in] Come on kids, we're gonna be late for wizards' school!
- Lisa: [points wand at clock] Five-Minutes-Morious. [clock goes back five minutes]
- Marge: [worried, looking at the clock] That can't be good for the clock.
[edit] The Parent Rap [13.2]
- Harm: Silence in my courtroom! [reads docket] Grand theft auto?
- Bart: It was an accident, ma'am.
[edit] Homer the Moe [13.3]
- Moe: Ah, who am I kidding. I ain't smiled for real since I nailed that rat with the icepick. Heh. Remember that?
- Homer: That was an amazing throw.
- [As guards come to throw Homer out of Moe's newly-modernised tavern]
- Homer: I'll throw myself out, thank you.
- [He grabs his shirt collar, yanks himself toward the front door, and tosses himself to the street]
- Homer: I believe I had a hat!
- [Someone throws him a hat]
- Homer: SUCKERS!!! [runs away laughing]
- [Homer, Lenny and Carl are singing along to the tune of 'I Love Rock & Roll' by Joan Jett]
- I won't drink at Moe's!
Homer's old garage is all I need!
I won't drink at Moe's... - Homer: 'Cause Moe's a big jerk and a she-male too!
- R.E.M. are playing in Homer's garage. Homer is singing along to 'It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)']
- Homer: Leonardo What's-His-Name, Herman Munster, motorcade, birthday parties, Cheetos, pogo sticks and lemonade!
You symbiotic, stupid jerk! That's right, Flanders, I am talking about you!
[edit] A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love [13.4]
- Mr. Burns: I don't understand. She was my young sexy fiance and he was my sexually virile best friend and they just drove off in my Bugatti Sexarossa.
- Kent Brockman: Well, according to our audience insta-poll, 46% say "You're too old", and 37% say "She's a skank!".
- (At Snake's hideout)
- Homer: Wow, who do you have to kill to get a place like this?
- Snake: I think his name was "Gustafsson."
[edit] The Blunder Years [13.5]
- Marge: You found a corpse when you were twelve? No wonder you've been so traumatized.
- Homer: It's responsible for everything wrong in my life...my occasional overeating...my fear of corpses!
[edit] She of Little Faith [13.6]
- Nelson: Hey Simpson, I hear your sister dumped Christianity!
- Bart: Who cares?
- Dolph: I'll tell you someone who cares. He's got long hair, works as a carpenter, has a lot of crazy ideas about love and brotherhood!
- Jimbo: His name's Gunner and he's dating my mom. Sometimes he buys us beer.
- Bart: I thought Kearney was dating your mom.
- Kearney: Hey, she came on to me. (The bullies -- and Bart -- pummel Kearney)
- Lisa: I'm not gonna pick a religion just because it sounds cool.
- Bart: How about Judaism? When you turn thirteen, cha-ching!
[edit] Brawl in the Family [13.7]
- Willie: [acid rain is falling; singing] I'm singin' in the rain! Just singin' in the rain! What a glorious feeling -- argh! [collapses on the ground, as his overalls dissolve] It burns like a Glasgow bikini wax!
- Homer: [drunk] Look, the think about my family is, there's five of us: Marge, Bart, girl-Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him. [falls off the barstool]
[edit] Sweets and Sour Marge [13.8]
- Homer: (After being told Springfield is now officially "the world's fattest city" and looking directly into the camera) In your face, Milwaukee!!
[edit] Jaws Wired Shut [13.09]
(During the "Soccer Mummy" preview, on the part where Soccer Mummy [Ed O'Neill] is at a soccer game and gets distracted by a cheering woman's bouncing breasts)
- Team Mate: "Oh no! The professor told us not to let him get a boner!"
- (A ripping sound is heard. Soccer Mummy looks down and shrugs)
- Homer: Looks like I need some fuel for me mule, gas for me ass! (Popeye-like laughter)
[edit] Half-Decent Proposal [13.10]
[edit] The Bart Wants What It Wants [13.11]
- Bart: So to win Greta back, I have to go to Toronto.
- Homer: Canada? Why should we leave America to visit America Junior?
- Lisa: [As Homer is about to cross the road]" Dad, no! The sign says 'Don't walk'!
- Homer: That's okay, they have free health care. "[Gets sent flying by an oncoming car]" I'm rich!
[edit] The Lastest Gun in the West [13.12]
- [Bart enters the classroom in torn clothes]
- Nelson: Ha ha, Bart's family is poor!
- Buck McCoy: Goodbye Bart, never bother me again! Yee-haw! Hi-ho Frank! AWAAAAAAAAAAAAYY!
[edit] The Old Man and the Key [13.13]
- Homer: [to Abe Simpson] And what ever happens, no drag race!
- Homer: [after seeing the incident on Abe Simpson] That's it! Abraham J. Simpson! [camera comes close to Homer until it reaches his mouth] You will never! Be able to drive! Again! EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Bronson Son: Hey ma, how bout some cookies?
- Bronson Mom: No dice.
- Bronson Son: This ain't over...
[edit] Tales from the Public Domain [13.14]
- Suitor (Krusty): We came here when Helen of Troy was hot!
- Helen of Troy (Agnes)a la Phyllis Diller: This is the face that launched a thousand ships... the other way!
- Lisa: [gasps] What happened Dad? They didn't really burn her did they?
- Marge: [hastily grabs the Book from Homer] Of course not, Honey. "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a space ship. The End."[ Tears out the page and begins eating it] Well, it's easier to chew than that Bambi video.
- Discus Stu: Discus Stu has ouzo for two-zo.
- Marge: No, Thanks.
- Discus Stu: [motioning to Bart] Discus Stu was talking to you.
[edit] Blame it on Lisa [13.15]
- Homer: Can you let me out of the boat?
- Brazilian Kidnapper: What for?
- Homer: [Whining]I have to go.
- Brazilian Kidnapper: [Agitated Tone] Again?
- Homer: I'm sorry, I have a bladder the size of a Brazil nut.
- Brazilian Kidnapper: We just call them nuts here.
- Dance Instructor: Here is where we invented the Lambada and the Macarena. Now we are working on our new dance: La Penetrada! It makes Sex look like a church!
[edit] Weekend at Burnsie's [13.16]
[Homer is naming off the crows in his bedroom]
- Marge: Homer, I'm not sure I'm comfortable sleeping with a group of crows in the bedroom in the night...
- Homer: It's a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder.
- Marge: I'm going to go sleep on the couch tonight.
- Burns: Smithers, you could learn a thing or two from this braying moron. (to Homer) Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president.
- Smithers: Uh, sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me.
- Burns: Oh, Smithers. I would have said anything to get your stem cells.
[Homer comes home with a new suit]
- Marge: Homer! Where have you got that suit?
- Homer: Well I got news for you! I just got a promotion and it is all thanks to yes-I-cannabis! (Homer walks away) ... We have a kitchen?!
[edit] Gump Roast [13.17]
- Flanders: (singing) The Camptown Ladies sing this song, Do Dah Do Dah...
- Rvd Lovejoy: (singing) Homer Simpson's breath is strong, oh...
- Flanders: No! thats not the words!
- Rvd Lovejoy: But Ned, Its true
- Flanders: I don't care, now lets take it from the top. (sings) The Camptown Ladies sing this song, Do Dah Do Dah...
- Rvd Lovejoy: The Camptown Racetracks 5 miles long...
- Flanders: Thats better
- Rvd Lovejoy: ...Homer's breath smells bad!
- End Titles Singer:
- Ullman shorts, Christmas show, Marge's fling, Homer's bro
- Bart in well, Flanders fails, whacking snakes, monorail
- Mr. Plow, Homer space, Sideshow Bob steps on rakes
- Lisa's future, Selma's hubby, Marge not proud, Homer chubby
- Homer worries Bart is gay, Poochie, U2, NRA
- Hippies, Vegas, and Japan, octuplets, Bart's boy band
- Marge murmers, Maude croaks, Lisa Buddhist, Homer tokes
- Maggie blows Burns away, what else do I have to say?
- What else do I have to say?!
- They'll never stop the Simpso-oons,
- Have no fears, we've got stories for years
- Like, Marge becomes a robo-oot
- Maybe Moe gets a cell phone
- Has Bart ever owned a bear? Or,
- How 'bout a crazy weddi-iing?
- Where something happens, and do do do-do do
- Sorry for the clip sho-oow
- Have no fears, we've got stories for years
[edit] I am Furious Yellow [13.18]
- Groundskeeper Seamus: This be your doing Willie, I'll turn your groin to puddin'
- Groundskeeper Willie: Ach, you speak like a poet, but you punch like one too!
- Bart: Wow, Stan Lee came back?
- Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left, and I'm beginning to think his mind is no longer in mint condition.
[Homer has fallen into Bart and Milhouse's trap in the garden and got covered in green paint]
- Homer: Grrrr...! RAAAAARRGGGHHH!!! HOMER MAD!!! AAARRRGGH!! [Bashes the fence down]
- Homer: GAAAAAARRRGGH!!!
- Bart: Thank God his pants stayed on.
- Homer: AAAARRGGHH!!! [Rampages through the town.] AAARGHH!! HOMER MAD!! HOMER SMASH!! GET REVENGE ON WORLD!!!
- Lenny: Look, it's the Incredible Hulk!
- Homer: GAAAARRRGGGHH!!!
[edit] The Sweetest Apu [13.19]
- Homer: Thanks. Are you sure you don't want to come? In a Civil War re-enactment we need lots of Indians to shoot.
- Apu: I don't know what part of that sentence to correct first, but I cannot come.
- [At the Civil War reenactment, Dr. Hibbert's horse takes off.])
- Dr. Hibbert: For me, the war is over!
- Disco Stu (as Stonewall Jackson): The South will boogie again!
[edit] Little Girl in the Big Ten [13.20]
- Ralph Wiggum: Why do people run away from me? [wets his pants, then smiles]
- Homer: [singing while drunk] I get knocked down/I get knocked down again/You're never gonna knock me down/I take a whiskey drink/I take a chocolate drink/and when I have to pee/I use the kitchen sink/I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy...
[edit] The Frying Game [13.21]
- Carmen Electra: My face is up here, Homer.
- Homer: (looking at Carmen's breasts) I've made my choice.
- Homer: You know, if you let us go, there's a diamond necklace in it for you.
- Wiggum: I hope you're not suggesting that I would take that necklace as a bribe. Think again, dirtbag, cause I can swipe it later from the evidence locker.
[edit] Papa's Got a Brand New Badge [13.22]
- Bart: Cool, a lie detector.
- [Bart puts on the lie detector and a results sheet prints out as he speaks]
- Bart: Lisa is a dork. Lisa is a dork.
- Lisa: Dad, make him stop.
- [Homer looks at the results sheet]
- Homer: Hmm... According to this, he's telling the truth.
- Homer: Do You Sell Hats?
- Wooly Bully Store Clerk: Yeah
- Homer: To People?
- Wooly Bully Store Clerk: Maybe.
- Homer: People With Heads?
- Wooly Bully Store Clerk: Sometimes...
