The Simpsons/Season 14

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The Simpsons Season 14

Treehouse of Horror XIII[edit]

William Bonney (Billy the Kid) and his evil gang of undead henchmen have risen from the ground.
Billy: Now I'd like you to meet the hole-in-the-ground gang!
Townspeople: [Gasp]
Billy: Frank an' Jesse James!
Townspeople: [Gasp]
Billy: The Sundance Kid!
Townspeople: [Gasp]
Comic Book Guy: What happened to Butch Cassidy?
The Sundance Kid: (imitating) What happened to Butch Cassidy? We're not joined at the hip, you know!
Billy: And the most evil German of all time... Kaiser Wilhelm.
Townspeople: [Mutterings of "Who?"]
Frank James: He ain't no cowboy!
Wilhelm: Sure I am! [stops to think]...uh... yippy wippy, wippy!
Frank: OK, he's in.

Billy the Kid: Now let's rob the bank, give the money to the poor, then rob the poor, and shoot the money!

Homer: [notices Maggie who has been turned into an anteater] Maggie! [Lisa, turned into an eagle, swoops down, grabs Maggie with her claws, and tries to fly away] Lisa! [grabs Lisa from her legs, pulls her down and releases Maggie]
Lisa: (defensively) We were just playing.
Homer: What game?
Lisa: (sheepishly) Let's eat Maggie...?

[After other characters - who have been turned into 'manimals' by Dr. Hibbert - decide that they enjoy it]
Homer: YOU GUYS ARE NUTS! All you can do is eat, and sleep, and mate, and roll around in your own filth, and mate, and eat-- Where do I sign up?

Lisa: [as an eagle] So, how do you like being a walrus, dad?
Homer: [as a walrus] It's great! I haven't been this skinny since high school!

How I Spent My Strummer Vacation[edit]

(The Simpsons are gathered together, while watching Taxicab Conversations)
Wise guy: How ya doin'?
Homer: (drunk) Talky thing, ain't ya?
Lisa: Another proud moment for the Simpsons.

Apu: Can we talk about accentuating the...uh...masculine area?
Lenny Kravitz: Did you hear that, everybody? Apu just asked about crotch stuffing. Now, I don't do that. Kenny Loggins does.
Kenny Loggins: [Appearing at the window] I trusted you! [Runs away crying].

Homer: Mr. Seltzer?
Brian Setzer: Setzer.
Homer: No, I think it's Seltzer.

(Homer is upset that the Rock n' Roll Fantasy Camp is over)
Mick Jagger: It's okay, Homer. It's only Rock n' Roll camp.
Homer: But I like it.

(Homer has a backstage pass and jumps over the counter of a Pizza stand)
Squeaky Voiced teen: Sir, you can't...
Homer (flashes his card at the teen) All access!
Squeaky Voiced Teen: (salutes) Oh. Sorry!


Homer: There's no need for apologies, guys. You're rock stars! You're supposed to be reckless and destructive, and be celebrated for behavior that would land normal people in jail!
Keith Richards: That's what I told them!

Bart vs. Lisa vs. The Third Grade[edit]

Bart: [mockingly at Lisa] Ha Ha. They left without you.
Lisa: They left without you too, you idiot.
Bart: If I'm such an idiot, how come I'm the smartest kid in third grade?
Lisa: Because you've already done it once.
[Pause]
Bart: You've lost me.

Lisa: Hey... how do we get home?
Bart: No problem. We'll just circle around like those kids in the Blair Witch project.
[Bart walks off-screen. He immediately walks back into frame on the other side]
Bart: I must be getting close. [points to Lisa] I recognize that girl.

Large Marge[edit]

Homer: If Bart can be 'El Barto'...
["El Homo" is painted on a wall]
Homosexual Latino: Oh sénor, if only I had your courage
Homer:Thanks [realizes what he just did] Oh, God! [Paints frantically to cover it up]
Lisa: Dad, you're getting paint all over your wedding ring.
Homer: Oh, right. Here, hold it. [Hands the ring to Lisa]
Lisa: Dad, this is a Band-Aid wrapped in tin foil.
Homer: [Ashamed] My real ring's inside a turtle.

Marge: Aaaaah! What on Earth have you done?! My maguppies became bazongas!
Surgeon: Great Chauchesku's ghost! Are those real? [Makes a realization] Oh. Oh, right.

Marge: Accidentally giving me breast implants is not a simple misunderstanding, my surgery was botched!
Surgeon: Botched, what is that the word of the day?

Helter Shelter[edit]

(as the Sarcastic Clerk is gnawing on the living room table)
Marge: Why do you always pick the cheapest guy?
Homer: I go by how funny the sign is. (indicates the "A Bug's Death" van outside the house)

(Bart uses a telegraph to message Moe, dressed as a telegraph clerk)
Moe: Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme. Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back, "hey would you cuddle me"?
[a big man makes a threatening look while Lenny and Carl laugh]
Moe: [angry] Ooh, that little...!! [begins using the telegraph] I'm gonna drive a Golden Spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific! STOP!
[at the other end, Bart laughs]

The Great Louse Detective[edit]

Chief Wiggum: Now, Mr. Simpson, is it possible you're living a double or triple life that your wife doesn't know about?
Homer: Triple? No, definitely no.

Chief Wiggum: Now, your case requires someone who understands the twisted mind of a murderer. And I know just where to find him.
Marge: (hopeful) Paris?
Chief Wiggum: No, no, not Paris.
Marge: (downhearted) I'm never gonna go to Paris.

[The Simpsons are in Campbell's Chunky Soup Maximum Security Prison]
Marge: I don't think this was a great place to bring the children.
Lisa: It still beats Disney's California Adventure.

Sideshow Bob: Hello, Bart.
Bart & Lisa: AAAHH!! Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: Oh, come now, we have been through so much together. Just call me Bob.
Bart & Lisa: AAAHH!! Bob!

Bart: Dad, I can't believe you're putting my life at risk to save your own?!
Homer: You'll understand someday when you have kids.

[Homer's runaway King of Mardi Gras float is heading toward a building filled with swordfish.]
Lisa: (gasps) Dad's heading for the Swordfish Museum!
Marge: That museum's been nothing but trouble since it opened.

Homer: Wait! Frank Grimes wasn't married! How could he have a son?
Frank Grimes Jr.: He happened to like hookers, okay?

Lisa: Dad! I figured it out! [opens a piece of paper] The murderer is--
Homer: I know! Frank Grimes Junior!
Lisa: Huh? [looks down at the paper, where she has written the name "Bumblebee Man"] Precisely. [crumples the paper and kicks it away]

Bart: Dad, I'm really glad you're still alive.
Homer:: Yeah, it's every parent's dream to outlive their children.

Bart: (singing) You've grown accustomed to my face...
Sideshow Bob: This isn't a duet.
Bart: Sorry.

Special Edna[edit]

(Little Richard is on stage)
Homer: Purple Rain!
Little Richard: SHUT UP!
Homer: (excited) Michael Jackson told me to shut up.

The Dad Who Knew Too Little[edit]

(The Simpsons watch Homer's personalized movie for Lisa: "The Adventures of Lisa Simpson, Girl Cowboy". In it, we see Lisa's face, with tongue sticking out, crudely pasted onto a cowgirl's body. The animation is really choppy.)

Cowgirl: Howdy, pardners! My name is Sheriff...
Homer voiceover: Lisa Simpson!
Cowgirl: I sure am hungry for my favorite food...
Homer voiceover: McNuggets!
Lisa: I don't like McNuggets! I'm a vegetarian!
Homer: Still? Well, then you're not gonna like your other present!
(We see a turkey in wrapping paper!)
(In the film a male cowboy rides up)
Cowgirl: Why, it's my best friend...
Homer voiceover: Maggie!
Lisa: Huh?
(A bartender enters)
Bartender: Bad news, Sheriff...
Homer voiceover: Lisa Simpson!
Bartender: Some Indians took all the...
Homer voiceover: McNuggets! Mmmm... McNuggets... (drools)
Cowgirl: I'll get those no-good Indians, just as sure as my favorite book is...
Homer voiceover: Magazines! (snores)
Bart voiceover: Wake up, Dad!
Homer voiceover: Huh? Wha?
(The screen goes to static before an angry Lisa turns off the TV)

Ralph Wiggum: Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.
Dexter Colt: Yes,you said that already. What else do you know?
Ralph: I once picked my nose 'til it bleeded.
Dexter: No, about Lisa!
Ralph: Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.
Dexter:Someone's already worked this guy over.

Homer: Lisa's pet peeve is... phonies?! I thought she loved them!

Strong Arms of The Ma[edit]

(Marge breaks a glass jar and points it menacingly at Moe)

Marge: Maybe death will stop your yammering!!

(Marge has destroyed Moe's Tavern and injured almost all of the barflies. She holds Lenny over her head as Homer comes out from hiding on the far end of the bar)

Homer: Marge?
(Marge turns around, breathing heavily and still holding Lenny over her head)
Homer (voice breaking): Somewhere in that sea of bull hormones is the sweet, wonderful girl I married. The woman who, instead of swatting a fly, would give it a bath and send it on its way. I'd sure like to go home and have Jiffy Pop with her.

Moe (looks at his destroyed tavern): Well, there's only one way to recoup my losses. (pours some gasoline over the counter and sets it on fire with a match stick)
Carl: Oh, whoa, wait a minute. Don't you have to buy insurance first?
Moe: Oh, crap.

Pray Anything[edit]

Marge: You know, most people pray silently.
Homer: Marge, he's way the hell up there!

Marge: I'm sorry Ned. It looks like God has packed up and left Springfield.
Ned: [hysterical] No, you're lying! You're lying! What makes you lie?

Kent Brockman: Good evening. Springfield is still grappling tonight with the departure of Reverend Timothy Lovejoy, local Bible nut. How is our community coping with this spiritual vaccuum? Let's ask Arnie Pie in the Sky!
Arnie Pie: You wanna know what I see, Kent? I see a slow news day with nothing to fill it!
Kent Brockman: Arnie, you're supposed to be filming people coping with the loss of their church!
Arnie Pie: And how am I supposed to do that? Do I have a magic lens that can see into peoples' SOULS? Well, yours would be BLACK, Kent! BLACK AS THE ACE OF SPADES!!!

Lisa: There are perfectly logical explanations for everything that happened. The bonfire sent soot into the air, which created rain, and with all the trees cut down a flood was inevitable.
Bart: Yeah but what made the rain stop?
Lisa: I don't know. Buddha?

Barting Over[edit]

Bart: Hey, a box of old videotapes. "Marge And Homer Get Dirty"? Hey, Lis, think you're well-adjusted?

Lisa [to Bart]: You're Baby Stink-Breath, you're Baby Stink-Breath! En Francais… [in French] vous êtes L'enfant Stink-Breath!

Bart: How could you make me Baby Stink-Breath and not even tell me?
Homer: I was going to tell you on my deathbed.
Marge: Honey, you did have a great time doing those commercials, and you made a lot of money.
Bart: I did? Where is it?
Marge: Your father invested it in the college trust fund which, today, must be worth a fo…
Homer: [interrupts Marge] La la la la la la la la la!
Marge: [groans in embarrassment] Of course, the stock market's been down lately, but there must be some sort of…
Homer: [rudely continues interrupting Marge] La la la la la la la la nothing left la la la oh.
Bart: You spent all the money I earned?
Homer: I needed it. I had to buy back some incriminating photos. Look.
[Flips through photos of Homer holding Bart over a railing ala Michael Jackson]
Homer: See, you're fine, and then... [shows the final photo, depicting Bart missing] whoops! Uh-oh! Look out! Oh! I know this looks bad, but if you reverse it, Daddy's a hero. See? [reverses the sequence] Watch… I saved you!

Marge: Bart, you're suing us?
Bart: Yes, I wanna be emancipated.
Homer: Emancipated? Don't you like being a dude?
Lisa: No, Dad, it means Bart would be a legal adult and free to move out of the house.
Marge: I wanted a sewing room, but not like this. Not like this!
Bart: Mom, you've always been cool to me, but Homer is a lousy dad and I'm not gonna take it anymore.
Homer: Hey, my dad was lousy and I didn't sue him. I just dumped him in the cheapest home I could find.
[Cut to the Springfield Retirement Castle where Abraham is on a hospital bed]
Abe: Hey! My IV is empty, and my catheter is full!
[The employee carelessly switches urine and IV bag in opposite places]
Employee: See you tomorrow.

Bart: Well, here I am, on my own... and I'm gonna make it, world!
[Bart throws his red cap through a ceiling fan and shreds into pieces. Then a drugs salesman bangs the wall.]
Neighbor: Be quiet in there! Some of us are trying to sell drugs!

[Homer is seen on the witness stand after Bart's lawyer calls him next]
Lawyer: Mr. Simpson, your son alleges that you have an anger management problem.
Homer: Why you little! I... uh, I'm sorry, judge. That's a rare lapse in my normally calm demeanor.
Judge Harm: [disbelieving Homer much to the joy of Bart's lawyer] Could the stenographer please read back the previous statement?
Stenographer: Why you little...
Homer: Why you little...!
[Bart laughs]
Homer: Why you little...! [to Judge Harm] Why you little...!
[Judge Harm draws Homer being hanged]

Judge Harm: No judge would send a pre-teen out on his own.
Homer: WOO-HOO! YOU'RE STILL MINE! AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS A BAD DAD BEFORE!
Judge Harm: Except in this case!
[Homer pulls his shirt collar nervously and cringes]
Judge Harm: That boy is about as safe living with you as a crawdad in a gumbo shack. Bart Simpson, I declare you... emancipated.
[She slams her gavel]
Judge Harm: Further, I hereby garnish Homer's wages until Bart is fully repaid.
Homer: [thinking it's food] Mmmmm...garnish.
Judge Harm: That means half your paycheck goes to Bart.
Homer: What the...half goes to Bart, half goes to my Vegas wife? What's left for Moe?
Marge: Homer, don't make things worse!
'Homer: I'LL SHOW YOU WORSE!
[He screams and runs towards Judge Harm, intent on attacking her. The bailiff catches him and punches him]
Homer: (being dragged out by the bailiff and embarrasses Marge) I TOLD WAS THIS WOULD BE TELEVISED!

Homer: [comes outside to confront Bart] Go ahead. Leave. You'll come crawling back.
[Bart's taxi is driving away as Homer chases after it]
Homer: That's right, crawling on your knees. (stops in the middle of the road) Crawling! Oh, he's really gone. (starts crying) He's GONE!
[he continues sobbing into the night. Next to him is a sign that says "Man Sobbing"]

Bart: Dad, you don't understand. This was never about being cool. It was about you not caring how I felt.
Homer: Oh, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard, you stupid little kid.
Tony: Homer, you're heading for a parental face-plant. Do a 180 emotional Ollie. [groans as he falls down the skate ramp]

Lisa: That couch looks really pricey.
Bart: Well, you need an expensive couch to watch an expensive TV.
Homer: Of course, because you wouldn't want to... [screams] I PAY FOR YOUR SPLENDOR, YOU (chokes Bart)
[Marge face palms]

Tony Hawk: You're going down, Homer. Then up. Then down. Then back up again. That's how the game is played.

Bart: (starting to cry while in the elevator) I'm gonna die in my jammies.

Bart: I want a divorce from my parents.
Blue-Haired Lawyer: You WHA?!
Bart: I said I want a divorce from my parents.
Blue-Haired Lawyer: Yes, I heard you. I was just calling my secretary. Yuwah, give me the standard child divorcing parent form.
Yuwah: Yes, sir.

Marge: Please don't go Bart. I'll let you swear in the house: everything but the Big Three.
Bart: Sorry, Mom. I just can't, not as long as he's here. [Bart points to Homer]

Marge: How many times has Homer done something crazy?
(Lisa pulls out a rolling counter which is now at 300)
Lisa: It's 300, Mom.
Marge: Really? I could've sworn it was 302. [1]
Lisa: Shhh!

Notes ^  References the episode count of 300 (the 300th was The Strong Arms of the Ma and the 301st was Pray Anything")

I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can[edit]

Homer: Three Ribwiches, please, and instead of a shake, I'd like a blended Ribwich.
Cashier: I'm sorry, sir. The Ribwich was for a limited time only.
Homer: [banging fist on counter] Not again! First you take away my Philly Fudge Steak, then my Bacon Balls, then my What-Cha-Ma-Chicken. You monster... [walks away, then comes back to counter] I'd like a large fries, please, and a collector's cup.
Ribhead: Dude, if you still want the Ribwich, they're testing it in other markets. Check out the tour schedule! [shows back of his shirt with the tour schedule]

Homer: Maybe I should hook up with you guys. After all, how long do any of us have to live?
Ribhead: Well, if you like the ribwich, not very. [holds up ribwich box with Krusty saying "WILL CAUSE EARLY DEATH"]
Homer: D'oh!

Kent Brockman: The Spellympics is being sued by the Olympics for use of the suffix 'lympics.' This has got to be the slowest news day ever!

Bart: Come on, man, everyone knows the first day of school is a total wank.
Principal Skinner: Well, if by wank you mean educational fun, then stand back, it's wanking time!

Lisa: (loudly) Then I'll be QUEEN OF THE WORLD (whispers) of spelling. (Loud) That's right, QUEEN OF THE WORLD (whispers) of spelling.

Principal Skinner: Bart, your word is imply.
Bart: Imply. I-M-P…
Nelson: Bart said, "I am pee." He's made of pee!
(The students all laugh)
Bart: Well, I got my laugh. I'm outta here.
Ralph: I made Bart in my pants.

Principal Skinner: Milhouse, your word is "choke."
Milhouse: Oh, I know this one, it's so easy, "F".... oh, man! (the kids laugh)
Principal Skinner: Stop laughing! It will scar him for life! (kids keep laughing) He-he-he, it is kinda infectious.

Lisa: Could you use it in a sentence?
Superintendent Chalmers: Nothing can ameliorate the ineptitude of Principal Skinner.
Principal Skinner: I wish he wouldn't use me in every example.

Lisa: Dad, this is my moment in the sun. How can you miss it to be with a sandwich?
Homer: You don't understand. It's not just a sandwich… it's about brotherhood, it's about freedom, it's about 3 days since I've had one! I'm gettin' the shakes! And I'm gettin' the fries!

Principal Skinner: Lisa, "impugn."
Lisa: I-M-P...
Bart: Hey, Lisa said...
Nelson: (Slaps Bart in the back of his head) Shut up, pee!

A Star is Born-Again[edit]

[In Ned's illusion moving to Hollywood, series executive producer James L. Brooks appears]
Brooks: Ned, I'm James L. Brooks.
Ned: Oh, can I call you Jim?
Brooks: James L. Brooks is good. How about some spongecake?
Ned: Well, I can't see the harm.
Brooks: With a brandy glaze?
Ned: Noooo!!
Brooks: Or perhaps you like to go to a football game?
Ned: Well--
Brooks: We don't have a team.
Ned: Noo!!

Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington[edit]

Krusty: Just one thing, are you guys good at covering youthful and middle aged indiscretions?
Mr. Burns: Are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous?
Krusty: Russian hooker, you tell me.

Marge: Look, can you please just tell us why you changed the flightpaths?
Airport official: Uh, look, they were changed because a disturbed local wildlife and their mating rituals.

[Cut to Ye Old Off-Ramp Inn, where Mayor Quimby is heard inside having sex]

Quimby: Vote Quimby, vote Quimby, vote Quimby, vote Quimby! Ohh... [inside] Without those noisy planes, I can finally hear my kitten purr.
Woman: Thanks a million, Joe. You're the swellest!
Quimby: [shocked] That's your voice?! Now I regret building you that opera house!

Cletus: I like that clown. He's really lookin' out for me, the average Joe-Six Tooth.
Brandine: Where'd you get yourself another tooth?
Cletus: Sidewalk.

C.E. D'oh[edit]

(Lenny and Carl are fighting one another with carbon rods, ala Star Wars series)
Lenny: I say Phantom Menace sucked more!
Carl: I say Attack of the Clones sucked more!

Homer: All my life I've had one dream: to achieve my many goals.

Homer (after getting thrown out of the striptease class): Aw, nobody loves Oily Homer.

'Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky[edit]

Lisa: Now we nearly put this switch to "Overload". And once we do we'll be breaking the law. Can good truly come from civil disobedience? Gandhi thought so and—(cut off by Bart)
Bart: Gandhi also said, "Less talk, more rock." (Pulls the switch beyond "Overload")
(Lights explode. The police come out armed)
Clancy Wiggum: Uh-oh. All of the lights are out. We need to get the entire force working on this.
Officer Lou: But Chief, we are the entire force.
Clancy Wiggum: Okay, we got to start recruiting, Lou.

Homer: I wish God were alive to see this.

Three Gays of the Condo[edit]

Homer: Puzzle piece, come out and play-ay!

Lisa: Mom, I know Dad cares about you, but his feelings are really hurt. Why don't you just say you're sorry?
Marge: Lisa, marriage is a beautiful thing, but it's also a constant battle for moral superiority. So I can't apologize.
Bart: Couldn't you just say you're sorry and not mean it? I do it all the time: I don't think I ever meant it.
Marge: Bart, that's not right.
Bart: Sorry, Mom... See? It's that easy.

Homer: What a well kept street, and there sure are a lot of gay bookstores for a straight neighborhood. Bet these guys never had any kids.

Homer: I'm sorry I'm late. The velvet mafia made me a margarita I couldn't refuse.
Marge: Goodbye, Homer! I try to save our marriage and you just get drunk and spend the night with your homosexual boyfriends! (greeting each person on her way down the stairs) Reverend Lovejoy, Mrs. Lovejoy, Principal Skinner, Duffman.

Dude, Where's My Ranch?[edit]

Homer: [While being attacked by beavers] No! I wanted to die choking on food!

Homer: Look at those city slickers with their stupid fur coats and pointy hats.
Marge: Homer, those are elk.
Homer: I still hate them. Go back to Grosse Pointe!

Moe: [on radio, to tune of "More, More, More"]
Moe, Moe, Moe
How do you like me? How do you like me?
Moe, Moe, Moe
Why don't you like me? Nobody likes me...

Old Yeller Belly[edit]

Homer: Don't worry son, I'll build you a new treehouse--One so grand it'll be an affront to God himself.
Bart: Can it have a ladder you can pull up after you?
Homer: Only if it's an affront to God.

Homer: Oh! Santa's Little Helper! Save me!

Homer: I'm so happy that you saved me! (actually talking to Snowball II; then to Santa's Little Helper) As for you, you are a coward! (Santa's Little Helper whines) Get out... AND STAY OUT!

Homer: Marge, get the net.
Marge: There is no net.
Homer: (After falling) D'oh.

Brake My Wife, Please[edit]

Moe: Maybe this is a sign. Maybe it's time for me to get out of the alcohol business, give barber college another try. And this time, I won't join a frat! [Looks around, realizes no one is there] Who the hell am I talking to?

Homer: Psst. Bishop to Queen-4."
Old Man:"We're playing Dominoes."
Homer:"I said 'Bishop to Queen-4."

Bart of War[edit]

Ralph Wiggum: [Gets thrown through The Simpsons' window with a note] I'm a brick!

Homer: Wait a minute. How could those stupid jarheads win?
Lisa: Who would want candy filled with laxatives?

(Cut to seniors in the day room enjoying the laxative-laced candies.)


Montgomery Burns: [seeing the Indian smoke signals] Oh no, the Pawnee have returned. They probably want their souls back.

Moe Baby Blues[edit]

Toy Homer: I peed my pants....
Homer: I recorded that for private use!

Elmo Doll: (slaps Moe) No means no for Elmo!