The Simpsons/Season 15

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The Simpsons Season 15

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[edit] Treehouse of Horror XIV [15.1]

Young Frink Jr.: I don't wanna go on an expedition, father. I get seasick taking a shower. Clean, but nauseous.
Professor Frink Sr.: Clean but nauseous! With the rolling and the heaving, and the - you make me sick! You've disgraced the name of John Nerdelbaum Frink.
Young Frink Jr.: But, father, I...
[Frink Sr. leaves and Frink Jr. cries]
Professor Frink Jr.: Father, you're dying, but I can bring you back to life, sir.
Professor Frink Sr.: Son, it doesn't take 15 brains in your head to know thats a bad idea. You saw I had become a monster and you stopped me, like a man. I'm proud of you. Now it's time for me go to Hell. Ohh, eeh, aah. Aah, ooh, eeh. Dead. [moves weirdly and drops dead]
[Frink Jr. cries for his father's death]

[edit] My Mother the Carjacker [15.2]

Homer: [to Mora] Look, Mom! Look! I'm riding by myself! [enters a wrong lane and screams]

[edit] The President Wore Pearls [15.3]

  • Lisa: Nelson, you're running for president?
    Nelson: I'm not saying I have all the answers. But, I do have all the answer keys...to every test.
    (A group of students and their teacher crowd around Nelson)
    Nelson: Fractions, dinosaurs, foreign money, the first Thanksgiving...
    Mrs. Krabappel: Nelson, what are you doing?
    Nelson: Real-estate license exam?
    Mrs. Krabappel: My ticket to freedom!
  • Chalmers: [about Willy] Hey, maybe that escaped mental patient you hired has some sort of toxin in his shack.
  • Marge: Lisa, what are you doing? This is the kind of trouble making I expect from your brother!
    Bart: You do? Cool, a blank check for mayhem! (picks up a brick and throws it at a window, which bounces back and hits him in the head, knocking him unconscious)
  • Chief Wiggum: Remember, these are little kids. So take out your tiny batons.
    Lisa: Chief Wiggum, we're just like you. Haven't you ever felt the mayor doesn't appreciate you?
    Wiggum: You mean the mayor who made me wait for two hours at that restaurant?! I ate so much bread...! Sit down, boys! We're joining this strike!
    Lou: Uh, Chief, are you sure the mayor wasn't at a different Olive Garden than you?
    Wiggum: Well, I can't take out that rattlesnake I put in his mailbox now, now can I?
    Eddie: Uh, yes, Chief, you could.
    Wiggum: Well let me ask you this: "shut up".
  • Willie: Now see here, ya nose-wipin', hair-combers. Back in Edinburgh, we had a coal miners' strike. All we wanted were hats with a wee light on top. Then one day, the mine collapsed! No one made it out alive. Not even Willie!
  • Michael Moore: Kids who don't get to take music and art are 10% more likely to become chronically unemployed and appear in one of my movies.
    Kent Brockman: Where'd you get that statistic?
    Michael Moore: Your mother!
  • Chalmers: I've got a question: You're crazy!
  • Nelson: [after Lisa's elaborate song] I have a song too! (to the tune of Iron Man) I am Iron Man; do do do do do do do, vote for me! [sighs] Ah, screw it!
  • Nelson: (dressed like Abraham Lincoln) So, when's my inauguration?
    Chalmers: Well, let's see. When Hell freezes over, tough guy!
  • Marge: Lisa, you look so successful; like you're the wife of a businessman!
    Homer: I wish I`d married a businessman--then I'd have nice things.
  • Marge: (To Lisa)You're like Geraldine Ferraro, except you won whereas she failed miserably.
  • Bart: (in sing-song) "Lisa is a nut, she has a rubber butt! Every time she turns around, it goes put-put!
  • Bart: (Sarcastically applauding Lisa) Bravo, Lisa, bravo.
    Marge: Aw, isn't that sweet? Your brother's giving his kudos.
    Bart: I was be-ing sarcastic.
    Marge: (Disappointed) Oh, were you?
    Bart: (Sarcastic) No, I was being sincere.
    Homer: Oh, I'm so confused!
  • Bart: (To Lisa) Lisa, Skinner is just using you. Like a pawn on his unholy chess set.
    Homer: On my chess set, all the pawns are Hamburglars.

[edit] The Regina Monologues [15.4]

[speaking to the Queen Elizabeth II at the Court]
Homer: Her luggage is inscribed "H.R.H.," which means her real name must be "Henrietta R Hippo!"
Smithers: Why don't you just use your ATM card?
Burns: Ah, yes. The Automated Teller Machine-i-ola-trola-maton.
Bart: Sweet! What am I gonna do with a thousand dollars?
[dreaming, and the setting turns to the Moon, where you can see Bart's Moon Mansion]
Group singing: It's Bart's Moon Party, from outer space, with R2-D2 playin' the bass...
[Bart's dream ends]
Bart: Hmmm, no one's touching the hors d'oeuvres.
Homer: It's Bart's Moon Party from outer space, with... what?
Tony Blair: Simpsons, welcome to the United Kingdom.
Lisa: Prime Minister Tony Blair?
Bart: Why are you greeting lowlifes like us at the airport?
Tony Blair: Because I want to encourage all the world to come see the beauty of 21st-century Britain.
Homer: Would an American dollar encourage you to leave us alone?
Tony Blair: No. [he grabs the bill anyway] But thank you.
Marge: Tony, I mean, Mr. Prime Minister, what should we see first?
Tony Blair: There's so much to see here. Parliament, Stratford-on-Avon, White cliffs of Dover. Oh, and since you Americans love castles, there's a huge one in Edinburgh, the city where I was born.
Homer: The place where I was born is now a gator farm.
Tony Blair: Smashing.
Lisa: Maybe you could give us a personal tour of your country?
Tony Blair: I'd love to. But I'm late for an appointment. I'm greeting a lovely Dutch couple at Gate 23. Cheerio.
[puts on a jetpack and flies off, James Bond-style]
Homer: Wow, I can't believe we met Mr. Bean!
[at Harrods, Homer tries on a bowler hat and a pipe]
Homer: Well, Marge. You have to admit I've been on my best behavior.
Marge: You punched three people on the way over here.
Homer: That was over football results. Can you believe they gave Giggs a yellow card in the box?
Marge: Do you understand any part of what you just said?
Homer: I understand the word "gave"...unless it means something else in this country!
Lisa: Look! It's J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books! You've turned a generation of kids onto reading.
J.K. Rowling: Thank you, young Muggle.
Lisa: Can you tell me what happens at the end of the series?
J.K. Rowling: [sigh] He grows up and marries you. Is that what you want to hear?
Lisa: [dreamily] Yes.
[The Simpsons are taking a tour on a double-decker bus]
Tour guide: Alright, who's hungry? We're right near a Judi Dench's Fish N Chips.
[bus pulls up to the drive-thru speaker, which has two levels for the people on the top of the bus]
British Puberty Guy: Welcome to Judi Dench's Fish 'n' Chips, now clean of mad fish disease.
Homer: Fish? I don't know. I'm not much of a vegetarian.
Puberty Guy: Please order something! If Ms. Dench finds out, she'll be furiated! She'll beat us, she will.
Dench: Who are you taking to?
Puberty Guy: No one, mum. I swear!
Dench: I'll "mum" you!
[sounds of struggle over the order loudspeaker]
Puberty Guy: Ooh! Ow! Oh! Blimey!
Lisa: Oh, Sir Ian McKellen! You're my favorite Shakespearean actor.
Ian McKellen: Thank you, my dear. Please take these free tickets to my play.
Homer: What? What play?
Ian McKellen: We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.
Homer: You mean Macbeth?
[a car splashes McKellen]
Ian McKellen: Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all!
Homer: What, by saying Macbeth?
[an anvil falls on McKellen's foot]
Ian McKellen: Stop saying it!
Homer: Saying what?
Ian McKellen: Macbeth! Oh, now I've said it.
[he is struck by lightning]
Bart: Oh, this is so cool! Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth!
[for each time Bart says "Macbeth," McKellen is struck by lightning]
Marge: Bart! Stop saying Macbeth!
[lightning strikes Ian]
Lisa: Mom, you said Macbeth!
[lightning strikes Ian]
Homer: Mr. Macbeth, I'm really sorry!
[lightning strikes Ian]
Ian McKellen: That's quite all right, you didn't know. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a performance to give.
Bart: Good luck!
Ian McKellen: It's bad luck to say that, too!
[the marquee falls on Ian McKellen's head]
Marge: [On the London Eye] I don't think we'll find the kids from up here.
Homer: Let's just look. There's Big Ben; there's Piccadilly Circus; there's Jimmy Page, the greatest thief of American black music who ever walked the Earth; Oh, there's the kids.
Homer [as he is carried away]: America rules! Our Beatles are much better than your precious Rolling Stones!
[in the previews, the line is as follows]
Homer: Yes! I've been imprisoned on six continents! Now all I have to do is kill a penguin!
Marge: That was very sweet of the Queen, letting you go in exchange for taking Madonna back to America.
Madonna: I'm telling you! I'm English!
Marge: English women don't pump gas naked!

[edit] The Fat and the Furriest [15.05]

[edit] Today I am A Clown [15.06]

[A shot of a broken-down trailer. In front, a sign reads: "FOX Network world Headquarters." Inside, Krusty the Clown has a meeting with Fox executives.]
Krusty: Well, since I'm fresh out of options, I guess all that is left is for me to get a show on... ugh... Fox. What do you say?
Executive: I don't know...
Krusty: Oh, come on, you guys are famous for taking a chance on useless crap!
[Krust is infuriated, because he doesn´t have a star on the Jewish walk of fame.]
Krusty: Why don´t I have a star?! I´m much better than... (squints) Chaim Potok?! What is he, Klingon?!

[edit] 'Tis the Fifteenth Season [15.07]

Rod Flanders: I'm jealous of girls, because they get to wear dresses.
Ned Flanders: One problem at a time boy...
Krusty The Klown: Now in the spirit of the holiday season, start shopping! And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, "sick kids" may include hookers with a cold.
[Krusty chuckles]
[Homer is with Lenny and Carl at The Power Plant]
Carl:Hey, Homer. I'm your secret Santa. Merry christmas, big guy.
[Lenny hands Homer a DVD player]
Homer: Oh, my god! A DVD player!
Carl: And the first season of Magnum P.I., with commentary by John Hillerman. Apparently, working in Hawaii was a pleasure.
Homer: Oh, Carl, you remembered I like TV.
(Singing to "You're a mean one Mr. Grinch" while stealing Christmas presents)
Homer: You're a hero, Homer Jay;
You're as crafty as a skunk;
They'll thank you in the morning;
for stealing Flander's junk Homer Jaa-aay;
You're a "double bacon genius burger";
And just a little drunk.

[edit] Marge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens, and Gays [15.08]

Homer's Commercial: For more information, visit our website, www.aljazeera.com, we're not affiliated, we're just piggy-backing on the website. [Attempts to hypnotize the audience with a moving photo of Rudy Giuliani] I am Rudy Giuliani, do as I command you! [Yes on 232 flashes quickly, but visibly] I am Rudy Giuliani, do as I command you!
Commercial against Children:
Fake Marge on TV: Now it's time to do some coke off the blade of a knife

[edit] I, (Annoyed Grunt)-Bot [15.09]

Lisa: I'm keeping you! You're Snowball V, but to save money on a new dish, we'll just call you Snowball II and pretend this whole thing never happened.
Principal Skinner: That's really a cheat, isn't it?
Lisa: I guess you're right, Principal Tamzarian.
Principal Skinner: I'll just be moving along, Lisa. Snowball II.

[edit] Diatribe of a Mad Housewife [15.10]

Homer: You were gonna start a novel without informing me?!
Marge: Homer, you left two jobs and bought an ambulance without even a phone call!
Homer: I also fed some ducklings.
Marge: I know, I got your message.
Homer: Marge, I figured it out! Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to steal the Jack Ruby!
Marge: Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel.
Homer: Oh, I was so close!
Homer: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I need some dinner STAT! And the kids need some CPR lessons.
Lisa: We're not paramedics!
Homer: I'll say.
Tom Clancy: Hello, this is Tom Clancy. Would I say, "If you're hunting for a good read this October, Marge Simpson's book is a clear and present danger to your free time"? Hell no I wouldn't. What do you mean I just said it? That doesn't count! Hello. Hello?
Marge: Homie, I finished my novel…
Homer: Wooh, typed.
Marge: It's really important that you read it and tell me what you think.
Homer: No problem. Aww 286 pages!
Marge: It's double spaced.
Homer: Woo hoo! I'm half-way through!
Homer: How can you write such horrible things about me?
Marge: You told me you liked it! You didn't read it at all! You lied to me!
Homer: I didn't lie. I was writing fiction with my mouth.
Flanders: Did you agree to be married to a drunken lout who wouldn't respect you?
Marge: Pretty much. We wrote our own vows.
[The windsock at Boris's Car Lot is ripped from its platform; it flies away.]
Homer: Awww. That was my only friend here.
[Homer gets up on the platform and "performs" in the windsock's place.]
[Homer's driving the ambulance with Comic Book Guy - who's clutching his heart - in the back.]
Homer: So, where to, my friend?
Comic Book Guy: I already told you: the hospital! You're an ambulance, not a cab!
Homer: The hospital, huh? Seems like everyone's going there tonight.
[Homer's driving the ambulance with an unconcious man in the back.]
Homer: [to the unconcious man] So, you got any kids? [beat] Quiet kind, huh?
Lisa: Bart, this is horrible! What if Dad reads it ("The Harpooned Heart")?
Bart: It's too long; he won't read it.
Lisa: Well, what if they make it into a movie?
Bart: It's too sappy; he won't see it.
Lisa: Well, what if they do a parody about it on MadTV?
Bart: [gasps] We're doomed!

[edit] Margical History Tour [15.11]

Lisa (looking around at book shelves): "Everybody Poops: The Video"? "Yu-Gi-Oh! Price Guides"? There are hardly any books here at all!
Milhouse: But Krabappel wants a paper on Henry VIII and I have to score a pumpkin sticker or better on it.
Homer/Henry VIII: (singing to the tune of "I'm Henery the Eighth, I Am" and taking large bites of food between each stanza) I'm Henry the Eighth, I am. Henry the Eighth, I am, I am. I've been eating since 6 am, for dessert I'll have dinner again. My name's synonymous with gluttony, I'll always eat a turkey or a ham -
Marge/Margarin of Aragon: Stop singing that song! We all know who you are!
Sideshow Mel: Her Majesty, Margarine of Aragon!
Homer/Henry VIII: What're you doing out of bed? I just planted my seed in your womanly dirt.
Marge/Margerine of Aragon: Your Majesty, I know you want a son, but must we discuss my womb in front of the entire court?
Court: (laughing)
Dr. Nick: As the royal physician, it is my learned opinion that her womb is filled with sea serpents.
Marge/Margerine of Aragon: Hrrrmm...
Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: (to Homer/Henry VIII) Divorce! Well, there's no such thing in the Cath-diddly-atholic Church! But it's the only church we got, so what are you gonna do?
Homer/Henry VIII: I'll start my own church!
Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: Whaaaaaaaa!?
Homer/Henry VIII: Yes, my own church. Where divorce will be so easy, more than half of all marriages will end in it!
Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: Your Majesty, I work for the Pope, and I think a celibate Italian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you.
Homer/Henry VIII: Hmm, I understand. And because you stuck to your principles, I'm going to canonize you.
[Cut to tower roof, with Ned/More shoved in a cannon. Homer gives thumbs-up to cannoneer, and the fuse is lit.]
Ned/More: I can see my(gets shot out of the cannon)houuuuuuuuuuuuuse!
Bishop Lovejoy: And by the power vested in me, (points to Homer/Henry) by you just now, I pronounce you King and Trophy Queen. In the name of the Henry, the Hank, and the Holy Harry, amen... Henry.
[Marge/Margerine and Homer/Henry VIII speak to their daughter about their impending divorce.]
Marge/Margerine of Aragon: Sweetie, sometimes a mommy and a daddy decide to live apart. It's not your fault. It's just that you came out the wrong sex and ruined everything.
Homer/Henry VIII: So grow a penis or get lost.
Lisa/Mary: (grunts and struggles) I can't.
Homer/Henry VIII: Bye-bye!
Lisa/Mary: But why can't your heir be female or why can't we elect our leaders?
Homer/Henry VIII: (rubbing his chin) I wonder if I can canonize a child...
Lisa/Mary: Leaving!
Homer/Henry VIII (to Jane Seymour): Hey, baby. How'd you like to be queen for a day? (winks to Executioner Wiggum)
Executioner Wiggum: Heh! It's funny, 'cause you're king.
Lindsey Nagle/Anne Boleyn: Henry, I am ever so sorry I bore you a daughter.
Homer/Henry VIII: Oh, Anne. I'll love her as much as I love you.
[The camera pulls out revealing a crowd at the Tower of London waiting for the execution.]
Executioner Wiggum (to Lindsey/Anne): Your head lives for five seconds afterwards. So I put a magazine in the basket. (swings his axe and beheads Lindsey/Anne)
Lindsey/Anne's head (not seen; in basket): Oh, my horoscope. "Today, you will welcome great changes into your life." Wrong!
Homer/Henry VIII (as aides are slicing his crown and other royal items in half): No fair! I invented divorce! How come you get half of everything?
Pasty-Faced Lawyer: You should have invented the pre-nup. Now, one half of your kingdom, please.
[Homer/Henry VIII holds up of map of the British Isles. He rips it in half and gives the left part to Marge/Margerine of Aragon]
Marge/Margerine of Aragon (groans): I get Ireland?
Homer/Henry VIII: Ha ha!
Homer/Henry VIII: (in his sleep) Must sire a dude... Must sire a dude...
[Bart appears over his head in a dream bubble.]
Bart/Dream Son: Father, dearest. I am the son you crave. I'm athletic and smart and ever so masculine. Could a girl belch like this? (belches)
Homer/Henry VIII: Oh, my sweet little boy. Why can't I have you?
Bart/Dream Son: I don't know. Too much jerkin' your merkin'?
Homer/Henry VIII: Why you little!! (reaches into bubble and strangles Bart) Get out of my dreams and into my wife!
Marge/Margerine of Aragon: (wakes up and sighs) I could have married the King of France. He wasn’t so obsessed with procreation. Ting-a-ling-a-ling. Know what I mean?
[In his throne, Homer watches an old-fashion Itchy & Scratchy episode. Instead of cartoons, the cat and mouse are played by hand puppets)
Itchy: Sir Scratchy, I accuse you of conducting a Catholic mass.
Scratchy: Lord Itchy, I accuse you of not signing the Act of Succession.
(Our favorite cat and mouse begin beating each other with clubs)
Homer/Henry VIII: Look at me! I eat and eat and eat and I never get any thinner!
Lisa/Mary: (with flick knife) Some things never change. (camera irises on bracelet which has skulls on it all in the shape of a scream)
Lisa: I have to do a report on Sacagawea, but all I could find is this book on Ron Santo.
[Lisa puts the book back on the shelf, and a homeless man picks it up.]
Homeless man: Hey, I got toilet paper!
Chief Homer: Long have we awaited the coming of the white man... and Carl.
Lenny/Lewis: Thanks. And welcome to the United States of America.
Carl/Clark: Have a flag, and while you're at it, cover your nakedness and worship our Lord.
Chief Homer: (dismissively) Yeah, yeah, we'll get right on it.
Lenny/Lewis: At last! The Pacific Ocean!
Lisa/Sacagawea: That's a mud puddle.
Lenny/Lewis: Some of us find accomplishment in the smallest things.
Lisa/Sacagawea: How'd you get to be explorers anyway?
Lenny/Lewis: We got the job 'cause we own a compass.
Carl/Clark: Turns out the needle was just painted on.
Lisa/Sacagawea: Okay, those berries are poisonous, those leaves are poisonous, oh, and your belt is a snake, also poisonous.
Otto/Tweedleberge: I'll tell you what's poisonous—your attitude. (eats berries) You know... (falls on the ground) Ooo, I'm dying. But at least people will remember the expedition of Lewis and Clark and Tweedleberge. (dies)
Lisa/Sacagawea: Also, if you're confronted by a mountain lion, try to make yourself look as big as possible. And when you get a chance, bury your friend. (points to vultures already eating Otto/Tweedleberge's body)
Lenny/Lewis: Hey, we're still mourning. Let's get a drink.
Moe: All right, customers! And they said you shouldn't open a bar in Kansas! (a tornado comes by and takes Moe's bar) Well, nothing can crush the frontier spirit. (begins rebuilding his bar when the building comes crashing down on him) That'll do it. (groans in pain)
Quimby/Thomas Jefferson: It has been two years, so our brave explorers should be right about here...(points on a map, then sees Lenny, Carl, and Lisa outside the White House). You morons!
Bart: What is that? A quarter?
Milhouse: A Chuck-E-Cheese token?
Marge: No! It's a Sacagawea dollar! You can trade it in at the bank for a regular dollar! Huh? Huh?
Marge: History is like an amusement park. Except, instead of rides, you have dates to memorize!
Emperor Burns: Splendid, young Beethoven. I hereby declare all other music... obsolete!
Nelson/Beethoven: (to the tune of Beethoven's 5th) Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Lisa/Salieri: I never wanted you to die. I only wanted to destroy your talent and your joy.
Bart/Mozart: Thank you all for your support. And be sure to be at my next concert in... (he drops his pants and moons the audience) Crack-ow!!
Dr. Nick: Guten Tag, everybody!
Bart/Mozart and Lisa/Salieri: Guten Tag, Dr. Nick.
Bart/Mozart: Eat my pantaloons! (dies)
Homer/Leopold Mozart: Mozart is dead! (cries, then holds up Bart's face) Get your genuine death masks, fresh off the corpse! Be the first on your block to give me money! (bystanders walk away)
Marge: ...and that's the life of Mozart. Thank God he died young. I gotta get dinner on the stove.
Homer: All I know is the guy who played Mozart was also in Animal House. Now there's a movie with good music.
(breaking into the Animal House song)
Animal House, House, House
Nobody ever went to class
Then we saw Donald Sutherland's ass
Animal House, House, House, House
Animal House, House, House, House
Then they did the end like American Graffiti
Where you found out what happened to everyone.

[edit] Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore [15.12]

Groundskeeper Willie: It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies! Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!
Principal Skinner: You Scots sure are a contentious people.
Willie: You just made an enemy for life! audio clip
[At "Museum of Television and TV"]
Isabel Sanford: At this museum you won't see Michaelangelo. But you might see Michael Landon and Beverly D ' Angelo.
Bart: Just forget everything you know about gravity.
Lisa: But I know so much about it.
Bart: Just do it! audio clip
Kirk: This isn't over, Luanne! I'm gonna fight you with every half-hour lunch break I've got!
Milhouse: Those Cap City kids don't think I'm cool anymore. We were having a sleepover and a robber came and wet my bed. Then he folded the bed back into the couch and disappeared into the night. [shifty eyes] audio clip
Bart: Hey Moldilocks, mom says I'm supposed to help you.
Lisa: Fine, you can confirm the accuracy of the hose. [Sprays Bart] Hahaha! You wet your pants.
Grampa: Shut up! It's a serious problem! audio clip
Billboard Homer sees while driving: Diamonds... because money equals love
Milhouse: Then let's just say I don't care what people think of me anymore.
Bart: You mean up until now you did care? Then why did you wear that tutu to school last week?
Milhouse: What about all the times I didn't wear a tutu? Nobody ever brings those up. audio clip
Lisa: (thinking) Oh, my God, my brother's my best friend!
Bart: (thinking) Oh, my God, my sister's my best friend!
Marge: (thinking) Diamonds! I still can't believe he gave me diamonds!
Homer: (thinking) Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the baldest of them of all? audio clip
Bart: What are you talking about?
Homer: When a woman says nothing's wrong that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says everything's wrong that means EVERYTHING's wrong. And when a woman says something's not funny, you better not laugh your ass off! audio clip
Lady: Oh, you pour soul. You think that rat is a remote! (gives Homer a $5 note) Here.
Homer: Bwuh? Five bucks!? I don't need your charity... I'll dance for my money!
Homer: Hey, I know you! We met in a police line-up!
Bum: Oh yeah! You know, number two and number four are an item now.
Homer: You don't need to tell me. I was number three.

(while Homer is begging on the freeway)

Homer: Coke and Pepsi are the same thing! Wake up, people! (laughs insanely)

[edit] Smart and Smarter [15.13]

Simon Cowell: Well look who's back.. Pippy Non-Talking.
Lisa: Just because Maggie can't talk doesn't mean she's dumb. Einstein didn't speak until he was three.
Marge: And even then he could only speak German!
Simon: Fine, I'll give her an IQ test, if only to extinguish all hope. Alright my quiet American. How many eyes do you have?
Maggie: (holds up 2 fingers)
Simon: Well, congratulations. You're now as intelligent as a pig. Let's see if you can move up to dolphin. How many people in your family?
Maggie: (holds up 5 fingers)
Simon: (Gasps)
Homer: Woohoo! I got that one right too. (Laughs like a dolphin)
Simon: Ok, last question. Arrange these four arrows to make five arrows. Remind you, you only have 15 sec- (Gasps in amazement)
Family: OHHHH.
Simon: Your baby is brilliant! Why, she could already teach at Florida State!
Homer: Alright... Go Seminoles!
Simon: Meet Maggie Simpson, IQ 167.
Lisa: (agape) but, but my IQ is only 159!
Simon: (sarcastically) That's right, because 167 is a bigger number than 159. Do you see how that works?
Lisa: Maggie. Thinks she's so great.... [notices she's on the bitter side of a giant tongue] Oh. [moves to the sweet side] I miss them all, so much! [sobs]

[edit] The Ziff Who Came to Dinner [15.14]

  • Homer (singing to Bart with sadness): Turn around, turn around, turn around and you're a young man... and you're... too... big... to... choke! (*cries*)
  • Marge: Do you know why people hate you?
    Artie: Anti-Semitism?
    Marge: No, it's because you only think of yourself.
    Artie Ziff: Marge, I think about a lot more than just moi. (he imagines seeing can-can dancers who all look like Artie singing, in a can-can tune, "Artie! Artie! Artie! Artie!", and sees mustached spectators who look like Artie clap saying "Ziff Ziff Ziff Ziff".)
    Artie: Oh, my God. She's right.
  • (Homer takes Artie to Moe's, where he meets Aristotle Amadopolis, Llewelyn Sinclair, Jay Sherman, and Professor Lombardo—all characters Jon Lovitz voiced on the show—sitting in the bar.)
    Homer: Guys, I'd like you to meet Artie Ziff.
    Lovitz characters: Hello, handsome!
    Artie Ziff: Hello. (to himself) Losers.
  • Artie: Doesn't your father ever read to you?
    Lisa: He tried once, but he got confused and thought the book was real. He's still searching for that chocolate factory. It consumes him.
  • Moe: Hey, how can you arrest Homer? [points to Ziff] This guy's the one who done the thing what why you're here for! I'm talking malfeasance here!
  • Homer: (while being dragged away by the SEC) Don't tell my family I'm going to jail! Tell them I joined the Blue Man Group! I'M THE FAT ONE!!
  • Homer: Refuse to answer on the grounds that I what?!?
    Lawyer: (whispers to Homer)
    Homer: Inseminate myself? Dude, I think this guy's coming onto me.
    Lawyer: You, sir, are a moron!
    Homer: A Mormon? But I'm from earth!
(Here Homer apparently confuses Mormons with Martians or Scientologists or Unitarianism).
  • Lisa: (talking into camera) Both of us heard strange noises coming from this very spot. Bart and I will explore the attic until we find their source. (creaking; laughs nervously) Hee, hee, must be the pipes. What do you think, Bart?
    Bart: I think you're on your own, toots. (leaves)
    Lisa: Okay, I'll just stay calm and approach this scientifically. (more creaking) Oh God, oh God, oh God. (crying) If I don't make it out alive, I love you, Mom and Dad. Maggie, you can have my books. And Bart, I'll see you in hell, you booger-eating wuss! That's right, we all know! (steps on something) Aah! Bones! (runs off, then comes back) Copyright, Pink Pony Productions! Visit us on the web at "Lisathemovie.com"! (screams and runs off)
Moe: Well, well, well. Look who decided to show his face. You know, you got a lotta guts comin' in here after what you did to Homer, but since you did, what'll it be? First one's on the house.

[edit] Co-Dependent's Day [15.15]

(Homer is on the phone with the rehab clinic)

Homer: I can't talk to my wife for 28 days? Sir, she is not an alcoholic. You can't put me on hold, I'll put you on hold. (singing) I am a lineman for the county. (speaking) Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. (singing) And I drive the main road. (speaking) There are...eight... calls ahead of you. (singing) And the Wichita lineman is still on the li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-line.
Homer: Oh my god, we're having a simultaneous passout!
Kent Brockman: (to himself as he smokes a cigarette) Oh god I love to smoke.(realizing the camera is on) We're live at latest opening of the epic space saga "Cosmic Wars". And the nerds emerge from their basements wearing strange costumes to shield their pasty skin from the moonlight
Comic Book Guy: Simpsons! Your lack of costumes ill-befits line positions 2 3 and 4.
Lisa: Where's your costume?
Comic Book Guy: Your ignorance is amusing and sad. I am dressed in the actual clothing worn by Cosmic Wars creators "Randall Curtis". (Shows a picture of Randall Curtis) I bought them at an auction. Then added pregancy panels to fit my unique body type.
Cletus: We'll like to take it from the spy show. We like to see any of them aliens match up to the one in my root celler. (Cletus chuckles and shows a picture of a man tied up)
Otto: One ticket for the Cosmic Wars.
Teller: Sir, this is the line for the Momentum of Things starring Ellen Burstyn and Jim Broadbent.
Otto: Oh man! I waited three weeks at the wrong ticket window.
Homer: Man even I think the movie popcorn has gotten too big. (Bart reaches for the bucket of popcorn and Homer slaps Bart's hand)
Bart: Ow!
Homer: Get your own, mooch!

(Fanfare sounds begin as the audience cheers)

Comic Book Guy: Yes! Finally!

(Title card crawls throughout the beginning as a parody)

Bart: Amendments, regulatory agencies. What the fartbutt?!
Lisa: Don't worry they're just getting the plot out of the way so they don't slow down the.. (Lisa make imitatng blaster sounds and making imitating lightsaber sounds then she makes a imitating wookie sounds)

[edit] The Wandering Juvie [15.16]

Warden: Study shows that the part of the brain remembers dance steps is also the anger center. So, juveniles who know how to fox trot are 10% less likely to commit a double homicide.
Juvenile: Who conducted this study?
Warden: The institute of SHUT YOUR FAT FACE! Now pair up!
Gina Vendetti: He's mine.
Juvenile Girl: Him? Why?
Gina Vendetti: I like 'em small and bug eyed. (walks away)

(Prisons guards handcuff other juveniles together)

Warden: (to Bart) You two will dance and you will like it. (to Gina) Then you will have punch and you will drink it. (to Bart) Then your eyes will meet, and it'll be awkward. So help me god!

(Prison guards turns on light the and cocks the gun)

Gina Vendetti: Okay, here's my rules. Hands ten at two, no eye contact, and I don't want to hear how pretty I look.
Bart: Don't worry, you won't.

(Gina kicks Bart in the nuts. Bart on the ground, Gina dancing at looking at the rope and the window)

Gina Vendetti: We're getting out of here.

(Gina grabs the rope and got to the platform. And then the disco globe is smashed)

Warden: They're escaping! Seal the perimeter!
Janitor: I'm on it.

(Bart and Gina rushes to the window but the hook reaches the window and would not reach)

Warden: Can't you go any faster?!
Janitor: No, I can close it faster. Or I can close it right.
Warden: Can't you do both?!
Janitor: Tell it to the union!

(Bart and Gina sitting on the window during the escape. The window is finally closed)

Bart: I'm getting out in two weeks! Why would I break out with you? (Gina kisses Bart) Well, you do look pretty in the moonlight.

(Gina punches Bart as they fall off. Gina peeks out of the bush)

Bart: Hey Guards. Help, help.

(Gina puts a pine cone in Bart's mouth and then Bart was muffling)

Gina: Guess where the next one's going!
Bart:(muffled)Up my butt?

(Gina nods her head and they go on the lam)

Gina Vendetti: I'm Gina. Touch my fence again and your puberty is going to be very boring.

(Gina shreads his clothes into smithereens. Bart falls down and half of his clothes fall off) (Gina and the other girls laugh)

Bart: God I hate this place. It's nothing like the brochure.
Judge Harm: Bart the record of your mischief is staggering. Just look at this file.
Marge: That doesn't look so big.
Judge Harm: These are directions to the facility where Bart's criminal records occupies three full storage lockers.
Marge: Six feet by eight?
Judge Harm: Six by fourteen!

(the entire court room gasp)

Judge Harm: Bart Simpson, I hear by sentence you to six months at the Springfield Juvenile Correctional Facility. (pounds the gavel)
Bart: Juvie?! Please Judge you can't. I'll do anything. I'll squeal at my dad, he's been up to bad things, crap you've never thought of.
Chief Wiggum: We already got an informer working under cover on your dad. One he'll never suspect.
Homer: Is it Lenny?
Chief Wiggum: Dammit! I mean um, um no.

(Lenny pulls his shirt up throwing a walkie talkie and walks away)

Gina Vendetti: No I don't. They're imaginary like your brain.
Bart: Wait, I understand.
Gina Vendetti: You don't understand anything!

(Bart and Gina engage into a brutal fight)

Bart: You're such a psycho!
Gina Vendetti: Mama's boy!
Bart: Future skank!
Gina Vendetti: Family guy!
Chief Wiggum: Well, well, well. If it isn't Punch and Juvie.
Chief Wiggum: So, you thought you pull a fake wedding, eh? You're under arrest.
Bart: Come on chief, it was just to prank. Would some flatware help these out?
Chief Wiggum: Um, what does say on my badge: "Cash Bribes Only!" (Wiggum arrests Bart) Let's go.
Bart: Cool, guns. Die happy couples.

(Bart makes imitating gun sounds)

Store Clerk: That's not a toy son. It's a bar code reader. It registers wedding guests.
Bart: Bull Honkey!
Store Clerk: No, not bull honkey. The couple use guns like gifts they want for the wedding.

(Bart reads the bar code reader)

Bart: Wow!
Store Clerk: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the employee lounge to finish my shasta.
Kent Brockman: I am not chipping in on a birthday cake for that jackass Arnie Pie, let him eat... (Kent notices camera is on) This is Kent Brockman live at the Springfield Juvenile Hall...
Warden: One slingshot, one pack of cards "baseball", one doodle "fartzilla", one harmonica. Perfect mood setter for the end of your freedom. (Plays harmonica) Lessons by mail, worth while.
Marge: (sobbing) My baby boy is in jail. I'm the worst mom in the world.
Homer: It's not all your fault. All of these years I've watched you turn our son into a time bomb and yet I did nothing. So...in a way, I too am a victim...of you.

(Marge continues sobbing)

Lisa: You're a great mom. You're always they're for Bart with love and support. His acting out was caused by negative reinforcement!
Homer: Oh, I get it. Blame the strangler! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph!
Lisa: Why would Bart escape if he's gonna be released in two weeks?
Homer: You don't understand boy. He's stupid.
Marge: They don't know where to go or what to eat.
Homer: Relax, what's the worse could happen.

(In Homer's Fantasy)

Alien: You shall marry my daughter. Moon Hilda.
Moon Hilda: I can't wait to lay my eggs in his brain.

(Back to reality)

Homer: No son of mine will be marched down the aisle to the barrel of the ray gun! Let's go!
Warden: So, why do you want to be a guard here?
Homer: I believe the children are the future... Unless we stop them now!
Warden: Welcome aboard. (Holds a nightstick) This ends for beatin. This ends for holdin.
Homer: When does training start?
Warden: It just finished.
Warden: Well my shifts over, I guess it's back to my bachelor apartment, make a tuna sandwich, turn on, Will & Grace and, cry myself to sleep!
Marge: (Looks at warden) Would you like to join us?
Warden: Didn't you hear me I've got an evening planned! (Shuts Juvie door)
Marge: Hmmm...

[edit] My Big Fat Geek Wedding [15.17]

[at Moe's]

Skinner: Homer, this bachelor party seems to have peaked. Could you please return my pants and/or underpants so I can go home?
Homer: Come on, it's your last night of freedom. You gotta have some fun!
Skinner: Who are all of you people?
Carl: We're your buddies! Now come on, Homer's kid's principal, have a beer.
Skinner: I can't; I might be called upon to give directions later.
Superintendent Chalmers: SKINNER! You were asked to chug-a-lug, and a-lug you shall chug!
Skinner: [chugs beer] There's something I've wanted to say to you for a long time! Am I a good principal?
Chalmers: You're the best we could get with the funds at our disposal.

[everyone cheers]


Homer: String quartet, are you tuned up?
Musician: As tuned as we're gonna get in this humidity.
Homer: And the castrati?
Bart: The what now?
Homer: Why are you dressed as Catwoman?
Skinner: (Dressed like Catwoman a la Batman Returns) They told me it was Catman!

[edit] Catch 'em If You Can [15.18]

Bart: Lisa made me do it! She used a witch's spell!
Lisa: It's called Wicca and it's empowering!
Bart: Wicca's just a Hollywood fad!
Lisa: You're thinking of Kabbalah, you jerk!
Homer: What kind of airline routes all their flights through Nome, Alaska?
Marge: It's their hub.
Moe: [emerging from "Adult Video section"] Oh yeah. Brideshead's gonna get revisited tonight, baby!
Squeaky Voiced Teen: I'm sorry, sir. The computer says that the movie Chocolate Star Wars doesn't exist.
Homer: I say you don't exist!
Squeaky Voiced Teen: No, I'm right here under staff.

[edit] Simple Simpson [15.19]

Host of Promiscuous Idiot's Island: Now, ladies, when you agreed to do this show, you were told you would be living with a millionaire on his private island. Well, I'm afraid we've misled you. (the women gasp)
Marge (watching show): Get ready, skanks! Here comes the Truth Train!
Host: This isn't an island at all. It's a peninsula!
Woman 1: (walking away) This was supposed to be about trust!
Woman 2 (crying): I just want to get on that boat and go home!
Host: Well, you don't need a boat, because you can walk.
Bart: What did those women expect? When you sign a contract with FOX, you know you're gonna be betrayed and humiliated!
Farmer Billy: If you like bacon, you're gonna love it! And if you don't like bacon... well then, to Hell wit' ya.
Homer: But I'm no super genius! ... Or are I?
Kent Brockman: Pie—tasty dessert, tricky math thing, and now sword of righteousness!
Homer: (finding a bullet lodged in his arm) Let's see, cartilage, cartilage... muscle... NERVE!! Artery... Bullet!
Homer: (attempting to pie Mr. Burns) I've run out of pie-related puns!
Homer/Pie Man: No trap can hold Homer Simpson! Uh, but I'm not Homer Simpson... I'm the Pie Man! Homer Simpson away! I mean, the Pie Man.
Lisa: Dad, please. It's obvious you're the Pie Man. We've been getting his mail for weeks.
Mr. Burns: It's cobblering time!
Apu: Let's see—Farmer Billy's smoke-fed bacon, Farmer Billy's bacon-fed bacon, Farmer Billy's travel bacon... Mr. Simpson, if you really want to kill yourself, I also sell handguns!
Disclaimer: Warning—bacon factory may explode.
[Homer sees Burns whipping Lenny and Carl, telling them to eat faster.]
Pie 1: Hey Homer, throw me at Mr. Burns.
Pie 2 (Phyllis Diller voice): No, throw me! I'm old and stale. I might just kill him! (laughs)
Cake: (Droopy's voice) Don't do it Homer. You made a promise to Lisa.
Homer: Since when do I listen to cakes!
Pie 3: (smoking a cigar) Tell ya what Homer. Ya make one last hit, den yer out of the business forever. Lisa'll understand.
Homer: Oh, you're all so wise. I wish I could eat each and every one of you!
Mr. Burns: Grow a spine on your own time, fatso. Now pie that Brownie, Fruitcake!
Rich Texan: (after seeing Lisa's place setting contest entry) Lordy, girl! Your entry stinks like the south end of a northbound mule.
[Homer is on the roof.]
Homer/Pie Man: Wherever danger appears, the Pie Man will strike!
[Bart (as "Cupcake Kid") climbs up.]
Bart/Cupcake Kid: And wherever the Pie Man goes, the Cupcake Kid will not be far away!
Marge: While you two are up there, why don't you clean the leaves out of the gutter?
[They both groan and they go clean out the gutter.]
[On the news, the bomb squad destroys a large pile of pies.]
Wiggum: God, those poor, innocent pies, some days you just don't want to be a cop. I think I'll turn the siren on. That always cheers me up. (turns his car's siren on and laughs)
Kent Brockman: That'll be good footage.
Homer/Pie Man: Don't do the crime if you can't do the KEY LIME!
Mr. Burns: You will work for me.
Homer: I already work for you.

"Moe: Homer's a dumbass. No I mean friends. Ya dumbass!

[edit] The Way We Weren't [15.20]

Bart: Ok ladies, don't you have a poodle to dress up?
Sherri and Terri: Fine, we'll go. We'll find some other way to entertain our boy-crazy cousin who thinks you're cute.
(they walk away to reveal the cousin)
Bart (shuddering in pleasure): I wouldn't mind pushing that in the mud.
Milhouse: Round and round the bottle twirls, I hope it stops on one of the girls.
(The emptied beer bottle stops on Sherri and Terri's cousin, who's sitting at the treehouse entrance. She gasps.)
Milhouse (winks): I hope you like the taste of ringworm medicine! (approaches the cousin to kiss)
cousin: Eww! (runs away)
(At the same time Homer peers into the treehouse. Milhouse, oblivious to all this, touch lips with Homer. Finally they broke off and both retch.)
Homer: Eww! I kissed that sad, weird kid! (sees empty beer bottle) My beer!
Homer (sadly): You never had a chance to become my urine! (sobs)
Homer (sees Bart): Why, you little...! (strangles Bart)
Bart: Homer, I'll bet when you were ten, you were stealing beers, kissing girls, and tipping dinosaurs.
(young Abe drops boy Homer off to camp)
boy Homer (reading where sign says "for underprivileged boys"): "Underprivileged"? You pretended we were poor just to get me into camp?
young Abe (shifty eyes): Uh, yeah, pretended.
boy Lenny: Hey, you must be Homer! I'm Lenny, and this is Carl.
boy Homer: Wow, a Negro!
boy Carl: We prefer the term "black."
boy Homer: So cool.
boy Moe: That's right, you're workin' in the kitchen. That's how our camp pays the bills.
boy Carl: What bills? We got no water, no heat, we catch our own breakfast...
boy Moe: 12 kids died at our camp. We need the money to pay lawyers. (nervous chuckle)
girl Marge: Oh no! My retainer!
boy Homer: I've got it! (to himself) Ooh-la-la, a girl with teeth. Me like!
(sends retainer back to Marge)
girl Marge: Oh, thank you! You sound so sweet!
boy Homer (giggles): He-he-he-he-he, that's 'cause I've eaten 16 pieces of pie. (chuckles)
(girl Marge giggles)
boy Homer: You know, doing dishes has been the best part of camp.
girl Marge: Really? Why?
boy Homer: Because I talked to you.
girl Marge: Aww...
boy Homer: I couldn't see her through the flaps, but she's my kind of girl.
boy Lenny: Tell us more about the flaps!
boy Homer: To me, they were the rubbery gates of heaven, because behind them was the girl of my dreams.
boy Carl: Oh man, someday, love will come sliding down my chute.
boy Homer: Well, I can ask if she has any friends, 'cause she wants to meet me tonight.
boy Lenny: Way to go!
boy Carl: Outta sight!
boy Lenny: Now Homer, if you're gonna go, you'd better take some protection. (hands Homer some "protection")
boy Homer: Ooh, a switchblade! (putting his eye close to the switchblade) I see the switch, but where's the blade? (flips switch) Owwww! Found it.
boy Homer: An eye patch? But I've got a date tonight!
boy Moe: Ah, don't worry, chicks love that kind of thing--patches, scars, stumps...(camera zooms in to Moe's zits)...everything but zits.
boy Homer: All right, how should I get there? (sees rowboat) Hmm...I guess it's row versus wade. And it's my right to choose!
Homer: I couldn't believe my eye. She was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen...
(remembers Marge is listening)
Homer: (nervous chuckle) Uh...until I met your mother, who made that girl look like a Godzilla made of garbage.
Marge: Homer, that girl was me!
Marge [mad at Homer]: You're not gonna be kissing anybody for a while.
Homer: Well, that stinks...but I still get to kiss you, right?
(Marge groans annoyedly)
Camp Land-a-man instructor: By summer's end, I promise you will all walk like ladies, talk like ladies, and hold your liquor like ladies.
Camp Land-a-man instructor: Excellent. Girls, see how Marge's legs are slanted? You make Jackie O look like a splay-legged milkhorse. Now stand and walk.
(girl Marge walks in an uncomfortable, "proper" manner)
instructor: Well done. I'd be proud if you grew up to be my husband's mistress.
girl Marge (after getting back her retainer from boy Homer): I'd thank you, but I don't even know your name.
girl Helen Lovejoy: I bet it's something low-rent, like Billy Bob.
girl Patty: Or Homer.
girl Cookie Kwan: Big ugly Homer. (the girls giggle)
girl Marge: Oh, I'm sure it's a much nicer name than Homer.
boy Homer (muttering to himself): Uh...think, Homer, think.
girl Marge: What did you say?
boy Homer: I'm Elvis. Elvis Jagger. Elvis Jagger Abdul-Jabbar.
Marge: Now I'm gonna warn you kids, the next part of the story gets a little "WB"...
boy Homer's brain: Kiss her already. What are you, chicken? Bok-bok-bok-bok-bok-bok-bok-bok...
girl Marge's brain: Is he making chicken noises??
Bart: Way to go, Dad!
Lisa: The perfect kiss!
Homer: It was pretty delicious.
Marge: It was as satisfying as a million Hallmark cards with all the right-size envelopes.
(Lisa sighs dreamily)
Homer: It felt like a cluster bomb wiping out a graveyard full of zombies.
(Bart and Maggie sigh dreamily)
Lisa (to Homer): I can't believe you stood Mom up!
Bart: Face it, Lis--men are dogs. The worse we treat you, the more you want us.
Lisa: That's not what dogs do.
Bart (laughing): You said "dog doo"! You said "dog doo"!
Homer: (laughing)) She sure did!
Camp Flab-away instructor: So, you thought you could make a break for it, did you? Well, no one ever escapes from fat camp. 'Cause the only way out is up a gentle slope.
boy Homer: What the...? Fat camp? I don't belong here.
camp instructor: Huh! Your boy bosoms tell a different tale.
girl Marge (crying): That boy I kissed wouldn't even tell me his real name!
girl Patty: Typical. All boys want the same thing--to kiss until they're hot and heavy, then--vamoose!
girl Selma: Trust us. We know everything about boys, except what they look like below the waist.
girl Patty: I have some theories based on a G.I. Joe I bought.
(at fat camp, boy Comic Book Guy was struggling with sit-ups)
boy Comic Book Guy (clutches heart): Ooh the pain. (agonized moan) Man was not meant to sit up. Oh! (faints)
Homer: And now that my special girl has heard the truth, I know she'll forgive me. (looking worried when Marge doesn't respond) Earth to special girl--you forgive me, right?
Marge (halfheartedly): I guess so.
Lisa: Uh, I think we'll go to bed now. (drags Bart with her upstairs)
Bart: What are you doing? If they fight in front of us, we might get new bikes!
(Marge forgives Homer and they kiss passionately in bed)
Marge: Oh, Elvis...
Homer: Oh, anonymous girl who turned out to be Marge...
(credits roll)

[edit] Bart-Mangled Banner [15.21]

Lisa: This is ridiculous. Only babies and ex-junkies are afraid of needles. Stick me, chuckles. (cries) Can I have a lollipop?
Hibbert: Cancel all my appointments.
Moleman: But I need that kidney now!
Moe: Okay well I really enjoyed being you Dr. Hibbert, oh by the way you're not welcome in the library no more. I'm sorry.
Hibbert: The boy's hearing should clear up in a day, if he doesn't, call me in the Bahamas. For now he can express himself with this complementary pen.
Homer: Cool.
Hibbert: Oh it's a good pen, try it out. That was a malpractice waiver, FOOL!
Willie: I know what you're hiding, lad. Willie's been deaf since the boiler explosion of 88. But I've taught myself to read lips.
Guy: Morning, Willie!
Willie: What did you say about my mother!? For your information her feet stank cause she works in manure all day, but it's still the best damn Starbucks in Glasgow.
Homer: Donkey Basketball? Now I've heard everything. Unlike YOU! Ahahah! Haha! Oh, everybody remember that for when his hearing comes back.
(everyone laughs)
Chalmers: Welcome everyone to the annual donkey basketball classic. I'm sure that.. mule enjoy it!
(everybody stops laughing)
Skinner: Mmm, tough crowd. Uh, would everyone just rise for our national anthem?
(The Star-Spangled Banner plays)
Rich Texan: How dare he?! That's the flag my grandpappy rebelled against!
Marge: He was deaf!
Skinner: Oh I'm sure Marge, just like "Blind Bart", "Wheelchair Bart", "Pregnant Bart", and my personal favorite, "Railroad-Spike-Through-Head Bart".
Homer: Hehehe kids love trains.
Elmo: Elmo go through wrong fundraiser.
Marge: (after Lisa laughs at a cartoon disowning the Bill of Rights) Lisa, that's not funny! You believe in the Bill of Rights.
Lisa: (giggles) I don't know whether it's the lack of sleep, the sodium pentothal, or that it's the only cartoon I've seen in two months. (giggles) (seriously) But this is what I believe now.

[edit] Fraudcast News [15.22]

[The Squeaky Voiced Teenager is on top of Geezer Rock.]
Squeaky Voiced Teenager: Why did they cancel Futurama? [He leaps off the cliff.]
Homer: See Lisa, instead of one big-shot controlling all the media, now there's a thousand freaks xeroxing their worthless opinions.
[Homer's just triggered the cliff's collapse. He rushes to get his family out of harm's way.]
Homer: [to Lisa] C'mon, honey! Let's go!
Lisa: But I never even got to read my poem.
Homer: Here's a poem for ya: Run fast or lose your ass!
Mr. Burns: This is an outrage. Since when are public figures fair game for satire?
Smithers: Well your goons did run her off the road sir.
Mr. Burns: I can't be held responsible for what my goons were ordered to do.
Smithers: Perhaps theres non-violent way to silence this girl.
Mr. Burns: Non-violence never solved anything.
Mr. Burns: I'm at war with a little girl; and I'm losing! Smithers, this calls for the League of Evil!
(pushes a button making the bookcase in his office rise revealing skeletons with tattered clothes sitting at a table)
Mr. Burns: (gasps) My league! My beautiful league, all dead.
Smithers: Even monsters need air sir.
Mr. Burns: Blast! Oh well, gather their watches.
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