The Simpsons/Season 15
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The Simpsons Season 15
[edit] Treehouse of Horror XIV
- Young Frink Jr.: I don't wanna go on an expedition, father. I get seasick taking a shower. Clean, but nauseous.
- Professor Frink Sr.: Clean but nauseous! With the rolling and the heaving, and the - you make me sick! You've disgraced the name of John Nerdelbaum Frink.
- Young Frink Jr.: But, father, I...
- [Frink Sr. leaves and Frink Jr. cries]
- Professor Frink Sr.: [After he is revived] So, what am I? Some kind of Tin-Can Man from Planet Tomorrow?
- Lisa: Sir, your son has brought you back into the 21st century. It's alot like the 20th, except everyone's afraid and the stock market is much lower.
- Professor Frink Sr.: Polly don't like that cracker!
- Professor Frink Jr.: Father, you're dying again, but I can bring you back to life, sir.
- Professor Frink Sr.: Son, it doesn't take 5 brains in your head to know thats a bad idea. You saw I had become a monster and you stopped me, like a man. I'm proud of you. Now it's time for me to go to Hell. Ohh, eeh, aah. Aah, ooh, eeh. Dead. [moves weirdly and drops dead]
- [Frink Jr. cries for his father's death]
- Mayor Quimby: People, Springfield is in Crisis. Fingers have been shoved up Noses, Pants have been pulled down and (Click) Mayors (Click) have (Click) been (Click) Repeatedly (Click) Humiliated.
[edit] My Mother the Carjacker
- Homer: [to Mona] Look, Mom! Look! I'm riding by myself! [enters a wrong lane and screams]
- Mr. Burns: [After he loses his case against Mona] Curse that groovy granny! This is America! Justice should favor the rich!
- Mona Simpson: [After stealing the prison bus and being chased by police. She gets on the radio to Wiggum] Granny to The Man! Granny to The Man!
- Chief Wiggum: [Reading from a Hippy/English dictionary] This is...The Man...I think it would...be a gas...if you turned that...Magic Bus around...and kept on truckin' to...our pig pad.
- Mona Simpson: I don't know what you're saying, but I am not turning back!
[edit] The President Wore Pearls
- Lisa: Nelson, you're running for school president?
- Nelson: I'm not saying I have all the answers. But, I do have all the answer keys...to every test.
- (A group of students and their teacher crowd around Nelson)
- Nelson: Fractions, dinosaurs, foreign money, the first Thanksgiving...
- Mrs. Krabappel: Nelson, what are you doing?
- Nelson: Real-estate license exam?
- Mrs. Krabappel: My ticket to freedom!
- Marge: Lisa, what are you doing? This is the kind of trouble making I expect from your brother!
- Bart: You do? Cool, a blank check for mayhem!
[edit] The Regina Monologues
- Tony Blair: Hello. Welcome to the United Kingdom.
- Lisa: Prime Minister Tony Blair?
- Bart: Why are you greeting lowlifes like us at the airport?
- Blair: Because I want to encourage all the world to come see the beauty of 21st century Britain.
- Homer: Would an American dollar encourage you to leave us alone?
- Blair: No, but thank you.
- Marge: Tony, I mean, Mr. Prime Minister, what should we see first?
- Blair: There's so much to see here. Parliament, Stratford-on-Avon, the White Cliffs of Dover, oh, and since you Americans love castles, there's a huge one in Edinburgh, the city where I was born.
- Homer: The place where I was born is now a gator farm.
- Blair: Smashing.
- Lisa: Maybe you could give us a personal tour of your country?
- Blair: I'd love to. But I'm late for an appointment. I'm greeting a lovely Dutch couple at Gate 23. Cheerio.
- [puts on a jetpack and flies off, James Bond-style]
- Homer: Wow, I can't believe we met Mr. Bean!
- [The family spot J.K. Rowling emerging from a bookshop]
- Lisa: Look, it's J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books. You've turned a generation of kids onto reading.
- J.K. Rowling: Thank you, young Muggle.
- Lisa: Can you tell me what happens at the end of the series?
- J.K. Rowling: [sarcastically] He grows up and marries you. Is that what you want to hear?
- Lisa: [happily] Yes...
- [Rowling rolls her eyes and walks away]
- English Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Welcome to Judi Dench's Fish and Chips, [inside] now completely free of mad fish disease.
- Homer: Fish? I dunno, I'm not really a vegetarian.
- English Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Please order, or Miss Dench'll be furious. She'll beat us, she will.
- Judi Dench: Who are you talking to?
- English Squeaky-Voiced Teen: No-one, Mum, I swear!
- Judi Dench: I'll Mum you! [punches him]
- English Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Blimey--!
- Marge: That was very sweet of the Queen, letting you go in exchange for taking Madonna back to America.
- Madonna: I'm telling you! I'm English!
- Marge: English women don't pump gas naked.
- Homer: See ya in Atlanta, jerk.
[edit] The Fat and the Furriest
- Homer: That's it kids, suckle daddy's sugar ball.
- Bart: You're sneaking off to fight that bear, I wanna go too!
- Homer: No way. If something happens to me, you have to carry on the Simpson name.
- Bart: Screw that, when I grow up I'm legally changing my name to Joe Kickass!
- Homer: That is so cool! Okay you can come.
[edit] Today I am A Clown
- [A shot of a broken-down trailer. In front, a sign reads: "FOX Network World Headquarters." Inside, Krusty the Clown has a meeting with Fox executives.]
- Krusty: Well, since I'm fresh out of options, I guess all that is left is for me to get a show on... ugh... Fox. What do you say?
- Executive: I don't know...
- Krusty: Oh, come on, you guys are famous for taking a chance on useless crap!
- [Krusty is infuriated, because he doesn′t have a star on the Jewish walk of fame.]
- Krusty: Why don′t I have a star?! I′m much better than... (squints) Chaim Potok?! What is he,a Klingon?!
[edit] 'Tis the Fifteenth Season
- Krusty The Clown: Now in the spirit of the holiday season, start shopping! And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, "sick kids" may include hookers with a cold.
- [Krusty chuckles]
- [Homer is with Lenny and Carl at The Power Plant]
- Carl: Hey, Homer. I'm your secret Santa. Merry Christmas, big guy.
- [Lenny hands Homer a DVD player]
- Homer: Oh, my god! A DVD player!
- Carl: And the first season of Magnum P.I., with commentary by John Hillerman. Apparently, working in Hawaii was a pleasure.
- Homer: Oh, Carl, you remembered I like TV.
[edit] Marge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens, and Gays
- Marge Simpson: My name is Marge Simpson, and I am a mother.
- Meeting Crowd: BOO!
- Marge: I'm also an American.
- Meeting Crowd: YAY!
- Marge: I bake apple pies.
- Meeting Crowd: YAY!
- Marge: And I like baseball.
- Meeting Crowd: BOO!
- Lindsey Naegle: I dream of an America with nudity and F-words on network TV. Where the whole world doesn't stop because a school bus did. Children are the future… today belongs to me!
- Meeting Crowd: [with their fists raised] YAY!
- Homer Simpson: You can’t change the rules in the middle of the game! We never would've had these kids if we thought we had to pay for them. Promises were made!
- Luigi: Hey, tough tortellini! I am a-sick of printing a-children's menu! Let Mickey Meatball find his own way out of the maze! [spits] Apooey!
- Mel: We're tired of buying overpriced tickets for your lousy school plays!
- Marge: Then how would we ever get to see Camelot?!
- Mel: We'll merely watch the movie on tape!
- Marge: Hmm..., is that better? Well, to me, Ralph Wiggum is Sir Lancelot.
- Ralph: [singing] If ever I would leave you, it wouldn't be in summer!
- Meeting Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOO!
- Lindsey Naegle: Ladies and Gentlemen! Let's kill every child... FRIENDLY THING IN TOWN!!!!!!!!!!!
- Meeting Crowd: [As they were dismissed to take actions] YAY!
- Squeaky-voiced Teen: It's time to put away childish things... [in a deep voice] ...and become a man!
- Homer's Commercial: For more information, visit our website, www.aljazeera.com, we're not affiliated, we're just piggy-backing on their message boards. [Attempts to hypnotize the audience with a moving photo of Rudy Giuliani] I am Rudy Giuliani, do as I command you! [Yes on 232 flashes quickly, but visibly] I am Rudy Giuliani, do as I command you!
- Homer Simpson: Marge! Wait! [tries to hypnotize Marge with a moving photo of Rudy Giuliani] I am Rudy Giuliani, you must forgive Homer! I am Rudy Giuliani, you must forgive Homer!
[edit] I, (Annoyed Grunt)-Bot
- Lisa: I'm keeping you! You're Snowball V, but to save money on a new dish, we'll just call you Snowball II and pretend this whole thing never happened.
- Principal Skinner: That's really a cheat, isn't it?
- Lisa: I guess you're right, Principal Tamzarian.
- Principal Skinner: I'll just be moving along, Lisa. Snowball II.
- Bart: I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream.
[edit] Diatribe of a Mad Housewife
- Flanders: Did you agree to be married to a drunken lout who wouldn't respect you?
- Marge: Pretty much. We wrote our own vows.
- Lisa: This is horrible! What if Dad reads it ("The Harpooned Heart")?
- Bart: It's too long; he won't read it.
- Lisa: Well, what if it gets made into a movie?
- Bart: It's too sappy; he won't see it.
- Lisa: Well, what if they do a parody about it on MADtv?
- Bart: [gasps] We're doomed!
- Homer: I'll have to read Marge's book, and I swore never to read again after To Kill a Mockingbird gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds. It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin, but what good does that do me?
[edit] Margical History Tour
- Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: (to Homer/Henry VIII) Divorce! Well, there's no such thing in the Cath-diddly-atholic Church! But it's the only church we got, so what are you gonna do?
- Homer/Henry VIII: I'll start my own church!
- Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: Whaaaaaaaa!?
- Homer/Henry VIII: Yes, my own church. Where divorce will be so easy, more than half of all marriages will end in it!
- Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: Your Majesty, I work for the Pope, and I think a celibate Italian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you.
- Homer/Henry VIII (as aides are slicing his crown and other royal items in half): No fair! I invented divorce! How come you get half of everything?
- Pasty-Faced Lawyer: You should have invented the pre-nup. Now, one half of your kingdom, please.
- [Homer/Henry VIII holds up of map of the British Isles. He rips it in half and gives the left part to Marge/Margerine of Aragon]
- Marge/Margerine of Aragon (groans): I get Ireland?
- Homer/Henry VIII: Ha ha!
- William Clark/Carl: Alright, the Columbia River! Now we just ride this baby down to the Pacific and get some sweet mermaid sex!
- Sacagawea/Lisa: For the last time, those are SALMON!
[edit] Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore
- Groundskeeper Willie: It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies! Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!
- Principal Skinner: You Scots sure are a contentious people.
- Willie: You just made an enemy for life!
- Billboard Homer sees while driving: Diamonds... because money equals love.
[edit] Smart and Smarter
- Simon Cowell: Well look who's back.. Pippy Non-Talking.
- Lisa: Just because Maggie can't talk doesn't mean she's dumb. Einstein didn't speak until he was three.
- Marge: And even then he could only speak German!
- Simon: Meet Maggie Simpson, IQ 167.
- Philipa: 167? That's amazing for a Christian!
- Lisa: [horrified] But, but my IQ is only 159! Maggie's more intelligent than me?
- Simon: That's right, because 167 is a bigger number than 159. Do you see how that works?
- Lisa: [annoyed] Yes, thank you.
- [The family think they're about to die]
- Homer: Marge, I've always loved you. Bart, you were a worthy foe.
- [Lisa comes to school dressed as a goth.]
- Milhouse: What are you now, Lisa? An Oakland Raiders fan?
- Lisa: It's called "Goth," eternally clueless one. My new name is "Raven Crow Neversmiles."
- Milhouse: Cool. We could be Goth together. We'll got to the cemetary and summon the dark Lord by kissing and junk.
- Lisa: Okay... but first you must apprentice, by kissing the Goddess Ironica. Who lives in this rock. Do it for an hour, hour and a half. [Lisa hands Milhouse a rock and leaves]
- Milhouse: Yes, my mistress. [Milhouse kisses the rock]
[edit] The Ziff Who Came to Dinner
- Artie: Doesn't your father ever read to you?
- Lisa: He tried once, but he got confused and thought the book was real. He's still searching for that chocolate factory. It consumes him.
- Homer: Refuse to answer on the grounds that I what?!?
- Lawyer: (whispers to Homer)
- Homer: Inseminate myself? (to the Senate committee while pointing at his lawyer) Dudes, I think this guy's coming onto me.
- Lawyer: You, sir, are a moron!
- Homer: A Mormon? But I'm from Earth!
[edit] Co-Dependent's Day
- [Homer is on the phone with the rehab clinic]
- Homer: I can't talk to my wife for 28 days? Sir, she is not an alcoholic. You can't put me on hold, I'll put you on hold. [singing] I am a lineman for the county. [speaking] Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. [singing] And I drive the main road. [speaking] There are...eight... calls ahead of you. [singing] And the Wichita lineman is still on the li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-line.
- Kent Brockman: [to himself as he smokes a cigarette] Oh god I love to smoke. [realizing the camera is on] We're live at latest opening of the epic space saga "Cosmic Wars". And the nerds emerge from their basements wearing strange costumes to shield their pasty skin from the moonlight
[edit] The Wandering Juvie
- Marge: (sobbing) My baby boy is in jail. I'm the worst mom in the world.
- Homer: It's not all your fault. All of these years I've watched you turn our son into a time bomb and yet I did nothing. So...in a way, I too am a victim...of you.
- (Marge continues sobbing)
- Lisa: You're a great mom. You're always there for Bart with love and support. His acting out was caused by negative reinforcement!
- Homer: Oh, I get it. Blame the strangler! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph!
- Store Manager: Mr Simpson, some people want to use that dressing room!
- Homer: [in the dressing room with his trousers down] Dressing room? Uh-oh...
Mayor Quimby arrives at Bart's fake wedding with a young woman.
- Quimby: Remember, if anyone asks, you're my niece from out of town.
- Young Woman: I am your niece Uncle Joe.
- Quimby: [realizing] Good Lord! I'm an abomination!
- Warden: So, why do you want to be a guard here?
- Homer: I believe the children are the future... Unless we stop them now!
- Warden: Welcome aboard. (Holds a nightstick) This ends for beatin'. This ends for holdin'.
- Homer: When does training start?
- Warden: It just finished.
[edit] My Big Fat Geek Wedding
- Groundskeeper Willie: [after accidentally driving over a red ball] Oh my God, I've shredded a child! AGAIN! [races to a nearby road, heading for the border] Venezuela, here I come!
- [at Moe's]
- Skinner: Homer, this bachelor party seems to have peaked. Could you please return my pants and/or underpants so I can go home?
- Homer: Come on, it's your last night of freedom. You gotta have some fun!
- Skinner: Who are all of you people?
- Carl: We're your buddies! Now come on, Homer's kid's principal, have a beer.
- Skinner: I can't; I might be called upon to give directions later.
- Superintendent Chalmers: SKINNER! You were asked to chug-a-lug, and a-lug you shall chug!
- Skinner: [chugs beer] There's something I've wanted to say to you for a long time! Am I a good principal?
- Chalmers: You're the best we could get with the funds at our disposal.
- [everyone cheers]
- Homer: Why are you dressed as Catwoman?
- Skinner: (Dressed like Catwoman à la Batman Returns) They told me it was Catman!
- Marge: Passion is for teens and immigrants.
[edit] Catch 'em If You Can
- Moe: [emerging from "Adult Video section"] Oh yeah. Brideshead's gonna get revisited tonight, baby!
- Bart: [Looking on an airline computer] So, Mom and Dad are going to Atlantic City, but their luggage isn't. [laughs] And Homer's getting a low-fat meal.
- [Camera cuts to a plane flying]
- 'Homer: [From inside the plane]Nooooooo!
!!!
- Squeaky Voiced Teen: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. The computer says that the movie Chocolate Star Wars doesn't exist.
- Homer: I say you don't exist!
- Squeaky Voiced Teen: No, I'm right here under "staff."
[Homer and Marge bounce around in an inflatable house]
- Homer: This is just like when I went into space!
- Marge: You have been to space?
- Homer: And yet, I have never been to me...
[edit] Simple Simpson
- Host of Promiscuous Idiot's Island: Now, ladies, when you agreed to do this show, you were told you would be living with a millionaire on his private island. Well, I'm afraid we've misled you. (the women gasp)
- Marge (watching show): Get ready, skanks! Here comes the Truth Train!
- Host: This isn't an island at all. It's a peninsula!
- Woman 1: (walking away) This was supposed to be about trust!
- Woman 2 (crying): I just want to get on that boat and go home!
- Host: Well, you don't need a boat, because you can walk.
- Bart: [Watching the show] What do those women expect? When you sign a contract with FOX, you know you're going to be betrayed and humiliated!
- Homer: It's time to take him down a peg. Or should I say down a pie?
- Lisa: No, I think the expression is peg.
- Homer: Maybe you're right Lisa. Maybe you're pie. Pie be your pie.
[edit] The Way We Weren't
- Lisa: (working as the judge in "Simpson Family Court") Now up, the case of Simpson v. Simpson.
- Homer: Mr. Simpson, do you think it's appropriate for a ten-year old boy to steal a beer with intent to kiss?
- Bart: Do you think it was appropriate to bet against your son's little-league team?
- Homer: Wh-? Persmission to treat this witness as hostile? (takes out a baseball bat)
- Young Lenny: Now, Homer, if you're gonna go, you better take some protection. (gives him a switchblade)
- Young Homer: Whoo, a switchblade! (eyes it closely) I see the switch, but where's the blade? (camera moves out of the cottage, we hear the blade opening) OOOOWW!! Found it.
- Homer: This is so confusing. (turns to "judge" Lisa) I'd like a brief recess.
- Lisa: Granted. (brings the gavel down)
- Homer: Whee! Recess! (runs out and goes swinging on a swing)
- Bart: Let me get this straight: when you were my age, you had the hots for mom and didn't even know it? Oh, that's cool! Or is that lame? I guess I'll go with lame. You're lame!
- Homer: Why? Because I only kissed one girl in my whole life? That's still one more than you.
- Bart: I've kissed three girls.
- Homer: (cries) I'm so lame!
- Camp Land-a-man instructor: Excellent. Girls, see how Marge's legs are slanted? You make Jackie O look like a splay-legged milkhorse. Now stand and walk.
- (girl Marge walks in an uncomfortable, "proper" manner)
- Instructor: Well done. I'd be proud if you grew up to be my husband's mistress.
- Camp Flab-away instructor: So, you thought you could make a break for it, did you? Well, no one ever escapes from fat camp. 'Cause the only way out is up a gentle slope.
- Homer: Marge, I'm really sorry I hurt you, but I've done way worse stuff since then. There was the gun I hid from you, the time I sued the church, ruining Lisa's wedding in the future, remember that?
- Homer: (going through his "Memory Box") Whoo, a letter from my old pen pal! Someday I'll write you back, Osama.
[edit] Bart-Mangled Banner
- Willie: I know what you're hiding, lad. Willie's been deaf since the boiler explosion of 88. But I've taught myself to read lips.
- Guy: Morning, Willie!
- Willie: What did you say about my mother!? For your information her feet stank cause she works in manure all day, but it's still the best damn Starbucks in Glasgow.
- [Bart accidentally moons the U.S. flag]
- Rich Texan: How dare he?! That's the flag my grandpappy rebelled against!
- Lisa: [As the Simpsons swim away from Alcatraz] Swim for San Francisco!
- Homer: We're not made of money! We'll swim for Oakland!
[edit] Fraudcast News
- Homer: See Lisa, instead of one big-shot controlling all the media, now there's a thousand freaks xeroxing their worthless opinions.
