The Simpsons/Season 16

From Wikiquote
Jump to: navigation, search
Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about:
For other uses of "The Simpsons", see The Simpsons (disambiguation).

The Simpsons Season 16.

Treehouse of Horror XV[edit]

Bart (being burned on a frying pan by Kang and Kodos): Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain?
Homer (eating himself on a frozen dish): You're the only one who won't shut up about it!

[Ned has been suffering a series of premonitions that have come true]
Ned: Oh Lord, why have you given me these unholy visions of doom!? [Ned sees he is standing outside a theatre performing the Rosie O'Donnell Musical. He has another premonition of the show being cancelled after three performances]
Ned: [scoffs] Well, I didn't need any special power to know that was coming!

Ned has shot Homer, who wobbles back and forth and finally falls next to the core destruct button.
Ned:sighs in relief.
Homer's tongue flops on to the button and presses it.
Ned: Oh, you stupid son of a--
Springfield explodes.

Marge: I bet you just blew up Springfield so you could get out of doing the garage! Well, the joke's on you, mister, the garage made it into Heaven too!

(the garage now has wings and a halo)



God: Homer, it is time you got what is coming for you... by which of course I mean your frisbee!

Homer: Captain!
Lisa: Science officer!
Bart: Security!
Marge: Marge!
Mr. Burns: Now I insist you take off your shoes when you get inside. And while you're in there, grab as much cancer as you can.

Flanders: What the Family Circus?

Lisa: Mr. Flanders, why are you moving?
Flanders: Cause I had a vision of myself... shooting your father.
Bart: In this neighborhood, who hasn't?
Lisa: Well, you can't fight fate, but if you must shoot our father, please remember our family motto: "Not in the face."

Inspector Wiggum: Well, well, well, look who's here. Master Detective Eliza Simpson and her easily amazed sidekick, Dr. Bartley.
Dr. Bartley: What's this? A doorknob! Good show!

Inspector Wiggum (after eating eel pie): We British sure eat crap.

Purveyor [Comic Book Guy]: You may examine my curios, but do not touch my oddities. Use your judgment with my gewgaws.

Inspector Wiggum (to Lou): Why can't you be more like Eddie? He never says a word against me.
Lou: That's 'cause you cut out his tongue.
Eddie (without a tongue): E's 'ight 'eef.

Inspector Wiggum (escaping in a hot-air balloon): You'll never catch me! I'm traveling at the speed of wind! Ha ha ha...(a spaceship pops the balloon which causes it to spin away into the distance) Remember me for my police work and not the murders!

Marge: Why is my swimsuit so revealing?
Homer: Marge, that's what turns a mediocre voyage into a fantastic voyage.

Bart (to Marge): Mom, did you have to fly out through all those boogers?
Marge: Cut me some slack, I'm a widow.

Homer: You don't want to piss off a man who can kick you in the crotch from the inside.

All's Fair in Oven War[edit]

Bart: [reading] Canned and frozen juices are more popular than ever these days, but most bachelors we know would prefer to squeeze their own tomatoes.

Homer: [Preparing to teach Bart about sex] Son, do you know what a "boob" is?
Bart: Oh, yeah.
Homer: Oh, good. That will save us some time.

Bart: I'm just spreading the Playdude philosophy… hi-fi's, Norman Mailer, gettin' some.
Homer: Um… what do you think "some" is?
Bart: Uh… toys?

Homer: Okay, why do you think your mother and I sleep in the same bed?
Bart: Because we're poor?
Homer: Exactly, and we're poor because we have kids. And the biological method by which children are created by a man and a woman is...
[cut to outside of the treehouse; Bart can be heard screaming, and quickly runs to Milhouse's house]
Bart: Then the man...
[Bart and Milhouse can be heard screaming; they run to other children's houses]
Both: Then the woman...
[Bart and Milhouse can be heard screaming, and run to two more houses, screaming and many kids run to many houses]
Homer: Well, better they hear it from me, now, than from their parents when they're old enough.

Marge: Oh my God! Someone somewhere says I'm better than someone else.

Sleeping With the Enemy[edit]

[Homer's making a sketch of himself for Lisa, in explaining "the Simpson butt"]
Homer: Every Simpson starts with a circle. Daddy has one big circle here...(belly)...then a smaller one up here...(chest)...two big, sexy circles for eyes, one macho muzzle...then a snappy new outfit. Ooh, I'm looking good. [draws pants] Ooh, cuffs, yeah. And for some reason, my hair and ear form an "M" and a "G". [completes sketch]

Bart: [when he sees Nelson helping Marge out with the garden] My mother... My bully... My God!!!

Nelson: A doctor for your teeth? What's next, a lawyer for your hair?

Nelson: He who ha-has last, ha-has best.

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart did get 100. I gave a test on state capitals, but I forgot to roll up the map. Everyone got 100.

Ralph: Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck-
[Fast forward to hours later, where everyone clearly frustrated and/or asleep]
Ralph: Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck,-
Bart: Say goose, you stupid freak!
[Ralph runs out of the room crying]

Lisa: What, I'm not fat enough already?! How could you say that to me?!

[about Bart and Lisa to Marge]
Principal Skinner: They're just asserting their independence. If a child doesn't do it now, it may never happen.
Agnes Skinner: Seymour! Do you want your vitamin in apple sauce or are you gonna take it like a big boy?
Principal Skinner: [quietly] Apple sauce.

Homer: Come on Lisa, say everything's fine. [in a squeaky girly voice] Everything's fine.
Lisa: That was you!
Homer: Prove it!

Homer (to Bart): All right, boy, which con did you work here? Copy off another kid? Pay attention in class and take notes?

Ralph: Bart's my bestest boyfriend.

Homer (to Marge): Oh, what's the big deal? Bart didn't like his presents. So what? It's not like he gives us such great gifts. Remember that maple leaf ironed between the sheets of wax paper? What was that? That was crap.
Marge: It's not just the presents. The kids don't appreciate me anymore. They'd rather hang out with their friends than with their mom.
Homer: So they're growing up. Soon, they'll be leaving the nest, and you'll have time for yourself. Hundreds of thousands of hours. And then the peace of the grave.

Nelson (pointing to the bats at the zoo): Haw haw! You're nocturnal!
Marge: You don't have to impress me by making fun of others. I already like you.
Nelson: Haw haw! I'm starting to let down my guard. Haw haw!

Marge: Nelson, how'd you like to earn some extra money around the house? I have some odd jobs my kids won't do.
Nelson: Yeah, I get the feeling Bart isn't everything he could be in the son department.
Marge: Oh. Sometimes I think he's more interested in his "Itchy and Mitchy" cartoons than me.
Nelson: Hey, I'm sure it's just a phase, like when I used to stand on the overpass and drop computers on the highway.
Marge: That's how we got our Kaypro.

Marge: It'll be B.L.A.M.! Bart, Lisa, and Mom! Hmmm?
Bart: Mom, when I want lame and needy, I'll call Milhouse.

She Used to Be My Girl[edit]

Marge: You know Chloe some of us stayed in this town and made it a better place.
Homer: Oh come on Marge, the only reason we don't move out of this dung hill is because of my court ordered ankle bracelet. (Reveals a beeping bracelet on his right ankle) I'm here! I'm here! Quit bugging me.
Marge: Why do you always have to show that to company?
Homer: It's a conversation starter. (short pause)
Marge: (moans)

Marge: I would've followed Chloe, but my plans changed when God brought me a wonderful little boy. Bart, stop that!
[Shows Bart cutting the TV with a saw]
Bart: This isn't what it looks like. [continues sawing]

Lisa: Uh oh. The Christian Science Monitor has a flat tire.
Man #1: I'll get the spare.
Man #2: No! (praying) We must wait for God to jack us.

Homer: What happened to us, Marge? We used to feed each other cheese and laugh all night. Then came the heart attacks.

Kent Brockman: Channel 6 News rocks! A car chase every night or the weather girl wears a tube top, and if she doesn't, you win a pizza!

Chloe: Marge, where are you living now?
Marge (mumbling): Evergreen Terrace.
Chloe: Paris? Just like you always dreamed!
Marge: Terrace. Evergreen Terrace. The street that smells like pee.

Chloe (to Homer): I remember you in high school. You barfed in my tuba.
Homer: I believe it was the school's tuba.

Homer (to Marge): Oh Honey, her life can't compare to yours. You got three kids, a TV tray from Expo '67, and you're married to King Stink.

Chloe (to Marge): Oh, that's it! I'm going to show you some moves I learned from G. Gordon Liddy!
Marge: I'm so sick of names!

Marge (to Lisa): Lisa, honey, let me explain what happened tonight. Sometimes when your mom has half a glass of wine, she goes cuckoo bananas.

Bart: Thinking is for losers!

Lisa: Be careful, Mom! There's hot lava under the ground!
Chloe: Actually, when it's underground, lava is called magma!
Lisa: You're so smart, Chloe!
Chloe: Walter Cronkite told me the same thing.
Marge: Come on! You're out of the girl business!

Chloe: Lisa! What are you doing in there?
Lisa: Praying to Buddha, Jesus, SpongeBob! There's no time to be picky!
(we see Buddha, Jesus & SpongeBob SquarePants in heaven)
Buddha: Perhaps we should help.
SpongeBob: Screw her! (laughs evilly)

Fat Man and Little Boy[edit]

(Bart has written "Adults suck, then you are one" on his T-shirt)
Marge: Bart! Someone wrote something cynical on your shirt. Let me wash it off.
Bart: Leave me alone. This expresses my rage at the machine.
Marge: Well I like t-shirts with a nice joke, like "Support our troops".
Homer: Bart's shirt is a classic, Marge, just like "Keep on truckin" - as if I would ever want to stop truckin'.

Homer: Maybe the Internet can help me out. It sure gave some good advice on wang enhancement. Okay, www.nuclearsecrets.com. "Are you a terrorist?" No. "Would you like to meet someone new, but are tired of the bar scene?" No! I will never tire of the bar scene!

(Homer has created a working nuclear reactor)
Lisa: Mom, Dad created a device that could be dangerous in the wrong hands. And HE'S holding it!

Homer: Get back in the garage, old man!
Grampa: But there's spiders in the boxes!
Homer: Stay out of my boxes!

Bart: God, please give your daughter, the Tooth Fairy, the strength to carry my cash and the integrity not to dip her wand in the till.

Bart: There's more than one way to lose a tooth! [to Nelson] Hey, idiot! You're fat! And your mom is naked on the Internet! You also smell.
Nelson: Hmm. You've given me a lot to think about.

Lisa: Bart, if you don't get up now, good luck getting a pancake. Dad's pulled his chair right up to the stove.

Marge: We're big fans, Mr. Gladwell.
Homer: Yeah, nothing makes parents happier than when an eccentric, single man takes an interest in their child.

Vendor: Mr. Retailer, over here! Your customers will love these mood lollipops. Every lick reveals your mood.
Apu: [lick, lick] It works, if blue is the color for unimpressed.

Homer: You give my son what he deserves, or I will knock you on your delightfully offbeat ass!
Goose Gladwell: Ho-ho, I must warn you sir, I was a Green Beret in Vietnam. The things I saw are what made me CRAAAAAAZZZYYY!

Midnight Rx[edit]

(During the couch gag: the music is absent as the Simpsons sit on the couch as normal. Nothing happens. Lisa then looks at the camera)

Lisa: What? Can't we sit on the couch without something happening?
(Just then, a spear comes hurtling at Homer and impales him in the chest. The family stares in shock)
Homer: D'oh!

[Homer and Grampa arrive at the border. Homer is dressed in Mexican clothing, including a sombrero]

Homer: [To border patrol] Hola señor! We are gringo and wish to spend mucho dinero in your country.
Border Patrol: Splendid! Welcome to Canada!
Homer: D'oh!

Mr. Burns: Fear not Smithers! I'll move heaven and earth to save you! It's still easier then teaching a new assistant my filing system.

Apu: [While they ride to Canada] Homer! Please tell Mr. Ned to stop trying to convert me!
Ned Flanders: I was just saying how brave he is to worship a false god!
Apu: I do not worship one god, okay? I worship a whole super team of deities that--[Flanders pinches] OW, ow! Okay, he just pinched me!
Ned Flanders: Where's your super team, now?
Homer: Listen, you two! I'll you both who the true God is, if you're both quiet for the rest of the trip! [Ned and Apu protest] All right, I'm coming back there! [Unbuckles seatbelt and leaves driver's wheel to go to the back seat. The van swerves uncontrollably through traffic]
Apu: Save me, Shiva!
Ned Flanders: Why don't you just call for Hawkman?
Apu: Why don't you just shut up!?

[After Homer and Grampa are arrested for smuggling in Canada]
Canadian Official 1: We have confiscated your car and its contents.
Canadian Official 2: Nous avons confisqué votre voiture et son contenu.
Canadian Official 1: You may leave Canada, but never return.
Canadian Official 2: Vous pouvez quitter le Canada, mais vous n'avez plus le droit de rentrer.
Canadian Official 1: I am a big fat French idiot.
Canadian Official 2: Je suis un grand gros...--hey!
Canadian Official 1: Heh, heh, heh!

Mommie Beerest[edit]

Homer's Business Card: (Gives to Marge in case she wanted to cheat on Moe)
Homer Simpson Plus Size Butt Model

Homer: Marge, you can't go with me to Moe's. I mean, how would you like it if I came with you to your mother's?
Marge: I would like it. You never come with me to my mother's.
Homer: That's because I hate her.

Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass[edit]

Crazy Cat Lady: Ugh, this whole place is disgusting.
Marge: I agree. [turns around] Hey, aren't you the crazy cat woman?
Crazy Cat Lady: Yes I am, but thanks to this psycho-active medication, I enjoy brief moments of lucidity.
Marge: Those are just Reese's Pieces.

[Crazy Cat Lady abruptly resumes her normal behaviour, screaming gibberish and hurling cats]


Homer: The Internet wasn't created for mockery. It was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets. It was.

Homer: I'm the worst thing to happen to sports since Fox.

Comic Book Guy: My name is Jeff Albertson, but everybody calls me "Comic Book Guy".
Ned Flanders: Well I'll just call you friend. Here's your tape, friend.

[We see Pac-Man & Ms. Pac-Man at the Super Bowl getting married]
Wedding Announcer: I now pronounce you Pac-Man and wife.

Pranksta Rap[edit]

Bart: (gulps) Time to face my punishment like a man, or find my way out of it like a kid!

Wiggum: Lou, you're promoted to chief of police.
Lou: Sweet.
Wiggum: And Eddie, you're promoted to Lou.
Eddie: Nice. And, uh, who's gonna be Eddie?
Wiggum: We don't need an Eddie.(Eddie looks down in dissapointment.)

There's Something About Marrying[edit]

Bart: Is this one of those reality deals where a guy gets a million bucks for marrying Aunt Patty but they have to honeymoon in a box full of snakes?
Homer: Son, that's the stupidest idea I ever heard... and I know exactly who would pay top dollar for it! (picks up phone and dials)
Phone: You've reached FOX. If you're pitching a show where gold-digging skanks get what's coming to them, press 1. If you're pitching a rip-off of another network's reality show, press 2. Please stay on the line - your half-baked ideas are all we've got.

Krusty: I want to clear up a misconception about the Wha-Cha-Ma-Carcass Sandwich. I used non-diseased meat from diseased animals! Everyone does it!

Barney: Now as the Road Runner said to the coyote. (jumps in the air mimicking the Road Runner) Beep Beep! (runs off)

On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister[edit]

Sprawl Mart Boss: You're on fire, not like that useless old man.
Homer: Hey, that useless old man happens to be my father! Please continue.

Sprawl Mart Boss: If you don't work all night then we're deport you back to Mexico.
Homer: But I'm an American citizen.
Sprawl Mart Boss: Oh, really, Senor Homer? (Holds a forged ID card claiming Homer is Mexican)
Homer: Dios mio.

Goo Goo Gai Pan[edit]

Homer: [visiting the corpse of Mao Zedong] Aww... Look at him sleeping... He's like a little angel, that killed 50 million people. [to Mao] Yes you are! Yes you are!

Chinese "Bart": (the real Bart is absent) Feast on my shorts, you stupid American father!

Madam Wu: [after discovering Selma's scam] Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Wu!

Madam Wu: You may keep your baby, but you! Drop the panda!
[Homer is seen trying to smuggle a panda cub into his luggage]
Homer: But he loves me! [the panda bites Homer] OW! Why you little...! I'll endanger you! [strangles the panda]

Mobile Homer[edit]

Marge: I just think we should be building a nest egg.
Homer: Way ahead of you, Marge. I just ordered a series of tapes on saving money. They should get here soon. I paid a bundle for overnight delivery.
Marge: I have a book from the library with the same information!
Homer: Okay, I'll just hire a haulage firm to haul them away... at my expense! [he picks up the phone and dials 4-1-1] Directory assistance?
Marge: No more directory assistance! It's not free.
Homer: Well, I'll get a lawyer on that. No, a whole team of lawyers, who will dine on mustard flown in from the Orient.
Marge: No more Oriental mustard!

Marge: Last year you spent $5,000 on doughnuts, $2,000 on scalp massages, $500 on body glitter...
Homer: Hey, I earn that money. While you lounge around here doing laundry and putting up drywall, I'm at work busting my hump.
Marge: Oh, please. From what I hear, you waltz in there at 10:30, take a nap on the toilet, then sit around "Googling" your own name until lunch.
Homer [gasps]: Who told you that?
Marge: You shouted it while we were making love!

Chief Wiggum: Would you look at those Simpson kids! Last year it was razor scooters, this year they're driving RVs. When I was a kid, my mom would give me an empty egg carton and I'd pretend it was a spaceship to the moon. You'll never guess what I used for astronauts!
Lou: Uh... I'm gonna say eggs.
Chief Wiggum: Shut up!

Homer: Bring back our kids you Cyprus splitting jerks!
Turkish Captain: Just for that, we keep your children!
Homer: Will you raise them christian?
Turkish Captain: Coptic Christian.
Homer: No!

The Seven-Beer Snitch[edit]

Burns: ...this prison will make Abu Ghraib look like the Four Seasons! Smithers, we'll need electrical wire, a hood, and someone who can really point at genitalia.

Homer: (after learning that he failed the guard test) But he misread my pee!! He misread my pee!!!

Future-Drama[edit]

[Bart and Homer are flying around in an imperfect hovercar.]
Bart: Why'd you buy the first hovercar ever made? Didn't you know it'd take a while to work out the kinks?
Homer: I know! It's a hovercar!

Lisa: You love Moleman! You're gay for Moleman!
Bart: No, you're gay for Moleman.
Moleman: [morosely] No one's gay for Moleman.

Don't Fear the Roofer[edit]

Bart: Dad, remember how you said if I used a chainsaw unsupervised I'd hurt myself? Well, you were wrong. I hurt someone else.

Marge: We're going to take the dog to the V-E-T.
Santa's Little Helper: Huh?
Marge: Then take Bart to get C-I-R-C-U-M-C-I-S-E-D.
Bart: Huh?
Marge: I'll tell you what it means when it's over, honey.

Ray: Look at the size of that nacho plate. I haven't seen this much melted cheese since I left my Billy Joel albums out in the sun.
Homer: Ha ha ha ha ha, the sun.
Ray: Hey you want to split this?
Homer: Wow. It's been so long since I've been with someone who doesn't know what a selfish pig I am.

The Heartbroke Kid[edit]

Bart: I've learned that even made-up corporate mascots can lie to you.
Homer: Did you hear that Foxie, the Fox network fox?

Spangler: Mr. Simpson, you're suffering from PSI. Poor self esteem. That's not I! (yelling) Every sign is wrong!

A Star is Torn[edit]

Krusty: Hey-hey, kids! Do you have what it takes to be a singing sensation? A dynamite voice? Ruthless, pushy parents? A void in your self-esteem that can only be filled by applause? Oh, God, I know that void. Then you were born to enter Krusty's Li'l Starmaker singing competition!
Disclaimer voice: Not affiliated with American Idol. We've never even heard of American Idol.
Krusty: The winner will be animated into an Itchy & Scratchy cartoon! So enter today, especially if you're a funny-looking kid who doesn't know he sucks!
Milhouse:(starts dialing the number) I'm coming Krusty!

Ralph Wiggum: A B C D E F G. [long pause] How I wonder what you are.

Homer: (about Cameron as he walks onstage in a flashy costume and shades) He's about to learn one of the most important lessons in the music business: don't trust people in the music business.
Cameron: (singing) I'm a privileged boy, it's great, I gotta tell ya. Privileged boy, my dad could buy and sell ya. It really doesn't matter that you're on the list in front of me. I'm gonna get your table 'cause I always tip the maitre d'. And then I'll go to Yale, (shows a diploma) because I am a legacy! (down on one knee and pointing at the crowd) I'm better than you!
Crowd: BOOOO!!
Carl: You SUCK, Johnny Rainbow!
Lenny: (as he tears up a picture of "Johnny Rainbow") I believed in you!

Thank God It's Doomsday[edit]

Lisa: Why didn't we listen to dad?!
Marge: The Worst part is i'll never see my Homie again!
Satan: That's the Worst part? Then i'm not doing my job!



Homer: Lord, you got a first-class destination resort here, really top notch, but I can't enjoy myself knowing my family is suffering.
God: Oh don't you talk about family suffering with me! My son went to Earth once. I don't know what you people did to him, but he hasn't been the same ever since. [shows Jesus sitting on a swing looking down and spinning slowly]
Homer: He'll be fine.

Homer: (To God) You have just made a powerful enemy!

Home Away From Homer[edit]

Homer: What's this? [reads the note] "Goodbye Springfield...."
Ned: [in voiceover] "The Flanders family has pulled up stakes. You have laughed at us for the Last-Diddly-Ast time!"
Homer: Last-Diddly-Ast? [sobbing] He's gone! And it's all someone's fault! [sobs and eats cookies]

Homer: What are you kids laughing at? And if you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying!

The Father, The Son, and The Holy Guest Star[edit]

[Flashback]
Sean: Then one day, after a drunken brawl with my da...[flashback to Sean and his father fighting]
Sean's father: Yer just like yer mother; can't take a punch!
Sean: Then, as I was picking up my teeth, St. Peter appeared to me. He said, "Sean, ya wanker. Repent of your wicked ways or sod off!" Then he gobbed in my face and turned back into a lightpost.

Sean: We're about to play Bingo.
Homer: Bingo? Hey that's my favorite game. I just can't remember what you yell when you win.
Sean: Bingo.
Homer: Bingo? Hey that's my favorite game. I just can't remember what you yell when you win.
Sean: (sighs) Why don't you just yell, "Yea! I win!"?
Homer: (points) Bingo!

Homer: Face it, Marge, Catholics rule! We've got Boston, South America, the good part of Ireland, and we're making serious in-roads in Mozambique, baby!

Bart Soldier: We believe that God's last prophet, Bart Simpson, preached a message of tolerance and love.
Bartman Soldier: We believe the holy Bartman preached a message of understanding and peace, before he was betrayed by his follower, Milhouse! And pulled apart by snow-mobiles, until he died.
Bart Soldiers: EAT BART'S SHORTS!!!!
Bartman Soldiers: COWABUNGA!!!!
[War rages]