The Simpsons/Season 16
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The Simpsons Season 16
[edit] Treehouse of Horror XV [16.01]
- Bart (being burned on a frying pan by Kang and Kodos): "Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain?"
- Homer (being chopped on a frozen dish): "You're the only one who won't shut up about it!"
- Ned has shot Homer, who wobbles back and forth and finally falls next to the core destruct button.
- Ned:sighs in relief.
- Homer's tongue flops on to the button and presses it.
- Ned: Oh, YOU STUPID SON-OF-A...!
- Springfield blows up.
[edit] All's Fair in Oven War [16.02]
- Bart: [reading] Canned and frozen juices are more popular than ever these days, but most bachelors we know would prefer to squeeze their own tomatoes.
- Homer: Okay, why do you think your mother and I sleep in the same bed?
- Bart: Because we're poor?
- Homer: Exactly, and we're poor because we have kids. And the biological method by which children are created by a man and a woman is...
- [cut to outside of the treehouse; Bart can be heard screaming, and runs to Milhouse's house]
- Bart: And then the man.
- [Bart and Milhouse can be heard screaming; they run to other children's houses]
- Both: And then the woman.
- [Bart and Milhouse can be heard screaming, and run to two more houses, screaming and many kids run to many houses]
- Homer: Well, better they hear it from me, now, than from their parents when they're old enough.
[edit] Sleeping With the Enemy [16.03]
- (Homer making a sketch of himself for Lisa, in explaining "the Simpson butt")
- Homer: Every Simpson starts with a circle. Daddy has one big circle here...(belly)...then a smaller one up here...(chest)...two big, sexy circles for eyes, one macho muzzle...then a snappy new outfit. Ooh, I'm looking good. [draws pants] Ooh, cuffs, yeah. And for some reason, my hair and ear form an "M" and a "G". [finishes sketch]
- Bart: (when he sees Nelson helping Marge out with the garden) My mother... My bully... My God!!!
[edit] She Used to Be My Girl [16.04]
- Marge: You know Chloe some of us stayed in this town and made it a better place.
- Homer: Oh come on Marge, the only reason we don't move out of this dung hill is because of my court ordered ankle bracelet. (Reveals a beeping bracelet on his right ankle) I'm here! I'm here! Quit bugging me.
- Marge: Why do you always have to show that to company?
- Homer: It's a conversation starter. (short pause)
- Marge: (moans)
- Marge: I would've followed Chloe, but my plans changed when God brought me a wonderful little boy. Bart stop that!
- (Shows Bart cutting the TV with a saw)
- Bart: This isn't what it looks like. (continues sawing)
[edit] Fat Man and Little Boy [16.05]
- (Bart has written "Adults suck, then you are one" on his T-shirt)
- Marge: Bart! Someone wrote something cynical on your shirt. Let me wash it off.
- Bart: Leave me alone. This expresses my rage at the machine.
- Marge: Well I like t-shirts with a nice joke, like "Support our troops".
- Homer: Bart's shirt is a classic, Marge, just like "Keep on truckin" - as if I would ever want to stop truckin'.
- Homer: Maybe the internet can help me out. It sure gave some good advice on wang enhancement. Okay, www.nuclearsecrets.com. "Are you a terrorist?" No. "Would you like to meet someone new, but are tired of the bar scene?" No! I will never tire of the bar scene!
- (Homer has created a working nuclear reactor)
- Lisa: Mom, Dad created a device that could be dangerous in the wrong hands. And HE'S holding it!
[edit] Midnight Rx [16.06]
(During the couch gag: the music is absent as the Simpsons sit on the couch as normal. Nothing happens. Lisa then looks at the camera)
- Lisa: What? Can't we sit on the couch without something happening?
- (Just then, a spear comes hurtling at Homer and impales him in the chest. The family stares in shock)
- Homer: D'OH!
[Homer and Grampa arrive at the border. Homer is dressed in Mexican clothing, including a sombrero]
- Homer: [To border patrol] Hola senor! We are gringo and wish to spend mucho dinero in your country.
- Border Patrol: Splendid! Welcome to Canada!
- Homer: D'OH!
- Mr. Burns: Fear not Smithers! I'll move heaven and earth to save you! It's still easier then teaching a new assistant my filing system.
- Apu: [While they ride to Canada] Homer! Please tell Mr. Ned to stop trying to convert me!
- Ned Flanders: I was just saying how brave he is to worship a false god!
- Apu: I do not worship one god, okay? I worship a whole super team of deities that-[Flanders pinches] Ow! Okay, he just pinched me!
- Ned Flanders: Where's your super team, now?
- Homer: Listen, you two! I'll you both who the real God is, if you're both quiet for the rest of the trip! [Ned and Apu protest] Okay, I'm coming back there! [Leaves driver's wheel to go to the back seat. The van swerves uncontrollably through traffic]
- [After Homer and Grampa are arrested for smuggling in Canada]
- Canadian Official 1: We have confiscated your car and contents
- Canadian Offical 2: Repeats sentence in French
- Canadian Offical 1: You may leave Canada, but never return
- Candian Offical 2: Repeats sentence in French
- Canadian Offical 1: I am a big fat French idiot
- Candian Official 2: Je suis un grand gros...hey!
[edit] Mommie Beerest [16.07]
- Homer's Business Card: (Gives to Marge in case she wanted to cheat on Moe)
Homer Simpson Plus Size Butt Model
- Homer: Marge, you can't go with me to Moe's. I mean, how would you like it if I came with you to your mother's?
- Marge: I would like it. You never come with me to my mother's.
- Homer: That's because I hate her.
[edit] Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass [16.08]
- Crazy Cat Lady: Ugh, this whole place is disgusting!
- Marge: I agree. [turns around] Hey, aren't you that crazy cat lady!?
- Crazy Cat Lady: Yes I am, but thanks to this psycho-active medication, I enjoy brief moments of lucidity!
- Marge: Those are just Reese's Pieces!
[Crazy Cat Lady abruptly resumes her normal behaviour, screaming gibberish and hurling cats]
- Homer: The Internet wasn't created for mockery. It was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets. It was.
- Homer: I'm the worst thing to happen to sports since Fox.
- Comic Book Guy: "My name is Jeff Albertson, but everybody calls me 'Comic Book Guy'."
- Ned Flanders: "Well I'll just call you friend!"
[edit] Pranksta Rap [16.09]
- Bart: (gulps) Time to face my punishment like a man, or find my way out of it like a kid!
- Wiggum: Lou, you're promoted to chief of police.
- Lou: Sweet.
- Wiggum: And Eddie, you're promoted to Lou.
- Eddie: Nice. And, uh, who's gonna be Eddie?
- Wiggum: We don't need an Eddie.
[edit] There's Something About Marrying [16.10]
- Bart: Is this one of those reality deals where a guy gets a million bucks for marrying Aunt Patty but they have to honeymoon in a box full of snakes?
- Homer: Son, that's the stupidest idea I ever heard... and I know exactly who would pay top dollar for it! (picks up phone and dials)
- Phone: You've reached FOX. If you're pitching a show where gold-digging skanks get what's coming to them, press 1. If you're pitching a rip-off of another network's reality show, press 2. Please stay on the line - your half-baked ideas are all we've got.
- Krusty: I want to clear up a misconception about the Wha-Cha-Ma-Carcass Sandwich. I used non-diseased meat from diseased animals! Everyone does it!
[edit] On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister [16.11]
- Sprawl Mart Boss: You're on fire, not like that useless old man.
- Homer: Hey, that useless old man happens to be my father! Please continue.
- Sprawl Mart Boss: If you don't work all night then we're deport you back to Mexico.
- Homer: But I'm an American citizen.
- Sprawl Mart Boss: Oh, really, Senor Homer? (Holds a forged ID card claiming Homer is Mexican)
- Homer: Dios mio.
[edit] Goo Goo Gai Pan [16.12]
- Chinese Bart: (the real Bart was kidnapped) Feast on my shorts, you stupid American father!
- Madam Wu: Very well, you may keep the child. But, you! Put that panda down!
- Homer: But it loves me. [The baby panda bites him.] Why you little-- [Homer starts strangling the baby panda.] I'll endanger you!
- [The mother panda comes and strangles Homer while Homer strangles the baby panda.]
[edit] Mobile Homer [16.13]
- Marge: I just think we should be building a nest egg.
- Homer: Way ahead of you, Marge. I just ordered a series of tapes on saving money. They should get here soon. I paid a bundle for overnight delivery.
- Marge: I have a book from the library with the same information!
- Homer: Okay, I'll just hire a haulage firm to haul them away... at my expense! [he picks up the phone and dials 4-1-1] Directory assistance?
- Marge: No more directory assistance! It's not free.
- Homer: Well, I'll get a lawyer on that. No, a whole team of lawyers, who will dine on mustard flown in from the Orient.
- Marge: No more Oriental mustard!
- Marge: Last year you spent $5,000 on doughnuts, $2,000 on scalp massages, $500 on body glitter...
- Homer: Hey, I earn that money. While you lounge around here doing laundry and putting up drywall, I'm at work busting my hump.
- Marge: Oh, please. From what I hear, you waltz in there at 10:30, take a nap on the toilet, then sit around "Googling" your own name until lunch.
- Homer [gasps]: Who told you that?
- Marge: You shouted it while we were making love!
- Homer: Bring back our kids you Cyprus splitting jerks!
- Turkish Captain: Just for that, we keep your children!
- Homer: Will you raise them christian?
- Turkish Captain: Coptic Christian.
- Homer: No!
[edit] The Seven-Beer Snitch [16.14]
- Burns: ...this prison will make Abu Ghraib look like the Four Seasons! Smithers, we'll need electrical wire, a hood, and someone who can really point at genitalia.
- Homer: (after learning that he failed the guard test) But he misread my pee!! He misread my pee!!!
[edit] Future-Drama [16.15]
- [Bart and Homer are flying around in an imperfect hovercar.]
- Bart: Why'd you buy the first hovercar ever made? Didn't you know it'd take a while to work out the kinks?
- Homer: I know! It's a hovercar!
- Lisa: You love Moleman! You're gay for Moleman!
- Bart: No, you're gay for Moleman.
- Moleman: [morosely] No one's gay for Moleman.
[edit] Don't Fear the Roofer [16.16]
- Bart: Dad, remember how you said if I used a chainsaw unsupervised I'd hurt myself? Well, you were wrong. I hurt someone else.
- Marge: We're going to take the dog to the V-E-T.
- Santa's Little Helper: Huh?
- Marge: Then take Bart to get C-I-R-C-U-M-C-I-S-E-D.
- Bart: Huh?
- Marge: I'll tell you what it means when it's over, honey.
[edit] The Heartbroke Kid [16.17]
- Bart: I've learned that even made-up corporate mascots can lie to you.
- Homer: Did you hear that Foxie, the Fox Network fox?
- Spangler: Mr. Simpson, you're suffering from PSI. Poor self esteem. That's not I! (yelling) Every sign is wrong!
[edit] A Star is Torn [16.18]
- Krusty: Hey-hey, kids! Do you have what it takes to be a singing sensation? A dynamite voice? Ruthless, pushy parents? A void in your self-esteem that can only be filled by applause? Oh, God, I know that void. Then you were born to enter Krusty's Li'l Starmaker singing competition!
- Disclaimer voice: Not affiliated with American Idol. We've never even heard of American Idol.
- Krusty: The winner will be animated into an Itchy & Scratchy cartoon! So enter today, especially if you're a funny-looking kid who doesn't know he sucks!
- Millhouse:(starts dialing the number) I'm coming Krusty!
- Ralph Wiggum: A B C D E F G. [long pause] How I wonder what you are.
[edit] Thank God It's Doomsday [16.19]
- Homer: Lord, you got a first-class destination resort here, really top notch, but I can't enjoy myself knowing my family is suffering.
- God: Oh don't you talk about family suffering with me! My son went to Earth once. I don't know what you people did to him, but he hasn't been the same ever since. [shows Jesus sitting on a swing looking down and spinning really slow]
- Homer: He'll be fine.
- Homer: (To God) You have just made a powerful enemy!
[edit] Home Away From Homer [16.20]
- Homer: What's this? [reads the note] "Goodbye Springfield...."
- Ned: [in voiceover] "The Flanders family has pulled up stakes. You have laughed at us for the Last-Diddly-Ast time!"
- Homer: Last-Diddly-Ast? [sobbing] He's gone! And it's all someone's fault! [sobs and eats cookies]
- Homer: What are you kids laughing at? And if you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying!
[edit] The Father, The Son, and The Holy Guest Star [16.21]
- Sean: We're about to play Bingo.
- Homer: Bingo? Hey that's my favorite game. I just can't remember what you yell when you win.
- Sean: Bingo.
- Homer: Bingo? Hey that's my favorite game. I just can't remember what you yell when you win.
- Sean: (sighs) Why don't you just yell, "Yea! I win!"?
- Homer: (points) Bingo!
- Bart Soldier: We believe that God's last prophet, Bart Simpson preached a message of tolerance, and love.
- Bartman Soldier: We believe the holy Bartman preached a message of understanding and peace, before he was betrayed by his follower, Milhouse! And pulled apart by snow-mobiles, until he died.
- Bart Soldiers: EAT BART'S SHORTS!!!!
- Bartman Soldiers: COWABUNGA!!!!
- [War rages]
