The Simpsons/Season 18

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The Simpsons season 18.

The Mook, The Chef, The Wife And Her Homer[edit]

[a large black SUV pulls up outside the school, Fat Tony opens the door]
Fat Tony: (in a murderous voice) We are going for a ride...
[the children gasp]
... (normally) by which I mean the car pool, perhaps we will get yogurt....
[the children sigh with relief]
...(back to murderous) Now, who wants to sleep with the fishes?...
[the children gasp again]
...(back to normal) 'cause I just bought this Finding Nemo bedspread!
[the children sigh with relief again]

[in Fat Tony's home]
Fat Tony: Welcome to my home.
Marge: [gasps] Must have cost a fortune!
Fat Tony: Actually, you can really keep costs down when you don't pay for materials, or labor, or permits or... land.
Homer: Wow, your paintings have brush marks. And your statues have wieners.
Fat Tony: Your words honor my family.

Krusty: Ow, my schnoz! My punim! My pupik! My genechtagazoink!

[Nelson finds out Michael's dad is Fat Tony.]

Nelson: Your dad's a mob boss? [Laughs nervously] Please don't have me whacked! I was just kiddin' around! We were all havin' fun. Wasn't it fun? [Laughs nervously] Oh, fun is so fun. [Laughs nervously] There is no Mafia! [pulls his own shirt over his face.] Columbus Day is better than Christmas!

Jazzy and the Pussycats[edit]

Homer: Boy, get dressed! You’re going to a jazz brunch as punishment for all the racket you’re making.
Bart: I thought you wanted me to drum?
Homer: Hmph. I'm sending you mixed messages. Now get the hell out of here! (slams door, then opens it again) I love you so much. (Hostile) Damn you! (Shakes fist)

Krusty: Hey hey! We got more jazz superstars on the way, folks! Gooey Martin, Willie Mims, Dropjaws Turner, Sketch Friendly, Tootsie Childs, Sammy Biltmore, No-Talent Jones, Anwar Bernitez, Bossy Marmalade, Bad-Check Mazursky, Ray-Ray Takamura, Shakey Premise, Boopsie Crouton, Richard Sakai, The Premarital Sextet, C.S.I. Miami, D.W. Jitters, The Chubb Group, Canteloupe St. Pierre and many many more funny names.

Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'Em...[edit]

Marge: Well, if you're through, let's check out that discount book warehouse.
Homer: But we already own a book!

Homer: This doesn't look easy. But I bet it is!

Principal Skinner: Simpson, you've been waving your nuts in my face for too long...

Treehouse of Horror XVII[edit]

Carl: I don't get it. What's so "great" about this depression?
Lenny: I like how everything's in sepia tone. Makes me all nostalgic.
Abe: I didn't think it would come to this when I fought in the First World War.
Lenny: "First World War"? Why do you keep calling it that?
Abe: Oh, you'll see!

[Homer eats two German guys at an Oktoberfest]
German Guy: What did we Germans do to deserve this?
[Other German stares at him]
German Guy: Oh, yeah.

G.I. (Annoyed Grunt)[edit]

Recruiter: How many of you like video games? (the kids cheer) Well, what if there was a violent video game that you could play for free, plus it's real and not a game at all?

Homer: By the time Bart is 18, we’re gonna control the world. [pause] We’re China, right?

Homer: Won't joining the army take me away from my family for two years?
Recruiter: A large target like you will be home a lot sooner than that.

Moe'N'a Lisa[edit]

Marge: (Reads the first line of Moe′s letter to Homer) "Dear Pusbag".
Homer: Whoa, Marge. Who'd you piss off?
Moe: (yells) It's for you, pusbag!

Jameson: (Reads Moe′s poem, then hands it to an assistant) Run it on the front page and pay him nothing. (Picks up the phone) Stop the presses and send my wife some flowers and bring me an anvil! What do you mean you don't work for me, you're hired! Now that you're hired you're fired! Now that you don't work here we can be friends. Now that we're friends how come you never call, some friend you are! (Hangs up) Heh, I love this business!

Jameson: That’s sweet — I hate sweet! I need photos, photos of Spider-Man!
Employee: This is a poetry journal.
Jameson: Okay, then poems about Spider-Man, and I want them finished before you start, and before you finish get me some coffee. And the poems should have the following rhyme scheme, ABBAABBACDECDE. What are you waiting for, Chinese New Year?

Ice Cream of Margie (With the Light Blue Hair)[edit]

(200 years later, Marge's giant Homer sculpture is on show in a museum)
Spacewoman: This is the last known piece of art before the collapse of Western civilization.
Spaceman: If only we'd known that iPods would unite to enslave the people they entertained.
(Outside the dome, giant iPods are whipping a group of humans.)
Slave: What do you want?!
iPod: Nothing, we just like whipping!

Homer: Well, excuse me for having enormous flaws that I don't work on!

The Haw-Hawed Couple[edit]

Homer: (thinking) I can't let Lisa find out. Time to do what I do best! Lie to a child!

Milhouse: Trust me Bart, it's better to walk in on both your parents instead of just one of them.

Kill Gil: Vols. 1 & 2[edit]

Marge: It's true. I do have trouble saying no. It all started when I was 7.
(Cuts to flashback)
Selma: Marjorie. We need you to hide our cigarettes in your dollhouse.
Marge: No! (Patty and Selma shove her into her dollhouse) Mom? Grandma? Aunt Laurina? Anybody? (Trips on a toy car)
(Cuts out of flashback)
Marge: And that's why I have trouble saying no to people. Even Gil.
Homer: Marge, I have no idea what you were just thinking about. Why would you think I did?

Homer: (holding the blade of the grumple's skate to his neck) Give back that Holiday cheer, you bastard!
Grumple: Never!

The Wife Aquatic[edit]

(While watching outdoor silent movie Ned Flanders chose.)
Kearney: This movie isn't silent, I can hear it sucking!
Jimbo: And all the snacks we bought are "heart-smart".
Dolph (referring to snack): What the hell is a radish anyway? It's like an apple did it with an onion.

Homer: We left plenty of food so you won't starve.
Grampa: Oh, thank you.
Homer: I was talking to the cat.

Marge: Oh no, someone carved swastikas into your eyes!
Homer: I'm sure it was just some guy, who was filled with hate.

Revenge is a Dish Best Served Three Times[edit]

Marge: Homer no! Revenge never solves anything!
Homer: Then what is America doing in Iraq?!

Judge: I sentence you to life.
Homer: You moron, I'm already alive!
Judge: In prison! (hammers podium)
Homer: AAAAH!!!

Martin: Hello dinguses! What are you doing, touching each others butts?
Dolph: You're so dead you're alive!

Lisa: [congratulating Milhouse on finding a way to take revenge on the school bullies] Because of you, all the nerds of the world can breathe easy. Except for the ones with asthma, which is all of them.

Little Big Girl[edit]

Grampa Simpson: Yep, the Simpsons have never married or even shook hands with anyone interesting. In a world of 31 flavors, we’re the cup of water they rinse the scoops in. Grampa out.

Bart: Utah? Home of America's most powerful weirdoes!

Utah Minister: So, how many wives will you be marrying today, Mr Simpson?
Bart: Just one
Utah Minister:What, are you gay?

Homer: Bart, take these volleyballs, fill them up, and throw them over the prison wall to create chaos and confusion.

Darcy [to Bart]: You look kind of young.
Bart: Uh, yeah, I have that disease that makes you look like an old man, but they gave me medicine for it and I took too much.

Darcy: I'm very religious that way.
Bart: How religious can you be if you're pregnant? (Darcy slaps Bart) Good answer.

[When Darcy screams at Bart to get her strawberries]
Bart: Take my wife, please... hey, I finally get that joke!

Homer: (calling Bart) Bart! This is a matter of life and death! What is the difference between "ketchup" and "catsup"? (Bart throws the cell phone away.) They're gonna cut my head off!

Lisa [to Bart while he's driving]: Slow down! Watch out for that car. Your hands should be at 10:00 and 2:00, not 3:00 and nothing!
Bart: You know, it'd be a real shame if someone started investigating your Indian heritage!
Lisa: [meekly] I'll be good.

Darcy [to Bart]: You really are 10. I just thought you were really stupid.
Bart: I'm 10 and stupid! Look if i'm not a father then, who is?

Darcy: A Norwegian exchange student. He's long gone, back to Norwegia. I wanted you to marry me so my baby would have a dad.


Springfield Up[edit]

Krusty: Homer gave me a kidney once. It wasn't his, I didn't need it, and it came with postage due, but it was a lovely gesture.

Yokel Chords[edit]

Skinner: You're not getting away with this, young man! You're going to the school psychologist!
Psychologist: [running out of the school] Dark Stanley's going to eat my brains!!!
Chalmers: Or, preferably, a qualified professional.

[at Bart's last counseling session with school-paid psychologist Stacey Swanson]
Bart: ...And then I had this dream that my whole family was just cartoon characters, and that our success had led to some crazy propaganda network called "Fox News".

Rome-old and Juli-eh[edit]

Homer: I have to warn you, I'm not good with details. Or the big picture. I also show up late. And drunk. [whispers enthusiastically] I have a good feeling about this!

Selma: Sorry I had to work so late. How did it go with the baby?
Grandpa: We're having a great time. I cleaned up all my best war stories for her. I was just telling her how we chased the teddy bears into their cuddle bunkers, [in a creepy voice] then had to tickle them out with machine hugs and fun throwers! [sinister zoom-in] They say the more soldiers you tickle, the easier it gets. Well, sir, it doesn't.

[Bart and Lisa swindled a box company into giving them a large amount of boxes that were made into a fort]

Sarcastic Man: Hey, you little brats. Get down from those battlements. Those boxes are for shipping. Not for creating a world of pure imagination. Give them back!
Bart: Not until we are bored with them. Now begone!
Sarcastic Man: (Voice becomes deeper) I shall go. But I will return with an army of my brethren. And together, we shall take back what is ours and hell will rain down upon you!
Lisa: What if we're not here?
Sarcastic Man: We will come two more times. And then you will have to come to our customer's center. (Normal Voice) It's near the airport, where the old Crown Books used to be.

Homerazzi[edit]

Editor: (looking through Homer's photos) Terrific! Outstanding! This has Page One written all over it! What the hell did you do that for?
(he holds up a photograph with "Page One" written all over it in ink)
Homer: I wanted to remember my place in the book I was reading.

Marge: (after fire caused by birthday candle) This disasterette was a real wake up call, we need to find a way to protect our irreplaceables.
Firefighter: You could buy a fire-proof safe.
Homer: Or we could just resolve to be more careful with our open flames.
Firefighter: Sir we've been here six times this month.
Homer: Yeah but, uhm, one of those I dialled 911 by mistake but I was too embarassed to admit it, so I set the house on fire. Feels good to tell the truth... no I'm lying again it feels bad.

Bart: What's that comin' out of the safe?
Homer: I don't know--Maybe the Krusty doll accidentally turned on the car's headlights, which focused on the cologne bottle, causing it to boil and soon explode.
Lisa: Dad, that's ridiculous!

(The safe blows apart from the explosion.)

Krusty Doll: What's the deal with this California pizza? If I wanted cheese and fruit--(As it burns from the flames and begins melting)--I'd...have...to...(Melts into a plastic puddle)
Marge: (Devastated when the family album falls apart into ashes) Nooooooo! It's gone! That family album was a record of my accomplishments! It's like what a resume is for a man.
Lisa: I agree, Mom. It's very sad. But we'll have to move on. It's not like we can restage all our family photos.
Marge: (Becoming delighted upon the idea) Restage the photos!
Bart: Lisa you fool, you've doomed us all!

(Marge quickly puts a baby bonnet on him and snaps a shot with her camera as he cries out before she takes a second shot, which is among the first ones seen in the new family album.)

Bart: Nooooooo!

Marge Gamer[edit]

(Marge is telling her family how she is excited over discovering the Internet)
Lisa: I am proud of you, mom! You are like Christopher Columbus - you discovered something millions of people knew about before you.

Lisa (angrily): You can't give me a yellow card! You're my father!
Homer: When I put on these shorts, I'm not your father anymore, and judging by how tight they are, I'm never going to be anyone else's either.

(Bart is about to revive Marge's character in the online role-playing game)
Bart: Mom, I'm going to give you life the way I imagine you gave me life...by pressing Alt+F5 repeatedly.

The Boys of Bummer[edit]

Abe: You stink, LaBoot!
LaBoot No I don't! Google my stats!
LaBoot Just it for me kid, you'll be just fine.
Lisa: You feel better now, Bart?
LaBoot Bart? Are you Bart Simpson?
LaBoot Talking to you, was the error in my life!
LaBoot BOO! Boo indeed!!!

Homer: This makes up for everything that's ever gone wrong in my life – or ever will!

Chief Wiggum: Jump! Who said that?
Bart: I hate Bart Simpson!
Abe: You stink, LaBoot!
LaBoot: Dammit!

Crook and Ladder[edit]

Homer: Okay, here's the solution. I want you kids to lock the bedroom from the outside so I can't get out and perpetrate my nocturnal mischief.
Bart: Why don't you just stop taking the pills, you hothead?
Homer: Because I'm filled with stress! [smacks Bart on the back of his head and moans] I've got three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?!

Homer: [monotonous] Zombie kill!
Bart: Not kill, play!
Homer: [sullen] Zombie file grievance.



Kent Brockman: While our brave firemen recuperate, Springfield is a town without a fire department -- which is bad news for people like this man. [camera pans out to show man trapped in a burning house] Sir! How does it feel knowing that no one is coming to save you?
Man: Not as bad as knowing that somewhere gays are marrying each other! That's the real emergency, Kent.

Apu: Apu is dead! He has been reincarnated as this cat.
[Homer and Moe gasp]
Apu: Ha! You have just been Apu'd!

Stop, or My Dog Will Shoot![edit]

Homer: How come things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?!

Lisa: Dad, why don't you throw me in the air and I can see which way is out? [he does] Corn. [again] More corn. [again] Another kid getting thrown in the air. [again] Witches' coven. [again] Seattle Space Needle. [again] Amateur production of You Can't Take It With You. [again] Oh, I'm getting dizzy. [again] And corn again.

24 Minutes[edit]

[Homer and Milhouse are riding a dumpster down the street]
Homer: [gasp] It's the cops, act normal! [places a banana peel on his head; woman's voice impersonation] Oooh, hello officer!
Wiggum: Ahh, good afternoon ma'am. [sigh] What is it about a woman in a dumpster?

Jack Bauer: Good work Lisa!
Bart: What about me?!
Jack Bauer: [cocks pistol and aims at Bart's head] Bart Simpson, 12 minutes ago you made a very annoying prank phone call to me. All units move in! [Vehicles and soldiers move into the room from everywhere with guns aimed at Bart.] I pulled every single agent off of all other cases to track you down and bring you to justice. It was a tough decision but I think I made the right call. [nuke goes off in the distance; crowd gasps and murmurs] Oh, it's okay. That was Shelbyville. [crowd sighs with relief]

You Kent Always Say What You Want[edit]

Marge: Oh hi kids, you're just in time to go to the dentist!
Bart: DENTIST?! You said we were going to ride dirt bikes around the cemetery!
Lisa: Oh, Bart, you fall for that every six months.
Homer: [Pulls up on a dirt bike] Hey, suckers, check it out -- Marge is taking me to ride dirt bikes at the cemetery!
Lisa: You're going to the dentist too, Dad.
Homer: [disappointed] Why the cemetery, I wondered? But my dreams were too strong...

Dental Hygienist: Here's a free tooth-brush! Keep those teeth clean! [handing Bart a bag]
Bart: So you're saying I should do your job, for you, at home, for free? You wish! [Throws the bag in the trash can]

Homer: What the hell is a Fundae?
Cashier: It's a Sundae that's fun!
Homer: [Yelling] I like that! [Talking normally] But I'm on a bit of a health kick so I'll take the low fat vanilla, with the following mix-ins; Snickles, Gooey Bears, Charlotte-ville chew, Nice and Many, Kat-Kit, Herschel Smooches, Mrs. Bad-Bar and Milk-Dudes.

Fox News reporter: This is Fox News, with the latest Liberal Outrage. It seems liberals want to give NASA the right to abort space missions whenever they feel like it!
Homer: Liberals, I hate them so much!