The Simpsons/Season 3

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The Simpsons Season 3

Stark Raving Dad[edit]

Homer: Lisa, you like homework. Could you fill out this form for me?
Lisa: Well, all right. If you'll listen to the poem I just wrote.
Homer: D'oh!!... Oh, okay.
Lisa: "Meditations on Turning Eight", by Lisa Simpson. [reads] "I had a cat named Snowball. / She died, she died! / Mom said she was sleeping. / She lied, she lied! / Why oh why is my cat dead? / Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead? / I had a hamster named Snuffy. / He died--"
Homer: [takes his form] No deal!

Doctor: Well, Mr. Simpson, after talking with your wife, we can see that you are not insane.
Homer: Wow, that's the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me. Could I have that in writing?

Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington[edit]

Homer: Who would've guessed reading and writing would pay off?

Faith Crowley: And here are your V.I.P. badges. These will get into place regular tourists never get to see!
Homer: Oh, miss! What does the "I" stand for?
Crowley: Um..."Important."
Homer: Oh, okay. What about the "V"?
Crowley: "Very."
Homer: Miss, just one more qu...
Crowley: "Person."
Homer: Uh-huh. [pause] What does the "I" stand for again?

When Flanders Failed[edit]

Homer: [on the phone] Hello, Jerry? Homer Simpson. Remember last month when I paid back that loan? Well now I need YOU to do a favor for ME.

Mr. Burns: [using a left-handed can opener] The worm has turned, has it not, my tin-plated friend? Look at you! You were once so proud. Now feel the wrath of the left hand of Burns!

Bart the Murderer[edit]

Tony: Pick a horse, kid. Shelbyville Downs, third race. Make it a good one.
Bart: Eat my shorts!
Tony: Eat My Shorts? Ah, okay... [consults the racing form] Let's see... Wait a minute, you little punk! Eat My Shorts is in the fifth race! I said the third race!
Bart: Don't have a cow!
Tony: [to a fellow crony] Don't Have a Cow in the third, put a deuce on him.

[The Simpson family are watching a TV show.]
Announcer: Blood on the Blackboard: the Bart Simpson Story: Starring Richard Chamberlain as Principal Skinner, Joe Mantegna as Fat Tony, Jane Seymour as the woman he loved and TV's Doogie Howser, Neil Patrick Harris as Bart Simpson.
Tony: Bart, I'm scared. Let's get out of here.
Bart: Shut up! Where do you want it, Skinner? [Skinner spits on Bart's cheek.] Not smart.
[shoots Principal Skinner. Meanwhile, at the Simpsons' household...]
Bart: Cool!
Homer: Hey, when do we get the check for this?
Marge: Well, they said they changed it just enough so they don't have to pay us.
Homer: Oh, you know who the real crooks are? Those sleazy Hollywood producers!
[The executive producer credits are shown over Homer's face.]

Homer Defined[edit]

Kent Brockman: Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.
Mr. Burns: [over the hotline] Oh, meltdown. It's one of these annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.

[At the school cafeteria, Milhouse breaks some bad news to Bart.]
Milhouse: Bart, my mom won't let me be your friend anymore. That's why you couldn't come to the party.
Bart: What's she got against me?
Milhouse: She says you're a bad influence.
Bart: [Slamming his hand on the table] Bad influence, my ass! How many times have I told you? Never listen to your mother!

Like Father, Like Clown[edit]

Krusty: [voice-over] My father was the most respected person in the Lower East Side of Springfield. People would come for miles around to ask his advice.
Young Jewish Man: Rebbe Krustofski, should I finish college?
Rabbi Krustofski: Yes. No one is poor, except he who lacks knowledge.
Jewish Woman: Rabbi, should I have another child?
Rabbi Krustofski: Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house.
Jewish Man: Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?
Rabbi Krustofski: Could you rephrase that as an ethical question?
Jewish Man: Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler?
Rabbi Krustofski: Oh, yes! For great is the car with power steering and dyna-flow suspension.

[Lisa tries one last tack in convincing Rabbi Krustofski to reconcile with Krusty]
Lisa: Here you go, Bart. It's a long shot, but that's all I can do without learning Ancient Hebrew. [Bart looks at Lisa in expectation] Bart! I am not going to learn Ancient Hebrew!

Treehouse of Horror II[edit]

[Mr. Burns transplants Homer's brain into a robot.]
Mr. Burns: Smithers, hand me that ice-cream scoop.
Smithers: Ice-cream scoop?!
Mr. Burns: God dammit, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery! [removes Homer's brain, then puts it atop his own head.] Look at me, I'm Davy Crockett!

[Mr. Burns transplants Homer's brain back into his own head without anaesthesia.]
Homer: Ow. Ow! OW!
Mr. Burns: Quit complaining! This way I don't have to waste money on morphine! Well Smithers, you were right, he was not dead. I guess I owe you a Coke after all. And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophany of colligenous cog and camshifts, take that! [Mr. Burns kicks the robot, which tips and looms over him.]
Smithers: Run, sir!
[The robot lands on Mr. Burns, crushing him save for his head.]
Mr. Burns: Every bone in my body broken... vital organs leaking fluid... slight headache... loss of appetite...Smithers, I'm going to die.
Smithers: No sir! Is there anything I can do?
Mr. Burns: We have one chance. Go to my office. Second drawer...there is some ether...
[Homer awakens, then walks into bathroom to remind himself that it was only a nightmare. When he closes the medicine cabinet, he sees Mr. Burns' head grafted onto him.]
Homer: Aaaaaaaah!
Mr. Burns: Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. Well my body was crushed, so my head was grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame.
Homer: [hyperventilating] I didn't wake up! It's all a dream! It's just a dream!
Mr. Burns: Oh that's right! It's all a dream! Or is it? [laughs evilly]
[Screen fades to black as creepy music plays, then the scene resumes with the normal Simpsons music; looking like a canonical episode.]
Narrator: Next week, on "The Simpsons":
Lisa: Don't forget Dad, tonight my class is having an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.
Homer: Mmm...spaghetti.
Mr. Burns: But Homer, tonight's our meeting for Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands.
Homer: D'oh! I hate having two heads!

Lisa's Pony[edit]

[Lisa calls Homer on the phone.]
Lisa: Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one.
Homer: Uh, isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at?
Lisa: I called her. She's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement.
Homer: Wow, and after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me.

[At the Kwik-E-Mart, Homer quits his job after Lisa gives her pony back.]
Homer: Apu, you can take this job and restaff it!
[Homer carries Lisa with his shoulders out of the store. Apu watches behind.]]
Apu: He slept, he stole, he was rude to the customers... still, he was the best damned employee a convenience store ever had.

Saturdays of Thunder[edit]

Homer: You know, Marge, that Bart is a little miracle – his winning smile, his button nose, his fat little stomach, his face alight with wholesome mischief. He reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.

Homer's Brain: Don't you get it? You've got to use reverse psychology.
Homer: That sounds too complicated.
Homer's Brain: OK, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: All right, I will!

Flaming Moe's[edit]

[Moe has introduced Aerosmith to the crowd]
Steven Tyler: HELLLOOOOOOO, ST LOUIIIIIS!
Joe Perry: Um, that's Springfield, Steven.
Tyler: Oh yeah right. [to crowd] Are you ready to rock?
Crowd: Yeaahhh!
Tyler: I said, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK!!!???
Crowd: YEEEAHHHHH!
Tyler: Hit it! [Band begins playing Walk This Way]

Moe: [lying in bed with female bartender] Now that's what I call a happy hour.
Collette: Oh, Morris, something troubles me...
Moe: Don't worry, baby, my mother won't be home for another twenty minutes –
Collette: No, I was thinking about Homer Simpson.
Moe: That's okay, I was just thinking about Sybil Danning.
Collette: I mean that you should sell your drink, and give half the money to Homer.
Moe: Wha-?!
Collette: [stern] He's your friend, Moe. And you took advantage of him.
Moe: All right, all right, I'll split the money! Jeepers, Mary and Joseph, I sleep with a chick once, and it costs me half a million bananas!

Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk[edit]

Stockbroker: Homer, it's your stockbroker. Your stock in the powerplant just went up for the first time in 10 years.
Homer: I own stock!
Stockbroker: Yes, all the employees got some in exchange for waiving certain constitutional rights.

German Managers: Attention workers, we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order... Simpson, Homer. That is all.

I Married Marge[edit]

[As Marge does some accounting, Homer enters with his latest purchase.]
Homer: Marge, look at this! A baby monitor! [into the monitor] Baby to Marge. Baby to Marge. Waa! Waa! Over.
Marge: Homer, I don't know how we can afford all these things on your salary.
Homer: [looks out the window and sees the Power Plant] Hey, why don't I apply at the Nuclear Power Plant. I hear they pay pretty well!
Marge: I don't know. I heard radiation can make you sterile.
Homer: Pfft. Now you tell me!

[Homer runs into the delivery room after Marge has gone into labor.]
Homer: Marge! Marge, where's the baby?
Patty: [pointing to Marge's belly] Right where you left it!
Homer: Shut up!
Patty: [stands up and stares down Homer] Hey listen, fat boy!
Homer: [furious] NO, YOU LISTEN! This is my wife, and this is my kid, and I'm paying for this delivery, so if you wanna stay, you'd better show me some respect!
Marge: Homer, does this mean... ?
Homer: Starting tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician.
Dr. Hibbert: [horrified] Good God!

Radio Bart[edit]

[Sting leads a song for Timmy O'Toole]
Sting: There's a hole in my heart, as deep as a well,
For that poor little boy who's stuck halfway to Hell...
Sideshow Mel: Though we can't get him out, we'll do the next best thing...
Rainier Wolfcastle: We'll go on TV and sing, sing, sing!
All: And we're sending our love down the well...
Krusty: ALL THE WAY DOWN!!!
All: We're sending our love down the well...
Krusty: DOWN THAT WELL!!!!

[Homer and Marge are on tv being interviewed by Kent Brockman.]
Kent Brockman: So, it seems we've all been victims of a cruel hoax, masterminded by a 10-year old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents.
Homer: It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident!
Marge: HOMER!
Homer: Sorry. Uh... could you edit that last part out?
Brockman: Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast-to-coast.
Homer: D'oh!

Lisa the Greek[edit]

[Homer just won another bet and is getting his latest winnings from Moe.]
Homer: Hi, Moe. A beer... and A LOT OF BILLS!
Moe: [laughs] OK! [under breath] ... ya lucky moron. [takes one of his shoes off, shakes shoe empty, dollar bills come out] Here ya go, Homer. A hundred thirty-five dollars.
Homer: I used to hate the smell of your smelly feet. [takes money, inhales deeply] Now, it's the smell of victory.
Moe: Ah, shut up.

[After Homer explains that he and Lisa can't climb up Mt Springfield.]
Lisa: What about Daddy-Daughter Day?
Homer: Don't worry, the new football season is only seven months away.
Lisa: So that's it. You just wanted me to help you gamble. You never wanted to be with me at all!! [starts crying and goes to room]
Marge: You're a very selfish man.
Bart: [plays with a button that presses "Go to hell" three times.] Once again, great present, Dad!

Homer Alone[edit]

Selma: Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed. Bart, you'll be sleeping with your Aunt Patty.
Bart: ...In your bed?
Patty: Uh-huh. And just a warning: I'm told I snore. [chuckles. Bart and Lisa quickly grab each other's hands.] Oh! Divorce Court is on in five minutes! [sisters leave]
Bart: I'm scared, Lisa.
Lisa: You think you know fear? Well, I've seen them naked!
[Bart screams.]

[Marge, having taken part of all the activities, watches the Rancho Relaxo infomercial on the TV.]
Troy McClure: [standing with a sunset in the background] By now, you've seen all Rancho Relaxo has to offer...
Marge: Uh-huh.
Troy McClure: But remember: we can't tell you how to have a good time. You have to tell us! As I said to Dolores Montenegro in Calling All Quakers: Have it your way, baby! [Exits the picture via a hang glider]
Marge: [picks up phone] Hello, Room Service? I'd like a banana fudge sundae. With whipped cream! And some chocolate chip cheesecake. And a bottle of tequila!

Bart the Lover[edit]

[Bart is reading a postcard Homer sent to Marge once from a brewery]
Homer: [voiceover, drunken voice] Maybe it's the beer talkin', Marge, but you've got a butt that won't quit. They got these big chewy pretzels here... [unintelligible muttering] Five dollars?! Get outta here.
Bart: Wow, a side of Dad I've never seen.

[The Flanders family is sitting at the dinner table.]
Maude: Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?
Todd: Hell, no.
[The rest of the Flanders all gasp.]
Maude: What did you say?
Todd: I said I don't want any damn vegetables.
Ned: Alright, that's it, young man! No Bible stories for you tonight!
[Todd runs upstairs crying.]
Maude: Weren't you a little hard on him?
Ned: Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.

Homer at the Bat[edit]

Steve Sax: [while driving down a street] What a nice little town. Maybe I'll buy a home here when I retire. [Steve hears a police siren and pulls over as Eddie and Lou walk over] What seems to be the problem, officers?
Eddie: Nothing to do with you, smart guy.
Lou: Reach for your license... [cocks guns] ...slowly.
Eddie: Well, well. Steve Sax from New York City.
Lou: I heard some guy got killed in New York and they never solved the case. But you wouldn't know anything about that now, would you, Steve? [They both burst out laughing in front of Steve]
Steve Sax: But there's hundreds of unsolved murders in New York City.
Lou: You don't know when to keep your mouth shut do you, Saxy boy?
[Meanwhile, at the Springfield General Hospital, Mike Scioscia is hospitalized due to acute radiation poisoning; Dr. Hibbert is checking his body with a scanner]
Dr. Hibbert: Uh, Mike, try to lift your arm.
Mike Scioscia: [speaking in a painful and slow rate] Can't lift arm or speak at normal rate.
Dr. Hibbert: I'm afraid you have a case of acute radiation poisoning, Mr. Scioscia.
Mike Scioscia: [still speaking in a painful and slow rate] Will I be able to play softball tomorrow?
Dr. Hibbert: [Chuckling] No. By tomorrow you'll barely be able to breathe.
Mike Scioscia: [still speaking in a painful and slow rate] Oh, man. [He tilts to the left to sleep. A nurse runs up to Dr. Hibbert.]
Nurse: Dr. Hibbert, Ken Griffey Jr. needs to see you immediately. We think it's an overdose of nerve tonic.
[Dr. Hibbert opens the curtains and was shocked]
Dr. Hibbert: Good Lord! [We see Ken Griffey Jr. in a wheelchair because has his body along with his head inflated, due to overdose of nerve tonic] Gigantism!
[At night, José Canseco was walking down the street whistling until he sees a woman standing outside of a burning house]
Woman: My baby! My baby!
José Canseco: [being loyal] Don't worry, ma'am. I'll save your baby. [He runs inside a burning house and rescues the baby unharmed]
Woman: Oh, thank you, Mr. Canseco. [She hears a car meowing] [Gasps] My cat!
José Canseco: [still being loyal] Never fear, ma'am. I'll save your cat. [He runs back inside a burning house and rescues the cat unharmed]
Woman: [Hears someone playing a piano and gasps again] My player piano!
José Canseco: [sighs] Oh, man! [He runs to the house until a door explodes making him stand back.]



Barney Gumble: And I say that England's greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston.
Wade Boggs: Pitt The Elder.
Barney: Lord Palmerston!!
Wade Boggs: [pokes Barney in the chest] Pitt... the... Elder!!!
Barney: OKAY, YOU ASKED FOR IT, BOGGS! [punches Boggs out]
Moe: Yeah, that's showin' him, Barney! [dismissively] Pitt the Elder.
Barney: LORD PALMERSTON!!!!! [punches Moe out]
[Later, Steve Sax is put behind bars in front of Chief Wiggum, Lou and Eddie]
Chief Wiggum: Nice work, boys. I think we can close the book on just about every unsolved crime in our fair city.
Steve Sax: Don't I at least get to call my lawyer?
Lou: You watch too many movies, Sax.
[They leave and slam the door behind them, leaving Steve alone in the prison.]
[In the morning, Ozzie Smith arrives at the Springfield Mystery Spot]
Ozzie Smith: How long does it take to see this thing? I'm in a hurry.
Manager: Well, it's hard to say, my friend. Once you go in, you may never come out.
Ozzie Smith: [amazed] Wow! One, please.
[The Manager gives Ozzie the ticket. Ozzie went inside. Then we hear his falling screaming until it fades out. The manager snickers quietly.]



(Mr. Burns sees Don Mattingly unpacking his stuff)
Mr. Burns: Mattingly. For the last time, get rid of those sideburns.
Don Mattingly: Mr. Burns, I don't know what you think sideburns are, but--
Mr. Burns: (cuts Mattingly off) Don't argue with me! Just get rid of them!
[Don Mattingly walks off to get his "sideburns" shaved; Mr. Burns sits next to Smithers]
Mr. Burns: Smithers, it's almost game time. Where the devil are my ringers?
Smithers: Sir, Mike Scioscia may not live through the night, Steve Sax is looking at six consecutive life sentences and Ozzie Smith seems to have vanished off the face of the earth.
[We see Ozzie Smith still falling and screaming through a red and blue wavy tunnel, until he stops and takes a picture]
Ozzie Smith: Cool! [He carries on screaming]
Mr. Burns: What about Canseco?
[Meanwhile, José Canseco has rescued all of the household furniture from a burning house. He puts the dryer down next to the washer.]
Woman: The dryer goes on the right.
José Canseco: [sighs, but still loyal and easily calm] Yes, ma'am. [He lifts up the dryer and puts it on the right next to the washer.]
Mr. Burns: What about Clemens?
Smithers: Sir, he's in no condition to play.
[We see Roger Clemens acting like a chicken which causes Burns to get frustrated.]
Mr. Burns: That damn hypnotist! [He angrily runs up to the hypnotist who is eating a sandwich] You! Look what you've done! My starting pitcher thinks he's a chicken! I'm going to report this to the American Hypnotical Association.
Hypnotist: But I did a good job. [He pulls out his pocket watch and waves it in front of Burns.] A good... job.
Mr. Burns: [under spell] Well, I guess it's not your fault. You did a good job.
[Mr. Burns sees Don Mattingly with his sideburns shaved.]
Mr. Burns: [gasps and confronts him] Mattingly! I thought I told you to trim those sideburns! Go home! You're off the team! FOR GOOD!!
Don Mattingly: Fine. [mutters to himself as he walks away] I still like him better than Steinbrenner.

Separate Vocations[edit]

Lisa: Well, I'm going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs, and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided.

Bart: Seymour, I'll bet you a steak dinner those books are still here. All we have to do is search every locker.
Principal Skinner: Oh, Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches are permitted by the Supreme Court.
Bart: Pfft! Supreme Court. What have they done for us lately?
Principal Skinner: Let's move.

Dog of Death[edit]

Homer: [at Mr. Burns' desk] Uh, Mr. Burns? I need to borrow some money.
Mr. Burns: Oh, please. Do go on. [about to press security button under desk]
Homer: I know you're a good man, [Burns pauses, takes hand away from button] but I have a dog that's very sick. [Burns presses button repeatedly]
Mr. Burns: [acting innocently] Oh, please. Continue.
Homer: I thought maybe you- [notices security guards] Oh. [being dragged out of Burns' office] Well, thanks for your time.
Mr. Burns: What makes a man endanger his job and... yes, even his life, by asking me for money?
Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers: if I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?
Smithers: [pause] If you did it, Sir?
Mr. Burns: Exactly! You'd be fit to be tied! Dogs! [scoffs]

[The Veterinarian fails to resuscitate a hamster.]
Homer: Hey, you did the best you could.
Veterinarian: I love animals. I've spent my life saving them and they can never thank me. Well, the parrots can.

Colonel Homer[edit]

Homer: I can't get your song out of my mind. I haven't felt this way since "Funkytown!" Can I get a copy?
Lurleen: [pointing to her noggin] Sorry, Homer. All my songs are up here: "I'm Basting a Turkey With my Tears," "Don't Look Up my Dress Unless You Mean It," "I'm Sick of Your Lying Lips and False Teeth..."

[Lurleen records a new song]
Lurleen: Oh the bases were empty on the diamond of my heart,
When the coach called me up to the plate,
I'd been swingin', and missin', at lovin' and kissin',
My average was point double oh eight.
So I spit on my hands, knocked the dirt from my spikes,
And pointed right towards center field,
This time I'm hitting a home run,
This time, love is for real.
I'll slide... I'll steal... I'll sacrifice
A lovin' fly for you,
I been slumping all season but now I found a reason,
I struck on a love that is true.
I used to play the field,
I used to be a roamer,
But the season's turning 'round for me now,
I finally bagged me a homer.
That's right, I finally bagged me a Homer.
Studio Manager: Um, Lurleen, we're gonna have to cut you off, we're getting some kind of grinding noise on the track. [cut to Marge grinding her teeth]

Black Widower[edit]

[After Bob wins an Emmy.]
Sideshow Bob: This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win, you bantering jack-in-the-box!
Krusty: Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob!
Sideshow Bob: No-talent shill!
Krusty: Second banana!
Sideshow Bob: Panderer!
Krusty: Bore!
[Bob is restrained by prison guards.]

Selma: That MacGyver's a genius!
Sideshow Bob: First of all, he's not a genius: he's an actor! And second, he's not much of an actor!
Selma: You're lying! YOU'RE LYING!
Sideshow Bob: No, Selma; this is lying. [sarcastically] That was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch!
Selma: NO! [runs out, sobbing]

The Otto Show[edit]

Bart: What are you going to do, Otto?
Otto: Oh, don't worry. There's plenty of money out there for a guy who knows how to fake his own death.
Marge: Well, maybe you should take the driver's test again?
Otto: Oh, I can't pass that thing. I got a zero last time; this time I'm hung over!
Bart: You can do it, Otto. You're the coolest adult I've ever met.
Otto: Wow! I've never been called an adult before. I've been tried as one, but... I'll do it!

Otto is struggling to open a door and is oblivious to the notice
Sign: EVICTION NOTICE. You are ordered to vacate the premises immediately.
Otto: Hey, landlord! Some clown changed my locks, padlocked the door and put up an eviction notice.
Landlord: Yeah, that was me.
Otto: You? But why?
Landlord: Because you haven't paid your rent.
Otto: Well... can I at least get my stuff?
Landlord: All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old psycho magazines.
Otto looks astonished
Otto: Wow! I have mustard?

Bart's Friend Falls in Love[edit]

[about his Magic Eight Ball]
Milhouse: You shake it up, and it tells the future!
Bart: Really? Will I pass my English test? [shakes the ball] "Outlook Not So Good." Wow, it does work!
Milhouse: Let me try. Will I get beat up today? [shakes the ball] "All Signs Point To Yes."
Nelson: That ball knows everything. [bashes Milhouse on the head.]

Lisa: Dad, do you know what today is?
Homer: The vernal equinox?
Lisa: No! It's been two weeks since you got that tape. Let's get you on the scales! [Homer gets on the scales] You've gained thirteen pounds.
Homer: Disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery! A pox on them!

Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes?[edit]

[At the First Annual C. Montgomery Awards for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence show.]
Lisa: This show is the biggest farce I ever saw!
Bart: What about the Emmys?
Lisa: I stand corrected.

[Herb rings The Simpsons' doorbell.]
Herb: [to himself] What am I gonna say? This is the guy who ruined me. But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions. How to express them?
[Homer opens the door.]
Homer: [surprised] Herb?
[Herb punches Homer in the face, steps over him and enters the house. Bart and Lisa see him.]
Bart & Lisa: Unky Herb!
Herb: [hugging them] Bart! Lisa! I'm so glad to see you!
Homer: [rubbing his cheek] You weren't so glad to see me...
Herb: I'm sorry, Homer, but I'm still mad at you. Every word you say makes me want to punch you in the face.
Homer: Well, while you're a guest in my home, could you just kick me in the butt?
Herb: I'll try, but I'm not making any promises.