The Simpsons/Season 3

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The Simpsons Season 3

Contents

[edit] Stark Raving Dad [3.01]

Homer: Lisa, you like homework. Could you fill out this form for me?
Lisa: Well, all right. If you'll listen to the poem I just wrote.
Homer: D'OH!!... Oh, okay.
Lisa: Meditations on Turning Eight, by Lisa Simpson. [reads] "I had a cat named Snowball. / She died, she died! / Mom said she was sleeping. / She lied, she lied! / Why oh why is my cat dead? / Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead? / I had a hamster named Snuffy. / He died--"
Homer: [takes his form] No deal!
Michael Jackson: I can't believe you've never heard of me, I'm a very popular entertainer.
Homer: of course I've heard of you! I mean you'd have to be living under a rock not to know...what'd you say you name was?
Michael Jackson: Michael Jackson.
Homer: Doesn't ring a bell.
Michael Jackson: Well have you heard of MTV?
Homer: No
Michael Jackson: Motown?
Homer: No
Michael Jackson: Beat it?
Homer: You beat it!
Michael Jackson: Thriller?
Homer: What was that last one again?
Michael Jackson: Thriller.
Homer: No.

[edit] Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington [3.02]

[About a check from "Reading Digest"]

Homer: I had a feeling it was too good to be true. Every time you get a million dollars, something queers the deal.
Lisa: I don't think real checks have exclamation points.
Homer: [reading] Then I heard the sound that all Arctic explorers dread... the pitiless bark of the sea lion! [gasp] He'll be killed!
Marge: Homer, he obviously got out alive if he wrote the article.
Homer: Don't be so... [flips ahead] Oh, you're right.
Faith Crowley: And here are your V.I.P. badges. These will get into place regular tourists never get to see!
Homer: Oh, miss! What does the "I" stand for?
Faith Crowley: Um..."Important."
Homer: Oh, okay. What about the "V"?
Faith Crowley: "Very."
Homer: Miss, just one more qu...
Faith Crowley: "Person."
Homer: Uh-huh. (pause) What does the "I" stand for again?

[edit] When Flanders Failed [3.03]

Homer: [On the phone] Hello, Jerry? Homer Simpson. Remember last month when I paid back that loan? Well now I need YOU to do a favor for ME.
Mr. Burns: [using a left-handed can opener] The worm has turned, has it not, my tin-plated friend? Look at you! You were once so proud. Now feel the wrath of the left hand of Burns! Oh, and the boys at Diner's Club are going to think I went loco, but I just have to have that as well.
Burns wants the left-handed stick shift sports car, which surprises the Flanders at selling such an expensive item

[edit] Bart the Murderer [3.04]

Tony: Pick a horse, kid. Shelbyville Downs, third race. Make it a good one.
Bart: Eat my shorts!
Tony: Eat My Shorts? Ah, okay... [consults the racing form] Let's see... Wait a minute, you little punk! Eat My Shorts is in the fifth race! I said the third race!
Bart: Don't have a cow!
Tony: [to a fellow crony] Don't Have a Cow in the third, put a deuce on him.
Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. And I am the... um... What cures cancer?

[edit] Homer Defined [3.05]

Kent Brockman Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.
Mr. Burns: [over the hotline] Oh, meltdown. It's one of these annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.
Mr. Burns: Well Smithers, I guess there's nothing left to do but kiss my sorry ass good-bye.
Smithers: May I, sir?
Mr. Burns: Ewww...

[edit] Like Father, Like Clown [3.06]

Krusty: (voice-over) My father was the most respected person in the Lower East Side of Springfield. People would come for miles around to ask his advice.
Young Jewish Man: Reb Krustofsky, should I finish college?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Yes. No one is poor, except he who lacks knowledge.
Jewish Woman: Rabbi, should I have another child?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house.
Jewish Man: Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Could you rephrase that as an ethical question?
Jewish Man: Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Oh, yes! For great is the car with power steering and dyna-flow suspension.
Bart: We came to talk to you about your son...
Rabbi Krustofsky: I have no son! [slams the door]
Bart: [talking to Lisa] Great, we came all this way and it's the wrong guy!
Rabbi Krustofsky: [opens door] I didn't mean that literally. [slams door again]


[At a bris...]
Bart: (quoting the Talmud) "Who shall bring redemption? The jesters!"
Rabbi Krustofsky: Sorry, my young friend, I'm still not convinced. And this is hardly the time or place to discuss it!

[edit] Treehouse of Horror II [3.07]

[Burns transplants Homer's brain into a robot]
Burns: Smithers, hand me that ice-cream scoop.
Smithers: Ice-cream scoop?!
Burns: Dammit, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!
[Burns removes Homer's brain then puts it atop his own head]]
Mister Burns: Look at me, I'm Davy Crockett!
[Burns performs a lobotomy without anesthesia]]
Homer: Ow. Ow! OW!
Burns: Quit complaining! This was I do not have to waste money on morphine! Well Smithers, you were right, he was not dead. I guess I owe you a Coke. And as for you, you lousy hunk of tin, take that! [Burns kicks robot, which tips it over and looms over Burns]
Smithers: Run Mister Burns!
[The robot lands on Burns, crushing him save for his head]]
Burns: Every bone in my body broken... vital organs leaking fluid... slight headache... Smithers, I'm dying.
Smither: No sir! Is there anything I can do?
Burns: We have one chance. Go to my office. Second drawer...there is some ether...
[Homer awakens, then walks into bathroom to remind himself that it was only a nightmare. When he closes the medicine cabinet, he sees Mr. Burns' head grafted onto him]]
Homer: DOH!
Mr. Burns: Perhaps you're curious as to why you have two heads. You see, when I was about to die, we saw your ample shoulder space provided enough oppurtunity to graft my head onto your body, thus saving my life.
Homer{hyperventilating}: This is only a dream. I did not wake up!
Mr. Burns: Oh sure, it is only a dream. Keep telling yourself that!
[Screen fades to black to creepy music, then scene resumes with normal Simpsons music looking like a canonical episode]]
Narrator: Next week, on The Simpsons.
Lisa: Dad, next Friday night my school is having an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.
Homer: WOO-HOO!
Mr. Burns: But Homer, next Friday night the plant is having a ceremony welcoming Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands.
Homer: DOH! I hate having two heads!

[edit] Lisa's Pony [3.08]

[Lisa calls Homer on the phone.]
Lisa: Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one.
Homer: Uh, isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at?
Lisa: I called her. She's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement.
Homer: Wow, and after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me.
Marge sighs as she looks over the mounting bills, most of which have to with the expenses of the pony
Marge: Hmmm, we're in serious trouble here. We're just going to have to cut back on luxuries.
Homer: Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have.
Marge: Actually, I was thinking we could cut back on your beer.
Homer: Nah, we're not gonna be doing that.

[edit] Saturdays of Thunder [3.09]

Homer: You know, Marge, that Bart is a little miracle – his winning smile, his button nose, his fat little stomach, his face alight with wholesome mischief. He reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.
Homer's Brain: Don't you get it? You've got to use reverse psychology.
Homer: That sounds too complicated.
Homer's Brain: OK, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: All right, I will!

[edit] Flaming Moe's [3.10]

Janey: Now remember, Wanda, whatever shape the wax takes, that's what your husband's job will be.
[Janey drips some melted candle wax into a cup of cold water.]
Wanda: [disappointed] It's a mop. My husband will be a janitor.
Lisa: That looks like an Olympic torch to me. Your husband could be an Olympic athlete who will go on to have a great acting career!
Wanda: [lets another drop of wax fall] It's a dustpan.
Lisa: The wax never lies...
Moe: [lying in bed with female bartender] Now that's what I call a happy hour.
Woman: Oh, Morris, something troubles me...
Moe: Don't worry, baby, my mother won't be home for another twenty minutes –
Woman: No, I was thinking about Homer Simpson.
Moe: That's okay, I was just thinking about Sybil Danning.
Woman: I mean that you should sell your drink, and give half the money to Homer.
Moe: Wha-?!
Woman: [stern] He's your friend, Moe. And you took advantage of him.
Moe: All right, all right, I'll split the money! Jeepers, Mary and Joseph, I sleep with a chick once, and it costs me half a million bananas!

[edit] Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk [3.11]

Carl: Yeah, you know, those Germans aren't so bad.
Lenny: Sure they made mistakes in the past, but hey, that's why pencils have erasers!
German Managers: Attention workers, we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order... Simpson, Homer. That is all.

[edit] I Married Marge [3.12]

Homer: Do you really think you're pregnant?
Marge: Well, I have the same nausea and craving for pancake mix I had with the other kids.
Homer: Yeah, and I have the same tightness in my chest and profuse sweating I always did.
[At Shotgun Pete's 24-Hour Wedding Chapel...]
Clerk: Basic ceremony's twenty bucks. Here's your license. (She hands them a punch card.) Be sure to get this punched every time. The tenth wedding is on the house!
Homer: Hey! This marriage is gonna last forever!
Clerk: (chuckling) No matter how many times I hear that, it still makes me laugh!
[As Marge does some accounting, Homer enters with his latest purchase.]
Homer: Marge, look at this! A baby monitor! (into the monitor) "Baby to Marge. Baby to Marge. Waa! Waa! Over."
Marge: Homer, I don't know how we can afford all these things on your salary.
[Homer looks out the window and sees the Power Plant.]
Homer: Hey, why don't I apply at the Nuclear Power Plant. I hear they pay pretty well!
Marge: I don't know. I heard radiation can make you sterile.
Homer: Pfft. Now you tell me!
[Homer runs into the delivery room after Marge has gone into labor.]
Homer: Marge! Marge, where's the baby?
Patty: (pointing to Marge's belly) Right where you left it!

[edit] Radio Bart [3.13]

["We're Sending Our Love Down The Well"]
Sting: There's a hole in my heart, as deep as a well,
For that poor little boy who's stuck halfway to Hell...
Sideshow Mel: Though we can't get him out, we'll do the next best thing...
Rainier Wolfcastle: We'll go on TV and sing, sing, sing!
All: And we're sending our love down the well...
Krusty: All the way down!
All: We're sending our love down the well...
Krusty: Down that well!
[On TV]
Kent: So, as it turns out, we've all been victims of a cruel hoax, masterminded by a 10-year old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents.
Homer: It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident!
Marge: HOMER!
Homer: Sorry. Uh... could you edit that last part out?
Kent: Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast-to-coast.
Homer: D'oh!

[edit] Lisa the Greek [3.14]

[Homer just won another bet and is getting his latest winnings from Moe]
Homer: Hi Moe. A beer...AND A LOT OF BILLS!
[After Homer explains that he and Lisa can't climb up Mt Springfield.]
Lisa: But what about Daddy-Daughter Day?
Homer: Don't worry, the football season's just eight months away.
Lisa: So that's it. You just needed me so I can help you gamble. You never wanted to be with me at all!! [starts crying]
Marge: You're a very selfish man.
[Bart is playing with a button that Homer bought him, and presses "Go to hell" three times]
Bart: Once again, Dad, great present!

[edit] Homer Alone [3.15]

Arnie Pye: This is Arnie Pye with Arnie in the Sky! We've got big problems on the Springfield Memorial Bridge people. Traffic is held waaaaaaaaay back in both directions. And look out at the corner of 14th and Elm because I just dropped my bagel!
Selma: Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed. Bart, you'll be sleeping with your Aunt Patty.
Bart: ...In your bed?
Patty: Uh-huh. And just a warning: I'm told I snore.
[Patty and Selma chuckle. Bart and Lisa quickly grab each others hand]
Patty: Oh! "Divorce Court" is on in five minutes!
[They get up and leave.]
Bart: I'm scared, Lisa.
Lisa: You think you know fear? Well, I've seen them naked!
[Bart screams]
[Marge, having taken part of all the activities, watches the Rancho Relaxo infomercial on the TV.]
Troy McClure: By now, you've seen all Rancho Relaxo has to offer...
Marge: Uh-huh.
Troy McClure: But remember: we can't tell you how to have a good time. You have to tell us! As I said to Delores Montinegro in "Calling All Quakers": Have it your way, baby!
[Marge picks up the phone.]
Marge: Hello, Room Service? I'd like a banana fudge sundae. With whipped cream! And some chocolate chip cheesecake. And a bottle of tequila!

[edit] Bart the Lover [3.16]

Bart: Hey, Lis. Suppose I'm writing a second letter to a girl and I already used up my "A" material. What should I say?
Lisa: Ooooh, could it be there's a special someone you're not telling me about? Who is she, Bart? Is it Sherri?
Bart: No.
Lisa: Is it Terri?
Bart: No.
Lisa: Is it that girl with the lazy-eye patch?
Bart: No.
Lisa: Is it that exchange student, Mx!pa?
Bart: No! It's... homework.
Lisa: Yeah, right! "Hey, Bart! Let's do some 'homework!'"
[Lisa makes kissy faces at Bart until he shoves her over.]
[At the Flanders dinner table...]
Maude: Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?
Todd: Hell, no.
[The rest of the Flanders's all gasp.]
Ned: What did you say?
Todd: I said I don't want any damn vegetables.
Ned: Well, that's it, young man! No Bible stories for you tonight!
[Todd runs upstairs crying.]
Maude: Don't you think you were a little hard on him, Dear?
Ned: Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.

[edit] Homer at the Bat [3.17]

[Umpire talking to the captains before the game.]
Umpire: Okay, let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, we know how to play softball!
Marge: What makes you think this Darryl Strawberry character is better than you?
Homer: Marge, forget it. He's bigger than me, smarter than me, faster than me, stronger than me, and he already has more friends around the plant than I do.
Bart: You make me sick, Homer! You're the one who told me I could be the best at anything if I just put my mind to it!
Homer: Well, now that you're a little bit older, I can tell you that's a crock! No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.
Bart: Gotcha. Can't win, don't try.

[edit] Separate Vocations [3.18]

Lisa: Well, I'm going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs, and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided.
Bart: Seymour, I'll bet you a steak dinner those books are still here. All we have to do is search every locker.
Skinner: Oh, Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches are permitted by the Supreme Court.
Bart: Pfft! Supreme Court. What have they done for us lately?
Skinner: Let's move.

[edit] Dog of Death [3.19]

Chief Wiggum: No, you got the wrong number. This is nine-one... two.
Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers: if I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?
Smithers: [pause] If you did it, Sir?
[The Veterinarian fails to resuscitate a hamster.]
Homer Hey, you did the best you could.
Veterinarian: I love animals. I've spent my life saving them and they can never thank me. Well, the parrots can.

[edit] Colonel Homer [3.20]

Redneck #1: Hey you! Let's fight!
Redneck #2: Them's fightin' words!
[They fight.]
Homer: I can't get your song out of my mind. I haven't felt this way since "Funkytown!" Can I get a copy?
Lurleen: [pointing to her noggin] Sorry, Homer. All my songs are up here: "I'm Basting a Turkey With my Tears," "Don't Look Up my Dress Unless You Mean It," "I'm Sick of Your Lying Lips and False Teeth..."
Studio Manager: You know, this studio has a lot of history. Buddy Holly stood on that same spot in 1955 and said, "There is no way in hell I am recording in this dump!"
Marge: [after seeing Lurleen] I thought you said she was overweight.
Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.

[edit] Black Widower [3.21]

Patty: You see, Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession with not dying alone. So, in desperation, she joined this prison pen-pal program. Her new sweetie's a jailbird.
Bart: Cool! He can teach us how to kill a man with a lunch tray.
Marge: Now, now, he's an ex-convict! He's paid his debt to society!
Patty: Then how come you're not using the good silverware?
Marge: I'm just not.

[edit] The Otto Show [3.22]

Marge: Why don't you go and live with your parents?
Otto: Oh, the admiral and I don't get along. Please let me stay here. I've got nowhere else to go!
Homer: Forget it. That line didn't work for my dad, and it's not gonna work for you.
Marge: Homer, I know we didn't ask for this, but doesn't the Bible say, "Whatever you do unto the least of these my brothers, that you do unto me?"
Homer: Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say, "Thou shalt not take moochers into thy...hut?"
Bart: What are you going to do, Otto?
Otto: Oh, don't worry. There's plenty of money out there for a guy who knows how to fake his own death.
Marge: Well, maybe you should take the driver's test again?
Otto: Oh, I can't pass that thing. I got a zero last time; this time I'm hung over!
Bart: You can do it, Otto. You're the coolest adult I've ever met.
Otto: Wow! I've never been called an adult before. I've been tried as one, but... I'll do it!

[edit] Bart's Friend Falls in Love [3.23]

[about his Magic Eight Ball]
Milhouse: You shake it up, and it tells the future!
Bart: Really? Will I pass my English test? [shakes the ball] "Outlook Not So Good." Wow, it does work!
Milhouse: Let me try. Will I get beat up today? [shakes the ball] "All Signs Point To Yes."
Nelson: That ball knows everything. [bashes Milhouse on the head.]
Lisa: Dad, do you know what today is?
Homer: The vernal equinox?
Lisa: No! It's been two weeks since you got that tape. Let's get you on the scale! [Homer gets on the scale] You've gained thirteen pounds.
Homer: Disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery! A pox on them!

[edit] Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes? [3.24]

Bart: And now, the next event in our Living Room Olympics, the always controversial Couch Vault. [gruff voice] I do this for Stainmaster carpets, proud sponsor of the Living Room Olympics.
[To Olympics-knockoff music, Bart vaults over Homer's couch using a broom. But he doesn't make it, and causes the couch to collapse in several pieces, just as Homer walks in.]
Homer: What the hell are you kids-?! [sees the ruined couch] AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Oh, my beautiful couch! The seats! The arms! The dream is over! [to Bart and Lisa, angrily] All right, who did this?!
Bart: We were just sitting on the couch quietly chatting when we heard a creaking noise.
Lisa: We leapt off just in time to see it collapse. [puts her head on Bart's shoulder, as if in shock]
Bart: ["comforting" her] There, there. You're safe now, little sister.
[At Homer's hastily-concocted award ceremony]
Lisa: This show is the biggest farce I ever saw!
Bart: What about the Emmys?
Lisa: I stand corrected.
[Herb rings The Simpsons' doorbell.]
Herb: (to himself) What do I say? This is the guy who ruined me! But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions. How to express them?
[Homer opens the door.]
Homer: (surprised) Herb!
Herb: (punches Homer in the face)
[Herb steps over Homer and enters the house. Bart and Lisa see him.]
Bart & Lisa: Unky Herb!
Herb: (hugging them) Bart! Lisa! Gee, I'm glad to see you!
Homer (rubbing his cheek) You weren't so glad to see me...
Herb: I'm sorry, Homer, but I'm still mad at you! Every word you say makes me want to punch you in the face!
Homer: Well, while you're a guest in my home, could you just kick me in the butt?
Herb: I'll try, but I'm not making any promises!
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