The Thick of It

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The Thick of It is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars Peter Capaldi as Malcolm Tucker. See also In The Loop, a spin-off feature film.

Series 1, Episode 1[edit]

Malcolm Tucker: He's as useless as a marzipan dildo.

Malcolm Tucker: I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit wank farewell at No. 10.

Cliff Lawton: You've told the Lobby that I'm going?
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah. Sorry, Cliff.
Cliff Lawton: Minister.
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, get used to 'Cliff'.

Malcolm Tucker: What did the Prime Minister actually say to you?
Hugh: He actually said this is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.
Malcolm: SHOULD be doing. "Should" does not mean "yes".

Malcolm Tucker: You don't seem to understand that I'm going to have to have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss from all these neurotics.

Hugh Abbott: I'm not quite sure what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.

Hugh Abbott: I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't wanna see this guy ever again.
Glenn Cullen: On what grounds?
Hugh: Smiling! Inappropriate smiling! And smirking! Smiling and smirking! I don't wanna see that smile or smirk ever again, ok?

[Ollie and Angela are arguing. Tucker comes in]
Malcolm: Hi, Angela! Oh, like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going?
Ollie: Fine. We were just talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper...
Malcolm: Oh, I don't know. Maybe you should! Good idea!
[Malcolm leaves. Then comes back]
Malcolm: Oh, wait a minute! I know why she shouldn't! Because , you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or even a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio where the sad sack belongs. That's what I'd tell her.

Series 1, Episode 2[edit]

Hugh Abbot: I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, "No, I'm not going to read The New Statesman. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me." Is that normal?
Glenn Cullen: It's sad.

Hugh Abbot: He's calling me the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant.

Terri Coverley: We don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.
Ollie Reeder: Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with?
Glenn Cullen: This is a bucket of shit. If someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them. We start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.
Hugh Abbot: That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.
Ollie: Watch and learn.

Malcolm: Ok, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favor to Cliff.
Ollie: Cliff being...
Glenn: Cliff Lawton.
Malcolm: Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.
Hugh: Are they now?
Malcolm: Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying. It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.

Glenn Cullen: It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.

Malcolm Tucker: It's damage control, ok. We put out the story the way we want it before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle.

Hugh: How fucked am I?
Ollie: Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...
Hugh: In terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?
Glenn: Oh, 12.
Ollie: Yeah. 12, say.
Hugh: Out of what?
Glenn: Er... 50.
Ollie: Oh. Mine was out of ten.

Glenn: My gut still says no.
Malcolm: Yeah, well, substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.

Hugh: She's an actress.
Glenn: What do you mean?
Hugh: Well, I mean... No, there's no clearer way of saying it — she's an actress.

Malcolm Tucker: I'm good but I can't hold back the tide!

Series 1, Episode 3[edit]

Hugh Abbot: [Dictating a press release to Terri] "Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced, 'I'm the fucking daddy!'."

Dan Miller: If you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs.

Malcolm Tucker: [To Ollie, talking about Angela Heaney] I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?! That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one, which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department.

Hugh: They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55 with no past, and no flats, and no genitals.

Hugh Abbott: [Sarcastically] What d'you want me to do? Resign?! [Sees the look on Malcolm's face] No!
Malcolm Tucker: It is possible to have a good resignation!
Hugh: A good resignation? Well, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell this to me!
Malcolm: Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know; steely jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before you get to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying "Oh, that fucker's got to go!", you surprise them! "Blimey, he's gone! I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!" How about that, eh? What a way to go!

Ollie Reeder: I'm just the counter man in McDonald's. You're the clown running the shop. You're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig.
Glenn Cullen: What does that make me?
Ollie: Ronald McDonald.
Glenn: Fuck off!

Malcolm: [To Ollie] Feet off the furniture, you Oxbridge twat. You're not in a punt now.

Hugh: I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be prime minister by now.

Series 2, Episode 1[edit]

Hugh: How long since you've had sex?
Glenn: That is between me and my internet service provider.

Hugh: That was quite funny.
Glenn: I didn't think it was funny.
Hugh: I'm an elected representative of the people. It was funny.

Hugh Abbot: Robyn, all events are regional. Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Like this factory visit.

Jamie: Have you seen the Whip's numbers?
Malcolm: NOMFuP.
Jamie: What?
Malcolm: NOMFuP. N-O-M-F-P. Not My Fucking Problem. I quite like that. Did you like that? I'll use that quite a lot today.

Malcolm Tucker:Y'know what's worrying me? Is this dodgy?
Jamie: I dunno, the kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked, what does it matter?
Malcolm: Well, you know me, I'm a man of principle. I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron.
Jamie: Probably a moron.

[Frankie has left a bag of crisps from the bin on Ollie's desk]
Ollie: Oh nice, very nice!
Jamie: WELL, GO FOR FUCK SAKE YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, YOU NEED IT DONE!
Ollie: When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot!

Malcolm Tucker: You're worse than dead meat. I don't know what you're laughing at. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures.

Malcolm Tucker: How much fucking shit is there on the menu and WHAT FUCKING FLAVOUR IS IT?!
Ollie: [on phone to his girlfriend] Malcolm? No, I'm in a Scottish restaurant, someone's complaining that they've under fried his Mars bar-- Yeah of course it's Malcolm!

Malcolm: There is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life.

Malcolm: Stats, percentages, international comparisons, information. E-mail them fucking wads of information. And tell them to get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? Come on, unleash hell!

Hugh: I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking that they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their t-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothing with writing on it? And why are they so fat?

Jamie: Well, go, for fuck's sake, you big fucking prick! I'll cut your fucking ears off! We need it done.
Ollie: When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot.

Malcolm: [On the phone to Ollie] Have you sorted it, Ollie?
Ollie: It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm. It's difficult...
Malcolm: Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that? You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together.
Ollie: No, no!
Malcolm: Then make me happy, Bring me sunshine.
Ollie Fine, I'll make you happy, Malcolm [hangs up] Dickwad. [his phone rings again; he answers it] Oliver Reeder.
Jamie: [on phone] Alright, shitbag, you done yet?
Ollie: I'm just in the middle of it right now!
Jamie: WELL FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!
Ollie: [hangs up] Fuck sake!

Series 2, Episode 2[edit]

Malcolm: Come the fuck in or fuck the fuck off.
Hugh: Well I'll come the fuck in then.

Hugh: Just thought you'd want to know as soon as possible. Terri's father... there's no news.
Malcolm: Oh, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle?

Malcolm: Don't take it personally.
Hugh: You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person. How else am I supposed to take it?

[Discussing Julius Nicholson]
Hugh: Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
Ollie: What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away.
Glenn: I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup.
Hugh: What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?
[Julius walks in]
Ollie: I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, [having already noticed Julius] but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.

Hugh: [telling a joke at his party] And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.”
[No one laughs]
Hugh: And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. [to Ollie, whispering] A fiver if you set off the sprinklers.

Hugh Abbot: You saw me in there. I was swinging like a colostomy bag.

Hugh: Since when, Glenn, does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out from the fucking press that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man?

Series 2, Episode 3[edit]

Ollie Reeder: Who wants to go and watch bollockvision? Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby.

[The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship]
Glenn Cullen: So, Hugh, this new word, 'citizenship', did the PM tell you what it meant?
Hugh Abbot: Honestly, I think he was making up the reshuffle as he went along. I think we're lucky that 'citizenship' was the first thing that came to mind. Otherwise we could have been the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.

[Watching Malcolm shouting at another Minister]
Hugh: Malcolm must fucking love this place. Four Ministers in one building. It's his dream. A one-stop bollock shop. I honestly don't know which is worse; watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate caner or appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke. [Terri turns to him, offended] I'm sorry, how's your sister coping?

[Ollie, Terri and Robyn are viewing the new DoSAC building from their floor]
Ollie: Good place for a suicide isn't it? Long drop, appreciative audience.
Robyn: But what if you only broke your back? You'd be paralysed for life and you'd still be depressed about the thing that had been depressing you.
Terri: What are these hangy-down things?
Ollie: They're acoustic baffles. They stop it getting too echoey.
Robyn: So when you break your back, no-one can hear you scream?
Ollie: Well that is the sort of attention-to-detail you get in a PFI building.
[From the atrium, Malcolm's voice echoes throughout the building when he spots them]
Malcolm: HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!

[Ollie has made a joke about special needs kids]
Hugh: You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.
Ollie: Why?
Hugh: Glenn's boy, Peter, he went to a special needs school.
Ollie: Oh.
Hugh: Yep.
Ollie: ...Glenn's had sex?
Hugh: God, you're such a prick, Ollie. There's more to life than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having Nick Robinson's number on your fucking Blackberry.

Ollie: I had a girlfriend with special needs once, actually. [smiles smugly] Luckily, I was able to fulfill them.
Hugh: You're such a wanker, Ollie.

Hugh: Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass?
Malcolm: I'm a shapeshifter.

Hugh Abbot: It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me.

Miscellaneous Civil Servant: Can you stop swearing, please?
Malcolm: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, you won't hear anymore swearing from us YOU MASSIVE GAY SHITE! FUCK OFF!

Hugh: I categorically, did not knowingly not tell the truth. Even though unknowingly, I might not have done.

Hugh: I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and the puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers.

Malcolm: Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday.
Hugh: What?
Malcolm: Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo.

Malcolm:: God, right, okay, well, seen as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a "prepared statement". In that you will say "I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you". Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as The Sweary Woman of Whitehall.

The Rise Of The Nutters[edit]

Ollie (referring to himself): Very powerful, very attractive sexually due to all this power-
Jamie McDonald: Ey, Poxbridge!
Malcolm: Hello!
Jamie McDonald: Hey, dickhead, Happy New Queer!
Malcolm: I'm really sorry, don’t be so offensive, I apologise for my friend’s behaviour. Did you have a nice Poofmas?

Ollie: Have you ever been to Australia?
Ben Swain: Nope, why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting, it's just the world's largest collection of poisonous things.
Ollie: God yeah, if you want to hang around with poisonous snakes you might as well stay here!
[Nobody laughs]
Ollie: [Ironically] Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire.

Jamie: [to Ben Swain, after his disastrous Newsnight interview] YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE!

Stuart: Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line. Whether you're really up to speed?
Peter: Well, I don't know, am I? Because I get people stopping me in the street and saying "Are you still for locking up yobbos?" and I say "Yeah, of course we are!" and then I think 'Are we?' because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos, or not even call them yobbos. Call them young men with issues around stabbing

Malcolm: Have you ever travelled like, a hundred miles per hour, head first, through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, unless! Unless...you listen to us.
Jamie: He will eat you up, shit you out and grout his fucking wet room with you.

Jamie: [During Ben Swain's Newsnight interview] The cameramen are laughing.

Malcolm: Pull it. Puncture his life belt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits I'll give you 500 quid.

Phil: [commenting on Ben's interview] This is like watching a lion rape a sheep--in a bad way.

Peter Manion: [reading a comment on his blog] You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?

[Ben Swain walks in after his disastrous Newsnight interview]
Malcolm: Oh, here he is! Dead man walking!
Jamie: [impersonating Ben Swain's voice] "I--I really wish you wouldn't keep saying that--errr--I--errr...!" [in normal voice] I mean what's your favourite band? Blink 182?

[alternate/deleted scene]
[Ben Swain walks in]
Malcolm: Oh, hey, oh here he is! The walk of shame!
Jamie: You never told us you had epilepsy, of the eyes! Was that a sweat or were you crying?
Malcolm: Have I seen you on the telly?
Ben: Yeah, Blockbusters, 1991, I got a gold run.
Malcolm: I have to say, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my entire life. And I've been in a sauna with Pavarotti! I mean I know politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vaporise!

[Ollie's girlfriend has stolen his policy idea]
Malcolm: Your fucking girlfriend. Jesus Christ...
Jamie: You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago.
Ollie: I would've done, she is mad! She's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her in case I found anything out!
Jamie: Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them!? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever! You're David fucking Niven!

Malcolm Tucker: The story isn't me, Glen, okay? Nobody is interested in me and I would be pleased if you would remember that, okay?
Glenn: You sure you don't want Hugh and me to come back? We could give you some cover.
Malcolm: Hugh is not coming back. It would look like we're panicking and we're not panicking. But I need you back here fucking ASAP, to let them know that we're not panicking!
Glenn: So you want me to interrupt my holiday, in a panic, so Hugh doesn't have to interrupt his holiday and look like he's panicking?
Malcolm: You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me!

Ollie: Malcolm, you're bullying me and... y'know...
Malcolm Tucker: How dare you. How dare you! Don't ever, ever call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that.

Peter: [to Jamie] Oh sorry, do I know you? Don't you work for somebody famous? Malcolm Hamish McDeath?
Jamie: It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it?
Peter: [laughs] Yes, that's right.
Jamie: I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the one who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi?
Peter: Just the love child. I was the quiet one.
Phil: Like John Deacon in Queen.

Malcolm: [to Ben Swain] You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra.

Jamie: You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your iPod from its tiny nano sheath and push it up your cock! And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse and put it on shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track by crushing YOUR balls!

Ollie: [To Phil Smith] I will be so not sorry to not ever have to talk to you again you massive floppy blonde tit. I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men.
Ollie: [To Emma Messinger] It is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend at daddy's, vacuous nothing!

Spinners and Losers[edit]

Malcolm: Has anybody seen Jamie?
Ollie: Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral! 'Cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash.

Malcolm: [On phone to Jamie] There is a glacier of shit at DoSaC! I need you over there with a fucking blowtorch, right now!

Malcolm: Shut it! You're using all the minutes on my "Talk until you get head cancer" tariff.

Ollie: [on the phone to Malcolm] Yes, fantastic actually, Malcolm. Because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum.

Ben: What do you think?
Nick: To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired, and I'd quite like to hit someone.

Jamie: I'm not leaving it to you. You couldn't organize a bum-rape in a barracks.
Malcolm: Au contraire!

[deleted scene]
Malcolm Tucker Tucker's Law: "If some cunt can fuck something up that cunt will pick the worst fucking time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt!" I've go that embroidered on a tea-towel at home!

Malcolm: If you do think about running with this pill story, I'll personally fucking eviscerate you, right? I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means. But I'll start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there. Okay?

Malcolm Tucker: The Tom wobble. It's over.
Ben Swain: So what does that mean?
Malcolm: Well, it means that the rats are now returning to a very buoyant ship... and they're playing deck tennis. So that's lovely, isn't it?
Ben: What does that mean for me, then?
Malcolm: I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a "Vote for me" sticker on the end.
Ben: B-but you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!!
Malcolm: Well half an hour ago you were in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world where everything is different! Maybe, outside, the polar ice caps have melted, maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and Davina McCall's the new Pope! Maybe, you can download rice! I want you, right now, to think about your future, okay? Think about what you are doing! Get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville, yeah?

Malcolm: Tomorrow, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want pages one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus. Y'know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of British politics with me at the center looking fucking indispensable and fucking benign. And I want page six TO BE FUCKING... ISRAEL OR SOME BULLSHIT, NOT A FUCKING DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DESTRACTING COCK-UP!

Jamie: What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time, you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London comprehensive.
Terri: Yep, well done. That's offensive on a number of levels, in a very concise way.

Jamie: Hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking it yet?
Glenn: I have. It's Julius! He just told me-
Jamie: No, no, no, wait, Julius? Nicholson?! THAT BALDY PUSSY?! Well, I'll tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait 'till you see when I'm finished with him! HE'LL LOOK LIKE FUCKING MEL GIBSON'S JESUS! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!!

[Jamie has found out that Nicholson has leaked Immigration figures]
Jamie: Nicholson! NCHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak FUCK!
Julius Nicholson: [smirking] Sorry? What are you--
Jamie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock! You fucking sold us out, didn't you?! DENY IT!
Julius: Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented...
Jamie: [impersonating Julius] Oh, oh, oh, oh, "the actual charge"? [normal vioce] Yeah, well, apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? OK, OK, OK, OK! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy did knowingly do us up the shit-hole by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am going to have your guts as a skipping rope! And your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!
Julius: James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly-
Malcolm: Eat that prawn.
Julius: -there's not confidential-
Malcolm: Eat that fucking prawn.
Julius: I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm.
Malcolm: Eat that prawn. Eat a bit of fucking prawn. [throws a prawn at Julius]
Julius: Don't be stupid.
Malcolm: Eat another prawn. [throws another prawn at Julius]
Julius: Stop it!
Malcolm: Have some fucking chow mein!
Jamie: Stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head!
Julius: Stop it!
Malcolm: [to Ollie] Get that fucking cheese over there!
Jamie: Eat the cheese!
Julius: STOP IT!
Glenn: Go on, have some!
Jamie: EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUCKING--
Julius: This isn't funny this is an expensive suit!
[Jamie tries to wrestle Julius]
Julius: James, just--
Jamie: FUCK!
Julius: What the fuck are you doing!? [runs out the room]
'[Jamie runs after Julius]
Malcolm: Hey, hey hey hey! Right!
Jamie: EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON!

Glenn: Fucking hell! Fuck! Jesus, I'm not a joke, okay, alright, hello? I am a man. I am a man, you know, you know?! This, THIS!!!! THIS IS MY LIFE!!!! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE!! And, it's collapsing in front of me. You know, Tom's lot, they're never going to want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now, he... Jesus Christ, this is all, I AM A MAN!!!!!! AND, NO YOU DON'T I'M IRRELEVANT!! NO, NO GO AWAY, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant! FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO TINKY WINKY?!! WELL FUCK TINKY WINKY, FUCK YOU TINKY WINKY!!! AUF WIEDERSHEN PET, THE PARTY'S OVER, GOODBYE YELLOW BRICK ROAD, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE!! FUCK THEM ALL!!!!

Series 3, Episode 1[edit]

Malcolm Tucker: He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him.

Malcolm: Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking Leonard Cohen song.

[discussing the Cabinet reshuffle]
Terri Coverley: Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty.
Ollie Reeder: That's because they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch.
Terri: They couldn't really demote Fatty because he knows too much.
Ollie: Well he doesn't know where the Ryvita is kept, does he?

[on the phone to a colleague about how busy he is]
Malcolm: I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew.
[later in the episode, on the phone again]
Malcolm: Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter.

Malcolm: Here he is! Cock like the Pink Panther's tail.
Doug Hayes: I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.
Malcolm: Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are, to me.

[deleted scenes continuation]

Malcolm: Go on, go and crawl under the floor boards and die!
[Doug Hays walks off]
Malcolm: Send us a post card! From the great desert of the political wilderness! And call it "The Big Cunt Diary"!

Malcolm: Get me Nicola Murray. Yeah, if she says no the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it.

[Hugh has lost his place in the reshuffle]
Terri: It's so sad, isn't it - Hugh?
Ollie: You don't give a shit!
*beat*
Terri: ...No, perhaps I don't.

Ollie: Who's Tom Rudd?
Terri: Isn't he in Harry Potter?
Glenn: Tom Rudd is army slang for standing up buggery.

[Glenn and Ollie don't know if Nicola will keep them on]
Terri: Well, thank goodness I'm safe.
Glen: We know you're safe Terri! How do we know you're safe? Because you keep using the word 'Safe' like you're bloody Jim Bowen!
Ollie: [Immitating Jim Bowen presenting Bullseye] You've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady?

Terri: Well, it was a bit of a shock for us. In a good way. Like twins, or a tax rebate.

Nicola Murray: [On the phone to her husband] So, I'll take your warm congratulations as... implied. [ends phone call] Fucking arsehole!

Glenn:The thing is, and please Ollie correct me here if I’m wrong.
Ollie:I will certainly do that.

Malcolm: That's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean you step out of line they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair?
Nicola: Oh God yes, it's cool isn't it. It's got lumbar support.
Malcolm: Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave.
Nicola: Ok, fine. So what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?
Malcolm: A fucking normal chair, right. Not a fucking massive vibrating throne.

Malcolm: What's up with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage.

Malcolm: We send everyone up there to support Liam Bentley. Including the PM.
Aide: You want to send Tom up there?
Malcolm: Yeah, fuck it, he'll be alright. So long as he doesn't do the smile.

Nicola: I don't really have a choice, do I?
Malcolm: Of course you have a choice. You can choose how you say yes. Do it with a voice, have fun with it.
Nicola: [Pause] Yes. [Beat] In my own voice.

Malcolm: You hit the phones, right. I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.

Malcolm: Not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking mental. Jesus Christ, see you, you're a fucking omnishambles, that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: from bean to cup, you fuck up.

Malcolm: You are a human dartboard and Eric fucking Bristow is on the oche flinging a million darts of human shit right at you.

Malcolm: (On Nicola sending her children to a private school) You are quietly saying that all the public schools that this Government has improved are knife-addled rape sheds and you don't think that's a fucking big story?

Series 3, Episode 2[edit]

Malcolm: Look, don't worry. The PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up. Sacked after a week, looks like he's fucked up.
Nicola: I'm not doing terribly, am I?
[beat]
Malcolm: [Looking out window] I love the way they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so clean!

Malcolm: [To his driver] Pull in here. See if you can take out that cyclist on the way, I think he's Shadow Cabinet.

Robyn: Do you know, Malcolm... [Malcolm stares back, gravely] the best way to clear a paper jam?
Malcolm: I don't know... kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?

Ollie: [To Glenn] You can't overwrite minutes! Well, you specifically can't because you don't know how to unlock the PDF file.

Malcolm: [Nicola has accidentally revealed a DoSAC-caused catastrophe to an on-the-record journalist] FUCK'S SAKE! JESUS CHRIST! Well, now we've got another fuckin' adjective to add to fuckin' 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we? 'FUCKIN' RETARDED!' Jesus Chri-- Do you not think it would be germane to check who you're talking to? IT'S A FUCKIN' NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKIN' SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKIN' DEAF, IS IT? ARE YOU SO DENSE?! AM I GONNA HAVE TO RUN AROUND SLAPPING BADGES ON PEOPLE WITH A BIG TICK ON SOME AND A BIG CROSS ON OTHERS SO YOU KNOW WHEN TO SHUT YOUR GOB AND WHEN TO OPEN IT?! Jesus Christ! OH, BUT THAT'D PROBABLY CONFUSE YOU AS WELL, WON'T IT? THAT'D BE TOO CONFUSING, YOU'D SEE THE CROSS AND GO "OH, FUCK, X MARKS THE SPOT! I'D BETTER TELL THIS LITTLE PERSON ABOUT THE PRIME MINISTER'S FUCKING CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION"! Oh, but not to worry, not to worry. You've sent fuckin' Ollie over there to deal with it. FUCKIN' OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKIN', HE'S A FUCKIN, KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT! HE'S A FUCKIN' BALACLAVA!

[Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office]
Malcolm: I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I am extremely miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call "Violent Sexual Imagery", so I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that.
Nicola: I could actually do without the theatrics, I think Malcolm--
Malcolm: ENOUGH! E-fucking-nough! You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first, big, fat egg of solid fuck.

Nicola: You said yourself that if the PM sacks me after a week, it looks like he's fucked up.
Malcolm: Yeah, but that was before, when your biggest problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper and a face like Dot Cotton licking piss off a nettle.

Series 3, Episode 3[edit]

Malcolm: We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to cross the floor. I think we should use the 'carrot and stick' approach. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot.

John Duggan: [about him and Ollie] We're like Dick and Dom aren't we? Great chemistry.
Glenn: Except neither one of you are Doms.

John Duggan: How was your holiday?
Nicola Murray MP: Well, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm "suggested" that we go to Suffolk. So the kids were miserable, the weather was miserable and Malcolm phoned to shout at me for looking miserable.

John Duggan: Well, that's not strictly true.
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, well Strictly Come Dancing isn't strictly dancing, is it? There's also a bit at the beginning when an old man dribbles.

Malcolm: I don't fucking hit women.
Ollie: Apart from Glenn.

Malcolm: Listen mate I'm really, I'm really sorry right. I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fuckin moment, yeah. I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks. I had my finger in the dyke but the dyke's very squirty.
Ollie: Is it Fat Pat. I've heard that she's…
Malcolm: Shut up.

[Nicola Murray has just shut herself in her hotel room bathroom mid-way through talking to Malcolm Tucker]
Malcolm: Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, eh? [Starts banging on the door in the style of Fred Flintstone] WILMAAAAAA! Fuck off!
Nicola: I'm making a phone call
Malcolm: Make a phone call. Phone a fucking friend

Malcolm: I know it was you who leaked the punch story.
John Duggan: "Fisty-gate?"
Malcolm: Don't call it that! Where did you hear that!?
John Duggan: Well somebody said it was called "Fisty-gate"; I said "I didn't realise it was called that".
Malcolm: Oh, fuck! FUCK ME!!
John Duggan: I didn't leak anything, Malcolm! I swear to God! [looks over to the sink to find there are a pair of tweezers] You're not going to tweezer me, are you?
Malcolm: No, no, no, no, no. I'm just gonna fucking kill you.
John Duggan: Why?
Malcolm: Because you told some spotty-faced blogger that I hit Glenn!
John Duggan: But I didn't!
Malcolm: But you would say that.
John Duggan: But I didn't. It can't have been me, I'd know if it was me.
Malcolm: [impersonating John Duggan] No, it can't have been me, I'd know if it was me!
John Duggan: Malcolm, you're really starting to scare me, now.
Malcolm: I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry for fucking scaring you, I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you! Okay, I'm just going to explain what I'm gonna fucking to do to you! I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them! And then stitch them to a FUCKING SOCK and use THAT as a mouthpiece!

Series 3, Episode 4[edit]

Peter Mannion: [Regarding their visit to DoSAC] It's a straightforward series of meetings with the senior civil servants; "Where's the stop-cock?" "Where can I get a decent cup of coffee?" "Here's our Legislative agenda for the next three years."

Malcolm Tucker: [To DoSAC, regarding the Opposition] You tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that.

Ollie: You having trouble with the Fourth Sector ring around?
Glenn: No, not really. I ring people up, say "Do you think this is shite?" They say yes, I agree. Job done.

[deleted scene]
Ollie: You don't belong in politics, Phil, you should be, I don't know, sailing the Atlantic in your old school satchel, that's more your thing!
Phil: I think you'll find I'm very much at home here! I mean, this is brilliant! This is like being handed the codes to the Death Star! I cannot wait to drop a fat one down your ventilation shaft!
Ollie: You literally couldn't sound more public school unless you said: "Rupus got a vagina in his bum and I had sex with him when nanny wasn't looking!"
Phil: Hey, that never happened!
[later, after Malcolm's blocking of Phil]
Ollie: [to Phil] You alright there Phil? Looks like you've had one dropped down your own ventilation shaft!

Malcolm Tucker: [walks up to Phil] Ok, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking bullying?
Ollie: [to Malcolm] What are you doing?
Phil: No, what...
Malcolm Tucker: [to Ollie] Don't worry. [to Phil] Did you not know that?
Phil: No, why would I... No...
Malcolm Tucker: Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would know they came from you.
Phil: Clever.
Malcolm Tucker: And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. [Phil tries to protest] DO NOT FUCKING interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right. You breathe a word of this, to anyone, you mincing fucking CUNT, and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling Bohemian fucking Rhapsody, right!?
Phil: [nods in shock] Yeah.
Malcolm Tucker: Now, get out of my fucking sight.
Phil: Yeah. [wanders off, visibly terrified]

Peter Mannion: [Discussing Malcolm] His bark's worse than his bite. [Sees Malcolm approaching] And speaking of rabies injections...
Malcolm Tucker: I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the Robert Palmer lookalike?
Peter Mannion: Malcolm. You're looking well... for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurism?

Peter Mannion: [Answers his mobile phone] Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear?
Stewart: How's the info-pump firing?
Peter Mannion: You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on.

Glenn Cullen: Malcolm knows Mannion was here. Text reads "I know about your fucking meeting with that aging flamenco guitarist. You are NOT to go home. There has been an escalation. Get down to Number 10 ASAFP."
Nicola Murray: "F" meaning?
Glenn: 'Feasibly' I should imagine.

Nicola Murray: You haven't got any whisky, have you?
Malcolm Tucker: Sure. It's been there a while, it's still got Anthony Eden's lipstick on the bottle.

Nicola Murray: So it's Mannion. What we do? Do we go after him with... y'know, one of those things you say... like a big bum dildo of vengeance.
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, Indiana Murray and the bum dildo of vengeance. I like it.

Phil: You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are!
Ollie: (Incredulous) I'm like the man who did what - who fucked the monkey (laughs) that gave us AIDs?
Phil: That's right: you keep saying "it wasn't me, it wasn't me" and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine.

Series 3, Episode 5[edit]

[Malcolm opens a box. It contains a cake decorated with the words "Happy Birthday C*nt"]
Malcolm: This could be from anyone. [Opens the accompanying card] It's from the Prime Minister. This is Tom's idea of a joke, and he wonders why we don't let him out in public.

[Terri is ogling Peter Mannion]
Peter Mannion: The stupid one keeps staring at me.
Phil: That's because she's a mentalist and she loves you. If you ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to pull you out! Have you seen Misery?
Peter: I'm at the fucking BBC aren't I?

[Terri is continuing to ogle Peter Mannion]
Peter: [to Phil] The stupid one keeps staring at me. Could you block the view, or something?

Glenn: Do you mind? Some of us are trying to listen.
Phil: I can fill you in, Peter's tearing through her like a viking at a nunnery.
Glenn: If he's a viking, he's King Cnut!

Glenn: Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there.
Peter: Oh yes, that's very funny because of the shit-storm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand up!
Phil: "Glenn Elton". "Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!"
Peter: Sorry about the puffin.

Peter: Why isn't Emma here?
Phil: She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! He's probably crying his eyes out right now like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card!

Malcolm: [Listening to the radio] Fuck me! This is like a clown running across a minefield!

Malcolm: [Over phone to Glenn] Are you producing porn for the visually impaired? Because what I'm hearing on my radio is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked.

Terri: For the record, I have done nothing.
Glenn: Yes, that will be your epitaph Terri!

Terri: The problem is that if you say to a journalist, "Can you avoid that topic?", that's when they really go for it. It's like saying to the school bully, "I'll wet myself if you tickle me."

[Phil walks in]
Ollie: Right, you speak to me and I will pour hot coffee on your balls!
Phil: No, I don't want to fight. I just want to clear the air actually. We're like those two people on the weathercock, you know, I come out, you come in.
Ollie: You're Mr Sunshine, are you?
Phil: I'm Mr. Sunshine!
Ollie: You little wooden twat, in a little wooden house!
Phil: Oh come on! Look there's no need! We can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me, Aragorn, the true king, you, Boromir. Your horn is broken, and will be blown no more!
Ollie: This inability to talk without using Lord of the Rings metaphors is one of the very many reasons that we can never be friends.

[Ollie throws a cup of coffee at Phil's groin]
Phil: Ow! Fuck! It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm! I still win!

Malcolm: That's your fucking career over, right? Okay, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, "Tim in Ruislip", are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear.
[imitates hammering]
Malcolm: Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking...
Janice: Yeah, okay, can you stop fucking saying that, please?
Malcolm: ...FUCKING, FUCKING Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip. If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh?
Stewart Pearson: Quite, quite mad.
Malcolm Tucker: You and I need to have a word.
Stewart Pearson: [to Janice] I think he wants me to step outside.

[both exit the room, everyone else is arguing outside]

Malcolm Tucker: [to man with piercings] Right, you're on mate. Come on get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewellery and talking about your fucking Prince Albert, come on!
Stewart Pearson: He doesn't actually work here.
Malcolm Tucker: [to everyone else] Vamoose! You lot, fucking vamoose! [to man with piercings] Come on Johnny fucking Depp, get in there!
Man: Get off!
Malcolm Tucker: I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch our fucking face implode! Get in there! [in radio room] Piercings, in you go. Sit down there son, no problem, go ahead. [to Stewart] Here's the fucking thing: nobody talks about dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everyone look bad.
Stewart Pearson: Okay, I'll go with a different angle then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion?
Malcolm Tucker: That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his.
Stewart Pearson: So him paying for the private clinic was just because he's such a nice man?
Malcolm Tucker: He is a nice man! What about your nice man at central planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away, fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! Now he wasn't such a nice man was he? But I suppose that's just part of your Common Sense Checklist, yeah. All they need is a good slap, but do remember, please, not to leave your fucking rings on!
Stewart Pearson: You've got to check your facts Malcolm , that was a domestic accident and nothing more.
Malcolm Tucker: Domestic accident yeah, 'cause he's got hands the size of fucking doors!
Stewart Pearson: Oh you want to talk about hard men, Malcolm, yeah? Because I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university?
Malcolm Tucker: Oh, please, please, please!
Stewart Pearson: Am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah?
Malcolm Tucker: Listen, you know what I've got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph which I've been waiting for a fucking rainy day to show everyone, which is a photograph of your fucking shadow chancellor at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking blackface! What's his defence gonna be when I email that to the fucking Sun? "Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor!"
Stewart Pearson: Malcolm, he won't have a defence because you haven't got that picture because that didn't happen!
Malcolm Tucker: I have!
Stewart Pearson: However, I do have a statement from a rentboy-
Malcolm Tucker: Well that's very useful for you! You can claim that against your expenses can't you?
Stewart Pearson: Oh yeah, funny! Very funny!
Malcolm Tucker: And do you get that for free? Is that one of the fucking perks of your job?
Stewart Pearson: No, listen, this statement says he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to shit on his chest!
Malcolm Tucker: DON'T! Look, this is out of order, okay?

Malcolm Tucker: [to Nicola's chauffeur] You couldn't turn that over to Magic FM, could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs

Series 3, Episode 6[edit]

Ollie: How are things at the department of education education education?
Ben Swain: They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mostly because you are the Robin Hood of politics.
Ollie: Well, Robin Hood was a hero.
Ben Swain: No he wasn't! He was a bloody terrorist!

Ben: I'd have myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving-
Malcolm: What did I fucking say? What did I just fucking say, I said one at a fucking time, stand up! [Ben does not stand] I'm telling you to fucking stand up you sack of fucking cum, STAND THE FUCK UP!! [Ben stands] Fucking move. Right! [Malcolm grabs a keyboard] See that?! Fucking play with that, right?! Never mind your fucking toys, play with that! [pushes Ben towards a corner] Go stand in that fucking corner! STAND OVER THERE, RIGHT?! And DO NOT MOVE!! Or I will perform a fucking, LIVING fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!!

Malcolm: [to Ben] See, you? Get me a fucking Curly Wurly, right?

Malcolm: Right people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now!
Nicola: Oh come on, we're not in a prison drama are we?
Malcolm: We are in a prison drama. This is like The Shawshank Redemption, only with more tunneling through shit and no fucking redemption.

Nicola: [to Ben] Talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion!

Ben: [to Nicola] It's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.

Nicola: Why are you doing this?
Ben: Because I'm bored, it's funny, and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of 'why'.

Nicola: For fuck's sake, Malcolm!
Malcolm: Shouldn't that be "Of fuck's sake"?
Nicola: What?
Malcolm: Can I just quote it to you? "The Prime Minister is the right man for the moment"
Nicola: Yeah, that's what you told me to say!
Malcolm: Of the moment! Of the moment! I told you to say "Of the fucking moment!" There is a huge difference between me saying "Nicola, I'd like to go for a walk with you" and "Nicola, I'm going to make a hat out of your entrails."

Nicola: You're about as on the ball today as a dead seal.
Malcolm: Hey, that's one of my fucking lines!

Ben: [On launching Nicola's Fourth Sector initiative] It's hard to smash a champagne bottle on a turd.

[Malcolm has been informed by Terri of all the wrong decisions he's made today. Everyone is silent with fear]
Malcolm: Terri, can we have a word?
[Terri follows Malcolm fearfully into the meeting room, Ollie waves goodbye to her]

Malcolm: Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, but make sure that Ben does.

Series 3, Episode 7[edit]

[Steve Flemming enters DoSAC and greets various members of staff]
Steve Fleming:Morning! Morning DoSAC.
Nicola Murray: Bollocky bollocks. It's the Ghost of Christmas Shit.
Glenn Cullen: That's your answer, Terri. That's the man driving the bus. That's Reg bloody Varney. All stop to electoral oblivion, ding ding!
Nicola Murray: Quick, get in my office, it'll buy us a bit of time.
[They all enter Nicola's office. Steve walks along in the direction of her office]
Ollie Reeder: I've never actually seen Steve Fleming in the flesh.
Nicola Murray: You're lucky!
Ollie Reeder: For the man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman!
Nicola Murray: Look at him. Super Mario.

[The team have had their first meeting with Steve Fleming]
Ollie: What would you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder? [impersonating Steve Fleming] "Caffeinated gifts!"
Terri: Malcolm never bought us coffees. I like him!
Ollie: Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot.

Malcolm: I fucking love Ghee, it's like freebasing butter.

Ollie: [On the phone to Malcolm, who's on holiday] Andy Murray, famous tennis player also lovely scotch... person - The new face of healthy eating. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky minister lady wonders if that's alright?
Malcolm: Yeah, yeah. Andy Murray, Andy Pandy, fucking Ghandi have a hand-shandy, whatever, just fuck off out of my life.
Ollie: [Hangs up. To Nicola] The man from Hell Monte, he say "Fucking Aye!"

Malcolm Tucker: [to Steve Fleming] Ah, here he is, Bob Carolgees? How's the wee comedy dog?
Steve Fleming: Hello Malcolm! Nice holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year.
Malcolm Tucker: Well, actually, I went to Spain. I went to Malaga. I went golfing with Stephen Hawking, he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. And the best thing was I didn't have to pay for a buggy, I just sat on his lap!

[Glenn accidentally spills a box of crime figures paperwork]
Ollie: Well, that's given us an unexpected headstart. Thanks Glenn. I would kill you, but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures.

Glenn: You want us to work all through the night on this!?
Steve: It would be very much appreciated upstairs.
Ollie: Yes, well I'm an atheist.
Steve: By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way.
[Steve walks away]
Ollie: [mouthing] Well done.

Malcolm: Sam, prepare my horse. I ride to DoSAC!

Steve: Everyone knows we don't get on. We are the Gallagher brothers of politics.
Malcolm: Does that mean that I'm the semi-talented songwriter and you're the fucking loutish prick? That's a lovely analogy.

Malcolm: [knock on door] Listen, if you're not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! [to Steve Fleming] Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door, on your fucking way out please?

[reading a newspaper article on Malcolm]
Ollie: Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen. Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.
Glenn: Elderly aide? That makes me sound like a fucking stairlift!

Nicola: You're all over the papers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm.
Malcolm: Yeah, well I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip.

[Malcolm has organised some celebrity endorsements for the department]
Glenn: Well done Malcolm!
Ollie: He is very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, Chairman Mao was actually quite impressive.
Glenn: Well, that's the thing about the evil isn't it, their amazing work ethic.

Malcolm Tucker: How are the hacks?
Steve Fleming: Ready to eat their own cocks.
Malcolm Tucker: Easy, they're journalists not Rangers supporters.

[Steve Fleming returns from informing the journalists]
Malcolm: What happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? "Taxi for Tom Selleck"!
Steve: Actually Malcolm, can I have a word?
[Steve leads Malcolm into his office.]
Steve: So, Malcolm.
Malcolm: What is it? What-- What's the problem? You look like you've fucking coughed up your own twin.
[Steve says nothing. Malcolm realises that Steve has set him up]
Malcolm: No, no, no, no, no. I need to talk to Tom.
Steve: No, Tom isn't immediately available to you.
Malcolm: Fuck off.
Steve: Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously.
Malcolm: [on phone] Sam. Sam get a hold of Pat-- [call ends]
Steve: Actually, I'm gonna need that. [takes phone from Malcolm] That's an official Blackberry.
[Julius Nicholson enters the room]
Malcolm: Fuck off!
Julius: Right, your five minutes starts now.
Malcolm: Fuck off.
Steve: This is an acutely private moment Julius, would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to SHIT OFF for five minutes?
Julius: Yes it would!
[Nicola enters the room]
Malcolm: And you fuck off as well!
Nicola: Sorry, excuse me? Julius, what is the deal?
Julius: At the moment, Malcolm is getting the sack!
[pause]
Nicola: Shit! Now? Literally? I mean I'm actually in the sacking?
Malcolm: YES, WELL LET'S JUST SEE WHAT THE FUCKING PRIME MINISTER HAS TO SAY ABOUT THAT! LET'S HERE WHAT HE HAS TO SAY!
Steve: LISTEN TO ME A MINUTE, the Prime Minister, supports you, fully, in what ever you decide to do next.
Malcolm: Right, you Nicola, fucking tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call!
[Nicola says nothing]
Malcolm: SPEAK, I FUCKING ASK YOU! SPEAK! OPEN SESAME!
Nicola: I'm not-- I'm not here, Malcolm, I--
Malcolm: You are fucking here! Open your fucking mouth for once and say something!
Nicola: I'm not getting involved!
Malcolm: YOU FUCKING SPEAK! YOU'VE ALWAYS GOT FUCKING GOT SOMETHING TO SAY!
Nicola: I'm only a cabinet minister!
Malcolm: FUCK OFF THEN!
[Nicola runs off]
Steve Fleming: Malcolm! Malcolm--
Malcolm: DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME! You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! AND IF YOU FUCKING TRY AND FUCK ME, YOU'LL FIND MY FUCKING ARSE WILL FUCKING GROW FUCKING FANGS--
Steve Fleming: Right, now listen to me--
Malcolm: --AND FUCKING SNAP--
Steve Fleming: Will you listen to me!?
Malcolm: --YOU FUCKING COCK OFF!
Steve Fleming: MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?!
Malcolm: Yeah, yeah, let's here it!
Steve Fleming: LISTEN TO ME FOR ONE SECOND!
Malcolm: Go right ahead.
Steve Fleming: [gleefully] I wouldn't tell you, what i just told you, before I told the press pack, would I? no, that would be very, very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry, because the show's over! It's curtains, no curtain call. Everyone loved the show, but it just wasn't BUTTERING ANY PARSNIPS ANYMORE! Brother!
Malcolm: You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that fucking great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck!
Steve Fleming: [looks at the television behind Malcolm; a news reporter is announcing Malcolm's "resignation"] Oh look! Oh! [beat] [whispering] Malcolm Tucker resigns! Looks pretty factual to me!
Malcolm: Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you. Fuck you all.

[later]

Malcolm: WE'RE NOT FUCKING FINISHED!
Steve Fleming: You are finished though. That is what I've been trying to--
[Malcolm enters his office; Sam is upset due to the news of Malcolm]
Malcolm: OUT OF THE WAY! What are you doing to her!? [to Sam] Don't worry, Just-- [to people around her] Leave her fucking alone! [to Sam] No, no, don't worry, It's alright!

[later]

Malcolm: [to Steve] GET BAcK TO FUCKING WIND IN THE WILLOWS, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE YOU FUCKING BELONG!
Steve Flemming: I didn't ask you to--
Malcolm: WITH YOUR FUCKING--
Steve Fleming: I didn't ask you to come back in, could you leave my office please?
Malcolm: I'm not fucking wasting my breath on you! [to Julius] As for you--
Julius: Malcolm, I am sick to death-- You can explain--
[Malcolm shoves Julius into a door]
Julius: Don't touch me, Malcolm!
Malcolm: I'LL FUCKING TOUCH YOU IF I WANT!
Julius: Because I'll tell you this, man, you shafted me, boy. I'll fucking strike you Malcolm!
Malcolm Tucker: Don't you fucking touch me!
Julius: I warn you!
Malcolm Tucker: DON'T TOUCH THAT SCARF! THAT'S PAUL SMITH! Twat! MOVE! YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! YOU WILL FUCKING SEE ME AGAIN! [leaves Number 10]

Series 3, Episode 8[edit]

Man: Do you want to swim the Channel for Scope?
Malcolm: No!
Man: Wou wou want to go on Dragon's Den for Children in Need?
Malcolm: I'd rather fuck a real dragon.
Man: Would you consider promoting a political-themed restaurant?
Malcolm: How does that--how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care.
Man: Would you like to write a children's book, called "The Angry Spider"?
[Malcolm sighs in exasperation]

Steve Fleming: Pep talk, over. Return to your desks, and prepare for government.
Ollie: We're in government.
Steve Flemming: [smiling, but clearly annoyed] Well then, prepare to stay in government.
Ollie: Oh right. How do we do that?
Glenn: We pack an overnight bag.
Steve Fleming: [apoplectic] WILL YOU PLEASE FUCKING WELL-- [laughs] I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright.

Nicola Murray: Ollie! Glenn! I need you in here now. Quick!
[Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses]
Nicola Murray: Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive!

Malcolm Tucker: [At home after being sacked, Malcolm answers the phone] Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money.

[Julius Nicholson in his office one evening, trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return. They share an Indian take-away]
Julius Nicholson: Let me put it this way. See this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. See what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away.

Terri:"Give us the Bald-facts?". It's very rude that, isn't it. I was always told never to make personal remarks about people.

Terri: That is a complete disaster. There will be nothing on television for weeks now.

Ollie: He's back!
Nicola Murray: Who? Barrymore?
Ollie: No.
Nicola Murray: Clement Atlee?
Ollie: No.
Nicola Murray: Oh fuck!
Ollie: Yes.
Nicola Murray: Malcolm.
Ollie: Yes.
Nicola Murray: I was there when he was getting fired and he asked me for help and I held out. Now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? It's gonna be like "Kill Bill" or"Get Carter" only it's gonna be "Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too"!

Malcolm: Don't take that job, Nicola.
Nicola: God, Malcolm.
Malcolm: The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will bury this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking Peoples Friend.

Julius Nicholson: You are a naughty bastard!
Malcolm Tucker: [Holding up Julius' report] Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you.
Julius Nicholson: You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit!
Malcolm Tucker: Sam, no pissy biscuits.

Steve Fleming: I am gonna join Dan Miller's team, Malcolm, and we are gonna take you down! We are gonna take you down to funky town! FUNKY TOWN CENTER, HERE YOU COME! CHOO FUCKING CHOO!
Malcolm Tucker: Is this what you're threatening me with? Fucking disco lights? And a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke Steve!
Steve Fleming: [laughing] There's nothing you can do!
Malcolm Tucker: Steve!
Steve Fleming: Yeah?
Malcolm Tucker: There's one thing I can do!
Steve Fleming: What are you going to do?
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, wouldn't you like to know!
Steve Fleming: Who are you going to meet? Who's your meeting with?
Malcolm Tucker: [walking off] Bye-bye!
Steve Fleming: I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED MATE! [whilst walking down the corridor] Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!

Peter Mannion: Ah, The Fucker! And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan.

[The Opposition have their first meeting with Cal "The Fucker" Richards]
Peter Mannion: I'm sensing a change in management styles. From touchy-feely to smashy-testes.

Cal Richards: Fuck, what I really need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! [Imitating a gun] Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! But I can't, because it's illegal!

Malcolm Tucker: Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched Mandela - Fucking Nelson Mandela - walk to freedom, and said "Isn't Midsomer Murders not on the other side?"

Malcolm: Let's set fire to tears!

Cal Richards: [to an anonymous Opposition member of staff] Stop saying "Appington" to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!

[All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election]
Terri: See you Nicola! [to herself] Or not.

[deleted scene]
Cal Richards: [to all Opposition staff] Remember, this government is like gong out with Madonna; at first we think: "Result!", but now we awake to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.

Series 4, Episode 1[edit]

Terri Coverly: You're a very tidy man, aren't you?
Phil Smith: There's no happiness without order. It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.

Peter Mannion: I hate school children, they're volatile and stupid, and they haven't even got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese.

Peter Mannion: I'm bored of this. I'm going for a Twix.

Per Mannion: [to his chauffeur, when driving away from journalists] Run those fuckers over! Fifty quid for every one you maim!

Stewart Pearson: Laterz, Legislators.

Terri Coverly: I do really need a comment on this Tickell protest.
Peter Mannion: As we enter the third week I find Mr. Tickell's attention seeking tent based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.
Terri Coverly: Can't actually say that.
Peter Mannion: Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.

Peter Mannion: Sorry darling, I have to go - I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.

Phil Smith: You're getting a coffwee. Coffee with wee in it.

Peter Mannion: She's not on the FUCKING LIST!!!
[Peter enters Fergus' office]
Peter Mannion: Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list?
Fergus Williams: Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of.
Peter Mannion: Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want to waft her out of here!
Fergus Williams: My hands are tied.
Peter Mannion: Fuck you!. You're not getting in my car tonight!

Series 4, Episode 2[edit]

[Brainstorming a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public]
Ollie Reeder: You know, the people who deal with the little stuff... um... Wombles, Honest Wombles. Everyday Wombles?
Malcolm Tucker: Sorry, I've just got to take a call...
Nicola Murray: Um, 'straights' -
Ollie: No!
Nicola: No... no, of course, sorry.
Helen: Commuting champions.
Nicola: Interrailers, human interrailers.
Ollie: Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Uh, everyday superstars, all... all British supremes -
Malcolm: That sounds like a racist tribute band.
Nicola: Ordinary people, with s-... with... something special about them. With a special power.
Ollie: Please don't say special. Don't say special.
Nicola: No but - you know, but like sup... uh... people as superheroes.
Ollie: Iron People... Spider People -
Nicola: They're just regular citizens, but they have this... p - that one special quality that makes them like Batman, Batpeople. Um... Quiet Batpeople.
Malcolm: [Glaring] Quiet Batpeople?

Malcolm: Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles. Leather seats are invitation to men like him.

Malcolm Tucker: She's going to have to fall on her sword. Which means that we have to stick one in the ground, trip her onto it and get someone to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes.

Nicola Murray: Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool.
Ben Swain: Ploop.
Nicola: Sorry Ben, I missed that?
Ben: Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.

Malcolm Tucker: It's time for you to step up Ollie. What's that film that you love?
Ollie Reeder: What film?
Malcolm: The one about the fucking hairdresser, the space hairdresser and the cowboy. The guy, he's got a tin foil pal and a pedal bin. His father's a robot and he's fucking fucked his sister. Lego! They're all made of fucking lego.
Ollie: Star Wars?
Malcolm: That's the one. It's like that, where you kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big...
Ollie: Death Star.
Malcolm: The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet with the teddy bears.
Ollie: They're Ewoks.

Ben Swain: Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please?
Malcolm Tucker: Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it?

Dan Miller: I should challenge her?
Malcolm Tucker: What the fuck is this? Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Cunt?

Ben Swain: The Leader of The Opposition, Malcolm, is in that room practicing walking. I mean baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one nil down to a pony.
Malcolm Tucker: A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.
Ben: Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck About Baby Horses' is me.
[Later, watching Nicola on TV]
Malcolm Tucker: You're right, she can't fucking walk.
Ben Swain: Should we get a pony to challenge her?
Malcolm Tucker: It's not a pony! It's a fucking foal.
Ben Swain: Sorry. How d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.

Series 4, Episode 3[edit]

Stewart Pearson: When is a party not a party?
Peter Mannion: When it's at your house?

[Discussing the potential new Leader of the Opposition]
Stewart: Let's architecturialise.
Peter: Oh, please don't. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout Sweaty Swain as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Hollhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen and if it's Dan Miller, we're fucked.

Fergus: Peter, I have a bit of news I should make you aware of...
Peter: Yes, I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.
Fergus: Uh, no, actually, it's that this morning, well, I set up a community bank.
Emma: What?
Peter: You did what? You s- you set up a bank?
Phil: I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like Hugh Grant!
Fergus: Yeah, well, didn't really have much choice because it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.
Peter: What are you talking about? What economist?
Fergus: We were having a preliminary meeting when Phil was starting to cry, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!
Peter: You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy "The Big Issue" out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a FUCKING BANK!
Fergus: Peter, this is so fucking us!
Stewart: Hold on, let's just wind back, let's just get this straight so that I can deal with you two properly, how much is this bank?
Fergus: Well, uh, two billion.
Stewart: Sweet Tracy Emin!
Emma: Two billion?!
Adam: Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not paying for it. It's funded by taxes.
Emma: Oh, that's alright then!
Peter: Oh! Great, the triple! I'm a nurse killer, a banker, and now I'm raising FUCKING TAXES?!!

[Discussing Tickell's method of Suicide, i.e. using a car exhaust and a hosepipe]
Phil: Classic. The Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide...

Phil: We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean suicide - it's pathetic. At least take some of your enemies with you. That's a noble death.

[To Emma]
Peter: You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister.

Adam: It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light-sabre on his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department while Mannion's away, it's a fucking joke!
Phil: No it's not! Have you ever seen Game of Thrones Season 2?
Adam No!
Phil: Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young! Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit! They left me in charge because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok.
Glenn: Right, what is the Ewok stand on this?

Fergus: I'm in fucking charge, and I'm going Nordic drama.

[On Phil]
Terri: That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow.

Stewart: Can you send me out a crymail? We do give a toss; we're sorry for your loss.

Stewart: Let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge!

Series 4, Episode 4[edit]

Nicola Murray: Fucking fibroid polyp bitch. I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her.

Malcolm: Oh, sorry, I could come back, I didn't realise you were so fucking busy.
Ben: Well I could do some work but you know what, we're still gonna lose.
Malcolm: Hey, hey, hey! Don't be so grim you big quim!

Malcolm: I'm looking for Mr. Oliver Reeder, he looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration.

Malcolm: Come on you can't look a gift-corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the government in the face with it...a bit of slap with Tickle, yeah?

[Dan’s offered Ben the role of Shadow Chancellor]
Malcolm Tucker: Is this for real?
Dan Miller: No of course, it’s not real, Malcolm. I’ve offered him Chancellor, I may as well have offered him bass player in the Wurzels because that burly hemorrhoid’s not getting anywhere near any fucking cabinet of mine.

Malcolm: [to Ollie, on phone] What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock?

Malcolm: Here he is! The anointed one.
Dan Miller: Please, please. I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man.

Nicola Murray: You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Cause I gotta tell you I am really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now.

Series 4, Episode 5[edit]

Malcolm Tucker: [to Nicola] You are not a grandee, you are a fucking "blandee". No-one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist, no substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. And by the way, women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flat-lining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because it will fuck the government and it will fuck you. Now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in Grazia.

Stewart Pearson: Ah, Peter! Getting the old adrenaline pumping, eh? Assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton.
Peter Mannion: Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit!

Malcolm Tucker: Leaking is a fundamental part of our Governmental system! Do you know what happens if a government can't leak? Dark shit builds up. And then... it bursts.

Stewart Pearson: In the time it's taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not going to be something we can see from space, it's going to be space! Brian Cox is gonna phone me and ask for the film rights!
Peter Mannion: BUT WHAT LEAK!? WHAT LEAK!? WHAT FUCKING LEAK!?
Stewart Pearson: ANYTHING! If I find out that anyone from here has leaked anything, I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where the don't speak English, and there's no Internet!
Peter Mannion: But everyone leaked that anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea! We're just a drop in the ocean here!
Stewart Pearson: No! No! What you are Peter is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'!

[The PM has launched an inquiry into all of leaking]
Fergus Williams: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!
Adam Kenyon: [Restraining Fergus] Alright, Fergus. [Calmly] What the fuck is going on?
Phil Smith: The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!
Emma Messenger: There's going to be an inquiry!

Malcolm Tucker: When this inquiry lands, you better have developed a very flat stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you, it's your fucking cum face, isn't it?

Series 4, Episode 6[edit]

Goolding: Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker.
Malcolm: No problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week.
Goolding: There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry.
Malcolm: Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers.
Sureka: Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such, apparently, poor powers of recall.
Malcolm: Well, maybe it's just my age - good to see you back, by the way.
Sureka: [sarcastically] Thank you, nice to see you too.
Goolding: At your last appearance at the inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct?
Malcolm: Well, everyone leaks. Many, many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you.
Simon Weir: Mr. Tucker, that is an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that accusation?
Malcolm: Will you forgive me for not doing your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a 'not me guv' panto-act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk.
Sureka: At your last appearance at the inquiry, we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it?
Malcolm: Yes, I have.
Sureka: And could you tell us any more?
Malcolm: No.
Sureka: You've got no recollection at all?
Malcolm: No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime you're accusing me of. You have prejudiced this entire inquiry - therefore, it's prejudiced.
Sureka: I can see what you you're doing. It smacks of desperation and it will not work.
Malcolm: Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here.
Sureka: I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry it may result in a criminal prosecution.
Malcolm: Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're so naive you don't know how this hole works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here. You don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where you are without bending the rules. That's the way it is.
Sureka: Mr. Tucker, I'm going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number?
Malcolm: Who said I acquired it?
Sureka: A photograph.
Malcolm: No, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person who gave me the folder.
Sureka: Who gave you the folder?
Malcolm: I don't remember.
Sureka: You are being deliberately evasive.
Malcolm: ... I... I don't recall, you know, I don't know. I can't remember.
Goolding: Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media?
Malcolm: I can't recall.
Sureka: So that's not a denial?
Malcolm: Je ne remember rien.
Sureka: Well if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them.
Malcolm: Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking. Everybody's leaking! You know, everyone spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status, putting up photos of their Vajazzles. We've come to the point where there are people, MILLIONS of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to get on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skidmarks, and then complain to OK Magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information - that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, that you can judge and can ogle me like a Page 3 girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself! You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how dare you come and lay this at my door?! How dare you blame me for this?! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me.
Goolding: Are you finished?
Malcolm: I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me.
Goolding: Would you like to stand down?
[Malcolm leaves]

Series 4, Episode 7[edit]

Glenn Cullen: Come on out everyone! Tally-ho! [yodels] COME ON, BRING OUT YOUR FUCKING DEAD! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make!
Phil Smith: What is it, you got an erection?
Glenn Cullen: No, I would like to tell you all that I am resigning!
Phil Smith: Is that it?
Glenn Cullen: No, you closet Regency homosexual, that is not it! Morally, this department is in the gutter!
Fergus Williams: Thanks for the speech Glenn, but--
Glenn Cullen: [grabs a desktop lamp] YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp!
Terri Coverley: Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.
Glenn Cullen: You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed, born-to-rule, pony-fuckers!
Adam Kenyon: [to Glenn] If you're gonna go, just go! Spare us this Peter Finch bullshit!
Glenn Cullen: Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now! You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met! You were so well suited at The Mail, it's a shame you came over here! Do you know what, I hate you both! Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick! You contribute absolutely nothing to the world so THANK FUCKING GOD YOU HAVE NO POWER!
Fergus Williams: Er, we do actually!
Glenn Cullen: No you don't! And Peter, it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body!
Phil Smith This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this!?
Glenn Cullen: And Emma--
Phil Smith: Yeah, yeah! Do Emma, do Emma!
Glenn Cullen: Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard issue, insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? I don't think I've ever met someone so proud and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day!
Terri Coverley: Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.
Glenn Cullen: Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta-ta! Bye-bye!

Malcolm: Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of my magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, the fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out.
Ollie: Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that?
Malcolm: Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen says that. But you are not me, Ollie. You never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir, and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me - you?! Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I'll give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping, alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa.
Ollie: And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed.
Malcolm: Oh?
Ollie: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years. "Wah wah wah wah"! And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing! It's all a bit soft-core now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair.
Malcolm: Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me?
Ollie: Yeah. Yeah, I know you.
Malcolm: You know Jackie fucking Chan about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! I am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dim-witted compre-fucking-hension. I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then, it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of piss slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks. This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body. MALCOLM IS GONE, you can’t know Malcolm, because Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk. I am a fucking host for this fucking job. Do you want this job? Yes, you do fucking want this job. Then, you’re going to have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite. Getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do.
Ollie: Christ, Malcolm, this is like the video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out.
Malcolm: I'm as dead as fucking Two-Tone. But I can fashion my own exit.
Ollie: Oh, Christ. What, are you going to fly to Switzerland, have a wank with a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you?
Malcolm: Funny, funny man. Political exit. What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. "There he goes" they'll say, "No friends, no real friends, no children, no glory no memoirs...", well, fuck them.

[deleted scene, continuing from Malcolm's speech to Ollie]
Malcolm: Fuck them all. I will write my own epitaph, and it will read: "Yes he was a cunt, but he was a fucking dignified cunt".
Ollie: Well that's quite a strong epitaph, Malcolm, you may struggle to find a stonemason who will do it for you.

[Malcolm and his aide are running from the press and find a taxi, but it starts to drive away]
Malcolm: HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! Jesus Christ!
[The taxi slows down; they both get in and make a hasty getaway]
Malcolm: [to the taxi-driver] You ever drive off like that again and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next shit!

Stewart Pearson: You know, I've spent ten years detoxifying this party. It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of cunts.

Peter Mannion: [show's closing words] What a shit day!

Cast[edit]

The Government

Her Majesty's Civil Service

The Opposition

The Media

Former Characters

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
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