The Venture Bros. (season 2)

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The following is a list of quotes from the second season of The Venture Bros.

Powerless in the Face of Death[edit]

Life goes on after the tragic deaths of Hank and Dean in this Season Two opener. Meanwhile, the Monarch deals with life "inside."
Jonas Venture Jr.: But we're the Venture Brothers! Shouldn't we work together?
Dr. Venture: Unh. What does it take to get rid of you, you parasite? Tweezers and a match? I give you life, I give you half my stuff, I gave you the X2 for God's sake, what more do you want?! My blood? Here! Take it! Take my blood! [bends over, pointing his rear towards Jonas Jr.] or better yet, just climb right on back inside me! [pats rear] Go on! Jump back in there! Come on!
Jonas Venture Jr.: [sighs] Fine. Never mind. Just let me get my stuff from the lab and I'll go.
Dr. Venture: 'The lab'? Try my lab.
Jonas Venture Jr.: Mine, yours. What's the difference? We're the Venture Brothers! What's mine is yours.
Dr. Venture: Yeah, yeah. You're very generous with my things.
Young Hector: This Aztec calendar says today is your lucky day!
Swifty: (Mumbling) I used to be pretty. Yeah but not no more, look at my nose...
The Monarch: Hey! Hey! What the f.. Are you raping me?!
King Gorilla: No... well, I was gonna.
The Monarch: Gonna?! What the fuck, King?!
King Gorilla: I couldn't get it up.
The Monarch: AGH! [Holds hands to ears] Lalalalalalala...
King Gorilla: You're built too much like a girl! I couldn't get into it.
The Monarch: [stops 'la' -ing] What... What a... this isn't even my cell! What'd you do, take me to your place?
King Gorilla: Well I got porn here... it helps.
The Monarch: AAGH! [Puts hands back to ears as he leaves the cell] Lalalalalalala...
Dr. Orpheus: But I am, by trade, a necromancer! You know what that means, right?
Brock: Uhh, you have sex with dead people?
Dr. Orpheus: phile! Necrophile! A necroMANCER can bring the dead TO LIFE!!
Dr. Orpheus: (on whether he actually saw the boys) Saw them!? I made them a fucking MILKSHAKE!
Brock: (asked to put the immature clones back into their "incubators") I hate touching them, they feel like giant Stretch Armstrongs.
Dr. Venture: Look, if you have a clumsy child, you make him wear a helmet. If you have death-prone children, you keep a few clones of them in your lab.
Dr. Orpheus (talking to Triana about raising the dead): Stop crying, pumpkin. I've done this hundreds of times. David Blaine,Evel Knievel, both daddy's clients. As was Ronald Reagan, until he bounced a check.
Dr. Venture: [To Half-Formed Corpse] Hank! You are never to call your father a crumb-bum in front of company!
Dr. Orpheus: No shower for Byron Orpheus!
Dr. Orpheus: (to Triana) Now don't touch any of this. You could accidentally make the cat huge...or something.
King Gorilla: You and your Guild can go screw. Ten years of payin' dues and what do they do to keep me out of here when I got caught!?!
Phantom Limb: Oh, what could we do? You eviscerated and sodomized Vince Neil on national television.
King Gorilla: Hey, I only sodomized half of him! They wanted The Surreal Life, K.G. GAVE it to 'em!
Dr. Orpheus: Slow down. What about the zombies?
Dr. Venture: Oh, I call those "clone slugs" — grew those years ago from nail clippings, I think. Anyway, after the slugs have been activated, that machine...
Dr. Orpheus: Purgatory.
Dr. Venture: Whatever. That computer feeds all their nocturnally recorded memory synapses.
Dr. Orpheus: Their memories, hopes, and dreams. Their immortal souls!
Dr. Venture: You're killing me with that crap; just let me finish. That computer feeds synaptic data to their incubation beds; that information is supplemented with basic knowledge that my dad recorded for me so I didn't have to go to school; and that is why I didn't lose my virginity until I was 24.
Dr. Orpheus: That is awful!
Dr. Venture: Well, you didn't see her. It was horrific.
Dr. Orpheus: Who is your grief counselor? Mother Teresa? How can you be so nonchalant about this? My stupid talismans and I have made movie monsters from your sons!
The Monarch: Et tu, King Gorilla?
Dr. Orpheus: Wait, perhaps you can help. From your helmet I can charge you have been here long enough--
Buried-Soul Head1: Yes pilgrim, I, in life, was a personal guard to the great Caesar.
Buried-Soul Head2: Nuh uh. Liar. You choked on a popsicle stick at a Halloween party.
Buried-Soul Head1: Oh tell everyone why don't ya--
Buried-Soul Head2: Everybody knows. Why do ya think you're in hell? 'Cause ya fuckin lying.

[Dr. Orpheus is standing in a ring of candles with a shovel]

Triana: ...What're you doing?
Dr. Orpheus: I like digging. Can't a man leave his home with a shovel without an inquisition?

Hate Floats[edit]

Things return to normal in the lives of the Ventures. The Monarch confronts Dr. Girlfriend in a mall food court while his new henchmen stumble upon the Venture family shopping.
#21: Are you the bully of your school? Or the even the victim of bullying? Do you watch movies about costumed heroes and think, "Wow, that guy's a pussy. I sure hope a much cooler bad guy kicks his ass."?
#24: (unconvincingly) Wow, it's like you were reading my mind.
#21: I am not a mind reader, stranger. You, like so many others, are drawn to this sexy, action-packed lifestyle of the professional henchman.
#24: But I could never be a henchman. I am just a normal guy who is between the age of 18 and 30. A loner and lacks ties to friends and family.
#21: You, stranger, are the perfect candidate for costumed aggression.
Gang Member 1: Yo, fat boy. You get to carry a piece?
#21: But of course. Your standard Grade One henchman in service of the mighty Monarch is issued a dart gun and a grappling cannon to name only a few of the exciting accoutrements that will aid the henchman in his wonderous world of career henching.
Gang Member 2: Hey, what kind of ride we get?
#21: How does an enormous flying cocoon sound to you?
#24: Wow, a flying cocoon. I can already feel my life getting better!
Dean: I look like Santa's magic janitor.
Dean: Don't say it.
Hank: You look like the Mayor of Candy Land.
The Monarch: SHIT! Mall cops! Henchmen, retreat!
The Monarch: I am sitting in the charred remains of my once mighty, flying cocoon. Anyone... wanna explain to me why my cocoon is charred...
#24: Because you told us to destroy the cocoon.
The Monarch: And why it is sideways?
#21: We were following orders! You can't yell at us for following orders.
#24: Or kill us for following orders.
#21: Awesome! We are BACK, dude!
#24: You heard him. I'll pick you up in five. Be outside. I don't want to have to talk to your mom.
#21: Oh, I will BE there!
#21: Henchman 28! Front and center!
#28: You want me, you roll your big ass over here. And I done told you, my name is Number One!
The Monarch: There's just so many buttons... so... so many buttons!
Phantom Limb(Speaking to Brock Sampson): I have removed the bullet. And three others, a blowgun dart, two shark's teeth, a tip of a bayonet, a twisted paperclip, and a meager handful of buckshot. You may want to learn how to duck.
Brock: Not even a scar? Did you look around the nipple, or belly button? Sometimes they- they put 'em in through there.
Phantom Limb: Look, she is all woman. I have explored every supple inch of her and I have found nothing but nectar.
Brock: All right, fine. Maybe the Monarch's just better equipped.
Phantom Limb: [Referring to their Firearms] You are strapping on an ultra-light gyropack. They are only issued to top ranking Guild officials.
Brock: No, I mean better... equipped.
Phantom Limb: She was kidnapped, alright?! Kid. Napped.
Brock: Ehh, I'm just sayin'.
Phantom Limb: Let's go!
Brock: I thought for sure you were gonna hit me with "lock and load."
Phantom Limb: The night is still young!
Brock: Hey, that killer hand thing is pretty cool. Can you get me one of those?
Phantom Limb: That's all me! The outcome of a botched experiment that made me evil.
Brock: I so called that!
Phantom Limb: Well met! You did that with his own finger?
Brock: Eh, it's just one guy.
Phantom Limb: You showoff!
#21: Gentlemen, choose your weapons.
#24: Is this them?
#21: Are these they?
#24: Who talks like that?
The Monarch: Out of the way! I'm the leader here, I'll distribute the... wha. (uneasy pause) Are these they?
[The Arsenal turns out to be simply a crude collection of fan memorabilia]
#21: (proudly) Yeah, and you have to admit, it is a pretty formidable collection.
The Monarch: You fucking idiot! What the hell are we supposed to do with this crap? Make them laugh so hard they blow malt liquor out of their noses?
Dr. Venture: No, I think you'll have that covered when you storm the room in butterfly costumes.
The Monarch: Oh, ha ha ha. Nice onesie, dick. Does it have snaps in the back so you can make poopie?
#24: Whoa!! Snap! No he didn't!
Dr. Venture: This is a speed-suit, mister, not a onesie!
The Monarch: Fine. Maybe they’ll think you’re a three-year old with progeria and take pity on us!
Dr. Venture: What am I supposed to do with these, tell their fortunes?
#21: They are Magic: The Gathering cards, not Tarot cards. You can toss them at their heads. Well, you catch a corner with one of those and they'll know what hit them.
Dean: Mommy, how do you know where to go?
Dr. Girlfriend: I'm not your mommy! And I put a tracer on the Monarch when we were first dating- HANK, take this right!
Hank: I'm driving! I'm a driver!
Dean & Dr. Girlfriend: (in unison) We know!
Dr. Girlfriend: Yeah, tracer. You do stuff like that when you date super villains.
Dean: Where'd you put it? Is it in his brain? Or is it like a secret tracer tooth?
Dr. Girlfriend: No, I hid it in my mouth and I jammed it up his- (smirking) Honey, like I said, you do some pretty strange things when you date super villains.
Phantom Limb: Oh yes, apart from 'Behold-the-Giant-Walking-Death-Ray' speech, the 'Welcome-To-Hell' speech is my favorite.
Phantom Limb: You told me you never put a tracer on another man!
Phantom Limb: [To Dr. Girlfriend] He's only a man...and no man is immune to your charms.
Brock: Pfff...'No man'. I'm still looking for the scars on her.
[The Limb shoots him with a Tranquiliser Dart]
Phantom Limb: [Defensively] What? I'm a supervillain.
Hank: Who are all these people?
Dean: Are they all mommy's other boyfriends?
Dr. Girlfriend: Stop calling me your fucking mommy!
The Monarch: (to his new henchmen) The most reckless, graceless exhibition of henchmenism I've ever seen! You think you're all a bunch of hot shot young Turk 182's, don't ya? Well there are rules in this business! It's about finesse. We don't just go in, guns-a-blazing willy-nilly. And where did you get real guns anyway, huh? Those aren't standard issue! Hand them over!! (henchmen laugh) What is this, funny to you? I said hand over your firearms or I will be forced to... (henchmen raise their guns at the Monarch, #21 raises his hands up)

Assassinanny 911[edit]

When Brock is reactivated by the Office of Secret Intelligence to track down a rogue agent, he subcontracts his ex-girlfriend, the malevolent mercenary Molotov Cocktease, to protect the Venture Compound from enemies within and without.
Brock: You Colonel Gathers?
Hunter: (sounding like Hunter S. Thompson) What! Oh no you don't! (tackles Brock and sits on his chest, holding a knife to his throat) What do you want from me? Who sent you, you bastard?
Brock: Personnel! Special Agent-in-Training Brock Samson reporting for duty.
Hunter: Don't you salute me, you bastard! (stabs Brock's hand with a knife)
Brock: Ow!
Hunter: Leave that Little John-John crap back in Biloxi.
Brock: Yes sir!
Hunter: And don't sir me, damn you! You're not in the Marines anymore. This is intelligence. Start using it.
Brock: Okay, Colonel... uuh...
Hunter: Call me Hunter. Now let me get a good look at you. Good god! They're making 'em big now a days. Don't they know there's a gas crunch on?. Look at the size of you. (reads file) Samson, Brock. Born Omaha, Nebraska to a single mother. Half Swedish, quarter Polish, quarter Winnebago. You lost your virginity at fourteen, have one brother and you enjoy Motocross. (burns file with cigarette) The Brock Samson you knew and were is dead. Happy birthday, Frankenstein! You're O.S.I.'s baby now. Are you prepared to do whatever your country asks of you?
Brock: Yes.
Hunter: Can you keep your head about you when you're confronted with mind-blowing weirdness at every turn?
Brock: Yes!
Hunter: Are you ready for anything?
Brock: Yes!
Hunter: (pause) Are you still ready for anything?
Brock: Yes!
Hunter: Wrong! (smashes Brock across the knee with a metal pole) Lesson number one: trust no one. Minute God crapped out the third caveman, a conspiracy was hatched against one of them. Get up, damn you! (throws Brock a jetpack) Strap 'er on kid, your training starts now. When I'm through with you, you'll be a member of the elite agency that's been thanklessly defending this big-ass country since the second American Revolution.... the invisible one. Welcome to the Office of Secret Intelligence, Samson!
Brock: So for the next couple of days, it's yours. I'm trusting you to protect these people.
Molotov Cocktease: (scornfully) From what? Bed bugs and tummy aches?
Brock: Hey, you'd be surprised how many enemies Doctor Venture has. We get into some pretty hot situations here.
Dr. Venture: Brock, which of these looks better? The velour or the Italian knit? Oh, hello.
Brock: Doc, this is Molotov Cocktease. I hired her to watch out for you guys while I'm on assignment.
Dr. Venture: Charmed. Oh uh, and I got some iodine on this. Do you have time to get that out for me before you run off to play Cowboys and Indians?
Molotov Cocktease: Say the word and he's dead. We could be in Monaco by midnight.
Dr. Venture: Ahh, pardon?
Brock: Ah Doc, come here with me a second.
Dr. Venture: Did you check her references?
Brock: Yeah.
Dr. Venture: Oh great, she's one of your hussies isn't she? You're putting my life in the hands of a hussy.
Brock: She's a mercenary not a... hussy.
Dr. Venture: Did you have... relations with her?
Brock: Ehhh, no, I didn't.
Dr. Venture: Hmm, well then Rusty calls dibs. God, she must jazzercise night and day.
(Hank waves to Molotov)
Hank: Hi! I'm Hank!
(Molotov exhales her cigarette smoke in his face)
Brock: (sighs) You know, it's not costin' ya anything.
Dr. Venture: What is she, an intern? She getting credit for this in Murder School?
Brock: I worked out a trade. You know how Russians are goofy for American jeans? Well, I snagged a planeload of them the last time we were down in Bolivia. (he opens a hatch on the X-1 and a "manaconda" slithers out, hissing)
Dean: Manaconda!
(Molotov jumps on the manaconda's back, drawing her sword)
Dr. Venture: Alright, she's nimble. I'll grant you that. Can she close the deal?
Brock: Wait.
(Molotov slices the manaconda in half, releasing several baby manacondas)
Dean: Eww. Wo-manaconda.
Dr. Venture: Well, let's say we get you settled in. Shall I make up the fold-out couch in my dad's old study for you, or, ahh, would you be more comfortable in the master suite?
Molotov: Get something straight, I am here only as a favor to that man whose feet you aren't even fit to kiss. I am not protecting your lives, I am saving his. Because by the time he gets back, you will no longer need a baby sitter. I'm going to turn you into men.
Dr. Orpheus: So easy to lose track of matters temporal in my vocation. My apologies for the error Miss uhh...
Dr. Venture: Cocktease.
Dr. Orpheus: Oh, umm of course. How do you do?
Hank: Gee thanks for coming Dr. O., too bad you can't stay longer.
Dr. Orpheus: Well I don't really have to be anywhere.
Hank: (coldly) I said good day sir.
Dr. Venture: (to Molotov) Well, after that rigamarole I could use a night cap. Care to join me? I've been squirreling away a bottle of cooking sherry for a special occasion but, haha, heck this is cause enough to celebra... (Molotov walks off) some other time then.
Dr. Orpheus: No no, it sounds delightful. I'll get the glasses.
(Hank is removing posters from his wall)
Dean: What are you doing with Danica Patrick?
Hank: I'm over her, you want this?
Dean: Nah, not my type.
Hank: Wanna keep the Fun-Tak at least?
(Dean shakes his head no)
Dean: Whoa, not Mary Lou Retton too! What's going on with you?
Hank: (sighs) Dean, Dean. I sometimes forget that you're younger than me.
Dean: By a lousy four minutes!
Hank: Then maybe in four minutes you'll understand. It took a real woman to finally show me that these girls, fine atheletes and easy on the eye both, were but the mere crushes of a boy. And you, my friend, are looking at....a man.
Dean: (gasps) You finally got 'em?
Hank: (covering his crotch) A gentleman never asks and a lady never tells.
Dean: Why is my brother dressed like that?
Molotov: I didn't ask. I thought you two liked to dress like idiots.
Dean: Hey!
Brock: (sigh) When do we get to do somethin'?
Hunter: Stakeouts are 80% of the job, boyo. (Brock touches his fake moustache) Don't pull at that! A convincing cover is the other 20%.
Brock: (sigh) So. No women, no children —
Hunter: No women, no children. Them's rules. Separates us from the baddies.
Brock: But what if she's an enemy agent?
Hunter: Uh-uh.
Brock: An assassin?
Hunter: No.
Brock: A double-agent assassin who just killed the President.
Hunter: No sir. Non-lethal takedown only. President's not the president anyway, you know that.
Brock: Oh. Hey, how about, you know, uh... a lady Dracula?
Hunter: You mean, le vampyr? Nosferatu?
Brock: Guess.
Hunter: Undead. Not technically a woman in that regard, so you got no beef there. Also, fictitious. (Brock lifts a baguette to his mouth) Do not eat that, it's C4!
Triana Orpheus: Hey, Dean.
Dean: Triana! Thank god!
Kim: (sarcastically) Nice bod.
Dean: Thanks, I've been working out... a lot.
Triana: Hey, we came over to use the pool, is that cool?
Dean: No, it's not cool. Nothing is cool.
Triana: You seem a little weird, are you guys ok?
Dean: (whispering) She's killing us.
Dean: ...and Hank, I don't know what his deal is, it's like he's actually enjoying this.
Kim: The Scooby-Doo kid? Where'd he go?
Dean: He's swimming laps... uh oh. (Hank is unconscious at the bottom of the pool)
Dr. Venture: Listen, we kinda got off on the wrong foot, you and I, and I don't mean the one you just kicked my teeth in with, I mean earlier. So, fine. If you're not interested the one hundred and thirty five pounds of grade A American come-and-get-it, I can respect that. But, uh, we can at least be friends right? (Molotov smiles and shakes his hand) So tell me, friend, you might know this. The whole Russian mail-order-bride deal on the Internet, is that on the up and up?
Molotov: (coldly) I wouldn't know.
Dr. Venture: Because those Chinese ones are a real racket. The damn thing was already dead when the crate finally showed up!
(Hank has tongue-kissed Molotov while she performs CPR on him)
Molotov: Nyet! Ew, milk breath.
Hank: Incredible.
Dean: Hank! We've got big troubles. The Apaches are back!
Hank: What?
Dean: Look. Tepee in your trunks!
(Hanks gasps, the camera pans back to reveal his erection)
Hank: My pants are haunted! My pants are haunted!
Molotov: Do you want me, Hank?
Hank: Yes'm.
Molotov: Your father will never let us be together. He's a big old doodyhead who wants me all to himself.
Hank: He's a jerk!
Molotov: Yes, Hank, he is. But what are you going to do about it? (she reveals her breasts, which are in fact duplicates of Hank's head)
Hank-head breast-beasts: Kill pop! Kill pop! Kill pop! You should totally kill pop.
Hank: Father...
Dr. Venture: Yes, Hank?
Hank: I want to kill you...
Dr. Venture: That's nice. Play pirate somewhere else, boy. Your father's busy.
Molotov: Hank, nyet!
Hank: Molotov... I want to... oh baby!!!
[Brock discovers a plastic surgeon is turning Hunter into a female, starting with enhanced breasts]
Brock: Whu - What the Hell did you do to him?
Plastic Surgeon: (German Accent) Only whad she azked me to do!
Brock: This man was like a father to me!
Plastic Surgeon: Well, zink of ziss woman as, like, a mother to jou.
[Brock screams, picks him up by the collar and begins to slap him]
Plastic Surgeon: Your mother! [Slap] Your father! [Slap] Your mother! [Slap] Your father! [Slap] He-he's your muh-mother and your fuh-father... [Collapses into tears]
Brock: Where's Hank?
Dr. Venture: Up in his room. Our little man is grounded.
Brock: What'd he do?
Dr. Venture: Get this, I'm working in the lab, right? And Hank sleepwalks in, hauls off and smacks me in the head with a papier-mache sword, pees his pants and passes out.
Brock: So, I didn't miss much?
Dr. Venture: Pfft. What's there to miss?

Escape to the House of Mummies Part II[edit]

Team Venture find themselves trapped in the clutches of a bloodthirsty Egyptian cult and their time machine. Doc narrowly escapes and teams up with Master Billy Quizboy and Pete White, but promptly forgets to mount a rescue. So it's up to Brock and a pantheon of history's greatest men to find another way out.
(Brock and Hank have just found Dean's disembodied head inside a small pyramid frame)
Brock: What happened?
Hank: Yeah Clarissa, explain it all
Dean: That guy with the bird head, he has this mummy army, and one of the mummys has a magic scepter. Don't move Hank, he's right behind you!
Hank: What? Yep. That's just Mummy-Mum-Muggy. He's a good mummy, Dean-o. Right? Muggy friend. (scratches the mummy's chin) Muggy like his chin rubbed. Who's a good mummy?
Brock: Hank, get your brother's head and follow me. There has to be a way out of here.
Hank: Muggy might know! (continues scratching Muggy's chin) Where's the exit? Tell us boy. (Muggy's head, except for the lower jaw, falls off)
Brock: This is getting stupid! Where the hell is your father?
The Master: Orpheus, you are my best and brightest pupil, even if you do taste a little salty. You're ready, Orpheus. Now get the hell out of this closet and go win that incredibly gay contest! Go! Go!
Osiris High Priest: Created by Tam, the self-created, hatched by the same egg which emerged Ra, behold the Perfect Man! Praise he who will reign over all!
[Perfect Man is sucking his foot]
Dr. Venture: That's very impressive. Looks like he hates his foot.
Osiris High Priest: Oh, still?! He's been doing that all day!
Dr. Venture (to Dean, riding on The Perfect Man's back): Dean, stop riding the 'Perfect Man'. Brock has to kill him now.
Dean: Aww, can't we keep him?
Hank: Yeah, dad, can't we? We'll feed the Perfect Man and clean up after him and everything! Super swear! Please??
Dr. Venture: No. He's an abomination. Go ahead, Brock.
[Brock walks forward carrying a machete]
Goggle Guard 1: I have more bullets you know. You gotta stop doing that.
Goggle Guard 2: I know, it just looks so cool...
Goggle Guard 1: Well go get it!
Goggle Guard 2: Fine.
Osiris Priest: Give me the Hand of Osiris!
Dr. Venture: Give me head.
Osiris Priest: You didn't just say that!
Dr. Venture: I absolutely did. What are you gonna do about it?
Osiris Priest: (confused) I'm... about to kill your sons.
Dr. Venture: Join the club!
Osiris Cultist: Ooh yeah, of course, OIL. Yeah, it makes sense now. Thought you told me to fill it with hot voile.
Osiris High Priest: Wh-What the hell is voile?
Osiris Cultist: It's a soft, sheer fabric. I warmed some up in the dryer.
Osiris High Priest: What the.. are you insane? What kind of torture is that? Get out of here! I'm serious, I don't even want to LOOK at you any more!
Dr. Venture: Hank! Get off those spikes. It's not a ride.
Hank: Awwww.
Brock: I gotta admit I always wanted to get Edgar Allan Poe in a headlock. That thing is like a pumpkin!
Dr. Orpheus: (answering phone) Dr. Orpheus, master of mysticism.
Dr. Venture: Uh...Orpheus, it's your landlord. We're trapped in a cliché. Use your fake impossible magic to get us out of here.
Dr. Orpheus: TRICKS?! How dare you! With just a thought I could rise into the air.
Dr. Venture: OR you could put on these anti-gravity boots.
Dr. Orpheus: I could incinerate this entire lab, make you believe you are a very special episode of Blossom, and shoot lightning from my hands!!!!
Dr. Venture: Ooh! Laser ray, mind control helmet, Tesla coil. Anything else?
Dr. Venture: Fine! 8 o'clock tomorrow, right here! The smallest man is the biggest man.
Dr. Orpheus: Fine! Good day, sir.
Dr. Venture: Good blah-blah, sir!
Dr. Orpheus: And I wouldn't bother looking for that shrink ray your father built. You sold it to the albino and his tiny companion. Ta-ta.
Dr. Venture: Crap...
Brock 1: (formulating a rescue plan) Hank, you and Caligula keep up the rear. (Caligula moans happily and hugs Hank) On second thought, you and Freud should do it. Caligula, you take the second wave alone. Ready Dean?
Dean: (with the body of a mummy, riding on the back of the bucking 'Perfect Man' and holding two shotguns.) Woah, steady, perfect man. Ready Brock!
Brock 1: When the gates open me, Poe, and me, (pointing to himself from the past) rush in. You got that? (Poe gives the thumbs-up)
Brock 2: You're going to kill him when he shows up, aren't ya?
Brock 1: Oh, you know it.
Both Brocks: (raising their machetes) Charge!
Triana Orpheus: (entering her room, where Orpheus is opening her closet door to reveal a supernatural portal) I knew it!
Dr. Orpheus: (flustered) Pumpkin! What are you doing in... your room? Shouldn't you be... not in your room?
Triana:My whole life I've been afraid of that closet! There's always these weird lights and something that smells like a burning Band-aid.
Dr. Orpheus: Brimstone. Okay fine, porthole to the burning nowhere, you got me.
Triana: Dad! I thought I was going crazy! I mean, I'm still afraid of the closet! Still! I wear the same thing every day because of that closet!
Dr. Orpheus: Well, how was I to know?! Come now, Archie and his indolent companion Jughead wear the same clothes every day. I thought it was an adolescent phase of yours.
Triana: Great. My closet is the door to hell.
Dr. Orpheus: The Necropolis. A porthole to the Necropolis. It had to be on the south side of the apartment, and since you had to have a private bathroom... oh, this is never... (he seizes her head) SLEEP!!
The Master: Look, Orpheus, I know why you're here, and I chose the form of Argos to teach you a little lesson.
Dr. Orpheus: Don't you mean Cerberus? Correct me if I'm wrong, but Argos was Ulysses' dog. He had only one head.
The Master: See? See? There you go, right there. That's what I'm talking about. You're a know-it-all, and no one likes a... (one of his heads begins to lick his crotch) Wait, hold on a sec.
Dr. Orpheus: I only know that I know nothing.
The Master: Way to quote something I said like a year ago. But I'm serious, hold on. This other head likes to clean my genitals with his mouth. I know it sounds weird, I let him do it because it feels great. Oh yeah. The problem is that I can taste it. So, I taste my own genitals. In my mouth. It's a... conundrum.
Dr. Orpheus: Master, what bearing does this...
The Master: Hey, will you let me enjoy this? Damn, do you know how good this feels? Oh no, wait, I'm sorry. Your wife left you because you DON'T know how good this feels!
Master Billy Quizboy: (questioning why anyone would want to break into their trailer) It's industrial espionage, you've come to steal our great ideas. You've been foiled; we have none!
Master Billy Quizboy: Don't look at me! I have not lived enough for I have not tasted the flower of a woman.
Pete White: What do you mean?
Dr. Venture: You haven't tasted a flower? Is that a direct metaphor?
Pete White: Because I don't take many trips down south myself.
Master Billy Quizboy: You guys are disgusting. No, I mean I haven't sampled the fruits of the fairer sex.
Dr. Venture: What's with the poetry Wordsworth? Just say it. Say I am a virgin!
Pete White: I knew it!
Dr. Venture: Billy, that makes you the best canidate to take a ray blast. You have nothing to lose. You've never done anything. The way I look at it, it's not even murder. It's a very late abortion.
Pete White: I vote Billy!
Dr. Venture: Seconded. Alright virgin, get on the target!
Dr. Venture: Well at least you hit this time. Anything happen?
Pete White: Nah. Nothin'. I told you the phosphates were too old.
Master Billy Quizboy: No... It worked. You shrank my lungs!

(Dr. Venture farts and laughs)

Pete White: Woah! Rusty!! Hoo, man!!!
Master Billy Quizboy: White, I can't breathe over here!!
Dr. Venture: It's gonna get worse! You remember that sound my chair made a second ago? That wasn't the chair.
Pete White: It'll be over there in a minute, Billy. Oh, think deviled eggs.
Master Billy Quizboy: I hate you guys...

Twenty Years to Midnight[edit]

In the middle of spring cleaning, Brock's discovery of a lost videotape from Jonas Venture Sr. sets Team Venture off on a global scavenger hunt for the hidden pieces of a fantastic and potentially deadly machine. But to save humanity from a terrible fate, they'll have to overcome death, drug addiction, Jonny Quest and Professor Impossible--all under the watchful eye of the mysterious Grand Galactic Inquisitor.
Dr. Venture: (seeing the Inquisitor for the first time) Ladysmith Black Mambazo!!!
Dean: (while going through a box of Dr. Venture's old things) Ah, neat! You wrote a fan letter to the Herculoids when you were ten? (Hank snatches the letter away from Dean) Hey!
Hank: Hey, horses! (reads letter) It's not a fan letter, he calls them hippies for not fighting in Vietnam. (The Grand Inquisitor snatches the letter) Hey!
Grand Galactic Inquisitor: IGNORE ME!
Brock: What're you doing here?
Captain: Yeah, well -- you never seemed to use the boat, so... I kinda started sleepin' here. Only a couple nights a week at first. You try findin' a job with nothin' on your resume but fake ghost pirate--
Brock: Get to the point!
Captain: Yah yah! Geez. Anyhoo... I wakes up one day and there's this little fella standin' there. And he tells me it's his boat now, on account a'yer pa 'et him up when he was wee! He hired me on as the ship's captain! So really, it's kinda more my boat than yours at this point.
Captain: Jesus Jones! (pause) Ah, now there was a band.
Dr. Venture: (waking up from a bizarre dream) Oh, I thought I was done with those crappy dreams.
Grand Galactic Inquisitor: That was a weird one.
Venture: Great, you can read my mind.
Grand Galactic Inquisitor: IGNORE ME! (pause) Yes, I can.
Hank: (upon entering Colonel Horace Gentleman's private chambers) Are you t'home?
Dean: Check this out. (reading Colonel Gentelman's journal) Dear diary, another dreary party at the Frosts' Flat, but oh the bitches were in rare form tonight!
Hank: Skip ahead. Maybe later he talks about grandpa's thing.
Dean: Wait, there's some kind of a list. Could be a clue! ""(continues reading) Toys Colonel Gentleman wishes he had when he was a lad but weren't invented yet: Micronauts, The Scooby-Doo Monster Game, Which Witch, AT-AT Imperial Walker, Stay Alive: The Survival Game...
Hank: What is that, code?
Dean: (after reading Colonel Gentleman's journal) "Colonel Gentleman's good names for an imaginary friend." "Colonel Gentleman's Hollywood actresses who need a smack in the mouth" They go on and on. This is a crazy person's diary.
Jonny Quest: Are you cops?
Dr. Venture: Sally, there's something I need you to do for me before we go off and live happily ever after.
Sally Impossible: Oh Dr. Venture, anything! Just do one thing for me. Pinch me, because I must be dreaming! I can't believe you're really here!
Bum: It's okay, lady. I see him too!
Brock: (sighing with disgust) This is just wrong, man, even for you. Look at her!
Dr. Venture: I have watched you pull a man's eyes from his head and make him dance like a marionette with his own optic nerves!
Brock: At least I didn't break his heart.
Dr. Venture: You don't know that.
Prof. Richard Impossible: You see, Dr. Venture, I found the piece your father hid in the foundation years ago. Then I thought about you in physics class. You were a daydreamer, a sass-mouth, and, not infrequently, a bit of a gigglepuss. Somehow I doubt twenty years of amphetamines and failure have done anything to improve that.
Grand Galactic Inquisitor: Someone left a baby! (after a pause, he reluctantly picks up Rocket)
Rocket: (babbles)
Grand Galactic Inquisitor: IGNORE ME!
Prof. Impossible: Please! This is important!
Sally Impossible: What could be more important than your family, Richard?
Prof. Impossible: (baffled by the question) Sssssss-science?
Prof. Impossible: (as Brock bolts his cheek to a wall) Of all the intolerable bugaboos!
Grand Galactic Inquisitor: (exiting a taxi) Good news, sample subjects of Earth! The glorious moment of judgment is upon you!
Taxi driver: Hey! It's eight-twenty on the meter, stretch!
Grand Galactic Inquisitor: IGNORE ME!
"Jonas Venture": Oh, Rusty. You were never alone. Those stars... well, okay, you can't see them right now because we're in the city, but those stars, they're always watching us.
"Jonas Venture": I took the form of your dad because I figured it would be easier to accept. I didn't want to stress you out—end of the world, life on other planets, blah blah blah.
Dr. Venture: Why...you SON-OF-A-BITCH! Do you know what you just put me through?! What the fuck were you thinking?! What kind of fucked-up planet are you from, where you think showing up as my dead fucking father is supposed to make me feel any better?!
"Jonas Venture": Okay, take it easy...
Dr. Venture: You prick!
"Jonas Venture": Look, I just saved your entire planet...
Dr. Venture: Prick!
"Jonas Venture": Alright, fine, you wanna see? Here! (Peels off his face, revealing his true self, which is shown offscreen, but horrifies everyone else) There! That would have been better? If I showed up like that out of nowhere? Look at you! You practically crapped your pants! Except him, he crapped his pants! (points to Ned)
Ned: Boom boom.
Sea Captain: (Upon watching Jonas Venture Jr and Mrs. Impossible meeting) Hoo-ah, you can almost hear the old humpbacks a-callin'.

Victor. Echo. November.[edit]

Phantom Limb and Dr. Girlfriend agree to a civil double date with The Monarch and some girl he met on LiveJournal in order to discuss The Monarch's official re-entry into the Guild of Calamitous Intent. Team Venture then become the unwitting pawns in a low-grade pissing contest when Phantom Limb sics the Guild's commandos on them to prove his dominance.
Phantom Limb: Rembrandt van Rijn — a hundred fifty years ago, Delacroix said of Rembrandt that his works would be held higher than those of Raphael. His blasphemous prophecy came true within fifty years, and this one could be yours for the pittance of 10 million, American.
Mafioso: No, I want the Mona Lisa.
Phantom Limb: Look, the Mona Lisa's not a better painting, it's merely a more famous one, and it was made more famous because it was stolen. And this was stolen, so...
Mafioso: What about her, ah, famous smile?
Phantom Limb: Whatever. She looks like a horse! It's - it's tiny, you know? Th-the thing is like this big.
Mafioso: Really?
Phantom Limb: Yes, really. So this is cheaper. By the... by the foot.
Phantom Limb: Oh fuck... great, I think I killed him.
The Monarch: #24, ready the Monarch-Mobile! Your leader has a date.
#24: We kinda...don't have a Monarch-Mobile anymore.
The Monarch: Why the hell not?
#24: We ditched it.
#21: You know, the heat was on us after that Venture Brother thing, so we thought...
The Monarch: Alright fine, what are our options?
#24: We can take my Nissan Stanza.
#21: Oh, shotgun, called! Totally!
The Monarch: What color is it? Is it diabolical? Or at least butterfly colored?
#24: It's powder blue. Mostly.
The Monarch: Great. 21, what do you drive?
#21: His powder blue Stanza.
Dr. Venture: Lab shmab, I'm finished with work for today. No, I wanted the boys away because I made a discovery of the... non-scientific kind.
Brock: What'd you find? Are you okay?
Dr. Venture: Oh, I'm more than okay. While perusing TV guide, I found a little - shall I say - flick, starring a one miss Dolly Parton, meow. Yeah, it seems she made a racy film called The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.
Brock: Yeah, Doc, you're uh... gonna be disappointed there...
Dr. Venture: Don't ruin it for me. I have popcorn popping and the VCR set for stun! You wanna watch it with me?
Brock: Nah, I'm cool. I gotta drive the boys to dinner.
Dr. Venture: Oh, I get it! Yeah, those kind of films are meant to be watched solo a mano.
Brock: Yeah, that's it.
Dr. Orpheus: I have been attempting to stave off this awkward, yet necessary conversation.
Triana: Please. Dad.
Dr. Orpheus: This is my duty!
[Triana giggles]
Dr. Orpheus: What is funny about my duty? You know I take my duty quite seriously.
Triana: You said... [laughs] Never mind.
Dr. Orpheus: I share your nervousness, but there are certain facts that a father must impart to his daughter on occasions such as this- Oh yes, 'doody', clever.
Triana: Daaad.
Dr. Orpheus: Hear me out! [clears throat] When young women reach estrus, the, uhh, lignum, ummm, craves theeee stamen-like skills of the yonie. This is quite natural.
Triana: Dad. Come on. I'm doing you a favor.
Dr. Orpheus: Yes, yes, Mr. Venture has been kind enough to give me some leeway with the rent if I get the boys, as he says, 'out of his hair' for the evening. But as you know, tonight I teach conjuring at the new school.
Triana: It's not a problem. Kim and I could use a free dinner.
Dr. Orpheus: It's just that boys at their age have unchecked desires coursing, nay raging as a tempest would! Through their tingling nethers!
Triana: Come on, Dad. I'm going on a date with... the Venture brothers.
Kim: So, are the Venture Brothers cute?
Triana Orpheus: Well, Dean...he's kinda cute. He dresses like Buddy Holly.
Kim: That's pretty cool.
Triana Orpheus: Yeah, but I think he does it accidentally.
Kim: What about my date?
Triana Orpheus: Hank? Well, he's blonde and more...like, athletic.
Kim: Sounds good. How does he dress?
Triana Orpheus: Like Fred from Scooby-Doo.
#21: Put in my mix tape; it's right on the dash. It's the one that says, Chillin' with My Peeps and My Main Man, The Monarch.
The Monarch: We have to stop and pick up my...date.
#21: I thought Dr. Girlfriend was going to be there.
The Monarch: Yes, with that dick, Phantom Limb. I plan to use the never-fail strategy of jealousy!
#24: Who's your date?
The Monarch: I met her on the LiveJournal, which I kept in prison. I have been blogging! After posting an especially attractive picture of my prison-sculpted abs, she commented that I was not only 'f0ine', I was 'teh sex', whatever that means...
Dean: Any advice, you know, this being our first big date and all?
Brock: Yeah. (Throws corsage from Dean's lap out the window)
Dean: No?
Brock: No. Don't pull out her chair, kiss her hand, or anything like that — it's kind of dorky. Just be yourself. Wait, here, take this (his wallet). It's got plenty of money in there, and it doesn't have a cartoon bee on it. Don't let them pay for anything, and if you end up going to, like, a movie or something, you call me on the two-way, okay?
Hank: What about me? Any advice to help me score with my mystery date?
Brock: Yeah, don't say "score" or anything close to "mystery date" in front of her, and don't do that "do you like seafood" joke either.
Hank: Can do, 'cause she would totally know that joke already.
Dean: THEY'RE HERE!
Hank: Dude, sit down. You have to play it cool. Observe how I scope out my mystery date whilst I pretend to look at my watch. (Sees Kim with Triana walking in) Holy moley, look at my date! She's a supervillain, possibly a Medusa. Dean, I am not kidding, she has rope for hair and a shiny costume. Aw, not fair, she's wearing goggles! Told you she would dig my Batman suit, but NO!
The Monarch: (sighing) Jollyrancher82, never get henchmen.
Jollyrancher82: You know, that's not my real name.
The Monarch: Well, how was I supposed to know? I used my real name.
Jollyrancher82: I just thought, you know... "The Monarch," I thought you were into cosplay...
The Monarch: Real name! And I am into costumed business, not costumed play. (seeing Dr. Girlfriend walk in) Shit! They're here! Fawn over me! Treat me as if I were candy!!
Jollyrancher82: Wow, she's gorgeous.
The Monarch: She is heat incarnate. When I met her, she looked like that girl Saffron from the band Republica. She had those red streaky things in her hair.
Jollyrancher82: I heard that she was (whispering) kind of manly.
The Monarch: That's ridiculous, who would say such things? The woman is a delicate flower. That chode she's with, that's Phantom Limb. When he was in college, he was a scrawny little wuss. In a desperate attempt to be cooler than guys like me, he had his 12-year-old roommate create a machine that speeds up the muscle building process. The machine worked so well that every molecule in his extremities was accelerated beyond the speed of light. There were two side effects. One! He could mess up a guy just by touching him. And two! He became a humorless dick!
#24: (on Phantom Limb) How do you think he floats like that?
#21: Well, he's not floating — his legs are invisible.
#24: What?
#21: Yeah. He used to be a good guy, actually. When he and Billy — that, you know, weird midget who won a bunch of money on Card Sharks — invented a time machine, he became a villain; and the way I heard the story is that the time machine was, like, broken or something, so Phantom Limb's arms and legs and Billy's hand were sent forty years into the future.
#24: I loved Card Sharks.
#21: It's a great show.
Kim: Wow, that guy's, like, just a torso.
Hank: Yeah, that's Phantom Limb. I don't think he professionally hates my dad, but he totally hates my dad. I think he used to be a famous magician. And one time, while performing for the Queen of England, he accidentally made his arms and legs disappear. They are now on the Moon with a bunch of rabbits and doves and...and playing cards and pretty assistants and some milk.
Dean: Never happened.
Hank: Did. I also heard he sliced off a kid's hand and ate it. Yeah, it was that big-headed guy that operated on your balls, Dean.
Dean: HANK, don't you have to go to the bathroom?
Hank: Whoa, what are you, psychic? I totally do — weird. Well ladies, it seems that young Dean here needs an escort to the bathroom. If there's any trouble, you just give the Hankinator a holler.
Phantom Limb: I need an immediate Blackout: 4 and a robot. Syndicate number: Victor. Echo. November. Seven. Niner.
Watch: Roger. Dispatching Blackout team now. (looks over at Ward whose playing with mp3 player) What are you doing?
Ward: I hate that song.
The Monarch: Hm. "Niner." Nice touch.
Dr. Venture: (about "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas") Brock, I am this close to seeing Dolly's goods. I mean, they can't sing forever. Honestly, this nonsense happens once a week. I'm not gonna... Why are you naked?
Brock: To prey on their fear, move like an animal, to feel the kill.
Dr. Venture: Alright, now you're scaring me. What's going on?
Brock: I dunno. (holding the decapitated head of a guild henchman) But judging from these goggles, it's The Guild. Seems like you made it to the big league, what'd you do?
Dr. Venture: Nothing! I was just sitting here, watching the worst porno ever. Is that a head?
Brock: We might not win this one. You get to the panic room!
Dr. Venture: Okay. Just let me finish peeing on myself...
Dr. Girlfriend: Well, isn't this wonderful? My favorite part was when you (Phantom Limb) decided to kill the Venture family. No, wait, it was when your (The Monarch) fake date ran off crying. Come on, Monarch, how old was she? ("Jollyrancher82")
The Monarch: Will you look at me? I'm in a fucking evil butterfly costume! What age group do you think is going to be attracted to me!?
Dr. Girlfriend: Super. Well, if you gentlemen will excuse me, I'm going to powder my nose or whatever the cliche is.
The Monarch: Hoooo, nice one! Look what you did.
Phantom Limb: Yeah, I did that.
Brock: Strange, you almost can't feel it. No, don't move. The knife is still in you, the blade right between the kidney and the spleen, just a twitch...
Guild Stranger: It feels almost...cold...
Brock: You tell me your target and I slide the knife out. You might live. Or-
Guild Stranger: Blackout. Four and a robot.
Brock: Good boy.
Guild Stranger: I think you may have got the kidney. I don't want to die alone. (cough) Don't...don't go.
Brock: I don't think I hit your kidney...
Guild Stranger: No you...no you totally did. (cough) Please... please hold me...
Brock: Look, I'm pretty sure I missed the kidney, I mean you could bleed to death in like four hours, but uh...
Guild Stranger: I-I see a tunnel. I'm scared. Could you... could you stroke my hair?
Brock: All right, look, you are not gonna-
Guild Stranger: Then could you sing to me? Could you sing a Technotronic song? Maybe... "Pump Up The Jam"?
Brock: I don't know-
Guild Stranger: What about "Move This"!? Do you know that one!?!?
Brock: (sigh, then starting to sing) Baby, let me...
(Dean tells Hank he has a stain on his pants)
Hank: What? Ahh, come on!! Why does that happen? I shook it so hard I almost hit that pink puck.
Dean: Well, did you dab?
Hank: What?
Dean: Dab. Did you dab?
Hank: Uhh... no.
Dean: I dab.
Hank: Well I don't.
Dean: You should dab.
Hank: Stop saying dab!
Dr. Venture: (weak from blood loss) If you don't come save me, I'm going to fire you Brock.
Brock: (over the radio) You gotta try to hold on, Doc! I'll be back soon!
Dr. Venture: Brock... You're fired...
The Monarch: (sighing) Steak fries... always soggy.
(Dean attempts to put out the fire on Hank's crotch in the bathroom)
Hank: Dude! Stop wailing on my junk! Throw water on it!
Dean: No way! That's what started this!
Hank: Well, then take it easy! Just dab. Dab it!
#24: (looking from stall) I can't believe it's hard to kill these two.
#21: (on the toilet) Don't talk to me. If I push any harder, I'm gonna pop a gasket.
Phantom Limb: Blackout Target Victor Echo November Seven Niner is in Daddy's lap. Repeat, in Daddy's lap. Call off Blackout team. Daddy is going to put the boys to bed... himself. (earpiece chatter and sighs) Yes, I'm going to kill them. It's a very simple metaphor.
Watch: Copy, Big Daddy. (looks over at Ward who's STILL fiddling with his mp3 player) What... just play something!
Ward: How many Yaz albums do you have on here?
Kim: Can I ask you a question?
Dr. Girlfriend: (sighs) Yes, I belong in here; I just have a deep voice.
Kim: Okay. Can I ask you another one?
Dr. Girlfriend: Yeah, sure.
Kim: What color lipstick is that?
Dr. Girlfriend: "Pink Poodle". It's a MAC color. They give a Guild discount. You're in the Guild. Aren't you?
Kim: I don't know what the Guild means.
Dr. Girlfriend: Tell me about it. I don't know anymore myself. So, do you work, uh, single, number 2 a man?
Kim: Um, I don't really have a guy.
Dr. Girlfriend: Well, let me give you my card, I like your look. Yeah, I've had it up to here with men and I think we'd make a nice team. Call me.
Kim: Did you see that? That woman just totally hit on me.
Triana Orpheus: She wasn't hitting on you. Read the card.
Kim: Oh my god! I knew it. She's a supervillian, that is so cool! She thought I was a bad guy, I am so gonna to do this.
(Brock jumps through the bathroom window)
Dean: Naked!
(Brock sneaks up behind #24 and #21 in the bathroom stall and puts a knife to Number 24's throat)
#21: Holy crap!
#24: Whatever it is we didn't do it!
Brock: I believe you. Stay here, don't do anything, you understand?
#24: Yes sir, yes I understand sir.
#21: Well on the upside, finally dropped one.
#24: Yeah, me too.
(Brock appears in the next bathroom stall and puts a knife to The Monarch's throat)
The Monarch: Hello, Brock. (clears throat) I was wondering when you would show up. I had nothing to do with this. Phantom Nimrod was showing off in front of my girlfriend, I told him.
Brock: Alright, stay out of this one.
The Monarch: No duh. He's in the next stall. Hey, how's that dickweed boss of yours?
Brock: Don't push it!
The Monarch: Mmmm... nice ass, Samson.
(After a dramatic pause, Brock and Phantom Limb shake hands)
Brock: Ha ha ha, for a minute there I thought you were gonna do your killer hand thing.
Phantom Limb: So did I.
Kim: I'm gonna be a supervillain.
Hank: Yeah, I'm gonna be Batman!
Venture Bros.: Go Team Venture! (They do hand signal in the air)
Triana Orpheus: Dude, I warned you.
Kim: I think I just found my first archenemies.
Dr. Venture: (about Billy's hand) How'd that happen anyway?
Master Billy Quizboy: That's an excellent question. I have no idea.
Master Billy Quizboy [After re-attaching Dr. Venture's arm]: Oh yeah, it's a musical. you never get to see anything! Well, you're good as new, Dr. Venture. Don't lift anything for a while or your arm might fall off.
Dr. Venture: Really?
Master Billy Quizboy: No, I'm joking. But seriously, don't lift anything for a while... because your arm could fall off.

Love-Bheits[edit]

The Ventures crash land in Ünderland. Baron Ünderbheit captures them, obsessed with taking revenge on Dr. Venture, but mistakes Dean for a woman. Brock, Hank, and Dr. Venture are meanwhile rescued by Catclops and Girl Hitler's underground resistance group.
Dr. Venture: Henry Alan Venture! Are you hearing this? What do you have to say for yourself?
Hank: (in a low voice) I am the Bat.
Dr. Venture: Yes, yes, you're "The Bat!" And the Bat is the reason we didn't take best costume, mister, again! Last year it was Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion and "The Bat!" Oh and how about the time we were the hard rocking quartet of Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Ace Frehley, and the Bat?!
Hank: The night is mine!
Dr. Venture: Sell it somewhere else, Hank. It's not me you should be apologizing to. Poor Brock spent a month sewing his group theme appropriate costume.
Hank: (normal voice) That's probably why he won best costume.
Dr. Venture: What, is that sass I hear? (sarcastically) Oh, look everybody! Hank's back!
Hank: Ow!
Dean: What's the matter?
Hank: My tongue keeps getting caught in the mouth slit.
Dean: Don't stick it in the slit then.
Hank: I can't help it! It's maddening.
Manservant: He's here, your graciousness!
Baron Ünderbheit: Who?
Manservant: Dr. Venture, your...
Baron Ünderbheit: Say it again and it will be your last... time... saying his name.
Baron Ünderbheit: Ooh, my sweet little Rusty, how many years have I longed for this moment? How many years has it been since... COLLEGE!?!
Baron Ünderbheit: Say hello to goodbye, Dr. Venture!
(The X-1 is going down)
Hank Venture: (in the fetal position)I'm the bat I'm the bat I'm the bat I'm the bat...
Dr. Venture: Lock down auxiliary power!
Brock: Gotta make it to the border!!
Dr. Venture: Chewie, lock down auxiliary power!
(The X-1 is crash landing)
Dr. Venture: Minefield, minefield!
Brock: I SEE IT!!
Dean Venture: Everybody into the black box! It's indestructible!
(after the X-1 crashes)
Dr. Venture: Yeah, pretty sure my scoliosis is going the other way now.
Hank: My butt won't stop making a fist!
Dean: At least you have one.
Dr. Venture: You're blessed with your father's ass, Dean. Learn to love stadium cushions. I told you to lock down...
Brock: We don't have auxiliary power!!!
(Brock Samson has just handed Doctor Venture a tooth containing arsenic)
Brock: Don't take all of it.
Doctor Venture: Or else what? I'll accidentally overdose on poison?
(Hank scouts around the corner and sees several Underland Guardsman. He silently gives Brock a complex series of commando-style code gestures)
Brock: You have no idea what that means, do you?
Hank: Sure I do!
Brock:You're just having fun with your hands, aren't you?
Hank: No...

(After defeating Ünderbheit's guards, Hank finds one still alive)

Hank: Brock! Questioning?
Brock: That's the one.
Hank: (grabs the guard) WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR? (guard spins and locks Hank) Ow!
Brock: We know that part, Hank. Like this. (grabs guard's groin, guard screams in pain) Where's the wedding be held? Talk!
Ünderbheit Guard: Go ahead! The pain will be nothing compared to what the master will do to me if I betray him! (Brock clenches tighter, screams more) This is still nothing compared to what the master... (Brock appears shocked) What?
Brock: ...Nothin'.
Ünderbheit Guard: No, what?
Brock: I, uh... I don't- I don't know how to tell you this but I... feel a, uh... a lump.
Ünderbheit Guard: Are you serious?
Brock: Yeah... I'm so sorry, man.
Ünderbheit Guard: Oh. Oh god. Ooooh god.
Brock: Yeah, I just feel awful...
Ünderbheit Guard: How do you think I feel?
Brock: Yeah, yeah, maybe uh... we should uh...
Ünderbheit Guard: I... I must go to my wife.
Brock: Yeah, yeah. You should do that. (Venture points in the opposite direction) Hey, uh, I know it's a bad time to ask and all but...
Ünderbheit Guard: The wedding. Yeah. Yeah, fine. I don't care anymore. It's in the observatory, on a flight up, through this door. (Hank moves behind guard and gives him a wedgie)
Dr. Venture & Brock: HANK!!
Hank: Well I didn't get to do anything!!
(Team Venture has been brought to Baron Ünderbheit's laboratory under guard)
Baron Ünderbheit: What are they doing here? Put them in the holding cells while I decide how they are to die!
Manservant: We don't... we don't have holding cells, Your Thoughtfulness.
Baron Ünderbheit: No holding...! Fine. Put them in... the pantry.
(Dean already knows that Baron Ünderbheit has sent them to a holding cell)
Dean Venture: What have you done with Pop?!?
Baron Ünderbheit: Your father is resting comfortably in a makeshift holding cell, soon--
Dean Venture: What have you done with my brother?!?
Baron Ünderbheit: He, too, is being held in the--
Dean Venture: What have you done with our secret agent bodyguard?!?
Baron Ünderbheit: (frustrated) They're all in the same place, okay?!?

(After Dr. Venture reads the wedding invitation for Baron Ünderbheit and Dr. Venture's "daughter, Dawn.")

Hank: I have a sister? Named Dawn?? How long have you been keeping this from me?
Brock: Hank, no. I-I think...
Hank: Don't defend him, Brock! You knew about this, didn't you? Does Dean? What else haven't you told us??
Doctor Venture: Brock, you speak crazy, do something about him.
Brock: Hank, Baron Ünderbheit...
Hank: Good gravy! You're right, Brock! This is just what he wants. For us to turn on each other. And I played right into their hands. Dammit!

(a block from the pantry wall falls and a resistance agent peeks out)

Resistance: (gasps) Who are you?
Hank: The Wallflower! So we meet again!!
Brock: Nah, nah, the Wallflower had that thing on his head...
Dr. Venture: Lamest. Villain. Ever.
[A eunuch is preparing to give Dean, believed to be a girl, a bath]
Eunuch: Please, I'm a eunuch. You think the Baron would allow another set of balls near his wife? And don't worry, honey, even when I had 'em, you've got nothing I'm interested in. [Pulls down Dean's Princess Leia loincloth] ROOSTER IN THE HEN HOUSE!!
[Dean and the eunuch both scream in very high-pitched voices]
Eunuch: I'm fixed, what's your excuse?
Resistance: You haven't come to rescue us? Then why did you bring the Bat person? And Chewbacca Wookie?
Dean: I'm not a woman! I'm a boy science adventurer, like my father before me! (drops robes)
Brock: Hank, no! It's suicide!
Hank: Well then I'll see you in Heck! (runs screaming down hall)
Dr. Venture: (sarcastically) Thank goodness, Hank's going to save us all. (glances at Brock) Oh, what are you so worried about? I can make another one. Hey, maybe he'll surprise us! He does get that kind of retard strength when he's all worked up.
Catclops: You mess with the cat, you get the clops!
Girl Hitler: Yeah, und you mess with the girl, you get the Hitler!
Catclops: Marry me.
Baron Ünderbheit: Catclops? So you survived? Wait a minute, the cat hairs in my water! (lunges at Catclops) OF COURSE!!
Baron Ünderbheit: Is that what you think? Oh that is rich, I will have to tell Manservant that one. And he will have to laugh.
Dean:Wow, a girl president! How progressive!
Hank: And a Hitler! Boy, things are really looking up!
Hank (To Dean, while lying on the floor, bleeding) I cut my tongue on my mask.

Fallen Arches[edit]

When the Guild of Calamitous Intent finally approves Dr. Orpheus for his very own arch-nemesis he calls upon old friends The Alchemist and Jefferson Twilight to resurrect their former super-team, The Order of the Triad. While they audition supervillain candidates at the Venture Compound, a jealous Doc isn't about to let Orpheus steal the show. Let loose the Walking Eye!
Jefferson Twilight: Yes, I only hunt blaculas.
Guild Candidate: Oh, so you only hunt African-American vampires?
Twilight: No, sometimes I hunt British vampires. They don't have "African Americans" in England!
Candidate: Oh yeah, huh, good point.
Twilight: So I hunt blaculas.
Candidate: I was just trying to be...
Twilight: Man, I specialize in hunting black vampires, I don't know what the P.C. name for that is!
Jefferson Twilight: On three we give him the old Rochambeau.
The Alchemist: Rock-paper-scissors?
Dr. Orpheus: What does a general from the American Revolution have to do with this?
Jefferson Twilight: American Revolution? Rochambeau sound...sounds French to me.
Dr. Orpheus: Well yes, the Franco-American forces.
Jefferson Twilight: They fought with spaghetti-o's and meatballs?
The Alchemist: Why would a company called Franco-American make Italian food?
#24: Boooooo!!
#21: Ah! Dude, I was about to kill you! I have dangerous cat-like reflexes.
#24: Oh yeah, you were terrifying when you crapped your pants.
Hank: (reading Triana's message in the bathroom mirror) "I'm in the Torrid Zone. Call my feather". We need to find her feather!
Hank: I'm in the bathroom and you gotta get in here! It smells like... like gun powdered-throw up-poo poo eggs!
Dean: You should see a doctor! It smells like you pounded garbage into your butt!
Hank: Knock it off. We have a mystery in our bathroom. Query: Can flames come out of a toilet?
Dean: Hank, if you did this...
Hank: I didn't! Dude, if I did this, I would tell you! I would be, like, almost proud of this!
Triana: Ooohhh, Hank! What is wrong with you?
Dean: Right? It smells like a bible story in here.
Triana: Did my grandpa teach you to crap?
#21: We're -totally- going to fly into some hot chick's bedroom!.
#24: Oh totally! And she'll be like, dating the good guy. And I'll come in and be all; "I'll spare his life, but only for you s-sugarpants"
#21: (Grabbing #24's shoulders, shaking him roughly) Dude! And then you will have sex! You will be having sex! Sex!
The Monarch: Oh, but which door to choose? That one can have fun, surprises, and a year's supply of Turtle Wax behind it.... (the prostitute opens the door, and a polar bear pounces on her) ... or the polar bear from Lost!
The Monarch: (to the prostitute) I don't blame you for desiring me...the Monarch is DELICIOUS!!!
Ward: So you share a lair with Dr. Orpheus?
Dr. Venture: Hardly. He rents an apartment from me.
Watch: I can't believe that we are standing in the same conference room the Treaty of Tolerance was signed in!
Ward: Yes. So cool. Your father is a legend at the Guild.
Watch: Yeah, legend! He's responsible for stealing my father's leg!
Ward: Don't start me! The REAL Dr. Venture was the reason I got into this business!
Dr. Venture: Hey, just keep the nuts away from my lab. Because I have some pretty impressive things going on in there.

(Watch and Ward start snickering)

Ward: (to Ward, still snickering) No, shut up. Oh yeah, we'll do our best to keep them away from your...
Watch: (still snickering) Impressive...
Ward: Yeah, impressive stuff.
Dr. Venture: You better! Where's Mr. Magic? How come the prom queen isn't here to crown his king?
Ward: He's astral projecting, I think.
Dr. Venture: Showoff...
Watch: To assemble his team.
Dr. Venture: A team? You mean he was approved as a team? What a wuss! (starts chuckling, then stops)
Ward: (fakes clearing his throat) Jealous!
Prostitute: Think you can give me directions back to Liberty Street?
The Monarch: Listen and listen well. The road before you is beset with many perils! Every turn you make will bring you closer to the cold awaiting hands of Sister Fate!
Prostitute: Or just the center of town? Do you have a pen? Maybe I should...
The Monarch: Fear me, Theseus, for I AM THE MIGHTY MINOTAUR! [Disrobes, revealing a large minotaur tattoo on his back) This Cocoon has witnessed your sins, and she seeks vengeance! The Cocoon will punish the wicked, the Cocoon will reward the righteous! You must escape from her grasp, you must earn your freedom!
Prostitute: Dude, I don't have time for... (A trap door beneath the bed opens, sending the Prostitute down)
The Monarch: How much do you want to live?!
Dr. Venture: (trying to explain the birds and the bees to Dean) I'm going to explain to you what most boys your age (pauses) have known for like five years already.
Brock: (watching the guild candidates attack the walking robotic eye) Well, I'm gonna go out there and get some of that action.
Dr. Venture: Uhh... Don't you wanna change?
Brock: No way. I love wearing a tux when I kill guys. Makes you feel kinda like James Bond.
Order of the Triad: (Dr. Orpheus, Jefferson Twilight, and the Alchemist do their "thing") Order of the Triad... Go!
Dr. Venture: Get out of my kitchen.
#24: I can't believe that whore stole my Stanza.
#21: I can't believe that whore made it through the lake of acid.
Dr. Venture: Alright Dean,I,er...need to talk about a few things with you.
Dean: Hank did it.
Dr. Orpheus: Do not drink the chocolate milk!

Guess Who's Coming to State Dinner?[edit]

When the Gargantua-1 Space Station breaks orbit and crashes into a wanted terrorist, Colonel Bud Manstrong becomes a national hero. But did it really happen or is Bud's mother, the indomitable Mrs. Manstrong, behind an insidious plot to assassinate the President? The mysterious blinking band aid on Bud's head might be the key to a mystery only the ghost of Abraham Lincoln and Team Venture can solve.
[Doctor Venture is jealous that Bud Manstrong is getting so much attention]
Doctor Venture: They might as well give a medal to the seats while they're pinning one on "Luck Rogers" over there.
Brock: (with disbelief) "Luck Rogers"?
Doctor Venture: (chuckles) You like that? I almost said "Flash in the pan Gordon".
Brock: Glad you didn't.
[Brock has just had an unfortunate run-in with Hauser, a member of the Secret Service]
Doctor Venture: Friend of yours?
Brock: We were in 'Nam together.
Doctor Venture: Oh. Wait, you were like 10 during Vietnam.
Brock: Well, I didn't say during the war.
President Breyer: Ladies and gentlemen, a toast to Colonel Bud Manstrong, a man of bravery, integrity, an indominable spirit of--
Mrs. Manstrong: Oh, quit blowing smoke up the boy's ass, Breyer! We all know the real reason Bud's here. Your administration is in the crapper, and you need Mrs. Manstrong's little Boy Scout on the team to polish that turd.
Doctor Venture: Hey, Bud! Or is it Budley? Budward? What's Bud short for?
Bud Manstrong: Nothing. It's just Bud.
President Breyer: How'd you like to be Vice-President?
Bud Manstrong: Me?!
President Breyer: Hell yeah, you! Who'd do think I'm talking about; you're a genuine hero, boy. The Bureau can't find a damn thing on you, and plus, you're a little bit of the eye candy for the ladies. Speakin' of which...(opens door) take a pick.
Bud Manstrong: I'm...not sure I follow you, Sir.
President Breyer: Any of my secretarial staff, 'cept the one in the blue dress that smells like this!
(Holds his finger up to Bud's nose)
Bud Manstrong: Oh, dear lord!
President Breyer: (laughs) That's Phyllis — got my name written all over her...literally! I once wrote my name on the front of her dress with the tip of my...
Bud Manstrong: OH NO! I'm not hearing this, I'm not hearing this! Good evening, sir!
(Walks out of the office)
President Breyer: (into intercom) Uh, Cass, I'll take that blowjob now.
Hank: Dude, what is your damage?
Dean: I saw something! I think this place is... haunted!
Hank: Aw, you're just being superstitious.
Dean: I am not! Just extra-stitious.
Doctor Venture: Oh, come on, Brock! This might be five minutes! I've been practicing my pitch all week!
Brock: (scoffs) You just have no clue, do you? These aren't a bunch of fake pirates or dicks in rubber butterfly suits, Doc. We're talking about the United States Secret Service.
Doctor Venture: Please, we'll both be off the hook when he feasts his eyes on what I've got to offer. The thing sells itself! If it doesn't I can't afford to pay you this month.
Brock: You don't pay me.
[Hauser is about to shoot the portable forcefield generator to shut it off]
Doctor Venture: I wouldn't do that. They're nuclear batteries.
President Breyer: Nuke-a-lar?
Doctor Venture: Well, that's not actually a word, but yes.
Lincoln's Ghost: Venture Brothers!
Dean: (screams)
Lincoln's Ghost: You must help me! Colonel Manstrong is going to assassinate the president!
Dean: Hank! Wake up! It's the ghost of Abraham Lincoln!
Hank: (waking up) Who?
Lincoln's Ghost: Microchip! Microchip! It's in the back of his head! His mother is using it to control him and she's going to make him assassinate the president!
Dean: It just sounds a little far-fetched.
Hank: Yeah, thank you, I'm glad you said it.
Lincoln's Ghost: Didn't either of you see The Manchurian Candidate? Not even the remake with Denzel? Come on, I've been dead for seven score years and even I—
Hank: Who is this guy?
Lincoln's Ghost: Abraham Lincoln! Sixteenth president of the United States! Come on, you're kidding me!
Dean: Yeah, didn't you learn anything in bed?
Lincoln's Ghost: All right. All right, how 'bout this? I'm the five dollar bill guy.
Hank: You invented the five dollar bill?
Lincoln's Ghost: Yes, Hank. (shaking his head in resignation) Yes, I did. Dean, you seem to be a little more on the ball here. Help me stop Manstrong.
Dean: Why do you need us?
Lincoln's Ghost: Because I'm immaterial. Look at this. (Passes arm through Hank and Dean.) It's a no go! I need to possess one of your bodies. Just for a little while. Until I can stop him. Will one of you do that for me? For the Union?
Hank: Not it!
Dean: Not it!
Hank: OnetwothreefourfivesixseveneightninetenJINX! You owe me a coke!
Dean: Aww.
(Dean, possessed by the Ghost of Abraham Lincoln, tries to kiss Hank.)
Hank: Eww!
(Hank slaps Dean, knocking Lincoln out of him and onto the floor.)
Hank: Dude, what the dilly?!
Dean: Did it work? What happened?
Hank: Honest Abe's a 'mo, that's what happened.
Lincoln's Ghost: Sorry! Sorry. I don't know what came over me. It was just a bit overwhelming to have a body again. All those hormones. Whoo! (Stands up.) Right. Just let me try this again. I'm ready for it this time. (Begins to step into Dean.) Who's Triana, by the way?
Dean: Ah! Just get in!
(Lincoln steps into Dean's body.)
Hank: And no funny business!
Lincoln's Ghost: Yes already! Like you boys never experimented.
Hank: Dean!
Hauser: (to Brock) Nice one. Everything you touch turns to suck. It's official.
Doctor Venture: Oh, no, they called my brother? Could this be any more embarrassing? (mockingly to Dr. Venture, Jr. through the forcefield) Yeah, all right, hi! I see you! Go to hell!
Jonas Venture, Jr.: What are you trying to do there, Dean?
Hank: We're helping our new ghost pal!
General Manhowers: Heh! Now ain't that somethin'? I wish my boy had that kinda creativity!
Dean: Col. Manstrong is going to assassinate the president!
Hank: It's not really his fault though. His mom's controlling him!
General Manhowers: Don't give me that psycho-babble, son! After a certain age, a man needs to take responsibility for his own actions!
Dean: Um... Okay.
General Manhowers: Sure, maybe if I hugged my thick-headed son more he wouldn't have started them fires or stolen all that lacrosse equipment, but dammit! Sometimes they're just bad apples!!
Lincoln's Ghost: (knocks over a tiny statue of himself) Damnation! Forcefield, I didn't see that one coming! Sorry, Dean. Okay, okay! New plan...
Hank: (points at statue) Well, you just KO'd Uncle Sam! Why can't you just do that to an astronaut and his mom?
Lincoln's Ghost: That's not Uncle Sam, it's me! Wouldn't lay a glove on it if it weren't. I can only move things in the material world that bear my image. Wait! That penny in your pocket, Dean! I was able to get that through the forcefield! That's it!
Hank: We build a gun made out of pennies!
Lincoln's Ghost: Exactly! Wait, no, that's insane! But I have another idea! Boys, I need five dollar bills. Scores of them, 10 score at least!
Dean: How are we gonna find that many.
Hank: How, how. What are you, an owl? He can make it with his magic!
Ghost of Abraham Lincoln: For the last time, Hank, I'm a ghost, not a genie. You two must find a way!
Hank: Wait, does it matter if it's the new fives or the old ones.
Lincoln's Ghost: I... prefer the new ones? But, whatever! Go! Go!!
Lincoln's Ghost: Oh, FDR. He was a real president. I loved to watch him sleep. Weight of the world on his little polio shoulders. The depression. World War II. He slept like a baby. Now that is a clear conscience. This Breyer guy, though, he's the worst president I've ever seen!
Lincoln's Ghost: My Lincoln sense is tingling! Manstrong's making his move!
Bud Manstrong: Svengali!
Brock: No, no, this is not what it looks like!
Bud Manstrong: First Anna, and now my mother? Have you no shame, you... you Mandingo? (takes of blazer and gets into fighting stance) Okay, get up! Were doing this! You and me, Samson! Right now! Let's go!
Brock: Come on, man. You know I'm just gonna beat you stupid. I've done it before.
Bud Manstrong: A sucker punch! This time, "schoolyard rules." No cheap shots!
Brock: This is ridiculous! Your mother just...
Bud Manstrong: No mothers!
Lincoln's Ghost: (diving at Manstrong) Here comes the Rail-Splitter!!
Lincoln's Ghost: (after getting shot in the head by Mrs. Manstrong) AHHH! DAMMIT!! NOT AGAIN!!! WHY IN THE HEAD???
Doctor Venture: (seeing replay of crashing Gargantua-1) I knew it! Told you this clown was no hero. He just blacked out in the middle of a hand job.
Lincoln's Ghost: Uh oh.... Someone's playing with his Lincoln Log!
Bud Manstrong: MY GOD IT'S FULL OF STARS!! (passes out)
Lincoln's Ghost: Penny for his thoughts.
Dean: (to the Ghost of Abraham Lincoln) You're still here. Shouldn't you have crossed over?
Doctor Venture: Apparently stopping my bodyguard from beating up a repressed masturbator just isn't enough to get you into Heaven these days. Go figure.
Lincoln's Ghost: You're one to judge, Rusty... I seem to remember a certain fast-handed little red-head, sleeping in the Lincoln bedroom, score and a half years back?
Doctor Venture: All right...
Lincoln's Ghost: (sing-song) Not that you did much sleeping.
Doctor Venture: (covers ears) Okay!

I Know Why the Caged Bird Kills[edit]

The Monarch continues to rebuild his villainous empire with the aid of his shadowy new Number 2, Dr. Henry Killinger, but #21 is suspicious of the deadly foreigner’s unctuous charms. Meanwhile, as Dr. Orpheus attempts to exorcise a Japanese demon from Dr. Venture, a mysterious woman from Doc’s past resurfaces...and she’d kill to find out where Hank and Dean are.

(After destroying an office building floor, the Monarch enters)

The Monarch: (evil laughter, grabs an office worker) Where is he?! WHERE IS VENTURE?!
Office Worker: Venture?
#21: Dude, no, stop!! There's been a mistake!
The Monarch: Oh, what now?!
#21: This isn't the secret Venture compound. It's your accountant's office.
The Monarch: Wha... Are you kidding?? That was like my best entrance ever!!
#21: Yeah, it was excellent!
#24: Very impressive!
The Monarch: This sucks! (calls to other henchmen) Alright. Wrong address, wrong address. Everybody back in the cocoon!
#21: So, uh... Should we, uh...
The Monarch: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take the pens, and the post-its, and the, uh, copy paper! You always need copy paper. And get that security tape!! I want a Quicktime of my minty-fresh entrance posted on my homepage BY TOMORROW!!
Dr. Orpheus: I must consort a higher power!! Wait here while I go to my daughter's closet.
Dr. Killinger: Forgive me, but the problem is one of planning, not one of armament. Mr. The Monarch already has a dazzling armory. What he needs is a strategist. A man of his prestige cannot simply go after an enemy all willy-nilly.
#21: You can't give an enema a free willy what?
The Monarch: Shut up, 21. You might learn something from this guy.
Dr. Killinger: What you need is a second-in-command who understands the intricacies of organized villiany. This I can offer you.
The Monarch: Perfect! You're hired, uh... number...
Dr. Killinger: Number Killinger. Doctor Henry Killinger. And this is my Magic Murder Bag.
Brock: Hey, have you seen the boys? They were supposed to be practicing for their road test but it looks like they forgot the car part. What, uh... what are you guys, uh... into there?
Dr. Venture: Orpheus is making me follow that magic head thing I told you about.
Dr. Orpheus: We're very close to divining its will!!
Brock: Aww, he's got you doin' it now. You guys are cute together. I'm going to go look for the boys. (to himself) Story of my life.
Dr. Orpheus: It stopped! It seems interested in this automobile. Tell me, is it associated with some recent sin of yours?
Dr. Venture: Pfft. I wish. I can't remember the last time I got lucky in that car. Unless you count the dollar I found under the seat.
Dr. Killinger: The Venture problem is very volatile. We must approach it with caution, but first we need to address other drastic issues. The floating cocoon is in bad need of...
#24: The cocoon's fine! I think the problem is you!
#21: He's right! Yeah, everybody just thinks you're sooo great, but you're just sooo not!
#24: Yeah! Who do you think you are?
#21: I mean, come on! This guy just waltzes in here with his huge baby-bearing hips and he starts changing everything.
Dr. Killinger: That's not fair. I never chose my figure.
#24: Oh, that's right! Come on in! Don't knock or anything. After all, I only live in a cocoon with 80 guys and no women. So there's NO chance I'd be masturbating...
[H.E.L.P.E.R. beeps a comment while "When the Levee Breaks" is playing.]
Brock: Jock rock my ass! Listen to those lyrics, man. It's all about love and longing!
[H.E.L.P.E.R. responds.]
Brock: Yes.... and hobbits too. Look, it's a metaphor! They wrote about a lot of other stuff! Why am I arguing with a robot?
[H.E.L.P.E.R. responds.]
(Brock looks at his waistwatch)
Brock: Right up ahead.
(Brock gets out of the car)
Brock: Don't think we're done talking about this.
Myra Brandish: Oh, you're up! You can relax. The nightmare's finally over!
Hank: Um... no it isn't.
Myra Brandish: [Dives across the room, grabs a shotgun] Hush-a-bye!
[Hank awakens tied up on a dirty old mattress inside an abandoned motel room.]
Hank: Well isn't this new and different!
Dr. Venture: Wait... I know what you're doing! You're trying to get me in sack!
Dr. Orpheus: (genuinely taken aback) I beg your pardon?!
Dr. Venture: No wonder nobody but you can see that head!
Dr. Orpheus: Wha... How dare...
Dr. Venture: The tights, the jewelry, always tagging along... 'Oh, let me get my big gay cloak and I'll join you!'
Dr. Orpheus: I'm trying to help you!!
Dr. Venture: Help me out of my Speed Suit!!
Dr. Orpheus: Master! Master, are you here? I have need of your counsel. Ooohh...
The Master: Orpheus, you’re going to love this, check me out, huh? I’m Catherine the Great’s horse, to teach you a lesson about biting off more then you can chew! My partially-lovely assistant, Miss Manyface, will be playing the part of Catherine.
Miss Manyface: Hi.
The Master: Enough with the chatter. Get under there...Don't wince!
Dr. Orpheus: Master, far be it from me to question the relevance of your symbolism, but I'm very certain the whole "horse" thing was an urban legend...
Dr. Venture: Sorry about earlier...I'm probably just still jet lagged, and you know, floating demon head and all.
Dr. Orpheus: Apology accepted. Just...stay on your side of the room! [Trying to Joke] Tiger!
[An Awkward Silence]
Dr. Orpheus:...Yes.
[Another Awkward Silence]
Dr. Venture: You, uh... wanna go halfsies on a skin flick?
Dr. Orpheus: 'Kay.
#21: You can silence me but there will be others. Semper Fidelis Tyrannosaurus!
Dr. Killinger: It's Sic Semper Tyrannis. You said, "Ever faithful terrible lizard."
#21: I did? Cool.
Dr. Girlfriend: Well, I hope you're as good at fighting as you are at talking.
#21: Hell no, look at me! You're the weapons expert. [Watches her defeat the Black Guard effortlessly.]
#21: That is so excellent. [She feels for a switch panel on the wall.] Oh I like to do that too, it's soft.
[Dr. Orpheus is trying to check out of a motel in his usual attire, and meets the catsuited owner, Myra Brandish]
Dr. Orpheus: Isn't it a bit early for a costume party?
Myra Brandish: Why, are you throwing one, Dracula?
The Monarch: What the hell is she doing here?!
Dr. Killinger: This woman has come to rescue you.
The Monarch: From what?!
Dr. Killinger: From loneliness, you silly billy.
Dr. Killinger: (to the Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend) Love is not private. Love is to be shared. I've locked you in. Neither of you may leave until you have reached compromise. Good luck, and may love show you the way. [opens his umbrella and begins to ascend toward the ceiling] Say goodbye to all your pretty children for me.
Dr. Girlfriend: Can you understand what he's saying?
The Monarch: Like... half the time.
Dr. Killinger: (out of frame) My umbrella is stuck on something. I require assistance.
Dr. Killinger: Compromise, my friend, is the essence of diplomacy, and diplomacy is the cornerstone of love. [Singin] Sweeeeeet looooove.
Hank: So is she or isn't she?
Brock: OK, Hank, look! She used to be Power Cat on American Gladiators. Show gets tanked, she checks herself into the nuthouse. Every couple of years, she puts on the old costume, kidnaps you, or tries to kill your dad or burns down the compound. Depends on what meds she's coming off of.
Dean: How come we don't remember her then?
Brock: Look. You don't remember because you're cl--
(Brock & Dr. Venture both say "Cl-cl-cl--" trying not to reveal that both of them are clones)
Hank: I can't help feeling like we're not getting the whole story.
Dean: Right! Maybe she was telling the truth.
Dr. Venture: All right! So I fucked her! What of it?

¡Viva los Muertos![edit]

When Dr. Venture finally succeeds in attaining the holy grail of superscience, the revivification of a human corpse for fun and profit, a washed up gang of wandering former teen sleuths is convinced that the Venture Compound is haunted. Their investigation uncovers something far creepier. Meanwhile, Orpheus shepherds Brock through a crisis of conscience with the help of a New Age shaman and a bizarre tea party.
[A POV shot of a Monarch Henchman's goggles. A strike force assembles by a crevasse near the Venture Compound]
#21: (to the POV) How's it goin', Texas! Ya staying frosty?
[POV nods in agreement]
#21: Better get your game face on, 'cause that's the Venture Compound over there! Yeah, we lost a lot of good men trying to take that place...
[#24 appears]
#24: 21! Why are you wasting your time talking to the new meat? 9 in 10 don't even last a month.
Dr. Orpheus: [To Brock] Ah, but we two souls have shared a cheese sandwich more than twice!
Ted: Darn! Out of gas. (notices Venture Industries) Hey, gang, dig this! Looks like some sort of secret, abandoned military base.
Val: Patriarchal white pig square's nest.
Ted: Far out, Val. But something's fishy in the state of Denmark. I can feel a mystery coming on.
Patty: Ted, you said I could see my parents.
Ted: This was on the way, Patty.
Patty: We've been driving to my parents' house for ten years. You promised.
Ted: Patty... being out of your box isn't a right, it's a privilege. Baby, you don't want to go back in your box, do you?
Patty: No.
Dr. Orpheus: [with dramatic flourish] Who is Hector Molina?! And why do they keep sending me his Junk Mail?!?
Ted: Head's up, kids! Think we may have stumbled unto a Dracula factory!
Ted: (after seeing Venturestein) Correction! Dracula-Frankenstein factory!
Dr. Orpheus: Don Rio is a transcendent multidimensional genius, Brock. His every word an onion of infinite leaf! His every Pearl - [Vomits into a bucket] - Oh. Yes. This is coming on now.
Brock: Hey, you know what? I think I... I feel a little bad about killing that guy.
Dr. Orpheus: [Brock's POV, he is shimmering wildly as Brock begins to hallucinate] Yeees, my friend, a splendid first step indee- [vomits again]
Ted: Come on, Sonny. Mystery.
Sonny: F*** your mystery, man. I'm sick.
Ted: [holds up a prescription bottle] Sonny? Bet you'll come out for some Groovy treats.
[Sonny scrambles out of the Mystery Van and falls in the mud, to the amusement of the gang]
Dean: Why do we have to eat breakfast with your dead guy?
Dr. Venture: Venturestein's been through a lot, Dean.
Hank: Venturestein!
Dr. Venture: You like that?
Hank: Sure do, Pop!
Dr. Venture: Good boy, Hank. Dean, right now Hank is better than you.
Brock: It's bad, Doc, real bad. The boys saw their own clones. Think they're in some kind of... saw your own clone...coma.
Dr. Venture: More power! I must have more power! Look Brock, his fingers! They're twitching!
Brock: Yeah, well, a stiff will do that if you shove a gigavolt up its ass.
Dr. Venture:: No, he's alive! ALIVE I tell you!
Brock: Uh, sure Doc.

[POV opens eyes]

Brock: Holy shit.
Hank: Hey Pop, why's the top of that guy's head black?
Dr. Venture: Not black, Hank! African American. The top of that guy's head is African American.
Dean: Dad, why's the top of this guy's head African American?
Dr. Venture: Because Brock caved in his original cranium and I had to use whatever fits.
Patty: I don't know about this, Ted...
Ted: Patty, if God didn't want us to solve this mystery, he wouldn't have had us run out of gas here.
Patty: But...what's the mystery?
Sonny: Hey, y'know, we're not out of gas, man...We got a five gallon tank in the back of the...
Ted: [hits Sonny] Why do you hate God so much?
Sonny: I don't hate God, man...
Ted: Well, God thinks you hate him, and that's just as bad as hating him. So how about you and Groovy go and start looking for some clues!
Sonny: Clues to what? What is your trip?
Ted: [Upbeat] Clues to why I don't chain you to the back of my van and road haul you until you're nothing but a pelvis - wearing a belt!
Groovy the Bloodhound: Guy's pissin' on your lawn, man.
Groovy the Bloodhound: Painted lips!... School-girl outfits!... And zer pretty hair, Sonny... zer hair needs to be punished, Sonny...
Sonny: Would ya give it a rest, Grooves?
Groovy the Bloodhound: Start doing zer Master's bidding! Yer already filthy wiz wrath and sin!
[Looking at a globe]
Hank: Where the heck did they put African America?
[Upon discovering the room filled with slug clones of the Venture Brothers]
Ted: You're not ghosts! You're the fucking Boys from Brazil!
Dr. Venture: Brock, I need dead people. Lots and lots of dead people.
Brock: Uh-huh.
Dr. Venture: Now I've already got 12 from the henchmen you killed, not counting the black guy without the head, but we need like, uh, 100 something. We need like a full gross of dead people.
Brock: Right, and, uh... where are we gonna get all these dead people?
Dr. Venture: Well, I thought, seeing as you are... you know, you and all, I thought maybe... you could go out and--
Brock: No.
Dr. Venture: --make some...
Brock: No.
Dr. Venture: ...dead people.
Brock: No.
Dr. Venture: Well, fine. Thanks a lot for not helping.
Brock: Anything else?
Dr. Venture: HELP ME GET DEAD PEOPLE!
Dr. Orpheus: Ah, Mr. Venture. I caught you.
Dr. Venture: (unenthusiastic) Yay.
Dr. Orpheus: As per our landlord tenant agreement I've come to inform you of a small gathering I will host from, say, 5 in the post meridian until, question mark.
Dr. Venture: Whatever. Knock yourself out.
Dr. Orpheus: [Referring to Venturestein] Is that man dead?
Dr. Venture: Uh, no.
Dr. Orpheus: Once again Mr. Venture you cut decency to the quick and leave her to die in prostitute ally!
Venturestein: Prostituuuutes!
Brock: Why's he gotta cry like that?
Hank: I think you scare him.
Brock: Well, I'm not the one who froze his corpse or nuked him back from the Great Beyond to be a half-dead short bus seat warmer.
Dr. Venture: But you did kill him. And then when I unkilled him you kind of did it again.
Hank: You hit him so hard he has an afro now!
Brock: Yeah, he was just this guy... guy in a butterfly suit who got in over his head. And I could see it in his eyes that if I let him get away this one time he'd never come back...but then, I also thought...y'know...Kill 'im. What kind of way is that ta -
Shaman: Quanto! (Begins to Mumble)
Shaman's Interpreter: Wuh - one time, I am in the Amazon, on my canoe, and I see, swim, the dolphin, the, uh, the beautiful dolphin, so I slip out of my canoe, and I grab her, this...fish...(Shaman mimes a penis penetrating a vagina, placing one finger through two looped together)...and, uh, then I fucked it... the fish!
Brock: The Hell's that got to with anything?
Shaman: Kayho Hadaile!
Shaman's Interpreter: Hot dolphin!
Brock: [suddenly realizing] You're an idiot!
Dolphin: You see, Brock Samson, we're all one. We all share the same need for shelter, warmth, fulfillment. The secret of happiness lies not in conquest, but in empathy.
[The dolphin is speared in the back and ripped out from under Brock, then drawn up into the belly button of what appears to be a very large and very naked woman, though her face is obscured]
Brock: Wooooaaah. Better dolphin!
[The 'Woman' Leans forward, revealing 'Her' true face]
Col. Hunter Gathers: Samson!!
Brock: Hunter?!
Hunter: What is all this namby-pamby feel bad about good wet work bullshit?! You're beyond good and evil, Superman! You work for the government.
Brock: What about uhhh, humanity and empathy and all that garbage?
Hunter: Who cares? You're going to special ops heaven.
Brock: Really?
Hunter: Really! And it's god damned great! [He flies upwards, clutching Brock to him] The G-Man Valhalla! There's trim and guns everywhere. And we eat steak flavored clouds and poop secrets!
Brock: [Hugging one of Hunter's gigantic Breasts] But you're not even dead. You're a woman!
Hunter: And you're a tool, boy, a tool! Built for a single purpose by the United States of shut your third god damned eye for a good fucking reason! You can't teach a hammer to love nails, son. That dog don't hunt!
[Brock awakens]
Brock: DON'T! HUNT!
[The Groovy Gang are fleeing Venturestein when they run into Brock]
Ted: NO! Another one!
Brock: DON'T HUNT!
Ted: Not so fast, los—[Brock grabs his arm] Don't shoot me!
Sonny: Mine is the sword of Michael! [the gun fires, shooting Sonny] I'm bleeding all over!
[Brock head butts Ted, killing him]
Sonny: [dying] I'm so cold, man...I'm so fuckin' cold.
Val: The few remaining men will exist as studs, breeding in the cow pasture. Or they could go off to the nearest suicide center where they'll be quietly gassed to death.
Ted: Come on, guys!
[Val gropes Patty’s breasts]
Patty: Val, don’t.

Showdown at Cremation Creek (Part I)[edit]

The Monarch finally (for like the fourth time) has Team Venture in his clutches at the one time he doesn’t want them – smack dab in the middle of the social event of the supervillain season. The stage is set for a deadly, ultimate showdown between The Monarch and Phantom Limb for the hand of Dr. Girlfriend.
Dr. Girlfriend: All right, I knew you couldn't handle this! It's crazy. We've been meeting in this crappy hotel, like, three times a week and it's going nowhere!
The Monarch: Alright fine, I'll do Thursdays too. But only for, like, an hour. Which means we have to get right to the dirty deed! I give you permission to begin without me!
Dr. Girlfriend: (sarcastically) Oh, gee, thanks. Look, I keep coming home with welts on my neck and the "I got jumped by a flying squid" excuse is starting to get Phantom Limb a wee bit suspicious.
The Monarch: Screw Phantom Limb! No, wait. No, don't!
The Monarch: Marry me!
Dr. Girlfriend: You being serious?
The Monarch: Deadly serious.
Dr. Girlfriend: (dramatic pause) Yes.
The Monarch: Good! Done! Now get your ass back in that bed!
Dr. Girlfriend: But we need to make some ground rules first! (brings out a list) 1: No more of this "I need my space, you're crowding me" crap!
The Monarch: Fine, whatever. Wh... Where were you hiding that list?
Dr. Girlfriend: 2: I'm not your "number 2." I'm your partner.
The Monarch: Okay! I'll get you a crown or something. Anything else on that magic and probably moist list of yours?
Dr. Girlfriend: Yes! Number 3: This whole "Dr. Venture" thing is over!
The Monarch: Yes! We kill him once and for all!!! And we shall make slave of his sons and a lamp from the flesh of Brock Samson!
Dr. Girlfriend: NO! I want you to give up this insane grudge you have on Dr. Venture once and for all.
The Monarch: No way! Dr. Venture is my sworn enemy!
Dr. Girlfriend: Oh, nevermind then! I knew you weren't serious!
The Monarch: No, no! Don't go!!! Fine, I'll do it... No more arching Dr. Venture...
Dr. Girlfriend: Ever?
The Monarch: Never...
Dr. Girlfriend: Swear?
The Monarch: I pinkie swear!!
[The Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend pinkie swear]
The Monarch: 'Kay? You happy know?
Dr. Girlfriend: (Teary eyed) The happiest woman alive!
(Dr. Orpheus is firing magic bolts at Torrid, who teleports a foot away just before each blast hits him)
Dr. Orpheus: It's like playing Keep Away with the neighborhood spastic! I can't get a bead on him!
The Alchemist: You should give us the All Seeing Orb!
Jefferson Twilight: (sarcastically) "You should"? Nice, Al. Very polite.
The Alchemist: What? You catch more flies with honey.
Dr. Orpheus: Give us the Eye or face oblivion!!
The Alchemist: ...Please!
Dr. Venture: (To Dr. Girlfriend, flirtateously morose) I brought you something blue.... me....
Phantom Limb: Revenge, like gazpacho soup, is a dish best served cold, precise, and merciless.
The Monarch: Yeah, yeah, you can never have enough precision in your soup...
Phantom Limb: Go! Her shit's by the door in a box marked 'hers'.
(After defeating Torrid with their finishing move?)
Jefferson Twilight: AH! Man, Orpheus! What are you wearing, golf shoes?
The Alchemist: Honestly, I think my hand is bleeding. And the squirming...
Jefferson Twilight: I think it's the flip part.
Dr. Orpheus: That's the zing! We need the zing!
The Alchemist: Well the zing hurts my hand!
Dr. Orpheus: Well if we practiced more than once a month...
(The Alchemist is holding a giant eyeball in front of his head)
The Alchemist: Hey! Hey, look! I'm in The Residents! (laughs)
Dr. Orpheus: Does anybody else feel even slightly embarrassed here?
Jefferson Twilight: Only most of the time.
Dr. Orpheus: Practice makes perfect! We shall meet at my home for some real training!
The Alchemist: Yeah! (sing-song) Slumber party!
The Alchemist: I'm here! And I've got some fancy beer and some chips guaranteed to be... extreme!
Dr. Orpheus: (Amazed) How is that possible...?
The Alchemist: I don't know, by putting a lightning bolt on the bag.
[The Alchemist enters wearing a flamboyant shirt]
Jefferson Twilight: Al, what is that? I need earplugs just to look at your shirt.
The Alchemist: I'm in disguise as a paunchy gay guy who loves Jimmy Buffett. I thought you setting up an apparatus. That's a pilates mat and a baby's first birthday candle.
The Alchemist: But being a magic super hero that keeps chasing the same guy? It’s completely gay. That is coming from a guy that voluntarily has sex with men!
The Alchemist: And then, like that wasn't enough, I ended up with a raging case of crotch cricket. And did I get an apology? Hell no! I got a, "eh, I'll call you." (sighs) Still waiting for that chestnut.
Hank Venture: Why would you do this?
#21: What, be a henchman?
Hank: Yeah. Retardo costume, some skinny guy yelling at you all the time.
#21: Dude, are you describing me or you?
Hank: I don’t wear a costume.
#21: What, are you drunk? Where do you even buy a baby-blue kerchief? Heh - I just said “kerchief. Dude! What, does your dad use his time machine to go shopping?
(#24, nursing a bad hangover, is escorting Dean through the Cocoon corridor)
Dean Venture: Are the walls titanium or made of secret rocket ship metal?
#24: What? Who ca-.. Uh.. I know they're wicked easy to stain...
Dean: (trying to impress 24 with his knowledge) Hm. We can rule out any chromium-based metals. Those clean nicely with a damp cloth!
#24: (exasperated) All right. I'll... "rule that out."
(awkward pause)
#24: So uh... You, uh, like being a uh...
Dean: ..A Dean?
#24: Yeah. A Dean. That must kind of uh... suck...

[#21 and #24 explain what happened after The Monarch's bachelor party]

#24: Well after the party died down and you went to bed, y'know, some of us were still pretty wired and uh, so we decided to pick up a case and hit the tenderloin. Loin.
#21: Mind you, we were pretty, wicked toasted by this point, which was when I spotted this tattoo parlor and I just had to get me some ink! See, I have had, like, this design in my wallet for, like, a year, but you know, that shit is permanent.
#24: Ah, he never had the balls.
#21: Guilty! But once this Cowardly Lion got some courage from The Wizard of Booze, we went in there! And -- stand by..."
(Henchman #21 turns and vomits on the floor)
Sovereign: The Council of 13 has reviewed your request and it is denied. You are to commit no acts of vengeance against the Monarch. It matters not that you were dumped. And that's kinda... you know...
Phantom Limb: I understand, Sovereign.
Sovereign: May I suggest you start a journal? There you could pour out your woes upon the tears-stained pages of "dear diary."
Phantom Limb: That is an excellent suggestion, my liege.
Sovereign: Or maybe go jogging with friends.
Phantom Limb: I shall do just that! You honor me, my master.
Sovereign: So I have your word then? No movement on the Monarch?
Phantom Limb: You have my word.
Sovereign: Excellent! Well, I'm glad we got this wrapped up! I've got a wedding to get to... oh, uh... I'm gonna go.
(Phantom Limb's helicopters descend on The Cocoon seconds before the priest declares The Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend man and wife)
Phantom Limb on Video screen: Monarch, this is the Phantom Limb. You are surrounded.
The Monarch: OH! DICK MOVE!
Hank: (Faking Russian accent) Hello-ski, I am, how you say...Russian-guy-o-vich!
[various henchmen are crawling around in pain, there are bachelor party decorations torn up on the walls]
#24: Oy, he's gonna kill us. Maybe if we beg for mercy.
#21: Oh god, let him. It would be such sweet release from this torture we've brought upon ourselves. Oh fuck it, you kill me. Just don't hit my head or make too much noise doing it.
Brock: I have an idea, chunk. :[the camera pans over to reveal Brock is in a holding cell] You open this door and I'll kill ya.
#21: What. Did. We. DO?!?
#24: Oh shit, I thought I dreamt that part.
21: No way! Is that...
Brock: [Snarling] David...Bowie.
David Bowie: Brock Samson. It's been a while.
Brock: Not long enough. Your lucky I don't kill you right here after what you pulled in Berlin.
[Iggy Pop and Klaus Nomi jump in front of Bowie, acting as his bodyguards]
David Bowie: You're welcome to try.
[At The Aisle]
The Monarch: [Gasps] Oh! There she is! [Whispering] Hi, Pookums!
Dr. Venture: You know I feel so dirty, when they start talking cute.
The Monarch: Get used to it!
Dr. Venture: I wanna tell her that I love her... but, that point is probably moot.
The Monarch: ...Are you reciting "Jessie's Girl"?
#24: Brock Samson, slayer of men. Slayer of hench men.
[Phantom Limb is outside his garden bird shooting]
Monarch: Apparently, you lost your hearing as well as your arms. I said I'm getting married to your girlfriend!
Phantom Limb: Yes, yes. I heard you.
Monarch: You surprise me, Limb. You're taking this pretty well. I thought you'd try to kill me.
Phantom Limb: I'm no fool, Monarch. You don't live with a woman and not know when this is coming. You don't dine on the bounty of a woman's flesh and not know what she's thinking.
Monarch: OK, OK.
Phantom Limb: You don't drive your manhood over and over into a woman and...
Monarch: Yes, stop. I get it! Just give me her shit and let me go. She needs something old.
Phantom Limb: In due time. I thought we'd have a nice chat first. There's one. [Shoots Mr. Monday]
Monarch: Was that Mr. Monday?
Phantom Limb: Oh yes. You two were in prison together, were you not?
Monarch: I saw him... around. I think.
Phantom Limb: You'd be surprised at the array of wildlife here on the grounds. Wonder what other game we could scare up. [Shoots Dr. Septapus out of the tree]
Monarch: Dr... Septapus?
Phantom Limb: Oh, don't tell me, Not another one of your former prison mates? What are the odds? [Shoots him again]
Monarch: All right, Limb. What's going on here?
Phantom Limb: Just disposing of some vermin. Terrible, the havoc they can wreak on a meticulously manicured lawn, you know. [Shoots White-Noise]
Monarch: OK, OK, fine. So what did you do? Bust all these guys out of jail just to show me how ruthless you are?
Phantom Limb: What do you take me for, a common thug? Of course not. I hired them an excellent appeals attorney. And there he is.
[Tiny Attorney appears naked out of the bush]
Tiny Attorney: Please! Phantom Limb! I did everything you asked!
[Phantom Limb shoots him]
Phantom Limb: I'm a reasonable man, Monarch. But don't think for a moment that I will forget this. Revenge, like gazpacho soup is best served cold, precise and merciless.
Monarch: Oh, yeah. You can never have enough precision in your soup. Look, nut-job, I hate these traitorous dinks more than you do! So shoot whoever you want.
[Phantom Limb intensely points the shotgun at Monarch’s face]
Phantom Limb: Go. Her shit is by the door in a box marked ”Hers.”

Showdown at Cremation Creek (Part II)[edit]

As Phantom Limb makes his stunning power play, only Brock can rally The Monarch’s forces to mount a defense. The fate of almost everyone in the Venture universe hangs in the balance as The Sovereign reveals his true identity and guys and stuff explode all over the place.
Henry Killinger: I wish you both very much luck in your life together...what's left of it.
Phantom Limb: Monarch! What say you?
Monarch: I say what kind of loser can't get the hint that he's been dumped?
Phantom Limb: So it's okay for you to kidnap her, but when I do it I'm a loser!
(The Cocoon is being attacked)
Brock: Hank!
Hank: I'm cool!
Brock: Okay. Try not to die! Go find your brother, we're leaving.
Giant Boy Detective: Behold! The Ring of Power!! Eons have been waiting for he who can wear the magic and not melt or burst into flames or something...
Dean: Giant Boy Detective! You're real!! Are we gonna solve a mystery?
Giant Boy Detective: No, young'un. We are going to save the kingdom and restore Princess Tinglepants to the throne, then peace shall reign for eternity!
Dean: (unenthusiastic) Oh.. Okay...
Giant Boy Detective: ...And solve a super cool mystery?
Dean: (enthusiastic) Yay!! You're a short giant. Aren't you like 30 feet tall in the books?
Giant Boy Detective: Oh, if you think I'm a disappointment, you should see Clifford. He's, like, the size of one of those little dogs rich ladies drag around. Plus, he's more pink than red. Anyways, the Magic Flashlight shall lead the way!! (flashlight burns out) Stupid fucking enchanted batteries...
The Great White Oracle: Giant Boy Detective, show me this mighty warrior you speak of!
Giant Boy Detective: Okay, but don't be judgmental. You have to keep an open mind!
The Great White Oracle: I always do!
Giant Boy Detective: You're kidding, right?
The Great White Oracle: You're the one whose always judgmental.
Giant Boy Detective: A-Are you insane?! You're always, like, "Hey fella, you might wanna roll up the windows in this neighborhood!"
The Great White Oracle: Am I doing it now?
Giant Boy Detective: Well, no but...
The Great White Oracle: Then show me the friggin' warrior already! (Giant Boy Detective reveals Dean) What, behind the little kid?
Giant Boy Detective: See, you always do this!
The Great White Oracle: What? I'm not being judgmental, I'm making a judgment. There's a huge difference.
Giant Lab Rat: Oh, this is just stupid! You bother the Great White Oracle for this?! That shivering child? Clearly he's incompetent and I bet he's a sissy!
The Great White Oracle: Yeah, or a crybaby. (taunting) Is this true? Is baby gonna cry? Like a witlle baby cwy, huh?
Dean: (fighting back tears) I am not a crybaby!
Giant Boy Detective: Eh, don't kid yourself there. You're bit of a pussy. No offense.
Dean: I can do this! I am the chosen one! I have the Ring of Power! (Ring falls off his finger onto the floor)
Giant Boy Detective: The princess is completely screwed...
Dean: There's a princess?
The Great White Oracle: Oh, sure! And she is a looker!
Giant Lab Rat: Oh, please! She dresses like a whore!
(Dr. Girlfriend is being taken to Phantom Limb by Klaus Nomi and Iggy Pop)
Dr. Girlfriend: (To Klaus) What are you... supposed to be from The Future, or something? (To Iggy) And YOU! Put a SHIRT on, for God's sake! [To Phantom Limb] Where do you get off siccing your two stooges on me?!
Klaus Nomi: I wasn't in The Stooges
(As the Guild choppers begin the attack on the Cocoon)
Cocoon Navigator Engines online!
The Monarch: BOOK!!!!
(The Cocoon is escaping Phantom Limb's Forces)
Doctor Venture: So...it's a cocoon...that flies...
The Monarch: Obviously!
Doctor Venture: I just realized that makes no sense.
The Monarch: Duh! Monarch! Butterfly, butterfly cocoon, it's a theme thing!
Doctor Venture: Yeah, I get it, but why didn't you just make it shaped like a butterfly?
The Monarch: (The Monarch leans over and looks at Doctor Venture) Because that's gay?
[A Sullustan summoned by the Order of the Triad is flying them to the Monarch's cocoon in the X-1]
Alchemist: Well, I can't help you not save the Ventures from back here in the kiddy seat. Why does creepo get to be the co-pilot?
Dr. Orpheus: [working with his seatbelt] I wasn't the one who materialized him from a trading card.
Alchemist: Point of order: I wanted to kill him. Because I bet he's abomination or something. And isn't there some code about that.
Dr. Orpheus: Unless he is made from dead people, it's still considered murder. Nice try. Got it! It was all crammed into the cushion.
Jefferson Twilight: [waking up] What if he gets hit by a car and he's half-dead? I had this dog once that never...
[The Sullustan launches the ship]
Dr. Orpheus: I hope he knows where we're going.
Alchemist: I hope he couldn't understand what I said about him.
(During the battle, a mortally wounded henchman crashes into Brock's arms)
Dying Henchman: Ah, it's wicked bad out there, sir! I didn't mean to let you down. These five minutes under your command... have been... the proudest... in my... caree... (He goes limp)
(Brock, totally unmoved, callously pitches the corpse into the turbine of a nearby Guild chopper. The turbine seizes in a gush of blood and the chopper plummets downward)
[Iggy Pop is sent outside the Helicarrier to smoke]
Iggy Pop: Man... this is ridiculous... God, it's so frickin' cold, man...
[The Cigarette he pulls out bears the face of his former Master, David Bowie]
David Bowie-Cigarette: Hullo. I'm David Bowie.
Iggy Pop: What the...
[David shapeshifts back into his old body and clobbers Iggy with a right hook]
David Bowie: Make way for the Homo Superior!
(Dean, in a hallucination, frees child orphan laborers and begins destroying the engine they were powering)
Dean: Run, orphans! Be free! And have your own room! And maybe not have to live in fear of costumed guys trying to kill you all the time! And there are no yetis freaking out on you or, like, putting you on a rocketship! Run to a place where your father won't make you get in a fight with a venus flytrap that walks and, with a gun!
(The Monarch's joystick stops working)
The Monarch: What's going on? I've got no go here!
Cocoon Navigator: Um, here's something. We just lost power...like, uh, all of it.
The Monarch: Where'd it go?
Cocoon Navigator: Oh, oh, I don't know...uh, somewhere? Uh...it's not in the engine.
The Monarch: What?!? Someone get down to engine room and find out what the hell happened!
Cocoon Navigator: Oh no, no way...that place is spooky.
Doctor Venture: You...pay these people?
The Monarch: (quietly) Uhhhh, you wanna...see my escape cocoon?
(Hank watches the fight between Phantom Limb and David Bowie)
Hank: Whoa, check it! That's, like, Dracula versus Yoda in there!
Dr. Girlfriend: I'm fine! I was pinned under... I think it's Phantom Limb's leg...
The Monarch: Give it here! I want to kick his smug, limey face in with it.. (Monarch notices David Bowie moving into earshot as he said "limey") ....oh.....
David Bowie: Well, gotta run, luv! (kisses Doctor Girlfriend) Villainous coup to squash; Strangers to execute; you know how it is! Congratulations both of you! (shape changes into an eagle) Ta!
(David Bowie transforms into an eagle and flies away.)
Brock: Doc, you’re OK.
Doctor Venture: I swallowed a gold filling during the crash, so we have to hook up the metal detector to the toilet again. What did we miss?
Hank: The guy from Labyrinth turned into a bird!
#21: So The Sovereign recorded Station to Station?!
#24: And ChangesOne? I love that album!
#21: Could you be a bigger poseur? ChangesOne was a "best of"!
Insect King: No! Not the ring of power! It's the only thing that can steal my black heart.
Dean Venture: Eat it!
[Dean begins randomly stabbing the Insect King]
Insect King: Ow-eeee that fucking hurts! Ow! Right down to the thorax, Dick! But it missed my Black heart.
Dean Venture: Die!
[Dean severes the Insect King's arm and leg]
Insect King: Ow, dude stop already, you're not even aiming for my black heart!
Dean Venture: I vanquish you!
Insect King: Come on, those are reproductive organs! Will you take the fucking hint and stab me in the heart already?!
Dean Venture: I got it! Your evil black heart is where your power comes from!
Insect King (feigning chagrin): Oh no, you have learned my terrible secret!
Monarch Henchman: Come on! Come on! I wanna go with you guys!
The Monarch: Fuck off! It only seats Two! Two!
(Interior The Monarch escape pod)
The Monarch: Wooo, you're insatiable, woman. Now that's one myth about married life we can scratch off the list, huh?
Dr. Girlfriend: Ya...You...know I nev..I never actually said I do.
The Monarch: Well you never said you don't.
Dr. Girlfriend: Well there's something else I haven't said, It, uh, it might... change things.
The Monarch: Is it, "Let's go again?" 'Cause I'm gonna need a few...
Dr. Girlfriend: No, okay...deep breath, Sheila, you've been rehearsing this...
(Dr. Girlfriend takes a deep breath)
Dr. Girlfriend: Monarch, I'm....
(Cut to exterior of Monarch's escape pod)
The Monarch: (angrily) WHAT!?
[Dr. Orpheus carries Dean in his arms]
Dr. Orpheus: Don’t panic, Dean is safe. Safe in the magic hands of the Order of the... [Orpheus trips on Phantom Limb limb’s then drops Dean]
Dean: Ow, hey pop!
Dr. Venture: Dean was missing, nice job Brock.
The Alchemist: Peoples, somebody here lose an invisible...
[Alchemist realizes he’s pick up one of Phantom Limb limb’s. Then has a sinister look on his face]
The Alchemist: Oh... Oh, I'm keeping this.
Klaus Nomi: Did ve win?
Iggy Pop: Kinda. Get the girl. A bonus. Free smokes, man.
[Klaus drags Dr. Girlfriend away by her hair going pass the Monarch’s henchman]
Iggy Pop: Don't bother stamping your feet. We don't do encores.
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