Titus (TV series)

Titus (2000-2002) is a dark comedy based on the life of stand-up comedian Christopher Titus.

Season 1

Sex With Pudding [1.1]

Titus: Dave's my brother. I love him with all my heart. No matter how many times I'm charged as an accessory.

---

Titus: Erin's office. Inflammable. Non-flammable. You gotta be a dictionary to know what burns.

Dad's Dead [1.2]

Titus: Hey, once you've driven a drunk father to mom's parole hearing, what else is there?

---

Erin: So I'm sitting in a meeting when my pager goes off with a message. It says "Dad's dead." So I race out of the meeting and drive all the way to Santa Maria because, naturally, I think "My dad's dead"!

Titus: Honey, your dad is not dead.

Erin: [with dry sarcasm] Yeah, I know that now. [back to normal] Because if he were, what I walked in on my mother doing to him would be so... sick.

Dave Moves Out [1.3]

Titus: All he does is mess with people's minds!

Ken: You're right, I do.

Titus: See, you're doing it right now!

Ken: [slyly] No, I'm not.

Titus: Yes, you are!

Ken: All right, I am.

Titus: Stop it!

---

[Flashback to when Titus was 17]

Christopher: Daddy! My key doesn't work in the door any more! I have laundry!

Ken: [opens door] Laundry? [squirts dish soap over Titus' shirt] Here's some soap. Go find a rock in a river.

The Breakup [1.4]

Erin: You slept with her?

Titus: She said, "You want some pie?" I didn't know it was a metaphor!

---

Ken: (flashback) Hey, it was just a bad call. Bad call on your part! I cheated on my last wife with you! What did you think was going to happen? Caveat emptor, baby! Great ass.

Titus Integritous [1.5]

Titus: I'm doing the right thing. I'm integritous.

Tommy: "Integritous"?

Titus: It's a word.

---

Dave I'm Integritous. It's my gladiator name.

Red Asphalt [1.6]

Titus: A Glock-9 holds seventeen bullets. Is that what we've come to? I piss you off in traffic you need seventeen bullets to kill me?

---

[Thinking they are going to die, Titus, Erin, Dave, and Tommy are voicing their regrets in life.]

Erin: I never got to see Ireland.

Titus: Honey, you never got to see San Diego.

Erin: [with dry sarcasm] That helps.

Mom's Not Nuts [1.7]

Titus: My dad is a negative, judgmental pain in the ass who destroyed my self-esteem and tortured me my entire life. My mom's a violent, paranoid schizophrenic. God, I love my dad.

---

Ken Titus: I hear Looney Tunes made dinner... I'm surprised. Usually, the turkey is saying such threatening things to her, she can't get close enough to cook it.

Intervention [1.8]

Titus: We think you have a problem. It's about your drinking.

Ken: But I haven't had a drink in a month.

Titus: Dad, we'd like you to start again.

---

[Ken, having started drinking again, reveals that Tommy had a dream about Titus in which Titus was naked.]

Tommy: The nudity, it wasn't gratuitous, it was integral to the plot of of the dream!

Titus: [disgusted] There was a plot?

Tommy: You were a pirate.

[Titus moans in disgust.]

---

Rich: You see a man drowning, you throw him a beer.

Episode Eleven [1.9]

Titus: Dad, is there anything I can do?

Ken: See if you can trade yourself in for a nice Korean kid. (a nearby Asian nurse glares at him)

Titus: (pointing at the nurse) Uh, dad--

Ken: I'll name him Ho-John Titus.

Titus: Dad--

Ken: Ho-John wouldn't steal my distributor cap, and I could probably get him for a pack of cigarettes.

Titus: (pointing at the nurse) Why don't you see if she can help you?

Ken: (turning to the nurse) You know where I can get a Korean kid?

---

[As a practical joke, Titus has convinced hospital staffers to shave Ken's testicles.]

Ken: I look like a nine year-old boy.

---

Officer Charlie Regan: You have a custom car shop? I want my Viper flamed.

Dave: And I want my pot back.

Titus: Dave, we're bribing him.

Dave: But he already has my pot!

Season 2

Titus is Dead [2.1]

[Ken Titus is recovering from a heart attack.]

Ken: Jesus was laughing when I went into the light!

Titus: He was laughing 'cause you were trying to get into heaven!

---

Nurse Kathy: Are you talking? Because I'm fine with you dying. The murderer has paid me through the end of the week.

Titus: Whoa, whoa, whoa — attempted murderer. And I would have pled it down to manslaughter. You don't even know the law, lady!

The Test [2.2]

Dave: Here's your sperm, and the wheelbarrow's in the tree.

---

Titus: Dave, wake up. We've got to get our blood tested.

Dave: Is there something wrong with my sperm?

[Titus glares at Dave.]

Titus: I'm sure of it.

The Surprise Party [2.3]

Titus: In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake, and a party. In my family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment, and destruction of private property.

---

Dave: Taco Night is a tasty corn shell full of lies!

What's Up Hollywood? [2.4]

Titus: Dad has found a new way to screw with me. He told me he was "proud" of me.

Erin: Well it's about time he said that. You're great at what you do!

Dave: He got to her!

Titus: Dave, she likes me.

Dave: [slyly] Oh, right.

---

[After Ken's arrest for DWI, which occurred while he was driving his newly-customized pickup truck.]

Ken: You built me a cop magnet! I might as well be a black guy driving a large powdered doughnut!

Locking Up Mom [2.5]

Erin: Christopher, do you think we're doing the right thing? This place is like a prison.

Titus: Well, Mom is like a criminal.

---

[The hospital doctors want to begin Juanita's hearing without Ken.]

Juanita: He's probably stuck in traffic.

Titus: [accusingly] Or in a mason jar.

Dave: Or something you put jam in!

[Titus stares at Dave.]

Titus: Like a mason jar.

The Perfect Thanksgiving [2.6]

[at the hospital, after the Tituses and Fitzpatricks got into a Thanksgiving family fued]

Titus: Oh, Kathy, I'm so glad you're here. That's how much pain I'm in.

---

[Titus has shrieked after having his shoulder re-located]

Dave: Titus, this place is freaking me out. Did you just hear that little girl scream?

Titus: [scoffing] Yeah, what's her deal?

Tommy's Girlfriend [2.7]

Dave: Here's what you do. You give her a fish with a note attached that says "Life stinks without you." You stuff it with chick stuff like little soaps. But erotically-shaped little soaps. Otherwise she might think it's a let's-be-friends fish.

---

[Tommy has misinterpreted Titus' instructions about running into an ex-girlfriend.]

Tommy: You said make it look like an accident!

Titus: [incredulous] Not a car accident! Who are you? Dave?

Dave: Yeah, dumbass.

The Reconciliation [2.8]

Ken: Choose. Who do you want in your life, her or me?

Titus: I don't have to choose between you. I'm not 5... 7, 12, or 16 any more.

---

[Juanita's fiancee Bill is analyzing the Titus family]

Ken: He sounds like some dime store shrink!

Bill: Stanford, actually.

When I Say Jump [2.11]

Titus: Normal people see a bridge spanning a 1500 foot gorge and think, "What a beautiful architectural achievement." Screwed-up people see the same bridge and think, "Oh, I gotta jump off of that!" With a parachute. I'm not an idiot.

---

(Dave is about to push Titus down a flight of cement stairs in a shopping cart)

Titus: Okay, what's the record?

Dave: (through his headgear) Fifteen stairs!

Titus: What?

Dave: Fifteen stairs!

Titus: All right, fifteen stairs! Go! (Dave pushes the cart) Woo-hoo!

Dave: Yeah! (loud crash, Titus groans) Oh my God, Titus! Your head is touching your butt!

Titus: I can hear the ocean.

---

Erin: Christopher, you know how some girls have dreams about being beauty queens, or astronauts, or doctors?

Titus: No.

Erin: My dream was always to be the only girl in my family... to never get arrested.

Episode 27 [2.12]

Titus: My father never chooses me for anything, unless he needs a human shield.

---

[Titus is showing Kathy the video of Ken's drunk driving arrest.]

Titus: Has anyone ever seen a cop that pissed off?

[Dave proudly raises his hand.]

Titus: Besides Dave?

The Smell of Succes [2.13]

[Titus has lost his business and kicked Erin out.]

Ken All of this crap is going to work out. You've just got to quit being a wussy!

---

Ken: You know, I liked you better when you had hope.

Titus: No, you didn't.

Deprogramming Erin [2.14]

Titus: I do a lot of crazy things when I'm drunk.

Erin: I'm in a sack.

Titus And when I'm sober!

---

[Titus has put Erin in a sack]

Tommy: I'm letting her out.

Titus: Go ahead.

Tommy: OWWW!

Titus: She might bite you.

NASCAR [2.15]

[Spotting a hitchhiker]

Titus: It's 1 am in the morning^[sic] in the desert. She's either a werewolf or an alien.

Ken: Maybe she came to our planet to see if there's life in my pants!

---

[Having been tricked by Erin into spending time together, Titus and Ken plot on how to pay her back.]

Titus: What's the worst thing you can do to a pretty woman?

Ken: Throw hot acid in her face.

[Titus spit-takes his coffee.]

Titus: Dad, more practical joke, less lifetime deformity.

Ken: I was talking hypothetically! I love Erin!

Life Forward [2.16]

Ken Titus: Hey! Don't you ever call me again and tell me that you love me and you forgive me!

Christopher: Hi, Dad.

Ken Titus: I would rather a highway patrol officer show up on my doorstep with your head in a bag!

---

Jerry October: Welcome to Life Forward, where people discover what holds them back in life.

Ken Titus: All these people have kids?

---

Jerry October: Dave, why don't you tell us what you really want?

Dave: (sobbing) But I told you! I want to be bitten by a radioactive spider and get super powers!

Gift of the Car Guy [2.17]

[Titus learns that Erin has been working as a waitress in a strip club.]

Titus: Why didn't you drag her out of there?

Ken: You don't drag a woman out of a strip club! You put a twenty in your zipper and you back out, slowly.

---

Titus: Dad, you know she can't work in a place like that. You should have done something.

Ken: All right, how much?

Titus: Something. Anything. Just get her the hell out of there.

Ken: Numbnuts, how much money do you want to keep her from working there?

Titus: "Numbuts"?

Ken: Erin is not going to work at that bar! I don't want to have to check every waitress' face before I pinch her behind. [opens his checkbook] Three grand?

Titus: What?

Ken: Five grand.

Titus: You know, you're amazing? My business is going under, you won't lend me money. I start drinking again, you don't lend me money. But my girlfriend makes you uncomfortable about staring at the nipples of disturbed ex-cheerleaders, and all of sudden you're willing to fork over five grand? Well, you know something, dad? I'll take it!

Hard Ass [2.19]

Tommy: It's Amy! Well, well, someone's turning into a woman!

Amy: Yeah. And I'm looking at her.

---

Ken Titus: There's a huge pile of gay on your front porch.

Tommy: I'm not gay!

Ken Titus: Yeah, tell it to your shirt.

Private Dave [2.20]

Titus: Dave, thank God you're not dead!

Dave: Well, no thanks to you. I was supposed to kill myself an hour ago.

Titus: I just got your suicide note. Maybe next time you shouldn't mail it!

---

[After throwing Titus through a window]

Sgt. Gordon: Maybe you should join the Air Force now that you know how to fly.

Three Strikes [2.21]

Michael: This will be my third strike.

Erin: He'll go to prison for the rest of his life!

Titus: Get to the bad part!

---

Cop: We found this guy outside, hiding in a bush.

Dave: Please tell me they didn't find my secret stash of weed!

Titus: Dave!

Dave: I mean, my secret stash of... pot.

The Pit [2.22]

Ken: Your driver is launching cock-eyed. You might want to have a talk with him instead of looking at the headlines for typos.

Jay Leno: That was very funny. Are you a Nielsen box?

Ken: No.

Jay Leno: Then shut up, then!

---

Christopher: People on TV suck. If you ever meet somebody from TV, I want you to punch them right in the face. It'll probably get you on TV.

The Pendulum [2.23]

Erin: You taught [Christopher] how to swim by chucking him in a lake. You taught him not to stick his finger in a light socket by letting him stick is finger in a light socket! You let a car fall on him; I still don't know what that taught him.

Ken Titus: Cars are heavy.

Erin: Everybody knows that!

Ken Titus: So does he, thanks to me!

The Wedding [2.24]

Titus: Where's my tux?

Tommy: Somebody's bringing it.

Titus: "Somebody" who?

Tommy: Nobody. Dave.

Titus: No!

Dave: [walking in with tux] "I'm getting married in five days." Well, lies, lies, LIES!

---

Bill: Where is all of this anger coming from?

Titus: Well, some of it's from my childhood. But a little of it is from you punching my mom in the face!

Season 3

Racing in the Streets [3.1]

Ken: What's your hurry? Your fifteen kids will still be waiting for you when you get home.

Castro: [sarcastically] Si, señor. But first I have to go feed the donkey, put on a big sombrero and fall asleep underneath a tree. [back to normal] You racist Irish drunk. [Castro and his team walk off.]

Ken: Now that's my kind of Mexican!

---

Ken: Oh, by the way; shorts that go all the way down to your ankles — pants!

Tommy's Not Gay [3.3]

[Tommy has used the words "daquilicious" and "skosh" in conversation.]

Tommy: Oh, my God. "Daquilicious." "Skosh." I'm a homo!

Titus: *spit-take*

---

Ken: Fruits have the same rights as normal people. It's not like they're from Vietnam.

The Trial [3.7]

Titus: I wish everybody had a mom like mine.

Prosecutor: A mother who kills people?

Titus: Person. She killed one person. You make it sound like a hobby!

Grandma Titus [3.8]

Tommy: Do you remember me, Mrs. Titus?

Grandma Titus: Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?

Tommy: I'm not gay.

Grandma Titus: Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew.

---

Grandma Titus: George Washington crossed the Delaware River to get to the whores!

Dave: Delaware is famous for its whores.

Tommy's Crush [3.10]

[Titus is facing off against Shannon's husband Stefan.]

Titus: Dad, what are we, German-Irish?

Ken: White. That's all that matters.

Erin: [offended] Papa Titus!

Ken: In society's eyes, I'm saying!

Into Thin Air [3.11]

[Hanging from a tree, Titus falls and gets caught in another tree.]

Dave: That's justice, Titus! Tree justice. The mighty oak strikes back!

[Titus looks around at his surroundings.]

Titus: It's a spruce!

Too Damn Good [3.12]

Titus: You said I was the worst possible result of an orgasm!

Ken: You took that as an insult?

Bachelor Party [3.13]

[after Nicky's water breaks; two neighbors who can help don't get along]

Christopher: Is everybody here missing a chromosome?

Nicky: Hey, I live here. And anybody with a forehead that big shouldn't be making chromosome jokes.

[Titus frowns and feels his forehead]

---

Ken Titus: Come on, let's go! I'm out of booze and sober is nipping at my heels!

Nicky: Oh, boo hoo! I've got a watermelon nipping at my crotch!

Ken Titus: Now I'm hungry. [to diner owners] Can I get a fruit plate?

Hot Streak [3.14]

Erin: You want him to have your kind of fun. You need to go have his kind of fun.

Titus: [confused] You want me to rip myself a new one?

---

[Ken goes bust at the blackjack table.]

Ken: Damn it! The wussy must be here!

After Mrs. Shafter [3.17]

[Tommy's gay father, Perry, shows up.]

Ken: Shouldn't you be out there dancing with the construction worker, the cop, and the Indian?

Insanity Genetic(1) [3.19]

Titus: Do you know what my first thought was when I heard my mother killed herself?

Titus/Ken: Did she take anyone else out with her?

---

Stewardess: Sir, were you smoking in the bathroom?

Ken: [through a cloud of smoke] Define... "in the bathroom."

Insanity Genetic(2) [3.20]

[The FBI believes that the Titus family to be a terrorist group.]

Erin: We can't plan a hijacking! Listen, we can't even plan a wedding.

[straight cut to Titus]

Titus: Oh, we planned the wedding. We didn't plan on my mom killing her husband at the wedding. That was Mom's idea. She didn't know what to get us.

---

Titus: If you asked them to kill Gerald Ford, only two of them would do it.

[cut to Dave]

Dave: So, he wants Ford dead...

The Protector [3.21]

[A boy at school has been harassing Erin's niece Amy.]

Titus: I hate bullies!

Tommy: You're about to beat up a kid with a bat!

Titus: What's your point?

Cast

• Christopher Titus - Christopher Titus
• Cynthia Watros - Erin Fitzpatrick
• Zach Ward - Dave Titus
• Stacy Keach - Ken Titus
• David Shatraw - Tommy Shafter
• Rachel Roth - Amy Ferrer