Top Gear

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Top Gear (2002–present) is a BAFTA and Emmy Award winning BBC television series about motor vehicles, mainly cars.

Contents


[edit] Series 1

[edit] October 20th, 2002 [1.1]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: This... is a car programme. There will be no cushions, there will be no rag-rolling, no-one will sing, and at the end of the series, no-one will have a recording contract. This is our new base, and this is our purpose-built test track. There are no traffic jams here, ooh... apart from this one, and no bus-lanes either. This... is Top Gear! And in the show tonight: I put 2 supercars head-to-head; Jason Dawe on "What to do when car dealers attack;" Richard Hammond tries to beat a speed camera; and the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car.

[edit] October 27th, 2002 [1.2]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's programme: a super car from a shed in Leicester; a rock star in our reasonably priced car; and how many motorbikes can you jump with a bus?
[On MG's new X-Power SV supercar.
Jeremy: What staggers me about that car, is they can't possibly have designed it in the time since BMW left. They must have had an underground production line that BMW, when they were running it, never knew about.
[making reference to The Great Escape]
Jeremy: [in a German accent] What are they doing in the parade ground?
[Jeremy paces around with his hands in his pockets, as if unloading dirt from the underground tunnel]
Jeremy: [in a British accent] I'm not doing anything, mate... I'm just, uh...

[edit] November 3, 2002 [1.3]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's show: Grannies doing Doughnuts; is the new Mini any good?; Ultimate Force in our Reasonably-Priced car; and the bed spring with a bike engine takes on the Zonda around our track.

[edit] November 10th, 2002 [1.4]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's Top Gear: Steve Coogan has a go in our reasonably priced car; buying a used Nissan Skyline; and we give world rally champion Richard Burns a taste of his own medicine.
Jeremy: [to a young woman on the street] What have you got for a price of a Vanquish, then...? That house there?
Young Woman: Mmm-hmm
Jeremy: Detached house: three bedrooms; lounge, whatever one of those is... three bedroom house, for about the same as the Aston. Would you rather have that house or that car.
Young Woman: The car.
Jeremy: Good girl.

[edit] November 17th, 2002 [1.5]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's Top Gear: The most relaxing way to spend 280,000 pounds on a car; Richard reveals a budget Bond car; and a floppy haired star in our reasonably priced car.
[on the Bentley]
Jeremy: You probably think there's nothing to be scared of. You probably think you can handle it--like heroin. But look... I mean, I'm going 60 miles an hour--just a little cough [lets out a cartoonish cough] and we're doing 70... and then we're going 80... and now we're doing 90... I'm and starting to feel drowsy, 'cause it's so relaxing, as we go past 100, and 110 [trails off]... 130!

[edit] November 24th, 2002 [1.6]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's Top Gear: Evidence that the French have gone mad; evidence that the Germans have gone mad; and as an oasis of sanity, the grannies are back!
Jeremy: One of these days, he's gonna kill himself and we're gonna need a new Stig.
[Presenting the new BMW Z4]
Richard: You can stick a BMW badge on a dead cat - and people would still buy it.

[edit] December 1st, 2002 [1.7]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's Top Gear: Rock star in our reasonably priced car; I learn how to drive a Lotus Elise properly; and it's religious racing as we find the fastest faith.
[on the fastest faith]
Jeremy: It's the 16th Century all over again! The Catholics come in second!

[edit] December 8th, 2002 [1.8]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's Top Gear: A Knight in our reasonably priced car; Maserati's new coupe takes on our track; and lock out your door mirrors: we set out to find Britain's fastest white van driver.
Jeremy: Now you said to me before we went out, you said, "Can you roll it," and I said "No no!"
Michael Gambon: No, I didn't mean--I thought, "would it roll?"
Jeremy: Well, yes, plainly all the evidence...
Jeremy: While we're on the subject of parking, I, um... you know where we nail this program together, it's in the middle of London, okay, there's a multi-storey car park next door, two hours, nine pounds in there. So if you're two hours and five minutes, eighteen quid. Well, I went into Oxford last weekend, parked on double-yellow lines, right outside where I wanted to be, okay? Took the children out for lunch, went to see James Bond, got back five hours later... twenty quid parking ticket. That's pretty reasonable!

[edit] December 22nd, 2002 [1.9]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's Top Gear: The ultimate family cars; what is the best hot hatchback; and the Stig meets his match on our track.
Jeremy: No, you see I had one last week: Boxster S, new car, fantastic really, the most beautifully balanced... I felt like a prat.

[edit] December 29th, 2002 [1.10]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's top gear: The Mick Jagger of supercars; our quest goes on to find Britain's fastest faith; and the Stig sorts out TVR's new coupe.
Jason: ...and the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car...
Jeremy: Yeah...
Jason: ...in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

[edit] Series 2

[edit] May 1st, 2003 [2.1]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's Top Gear: Richard Hammond in a V8 tumbledryer; The classiest way to bankrupt yourself; And we turn up the heat on the world's dullest car!
[while driving a Bowler Wildcat off-road vehicle]
Richard: I am a driving god!
Jeremy: It's in the script I should argue with you, but I'm not going to because I love that car. Anyway, that's it for this evening, and--
Richard: Actually, no it's not, that isn't it, because--
Jeremy: It seems the Driving God has more to say, at this point. What is it, Driving God?
Richard: Things I wish I'd never said...
Jeremy: The thing is, it's a gearbox, okay? It has one job to do! One job! Pull the lever... "Am I a pencil? Am I a cauliflower? Am I a nuclear power sta-- I'm a gearbox! Oh, heavens, I'm gonna swap some cogs around!"
[on the Smart Roadster]
Jeremy: In fact, it has exactly the same top speed as Henry the Eighth.

[edit] May 18th, 2003 [2.2]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A new take on the world's worst BMW; A Starsky, in our reasonably priced Hutch; And the world's finest supercars, head to head.

[edit] May 25th, 2003 [2.3]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A Member of Parliament in our reasonably priced car; A nice relaxing smoke in a new Aston Martin; And a mad Jag, gone bad.
James: What would you say if I said, Perodua Kelisa?
Richard: Ooh, bless you!

[edit] June 1st, 2003 [2.4]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's Top Gear: Jamie Oliver's meals on wheels; A German sledgehammer in a velvet bag; And which is the fastest political party?

[edit] June 8th, 2003 [2.5]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A man sized blast from the past; Renault puts a V6 rocket in your pocket; And which takes longer to change: a gearbox, or a woman's outfit?
Jeremy: This is Sharon, okay? She's all woman, she is the 911 Turbo. Now, standing next to her is Vicky. Now Vicky, on the surface, appears to be exactly the same, but this is a body kit. Vicky's been enhanced, and so, consequently, is the C4S. And, moving along, we find Amanda. Amanda is the Carrera 4. Enough of a handful for most people. Your choice.
[On the Renault Clio V6.]
Jeremy: Imagine watching the entire French air force crash into a fireworks factory. That's how much of a laugh this car is.
[On the Renault Clio V6 with overdone French accent.]
Jeremy: I don't want to go around this corner fast. I want to go home and Make Love and make Cheese because that's what I like doing most of all because I'm French!
[Jeremy and Richard are agreeing that middle-aged men can't drive convertibles]
James: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I have to stop you there. I hate to interrupt, but this is quite honestly the biggest load of limp-wristed twaddle in all my 5 weeks in television. These two- these two are not men, okay? This one, Richard Hammond: every morning sticks his head in a bucket of hair product, right? He's got a dog, but it's a poodle! And I don't know what you're laughing about, Clarkson, because you won't drink brown beer and this is the man who says,'flatulence? Oh, it's not funny!' when clearly it is! Right. I am actually the only proper bloke on this programme, okay? I live in a tumbledown house full of old motorbikes. And I think a bloke can drive a convertible- but- it has to be the right one.

[edit] June 15th, 2003 [2.6]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On this week's Top Gear: The Driving God does a track day; A foie gras car with a luncheon meat badge; And we try to set a new land speed record.
[on the Vauxhall VX220]
Jeremy: You'll notice all these things and you'd would think that that is a pretty car, well done Vauxhall. I'll have the Lotus.
[on the Vauxhall VX220]
Jeremy: A foie gras car with a luncheon meat badge.
[To Countdown presenter Richard Whiteley]
Jeremy: Listen, I want to play a game with you, okay? This "Countdown" thing, okay? This rearranging letters, yes? [Points to a bloke in an FCUK shirt] What do you reckon?
[On the Koenigsegg]
Jeremy: For instance, it's made from autoclaved epoxy pre-impregnated carbon fibre, it's a true semi-monocoque: the front end is mounted on a chrome molybdenum subframe, and the engine sits on top of a machined aluminium dry sump that's also a supporting beam for the rear subframe. That's interesting. And there's more, too, because none of this behind-the-scenes technology has interfered in any way with what Koenigsegg call the general ichthyomorphic design principle, these are the... the aesthetics. And the best bit of those aesthetics are the dihedral synchro-helix actuation doors.
[On the Koenigsegg]
Jeremy: You could drive this thing to the gym, turn around, go straight home again; you'd have had more exercise than if you'd done a workout!

[edit] June 22nd, 2003 [2.7]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A man behaving quickly in our reasonably priced car; A piece of monument valley with wheels; And the world's best looking car, in our hangar
[On the price of a Hummer H2]
Jeremy: And it seems like quite a lot, when you peel away this amazing body and find out what's underneath. Yep, underneath the abs and the pecs is a GMC Tahoe, which is ugly, big, slow, and is completely flummoxed by snow, mud, gravel, soil, grass clippings, drizzle, or even a light breeze.
[On the Hummer H2]
Jeremy: And it stops like a duck on a frozen lake.
[On the Hummer H2]
Jeremy: It's a Roman orgy, a Hawaiian barbecue, a Viennese waltz, and a helicopter gunship attack on Las Vegas, all rolled into one...it's fantastic!
Richard: [On the Renault Mégane's interior] Mothers will be fishing kids out of obscure cubbyholes for years!

[edit] July 6th, 2003 [2.8]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard and James enjoy life under canvas; An Alfa Romeo waving its arms around; And Darth Vader, in a Honda Civic Type Fighter R.

[edit] July 13th, 2003 [2.9]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Captain Jean-Luc Picard at warp point nought nought nought one; The Dutch have made a car!; And bestill my beating heart! A new Vauxhall saloon.
[on Patrick Stewart]
Jeremy: This, bear in mind, is a man who managed to talk on his communicator while being assimilated by the Borg!
Jeremy: [whilst driving a Segway] They're made in America, of course, so that fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy.
Richard: [Regarding Jeremy Clarkson] He is my partner, and also my lover!
Richard: Aw, mate, I'm never going to be able to get that out of my mind! What I've just been: jammed between Jeremy's thighs in a Dutch three-wheeler! Ooh, yeah!

[edit] July 20th, 2003 [2.10]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A 65,000 pound car for the people!; A Range Rover at 45 degrees; And the new Bentley coupe comes to our studio.


[edit] Series 3

[edit] October 28th, 2003 [3.1]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's programme: As you've just seen - The Stig has gone Top Gun; James will be looking at the new 5-Series BMW and I'll be giving myself a brain tumour!
Jeremy: "I love people's faces in traffic jams, they always look so miserable... it could be worse, you could be shot in the back of the head by a marksman." (Stuck in a motorway traffic jam in a VW Lupo diesel)
[on the Porsche 911 GT3]
Richard: The engine's at the wrong end, yeah... so what? Sure, it's a flaw, but it's a flaw like Cindy Crawford's mole, J Lo's enormous buttocks. It's become its defining feature. It's the whole point of the car.

[edit] November 2nd, 2003 [3.2]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: we drive like this... (showing a corner being tackled sideways) on the road!!!... Stephen Fry in our Reasonably-Priced Car... and how many caravans can you jump with a Volvo?
Jeremy: Isn't the Isle of Man just amazing?
Richard: It's fabulous! It's like someone's gone out and designed Top Gear fantasy island specially for us!
James: I was absolutely blown away by those kippers.
Richard: Yes the kippers were good--
Jeremy: Yes but there's no speed limits here James! Ooh I know but the kippers!
James: I'll have another kipper.
Richard: They were good though!
James: The reason, I think, that the Porsche is the best car here, you know when you drive some cars, you get a, a sense that the car is smiling, when you're driving?
Richard: What on earth are you talking about?"

[edit] November 9th, 2003 [3.3]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James drives a car that you can hand on to your grandchilden; I engage reheat in a hot Saab; And Richard almost drowns!

[edit] November 16th, 2003 [3.4]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard drives a green Lamborghini; James drives a blue Lamborghini; And I drive a yellow Lamborghini.

[edit] November 23rd, 2003 [3.5]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: I attempt to destroy the indestructible; How fast can you go in a soft top before you lose your wig?; And we momentarily silence Simon Cowell.
Simon: [On his fast lap] I wasn't even trying.

[edit] December 7th, 2003 [3.6]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard drives a pair of wheeled accessories; I discover if the Australians are better at cars than they are at rugby; And James tries to finish the job of killing our Toyota.

[edit] December 14th, 2003 [3.7]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard drives the new McLaren Mercedes; I try Birmingham's latest head banger; and we stage the first ever Top Gear Boffin Burnout.
Richard: [On the Noble] Oh, look! Jeremy's brought a plastic car!
James: The problem with the Morgan is it's just a car they forgot to stop making in the forties.

[edit] December 21st, 2003 [3.8]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Audi's new V6 ankle bracelet; A moment of madness from Aston Martin; And Johnny Vegas in our Reasonably-Priced Car - which should be interesting since he can't drive!
[while interviewing Johnny Vegas]
Johnny: I wanted a people carrier, but you've slated it so much on the show.
Jeremy: Well people carriers are for people who've given up.
Johnny: Look at me!

[edit] December 28th, 2003 [3.9]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Cameron Diaz tests Lamborghini's lightweight Murcielago naked; We drive Schumacher's F1 Ferrari; And our Star in a Reasonably-Priced Car is her Majesty, the Queen

[edit] January 25th, 2004 [3.10]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, I test drive three different types of pile ointments, and find out which is king of the dangleberries: Anusol or Hemerol.

[edit] Series 4

[edit] May 9th, 2004 [4.1]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: an awful new car from Rover; a brilliant new car from Aston Martin; and the Apache helicopter gunship: can it get missile lock on a Lotus Exige?
Jeremy: "A dog makes a better noise than that if you tread on it" (Regarding a Strokes song the show used).
Jeremy: [trying to out-manoeuver an Apache helicopter's radar in a Lotus Exige] The best helicopter gunship in the world, flown by the best pilots in the world, the British Army, against the best handling car in the world, driven by an idiot.
Jeremy: Get out of the way, Polish lorry! Why are you cluttering up our roads with Latvian milk?
[During the News Segment. Hammond has just mentioned the new mini. He is wearing a bright red shirt.]
Jeremy: Whoa, what are the noises for? Do you like it?
Audience (Including James): No!
Richard: Heck, I do, Actually, I think that looks great! [silence] Maybe it's the shirt?
Jeremy: How much is it going to cost?
Richard: It's going to cost... well, they'll generally be about £2 500 more than the equivalent hard top. So the Cooper S, the Supercharged version of that, £17 500, £15 500 for the coupe. About £13 500 I think for the mini one.
James: That's horrible.
Richard: Well, yeah, but the mini- it's not a cheap small car. It's an expensive small car. And I like that [points at mini].
Jeremy: It's a metrosexual car.
Richard and James: A What?
Jeremy: Metrosexual! It's the new thing! It's for the chap, he doesn't wanna be too butch, he doesn't wanna have like, you know, a big 4x4, he spends quite a bit of money on hair products- [gestures towards Richard]
Richard: Don't point at me, mate.
Jeremy: He's interested in shirts, probably wears cowboy boots- [Richard is looking sheepishly at his feet, which are clad in cowboy boots] -That kind of thing! He's a blend of gay and not-gay.
Richard: [talking over Jeremy] I am not a metro-flamin'-sexual!
Jeremy: You are a metrosexual! I can see you in one of those! [Points at the Mini Cooper's picture]
Richard: Apart from anything else, how would you know what a metrosexual is?
Jeremy: I'm not only in touch with my feminine side, I'm in touch with my gay side as well.
Richard: You're probably right.

[edit] May 16th, 2004 [4.2]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: a pink Ford; a black man's Cadillac; and I go berserk in a Silver Arrow.
[during a news segment]
Jeremy: Have you seen the back seats of the Discovery?
Richard: They're magnificent!
James: Fantastic!
Richard: It's worth getting one-- well you won't get one 'cos...
[Jeremy spots someone in the audience]
Jeremy: Jesus is here!
Richard: Well, we never knew!
Jeremy: Who have we booked as the guest this week?
Richard: Maybe he's not suppose to be on yet.
Jeremy: Is he the guest? That would be something, we'll have some viewers then!
Jesus: At least I'm not too tall for my hair, eh Jeremy?
Richard and James "Wahey!
James: I don't know quite what bling is, but this must be it! [pointing to FAB 1]
[Later, after he has done his review of it]
James: [sitting in the car in the studio] So, I aks [sic] you, is I bling?
Richard: [After having seen himself unable to start a car after being hypnotised by Paul McKenna] I really don't like you.
Jeremy: (On the McLaren Mercedes SLR) "It sounds like the god of thunder gargling with nails."

[edit] May 23rd, 2004 [4.3]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Jordan makes a boob in our Liana; Ferrari and Porsche go to war on our track; And we have some crashes on purpose.
[During the ride to Manchester in their £100 cars]
Richard: If I were a rich man, bidibidibidibidibidibidibidiboom! Okay, I've done "If I Were a Rich Man." Any other suggestions?
Jeremy: If I were a tall man?
Richard: Funny...Very funny...
[James has just crashed his £100 Audi]
Jeremy: Yes, he's dead, so that's ten points away there! And if you want a job on Top Gear, please write to Top Gear...
Richard: No, no wait, look! He's coming 'round!
Jeremy: He's alive!
Richard: He lives!... That's not ten points off, though. Blast.
[about to crash his £100 Audi]
James: Well... It's been good. I met Jodie Kidd... and Stephen Fry.
[on crashing his £100 Audi]
James: [rather upbeat] That was probably the most unpleasant thing I've ever done!
Jeremy: I have a slight problem... My speedo isn't working...
[about to crash his £100 Volvo]
Jeremy: GERONIMO!
Jeremy: (During the 911 GT3 RS vs Ferrari 360 CS) "Eat my exhausts, Badoer!"
[revealing how much he paid for his Volvo]
Jeremy: One pound! One pound! Yes! The Volvo! Losers! Losers!

[edit] June 6th, 2004 [4.4]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Some big challenges; Can you play darts with cars?; Which is faster, a Ford or a pigeon; And can this new Porsche break the lap record on our track?
Jeremy: [while lying underneath a Porsche Carrera GT] I'm speaking to you now from inside one of the venturi tunnels!
Jeremy: Right, what we have here is a snooker table or as Richard Hammond calls it as he arrived this morning, "Crikey, a football pitch!"
Jeremy: My name... is Jack Bauer. And this is the most economical 24 hours of my life.

[edit] May 30th, 2004 [4.5]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Thora Hird's wardrobe on our track; Richard gets whacked with 800,000 volts; and we take three cars to the birthplace of British speed.

[edit] June 13th, 2004 [4.6]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: We ask, can you run a car on a poo?; Have the Americans made something which can go round corners?; And the 'new' Jaguar XJS, is it any good?
Jeremy: There are shanty towns in South Africa that are built better than Renaults!
Terry Wogan: Do you swerve to avoid rabbits?
Jeremy: Never. Do you?
Terry: No.
Jeremy: Foxes?
Terry: No!
Jeremy: No?
[silence]
Terry: ...children?
Jeremy: I do, I do... Children, yeah. I have swerved to avoid children.
Terry: You see, you see, you're too soft for this game.
[on the Chevrolet SSR]
Jeremy: You'd drive that, would you?
Richard: Yes.
Jeremy: You live in Gloucestershire?
Richard: I do.
Jeremy: And you'd drive around in a purple convertible pickup truck?
Richard: Not a purple one, obviously...
Richard: The people poo is beating the cow poo!

[edit] July 11th, 2004 [4.7]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James and Richard try their hand at minicabbing; I drive a smoking jacket from Holland; and our Reasonably-Priced Car says Hello!... to Lionel Richie.
[on the Mercedes CL65]
Jeremy: ...it even has the traditional Mercedes voice activated computer which doesn't understand a blind word you're on about. Let me show you... Dial number.
Mercedes Computer: Dialling.
Jeremy: I haven't told you what to dial yet... Dial number.
Mercedes Computer: The number please?
Jeremy: [quickly] 01785.
Mercedes Computer: 0785.
Jeremy: No, you missed the one.
Mercedes Computer: Pardon?
Jeremy: You missed the one.
Mercedes Computer: The number is deleted, please continue.
Jeremy: See what I mean?
Mercedes Computer: 202.
Jeremy: Where did that come from?
Mercedes Computer: Pardon?
Jeremy: And so it goes on.
[on what it takes to become a minicabber]
James: I had to fill out a questionnaire, have my passport looked at, show my driving licence, have a medical and at no point did they ask if I had a sense of direction!
James: Right...we need to go... right, left, left, right, left, again... [turns the wrong way and curses loudly]
[on the Spyker C8]
Jeremy: Look at this horn, it's not the sort of aggressive thing you get on an Italian car, that "Errrrr!!! Get out of my way, earthling!" horn. It's more... a thing you use to attract the attention of other people in your tax haven. Morning Valentino! [waves and honks the horn]

[edit] July 18th, 2004 [4.8]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard says goodbye to a motoring icon; The fastest car in the world comes to our track; And how good is the Citroën 2CV in a crosswind?

[edit] July 25th, 2004 [4.9]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James and Richard take some cabrios to the wilds of Scotland; I go skiing on the B4796; And can you parachute into a moving car?
[during the Cool Wall]
Jeremy: [on the Fiat Barchetta] Who said it's still a Fiat? What's wrong with the Fiat?
Audience Member: They're not good. They're French!
Jeremy: Where the hell do we get this audience from?!
Richard: A gardening programme, mate...
Jeremy: Do you know what Fiat stands for, the "I" in it?! Italia!
[after Jeremy rants about the MX-5 as being "for people with Beards, or Breasts"]
Richard: You know how it is sometimes, when a thought pops into your head?
Jeremy: Yeah?
Richard: Perhaps it would be better if you were to just... leave it there.
Jeremy: [apparently shocked] Did I just say all that out loud?
[beat, as Richard grins up at him across the bonnet]
Jeremy: I've had another thought pop into my head, about how much you look like Puss in Boots from Shrek right now...

[edit] August 1st, 2004 [4.10]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James tries to get a sofa in a Volvo estate; The Hamster goes to see the 'Vette; And I go off road in a BMW that can't.
Richard: [On the Corvette] The clutch is making my left leg hurt, and the gear change has been taken straight out of a Victorian signal box.
Richard: [On the Corvette] This, then, is America's Porsche 911. But here in Europe, we already have a Porsche 911. It's called the Porsche 911.
Richard: [On the Corvette] So, can this one follow in the tradition of its government and get up other countries' noses?

[edit] Series 5

[edit] October 24th, 2004 [5.1]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: just the thing for an already confused world, another Porsche 911; we get sand in the trunks of 3 muscle cars; and how many bouncy castles can you jump in an ice-cream van?
Jeremy: (About the previous generation of Porsche 911) "[...] it wasn't so much a car, more a place where a fat, balding, middle-aged man could go off and have his mid-life crisis... I liked it a lot!"
James: [Testing the Chrysler 300C on the beach] Stop interfering, you piece of... cheap electronic tat!
James: [On the Chrysler Crossfire] It's the All-American roadster. Apart from the bits that are German...

[edit] October 31st, 2004 [5.2]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: the Ferrari Enzo, the Jaguar XJ220, the Pagani Zonda, the McLaren F1, the Ferrari F40 and the Porsche Carrera GT!
[comparing the Porsche Carrera GT to the McLaren F1]
Jeremy: This car, then, ticks all the health-and-safety boxes. It's like an Airbus, very safe and very civilized, where as the old McLaren... that's like Concorde. Unfortunately, like Concorde, it was flawed. Even its biggest fans, and I'm not one of them, say that the gearbox is clunky, the steering's too heavy, the front's too vague, and the back end... is skittish.
[on the McLaren F1]
Jeremy: You know that bit in Dr. Strangelove, when Peter Sellers is astride the nuclear missile? That's what it's like... You don't know where you're going, you're in no real control, you just know the journey's going to end very soon, and very badly!
[While testing a Ferrari Enzo borrowed from Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason.]
Jeremy: Ummagumma!
Jeremy: This is the division bell between the ordinary and the absolutely astonishing.
Jeremy: That is the delicate sound of thunder" [referring to the noise made by the V12 engine]
Jeremy: You set the controls for the heart of the sun, and just like that... you're on the dark side of the Moon.
Jeremy: Atom heart mother!
Jeremy: It's a saucerful of secrets!
Jeremy: Ohh.. wish you were here, just to feel this power!
Jeremy: These cars, then, are like one of Mr. Blair's speeches, or a pensions commercial, which amounts to the same thing.
Jeremy: All that comes out of the exhaust pipes on this Porsche, are baby foxes.
Jeremy: Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill, and then run over him again, for good measure. They're designed to melt ice-caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands, and turn the entire Third World into a huge uninhabitable desert... but only after they've nicked all the oil.
James: Bill Bryson. Well, I think that man is a danger, frankly. If there is one thing I can't stand it's beardy, sanctimonious, patronising Americans in tartan trousers coming to England and trying to persuade us to turn into a museum. He wants the East End for the cheeky Cockney chaps pushing wheelbarrows full of eels and he wants northernists to be industrialists with big braces and blokes dying of consumption - Good morning Bill, I've got the consumption, it's tradition alright. I say Bill, if you're watching - OK, now you won't be watching because we're not talking about steam engines or longboats or bear-baiting - but IF you've happened to tune in by mistake: We're not interested in your views of stupid Americans who come over here with their big video cameras saying Gee, I love your history, it's just so old. SOD OFF!
Jeremy: Ooh. Just before we do the news, we've had a letter. Got to share it with you... um... Here- pink note paper- all the i's have got little circles on them- ready? Dear Richard...
Richard: [very calm thus far] Oh, right.
Jeremy: [reading] Yeah, I watch Top Gear, I think you're the best looking guy on the program.
Richard: [frowning] That's hardly an achievement, is it?
Jeremy: You're cool- fair point- [he means that it's hardly an achievement to be the best looking guy, not that Hammond is cool] You're cool, good looking, ace hairstyle, wicked clothes...
Richard: She said that? She sounds all right!
Jeremy: Best wishes... that's ah- that's um, Stuart.
[Audience laughs]
Richard: It's a modern world, that's all right.
Jeremy: But it gets better, because would you like to know Stuart's address?
Richard: Not really, no...
Jeremy: The Folkston Wing, Her Majesty's Prison, Broadmore.
Richard: Broadmore?
Jeremy: He's getting out soon and he wants to know-
Richard: But he could be watching now! Shut up!
Jeremy: [Raising a hand to shush Hammond] No, listen- 'What did you do with all of the shirts from the last series; can I have them?'
Richard: No! No you c- Or wait, yes, I- How long's he gonna be... at that address...? Do we know?
James: Um, it's better than that. Stuart, come on in! [Richard is terrified] No, I'm kidding.
Richard: I don't like that.

[edit] November 7th, 2004 [5.3]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard finds the world's maddest car... in Switzerland; an absolutely fabulous Star in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and the new Viper attempts to write its own name... in rubber!
Jeremy: (Reading a safety warning on the Viper) "'This is an open vehicle - drive carefully.' No!"
Jeremy: Anyone familiar with the old Viper simply wouldn't believe the features that are available on this one, the sequel. I mean, it has a space which can be used for transporting goods. Look at this, it has a roof which can be raised and then lowered depending on prevailing weather conditions. I love this - if you touch this button here, glass rises out of the door. And - I love this - the pedals can be adjusted using electricity. This car is so sophisticated it could write its own name." (He then proceeds to write "Viper" with skidmarks)

[edit] November 14th, 2004 [5.4]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard wets himself in a small hatchback; we play conkers with caravans; and a clash of the titans: Aston vs. Ferrari on our track.
[Interview with Jimmy Carr]
Jeremy: Then after Cambridge, it was off to work for an oil company.
Jimmy: Yes, Shell.
Jeremy: Middle Management?
Jimmy: Yeah, middle--I was in marketing, for oil.
Jeremy: Okay...
Jimmy: ...which is technically the easiest job on the planet. Do you have a fuel gauge in your car?
Jeremy: Yeah.
Jimmy: Yeah, you know when that goes into the red?
Jeremy: Yeah?
Jimmy: Buy some petrol. Job done.
Jeremy: They make £800,000 an hour, profit. Shell.
Jimmy: An hour? That's more than I make in a week!
Richard: James, we are grown men playing conkers with caravans.
James: That's okay. It's better than working at a bank.
James: [to a pizzaboy at night in the woods] I suppose you are the headless pizzaboy of the apocalypse, are you?
[during the conclusion of the Pagani Zonda Roadster review]
Jeremy: This is bad news ladies, very bad news. Little Richard has fallen in love with a ton and a bit of kevlar and wires. Look, they've all come down here... [wanders over to a couple of ladies] look, they've all come down here with their bare mid-riffs... and "Richard" and "Hammond" written on their... like that, and it's no good, he's gone!
Richard: I love it, I think this is the big one.
Jeremy: Now, we're going to have to go do the news now before he leaves a deposit on it. Um... oh yeah. So let's do that!
Richard: [While road-testing a Pagani Zonda Roadster] If you are ten and you are watching this right now, it's exactly as good as you think it is. It is actually that good.
Richard: [While driving the Pagani Zonda Roadster through a tunnel] There are demons in here! AND I'M DRIVING ONE!

[edit] November 21st, 2004 [5.5]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's show: James celebrates 50 years of guitar music... in a Mercedes; a Broken Arrow star in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and I tackle the world's most fearsome race track... in a diesel.
Jeremy: Absolutely everybody here was faster than me. [talking about the Nürburgring]
Sabine Schmitz: Yes, that's true.
Jeremy: Do you think I'm going to be able to get 'round in ten minutes?
Sabine: [laughing] No.
Jeremy: Don't sugar coat it like that, tell me straight.
Sabine: You're not one hundred percent talent-free, but... eighty percent?
Jeremy: Eighty percent talent free... right.
Jeremy: [to a biker on the Nürburgring] Get a car and some proper clothes for God's sake!

[edit] December 5th, 2004 [5.6]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's show: How fast can a blind man get round our track? How much Porsche can you get for 1500 pounds? And Britain's most successful recording artist ever is in our Reasonably-Priced Car.
[During the £1500 Porsche challenge];
Jeremy: This was a hugely advanced car when it first came out: polyurethane bumpers; first car ever to have passive rear wheel steering... I've always, always... oh my God, I've got steam.
Richard: Is Jeremy breaking down?
Jeremy: Uh, guys, I've got a lot of steam coming out of the bonnet.
James: Did he say I've got some speed, or I've got some steam?
Jeremy: [voice over] No, it was definitely steam and it was erupting after just two miles.
[Jeremy discovers a leak in his Porsche's cooling system and "fills" it with about 10L of water before giving up, with it gushing from the radiator almost as quickly]
James: Jeremy and Richard have gone off inside to buy an egg, in the hope that we can use that old trick of mixing the egg white into the coolant system and that will find and block...
Jeremy: This, [He shows a chocolate Creme Egg] …this is Hammond's contribution. He's bought himself a chocolate egg.
Jeremy: [on his £1500 Porsche] "For the first time today I have no warning light on the dashboard - all is well. Apart from, you know, the rear windscreen wiper and the electric window and the electric door mirrors and the stereo, and the clock, and the air conditioning, and the speedometer and the milometer, and the piston ring that's eating the engine, and the big smoke coming out of the back, everything's fine."
[During the £1500 Porsche challenge]
Jeremy: What is the next challenge?
James: You've got to spend the change from your £1500 budget...
Jeremy: Yeah..?
James: And with it, you've got to improve your car as much as possible and have it judged by an independent adjudicator who is from the Porsche owner's club.
Richard: Yeah, so you can spend all of the money from your £1500 that you didn't spend on your car... on your car.
Jeremy: How much did you spend?
Richard: I spent £750 on my car, so I've got £750 to spend on improving it.
James: I spent £900 on my car which gives me £600 to spend in improving it.
Richard: How much did you spend?
Jeremy: [mumbling] 1500
Richard: Sorry?
Jeremy: 1500
Richard: So you've got nothing to spend on improving it.
[Jeremy and Richard grumble about James' success in producing a number eleven skidmark off the line with his Porsche]
Richard: I've never seen him do anything that lairy!
Jeremy: That is... thirty-one feet.
Richard: Not bad.
Jeremy: Don't tell him that. Yeah, you did about four inches, mate. Well done.
James: Give up!
Jeremy: Yeah, that's four inches!
James: That's quite good!
Jeremy: Yeah, no, that was me the other day in a Bentley.
Richard: [After Jeremy does an "Asian number eleven" burnout - a rather sloppy 720-degree doughnut, as his car lacks the power to spin up the wheels in a straight line] You can't have that!
Jeremy: Look, if you were from a region of China just near Tibet northeast you'd look and you go [affects terrible "Chinese" accent] "Ah, someone write ereven!"

[edit] December 12th, 2004 [5.7]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's show: Richard takes an American muscle car in a road movie... across Lincolnshire; a 4-door saloon goes head-to-head with a Lamborghini; and it's the Top Gear Awards for the best and worst of 2004.
[on the Mitsubishi Evo 8 FQ400
Jeremy: This is amazing! A fit young racing driver in a supercar and he cannot pull away from a fat man in a four door saloon!
[on the Toyota Prius]
Jeremy: See the trees smile at me as I waft by. And watch the children run into the road, because they haven't heard me coming.
[on the Toyota Prius engine display]
Jeremy: This, I think, is a particularly good way of distracting you from the child who's run into the road having not heard you coming.
Jeremy: (After being presented the Golden Cock award) "I am the Golden Cock!"

[edit] December 19th, 2004 [5.8]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's show it's all about challenges! Which can get down a mountain the fastest: a rally car or a bobsleigh? Are modern-day showroom cars faster than racing cars from not that long ago? And can a Formula 1 Renault get round our track... in less than a minute?
[on the bobsled run]
Richard: Apparently it hits 6 and a half Gs in some of those corners down there. The driver's told me that he's been doing this for six years and he's 3 centimetres shorter. I can't afford to lose 3 centimetres!!
[during the bobsled run]
Richard: [shouting] I don't want to die in tights!
[on the French]
James: They are a bunch of treacherous, land-burning, work-shy, peasants.
James: France is a country you have to drive through to get to Italy. That's all it's for.
James: [to Richard] You're wearing tights. I can't take lectures on physics from a man in tights. Dancing, yes. Physics, no.
[after being overtaken by Jeremy in his Ferrari]
James: Permission to say 'cock' for the second time this y... I've even abandoned my luggage!
Jeremy: [on driving the Ferrari 612 in the race to Verbier] Then you get to the Alpine pass. Them on their bus: dg dg dg dg dg dg! And you're just like, ahhhnn ahhnn ahhnnnn, trying to catch them up!"

[edit] December 26th, 2004 [5.9]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: we splash about in a supercharged German army halftrack; the "What Not to Wear" girls show us how not to drive; and I go Bo! Selecta in an Ariel Atom.
[on the Daewoo Tacuma]
Jeremy: The only way you could possibly drive this car is with a box on your head, so no one could tell it's you.
[testing the Ariel Atom]
Jeremy: So stick that in your sport exhaust, Mr. Kawasaki.
Jeremy: [Yelling at the top of his voice over the wind noise] The Atom is fast on an entirely new level! I have never driven anything that accelerates so fast! [voiceover] It's so quick, it can destroy your entire face. [face stretches in the slipstream]. OH MY GOD!
Richard: [After opening the door of a Mercedes G55 AMG] Unless I have been sorely misinformed, supermodels are powerless to resist a man with illuminated doorsills.
[on the Kia Magentis]
Jeremy: I drove a manual one of these the other day and I couldn't believe it, it went 1st, 2nd... SEVENTH, 8th and 9th. Now, I know what they're trying to say, look, you got two gears for quick acceleration and three for good fuel economy. But actually, the acceleration wasn't that good and the fuel economy wasn't that good and you have nothing in the middle. This one has an automatic, which makes it, well... worse. There's a very good reason why its cheap, it's crap.

[edit] Series 6

[edit] May 22nd, 2005 [6.1]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Toyota's new small car, can it play football?; The new Range Rover Sport, can it outrun a 120mm tank shell?; And James Nesbitt, how will he get on in our reasonably priced car?
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
[on the Mercedes CLS 55 AMG]
Jeremy: "Listen to that noise! It's like Barry White eating wasps."
[on the Mercedes CLS 55 AMG]
Jeremy: "look - it's telling me the brakes have overheated and I should "Drive Carefully" - mmmm NO!."
[on the Mercedes CLS 55 AMG]
Jeremy: Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.
[on the Mercedes CLS 55 AMG]
Jeremy: And you would be going to the golf club actually, because the satellite navigation screen only lists petrol stations and golf courses. Everything the modern Mercedes-driver needs...
Jeremy: Our transport department is now being run by Darling and Ladyman. [...] Welcome aboard Mr Ladyman. Pop down anytime you like and bring Mr Darling with you.
[on the diesel option for the Range Rover Sport]
Jeremy: You can't have this car with a diesel engine. It'd be like saying, "Well, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman...!" Yeah, but... [he grimaces]
[During the Aygo Football segment]
James: Door ball! That's not allowed!
[we see Blue Aygo 2, with the ball jammed inside its door]

[edit] May 29th, 2005 [6.2]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Old Jaguars, should you buy one?; Old BMWs, are they as well made as we think?; And old Mitsubishis, should you drive a car built by an aeroplane maker?
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he's wanted by the CIA, and that he sleeps upside down like a bat... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
[during the news, talking about the Greatest Driving Song]
Jeremy: [to Richard] You! You went on Radio 1 this week, okay? He was on Radio 1, which is a small radio station for, like, four year olds, and he said that the best ever driving song was by a band called, what are they called, the baby-snatchers?
Richard: The BodyRockers, you poor bewildered old fool!
Jeremy: [voiceover] Back on the road, it turned out Hammond's BMW wasn't all that healthy either. But, it did give him a new game to play...
Richard: Ooh! Hold on a minute! I've got it! There's a problem with my brake lights. I have "Connect Three."
Jeremy: [as Hammond overtakes him] That doesn't sound good.
James: [voiceover] Ah, but Hammond wasn't going to steal the break-down honours from me!
James: Help.
James: [voiceover] With the others far in front, and out of sight, my wipers packed up.
Jeremy: [voiceover] Meanwhile, the Jag just kept pounding round. The only time it came into the pits was when the Captain's sense of direction broke down.
James: No, I didn't mean to come in, I went the wrong way!
[on the Maserati MC12 achieving the fastest lap to date]
Jeremy: You know, well, speed isn't everything... I can't believe I've just said that!
[on the endurance race]
Jeremy: It's not the winning. It's not the taking part. It's just bashing Hammond!

[edit] June 12th, 2005 [6.3]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Two British sports cars with forged papers; Dr. Who is the star in our reasonably priced car; And I splash out on a seventies Roller.
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he appears on high value stamps in Sweden, and that he can catch fish with his tongue... we know him only, as the Stig.

[edit] June 19th, 2005 [6.4]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: I test the Cadillac CTS-V; Hammond tests the new BMW 3-Series; and we get three old ladies to test some small cars, because we couldn't be bothered.
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he is illegal in 17 U.S. states, and he blinks this way [motioning his fingers in a horizontal fashion]... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
[after getting a call that his Ford GT has been stolen - while he's actually in it]
Jeremy: If you shut this car down, I'm going to come down there and eat your heart!
[to Ford, via the camera, after his new Ford GT had broken down]
Jeremy: If you don't mend it, I'm going to bone your dog!

[he then clarifies this as removing all of the dog's bones]

James: For sale: BMW 528. 19K, VGC, TNT, FSH, PAS, AAC, OBC, ICE, ABS, EBD, PDC, DTC, DSC. £15000, ONO [May playing with acronyms in his car advertisement]
Jeremy: But unfortunately, its driver had become bored with waiting. [Clarkson walks up to the Audi S4 with the Stig asleep at the wheel and knocks on the windscreen] Stiggy! Wakey wakey! Listen. We're gonna do a race. Okay? You're going to drive the Audi, and see if you can get past the Cadillac. Okay?

[the Stig stares back through his helmet]

Jeremy: [looking back at the camera] You think that's gone in?
[Jeremy has been looking in some boxes of Hammond's mum. He has now found something, and is practically wetting himself with laughter. He stumbles over to James whilst still laughing]
Jeremy: James, look what I just found in Hammond's box. [shows James]
James: [grimacing] Ooh...
Jeremy: They're his publicity pictures! [to camera] Look at that! [flips picture]
James: [mocking] Late-night love...
Jeremy: [mocking, in "smooth" voiceover style] Late-night love on 96.3 Cleveland FM, with Richard Hammond. [flipping through pictures] But look...
James: This is one of thirty radio stations and... [Jeremy finds the picture he's looking for] Oh [tries unsuccessfully to stifle laughter] Hang on!
[both crack up]
Jeremy: I can see why he gets the jobs hosting Crufts. [to camera] Ready, steady... [flips picture to reveal a younger Richard with wavy, shoulder-length hair, resembling a classical musketeer... James manages to splutter "Its like Dogtanian" before he and Jeremy completely dissolve into laughter.]
Richard: [in the episode where their mums test three hatchbacks] Now we're just using boxes of old junk [lifts a box] cleared out of the mothers' lofts. You know, the kind of... the old tat that no one could possibly want, or... be prepared to read [holding up two of Jeremy's books and one of his solo videotapes]
James: [Talking about the Peugeot 1007 electric doors] I think they were right about the Peugeot, because if we'd tested this we'd have spent all day with that button going "bzzzzt" and saying "Hey, this is like Star Trek!".

[edit] June 26th, 2005 [6.5]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A Formula One world champion is the Star In Our Reasonably Priced Car; the Jaguar E-Type and the Aston Martin DB5; and the British Army shoots me in the face.
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his breath smells of magnesium, and that he's scared of bells... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[edit] July 3rd, 2005 [6.6]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Question Time comes to our Reasonably-Priced Car; Aston's DB9 racer comes to our track; and an offshore powerboat against a Mercedes SLR.
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he naturally faces magnetic north, and that all of his legs are hydraulic... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
James: I think I might have Norwegian wood!
[after spending a day with Richard on a Ferry]
James: You know Richard, I really enjoyed our day out, it's not very often I get to take someone out to a nice dinner. [camera switches to Richard, who is now looking somewhat concerned]
[On whether Jeremy will get sleep on the Oslo race]
James: Well I would, and you would, but I don't think Jeremy will because he'll become obsessed by [impersonates Clarkson] power and winning!
[on losing the Oslo race to Jeremy]
James: What's the Norwegian for "Oh, Cock?"
[on the CDs he was given for the race to Oslo]
Jeremy: [laughing] 101 classic speeches from... Mrs. Thatcher! [impersonating Thatcher] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this lady's not for turning.
[in a Eurotunnel train during the race to Oslo]
Jeremy: I wonder what the fastest anyone has ever been... in a Eurotunnel train...? How tempting is it to... [depressing accelerator momentarily] No, no, no no. No, grow up!

[edit] July 10th, 2005 [6.7]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: a rock-star gets in a jam; attacking the Nürburgring in a van; and is a car faster than a man?
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he lives in a tree, and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
Richard: [on the Ford Transit's 40th anniversary, and ways to celebrate the milestone] [...] however, nothing says 'Happy Birthday!' like rubbing Jeremy's face in it. [scene then leads into Sabine Schmitz's Transit attempt to beat JC's 9m 59s Nürburgring lap in a diesel Jaguar]

[edit] July 17th, 2005 [6.8]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's show: I drive the Audi TT Convertible, in Iceland; Richard drives the Nissan 350Z Convertible, in Iceland; And James drives the Chrysler Crossfire Convertible. Guess where?
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his heart ticks like a watch, and that he's confused by stairs... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
James: I bet you any money he's come over to tell me he's stumped by that Chrysler.
Jeremy: James? I'm stumped by that Chrysler.

[edit] July 24th, 2005 [6.9]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Thunderberks are go; we attempt a World Record; and the most annoying car I've ever driven turns out to be one of the best.
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his voice can only be heard by cats, and that he has two sets of knees... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
Jeremy: He's a hugely successful DJ, television presenter, and business man. And he achieved all this despite being born with a terrible affliction... [laughing] Ginger hair.

[edit] July 31st, 2005 [6.10]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James May thinks he's a racing driver; Richard Hammond thinks he's Jesus; and I think I'm going to be killed.
[during the outdoor toys test]
Jeremy: You do know why James is feeling more sedated than usual?
Richard: Tired, scared?
Jeremy: He's had an operation.
Richard: Where?
Jeremy: [whispers into Richard's ear] On his arse.
Richard: Ooh! That's... gotta hurt!
Jeremy: That's ...why [laughter]
Richard: With the saddle and everything!
James: [voiceover] It's true.
[on the high powered quad bike]
Jeremy: This has a top speed - and I know this because I've done it - of one million miles an hour, a million! What really annoys me is that Hammond's gonna go, "Hey, it's really pretty, I can ride standing up and everything!" and I can't. Because I'm too tall and too old and too fat and I hate it!
Richard: It has a 450cc, single cylinder engine that makes a thousand, million horsepower, and it's faster than light!
[after falling off a hovercraft]
Jeremy: I've been killed, I've definitely been killed.

[edit] August 7th, 2005 [6.11]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James tries his hand at being Beethoven; Richard wrestles a rampaging bull; and I develop a sudden urge to marry my cousin.
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he's terrified of ducks, and that there's an airport in Russia named after him... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[edit] Series 7

[edit] November 13th, 2005 [7.1]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: How reliable is your car? How will this new British supercar fare on our track? And the new Baby Aston: how does it perform as an ark?
[on the Stig]
Richard: Some say his skin has the texture of a dolphin's, and that where ever you are in the world, if you tune your radio to 88.4, you can actually hear his thoughts... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
[during the news, talking about the website TopGayer]
Jeremy: The editor is called Rich.
Richard: Oh come on! It's not--
Jeremy: No, he's put a CV of himself in and he says he lives in the Cotswolds...
Richard: Well yeah I do--
Jeremy: He's got a 4x4.
Richard: Yes I have but I'm not moonlighting as the editor of a gay website ok?
Jeremy: He's got a dog!
Richard: Yes look...I've got a...but it's not me!
Jeremy: He's had his teeth whitened.
Richard: I haven't had... I have not had my teeth whitened!
Jeremy: What they just become white?
Richard: In the same way that yours have gone green!
[Jeremy laughs]
Richard: It just happens to your teeth!
Jeremy: Anyway listen. If you are a homosexual and you want to know about... cars, write to "Richard Hammond, Suspiciously Neat House...
[Richard laughs]
Jeremy: ...Dog Lane, The Cotswolds!"
Richard: Thank you!
[also during the news]
Jeremy: Hey, Hey, Hey! Now the other day I was driving behind a BMW Z4, roof down, bloke driving along and he had a bit of a comb over. Now as he accelerated onto the M40, his speed built up, Whooop! He got lift off. He must've been thinking, I look like Tom Selleck in this car. Kinda like a pedal bin, put his foot down on the pedal, Whooop! Anyhow, that gave me an idea; I wonder if the Z4 is particularly bad for that, what would be the best convertible if you had a bit of a Charlton going on.
Richard: Yeah, good question.
Jeremy: So we are looking for volunteers. If you got a bit of a comb over and you would like to know which sports car is best, then please get in touch with us, and I'm being serious, no silly addresses: BBC Top Gear, 201 Wood Lane, London, W12 7TS. Mark your envelope: I've got a bit of a Charlton.
[How reliable is your car]
James: Hang on, I've just noticed something here. Of the bottom 13 cars, 10 of them are French.
Jeremy: Yea, that's probably why they're burning so many in Paris.

[edit] November 20th, 2005 [7.2]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy:Tonight: the best toys in the whole world; a car made on Memory Lane; and Audi's new RS4 races a thin man up a thick cliff.
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he has no understanding of clouds, and that his ear wax tastes like Turkish delight... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
[following the Porsche Cayman power lap; the car has been disparaged by Jeremy for being made merely to fill a gap between the 911 and Boxster rather than to be as good as possible, and because their Producer has bought one as an "investment"]
Jeremy: And he did it in 1:26.7, so it goes...
[struggling to make a space on the board]
Jeremy: ...there. In front of a Corvette.
James: Interesting that you've made a space actually, because I reckon if you sent Porsche 911 and a Boxster around as well, the 911 would've gone about there [points randomly above the Cayman's time], and the Boxster - I dunno - about there [points about the same distance below the Cayman's time].
Jeremy: Yep, you're exactly right, and I'm just looking at this [points to the Cayman's time], 1:26, that's what it's worth.
[on the Porsche Cayman]
Jeremy: It's called the Cayman and I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, "that's not a new car, it's just a Boxster with a roof." You have got a point, it's got the same controls as the Boxster. They should've called it the Cockster!
[racing two speed climbers in an Audi RS4]
Jeremy: I will not be beaten by two adrenaline junkies who call everyone "dude."
Richard: [Into radio whilst sitting in a full-size remote control car as James crashes it] You are utterly useless!
James: [as a passenger in a life-size radio-controlled car, which Richard is attempting to park in an improvised carport garage lined with cheap porcelain trinkets] He's doing it good. Well done.
[the car advances]
James: [into radio] Brake, man! Brake! [the car smashes ornaments on shelves over the bonnet]
Richard: Sorry.
[Richard takes down the whole garage as he reverses out]
James: NO!
Richard: Sorry.

[edit] November 27th, 2005 [7.3]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: the chav-tastic new Ford Focus. The Transport Minister is in our Reasonably-Priced Car. And Richard Hammond and I have a fight.
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his politics are terrifying, and that he once punched a horse to the ground... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
Jeremy: I have an announcement to make. Top Gear, this... pokey motor show on BBC2, this week won--I've got it here--in New York, an Emmy! We've won an Emmy! Check it out!"
Richard: Wow! Can I touch it?
Jeremy: What this is for, okay, is for the best non-scripted entertainment show that wasn't made in America. That's us!
Richard: Why didn't you go and pick up the award fro