Top Gear

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Top Gear (2002–present) is a BAFTA and Emmy Award winning BBC television series about motor vehicles, mainly cars.

Contents

Series 1[edit]

October 27th, 2002 [1.2][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's show: a supercar from a shed in Leicestershire; a rock star in our Reasonably-Priced car; and how many bikes can you jump with a bus.

November 3, 2002 [1.3][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's show: Grannies doing Doughnuts; is the new Mini any good?; Ultimate Force in our Reasonably-Priced car; and the bed spring with a bike engine takes on the Zonda around our track.

November 10th, 2002 [1.4][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's Top Gear: Steve Coogan has a go in our reasonably priced car; buying a used Nissan Skyline; and we give world rally champion Richard Burns a taste of his own medicine.

Jeremy: [to a young woman on the street] What have you got for a price of a Vanquish, then...? That house there?
Young Woman: Mmm-hmm
Jeremy: Detached house: three bedrooms; lounge, whatever one of those is... three bedroom house, for about the same as the Aston. Would you rather have that house or that car.
Young Woman: The car.
Jeremy: Good girl.

November 17th, 2002 [1.5][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's Top Gear: The most relaxing way to spend 280,000 pounds on a car; Richard reveals a budget Bond car; and a floppy haired star in our reasonably priced car.

[on the Bentley]
Jeremy: You probably think there's nothing to be scared of. You probably think you can handle it—like heroin. But look... I mean, I'm going 60 miles an hour—just a little cough [lets out a cartoonish cough] and we're doing 70... and then we're going 80... and now we're doing 90... I'm and starting to feel drowsy, 'cause it's so relaxing, as we go past 100, and 110 [trails off]... 130!

[trying to get a phone number stored on the Mercedes-Benz W220's system]
Jeremy: 349
Female Computer Voice: 249
Jeremy: Why don't you listen?
Female Computer Voice: Dialing.
Jeremy: No! Don't dial that! I don't know who that is, it might be the Queen!

November 24th, 2002 [1.6][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's Top Gear: Evidence that the French have gone mad; evidence that the Germans have gone mad; and as an oasis of sanity, the grannies are back!

Jeremy: One of these days, he's gonna kill himself and we're gonna need a new Stig.

[on the Renault Vel Satis]
Jeremy: It's capable of going fast in the same way that Queen Victoria was capable of running. It just doesn't seem to like it very much.

[Presenting the new BMW Z4]
Richard: You can stick a BMW badge on a dead cat - and people would still buy it.

Jeremy: The star we have tonight in our reasonably-priced car may look like a boy, but he is, in fact, called Tara. And that, I suppose, makes him a girl.

December 1st, 2002 [1.7][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's Top Gear: rock star in our reasonably priced car; I learn how to drive a Lotus Elise properly; and it's religious racing as we find the fastest faith.

[on the fastest faith]
Jeremy: It's the 16th Century all over again! The Catholics come in second!

December 8th, 2002 [1.8][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's Top Gear: A Knight in our reasonably priced car; Maserati's new coupe takes on our track; and lock out your door mirrors: we set out to find Britain's fastest white van driver.

Jeremy: Now you said to me before we went out, you said, "Can you roll it," and I said "No no!"
Michael Gambon: No, I didn't mean—I thought, "would it roll?"
Jeremy: Well, yes, plainly all the evidence...

Jeremy: While we're on the subject of parking, I, um... you know where we nail this program together, it's in the middle of London, okay, there's a multi-storey car park next door, two hours: £9 in there. So if you're two hours and five minutes, eighteen quid. Well, I went into Oxford last weekend, parked on double-yellow lines, right outside where I wanted to be, okay? Took the children out for lunch, went to see James Bond, got back five hours later... twenty quid parking ticket. That's pretty reasonable!

Jeremy: I got a ticket the other day, and I kid you not, for being parked badly. Since when did it become like ice skating? Where they're all standing there, well, no, I don't think that is well parked, 4 out of... and only 3 from the Nigerian judge!

Jeremy: Used to live in Fulham right next to the car pound in London. so you could drive up the west end, have a few drinks, leave the car, wobble home best way you could, wake up in the morning, they've towed it home for you. It was pricy, but kind of worth it.

[Reading the information Audi sent them on the new gearbox for the Audi TT.]
Jeremy: As on conventional manual gearboxes, the transmission ratios are present on input and auxilliary shafts in the form of pairs of toothed wheels. In contrast to manual gearboxes, the input shaft is divided into two sections. It comprises an outer hollow shaft and... Oh, look! Are there any engineers here? Is there anyone here who has that first, tiny grasp of engineering?
Richard: I mean, is it an automatic or a manual even?
Jeremy: [pointing to an audience member] You! You have. Look, I'm going to give you this and by the end of we've finished the news I want to understand that gearbox. Work it out. It's your homework.

[Still on the Audi TT gearbox]
Richard: Is it an automatic or a manual?
Jeremy: It's witchcraft! That's what it is.

[Watching Michael Gambon in the Suzuki Liana.]
Jeremy: You had to look at the gear lever to change there. Which is kind of like reading moving your lips... which I suppose is what you do for a living really.

December 22nd, 2002 [1.9][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's Top Gear: The ultimate family cars; what is the best hot hatchback; and the Stig meets his match on our track.

Jeremy: No, you see I had one last week: Boxster S, new car, fantastic really, the most beautifully balanced... I felt like a prat.

[On the news of the MV Tricolor sinking with nearly 3000 new cars on board]
Jeremy: But there's plenty to talk about. Most important of all, of course, Jacques Cousteau opened a dealership in the English Channel.

[On the MG SV.]
Jeremy: If Oliver Reed and Russell Crowe made mad man-love on the set of Gladiator in an angry brawl, this would be the result.

December 29th, 2002 [1.10][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's top gear: The Mick Jagger of supercars; our quest goes on to find Britain's fastest faith; and the Stig sorts out TVR's new coupe.

Jason: ...and the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car...
Jeremy: Yeah...
Jason: ...in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

[On the Bugatti Veyron.]
Jeremy: A thousand horse power!
Richard: That is an astonishing amount of power.
Jeremy: You'll go from nought to the grave in 2 seconds. Boof! I'm dead. I accelerated... Dead.

Series 2[edit]

May 11th, 2003 [2.1][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's Top Gear: Richard Hammond in a V8 tumbledryer; The classiest way to bankrupt yourself; And we turn up the heat on the world's dullest car!

Jeremy: It's the trouble, brothers and sisters - they're all related.

James: [On his Bentley T2] I've got furniture that handles better than this thing!

[while driving a Bowler Wildcat off-road vehicle]
Richard: I am a driving god!

Jeremy: It's in the script I should argue with you, but I'm not going to because I love that car. Anyway, that's it for this evening, and—
Richard: Actually, no it's not, that isn't it, because—
Jeremy: It seems the Driving God has more to say, at this point. What is it, Driving God?
Richard: Things I wish I'd never said...

[on the Smart Roadster's transmission]
Jeremy: The thing is, it's a gearbox, okay? It has one job to do! One job! Pull the lever... "Am I a pencil? Am I a cauliflower? Am I a nuclear power sta— I'm a gearbox! Oh, heavens, I'm gonna swap some cogs around!"

[on the Smart Roadster]
Jeremy: In fact, it has exactly the same top speed as Henry the Eighth.

[Introducing guest Vinnie Jones.]
Jeremy: He would drive a large Mercedes to a fight and occasionally during that fight a game of football might break out.

Jeremy: Now as I understand it you still hold the world record for being sent off in a game of football, don't you? Cause it's five seconds wasn't it?
Vinnie: Yeah, this was... I ran on and it was like a minute.
Jeremy: No, you've done it in five seconds, that's quicker than a minute.
Vinnie: Well no, 'bout a second actually. Mostly came on...
Jeremy: One second?
Vinnie: Yeah.
Jeremy: See, I'm intrigued, not being a footballist I have to admit, how do you reach an opposing player to commit some kind of atrocity in that time?

May 18th, 2003 [2.2][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's Top Gear: Jamie Oliver's meals on wheels; A German sledgehammer in a velvet bag; And which is the fastest political party?

[during the news]
Jeremy: I was driving through East London this week and I got shot. OK? Now the thing -
Richard: Eh?!
Jeremy: I was shot.
Richard: At last!
Jeremy: Well, they didn't hit me, but they hit the car - no, honestly, the windscreen. So now I've got -
Richard: What with?
Jeremy: [casually] An AK-47.

[on Jeremy being told by his auto glass repair people that his Mercedes-Benz had to stay at their shop overnight so the glue on his replacement windscreen could set]
Richard: Did they by any chance try telling you that the glue will set better if it's left parked outside a nightclub all night, maybe?

[on the Lexus LS300's colour rear-view video camera]
James: You have to get a more expensive television licence to reverse that car.

[on the English translation of an early 1970s Datsun owner's manual]
James: And then in the index, under "H", it's got "How to open the bonnet".

Jeremy: I had a good one with Daihatsu. They once flew me first-class, before I was working for the BBC, they flew me first-class all the way to Japan, via Hong Kong, and then back through Maui and San Francisco. And I arrived in Japan to drive their new Charade - this was, oh, I don't know, late '80s. I did half a lap of the track and crashed it!
Richard: Oh, well done! Well done!
Jeremy: And the guy said, "Oh, don't worry. We make one every 23 seconds."

May 25th, 2003 [2.3][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A new take on the world's worst BMW; A Starsky, in our reasonably priced Hutch; And the world's finest supercars, head to head.

[during the news]
Jeremy: I get confused with 911s. I don't know where they all go. Is that a turbo?
Richard: No, that's not. That is normally aspirated.
Jeremy: So wait a minute, the GT2's a turbo...
Richard: Yes.
Jeremy: ... and the Turbo's a turbo, obviously...
Richard: Yes.
Jeremy: Why is a GT2 not a Turbo if it is a turbo?
Richard: But it is a turbo.
Jeremy: Yes, why is it called a GT2 and not a Turbo?
Richard: Because the Turbo's called the Turbo. You couldn't have a -
Jeremy: You see? Does anybody here understand the 911 range? [silence] No? They're bored, aren't they.
Audience: Yes.
Jeremy: They've been making the same car for a hundred and twenty-thirteen years, and all they think to do is, "Well, we'll call that one a GT3 and that one a GT2, have a Turbo, the GT2, have a GT1, a 959, put the engine in the back." God, it must be fun going into a Porsche dealership, "Can I have a 911?" Be like ordering breakfast in America. [face in hands] "I just want eggs!"

James: Now for some more trouser action.

[on the Alpina Z8]
Jeremy: It must be said, this looks just as good as the original, and it's just as left-hand-drive as the original. But: does it go any better? Well, after much careful deliberation, the simple answer is... no.
[...]
Jeremy: Getting it round a corner is like trying to get my wardrobe up a fire escape. It's very hard work, and it's hard to see where you're going.
[...]
Jeremy: This must be the first-ever tuned car that's slower than the original.

James: What would you say if I said, Perodua Kelisa?
Richard: Bless you?

James: [reviewing a Perodua Kelisa] This [holds up food close to camera] is a bacon sandwich. And this [taps dashboard] is a car.

June 1st, 2003 [2.4][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A Member of Parliament in our reasonably priced car; A nice relaxing smoke in a new Aston Martin; And a mad Jag, gone bad.

Richard: Roy James, who was the Great Train Robbers' getaway driver, was very particular about his Jag Mk 2s. He'd always steal a 3.4 rather than a 3.8 just 'cause he preferred the handling. Not a lot of people know that.

[discussing the Ferrari 360 Challenge Stradale]
Jeremy: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, everybody - have you driven this car?
Richard: I have, yes.
Jeremy: And what happened when you drove this car?
Richard: Well, I crashed it, technically.
Jeremy: Tell the nice ladies and gentlemen about what happened.
Richard: Well, I was going round a corner, and the next minute I went round lots and lots of corners very quickly. Span it several times.
James: Actually, this is why it's called the F360, this model. Because you drive along and you go "FFF - !" and then you do a 360.

[mocking the overly ambitious plans announced by the MG Rover Group in 2000]
Jeremy: They said they were going to make a space shuttle...
James: Yes, a space station.
Jeremy: Yeah, well, they were going to build a space shuttle to get to the Rover space station.
James: The Rover space station would be fab, actually, wouldn't it? It would be dark metallic green, and it would have a grille on that would sort of appear every 24 hours as it rotated, and sort of glitter in the sky.
Richard: And a really nice, a really nice clock somewhere as well.

James: I have to say I'm very disappointed in it, because when I joined Top Gear I thought, "Here we go. French film festival, Kristin... " No. I've been invited to the opening of a car park. And it says, "Yes please, I would like to come to the opening of the car park. I will be arriving, A, by car; B, on foot."

[demonstrating the sense of equanimity to be found in the Jaguar XJR]
Jeremy: This is Radio 1. Now normally that's like having a rusty screwdriver shoved into the side of your head. But I dunno, today I think it's fine. I mean, listen to this chap! [...] And why not? Good luck to you, fella.

Jeremy: Let's try Radio 4.
Melvyn Bragg: [on the radio] Society has not always valued originality.
Jeremy: Ooh, it's Melvyn Bragg's philosophy show.
Melvyn: To what extent is originality about perception, rather than conception? And is originality a concept without meaning today?
Jeremy: I'm not quite with you there, Melvyn. I... I don't really understand the question.

Jeremy: I'm now playing what I like to call Fuel Light Bingo. The rules are very simple. You let the fuel light come on; then you let the needle go all the way through the red until it's bent like that [holds up crooked finger] round the bottom of the gauge. Then, when you see a sign saying "services 1 mile and 27 miles", go for the furthest one away, and when you get there, go past that one too. If you win, you make it home, the next day your wife drives the car, and she fills it up for you. I think it's a great game! My wife doesn't like it very much, but I think it's brilliant. If you lose, you run out of petrol.

Jeremy: [After stopping at John o'Groats at the end of the XJR test] Oh dear, I seem to have run out of country.

Jeremy: For the last few years, the DB7's been an aging rocker, still trying to cut it in a Coldplay MP3 world of Porsche 911s and Foo-Fighter Ferraris. But now, thanks to a cocktail of Botox and Viagra, it's up there with the best of them.

June 8th, 2003 [2.5][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A man sized blast from the past; Renault puts a V6 rocket in your pocket; And which takes longer to change: a gearbox, or a woman's outfit?

Richard: Now, this is really quite simple, OK? Understeer works like this: [moving a model of a Ford Focus in a straight line] you drive down the road, turn the [steering] wheel, but the car goes straight on, crashes into a tree and you die. OVERsteer works like this: [moving a model of a BMW 3-series] you drive down the same bit of road, turn the wheel, but the back of the car comes round like this [showing how the car fishtails 180 degrees], and you go off the road, crash into a tree and you die. Now, oversteer is best, because you don't see the tree that kills you.

[on the Porsche 911 Turbo]
James: So you spun it, then.
Jeremy: I spun it slightly.
James: What do you mean "slightly"? How can you slightly spin? That's like saying "I slightly fell off a ladder this morning."

Jeremy: This is Sharon, okay? She's all woman, she is the 911 Turbo. Now, standing next to her is Vicky. Now Vicky, on the surface, appears to be exactly the same, but this is a body kit. Vicky's been enhanced, and so, consequently, is the C4S. And, moving along, we find Amanda. Amanda is the Carrera 4. Enough of a handful for most people. Your choice.
Richard: You know what, I've always been a bit of a turbo man myself...

[discussing a man who built a race car in his kitchen, eventually having to tear down an exterior wall to get it out of the house]
Jeremy: I presume there's no wife involved in this.
Richard: No. Well... there was, but unlike the car, the wife did fit through the door quite nicely. Fairly early on.

Jeremy: Right, the news! And, um, we're feeling a bit remiss this week, because we like to think on Top Gear we're across what's happening in the world of cars, and then out of the blue, Ford wrote to us and said, "We're introducing a new Mondeo." We didn't know it was coming! Who'd like to see it?
Richard: Yeah!
Jeremy: OK. Here it is.
Richard: ... That's the old Mondeo.
Jeremy: No, that's the new Mondeo. They say it's got 1500 new parts!
Richard: Yes, presumably they're all exactly the same shape as the old parts, so it looks exactly the same.
James: It's got a new radio, hasn't it.
Jeremy: It has got a new radio.
James: Well, there's hundreds of bits in that.

[on the Vauxhall Vectra 48-hour test drive program]
Jeremy: So if you just want to go and see Granny, or a girlfriend in Manchester, and it's a 60-quid rail fare, you can just ring them up, drop a car at your house, drive it up there and back -
James: Yeah, well, what if you want to do a bank job?
[...]
Jeremy: I wonder how many they've got?
Richard: Well, I don't know, because presumably this is the launch of their campaign, it's quite an important moment, somebody spent an awful lot of time planning this and working on it, and the worst thing we could do is give out the number. Which is 08456 775 775.

[on Honda's tips for avoiding road rage]
Richard: It says here as well, "Do not rise to any challenges while you are driving." What, like a duel? "Sir, your driving has angered me! I demand satisfaction!" I can't see that happening.

[testing the Daihatsu Copen's man-compatibility with a member of the audience]
Richard: Oh my Lord.
James: What do you reckon?
Jeremy: He was fine... until the door slammed, and now he looks like a berk.

[Jeremy and Richard are agreeing that middle-aged men can't drive convertibles]
James: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to stop you there. I hate to interrupt, but this is quite honestly the biggest load of limp-wristed twaddle I've ever heard in all my five weeks in television. These two - these two are not men, OK? This one, Richard Hammond, every morning sticks his head in a bucket of hair product, right? He's got a dog, but it's a poodle! And I don't know what you're laughing about, Clarkson, because you won't drink brown beer and this is the man who says, 'flatulence? Oh, it's not funny!' when clearly it is! Right. I am actually the only proper bloke on this programme, OK? I live in a tumbledown house full of old motorbikes. And I think a bloke can drive a convertible, but... it has to be the right one.

[on the Triumph TR6]
James: What a squarehead! Look at it! Blunt at both ends, thickset - I reckon if this car went to the lavatory, it'd leave the seat up.
[...]
James: Good job they didn't give it to a Frenchman, eh? We'd all have handbags by now.

[On a comparison between a rally team changing most of the underbody of a rally car vs. girls getting ready for a big night out]
Jeremy: So the rally team got the car changed in...
Richard: Twenty-seven minutes.
Jeremy: Twenty-seven minutes - and the women took...
Richard: Don't know, got bored, we left. To be honest, we packed up everything, stuff in the van, off, still going, talking, things like that.
Jeremy: I don't think men and women should be allowed to go out with one another.
Richard: I don't think it works!
Jeremy: Men should go out with men.
Richard: You're making me nervous. Stop it!

[On the Renault Clio V6]
Jeremy: Imagine watching the entire French air force crash into a fireworks factory. That's how much of a laugh this car is.
[...]
Jeremy: Oh, and it's the least maneuverable car on the road. Oil tanker captains have been heard to say that their ships have the turning circles of Clio V6s.
[...]
Jeremy: I think the problem is that it's... French.
[later, with overdone French accent.]
Jeremy: I don't want to go around this corner fast. I want to go home and make love and make cheese. That's what I like doing most of all 'cause I'm French!

June 15th, 2003 [2.6][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On this week's Top Gear: The Driving God does a track day; a foie gras car with a luncheon meat badge; and we try to set a new land speed record.

[on the Mitsubishi Evo VIII and Version 8 Impreza WRX STi
Jeremy: And yet, they're both relatively inexpensive Japanese saloon cars. So they've both got four doors, they've both got big boots, and they're both as reliable as... [hesitates] a Swiss... bus driver's Austrian pacemaker! What more could you possibly want?
[...]
Jeremy: Look at the scoop on this bonnet. And they seem to have given the Evo so many steroids it's started to grow out of its own body. You know what these cars should be called, don't you? The Mitsubishi "Did you spill my pint?", and the Subaru "You. Outside. NOW."
[...]
Jeremy: Trying to decide which is best is hard. They're both spoonbendingly, hallucinogenically, lawbreakingly mad and absurd.

[on the Lexus RX300 ad slogan "It Changes Everything"]
Jeremy: I don't want to go home tonight and find my front door's moved, and that all my children are badgers and that I'm married to Frank Bruno! I don't want it to change everything.
Richard: And this'd be a gardening program and we shouldn't be talking about that anyway.
Jeremy: Well, exactly! And do you know, the thing is, that - you know those advertising standard authorities? They always say you've got to be, what are they, truthful... ?
James: Hang on, it's: [ticking them off on his fingers] Decent, honest, legal, truthful.
Jeremy: So that advert must be true.
James: That would be great! You could buy the Lexus, and then you'd wake up the next day and it would've changed into a Jaguar! With a bit of luck.

Jeremy: I've got a report here from the Observer. "Drivers are facing the biggest revolution in the history of British motoring." ... It's the Lexus again, it's changed everything.

Richard Whiteley: They echo, these prisons - have you been in one?
Jeremy: Yeah, a French one. Well, we won't go there...
Whiteley: So we were looking around, the great and the good of Leeds, and from the galleries high up, someone yelled down - can I do this? Can I yell down?
Jeremy: Yeah! Yell!
Whiteley: They said, "NOW THEN WHITELEY, YA FAT ----! WHERE'S CAROL?" And one of prisoners who was accompanying us, he said, "Oh," he says, he says, "That's Jed. That's Jed up there what cried down at you, that's Jed. 'E's a real 'ero in this prison." I said, "Why, what's he done?" How many people has he killed, raped, murdered, drugs has he laundered, money, all that kind of stuff. I said, "What'd he do?" He said, "'E were the lad what nicked your car two years ago!"

Jeremy: Listen, I want to play a game with you, okay? This Countdown thing, okay? This rearranging letters, yes? [Points to a bloke in an FCUK shirt] What do you reckon? Got any ideas on that one?
Whiteley: I'm short-sighted. I can't see that, thank goodness!

[consigning a photo of Hammond's actual Porsche 911 to the Uncool section of the Cool Wall]
Jeremy: And it's left-hand drive, which means you're a cheapskate. The thing is -
Richard: [laughing] That is so true.
Jeremy: He's never overtaken anyone. "Is it safe? Is it safe?"
Richard: That's what passengers are for.

[on the Vauxhall VX220]
Jeremy: You'll notice all these things and you'll think, "That is a really pretty, pretty car. Well done, Vauxhall. I'll have the Lotus."
[trying to break the land speed record for towing a caravan]
James: Right. I've been looking in the Guinness Book of Records. It doesn't actually say that I have to use a car to tow the caravan. So instead I've decided to rely on the most powerful engine in the universe. Gravity.

June 22nd, 2003 [2.7][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A man behaving quickly in our reasonably priced car; A piece of monument valley with wheels; And the world's best looking car, in our hangar.

[On the Koenigsegg]
Jeremy: For instance, it's made from autoclaved epoxy pre-impregnated carbon fibre, it's a true semi-monocoque: the front end is mounted on a chrome molybdenum subframe, and the engine sits on top of a machined aluminium dry sump that's also a supporting beam for the rear subframe. That's interesting. And there's more, too, because none of this behind-the-scenes technology has interfered in any way with what Koenigsegg call the general ichthyomorphic design principle, these are the... the aesthetics. And the best bit of those aesthetics are the dihedral synchro-helix actuation doors.

[On the Koenigsegg]
Jeremy: You could drive this thing to the gym, turn around, go straight home again; you'd have had more exercise than if you'd done a workout!

Richard: [On the Renault Mégane's interior] Mothers will be fishing kids out of obscure cubbyholes for years!

[On the price of a Hummer H2]
Jeremy: And it seems like quite a lot, when you peel away this amazing body and find out what's underneath. Yep, underneath the abs and the pecs is a GMC Tahoe, which is ugly, big, slow, and is completely flummoxed by snow, mud, gravel, soil, grass clippings, drizzle, or even a light breeze.

[On the Hummer H2]
Jeremy: And it stops like a duck on a frozen lake.

[On the Hummer H2]
Jeremy: It's a Roman orgy, a Hawaiian barbecue, a Viennese waltz, and a helicopter gunship attack on Las Vegas, all rolled into one... it's fantastic!

[Regarding Clarkson's review of the Hummer H2]
James: You're not seriously suggesting that this... revolting, plastic fronted piece of pig-iron is a serious alternative to something like an X5?
[...]
Jeremy: Size is important in these things. [beams]
Richard: That's a little harsh.

Richard: This is the Talon riot control vehicle. Big, innit?

Richard: Now that is what I call a control panel. Grenade launcher. Impulse generator! Lovely.

Richard: Well, if things get really nasty, I can always get stupid and just headbutt stuff.
[crashes the Talon through a portacabin]

July 6th, 2003 [2.8][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard and James enjoy life under canvas; an Alfa Romeo waving its arms around; and Darth Vader, in a Honda Civic TIE Fighter R.

[on the Nissan 350Z]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Well, to be honest, I think it looks a bit of a mess. But then it would, because it's a Japanese car designed in America. And the head of the whole project was a chap called Ajay Panchal, who's an Indian. From Leicester. And the engine? Well, that's French. Incongruously, it's the three-and-a-half-litre V6 from the Renault Vel Satis.
Jeremy: [at the wheel] We've had fusion food before, but this is the first time that I've ever encountered a fusion car. Think of it as being a raw-hamburger curry served in a disinterested way on a bed of garlicky jus.

Jeremy: I could go very, very berserk at this point. But - two things are stopping me. One, the noise. It's driving me mad. And secondly, it was on this very road that the drummer with a band called Def Leppard crashed his muscle car, a Corvette, and as a result of that he now has to drive with a knob on his steering wheel.

[causing various bits of the 350Z's internal trim to rattle]
Jeremy: I've seen better build quality on an allotment shed.

Jeremy: The thing is that Nissan have now said, "Aha, but the car you drove was sort of for a, I don't know, a small market in the south of France or somewhere." The British ones, which are going on sale in...
Richard: 'Bout, September, autumn sometime.
Jeremy: Yeah, September, October - are going to have better suspension, bigger fuel tank, different aerodynamics, better interior trim, traction control as standard - going to be completely different.
Richard: Which rather begs the question, why did they say "There's our new car! See what you think. It won't be anything like that, obviously, but there it is anyway."

James: It's a terrible shame Jeremy didn't like the 350Z - I wondered if he might be interested in the 350Z watch. It's a very large watch with a very small face. What do you think of that?
Jeremy: It'll probably go TICK TOCK! TIIIICK TOCK and be very heavy.

James: This is a true story and I am ashamed of it. I was driving along, Ford Galaxy, magnolia leather, curry on the passenger seat. A drunk bloke walked into the road. Instinctively, I braked. I saw the curry tip, I thought, "That's my dinner," I not only took my foot off the brake, I put it back on the throttle! Anyway, if anyone here is interested, I've developed a special new car sticker that says BHUNA ON BOARD.

[on the Volkswagen New Beetle cabrio]
James: All they've got to do is make it in the shape of a proper car and it'll be terrific.

[driving the New Beetle with the top down in the rain]
Richard: I'm not sure this was such a smart idea.
James: Why, do you think they just think we're a pair of screaming -
Richard: Well, exactly.
James: Yes.

James: What we want in Britain is a convertible car for sunny days, and a hardtop for the other 364.

James: [Commenting on the Audi A4 convertible] No, it's just not right. A diesel cabrio is like a supermodel smoking a pipe.

[testing the flappy paddle gearshift in the Citroën C3 Pluriel]
Richard: It's hopeless. I'm changing gear, right, I'm going to put it in second to go round this corner, that's OK, now I'm going to wait for third... and now it's changed. And I'm going to select fourth... no... oh! Now I've got it. [addressing the car] Wha - HAVE YOU GOT SOMETHING ELSE ON?!

[on the Daihatsu Copen]
James: You're not going to get this, I know, but that car, it's small, it's silly, all it does is make the rest of the world massive. You know like the Incredible Shrinking Man in that film, where the telephone keeps getting bigger in his hand?
Jeremy: No.
James: All right.
Jeremy: But I'm sure it happened, I'm not saying it didn't happen, I just don't remember it.
James: OK, well, it's a bit like that. You sort of drive around amongst these massive road signs and huge hatchbacks, it's absolutely brilliant.
Richard: Can't say I noticed it myself, I thought it was all right, but, um...
[...]
Jeremy: It's not so much a car as a shoe.

Jeremy: I have three donkeys at home.
Jodie Kidd: Do you?
Jeremy: Geoffrey, Eddie, and Kristin Scott Donkey. I do! I adore my donkeys. They are my life, they're everything. I just think they're fantastic.
Jodie: Very noisy.
Jeremy: Depends what you do to them.

July 13th, 2003 [2.9][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Captain Jean-Luc Picard at warp point nought nought nought one; the Dutch have made a car!; and be still my beating heart! A new Vauxhall saloon.

[on the Volvo S60 R, the test model of which has orange leather seats]
Jeremy: It's only when you really concentrate that you start to pick up the clues. The big alloy wheels. The blue engine cover. The seats, which seem to have been made out of David Dickinson.
[...]
Jeremy: It's very relaxing. I can just sit here listening to the excellent stereo and speculate on whether or not these seats aren't really David Dickinson at all. They might be an offcut of Dale Winton.

[during the news]
James: All right, look, here's a proper piece of British ingenuity: a bloke called Geoff, he's made a steam-powered bicycle after 30 years' work. He started work on it in 1972. Roughly 250 years after the steam engine was invented.
Richard: It's not really on the cutting edge, is it.
James: Well, what this bloke has done, he has taken one old technology, one outdated technology, he's combined them to create something genuinely useless. It's brilliant!

[on the Rover Streetwise]
Jeremy: They're saying it's an "urban on-roader". If we analyze that, an "urban on-roader" is a car designed to go on the road in town. So... it's a car. Isn't it.
Richard: Essentially, yes.
[...]
Jeremy: [consulting press release] They are saying that: it has got a split folding rear seat...
James: Like a car.
Jeremy: Yeah. It's available with a selection of petrol and diesel power units...
Richard: Well, that is clever.
James: Like a car.
Richard: Yeah, yeah.
Jeremy: ... various transmissions, three trim levels...
James: Car-like.
Jeremy: Yup, very car-like... "It's fun to drive, handy in traffic, easy to park and and able to shrug off hard use by active individuals and young families."
Richard: They've put some thought into this, haven't they?
Jeremy: "Has elements of the SUV appeal," no it doesn't, it's not four-wheel-drive, "with good ground clearance and ruggedness but without the cost and complexity of 4x4 transmission."
James: It's a car.
Jeremy: It's a car. "At the same time it offers good all-round performance and capability out of town, from motorways to farm tracks!"
Richard: [impressed] So you can drive out of town as well!
Jeremy: It's not just an urban on-roader, it's a motorway on-roader as well! And it can do farm tracks, but nothing too difficult, OK?

Jeremy: [whilst driving a Segway] They're made in America, of course, so that fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy.

Jeremy: You're the most famous guest we've ever had on.
Patrick Stewart: This must be a terrible show, then.

[Patrick Stewart has objected to Jeremy's pro-cell-phones-while-driving stance]
Jeremy: This, bear in mind, is a man who managed to talk on his communicator while being assimilated by the Borg!
Patrick: But I've had a lot of practice at that, you see.

[on Stewart's Jaguar XJS]
Patrick: It's actually named in my will, I told my son that he was going to get it - he's getting sod-all else, mind you, and the car isn't actually worth that much.

[on Sir Michael Gambon]
Patrick: He's a colleague and an excellent actor, but I would like to see him eat my dust.

Jeremy: How did you find the car?
Patrick: Ordinary.

Richard: [Regarding Jeremy Clarkson, with exaggerated Dutch accent] He is my partner, and also my lover! (a catchphrase of The Dutch Coppers, characters from Harry Enfield's Television Programme)

Richard: Aw, mate, I'm never going to be able to get that out of my mind! What I've just been: jammed between Jeremy's thighs in a Dutch three-wheeler! Ooh, yeah!

Jeremy: First thing I do when I move into a new flat or a new house, forget the curtains and the carpets and the cooker - you get your television, your stereo, and your PlayStation up and running. It's why I understand this car. It's perfectly reasonable to have a fridge-cum-DVD player instead of a seat. It's the obvious thing to do. It's fantastic!
Jeremy: [voiceover] Mumsy cars have lots of seats and are as sensible as big knickers, but this has lots of gadgets. So it's the world's first dadsy car.

July 20th, 2003 [2.10][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A £65,000 car for the people!; a Range Rover at 45 degrees; and the new Bentley coupé comes to our studio.

Richard: Now normally driving a TVR with any sense of purpose is like chatting to a bloke in the pub and, you know, he says "Well, yeah, we went on 'oliday, took the missus, in the caravan," and then boomf!, punches you in the face, no warning. This, though... it's got understeer! It's telling me, it's saying, "I gotta let you know, you're gettin' on my nerves a little bit." It hasn't lost the lairiness, but it's just been to anger management.

James: Right, the news, and we begin today with a, well, probably the best piece of news I've ever heard since I was born. An event, in fact, which eclipses the very miracle of my birth.
Richard: Hang on, the best piece of news you've ever heard ever?
Jeremy: What is it?
James: [beaming] They're going to stop making the Beetle.
Richard: And that's it.
James: That is fantastic. No, the old one. They're still making it until the 30th of July and then it stops forever.
Richard: And why is that so good?
Jeremy: Why do you hate it so much?
James: Do you really want me to do it?
Jeremy: Well, no, just... I can't imagine...
James: OK. It's a rubbish car.
Richard: That's incisive.
James: That's the first thing, it's a rubbish car. Secondly, it was a scandal. OK? That car was stolen from a Czech bloke called Ledwinka, I think, by Hitler and his henchmen, they put it into production, they stole money off the German people to build it and to build a factory, they never got a car, instead they used the factory and slave Russian labor from the Eastern front -
Jeremy: You can't blame a car for Hitler!

[Jeremy is reporting on the Goodwood Festival of Speed, where, as he previously noted, he was waved to by Elle Macpherson]
Jeremy: I went up the hill in the - there's a hill that you basically drive the, all the cars go up - and I went up in the McLaren Mercedes.
Both : [in unison] The SLR.
Jeremy: The new SLR.
Richard: Yeah. Stunning thing. And?
Jeremy: Well, I was still a bit drunk, so I have - there it is, look - um, I think... I have... I dunno.
James: So hang on, it - so you're probably the first UK journalist to get in that car.
Jeremy: Yeah.
James: We've been talking about it for what now, two years, probably?
Richard: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
James: And you went up the hill... drunk... waving at MacPherson Strut or whatever her name is out of the window.
Jeremy: I wasn't driving it, I was slumped in the passenger seat.
James: Oh, well, that's all right, then! Who was driving it?
Richard: Can you tell us anything about it?
Jeremy: It made a jolly loud noise in the condition I was in, that was for sure. It sounded like a Messerschmitt had mated with a Spitfire.
Richard: To your drunken brain at the time.
Jeremy: [imitates engine noise], only louder than that.
Richard: You wouldn't make much of a war correspondent, would you, standing there in war-torn wherever with a desolated landscape, "So, Jeremy, what happened?" "Dunno! Drunk, missed it. Found it like this."

[on the Volkswagen Phaeton]
Jeremy: [voiceover] This is the first-ever recorded example of a German joke: a Volkswagen that costs £65,000.
[mimes wiping tears of mirth from his eyes while a sitcom laugh track plays, then becomes serious]
Jeremy: But actually... it isn't funny.

Jeremy: Apparently, Piëch insisted that you should be able to drive the Phaeton all day at 186 miles an hour, when it's 120 degrees outside, and the air conditioning must be able to maintain a temperature in the car of 71.6 degrees. My! I bet he was fun to go out with of an evening.

Jeremy: And round at the front, things get even more... German.

[on the Cadillac Sixteen]

James: I like luxury. It's the new performance.
[...]
Jeremy: Now this is what I call shock and awe.

[on the Overfinch-modified Range Rover]
Jeremy: It's a bit like sliding down a black run in a wardrobe. It's a giggle, but you've got no real say in your direction of travel.

Jeremy: If you have any thoughts or opinions on what you've seen in the last ten weeks, do please keep them to yourselves.

Series 3[edit]

October 26th, 2003 [3.1][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's programme: As you've just seen - The Stig has gone Top Gun; James will be looking at the new 5-Series BMW and I'll be giving myself a brain tumour!

[on the BMW 5-series]
James: Now, the old 5-series famously had more computing power than the Apollo spacecraft that went to the Moon, but this one seems to be boldly going where no executive car has gone before.

[after James's 5-series film]
Jeremy: Were you... in any way unwell when you recorded that?
James: Well, actually, I did have a really bad dose of the pox.
Jeremy: That explains it. Because anybody whose eyes were working probably would recognize that this is the ugliest thing - it is!
James: It is a superb-looking car.
Jeremy: It's the first car ever where children will be sick before they get in the back.
James: Rubbish.
[...]
James: All right. You are an executive - this is going to take a bit of imagination - you're an executive, OK, and you've got to buy a new car. You're not going to buy that S-Type Jag, are you? It's a great drive but you wouldn't let your kids sit around with their mouths open like that. E-Class Mercedes, now, you've got a Mercedes, how much have you enjoyed it over the summer?
Jeremy: No, I haven't, it's been innnnn the shop the entire time. It goes in broken, it comes back more broken and goes in again. That's pretty much Mercedes ownership these days.
James: Right. So you're not having one of those.
Jeremy: No.
James: You're not having an Audi A6 'cause it's too old.
Jeremy: Uh, no.
James: You're not having a Kia Magentis 'cause it's stupid.
Jeremy: I might!
James: No you wouldn't.
Jeremy: No, you're right, I wouldn't.
James: And you're not going to have an Alfa 166 because nobody would buy a new one.
Jeremy: No.
James: You, Jeremy Clarkson, you are the European director of photocopying, brackets, toner distribution. [points to the 5-series] You will buy one of these!
Jeremy: I've suddenly decided I don't want to talk to you any more.

[on the diesel VW Lupo]
Jeremy: No one knows what torque is, but this has 144 of them.

[in a jam on the M25 during the diesel Lupo test]
Jeremy: I love people's faces in traffic jams, they always look so miserable. Could be worse, you could be shot in the back of the head by a marksman.

[Jeremy has bought a kitschy rooster figurine with the money he saved driving the diesel Lupo around the M25]
James: Do you honestly think I am going to put up with a small diesel hatchback just so that I can have a golden cock?
Jeremy:Yes, almost certainly!

James: But on a small hatchback, OK, when you drive one of those and it's a diesel, it says three things about you. One is, you're tighter than two coats of paint. The second is that you care so much about the environment that you want to leave a little protective sooty film over it. And the third one is, you're probably French.
Jeremy: I've suddenly remembered why I don't like talking to you.

Jeremy: We get a hundred million letters every week from women complaining about their men's love of cars.
Richard: This is true. We do.
Jeremy: We don't write to Trinny and Susannah on What Not to Wear and complain about women coming out of changing rooms going, "This dress is perfect and I like the color, I'll try something else on."
Richard: No we don't.

[reading viewer mail]
Richard: "Hi, Jeremy!" With an exclamation mark. Very irritating. This is from Claire, and she signed it with a little X, which is like a little kiss. "My boyfriend has just bought a new Audi A3." Fair enough. "Now he's driving me mad with this new game he has where he tries to plip the remote locking from as far away as possible. Is he normal?" Yes! Clearly!

[discovering that his SL55's remote unlocker works from further away if he holds it against his temple]
Jeremy: What have I done to my head?!

[watching a video of automotive tomfoolery from Saudi Arabia]
Jeremy: This is what happens when you don't let people drink.

[on the Porsche 996 GT3]
Richard: It makes no apologies for what it is, so if you want a comfy ride, get another car. If you want to be cool on a hot day, get another car. If you want height adjustment on the seats... which I don't... get another car.

[on the 911 series engine placement, behind the rear axle]
Richard: Now, technically, that's just wrong. It's like building a pyramid with the pointy bit at the bottom. It was a daft idea when they first did it 40 years ago, and on paper it still is today.
[...]
Richard: In the '70s and '80s, the 911 was the Grim Reaper's company car. Huge crowds would gather at roundabouts to watch fat stockbrokers climb trees in their Porsches.
[...]
Richard: Look, ma, I'm going sideways!
[...]
Richard: The engine's at the wrong end, yeah... so what? Sure, it's a flaw, but it's a flaw like Cindy Crawford's mole. J.Lo's enormous buttocks. It's become its defining feature. It's the whole point of the car. The GT3 is final and absolute proof that evolution works.

[on the Black Stig crashing into the sea]
Jeremy: Uhh... that was not supposed to happen.

November 2nd, 2003 [3.2][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: we drive like this... (showing a corner being tackled sideways) on the road!!!... Stephen Fry in our Reasonably-Priced Car... and how many caravans can you jump with a Volvo?

Jeremy: I have some bad news. The Stig is dead.

[on the Isle of Man]
Jeremy: It's like Beverly Hills with kippers.

[on the BMW M3 CSL
Jeremy: Think of it as a BMW with bulimia.
[...]
Jeremy: You even look at that engine, it'll kill you.
[...]
Jeremy: You have to sign a disclaimer before you buy a CSL saying that you understand that the tyres won't work in the rain or if it's a bit chilly. What a car!

[on caravanners]
Richard: Every summer they arrive, ruining our roads just so they can pull up side by side with their new best friends and pee in a bucket.

James: In 1979 in Britain, the BMW M1 cost about £35,000, which sounds very reasonable. Until you discover that the Ferrari 308 GTS was less than 20 grand. And here's another thing, look. [raps on door panel] GRP, or plastic to you - on a BMW. How much worse could it get? Well, while the car was being designed, the rules for sports racing cars were changed, so by the time it came out, it wasn't competitive anyway. What a farce.

Richard: There's no end of sensible, practical cars that'll happily rip your face off, and we owe it all to the M5.

Jeremy: Isn't the Isle of Man just amazing?
Richard: It's fabulous! It's like someone's gone out and designed Top Gear Fantasy Island specially for us!
James: Oh, if the Isle of Man was this great, I'd be absolutely blown away by the Isle of Woman.
Richard: Yes, the kippers were good —
Jeremy: Yes, but there's no speed limits here, James! "Ooh I know, but the kippers!"
James: I'd rather the pussy cat than the kipper.
Richard: They were good, though!

Jeremy: (To Stephen Fry) Have you, um, have you been to the Isle of Man?
Stephen: Yes, you go to the airport, you say "I love Man!" and they say, "Not here you don't!"

Jeremy: You could be birched for loving man there.
Stephen: Yes, which is something people pay a lot of money for in London, so it's like a free service.

Jeremy: Some of the laws they have are fabulous! Handguns, for instance, are legal there! And you can be charged with "furious driving"! I'd love to have that on my licence!

Stephen: Well, I'm a sort of lefty in a way, but I cannot tell you the overmastering hatred I feel, the waves of disgust when there is that, that frowny-faced woman on the bicycle who looks at you as if you are the symbol of all capitalism and meat-eating and penis-owning - you know, you are the enemy of the people, you are the enemy of the planet, you are globalization - you are Capitalism with a huge cigar - just because you might've slightly blown her off course on her blasted bicycle!

Jeremy: You will never hear anyone say, "Look at that maniac in that Saab!"

Stephen: I came so close to losing my licence almost exactly a year ago. I was pootling along the M11 at a hundred and *hrm* miles per hour, and fortunately they took an average, which was 99.8.
Jeremy: An average from when you got into the car.
Stephen: Yes, quite. From the centre of London.

[on the benefits of driving a decommissioned black cab in London]
Stephen: Other cabs let you in, you know - "cabaraderie", I call it.

Jeremy: But it's strange, because most of the people I know who speak Latin find cars really rather trivial and infantile.

Stephen: Yes... yes... you've written well and turgidly about Norfolk! Not turgidly, exactly.
Jeremy: Well, it was just, that time, the first - well, not the first time I went there, but I can remember, not that long ago, driving along a main road, filled up with petrol and I gave the bloke in the cashpoint my credit card... he just put it in the till! "No, no... no, no... you're supposed to swipe it..."
Stephen: This is the home of Lotus! It's an advanced, sophisticated county!
Jeremy: Now, you see, that was a bad example.
Stephen: Well, there were the - all right, but it's a... it's a mysterious county. There are - you go through a beautiful Old World village with a sort of mullion-windowed rectory with ivy over it and the squire's house and a beautiful old church, and then a sign saying, "HOT RODDING".

[watching himself on tape driving the reasonably-priced car]
Stephen: Look at him, doesn't he look a ****.

James: Obviously, driving a convertible yellow Porsche raises certain sociological issues. I mean, some people are going to look at me, I know, and think I'm a merchant banker.

[on the Honda S2000]
Jeremy: So it's powerful, extraordinary value for money, and more reliable than a wood-burning stove.

James: The reason the Porsche, I think, is the best car is, you know when you drive some cars, you get a, a sense that the car is smiling, when you're driving?
Richard: What on Earth are you talking about?

[on the BMW Z4]
Jeremy: This ride is totally unacceptable.

James: You're such a pair of wittering nancy boys.

November 9th, 2003 [3.3][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James drives a car that you can hand on to your grandchildren; I engage reheat in a hot Saab; And Richard almost drowns!

[on the Bentley Continental GT]
Jeremy: There's no way the aristocracy is going to buy this car. I mean, these days they have to burn their children just to stay warm, and all their furniture's held together by the moths that ate it.
[...]
Jeremy: It's like doing 5000 miles an hour in Douglas Bader's sponge bag.
[criticising the armrests]
Jeremy: They are completely pointless. Speaking of which: this button here allows you to adjust the hardness of the suspension, like so. Why do you need that? Why would you want to make your Bentley more uncomfortable? It really is as useful as a snooze button on a smoke alarm.
[...]
Jeremy: The old four-door Arnage is a symphony of pomp and circumstance, hope and glory - absolute power corrupting absolutely. Oh, it isn't very good, but there's such a sense of occasion when you drive it. This is the other way round: brilliant, sensationally fast, handles beautifully, and it'll almost certainly be reliable. But it leaves you feeling... just a little bit cold.

[after pausing the playback of his escape-from-a-sinking-car film]
Richard: And we'll find out later if I die.

[on the Jaguar R-D6 concept car]
James: But the bit I really like is the inside. Have a look at this. Now have a look at that black leather and all those shiny bits, and those red lights down in the footwell. Now clearly a Jaguar designer got completely lashed at a vodka bar and thought, [in drunken voice] "Uhh, I'll make it look like thish then." So obviously there'll be a bouncer on the door, telling you you can't come in 'cause you've got trainers on.
Richard: It's a gorgeous-looking thing, I think it's fab. But here's the thing I don't get about Jaguar concept cars. Two years ago, about then, they showed us XK180, and there it is, that was to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like. But then last year, they did the R Coupé, to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like. And now they're back again with this, to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like.
James: Now look, Jaguar. You have made your point. Just make the car.

[interviewing Rob Brydon]
Jeremy: You have had the most wretched car history of anyone I've ever, ever met. We start off, where were we, radio DJ...
Rob: [DJ voice] BBC Radio Wales. Good morning!
Jeremy: You bought yourself a Volkswagen Polo.
Rob: Brand new.
Jeremy: Brand new! Things going well. Your next car... is a third-hand Vauxhall Carlton. What in God's name possessed you to do that?
Rob: You know, my dad came across it, you know, it was reasonably priced... it was a big, brown Vauxhall Carlton -
Jeremy: Brown!
Rob: Wait, let me finish. It was a big brown Vauxhall Carlton, the inside was a kind of creamy sort of biscuit colour, it was velour, the seats. It was a nice car, it got me from A to B, that was not the worst of my cars.
Jeremy: What, you're trying to say the green Sierra you had was -
Rob: That was the worst, yes.
Jeremy: What possessed you to do that?
Rob: Um, my dad came across it, you know, it was a good price...
Jeremy: Did you branch out on your own for the 1992 Ford Escort?
Rob: Now! The 1992 Ford Escort, I thought, and I don't know anything about cars -
Jeremy: That's obvious.
Rob: - was quite a sexy little car. I quite liked it, actually.
Jeremy: Have you ever actually watched Top Gear? 'Cause you might...
Rob: I've never seen a whole one, no. [Jeremy looks dismayed, audience applauds] It clashes with Heartbeat, OK, which goes against you.
Jeremy: I know! But I do make a special effort to watch Marion and Geoff. You should try to watch one all the way through. Because after the Escort... you're not going to believe this, ladies and gentlemen...
Rob: Oh, I know what you're going to say now, yeah. OK.
Jeremy: ... a Mitsubishi Carisma. Why on Earth did you buy one of those?
Rob: Well, my dad came across it... [audience laughs]

Jeremy: Anyone who sits in the back of a four-seater convertible looks like Hitler.

James: The British toff: though rare and endangered, they are easy to identify. They are most readily spotted in the countryside, because they own it. Distinguishing features include their clothing, which used to belong to their parents, and their characteristic mating call of "Harrumph."

[on the Subaru Legacy Outback]
James: I almost forgot to tell you what it's like to drive. Well, I quite like it, actually. It's relaxing and it's... unstressful.

Richard: This whole survey throws up some fascinating stuff. Like the Porsche 911. A favorite car of mine, known for its... somewhat scary handling sometimes. Ninety-six percent of 911 owners in this survey claim to be absolutely satisfied with their car's handling, which is very good. It leaves four percent, and they probably were entirely satisfied with the handling of their 911 right up until they hit the tree. Then they changed their mind.
Jeremy: Yeah, but think of it this way. The people who got their bone marrow and their eyes are very satisfied with the handling of the 911.

Jeremy: What do you drive, sir?
Audience member: A 355.
Jeremy: A Ferrari. There's an interesting statistic on Ferrari, ah... what is it, James?
James: [consulting clipboard] Um, 90% of people who said they had a Ferrari were lying.

[after Richard's sinking-car film, in which he needed the rescue diver's help to escape the car]
Jeremy: So did you die in the making of that film?
Richard: Well, yeah. I mean, if it was real, yes, I did.
Jeremy: And the thing is, it was very lucky you were in the GL model, 'cause that was the one that did come with the diver in the back seat with the aqualung.
Richard: Yeah. If it'd been an L, pfft. That would've been it, curtains.

[on people carriers]
Jeremy: Obviously all of them are uncool. If you buy a people - anyone got one? You have. Basically what you're saying about yourself, sir, is: you've had your children and now you're just waiting to die.

Jeremy: All dentists have Saabs, OK? All. And graphic designers all have them, and all architects have them, and all Stephen Frys have them.

[on the Saab "night panel" function]
Jeremy: That's handy if you want to line up for a bombing run on a Soviet nuclear submarine base, but of limited use on the A38 just outside Burton-on-Trent.

Jeremy: Now what I'd like to do at this point to demonstrate the difference between car and plane even more is bolt the Stig into the Saab here and have him race a fighter jet round our track. [laughing] Only trouble is, can you imagine ringing up the Royal Navy and saying, "Hello, I'm from that pokey motoring programme on BBC, would it be possible to borrow one of your Sea Harriers?" You can imagine what the response would be.
[cut to a shot of a Sea Harrier taxiing into position next to the Stig-driven Saab at the start/finish line of the test track]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Yes, they were there in a jiffy.

Jeremy: [On the Saab 9-5 Hot Aero] The handling is just hysterical. It's like driving a - fast! - bouncy castle!

November 16th, 2003 [3.4][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard drives a green Lamborghini; James drives a blue Lamborghini; and I drive a yellow Lamborghini.

Richard: [voiceover] And as befits the decade that celebrated being young and groovy, youth created the Miura. The man who designed its gorgeous body was just 22.
Richard: Think about that. What were you doing at 22? At that age the cars I was drawing still had guns on them.

Richard: So, beautiful and ingenious it may have been, but in terms of driving, you were still at the wheel of a bit of a dog's breakfast. The fuel tank was over the front wheels, so as it ran low on fuel, it went light at the front end, which meant you couldn't steer. Nice touch, that. Keeps you on your toes. The interior is, well, tiny, and every now and again the carburettors would spit petrol onto the hot engine and the whole thing would go up in flames. Gooood.

Richard: Lamborghini knew their masterpiece wasn't perfect, and they steadily improved it throughout its life, culminating in this: the SV of 1971. It had a better gearbox, better differential, better tyres, better rear suspension, and these better gold wheels. D'you know what it was? It was better.

[examining Jay Kay's Miura SV]
Richard: Um, Jay, I did notice there's, uh, there's no window in.
Jay: Well, I'll tell you what I did with the window. [opens driver's door]
Richard: Re-enact it for us.
Jay: I will re-enact it.
Richard: Go on, then.
[Jay shuts the door normally and mimes the window shattering]
Richard: Oh, you closed the door! You mad, impetuous rock star fool. You were asking for trouble, Jay!
Jay: You know, I mean, that's rock 'n roll, hey?

Jeremy: This is a man with a two-tone beard who's come here to tell us about style.

James: This wasn't just a car, it was a pin-up. And you might like to know that countach is a bit of Italian slang. It translates roughly as phwoar!

James: [voiceover] So it looks fantastic and it sounds fantastic, and that's what matters when you're 15 and dreaming. But I'm not 15 any more, and after an hour at the wheel in 2003, my dream car turns out to be a bit of a nightmare.
James: It never occurred to me, for example, that I'd need a hammer to change gear. Or that depressing the clutch pedal would be a lot easier if I got a friend to help me. It's absolutely baking hot in here - look, I've got the window fully open [puts fingers through tiny slot of driver's window] - and there's also a really alarming smell of petrol.

James: God in Heaven, this is hard work.

James: I'm absolutely gutted. But you know what, it's not the car's fault, it's mine. I've broken a golden rule: You never, ever meet your childhood heroes.

[on the Lamborghini LM002]
Jeremy: When I started in this business, writing about cars, I was earning... about 40 quid a week. OK? I borrowed one of these, took it into a petrol station, to fill it up... £147!

[indicating a board covered with photos of rock stars]
Jeremy: Problem is, what do all of these people have in common?
Audience member: They're all dead.

Jeremy: This, then, is the £117,000 Gallardo. Lamborghini's idea of being sensible.

[Talking about Lamborghinis]
Jeremy: Let me put it this way: a picnic, okay? If you went, you'd want the Germans to make the hamper so the handles don't fall off, but you'd want the Italians to make the food, yes? That's what you get with that [points to Murciélago]; it's a German-Italian picnic where the Italians have done what they're good at and the Germans have done what they're good at. With this [points to Gallardo], the Germans have done ze food.

November 23rd, 2003 [3.5][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: I attempt to destroy the indestructible; How fast can you go in a soft top before you lose your wig?; And we momentarily silence Simon Cowell.

[on the Mazda RX-8]
Jeremy: It's almost like they had a styling suggestion box at the factory, they got millions of ideas and then said "I know! Let's have all of them!" So it's got triangles and curves and gills and the back window from a Ford Anglia and look at these lights. They're busier than a bishop's hat!

[[on the RX-8's Wankel rotary engine]
Jeremy: It's not the torquiest engine in the world, or the most economical, but God it's smooth. You even get a little buzzer - ready? - to tell you to change gear at 9000 RPM 'cause it doesn't feel like it's running on anything as coarse and vulgar as petrol. Feels like it's running on double cream!

Jeremy: The guy who was running Mazda when they were designing the RX-8 used to race cars. [laughs] And it kind of shows.

Richard: This being a car programme, let's talk about houses.

[speculating on the future-classic value of the Mercedes-Benz 190E 2.5-16 Cosworth]
Richard: Tempted? Well, if you are, you're best off going for one in black or silver with an automatic gearbox. Which is why I'm driving a pink one with a manual box. Obviously.

[Jeremy is butting in as Richard and James populate the Classic Wall]
Richard: Jeremy, can I ask - what's that?
Jeremy: This is an Alfa Romeo GTV6, a magnificent car!
Richard: It is. And I believe you had one!
Jeremy: I did indeed.
Richard: And how much did you pay for it, Jeremy?
Jeremy: Ah, £5000.
Richard: Mm, and then you sold it. And how much did you sell it for?
Jeremy: Ah, £3000.
Richard: OK, that didn't go too well. How much was it worth a year later?
Jeremy: £7,000.
Richard: So how much do you know about all of this? Absolutely nothing.

Simon: [On his fast lap] I wasn't even trying.

[arguing that the Mazda RX-8 should be considered cool]
Richard: But you get to say "Wankel". That's cool! - On telly!

James: Right, the Italians. What have they ever done for us?

James: St. Albans. The Romans came here in 43 and built some nice ruins.

[on the Fiat Panda]
James: Well, it is very small, just three and a half metres long, but more importantly, it's got really quite a lot of space in it. You could get a couple of full-size adults in the back here, or - more importantly - about half a dozen children. Now this is vital in your small Italian car, and all because of another of their great inventions: the Catholic Church.

James: Now, you'll be able to buy a basic 1.1-litre Panda for £6000. £6000! This, however, is the 1.2-litre Dynamic. This is a posh Panda. But it's still only six thousand, five hundred pounds. Six and a half grand. And it's a whole car!

James: I quite like this 1.2-litre engine, it's sort of feisty and eager. Makes a great deal of fuss without really achieving very much. Bit like the Italian government, really.

[on the Toyota Hilux]
Jeremy: So it's very popular in Australia and all the other various bits of the third world.

[On the Hilux]
Jeremy: We love cars like this on Top Gear. That's why we love the Citroën Berlingo and the Daihatsu Charade; they're simple, honest-to-God engineering.

[After driving the pick-up down the steps]
Jeremy: [Voiceover] It damaged my spine quite badly, doing this. And then it set about damaging Bristol.

[tapping on a mangled fender after running the Hilux into a tree]
Jeremy: That'll buff out.

[when the Hilux starts after having been washed out to sea in the Severn estuary]
Jeremy: [shouting over the engine roar] I do not believe this! It works!

[At the grassy part of the test track]
Jeremy: The problem is, what can we do here that we haven't already tried? [The pick-up then drops behind Jeremy] Difficult one.

[Before the caravan drop on the Hilux]
Jeremy: The Americans have used daisy cutters on these things, to no avail. But I have something much more powerful... [cuts to a parked caravan; voiceover] The Mistral GT... [shows the same caravan dropped on the Hilux]

[After the caravan drop]
Jeremy: [crawling in through the window] Lordy lord, I'm too old for this.
[...]
Jeremy: I honestly can't believe this; the steering is fine, the gearbox is fine, the low-range box is fine, the brakes are fine... Even the speedo's telling me we're doing thirty.

[Announcing the result of the Hilux torture test]
Richard: All of which makes it more of a shame that in the end you killed it with fire.
James: That was churlish.
Jeremy: Well, that's the thing. You probably won't believe this, ladies and gentlemen. I want a huge round of applause, IT IS STILL WORKING!

[after the end credits]
Simon: Can we just stop the competition now?
Jeremy: No, we bloody can't; I'm going to phone Damon Hill next week!

December 7th, 2003 [3.6][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard drives a pair of wheeled accessories; I discover if the Australians are better at cars than they are at rugby; and James tries to finish the job of killing our Toyota.

Jeremy: Of course, ever since the 2CV, Citroën has been the badge of choice for those of a Guardian disposition.

[on the Citroën C2
Jeremy: [voiceover] Look at the details. The gear lever that seems to have come from a sex shop. The translucent trim. The 12 million gigawatt stereo. And the bumf, which is full of words like "wicked" and "cool".
Jeremy: [standing in front of the car] Now this, it seems, is the language of something called cruising, which... isn't what I thought it was.

[at a tuner meeting]
Jeremy: This cruising thing. What's it about?
Young man: What's it about?
Jeremy: Yeah.
Young man: It's about flexing, man.
Jeremy: It's about what?
Young man: Flexing, like. Having a good time, you know.
Jeremy: Flexing?
Young man: Yeah, yeah.
[crowd of young people laughs at Jeremy's oldster incomprehension]
Jeremy: What the f--k are you on about? [appeals to the crowd] What is flexing?
Another young man: Flexing means winding, basically.
Jeremy: It means winding. I'm none the wiser! We're flexing, we're winding... Does anybody here speak English? Does anybody speak English here?
A third young man: Showing off.
Jeremy: Showing off! This man speaks English! [crowd applauds] Flexing and winding means showing off.

[back in the studio after the tuner film]
Jeremy: That makes me feel very sad, that.
James: Why?
Jeremy: Well, I just wish that we'd had flexing and winding when we were kids, 'cause I love this whole modifying scene, I think it's brilliant.
James: Mm. We did have cruising, though.
Jeremy: I know, but that meant going to a gentlemen's lavatory, and that's... [dismissive gesture]

[having interrupted the second Toyota torture film at a critical moment]
James: I'll show you what happened later.
Richard: That's evil!
James: It stops people turning over to Heartbeat.

[on modern British consumers]
Richard: They earn money, they see stuff in shops, and they buy it. That's just the way most of us are. Me! I'm partial to a shirt!

[on the Peugeot 307 CC and Renault Mégane CC]
Richard: As we stand here, both of these cars are slowly sinking into the floor. They're that heavy.
Jeremy: So if I were to say to you, "OK, I'm going to shave your poodle... "
Richard: Right.
Jeremy: "... unless you tell me which one you'd have."
Richard: [looks at a loss]
Jeremy: Which one or the poodle's bald.
Richard: ... Bring on the razor, mate, I'm afraid.

Sanjeev Bhaskar: Now, Indians do like bling. I mean, if there was a Datsun Bling...
Jeremy: Well, hold on a minute. Now, we've had flexing, I've got that, and winding... what's bling?
Sanjeev: Bling is just, you know, flash. Color. It's kind of like - Indian parents, traditional Indian parents, are the only ones who'd watch The Fast and the Furious and say, [in Indian accent] "If you became an accountant, you should get a car like that."

Sanjeev: I'll tell you the reason that I stopped driving [in India]. I did about a mile and I told my cousin to take over. And I said - it was at night, and nobody uses their headlights, or very few people use their headlights because, you know, you wear 'em out. You'd just have to buy another one. Um, and so there was, there was - I stopped when I saw one headlamp coming towards me, and I said, "Look, I don't know if that's a scooter or it's a truck with one failed headlamp. And he kind of - my cousin stopped for a second, he said, [in Indian accent] "Or two scooters transporting a wardrobe." I said - I said, "You know, you're right, there is that third option. I'm an idiot. I don't know why I didn't think of it."

James: If I could only have one drink for the rest of my life, it would be a pint of bitter. And if I could only drive one supercar, it would be this: the Aston Martin Vantage.

James: In order to understand the impact of the Vantage, I want you to imagine a simple scene down your local boozer. Now, Ferrari, Lamborghini, Maserati, Porsche, all that lot - they're the blokes round the bar with the big opinions. Giving it lots of that. [mimes talking] Aston Martin is the quiet bloke in the corner, with his pint of best and the crossword. And then, suddenly, he decides he's had enough. So he gets up, he takes them all outside, and he gives them a bloody good hiding.

James: The Italians, you see, would concentrate on making a really, really fast car, but then they'd start to worry about all the practical stuff, like, where's the driver going to sit, and can he see out, and how are you going to join up all those wires that make the lights work? The British way, however, is to start with a normal car and then make it very fast. Think of the Jaguar XJR. It's one of the world's most comfortable saloon cars, and it just happens to go like a stabbed rat.

James: Say you wanted to bang in a nail. You could belt it really hard with a little hammer, or you could give it a tap with a really big one. The Aston's engine is a sledgehammer.

[on the V8 engine in the Vauxhall Monaro]
Jeremy: It's far from the most sophisticated engine in the known universe, but because it's so big, you can put it in sixth and pootle around at three, doing plenty of miles to the gallon. Or you can poke it with a stick. Then you will go from nought to sixty in six and a half seconds and reach a top speed of over 160. Usually sideways.

[for a joke, Clarkson claims that the car issues insulting voice messages if the traction control is engaged]
Monaro: Backs to the wall, everyone, there's a pom on board! He's turned the traction control on! What a poofter.

Monaro: You hopeless pom.
Jeremy: Shut up.
Monaro: And you got lucky in the rugby.
Jeremy: Shut up!

Jeremy: It's big and simple and I love it.

Jeremy: Pray silence, please, for Dame Edna Everstig.

Jeremy: Damn! I think I've won.

[in the studio, after the film showing the Hilux falling with the roof of an imploding tower block]
Jeremy: Now, we've seen that it started.
James: Yeah, it did start.
Jeremy: But did it move?
James: I can hardly believe this myself - ladies and gentlemen, here it is!
[horribly battered but still moving under its own power, the Hilux enters the studio]

[on the state of the utterly smashed but still running Toyota]
Richard: That's not bad. I've taxed worse.

Jeremy: We could carry on trying to destroy it, but do you know what? I think we should build a plinth.

December 14th, 2003 [3.7][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard drives the new McLaren Mercedes; I try Birmingham's latest head banger; and we stage the first ever Top Gear Boffin Burnout.

Jeremy: The Germans always aim high. Stalingrad by Christmas and the world by Easter, and then we'll sort out Rover.

Jeremy: The Porsche Cayenne: the first car ever to be named after an ingredient.

[on the Cayenne]
Jeremy: Nought to 60 takes five seconds. And about 17 gallons of fuel.

Jeremy: Now most modern off-road cars, like for instance the BMW X5, would get stuck on a croquet lawn.

Jeremy: [voiceover] As an engineering exercise, the Cayenne is astonishing. Only the Germans could've pulled it off. But all their efforts with the power and the speed and the toughness and the agility - they were all a complete and utter waste of time. Because look at it.
[pulls over, gets out]
Jeremy: I think what they tried to do is make the front look like a 911. Which it doesn't. And then from here back it looks like they just haven't bothered! Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It is a monkfish among cars. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis, and frankly I would rather walk back to the studio than drive another yard in it. So I shall. [looks around, points] That way. [walks out of frame]

[on the Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren]
Richard: So much grip! It'll crease the road before it lets go, I'm sure.

[on the SLR's engine]
Richard: It puts out six hundred and twenty-six brake horsepower, and more torque than in all the rest of the cars in the world added together.

Richard: This is the sort of power that planets are built with! Awesome!

[disappointed by the SLR's interior]
Richard: There's plastic - [raps on dash] - in here. Come on.

Richard: And then they tell you - proudly! - that there's enough room in the boot for two sets of golf clubs. And that worries me, that's just fat-businessman stuff. It's a marriage between McLaren and Mercedes, the SLR. And it's brilliant! I just wish it was a bit more McLaren and a bit less Mercedes.

[on the MG XPower SV]
Jeremy: Inside, it's pretty much as you'd expect: hopeless. I've got no satellite navigation, no electric seats, no airbag, and while there is a third gear - nnnngh! - I don't really have the strength to engage it. Furthermore, this window doesn't go all the way down, as you can see, the antilock brakes are broken, there's nowhere to put my left leg, the dashboard looks like I made it, and half the time the dials come over all Longbridge-ish and go on strike.

Jeremy: This car has one of the world's great engines, a big, gurgling V8 with huge torque and an even huger thirst. Flat-out, at 165 miles an hour, this car is using a kilo of fuel every minute. That's jet fighter consumption, but then it goes like a jet fighter!

Jeremy: Oh, this is terrific! Just imagine how good it would be if you could get third.

[after Jeremy bangs his head on the XPower SV's door frame during a hard maneuver]
Richard: I could watch that all day! Who'd like to see it in slow motion?

Richard: But it does sound a lot like a TVR in feeling, you know, noisy and different...
Jeremy: Yes, except a TVR has got a better interior than this, and actually, I think a TVR will be more reliable.
Richard: [giggling] Just how bad was that knock on your head?

Richard: Oh, look! Jeremy's brought a plastic car!

Jeremy: This car is plastic. It has a stupid rear spoiler and it's made by a company no one's ever heard of on an industrial estate in Leicestershire. So for posing it's hopeless. But for the undiluted thrill of driving, it's almost impossible to do better.

[on Jeremy's advocacy of the Noble]
Richard: He just - he misses the point, he's reduced the whole thing to a mathematical equation! That's not a car, it's a calculator.

[on Jeremy's advocacy of the Noble and Richard's of the Morgan Plus 8]
James: They've brought the wrong cars.

[advocating the Rover 75]
James: There's nothing raucous about its V6 engine. It rides more smoothly than a Rolls-Royce Corniche. And it's trimmed like a first-class cabin on the Titanic. Before it sank.

James: The problem with the Morgan is, it's just a car they forgot to stop making in the forties.

[on the Noble]
James: This is a bathroom appliance.

Jeremy: So, with the very greatness of Britain resting on his shoulders, the Stig is away.

Jeremy: That is German music! The treacherous Stig's listening to Beethoven! Although he probably knows it simply as the tune from the IBM ad.

December 21st, 2003 [3.8][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Audi's new V6 ankle bracelet; A moment of madness from Aston Martin; And Johnny Vegas in our Reasonably-Priced Car - which should be interesting since he can't drive!

[while interviewing Johnny Vegas]
Johnny: I wanted a people carrier, but you've slated it so much on the show.
Jeremy: Well people carriers are for people who've given up.
Johnny: Look at me!

[to an audience member who declared the Subaru Impreza Turbo "common"]
Jeremy: Your job's to shut up.

Richard: What I like is the way Jeremy's taken on a kind of a bouncer role here. I mean, just leaping around the audience looming at people.

Jeremy: [trying to get onto the buyer list for a Ford GT] Fords are magnificent in every way.

December 28th, 2003 [3.9][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Cameron Diaz tests Lamborghini's lightweight Murciélago naked; We drive Schumacher's F1 Ferrari; And our Star in a Reasonably-Priced Car is her Majesty, the Queen.

James: Have a look at this, this is our - Jeremy's - bar bill from the Isle of Man trip. [allows large stack of fanfold printer paper to fall to the floor] That's a huge number of fruit-based drinks.

[accompanied by James playing the theme music on a Casio keyboard]
Richard: On tonight's cut-price Top Gear: A small plastic car that's actually quite economical; we take a seasonal Yuletide trip to, eh... Birmingham; oh, and we do have a supercar! Albeit a quite cheap one.

[on the Chrysler Crossfire]
Jeremy: Now, of course, being a coupé, the styling is hugely important, and... oh dear.

Jeremy: Nought to 60 takes 7.2 seconds. There are animals which are faster than that.

Jeremy: So. It looks like a dog doing a poo; it's slow, uncomfortable, expensive, and cursed with a cramped, badly trimmed interior, an awful gearbox and no back seats. The engine doesn't make a particularly sporty noise, the ride is terrible, and it isn't especially economical.

[on the Brabus Smart Roadster V6 Bi-Turbo]
Richard: It's like a bottle of sports car concentrate.

[nomination for the Dullest Formula 1 Driver of the Year award]
Richard: Kimi Räikkönen. He's 24 years old, he's paid millions of pounds a year, and he chooses to live... in Chigwell.

[Ugliest Car of the Year]
Jeremy: Now those were the nominations, but I'm overruling all of them. I'm playing my joker and I'm going to say that the winner is the BMW... range!

Jeremy: It's the Enemy of the State Award, the person who's done the most to harm the cause of the petrolhead these last 12 months. Gentlemen, the nominations.
Richard: The Chief Constable of North Wales, Richard Brunstrom, for his resolutely unpopular anti-motorist stance.
James: There are no more nominations.

[nominations for Surprise of the Year]
Richard: And the Vauxhall Signum. In particular, we were surprised that anyone could be catatonically stupid enough to make a people carrier that can actually carry fewer people than the saloon on which it's based.

James: There's normally something really tragic about the bottom of the range. You know, the 1.6 version. A little boot badge that says you're on the bottom rung. And you sit there in a world of velour looking at a little - a little slot on the dashboard where you know there would be a switch if this was a posh version, but instead you've got a little bit of plastic that just blanks it off. And you can't help driving along and thinking, "If I'd just paid a bit more attention at school and if I'd just worked a bit harder, I'd have air conditioning."

[on the Jaguar XJ6]
James: This car has that magic X-factor that we like so much on Top Gear. You'd sort of expect it to be really boring, but then when you drive it, you discover it makes perfect sense. I mean, here's a Jaguar that saves you a shedload of cash, and in return, all it asks is that you just press the pedal a bit harder. That's it!

Richard: And as for the Alfa 147 GTA, well, that's not dead, but it's as mad as a badger.

Richard: It's always been a bit of an old-school hooligan, the Civic Type R. If it were in a porn film, it would play the stable lad. Or the plumber. Rather than the smooth international businessman.

[on the Honda NSX-R]
Richard: And there's this. The gaiter at the base of the gear lever. Usually leather, it's been replaced with fine mesh to save 10 grams. I could've done that wearing a thinner pair of socks.

Richard: The thing is, no matter how hard it tried, it was never a Ferrari.

Series 4[edit]

May 9th, 2004 [4.1][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: an awful new car from Rover; a brilliant new car from Aston Martin; and the Apache helicopter gunship: can it get missile lock on a Lotus Exige?

Jeremy: "A dog makes a better noise than that if you tread on it" (Regarding a Strokes song the show used).

Jeremy: [trying to out-manoeuvre an Apache helicopter's radar in a Lotus Exige] The best helicopter gunship in the world, flown by the best pilots in the world, the British Army, against the best handling car in the world, driven by an idiot.
Jeremy: That's not something you see everyday, a gunship in your rear view mirror.

Jeremy: Get out of the way, you Polish lorry! Why are you cluttering up our roads with Latvian milk?!

[During the News Segment. Hammond has just mentioned the new mini. He is wearing a bright red shirt.]
Jeremy: Whoa, what are the noises for? Do you like it?
Audience (Including James): No!
Richard: Heck, I do, Actually, I think that looks great! [silence] Maybe it's the shirt?
Jeremy: How much is it going to cost?
Richard: It's going to cost... well, they'll generally be about £2500 more than the equivalent hard top. So the Cooper S, the Supercharged version of that, £17 500, £15 500 for the coupe. About £13 500 I think for the mini one.
James: That's horrible.
Richard: Well, yeah, but the mini- it's not a cheap small car. It's an expensive small car. And I like that [points at mini].
Jeremy: It's a metrosexual car.
Both: A What?
Jeremy: Metrosexual! It's the new thing! It's for the chap, he doesn't wanna be too butch, he doesn't wanna have like, you know, a big 4x4, he spends quite a bit of money on hair products- [gestures towards Richard]
Richard: Don't point at me, mate.
Jeremy: He's interested in shirts, probably wears cowboy boots- [Richard is looking sheepishly at his feet, which are clad in cowboy boots] -That kind of thing! He's a blend of gay and not-gay.
Richard: [talking over Jeremy] I am not a metro-flamin'-sexual!
Jeremy: You are a metrosexual! I can see you in one of those! [Points at the Mini Cooper's picture]
Richard: Apart from anything else, how would you know what a metrosexual is?
Jeremy: I'm not only in touch with my feminine side, I'm in touch with my gay side as well.
Richard: You're probably right.

May 16th, 2004 [4.2][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: a pink Ford; a black man's Cadillac; and I go berserk in a Silver Arrow.

[during a news segment]
Jeremy: Have you seen the back seats of the Discovery?
Richard: They're magnificent!
James: Fantastic!
Richard: It's worth getting one—well you won't get one 'cos...
[Jeremy spots someone in the audience]
Jeremy: Jesus is here!
Richard: Well, we never knew!
Jeremy: Who have we booked as the guest this week?
Richard: Maybe he's not suppose to be on yet.
Jeremy: Is he the guest? That would be something, we'll have some viewers then!
Jesus: At least I'm not too tall for my hair, eh Jeremy?
Both: Wahey!

James: I don't know quite what bling is, but this must be it! [pointing to FAB 1]
[Later, after he has done his review of it]
James: [sitting in the car in the studio] So, I aks [sic] you, is I bling?

(Crowd Laughs)

Jeremy: With that jacket on mate? I don't think so...

Richard: [After having seen himself unable to start a car after being hypnotised by Paul McKenna] I really don't like you.

Jeremy: (On the Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren) "It sounds like the god of thunder gargling a hammer."

May 23rd, 2004 [4.3][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Jordan makes a boob in our Liana; Ferrari and Porsche go to war on our track; And we have some crashes on purpose.

Jeremy: (After seeing May's Audi 80)"You really can't believe that's a hundred quid car. I mean, I was ready to go, 'Oh no, James has bought a hen house'."

Richard: What I really do want is a radio.
Jeremy: (Listening to his radio) Robbie Williams played through a 1980's Volvo stereo.
Richard: I'd listen to radio 3! Or The Archers on 4!
Jeremy: (singing along) Thoughts running through my head...
Richard: Oh, I wish I had a radio!
Jeremy: That's the worst stereo I've ever heard in my life.
Richard: God, I wish I had a radio!
Jeremy: (smug) But it is a stereo. And Hammond doesn't have one.

[During the ride to Manchester in their £100 cars]
Richard: If I were a rich man, bidibidibidibidibidibidibidiboom! Okay, I've done "If I Were a Rich Man." Any other suggestions?
Jeremy: If I were a tall man?
Richard: Funny...Very funny...

Richard: There is, coming up ahead, an enormous cloud of smoke, which I can only assume is Jeremy.

[on the Italian police's Lamborghini Gallardo]
Jeremy: Yes, but we've been wondering all week, why? Because it is impossible to commit a motoring offence in Italy!
James: I've been stopped by the Italian police.
Jeremy: What for?
James: I was doing about 110 in an Aston Martin DB7. I overtook the police car on a left hand bend and he pulled me up at the next lay-by because I'd left the filler flap open at the garage.
Jeremy: It's a style thing is what you're saying.
Richard: What? Spoling the lines of the car?
James: He didn't even say anything. He came out and he went up and he went (mimes pushing the filler cap closed with a stern expression). I thought I was going to get a ticket for being unsetting.

[on the 1968 Dodge Charger's brakes]
Richard: (voiceover) But as for going from sixty to naught... Oh dearie me...
Richard: (nervously) I'm braking! (The car shows no sign of slowing.) Quite firmly! Fffff- (The car finally stops and Richard is visibly relieved) I was considering evasive then! Ha ha ha!

[watching Jeremy's £100 Volvo start it's speed run]
Richard: The thing is just not going away! It's still there!

[about to crash his £100 Audi]
James: Well... It's been good. I met Jodie Kidd... and Stephen Fry.

[James has just crashed his £100 Audi]
Jeremy: Yes, he's dead, so that's ten points away there! And if you want a job on Top Gear, please write to Top Gear...
Richard: No, no wait, look! He's coming 'round!
Jeremy: He's alive!
Richard: He lives!... That's not ten points off, though. Blast.

[on crashing his £100 Audi]
James: [rather upbeat] That was probably the most unpleasant thing I've ever done!

Jeremy: [voiceover] Then it was my turn, and I had a problem. The speedo wasn't working, so I had to guess how fast thirty was, and I got it a bit wrong.

[about to crash his £100 Volvo]
Jeremy: GERONIMO!

[Just after he crashed his Volvo]
Jeremy: "Damn, Damn, I think I missed the wall."

[During the 996 GT3 RS vs Ferrari 360 Challenge Stradale]
Jeremy: "Eat my exhausts, Badoer!"

[revealing how much he paid for his Volvo]
Jeremy: ONE POUND! One pound! Yes! The Volvo! Losers! Losers!

June 6th, 2004 [4.4][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Some big challenges; Can you play darts with cars?; Which is faster, a Ford or a pigeon; And can this new Porsche break the lap record on our track?

Jeremy: [while lying underneath a Porsche Carrera GT] I'm speaking to you now from inside one of the venturi tunnels!

Jeremy: Right, what we have here is a snooker table or as Richard Hammond calls it as he arrived this morning, "Crikey, a football pitch!"

Jeremy: My name... is Jack Bauer. And this is the most economical 24 hours of my life.

Richard: [After launching a car from a gas cannon down onto a parked caravan] That was a good feeling. Volvo kills caravan!
[At the end of the film]
Jeremy: You know? That's the nineteenth caravan we've destroyed on this programme in 12 months.

[On the new Mitsubishi Lancer and Subaru Impreza]
Richard: And the other thing is, every time they launch a new model, they try and outdo each other with the quantity of letters and numbers after the cars name. So! These are the two new models. This is the Subaru Impreza STi, WRX, WR, 1. And this is the Mitsubishi Lancer Evo. VIII, MR, FQ, 3, 20.

May 30th, 2004 [4.5][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Thora Hird's wardrobe on our track; Richard gets whacked with 800,000 volts; and we take three cars to the birthplace of British speed.

Jeremy: I actually took a photograph of these two [Richard and James] just after they'd arrived.
Richard: Ah.
Jeremy: Would you like to see it?
Audience: Yes!
Jeremy: Put, put it up.
[audience laughs at photo of Richard and James in motorcycling leathers]
Richard: Granted, that's not how we looked in our minds.
Jeremy: [singing] It's fun to stay at the YMCA, it's fun to stay at the Y...
James: But that's an illustration of why we don't want to wear crash helmets. You will kill yourself; but at least when they lay you out at your funeral you won't have helmet hair.
Jeremy: I suppose you could all dress up as red Indians and construction workers, that's another option.
James: What you don't know is that we do.

James: Something I've just thought about though is, that car's got an extra five inches in it so that ou get better rear leg room, yeah?
Jeremy: Yeah.
Richard: Yeah.
James: Why don't they just make them all that long? Because you don't buy a jag because you want a small car, do you?
Richard: (somewhat meekly) Some of us don't need leg room.

Jeremy: This is from Mistress Goth, from the e-mail and she wants you to be her dungeon bitch. (Audience laughs) I'm not joking. Dungeon bitch.
Richard: (stammers and looks uncomfortable)
Jeremy: (interrupting) She says, no, no, she says that you won't have to walk around on your knees because he's so short he'd be a perfect foot rest.
Richard: Again, I'm thinking no.
Jeremy: Okay, well, just before you make your mind up we've got a photograph. We've actually went onto our website and here's the picture.
Richard: Oh my! She is a sturty girl, isn't she?
Jeremy: If she's looking for a hat stand I'm available.

[discussing the death of J.G. Parry-Thomas at "the birthplace of British speed"]
Richard: Getting back to this head coming off business...
Jeremy: Yeah.
Richard: Presumably what happened was the car, what, dug in, flipped, rolled...
Jeremy: Several times.
Richard: Head came off.
Jeremy: Yeah.
Richard: Couldn't the same thing happen to us?
Jeremy: Ooh, I shouldn't think so.
Richard: Right.

[sitting in a rented VW Golf in Germany, waiting to be struck by artificial lightning]
Richard: My life is now in the hands of A-level physics.

June 13th, 2004 [4.6][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: We ask, can you run a car on a poo?; Have the Americans made something which can go round corners?; And the 'new' Jaguar XJS, is it any good?

Jeremy: There are shanty towns in South Africa that are built better than Renaults!

Terry Wogan: Do you swerve to avoid rabbits?
Jeremy: Never. Do you?
Terry: No.
Jeremy: Foxes?
Terry: No!
Jeremy: No?
[silence]
Terry: ...children?
Jeremy: I do, I do... Children, yeah. I have swerved to avoid children.
Terry: You see, you see, you're too soft for this game.
James: Oh dear....

Richard: [About the American-styled dashboard in the Cadillac CTS] The last time I saw plastic like this [taps it] it contained Tic-Tacs.

[on the Chevrolet SSR]
Jeremy: You'd drive that, would you?
Richard: Yes.
Jeremy: You live in Gloucestershire?
Richard: I do.
Jeremy: And you'd drive around in a purple convertible pickup truck?
Richard: Not a purple one, obviously...

Richard: damn, damn, stevespeed just OMGWALLD!"

July 11th, 2004 [4.7][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James and Richard try their hand at minicabbing; I drive a smoking jacket from Holland; and our Reasonably-Priced Car says Hello!... to Lionel Richie.

[on the Mercedes-Benz CL65 AMG]
Jeremy: ...it even has the traditional Mercedes voice activated computer which doesn't understand a blind word you're on about. Let me show you... Dial number.
Mercedes Computer: Dialling.
Jeremy: I haven't told you what to dial yet... Dial number.
Mercedes Computer: The number please?
Jeremy: [quickly] 01785.
Mercedes Computer: 0785.
Jeremy: No, you missed the one.
Mercedes Computer: Pardon?
Jeremy: You missed the one.
Mercedes Computer: The number is deleted, please continue.
Jeremy: See what I mean?
Mercedes Computer: 202.
Jeremy: Where did that come from?
Mercedes Computer: Pardon?
Jeremy: And so it goes on.

[on what it takes to become a minicabber]
James: I had to fill out a questionnaire, have my passport looked at, show my driving licence, have a medical and at no point did they ask if I had a sense of direction!

James: Right...we need to go... right, left, left, right, left, again... [turns the wrong way and curses loudly]

[on the Spyker C8]
Jeremy: Look at this horn, it's not the sort of aggressive thing you get on an Italian car, that "Errrrr!!! Get out of my way, earthling!" horn. It's more... a thing you use to attract the attention of other people in your tax haven. Morning Valentino! [waves and honks the horn]

July 18th, 2004 [4.8][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard says goodbye to a motoring icon; The fastest car in the world comes to our track; And how good is the Citroën 2CV in a crosswind?

July 25th, 2004 [4.9][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James and Richard take some cabrios to the wilds of Scotland; I go skiing on the B4796; And can you parachute into a moving car?

[during the Cool Wall]
Jeremy: [on the Fiat Barchetta] Who said it's still a Fiat? What's wrong with the Fiat?
Audience Member: They're not good. They're French!
Jeremy: Where the hell do we get this audience from?!
Richard: A gardening programme, mate...
Jeremy: Do you know what Fiat stands for, the "I" in it?! Italia!

[after Jeremy rants about the MG-F as being "for people with Beards, or Breasts"]
Richard: You know sometimes, when a thought pops into your head? You should kinda leave it there...and not put it out in the world.
Jeremy: [apparently shocked] Did I just say that all out loud, then?
Richard: Oh, yes mate, sorry, you did.
Jeremy: God another thought's just popped into my head, 'bout how like the cat in Shrek 2 you look like.

August 1st, 2004 [4.10][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James tries to get a sofa in a Volvo estate; The Hamster goes to see the 'Vette; And I go off road in a BMW that can't.

Richard: [On the Corvette] The clutch is making my left leg hurt, and the gear change has been taken straight out of a Victorian signal box.

Richard: [On the Corvette] This, then, is America's Porsche 911. But here in Europe, we already have a Porsche 911. It's called the Porsche 911.

Richard: [On the Corvette] So, can this one follow in the tradition of its government and get up other countries' noses?

James: [On the Volvo V50] There's a touch of Ikea to all this, but, reassuringly, an expert has put it all together.

[On the BMW X3]
Jeremy: And if you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and think you are an onion, here's your car.

Patrick Kielty: [On the Delorean] Ok, look. I'm from Northern Ireland, to start with, right. So if you're from Northern Ireland, and someone actually tries to build a sports car factory, in Belfast, in 1980, when Belfast is more like downtown Baghdad, then manages to come over and build something which is aesthetically quite pleasing, and in the process, manages to take Margaret Thatcher for 100 million, and still has time to end up in a hotel room with a suitcase full of snow that Alberto Tomba couldn't ski down, I think he's a bit of a hero.

Series 5[edit]

October 24th, 2004 [5.1][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: just the thing for an already confused world, another Porsche 911; we get sand in the trunks of 3 muscle cars; and how many bouncy castles can you jump in an ice-cream van?

Jeremy: (About the Porsche 996) "[...] it wasn't so much a car, more a place where a fat, balding, middle-aged man could go off and have his mid-life crisis... I liked it a lot!"

James: [on the Monaro's high gearing and enormous torque] Here I am, doing sixty miles an hour, in top gear [6th], and the engine is turning over at 1,500rpm - 1500! It's idling! You fat Aussie slacker!

James: [Testing the Chrysler 300C on the beach] Stop interfering, you piece of... cheap electronic tat!

Jeremy: [On the Porsche 997 Carrera] So to sum up. The new Carrera is pretty much the same as old one except the gear lever comes off. This, however, is not a standard Carrera. This is a Carrera S. And the S stands for: So, fat, balding, middle-aged man, go and have your mid-life crisis somewhere else.

Jeremy: [On the Porsche 911 range] "And then the 3.8 S with the chrono sport pack, for thin, chiselled-jawed people who have no friends. Like the Stig, for instance!"

Jeremy: "The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won't let me turn the traction control off!"

[On the Hummer aftershave]
Jeremy: It comes in a jerrycan of repressed homosexuality.

October 31st, 2004 [5.2][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: the Ferrari Enzo, the Jaguar XJ220, the Pagani Zonda, the McLaren F1, the Ferrari F40 and the Porsche Carrera GT!

[comparing the Porsche Carrera GT to the McLaren F1]
Jeremy: This car, then, ticks all the health-and-safety boxes. It's like an Airbus, very safe and very civilized, where as the old McLaren... that's like Concorde. Unfortunately, like Concorde, it was flawed. Even its biggest fans, and I'm not one of them, say that the gearbox is clunky, the steering's too heavy, the front's too vague, and the back end... is skittish.

[on the McLaren F1]
Jeremy: You know that bit in Dr. Strangelove, when Peter Sellers is astride the nuclear missile? That's what it's like... You don't know where you're going, you're in no real control, you just know the journey's going to end very soon, and very badly!

[While testing a Ferrari Enzo borrowed from Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason.]
Jeremy: Ummagumma!

Jeremy: This is the division bell between the ordinary and the absolutely astonishing.

Jeremy: That is the delicate sound of thunder" [referring to the noise made by the V12 engine]

Jeremy: You set the controls for the heart of the sun, and just like that... you're on the dark side of the Moon.

Jeremy: Atom heart mother!

Jeremy: It's a saucerful of secrets!

Jeremy: Ohh.. wish you were here, just to feel this power!

Jeremy: Now then, we can give this car back to Mr. Mason, because we're done with it. But look at how he's going home.
[Mason steps into a helicopter to the opening strains of Money and flies away]
Jeremy: [As he waves goodbye] Why's he doing that?

Jeremy: These cars, then, are like one of Mr. Blair's speeches, or a pensions commercial, which amounts to the same thing.

Jeremy: All that comes out of the exhaust pipes on this Porsche, are baby foxes.

Jeremy: Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill, and then run over him again, for good measure. They're designed to melt ice-caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands, and turn the entire Third World into a huge uninhabitable desert... but only after they've nicked all the oil.

James: Bill Bryson. Well, I think that man is a danger, frankly. If there is one thing I can't stand it's beardy, sanctimonious, patronising Americans in tartan trousers coming to England and trying to persuade us to turn into a museum. He wants the East End for the cheeky Cockney chaps pushing wheelbarrows full of eels and he wants northernists to be industrialists with big braces and blokes dying of consumption - Good morning Bill, I've got the consumption, it's tradition alright. I say Bill, if you're watching - OK, now you won't be watching because we're not talking about steam engines or longboats or bear-baiting - but IF you've happened to tune in by mistake: We're not interested in your views of stupid Americans who come over here with their big video cameras saying Gee, I love your history, it's just so old. SOD OFF!

Jeremy: Ooh. Just before we do the news, we've had a letter. Got to share it with you... um... Here- pink note paper- all the i's have got little circles on them- ready? Dear Richard...
Richard: [very calm thus far] Oh, right.
Jeremy: [reading] Yeah, I watch Top Gear, I think you're the best looking guy on the program.
Richard: [frowning] That's hardly an achievement, is it?
Jeremy: You're cool- fair point- [he means that it's hardly an achievement to be the best looking guy, not that Hammond is cool] You're cool, good looking, ace hairstyle, wicked clothes...
Richard: She said that? She sounds all right!
Jeremy: Best wishes... that's ah- that's um, Stuart.
[Audience laughs]
Richard: It's a modern world, that's all right.
Jeremy: But it gets better, because would you like to know Stuart's address?
Richard: Not really, no...
Jeremy: The Folkestone Wing, Her Majesty's Prison, Broadmoor.
Richard: Broadmoor?
Jeremy: He's getting out soon and he wants to know-
Richard: But he could be watching now! Shut up!
Jeremy: [Raising a hand to shush Hammond] No, listen- 'What did you do with all of the shirts from the last series; can I have them?'
Richard: No! No you c- Or wait, yes, I- How long's he gonna be... at that address...? Do we know?
James: Um, it's better than that. Stuart, come on in! [Richard is terrified] No, I'm kidding.
Richard: I don't like that.

November 7th, 2004 [5.3][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard finds the world's maddest car... in Switzerland; an absolutely fabulous Star in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and the new Viper attempts to write its own name... in rubber!

Jeremy: (Reading a safety warning on the Viper) "'This is an open vehicle - drive carefully.' No!"

Jeremy: Anyone familiar with the old Viper simply wouldn't believe the features that are available on this one, the sequel. I mean, it has a space which can be used for transporting goods. Look at this, it has a roof which can be raised and then lowered depending on prevailing weather conditions. I love this - if you touch this button here, glass rises out of the door. And - I love this - the pedals can be adjusted using electricity. This car is so sophisticated it could write its own name." (He then proceeds to write "Viper" with skidmarks)

November 14th, 2004 [5.4][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard wets himself in a small hatchback; we play conkers with caravans; and a clash of the titans: Aston vs. Ferrari on our track.

[On the Wally 118]
Richard: Welcome to the coolest thing in the entire world, a boat...If Darth Vader was a pirate, this would be his ship.

Richard: [While driving the Pagani Zonda Roadster through a tunnel] There are demons in here! AND I'M DRIVING ONE!

Richard: [While road-testing a Pagani Zonda Roadster] This is my new home. In fact, I would sell my house, buy one of these, and live in a tunnel...Welcome to the Dark Side!

Richard: [While road-testing a Pagani Zonda Roadster] If you are ten and you are watching this right now, it's exactly as good as you think it is. It is actually that good.

[during the conclusion of the Pagani Zonda Roadster review]
Jeremy: This is bad news, ladies, very bad news. Little Richard has fallen in love with a ton and a bit of kevlar and wires. Look, they've all come down here... [wanders over to a couple of ladies] look, they've all come down here with their bare mid-riffs... and "Richard" and "Hammond" written on their... like that, and it's no good, he's gone!
Richard: I love it, I think this is the big one.
Jeremy: Now, we're going to have to go do the news now before he leaves a deposit on it. Um... oh yeah. So let's do that!

[During the news]
James: [talking about average speed cameras] They are forward-facing, though, right?
Jeremy: Yeah, the cameras that take the picture as you're going towards them, yeah.
James: I approve of those.
Jeremy: Why?
James: Because I'm a motorcyclist.
Jeremy: What's that got to do with it?
James: There's no numberplate on the front of a bike.
Jeremy: It's true! It's a fair point. I never thought—why?
James: The thing is, I've been through Northampton on the bike... [gestures as though opening throttle on a motorcycle and holds up two fingers in a V]
Jeremy: Why is there no numberplate?
James: I believe they were actually made illegal in the early 70s.
Richard: 'Cause they used to be upright on the front mudguard.
James: So if you had a crash, it was like somebody just putting a meat cleaver in your head.
Jeremy: Well, that is one advantage of motorcycling, I will concede, but there is a disadvantage, because, I was talking to a surgeon, just last week, and he was telling me, you know these new bikes that have got a very pronounced fuel tank in front of the saddle?
Richard: Yeah, a lot of sports bikes...
Jeremy: Do you know what the most common injury is now, when you've had an accident? Your testes... torn off.
Richard: Oh! Ooh no!
Jeremy: It's a fact! So you can do that [holds up fingers in a V] to a speed camera, but the next thing you know...

[Interview with Jimmy Carr]
Jeremy: Then after Cambridge, it was off to work for an oil company.
Jimmy: Yes, Shell.
Jeremy: Middle Management?
Jimmy: Yeah, middle - I was in marketing, for oil.
Jeremy: Okay...
Jimmy: ...which is technically the easiest job on the planet. Do you have a fuel gauge in your car?
Jeremy: Yeah.
Jimmy: Yeah, you know when that goes into the red?
Jeremy: Yeah?
Jimmy: Buy some petrol. Job done.

Jeremy: They make £800,000 an hour, profit. Shell.
Jimmy: An hour? That's more than I make in a week!

Richard: James, we are grown men playing conkers with caravans.
James: That's okay. It's better than working at a bank.

James: [to a pizza boy at night in the woods] I suppose you are the headless pizza boy of the apocalypse, are you?

November 21st, 2004 [5.5][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's show: James celebrates 50 years of guitar music... in a Mercedes; a Broken Arrow star in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and I tackle the world's most fearsome race track... in a diesel.

Jeremy: Absolutely everybody here was faster than me. [talking about the Nürburgring]
Sabine Schmitz: Yes, that's true.
Jeremy: Do you think I'm going to be able to get 'round in ten minutes?
Sabine: [laughing] No.
Jeremy: Don't sugar coat it like that, tell me straight.
Sabine: You're not one hundred percent talent-free, but... eighty percent?
Jeremy: Eighty percent talent free... right.

Jeremy: [to a biker on the Nürburgring] Get a car and some proper clothes for God's sake!

Jeremy: [pushing his beer away] Get thee behind me, juice of Johann Vegas.

Sabine: [to Jeremy after seeing his fastest lap] I do that lap time in a van.

December 5th, 2004 [5.6][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's show: How fast can a blind man get round our track? How much Porsche can you get for 1500 pounds? And Britain's most successful recording artist ever is in our Reasonably-Priced Car.

[During the £1500 Porsche challenge];
Jeremy: This was a hugely advanced car when it first came out: polyurethane bumpers; first car ever to have passive rear wheel steering... I've always, always... oh my God, I've got steam.
Richard: Is Jeremy breaking down?
Jeremy: Uh, guys, I've got a lot of steam coming out of the bonnet.
James: Did he say I've got some speed, or I've got some steam?
Jeremy: [voice over] No, it was definitely steam and it was erupting after just two miles.

[Jeremy discovers a leak in his Porsche's cooling system and "fills" it with about 10L of water before giving up, with it gushing from the radiator almost as quickly]
James: Jeremy and Richard have gone off inside to buy an egg, in the hope that we can use that old trick of mixing the egg white into the coolant system and that will find and block...
Jeremy: This, [He shows a chocolate Creme Egg] …this is Hammond's contribution. He's bought himself a chocolate egg.

Jeremy: [on his £1500 Porsche] For the first time today I have no warning light on the dashboard - all is well. Apart from, you know, the rear windscreen wiper and the electric window and the electric door mirrors and the stereo, and the clock, and the air conditioning, and the speedometer and the milometer, and the piston ring that's eating the engine, and the big smoke coming out of the back, everything's fine.

[During the £1500 Porsche challenge]
Jeremy: What is the next challenge?
James: You've got to spend the change from your £1500 budget...
Jeremy: Yeah..?
James: And with it, you've got to improve your car as much as possible and have it judged by an independent adjudicator who is from the Porsche owner's club.
Richard: Yeah, so you can spend all of the money from your £1500 that you didn't spend on your car... on your car.
Jeremy: How much did you spend?
Richard: I spent £750 on my car, so I've got £750 to spend on improving it.
James: I spent £900 on my car which gives me £600 to spend in improving it.
Richard: How much did you spend?
Jeremy: [mumbling] 1500
Richard: Sorry?
Jeremy: 1500
Richard: So you've got nothing to spend on improving it.

[Jeremy and Richard grumble about James' success in producing a number eleven skidmark off the line with his Porsche]
Richard: I've never seen him do anything that lairy!
Jeremy: That is... thirty-one feet.
Richard: Not bad.
Jeremy: Don't tell him that. Yeah, you did about four inches, mate. Well done.
James: Give up!
Jeremy: Yeah, that's four inches!
James: That's quite good!
Jeremy: Yeah, no, that was me the other day in a Bentley.

Richard: [After Jeremy does an "Asian number eleven" burnout - a rather sloppy 720-degree doughnut, as his car lacks the power to spin up the wheels in a straight line] You can't have that!
Jeremy: Look, if you were from a region of China just near Tibet northeast you'd look and you go [affects terrible "Chinese" accent] "Ah, someone write ereven!"

[At the end of the challenge]
Jeremy: So, James, how much did you sell your Nine Forty Four for?
James: £1,400!

December 12th, 2004 [5.7][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's show: Richard takes an American muscle car in a road movie... across Lincolnshire; a 4-door saloon goes head-to-head with a Lamborghini; and it's the Top Gear Awards for the best and worst of 2004.

[on the Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution VIII MR FQ400]
Jeremy: This is amazing! A fit young racing driver in a supercar and he cannot pull away from a fat man in a four door saloon!
Jeremy: It has this Sonic the Hedgehog arrangement on the roof to help keep it straight and true with speed, and to help it cleave the air more easily, it has shrunken door mirrors which appear to have been modeled on Shrek's ears.
Jeremy: [realizing when the Lamborghini Murcielago lost] Now you see? You see? You see? He's Gone! He's Gone! He's put his wiper on! [to James Kaye on the Lamborghini Murcielago] Loser! LOSER!
Jeremy: So there we are this incredible 4 door family saloon really is as fast as a Lamborghini.

[on the Toyota Prius]
Jeremy: See the trees smile at me as I waft by. And watch the children run into the road, because they haven't heard me coming.

[on the Toyota Prius engine display]
Jeremy: This, I think, is a particularly good way of distracting you from the child who's run into the road having not heard you coming.

[continuing about the Prius]
Jeremy: Actually I'm being unfair. The Prius is so slow the child could run into the road, get his ball, and hit puberty before you ever actually hit him.

[On the Porsche Boxster]
James: Meet the new Boxster, same as the old Boxster.
[Later on]
James: This is a bargain. The best we ever had!

[The Top Gear Awards]
James: Now, elsewhere in the world, awards are awarded to reward excellence. But here, on the Top Gear awards, we like to award an award that rewards a car that we found particularly unrewarding... in 2... 2004... that's not quite right, is it?
Richard: And the Hyundai Accent, which is wretched, whatever engine it has, but we were particularly depressed with three-cylinder diesel version. It really is less fun than drowning!
Jeremy: (After being presented the Golden Cock award) "I am the Golden Cock!"

December 19th, 2004 [5.8][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's show it's all about challenges! Which can get down a mountain the fastest: a rally car or a bobsleigh? Are modern-day showroom cars faster than racing cars from not that long ago? And can a Formula 1 Renault get round our track... in less than a minute?

[on the bobsled run]
Richard: Apparently it hits 6 and a half Gs in some of those corners down there. The driver's told me that he's been doing this for six years and he's 3 centimetres shorter. I can't afford to lose 3 centimetres!!

[during the bobsled run]
Richard: [shouting] I don't want to die in tights!

[on the French]
James: They are a bunch of treacherous, lamb-burning, work-shy peasants.

James: France is a country you have to drive through to get to Italy. That's all it's for.

[regarding the Ferrari 612 Scaglietti]
Dover Dock Guard: Is this your vehicle?
Jeremy: D'ya know what? It isn't, no!

James: [to Richard] You're wearing tights. I can't take lectures on physics from a man in tights. Dancing, yes. Physics, no.

[after entering Switzerland, which he refers to as being in the "automotive dark ages"]
Jeremy: The trouble with Switzerland is that they have no tolerance for speed or noise or cars, if Steve McQueen in the Great Escape made the jump into Switzerland, he'd be arrested for reckless driving.

[after being overtaken by Jeremy in his Ferrari]
James: Permission to say 'cock' for the second time this y... I've even abandoned my luggage!

Jeremy: [on driving the Ferrari 612 in the race to Verbier] Then you get to the Alpine pass. Them on their bus: dg dg dg dg dg dg! And you're just like, ahhhnn ahhnn ahhnnnn, trying to catch them up!

James: [while on the train, updating Jeremy's position] Jeremy, I've just calculated, is about here [points on map, east of Dijon] at the side of the road, talking to a gendarme. But, in a few hours' time, he'll be up here [points to centre of Paris] in a place called Le Bastille. [Richard nearly spit-takes]

December 26th, 2004 [5.9][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: we splash about in a supercharged German army halftrack; the "What Not to Wear" girls show us how not to drive; and I go Bo! Selecta in an Ariel Atom.

[on the Daewoo Tacuma]
Jeremy: The only way you could possibly drive this car is with a box on your head, so no one could tell it's you.

[testing the Ariel Atom]
Jeremy: So stick that in your sport exhaust, Mr. Kawasaki.

Jeremy: [Yelling at the top of his voice over the wind noise] The Atom is fast on an entirely new level! I have never driven anything that accelerates so fast! [voiceover] It's so quick, it can destroy your entire face. [face stretches in the slipstream]. OH MY GOD!

Jeremy: [voiceover] Over the years, I've flown F-15 fighters and done power slides in airboats and strafed the desert from helicopter gunships, but for sheer excitement, this thing [the Atom] is off the scale. Even so, there will still be those who say that no car, no matter how fast it is, can ever be as exciting as a big bike.
Jeremy: [yelling over the Atom's cockpit noise again] Oh, puh-lease! I mean, I don't have to wear a helmet in here, which means my epiglottis is full of bees! And there's so much wildlife in my hair, you could film an episode of Badger Watch in there!

Richard: [After opening the door of a Mercedes-Benz G55 AMG] Unless I have been sorely misinformed, supermodels are powerless to resist a man with illuminated doorsills.

James: It costs £9,400. For that you get... well, it's like a car really, only not quite as good. [Commenting on the Hyundai Accent 1.5 Diesel]

James: If you've got the brochure on the Hyundai Accent on your coffee table, can I implore you please, not to do it. Buy a Fiesta, buy a second-hand Golf, go on holiday. Don't do it! [Commenting on the Hyundai Accent 1.5L diesel]

James: The last Proton I drove was something called the Impian. It was a very long journey and the car was so awful that - to be honest - I wanted to harm myself. [Commenting on the Proton Gen II]
[on the Kia Magentis]
Jeremy: I drove a manual one of these the other day and I couldn't believe it, it went 1st, 2nd... SEVENTH, 8th and 9th. Now, I know what they're trying to say, look, you got two gears for quick acceleration and three for good fuel economy. But actually, the acceleration wasn't that good and the fuel economy wasn't that good and you have nothing in the middle. This one has an automatic, which makes it, well... worse. There's a very good reason why its cheap, it's crap.

Series 6[edit]

May 22nd, 2005 [6.1][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Toyota's new small car, can it play football?; The new Range Rover Sport, can it outrun a 120mm tank shell?; And James Nesbitt, how will he get on in our reasonably priced car?

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

[on the Mercedes-Benz CLS 55 AMG]
Jeremy: Listen to that noise! It's like Barry White eating wasps.

[on the Mercedes-Benz CLS 55 AMG]
Jeremy: Look - it's telling me the brakes have overheated and I should "Drive Carefully". [reluctantly] All right, I'll back it off to 140, but that's it. I'm having too much fun.

[on the Mercedes-Benz CLS 55 AMG]
Jeremy: Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.

[on the Mercedes-Benz CLS 55 AMG]
Jeremy: The back seats aren't terribly comfortable, but they'll do for a short trip to the golf club. And you would be going to the golf club actually, because the satellite navigation screen only lists petrol stations and golf courses. Everything the modern Mercedes-driver needs...

Jeremy: Our transport department is now being run by Darling and Ladyman. [...] Welcome aboard Mr Ladyman. Pop down anytime you like and bring Mr Darling with you.

[on the diesel option for the Range Rover Sport]
Jeremy: You can't have this car with a diesel engine. It'd be like saying, "Well, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman...!" Yeah, but... [he grimaces]

[Starting Range Rover Sport vs. Challenger 2 Face-off]
Jeremy: So here we are on the start line: Goliath and David... Beckham.

[During the Aygo Football segment]
James: Door ball! That's not allowed!
[see Blue Aygo 2, with ball jammed inside door]

James: Would the Element be a car for people who like hip-hop, or for people waiting for a hip-op?

May 29th, 2005 [6.2][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Old Jaguars, should you buy one?; Old BMWs, are they as well made as we think?; And old Mitsubishis, should you drive a car built by an aeroplane maker?

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he's wanted by the CIA, and that he sleeps upside down like a bat... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[during the news, talking about the Greatest Driving Song]
Jeremy: [to Richard] You! You went on Radio 1 this week, okay? He was on Radio 1, which is a small radio station for, like, four year olds, and he said that the best ever driving song was by a band called, what are they called, the baby-snatchers?
Richard: The BodyRockers, you poor bewildered old fool!

Jeremy: [voiceover] ...Oxford isn't a city, it's a bus lane.
Jeremy: Oxford hates cars!
Richard: [pointing to James' Jaguar] So it's really gonna hate this!!

Jeremy: [voiceover] Back on the road, it turned out Hammond's BMW wasn't all that healthy either. But, it did give him a new game to play...
Richard: Ooh! Hold on a minute! I've got it! There's a problem with my brake lights. I have "Connect Three."
Jeremy: [as Hammond overtakes him] That doesn't sound good.
James: [voiceover] Ah, but Hammond wasn't going to steal the break-down honours from me! Help. [voiceover] With the others far in front, and out of sight, my wipers packed up.

Jeremy: [voiceover] Meanwhile, the Jag just kept pounding round. The only time it came into the pits was when the Captain's sense of direction broke down.
James: No, I didn't mean to come in, I went the wrong way!

[on the Maserati MC12 achieving the fastest lap to date]
Jeremy: You know, well, speed isn't everything... I can't believe I've just said that!

[on the endurance race]
Jeremy: It's not the winning. It's not the taking part. It's just bashing Hammond!

James: Motorsport is rubbish! [At the end of the coupes' race – 29/05/2005]

June 12th, 2005 [6.3][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Two British sports cars with forged papers; Dr. Who is the star in our reasonably priced car; And I splash out on a seventies Roller.

James: [On the Maserati Bora] Is molto bella!

[on the Wiesmann MF3]
Jeremy: You see the body and you think it's going to be as advanced as mud - but honestly, it corners like a cylon interceptor.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he appears on high value stamps in Sweden, and that he can catch fish with his tongue... we know him only, as the Stig.

[During the news]
Jeremy: [On the Porsche Cayman] Porsche, the laziest design studio in the world!
Jeremy: [On the smart fire car] You know that, erm, World's Wildest Police Chase thing that's on Channel 5 late at night (exaggerated American accent) "There's police chases from around the world!" And it's always a big V8 chasing a Corvette in Australia and America, then they go (American accent again) "We got a chase from the United Kingdom of England Land." And it's, "Oh no it's gonna be so embarrassing!" Sure enough it's a Vauxhall Astra with a big DIESEL sign over it. (Yorkshire policeman accent) "Ohh we're chasing this err BMX bike up the err A34." Oh this is going round the world, they're gonna laugh at us!

June 19th, 2005 [6.4][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: I test the Cadillac CTS-V; Hammond tests the new BMW 3-Series; and we get three old ladies to test some small cars, because we couldn't be bothered.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he is illegal in 17 U.S. states, and he blinks this way [motioning his fingers in a horizontal fashion]... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[after getting a call that his Ford GT has been stolen - while he's actually in it]
Jeremy: If you shut this car down, I'm going to come down there and eat your heart!

[to Ford, via the camera, after his new Ford GT had broken down]
Jeremy: If you don't mend it, I'm going to bone your dog!
[he then clarifies this as removing all of the dog's bones]

James: For sale: BMW 528. 19K, VGC, TNT, FSH, PAS, AAC, OBC, ICE, ABS, EBD, PDC, DTC, DSC. £15000, ONO [May playing with acronyms in his car advertisement]

Jeremy: But unfortunately, its driver had become bored with waiting. [Clarkson walks up to the Audi S4 with the Stig asleep at the wheel and knocks on the windscreen] Stiggy! Wakey wakey! Listen. We're gonna do a race. Okay? You're going to drive the Audi, and see if you can get past the Cadillac. Okay?
[the Stig stares back through his helmet]
Jeremy: [looking back at the camera] You think that's gone in?

[Jeremy has been looking in some boxes of Hammond's mum. He has now found something, and is practically wetting himself with laughter. He stumbles over to James whilst still laughing]
Jeremy: James, look what I just found in Hammond's box. [shows James]
James: [grimacing] Ooh...
Jeremy: They're his publicity pictures! [to camera] Look at that! [flips picture]
James: [mocking] Late-night love...
Jeremy: [mocking, in "smooth" voiceover style] Late-night love on 96.3 Cleveland FM, with Richard Hammond. [flipping through pictures] But look...
James: This is one of thirty radio stations and... [Jeremy finds the picture he's looking for] Oh! [tries unsuccessfully to stifle laughter] Hang on!
[both crack up]
Jeremy: I can see why he gets the jobs hosting Crufts. [to camera] Ready, steady... [flips picture to reveal a younger Richard with wavy, shoulder-length hair, resembling a classical musketeer... James manages to splutter "Dogtanian!" before he and Jeremy completely dissolve into laughter.]

Richard: [in the episode where their mums test three hatchbacks] Now we're just using boxes of old junk [lifts a box] cleared out of the mothers' lofts. You know, the kind of... the old tat that no one could possibly want, or... be prepared to read [holding up two of Jeremy's books and one of his solo videotapes]

[James's mother has just lapped the short circuit of their test track more than four seconds faster than Richard's mother]
Richard: You know how there's this global speculation about the identity of The Stig?

James: [Talking about the Peugeot 1007 electric doors] I think they were right about the Peugeot, because if we'd tested this we'd have spent all day with that button going "bzzzzt" and saying "Hey, this is like Star Trek!".

June 26th, 2005 [6.5][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A Formula One world champion is the Star In Our Reasonably Priced Car; the Jaguar E-Type and the Aston Martin DB5; and the British Army shoots me in the face.

[On the Jaguar E-Type losing a drag race to the Honda Accord.]]
Jeremy: (voiceover) It seems like a strange result. I mean, when Jaguar launched the E-Type they said it would do 150 miles an hour. So how could it lose to a Japanese box? Well, let me explain.
Jeremy: They were lying!

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his breath smells of magnesium, and that he's scared of bells... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[driving the new Mercedes Benz SLK while being shot by the Irish Guard snipers]
Jeremy: I'VE JUST SOILED MYSELF!!!!!
[A few moments later...]
Jeremy: I've been shot in the ear, the lungs, and there's a big mess in my pants!

July 3rd, 2005 [6.6][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Question Time comes to our Reasonably-Priced Car; Aston's DB9 racer comes to our track; and an offshore powerboat against a Mercedes SLR.

[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he naturally faces magnetic north, and that all of his legs are hydraulic... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

James: I think I might have Norwegian wood!

[After spending a day with Richard on a ferry]
James: I really enjoyed our day out together, Richard. It's not very often I get to take someone out for a nice dinner. [camera switches to Richard, who is now looking somewhat concerned]

[On whether Jeremy will get sleep on the Oslo race]
James: Well I would, and you would, but I don't think Jeremy will because he'll become obsessed by [impersonates Clarkson] power and winning!

[On losing the Oslo race to Jeremy]
James: What's the Norwegian for "Oh, Cock?"

[On the CDs he was given for the race to Oslo]
Jeremy: [laughing] 101 classic speeches from... Mrs. Thatcher! [impersonating Thatcher] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this lady's not for turning.

[In a Eurotunnel train during the race to Oslo]
Jeremy: I wonder what the fastest anyone has ever been... in a Eurotunnel train...? How tempting is it to... [depressing accelerator momentarily] No, no, no no. No, grow up!

Jeremy: [After having the Eurotunnel train safety instructions start in French] Oh, we gotta have it in French! [pause] Start the train!

Jeremy: Heathrow...To Oslo. I'm mad for doing this.

Richard: If you ask to be piped aboard I'm throwing you over.

Richard: I can't believe we're doing this again.
James: Well I think we really should beat him this time. In fact, I'm going to run.

Richard: Part of me wants that car to win, but all of me wants Jeremy to lose.

Jeremy: Can I just say, when we were 50 miles from Oslo we were neck in neck. Okay? Absolutely neck in neck. I made it to Oslo, flew home and was half way through supper before these guys arrived at the finishing point. That's how badly it went wrong for them!
James: Well, I have to say it wasn't the end, we don't even know what that place was called.
Richard: A town. No idea.
James: No idea.
Richard: Just a place.
James: Freezing cold.
Richard: Yes.
James: Nobody spoke English to us.
Richard: No.
James: And we had no money.
Richard: No! And then there was a cash point and, that was unbelievable, it said 5000 kroner. Well how much is that? Do I buy a pencil sharpener or a car with that? And all I know is that's more than he [May] had because when he asked for that it said insufficient funds available. Which didn't go down well.

Jeremy: [On the Alfa Romeo Brera] You can have a diesel, if you're the sort of person who thinks the Mona Lisa should have a moustache.

James: [On voting for the greatest driving song] Research has shown, that voting for Meatloaf means you are 50% more likely to have no mates.
Jeremy: That is true, actually.

Richard: [On the Hummer aftershave] Splash it on and make him squeal like a piggy.

July 10th, 2005 [6.7][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: a rock-star gets in a jam; attacking the Nürburgring in a van; and is a car faster than a man?

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he lives in a tree, and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[During the news]
Richard: And the big news this week is Jeremy has been banned from driving for six months. Yes he has! [Audience cheers and applauds] I know! What do we do?
James: I'm really sorry to disappoint you, but I have to point out that it wasn't his local magistrate that banned him, it was his doctor!
Richard: It was and that's why it's taking him so long to get to the stage! [Jeremy slowly approaches the stage] Ooh, you look like you're in pain.
Jeremy: Yes, I am. I have a top speed of one.
Richard: What have you done?
Jeremy: I slipped two discs in my back and they told me not to drive or write. Thank you so much for that! That's kind of what I do!

Richard: [on the Ford Transit's 40th anniversary, and ways to celebrate the milestone] [...] however, nothing says 'Happy Birthday!' like rubbing Jeremy's face in it. [scene then leads into Sabine Schmitz's Transit attempt to beat JC's 9m 59s Nürburgring lap in a diesel Jaguar]

James: [On voting for the greatest driving song] A vote for Meatloaf's Bat Out of Hell will result in your internet service provider changing your domain name to 'loser'!

July 17th, 2005 [6.8][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's show: I drive the Audi TT Convertible, in Iceland; Richard drives the Nissan 350Z Convertible, in Iceland; And James drives the Chrysler Crossfire Convertible. Guess where?

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his heart ticks like a watch, and that he's confused by stairs... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy: Hello, and welcome to Top Gear. Now we get quite a few complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show, so we're kicking off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all.

Jeremy: [On the Ferrari F430's various drive modes] And then CST, which turns all the driver aids off. Don't know what CST stands for... Commit... Suicide... Training..?

James: I bet you any money he's come over to tell me he's stumped by that Chrysler.
Jeremy: James? I'm stumped by that Chrysler.

July 24th, 2005 [6.9][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Thunderberks are go; we attempt a World Record; and the most annoying car I've ever driven turns out to be one of the best.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his voice can only be heard by cats, and that he has two sets of knees... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy: He's a hugely successful DJ, television presenter, and business man. And he achieved all this despite being born with a terrible affliction... [laughing] Ginger hair.

[Jeremy and James are discussing the Vauxhall Astra and Jeremy is lamenting its lack of grip to go with its very powerful engine]
James: It's sort of exciting though, admit it.
Jeremy: It's exciting in the same way as being shot at is exciting.

James: [While driving someone] The interesting thing about the French nation, I think, because they are essentially peasants and Communists, is that they are quite good at the fairly small and fairly simple car.

James: [On voting for the greatest driving song] However your home may be at risk if you vote for Meatloaf!

July 31st, 2005 [6.10][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James May thinks he's a racing driver; Richard Hammond thinks he's Jesus; and I think I'm going to be killed.

James: I'd give... the rest of me year's salary... to see that sink [When Jeremy was on an Argocat amphibious vehicle]

[during the outdoor toys test]
Jeremy: You do know why James is feeling more sedated than usual?
Richard: Tired, scared?
Jeremy: He's had an operation.
Richard: Where?
Jeremy: [whispers into Richard's ear] On his arse.
Richard: Ooh! That's... gotta hurt!
Jeremy: That's ...why [laughter]
Richard: With the saddle and everything!
James: [voiceover] It's true.

[Jeremy has managed to get his quad bike running]
Jeremy: Well done, Mr Mole-Husband, you're off. [The quad suddenly stalls, and Jeremy becomes frustrated] OHHH GO-O-OD! I HATE THIS QUAD!!!

[on the high powered quad bike]
Jeremy: This has a top speed - and I know this because I've done it - of one million miles an hour, a million! What really annoys me is that Hammond's gonna go, "Hey, it's really pretty, I can ride standing up and everything!" and I can't. Because I'm too tall and too old and too fat and I hate it!
Richard: It has a 450cc, single cylinder engine that makes a thousand, million horsepower, and it's faster than light!

[talking about the hovercraft]
Jeremy: Now, listen chaps, I have had the pleasure of driving one of these before and there are one or two things I need to tell you. First of all, okay, if you see an obstacle, like if we're going over there, if you see one of those trees coming towards you—too late, you're gonna hit it.
Richard: Alright, okay.
Jeremy: Well, you're not worried about that?
Richard: Well, if that's what happens….
Jeremy: You'll turn the handlebars, that won't make any difference—straight on, okay? So you think, "Alright, I'll lift off the power, the air will come out of the sack, it'll dig in and you'll be jettisoned at 50 miles an hour into the tree—
Richard: Oh, so you hit the tree with or without the hovercraft.
Jeremy: Yes, that's your choice.

[after falling off a hovercraft]
Jeremy: I've been killed, I've definitely been killed.

James: [Commenting on Dubai whilst there] I've got shirts older than this city.

Jeremy: "Yes, Lucifer has come to our little world of milk and petrol." (Speaking of the BMW 535d allowed to come on TG's track, the first diesel powered car on their track, the "rule breaker")

James: [On voting for Bat Out Of Hell as the best driving anthem ever] If you do choose to vote for Bat Out of Hell then we will come round and cut off YOUR electricity!

Richard: If we were to go to one of those offroad centers-they're springing up all over the place, where you can rent stuff out and do what we did, what would you have? And I'm telling you straight-away, it wouldn't be the racing quads, because you might as well just say, "I'd like to rent some death, please, for the day!"
Jeremy: Yeah, "I want to be dead within the hour!", "Certainly sir, have one of these!"

Jeremy: [On which buggy was better] Question is, which one? Cause your Drakart…great fun, lots of sideways action-
Richard: Hooligan-style!
Jeremy: -but quite unsophisticated; it was like going sideways in scaffolding.

August 7th, 2005 [6.11][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James tries his hand at being Beethoven; Richard wrestles a rampaging bull; and I develop a sudden urge to marry my cousin.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he's terrified of ducks, and that there's an airport in Russia named after him... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[During the news]
Jeremy: You told me the other day that your bike, whatever it is, sounds like you belching.
James: No, I didn't.
Jeremy: You did!
James: No. What I said was the sound at low revs from the exhausts is like the sound that a burp makes when it's forming [pointing at his stomach] down here...
Jeremy: I don't want to hear a forming burp going past my house on a Sunday afternoon, with someone dressed like a Power Ranger! I don't want that!

Jeremy: (On the Ford F150) The worst car I ever drove was a Russian Jeep in Saigon. And the critical word in that sentence is "was".

Series 7[edit]

November 13th, 2005 [7.1][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: How reliable is your car? How will this new British supercar fare on our track? And the new Baby Aston: how does it perform as an ark?

Jeremy: "Welcome To Greenpeace!" (After a video montage introducing the 7th series)

[on the Stig]
Richard: Some say his skin has the texture of a dolphin's, and that where ever you are in the world, if you tune your radio to 88.4, you can actually hear his thoughts... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[during the news, talking about the website Top Gayer]
Jeremy: Right, there's a new motoring website that's come out. It's for homosexuals...
(Audience Laughs as Richard abruptly reacts.)
Jeremy: It's a motoring site for homosexuals. You know what they called it?
(An audience member at the back shouts "Top Queer")
Jeremy: No, not Top Queer...
(Audience laughs, followed by applause)
Jeremy: ...though that's very good.
Richard: That's very good.
Jeremy: That's better than what they've come up with.
Richard: It is actually better.
Jeremy: They've actually called it... "Top Gayer."
(Audience laughs as a screenshot of the site is shown.)
Jeremy: I like Top Queer more!
Richard: Yeah. We'll set up a rival one.
Jeremy:The best thing about it, okay? 'Cause I went in and checked this one out, and...
Richard: Did you?
Jeremy: Yeah. The editor is called Rich. (Pauses then looks at Richard...)
Richard: Oh come on! It's not—
Jeremy: No, he's put a CV of himself in and he says he lives in the Cotswolds...
Richard: Well yeah I do—
Jeremy: He's got a 4x4.
Richard: Yes I have, but I'm not moonlighting as the editor of a gay website OK?
Jeremy: He's got a dog!
Richard: Yes look...I've got a...but it's not me!
Jeremy: He's had his teeth whitened.
Richard: I haven't had... I have not had my teeth whitened!
Jeremy: What they just become white?
Richard: In the same way that yours have gone green!
[Jeremy laughs]
Richard: It just happens to your teeth!
Jeremy: Anyway listen. If you are a homosexual and you want to know about... cars, write to "Richard Hammond, Suspiciously Neat House...
[Richard laughs]
Jeremy: ...Dog Lane, The Cotswolds!"
Richard: Thank you!

[also during the news]
Jeremy: Hey, Hey, Hey! Now the other day I was driving behind a BMW Z4, roof down, bloke driving along and he had a bit of a comb over. Now as he accelerated onto the M40, his speed built up, Whooop! He got lift off. He must've been thinking, I look like Tom Selleck in this car. Kinda like a pedal bin, put his foot down on the pedal, Whooop! Anyhow, that gave me an idea; I wonder if the Z4 is particularly bad for that, what would be the best convertible if you had a bit of a Charlton going on.
Richard: Yeah, good question.
Jeremy: So we are looking for volunteers. If you got a bit of a comb over and you would like to know which sports car is best, then please get in touch with us, and I'm being serious, no silly addresses: BBC Top Gear, 201 Wood Lane, London, W12 7TS. Mark your envelope: I've got a bit of a Charlton.

[How reliable is your car]
James: Hang on, I've just noticed something here. Of the bottom 13 cars, 10 of them are French.
Jeremy: Yea, that's probably why they're burning so many in Paris.
[When asking the audience]
Jeremy: What? A satisfied Mercedes customer? In the immortal words of Basil Fawlty, we ought to have him stuffed.

November 20th, 2005 [7.2][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy:Tonight: the best toys in the whole world; a car made on Memory Lane; and Audi's new RS4 races a thin man up a thick cliff.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he has no understanding of clouds, and that his earwax tastes like Turkish delight... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[following the Porsche Cayman power lap; the car has been disparaged by Jeremy for being made merely to fill a gap between the 911 and Boxster rather than to be as good as possible, and because their Producer has bought one as an "investment"]
Jeremy: And he did it in 1:26.7, so it goes...
[struggling to make a space on the board]
Jeremy: ...there. In front of a Corvette.
James: Interesting that you've made a space actually, because I reckon if you sent Porsche 911 and a Boxster around as well, the 911 would've gone about there [points randomly above the Cayman's time], and the Boxster - I dunno - about there [points about the same distance below the Cayman's time].
Jeremy: Yep, you're exactly right, and I'm just looking at this [points to the Cayman's time], 1:26, that's what it's worth.

[on the Porsche Cayman]
Jeremy: It's called the Cayman and I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, "that's not a new car, it's just a Boxster with a roof." You have got a point, it's got the same controls as the Boxster. They should've called it the Coxster!

[racing two speed climbers in an Audi RS4]
Jeremy: I will not be beaten by two adrenaline junkies who call everyone "dude."

Richard: [Into radio whilst sitting in a full-size remote control car as James crashes it] You are utterly useless!

James: [as a passenger in a life-size radio-controlled car, which Richard is attempting to park in an improvised carport garage lined with cheap porcelain trinkets] He's doing it good. Well done.
[the car advances]
James: [into radio] Brake, man! Brake! [the car smashes ornaments on shelves over the bonnet]
Richard: Sorry.
[Richard takes down the whole garage as he reverses out]
James: NO!
Richard: Sorry.

Richard: [Voiceover whilst controlling a life-size remote control car towing a caravan about to be hit by the "Wrecking Ball of Doom"] For once, I was hoping the caravan would survive.

[Demonstrating the new Vauxhall Astra VXR remote control car]
Jeremy: OK, it's over there, it's a Vauxhall VXR [car starts to approach them] Here it comes. And if you just watch carefully, you will note that it has now taken off. [car starts to float] It's flying!
James: It's floating!
Jeremy: No it's not floating, James. It's flying!
[Audience laughs]
Jeremy: There is a man controlling that! I mean, have you ever seen anything like this in your whole life? That is a ton of Vauxhall flying around the studio over people's heads. I will explain how it works, OK? It weighs about 10lbs, which is about the same as my Sunday joint and it has three little propellers that make it steer and move about.
Richard: That's amazing! Is it expensive?
Jeremy: Yes! It costs... five... pounds [Audience laughs] No, I'm joking, it costs £60,000.
Richard: Really?
Jeremy: £60,000 and worth every penny. Ladies and gentlemen, the flying Vauxhall. [audience applauds]

November 27th, 2005 [7.3][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: the chav-tastic new Ford Focus. The Transport Minister is in our Reasonably-Priced Car. And Richard Hammond and I have a fight.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his politics are terrifying, and that he once punched a horse to the ground... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy: I have an announcement to make. Top Gear, this... pokey motor show on BBC2, this week won—I've got it here—in New York, an Emmy! We've won an Emmy! Check it out!"
Richard: Wow! Can I touch it?
Jeremy: What this is for, okay, is for the best non-scripted entertainment show that wasn't made in America. That's us!
Richard: Why didn't you go and pick up the award from the ceremony?
Jeremy: Well, because I was writing the script for this week's show.
Richard: Thing is though, when the Office, you remember that sitcom series?... won some Golden... Globes recently, the whole of the BBC ground to a halt while everyone said congratulations and... they were showered with, like, gifts, and gold and diamonds...
Jeremy: It's true, the director general of the BBC spent a whole week rubbing warm pig fat into the back of Ricky Gervais.
Richard: So, how many chocolate covered lap dancers do you think were sent to us?
Jeremy: [to the audience] How many do you reckon? Not a damn thing!
Richard: Nothing!
Jeremy: And if you think that's outrageous, then please write to us, as of Monday, to Top Gear, Channel 4 television...

Richard: Look. A petrol station, the natural home territory of the Ford GT. And there it is, at the watering hole, drinking its fill. For the forty-seventh time today.

[Richard and James observe as Jeremy yet again stops to refuel his notoriously thirsty car at a service station in southern France]
Richard: How can he need more?
James: Have you noticed how his right bicep is now slightly bigger than his left one?
[Richard laughs]
James: ...have you also noticed that when he fills his car up, he stands like a teapot?
[Richard laughs harder and the camera reveals this to be true - Jeremy has his unoccupied hand on his hip, and his legs crossed]
[Jeremy wanders over]
Jeremy: James, I've run out of money.
James: Have you... what an interesting predicament.
Jeremy: [quietly] Please can I borrow some money.
Richard: I'm not— we're not bailing you out!
James: You want me to pay for your petrol?
Jeremy: Yes!
James: Right, the nation is observing...
Jeremy: [wandering off] I haven't got any money...
James: ...while I fund your ridiculous petrol habit.

Richard: [on multiple occasions] I have not had my teeth whitened!

Richard: [driving his Zonda in Paris] Don't scratch it!

Richard: [driving his Zonda in Paris, responding to horns blowing behind him] I know it's a supercar! It doesn't have vertical take-off!

Richard: [on Jeremy's Ford GT and its literally useless luggage compartment] The boot is there... purely to accommodate the boot lid!

James: Interestingly I think the Zonda is the sort of car for people who worry too much about their teeth.

[driving his Ferrari - surprisingly quickly - in southern France]
James: Here comes Captain Slow!

Jeremy: No American who designed that chassis [pointing to his Ford GT] is even half-aware that a road like this exists. If you brought an American here he would die of shock!

Jeremy: And the Ford? Well, it's the prettiest, it's the fastest, and it has the best fuel economy! Oh, no, wait, that's not right, is it?

Jeremy: You can't rationalise cars like this. They're not something you buy with your head, you buy them with your heart, because you love them, and who could explain love? [...] That's ok, that we can't agree, because if you remember, we didn't come all the way through France to find the best supercar. We came here for that.
This is the Millau Bridge. At a thousand feet, it's the tallest bridge in the world. It's so tall you could put Canary Wharf underneath the roadway. It's clever too, because it rises and falls by as much as ten feet, depending on the temperature and the season. It is a magnificent achievement.
So what does it have to do with our big, heavy, thirsty, expensive cars?
That is a supercar in the same way that that is a superbridge. They could've built it lower down with some RSJs and some planks of wood, but they didn't. They built something amazing, something astonishing, something wonderful, they went berserk.
This bridge, then, like the cars that brought us here, is an example of humans doing what humans do: pushing boundaries, pushing ourselves, taking something that can't be done – and then doing it.

[reading the French President's remarks on the Millau Bridge]
Jeremy: "A modern France, an enterprising, successful France, a France which invests in the future..." - He forgot to mention the fact, that the architect was British!

[On the Ford Focus ST]
Jeremy: ROOOOO-NEEEEY!! (shouted out of the window of a bright orange Ford Focus ST, highlighting the typical chav nature of the driver he sees the car as being targeted at)
Jeremy: [On the power lap] It is very foggy out there today, but you'll note the Stig doesn't have his rear fog lights on, 'cause of course he's not a blithering idiot.

Jeremy: We're having a bit of a break from the norm tonight because we're going to put a Member of Parliament in our reasonably priced car. He is the Minister for Transport, which means he is the Minister for Speed Cameras. No, no, no, no, no! This is the BBC, we will treat him with respect and impartiality! So, please welcome Beelzebub himself, Dr. Stephen Ladyman!

Stephen: [On the speed Camera] We paint them yellow, we put them where you can see them, and we put a big sign to tell you where they are coming. And we even printed a list on the internet. If you still got caught, whose fault is that?
Jeremy: You are the one with 9 points, and I haven't got any...

December 4th, 2005 [7.4][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Which is faster, a Renault or a bicycle? Ellen MacArthur sets sail round our track; And how much supercar do you get for 10,000 pounds?

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his tears are adhesive, and that if he caught fire, he'd burn for a thousand days... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[On Richard's "Fake" Ferrari (a Dino 308)]
Jeremy: There's no point going "I've bought my shirt at 'George' " [the ASDA-Walmart in-house clothing brand]; it's from ASDA! You've bought a 'George' car!

[Seeing James arriving on the scene with an AA truck, complete with the Lamborghini Urraco strapped to the truck's bed]
Jeremy: James had bought an AA truck! [Jeremy and Richard began to dissolve into laughter, as James hops off from the truck] James, we told you to buy a mid-engined, Italian supercar, not a truck.

[Beginning the challenge]
Richard: Your Seventies supercar mission for today is to drive from Bristol to "Spearmint Rhino", in Slough.
Jeremy: That's a lap-dancing club.
Richard: [apparently puzzled] Is it?
Jeremy: [mocks his attempt to appear innocent] Oh, you don't know...?!

James: [to a pedestrian] Eh? No it's not a kit car, it's a Lamborghini... Philistine!

(When they are performing the challenge of parking in Marlborough)
Jeremy (Hammond is attempting to park): Are you, uh, looking where you're going or using the force
[...]
Richard (Clarkson is attempting to park): Is it ... Is it heavy, mate?
Jeremy: Oooooh.
[...]
(May is fetching his car)
Jeremy (voiceover): Because James' car is so big and hard to see out of, we decided to "help" him out a little.
(Jeremy is moving one of the cars)
Richard: You evil man! That's brilliant! That's genius.

[on his Lamborghini's chronic electrical problems]
James: The Italians invented electricity, as we all know.

[asked if his Lambo' had broken down]
James: No, I just had to stop and fill it up with electricity.

[on his Lambo]
James: Right, the battery is discharging, the oil temperature is very high, the oil pressure is very low, the engine temperature is off the end of the scale, I'm running out of petrol... but the clock is correct!

[after Richard's Dino has been tested against its original output on a rolling road]
Jeremy: Sixty-one Horsepower has escaped; that's how many a year?
James: Think of it another way, that's a... that's a VW Lupo that has escaped from your engine!

[In Lisbon, about the full-face helmeted downhill biker he was about to race in a Renault Clio]
James: Now all that was left was to psyche out [Darth Vader].

James: It does still look a bit like the inside of Jacques Cousteau's wetsuit in here.

[After losing a race to a downhill biker in Lisbon]
James: Permission to say "Oh, cock" on BBC Two.

[Back in the studio after the first part of the Cheap Car Challenge...]
Jeremy: We're going to be picking that up later on, but for now, it's time to update our "ITALIAN MID-ENGINED SUPERCARS FOR LESS THAN A SECOND-HAND MONDEO CHALLENGE"...
Richard: ...chart!

[on the Italian supercar challenge]
Jeremy: [...] Now, next one is the big one, okay - insurance. That's the main problem with cars of this type, okay? We had to go out and get a quote to see how low we could go, and mine was, for the Maserati, 300 pounds.
Richard: A year?
Jeremy: Yeah.
Richard: For a Maserati?
Jeremy: Yeah.
Richard: Don't be ridiculous!
Jeremy: No, you see, the reason is pretty simple: unlike you, I'm a respectable middle-aged man, unlike you, I don't have any points on my license, and it's kept in an alarmed, locked garage in one of the safest parts of the country.
James: Yeah, but hang on a minute though, because you are, what, a journalist and a broadcaster, and I happen to know that those are 2 of the highest rated insurance risks on the book.
Jeremy: Yep, you're exactly right, which is why I told them I was a doctor! [referring to his honorary doctorate in engineering]

[Jeremy has won two points for making his insurance quote two-hundred under the £500 bench-mark.]
Jeremy: Two points - for being a doctor!

Richard: I said "I'm an after-dinner speaker." [cue mocking by Jeremy & James]
Jeremy: You see...
Richard: I've done two.
James: [scoffs] Two hundred.
Jeremy: Anyway, what was your quote?
Richard: Well for a big corporate bank, 5 grand. I suppose, for a charity, I'll do it for 3 and a half...
Jeremy: No, what was your insurance quote?
Richard: Oh! Grand.. 1000 pounds.
Jeremy: That really includes, presumably, the 800 quid to cover your new expensive teeth.
Richard: I have not... had... my teeth whi— I just haven't!
Richard: So... I actually lose... er, that's minus five... that's bad.
Jeremy: Ooh... Lose...! Englebert's going down, with his new teeth!

James: Now I was honest, and I said - "I'm a journalist, AND a broadcaster..."
Jeremy: And I bet you told them you live in London as well?
James: Yes, that's right - y'know, Single, car parked on the street, live in an area of London that's usually on fire...
Jeremy: So your quote was...
James: [dramatic pause for breath] Five thousand pounds! [for which he loses a massive 45 points]
[general laughter and an almost sympathetic bout of one-upmanship by Jeremy recounting a previous quote for £22000 on an Escort Cosworth worth "only" £19000]

[Jeremy driving a timed lap at Castle Coombe Race Circuit in his Maserati Merak]
Jeremy: 4,000 RPM! And that's all the rebuilt engine has to give!
Richard: That car is...
Jeremy:Why won't you rev?!
Richard: ...an appalling heap of junk.

[After they declared no one won the challenge]
Jeremy: But no matter, we did end up with a "Top Gear Top Tip", okay? Yes, you can buy a supercar for less than ten thousand pounds, but for the love of God, don't!!

December 11th, 2005 [7.5][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: We drive the new Bugatti in Italy; we drive the new Bugatti in Switzerland and France; and we drive the new Bugatti in London.

[After Hammond's review of the Marcos TSO]
Jeremy: [opening the door of the Marcos TSO] What's this?
Richard: Erm...
Jeremy: [showing what he found] It's a tooth-whitening kit.
Richard: It's a plant! It's a plant!
Jeremy: It was just a theory until a moment ago...

[on the Stig]
Richard: Some say he can swim seven lengths under water, and he has webbed buttocks... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Richard: Now, I'm dying to know the verdict, but first, something more important... your hat! What were you thinking?! You were like the dog car in Dumb and Dumber [makes a face referring to the hat James was wearing in the 2WD Vs. AWD 911 challenge]
James: [leans toward Hammond] Listen! That hat is haute couture in rallying circles.

[On the News]
Jeremy: A cow does more global warming than a Range Rover.

[Introducing Nigel Mansell]
Jeremy: He was the Formula 1 world champion and the American Indy car champion at the same time, and he was also Britain's highest paid sportsman, and he achieved all this despite being born with a moustache.

[on Nigel Mansell's moustache]
Jeremy: I always thought it was interchangeable with your eyebrows.

[Starting off the car vs. plane race]
James: Now normally when we have these races Jeremy goes in a car and says "POWEEEEEEER" a lot, and Richard and I will go on a ferry, or a train, or an airliner, or whatever. But this time it's slightly different because I've been learning to fly.
Jeremy: So you see, the scene was set, okay? It would be Captain Captain Slow and his Hammond hand luggage in a private plane versus me in a car.

[in May's Cessna 182.]
Richard: We've got no bloody forks!
James: Stop whinging about the ruddy in-flight food, man! And don't jig about because we're climbing... We're struggling in a minute...
Richard: I am not jigging! How rubbish is this thing if I can't even lift a chocolate bar to my face without it crashing into a mountain?

[on May's Cessna 182.]
Jeremy: What's it called?
Richard: [to Jeremy on the phone] Cessna 182; I think "182" refers to the number of quid it cost, I suspect.

Jeremy: Captain Slow is up there in his washing machine. I will not be beaten by a washing machine.

Jeremy: That isn't so much a throttle that my right foot's on, it's a hyperspace button. World's going backwards!

[on the phone with an insurance company]
Jeremy: Hello, are you the people who can "quote me happy" ?

[after the above attempt failed]
Jeremy: I've spent half an hour talking to a man, telling him where you were born, how many children you've got, where you live, what your postcode is, and then he says "Is a Bugatti a Rover?". Well, they've quoted me miserable there.

[on the Veyron]
Jeremy: Even though there are these huge cooling ducts here and the engine has no cover at all, that thing has ten radiators. Three to cool the engine itself, three for the intercoolers, one to do the axle oil, one to do the engine oil and one to cool the hydraulic fluid used to raise that rear spoiler. It's got more radiators than my house!

James: YOU UNBEARABLE MAN, I CAN'T STAND IT!!! [after arriving at the destination for the Veyron vs. Plane race to find Jeremy had already arrived about a minute earlier]

December 27th, 2005 [7.6][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Can a Mazda go faster than a dog? Can a frog go faster than a Peugeot? And can I go faster than... myself?

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his heart is in upside down, and that his teeth glow in the dark... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Richard: A dog oversteers, which is more fun...
Jeremy: ...than an understeering hyena.
Richard: So, you want a Mazda MX-5 because it's rear wheel drive.

Jeremy: OK, now it's time to do the ugliest car of the year and the nominations are: the Ssangyong Kyron...
Richard: Uugghh...
Jeremy: ...the Ssangyong Rodius...
[shouts of disgust from the audience]
Jeremy: ...and look at this one, the Ssangyong Musso!
[more shouts from the audience]
Jeremy: That thing really is a Moose, isn't it? So which one has won it? It's the BMW 3 Series!
[On "best noise of the year"]
James: That is the sound your spine would make if you could actually hear it tingle.

Jeremy: "If it's not a democracy, it's a dictatorship. And I'm dictating that the Aston Martin V8 Vantage is the winner!" (the 2005 TG Awards)

Jeremy: The next award is for the Gas Guzzler of the year. And the nominations are: The Range Rover sport, which achieved eight miles to the gallon. The Bugatti Veyron, which achieved four miles to the gallon. And Hemel Hempstead. That actually used up 60 million gallons of fuel, didn't move an inch!

[while playing Gran Turismo 4]
Jeremy: I am going to pick a track, we'll go for a real one... Laguna Seca and now we have to pick a car. TVR Tuscan, nope too much of a handful. Aston Martin DB9. That's not a racing car, that's just pornography.

Series 8[edit]

May 7th, 2006 [8.1][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: I drive the scariest car in the world. James drives the least scary car in the world. And we all drive a car with a monkey on the roof.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his ears aren't exactly where you'd expect them to be, and that once, preposterously, he had an affair with John Prescott... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[Talking about their new dog, Top Gear Dog (TGD), being a Labradoodle (Labrador-Poodle cross)]
Jeremy: Yeah, that makes her a hybrid. We were going to call her "Prius", but that would have been cruel... and she would have eaten a lot more than we were expecting.

Jeremy: [Discussing the bright pink convertible Nissan Micra] It just looks like a scrotum!

Jeremy: [About his Ford GT] The thing is, I think I'm right in saying that I have never completed a single journey, anywhere there and back, in it ever. Which must make it the most unreliable car... ever made. In fact, if you've got a more unreliable one, write to us at "Actually, I've Got a Peugeot" BBC Top Gear, London W12...

[Discussing 20p organic crisps]
Jeremy: You see the thing is this, if you buy those crisps, the 20p goes to the Mexican sewage industry but if you buy petrol, the money goes to the government who spend it letting out foreign prisoners so they can stab people.
[Laughter, Hammond with his head in his hands, large applause]

[on quitting his smoking habit]
Jeremy: In recent weeks, a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.
[cuts to him criticizing a tree in the woods]
Jeremy: It's just completely the wrong colour. [seeing a twig on the ground] Look, a twig, why, why's it there? [picks up the twig] Look at it! [prepares to throw the twig but it snaps under pressure]

[thundering down the road in the Koenigsegg CCX]
Jeremy: Who needs nicotine?!

Jeremy: [Commenting on the Koenigsegg CCX] I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: "Oh no, my head has just exploded!"

Jeremy: Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?

[About the Koenigsegg CCX]
Jeremy: Oh. And I'll give you a little tip: If you tune this engine to run on environmentally-friendly biofuel, you'll be getting nine hundred brake horsepower. [laughs] Should I get Bill Oddie one of these?

Jeremy: This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases. [Drives past a sign welcoming him to "Piddington"] That says it all, really. "I drive a people carrier... I'm a bit of a Piddington"

[heading to Woburn Abbey Safari Park in the convertible Renault Espace]
Richard: [to James] Well, let's put it this way: if you were to be locked inside a phone box for half an hour with: a) a monkey, or b) a lion, there you go! What would you go for?
James: The lion.
Both: What?
James: No, because monkeys, in confined spaces, those Barbary monkeys, they panic and they get really, incredibly violent.
Jeremy: I love the way that James thinks that monkeys are, in some way, the greatest peril that we're facing... in the next hour of our lives.

[At the safari park in their convertible people carrier, watching two lions mate]
Richard: [Voiceover] Fortunately, the lions had other things on their minds.
Jeremy: Oh, look what's going on.
James: Oh no, he's...
Richard: Oh, that's... lion porn!
Jeremy: What are you doing, man?
Richard: What if he tries to do that to us?

[on driving the home-made convertible through the monkey enclosure]
Jeremy: ARGGGGGH! [Sneaks to the front to avoid the monkeys roaming above him on the roof]
James: Hey you got to stay there after you mocked me!

[Whilst in the carwash in the Espace convertible]
Jeremy: I'm dry still.
[a moment later]
Jeremy: I'M WET NOW!!

[The three take their convertible people carrier through a car wash]
Jeremy: Uh... it's on fire.
Richard: What?! It can't be on fire! [He looks] It's on fire.
Jeremy: It's on fire. Just run. Just run.
[The three run off... and after the film]
Jeremy: The thing is, we managed to set fire to something that's basically made of water!
Richard: How did you do that? Did you see the owner of the car wash afterwards?
Jeremy: He was...
Richard: Cross. Very cross.
James: He was especially cross when I rang him up and asked if we could have our three pounds fifty back.

James: [about the Honda Civic's poor sound insulation] I mean, I like an engine note as much as the next person, but I'd like it to be a fizzy V6 hand-crafted in Italy. This... [revving the engine] that's a rather dreary 4-pot from rainy Swindon.

Jeremy: You need to be able to drive the car over a sleeping policeman... That wouldn't drive over Richard Hammond's girlfriend.

May 14th, 2006 [8.2][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: I'm ruining the tranquillity of the Yorkshire Dales. Richard ruins Iceland. And we all ruin a local radio show.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he has a digital face, and that if he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[in the news sction]
James: Look at this. [...] It is called the "quickstart". You stick it in your cigarette lighter when you are driving in France and when you turn the car on in the morning its little electronic voice reminds you to drive on the right.
Richard: That might be useful if you are a bit thick
James: [...] Actually, it is a complete waste of £ 9,99. When you get up in the morning, all your luggage has been stolen from the boot and your car's just a burnt out shell, you'll know you're in France anyway.

[on the way to hosting the radio programme, Jeremy and James had taken to bad-mouthing Richard's Cadillac BLS]
Richard: Just stop talking now.
[a brief silence...]
James: I don't like the clock.
Richard: Save it!

[during the news]
James: To test for speed, they'd have to give the driver a Hoover.
Richard: Eh?
James: You know when you're at a big party, at the end of it everybody's asleep, the bloke who's on speed is always hoovering.
Jeremy: The rock and roll years, with James May!

Jeremy: [Before the Stig's Liana lap] This week we've been literally inundated with a letter...

[near the end of the news]

James: Now, look at this. A bloke stole a Mercedes McLaren SLR, which is one of the fastest cars in the world. We have to agree it's on the top of our board, but it was fitted with one of those tracker devices, so the police could trace it. They caught him after 40 minutes, d'you know how far he'd gone in that time?
[Jeremy and Richard shrug shoulders]
James: 12 miles!
[Laughter]
Richard: What was he doing?
Jeremy: That's the least ambitious thief in the world.
James: That's an average speed of 18 miles per hour.
Richard: Why did he nick it?
James: I dunno, but I would like to appeal to him, if he's been let out by the home secretary, which he almost certainly has been... [Laughter and applause] ...if you'd like to steal a motor vehicle and travel around the place at 18 miles per hour, could you nick my Honda 90?

[on the new Jaguar XK, and why its front lifts above 130 mph]
Jeremy: Golf. In the boot, golfists want enough room to put their bats...

Jeremy: [About a BMW 650 convertible] This doesn't have an engine. What it has instead is a nuclear bomb under the bonnet.

May 21st, 2006 [8.3][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: I get a hot head..."Oh-oh-oh, I'm on fire..."; Richard gets another Top Gear dog "Help!"; And James has some trouble with wind.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his genitals are on upside down, and that if he could be bothered, he could crack the Da Vinci Code in 43 seconds... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[Trying to discover what sort of car Richard has bought during the Amphibious Car Challenge]
Jeremy: Hamster! How it's going?
Richard: Very well, thank you, very well indeed!
Jeremy: What are you doing? What've you got?
Richard: Err, it's, it's pretty... I don't wanna tell you, really, but it's pretty... sleek, um, as a road-going vehicle; as a boat I think it's gonna be a winner.
Jeremy: I bet it's a Lotus Esprit, isn't it?
Richard: Well, it's a monocoque [screws up face]. Um, so it, it has sort of sporting... pretensions.
Jeremy: And what're you going in terms of propulsion?
Richard: Uh, well, now, the, the, the, the... lot of power. I'm gonna... I'm gonna fully utilise the onboard power.
Jeremy: [voiceover] Hammond was keeping his cards close to his chest.
James: Hello?
Jeremy: May.
James: Clarkson.
Jeremy: Have you heard the Hamster?
James: Well, yeah, I did, but I can't get much out of him. He's now saying his car is rear-engined, but not a 911. I think he's bought an Hillman Imp and he's making a submarine.

[practicing his negligble sailing skills in a small boat]
James: There's a boat there called the "Hey Presto"! Hang on, there's a boat right here called "Puffin" - Hello Puffin! [crashes heavily into "Puffin"]

[after being drenched in the motor wash from Jeremy's borrowed powerboat]
James: You utter pirate!

[Jeremy has just shown Richard the buoyancy aids he has added to his Toybota.'
Jeremy: So you think...that left to its own devices...a Volkswagen campervan...will float?
Richard: Well it's like...it's like a narrow boat in shape. A narrow boat is just a big box isn't it?
Jeremy: [Extending his hand to Richard] Goodbye.

James: [Struggling onto the Motorway in his Triumph Herald] And we're in Top Gear... 35mph..!

Richard: Meanwhile, my lack of power was becoming an issue.

[The campervan makes rusty noises]

Jeremy: [My road boat].
Richard: Help! I'm trying to get up the hill. Haha!

Jeremy: [voiceover] Meanwhile, back at the convoy...

[Richard's campervan suddenly stalls at a road junction]

Richard: No!! Not now...

[Richard tries to start the campervan, just as Jeremy starts to pull away in his Hilux]

Richard: Wait! I've died, I've died!
Jeremy: Goodbye!

Jeremy: [voiceover] ...and so in the spirit of Top Gear comradeship... we left James behind.

Jeremy: It's the coldest March for twenty years, because of global warming.

[Richard's van is sinking and James' car is stuck in weeds]
Richard: Did you want tea or coffee?
James: Tea, please mate.

Jeremy: I've got a spare outboard.
Richard: You are joking.
Jeremy: I have. How much will you give me?
Richard: A million pounds!
Jeremy: A million?
Richard: And a leg, take your pick! Either leg! [Jeremy hands him the tiny 4.5hp motor he was originally recommended] Oh, yes! Now what do I do?

Jeremy: Hammond, how much?
Richard: For what?
Jeremy: A lift.
Richard: I'll give you a million quid, or this bucket.

Richard: Jeremy?
Jeremy: Yes?
Richard: I've come up with a problem.
[realising Richard's bucket is actually a plant pot with holes in it]
Jeremy: You have... you owe me a million pounds!

James: Avast, land lubbers!

Jeremy: Rise Toybota!

James: [to Richard and Jeremy at the end of the challenge] Chaps...one observation I might have. Sailing: REALLY boring!

[after the amphibious car challenge]
Jeremy: It's a fair victory. It's not like I'm a sore loser or anything... it's just that, for going home tonight, James won't be using the Herald [points to the Triumph Herald] because the clutch has gone. Richard won't be using that [points to the "Dampervan"] because it was ruined in the accident. Whereas, because I bought a Hilux [points at Toybota] - and, as we know, from here [indicates the Hilux] - they are indestructible, I shall be driving this home! So, um...
Richard: Yes, alright.
Jeremy: Yes, thank you all very much for watching. It's been a...[Clarkson gets in and tries to start it, but fails, to much ridicule from Hammond and May]
Richard: Oh ha ha ha! You have broken the 'indestructible'... ha ha ha. It's not working.

[Richard and James listen to the engine]

Both: No it isn't.
Jeremy: ...And on that bombshell, it's time to end the show. Thanks very much for watching. [Jeremy "facepalms" on the steering wheel out of embarrassment] Goodnight!

[during the news]
Richard: My daughter is five years old, she loves cleaning the car with me. We share it.
Jeremy: Oh, do you live in a yoghurt commercial?

Jeremy: Look, anyone who washes their car has a small mind, or is in an unhappy marriage!

[during the news]
James: [Talking about digital displays on the sides of roads] Those displays aren't always true, like the microwave in my mate's kitchen. It says "Enjoy your meal" when you get something out. But I won't if it's my pants...
[The other two start ridiculing him for supposedly having no pants on in his mate's kitchen]

[during the news]
James: The only thing I keep in my car is a little paintbrush for cleaning dust out of the switches.
Richard: You're scaring me, mate...
James: And I always like to have the air vents lined up so they're really completely symmetrical.
Richard: Stop talking now!
James: And if anybody moves them... I get really angry.
Richard: (to Jeremy) Does genuinely scare me.

[during the news, while talking about Top Gear Dog's new "doggles"]
James: Those aren't doggles, they're goggles with the G crossed out and replaced with a D.

[still during the news]
Jeremy: Now, we get loads of...er, letters on this show, very angry ones from people who say we don't do enough, em, affordable cars, you know, family cars. One particularly angry caller last week rang the BBC duty log saying we were a disgrace, well, Mr. Needham, check this out...[a picture of the Vauxhall Corsa appears on the TV screen] That is the new Vauxhall Corsa! [3 seconds later] And, er, moving on now...[audience dissolves into laughter]

[During the Cool Wall, talking about the Koenigsegg CCX.]
Jeremy: If you go though the Pearly Gates, backwards, in a fireball, that's a cool way to die!
Richard: I love that vision of just blasting through the gates, backwards, in a flaming Swedish supercar! "Yes! I'm here! Where are the women?"

Jeremy: (about a Ford Mustang going head-to-head against a Lotus Exige S) "It's got a 4.6 litre 300bhp V8 at the front, rear-wheel drive at the back, and a Stig in the middle."
Jeremy: (about the Exige S, a few seconds later) "And he's lined up alongside a plastic car that was made by some Norfolk turnip farmers, which is being driven by a fat bloke with a dicky hip."

Jeremy: (the start of the Exige S Power Lap) "Slingshot acceleration, thanks to those semi-slick tires and the fact that this doesn't weigh anything..."

May 28th, 2006 [8.4][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: I investigate some new in-car dogging technology. Richard races a man dressed as a squirrel. And with a wing and a prayer, the Koenigsegg is back on our track.

[on the Stig]
Richard: Some say his ears have a paisley lining, and he's been banned from the Chelsea Flower Show... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[At the start of the road test of a Porsche Cayenne Turbo S]
Richard: Welcome to Greenpeace Hell.

[hearing a bang as he drives a Porsche Cayenne Turbo S]
Richard: Ow! Oh, that sounded expensive.

[to the guest French fashion designer, who complained about his eating habits]
Jeremy: What's the matter with chips with vinegar on them?

Jeremy: I'm gonna have to explain all this to my nine-year-old boy. [makes a face] Who's ten, I've just remembered!

Jeremy: [to the Mercedes S-Class onboard computer] Station: Radio 2. [It retunes to Radio 2] And it goes to Radio 2. Or, Station: absolute rubbish. [It retunes to Radio 1] Look! Radio 1! It knows! How brilliant's that?

[on the approach the BMW M Division took when developing the Z4M]
Richard: So on this car, they've thrown out the fancy electronic power steering for a more old-fashioned system that they prefer. They've also got rid of those ridiculous run-flat tyres, and they've not messed about with any fancy gearboxes either. They've fitted it with a proper old-fashioned manual.
Richard: [voiceover] That is a set of confident decisions. So naturally, you'd be forgiven for approaching any corner with a similar amount of confidence.
[The Z4M nearly runs off the edge of the track in a corner]
Richard: [countersteering furiously] Whoa! Whoa! Understeer - ! [recovering control] ... Bloody hell! I was not expecting that.

Richard: [holding a red Dorset Naga chili pepper] This... is the BMW Z4. [tastes pepper gingerly with the tip of his tongue] GAH!

Richard: [on the Z4M, still in pain after tasting a red naga chili] It absolutely steals your heart, which is why it's the one I'd drive home. If I could see...

Richard: [Driving the Porsche Cayenne Turbo S] So, we've devised another Richard Hammond real world test...
[scene continues to car vs skydiver stunt]

[regarding photos of the (rather extensive) damage to a Porsche Cayenne and the production vehicle Richard crashed it into]
Richard: Oh, come on now, most of that'll polish out! It was just a slight... shunt.
Jeremy: You set the airbags off in the Porsche, look!
Richard: Actually, that was a bit of a surprise, and a bit of a worthwhile test, because I always thought, you know, an airbag going off would be like resting your head in a big fluffy pillow.
Jeremy: Mmm?
Richard: It's not! It's like being hit in the face with a wrecking ball! You have a crash, "Oh no!" and then boomf!, urgh, it hurts! I didn't like it.

[testing Jeremy's redecorated Mercedes, with its concrete floor]
Richard: Sixty miles an hour!
James: [tripping stopwatch] Thirty-five point four seconds!

[Richard's seat has fallen over while negotiating the Hammerhead]
James: Regain control of the cottage!

[at the end of the "cottage" lap]
Richard: D'you know what? This is rubbish.
James: Terrible.

[Jeremy disputes this finding]
Jeremy: This is the safest car ever made.
Richard: I've got a scar!
James: Oh I've got bruised balls and a very badly barked cock.
[...]
Jeremy: The brilliance of this car is that you're never really going fast enough to properly hurt yourself.
Richard: You're never really going fast enough to get where you're going in it!
James: Sixty miles an hour, what was it? Thirty-five seconds.
Jeremy: How safe's that?!
Richard: Have you ever - have you ever been in a dining room doing sixty miles an hour?
James: Do you want me to show you what it's like to be smacked on the head with a wingback chair?
[...]
Jeremy: Look, the problem is taste, OK? If you [Richard] made a car to look like the inside of your house, it would have a horse in it. And you [James], your house is just full of pictures of the Queen!

[on the re-engineered Koeniggsegg CCX, with altered suspension and an added rear spoiler, and keeping in with the modified S-Class theme]
Jeremy: We're no longer just reviewing cars on Top Gear - we're designing them!

[Discussing the cottage design of the Mercedes S Class to the French designer]
Jeremy: We'll try it my way... and then we'll finish it. [walks away quickly]

June 4th, 2006 [8.5][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: The new Citroën C6: hovercraft or horse manure? Jackie Chan teaches Captain Slow how to drive. And don't bother watching the World Cup, because we've drank it already.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that the outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nürburgring, and that if you give him a really important job to do, he'll skive off and play croquet... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

James: OK, here we are with the sitting down news, which comes from Subaru who are arranging a series of track days for £250. You can go the Prodrive test track and thrash around in an Impreza or one of those bigger one whose name is - um -
Jeremy and Richard: Legacy.
James: Legacy, that's the one! Um, there's only a few conditions: you have to be eighteen years or over, you have to have had a full driving license for over a year... ooh, and you have to be between 5 foot 2 and 6 foot 7, so that's you two out. Excellent. [Laughter]
Jeremy: That's "heightist" frankly.
Richard: Yeah, that's "heightist."
James: I can't think of a better recommendation actually.
Jeremy: What?
Richard: Us not being able to do it?
James: Exactly, I'll be going, I'll see you there.

Richard: And after Jeremy's frankly useless efforts were put on the television, a Scottish lady called Jackie Stewart wrote to us saying that she could get any one of us, to any race track in the country, in any car, get us to set our best time, and then she could get us to knock twenty seconds off that time.
Jeremy: He. It's a he. Jackie Stewart's a he.
Richard: Right-o.
Jeremy: Anyway, we decided to accept his challenge and we sent him the most difficult pupil of them all... him. [Jeremy points to James May]

[while driving with Jackie Stewart]
James: This is probably what will happen to me in hell: A TVR, a racetrack and a pedantic Scotsman.

[on the TVR Tuscan 2 Convertible]
James: In the old days of TVR you would have thought "that's a ticket to a festival of plastic death", but actually I thought it was good. I thought it handled really well.

Jeremy: When our guest tonight first came here he was so spectacular, we named a corner in his honour. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome, SIR MICHAEL FOLLOW-THROUGH!

[to Michael Gambon]
Jeremy: Last time you were here, in the Liana: 1.55. You did it, in the Lacetti, in one minute... [Jeremy starts writing the time down but stops, holding the pen up] Due to the unique way the BBC is funded, the pen doesn't work!

[on the Prodrive P2]
Jeremy: You also get a funny little noise from the waste gate when you take your foot off the accelerator... [he lifts off, and we hear the noise] It sounds like squirrels are being pushed into the engine. That's what this is, it's a squirrel mincer!

[on the 2006 Monaco GP]
Jeremy: That's the trouble with Formula 1! Everyone's obsessed about sporting behaviour! You see at the Nürburgring, up there at qualifying, the... what's his name, the other Renault driver, Fisichella... Fisichella charging down the pit lane to go and plant one on Villeneuve. And they go "Oooh that's not very sporting!" IT IS! He's a young Mediterranean racing driver and he wants to plant a big [punching noise and action] on a stupid, short-sighted, baggy-trousered Canadian. And he should've got points for it! He should've got extra points for that.
Richard: Are you saying drivers should just get, like, random points?
Jeremy: Yes!
Richard: And who's going to give them these points?
Jeremy: Me!
[...]
Jeremy: I've got another idea! You know people in Sheffield nightclubs that are always egging their mates to have a fight?
Richard: Well, yes, I do.
Jeremy: Every one of the pit garages should have one of those. [Geordie accent] "'Ey, you seen that Alonso? 'E were lookin' at your pit board."
Richard: What, starting fights?
Jeremy: [Still in Geordie accent] "'E's spilt your practice lap, what you gonna do? You can't do nothin'."
[...]
Jeremy: Listen, Bernie, if you're watching, you've got my number. Gimme a call and some leaves, I'm your man.

[on the Prodrive P2, after being made car-sick by its incredible cornering grip]
Jeremy: It can blow your mind... but also empty your stomach.

[during the news, talking about the Audi RS4 convertible]
Jeremy: Listen, but Uma Thurman's got big hands, you're not going to say "get out of my house," are you?
James: Yes.
Richard: Because she's got big hands?
James: I don't like girls with big hands.
Jeremy: Why don't you like girls with big hands?
James: Well it just looks wrong, doesn't it? You get a woman with big hands that goes, "Hi James, I'm Uma!'" [exaggerates big hand movements]

Jeremy: [voiceover] This is the old Citroën CX, and it was mad in every way.

Jeremy: [voiceover, on the Citroën CX] Trying to drive this car through a town was like trying to wire a plug while wearing boxing gloves. It was always going to end in tears.

Jeremy: [on the Citroën C6] But I want it to feel completely different to any other car. I want to start it by licking a little panel here on the steering wheel. I want the gear lever to be made of rhubarb and to stick out of the sun visor. I want to feel like I'm in a Salvador Dalí painting and it's all melting. [...] Is this an indicator? Yes it is. It shouldn't be! That should be the boot release. The indicator should be, I don't know, [opens center console] in here somewhere. It's all wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong. [voiceover] As a car, it's conventional too. It's front-wheel-drive rather than side-wheel-drive, and prices start at 29 and a half thousand pounds, rather than 29 and a half thousand zarps.

Richard: I don't know if I've mentioned this but the parcel shelf in this, is made out of pineapples. Don't know if that'll help.

[After receiving a text, ostensibly a reply from Kristin Scott Thomas]
Jeremy: It says, "You know about the restraining order, that includes texts. I've called the poo lice!" [He looks nervous]

July 16th, 2006 [8.6][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Tonight: we drive a Formula One car... indoors; Hannibal Lector is in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and we go on a caravan holiday!

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he invented Branston Pickle, and that if you insult his mother, he will head-butt you in the chest... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy: [On the Mazda 6 MPS] And you don't have to worry about all the oomph making the chassis go 'blblblbl' and fall to pieces because it's got four wheel drive.

James: [on film clip] It's not wide enough!

[During the news, James suggests the Daihatsu Copen]
Richard: You would look such a spanner in that!
James: No I wouldn't!
Richard: Yes you would, because you'd be sticking up above up with your big floppy hair like a spaniel. Never, ever, ever, ever buy a car which you are taller than, when you’re sitting in it, than it is long. You'll look like Noddy with bad hair!

Jeremy: Okay, remind me. Who were the last 4 teams in the World Cup? All European. Women's finalists at Wimbledon; both European. Men's finalists; both European. Everything anyone ever does in any walk of life is done better by Europeans and it's the same with cars.

Jeremy: Jesus is here!

James: Now, look at this, there's a study out here, it says people with those speed camera detectors are 600% less likely to get a speeding ticket than the rest of us. In other news, it's been revealed that people with metal detectors are 600% less likely to step on land mines.

James: [On driving a bus] Yeah, it's easier [than sitting here] actually. 'Cause you're not being filmed. So you can have a joint. No! Sorry.

Jeremy: Chaps.
James: Yes?
Jeremy: There's a list of essential accessories.
James: Ok, let's see if we've got them.
Jeremy: Step?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Water container?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Mains hook up lead?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Leisure battery?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Gas cylinders?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Towing mirrors?
All: YES!
Jeremy: We could be gypsies.

Jeremy: James, the car is weaving about.
Richard: It's not—this is not natural.
James: Really alarming!
Richard: [voiceover] So, we consulted the caravan handbook.
Jeremy: [quoting the handbook] "When a swaying caravan starts to dictate the direction of travel, you have a snake."
Richard: No, you have a crash!
Jeremy: Exactly! [quoting] "Try to keep it in the straight ahead position, and allow the outfit to slow down gradually." [commenting] And that's not true! You put your foot down, don't you?
Richard: Power out of it. Always!
James: Yeah!
Jeremy: Power out!
Richard: Yes, if in doubt, give it more power.
Jeremy: [holding up the handbook] This is wrong!

James: This car feels really odd.
Jeremy: James, it—what's a Kia C—
Richard: Thingy.
Jeremy: Soprano, Sudoku... It's not a good car.

James: Do you know what's behind us?
Jeremy: What?
James: Horse box.
Richard: What, we're holding up a horse box?
Jeremy: Ah, now that's payback. I like that. I'll write him a message. [He picks up the keypad for an LED messageboard bought at the service station] Serves... You... ["Serves you right!" appears on the screen at the back of the caravan]

[riding in the tow car on a single-carriageway country road]
Richard: Oh, I've just seen the queue [behind them] as we came off the roundabout! I can't live with the shame!

[police sirens are heard]
Jeremy: Police are here! Runaway!
Richard: Run! Hide in a bush!

Jeremy: So far we'd learnt that if there are any joys to caravanning they certainly weren't to be had on the journey. All we'd done on the way to Dorset is crash into things, bicker, get cautioned by the police, cause a lot of jams, have a puncture, clear up some dog sick, have a noisy disgusting picnic at the side of the road and get stuck.

Jeremy:But after six hours we finally arrived at Caravancatraz.

Richard: Oh no, Jeremy it's worse... over there. That's not a sign you ever want to read on your holiday. [points to a sign that reads: "Toilet Chemical Disposal Only"]

[After Richard is "abducted" by an elderly fan in a neighbouring caravan]
James: What's Hammond doing with the dog?
Jeremy: The dog went in with him.
James: Really?
Jeremy: Him and the dog and the biggish woman are in a caravan.

James: It is amazing upholstery, I went in there and I immediately wanted a curry.

Jeremy: [peeking in the caravan after they park up] Ohh... [seeing shattered dishes on the floor] Oh no.
Richard: Ooh!
James: Oh, dear.
Richard: [laughing] Oh, my word. Wha...
[the caravan tips back as they all enter]
All: Woah!
Jeremy: Oh my God!
James: You've got to put the legs down first.
Richard: We're not brilliant at this are we?

Richard: Ow!
Jeremy: Was that your finger?
Richard: [singsong voice] There's gonna be swearing!

Jeremy: Here it is!
Richard: Wow. Star Trek!

[examining the tiny berth Jeremy has to sleep in]
James: That's not a bed, is it?
Richard: [laughing] There is no way you are gonna make it through the night!
Jeremy: I have worked my fingers to the bone for this!
James: What a reward!
Richard: You can't sleep on that, Jeremy. It's gonna go, and then you'll break your back in the middle of the night... and that'll wake everybody!
Jeremy: You two are sleeping in a double bed! I'm gonna ring "The Daily Mail" immediately!

[Richard is exploring the caravan after they are finally parked up]
Richard: What the heck! [voiceover] And then I discovered Jeremy's secret weapon. Literally.
Jeremy: Ah, yes. I brought that. [Hammond reveals what Jeremy had packed, and hands it to Jeremy] Yeah, well, you might— I thought—
Richard: That's an AK-47.
Jeremy: I know. I thought I might need it.
Richard: Why?
Jeremy: A weekend in a box with James May and I thought, what am I gonna need?
Richard: You're not a practical man, are you?

Jeremy: Can I just say guys, I've got a king sized bed at home.
Richard: I like it.
James: I like it. It's nice... it's homey.
Richard: No, I'm alright with caravanning!
[A train is heard in the distance]
Jeremy: Oh good, a train!
Richard: Nice, that's nice.
Jeremy: Listen. How often is that gonna happen all night?
James: I quite like it. It's romantic...
Richard: Don't say things like that! I'm on the same bed as you!

James: I'm gonna go off and I'm gonna find one of those ruddy-faced farmers and his organic, rosy-cheeked wife, and get some free-range eggs and... grass-fed bacon, and all that local produce.

Jeremy: How do I "Release The Excrements"?
Richard: Ohhhh... you're so on your own with that job!

[on taking a caravan holiday]
Jeremy: Why do 17% of British people want to do this? [mocking] "I know: for our holiday, let's empty our turds out ourselves."

Jeremy: [complaining about the camp site] You aren't allowed to have a fire, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to play music, you have to be in bed by eleven, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you can't have anything. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!

Jeremy: Why would anybody think this was a holiday? I mean at what point in the last eight hours have I done anything I'd call holidayish? Nothing! I've been in a car accident, I've watched James May destroy a camp-site, I've stabbed myself seven times...

Jeremy: She spent twelve thousand pounds on a caravan so she can go to a field and defecate in a bucket! I'm sorry, but when we come to power, caravanning is going to be banned, and that's it.

[Jeremy is reading a Thai cookery book, planning lunch]
Jeremy: James, you know that shop you went to this morning? Did it have any raw prawns?
James: No.
Jeremy: Coconut milk?
James: No.
Jeremy: Green curry paste?
James: No.
Jeremy: Coriander leaves? Snake beans?
James: It had some potatoes.
Jeremy: Oh, well I'd do chips then.
[he then causes a pan fire which then burns down their, and the adjoining, caravan]
Jeremy: Oh God. Uh, Richard!
Richard: What?
Jeremy: Richard, have you got a fire extinguisher?
Richard: No. Why?
Jeremy: [outside] How do you put a pan fire out?
James: Tea towel in water.
Jeremy: [inside, the cabinets are shown burning] Richard, are there any water?
Richard: No, I used it all on my hair.
Jeremy: Guys, it is no longer a pan fire, it's a van fire.

[towing away the torched wreck of their caravan]
Jeremy: All things considered, how do you think the holiday went?
Richard: ...I think "well."

[in the studio, talking about their caravan holiday]
Jeremy: Okay, you two gave it your best shot. You tried to like it. Did you?
Richard: No, absolutely not.
James: I would like it, I think, if I were on my own.
Richard: Do you seriously think you're gonna be welcomed in ANY campsite after that?

July 23rd, 2006 [8.7][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight: Is a Peugeot faster than two men? Has Lamborghini gone mad again? And can we build a whole car in 8 hours?

[During the news]
Richard: But if you think about this, the Chinese, they say they're gonna be investing ten million pounds in Longbridge, yeah? Well... that's a lot of money, if you're gonna spend it on sweets. But I've done some research on this, seriously, Mercedes spend ten million pounds on research alone... every single day! So where's that gonna go?
Jeremy: Well, exactly, no - and they end up with cars that you might want to buy. Now, I can't think of anyone I've ever met who thinks, "Yes, my life would be complete if I could buy an eleven-year-old sports car that's made in China and then nailed together by a bunch of blokes in Birmingham."
James: What you're forgetting is the, is the great affection that is felt all over the world for the traditional Blitish sports car.

Jeremy: Hey, now, talking of getting in touch, we have a number of people after last week's show got in touch to complain.
Richard: They did.
Jeremy: We had... well, I said something about a Muslim, OK? Two complaints. Remember Jesus came last week and, I talked to Him? Three complaints. We were slightly rude about caravans...
Richard: Yeah, we sort of set one on fire a bit.
Jeremy: A hundred and fifty complaints. :[Crowd laughs]
Richard: Seriously.
Jeremy: A hundred and fifty and lots of people are now demanding an apology.
Richard: They are. So erm, we really are sorry. And we promise, that we will, all three of us, never ever go caravanning again.
Jeremy: No! No, no, no! I'm sorry we didn't burn more caravans!
Richard: You're right, so am I! Yeah. That's true.

[About the Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder Convertible]
Jeremy: There are faults. The steering wheel for instance, is covered in a bath mat. And if you push the seat all the way back, as I have to, it squeaks, against the firewall. Can you hear that? Does that the whole time you're driving along. And, you can never find the seat belt. I DON'T CARE!!!
Jeremy: You can try to drive it quietly if you want to, but it's impossible, because if you accidentally stray over 3500 rpm you just get this sort of... bark, of that. [Stepping on the gas] You hear that? Quiet... Bark! AAARRR!

[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that on really warm days, he sheds his skin like a snake, and that for some reason, he's allergic to the Dutch... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

James: Yes, it's the Mercedes B-class! Keen students of the alphabet will probably have worked out already that this is one up from the A-class.

[In the Caterham race]
James: Don't hit it with a hammer!
Jeremy: Why?
James: ...because that's the tool of a pikey!

Jeremy: [voiceover] The Stig was now on the M40 and had the hammer down. I, too, had put my hammer down, and picked up a spanner! And something was bound to go wrong.

James: [voiceover] Meanwhile, down in Oxford, the Stig was revealing something new about himself... he has a bladder!

Richard: How far from Scotland is Carlisle?

Jeremy: The nipple is off, the tube is in the hole... I will be needing some pump.

[realizing he installed the driver's seat backwards in the Caterham Challenge]
Jeremy: How did I do that?

[at the Caterham challenge]
Jeremy: I am going as the crow flies. I am a Stig.

[on building the Caterham]
Jeremy: [monotone] Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Boring. Boring. [Hammond attempts to eat the manual.] Dull. Tedious. Annoying. Back-ache. Arm-ache. [Hammond continues trying to destroy the manual] Cramp. Miserable. Hate. James. May.

James: You should feel it go stiff now.
Jeremy: Pump, man! Pump! Braking happening?
Richard: Oh, yeah, that's much better. That's hard.

James: How hard can it be to build a kit car?
Richard: Well, as it turns out: very! Because all you did all the way was shout at Jeremy.
Jeremy: And all I wanted to do was stick a screwdriver in the side of his head!

Jeremy: After we'd finished, the people at Caterham put a plaque on our car, can you see that? [We see a plaque reading "Built by Top Gear"] Which has rendered this car absolutely worthless.

Jeremy: Jiggle it.
Richard: I'm jiggling like a bugger.

[While racing the Peugeot 207 against the parkour boys]
James: I'm not going to be beaten by some pre-pubescent teenagers in camouflaged trousers.

[During the news]
Jeremy: I had a family outing this week, in my Ford GT! Took my son to the Fairford Air Show in Gloucestershire.
Richard: And?
Jeremy: It's still there. [laughter] Rev limiter decided that it didn't want to let the engine rev beyond six hundred rpm. Which isn't much.

July 30th, 2006 [8.8][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Noble's difficult third album comes to our track; the art of being a white van man; and the Suzuki Liana is back with some bloke called Jenson Button!

Richard: And, then, inside, it's the usual blend of dead animal and rainforest, but with a twist!

[Richard and James are talking about the Rolls-Royce 101EX's ceiling, which has lots of little lights on that look like stars]
Jeremy: [from across the studio] That is DISGUSTING!
Richard: Oh, dear! I fear Jeremy may be heading this way with an opinion!

[on the 101EX's "bling" features, like the aforementioned pinlight headliner, the glass Spirit of Ecstasy, and the carbon fiber body details]

Jeremy: This, if they ever put it into production, and if it has all this stuff on it, will have to be called the Rolls-Royce Vulgarsonic.

Jeremy: [To Richard] I've just had a really good idea! Why don't you shut up? And why don't you tell the all the ladies and gentlemen, with your Tippex teeth, about the car that you've been driving that I haven't.

Richard: Now, the previous Noble, the M12, was a real "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" punch in the back.

Richard: If I was in a TVR, now, the indicators would be on the ceiling and the switches would be made of kryptonite and the doors would open inwards on a dodecahedral hinge. But no! If I pull up in a Noble, the door is just a door, that opens sort of... doorishly!

[on the Stig]
Richard: Some say that his first name really is "The," and that if he went on Celebrity Love Island, they'd all be pregnant, including the camera men. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jenson Button: I like to enjoy myself as we all do.
Jeremy: [interrupting] So you get a lot of sex.
Jenson: Probably more than you, Jeremy, yes.

Jeremy: Next up, James Kray.

Jeremy: Richard really did have a size problem, and his van was pretty small as well.

Jeremy: [upon seeing the size of the van James had bought] James, are you filming with us today or are you moving house?

Jeremy: Who's got the fastest van?

Jeremy: I'm no match for Hamster; look at his postage stamp go!

Richard: [voiceover] James was having problems with his illegal immigrant. So, he decided to employ him.

Jeremy: [upon being unable to break into Richard's Suzuki Super Carry] Why don't you just pick the van up and put it in your pocket?

[Hammond has just flipped his Suzuki Super Carry.]
Jeremy: So, um, I guess he could be dead!
James: Well, there's a police car at the scene of the accident, so...
Jeremy: Well, if he is dead, and you fancy a job on Top Gear, why not write to us at "I'm better than Richard Hammond was...
Richard: I may have... have overcooked that a bit.
Jeremy: ...BBC, Wood Lane, London W12 7TS!"

Series 9[edit]

January 28th, 2007 [9.1][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Jaguar's supercharged XKR vs. its twin sister; why do road-works take so long? And Jamie Oliver prepares a delicious lap in our Reasonably-Priced Car!

[Upon starting the new series]
Jeremy: Now there is actually a problem, really, because, obviously, one of us blokes has now become Princess Diana!

[referring to Richard's comeback to the studio]
Jeremy: ...and here's something I never thought I'd be saying at one point, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... Richard Hammond!

[having just made a grand entrance down a staircase, with fireworks and dancing girls]
Richard: That's the most embarrassing thing I've ever done!

[on Richard's return]
Jeremy: Anyway, listen. This is the big question. I guess everybody wants to know. Are you ready? Are you now a mental?
Richard: No!
[the audience laughs]
Richard: I'm not! I'm fixed! I'm completely fixed, and normal, and healed. Thank you. What are you doing?
James: I thought you might need these... [hands Hammond tissues] ...in case you start dribbling.
Richard: That's all I've had for four months...
James: What? Tissues?
Richard: No! People hanging around just watching, waiting for my eyes to point in different directions and for me to go bonkers. I'm fixed, I'm normal.
Jeremy: Are you the same person that you were before?
Richard: Yes! I mean, the doctors were worried, because it's brain damage, you know... personality change or whatever, but... no, the only difference between me now and me before the crash is... I like celery now and I didn't... before.
Jeremy: So you're still shouty? You're still fighty?
Richard: Yes...
James: And if I take you to the pub, are you still going to want to punch me in the face after 15 minutes?
Richard: Yes, though that's, to be honest, more [gestures to Jeremy] your personality than mine.
Jeremy: I always want to punch him in the face after 15 minutes, sometimes less.
Richard: Yeah, that's perfectly normal.

[moments before his dragster crash]
Richard: When the afterburner lights, I haven't got 5,000 horsepower: I've got 10,000 horsepower, and possibly the biggest accident you've ever seen in your life.

[getting strapped into the dragster moments before his crash]
Richard: I don't wanna be upside down!

[his first thought when the wheel of the jet car exploded]
Richard: Oh bugger! Something's gone wrong!

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he once threw a microwave oven at a tramp, and long before anyone else, he realized that Jade Goody was a racist pig-faced waste of blood and organs... [the audience applauds wildly and Jeremy pauses for a short moment]... [laughing] all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy: ...how hard can it be?
Richard: Oh, how I've missed the pang of dread every time you say the words "How hard can it be?"

[In a fish and chip shop, ordering a meal for his work crew]
Richard: Can I have cod-and-chips... seventy-five times?

[observing the approach of a storm]
Jeremy: In the immortal words of Basil Fawlty, "Oh spiffing!"

[speaking over a bull horn to the men of the D5481]
Jeremy: The Pantheon, the Pyramids, the Great Wall of China. Each a shining beacon of mans ambition and today the D5481 will join that list. We shall build this road in a day, our resurfacing work will last for a thousand years!

[on the Jaguar XKR]
Jeremy: ...while it doesn't have a shed load of power, it is still quite fast. You passed sixty miles an hour in 4.9 seconds. You passed a hundred in thirteen seconds, and that's good... but imagine how good it would be if it had more power!

February 4th, 2007 [9.2][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Hugh Grant stars in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and is the new Audi TT any good? We find out... by playing golf.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he once had a vicious knife fight with Anthea Turner, and that he is in no way implicated in the cash for honours scandal... all we know is, he's called Lord Stig!

James: This is Germany, there are procedures to go through... I like procedures.

James: It's no wonder Michael Schumacher retired, he's slower than me!

James: This is a road car, and I'm up to 404... 405, come on!

James: [after hearing it's now illegal to retune a radio while driving] I can't listen to an episode of the Archers in the car without losing my temper, and having a crash... deliberately... to end it.

Richard: Wow! A TVR band! So presumably they play really loud, really fast and then burst into flames!

[while Jeremy is speaking before the panel of experts]
James: Oh look, I found Jeremy's notes: Trousers, fat, Hitler, Teige, Mazda, Alfa, modernism, minimalism.

James: [in the museum gift shop, as a general question] Do you have like a single volume on the artistic influence of Alfa Romeo coupes?

Jeremy: You went to art school—you should be good at this.
Richard: Did you go to art school?
Jeremy: No I didn't.
Richard: Then you wouldn't know. All you do at art school is drink and pursue women.

[to Richard on speaking before the museum experts]
Jeremy: Do you know what? We've made amphibious cars, we made a convertible people carrier, I've raced you to Oslo... this is the hardest thing I have ever faced.

Jeremy: That's the inside of the Mazda... that's not Bauhaus. That's my trousers.

Museum Expert: What does it symbolize?
Jeremy: The Audi?
Museum Expert: Yes.
Jeremy: It symbolises... [pause] freedom...? [making reference to the film Braveheart] freedom...! like that.

February 11th, 2007 [9.3][edit]

Listed as the Top Gear: US Special

February 18th, 2007 [9.4][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: One small stumble for man as we build a space shuttle; I drive a nuclear bomb disguised as a Mercedes; and Simon Pegg makes a hot fuzz in our Reasonably-Priced Car.
Simon: [timidly] Help!

[Talking about Porsches vs Ferrarris]
Jeremy:... It's like David Attenborough. I respect David Attenborough, I mean just, infinite respect, in the same way I respect that car. But I have no passion for him; I don't want to make love to him.
Richard: Yeah but... [audience laughing] But I have respect and passion for the 911.
Jeremy: There you are, you just admitted on television that you wanna make love to David Attenborough.

[News about Porsche 911, continued from the earlier discussion...]
Richard: It's possibly the ultimate 911.
Jeremy: In the same way that Ebola is the ultimate tropical disease, [Pointing to the 911 roll cage] what's all that scaffolding in the back?
Richard: Well, it's a roll cage.
Jeremy: No, I'm sorry. If I see scaffolding around a building, I'll go Oh look, they haven't finished that yet. I'm sorry, I'm gonna say that's not finished.

[Still on the Porsche 911, after Hammond explained the intricacies of using it in daily life]
James: So in the real world my 1.2 litre Fiat Panda is faster to the shops.
Richard: No mate, it's just not.
James: Because I've got to put the seatbelt on once. You have got to do it six times.
Richard: OK, I've got to do that and wait whilst you put your seatbelts on and then go through all your preflight checks, and make sure all the airvents are all in the same direction. [audience laughing]

[About the BBC requiring all its employees to take a safe driving course]
Jeremy: [Reading from a paper] The BBC is committed to reducing the risks from this activity (driving). They are making it sound like masturbation.
James: Stop driving or you'll go blind.
Jeremy: Exactly!

[Reading some of the questions from the safe driving course]
Jeremy: "You have a blowout on the motorway..." - one for you here, Hammond! (referring to 9.1 where Hammond crashed)

[Reading the third (or maybe last) question from the safe driving course]
Jeremy: What's the primary hazard facing drivers when driving at night? Anybody want to hazard a guess at that? No hang on, this is [straining to hear an answer from the audience] go on, what? Dark. Anything else?
Guy in the audience: Germans!
[Audience laughs]
Jeremy: Germans.
Richard: These are all valid, valid points.
Jeremy: None of these things are on my list, anybody else got any thoughts?
Another guy in the audience: Peasants!
Both (laughing): Peasants.
Jeremy: No. It's, um, glare from other vehicles' headlamps. Cyclists in dark clothing; it's their own fault for not working hard enough, not having a car.

[To Simon Pegg in the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car interview]
Jeremy: Now, can I just move on, 'cause films, you're a bit of a buff I gather.
Simon: I am a bit.
Jeremy: Star Wars, in particular.
Simon: Yeah absolutely.
Jeremy: Did you not once write a three-and-a-half thousand word essay on why you thought C3PO was gay?
[Simon giving his explanations]
Simon: And you could argue that C3PO is a kind of emasculated homosexual. Because he's very camp, but he was safe because he didn't have a willy.
Jeremy: Homosexual men have willies.
Simon: He's sexually non-threatening.
Jeremy: Graham Norton's got a willy.
Simon: How do you know?
[Jeremy is now at a loss of words, at which point the audience laughs]

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that if you lick his chest, it tastes exactly the same as piccalilli, and that at this week's Brit awards, he was arrested for goosing Russell Brand... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[on the Brabus-tuned SL65]
Jeremy: Here we are, if you want it, with proof, that absolute power really does corrupt... absolutely.

[after the Reliant shuttle crashed and exploded]
James: That's why...
Richard: How are we going to use it again?

February 25th, 2007 [9.5][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: We try to grow our own petrol; I drive the new Lamborghini, quite badly; And cool-wall muse Kristin Scott Thomas is in our Reasonably-Priced Car!

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he sucks the moisture from ducks, and that his crash helmet is modelled on Britney Spears' head... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[in response to Richard pulling the "Top Gear Production Office"; a prefabricated building with no wheels in the tractor drag race]
Jeremy: Again, good effort. But, to my mind, still lacking... ambition!
[Camera cuts to show Jeremy's tractor, pulling the modified Boeing 747-236B used in Casino Royale while Kasabian's 'The Doberman' plays in the background]

[the trio debate Clarkson's haircut]
James: I had mine cut last week and you said having a hair cut on the studio day was "gay".
Jeremy: I said you should spend more than four pounds on a hair cut James, that's what I actually said.
James: So why didn't you?
Jeremy: SHUT UP!

Jeremy: ...and it has air conditioning, unlike the ones in Lambos of old, isn't like being coughed on. By a mouse. [imitates mouse coughing]

Jeremy: [chasing May with a pitchfork] May! You're gonna die! I'm gonna feed you into your own machine!

[during the second tractor challenge]
Jeremy: Read it and weep! 2 minutes 57!
Richard: Jeremy... the slowest wins.
Jeremy: Rubbish!

[on James' small Fiat Panda]
James: He exploited the diminutive size of my Panda to sit there going [motions leg fondling] "ooh I'm terribly sorry".

Richard: There's only 2 knobs in it, well, 3 if you count the one who bought it.

Jeremy:[on Lamborghini Murciélago's options price list after mentioning the 'flappy paddle' gearbox was £6,000] You need a flappy paddle HEAD to spend that!

March 4th, 2007 [9.6][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: We cut some cars in half with saws; Richard smokes a horse; and who's in our Reasonably Priced Car? Oh, it's his assistant!

James: Now, you know that new law about kids under four foot five, they have to use booster seats in the car?
Jeremy: [pointing at Richard] He does.
Richard: Yes, all right. I just knew...
James: All right. People under four foot five have to use a booster seat in the car. Well, in North Yorkshire, the police say they cannot enforce that law, and d'you know why? They do not have the - [breaks up giggling] They do not have the legal - [breaks up giggling again]
Jeremy: I can't wait for this now. The legal... ?
James: Because they do not have - the legal right - to me-measure children!
Richard: Just measure them?
James: So if you see a policeman measuring your children, you think, "Quick, call the - oh."
Richard: So they'll have to do what they usually do, then, and just put up some new sort of camera by the road, to monitor children in cars and make sure they -
Jeremy: No, no, no, you can't video children. You ever been to a school sports day? You have to ask every parent there before you're allowed to take the camera out of the boot.
Richard: Well, go to your own kids' sports day, maybe they'll let you do it.

[on the impending sale of Aston Martin]
Jeremy: The leading bid at the moment is from an Egyptian consortium.
James: Carpets'll be nice.
Richard: Really, really elaborate. Really elaborate.
Jeremy: Yeah, and buying one is going to be interesting. You go down to "my brother's Abdel Martin shop".
James: [bad Egyptian accent] "For you, my friend... "
Jeremy: "... I make nice special price."
James: "Special price."

[on the Stig]
Richard: Some say he isn't machine washable, and all his potted plants are called Steve... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy: [on the 1.0L Fiat Panda he has chosen to turn into a limousine] Interestingly is the fact that this car doesn't have an engine. What you get instead is a small field mouse called Gerald And if Gerald runs round in his wheel very very quickly he'll get me from 0-60 in 18 seconds.

Richard: Oh... my God.
Jeremy: [proudly] It's a giant Panda! Never before bred in captivity.
Richard: [impressed] That is a big Panda.

[on the stretched Panda's passenger entry system]
James: It's an ingenious solution to a problem that should never have existed in the first place.

Richard: What does this do?
James: No, don't pull that - !
Jeremy: [losing control of the Alfaab] Oh my GOD WHAT'S HAPPENED?!
James: Hammond's unlocked the steering!
Richard: Sorry!
James: You're in the wrong end, you idiot!
[...]
James: You pair of utter pillocks. You've ruined my car.

[testing Hammond's stretched MG]
Jeremy: Where is the heater?
Richard: Well, that is a problem, because it - the engine, of course, is at the back, and the pipes, I - it hasn't got one!
Jeremy: You're the stupidest man I've ever met.
[on his stretched Fiat Panda]
Jeremy: I had to lop seven feet out of the middle (to make it road-legal) but it is now quite nippy, 'cause it's only eight feet longer than a bus!
Lemar: (to James May): Remember,earlier,when I was talking about circles? I mean,Harrods,I've seen it twice,I don't need to see it a third time.

[on getting shot in the genitals with a paintball gun]
James: The rules said hits on the car, not hits on the wedding vegetables.

James: Can I just ask why you shot me in the penis?

Series 10[edit]

October 7th, 2007 [10.1][edit]

[Jeremy Clarkson did not speak during the opening sequence of this episode.]

James: It's time for a question, Just where is the greatest driving road in the world? Something that has the challenging bends, the fast straights, no traffic, the spectacular views, the lot.
[Jeremy walks up to a world map]
Jeremy: [points to North America] Now it can't be there 'cause they're all doing five, [points to South America] can't be there 'cause they're all on drugs,[points to Africa] that's just full of ox, [points to Antarctica] Al Gore says that's gone so it's not likely to be down there, [points to Australia] that's full of spiders...
Richard: Jeremy!
Jeremy: [points to the Philippines] Signs here are full of gibberish, [points to mainland Asia] they're all communists, [points to the Middle East] can't go there 'cause the Americans will shoot you.
Richard: Nuh! Yes, thank you Jeremy! We obviously discussed this at length and we concluded that the best driving road in the world would probably be somewhere in continental Europe, or more precisely around here, [points to the Alps on a map of Europe] the Alps. Then we decided that the best thing to do would be to go there and see if we could find it.

[Jeremy on the VW Golf GTi W12]
Jeremy: My biggest problem with it is that I can't see the point of saying "I've got a supercar and the great thing is it looks like a Golf." That's like saying "I'm married to a supermodel and the great thing is she looks like a traffic warden."

[on the Stig.]
Jeremy: Some say that his scrotum has its own small gravity field, and that because our producer rigged a phone vote, he now has a new name. All we know is, he's called Cuddles.

[on the concept Golf GTI W12, during the Stig's lap]
Jeremy: No CD today, because predictably, the CD player doesn't work.

Jeremy: So! Top Gear top tip: Ah, if you want a slow car that looks like a Golf... get a Golf.

James: You're not seriously suggesting that the British Coast Guard drove all the way up to Watford and set fire to our chairs, are you?
Jeremy: No I'm not. I know who did this.
Richard: Who?
Jeremy: Fifth Gear.
[...]
Richard: D'you think they're a bit jealous?
Jeremy: Yeah. So please, really. Tiff, Vicki? Stop burning our things.
Richard: Yes.
Jeremy: Can I just say, the seats we used to have were from a Vauxhall Senator. So if anyone out there is watching and they have a Vauxhall Senator -
Richard: Well, hang on, you're gonna say "if you've got a Vauxhall Senator and you don't need the seats."
Jeremy: That's right. Uh, write to us at "I've got a Vauxhall Senator and I drive everywhere standing up," BBC Television, uh, London, wherever we are.

[on Top Gear's new seating]
Jeremy: I love the way James has gone into that chair as though he belongs.
James: This is the Bentley Brooklands, It's a uh, it's a two-door um, um, what's the other one called that they make?
Jeremy: [laughing] Continental, Azure, Arnage...
Richard: My, we have been off for a while, haven't we...

[on the recall of several Bentley models for wheel nuts that could come loose while the car's being driven]
Richard: Bentley say it's not a big deal? [looks mystified, shrugs] It's only one batch of nuts affected; it only affected, I've got it written down here, it only concerns the Arnage R. And the Arnage T. And the Arnage RL. And the Azure. So basically, pretty much all of the cars they make. And it's only those built between February '05... and August last year. That's a year and a half!
Jeremy: No, my favorite is, the government, OK, who actually run this recall, they say here, "If the bolts do become loose, this would in all probability be noticeable to the driver."
Richard: Yes it would.
Jeremy': "... As there would be a considerable mechanical knocking noise."
Richard: What, when a wheel comes off?
Jeremy: And sparks. And [pantomimes being in a rolling car] sky road sky road ditch.
Richard: [pantomimes driving] "Dear, I think there might be something wrong with the car!"

Richard: ...it is time to do, the Cool Wall!
[the camera reveals the fire-damaged Cool Wall]
Richard: Unfortunately, the Cool Wall was one of the major casualties in our fire, but we will persevere.
Jeremy: Yes we will, and we're going to kick off with this! [pulling a fire-damaged picture from a box]
Richard: Is it a Golf?
Jeremy: No, it looks more an Alfa...
[Jeremy approaches an audience member]
Jeremy: What do you think that is?
Man: It's an Audi.
[Jeremy closely examines the picture]
Jeremy: How empty is your life, that you are able to determine that this is an Audi from that photograph...

[From the unedited news]
James: I've seen you (Jeremy) multi-task whilst driving.
Richard: No, you can't talk about that on telly, mate.
Jeremy: That isn't in the highway code: Wank!
Richard: [Laughs] Does it say anything about wanking in your Lambo?
Jeremy: Sometimes, on long journeys, there's nothing else to do!

[From the unedited news]
Richard: Although it gives me an idea, 'cause we've got our track here; why don't we have track days, but instead of getting caught up on how fast you go round and all that, we just let people smoke while they're driving.
Jeremy: Or put their make-up on.
Richard: Or use their mobile phone. All the stuff you want to do.
Jeremy: Or eat a pie.
Richard: Yeah! Round our track.
James: Yeah! Yeah! And speed!
Jeremy: And have a wank. [Whilst making masturbation gestures] I'm going round the Hammerhead now!
Richard: Ahh, none of that's going on the telly!

Jeremy: [haltingly consulting the instruction manual of his Lamborghini Gallardo Superleggera, which is in Italian] Consola centrale con... interatore aperture sportello... rifornimento. [translating] "We are useless Italians and we haven't built this properly."

Richard: So, the cars. James?
James: NO.
Richard: I love the Porsche. But, the thing is, I still don't understand why it's 15,000 more for the RS Model.
Jeremy: I've got to say the same thing for my Lambo. I don't believe that I wouldn't have as much fun driving in a normal Gallardo.
James: Hang on. So we went on a driving holiday and all the cars were wrong?
Richard: Yes! We're back in business!
Jeremy: Top Gear: Ambitious, but rubbish! (Audience laughing) And more of that next week, see you then. Good night!

October 14th, 2007 [10.2][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James May faces trial by water. Richard Hammond faces trial by fire. And I drive a Ferrari to the moon!

[on the Audi R8's handling]
Jeremy: Driving most supercars is like trying to man-handle a cow up a back staircase. But this is like smearing honey into Keira Knightley.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he's banned from the town of Chichester, and that in a recent late-night deal, he bought a slightly dented white Fiat Uno from the Duke of Edinburgh. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

[After James tries to compare an F430 with cheese]
Jeremy: Why are you on this programme!?

[While trying to take down his mast]
James: What is it actually caught on?
Both: The security camera.

[Showing the oil drums on the back of his "Nissank"]
Jeremy: These should give me more...ummm.....ummmm.
Crew Member: Stability.
Jeremy: Yes, that.

[reacting to the English Channel challenge]
Jeremy: I'm 47 years old. I'm gonna be run down by a Korean grain carrier and minced.
Richard: Yeah. But what a day!

[As Richard's dampervan creates plumes of white smoke]
Jeremy: It is like the West Indian dope smoking team practising in the car.
[Cue to Richard, a large smile on his face]

[As his Herald sinks]
James: MAYDAY!

[Richard drops his Porsche pipe]
Richard:I've spun off in me Porsche, look at that!
Jeremy: Mine won't start properly.
Richard: No, of course it won't. It's a Porsche, persevere.
[Jeremy puts the wrong end of his pipe in his mouth]
Richard: No, what are you doing, man! No! Other way round, you - ah!
Jeremy: It's a 911 Porsche, hot bit goes at the back.
Richard: [To Jeremy] You don't look right with that, but have you noticed [clears throat] over my shoulder? [Indicates May, who looks like he's enjoying a quiet day in the smoking room of a Victorian gentlemen's club.]
[...]
James: [Using his pipe to point at Hammond] I'll tell you something...
Richard: You see? He's pointing!
James: I haven't actually got anything to tell you, but I just wanted to point at you with my pipe, like pipe smokers. [Points with his pipe at Clarkson] And I'll tell you something else.
[Clarkson burns his tongue with his pipe]
Jeremy: Oh God!
[Richard, James and audience laugh]
Jeremy: That's not gone well!
[Due to the lit tobacco on his tongue, it rather sounded like 'Dat's not gonn woll!', causing even more laughter.]
Richard: Jeremy... hold on! Jeremy...
Jeremy: 'Cube we a winit. ["'Scuse me a minute" with burning tobacco in his mouth.]
[Clarkson gets up and goes off-camera to spit out the tobacco, amid audience hilarity, then returns to his seat giggling helplessly.]
Richard: Can I - can I just get quite clear, what you just did as a grown man was light a pipe and put the wrong end of it in your mouth.
[Clarkson is still cracking up and can't answer him.]
Richard: What're you like on Bonfire Night? You bloody idiot.

[After James' Triumph Herald sank for the final time]
Richard: James' Herald was now beyond repair, fortunately, Jeremy was on hand to comfort him.
Jeremy: YOU'VE FAILED!!
[Revs engine and splashes James with water]
James: Thank you.

[After James had gone into Hammond's cabin to make tea]
Jeremy: [To James] Oi! Prescott! I'll have a bacon sandwich!

[After sinking in Hammond's campervan]
James: This is the third time I've been in this bloody sea!
Richard: Technically, it wasn't my fault.

[On their attempt to break Richard Branson's record for crossing the channel in an amphibious car]
Jeremy: Beardy, you're going down!

Richard: [voiceover] Meanwhile, back with Captain Pugwash...
James: Sod it. Right sail. [James' sail swings round and the boom hits him in the head] Oww. Bloody thing.

Coast Guard pilot over radio: Please state your intentions.
Jeremy: Our intentions are to cross the Channel faster than Beardy Branson.
Coast Guard pilot over radio: In that case, I wish you the best of luck.

Jeremy: [voiceover] Having missed all the big scary boats, we turned our attention back to Branson's record.
Jeremy: Ready? Ready... one hour, forty minutes coming up... now! [proudly] WE'VE FAILED!
Richard: Yay! We lost!

October 28th, 2007 [10.3][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James drives a Rolls-Royce. Richard drives a Bugatti Veyron. And I drive something that isn't either of those things.[Shows video of Jeremy driving a Peel P50 round the BBC Office]

Richard: Imagine if you will that you've bought a Bugatti Veyron. It's a big investment! You'd be very excited about the day it was to be arriving. So you'd imagine such a thing would be delivered, you know, on like a golden carriage on a bed of swan's feathers. It's a special moment in your life.
Jeremy: I'd want mine borne aloft by sixteen greased, naked eunuchs. That's what I'd want.
Richard: Whatever, the point is, that's the sort of thing you'd expect. It's a big moment. In Russia they do things a little bit differently. Here is one, being transported... [photo of a Veyron on the back of a grubby, industrial Russian truck] There's your Bugatti. [bad Russian accent] "I've brought your Bugatti, sir, it is here!" What, it's on a flatbed pickup!
Jeremy: [also in bad Russian accent] Great success!
Richard: That's a disappointment in your life.

[on The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he gets terrible eczema on his helmet, and that if he'd been the video ref in the World Cup rugby final, he would've seen that of course it was a try, you blind Australian half-wit! All we know is, he's called the Stig.

[On the Peel P50]
Jeremy: Built on the Isle of Man in the early 60's, the P50 was said to be almost cheaper than walking. It cost 150 pounds and did 100 miles to the gallon. It sounds perfect, then, for the roads of today.

[On the Peel P50]
Jeremy [shouting]: What I've got down here by my right leg making noise and generating quite a bit of heat is the 49cc engine from a moped! Top speed rather depends on how big you are, and actually how much you had for breakfast. But realistically, even the skinniest, shortest chap with the whitest of teeth would struggle to get past... 35?

[Whilst driving through London in the Peel P50]
Jeremy: There's something I just realised. I have to pay congestion charge in this part of London. But the camera crew in the Lexus 4x4 don't because it's a hybrid. How fair is that?! I mean, it's not like I'm creating any pollution at all! [accelerates, leaving a trail of smoke behind him]

[Talk about Lamborghini Reventón, which Jeremy insists should be pronounced Rebentón.]
Richard: Anyway, it has a 6.5L V12.
Jeremy: B12.
Richard: Yep, whatever. It can do two hun...
Jeremy: whateber.
Richard: Please stop that, it's very annoying. It can do 220 miles per..
Jeremy: bery annoying.
Richard: Leave it!!

[Ending their feature of the Reventón]
Jeremy: Couple of problems: One, they're only making twenty and only one's coming to Britain; the other thing is, eight hundred thousand pounds!
Richard: Yep, that is quite a lot...
Jeremy: Hmmn... But with this, you would get a lot of badge.
Richard: Badge? (ponders, then realizes...)... Oh! V-NO! No no no.
Jeremy: Think I got away with that. So!

Jeremy: [watching Fiona Bruce walk away from the P50] She has got quite a nice bottom. ... I said that out loud, didn't I.

November 4th, 2007 [10.4][edit]

Listed as the Top Gear: Botswana Special

November 11th, 2007 [10.5][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: The Stig tests a tube train; Richard tests a pair of shorts; and I try my hand at running!

[on the Aston Martin V8 Vantage]
Jeremy: I would rather be in this, than in Keira Knightley.
Richard: I wouldn't. (Shaking his head while the crowd laughs). I wouldn't.
[...]
James: And now the news: and this just in from Keira Knightley: She says she's disappointed but she understands.

[on The Mitsubishi i]
Richard: Now, Mitsubishi, you know Mitsubishi, makers of the Evo and all that, they've now introduced a new turbocharged, mid-engine car. Yeah, you want to see it?
Jeremy: Yeah.
Richard: Here it is... (Shows the picture of an i car). It's called the i car. No, no, hang on, because it.. it might be ugly, but at least it's.. slow.
[...]
Richard: It's also got hypo-allergenic seats...
Jeremy: What that give you eczema?
Richard: No...

[on The Mitsubishi i's deodorizing roof lining]
Jeremy: If you, um, break wind, in the car. The smells are absorbed into the roof lining.
Richard: It's deodorizing, that's what it does. So, basically, the seats absorb your eczema, and the roof lining absorbs your fart. Which is very clever, but you wouldn't want to buy one second hand now would you?

[on The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that to unlock him, you have to run your finger down his face, like this (runs his finger down the face of an audience member standing nearby), and that if he was getting divorced from Paul McCartney, he'd keep his stupid whining mouth shut! All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[after revealing Simon Cowell has beaten Gordon Ramsay for first place on the Celebrity Lap Time Board.]
Jeremy: And Gordon Ramsay has just committed suicide.
Simon: Well, to be fair to Gordon Ramsay, he's fat.

Jeremy: This has to be the most stress-free and relaxing Monday-morning rush-hour commute since the dawn of civilisation.
[cut to Richard]
Richard: OH NOT ANOTHER SET OF SODDING LIGHTS! OH BLOODY HELL! (To pedestrians) Have a nice walk! Enjoy yourself!

[on the car's loss in the race]
Richard: Can I clear something up? I don't get this. Watching the film, you get the impression that the car arrive fifteen minutes after everybody else. Now if I remember correctly when I got there, James, you were already there and had been for ages.
Jeremy: He was, and you know something else? I distinctly remember my boat blew up and I was killed!
James: Yes, and I'm pretty sure I remember going straight past Hammond with his head stuck in some railings.
Richard: That happened!
Jeremy: And you know what? London doesn't have a river, so I couldn't have done it by boat! And there you go, what Top Gear - which is a trusted, factual, award winning show - has proved is, despite what you saw in that stupid and misleading film the car was the fastest!

November 18th, 2007 [10.6][edit]

[during the opening credits.]
Jeremy: Tonight, James races a man in wellies, Richard crashes some motorhomes, and I close down Manchester Airport.

[starting the news]
James: And now the news. And I'm afraid it's very bad; Jeremy Clarkson has a cold.
Jeremy:[as he sits down] I have NOT got a cold, I've got bird flu.
[Audience laughs]
Jeremy: I have. I am now living breathing proof, soon to not be living or breathing, that it can jump species.
Richard: Wow... but hey, this means it's just one step away from humans.

[on petrol going up to a pound a litre.]
Jeremy: And it's a good job your car doesn't run on bull semen.
Richard: Well it is, yes. But why?
Jeremy: Because you know how much bull semen is?
James: Do you know? I can't remember off the top of my head.
Jeremy: 24,000 pounds a litre.
Richard: No way!

[still on petrol going up to a pound a litre...]
Jeremy: I filled my car up with petrol a couple of months ago, do you know how much that cost?
Richard: Well no...
James: 90 pounds.
Richard: ... big car, 85 pounds.
Jeremy: No! 35,000 pounds.
James: You filled it up with bull sperm you idiot!

[after explaining why he (Jeremy) paid 35,000 pounds on petrol.]
James: I reckoned you spent it on bull sperm.
Richard: Did you not notice the pump was different?
Jeremy: [laughing, with the audience laughing as well]
Richard: [imitates a bull noise]. It keeps moving! Now it's chasing me! I don't want it any more.
[audience laughs]
Jeremy: I've got bird flu. Be nice.

[on the Alfa-Romeo 159.]
James: Now, Alfa-Romeo has launched a replacement for its 156, which is called the 159.
Richard: Oh actually James, that was launched two years ago.
James: Yes it was, but we weren't paying attention.

[on the Stig.]
Jeremy: Some say that he thought Star Wars was a documentary, and that he recently pulled out of I'm A Celebrity because he is scared of trees... and Australia... and Koo Stark... and Ant... and Dec. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

Lawrence: [on the Premier League in football] We call it the Andrex Premiership because it's soft and unnecessarily expensive.
Richard: ....and in the Transit, we've got Desperate! (i.e. James May)
Richard: [on the motorhome race]: The rules were simple. 15 laps and no body contact. [cut to scene of motorhomes crashing into each other] Mind you, we had invited touring car drivers!
James: I've just seen the door of a kitchen unit on the track,and that doesn't happen at Silverstone.

November 25th, 2007 [10.7][edit]

[during the opening credits.]
Jeremy: Tonight, in a well-balanced show, James gets egg on his face, Richard runs himself over, and I powerslide the new Aston Martin DBS.

Jeremy: Have you ever wanted to buy, OK, a sports car that's got a diesel engine, top speed of 150 miles an hour, that's a high-riding 4x4 off-road car and is also a four-seater convertible?
James and Richard, in unison: No.
Jeremy: Neither have I. But Audi's made one anyway. Here it is.
Richard: What! What do you do with it?
Jeremy: I've no idea. It's called the Cross Cabriolet. Not as cross as the owner's going to be when he buys it and realized he looks like Graham Norton's plumber.

[on the Stig.]
Jeremy: Some say that he knows two facts about ducks, and both of them are wrong. And that 61 years ago he accidentally introduced Her Majesty The Queen to a Greek racialist. All we know is, I'm going to the tower now to have my head cut off, and he is called The Stig.

[pointing to the Aston Martin DB9]
Jeremy: So it's Keira Knightley... [pointing to the Aston Martin DBS] or Keira Knightley, dressed in Puff Diddley's jewellery.

[In an attempt to prove British Leyland made some good cars, James has to drive over a cobbled road with a colander full of eggs over his head]
Jeremy: He looks like a spaniel that's crashed into the back of a hen!

[when his ignition key wouldn't turn]
Jeremy: Which slovenly Midlander built this?

[At the former site of Longbridge when Jeremy opens his car door, the interior of the door stays put. All three burst out laughing]
Jeremy: I opened the door! The door's still there! It's gone back to Longbridge!
Richard: It's on strike!

[Richard's Triumph Dolomite Sprint has just failed the handbrake test, nearly running him over as it rolls freely backward down the slope]
Richard: Ah! That's not gone well.
[The Dolly Sprint crashes into the 33.3% Grade sign at the bottom of the slope]
Richard: Sorry! Sorry, that's gone badly wrong. It's gonna come - sorry!
James: [looking on with Clarkson and laughing] Having failed the handbrake test, he's knocked down the sign warning him how steep the hill is.
James: [voiceover] Still, every cloud and all that...
Richard: Very good test of how fast it goes... backwards... with the handbrake on.

[James on observing why he has more egg stains on the front of his shirt than Richard's shirt after both completing the ride comfort tests]
James: I've got more on the front - Why's that?
Richard [demonstrating the colander with his hands] Because mine was... Because I have to sit further forwards than you 'cause I'm short.
James: That's what it is.

[After Jeremy completes his ride comfort with eggs test, he wipes the egg from his hair using the driver's seat of Richard's car].
Jeremy: [voiceover] ... Except I was desperately needed to wash my hair.
Richard: Oh get off Jeremy! That's disgus...ting [Jeremy is now standing up.]
Jeremy: What I have just done is I've wiped my hair on a seat that's 30 years old and has had some Midlander's bottom on it!

[for the final test, the cars would be filled with water for the presenters to drive around the Top Gear track to test build quality].
Richard: [to the fire brigade on filling up his car with water] You could have used warm water, it's freezing! [Moments later] There's 30-odd years' worth of fag ends and fluff coming up on top!

James: Actually, it's a good point, because my dad had three of those, and none of the doors ever fell off.
Jeremy: No, it's not Rover's fault. They were built brilliantly.
Richard: In fact, I seem to remember that at the time, the SD1 was often praised for the way its... back doors... stayed on.
Jeremy: Exactly!

December 2nd, 2007 [10.8][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Compo takes me for a spin in a car from his youth. Richard tries to drive a fast car without crashing, and Lewis Hamilton faces his toughest challenge yet: The Suzuki Liana.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that when he slows down brake lights come on in his buttocks, and that if he'd been the manager of the England football squad last week, he wouldn't have been a feckless ginger gum-chewing buffoon who ruined it for all of us. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[speculating on the survey responses that led a Toyota marketing survey to imply that 28% of Europeans want their cars to make them feel ill]
Richard: That doesn't seem - "Oh, I love my Mondeo because every time I start the engine it gives me scurvy, and that's a good thing in my life!"
James: "I chose Porsche because it brings on rectal prolapse."

Lewis Hamilton: It is a bit cold in here though.
Jeremy: It is cold in here, it's sharp.
Hamilton: I'm surprised - I know you guys make a lot of money, can you afford a heater?
Jeremy: [definitively] No. Because we have all the money.

Jeremy: [singing badly] Weeeeeee're all going daahn the pub! (aping a Sham 69 song)

[On the 2007 Malaysian Grand Prix]
Jeremy: ...and you put one in on Massa, didn't you?
Hamilton: Yeah, Massa and Kimi.
Jeremy: Was Kimi drunk?
Hamilton: I dunno - I should have asked him, actually, because he was really on the left - this was Malaysia and he was really on the left, so I could outbrake him.
Jeremy: [singing in slurred Finnish accent] "I win this race and then I go down pu-ub... Who pass me? Oh, that's that new boy gone past..."

Hamilton: It is actually quite exciting when you're flying headfirst into a barrier - the initial part, the initial part is actually quite fun, especially when you hit the gravel trap and you get some air, and then you see it coming and you think 'erk - it's gonna hurt!'

[During Hamilton's lap]
Hamilton: C'mon man! [looking at the speedo] 56 miles an hour, what the...?

[During Hamilton's lap]
Hamilton: Look at the grip... This thing will put a Formula 1 car to shame!
Jeremy: It won't! It won't, it won't, it won't!

[During Hamilton's lap, Lewis begins to sing]
Jeremy: Are you taking this seriously?

December 9th, 2007 [10.9][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: We take part in our first ever motor race. James tests the new Fiat 500 near some youths on bicycles. And the Ascari A10. Just how fast is this thing?

[on the BMW 330d they bought to convert it into a racing car]
Richard: This is the car we enrolled. It's a BMW 330d, four years old, done 45.000 miles, we paid 11 grand for it. And now, we must turn it into a racing car by [he pauses, then continues uncertainly] ...bolting lots of racing car bits to it.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he once lost a canoe on a beach in the north-east, and that he once did some time in a prison in Canterbury, because his teddy is called The Baby Jesus. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

[on the qualifying]
Jeremy: What if I have to get out of somebody's way to let him go by...
Richard: ...I don't know, I don't know...
Jeremy: This is without any question or shadow of doubt the scariest thing I've ever done.
Richard: Yes...
James: I've broken my zip.
Richard [irritated]: That's bad?

[two hours before the race is scheduled to start, James comes up to Jeremy and Richard]
James: Whatever you do, don't do downstairs and look at the car. It's got no front end. No lights, no radiator, no bumper, no splitter, no front of the engine, no bonnet. That fuel pump thing is right in the bowels of the thing. They've got the whole front off. It's like trying to repair something in France from this end of the Channel Tunnel.
[Jeremy and Richard come downstairs to the garage]
Jeremy: James will be exaggerating... [sees the car] James isn't exaggerating. [we see the car, which has indeed got no front end] And it's leaking. I watch Formula One a lot, and I've never seen a Formula One car, two hours before a race, looking like that.

[on the qualifying in the night]
Richard: [voiceover] Then it was Jeremy's turn.
Jeremy: Holy cow, I can't see a thing...
Richard: [voiceover] He tried to cure the lack of visibility with speed.
Jeremy: I just took Bridge Corner flat, first time I...oh, I'm off! People behind me must be thinking, "Who is this clown?"

[When Jeremy attempts to talk with The Stig after the car broke down]
Jeremy: Did it fill with smoke? Did it lose power?

[When James May was in the car for the first time]
Jeremy: The Christian motorist is in the hot seat.
Jeremy: [voiceover] A few minutes later, something amazing happened.
James: I've overtaken someone!

[During the night in the race, Jeremy is in the driver's seat]
Jeremy: I'm coming up behind those Italians in the 1 Series! Look at this, it's neck on neck...now he's come across my nose! We saved you from the Germans, and that's what I get?!
Richard: [talking into his radio] Don't wreck the car!

[while The Stig is at the wheel]
Jeremy: ...and even though the missing splitter was ruining the handling, nothing was gonna stop him - nothing!
Richard: Right now, at this very moment, the computers tell us The Stig is having a wee in the car - and I'm next... [grins nervously]

James: [before the Fiat 500 vs. BMX race in Budapest, James talks about his competition, a pair of BMX cyclists] These wasters just ride around all day like those kids in the ET film. So to borrow the phrase from the ancient philosopher Clarksonius, 4th Century BC: "How hard can it be?"

James: [after losing to the cyclists at Budapest] Oh, cock! In Hungarian.

[at the end of the race, back in the hangar]
Richard: Can I just say, that was the hardest thing we've ever done - being nice to each other for 24 hours.
Jeremy: Well, you know when you pulled up in the pits and you said "Good luck, mate", I nearly crashed!
Richard: Ooh, I felt dirty saying it, mate; it was wrong.
Jeremy: Still, we ended up coming third in our class...
James: ...out of five...
Jeremy: ...out of five, yes, and we finished 39th out of 46, [turning to James] partly actually because you drove so slowly!
James: Ooh, now, come on a minute...
Richard: Actually, hang on, you risked us not finishing at all by driving like an idiot in that last stint...
Jeremy: No, but wait, we would have finished 10th, mathematical certainty, if you hadn't hit that Mosler! We would have been 10th!
Richard: You said it wasn't my fault...
Jeremy: I was being nice, I didn't mean it...
James: Hey, this is more like it, isn't it? Normal service is being resumed!

December 23, 2007 [10.10][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: The great, the good and the rubbish on the Top Gear Awards. We go on a motoring holiday with The Stig. And Doctor Who travels through space and time a bit more slowly than usual.
David: [shouting during his speed lap] Speed up!

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that as we speak he is actually relaxing in the resort pool, and he is, he is actually.

[on the Stig]
Richard: Now for this race, I shall pilot the little remote control car, because to get the best out of the G-Wiz for this test, it needs to be controlled by our finest driver: someone who has never sat on Santa's knee; someone who's never watched Moonraker on Boxing Day. [Which was indeed shown three days later on Boxing day by the BBC's main rivals ITV]

[on the old Jaguar S-Type]
James: You see, Mr. Jonathan Foreigner has this ridiculously outdated view of what Britain is. He thinks we all live in Anne Hathaway's cottage and then go out to Ye Olde Tea Rooms where we eat some Kendal mint cake. And then maybe we'll go out and find a red phone box and ring up some Beefeaters at the Tower of London to see if we can have our bowler hats back. It's rubbish!

[Nominees for the 'Lifetime Achievement Award']
James: Ken Livingstone for deciding that if you earn a living and pay tax and spend some of what's left on a car; and then pay Value Added Tax on that, and then buy some Road Fund Licence Tax to put the car on the road, and then pay Fuel Duty Tax on the fuel and Value added tax on that Fuel Duty tax, You should then pay 25 pounds - TAX! - to drive into the centre of the capital.

[David Tennant looking in the wing mirror on his power lap]
Tennant: Why am I looking in the wing mirror? There's no one behind me!

[On David Tennant's inability to find third gear on his lap]
Jeremy: Do you know where third gear was after that? It was all over the track.

[David Tennant has challenged Billie Piper's time on the leaderboard, which was allowed to stand despite her cutting a corner]]
Jeremy: [to Tennant] If you'd worn a see through top you'd have been faster than Simon Cowell.

[whilst watching the M3 do a lap]
Jeremy: M3 drivers have no friends.

[At the end of the episode]
Jeremy: That's it for this programme and indeed this series. We're off now to get very drunk. Goodnight!

Series 11[edit]

June 22nd, 2008 [11.1][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Can an Austin Allegro fly? Can we solve the fuel crisis? And making a better police car: How hard can it be?

James: We had a letter from the BBC, and they said what with petrol being £5.50 and all the rest of it, what we should actually be doing is giving some advice on... fuel economy and... saving money!
Richard: Yeah. Unfortunately, that letter was opened, by him. [points at Clarkson]
Jeremy: Yes. And I decided the best thing we could do was gather five supercars together and have a race!

[on the sound of the McLaren's engine]
Jeremy: That is the sound of money exploding!

[on the Audi R8]
Jeremy: So, a Top Gear Top Tip: if you've been affected by the fuel crisis, this is the supercar to buy!

Richard: Yes, but the thing is the BBC saw that film and they said we'd been stupid. And they said we had to do something for...the normal person. And, well, [points at Clarkson] it was 'im again...

[Jeremy has suggested that they steal a fuel tanker]
Jeremy: Put it in here, Google Earth'll never spot it. Honestly, 'cause if you think about it, 50,000 litres... [gets out a calculator and starts figuring]
Richard: That's a lot.
Jeremy: ... of fuel, OK... That would be enough to get your Mustang... [continues calculating] ... home!
Richard: Brilliant! Well, to Guildford.

James: There's a very good sign near where I live, actually, that says "Changed Priorities Ahead". And it's absolutely right, 'cause I was driving down there the other day and I thought to myself, "I'll work harder and pay my mortgage off and be secure in my old age," and then I went past the sign and after another 10 or 20 yards I thought, "No, I'm gonna go to the pub."

Jeremy: No, seriously, if you go to Korea, don't order a cauliflower cheese, because it won't be what you think.

[on the Hyundai Genesis]
Jeremy: Anyway, this is called the Genesis, all right? Which probably means that in a couple of years the front'll leave and Phil Collins'll move in there instead.
James: No, actually, strictly speaking, Phil Collins will come round from the back to take place at the front.
Jeremy: Oh, leaving Chester Thompson at the back.
James: Yeah, exactly, and then occasionally Phil Collins will have to go back to the back with Chester Thompson...
Jeremy: Yes.
Richard: I don't know what you two are saying now.
Jeremy: No, it's got a V6 engine, 3.8 litres, and in between the bank you've got a 25-minute keyboard solo.
Richard: [looking baffled] You're using words but it means nothing.
Jeremy: Would you rather it were called the Hyundai Westlife?
Richard: Yeah, all right. Thank you.
Jeremy: The Hyundai Girls Aloud, Hammond Edition.

[after Richard has compared the Tata Nano to Pikachu]
Jeremy: Is that a punkawallah?
Richard: Pokémon.
Jeremy: I meant that.

[During the news]
Jeremy: Listen, while we were off the air, okay, I had a look on the Internet and this was on it.
Richard: Whoa! Bird's view...(inarticulate noise)
[crowd laughs]

James: Hey, great news!
Jeremy: What?
James: The Dacia Sandero is almost here.
Jeremy: When?
James: Next year!
Jeremy: Great! [quickly] Now, the Toyota Urban Cruiser.

[On the Toyota Urban Cruiser]
Jeremy: That is the stupidest name I've ever heard of. 'Cause forgive me if I'm wrong, but isn't an urban cruiser someone who wears a mac and isn't allowed within 200 yards of a primary school?
Richard: They may not have thought that through.
Jeremy: They haven't. I mean, that's not going to work as a school run car if the police arrest it every time it goes near the gate.

[On the Ferrari F430 Scuderia]
Jeremy: I'm doing this road test all wrong, cause I'm mocking all this technology. And that's not really fair. It's not like Ferrari aftershave...this is what a Ferrari should be like. [Thick Italian accent] "You make mistake, I kill."

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that after making love, he bites the head off his partner. And that he's had to give up binge drinking now that it's gone to one pound eighteen to a litre. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[During Top Gear Stuntman's first record attempt to jump cars in reverse]
James: If you've just tuned in, you may be thinking, 'Oh no, he's facing the wrong way!'. But no, he is about to enter the history books...in reverse.

[Jeremy and James laughing at Richard Hammond's Suzuki Vitara]
Jeremy: Officer Barbie has arrived!

Richard: [voiceover] It really was time for a challenge.
Richard: We don't yet know what we've gotta do.
Jeremy: Well if it's go to Brighton and pose undercover in gay clubs you're right there already.
[James and Jeremy laugh]
Richard: ...yeah.
Jeremy: We've got a challenge here, boys.
Richard: Please don't let it have the word "Brighton" in it...

[Showing the slogan painted on his Lexus Police Car]
James: Catching crims and locking them up...in your community.

[upon Jeremy's arrival with his car's Italian-inspired police livery]
James: Oh, good God. The Carabinieri have arrived.
(N.B. Jeremy's car's paint scheme was actually based on that of the Italian State Police, not the Carabinieri - although real Polizia di Stato cars presumably don't say "IT'S THE FILTH" in reversed letters, "ECNALUBMA"-style, on the bonnets.)

[reading his police slogan]
Jeremy: "In jail no one can hear you scream" - scary.

James: All you're going to do with this [indicates Jeremy's rear-wheel spike attachments] is generate headlines: "POLICE CHOP MORE PEOPLE'S FEET OFF".

[During the Police Car challenge, on sirens]
Jeremy: [voiceover] James then demonstrated his siren... [James' Lexus plays "Camptown Races" in a cheesy electronic voice]...which he'd got from an ice-cream van.
Jeremy: They're gonna be really impressed with that on an American police video.
James: No, they stop for an ice-cream. And then they're nicked.
Jeremy: May I? [voiceover] Mine was much more high-tech. [Shows Clarkson pressing button on child's sound toy, the car moos] Oh, wait, no, that's the cow.

[upon Richard's arrival]
Jeremy: The Pet Cop Boys are here. No, wait. [reads Richard's car-door graphic] The Police.
Richard: Yeah, well, the police are coming... [indicates door] "The Police".
Jeremy: De do do do, de da da da.

[During the Police Car challenge, about Hammond's 'stinger']
Jeremy: [voiceover] It was unmistakably a doormat with some nails in it.

[[as the Stig begins a lap in a standard-issue police Astra]
James: He's proceeding! In a westerly direction.

James: Hope you like prison food, crims... looking good... cock!

Jeremy: What is it? "Ambitious, but rubbish."

Richard: So we're now watching James, in a hot pursuit situation?
Jeremy: Yeah. How long have you got before you have to go home tonight?

[During the 'Arrest the Stig' part of the Police Car challenge, after May's paint attempt]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Sadly there was one invention James hadn't considered.
[shows the Stig using his windscreen wipers to clear the paint off]

Jeremy: I'm gonna try something the Americans call pitting. If I put my car along his rear wheel and push his back end out, he counter-steers, I then brake... and of course, it shoots the other way.
[The Stig pulls smoothly away from Jeremy]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Unfortunately, none of what I just said happened.

[On Jeremy's attempt to disable Stig's car]
Richard: I presume at some point there's gonna be a simply hideous accident.
James: Yep.

[Upon Jeremy's car losing a wheel in said attempt]
Richard: I think it could be time to admit failure.
James:[To Jeremy] You failed to apprehend the miscreant.
Jeremy: We are rubbish at this, aren't we?

Alan Carr: Looks slow, is faster. I'll put that on my gravestone.

June 29th, 2008 [11.2][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, Audi's Dynamic Ride Control tested to the limits in the Alps; variable torque-slip transmissions given a workout on our track; and Merc's hundred and ninety mile an hour Black on the edge in Wales.

Jeremy: Tonight, and for one night only, we've accidentally made a show all about cars.

[on the Subaru Impreza WRX STi]
Jeremy: This car isn't an anorak. It's where people who make anoraks go to buy their anoraks.

[on the Mitsubishi Evo X]
Jeremy: I've had a 14-year-old set up all the computers for me, so let's see what's what.

Jeremy: In the olden days, it was very close between the Evo and the Impreza, it was like Chelsea and Manchester United, but uh... but now, with these new models, it's like Chelsea and... [laughs]] I don't know enough about football. Um... what team plays in red? That isn't as good as Chelsea?
Cameraman: [offscreen] Nottingham Forest.
Jeremy: Nottingham... Nottingham Forest. [attempts to strike knowing pose]

[on the Subaru again]
Jeremy: Let's be honest, it is uglier than a war wound; it's far too soft and wallowy; it sounds like it's running on Mogadon; and the only reason they can sell it for twenty-five thousand pounds is because it has fewer luxuries than, I don't know, an Egyptian's lavatory.

[on the Evo X again]
Jeremy: This is not an Egyptian's khazi.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that each of his toenails are exactly the same as a woman's nipples, and that he thinks that "credit-crunch" is some kind of a breakfast cereal. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

Jeremy: Ooh, Stig seems to have got into Elton John - [realizing what he said] - not literally of course!

[in a discussion of Bluetooth "mating" that's gone horribly wrong]
James: How can you possibly know when your dashboard is having its "period"?
Jeremy: Because the satnav would lose its temper for no reason. "I SAID LEFT, YOU - "
[applause]
Richard: I think you'd find after a few years, your dashboard had been faking all its connections. "I was puttin' it on."
James: With your best mate's mobile phone.

James: Aw, bad news!
Jeremy: What?
James: The Dacia Sandero, it's delayed.
Jeremy: Oh no! [quickly] Anyway, last week...

[During the news]
Jeremy: Look, [pauses] I went on the Internet this week and I found this.
[Crowd laughs]

James: Now, have you ever wondered what all that writing on the side of your tires actually means?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Honestly couldn't care less.
James: Well, don't wonder no longer!

[on the Audi RS6]
Richard: I've got three options for the ride settings: sport, dynamic, or [comfort is shown on-screen] ... "James May".

[To the skiers before the race]
Richard: [speaking French] Hit the ham!

[reading a letter of warning on the Mercedes-Benz CLK63 AMG Black]
Jeremy: "The traction control must stay on." Sounds dangerous. [he smiles broadly]

[on the Mercedes Benz CLK63 AMG Black]
Jeremy: If it had a tongue, it would go around licking windows.

July 6th, 2008 [11.3][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, how much passion can you get for a thousand pounds?; how much soul can you get for a thousand pounds?; and how much pain can you get for a thousand pounds?

[At the beginning of the news]
James: At first I want to say a couple more things about that Bentley. See, you said there it was like a slab of old England.
Jeremy: Yes.
James: But Bentley is owned by VW, that car was styled by a Belgian and it was engineered by a man called Ulrich Eichhorn. Doesn't sound very British.
Jeremy: Are you presenting Top Gear or are you writing a letter to the Daily Telegraph?
James: Well I am just saying that you know immediately that this car is German 'cause it's got too much power. They've overdone it, as usual. Like they did on their French holiday in 1939.
Jeremy: James, James, the Queen is German.
James: Yes.
Jeremy: You can't sing "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles" every time she comes on the television, do you?
James: Well, I do actually.
Richard: Yes, he does...

[During the news]
Jeremy: You can't buy that because it's a SEAT.
Richard: Well...
James: What's wrong with that?
Jeremy: It's Spanish.
James: What's wrong with that?
Jeremy: I'm bored with Spain at the moment. Fernando Alonso, he's the most successful driver there... well, he just is. Okay? Then you've got Nadal in Tennis, they've won the UEFA Championships, they've nicked our airports, they've nicked all our fish, they've nicked all our building societies, they eat the heads off prawns, they throw donkeys off tower blocks and they stab cows.
[laughter]
Richard: So that's the Spanish?
Jeremy: That is the Spanish. [to the audience] Anybody from Spain here?
Richard: Sorry.
[a faint response is heard]
Jeremy: Give me my fish back!

[on the Dacia Sandero]
James: Great news!
Jeremy: What?
James: The Da- [Everyone starts to laugh]
James: They know what it is. [Laughing continues, until James regains composure]
James: The Dacia Sandero has gone on sale in left-hand-drive market.
Jeremy: Nice. [quickly] Now, just one more thing...

[during the news, regarding the lack of female racing drivers]
Jeremy: The thing is, I know why women don't do it. It's 'cause as soon as a woman puts on a pair of racing overalls, they are immediately treated like a sex object.
Richard: Have you been on the Internet again?
Jeremy: Yes I have! [Crowd laughs] And I found this.
Richard: Oh God! [Crowd continues laughing]
[later in the same segment, discussing a recent survey on the ten sexiest female racing drivers]
Jeremy: Who do you think came tenth?
[scrolls down to reveal picture of James]

Jeremy: [On James' 2.0 litre GTV] Why didn't you get the V6?
James: It's not as good.
Jeremy: What?!
James: No, it's nose-heavy. The handling is compromised.
Jeremy: Of course, this is front-wheel drive, isn't it?
James: Yes.
Jeremy: And front-wheel drive is for the feeble.

[speculating on Richard's and James' reaction to Jeremy's upturned Alfa Romeo 75]
Jeremy: Do you think they're a) going to be sympathetic or b) be a couple of-
Richard: [shouting] Nice work!
Jeremy: No, they're going to be a couple of.

[Richard has just recovered the seats of his Alfa with Jeremy's jacket]
Richard: Recovering the seats, brilliant. I've taken...
Jeremy: Out of what?
Richard: Your jacket.
Jeremy: YOU! That is my jacket!

[During their trip to the Concours, while checking on Jeremy's Alfa Romeo 75]
Jeremy: I have been rescued (pertaining to the two women with him) and I haven't even broken down.
Richard: Well then you don't-
[James suddenly appears from the side]
James: Hello.

[Richards Alfa Romeo Spyder can be heard failing to start with him looking over at the engine]
Richard: Begin!
[Jeremy can be heard laughing while the spyders engine starts dying]
Richard: Now!

Jeremy: [voiceover] So the car that was dead had to be towed by the car that was dying.
Jeremy: Oh listen to that now.
Richard: That's a weird noise for a car to make... that's better, what have you done?
Jeremy: Gone into second.
Richard: Second's nice, it's underrated as a gear.

[On disguising the fact that Richard's car had broken down]
Jeremy: [voiceover] James agreed to tow Richard, and my car, would hide the rope.

[At Alfa Romeo concours, talking to other contestant about his polished Alfa]
Richard: As a man of God, you'd take it badly if I were to, let's say, key it.

July 13th, 2008 [11.4][edit]

[Jeremy Clarkson did not speak during the opening sequence of this episode.]

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York. And that he has a full size tattoo of his face, on his face. All we know is, he's called The Stig!

Jeremy: Now, are there any mothers here?
[A response is heard.]
Jeremy: Yes? Well, Fiat has decided you need patronising.

[on the Fiat Panda Mamy]
Jeremy: What are they going to do next, a Fiat Recently-Divorced Father? With a satnav that only goes to the zoo?
Richard: That's quite sad.
James: That's a good idea, actually, 'cause I've got a Fiat Panda, and I've also got a very young nephew and a young niece, so they could bring out the Panda Unsuitable Uncle. Which has just sort of got a very sharp kitchen knife left lying around.

[on the Dacia Sandero]
James: Great news!
Jeremy: What?
James: The Dacia Sandero; I got a new picture. [shows a picture of the Dacia Sandero]
Jeremy: Oooh... [quickly] Anyway,...

[on the Audi Q5]
Richard: Hey Audi's bought a photocopier.
Jeremy: No!
[Richard goes on explaining the Q5, saying Audi put the Q7 and set it at 75%.]
Jeremy: Have your mum and dad got a photocopier.
[James laughs followed by the audience.]
Richard: Yes.. And it was stuck at 60%
Jeremy: [mocking] 60!?
Richard: Yes, all right! Moving on...

Jeremy: [Regarding Hammond and May in Japan] Those two have got so many different connections to make, so many different modes of transport to go on. The chances of them making it without making a single mistake are nil, and if they do make a mistake, that's it.
[Cut to James and Richard]
James: See these manhole covers?
Richard: NO!
James: They're fantastic.
[Cut back to Jeremy]
Jeremy: A boy from Birmingham, and a man with no sense of direction, in Japan, won't win. The end.

[on adjusting the GT-R's Satellite Navigation system]
Jeremy: I want to adjust the scale on my satnav, but it's all in Japanese. Won't dare touch it in case it all just goes off, and then I'd be DOOMED!

Jeremy: See, the thing is about all Japanese cars —
[satnav speaks a stream of Japanese]
Jeremy: [panicked] HELP!

[on his provided Japanese snacks]
Jeremy: That is just a fish... lightly killed and then put in a bag. The marvellous thing is that Richard Hammond won't be able to enjoy any of this, because he won't eat anything unless it's come from a burger van on the A38. [Imitating Richard while chewing of a piece of fish] "I don't like cheese! It's full of bacteria and I don't like fish."
[cut to a shot of Richard and James in a small shop, looking in the cooler.]
Richard: Mate, it's all fish.
James: Yeah, it's good for you.
Richard: Don't like fish.
James: Well, you've come to the wrong country.

Jeremy: I have seen X-Factor winners less cheerful than all petrol pump attendants are in Japan.

Jeremy: [to the petrol pump attendant] Look at this.
[Jeremy puts on his Bill Oddie face-mask]
Jeremy: Brrrrr! How frightening's that? He can spot your beaver from about a mile away.

Jeremy: Speed camera coming up! [puts the Bill Oddie face-mask on and races past the camera, on the pretence that Oddie will get the speeding ticket and not him]

[while on a cable car to Nokogiri-yama]
Richard: So at the top here there is a Buddha...to road safety. Wouldn't it be brilliant if we got there and Jeremy's GT-R was buried in the middle of it?
[both begin to imitate Jeremy]
James: Watch this, I'm here.
Richard: Oh dear!
James: Bang!

[After learning that Richard and James lost]
Jeremy: Honestly, 3 minutes and 12 seconds; that was so close.
Richard: [faces Buddha] Thanks Buddha, you looked after him...[breathes hard]...disappointed...
James: Wait for it...
[Translator device then speaks]
Richard: Which is...
James: Japanese for...
Both: Oh, cock!

July 20th, 2008 [11.5][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, we completely save the countryside; James and I completely ruin London; and there be dragons in our reasonably-priced car.

[On the GT-R]
Jeremy: [voiceover] They [Nissan] haven't built a new car here... They've built a new yardstick.

[After Clarkson's Review of the GT-R]
Richard: You hopeless, old fart; a Datsun broke your neck.
Jeremy: It was already weakened, from endlessly craning down to listen to you.
James: Say, amazing rescue service they got there, isn't it? I was really pleased that someone have brought a lawn mower... [Crowd Laughs] and a bin lorry.
Jeremy: No, the dust bin lorry did put the fear of God in to me... Much like I did with them actually; when they took my sunglasses off, "Ooh, look at his eyes, disgusting!"

[on The Stig.]
Jeremy: Some say that he is not allowed, by law, within 100 yards of Lorraine Kelly, and that he's never seen an episode of Top Gear, because he's a huge fan of Midsomer Murders! All we know is, he's called Bergerac!

[During The Stig's Lap of the GT-R]
Jeremy: [voiceover] ...And he's still all over Elton John; let's hope he showers afterwards.

[During the news on Chrysler's move on installing WiFi on its production vehicles]
Jeremy: Will you be able to check your e-mails?
Richard: Yeah.
Jeremy: Will you be able to look at... (whispers) Abi Titmuss's lady garden?
(Audience Laughs)
Richard: Well, they did say it's for passengers only.
Jeremy: Then, it will be the case of 'I went on the M40 this week and found this!'
(Audience laughs as an explicit picture is shown in the TV screens)
Richard: (Bows his head in laughter, then regains composure) You had to.

[on the Dacia Sandero]
James: Oh, good news!
Jeremy: What?
James: The Dacia Sandero will have electronic brakeforce distribution.
Jeremy: Great [quickly] Now...

[on the equipment of their classic luxury cars]
Jeremy (standing in front of the Mercedes' boot): Are you ready for this?
James (bored): Yes...
Jeremy (pushes a button and the bootlid closes, makes triumphant gesture)
James: That's brilliant actually, I have to concede that, because what I've always found really difficult is this [opens and closes the bootlid of his Rolls-Royce easily].

[Describing James' Rolls-Royce Corniche]
Jeremy: All it is, is a Ford Zephyr with a chrome nose.

[Commenting on James' Rolls-Royce Corniche's top speed run]
Jeremy: Children come out of the womb faster than that!

[on the last service bills of their classic luxury cars]
James: What was yours?
Jeremy [hands his bill over to James]: Read it and weep, that's the last service bill.
James [meets him with disbelief]: Ehhh?! Fifte-.. [bursts out laughing] I misread that at first - 15 thousand...
Jeremy: Yeah, and...
James: 15,950 Pounds and 59 pence.
Jeremy: Yes, 15,900 Pounds for a service.
James: Was that...
Jeremy: There was quite a lot needed doing, if I'm honest...
James: What did he do? Buy you a Golf? [starts laughing again]

[after several failed attempts, Jeremy and James head to a multi-story to park their cars]
James: [voiceover] This was great. They take your money, however it comes and in return, you get spaces.

[Jeremy reverses into a parking space]

Jeremy: Yes! I am in, I'm parked. [he goes to open his door, but due to the width of his car, he's very close to the car next to him and can't] Ah. [he tries the other door, but can't open that either because it's too close to the wall] Oh, no! I can't-- I can't get out! [voiceover] And James couldn't get in.
James: [he's having trouble getting into another space] Doesn't fit.
Jeremy: [voiceover] Which was making everyone very cross. [other cars start honking their horns] Shut up! OK, fine! You want to have a horn race? READY, STEADY--! [he blasts his horn, which is very loud. The camera goes out to a wide aerial shot of London to emphasise the sound of the horn] Now that's a horn!
James: [voiceover] And it got us thrown out.

[On the fate of Jeremy based on the former owners of his Mercedes Grosser 600, after finding out that the former owners of his Rolls-Royce Corniche are entertainers who are homosexual or camp, specifically Elton John, Liberace and Dick Emery]
James: It is an impressive list, but, if your theory is correct, that means you're either going to murder millions of people, or, you're going to die on the bog trying to get 500 cheeseburgers out of your poo chute.
[a reference to Elvis Presley, one of the former owners of the Mercedes Grosser 600]
Jeremy: So really, it comes down to a simple choice: camp...
James: ...or camp commandant.
Jeremy: [he and the audience laugh] Exactly!

[during the Car Hunting Challenge while some people are standing on the side]
Clarkson: Hello people, would you like me to murder you? I'm an offroad enthusiast.

[After Clarkson was caught by the hunt and cues back to the studio]
Richard: Sadly, in the course of making that film, Jeremy Clarkson was eaten by dogs.

July 27th, 2008 [11.6][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, Richard spins off the track... twice; Jay Kay tries to get to number one; and Germany or Britain: which is best?

[on The Stig.]
Richard: Some say it's impossible for him to wear socks, and he can open a beer bottle with his testes! All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[on organ donation and the dangers of motorcycling]
James: I actually carry a card that says "I do not wish to help Jeremy Clarkson be amusing in the event of my death."
Jeremy: Fair enough.

[While test driving the Mitsuoka Orochi]
James: [voiceover] It costs forty-four thousand pounds and it's made by a company called Mitsuoka.
James: You've probably never heard of them either, but they are a proper, Japanese car maker. In fact, they're the tenth biggest car maker in the country, after Toyota, Nissan, Honda and six others.

[on the Dacia Sandero]
James: Hey, great news!
Jeremy: What?
James: I've been sent more information on the Dacia Sandero.
Jeremy: Excellent, excellent. [quickly] Hey, now...

[Introducing the Top Gear vs D-Motor film]
Richard: Now, there's a new TV show in Germany. It's all about cars and it's hosted by three people.
Jeremy: I can't imagine where they got that idea from! No idea! Anyway, they got in touch with us and they invited us to take them on in a series of races and challenges.
James: Now, obviously, we needed somewhere to stage this.
Jeremy: Yes. I suggested we did it in the skies over southern England!
James: In fact, we settled on Belgium, which was a country invented so that Britain and Germany would have somewhere to sort out their differences!
Richard: Yup! And, on that point, the producers told us: "Now, listen. You're representing the BBC. You can't just turn up and go on about the war."
[James grins in silence]

James: It's a gravel trap designed to stop Formula One cars. How on earth do you think it's not going to stop a Jaguar with a Metro on the roof?

James: [voiceover] With us out all we could hope was that Jeremy and Kiff the soundman would race on, cleanly and fairly.
Jeremy: Ram him! RAM!

Jeremy: James and Richard think it's all over... and they're right!

James: Who makes the fastest cars: the Axis powers or the Allies?
Richard: You came up with this one didn't you?
James: Yes!

[Moments before James commences a drag race in a G-Whiz]
James: Cock. Just remembered the Australians. They do that VXR thing...

[During the Axis vs Allies drag race]
Jeremy: I'm hoping that because the Lamborghini's Italian, it'll change sides halfway through the race.

[During the Top Gear v. Germans challenge: hatch-back test]
Jeremy: Awful lot of bullets hitting me here.
Jeremy: [voiceover] And no wonder...
Richard: James, what are you doing!?
James: Shooting at Jeremy.
Richard: But he's on our side!
James: Yeah, but why wouldn't you?
Richard: You're right, you would. Fire!

[James is watching Where Eagles Dare during the Bowler Nemesis test]
James: [German accent] Sit down, Kommandant.
Jeremy: You're not interested in these, are you?
James: D'you know what? Your mind cannot comprehend of how uninterested I am in things like this.

[Richard crashes his Bowler Nemesis]
Jeremy: [over radio] Hammond, if you don't get that thing started, [German accent] for uz, zee competition iz over!

Richard: Oh this, I'm gonna get grief for this now. This is not good.
James: [German accent] Cooler, eight weeks.

Jeremy: It's a two lap race of the Zolder circuit and it's between a Porsche 911 - the racing Porsche 911 - which will be driven by professional racing driver Tim Schrick. And he will be against an Aston Martin DBRS9, which will be driven by James May.
Richard: [quietly] Do we have to use James?
Jeremy: Well, no, you did the Bowler thing, I did the Mini thing, it's his turn.
Richard: But he's gonna lose... badly.

[Upon seeing the Stig was leading at the final corner]
Richard: Stiii- [realizing] Jaaames!

[Mocking the speculation on the Stig, after passing him off as James May]
Richard: Some say you saved our bacon.
James: Others say I was bound and gagged in the locker room.

Jeremy: If you are a German and you have any complains of the film you just seen do please feel free to write to us. Our address is: 1966 El Alamein Square, 1939-1945 Jutland Street, London W.E.1.

Series 12[edit]

November 2nd, 2008 [12.1][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. The brighter, whiter way to ruin your underpants. How much lorrying can you get for five thousand pounds? And Michael Parkinson has a go in t' reasonably priced car.

[At the beginning of Jeremy's GT2 review]
Jeremy: AAAAaaAAaaaaAAAAaaaaAAaaAAaaAaAaAaaaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
[Stops the GT2 and gets out]
Jeremy: [voiceover] And that concludes my road test of the GT2. It's terrifying.

Richard: How could you not like the GT2, you great fat balding useless hopeless bandy-legged bubble-haired pointless talentless gutless cowardly witless lump of suede-shoe-wearing daft-jean-wearing idiocy?
Jeremy: [pause] I knew you were gonna say that...
Richard: What, all of it?

[starting the news]
James: Right, the news. And of course we've been off the air for a while...
Richard: [walking on] God, he is such a child.
James: Yeah, where is he anyway?
Richard: I don't know; in the audience somewhere flicking people's ears and blaming the people next...
Jeremy: [from in the crowd] Excuse me... excuse me...
[Jeremy appears wearing a silk shirt]
[Audience applauds but Jeremy feigns ignorance]
Richard: You ah, you wearing that for a bet?
Jeremy: Yeah. Aaah, anyway...

[During the news, mocking last series' news joke.]
Jeremy: James, bad news. The Dacia Sandero...
James: The what?
Jeremy: The Dacia Sandero is not coming to the UK!
James: Oh. Now...

[on a Citroën camper conversion]
Jeremy: And it only has one bed!
James: Well, he's not going to have a friend, is he.

[on The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he sleeps inside out, and that he once had full sex with Russell Brand's answering machine. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[commentating on The Stig's Power Lap in the Lamborghini]
Jeremy: He appears to have started to listening to Morse code. Very strange, or maybe it's him making that noise.
The Stig: [in Morse code] Strictly is crap.
[...]
The Stig: [in Morse code] I love cheese.

[During the truck challenge, showing their 'knowledge' of their trucks]
James: So what have you got?
Jeremy: A lorry!
James: But what kind?
Jeremy: ...A big one!

[Also during the truck challenge]
Richard: I have bought this!
Jeremy: What is it?
Richard: It's an, well it's an... Erf!

[Reading the first challenge]
Jeremy: In less developed countries such as Australia and America, people like to personalise their vehicles. You must now do the same.
Jeremy: [Looking at his lorry] I'm gonna need a hell of a lot of paint...

Jeremy: [Reading the second challenge card] You must now demonstrate your lorry-driving skills by powersliding your trucks around... well, presumably it's that skid pan.
James: What's the point? You can't powerslide lorries anyway.
Richard: Technically, you can't powerslide anything.
Jeremy: [Continuing to read from the card] To prove that it's possible, you will now watch a demonstration by our tame racing driver.

[on The Stig's "Lorry-driving cousin"]
Jeremy: Some say his favourite all-time tune is Forever Autumn by Justin Hayward, and that he has the world's largest collection of pornographical material. All we know is, he's not The Stig, but he is The Stig's lorry-driving cousin!

[After injuring himself falling off of the seat of his lorry during the Powerslide challenge]
Jeremy: [to the paramedic] Yeah, the gear lever's gone up my arse.
Paramedic: Right, okay.
James: [voiceover] After the gear lever had been removed from Jeremy's bottom...

[During the lorry race]
James: Does understeer, this lorry.

Jeremy: I absolutely hope that James May wakes up in the morning and ten thousand insects are in his underpants!

[After Jeremy pulls up to May and Hammond with his lorry trailer on fire]
Richard: How can we be this rubbish?

[During the lorrying speed test]
Jeremy: Eat my Magnum!... Yeah!

Jeremy: Change gear, change gear, mirrors, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, change gear, murder. That's a lot of effort in one day.

Jeremy: [Reading challenge card] It says that this is a test of speed, braking and toughness all in one. You must accelerate to 56 miles an hour, drive through an obstacle and stop as quickly as possible. It says whoever does that in the shortest distance wins a year's supply of pies.
Richard: What do they mean by "obstacles"?
Jeremy: Doesn't say.
[pause]
James: What sort of pies?

November 9th, 2008 [12.2][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: On tonight's holiday programme we go to San Francisco in California. We have a night out in Reno, Nevada. And we end up on the salt flats of Bonneville.

[During Abarth review.]
Jeremy: [VO] ... And if you drive it with the bonnet up it won't work at all.
[Shows Jeremy driving it with the Abarth's bonnet up]
Jeremy: I CAN'T SEE WHERE I'M GOING!

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he invented November. And that if he had won the World Championship in Brazil last weekend, there might have been one photograph of him without his father, gurning in the back of shot. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[describing The Stig's lap in the Abarth]
Jeremy: Stig still listening to Morse code, better than static I suppose ... maybe he's signalling to his home planet.
The Stig: [in Morse code] I voted Ross Perot.
The Stig: [in Morse code] Me smell cats.

[during the news, May is wearing a leather jacket]
Jeremy: [point at May] Are you wearing that for a bet?
Richard: Yeah, he is.
James: Yeah.
Jeremy: He is, ah okay.

[during the news]
James: And there's more fast small car news from Renault with this, which is the Mégane R26.R. And I think that looks really great as well.
Richard: Yeah, yeah, I saw that and thought o' you straight away mate. No, I thought what that James May is gonna want is a hatchback with red wheels, six point harnesses, a carbon-fibre bonnet, plastic windows. That's...
Jeremy: It is. And James, it's French, who you like to think of as "lamb-burning communists". It's perfect for you in every way!
Richard: How did you arrive at wanting that?
James: Because I like it.
Jeremy: Look, James, let me put it to you this way: you would have to have literally no penis at all to buy a car like that.
James: [looks down at crotch] How do you work that out?
Jeremy: Well 'cause we're always being told that the... flashness of your car is inversely proportionate to the size—is this right? Am I talking sense here girls?—So the larger the man's car, the flasher it is, the vegetable... thing goes on?
James: Is that right? And you're saying that to a man with a 1.2 litre Fiat Panda? [audience laughs] Mister swollen-wheel-arches Mercedes CLK Black.
Richard: He does have a point there. He does...
Jeremy: You've got a Ford Mustang!
Richard: Let's move on!

[during the news]
Jeremy: Next year, this is the good thing about Formula One — it's coming home, as we like to think about it — TO THE BBC!
[audience cheers]
Jeremy: No adverts! The only problem we got is that there are some people speculating that the, the person who's going to get the commentary job — who's going to be the modern-day Murray Walker — is Richard Hammond.
Richard: I've seen that in the papers. It came as a surprise!
Jeremy: A man who has... he's never watched a Formula One race in his life.
Richard: Err... no, actually!
Jeremy: You weren't even watching last weekend!
Richard: No, I was driving home.
Jeremy: Did you look around and think god the traffic's quiet tonight?
Richard: I did get a clear run, I must admit!
Jeremy: If he got the job, it really would be And they're off! And look at that idiot in the Mercedes SL! He's holding them up! No Richard, that's the parade lap.
Richard: [playing along] Wow, there's a red one in the lead, he's pulled in, what? For petrol? Well why didn't he just fill up before he left? I freely admit I wouldn't be very good at that.
Jeremy: He would be the worst person in the world for that job.
James: [looking sheepish] Well... not absolutely...

[Introducing the main segment]
James: What we have down here is a selection of American muscle cars. Now the recipe for this for this sort of thing was always very simple: massive engine; crude, simple suspension; very low price; and finally, [gesturing to a Dodge Challenger] some orange paint. Now, this sort of thing never really caught on in the civilised world and we thought that what with petrol prices being so high now, they'd have died out in America as well.
Richard: However, in the last few months three brand-new American muscle cars have arrived. So we thought we best pop over to the states and find out if they're any good.
Jeremy: Unfortunately, there was a problem. You see, we all have visas which allow us to go to America and make a factual documentary. But, since our last trip over there when I might have accidentally put a cow on the roof of my car, the American — the U.S. state department no less — has decided Top Gear is actually now an entertainment show.
James: And unfortunately that requires a different type of visa and we didn't have time to go and get one. So, in the end we were only allowed in to the country if we promised — this isn't a lie is it?
Jeremy: No, this is absolutely, hand on heart...
Richard: This is for real.
James: — if we promised not to be entertaining.

Jeremy: Now listen you two: no irony, no hyperbole, no sarcasm and don't put a cow on your roof!
Richard: Can I crash into James every time we stop?
Jeremy: No.
Richard: Just a tiny
Jeremy: No!
[they set off]
Jeremy: If Hammond drives into May's car, Bruce Willis will come in a State Department gunship and we shall all be killed!

[During muscle car roadtrip, asking Richard about the features of his Dodge Challenger.]
Jeremy: Let me put it this way – this is like a body builder, right? Hugely impressive, but when you take it's trunks down it's Hello Mr Squir—
[On screen: To keep the US State Department happy this is censored.]
Richard: What d'you mean, you put it in a melon?

Jeremy (narrating): James, meanwhile, wasn't even enjoying the excellent music on the local radio station.
[The radio is playing "Jessica" by the Allman Brothers (AKA The "Top Gear" theme).]
James: (pointing to the radio) I wasn't expecting to hear that.
[Cut to Jeremy driving and also hearing the theme.]
Jeremy: On tonight's programme... (laughs)

Richard: Now, tonight, we're trying to get three fast cars from San Francisco to the Speed Week Drag Races at the Bonneville Salt Flats. Usual range of problems: we've got visas which allow us to be factual, not entertaining; Jeremy has met a policeman; and James hates his car. We rejoin the action at Reno, which is, factually speaking, a toilet.

[On the Bonneville Salt Flats, talking about drivers who become obsessed with getting a record time]
Jeremy: [Narrating] Keen to become one of those speed freaks, I was up extremely early.
[The camera cuts to Jeremy behind the wheel]
Jeremy: Now, as we know, practice makes perfect. So, I'm gonna get some practice now, before the course opens... in the 'Bago.
[The RV is show pulling away from the cars, with various unsecured items falling off of tables.]
James: [off-screen] Clarkson!!
Jeremy: [trying to sound innocent] What?
James: I know it's you!
Richard: [in bed, groggily] What're you doing?
Jeremy: We're up to 40 miles an hour in the 'Bago. It's James, come on!
Richard: [nearly falling off of the bed] I was asleep!
Jeremy: Where's May?
James: Back here on the throne! Clarkson, it's not funny! [Jeremy starts laughing]
Richard: AHH! [he throws a pillow off-screen at Jeremy]
[Jeremy parks the Winnebago as James steps out of the bathroom.]
James: Clarkson, you infantile pillock! [Jeremy laughs] You're tidying that up! [Jeremy laughs harder]

November 16th, 2008 [12.3][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. James goes racing in Finland. Richard tries out the future of motoring in Japan. And I cut up some wood near Godalming.

[During the news]
Jeremy: Great news! They've done an off-road version of the Dacia Sandero! [photo appears on TV screen] Don't be fooled by the Renault badge; that's the Dacia, that baby!
James: What the hell are you on about?
Jeremy: It's Dacia!... :[audience member says something, Jeremy speaks to him] It's a Dacia! I know it says Renault, I just said that! Have you got a beard in your ears as well? Or is... :[audience member replies] Why do ginger people always grow more of it on their faces? That's what I want to know.

[during the news]
Jeremy: That jacket... how big was the bet?
Richard: Pretty big.

[James is taking part in a folk race in Finland]
James: Have a Scandinavian flick, Finnish person!

[On discussing the V8 Beef and Brick smoothie Jeremy just put together with a 6.2litre V8 powered food blender]
Jeremy: It needs a name.
Richard: We should give it a name. We should call it... Desperate Shag in a Skip.
[James drinks some of the smoothie, and immediately looks disgusted]
Jeremy: I think he likes it!
James: I've got the name for it.
Jeremy: What?
James: The Bloody Awful!
Jeremy: [to Richard] Have you tried some?
Richard: Yeah.
Jeremy: You haven't! Show me putting it in your mouth. [Richard drinks some, and also reacts with disgust] That will put testes on your chest, that will.
Richard: [shouting] It's put hairs on my eyeballs!
Jeremy: I'm not sure this works! [they all laugh] Look, I'm not giving up on this V8 idea, okay. Next week... old people.
Richard: You can't blend old people!
Jeremy: No! You know the Stannah stairlift? Very slow. How about a V8 Stannah stairlift? The old lady, she'll be on the bog in half a second.

[The three are driving a Renault Avantime around the track]
Jeremy: So, this is six years old and everything works — which is odd because most Renaults...
Richard: ...six minutes!

Jeremy: Why don't we just put nitrous on it?
Richard: Do you remember what happened to the first Stig?
Jeremy: Fell off an aircraft carrier.
Richard: Because?
Jeremy: [glances at The Stig] ...yeah, we used nitrous...

[A plywood splitter they fitted to the Avantime is on fire]
Jeremy: Hey, wait a minute. This is something I've wanted to do—I've worked in television for twenty years now, never had the chance yet—
James: Back to the studio.
Jeremy: Hey that's my line! That's what I wanted to say! May! May, you [bleep]-head! [chases after James]
[Richard uses a fire extinguisher on the burning splitter]
Richard: Yup. What I thought I'd do is put the fire out, and then say...
Jeremy: [behind Richard] Back to the studio!

[The Stig is driving their modified Avantime around the track]
Jeremy: Look at that! It looks like a touring car! A French, plastic touring car, but a touring car none the less!

November 23rd, 2008 [12.4][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. We have a race to Blackpool. The new Lamborghini comes to our studio. And at last, the Bugatti Veyron is on our track.

[Starting up the show]
Jeremy: Now, every week either Richard or I drive a preposterously fast car around our track. But when it came to making this week's film, there was a problem: neither one of us was available. I had hurt my neck in the lorry crash, and Richard was busy selling fish at Morrison's. Which meant that for the first time ever, Captain Slow went out there... God help us...

[Describing the Zonda Roadster F]
James: That is the Zonda F Roadster. [voiceover] And in the already insane world of Pagani, this one has its own special padded cell.

[During the track test of the Zonda Roadster F]
James: The acceleration is so brutal! I think my eyes have moved around the side of my head like a pigeon.

[After a few spin offs]
James: [voiceover] With a little practise, I got the hang of it.
[Cut to The Stig wearing James' jumper driving the Zonda]

James: [voiceover] I think I know what to do at this point...
[mimicking Jeremy's catchphrase]
James: POWEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

[After testing the Zonda Roadster F]
James: Now the office say they have another car to try on the track but I shouldn't worry because it's only a VW. [Looks in the distance] Funny.
[Cuts to the Veyron]

[Standing in front of the Bugatti and Zonda]
James: Now, I believe the done thing at this point is to have a drag race. So if nobody objects, we'll have one... [pauses] with these two. I will be in the Zonda, and the Veyron will be driven by the Stig... who wasn't here earlier.

[After Jeremy has shown him clips of his practise in the Zonda]
James: I know what the problem is: it's my hair. [Jeremy scoffs] No, really. When you get up to speed my hair flaps about and gets in the way. When I put that white helmet on, it was much better!

[during the news]
Richard: Jeremy?
Jeremy: Yeah?
Richard: The slippers?
Jeremy: Yeah?
Richard: Are they a bet?
Jeremy: Oh course they're a bet.

[During Pagani Zonda Lap.]
Jeremy: This car can be vicious, but in an amusing way, like a shark in a funny hat.

[during the news]
James: Oh! Big news!
Jeremy: Is it the Dacia Sandero?
James: [confused] ...No, erm...

[Discussing the Vauxhall Insignia's hard seats]
Richard: Actually, you can't criticise those, because a German panel of seat experts...
Jeremy: [interrupts] A what?
Richard: There's a German panel of seat experts.
Jeremy: And I've invited them all to your house for Christmas.
Richard: Oh God! Where would you put them, have a sea... no stand up.

[during the news]
Jeremy: Can anyone think of one thing, in the world, which is better hard, than soft?
Richard: Oh, that's quite awkward actually there Jeremy.
Jeremy: [to a man in the audience] What?
Man: [faintly]: Ice.
Jeremy: Ice.
[audience laughs and applauds]
James: Ice?
Richard: He got us out of it.
Jeremy: Yeah, well thanks for getting us out of that one mate.

[introducing the one-tank Basel to Blackpool race]
Jeremy: That's 750 miles of careful driving. That's not a race, that's my idea of hell!
James: It's my idea of heaven.

[Harry Enfield in his "Clarkson Island" comedy sketch]
Enfield [as Clarkson]: [mimicking Jeremy's habit of pausing] Hello, I'm, on an Island, and not just, any Island, Because this Island, is Clarkson island, and Unlike any other island, Clarkson island, has the greatest number of Clarksons... In the world!
Paul Whitehouse [as Clarkson]: In fact Clarkson Island, standing, 248 Clarksons, per square mile.
[later in the sketch, "Clarkson" visits a farmer who farms Clarksons]'
Farmer: Come on now, Clarksy. [shaves the head of a "Clarkson"] We actually clip them towards the year, otherwise their woolly hair gets clogged up and all the shit comes out of their mouths, see.
Jeremy: My son watches that every hour, every time he sees it he goes "Dad, you're on television again, well it's not really you; it's some blokes with shit coming out of their mouths!"

[James' first time introducing The Stig]
James: Some say, he has a stripy top, just like mine...
Jeremy: Oh, give it a rest!
Richard: You really weren't fooling anyone.

[during the Basel to Blackpool race]
Jeremy (voiceover): And then: disaster!
Richard: Here I come!
[Hammond's Volkswagen Polo BlueMotion slowly overtakes Jeremy's Jaguar, shortly before Jeremy calls Richard's phone]
Richard: It's funny you should call. I've just seen someone who looks just like you; in a Jaguar doing about fifty-six miles an hour!
Jeremy: I am not going to race you.
Richard: Really?
Jeremy: Nope. I am going to sit behind you and watch you fail!

November 30th, 2008 [12.5][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. The Stig climbs into a bucket of hot wallpaper paste. Richard sorts out public transport. And James gets beaten up by a boat.

[About The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that one of his eyes is a teste. And that he was turned down for I'm a celebrity because people have heard of him. All we know is he's called The Stig!

[During the Power Lap of the Lexus IS-F]
The Stig: [in Morse code] Too many gears.
The Stig: [in Morse code] I like Mr Sulu.

[During the news]
Jeremy: [pointing to Richard's waistcoat] You wearing that for a bet?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: No?
Richard: No.

[Discussing the new Infiniti G convertible and its similarities to the Lexus SC 430]
Richard: [about the Lexus] I mean that is undoubtedly the most vile and hideous cars ever made. Why make it look like that?
James: It is vile, but it's completely academic because you never see one of those in the real world.
Jeremy: Oh you do! You do! Go to Cheshire, they're everywhere. And they're always being driven by those women that have got faces actually made from leather.
Richard: But whenever I see them — those women driving those cars — I really do want to stop them and just ask, I want to beg why? Tell me why did you buy that because it's an expensive car.
Jeremy: It's like getting every travel brochure, choosing your summer holidays next summer—a hundred and eighty countries you could go to and saying Yes, Germany. Not Mauritius—not Mauritius, Dortmund is where I want to go.

[May has a coughing fit as the Porsche Panamera appears on the TV.]
Richard: You all right?
James: 'Scuse me - no, I'm going to die now.
Jeremy: Is it this, has this made you feel sick?
James: I was going to say, that's exactly what it is - I looked at that and it nearly killed me, it's so awful.
[...]
Jeremy: What gets me is, who's going to say of this, "No, no, I don't want the Maserati Quattroporte or, what, you know that four-door Lamborghini we had in the studio last week, do you remember? Who's going to say, "No, I want this instead"? That's like being offered the choice of marrying two women, one of them unkind and ugly, and the other beautiful with a heart of gold, and saying, "No, I want the brutal minger."

[after Jeremy asks a nurse in the audience if she can kill James]
Richard: All she needs is a syringe and some water to kill someone? Is she a nurse or a ninja?

[having just watched a Range Rover drive into a pond]
Richard: Ooh! I bet that made him jump.

[Jeremy has proposed putting giant magnets on the front of cars to avert collisions, and a member of the audience has pointed out another benefit]
Jeremy: The man here - doesn't look bright - he's just pointed out that you'd be driving along, every screw and nail [pantomimes road debris adhering to the bumper magnet] doonk, doonk, doonk, on the front, you'd never get a puncture!
Richard: Along with the manhole covers and signposts! And the railings! And traffic lights! And dogs with metal collars on! And skips!
Jeremy: You are just nitpicking.

[During the Cool Wall segment, Jeremy asks the audience about the Morgan Aeromax]
Jeremy: Do you find him attractive?
Woman in the audience: I came with them.
Richard: Is everybody all together?
Woman in the audience: He brought me...
Jeremy: What the hell accent's that?
Woman in the audience: (blushing) I'm American...
Jeremy: You're American? You can't be, you're nowhere near fat enough!
[Audience laughs]
Jeremy: You're American? Welcome ... Welcome to the free world, you'll like it here.

[During the Cool Wall segment, Jeremy tries to guess what car people drive from the shoes they wear]
[Camera pans over to a pair of orange leather shoes]
Jeremy: OH MY GOD, WHAT KIND OF AN IDIOT— oh, hello James.
[A little later]
Jeremy: This year a motoring icon is celebrating its fortieth birthday.
James: Richard Hammond?
Jeremy: No, he's thirty eight. Same as he was last year, and the year before. Mind you, it's his birthday next week, isn't it?
James: Oh it is actually, then he'll be thirty eight.
Richard: Yes, alright, funny, funny.
Jeremy: Thirty eight year old Richard Hammond!
Richard: I am! Thank you, very much.

December 7th, 2008 [12.6][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Richard: Tonight. Boris Johnson is the mayor in our Reasonably Priced Car. Jeremy attempts an old fashioned sensible road test of the new Ford Fiesta. And has communism ever produced a good car?

[about The Stig]
Richard: Some say one of his legs get longer when he sees a pretty lady. And that I haven't done one of these for some time and I've forgotten to make up a second thing. All we know is he's called The Stig!

[At the start of the news]
James: And now the news. And it's great news, ladies and gentlemen! It's news to warm the hearts of nations: Jeremy Clarkson has lost his voice! [Audience cheers and applauds]
Richard: Mate, sorry. I know, imagine how we feel. They're gutted mate, they're gutted. But the good news is that means we can talk about whatever we like and say what we like.
[Jeremy pulls a sad face]
Richard: Yeah, yeah, whatever...

Jeremy: [Croakily] Can I just say...
Richard: Ooh, it speaks! Or sort of squeaks.
[Jeremy tries to speak but has trouble]
Richard: Ooh, that's just a noise. Are you deflating?
[Jeremy pulls out a bottle and sprays it in his mouth]
Richard: What's that? [Reading from the bottle] Synthetic saliva?
Jeremy: It means I just have a few minutes of speaking.
Richard: Oh, so you like - you need more saliva? Well ladies and gentlemen I have no doubt we can oblige with that! How do you know it's synthetic and it isn't just some bloke... [Imitates spitting into a bottle] Bottle it!
Jeremy: You can shut up for a kick off as well.
James: What?
Richard: What noise is that you're making?
Jeremy: [Pointing to May] Have you seen his eye? He's got the biggest eye infection I've ever seen. At least I don't look like a mutant.
Richard: Has it come to this?! I'm working with these two. This isn't a television program anymore; it's a colony!
Jeremy: I tell you what, instead of hurling abuse at each other, why [coughs] — excuse me — why don't we do the news?

[later in the news]
James: Do you remember Chevrolet in the early Corvettes, they had a little dial that showed you how many revs the engine had done. From new.
Jeremy: Revs?
James: Revs, yeah.
Jeremy: What, going around at five thousand RPM, be going rrrrr...! It would have to be this... [holds out arms] be wider than the car just to get the dial in!
James: Well, I worked it out for my old Porsche, actually.
Jeremy: You what?
James: My old Porsche's twenty five years old — I worked out it had done 8.4 times ten to the eight (8.4x10^8 = 840 million) revs since...
Richard: You worked that out? For — your — car? You spent time — WOW! So you must actually have done everything there is to do in the whole world to get to the bottom of the list of everything a human being can do — what's it like on the top of Everest? Is it good?
James: It's alright.
Jeremy: Richard — I went to a dinner party the other day and I sat next to a girl who said she couldn't believe that James May was still single.
Richard: There's your answer!

Jeremy: [driving a Lada Riva] Let me give you an example of its terribleness. The rear brakes were made of aluminium, and they [the Russians] must have thought "Aha! You see, that's very advanced! The West hasn't thought of this!" There's a very good reason for that though. Aluminium has the same braking properties really as... cheese. [skids round a corner] Slow down, you bitch! God almighty.

[on the Riva]
James: I thought so.
Jeremy: What?
James: A rev counter.
Jeremy: Yes?
James: You decadent capitalist pig. Ownership of a rev counter is theft.
Jeremy: Look at the colour. This is the colour of a prosthetic limb.
James: You've got wipers on your headlights!
Jeremy: They don't work.
James: That's not the point! It's aspirational!

[On the ZAZ-968's ice-fishing hatch]
Jeremy: Not even a Maybach has this!

[on the Wartburg, from E. Germany]
Jeremy: When they made a rally version of this, they had to fit uprated brakes, which they got from an Austin Maxi. How bad do the standard brakes have to be for a Maxi's to be better?!

Jeremy: It's cold, the track's too pockmarked, it's bumpy....now,I'll be driving the Morris Marxist and you shall be in the...what is it?
James: The Lenin 1.6 SLX.
Jeremy: Lovely. And the winner gets Berlin.
James: And the loser has to sacrifice his bath plug.

Jeremy: [after forcing James to drive off a cliff] Good-bye, Mr. May!

Jeremy: Oh dear. I seem to have accidentally killed James May there.
[beat]
Jeremy: Anyway...

Jeremy: In Russia, you had to work hard in the car factories, or you'd suddenly discover how difficult it is to mine Siberian salt... while wearing a hat made from your wife's head.

[on the GAZ Chaika]
Jeremy: You know the KGB used these. Except theirs had more powerful engines, and they imported their fuel from Finland 'cause it didn't have twigs in it. You should see the amount of space back here [in the rear seat]. You could chop up 30 dissidents in the back of here!

[having trouble with the Chaika's pushbutton gear select]
James: Oh ----! It's disappeared into the bloody dashboard!

Jeremy: [driving a Lada Niva] You know, I once drove one of these down a very heavily rutted track at fifty miles an hour and I was able to use the cigarette lighter — 'cause it was so smooth — to light a cigarette. It was that smooth. I'd actually quite like to demonstrate that for you now but unfortunately, we don't live in a free country!

[driving the Niva]
James: Does this mean we've actually found a Communist car we like?
[the Niva's engine cuts out and Jeremy is unable to re-start it]
Jeremy: No!

[Introducing Jeremy's road test of the Ford Fiesta]
Richard: Now - every week on Top Gear we get a stack of letters. But this week one in particular caught our eye. It's from a Mister Needham and it says "Why do you not test cars properly any more? Have you forgotten how?".
James: Now this really hurt us, so we decided to take the new Ford Fiesta and do a proper road test. Like they used to on Top Gear in the old days.
Richard: Yeah, to be honest we were quite looking forward to it. But then at the very last minute, Jeremy came in and said he wanted to do it.

[referring to a diesel version of the Fiesta]
Jeremy: I wouldn't bother with that particular model though because it'll almost certainly be shi-

Jeremy: [deadpan] Certainly will easily do 70 mph which is what I'm doing now, and that's the maximum speed you can go in Britain, so that's good... is this thorough enough for you, Mr. Needham?

[discussing the entry-level model]
Jeremy: Do you want that one, though? Really? Honestly? A basic model? Because I bet that's also shi-

FAQ about Fiesta: What if I go to a shopping centre and get chased by baddies in a Corvette?
[There follows a sequence of Clarkson in the Fiesta being chased through the interior of a shopping mall and its parking structure by a Corvette]

Jeremy: I'm now breaking the speed limit... INDOORS!

Jeremy: I've got 120 horsepower in this. You don't want any more than that on marble.

Jeremy: The Corvette is stuck in British Home Stores! Turning circle: not good enough.

[Q: Can I afford it?]
Jeremy: Prices start at around £8500, but you need £11000 to get a decent, mid-range model, so if you have £11000 to spend on a car, then yes you can. But if you've only got 40p, then... no... y-you can't.

[Q: Is it green?]
Jeremy: Yes. Very.
[We see the Fiesta in the background. It is, indeed, painted green.]

FAQ about Fiesta: What if I am asked to take part in a beach assault with the Royal Marines?
[There follows a sequence of Clarkson being transported to a beach on a marine troop landing craft. During the sequence, there are three marines in the car with Clarkson, and comments are made relating to how easy it is to shoot from out of the car's open windows and the convenience of the cup holders coincidentally being the correct size to hold hand grenades]

[as the Fiesta drives through the surf toward the beach]
Jeremy: Come onnnnn!
Royal Marine: [from the back seat] Are we nearly there yet?
Jeremy: [laughing, to the Marine corporal in the front passenger seat] The kids are being annoying. Shoot them.

[Closing the episode]
Jeremy: Anyway, that aah, that's all we got time for this week. Next week, for reasons we don't understand, we're on at nine o'clock. So we'll see you then. Unless you're watching this on Dave. In February. In the middle of the afternoon. In which case we hope that you get a job soon. Take care, see you soon, bye!

December 14th, 2008 [12.7][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. I look at the future of sports cars. James investigates the future of quite literally everything. And Richard Hammond smashes up another caravan.

[About to drag race the Tesla Roadster against a Lotus Elise]
Jeremy: Right, it's on. I... think. There's no noise at all, but anyway. Put it into drive — [it] has a one-speed gearbox. They tried it with a two speed but that kept breaking. So one it is. We're in drive and I'm ready.
[The Roadster pulls away from the Elise]
Jeremy: God almighty! Wave goodbye to dial-up and say hello to the world of broadband motoring! Twelve and a half thousand RPM, I could not believe this! That's biblically quick! This car is electric! Literally!

[While driving the Tesla next to the Lotus Elise, after overtaking it after the Hammerhead]
Jeremy: The volthead has overtaken the petrolhead. And yes, [puts finger next to ear, mimicking a telephone] yes, I've just heard, it is snowing in hell.

[Both Roadsters are unavailable, charging or broken]
Jeremy: I did think that the Teslas would bring a bit of peace and quiet to our track with their electric motors. [I] didn't think it would be this much peace and quiet though. [walking off] That is the sound of silence.
Jeremy: [voiceover] What we have here then is an astonishing technical achievement: the first electric car you might actually want to buy. It's just a shame that in the real world it doesn't seem to work.

[back in the studio with James]
Jeremy: I tried to be fair. I did try, but it was... it didn't work.
James: It's not good though is it?
Jeremy: No, I think the price will come down, you know once — what's he called — Brad Cruise and Leonardo DiClooney. Once they've bought six hundred each, then the price will drop. And I guess once they've made a few of them they'll get better at the reliability.
James: Well, that's as maybe. But — and as I aim to demonstrate later on in the show — battery powered electric cars will soon die altogether.
Jeremy: No, we are looking forward to that film. Well, I am anyway.

Jeremy: [Holds up an item] would anyone like to hazard a guess at what this is?
[Person in audience responds]
Jeremy: What?
[Person in audience repeats]
Jeremy: How can you know what this is? Have you got one?
[Person in audience responds]
Jeremy: [stutters] This lady knows the answer! This is... a she-wee.

Jeremy: Grandparents, if you've got grandkids that like cars, what they like is cars, okay. They don't like towels with car names written on them.
James: Exactly with this sort of thing you can buy a bottle of red wine for 2.99, 3.99 in the shops. If you get a bottle of red wine with the Alfa Romeo logo on it, it's 15 quid.
Jeremy: Oh I can beat that May. This is an ice scraper OK. It's covered in Santa's pubes, it's got SAAB written on it... £38.50.
James: What!
Jeremy: It's given us an idea. [produces a plate of vomit, to groans from the audience] See this? It is a plate of sick. Now it is utterly worthless. But if I just pop a BMW badge on it, £13.80.
Richard: [produces a false arm clad in a baggy purple sleeve] It does work, this sort of branding. This wizard's sleeve for instance.[Clarkson laughs madly] Absolutely WORTHLESS, but it bears a Ferrari badge. 45 pounds. [Audience pays attention to what James has]
James: [holds up a fencing foil with a load of sausages speared on it] This pork sword...
Richard: No!
Jeremy: James don't do the pork sword! [holds up a stuffed chicken] This cock...
Richard: Has it got four rings on it?
Jeremy: Yes it has! Put this cock in your wizard's sleeve
Richard: Thank you
Jeremy: It's all gone horribly wrong.

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he doesn't like to get his helmet wet. A point that was proved last week when he was caught in the back of shot by an eagle-eyed viewer.
[The Stig is shown in the background under a yellow umbrella during one of Boris Johnson's practice laps]
Jeremy: All we know is, he's called The Stig!

[During the power lap of the Tesla Roadster]
The Stig: [in Morse code] I like Gary Newman.
The Stig: [in Morse code] That pork tasted funny.

[On the Honda FCX Clarity]
James: [voiceover] ...the most important car since the car was invented. Here it is. It's called the FCX Clarity. And I'm afraid it's a four door Honda.

[After testing their V8 rocking chair]
Jeremy: It hasn't worked, because the noise is so great, you'd never hear the television, would you?
Richard: That... and the fact that the old lady has disintegrated. Her head's come off!

James: So far, most electric cars have been appalling little plastic snot-boxes that take all night to recharge and then take half a minute to reach their maximum speed of forty. And then run out of juice miles from anywhere.
[James drives past a Toyota Prius]
James: Prius. Sucker.

[On the Honda FCX Clarity]
Jay Leno: In America, we like people to know about the good work we are doing anonymously.

[on the Embarrassing Flirting Award]
Richard: In third place: James May, for this fantastic, sonorous approach when presented with two girls during our Alfa Romeo trip through Warwickshire.
[The clip with James May saying hello to the girls from Series 11, Episode 3, is played, prompting uproarious laughter from Jeremy, Richard and the audience.]
Richard: I'd forgotten how bad it was!
James: You have to start with "Hello".

December 28th, 2008 [12.8][edit]

Listed as the Top Gear: Vietnam Special

Series 13[edit]

June 21st, 2009 [13.1][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. Richard tries to start a motorbike. James fill his car with petrol. And I get a British Rail sun tan.

[During the coming-in-this-series preview of the Val Thorens race from 13.5]
Jeremy: Get out of my way, Frenchists!

[The steam engine has had a water injector malfunction, then resume operation]
Jeremy: You know they say steam engines have moods…
Engineer: It was its time of the month for about ten minutes.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he invented the curtain, and that he recently submitted a £20,000 expenses claim for some gravel...for his moat. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

[About the London to Edinburgh race]
Richard: When we left the action, Jeremy was in the lead just approaching Doncaster, I was in second place and, as you would expect, Captain Slow was bringing up the rear...
James: Steady.
Richard: ...Hoping to take me from behind.
James: Yeah alright.
Richard: And then press home his advantage and take Jeremy in the tunnel...
James: Stop saying things like that!

[on the Black Shadow, in last place due to not being able to start it and then later accidentally stalling it]
Richard: OK. A few things to get used to. The gear lever is on the other side of the bike. So at the moment, every time I want to brake, I'm changing gear instead and if I want to change gear, I'm braking. It's not ideal. Brakes are the originals, and surprisingly good. The only trouble is, they're full of asbestos.

[riding the Black Shadow]
Richard: I am now straddling my boyhood hero! No, no, wait. That's not right, no. Between my legs... No.

[Jeremy, covered in soot, has just walked into the bar and collapsed after running there from the steam engine]
James: [holding a glass of beer up to Jeremy's mouth] Jeremy! Speak to me!

[after James overtakes Richard in the 1949 race, Richard calls Jeremy, who is several miles ahead]
Jeremy: Hammond, where are you?
Richard: Um, I'm about thirty miles south of Doncaster.
Jeremy: Oh, dear! We're in York.
Richard: What?!
Jeremy: Where's James?
Richard: He's just overtaken me, but his Jag is drinking fuel, so with a bit of luck, he'll stop for fuel before I do, and I can overtake him again.
Jeremy: Or he'll catch fire?
[Richard hears a tannoy announcement telling him to turn his mobile phone off]
Jeremy: What's that noise?
Richard: It's me being told off not to use a mobile phone by the man.
Jeremy: Go and tell him it's 1949.
Richard: Yes, so we can't have mobile phones.
[as the train starts to pull out of the station, it does a wheelspin]
Jeremy: Yes! That was wheelspin! On a 96-tonne train!
Richard: You're-- That is a steam train, isn't it? It's not got some nuclear device on board as well?
[the train is now on the move again]
Jeremy: [voiceover] No. What it had on board was a fresh crew. And that meant a fresh set of muscles.

[Jeremy has just left Berwick aboard Tornado, but has found out that James is in the lead.]
Jeremy: How far north of Berwick are you?
James: Less than ten miles.
Jeremy: How far?
James: Less than ten miles.
Jeremy: Seventeen?
James: No, less than ten!
Jeremy: Thirty?
James: [losing patience] LESS THAN TEN! [laughs] What a cock-end! Honestly!

[Jeremy, Richard and James are beginning on the news.]
Jeremy: Now as we know, to try and shore up the car industry, the Government recently announced that if you scrap your old Singer Gazelle, you get £2000 off the price of a new car.
James: But why is it just cars?
Jeremy: What are you suggesting; "Dear The Government, I've just found some rancid bacon in the back of my fridge; can I have a big pile of money to buy a shiny new lobster?"

[During the news, discussing the Skoda Fabia Scout]
Richard: ...so presuming that it comes with a 10p piece, bit of string in the glove box, and it pitches up on your doorstep every year to ask for a pound to clean itself.
James: So I supposed that every summer it goes off and sort of stays in the countryside somewhere, and is... touched inappropriately.
[crowd laughs]
Jeremy: No, no James. [crowd continues laughing] No, no James. That's the Skoda Catholic Church.

[Jeremy is about to discuss a car smaller than the Peel P50.]
Jeremy: Now, we have some bad news.
James: [dryly] Dacia Sandero.
Jeremy: [firmly] No, not the Dacia Sandero.

Jeremy: Get off topic, just for a moment; you see, I was driving down here this morning and I couldn't help noticing that my Mercedes just said on the dashboard [puts on bad German accent] "your service is due in tventy-six days". [resumes normal voice] I just thought "How Germanic and boring is that?"
Richard: [whispering] ...and precise.
Jeremy: And then I was thinking "What's going to happen on the twenty-seventh day when inevitably I still haven't had it serviced?"
James: [in bad German accent] Cooler, sree veeks... Mezzr. Clarkson...

[Michael Schumacher as the Stig is driving the Reasonably Priced Car very badly]
Jeremy: Here he is, final corner... [the car doesn't turn up] ...Michael Schumacher is lost, everybody!!!

June 28th, 2009 [13.2][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. We throw a chair over a hedge. A Quite Interesting man drives our reasonably priced car. And for the first time ever the Bugatti Veyron races a McLaren F1.

[During the challenge, inside the Top Gear office, talking to insurance sales people]
Richard: No, no accidents in the last five years. [immediately looks at the camera]

[Also talking to insurance sales people]
Jeremy: But that's 15 times the price of the car! What you're saying is, I'm going to completely write-off the car 15 times a year.

Jeremy: Well there's a Top Gear top tip right there. If you're a 17 year old boy and need car insurance, slice your penis off.
Richard: I would've done.
James: I did. [Richard and Jeremy laugh out loudly]
James: Yup. I nearly did.

[After Richard and James arrive at the school with their used cars]
Richard: [Narrating] And then, a geography teacher arrived.
[The "geography teacher" is, in fact, Jeremy, who is driving a beige Volvo 940 estate]
James: God above, I thought that was one of the teachers!
Richard: [Laughing as Jeremy gets out of his car] I'm sorry, I'm 17, "Happy birthday, son!" [Richard fakes crying for a moment]
Jeremy: [Completely serious] Perfect car for any 17-year-old.
Richard: Why?
Jeremy: Why?
Richard: Yes!
Jeremy: My turbo!
Richard: It is a low-pressure turbo.
Jeremy: [To James] What have you got?
James: I've got a Golf.
Jeremy: Has it got a turbo?
James: No.
Richard: [Talking about his own car] They did do a turbo--
Jeremy: What is that?
Richard: That's a Hyundai S-coupé, and they did do a turbo.
James: Not on this one.
Richard: No, not on this particular one.
Jeremy: So you turn up, at the school, here's my turbo. There's another very important issue that we must address: The most precious thing in your life, your child, speaking as a parent, is sitting in that seat, yes?
Both: Yes.
Jeremy: [Indicating the hood] Look at the amount of metal between him and the tree he will inevitably hit!

James: [Reading from the first challenge card] You must now imagine that you are 17...
Jeremy: Yes.
James: ...and modify your cars accordingly, in order to do what any 17-year-old boy wants to do: attract girls!
Richard: [Laughing at Jeremy] You've had it! Well look at your beige Volvo!
Jeremy: Just--get on...
James: [Continuing] Your budget is whatever you have left from your original £2,500.
Jeremy: [To James] So how much have you got?
James: 300 quid.
Jeremy: [To Richard] You?
Richard: 500 quid! You?
Jeremy: ...naught.

[Jeremy is slipping badly on the slope while trying to escape the clutches of the Glastonbury car park.]
Jeremy: [as if in a crisis] OH, P-L-E-A-S-E!! PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO ME!!!

[During the news, about the car insurance]
Richard: Can I just point out before we do move on, if you do decide to put yourself on your parents' insurance, and you have a crash, and the insurance company find out that it was really your car...
Jeremy: Which they will if it's got a body kit on it. Or even half a body kit. [part of Hammond's body kit had fallen off in an earlier challenge]
Richard: Alright, whatever. The point is, if the insurance company find out that it really was your car after all, they won't pay out. And then they can prosecute you, and then you might have to go to jail. And then one day you'll be in the showers and a big, strange man will come and-
Jeremy: [interrupting] Oookayy! Okay...

[During the news, while commenting on the cheap car challenge]
James: I thought the best noise that ever came out of a car was the one coming out of the stereo of my seventeen-year-old Golf until you two touched it inappropriately.

[commenting on the furore over North Korea's nuclear tests]
James: Why would the Koreans nuke Hammersmith?
Jeremy: They used American guidance systems?

[Jeremy has just remembered about the Ferrari FXX lap, and has bad news.]
Jeremy: Last week, a man came here, claiming to be the Stig. Maybe he is, we don't know. Okay? Maybe he is, but what we do know is he set a time of one minute, ten seconds in a Ferrari FXX round our track, top of our leaderboard. We subsequently discovered he was doing that on slick tyres. Now we have rules on this powerboard here, okay—you can't use slicks, so this time is coming off.
[Crowd boos as the time comes off.]
Jeremy: [indignantly] Oh, boo?!! [Crowd laughs] This is a dictatorship! You want to live in a democracy, go to Iran!
Richard: I have to work with that. Week in, week out.

[Richard has parked his car noiselessly and safely, and now it is Jeremy's turn. All is rather quiet until...]
Jeremy: [in a frustrated yell] OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!

James: [Clarkson turned on his stereo while he was trying to quietly park] God's sake. No! [Lights turn on as Clarkson and Hammond laugh] You're so unfunny.

[James has sent the supermarket trolleys flying with his handbrake turn, but the teenage girls are paying no attention.]
Richard: They're hot for James May right now!
[Jeremy laughs loudly.]
James: I might as well have cut my penis off for all the good that did.

[Richard has crashed his car. Jeremy runs over to it and opens the door.]
Jeremy: You alright?
[After hearing no answer from Richard, he closes the door again.]
Jeremy: [mournfully] Dead.
James: Really?
Jeremy: Yeah... [sniffs] Yeah. Anyway, er...
James: Back to the studio.
Jeremy: [indignantly] That's my line!
[Later, in the studio...]
Richard: [gently] Luckily, children, I got better; you may not be so lucky.
James: [also gently] Yes, it's like my penis: that grew back. Yours might not.

[An irate Jeremy is trying to stop the windscreen wiper while in the studio.]
Richard: This is consumer advice as well, so...
Jeremy: [frustrated] SHUT UUUUUP!

Jeremy: Well of course, what we have proved there is that the Bugatti Veyron, which we know to be the fastest car in the world, is faster than another kind of car.

July 5th, 2009 [13.3][edit]

Jeremy: Tonight. We shout at the government. A man drives a Subaru through a building. And a dog goes in a car.

Richard: And now we must do the news, and starting off with Citroën, they've made a new C3, here it is, and... well, it's a Citroën, it looks like that, but the most important thing about it is, for this car, they've invented a new word.
Jeremy: Word?
Richard: They've actually, they've put it in their publicity material for it, and it's, it's "visiodrive". They confess they've made that up, it's a whole... new word! Visio... drive.
Jeremy: I'm sort of sympathetic.
Richard: Why?
Jeremy: Because none of the words you would normally use to describe a Citroën would work very well in their own publicity blurb, would they? Like... "flimsy".

[during the news]
Jeremy: As men, we all know that you should never, ever buy a woman something with a plug on it. Yeah? We know that.
James: I did.
Jeremy: What?
James: I did.
Jeremy: You bought your girlfriend an electrical appliance.
James: Yeah, I got her a power drill.
Richard: James! James, she's a ballet correspondent.
James: Well, that's what she wanted! She said "I want that power drill," so I got it for her!
Jeremy: No, she said that, James, but - do you know nothing? Women say they want a power drill, but they don't, they want soap. Women always - they do!
James: Yeah, but it's impossible to buy soap for a woman.
Richard: Eh? No, hang on, soap's soap. You can't -
Jeremy: Oho!
James: Hah!
Jeremy: Whoa ho! Did you hear that, girls? "Soap is soap."
Richard: Well, it is! It's just -
Jeremy: Go on, then, buy your wife some Swarfega.
Richard: Well, that's great! That's an effective cleaning agent! She'd be chuffed, I'm sure!
Jeremy: However. The worst thing you would ever have to buy, ever have to buy a girl is a handbag.
Richard: That's pretty bad.
Jeremy: Because, even if by some miracle you got the right colour, it would be the wrong shape, it wouldn't have the right number of pockets, it would be last season's handbag-
James: Is there a season for handbags?
[laughter]
Jeremy: Did you hear? Is...oh yes!
James: What, there's certain times of the year I can shoot handbags and it's okay?
Richard: Yep.
[more laughter]
Jeremy: No, the fact is, okay, my wife has a handbag; I kid you not, it is this big. [holds up paper cup] And in it, she'll go, "I've lost my mobile phone! Ring it! Ring it, ring it! And you'll say, "If it's in there, you must be able to see it-", "I can't see it!"

[During the car sauna clip]
Richard: Given that we are made of ... what percentage of us is water?
Jeremy: 98%.
James: Or less.
Richard: Water that evaporates. So what we are breathing is each other...
[Jeremy looks horrified and James looked disgusted]
Jeremy: [While Richard is pretending to retch] You're breathing my chest.

[After showing the car sauna clip]
Jeremy: Gordon, if you're watching, and you're probably not, if you go to set these ridiculous, er, heatwave level alerts...what was it we got up to?
Both: Sixty-two.
Jeremy: [continuing his speech] ...Sixty-two degrees is your bottom.
Richard: Yeah, it gets a bit toasty...
Jeremy: A bit uncomfortable.
Richard: How about that?
Jeremy: Yeah.
James: Actually, Gordon, there's something else I've discovered in that test, if you're watching. And that is... I know when I'm too hot.
Jeremy: I don't need the Government to tell me to have a drink of water and put suncream on. Leave - us - alone!

[During Star In A Reasonably Priced Car]
Michael McIntyre: The only way you could feel better about having such a terrible car is you would occasionally try and overtake nicer cars on the motorway. It's quite a manly moment. You're sitting there, chugging along at 60; you're quite comfortable. You'll see a Porsche in the middle lane, I'd say to my wife, "You see that Porsche?" She'd say, "Yes, what of it?" "I'm having it." She's like, "The Princess couldn't overtake that Porsche, it's a 1.0!" "I can do this!" You pull into the middle lane, you start to get excited, then you get into the fast lane. When you're in the fast lane in a terrible car, you immediately know you don't belong. Big Range Rovers right up behind you flashing, "Retreat to the loser lane, where you belong!" There are horses in the slow lane going, "I've gotta see this. What's going on?" I think the top speed was about 76. You put your foot down and the whole car would shake uncontrollably. It takes somewhere between 40 to 45 minutes to pull alongside the Porsche. My wife's going, [While shaking his head] "I told you!" And you always have to look over, when you're overtaking, to see your victim. [While shaking his head] "Who are you Porsche driver?"

[After James has done a lap with a St Bernard dog in the car]
Jeremy: Oh, that is a miserable-looking dog.
Richard: Aww! It's making me sad just looking at him!
James: [indignantly] That's his normal face!
Jeremy: That's the saddest-looking spectacle I've ever seen, and it's your fault. If you're from the RSPCA, write to us at 'James May is a Bastard, BBC Top Gear, London'.

[the presenters, in their small cars, are driving through Parliament Square protesting through loudspeakers]
Jeremy: What do we want?!
Both: ASTON MARTINS!
Jeremy: When do we want them?!
Both: NOW!

Jeremy: 2, 4, 6, 8, Jacqui Smith's husband likes to mast...I can't do that one...

James: Acceleration, not nationalisation - of the banks (although obviously it's easy to make a credible case for state ownership of other industries such as utilities)!
Richard: Catchy!

[Jeremy, James and Richard are testing the smoothness and quietness of their cars. Things are uncannily silent, until.......]
Jeremy: [over radio] This may only have a three-cylinder diesel engine, but it's so quiet in here I can hear my hair growing!
James: [over radio] Jeremy, it's the noise test and the machine is picking up your voice.

[Jeremy, James and Richard are testing the speed of their cars with a drag race. Jeremy's Škoda Roomster pulls alongside James' Toyota iQ.]
Jeremy: Got James!
[James' Toyota accelerates ahead of Jeremy.]
Jeremy: [with the same tone as before] Lost James!

July 12th, 2009 [13.4][edit]

Jeremy: Tonight. The fastest man in the world on our track. The slowest man in the world falls asleep. And we literally set fire to Dorset with a machine gun.

[On the powerful, front wheel drive, Ford Focus RS]
Jeremy: Asking the front wheels of a car to do their normal job of steering while handling, let's say, more than 170 brake horsepower is like asking a man to wire a plug while juggling. Penguins. While making love. To a beautiful woman, while on fire, on stage, in front of the Queen. It's all going to go wrong.
[On cornering]
Jeremy: Eventually, you will slide wide. But only after your face has come off.

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he is absolutely baffled by urinals. And that on reflection this was a bad week to launch his debut single. It's a tribute, to Farah Fawcett. All we know is he's called The Stig.

Jeremy: You don't need a driving license to be a Lamborghini test driver. You just turn up for the interview, go, "I'm sorry, I'm drunk and mad but I'm called Velociraptor Clint Thrust." "Right, you start on Monday."

[Jeremy, James and Richard are talking about the new Lamborghini Gallardo Balboni]
James: I like that stripe so much I'd be prepared to buy the whole car just to get it.
Jeremy: Just for the stripe. Can I just offer one word of warning to anyone who's thinking of buying a Gallardo? James, for you, okay? Have you seen this?
[A picture of a Gallardo on fire appears on the screen]
Richard: That's...that's a burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: Yeah; have you seen this?
[Another picture of a Gallardo on fire appears...]
Richard: That's a burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: Yeah, I know; have you seen this?
[...and another...]
Richard: That's a burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: I know, but have you seen this?
[...and another...]
Richard: That's a burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: What about this?
[...and another...]
Richard: Er, burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: What about this?
[...and one of a Gallardo that's almost totally destroyed by the fire]
Richard: [laughing] That'd be a burning Gallardo! That's ridiculous!
James: So I go into the dealer and I say "I'd like a Lamborghini, can I have one that's not on fire?"
Jeremy: Thing is, though, I have to say, this is what makes driving a Lamborghini so exciting; you drive in a normal car, and it's not on fire.

Jeremy: How many children said, "Dad, can we please go to the Goodwood Festival of Speed 'cause I really wanna see a zero-emission Renault van"?
Richard: Yes, how many of those kids went back to school the next day, "Did you see the chrome-plated Bugatti?" "No, but I saw a Renault van with green windows! Yeah!"

[On Porsche Panamera's satellite navigation]
James: You get the moving map in the dial. [Enthusiastically] Oh, oh!
Richard: You're not going to crash the car doing this?
James: Yes, I am!

[Jeremy comments on Usain Bolt's 2008 Olympic 100m dash]
Jeremy: You set a world record with your shoelace undone.

[Jeremy reads out Usain Bolt's quote on the day of the 2008 Olympic 100m dash]
Jeremy: It said, "I didn't have breakfast, woke up at 11:00, sat around watching TV, then had some chicken nuggets..." [Laughter] Oh, no, it gets better! "Slept for two hours, then went back and got some more nuggets." [Laughter]

July 19th, 2009 [13.5][edit]

Jeremy: Tonight. We save the entire world. We test a fat spaniel from Jaguar. And we annoy France's second best racing driver.

[on The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say, he has twelve GCSEs, all in Domestic Science. And that he has been producing artificial sperm for years. Even though we have repeatedly asked him not to. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

Richard: [on the Morris Marina that James is driving] I'll guarantee that nothing exciting, vibrant, dynamic, new, creative, hopeful or beneficial in any way to humanity has ever been done, thought of or driven to in that drab, dreary, entirely beige, wilfully awful pile of misery.
James: Oh come on its not that bad... it's well equipped. Course it isn't well equipped really - its got one dial. But its tastefully upholstered. Of course it isn't tastefully upholstered really - it's brown. But the seats are velour and look how nicely it's worn!

[During the discussion on the new Jaguar XJ]
James: Come on! Nobody gives a pig’s arse about all that diesel stuff. (Crowd Laughs) It’s the new XJ; the important question is “Is it a proper Jag?”
Jeremy: Now what you mean is “Is this car slightly caddish?” Is that what you actually mean?
James: (nods) Yes.
Jeremy: Is the person who drives it a bit... um, what’s the word? Im not quite sure how to sum it up, but it’s the sort of person who would go away for a weekend with his wife to a hotel, to some romantic place, and spends the entire night... flirting outrageusly with the waitress. And it’s okay because he’s got a “Jaaaaag.”
(Everyone laughs)
Richard: That’s the Jag driver; he’d get away with anything! (Changes tone) I’m terribly sorry, I ran over your dog. (Whimpers) ...in my “Jaaaaag.”
(Crowd laughs)
James: Is it fair to say? Do you think that no “Jaaaaag” driver is ever entirely trustworthy, but it’s in a really nice likeable way?
Jeremy: Yes! If you would go to a prison, forget the sort of "stabbists", and you know the stranglers. The ones who are in there for a bit of Tax Dodging...
(Richard Laughs)
James: Yeah.
Jeremy: I bet eighty percent have got “Jaaaaags.” (Crowd laughs) You know what I mean now?
(Turns to someone in the audience)
Jeremy:You got a Jag? Who here’s got a Jag? (Stands up then points at someone who responded) You got a Jag? Look at him!
(Audience laughs)
Richard: Yup, he’s a Jag driver.
Jeremy: He goes away with a sort of girl for a weekend, and then goes... “Awfully sorry...”
Richard: ... bit of an issue with the wallet.
Jeremy: “Would you mind awfully settling this while I go warm up the “Jaaaaag?”

[During the discussion on the Honda FR-V]
James: That's, actually, that's not the worst bit about those, those six-seater cars, because it could be worse if you had your wife in the front, and both daughters, and you sat in the back.
Jeremy: [sympathetically] Ohh.
James: No, but you do see that occasionally. You see the mother in the front, and then, and then there's a bloke sitting in the back seat.
Richard: On his own.
Jeremy: It's tragic.
James: There's nothing more pitiable.
Richard: Pathetic.
Jeremy: It's the most pitiable sight you can see.
James: She's effectively saying, "You've given me the baby, now get in the back."
Richard: [nodding] Yeah.
Jeremy: [stares at James for a moment, then bursts out laughing]
James: [realizes what he said, points at the camera]... No.
Jeremy: Uh, that... concludes the news, OK? [looks at James and bursts out laughing again, this time taking Richard with him]

Jeremy: We have had some problems with the Morris Marina Owners' Club—
Richard: Problems!? They've declared a fatwa on us!

James:[During the Braking test] COCK! [he then crashes into his own piano]

[During the Val Thorens race, Jeremy's windscreen has been coated with snow...]
Jeremy: [panicking] I CAN'T SEE A BLOODY THING!! [accidentally pulls off glove while steering] AAGH, pulled my own glove off!

[During the Val Thorens race...]
Jeremy: [Voiceover] Olivier Panis found the Morris particularly annoying.

Jeremy: Ten minutes later, we roared into the first corner [Jeremy, James and Richard creep slowly into view]

Jeremy: [almost crashing into James May's Marina at the Val Thorens race] DON'T HIT HIM!! Morris extremists will come if I hit him!

July 26th, 2009 [13.6][edit]

Jeremy: Tonight! I wear some goggles. Richard falls down a small slope. And James says "Hello" to a man!

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say, that on Thursdays he becomes incredibly bulbous. And that recently pigs in Mexico started to die of something called "Stig flu". All we know is, he's highly contagious!

[Driving the new Z4]
Jeremy: Getting into the old Z4 after a long day, was like coming home after a long day's work and flopping down onto a sofa made entirely out of Chuck Norris.

[About Morris Marina Owners' Club]
Richard: Last week a piano was accidentally dropped on a Morris Marina as we were filming it.
Jeremy: Last time this happened the Morris Marina Owners' Club, which is like the provisional wing of the "Morris Men", is absolutely furious.
James: Actually, there's been a lot of activity on a Morris chatroom: "I'm going to send an e-mail to the BBC and I don't care if they don't read it."
Jeremy: Now, that's what they said last time, okay. This time - getting worse. They say they're gonna get physical. I'm quoting now, one of them says (and I'm not making this up): "If I see Jeremy Clarkson in the street, I will poo into my hand and throw it at him."
[Audience laughs]
Richard: [incredulous] What, they'll poo into their own hand?! That's a stupid way of getting someone! That's like an assassin lining up on the target and then shooting them through his own head! Bang!

[Carla Bruni's song about Marina]
Carla: My heart is sore
My Marina is no more
It was the 1.8
With the optional rear armrest
And now those Top Gear wazzocks
Have dropped a piano on its roof
I hate James May
And the other two
But mainly James May
I want my Morris back
[cuts to James May laughing]

August 2nd, 2009 [13.7][edit]

Jeremy: Tonight, Richard has a crisis. Some sheep on our track. And James and I go to the lavatory.

Jeremy: Yes, and welcome to the final show in the series.. [Crowd shows disappointment and sighs] Sad.

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say, that he cut that man's hair [pointing at the man in audience]. And that if he compensated a soldier for getting wounded, he wouldn't try to take it all back again! [huge cheers from audience]

Jeremy: Now, eh as I'm sure you know, we don't often do consumer advice on this show, but tonight, we are. Because you see, if you were in a market, for large, fast, spacious, executive saloon cars, you'd imagine, that you'll be spoiled for choice. Me too. However, Richard Hammond, who is quite mad, has decided that every single one of them has a fatal flaw.

[Richard Hammond explaining the name of the Vauxhall VXR8 Bathurst]
Richard: This car is Australian, and the Bathurst is Australia's most famous race. Basically, it's a place where Holden and Ford fans go to have a massive fistfight, and then in the interval, when the paramedics go in, sometimes a car race breaks out.

[Richard Hammond commenting on the VXR8 Bathurst
Richard: I'm sorry, if this car doesn't move you, that is your problem, not the car's. Just the fact!

[During the News, after concluding that throwing a G-Wiz electric car into a river would be safe for the fish]
James: I'm not convinced by that, though, because I think electricity is a mystery.
[Jeremy rolls his eyes and looks at the audience]
James: It is! No—I don't actually believe in it.
Jeremy: You don't believe in electricity?
James: No, nobody really understands it.
Jeremy: [Indicating James] What you are witnessing here is Asperger's made real.
James: [Confused] Is that what makes my wee smell funny?
Jeremy: No—! [He laughs]
James: [Laughing as well] Oh no, that's asparagus!

[During the News, about forbidding people not interested in cars to drive]
Richard: If you haven't got the interest, you can't do it...you shouldn't be allowed to do it.
Jeremy: No, exactly. I mean, it would be like asking him [points to Richard] to cook Sunday lunch. Could you cook a Sunday lunch?
Richard: Yeah, you... boil the meat or whatever... no, I'm not—
Jeremy: You see?
Richard: I'm not interested in food so I'm not interested in cooking.
Jeremy: There you are, you see? You wouldn't ask him because he's not interested to cook you any food, you wouldn't ask me to do the washing up, you wouldn't ask James to... direct a porn film.
[The audience laugh as Jeremy looks very matter-of-fact]
James: Well, hang on. You say that, I think I'd actually direct quite a good porn film.
Jeremy: If you directed a porn film, it would be you arriving at the house of the woman in the stockings and you'd go [takes on a deep voice in imitation of James] "I've come to fix your boiler". And then you'd just fix it.
James: [considering] Might be. What's wrong with that?

[Talking about Jeremy's 1st VW ad featuring a Scirocco Diesel and some explosions]]]
Jeremy: What do you think of that?
James: It's rubbish.
Jeremy: Why is it rubbish?
James: It's not funny, and it's not true. We've been to see those clever blokes in the agency, they've told us what VW advertising is like. How can you hint at 55 miles to the gallon with an explosion?
Jeremy: Well what have you got?

[Overlaying shots of Jeremy driving the Aston Martin V12 Vantage in the English countryside.]
Jeremy: Well, it's an Aston Martin Vantage with a V12 engine. What do you think it's going to be like? It is fantastic. It is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. What it makes me feel, though, is sad. I just can't help thinking that thanks to all sorts of things...the environment, the economy, problems in the Middle East, the relentless war on speed... cars like this will soon be consigned to the history books. [drives past pictures of similar cars that have fallen out of use] I just have this horrible, dreadful feeling that what I’m driving here is an ending. [looks at the camera] Good night.

Series 14[edit]

November 15th, 2009 [14.1][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, James gets lost in a Lamborghini . Richard drives over a bridge in a Ferrari. And I wear a small hat in an Aston Martin.

[Talking about what would be the best car to take on a Grand Tour of Europe]
Richard: What you want for a Grand Tour is engine at the front, nice comfy suspension, four seats and a boot for all your luggage
Jeremy: Exactly, like the Aston
Richard: Well, yeah, it's the best... apart from the fact that the Ferrari costs £140,000, the Lambo £150,000 and the Aston is the best part of £170,000
Jeremy: Yes
Richard: And it's the slowest to 60mph.
Jeremy: Yes
Richard: And it's got the smallest top speed
Jeremy: Yes. But... [pointing to the Ferrari] that's a V8, [pointing to the Lamborghini] that's a V10, [pointing to the Aston] that's a V12. MORE, [emphasising the difference in height between himself and Hammond] is better.

[About Romania]
Jeremy: We imagine that here [in Romania] it's full of oxes and people throwing stones at gypsies.
Jeremy: Coming here in a car that costs £168,000 is a bit like turning up in the Sudan in a suit made entirely out of food.

[In the Romania road trip, connecting the Bluetooth systems of the cars]
Jeremy: [voiceover] So that we could talk to each other on our long journey, we decided to pull over and connect our phones into the cars' Bluetooth systems. In the Aston and the Lamborghini, this was very easy. However, in the Ferrari...
Onboard computer voice: Every new phone must be prepared before it is used.
Richard: Yes, preparing my phone.
Onboard computer voice: You may have...
Richard: Yes, yes, yes.
Onboard computer voice: ..so that you can press the phone's button and say "Call Mary" to place a call to Mary. Pressing the VR button while the system is speaking...
Richard: PLEASE STOP!

[In the Romania road trip, talking about the Aston DBS Volante]
Jeremy: Aston Martin has gone to simply enormous lengths to make the DBS convertible as light as possible. It has a carbon-fibre bonnet, carbon-fibre wings, carbon-fibre boot, carbon-fibre door-pulls, even. They've even made the carpet out of a specially lightweight weave. And the results speak for themselves. This is by far and away... the HEAVIEST car of the three.

[In the Romania road trip, when a Dacia Sandero overtakes them easily on the road]
Jeremy: [voiceover] For miles, our convoy ruled the road. But then...
Jeremy: Oh, my God! Look here!
Richard: What's that?! Wha...?
James: That's the Dacia Sandero!
Jeremy: I'm going to see if I can hold on to the back of it.
James: The 1.2 16-valve... that thing can shift!
Jeremy: Come on! Keep up with the Sandero!

[In the news, talking about how Australian authorities are going to get tough on boozed up fans]
Jeremy: They say each fan is going to be limited to just 24 cans of lager each per day.
Richard: [sarcastically] Just 24?
Jeremy: 24 a day, no more than that.
James: And Australians, don't think you can get round this by switching to wine, because that's limited as well... to four litres a day.

[Talking about the Porsche Boxster Spyder's "clever" gearbox]
Richard: It's got a very clever gearbox, it's called the... *stumbles*
Jeremy: Is it German?
Richard: It's a German name, it's really complicated..
Jeremy: Oh God..
Richard: So can I just spell this out, it's a D, O, P, P, E, L.. K.. U.. P, P.. L... U... N, G... S.. G.. E, T, R.. I, E, B.. E.
[Talking about a long German word for a gearbox]
Jeremy: Do you know what that means? You speak German.
James: I do.
Jeremy: What's the only German you can say?
James: Aber ja, natürlich Hans ist nass, er steht unter dem Wasserfall.
Jeremy: What's that mean?
James: "Naturally Hans is wet, he's standing under a waterfall."
Richard: Ok...
[Audience laughs]
James: I use it all the time.

[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that in the autumn, all his arms go brown and fall off. And that if he wrote you a letter of condolence, he would at least get your name right. All we know is, he's called the Stog.
James: You mean the Stig.
Jeremy: That's what I said. I said it!

November 22nd, 2009 [14.2][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, James drives a milk float. Richard says "look out" backwards. And I cut my finger on some aluminium.

[on first sight of Geoff]
Richard: That is the worst-looking car in the whole world. I'd rather look at one of your dingleberries.

Richard: I feel like the Pope with his head in a box.

Jeremy: Have we got anyone behind us? It's hard -
Richard: Yes, ohh yes. Yes, yes we have, yes.

Jeremy: Do you know what we've done? We've made something worse than a G-Wiz.

[Talking about a new F1 team, Manor Grand Prix from near Sheffield]
Richard: I can't wait to see their new car. Don't worry about bothering with all that carbon fibre, I made mine out of steel. Stainless!
Jeremy: Stainless steel. [putting on accent] I tell you what, if that Fernando Alonso twats into our car, his Ferrari'll be buggered. I'll tell ye that for nowt.
James: Funny, my dad worked in pit, and now I've got a job in pit.
Jeremy: They're replacing T'oyota and they've sang' Timo Glock, who presumably is currently learning why it's important to punch anyone who looks at 'im funny.

[About the British police thinking of using the Mitsubishi i MiEV]
Jeremy: Criminals! Would you like to get away with your crimes? Are you capable of running more than a hundred yards? Well, good news!
[...]
James: I don't want the police to crack down on CO2. I want them to get my bloody television back, because it's been six years since that was nicked and I haven't heard a peep out of them whilst they've been going on about cracking down on CO2. I'm going to have to buy another one at this rate.
Jeremy: What were you stopped for the other day? By a policeman. It was some motoring misdemeanour. He just turned around and said "Oh good, this must mean you've found my television."

[on a recent study that showed driving fast cars increased testosterone levels in males]
James: I think that makes perfect sense, doesn't it? 'Cause whenever I drive a really nice, exciting car, I always get like a nice little... fizzing sensation.
Jeremy: Where is this fizzing sen -
James: Well, it's not actually in my penis, but it's - but it's sort of just behind it.
Jeremy: ... A fizzing sensation just behind your penis.
James: Yeah.
Jeremy: So isn't that the pit of your stomach?
James: No no no, lower down than that. Sort of right be -
Richard: That's your prostate, mate, you've sat on the gear lever.

[a member of the audience claims also to have James's "fizzing sensation"]
Jeremy: You have? Or do you just want to be on television?

Jeremy: Now. We have to just touch on something, don't we, before we go, because -
Richard: Whoa, no! No no, no, no no, no no no, gaaah.
Jeremy: [facepalming] The news has gone wrong this week.

[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he has some terrible plans involving the moon. And that he was turned down for a place on I'm a Celebrity because he is one.

Richard: Earlier on, we built an electric car called Geoff, and he was... a disaster. And I'm not one to apportion blame, but it was entirely James's fault.

[shouting over the noise of the diesel generator in Geoff Mk II]
Jeremy: So, James, this generator is charging the batteries as we drive along?
[subtitle: So James this generator is charging the batteries as we drive along?]
James: Yeah.
[subtitle: yes]
Richard: Well, that's brilliant! It's a hybrid! We've built a Prius.
[subtitle" This is an appalling racket. We are useless at everything]
Jeremy: You don't think the producers are messing with the subtitles, do you?
[subtitle: I am a big fat bald idiot]
Richard: No, they wouldn't do that!
[subtitle: And I am a short arse]

Jeremy However, before you can do that [offer a car for sale to the public], it must pass a series of stringent EU tests. So we took the Eagle Thrust to the motor industry's top-secret proving ground, just off the A5 between Atherstone and Hinckley, near Fenny Drayton.

[Attempting to get their home-made car road certified]
Jeremy: Let's move on, and do the Pendulum Test. This is designed to measure how well a car will stand up to being sideswiped by a bus or a truck.
[The test is demonstrated on a Ford Fiesta, which is almost totally destroyed by the pendulum's impact]
Jeremy: Frankly it was hard to see how we could possibly pass this, but then James came up with a plan. [The three are shown standing by their car, which is sitting next to the lowered pendulum] A plan that would fool even the most astute EU bureaucrat.
Director: Action!
Jeremy: Wow!
James: Wow!
Richard: Wow!
[The three run away from the car, backwards, and the pendulum is raised up and away from the car]
Richard: Tuo kool!
Jeremy: So, now our car is going to face the fearsome Pendulum Test.
[The preceding sequence is played in reverse; the pendulum appears to fall towards the car]
Richard: [slurred] Look out!
[The pendulum appears to hit the car without doing any damage at all. The three presenters run towards it]
Richard: Wow?
James: Wow?
Jeremy: Wow? [voiceover] Wow, indeed. Another pass!

[commencing the "range test", with the Stig's vegetarian cousin at the wheel]
Jeremy: James? How long, realistically, are you expecting that to keep going?
James: Well, I've topped up the genny tank, so that's eight hours on the generator, and that fully charges the battery as well, so you get another hour out of those, just the batteries.
[we see Vegetarian Stig at the wheel, wreathed in a thick cloud of diesel generator exhaust]
Jeremy: So realistically, you're looking for nine hours of running.
James: Yeah.
[title card: THIRTY FIVE MINUTES LATER]
[the car is stopped and emergency crews are trying to revive Vegetarian Stig]
Jeremy: What's happened there is...
Richard: Well, the Stig's died.

[reading the issue of Autocar magazine in which the Hammerhead i-Eagle Thrust is reviewed]
Richard: Um... it says it the ride and handling section where they deal with things like the chassis, "that to all intents and purposes the Hammerhead i-Eagle Thrust has no ride or handling as such, instead it lurches around almost uncontrollably."
[audience laughs]
Jeremy: Oh, God Almighty. No, it gets worse. OK, they say that in the Highway Code, they say that the stopping distance from 70 miles an hour is 215 feet, but our car stopping from 30 miles an hour took 506... 549 feet.
[audience laughs]
Richard: Well, who's really going to do that in the real world?
Jeremy: It's ridiculous.
James: [reading] "The styling is unlikely to win fans amongst those of us blessed with the gift of sight."
[audience laughs]
Richard: Bastards!

November 29th, 2009 [14.3][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight: James wears a stripey jumper. Richard drives a stripey Lamborghini, and we name the greatest car maker in the world.

[Talking about the Gallardo Balboni]
Richard: According to Top Gear research, 47% of caravanners enjoy wife swapping. Think what will happen when the keys for this baby come out the pot! Oh, yeah!

[At Norwich airport]
Police helicopter: ...Not really aware of your intentions, but, ah... you've strayed into the controlled airspace of Norwich Airport.
James: I may be about to get a colossal aviation bollocking.

[mocking James after his flying airship caravan attempt fails]
Jeremy: And of course you had to drive it a lot more than you thought, because of the freak weather conditions that blighted James... the light breezes...

[About the Hawk Lancia Stratos kit car]
Jeremy: The interior would be familiar to Lancia fans. The pedals are nowhere near where the bottom of my legs are. The steering wheel is perilously close to where my testes used to be, before the seatbelt jammed my frank up to my lungs. The gear lever is like Bugs Bunny's ears, and one of the buttons on the dash operates the fire extinguisher... but I don't know which one it is, so I dare not touch any of them.

Jeremy: And so, belting down the M1, you arrive in Leicestershire, and there is a 20-mile set of roadworks there—20 miles—which have average speed cameras set at 50mph for the entire length. Traffic's light, there's no rain, it's three lanes, but you're forced to do 50. Now, I don't know who the Minister of Transport is, but I want him to find the man who came up with that idea, go round to his office on Monday morning and punch him really hard in the upside of his testes. Just— [mimes punching someone]bumff. 'Coz if he doesn't, I'm going to find the man, and I'm going to attach him to a milling machine, and I'm gonna see if it's possible to turn a man's frank into a perfect cube. [audience laugh] Do you know why they have the 50mph speed limit? To protect the workforce... who weren't there! They were in bed, where I wanted to be!
James: No, I agree, I agree with you entirely, but the answer is not cubing people's heads. The answer is, when the workforce isn't there, do 70.
Jeremy: Well, you're just gonna get nicked.
James: No, but if everybody does 70—
Jeremy: Okay, who here would just do 70 through a set of roadworks with an average speed camera? [only James puts his hand up] Nobody, James! You go charging through and you're just gonna get booked!
James: No, but that's fine, but you can test it; stay at 70, because that's the speed limit, take it to court, in front of the jury, and you argue, correctly, that it is wrong to apply a 50mph speed limit when there's no-one there to protect.
Jeremy: So you're saying it's logic.
James: It is logic.
Jeremy: It's logic to kill Peter Mandelson.
James: No it isn't.
Jeremy: It is. No, it is, but you can't do it.
James: Killing Peter Mandelson is a grey area. But doing 70mph on the motorway—
Jeremy: What, is it black or white?
James: —is an absolute.
Jeremy: How many people went on that anti-war march? A million. We went to war. How many people went on the countryside march? 400,000. And fox hunting was still banned. The Government's not interested in the will of the people, particularly if it's just one pedantic long-haired old queen standing up in court saying, "Oh, I did 70 'coz it's logical."
Richard: You're absolutely right, speed limits on motorways can be a pain, and there's two solutions outlined for you. [points to James] A revolution... [points to Jeremy] ...or cubing people's heads. Alternatively, you could just... leave a bit earlier?
Jeremy: No, cube their heads!
Richard: Get up five minutes earlier.
Jeremy: I haven't got five minutes!
James: It's not five minutes anyway.
Jeremy: It's five minutes a day, if you have to commute— anyone here from Leicestershire? Is anyone here? [a man puts his hand up] How did you get here—Jesus! [the camera centres on the man, who does indeed look like Jesus] Jesus is from Leicestershire! He is Jesus! Come here, Jesus! Come and join me!
[The man joins Jeremy]
Jeremy: Congratulations for—
Jesus: Thank you.
Jeremy: It's slightly bigger news than the M1, but nevertheless, we'll gloss over the Second Coming... do you commute on that bit of road?
Jesus: No, I go the back way.
Jeremy: Because of that [the roadworks]?
Jesus: Yeah.
Jeremy: So how much is it adding to your transport every day?
Jesus: Uhh... about ten minutes, quarter of an hour.
Jeremy: Ten minutes a day? That's—
Jesus: I ride a donkey each way.
Jeremy: Each way, five days a week?
Jesus: Yeah.
Jeremy: So that's an hour and forty minutes a week the Government is stealing from Jesus!
Jesus: That's right.
Richard: Now that is a small point, that—
Jeremy: Thank you for sharing that with us.
["Jesus" walks back into the audience to massive applause]
Jeremy: Gordon Brown is stealing an hour and forty minutes from Jesus!

[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say his new Christmas range of fragrances includes the great smell of Wednesday. And that he was turned down for the job of EU President, because his face is just too recognisable. All we know is he's called The Stig!

December 6th, 2009 [14.4][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight! We drive down a sewer. We power-slide across a field. And we do some other things as well.

[opening a segment]
Jeremy: What if you're mad? What if you can't walk past a window without being overcome by an uncontrollable urge to lick it?
[laughter]

[Describing the new BMW X5 M]
Jeremy: The results are as dramatic as putting a furious weasel in your underpants.

[Also on the BMW X5 M]
Jeremy: This car would be less annoying to eco-mentalists if its engine ran on sliced dolphin.

[Describing an outfitted Range Rover they have in the studio]
Jeremy: And here is the really amazing bit. This is what's called a "self-replenishing drinks cabinet". For the first year you own the car, when your drink supplies are getting low, they come 'round and top them up free of charge!
Richard: Wow! Wow!
James: Do I have to buy the car, or can I just have the self-replenishing drinks cabinet?
Jeremy: Honestly, I tell you what: if I bought this car, the diesel in the tank after one year would be exactly the same as it was when it came.
Richard: You'd still be in the same field. I tried drinking the diesel but then the man arrived with more champagne! I just want one of those!
Jeremy: No, it is. I mean really and truthfully, this is the car to buy if you are sensible... or if you're a drunk!

[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that the drinks cabinet in his car contains fourteen different types of custard. And that while he has been known to leave his house in a bit of a hurry, he's never once hit a fire hydrant. All we know he's called the Stig!

[Talking with Guy Ritchie]
Jeremy: Now obviously - I'm sorry about this - I'm sure a lot of people are going to expect a lot of tittle-tattle about Madonna. Can I just say? This isn't Loose Women. So there'll be none of that. This is Top Gear and I'm more interested in your love of winching. [to audience] No, I'm not kidding, ok. You like - what's it called? Off-green-laning? Off-roading?
Guy: Green-laning and a bit winching. There's nothing like a good winch. As you know, It's a thing. I mean, it's quite a nerdy undertaking.
Jeremy: No, no, but there is. Because there are people who deliberately get stuck... [Guy smiles and nods] Don't tell me you're one of those? So you winch yours- you do don't you?
Guy: I mean, if you're into winching, you get stuck.
Jeremy: And so then you can get out - winch yourself out?
Guy: Yeah, well, if you don't get stuck you can't winch, so you deliberately look to get stuck.
Jeremy: I just find that fasci- cause what's the big appeal of winching a car?
Guy: It doesn't make any sense at all. Why should you want to get a car stuck and then get it out? But I gotta tell ya - it's a lot of fun. I can't believe I'm talking so much about winching.

December 20th, 2009 [14.5][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight! I get scared half to death on our track. We host our own arts exhibition, and the world champion is in our Reasonably Priced Car.

[testing the Noble M600]
Jeremy: This down here is exactly the same switch that a pilot uses in a Tornado fighter-bomber to fire the missiles. It was specifically designed so it couldn't be used by accident, and that is a good thing. Because in here what it does... is turn the traction control off. ...Aah! I wish I'd kept it on! Oh, I really wish I'd kept it on!

Jeremy: Some say that you shouldn't go round to his house for your Christmas lunch unless you enjoy the great taste of seagull. And that the reason he always wears a helmet is because a man once smashed him in the face with a model of Salisbury Cathedral. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

[on the Aston Martin Rapide]
James: All this is yours for 140,000 pounds. Now that is quite a bit more expensive than Porsche's four-door, the Panamera, but, there are two very good reasons why you should choose the Aston Martin. Firstly, and unlike the Porsche, it does look rather magnificent. And secondly, most importantly, this is quintessentially British. Despite the fact that it's made in Austria. Which I think is in Germany.

[Jeremy accidentally sprays himself in the face with some RAC-branded perfume]
Jeremy: MY EYES!
[Richard laughs]
Richard: You cretin!
Jeremy: [also laughing] I'm blind!

James: Look at this! It's a fork on one end and a 10mm ring spanner on the other!
Richard: [Pointing at James] And the best thing is, there is another spanner in the middle, look!

[examining an unofficial Richard Hammond calendar]
James: Why are you drunk in all the pictures?
Richard: Well, I don't know, I haven't seen - looks like all the pictures were taken coming out of awards ceremonies, so yes, I probably was drunk.

Jeremy: Why does everything always get broken in our Christmas thing?

[David Coulthard and Jeremy's painting-with-an-F1-car experiment ends with Jeremy being hit in the testicles by high-speed paintballs and collapsing to the ground screaming]
Jeremy: ARGH! Argh, God! My plums!
David: I'll tell you, I'm not giving him mouth-to-mouth, that's for sure.

David: You sprayed my helmet!
Jeremy: You shot one of my testicles- Oh, I see, that helmet!

David: Can we edit the spin out?
Jeremy: Yes, we can edit that out.
David: You promise?

Jeremy: Right, red for the blood.
Richard: Erm... mate? What? It was supposed to be what's inside the car.
Jeremy: How'd you know if there isn't a horse's head in the boot? (Shows a painting of a beheaded horse's head on the boot)

[Jeremy has been taped to a chair to keep him out of the way while Richard and James cut a Vauxhall Astra in half with a plasma lance]
Jeremy: I could help.
James: You can't do this with a hammer.
Richard: That's exactly why you're taped to a chair.
Jeremy: This is like a scene out of Reservoir Dogs.
Richard: Don't give us ideas.
Jeremy: Guys?
Richard: What?
Jeremy: Where did you find that car?
Richard: Well, it was just outside with all the rest of them for this.
Jeremy: 'Cause it says here, RJ04 RWZ, it's a rental car.
[Richard stares in horrified disbelief.]

[Richard Hammond is talking to a number of radio stations near Middlesbrough about himself when he should've publicised the car art exhibition in the Mima gallery, Jeremy Clarkson is listening to this while driving the art car to the Mima gallery and is hysterical with anger]
Jeremy: I'M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK!
[We switch back to Richard Hammond, he is currently talking about the game show Total Wipeout]
Jeremy: TOTAL WIPEOUT IS JUST IDIOTS FALLING OVER, TALK ABOUT OUR ART EXHIBITION!

[During half-time, the presenters have returned to change their football shirts after James May made a mistake by giving them Newcastle shirts as it was a Middlesbrough vs Nottingham match]
Jeremy: We apologise for that terrible mistake, we have an art exhibition at the Mima Gallery, we have Ferreris, Lamborghinis, Richard Hammond's Land Rover!
[The spectators cheer]
Jeremy: Oh and there's one more thing, Nottingham, you can't come!
Jeremy: [voice over] The away supporters responded with good grace...
[Richard Hammond was expecting items to be thrown at them, but was amused when the Nottingham supporters jokingly chant "You fat bastard!", directed by Jeremy Clarkson]

December 27th, 2009 [14.6][edit]

Listed as the Top Gear: Bolivia Special

January 3rd, 2010 [14.7][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, the stupidest car in the world. A Vauxhall you might actually like. And who has won what in the Top Gear awards ceremony?

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he has to take his shoes off with an Allen key. And that his new year's resolution is to eat fewer mice. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

Jeremy: We now have to do the news and that's impossible, because it's not the week you think it is.
Richard: No, it's actually December, December 9th.
Jeremy: Yes, it really is. You see we had the studio booked for today, and we've had to use it even though we know you're in 2010.
Richard: This is the past.
Jeremy: This fly flying around here has actually died by the time you watch this. [laughter]
James: The real problem is obviously, that between now and when you're watching this, there's really anything could have happened. Somebody could have invented a car that I don't know, runs on jelly. We might have declared war with France... [pauses to smile suddenly]
[laughter from Jeremy and the studio]
James: So, instead of the news, what we're going to do, we're going to take a look ahead to some cars that are coming out — this year.
Jeremy: This year. This year.
Richard: Yes!

James: A car I'm really looking forward to is the new Saab 95, here it is.
Jeremy: Unless of course Saab went bust in the last two weeks.
Richard: Oh god, which is a real possibility!
Jeremy: Tell you what seriously, James, James, really. Do this two ways, we will edit it.
James: Yeah.
Richard: Cover yourself.
James: [cheerful tone] A car I'm really looking forward to is the new Saab 95. There it is [car shown on the monitor]. [solemn tone] A car I was looking forward to was the new Saab 95. [laughter] That's what it was going to look like. They say —
Jeremy: No, they said.
James: What?
Jeremy: They said.
James: Oh, yes. They say, or said, that it's based on a jet fighter, or was, but it isn't wasn't. [laughter] It's actually based on a Vauxhall. You can or could get three engines, or maybe you could get three engines. The best of which was or is a 2.8 litre V6. That will start at about ₤25,000. It looks great.
Jeremy: You know what James, why haven't you got a Saab?
James: Because they've gone bust.

[while fastest Star in a Reasonably Priced Car Brian Johnson gives his acceptance speech in the monitor]
Brian Johnson: Thanks very much for this wonderful honour and for this fabulous trophy. [chuckles] You must have spent a fortune on this! [points to the trophy name plate] My name's Brian, not "Brain". And that's an ice hockey player on top of there, look, but never mind. This'll do me for now. So have a great time at Christmas and I'll see you soon, guys. Thanks, everybody. Bye-bye.
Jeremy: Brain Johnson!
Richard: Well, I'm sorry.
Jeremy: That's the worst thing we've ever done.
Richard: It was cheap. It was cheap.

[During the Golden Cock Award]
Jeremy: There was the time when James May, whilst following the Range Rover camera car, somehow managed to lose sight of it for a moment and then start following an entirely different Range Rover. And he failed to notice for an hour that it didn't have a camera crew in it and was in fact nothing to do with Top Gear at all.

Series 15[edit]

June 27th, 2010 [15.1][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, on new serious Top Gear, James catches fire, Richard knocks something over, and I crash a Reliant Robin into a lamp post.

[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his discharge is luminous, and that even as we speak, he is appearing on the main stage at Glastonbury performing his most famous hit, Superstition. All we know is, he's called the Stig!

Jeremy: I don't believe that, the most exciting thing I've ever seen and some idiot at Television Centre cut to an advertisement for a stupid little Korean hatchback.
James: It's a good job ITV didn't cover the moon landings. 10 foot. BEEP. Five foot. BEEP. [singing] If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit...

[During the News]
James: Everybody, good news! Wait, it's better than you think! The new Dacia Duster is coming to the UK! (Crowd cheers and applauses)

[During the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car segment]
Nick Robinson: Wow, I like the smell of burning rubber. God, it's addictive!

July 4th, 2010 [15.2][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, James gets wet, an actual spin doctor on our track, and the Stig laps a Reliant Robin.

[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say there are 17 different reasons why he's banned from the Northampton branch of Little Chef, and that his favorite airline pilot is Mark Webber. Two actually, all we know of course, he's the Stig!

Jeremy: The only reason you two didn't buy a Ford Sierra Sapphire Cosworth is because you've forgot about it.

Jeremy: Come on, I'm the tallest thing here.
Richard: It's not as bad as you think actually!
Jeremy: I'm trying to be killed by lightning!
Richard: What?
Jeremy: I'm trying to be killed by lightning!
Richard: Sorry?
Jeremy: ... Are you deaf?!
Richard: Sorry?

[When arguing over the fact that Richard's BMW M3 E36 car is more spacious than Jeremy's Ford Sierra Sapphire Cosworth and James' Mercedes-Benz 190E 2.3-16 Cosworth by the judges]
Jeremy: This is ridiculous!
Richard: The judges' decisions are final!
Jeremy: Say, say the BMW is the most spacious because it was made in Bavaria. It's...that's, that's like saying, "Who's the tallest Top Gear presenter? It's Richard Hammond because he's from Birmingham!".
Richard: No! It's not!
Jeremy "Who's the fastest driver of the three? It's James May because he's wearing his Mum's curtain!"
Richard: No, it really is, it really is the most spacious car. That's the fact, and that's the judges' decision, live with it!

James: Hey! Good news! No, I have secured some top secret film taken inside the factory of the new Dacia Duster being made.
Jeremy: Excellent! Excellent! [quickly] anyway..

[On the Porsche 911 Sport Classic]
James: Here it is. Porsche call it the Sport Classic, but I prefer to think of it as, "Now that's what I call the best of the 911 Volume 1".

[On the Porsche Boxster Spyder]
James: There's more, or rather less. There is no standard air con. The door handles are being replaced by these little bits of rag, and they even dished the piece of plastic that goes on top of the instrument. What Porsche do, is they...they leave a lot of things that you should get on the Boxster on a shelf, in a factory, and then they charge you more for not giving them to you.
James: This is a really happy car. It's full of vibrant energy and enthusiasm, it's a bit like of those really stupid dogs, I bet if you threw a ball, it'd chase after it.

[The ADAC Test Results]
Richard: What would be a good score on this? A new car will score, a good car?
ADAC Man: 150 points.
Jeremy: I will go first with my score. Are we ready? 58!
James: 58. That's good. (looks at the results) 19!
Jeremy: 19? That's not so good.
James: No.
Jeremy: Hammond?
Richard: 6!
(James bursts in laughter, followed by the ADAC Man.)
...
Jeremy: Would you say the BMW is dangerous?
ADAC Man: Yes.

Jeremy: [voiceover, with the scene showing Richard Hammond driving very slowly] This had a dramatic effect on the way Hammond drove.
Richard:(slowly) 6? I don't know how you could score less. Would have to have, like, wheels missing. Or a tiger in it.
Jeremy:(mimicking the opening sequence) Tonight, on first gear. Richard Hammond drives across Germany in a deathtrap.

July 11th, 2010 [15.3][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, Richard drives a muscle car, I wear some unusual trousers and there's a wizard in our Reasonably Priced Car.

[Comparing the three luxury supercars' looks]
Jeremy: You've got [Pointing at the Aston Martin Rapide] the ballet dancer, [Pointing at the Maserati Quattroporte GTS] the hitman, and... [Pointing at the Porsche Panamera]
Richard: Someone who's just been found at the bottom of a lake after two weeks.
Jeremy: Yes. And THAT [pointing at the Maserati] is the man who threw him there. [Richard and Jeremy laugh]

Richard: Wait, I wanted to drive the Maserati!
Jeremy: [In a high-pitched voice, while driving away] Toodalooooooooo!

[Trying to adjust the settings in the Maserati Quattroporte GTS]
James: Manual, semi-automatic... oh, these are the weapons! [In the back, Jeremy and Richard laugh]

[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that if you hold him in the wrong way he doesn't work properly. (laughter) And that just recently, he developed an irrational hatred of Rubens Barrichello. All we know is he's called the Stig.

July 18th, 2010 [15.4][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, I wear a hat. Richard wears a hat. And James wears a hat.

[During the news]
Jeremy: It has been wrongly assumed that blind people can't drive.
James: Well, they can't.
Richard: Yeah, realistically they can't...
Jeremy: No, no, no. Blind people can drive. Just mostly into things.

[after arriving in his modified Land Rover Cottage at the start point, Fleet services on the M3]
Richard: And here it is. I´m genuinely genuinely proud of it.
Richard: (voiceover) But before I had a chance to talk you through, Jeremy arrived. In what appeared to be a block of flats on top of an old Citroen.

[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he spent all week daydreaming about what Rubens Barrichello would look like in a ham slicer. [laughter] And that he's terrified the BBC will reveal his salary, because he's paid in strong pornography. All we know is, he's called the Stig!

Richard: [After describing the problems in his Land Rover] Mind you, compared to Jeremy's design flaw...
[The camera cuts to the front of Jeremy's car, which is swaying from side to side rather violently due to the height of Jeremy's "flats"]
Jeremy: [trying desperately to control his Citroen] Ahh! Ahh! AHHH! Oh my God! No, this is terrifying! I can't begin to describe what this feels like. Oookay, wallowing quite badly. [narrating] I asked James to pull in behind to assess the gravity of the situation... but he wasn't much help. [the camera cuts to inside James' car, where James is roaring with laughter.] And to be honest, nor was Hammond. [the camera cuts to inside Richard's car, where he is also in complete hysterics.]
Jeremy: I've cocked up, I know I've cocked up. Wahaaa, low bridge!
Richard: [over the walkie-talkie after Jeremy cleared the bridge] Jeremy, did you make a note of how tall it actually is?
Jeremy: [to himself, muttering] No, I didn't. [over the walkie-talkie] Yes!
Richard: He hasn't got a clue.

[Jeremy sees he is being overtaken by a huge lorry]
Jeremy: [gasp of horror, then] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
James: [over the walkie-talkie, after witnessing Jeremy swerving frantically to maintain control and avoid the lorry] Jeremy, can I just say, this is the biggest entertainment I've had on a road journey in my whole life! It's absolutely hilarious!

Jeremy: [lifts the Citroen's bonnet] Holy moley! What manner of terrible thing has happened under my bonnet? It's actually had diarrhoea, is what's happened here.

[at the beach]
Richard: I, um, have had to leave some of the panels at the camp site. Well, all of them, pretty much, and that, um... [we see Richard inside the back of the Land Rover, which has no panels] ...has sort of compromised privacy, rather. [a crowd of men on the beach watch him] Yeah, they're not gonna go, are they?

Jeremy: Sitrep. Don't like driving my Citroen, don't like sleeping in my Citroen, almost certainly won't like cooking in it either.

[Richard Hammond has set fire to his motor home while trying to cook part of a three-course meal, and it has spread rapidly after failing to extinguish it]
Jeremy: He's actually set fire to metal, how's he done that?!

[after they leave the campsite]
Jeremy: [over the walkie-talkie] James May.
James: [also over the walkie-talkie] Jeremy Clarkson.
Jeremy: What's it like driving around under a bucket of your own faeces?
James: Are you going to fall over today for our entertainment? [Jeremy laughs]
Jeremy: [as they drive over a bridge and his block of flats starts to sway again] Woah!... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

[while Jeremy is supposed to be getting an ice cream for James and Richard...]
Richard: [narrating] While Jeremy was gone, I'm afraid we hatched a plan.[speaking to James] You see where it drops away to the edge of the cliff?
James: Yeah.
Richard: If we pushed his car there, just park it on the edge. He won't be able to go forwards obviously...
James: I know what you're thinking.
Richard: ...He'd never back it up.
James: That's brilliant!
Richard: Go on stick it down there, 'cause he'll see it from the bottom, he'll see the tower on the edge. [laughs]
James: He's taken the [keys].
Richard: Well push it, push it, push it!
[they start to push Jeremy's block of flats to the edge]
[cut to Jeremy who is licking an ice-cream on the pier, with the three cars on a cliff in the far background]
Jeremy: That's good. [takes another lick] That's very good.
[cut back to James and Richard]
James: The handbrake's off.
Richard: Just get it, just get it right to the edge...
James: Yeah yeah.
Richard: I reckon if we...
James: Oh hang on...
Richard: That's not...
James: Oh f***..!
[cut to Jeremy]
Jeremy: In weather like this, amongst scenery like that, holidaying in England...[takes a lick of the ice-cream]...even in a motor-home does make sense. [to the cameraman] Is that alright?
[as he's saying this his block of flats tumbles over the cliff, disintegrating into rubble in the process]
Jeremy: [seeing the crew look behind him] What?[turns to look, sees the wreckage of his car lying on the beach, and turns back] What's that?

July 25th, 2010 [15.5][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, Cameron Diaz in our reasonably-priced car! I repeat: Cameron Diaz in our reasonably-priced car! And she's brought Tom Cruise along!

[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say the Scottish released him a little bit too soon. (crowd laughs) And that he spent all week pushing an effigy of Rubens Barrichello through his desk fan. All we know is, he's called the Stig!

August 1st, 2010 [15.6][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, Richard wears a towel, James and I eat some crisps, and a fly is in our reasonably-priced car.

[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he's recently been releasing pop records under the pseudonym of "Lady Gaga", and that under his racing suit, he also wears a red g-string and suspenders. All we know is, he's called the Stig!

[On Jeff Goldblum's lap]
Jeremy: Here's what a little bird has told me, you did the entire lap, apart from the start, in third gear?
Jeff Goldblum: Well, this is the first I've heard that that might not be advisable. [laughter]

Jeremy: [to Richard] Could you just make that go a bit further in the back?
Richard: [adjusting Jeremy's seat belt] I don't want you to ever say that to me again!

Richard: Has The Stig ever been to a car wash before?
Jeremy: No, it'll be a whole new experience for him.

December 21st, 2010 [15.7][edit]

[After Richard introduced his Porsche GT3 RS]
Jeremy: What you've brought, mate, is a knife to a gunfight.
Richard: How do you make that out?
Jeremy: Let me explain, OK? Premiership [pointing to James' Ferrari 458 Italia], Premiership [pointing to his Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG], [pointing to Richard's Porsche] Johnstone's Paint Trophy.

Jeremy: Can I just say how nice it is to be the elder statesman here with the grown-up car?
Richard: With those doors? "Look at me, I'm an eagle and I'm here!" Can you get an optional extra where you hit a button and CO2 flows out as you get out in a Darth Vader costume?

Jeremy: [high-fiving the lady] High-five! [high-fiving the mayor] Never high-fived a mayor before.
Right, chaps! Little drive. And I solemnly promised, with my hand in the air, that we'd wouldn't go fast.
Jeremy: [voiceover] Sadly, though, we forgot.

Jeremy: Hammond, what is it that happens you drive a Ferrari 458 very fast — on a hot day?
Richard: I believe it catches fire.
James: Yeah, yeah, only a few have caught fire.

James: [voiceover] Because my car didn't catch fire, Jeremy got bored and became a yobbo.
Jeremy: How do you get the arse to kick out on this thing?

[After Richard and James leaves behind Jeremy to go to the hotel]
Richard: Not going to be the same without the big ape, is it?
James: What a bin lid, honestly!
Richard: He is a yobbo, though, isn't he? Four laps and he'd trashed it just by messing about. He doesn't think ahead.
Jeremy: [over the radio] I can still hear you, you short arse! [Richard laughs]

[During the news]
Jeremy: And the big news is, James and Richard have both had a horrible accident with a Flymo.
Richard: No, no, listen!
Jeremy: You must have noticed.
Richard: No - it was the end of my mid-life crisis, so I lost the hair. I'm done.
Jeremy: And you actually think it's ended, dressed as Adam and the Ants?
James: He's Sergeant Pepper.
Richard: I've moved on.
James: What would you do if I sang out of tune, Hammond?
Jeremy:You can shut up, because in that film, you looked like Ted Nugent and now you look like Kojak. Where's it gone?
Richard: It is noticeable, mate.
James: That from a man, ladies and gentlemen, who presumably was bald until puberty.

Jeremy: Ah, now, Rich, would you like some pussy? [laughter]
Richard: [looking confused] Well, it wasn't on my mind right now, it is now. I... Eh?
Jeremy: Pussy... Energy Drink. [showing off the canned drink]
Richard: [laughing] I see! I did wonder.
James: What flavour is it?
Jeremy: Flavour? [checking the can]
Richard: Leave it! Leave it!
James: Steady on, man. Leave it!

James: Blind hill! Aaaaaargh!
Richard: Aaaaaargh!

Jeremy: [reading from the card] At this racetrack you can do so much more than race your car. You can also, for instance, learn... Learn how to do a drive-by shooting.

James: Is that man walking along playing with his testicles?

[Explaining his version of Olympics to Danny Boyle]
Jeremy: OK, what I'm seeing, OK, the gates come open, the gates are on fire. Some Jags come in, XKRs. On full opposite lock, on fire. And the guy, instead of having a torch, on fire, what if the whole man is on fire? He runs along and leaps into the big saucer-y thing with the flames and that goes on fire. The crowd could be on fire... Every single thing. Because then it could be like Top Gear.

Jeremy: [on the TV studio's identity] Could be Good Morning America. That is a big show. Hammond will be desperate to get there first. Because ever since he was a fetus, he's been destined to appear on American television. With his teeth and his hair and everything.

James: This burst of acceleration could decide who goes on American television!

Series 16[edit]

January 23rd, 2011 [16.1][edit]

[during the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, a dog won't go in a car, a clipboard falls over, and a man from Liverpool is on our track.

[In the opening scene, where Jeremy is talking about the iPlayer]
Jeremy: ...and isn't the iPlayer [stutters] brilliant...[pauses for a few seconds]...art...om when it freezes...[freezes as if buffering]...oadband connection. Er, what I'd like to do is shove it up British Telecom's...[freezes again before he can finish; cut to him dithering further back]...e start tonight with the Ariel Atom. Now there is a new, much fa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-[scene cut]-aster version, which has come along recently...

Jeremy: Forgive me for saying this, but a good looking chap such yourself tends not to be funny.
John Bishop: [looks at Jeremy] ...You are funny.

[checking the leader board]
Jeremy: Tom Cruise is the fastest, and then Cameron Diaz...
John Bishop: Oh, I've always wanted to be on top of her.
Jeremy: [applauses]...

January 30th, 2011 [16.2][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, a sausage gets burnt, a sheep falls over, and our track is all wet.

[On the Mini Countryman]
Jeremy: It's just stupid. It's the stupidest car I've ever seen. And it gave me crabs.
Richard: What?
James: Crabs?
Jeremy: I meant cramp. Why did I say crabs? How can a car give you crabs?
Richard: I don't know! Tell us!

Jeremy: We know Saabs are driven by architects, yes? We know Audis are driven by people who play golf. We know Land Rover Discoveries are driven by murderers.
James: Ah, now...
Jeremy: What?
James: I'm going to have to pull you up on that, as I think you'll find murderers drive a Renault Espace.
Jeremy: Well, Kenneth Noye was a murderer, he had a Land Rover Discovery.
James: So he may have done, but Harold Shipman drove a Renault Espace, Fred West drove a Renault Espace, Peter Sutcliffe drove a Renault 16.
Richard: That's only because the Espace hadn't been invented.
James: Exactly.
Jeremy: This is a Top Gear top tip. If you're a policeman and there's been a murder in your area, simply arrest anyone who has a practical Renault. [laughter]

[After Jeremy has driven the Ferrari 599 GTO]
James: You know what, when you were driving with the traction control off, it looked pretty much undriveable.
Jeremy: It was. The thing is, though, after I made that film, I went to Italy with it. I drove it in the dry, and it was a lot better, but, all the time, you can sense it's plotting on new and exciting ways of killing you. You know Cato?
James: What, from the Pink Panther?
Jeremy: Yeah.
James: That's my favourite comic character, pretty much.
Jeremy: It's like that. You go around the corner. You think "Yes, I've got this, I'm holding this well." And suddenly, it goes into a massive tail slide.
James: Not now, Cato.
Jeremy: It is. You go back to a hotel room at night thinking, "Is it in the mini bar? Is it on top of the wardrobe?" You know it's going to leap out and attack you at any moment.

[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he doesn't understand the word "envelope". And that he is the only woman in Britain not to have slept with Alan Johnson's policeman. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

[While eating burnt sausages between bread cooked by Jeremy, James and Richard]
Shane Jacobson: Hmm! My grandfather was burnt less than that when they cremated him.
James: Did you know that barbecue is an ancient Aboriginal word for diarrhoea?
Ewen Page: Well it will be after we eat this I tell you that!

February 6th, 2011 [16.3][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, a fat man gets murdered, a donkey gets overtaken and James wears lady's underwear on his head.

[In Albania]
Richard: This is the perfect car for the job.
Jeremy: ...you can't say that.
Richard: What?
Jeremy: You can't say that word, the 'C' word.
Richard: Well, I didn't, did I?
Jeremy: [laughs] no, not that 'C' word, the other 'C' word.
Richard: ..."Car"?
Jeremy: Yes. You can't say that. Car here means... "Gentleman sausage".
[...]
Richard: But we do a car show!
Jeremy: Yes, but you can't say car. Or peach.
James: Peach?
Jeremy: Don't say peach.
Richard: What does that mean?
Jeremy: [gestures] "Lady garden".

Richard: And I have never experienced a car this big, and so powerful.

[having replaced a Bentley with a Yugo "for complicated reasons"]
Jeremy: It is the most expensive penis of the three, two hundred twenty thousand pounds, and from where I'm sitting, it's hard to see why.
[...]
Jeremy: [bouncing up and down] This has to be the least refined car I've ever driven. This is simply intolerable. Two hundred twenty thousand pounds for this!

[to Albanian mechanic]
Jeremy: [gesturing] So, running, then stop.
James: That describes most breakdowns really.

[Trying to fit a very large "dead body" in the back of a car]
Jeremy: This was hopeless. So rather embarrassingly, we had to ask the man we'd murdered to give us a hand.
[Man stands up, climbs in]

[During their "bank heist" test, Jeremy and Ricard steal the Mercedes-Benz S65 AMG and the Rolls Royce Ghost, leaving him with the Yugo as his only means of transport, he is not pleased with this]
James: What a pair of utter cars!

February 13th, 2011 [16.4][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, our track's a bit foggy, a man eats a snack, and we move about in a caravan.

[during the forensic test]
James: They've actually already discovered that your car used to belong to a Muslim man from Birmingham.
Jeremy: What, they can tell that just by swabbing the seats?
James: No. They found this letter in the foot well.
[Jeremy laughs as James reveals it]

John Manlove: [talking about the results of Richard's car] Again, the steering wheel had what turned out to be saliva staining on it. And lastly, we have pubic hairs, [James snorts] and, uh, faeces present.
James: [laughs]
Jeremy: I'm sorry, did you just say the word "faeces"?
John Manlove: What certainly appeared to be faecal matter, yeah.
James: That's poo, isn't it?
Jeremy: That's poo. It's...
James: [to Richard] Your car's got poo in it.
Richard: Is that... normal?
Jeremy: It's like driving around in a Morroccan prison, in the front of his car? [voiceover] After the forensic test, my colleagues were very distressed.
[James is wearing surgical gloves and a mouth mask in his car, Richard is wearing a hazmat suit in his]
Richard: Oh, God!

[during the Pagani Zonda R review Jeremy points out that the Zonda R is not road legal nor can it be used on a track]
Jeremy: [voiceover] So, if it's not for racing, and it's not for the road, what is it for? Well, this.
[cut to the Zonda R being driven very fast]

[after the build quality test with Jeremy's convertible, he gets out]
Jeremy: [his voice is high-pitched from breathing helium] Right. I just have to say, that's a stupid test.
[Richard laughs]
Jeremy: [still in a helium voice] It is stupid. It's just a test of how big your lungs are.

February 20th, 2011 [16.5][edit]

Jeremy: Tonight: Richard wears a blue hat, James wears a different hat, and I wear a hat with things on it.

Jeremy: You know when you drive behind the gritting machine and say "Oh no, it's turning my car into a DeLorean!"

[The Top Gear Presenters are driving through a Norwegian town and are testing the "de-icing" implement of their "Snowbine", which is essentially a flamethrower. Naturally, this makes Jeremy very excited.]
Jeremy: [a la Arthur Brown] I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE AND I BRING YOU...
[he sends out a jet of flame behind the Snowbine]
Jeremy: ...FIRE!

[while trying to clear a ten-mile mountain pass, the Snowbine goes into a tank-slapper and causes Hammond to fall over backwards whilst shovelling grit, Jeremy laughs]
Richard: [screams] I've lost my wedding ring!
Jeremy: What?
Richard: I've lost my wedding ring!
Jeremy: Has it gone in the thing?
Richard: It must have done!
Jeremy: [voiceover] Soon, though, we had bigger things to worry about than Hammond's ring. [not in voiceover] Oh, hang on.
[the Snowbine crashes into a massive heap of snow in front of it and comes to a stop]

Jeremy: If you think about it, a combine harvester is designed to never work in the snow, or in the rain, or on a hill. It's always flat ground on lovely summer's evenings. It's out of its comfort zone here. [voiceover] Which meant that sadly, so was I.
[Jeremy is shovelling snow off the snow blade]
Jeremy: Jesus!

[On the start-stop-automatic of the BMW M3]
Jeremy: [voiceover] In a straight line, it's no faster than the standard car. And around the bends it feels ... exactly the same. Except of course when you eventually spin [showing a spinning M3 with smoking tires] it'll assume you'd have arrived at a set of lights and cut the engine.
Jeremy: [shouting] Why have you done that? Nobody arrives at a set of traffic lights backwards in a cloud of tire smoke! [mumbles] Stupid thing!

February 27th, 2011 [16.6][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Tonight, a spaniel in a moon buggy; A fat man in a Kia;
John Prescott: Woah, there she goes!
Jeremy: [voiceover] and a race against the Lord God Almighty. [spoken in the car] Come on!

[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his favourite disease he had when he was a child was gout. [laughter] And that he was very surprised this week when he was able to pick up some remarkably cheap tickets for the Bahrain Grand Prix. All we know is he's called the Stig!

Series 17[edit]

June 26th, 2011 [17.1][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard Hammond buys a cup of coffee; James May slips on some snow...
James: I hate snow.
Jeremy: ...and we show a picture of Steve McQueen.

[on the MG 6]
Jeremy: I don't think the factory where it's being made in Longbridge is modern at all, because I've got the press release they sent out here and it says the first car was driven off the line by the only woman who works there.
Richard: That's not very modern, is it.
Jeremy: No.
Richard: Did they go on to say, "and best of all, she has a smashing pair of knockers!"
James: Don't tell me, it says next "Don't worry chaps, we'll let her drive it off, but we won't let her park it!"

[on the BMW 1M]
Jeremy: So, what do we got here? Well, there's a straight-6 engine at the front, a manual gearbox in the middle and drive goes to the back. That's page 1, chapter 1 from the Petrosexual Handbook.

Jeremy: Ladies and Gentlemen, we ARE not worthy, please welcome Alice Cooper!

July 3rd, 2011 [17.2][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: I find a bicycle in a river; James annoys a dog; and Richard jumps over a dyke!

Jeremy: This is a place of screaming engines and tire smoke. It is a cathedral to the god of thunder and the mistress of power--the natural home then--for James May.

[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he can't eat mashed potato, for religious reasons. And that he recently received 47,000 tickets, Olympic tickets, all of them... for the final of the women's wrestling. All we know is, he's called The Stig!

Jeremy: But — but I think there is a problem with this car... because they've called it... The Growler.
[laughter from the audience]
Richard: Yeah. Now... now, we... we... we Googled growler [laughter] and we were quite surprised and a bit shocked by what it turns out to mean.
Jeremy: And do you know, Richard, I've forgotten what it is. What does it mean? Can you tell the ladies and gentlemen?
Richard: Well, you know those... big welcome mats you might see on a girl in the '70s? [laughter]
Jeremy: That's what it is!
Richard: Yeah.
James: Why would you name your car after that?
Jeremy: Honestly, James, I don't think they knew. I think they're sitting in Zurich, or wherever they are. This is the first time they've realised that growler means that in England. And they'll be sitting going, "Gott in Himmel! Wolfgang, ve have accidentally named ze car after ein Fraugarten!"
[laughter from Richard and the audience]
James: Look, the car, the Growler... is it based on an XK? Has it got four seats?
Jeremy: No, you can't get in the back.
[brief pause then laughter from Richard and the audience applauses]
Jeremy: Everybody's turned over to Countryfile.
Richard: What? What?!
James: I'm not, uh, I'm not sure they're going to sell very many of those.
Jeremy: No, neither do I. There's another reason why. It costs £670,000.
Richard: Ouch!
Jeremy: Yeah. There probably will be a trimmed-down version later, but I bet you... [laughter] just for the Brazilian market.
Richard: I'm sorry. It's called a Growler.
James: There's a bloke at some point who is going to say, "I'm just going outside to wax the Growler."
[laughter from Jeremy, Richard and the audience]
Jeremy: Wax the Growler.
Richard: Oh, you dirty bugger!

Jeremy: [trying to say he can't get out of the car in Italian to 2 service station workers]
[subtitle: My prawns don't function]

July 11th, 2011 [17.3][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, I talk to two old ladies; Richard makes a phone call; And James sniffs his own armpit.

[while testing the McLaren's suspension on the corner of Bentley Bend on the Top Gear test track]
Jeremy: You'd get more of a jolt if you drove a Rolls-Royce over a Jaffa cake.

[while reviewing the McLaren MP4-12C]
Jeremy: When you drive a Lamborghini it's like you're operating a horse with some mustard stuck up its bottom, but when you drive this — it's like you're operating the sort of machine they use, I imagine, in ophthalmic surgery

Jeremy: The McLaren, then, is like a pair of tights. Very practical and very sensible. The Ferrari, though, that is a pair of stockings.

[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he refuses to acknowledge the existence of Nottinghamshire. And that he recently received a very strong e-mail from his fiancee's mother saying it's bad manners to sit at the dinner table in a helmet. All we know is he's called the Stig!

Jeremy: What kind of bird can have a gallon of guano in its gut and still take off and achieve sufficient altitude to defecate on my Range Rover?!
Richard: A big one!
James: Maybe it was a flying cow.
Richard: What?
Jeremy: James, you really do live in Hammersmith, don't you?
Richard: We should bear in mind this is the man who believes cows lay eggs, and he does. He said that on the show.
Jeremy: You say that —
James: I said eggs come from cows.
Richard: Well, you see...

Jeremy: It is genuinely unbelievable that that car [pointing to Richard's Bentley Turbo R] costs exactly the same as this car [referring to the Nissan Pixo]. Of course, we're not thick. Well, he is [points to Richard]. But even he knows that the Bentley was hand-made in England — and saying something was hand-made in England is just a way of saying the door's going to fall off.

Richard: Subaru Impreza, in budget, in the correct blue with gold alloys. Lovely.
Jeremy: WRX, this one.
Richard: It is, yes.
Jeremy: Could you get an STI — in budget?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: P1.
Richard: No.
Jeremy: RB5.
Richard: Now you're just saying letters and numbers.
Jeremy: SK1?
Richard: That's the postcode for Stockport.

[In Jeremy's Mercedes-Benz CL 600]
Jeremy: Let me just try the linguatronic, make sure that's working OK. [to the radio] Radio Two.
Male Voice on Radio: Capital. Radio 4. News Direct.
Female Voice on Radio: Cancel.
Jeremy: That's working brilliantly. Exactly like every linguatronic system I've ever encountered. Total disobedience! [laughs]

July 17th, 2011 [17.4][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, I use a machine. James writes on a blackboard. And Richard lobs fruit into a caravan.

[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he once hacked into his own helmet, and that he thinks Harper Seven is a convicted terrorist cell. All we know is he's called the Stig.

[During The News]
Jeremy: Yes, there's just one problem with the launch control. It is the stupidest thing ever fitted to a car.
Richard: Why?
Jeremy: No, seriously, when you think about it, what you have to do to engage it, right, a series of switches. Then you put your left foot on the brake, plant your right foot hard down on the accelerator, yeah, and when the lights go green you take your foot of the brake and it goes. Computer sorts it out, as you say. So, OK, you're at the lights, [imitating loud engine noise] MEHHHH! And everyone's looking at you thinking, what an unintelligent man. [laughter]
Richard: It does makes a bit of a scene.
Jeremy: It does really.
James: You know what the most uncivilized thing you can do with a car — is to use launch control at a zebra crossing. [laughter]
Jeremy: MEHHHH! Come on, old lady!
Richard: It would hurry 'em up!
Jeremy: Can we just say one other thing as well, about launch control? Only one of us has it fitted to our car.
Richard: Yeah, true.
Jeremy and Richard: Is it, no, it's him! [both point at James, who smiles sheepishly]
Jeremy: James May has launch control.
James: Yeah, but I don't use it.
Richard: Really?
Jeremy: You don't say!
James: No, it's —
Richard: Are you sure? Every time you leave the pie shop, "Thanks for the pies, I'm off! MEHHHH!"

Richard: I always struggle throwing boxes away.
Jeremy: Why?
Richard: Well because if you take the washing machine out of it, and fit that in your kitchen, and there's the box, all crisp and new and empty and I can't help but look at it, and part of my mind sees the potential. You look at it and you think, wow, that could be, like, a castle, or a — you've been there! [laughter and awkward looks from Jeremy and James] Or a den, or a like car. I'm the same with shoe boxes. I don't think I've ever thrown one away ever, because you think, I could keep special things in it, or put it on it's side and you could have, like, a TV screen, or maybe you could use the big box as a spaceship and then the little one as a dashboard. Come on, you've been th-!
Jeremy: Richard? Are you all right? Seriously, because this is a man, with, there's no other way of putting this, with a helicopter licence.
Richard: The CAA said I was alright.
Jeremy: I know but, the CAA, if they're watching this, will think, "He's a madman!"
James: Well, it's not a real helicopter — it's just the box his fridge came in.
Richard: Yeah, alright. I just make the noise! [laughter and applause]
Richard and James: [both imitating helicopter rotor noise]

Railway Executive: [shouting over the noise] How do we communicate in an emergency?
Passenger: You've got to shout!
Railway Executive: [louder] Is there a communication cord to stop the train?
Richard: Yes, yes, yes.
Passenger: Where is it?
Richard: I'm going to check it, as I'm about to ask the driver, Mr. May, to slow down a little bit, just while we're serving the drinks.
[Richard proceeds to open the front window]
Richard: [shouting] James! JAMES!

Jeremy: [voiceover] Meanwhile, I'd caught up with the idiots, but I couldn't get past due to a railway network design fault.
Jeremy: Even here, we're stuck behind caravans!
Jeremy: [voiceover] If I'm honest, though, that wasn't the most immediate problem.
[the camera angle adjusts to show that a passenger is using the Scum Class's external toilet seat]
Jeremy: Oh, for God's sake! Oh, this is really bad. A member of the working classes is taking a dump in full view of the editor of Railway Express Magazine. [the group are promptly rained on by the man's urine] Oh, whoa! No! Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm very sorry about this! I can't just keep driving along like this. I'm backing off.
Jeremy: [voiceover] I decided to go back in search of some points where I could change tracks.
Jeremy: I do apologize. I do apologize!

Jeremy: [voiceover] Meanwhile...
Richard: [over the PA system] ♪ La la la la la la la la la la la la la! ♪
[annoyed looks from the passengers]
James: Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis. It's my Tannoy.

[After Jeremy's Sports Train nearly collides with an actual diesel locomotive]
Jeremy: Some poo's come out!

James: [over the PA system] Ladies and gentlemen, please brace yourselves. The incompetent steward is about to pour tepid coffee into your crotch.
Richard: [over the PA system] For Christ's sake, James! Stop making f***ing announcements! That's my job! I'm the steward! You drive, I steward!
James: It's my train! The driver makes the bleeding announcements! That's the way it is!

Jeremy: [approaching James and Richard's train] James!
James: What?
Jeremy: Your train's on fire.
James: Is it?
Jeremy: Yes, it is.
James: Right.

[as Richard and James extinguish the Buffet Car fire in a rail yard]
Richard: Listen, if you ignore the fire, and the fact that we didn't get where we wanted to go, it was incredibly noisy, and the fact that all the passengers have run away...
James: Apart from that, it was a resounding success.
Richard: Yeah, I think we can only judge it as a success. It worked as a train. We came up with something new and unique and brilliant.
James: Well, I think as a concept it is...
Richard: Oh, hello. [waves to approaching train]
James: [waves, continues] It's quite nice. But the fact is...
[the train passes by and destroys the Scum Class car]

July 24th, 2011 [17.5][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, I talk to a man in sunglasses. James draws a square on a wall. And Richard plays with a soldier's chopper.

Jeremy: [voiceover] The foam fitting was rather disturbing.
Jeremy: Why — what are you doing? You're in my actual anus. That was my actual anus that you put your hand in.
Jean Alesi: It is a part of the programme!
Jeremy: Things that just happened that I didn't think would happen today. Jean Alesi, who I used to hero-worship, is playing with my genitals.

Jeremy: Hammond, I suspect the driving position has got you in mind in a Scorpion.
Richard: Is that what this is?
Jeremy: Yeah. £30,000. That's what it costs.
Richard: [climbing into the Scorpion] Already, I'm seeing buildings just fall down of their own free will.
[All three laugh]
Jeremy: Didn't James Blunt use one of these in Kosovo?
Richard: [from inside the Scorpion] It's got pedals! There are pedals.
James: I thought he had a guitar.
[Jeremy and James checks out a tank next to the Scorpion]
James: It's the Stormer.
Jeremy: Yeah, the Stormer. Now, come on.
James: 20 grand, maximum.
Richard: Stormer! That's a good name.
Jeremy: £20,000. So this, or a Ford Focus.

Jeremy: [voiceover] Mostly, they talked about health and safety so we thought we should too.
Jeremy: Don't have an accident.
Richard & James: Don't have an accident.
Richard: If you do have an accident, remember... it was an accident.

[Jeremy Clarkson decides to try using explosives to speed up the demolition of one of the houses they've gone to demolish]
Jeremy: FIRE IN THE HOLE!
[The explosives are detonated, there is a lot of smoke and dust, but all that falls is the door of the house which is otherwise intact]
Richard: (a la Michael Caine) You only blown the bloody door off!

July 31st, 2011 [17.6][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, James asks a girl for a favour.
Girl: [slowly] No.
Jeremy: Richard listens to a man. And I polish a bishop.

[on The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his favourite T-shirt has a picture on the front of a T-shirt. And that he spent all week waiting for a big cheque from the Germans, because he too has spent the last 2,000 years sitting on his backside doing absolutely nothing at all. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[while checking on the Peugeot iOn]
Jeremy: That's not a very big boot. You wouldn't get a dog in there. [brief pause after realizing what he just said] Discussing luggage space is like I'm back on old Top Gear.
James: Can I get a beard?

Jeremy: [voiceover] And what's more, the Leaf can even deliver your own personal Greenpeace lecture.
[short jingle]
Jeremy: It's talking! [looking visibly surprised while it speaks]
Electronic female voice: By the 12th of May, electric cars worldwide saved a total of 344,000 eco-trees.
Jeremy: What!?
Electronic female voice: And 659 tonnes of carbon-dioxide has been reduced.
Jeremy: What do they mean? What's an eco-tree? What are you saying woman?

Jeremy: These days eco-ism is seen as cool. People like James May and me, petrol heads, we're — we're dinosaurs really. So if you have one of these cars with zero emission and full electric plastered down the side, you are more likely to get a girlfriend. [voiceover] You just have to hope she doesn't live at the other end of the country.

Jeremy: Use some of your charm. It will begin with the word "hello". Ready? [imitates James] "Hello."
James: Hello. We were just wondering, we're trying to... We've got two electric cars.
Waitress: Right.
[camera cuts to Jeremy, who is a short distance away from James]
Jeremy: James has a way with women. I should imagine he'll be able to talk her into it, no problem at all.
[camera switches back to James]
James: ..it's going to take 12 hours.
Waitress: [slowly, after a long pause] ...No.

[while brass rubbing in the Lincoln Cathedral]
Jeremy: I would never normally be brass rubbing — and do you know why I've never done it? 'Cause all the cars I've ever owned have been powered by petrol or diesel. Look [points to his rubbing], it's Hammond, only in a diving bell.
James: It does look a bit like Hammond, actually.

Series 18[edit]

January 29th, 2012 [18.1][edit]

Jeremy: Has anyone here seen the theory test? Anybody?
Audience: Yeah.
Jeremy: You have? Because most people of our age haven't, and none of the questions have got anything to do, as far as I can work out with driving. Now let me - can I give you some examples? [looks briefly at Hammond] You can answer this. "An elderly person... [gestures to himself] An elderly person's ability could be affected because they may be unable to...?"
Richard: Eat toffees.
Jeremy: No.
James: Get an erection. [laughter]
Richard: [looks at Jeremy's jeans] Wear jeans! [laughter]
Jeremy: Funny. "Where's the safest place to park your vehicle at night?"
James: In a police station. [laughter]
Jeremy: Right, we've got a picture here. We'll bring up this picture. [screen shows school keep clear markings] Right. When - This is a real question, OK? "You must not stop on these road markings because you may obstruct... what?" [laughter]
Richard: Landing aircraft!
Jeremy: I mean, seriously, that is a question. He's managed to fail 92 times on that one.
Richard: Those are not questions to pass your driving. Do any of them say, for instance, can you drive a car?
Jeremy: No, no. I'm in the book now. This is what you buy your teenage child when they're learning to drive. "At an incident, a small child is not breathing. To restore normal breathing, you should breathe into their mouth, A sharply, B gently, C heavily, D tenderly?" [laughter]
James: It doesn't say "tenderly"!
Jeremy: I made "tenderly" up. Nothing to do with driving!

Jeremy: What I love about this, though, is it's called the Kubang, which, being a Maserati, is the noise it'll make the day the warranty runs out!

Jeremy: I bring all this up, OK, because when did it happen that somebody decided that driving was so unbelievably hard, you can't do it while doing something else? You know like listening to Ken Bruce's pop master, or talking on the phone. Honestly, I can't think of anything that I couldn't do while driving... apart from reading a broadsheet newspaper. I wouldn't be able to do that.
Richard: Sawing a piece of wood.
Jeremy: I could do that.
Richard: You can't, you'd need to hold your wood — [making sawing movement]
Jeremy: No, no, you put it between your legs. You can still operate the pedals. You could saw.
Richard: Um, sewing on a button. You need both hands to really do this fiddly —
Jeremy: I could do that.
Richard: You could not!
Jeremy: I could!
Richard: You know you can't sew on a button with a hammer?
Jeremy: I know how to sew. Actually, while we're on the subject, did you see that case recently... a woman who was stopped by the police after they caught her driving down a motorway while... causing herself to have pleasure. [laughter]
James: I bet you can't drive in a sleeping bag. [laughter] Actually, I'm not sure. Actually, I'm going to take that back. I think you could drive in a sleeping bag if you, if you...
Richard: You couldn't drive in a sleeping bag.
James: I bet you - I bet I could.
Richard: You can't!
James: I bet I could drive in a sleeping bag.
Jeremy: Right, there you go. Right, you're on! Some time this week, before next week's show, I'll take you on round the track. You drive in a proper cocoon sleeping bag with your arms in it...
James: Yeah...
Jeremy: And race me, and I'll sew a button on my shirt.
Richard: Oh let me guess... I've got to drive whilst performing an act on myself.
[laughter and applause]
Jeremy: No.
Richard: It'd be a short race!
Jeremy: We'll leave you out of it.
Richard: Can we make it a 50 yard sprint — [breaks down to laugh]

James: It's just suddenly hit me, that I'm driving across Italy in a supercar, and I've got another one to look at!

Richard: Oh, no, he's going on the phone. Oh, no. Oh, no...
Tow truck driver: [speaking Italian on his phone]
Richard: Well, that's that, then.

Tow truck driver: OK?
Richard: OK! Yeah. ...Still, it is under four hours to Rome. ...Just.
Man: [speaks Italian]
[subtitle: What the f*** is this guy on about?]

February 5th, 2012 [18.2][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, I do a skid. Richard steals some tyres. And James get kicked in the face.

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he's the only man in Britain who knows what B&Q stands for. And that he can't give his million-pound bonus back because he's already spent it... on French breast implants. All we know is... he's called The Stig.

[While test driving the XF15OZK-4]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Having mastered the gearbox, it was time to open up the single-cylinder 12-horsepower engine.
[Both Jeremy and James lean back unwillingly & repeatedly every time Jeremy speeds up]
James: The acceleration just... is blinding! It's like a safety device. You accelerate too hard, your feet come off the pedal.
Jeremy: Hold on to your spine. [over rough roads] Ah!
Jeremy: I mean, 2004, this car was launched.
James: If I'd shown this to you and asked you when it was built, when would you have said?
Jeremy: 1957.
James: I would say it was older than me.
Jeremy: Yeah.
James: [over rough roads] Ow! Ow!
Jeremy & James: Poor quality!
Jeremy: Come on, redeeming feature, James. There must be a redeeming feature.
James: Uh... It's character-building.
Jeremy: No, 'cause I mean this...
[Engine suddenly dies]
Jeremy & James: Oh, no!
Jeremy: [after failing to restart the engine] I think our test drive's over.

[On Chinese Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he's the Stig, but he isn't. He is the Stig's Chinese cousin. [Chinese Stig kicks open a door behind them] Now, I should explain, driving is his second favourite thing.
James: What's his first favourite thing?
Jeremy: Attacking people. He does it a lot. He's constantly at it.
[Chinese Stig proceeds to attack Jeremy, James, the director and the camera crew until Jeremy and James persuade him to go into the Guangzhou Trumpchi]
Jeremy: That's the worst Stig we've ever had.

February 12th, 2012 [18.3][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, I drive around a field. James measures a runway. And Richard lays a cable.

Jeremy: So you're saying, the Fiat Panda's good because it crashes more easily?
[Laughter]
James: Yes.

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he has 50,000 photographs of his own camera. [laughter] And that 60 years ago this week, he, too, became a queen.

Jeremy: So bearing in mind you can't jump off a bridge without breaking your back, was skydiving the perfect hobby to — to take up? [laughter]
Ryan Reynolds: God, you're like my mother!
Jeremy: Old enough!
Ryan Reynolds: Just killing me! My friends were trying to get their license, so I decided I would get my license, skydiving, and I did 12 jumps, which were all highly successful.
Jeremy: And then it was 13.
Ryan Reynolds: And the 13th one, I had a problem, where the chute didn't open, and I had to pull the reserve. But the weird thing is, when you're in a situation like that, you're flying down at 120 miles per hour, and when your chute doesn't open,you seriously have to think about pulling the other one. That's the weird thing. Like time slows down and you're thinking,
"But if I pull the other one, then I'll have none left." [laughter] "So, I'm just going to wait to see if something happens."
And sure enough, at the last minute, I pulled the reserve chute, which you can't steer, and I ended up landing in a field which ironically contained only a dead horse. I don't know what omen that is. Usually, it's a black crow that tells you you're going to die, but I just landed next to a dead horse.

February 19th, 2012 [18.4][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, I wear a hat. James wears a hat. And Richard is behind a low wall.

James: This is a 1928 Le Mans-bodied 4.5-litre Bentley. Brian really does use this every day — he uses it to go down the shop for a pint of milk.
Brian Johnson: Go on, me son! Born to do it!
James: [voiceover] Despite the mangled gear changes, I was very much enjoying living in the past.
James: I can feel a moustache growing! God, the smell is tremendous. Hot castor oil. Well-known laxative, I'll probably have diarrhoea by the time we get there.
James: [voiceover] Brian, however, wasn't coping so well with living in the future.
[In the Fisker Karma]
Brian Johnson: Oh, Christ, now what happens? I'm getting near the bottom of me battery level, oh my word. Right, now... And... That means I have to do something, and I'm... Bugger. What... What the heck is that? I'm trying to follow James's instructions, which were as clear as mud.
[James is seen driving past in the Bentley from inside the car]
There he goes, flying by with his thumb up! He's having a whale of a time and I'm trying to figure out this computer thing.

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: To find out, we need a man skilled in the potent cocktail of big horsepower and little grip. And luckily, just such a man is arriving now. He's not the Stig's Alpine cousin, he's just The Stig.
[The Stig is seen arriving in a hovercraft]
Apparently he's come all the way across the North Sea in that.

[upon seeing James turn up on his mobility scooter, resembling a wheelchair] Jeremy: Crikey! Stephen Hawking has arrived.

[Jeremy's out-of-control Pro Rider mobility scooter is seen going down hill and eventually crashes into some trees while off camera Jeremy helplessly shouts a meme]
Jeremy: Fenton! Fenton! Fenton! Oh, Jesus Christ!

February 26th, 2012 [18.5][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, Maserati brings some V8 thunder to our track, Mercedes brings some smoke and we wave goodbye to Saab.

Richard: James then said he reckoned he could drive a lap of our track in a car, whilst in a sleeping bag.
Jeremy: Can you?
James: Well, let's find out.
Jeremy: Oh, here we go.
James: Here I am driving along, in a Suzuki Swift, exactly as you were.
Jeremy: And are you wearing normal clothes, James?
James: No, I'm in a sleeping bag!
[from inside the car]
Shuffling wheel. Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.
Jeremy: Now just tell me, was it easy?
James: There was only one problem actually...
[from inside the car]
That blithering idiot Hammond has turned the heater up to full blast because he thought it was funny. And of course I can't reach the knob.

[While test driving the Mercedes-Benz C63 AMG Coupe Black Series]
Jeremy: Through the corners there's just no way that I can keep up with the man in the Maserati because he is driving a racing car and I... I'm wrestling a mad yellow bear! This, honestly, is Winnie The Pooh with road rage.

[In the Maserati GranTurismo MC Stradale]
Jeremy: If you take the gearbox out of race mode and put it in everyday "going to the shops" auto, it sits down there, in the bowels of the car thinking,
"Now, he's just pulled that lever, that means I have to do something. What is it? I have to bake a cake? No... Mow the lawn? No... I know! I am a gearbox! He's pulled the lever, that means he wants third!"
It's so dim-witted and slow in normal mode, it makes the whole car feel like it isn't joined up properly.

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he is the only man in history to buy a DFS sofa when there wasn't a sale on. And that his favourite boxing venue is Munich Airport. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

March 4th, 2012 [18.6][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, we get very cold and wet. I re-enact the Battle of Britain.
Alex James: Oh, nuts.
Jeremy: And there's a Blur in our reasonably-priced car.

[While waiting for Richard in his Morgan Threewheeler to pass by]
Richard: Come on, my little three-wheeled friend.
James: Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen.
Jeremy: Here he comes
James: Doff your hats. Roll out the barrel.
Jeremy & James: [dancing and singing Any old iron] Any old iron, any old iron, any, any, any old iron...
Richard: I am going to give it the full Stirling Moss. Ya-a-ah!
Jeremy: Did you see him clinging on with his elbow? You could see the sinews in his arm.
James: The sound is from the 1930s. Did the picture go black and white as he went past?

Jeremy: I'm not having you judging.
James: What?
Jeremy: You can't play a game of Monopoly without cheating.
Richard: No, you can't. He did cheat at Monopoly.
Jeremy: I played these two at a game of Monopoly and he [points at James] cheated!
Richard: We played for four hours and you cheated!
James: I did not cheat!
Richard: You ruined the game! You made it - you robbed the bank!
James: There was a... [laughter] There was a bank robbery. But you don't get those in Monopoly and I thought it would make it more authentic if the bank was robbed.
Jeremy: What?
Richard: You stole it!
James: I've played the role -
Richard: So you're a cheat, a liar and a burglar!

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he stores all his shoes and his cassette tapes on the motorway central reservation. And that since he can easily stay quiet for two hours, he's wondering why he didn't win an Oscar. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

March 11th, 2012 [18.7][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, Raikkonen...
Kimi Raikkonen: Oops.
Jeremy: Evans...
Chris Evans: Can't believe it.
Jeremy: Slash... and bash, as we do proper motor racing.

[While Jeremy goes over his favourite quotes from Kimi Raikkonen]
Jeremy: There was the famous one when Michael Schumacher got his lifetime achievement thing in Brazil, from Pele, and Martin Brundle said, "Did you see the ceremony?" You said no because...
Kimi Raikkonen: I was busy. [laughter]
Jeremy: "Taking a dump," is what you said.
Kimi Raikkonen: I mean, I told the truth, a true story, so...
Jeremy: I fell off my chair laughing! [laughter] I like this one. "The helmet has a special meaning for many drivers. How important is it to you?" You said, "It protects my head."

Jeremy: You stole the hat?
Slash: Yeah. Then I went next door and stole a poncho belt and cut it up and put it around the top and I've been wearing it ever since.
Jeremy: You do know this show is shown in America?
Slash: It's OK. It was long enough ago that the statute's up by now.
Jeremy: OK, so you're going to get away with the stolen hat. There's some gossip we didn't know. Slash wears stolen clothing.

Richard: Why does it say 1 + 2 = 2?

Jeremy: [voiceover] And, with that sorted, we got to know the other drivers.
Jeremy: I notice from the entry sheet you're all called Gary. [laughter]
Girl: I'm not! [laughter]
Jeremy: Yes... Do you mind if I call you Gary, just to keep everything clear?
Girl: No, that's fine. Just keep it simple.
Jeremy: OK, but who is called Gary? [two men raise their hands] You're Gary, you're Gary and you're both in my class?
James: You are racing in Gary class... [laughter] so you are Gary Clarkson.

Jeremy: [voiceover] Next up in the stock hatch class was Professor Richard Hammond, who was still trying to get to grips with the scoring system.
Richard: Six plus one equals one, because that's the result they carry forwards... which means I could end up in final C, which... C comes before A... I'm just going to drive around as fast as I can.

Jeremy: Come on, Gary! Gary, I'm going to get you! I've got Gary up my chuff here and I'm trying to take Gary on the inside. [voiceover] Then the super-modified Garys put me in my place. [the car behind Jeremy rams him on to the grass] I may be off the track slightly here.

Jeremy: James May is... there's no other word for it... winning! [literally after a few seconds, after another car rams him] Oh, he's gone off, look.
Richard: [laughs]
James: [in the car] Right, now I've got some racing to do. [turns on the wipers, only to smear more mud on the windscreen] Cock!

[After Slash performed Jessica at the end of the show]
Jeremy: I'll tell you what. He's a lot better at that than he is at driving.
Richard: And he's quicker!

Series 19[edit]

January 27th, 2013 [19.1][edit]

[While accelerating in the Pagani Huayra]
Richard: Oh, dear God! Naught to 60 in 3.2 seconds and then on into space...That is savage! Savage, savage thing! I can't get enough of that. I'm gonna do that again.

[On the Huayra's handling]
Richard: Amazingly, you can corner this car like a halfwit and come out the other side alive. And that's because, in the Huayra, the black art of aerodynamics is watching over you...It doesn't feel big, like a Lambo, and it's all been set up so well and made so stable that even I can corner it hard without hiding in the glovebox whimpering.

[Concluding his review of the Pagani Huayra]
Richard: There might be some people watching right now who could actually afford one of these things. And it's the job of you, me, and everybody else to stand around and join together in a chorus: DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that we have at least thought of a new way of introducing him. But we haven't. It's The Stig!

[On the Pagani Huayra]
Jeremy: The Pagani...Pagani Hu, Huuuuuuin.
Richard: Huayra.
Jeremy: Huummugh. It's a stupid name!
Richard: Why is it stupid?
Jeremy: It hasn't got any consonants in it. Consonants are the meat of the language; if you had no consonants in your name, you'd be...I-a. And I'd be...Eeeee.
Richard: People have waited a long time for us to come back, and that's it.

[While going into a theatre in the P45]
Jeremy: This is the joy of a P45. Everything is a drive-through.

[Refering to those performing "Radio Ga Ga" during the musical "We Will Rock You"]
Jeremy: Not a single gay man on that stage.

[Jeremy pitches his P45 idea to the wealthy investors of Dragon's Den UK]
Jeremy: You must come and have a look.
Evan Davis: [voiceover] Theo Paphitis decides to take a closer look.
Theo Paphitis: Jeremy. It's s***.
Jeremy: It isn't!
Theo Paphitis: It is. Totally and utter s***.
Evan Davis: [voiceover] Theo Paphitis thinks Jeremy's car still needs work.

Evan Davis: [voiceover] Theo Paphitis is out, which means Jeremy's only chance is Duncan Bannatyne.
Duncan Bannatyne: [Scottish accent] Well, Jeremy. I'm the last Dragon in. I tried to tempt them by making an offer, hoping they would come in with me.
Jeremy: Sorry, I can't understand a word you're saying.
[looks of disapproval from all investors]
Duncan Bannatyne: That is... I'm out.
Evan Davis: [voiceover] Jeremy has insulted Duncan Bannatyne, and now he too is out.

February 3rd, 2013 [19.2][edit]

Jeremy: Tonight, I point at a thing, Richard walks through a shop and James has some bananas.

Jeremy: Not again. Hammond, why do you like it in America so much? Every nice piece of road has an 8mph speed limit on it.
Richard: I don't know, don't ask me, it's not my fault.
Jeremy: Yes, it is. I mean, what are we going to hit? What are we going to hit here? There's nothing. No wildlife, no people. This is stupid. It's stupid!
Jeremy: [voiceover] Eventually, though, the 35mph hour limit ended, and thanks to some trickery in the edit, we were able to take our cars up to a dizzying 55mph.

Jeremy: (After he was over taken by a pick up truck in a drag race) That's there?!

[During the Aerial Laser Quest Challenge]
Jeremy: They're just shooting at me because my car's Japanese!

[Jeremy decides to use the LFA's destination assistance during the Aerial Laser Quest challenge]
Woman: Lexus Enform, this is Cheryl, where would you like to go today?
Jeremy: I'm being attacked by fighter planes!
Woman: I'm sorry, can you repeat that?'
Jeremy: Yes, I'm being attacked. There are fighter planes and I'm trying to get away from them. Do you have any suggestions?
Jeremy: [voiceover] She didn't. And as a result, the game became a turkey shoot.

Jeremy: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Woman: Lexus Enform, this is Sonia, where would you like to go today?'
Jeremy: Yes, hello, I've accidentally painted a gentleman's sausage on a storm drain.
Woman: Oh, my.
Jeremy: Yeah, I need to run away.

February 10th, 2013 [19.3][edit]

Jeremy: Tonight, I stop for petrol, Richard wears some sunglasses, and James sees some shirts.

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that, following the vote on gay marriage, he's got engaged to James May… 's lawn mower. And that he's become convinced this week that Henry IV is buried under the Follow Through.

[After posting the Toyota GT86's understandingly poor lap times]
Jeremy: But, once again, we must turn to the baby Jesus who once said, "He who shall be last, shall be sideways and smiling."

James: I haven't been on a night bus since the late '80s, but when I did, it wasn't like this.
Richard: I was envisaging a sea of sick, sloshing from side to side.

[In the Shelby Mustang GT500, Jeremy found a fault]
Jeremy: [voice over] And nor, as it turned out, was the Mustang's voice activated telephone directory.
Jeremy: Richard Hammond.
Female Computer Voice: For media device, say, "User device, USB line in" or "Bluetooth audio". For settings, say, "Phone or Voice settings". For sync services, say, "Services". If a route is active, you can say, "Next turn", "Update route", "Route status..."
Jeremy: [angrily] Shut up!
[later]
Female Computer Voice: Or see the tips available at www dot say my route dot com.
Jeremy: [shouting] Please, stop talking!

[On Amy Macdonald's success in various European countries]
Jeremy: Do they understand what you're on about there?
Amy Macdonald: Erm, most of them understand. I have had the odd strange comment. One in particular was, "Now that you're successful, will you learn to speak English properly?"
Jeremy: And will you?
Amy Macdonald: I still haven't!
Jeremy: Sorry, Scotland! Couldn't help myself! Couldn't help myself!

Jeremy: Sitrep, I've eaten my last pork pie… and I've eaten all my sausage rolls.

February 17th, 2013 [19.4][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, James draws on a board, Richard waves at a man, and I run away from a table.

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he contains 47% horse. [laughter] And that to concentrate more on his work here, he's resigned, this week, from his other job in Rome.

[On the Peugeot Onyx concept car shown in the studio]
James: It looks absolutely fantastic and you'll notice that some of the bodywork is made from copper. Just like the boiler tubes on a Gresley A4 Streamliner Pacific Locomotive.
Jeremy: [hurriedly] Yes, James, yes, yes.
James: And it's actually untreated copper so over time, it'll turn green … unless a scrap metal merchant removes it in the night.
Richard: Inside they've continued the theme of using unusual materials, so the dashboard is made out of recycled newspaper. I'm guessing they'll have used the Guardian for everything on the left and the Telegraph for everything on the right. Actually the newspaper is good because it means there is no need to Bluetooth your phone to it; The dashboard will already have listened to your messages for you.

[During the half time of the Kia Cee'd and Sportage car rugby]
Jeremy: [voice over] And, in the dressing rooms, we had the obligatory team talks.
Jeremy: Right, chaps, we are fine athletes, I think anyone can see that. But there is a lot we can learn from actual rugby players. [gestures to the whiteboard behind him] This was drawn up for a recent match they played and this is what I want you to concentrate on in the second half. "Mindset", "Go for it", "Enjoy it", "Never give in". OK? And I think we can add a fourth to that, which is [writing] "Ram James May". OK? Ram him whenever you see him and ram him hard. Really hard.

February 24th, 2013 [19.5][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, I hold up a jar, James points at a hill, and Richard eats a sandwich.

[While working on the Rover James, a car made exclusively for the elderly people, Jeremy shows off his modified speedometer]
Richard: Brilliant — so it only reads 20 even if they're doing 80 miles an hour.
Jeremy: [correcting Richard] 115. [imitating an old woman] "I'm only doing 17 miles an hour," so they're happy. The people stuck behind, whose wives are in labour and they have meetings to get to, they're happy. Everybody wins.
Jeremy: [voice over] I was also rather proud of my old-people-friendly rear fog light.
Jeremy: This will be mounted in the car, this is the switch. So as soon as it starts a little bit of light drizzle, the elderly person turns on the rear fog light and then what happens round the back is… absolutely nothing at all.

Jeremy: [voice over] Hammond softened the suspension and I installed a pet cage.
Richard: A cat bolted to the roof?
Jeremy: I'm not bolting the cat, I'm bolting the cat cage to the roof and then it'll be up here and I won't get asthma.

[While driving Rover James]
Jeremy: Now, listen, I've got a couple of questions for you. First of all, this. [making squeaking noise]
Richard: Yeah. Underneath the brake pedal, I've fitted one of these, [holding up a squeaky rubber ball] so you know which pedal you're hitting.
Jeremy: Oh, I see! So there's no chance of unintended acceleration.
Richard: Yeah, that's a big problem solved.
Jeremy: Am I pushing the right pedal? [squeaking noise] Yes, I am! There's an audible reminder! That's brilliant!
Richard: Not only that, but the nature of the noise…
Jeremy: Yes, it's funny. When it comes to cadence braking… [rapid squeaking noise heard]
Richard: Oh, that is lovely!
Jeremy: …'cause a cadence-braking situation is a panic situation —
Richard: Yeah, it's bad.
Jeremy: — but that sprinkles some comedy into it.

[While playing bingo]
Richard: I've never concentrated so hard in my life.
Caller: Two and eight, 28.
Jeremy: Oh! I'm literally wetting myself!
Caller: One and five, 15.
Jeremy: It's coming out!
Caller: All the sixes, 66.
Jeremy: Oh! Say 86!
Caller: Six and five, 65.
Jeremy: Oh, boll —!

[While trying to get an elderly woman into the high seat chair of the Rover James]
Richard: See, in the advert for the chairs, we were told they were very easy to get into and out of, you know.
Elderly woman: Get me bottom round.
Jeremy: Shall we get a nurse to do this?
Elderly woman: No, I'll do it if it kills me!
Richard: Well, we'd rather it didn't!
Jeremy: I was going to say —
Richard: There's a lot of paperwork.
Elderly woman: I'm so sorry.
Richard: Can I help at all?
[She finally manages to get in properly]
Jeremy: Well done, with both our dignity nearly intact!

March 3rd, 2013 [19.6][edit]

Listed as the Top Gear: Africa Special

March 10th, 2013 [19.7][edit]

Listed as the Top Gear: Africa Special

Series 20[edit]

June 30th, 2013 [20.1][edit]

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he has the worlds largest collection of horse eggs, and that when he knocks Rafael Nadal out this week it wasn't during a game of tennis.

Jeremy: The Bugatti Veyron, sometimes you're using 15 horsepower, sometimes you're using only ten. This [gesturing to the Toyota Corolla he rented], you have 140 horsepower from the moment you start it up to the moment you crash it.

[While filling in an accident report form]
Jeremy: "Was Avis vehicle on correct side of the road?" Yes, I was. "Explain how accident occurred." A maniac came the other way. "State who in your opinion was responsible for the accident." Him! Him! He was mad.

[Jeremy calls James during the New Zealand race, and mistakes Sir Ben Ainslie for Sir Ben Kingsley]
Jeremy: Is it exhausting?
James: No, I want to say it's bloody uncomfortable and unpleasant, but Sir Ben Ainslie is sitting next to me, so I can't really say that.
Jeremy: Can you congratulate him for how good he was in both Gandhi and Sexy Beast?

[In the current reasonably priced car, the Vauxhall Astra]
Charles Dance: [smiling] Nearly nobbled a cameraman.

July 7th, 2013 [20.2][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, I play tennis. Richard points at a minibus. And James shakes hands with two men.

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he breaks into people's houses at night and leaves two mysterious extra keys in a kitchen drawer. And that as a result of buying Pirelli condoms this week, he now has 17 children.

[During The News, Jeremy announces that he has been cycling]
Richard: I don't believe you, and I think this has become a new mystery. It's like a yeti. So if maybe somebody's seen him, if you have seen Jeremy on his bicycle, write to us, please, at "Help, I've Burst From Laughing, Top Gear, Wood Lane, wherever". I don't believe you.
Jeremy: I'm going to ride down here — No, I'm not going to ride down here next week. That's idiotic. I barely ride to the paper shop.

Richard: I'm thinking that would be an epic test. (James) in that Ferrari, (Jeremy) in the McLaren, me in that Zonda.
Jeremy: Anybody want to see that?
Audience: Yeah!
Richard: So do I. I want to do that.
Jeremy: Let's see if we can put that together.
Richard: Yeah, I want to do that.
James: But you know how people often come up to us and say, "When will Top Gear end?"
Richard: About three minutes after us three have set off.
Jeremy: Yeah, in a big fireball. Does anybody want to see THAT?
Audience: [louder] Yes!

[While test driving the Ferrari F12berlinetta]
Jeremy: Mmm! We have everything we need. Huge scenery, swooping road, no traffic. The Holy Trinity for anyone whose communion wine comes with an octane rating.

July 14th, 2013 [20.3][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, a dog looks over a wall. We drive some chairs. And The Stig does a skid in a supercharged Jag.

[During the Budget Convertibles Across Spain Challenge]
Jeremy: [in the McLaren MP4-12C Spider] So, Spain. Six million unemployed and they have a smaller population than we do. Two million households have no income at all. 57 percent youth unemployment.
Jeremy: [voice over] Right now, though, James was dealing with rather more serious issues.
James: [in the Audi R8 V10 Spyder] The cabin is too blustery. I've got both the windows up and I have the windshield thing at the back up, but my hair still whips me in the eyeballs. I know some of you are going, "Why don't you get your hair cut, then?" Lots of people have lots of hair.

[After eating Jeremy's cooking]
James: £70,000 will buy a cook.
Richard: Would it interfere with this debate if I was suddenly and violently sick?

July 21th, 2013 [20.4][edit]

[While test driving the Mercedes SLS AMG Black Series]
Jeremy: [voice over] Of course, if you turn the traction control off and stamp on the throttle, you can get it to misbehave. But you sense immediately that it doesn't want to do this. [in the car] It doesn't like that. [imitating German accent] "I am a serious racing car, English sir! Don't drive with your clown shoes on!"

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he also has a button that makes him hum, and that if he played football for Manchester United, he'd be loyal, because he's not a potato-headed oaf.

[After part 1 of the Hovervan segment was shown, in which the van sank in a reservoir]
Jeremy: Well, that was a complete catastrophe and it was all Hammond's fault.
Richard: How was it my fault?
Jeremy: Because, as predicted, those engines weren't powerful enough.
Richard: No, the problem was, and I never thought I'd say this, James's skirt was too small. [laughter]
James: No, no, I'm not having that, there was nothing wrong with my skirt. The problem was that (Jeremy) just charged into the water, as usual, like an imbecile.

Richard: The thing with hovercrafting is it's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, disaster.

Jeremy: The hovercraft has run amok in a lock!

[While going up a small weir in the Mark II Hovervan]
Jeremy: In the Shakespearean style, "Horsepower, horsepower, my kingdom for some horsepower!"

July 28th, 2013 [20.5][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight... Richard drives a new Lamborghini. James and I go on a caravan holiday. And a rock god is in our Reasonably Priced Car.

[On the Ford EcoSport]
James: Well, hang on, that's not going to work. Because we know the voice recognition in cars is rubbish. It never works, does it? So, if you just say, "The Police", it will probably actually ring the police.
Jeremy: No, it will! It will, it will! Because this car's got a feature on it that if you have an accident or get into problems, it calls the emergency services for you.
Richard: Well, that's just a recipe for disaster.
Jeremy: You'll be sitting there going, "Right, get the fire brigade," and it would play The Move! [singing] "Get the fire brigade, get the fire brigade —"
Richard: "Oh, I'm in trouble, help!" [singing] "I need somebody, help!" What a terrible way to die, trapped in your car, listening to all the embarrassing rubbish on your iPod.

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he's married to one of Princess Anne's hats. And that he spent all week standing outside a hospital in London pretending to be Nicholas Witchell.

[In the Mazda CX-5]
Jeremy: It's got automatic brakes! It stopped without me asking it to, 'cause it thought I was going to hit the hedge. Get in. Right, try to run me down.
James: Oh, all right. Now, if this doesn't work, you all heard him say, "Try to run me down."

[On Steven Tyler's lap]
Steven Tyler: You know what, my mum used to say don't ever be afraid: she said amateurs built the Ark and pros built the Titanic. Meanwhile, I got in this car and I was scared to death.

[While off-roading with caravans in tow, Jeremy's caravan starts to break down completely]
James: Oh, no. This is disastrous, I'm actually driving through Jeremy's caravan!
Jeremy: James, are things as bad back there as I suspect they are?
James: Well, let me put it this way, I've run over your left hand wall. Oh, and your portable lavatory! [laughs]
[A few miles later, on someone's lawn]
James: I could actually overtake now but this is too amusing. I've got to — [laughs uncontrollably]
James: [voice over] Sadly, I was laughing so much, I crashed … into myself.
James: [jackknifing] I've spun!

August 4th, 2013 [20.6][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, I point at some fields. Richard minces round a corner. And James describes his ideal night in.
James: [in a bus] Vomit and sputum, and other bodily secretions.

[While driving the Range Rover Sport through muddy waters]
Richard: I feel like I'm driving a luxury hotel room through a swamp.

[Comparing the larger Range Rover with the smaller Range Rover Sport]
Jeremy: This is bigger, and bigger, as we know, is always better than smaller.
Richard: Well, not always, not in … Not in bruises, it's not.
Jeremy: Not bruises, no. Premium Bond wins.
Richard: Heart attacks.
Jeremy: Erm … Fireworks.
Richard: Unexpected bills.
Jeremy: Ladies, can you think of anything which is better when it's bigger than smaller? [laughter]

[On Mark Webber's departure from Formula 1]
Jeremy: So are you going to miss your teammate?
Mark Webber: Am I going to miss Seb? Probably not a huge amount, no. In a competitive environment, there's always going to be a bit of needle. There's a lot of history between us two, obviously, that's gone before.
Jeremy: Did it start in Malaysia when he suddenly lost the ability to hear? It was basically "Don't overtake Mark", and then he heard everything apart from the "don't". I mean, you're an Aussie. Have you never felt tempted to … [showing his fist] "This is for Gallipoli, blam!"
Mark Webber: A lot of people are saying yes. I'm a bit concerned. My dad always says, "You shouldn't hit boys, mate", so … [laughter]
Jeremy: Good one.

Series 21[edit]

February 2nd, 2014 [21.1][edit]

[After the Supermarket Sweep with classic hothatches challenge, Jeremy's car needed repairs]
Jeremy: Yes, the handling characteristics were affected by a small accident last night with some beef stew.
Richard: Oh, dear.
Jeremy: I hit the bottom of the wheel and it's gone in. But you can solve it — [hitting the wheel bracket with a hammer]
Richard: Yes, I've seen that done. Most F1 teams do something similar. [laughs]

[While being chased by the Top Gear Police Department for a challenge]
Jeremy: Recent figures say that in London, 12 police cars are crashed every day. And the reason is, it's because they are driving in high-energy difficult situations while under the influence … of the moustache.
Richard: [chasing Jeremy in a police car] Got a moustache, got a moustache, got a moustache. [fails to corner several scenes later]
Jeremy: Oh, he's lost it! Totally distracted by his face decoration.

February 9th, 2014 [21.2][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, two swans move their heads about, I eat a shoe and James says he's not fat.
James: I'm not fat.

[While chasing the Alfa Romeo 4C across Lake Como on a Gibbs Quadski]
Jeremy: I know exactly what music we have to play now.
[Sailing by Rod Steward is played]
Jeremy: No, not that! Cue the Bond!
[James Bond Theme by Monty Norman is played]

[While introducing the McLaren P1 film]
Richard: Now, this is the brand-new £866,000 McLaren P1, probably the most advanced and jaw-dropping car the world has ever seen.
Jeremy: Hmm. The attention to detail in this thing boggles the mind. It is … It's almost science fiction. And so, there was only one place on Earth where I could test it properly. Belgium. [laughter]

[On McLaren P1's interiors]
Jeremy: But it was not what you'd call luxurious. It is, frankly, as well equipped as a pair of monk's underpants. And that's because, like the Alfa we saw earlier, this car was designed to be as fat as Iggy Pop.

Jeremy: And what I find hysterical about that is that McLaren has taken this hybrid technology, which is designed to reduce the impact of the internal combustion engine and is using it to increase the impact. That's like weaponising a wind farm. Or buying the Rainbow Warrior and turning it into an oil tanker.

[On Richard siding the Porsche 918 vs. Jeremy siding the McLaren P1]
Jeremy: Hammond, I'll do you a deal. If the Porsche is faster round our track than this, I will change my name, by deed poll, to Jennifer.
Richard: Really?
Jeremy: Yes.
Richard: Promise?
Jeremy: Yes.

February 16th, 2014 [21.3][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, I eat a cabbage, James throws a bird out of a car and Richard forgets the abbreviation for America.
Richard: USB.

[After Jeremy's film on the Zenvo STI, which ended with the car catching fire]
James: How much is this thing?
Jeremy: How much? …£800,000.
James: [surprised tone] 800?!
Jeremy: Yes.
James: Are there any upsides to it?
Jeremy: Uh, upsides, yes. The fire did get rid of the condensation in the lights. [laughter]
James: Apart from the fire?
Jeremy: Apart from the fire… Yes, it's surprisingly comfortable and very quiet.
James: Well, it would be quiet. It was broken.

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that this week he is wearing two layers of Nomex. [slow-building laughter] And that on a recent trip to Cornwall, he stopped off for one of his special big wees in Somerset. [laughter] All we know is he's called The Stig!

Jeremy: How's it go?
Richard: [quoting The Charge of the Light Brigade by Alfred, Lord Tennyson] "Theirs not to make reply, Theirs not to reason why, Theirs but to do and die."
Jeremy: "Into the valley of Death rode the six hundred."
Richard: And that is the valley.
Jeremy: That is where the Charge of the Light Brigade actually happened.

[On James Blunt's best comebacks on Twitter]
Jeremy: Don't they take a long time to think of?
James Blunt: I would say I'm spontaneous with it, but I might be lying.
Jeremy: Somebody said here, [reading] "Why have you only got 200,000 followers?" And you replied, "Jesus only needed 12." [laughter] You've got to admit… they are properly very funny. [reading] "James Blunt has an annoying face and a highly irritating voice." You went, "Yes, and no mortgage "

February 23rd, 2014 [21.4][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, I sit on a rock, James gets something in his eye.
James: Ow!
Jeremy: And Richard says, "Mummy!".
Richard: Oh, Mummy!

[After Jeremy and Richard ridiculed James for his review of Caterham 160 and Superlight 620R]
James: Have you quite finished?
Jeremy: Well, not really because there's a lot to go through but, sadly, we must now find out how fast these cars go round our track and that, of course, means handing them over to a man who can actually drive. Some say that he once put Helen Mirren in a dishwasher. And that at the Winter Olympics he was disqualified from the skeleton event for riding down the hill on an actual skeleton. All we know is he's called The Stig!

[While driving the Touring Disco Volante]
Jeremy: [voiceover] So, it doesn't feel like an 8C. And it certainly doesn't sound like one either.
Jeremy: Oh, it's the most… soulful-sounding car I think I've ever heard. It's as though the entire exhaust system is actually made out of Otis Redding.

[On the Touring Disco Volante's high price]
Jeremy: And what's amazing is that, in Singapore, you're not allowed to drive a left-hand drive car on the road. So he's paid £1.5 million for a car he can't drive.
James: He's completely mad.
Jeremy: He isn't — somebody's just paid, what, £42 million for a Francis Bacon painting. You can't drive that, either. [laughter]
James: It's not a car.
Jeremy: James, I haven't got time for your pedantry.

[After The Stig gets in a Nissan GT-R to pull tablecloth off a table]
Richard: Hold on a minute.
Jeremy: Yes, what?
Richard: So you are saying, he is going to drive across our darkened studio, peering through his darkened visor?
Jeremy: Yes.
Richard: Is this how this Stig dies? [laughter]
James: Has he done a book?
Jeremy: No, he hasn't. Right, is he ready?

March 2nd, 2014 [21.5][edit]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: [voice over] Tonight, Richard opens a glove box, James pulls a face, and I ask an important question. [spoken on camera] Have you ever put toothpaste on your testicles?

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his hair is the exact same shape as a hat. And that if he worked for CNN… [rubs his hands together as the audience laughs] …he wouldn't get such pitifully low ratings that his show got cancelled. [loud laughter and applause as Jeremy smiles broadly]

[In the Porsche 918 Spyder]
Richard: McLaren have used hybrid technology to liven up a supercar today. Porsche have used hybrid technology to save the supercar for tomorrow. This is an important car.

March 9th, 2014 [21.6][edit]

Listed as the Top Gear: Burma Special

March 16th, 2014 [21.7][edit]

Listed as the Top Gear: Burma Special

Specials[edit]

Top Gear Winter Olympics (February 12th, 2006) [S.1][edit]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: So, the Winter Olympics are being held in Italy, which when you look at the place, seems to be a bit too warm. That's why we're in Norway, a proper winter country. And we've got some proper winter sports lined up for you. So welcome then, to the Top Gear Winter Olympics. It's the Winter Olympics, speeded up a bit!

James: Anyway, you have probably noticed that TV's Richard Hammond isn't with us today and that's because he's currently appearing on commercial daytime television.
Jeremy: Yes he is, he's on live, every afternoon filling Paul O'Grady's slot. [pause; Jeremy laughs] I've just realised what I said then.
James: [laughs] I know.

James: This is speed skating. Which in the proper Olympics involves a lot of men in condoms, slithering about.

James: With Jeremy's shooting, you're perfectly safe so long as you stand directly in front of the target.

Jeremy: [producing an MP5A4 from the boot of his Volvo XC90] Not only is he using the wrong car, he's using the wrong gun. A .22 is alright when you're nine, but when you're in a hurry you need one of these: a Heckler and Koch MP5 machine pistol. That's on fully automatic... EAT LEAD Olympic target! [he fires an entire magazine in fully automatic mode and misses all five targets]

[after emptying an entire magazine at the 2nd targets and only managing to cut down a tree, he waits at the Penalty gate, hysterial with frustration]
Jeremy: STEVIE WONDER COULD'VE DONE BETTER!

Jeremy: Biathletes need to eat 6,000 calories a day: six thousand! That's the equivalent of 2 pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yoghurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 Twix bars... On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!

Jeremy: [when introducing the two wheel drive Jaguar XK] Old Jags were all full of wood and pipe tobacco, it was like being inside.. James May. But this one.. is like being inside.. James Kirk.

[testing his Land Rover Discovery on a makeshift ice circuit]
James: This is the best way to get the power of the big V8 down onto the ice: with 4WD; intelligent differentials; intelligent traction control; not just booting it, and shouting.

Richard: Up until now, Suzuki has been well known for making small Jeeps and our Reasonably Priced Car. Everything else they made is about as interesting as that pine tree.. [points to another few pine trees] or no maybe that one, that one and that one to the left.

[after learning James and Jeremy plan to rocket a mini down a ski slope]
Richard: I am staying!

[announcing an event, with the text on the sign behind him truncated]
Jeremy: ...in the "Top Gear Winter Olympics Ski Slash Car Jumping Champio!"

Jeremy: Gravity is a cruel and unpredictable mistress, so...
James: No it isn't, it's a constant all over the world.

[on building a snow bank at the bottom of the ski slope]
Richard: [to Jeremy] Yeah, it's going well. It's going well... [he slips, falls, and slides all the way down the slope]

Jeremy: I can guarantee that won't stop the Mini. Partly because it's not substantial enough, but mostly because you've built that in front of that slope, and the Mini... is coming down that one. [pointing to the other ski slope].
Richard: Right.
[Jeremy and James collapse laughing]
Richard: Righto.
Jeremy: What a complete...
Richard: I'll make some adjustments.
Jeremy: Did nobody tell you?!
Richard: [shouting] NO!! Obviously!! Or I'd have built it over there!!
[Jeremy and James continue to laugh]
Richard: That is fairly embarrassing. What I need... is a big machine.

[announcing an event, with the text on the sign behind him truncated]
Jeremy: I declare the "Top Gear Suzuki Swift Car/Ice Hockey Cha" open!"

Jeremy: Ok! The blue team captained by Captain Slow, that's primetime television. The red team captained by Richard Phillip Schofield Hammond, that's daytime television.

[Jeremy howls]
James: He's great isn't he? Give him a megaphone, he's happy!

Player: Do you have any vacuum cleaner?
Jeremy: A vacuum cleaner?
Player: Yes, clean the seats.
Jeremy: Does Top Gear have a vacuum cleaner?! No!

Jeremy: You've just let me down.
James: Rubbish. I've scored two brilliant goals whilst you've been chatting up some Norwegian woman and standing in the bar.
Player: That was my wife.
James: It was his wife.
Jeremy: Yes, it was your wife.

[While playing a game of ice hockey]
Jeremy: Hammond, in the sin bin!
Richard: I can't believe I got sin binned, for what?
Jeremy: Go on ITV, you go in the sin bin. It's that simple.
Richard: [voiceover] With me shackled, Prime Time bought the scores to 5-4.
James: [scoring a goal] Yeah!
Richard: Oh, come on, ref!
Jeremy: Hammond, you may rejoin…
[Hammond drives a few feet forward]
Jeremy: …and that's the end of the game, everybody!

Jeremy: Some time the next afternoon, it was morning.

[on rocketing a Mini down a ski slope]
James: This has never been done before.
Richard: No. We are, in fact, at the cutting edge of cocking about!

James: No one has ever done it before because they probably would be killed to death.

[At the end of the car vs. man in Arctic conditions film]
Richard: So, if you want to drive to the North Pole, buy a Hammond.

Top Gear Polar Race (July 25, 2007) [S.2][edit]

[This special episode of Top Gear is entirely a race from Resolute in Canada to the North Magnetic Pole].

[explaining the modifications made to his Toyota Hilux on what appears to be a sunny day]
Jeremy: ...then at the front, I insisted it was fitted with these powerful spot lamps, although that might have been a bit unnecessary since it is currently [looks at his watch] 11:30 pm and this is as dark as it ever gets.

Jeremy: Richard Hammond has been given Matty McNair, who is one of the world's leading Arctic experts. Me? I've been given... him.
[Jeremy points and he pulls up to James May]
James: Can I make it absolutely clear, here, now, that I'm only here because the producers said I had to be. I don't like snow, I hate being cold, I hate outdoor pursuits, I hate the idea that I've got to "push my body to find the limit," I can't stand this stupid clothing that makes this rustling noise when you move all the time, and I hate the zips, and the toggles, and all the pockets, and that and I hate your stupid truck.
Jeremy: [shushing James] Listen. If we make it, look at it this way: you will be the first person ever to go to the North Pole who didn't want to be there.

[at the Cold Weather Training Centre in the Austrian Alps]
Doctor: Should we go straight to the frozen penis?
[An image of a frostbitten penis is shown on screen, the three react in horror]
Doctor: He'd been walking with it hanging out of his trousers.
Richard: How do you walk with your willy hanging out?
Doctor: Which comes down to organisation and teamwork.
Richard: Well, it's more than disorganised!
Jeremy: It's a good job he didn't do it on the London Underground — he'd be arrested for permanently getting on public transport with it hanging out...

[Richard is helping a dog out of it's harness]
Richard: In the meantime, we'd cleared Bathurst Island. But the brutal pace was starting to fray my temper.
[he hands Matty the harness]
Matty: Thanks. Did you want to see if it fits? We need a new lead dog...
Richard: [menacingly] Well, you could try, but there's nobody else here, and I have a shovel. I wouldn't.

[at the Cold Weather Training Centre in the Austrian Alps]
Jeremy: We were then taught how to erect a tent. Our instructor was a former Special Forces soldier who arrived with a pixelated face... and he was very bossy.

[at the Cold Weather Training Centre in the Austrian Alps: after the Special Forces soldier pushes Jeremy through the ice]
Special Forces Soldier with the pixellated face: That's it. Pull your self out. Pull yourself out! Come on! Put some effort in! Don't stay there all day! Drop the poles!
Jeremy: [confused] How dare you...
Special Forces Soldier: Hands above your head, hands above your head! HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD! Okay, roll in the snow, roll in the snow! ROLL IN THE SNOW!
[Jeremy does so]
Richard: Roll in the snow, Jeremy. That will make you much better, rather than a big pink fluffy towel.
Richard: That looked awful.
James: I'm... I'm staggered.
Richard: Do you know what though, I like to think of us as a unit on Top Gear, and as a unit we've done that test.

Richard: [voiceover, as he is blown backwards by polar winds while trying to ski] Back in Resolute, I was glad I'd had the talk from Ranulph, but not so glad that I'd had a skiing lesson from Clarkson.
Richard: [to Jeremy] What?
Jeremy: You're not very good.
Richard: That's because you taught me the wrong kind of skiing! This is cross-country! You did downhill! You may as well have taught me to play the banjo!

Jeremy: Who do you think's going to win this race?
James: I think we're all going to die.

Jeremy: Let's go to the pole!

[on Richard]
Jeremy: He is a plucky Brit, and like all plucky Brits, he's going to come in second.

[trying to erect a tent in a high Arctic winds]
James: How [bleep]ing monstrous is this?
Jeremy: It's... it's, beyond... it's not normal.

Richard: The silence is... beautiful.

Jeremy: Based on... no knowledge at all, we decided to push on in our three ton truck.

Jeremy: I admire Hammond for doing what he's doing. I admire all Arctic explorers. But I think the time has now come for the world to say let's see how easily we can get to the top of Everest. Let's see how easily we can get to the North Pole. I think we could forge a career as the world's worst explorers. [voiceover] Surprisingly, James was ahead of me on that one.
James: What would really make it nice would be a gin and tonic. Would you like one?
Jeremy: What?
James: A gin and tonic.
Jeremy: Yes, I would like a gin and tonic, but we can't have a gin and tonic because we're in the Arctic Ocean.
James: I'll make you one.
Jeremy: What?
[James produces the necessary items and ingredients]
Jeremy: [laughs in surprise] You've got gin!
James: I have.
Jeremy: And because we're in international waters there's no drink-driving laws.
James: Exactly.
Jeremy: Got any ice? [looks around him and starts to laugh] That's a stupid question, isn't it?
James: Could you just slow down while I slice the lemon for the gin and tonic?
Jeremy: Now this is Arctic exploration. And please, do not write to us about drinking and driving. Because I'm not driving, I'm sailing.

[Cooking in the tent with James producing gourmet food from his hidden stash, the night before they enter the first big boulder field]
James: What would those salmon eggs go really well with?
Jeremy: Well, a crisp white, but, um, we can dream on about that.
James: Like a Chablis really.
Jeremy: Yes. So do we get... [James produces a wine bottle from behind him] Nooooo, nooooo, James! [breathes in heavily] Look what he's got! Wine! I haven't had any for days!
James: I knew you'd like that.
Jeremy: A week in Resolute and three days on the ice just surviving on only gin!

James: That's very flat over there...
Jeremy: James, we're out.
[the two get out and dance around happily]
Jeremy: [rejoicing] We've made it! [lies down on his front] It's flat! It's so smooth, and no more going up and down...! [groaning] Oh...
[voiceover]
Jeremy: It had taken three days of almost non-stop driving, but this incredible machine had breached what the experts had said would be an impregnable wall. It had taken on the impossible... and it had won.

Jeremy: The fact is, though, that two middle-aged men, deeply unfit and mostly drunk, had made it, thanks entirely to the incredible machine that took us there. They said we'd never get to the Pole because of the damage the car has already done to the ice cap. Perhaps then that's what we've proved most of all, really. The inconvenient truth is, it doesn't appear to have even scratched the surface.

Jeremy: We are now the most northern people in the world... apart from Michael Parkinson obviously.
[James chuckles]

Jeremy: [on seeing a polar bear with its cubs] Oh, it's got babies. [turns to the camera] Sweeeeeeeeeet! [voiceover] Not being Attenborough, I couldn't think of anything else to say.

Top Gear: US Special (February 11, 2007) [9.3][edit]

[on the Big Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he's a CIA experiment that went wrong, and that he only eats cheese... all we know is, he's not the Stig, but he is the Stig's American cousin!

[at a car dealer in Miami]
Jeremy: It's $2900 this. It's a big ask to get him down to a thousand. I might offer him a burger...
[the obese car dealer arrives to show the vehicle]
Jeremy: Very popular with murderers, these cars.
Obese Car Dealer: Yeah.

Jeremy: [To the car dealer] How much murdering goes on here?
Car Dealer: A lot. If you go one mile away from here- if you go to any street-
Jeremy: I'll be murdered.
Car Dealer: Yeah. Everybody up here, they got guns. Including me. Wanna see? [Pulls out a gun]
Jeremy: He's not joking!
Car Dealer: It's real- here- [takes out the magazine, hands the gun to Jeremy]
Jeremy: [takes the gun] Now, you see, I wasn't ready for that.
Car Dealer: Welcome to United States.
[cut to Jeremy walking out of a door, carrying a rifle]
Jeremy: [to camera] This is his other gun. [To the dealer] That's not a shotgun Robert, that's a rifle.
Car Dealer (Robert, I guess.): Yeah, that's a rifle. The Shotgun is... somewhere else. I don't know.
Jeremy: You need this if you're going to be a car salesman?
Robert: The guy right here, If you go two blocks down here, he got shot 5 times.
Jeremy: Why, by someone buying a car?
Robert: He killed the guy.
Jeremy: HE killed the guy?
Robert: He killed the guy.
Jeremy: So why have you got telescopic sights on here?
Robert: Because if they go far away you just shoot them. You saw the movie, John Wayne? The guy is runnning all the way, like 500 feet, and phyw! You shoot him right there.
[cut to Richard answering his phone]
Jeremy: Hammond.
Richard: Yes, Jeremy, How're you doing?
Jeremy: Just been told by my new best friend- Robert, the Persian- if you go beyond 79th street you will definitely be murdered.
Richard: [looks panicked] What?
Jeremy: Good bye. [hangs up]
[cut to Jeremy] Jeremy: Hammond is wearing cowboy boots. They're gonna shoot him, aren't they?
[cut to Richard, confused]: Is it south or north of 79th street? I can't go.
[cut to Richard walking along a street] (voiceover) Richard: I decided the best plan was to stay on 79th street itself.

Jeremy: He's wearing cowboy boots... he's gonna be shot!

[regarding James being late]
Jeremy: He will have walked into a dealership - [imitating James' voice] "Hello!" - and they'll have shot him!
[Richard laughs]

[regarding James' Cadillac]
James: It isn't fast, b—
Richard: You don't say, it's not fast! Is it not mate? I took one look and thought, "ooo, it looks like a Lotus Exige!"

Jeremy: [on Richard's pick-up truck] You saw Brokeback Mountain and thought "I want a piece of that life." Not that piece, I'll have the pick-up truck.

Jeremy: [Over the CB radios] Brokeback, Brokeback. This is Murderer.
Richard: This is Brokeback to Murderer and the Captain.
Jeremy: [Shot of Jeremy, looking confused as the sound that spews out of the CB radio is entirely indecipherable] I wonder why these CB radios never caught on...
James: Breaker breaker One-Nine Contact Eyeball Ten Ten 'till we do it again Captain Slow.
Richard: He's there! [Points out the window to James' car] He's there and I can't understand him!

Richard: [imitating a lorry driver in Florida] It's raining, I'm going north and I'm looking for a whore!

[James May explaining the artwork on his car]: To understand what Jeremy has done to the car, you must understand that this is deep Republican territory. That woman is the Arch-Democrat. She's the Anti-Christ.

[Jeremy and the others are passing into Alabama and notice bullet-holes in the sign]
Jeremy: They shot their own sign. What are they gonna do to us?

[escaping the redneck gas station]
Jeremy: I've just remembered, I've actually got loads of petrol. [drives off]

[As the trio decides to flee the gas station]
James: Hammond?
Richard: What?
James: Jump leads!
Richard: You're joking...

[after wiping of the "offending" artwork]
Jeremy (narrating): With the artwork gone, we hit the road...hard.
Jeremy:I'm doing something I'd never thought I would do. I am running for the border.
James: God in heaven, that was actually frightening.
Richard: They could've killed us!
Jeremy: They really do have an irony deficiency here. I can honestly believe that in certain parts of America now, people have started to mate with vegetables.

[discussing their challenge to eat road-kill]
Richard: 'Well that's okay. [to Jeremy] You can prepare it, wash it and such, I can cook it and James can dress for dinner!

Jeremy: [while carrying a tortoise off the road] Urgh! Don't do that, tortoise! [Drops tortoise]

Jeremy: How can you get... there's no wild tortoises here.
Richard: Well, they gotta be somewhere.
Jeremy: It's escaped from some 8-year-old girl's bedroom.
Richard: How can a tortoise escape? [pretends to chase a tortoise in slow motion] Come back! Come back!
[Jeremy laughs]

Richard: I am not peeling a squirrel!

Richard: I'm thinking how long I've been out in the sun, putting that tent up. Because what I'm seeing—and you'll love this—is a cow on the roof of your Camaro.

[Jeremy has just pulled up with a cow on his roof]
Jeremy: What we've got to do now is...
Richard: ...peel it.
[Jeremy laughs]

Jeremy: A bit of cheese with that would be delicious.

Richard: Hey Jeremy! I'm better. I can no longer see a cow on your roof!

Jeremy: If you're thinking of coming to America, this is what it's like: you've got your Comfort Inn; you got your Best Western; you got your Red Lobster where you eat. Everybody's very fat, everybody's very stupid and everybody's very rude. It's not the holiday programme—it's the truth.

[on the devastation in New Orleans]
Jeremy: How can the rest of America sleep at night knowing that this is here?

[Closing remarks]
Jeremy: So, this week we have two Top Gear Top Tips for you. Firstly, yes, you can buy instead of rent, and secondly, don't go to America!

Top Gear: Botswana Special (November 4, 2007) [10.4][edit]

Jeremy: [reading challenge] "The people of Surrey think they need four-wheel drive cars because they live up a lane which sometimes has leaves on it. You will now attempt to prove them wrong by driving your two-wheel drive cars from here, at Botswana's Eastern border with Zimbabwe..." [points at armed border guards] which is there... "1000 miles to its Western border with Namibia. That's right across the spine of Africa."
[Awkward silence]
James: I'm confident.

James: [James comments on Jeremy's and Richard's car choice] You've both been idiots.
Jeremy: No!
James: Brilliantly interesting [points to the Opel] brilliantly stylish [points to the Lancia Beta] but stupid.
Richard: But...
Jeremy: Why's mine stupid?
Richard: Wha...where is yours? [James points to behind him] Whoa! Haha, a Lancia? You have been a bit thick.

[After James drives off without Jeremy and Richard]
Jeremy: He may be mechanically confident, but he has just turned right. Into...
Richard: Zimbabwe!
Jeremy: Yes, Zimbabwe, which is where, I should point out, the BBC is not allowed.
[James' car is seen driving hastily away in the other direction, prompting laughter]

[Driving his Opel Kadett down the road in Africa]
Richard: This is just the happiest car in the world! I shall call it Oliver! Not that we'd ever name a car on Top Gear. I wish I hadn't said that.

[After they reach their first campsite]
Jeremy: [reading challenge] "Stretching before you is the Makgadikgadi. These are the biggest salt flats in the world. Almost completely lifeless, and as wide as Portugal. No car has ever driven across them. If you run out of water, you will die. If your car breaks down, and you can't be rescued, you will die. If you run out of food, you will die. It's like driving on a creme brulee. There's a primeval ooze covered with a thin layer of salty crust. If you have thin tyres, you will break through that crust, get stuck, and you will die." So it advises to fit fat tyres and remove as much weight as possible before setting off. Well how hard can it be?
Richard: Don't say that!

[Shedding weight from the cars]
James: [Pointing at his door mirror] That doesn't work.
[Jeremy smashes the mirror off with his hammer]
James: Thanks, awfully.

Jeremy: [voiceover] The next morning, we were told our problem would not be gunk, but dust, so James and I had to rethink our wardrobe solutions.
[Camera switches to show Jeremy heavily-clad in clothing]
Jeremy: I've teamed my kikoi with a bin liner, v-necked, last time I wore one of these, ah, I went to see The Clash. [voiceover] Frankly, I all thought it was a bit much. I mean, How bad could this dust be?
[Camera switches to all Jeremy, Richard and James driving through a massive dust storm]
Jeremy: AHHHHHHH! MY EYES!
James: Oh god, this is awful, I can't even see Jezza already [coughs heavily]
Richard: [voiceover] Meanwhile in my unmodified Kadett...
[Camera switches to Richard in Oliver the Opel, who is unbothered by the dust due to refusing to strip his car out]
Richard: I'll adjust this quarterlight a bit, ah that's better.
Jeremy: Oh no, no, NO! Look at this bit now.
James:[his kikoy falls off] The kikoy's come off. [coughs heavily] Hello?
Jeremy: [voiceover] James and I made it through the dust with our lives considerably shortened.
Jeremy:[to James] I've got consumption and TB.
James: [coughs heavily]
Jeremy: I've got every single 1920's disease.

James: [to Jeremy] Can I point something out?
Jeremy: What?
James: Hammond's walking around his car muttering about how he needs all of it.
Jeremy: I know exactly what he's doing.
James: He's formed an emotional attachment to his car.
Jeremy: It'll be like saying to him, "Could you cut bits off your wife?"
[Jeremy and James laugh]

James: Can I just say...
Jeremy: What?
James: You [indicating Richard] look like a gay cowboy, and you [indicating Jeremy] look like a gay terrorist.
Jeremy: No you look like a terrorist with a broken windscreen wiper and your face looks ridiculous.

Jeremy: [to Richard] Do you know how it feels to have someone punch you really hard in the middle of the face?
Richard: I do, actually.

[Following a race across loose sand, which ends at a bridge]
Jeremy: [voiceover] The rally stage had taken its toll on one of the cars. Take a guess which one.
Jeremy: I'm in a car which, as you can probably hear, has got a throttle that's jammed wide open and I can't hold it on the brakes! [into the radio] Hammond, move! You're going to have to go faster or I'll hit you!
Richard: What? [crash]
Jeremy: Oh, God!
Richard: Thanks, well help yourself to my brakes?! Why not?!
Jeremy: I've lost a skull!
James: Monkeys! [points out window]

[While stopped at a river and observing the wildlife]
Jeremy: [pointing] Wow, look! Look! A hippo's head!
James: Well, it's probably a whole hippo. It's just the rest of him's under the water.
Richard: What does a hippo do just before it's about to attack?
James: Opens its mouth.
Jeremy: Opens its mouth. It can open its jaws, a thing it can do.
James: [spotting a herd of elephants] Oh, look.
Richard: Oh, look at that.
Jeremy: They've stopped for a drink. Using their noses to shovel water into their mouths.
Richard: Jeremy, that's a rubbish commentary.
Richard: [voiceover] James took over.
James: That one's lifting it's-sort of a paw up, a bit like a dog does.
Jeremy: Paw?
James: Hoof. Foot. Whatever. What is it on an elephant? It's amazing.
Jeremy: [quietly, gesturing to a group of tourists nearby] There's a man over there with the best comb over I have ever seen in my life.
[they all look at the man through their binoculars]
James: That is... he's got four partings as a result of that. Do you see?
Richard: [quietly] You're bald! Live with it!
[The man turns around and spots them]
Jeremy: Whoops, he caught me looking. [laughing]
Richard: [laughing] I was looking through the binoculars. [imitates, then turns around sharply] Sorry!
[later]
Jeremy: Look at that sun now, boys. Elephants, rally special stage, best comb over I've ever seen.
Richard: Everything's here.

[While camped out for the evening, Richard and Jeremy try to hide a cow's head in James' tent when a group of hippos appear outside]
Jeremy: They spend all day out in the water, and then they come out at night because... I can't remember why.
Richard: Well, thank you. That's useful. Thank you.
Jeremy: Look, do you want to go out there, with a hippopotamus, or stay in here with the horse's head.
Richard: That's not a question that's ever been asked.
Jeremy: It's not a horse, either. It's a cow.
Richard: Um, hang on. That's my bag in James' tent...? [realizes] This is my tent!
Jeremy: [laughing hysterically]
Richard: Oh, man! Get it out!

[As his car sinks in the river]
Richard: Float! Float! OLIVER!!!

[on African Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he's seen The Lion King 1780 times, and that his second best friend is a cape buffalo... all we know is, he's not the Stig, but he is the Stig's African cousin.

[In Maun. While his co-presenters rebuild their cars in preparation for the drive across the Okavango Delta, Richard, who did not drastically modify his car earlier, sits inside it, bored.]
Richard: I suppose I'd better practice my lion drill. [mock surprise] "Oh, no. There's a lion coming. Ahh! [closes his door] What shall I do?" That! [points to the door, knocking on it] Oliver will protect me. [nods]

James: [reading new challenge] "You will drive your cars to Namibia through the Okavango Delta."
Jeremy: That's the really big wildlife place... [makes a gesture with his arms]
James: In the Okavango, you will encounter many deadly animals, including lions, leopards, cheetahs, hyenas, wild dogs, hippos, Black rhino and crocodile. [short pause] Bird snakes, shield-nosed snakes, puff adders, boomslang, cobras, banded cobras, black mambas, black widows and thick-tailed scorpions.
Jeremy: What about the honey badger?
Richard: The what?
Jeremy: The honey badger.
James: That's the least scary sounding animal in the world.
Jeremy: A honey badger does not kill you to eat you, it tears off your testicals.
Richard: It does not!
James: Why's it called the honey badger?
Richard: Exactly!
Jeremy: That's what's made it angry.
Richard: Why isn't it called "the badger of death?"

Jeremy: [narrating, about the Okavango Delta] This is where amateur cameramen come to make a name for themselves with Attenborough. But unfortunately, our film crew are best, really, with cars.
[There is footage of the crew making poor attempts to film the wildlife as they pass]
Jeremy: [speaking into his radio] If we ever do a show called "the back end of an animal..."
Richard: [mimicking announcer] This week, on "Too Late to Look..."

Top Gear: Vietnam Special (December 28, 2008) [12.8][edit]

[Introducing the special from the studio]
Jeremy: Hello and and welcome to a sea of disappointed faces. Because these people have driven all the way down here today only to find the show isn't actually coming from here today.
James: No, it is in fact coming from six thousand miles away, here [points on map] in Vietnam.
Richard: Yes, we were told to meet in the centre of Saigon and await further instructions.
Jeremy: So, sit back, enjoy the ride.

[Reading the first part of the challenge]
Jeremy: Since you can buy Rolexes here for a fiver and lunch for 50p, you're standing in the world's biggest Pound shop. You should therefore have no trouble at all buying some wheels for fifteen million đồng.

Jeremy: [voiceover] Delighted that for once the producers had been generous, we headed for the showrooms. [out loud] I love having inches of money! [voiceover] But our joy was short lived as James discovered when he tried to buy a bog-standard Fiat 500.
James: [pointing to car] Can you tell me how much?
Salesman: Uh, five hun— five hundred and sixty million Việt đồng.
James: Five hundred and sixty million?
Salesman: Yeah
James: How much is fifteen million đồng?
Salesman: Just about one thousand U.S. dollar.

[meeting up after finding the money they've been given isn't in fact worth very much]
Jeremy: I'll tell you the problem, is cars only came to Vietnam a few years ago, ok—four or five years ago? They've got the two hundred percent import tax on them, they haven't had time—in the four or five years since they've been here—to get cheap.
Richard: So there are no bangers.
James: Everything's expensive and we're actually quite poor.

[James gets Jeremy's attention and gestures to the motorbikes behind them]
Jeremy: No.
James: Go on.
Richard: Look around us, what do we see everywhere?
Jeremy: You know I can't do that.
James: Well what else is there? [pokes box of money] Bet you can get a bike for that!
Richard: It's our only option.
Jeremy: I bet you could get a lump of excrement for that as well, it doesn't mean I'm going to go...
Richard: It's transport, with an engine. It's the only choice we have.
James: Come on!
Jeremy: No.
James: Look, that's all we've got. [Holds up a bundle of money and puts it back in the box] Bikes.

[Jeremy describing his bike without any of the enthusiasm the other presenters have shown]
Jeremy: I've bought this, which is um... a motorcycle.
James: Well technically, this is a scooter. [picks it up into the upright position]
Jeremy: If you let go now it will just fall over.
James: No, it's got a thing called a stand!
Richard: You really don't know anything about bikes do you? I mean, really...
Jeremy: Nothing.
Richard: Tell you what I will say, it's actually very pretty. But it's going to be useless because whatever the challenge is, tiny wheels and looking good—that's not going to help.
Jeremy: Why are tiny wheels wrong?
James: Because the holes are big and the little wheels go further in.
Jeremy: What holes?
James: The holes in the road.
Richard: So you're going be [wobbly sound] all over the place.
Jeremy: How many cylinders has it got?
James and Richard: One.
Jeremy: One?
James: It's a two stroke.

[Reading the main challenge]
James: You'll now attempt to achieve in eight days what the Americans failed to achieve in ten years: get from the south of Vietnam to the north. You will ride from [laughs] here in Saigon to Ha Long City, near the Chinese border, which is one thousand miles away.
[Jeremy looks daunted]
James: That is excellent!
Richard: Wow!
James: That is the best challenge we've ever had!
Richard: That's fa— I'm going. I'm getting—Get his bike started. [runs back to his bike]
James: Honestly, that is fantastic. [leaves too]
Jeremy: I just— I can't do that. I can't do— Guys, I can't do that! I can't ride a bike. I'm sorry, this is stupid. [points to crew behind the camera] And I'm not joking, it is— I don't know who came up with this, but it's daft.
Richard: I think it's brilliant! I'm more excited than anything we've ever done.
James: I can't believe you're being a misery-guts.
Jeremy: Because it's a thousand miles in the rainy season...!
Richard: I know, that's the best thing about it!
Jeremy: ...a thousand miles, in the rainy season, in a country with not very good roads, and I can't ride a bike!

Jeremy: [voiceover] I honestly believed that at some point on our long and torturous route, one of us would be killed. Probably wouldn't be Hammond though. Because unlike us two, he at least could get a helmet which fitted.
Jeremy: The reason I don't ride a motorcycle is because I have a large brain.
Richard: No, you have a big head.
Jeremy: The reason why crash helmets are small is because people who wear them haven't got a brain. Otherwise they'd have a car.

[Jeremy is having lunch while his scooter is being repaired]
Jeremy: [picks up a piece of meat with his chopsticks] You look at this and you think "what noise did this make when it was alive"? Did it go moooo, or did it go tweet tweet tweet, or did it go neigh! [eats it] I think it went ruff! rrrrr-ruf! But it's delicious.

[Richard and James are having lunch somewhere else]
James: [looking at the menu] Uhm, well I think this thing here is a sort of squid thing with some... weird paste.
Richard: [looking unhappy] Don't like squid.
James: Ok, well you can have crab with...
Richard: Don't like crab.
James: Razor clams!
Richard: Don't like clams.

[Jeremy is broken down by the side of a road]
Jeremy: And here we are again. It's a lovely evening in south-east Asia, as you can see. And I'd be enjoying it in any means of transport apart from the motorbike. If somebody said to me "would you like to hop to Hanoi?" Yes I would. [hops off on one foot down the road]

[Richard and then James arrive at the meeting point, a restaurant]
Richard: Well, I went to check ahead if it'd gotten any steeper. It did.
James: I know.
Richard: Where is he, do you reckon?
James: Dunno.
Richard: Do you think he's enjoying his first biking experience?
[Cut to Jeremy, who is riding through town in the dark]
Jeremy: [Very, very angry] I am the most miserable human being alive! Where's this restaurant?! Where is it?!

[Just before the rain starts to fall]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Still, at least I'd been assured it wouldn't rain.
[And with that, the heavens open. Jeremy and James ride along, soaked by the torrential rain]
Jeremy: Name an upside to this, May! Name ONE upside!
James: Well, you're not hot anymore, are you?
Jeremy: My light's dying. It's dying, my light's dying!
Jeremy: [voiceover] There was an upside though. Richard's Taliban bike had decided it liked the rain even less than me.
Richard: Come on now! [hops up and down whilst still on his bike] That's not so effective as I'd hoped it would be.
Jeremy: [shouting whilst driving through a big puddle] Oh my god! What the hell is going on in my life?! Why has my life gone so wrong?!
James: It's good for you!
Jeremy: [still shouting] It's not!
James: [Getting annoyed] It is! Stop whining!
[Jeremy and James passing a small truck]
Jeremy: Hit that. Cheer me up—kill yourself.
[James overtakes Jeremy and begins to sing The Beach Boys' "Little Honda"]
James: #I'll take you anywhere you want to go, I'll ride my Honda tonight-#
Jeremy: I hate you!
James: [Ignoring him] #First gear, it's all right. Second gear, I lean right. Third gear, hold on tight#

[James has run out of fuel in the pouring rain]
James: Cock. This is a massive "Oh, cock". How can it have run out? That rain makes a really annoying noise on my colander-- helmet. And it comes through.
[later]
James: this nice man has stopped on an old Russian motorcycle and I think he's going to give me some petrol. What a nice man. In fact, I think I'll pay him. [he starts to remove of his gloves, then sighs] Me dồng's going to be all soggy, isn't it?

[After bring told that they couldn't get any more spare parts for their bikes and found out that the "backup transport", if they couldn't keep their bikes going with tools is a Honda Chaly mini-bike with a "Stars and Stripes" paint job]
Jeremy: Oh god!
Richard: Oh yes, that is a bit...
James: Oh, God, I don't think so!
Richard: It's slightly conspicuous
[some music starts playing loudly, it's "Born in the USA" by Bruce Springsteen, it's the "Star Spangled Banner" in the DVD edition]
Jeremy: That's "Born in the USA", evidently.
[some thunder rumbles and some Vietnamese start running towards them in the distance]
Richard: That's thunder...and the village...have you noticed there was a rumble of thunder, and the village arrived..? I-...
[He struggles to find the right words]
Jeremy: Children, if you're watching this at home and you don't know why this is inappropriate, ask your parents, but this is as inappropriate a bike as it is humanly possible to conceive.

[After being asked a question in Vietnamese]
Richard: [In English, completely guessing what she asked] Always give way to the car from the right!
[Whole class bursts out laughing]
Jeremy: You had a one in a hundred chance of being right, but it was in the wrong language.

Vietnamese Driving Examiner: [several times, no matter what Jeremy does] Jeremy Clarkson: Fail!

Jeremy: I've always said that if my children buy a bike, I'll burn it. If they replace it with another one, I'll burn that one too. Now when they buy a bike, I will completely understand. And then I'll burn it.

Jeremy: [voiceover] With just 50 miles to go, Hammond went berserk!
Richard: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH! The speeeeeeed!!
Jeremy: He's just a... prat!

James: [Having just run out of fuel in the pouring rain] Oh, cock... this is a massive "oh, cock"!

Jeremy: What a journey! 700 miles on my bike, 250 miles on a train, and about 50 miles on my face.

[Having just been told they will have to make their bikes amphibious to get to the actual finishing point.]
Jeremy: How hard can it be?
Richard: DON'T SAY THAT!

Top Gear: Bolivia Special (December 27, 2009) [14.6][edit]

Richard: Have we just been abandoned here to die?

[Analysing each others' kit for the journey]
Richard: [pointing to James' utility belt] What's all this?
James: That is my belt of many things.
Richard: Are these all stuff for...
Jeremy: [interrupting] What is that?
James: Don't touch it. That is a dental healthcare kit.
Richard: What's this?
James: Don't touch it, just ask. That, is a shoe polishing kit.
Jeremy and Richard: What?!
James: It's a shoe polishing kit.
Jeremy: Well thank God for that. If we get hungry, we'll be able to eat his Kiwi boot polish.
Richard: Basically, what you've done is bought My First Explorer Kit.
James: [Jeremy inspects the rear of the belt] Don't touch it!

[while trying to push the barge themselves, Jeremy begins to sink into the mud underwater]
Jeremy: As I sank into the ooze, my colleagues became increasingly concerned]
Richard: [laughing in complete hysterics] His plums are in the Amazon, look!
Jeremy: Do you know the worst thing?
Richard: What?
Jeremy: I need to pee.
James: You haven't had a pee in there?!
Richard: In there?!
Jeremy: I am doing.
James: You really shouldn't do that.
Jeremy: Why?
James: Because of that little whatsit fish?
Richard: It swims up your- it does, and they have them down here definitely and categorically.
James: It swims up the -
Jeremy: It'll just fall out again.
James: No, no, no, no. It's like a fish hook in reverse.
Richard: When it gets up there, it just ... [imitates spikes sprouting from his head]
Jeremy: Stop talking rubbish!

[Trying to pull James's Jimmy off the ramp...]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Having rescued a man from the ooze, the mighty Range Rover would now rescue the little Suzuki.
Jeremy: It's only an ounce to pull.
James: Please be gentle with this, Jeremy, and not a yob.
Jeremy: POWEEERRRRRRRR!!!

Richard: [voiceover] Finally, we were all off the ramp, and as a reward, the producers gave us a box of things to help us survive the perils that lay ahead.
Jeremy: [going through box] ...Some rubber tubing... Durex...
Richard: Condoms?!
Jeremy: Vaseline... Tampax... and er... Viagra.
James: I know we're going to be in the jungle a bit together but, that's a bit extreme.
Richard: What kind of party are they planning?

[During their first night travelling through the jungle...]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Darkness fell, but the temperature didn't.
[Cut to Jeremy in the Range Rover]
Jeremy: How can it be this hot at MIDNIGHT?! HOW'S THAT POSSIBLE?!
Jeremy: [voiceover] Hammond had more to worry about than the heat.
[Cut to Richard in the Land Cruiser, bothered by the sounds of a large insect]
Richard: Aah! What the [f**k]'s that?! Oh! [into walkie-talkie] There's something in here squeaking at me, I'll - I'll - ooh. [the noise continues] Oh. Ooh! What is that?! Agh, [f**k], adadadadagh!! I can't stand that!! I can't stand that!! [throws open his door] I've gotta get out!!

[They've made camp and night has fallen]
Jeremy: [Showing a book about insects to Hammond, who has a phobia of them] This is a book about all the creatures that live in the rainforest that Mr Sting hasn't told us about. Would you like to hear about... the Brazilian wandering spider?
Richard: [Looking uncomfortable] Not really no.
Jeremy: Causes around five human fatalities a year. Lives on the forest floor.
[Hammond turns on a toy dinosaur shaped head torch, which quietly screeches a few times]
Jeremy: What is that?
Richard: Head torch. I'm looking for a, what was it called a wandering spi-?
Jeremy: Would you like to hear about the Fer-de-Lance
Richard: Is it furry?
Jeremy': It's a venemous pit viper. It's bite will cause necrosis of the tissues surrounding the initial wound. The venom will cause kidney failure, fever, and death in three to four days. Would you like to see a photograph of someone who's been bitten by one of these?
[Clarkson shines his flashlight over a graphic picture of someone whose leg has graphically necrotized]
Richard: Oh.... God!
Jeremy: It's okay. It lives in North and South America, so that's...
Richard: Here.
Jeremy: Exactly here. [Later] Ooh, the botfly, now this is a marvellous thing. The botfly cannot sting a human directly, but captures smaller insects, lays its larvae upon them and then releases them. If the smaller host insect then bites the human, the botfly larvae are impregnated into the skin. The larvae then pupates inside the skin, at which point they eat their way out and fly away. The BBC Natural History Unit reports the case of a man, who was bitten behind the ear, and was kept awake at night by the sound of the botfly larvae eating the flesh inside his head.
[Cut to view of the moon]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Hammond didn't have a good night.
[Cut to outside Hammond's tent]
Richard: [From inside his tent] What's that? Aaagh! Ah! Stick insects! Something's honestly landed- there's things on my head - oh, what is that?! There's something that just flew in my hair and it's squeaking at me and it's big, it's really big...!
Jeremy: [voiceover] ...and to be honest, he didn't have a great morning either.
Richard: WHO has done this? [cuts to Richard with one of his trouser legs missing]

[The morning after they have first set camp in the Amazon]
Richard: [voiceover] To get away from the creepy crawlies, I decided to seek refuge in my car.
Richard: [opens door] Ooooookay... [Then shuts it again] Guys..!
[A little later...]
Jeremy: Oh! There IS a snake in your car.
[Richard and Jeremy quickly panic...]
Jeremy: It's coming up here; it's coming up here! It's known locally as the "Big Vicious Killer Snake"!
Richard: Thanks.

Jeremy: [finding up a spider next to Hammond's Suzuki] Hammond, look at this!
Richard: [exasperated] Oh, great.
James: What is it?
Jeremy: It's tarantula.
Richard: Tread on it.
Jeremy: Do you want it?
Richard: No, I don't! [as Jeremy picks it up and holds it in front of him] I expressly and absolute- it's- why me?!
[Jeremy chases Richard around the Suzuki and behind the Land Rover, where Richard has picked up a shovel]
Richard: I'm done playing with the spiders now! I'm going to go over here, now! I'm going all the way over here! Oh, don't. Please-ah, don't-no-aaagh! I won't go for the spider! I'll go for your BLEEP head with the spade! That's what will happen!
Jeremy: [unfazed] Come on, Hammond. Look at his little face.
Richard: No! No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no!
Jeremy: Give me... one million of your pounds!
Richard: Yes! Yes! Yes, yes! You saw that! It's been witnessed! A million pounds for you.

[While driving through the rainforest, Richard is still wondering who stole his trouser leg]
Richard: [Into walkie-talkie] Come on, who's got my trouser leg?
[In Jeremy's truck, Jeremy is wearing Richard's trouser leg as a headcloth]
Jeremy: [Into walkie-talkie, with mock innocence] Has your trouser leg gone missing?

[on Richard driving into the back of his Suzuki]
James: That honestly wasn't very funny three series ago, and it really isn't funny now.
Richard: I'm not doing it on purpose. No, I haven't got any brakes. That's how I stop!

[After pulling out Jeremy's Range Rover from the gulley]
Richard: [voiceover] We realized we'd have to build a bridge... which made one of us very excited.
Jeremy: I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE!
Richard: [To James, without even looking] Has he got a chainsaw?
[Jeremy fires up the chainsaw]
Jeremy: OH YES!
Richard: [Sounding weary] Oh God...

Jeremy: It is extraordinary, if you think about it. In South America, there are no elephants, kangaroos, lions, hyenas, honey badgers, nothing interesting at all. It's all just insects designed to make you have a debilitating, agonising death.

[In an attempt to cool his engine down, Jeremy stops to cut vents in the bonnet of his truck with a buzzsaw, but accidentally sets Richard's Toyota on fire with one of the sparks.]
Richard: Jeremy, my car's on fire!
Jeremy: Well, put beer on it!
Richard: I am but I've only got so much! [Richard empties his beer can onto the fire]
Jeremy: There's a fire extinguisher in the car, but ...
Richard: [interrupting] You set my car on fire!
Jeremy: I haven't got my glasses.
Richard: Put the bloody pin out! [Jeremy finally puts out the flames with the extinguisher] You burned my Toyota! Thank you. Yeah.

Richard: I can't remember if I took my malaria pill this morning. If I were a girl, I'd be pregnant, a lot!

[During their drive through the rainforest it begins to rain]
Jeremy: [into walkie-talkie] Hammond?
Richard: [through walkie-talkie Yeah?
Jeremy: How wet are you getting in this rain?
[cut to Richard who is soaking wet from the rain getting through the holes in his Land Cruiser]
Richard: [spits out water before replying with mock casualty] No, it's not bad actually.

Jeremy: [attempting to waterproof their cars] Right. These are condoms...
Richard: Do you two need some time to yourselves?

[After emerging from the rainforest and onto a very rocky dirt road, James and Hammond's cars, due to poor suspension, are battered and clattering]
Richard: [in his truck, provoked] Aaaaagh, God!
[In James's truck]
James: [to his car] Stop it!!
[In Jeremy's truck, which hardly has any damage...]
Jeremy: [into walkie-talkie] Uh, just answer me this simple question: How comfortable are you two right now?
[In Richard's Toyota]
Richard: [into walkie-talkie, sarcastic casualty] D'you know it's absolutely lovely, it's like a big bed and mattress. I really am - oh, yeah! Relaxing. Yeah...!
[James's truck goes over a bump]
James: Oh! Jesus.
[In Jeremy's truck]
Jeremy: Have I broken James's spine? There'll be two Ted Nugents in a minute.
[Back in Richard's truck]
Richard: [desperately irritated] Oh, I'm so sick of that noise!! [to the car] STOP RATTLING AT ME!
[Cut to Jeremy listening to Will Young's Grace on his iPod, perfectly comfortable]

[after sawing through a tree in the middle of a road, Jeremy - armed with a chainsaw - and James - wielding a machete - engage in a standoff when Jeremy tries to saw through James' Toyota]
Richard: Let's not have a chainsaw/machete fight!
Jeremy: [as the chainsaw powers down] Why's it stalled?
Richard: Let's take that as a message - possibly even from God - that you should put the bloody chainsaw in the car and get off.
Jeremy: I like this!
Richard: I know, and if you do anything more manly, you're in danger of making yourself pregnant.

[about to drive down the "Road of Death"]
Jeremy: [to Richard through the radio] My car is perfect in every way, apart from it not starting, so could you, if you wouldn't mind... push me, a little bit?
Richard: So, you want me to push your car with my car, now, on this road here?
Jeremy: [long silence] Yes, there's no alternative.
Richard: Okay, well here I come. [inches slowly toward Jeremy's Land Rover] Careful, careful, careful... [accelerates and bumps hard into the Land Rover] Oh, it wasn't as careful as I could've been, sorry. [Giggles to himself]

[On the "Road of Death", regarding the broken suspension on James' car]
Jeremy: James, I don't know about the rear suspension design on the Suzuki.
Richard: The shock absorber is traditionally attached at both ends.

[On the Road of Death, Jeremy with his eyes on a passing vehicle accidentally rams James despite being warned not to earlier on. Shaken and angry, James gets out with his machete and approaches Jeremy's car]
Jeremy: Sorry, I was...
James: [Overlapping] I was pretty f**king straight with you on this one, and now you're gonna get machete'd to death. [starts jabbing the blade at Jeremy's neck, half-threatening]
Jeremy: [fending James off] Don't- I was watching the taxi!
James: [interrupting] I did warn you! Did I or did I not warn you?!
[In Richard's truck]
Richard: [Casually observing the spectacle] James is killing Jeremy... Yeah, thing's are going well.
[Back to James and Jeremy]
Jeremy: I was watching the taxi.
James: You weren't!
Jeremy: I was watching the taxi.
[Later, Jeremy walks up to Richard]
Richard: Did your co-presenter on your television program just attack you with a machete?
Jeremy: Yes, he did. He came to the window and he was quite cross because I ran into him.
Richard: That doesn't happen on, like, clothes programs or gardening shows.
Jeremy: No.

[Driving along the Road of Death in the dark, long since abandoned by Jeremy]
James: Hammond, I want to say something to you that I wouldn't say at any other time.
Richard: ...What...?
James: ...Please don't leave me.

[On crossing the Chilean border]
Jeremy: At the border post we were given the traditional welcome.
[At the border post...]
Jeremy: [from within] MY ARSE!

Jeremy: [as the three of them drive higher and higher over the active volcano, higher than 15,000 feet above sea level] We are, definitely, the highest motorists in the world. Apart from George Michael, obviously.

[On crossing the Atacama Desert, which is devoid of all life, even bacteria]
Jeremy: Richard Hammond was the smallest living organism for miles!

Jeremy: I have a teddy bear. I've had it since the day I was born. One of its arms has fallen off, one of its eyes is missing, his head's come off more times than I can mention. To you it would be worthless junk, but to me it means everything, and it's the same story with this car.

Top Gear: Nativity Special (December 26th, 2010) [16.0][edit]

Jeremy: [upon seeing Richard’s car and finding out that James has gone over budget] So we’re not three wise men, we’re one wise man, an idiot and a cheat.

[debating where they’re landing]
James: Is it China?
Richard: Well, if they came from the east, Norfolk.
Jeremy: Well, I tell you something, wherever the hell that is, it's not Norwich.

James: [in the transport plane, with the back open while they were still in the air] Hammond! Put your handbrake on!

[Richard is first off the plane, but the others don't follow him]
Richard: YOU BASTARDS!
James: [to Jeremy, who's in front of him] Did you stall?
Jeremy: [feigning innocence] Yes, I did!
[a little later, after a rush from the landing plane]
Jeremy: Did you make it?
Richard: I’m alive! I’m hiding in a big shed!

[after Jeremy suggest to get out of Iraq as quickly as possible by going towards the Iranian border]
Richard: Hang on, isn't - Bethlehem's over here, isn't it? (while pointing at Bethlehem on the map)
Jeremy and James: Yeah.
Richard: Well, that's the way we want to go.
Jeremy: Yes, through places like Mosul and Baghdad perhaps. Have you ever seen a television programme called The News?
Richard: Well, I'm aware of it.
Jeremy: Trust me, Mosul is properly dangerous.
Richard: That's really bad, isn't it.
Jeremy: That's as bad as it gets anywhere in the world right now.
Richard: And that where we are? (pointing at Arbil on the map) That's where it's really bad?
Jeremy: We are - less than a finger's width away. So up there (pointing to the map), into Iran, into Turkey, and then down there and that way, so we miss - we can get out of Iraq and then go 'round it.
James: Sounds like a plan.
Jeremy: So the wise men from the east are setting off east. Northeast.

Jeremy: Can I just say, if I'm kidnapped, I don't want to hear any of this, ‘Well, you know we, we don't give in to kidnap demands'. Just pay. I don’t want to be beheaded on the Internet.

Jeremy: I’m not going round-- [Richard uses his car to push Jeremy] I am going round the-- Hammond! Don’t be an arse! Hammond, stop it!

James: [after fixing his BMW, being followed by many children] What I couldn’t have done without those meddling kids.

Jeremy: [voiceover] We pulled over by a roadside market that had a waterfall and a river in it.

Jeremy: [voiceover] I brought in our special weapons man who had learned in the armed forces how to have a pixelated face.

Jeremy: Bad news, for political reasons the BBC is not allowed into Iran.
Richard: What?
Jeremy: I thought it was just BBC News, but the whole BBC is not allowed into Iran.
James: A car show isn't allowed into Iran?
Jeremy: Never mind, let's not get bogged down, we aren't allowed in.
James: So Ant & Dec can come here?
Jeremy: I bet the original three wise men never had this problem.
Richard: But they weren’t BBC were they?

James: [to the tune of ‘We Three Kings’] We three kings from orient afar,
One in a Vauxhall, two in sports cars…

James: [pointing to his large spotlight] This is the Light of the World.

Jeremy: [before plunging into a ditch] Follow me! [a few seconds later he gets stuck] Don't follow me!

James: [on being in the Nativity Play as a child] I was a shepherd because I had a dressing gown.

James: [comes out of the hospital with a bandage on his head and stops in his tracks] What are you two wearing?
[Richard and Jeremy stand in front of James wearing burkas and sunglasses]

Jeremy: [voiceover] The Fiat's tyre had changed its mind about having air in it.
Richard: BUGGER!

[when their 'Sneak across Syria' plan has failed with them driving to their hotel disguised in Burkas where they see a "Welcome Top Gear" banner at the entrance]
James: I've appeared on TV in drag for nothing!

James: I've finally found a present for Jeremy. Oil of Tact.

Jeremy: I'm now driving my car of many colours, and many cylinders, into Jordan. A country famous for not having Bethlehem in it.

James: There is a place reserved in Hell for the man who put that gearbox in that car. And it's the ratios - it's a case of many are called, but few are chosen. And many who are first shall be fourth and many who are third will actually kick-down into second.

Richard: [after seeing that part of his car's rear body had fallen off] My arse! I've lost an entire buttock!

[on a stop by the Sea of Galilee]
Jeremy: [removing the bandage from James' head] You are healed. I have healed you.
James: Cock! You took the bandage off!

James: [in the stable at the end of the show] Come, let us see this child that has been born unto us.
Jeremy: Yes, let's.
Richard: Yes...
[Hammond moves aside the blanket and gasps. O Fortuna plays as the camera reveals the Baby Stig]
James: ... Well, I wasn't expecting that.
Jeremy: ... And on that bombshell!

Top Gear: India Special (December 28th, 2011) [18.0][edit]

Jeremy: I have here a personal letter reply to us from David Cameron himself. [reading the letter] "Dear Top Gear, thank you for your letter. Whilst it's true I'm keen on us to build on our ties out here, sending you three is not quite what I had in mind. The Foreign Secretary did wonder instead about a fence mending trip to Mexico. Basically, my message is this... you do the cars, we'll do the diplomacy."
[looks behind] Oh, here he comes now.
[David Cameron is seen leaving Number 10 by car in front of the three]
David Cameron: Stay away from India.
Jeremy: [looking dejected] ...Well, that was unequivocal.
James: Well, we're going to ignore the Prime Minister. What we're going to do instead is to buy three second-hand British cars, and then to head over there with a very simple objective... to rescue Britain.

Jeremy: [voiceover] As night fell, we came across a village fete. Everyone was doing business, so I ramped up the PA.
[Music being played from Jeremy's loudspeaker]
Jeremy: The British are back... I mean here.

Richard: [voiceover] The next morning, as I was finishing off my Mini repairs, it was clear that Jeremy hadn't had the best of nights.
Jeremy: My pillow was just a pillowcase... soaked in glacial water and then filled with stones. My sleeping bag broke. My blanket was see-through. My body was down to a temperature hitherto unknown to science. I would have come and bludgeoned you to death last night.
Richard: But you're not moaning about it, so that's OK.

Top Gear: Africa Special (March 3rd & 10th, 2013) [19.6 & 19.7][edit]

[A village somewhere in Uganda, the starting point for the challenge. Scenes of village life, before a BMW 5-series Estate pulls up. Jeremy gets out.]
Jeremy: [voiceover] I was the first to arrive and I was feeling a bit nervous. [real life] What I've gone for is a BMW 528i, and on the internet, it looked fantastic. But, I've now had the chance to examine it further, and one or two things are giving me cause for concern. Firstly, [opens the door] it's got a manual gearbox, and that tells me that the previous owner was the sort of chap who likes to take it to the max between gear changes. Secondly, the front tires are Pirellis, the back tires are made by a company I've never heard of. Now, that tells me it's been run on a tight budget. I don't know what the challenge will be, but [crosses his fingers] I'm going to be doing it like that.

[Richard has suggested the three switch to side roads to look for a hotel and found one back on the main road, and the three are at a shabby, filthy hotel and are looking at the bedrooms]
Jeremy: [comes out of a room and faces Richard] You're getting that room.
James: [inside the room] This one's got a chair and a table!
Richard: [trying to be nonchalant] I don't think you'd even notice the smell, after a while.
Jeremy: [in another room, he unrolls the bedclothes to reveal skid marks on the sheets] Oh, my God! [irate] HAMMOOOND!

[as Richard frees James' Volvo from a muddy area of road]
Richard: [voiceover] As I pulled James free...
James: Yes! Bloody brilliant, Hammond.
Richard: [voiceover] ... some locals arrived, and Jeremy decided to give them a quick lecture on his theories of off-road driving.
Jeremy: Now, I believe in speed. Power. Power and speed solves many things. Right. [gets into the BMW]
Richard: James, how far?
James: Middle of the puddle.
Jeremy: [through loudspeaker] SPEED AND POWER!
[Jeremy speeds through the mud, only to spin out and become stuck between two thick ridges of mud while Richard and James laugh]
James: [imitating Jeremy] Go faster!
Jeremy: Speed and power doesn't work.

Richard: [voiceover] Having freed Jeremy, the men started to build him a new road.
Richard: [watching one man repeatedly slap a hoe into the ground] I wouldn't do that in bare feet. I can't watch. Agh! [covers his face]
James: I'm assuming he's never got it wrong because he's still got an entire right foot.

[Jeremy's BMW becomes stuck on a muddy road]
Jeremy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!! [beat] That was so damn close.

Jeremy: [voiceover] And then, to add to the misery, I discovered there had been treachery.
Jeremy: [staring apalled at the hole in his BMW's door panel] How long's that been there?
Richard: [feigning ignorance] Good grief... You must have...
Jeremy: Hammond, I know what your panto face is.
Richard: ... gouged the...
Jeremy: Hammond, what - where is that?
Richard: [snaps fingers] No, those - what are those really big things?
Jeremy: Hammond -
Richard: 'Cause they could - they can rip steel. [gruff voice] Oh, yeah. Won't do with that bit...
Jeremy: I know exactly where it is.
Richard: I have no idea and you'll never...
Jeremy: [begins walking down the hill] May!
Richard: ... get it out of me.
Jeremy: Is that thing on the front of your car made out of my door?!
Richard: [quietly] Yes, it is.
[Jeremy makes his way down the hill, where James' Volvo is stuck]
James: Can you give me a tow?
Jeremy: Is that my door?
James: What?
Jeremy: It is from my - I know it's from my door.
James: Well, you're not using that bit, and it was more useful on my car. You didn't even notice.
Jeremy: Well, the- that's it. That's it. [walks away]
James: Can you give me a tow?
Jeremy: No!

[After finding out that Jeremy has crudely cut a hole out of the bonnet of James' Volvo to patch the hole on the side of his left door that James removed to make a new impact plate that dropped off in the journey through Africa].
Jeremy: [voiceover] As dawn broke, the peace and serenity of this beautiful Ugandan morning was shattered by the bellow of a wild animal.
James: [positively furious] CLARKSOOOOON!!!

[After spending the night in a traffic jam in Kampala, Uganda].
James: It wasn't a dream. I'm still here.
Jeremy: [Recalling an incident from the previous evening, in which he accidentally bought a vendor's entire stock of bananas] I can't get over how heavy those bananas were. How could she get them on her head?

Top Gear: Burma Special (March 9th & 16th, 2014) [21.6 & 21.7][edit]

[After James was treated to Jeremy's loud lorry stereo system]
James: Anyway, I'm sure that won't become annoying at all. I need to ask you a question.
Jeremy: What?
James: Why are you wearing a tie?
Jeremy: Because I'm a modern lorry driver, and modern lorry drivers are crisp and sharp. The days are over when you simply turned up with a glove box full of strong pornography and egg on your vest.
Jeremy: [voiceover] At this point, Hammond arrived with a glove box full of strong pornography and egg on his vest.
Richard: What do you think?
James: What is it? A lorry or a Hindu temple?

[After working on the bridge and being annoyed to such an extent by James's loud snoring, James wakes up to find his tent suspended over the river by his truck's crane]
James: CLARKSON! Funny. You funny man.
Richard: [voiceover] We were even funnier getting him back in.

The Stig[edit]

Each episode, one of the presenters gives a short quote about the Stig.

  • He was born in space.
  • He forages for wolves at night.
  • He sleeps upside down like a bat.
  • His sweat can be used to clean precious metals.
  • His skin has the texture of a dolphin's.
  • If you tune your radio to 88.4 FM you can actually hear his thoughts.
  • He does not see like humans do, instead he sees numbers in green scrolling down (a reference to the The Matrix).
  • He is scared of bells.
  • He once punched a horse to the ground.
  • His politics are terrifying.
  • He lives in a tree.
  • He was raised by wolves.
  • He appears on high-value stamps in Sweden.
  • His favourite philosopher is Immanuel Kant.
  • He has no understanding of clouds.
  • His earwax tastes like Turkish Delight.
  • He is confused by stairs.
  • He naturally faces magnetic north.
  • He is illegal in 17 U.S. states.
  • His heart ticks like a watch.
  • All his legs are hydraulic.
  • He can "accumbularate".
  • He appears on Japanese banknotes.
  • There's an airport in Russia named after him.
  • He is wanted by the CIA.
  • His breath smells of magnesium.
  • He can catch fish with his tongue.
  • If you lick his chest, it tastes exactly like piccalilli.
  • His tears are adhesive.
  • If set alight, he'd burn for a thousand days.
  • He knows only two facts about ducks and they're both wrong.
  • His voice can only be heard by cats.
  • He has two sets of knees.
  • He can swim seven lengths underwater.
  • He has webbed buttocks.
  • He can melt concrete on contact.
  • His heart pumps diesel.
  • He is more machine than man.
  • His heart is in upside down.
  • The outline of his left nipple is shaped exactly like the Nurburgring.
  • His teeth glow in the dark.
  • His favourite food is raw meat.
  • He has no age.
  • He doesn't know what dogs are for.
  • He has the largest collection of horse eggs

Cast[edit]

External links[edit]

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