- Directed by David Zucker, Jim Abrahams, and Jerry Zucker. Written by Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, Jerry Zucker, and Martyn Burke.
- Things change, people change, hairstyles change, interest rates fluctuate.
- For as long as a single man is forced to cower under the iron fist of oppression, as long as a child cries out in the night, or an actor can be elected president, we must continue the struggle.
- [hugging her friends before getting on plane] Good-bye Chocolate Mousse, I'll never forget you. Good-bye Du Quois, take care of yourself. Good-bye Deja Vu, I'll always remember you. [to Nick] And I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow.
- Martin: Nick, I've tried everything: the embassy, the German government, the consulate. I even talked to the U.N. ambassador. It's no use, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm.
- General Streck: [on the phone] What is the condition of Sergeant Kruger? [pause] Very well, let me know if there is any change in his condition. [Hangs up] He's dead.
- Deja Vu: Don't take it so hard Nick, life is filled with it's little miseries, each of us in his own way must learn to deal with adversity in a mature and adult fashion. [Sneezes into hands screams, and jumps out a window]
- Dr Paul Flammond: Go quickly. If they find out you've seen this, your life will be worth less than a truck load of dead rats in a tampon factory.
- Nick Rivers: [to the Waiter] I'm sorry, I don't speak German...
- Hillary Flammond: I know a little German. [pause] He's sitting over there. [to the Waiter, in German] What do you recommend?
- Waiter: [in German] I recommend the pork bellies marinated in diced pig entrails or the roast swine knuckles poached with flaming hog balls.
- Nick Rivers: Anything's fine.
- Nick Rivers: Hillary. That's an unusual name.
- Hillary Flammond: It's a German name. It means 'she whose bosoms defy gravity'.
- Nick Rivers: I'm pleased to meet you. My name's Nick.
- Hillary Flammond: Nick? What does that mean?
- Nick Rivers: Oh, nothing. My dad thought of it while he was shaving.
- Hillary Flammond: My uncle was born in America.
- Nick Rivers: Oh, really?
- Hillary Flammond: But he was one of the lucky ones. He managed to escape in a balloon during the Jimmy Carter presidency.
- Nick Rivers: Are you in some kind of trouble with the police?
- Hillary Flammond: Some things are much better left unsaid.
- Nick Rivers: Like what?
- Hillary Flammond: Well, you know... sometimes when you blow your nose into a tissue and you put it in your purse, then a little while later you have to reach in there for your lipstick or something, and your hand gushes into it, and it goes all over...
- Nick Rivers: Okay, okay, you're right, you're right. Some things are better left unsaid.
- Nick Rivers: Listen to me, Hillary. I'm not the first guy who fell in love with a woman that he met at a restaurant who turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist, only to lose her to her childhood lover who she last saw on a deserted island, who then turned out fifteen years later to be the leader of the French underground.
- Hillary Flammond: I know. It all sounds like some bad movie.
- [Long pause. Both look at camera]
- Hillary Flammond: Who do you favor in the Virginia Slims tournament?
- Blindman: In women's tennis, I always root against the heterosexual.
- Agent Cedric: Wait. You dropped your phony dog poo.
- Blindman: What phony dog poo?
- [Nick and Hillary arrive at the Potato Farm. A Shetland pony is coughing]
- Nick Rivers: What's wrong with him?
- Wagon Driver: Oh, he caught a cold last week and he's just a little hoarse.
- Martin: What the hell did you say to him?
- Nick Rivers: Nothing, I just told him I'd put his name on the Montgomery Ward mailing list.
- Movie? What movie?
- A Film.
- Don't tell anyone.
- From the makers of the original "Airplane!" (not the Wright brothers)
- Val Kilmer - Nick Rivers
- Lucy Gutteridge - Hillary Flammond
- Christopher Villiers - Nigel "The Torch", Resistance Leader
- Jeremy Kemp - General Streck
- Omar Sharif - Agent Cedric
- Peter Cushing - Bookstore Proprietor
- Michael Gough - Dr. Paul Flammond
- Warren Clarke - Colonel von Horst
- Harry Ditson - Du Quois, Resistance Member
- Jim Carter - Déjà Vu, Resistance Member
- Eddie Tagoe - Chocolate Mousse, Resistance Member
- John Sharp - Maitre'D
- Ian McNeice - Blind Souvenir Vendor
- Gertan Klauber - The Mayor