Trading Places

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Trading Places is a 1983 film starring Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy about a snobbish investor and a wily street con artist who find their positions reversed as part of a bet by two callous millionaires.

Directed by John Landis. Written by Timothy Harris and Herschel Weingrod.
They're not just getting rich... They're getting even. taglines


Billy Ray Valentine[edit]

  • [while acting blind and legless] Hey, baby, what's happening? How are ya doing? Once you have a man with no legs, you never go back, baby. I know what you're thinkin'. You seen "Porgy and Bess"? [the woman begins to walk away] We can make it, baby! Me and you!... You BITCH!
  • [after demonstrating some fake karate moves while in jail] That's called the "quart of blood" technique. You do that, a quart of blood will drop out of a man's body.
  • [watching cops subduing an unruly suspect] May I suggest using your night stick officer?
  • When I was a kid, if we wanted bubbles, we had to fart in the tub.
  • Hey that's the motherf- I mean... that's the gentleman that had me busted.

Louis Winthorp III[edit]

  • [to Penelope, as he is leaving jail] Those men wanted to have sex with me!
  • I had the most absurd nightmare. I was poor and no one liked me. I lost my job, I lost my house, Penelope hated me and it was all because of this terrible, awful Negro. [sees Billy and attacks]
  • He was wearing my Harvard tie. Can you believe it? MY Harvard tie. Like oh, sure, HE went to Harvard.

Others[edit]

  • Ophelia: [noticing Louis watch her undress] By the way, food and rent aren't the only things around here that cost money. You sleep on the couch.
  • Officer Reynolds: [to Louis] Strip, you little shit, before I tear you a new asshole!
  • Corrupt Cop: [Takes some PCP out of a baggie and tastes it] That's PCP! Phenycyclidine. Angel dust! You ever seen what this stuff does to kids? You're looking at 5 to 10 mandatory... Louis!
  • Bunny: And she stepped on the ball.
  • Even Bigger Black Guy: It ain't cool being no jive turkey so close to Thanksgiving.
  • Harvey: Monkey? MONKEY! I'm a fucking gorilla, you clown!
  • Beeks: Hey. Back off! I'll rip out your eyes and piss on your brain.
  • Mortimer Duke: This an outrage! I demand a full investigation!

Dialogue[edit]

Randolph Duke: Ezra. Right on time. I'll bet you thought I'd forgotten your Christmas bonus. There you are.
Ezra: Five dollars. Maybe I'll go to the movies... by myself.
Mortimer Duke: Half of it is from me.
Ezra: Thank you, Mr. Mortimer.
Ezra leaves table
Ezra{talking to himself quietly}: Assholes.

Louis: Randolph. Mortimer.
Mortimer Duke: Winthorpe, my boy, what have you got for us?
Louis: Well, it's that time of the month again. Payroll checks for our employees, which require your signatures. And no forgetting to sign the big ones!
Mortimer Duke: We seem to be paying some of our employees an awful lot of money.
Louis: [laughs] Can't get around the old minimum wage, Mortimer.

Randolph Duke: Money isn't everything, Mortimer.
Mortimer Duke: Oh, grow up.
Randolph Duke: Mother always said you were greedy.
Mortimer Duke: She meant it as a compliment.

Billy Ray: [Billy Ray is in jail] I wish my bitches would get here. I ain't got time to be sitting in this cell with you.
Big Black Guy: Where are your bitches, Mr. Big-Time Pimp?
Billy Ray: [to Cellmate #2] Didn't I tell you that the phone in my limousine is busted, and I can't get in contact with my bitches?
Cellmate #2: [to Big Black Guy] Yeah! The phone in the limo was busted. What is ya, ignorant?

Big Black Guy: You beatin' 10 cops. How come I don't see no bruises on you?
Billy Ray: 'Cause I'm a karate man, see! And a karate man bruises on the inside! They don't show their weakness. But you don't know that because you're a big Barry White looking motherfucker! So get outta my face!

Billy Ray is in the Jacuzzi; Coleman takes Billy Ray's street clothes and closes door
Billy Ray{from Jacuzzi}: When you think of love, does your heart go round and round?
Mortimer: What's he doing in there?
Coleman: I believe he is singing, sir.
Randolph: They're very musical people, aren't they?
Coleman: What should I do with his clothes, sir?
Mortimer: Send them to the laundry. He will want something nice and clean to wear to he ghetto after I have won the bet.

Heritage Club President: May I have your attention please? There is something vile that has never reared its ugly head in our 207 years of existance. There is a thief in the Heritage Club! And by thief I do not mean the ordinary street punk our own Winthorpe had the courage to stand up to yesterday. Mild applause No, this thief is 100 times lower! And without further adieu, may I introduce Mr. Clarence Beeks of Lyndhurst Security.

Billy Ray: [after breaking a vase] Hey, sorry about that.
Randolph Duke: It's perfectly all right William. It was your vase.
Billy Ray: That was a cheap vase, right? That was a fake? Right?
Randolph Duke: I believe we paid $35,000. But if I remember correctly, we valued it for the insurance company at $50,000. You see, Mortimer? William has already made us $15,000.
[Coleman, Mortimer, Randolph, and Billy Ray start laughing]
Billy Ray: You want me to break something else?
Randolph Duke, Mortimer Duke, Coleman: NO!

Billy Ray: What if I can't do this job, Coleman? What if I'm not what they expected?
Coleman: Just be yourself, sir. Whatever happens, they can't take that away from you.

Pawnbroker: Burnt my fingers, man.
Louis: I beg your pardon?
Pawnbroker: Man, that watch is so hot, it's smokin'.
Louis: Hot? Do you mean to imply stolen?
Pawnbroker: I'll give you 50 bucks for it.
Louis: Fifty bucks? No, no, no. This is a Rouchefoucauld. The thinnest water-resistant watch in the world. Singularly unique, sculptured in design, hand-crafted in Switzerland, and water resistant to three atmospheres. This is the sports watch of the '80s. Six thousand, nine hundred and fifty five dollars retail!
Pawnbroker: You got a receipt?
Louis: Look, it tells time simultaneously in Monte Carlo, Beverly Hills, London, Paris, Rome, and Gstaad.
Pawnbroker: In Philadelphia, it's worth 50 bucks.
Louis Winthorpe III: Just give me the money.
Pawnbroker takes watch and gives Winthorpe a $50 bill
Pawnbroker: A pleasure doing business with you.
Winthorpe takes money, then looks at display case for another potential business transaction
Louis Winthorpe III: How much for the gun?

Randolph Duke: Exactly why do you think the price of pork bellies is going to keep going down, William?
Billy Ray: Okay, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning, which means that everybody is waiting for it to hit rock bottom, so they can buy cheap and go long. Which means that the people who own the pork belly contracts are going batshit, they're thinking, "Hey, we're losing all our damn money, and Christmas is around the corner, and I ain't gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip! And my wife ain't gonna f... my wife ain't gonna make love to me if I got no money!" So they're panicking right now, they're screaming "SELL! SELL!" 'cos they don't wanna lose all their money, right? They're panicking out there right now, I can feel it.
[on the ticker machine, the price keeps dropping]
Randolph Duke: He's right, Mortimer! My God, look at it!

[Billy Ray overhears the Dukes talking in the bathroom]
Randolph Duke: Pay up, Mortimer. I've won the bet.
Mortimer Duke: Here, one dollar.
Randolph Duke: [chuckling] We took a perfectly useless psychopath like Valentine, and turned him into a successful executive. And during the same time, we turned an honest, hard-working man into a violently, deranged, would-be killer! [laughs] Now, what are we going to do about taking Winthorpe back and returning Valentine to the ghetto?
Mortimer Duke: I don't want Winthorpe back, after what he's done.
Randolph Duke: You mean, keep Valentine on as managing director?
Mortimer Duke: Do you really believe I would have a nigger run our family business, Randolph?
[Valentine's eyes widen with outrage]
Randolph Duke: Of course not. Neither would I.

Billy Ray: [watches Louis clean his shotgun] You know, you can't just go around and shoot people in the kneecaps with a double-barreled shotgun 'cause you pissed at 'em.
Louis: Why not?
Billy Ray: 'Cause it's called assault with a deadly weapon, you get 20 years for that shit.
Louis: Listen, do you have any better ideas?
Billy Ray: Yeah. You know, it occurs to me that the best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people.
Coleman: You have to admit, sir, you didn't like it yourself a bit.

Louis: My God! The Dukes are going to corner the entire frozen orange juice market!
Ophelia: Unless somebody stops them...
Coleman: ...or beats them to it. [all turn and look at him] Egg-nog?

Billy Ray: Merry New Year!
Beeks: That's "happy." In this country we say "Happy New Year."
Billy Ray: Oh, ho, ho, thank you for correcting my English which stinks!

Coleman: [offering Billy Ray a sip from his flask; they are both in Halloween costumes] Would you like a sip of whiskey?
Billy Ray: I do not drink, it is against my religion!
Coleman: Religion is a good thing I say, taken in moderation.

Louis: Nenge! Nenge Mboko, from Cameroon? Do you remember me? It's Lionel Joseph!
Billy Ray: Lionel! From the African Education Conference!
Louis: Yah, mon, I was Director of Cultural Activities at the Haile Selassie Pavilion.
Billy Ray: I remember the pavilion - we had big fun there!
Both: Boo bwele boo bwele boo bwele ah ha! Boo bwele boo bwele boo bwele ah ha!
Billy Ray: Oh, memories!

Louis: [after giving the secret knock] Who is it?
Billy Ray: Open the door, man!

Louis: [approaching the New York Commodities Exchange] Think big, think positive, never show any sign of weakness. Always go for the throat. Buy low, sell high. Fear? That's the other guy's problem. Nothing you have ever experienced will prepare you for the absolute carnage you are about to witness. Super Bowl, World Series - they don't know what pressure is. In this building, it's either kill or be killed. You make no friends in the pits and you take no prisoners. One minute you're up half a million in soybeans and the next, boom, your kids don't go to college and they've repossessed your Bentley. Are you with me?
Billy Ray: Yeah, we got to kill the motherf... - we got to kill 'em!

Louis: [after ruining the Dukes] Happy New Year!
Randolph Duke: [hoarsely] Winthorpe.
Mortimer Duke: [stunned] Valentine.
Billy Ray: Hey! How'd y'all make out today?
Mortimer Duke: How could you do this to us after everything we've done for you?
Billy Ray: Oh, see, I made Louis a bet here. See, Louis bet me that we couldn't both get rich and put y'all in the poor house at the same time. He didn't think we could do it. I won.
Louis: [grinning] I lost... One dollar.
Billy Ray: Thank you, Louis.
Louis: After you.
Billy Ray: Certainly.

President of Exchange: Margin call, gentlemen.
Mortimer Duke: Why, you can't expect us to -
Official #1: You know the rules of the exchange, Mr. Duke. All accounts to be settled at the end of the day's trading, without exception.
Randolph Duke: You know perfectly well we don't have $394 million in cash!
Official #2: I'm sorry, boys. [to Official #1] Put the, uh, Duke brothers' seats on the exchange up for sale at once. Seize all assets of Duke & Duke Commodities Brokers, as well as all personal holdings of Randolph and Mortimer Duke.
Randolph Duke: My God... [clutching his heart] ...we're ruined.
[He begins to totter on his feet]
Mortimer Duke: This is an outrage! I demand an investigation! You can't sell our seats! A Duke has been sitting on this exchange since it was founded! We founded this exchange! It's ours! It belongs to us!
Randolph Duke: My God...
[He collapses]
Official #2: Mortimer, your brother's not well. We'd better call an ambulance.
Mortimer Duke: FUCK HIM! Now you listen to me! I want trading reopened right now! Get those brokers back in here! Turn those machines back on! [shouts, echoing throughout the trading hall] Turn those machines back on!

[Randolph is being wheeled out on a stretcher]
Mortimer Duke: You and your Nobel Prize! You idiot!
Randolph Duke: Where's Beeks? Where in the hell is Beeks?
Louis: [to Billy Ray] Beeks!
Billy Ray: [to Louis] Yeah, I forgot all about that guy.
[Tramp steamer. Beeks is still gagged and bound in a gorilla costume, and caged with the male gorilla from the train.]
Dock worker #1: Okay, one male gorilla.
Dock worker #2: Wait a minute. There's two of them in that cage.
Dock worker #1: One gorilla, two gorillas. Big deal. Whole bunch is getting sent back to Africa. It's a big scientific experiment. What do I know? Anyway, they're in love.
[The male gorilla grunts contentedly.]

Louis: Looking good, Billy Ray!
Billy Ray: Feeling good, Louis!

Taglines[edit]

  • They're not just getting rich... They're getting even.
  • Some very funny business.
  • Take two complete strangers, make one of them rich the other poor... just watch the fun while they're... TRADING PLACES

Cast[edit]

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
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