Tropic Thunder

Tropic Thunder is a 2008 film starring Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downey Jr. as a group of prima donna actors making a Vietnam War film when their fed-up writer and director decide to abandon them in the middle of the jungle, forcing them to fight their way out. It was directed by Ben Stiller and written by Ben Stiller and Justin Theroux.

Jeff Portnoy

• [to Four Leaf] You grew hands?!

• I don't wanna die like Hendrix!

• [after catching the bat that stole his drugs] Ya! Now you're dead! You OD'd!

• No, you can't have any fuckin' jellybeans!

• Don't judge meeeeeeee!

• It doesn't matter what I do. I'll always be a screw-up, and no one will ever respect me.

• They only laugh at my farts.

• [after knocking out two guards with heroin] Let's go. We only have 16 hours before they wake up.

• AHHHH! I fuckin' hate movies! This is bullshit; I don't wanna be in this shitty movie, even if it will be better than the Thunder From Down Under

Kirk Lazarus

• He's not playing God. He's being judged by him.

• Want some? Get some!

• Yo asshole! This motha' fucka's dead. Ain't no Criss Angel Mindfreak, David Blane trapdoor-horseshit, jumpin' off here!

• Stop tailgatin' me, ya pasty teabag! I'ma go potty. Wanna hold my dick?

• All right, now see how agitated he is right now? L-let's make lemonade.

• Me?! I know who I am! I'm the dude playin' a dude, disguised as another dude!

• Man, I don't drop character 'till I done the DVD commentary.

• My farm? Here's my motherfucking farm! I'm a lead farmer, motherfucker!

• Yeah! And we trained actors, motherfucker.

• I don't read the script, script reads me.

• Cover me, you limp dick fuckups!

• You more shredded than a Julienne salad, man.

• Same thing happened to me when I played Neil Armstrong in 'Moonshot.' They found me in an alley in Burbank, trying to re-enter the earth's atmosphere in an old refrigerator box.

• I'm just like a little boy, playin' with his dick when he's nervous.

• Who in crikey fuck is Half Squat?

• That smelled just like bologna for some reason.

• You was fartin' in bath tubs and laughin' your ass off.

• But Simple Jack thought he was smart, or rather didn't think he was retarded. So you can't afford to play retarded- bein' a smart actor. Playin' someone who ain't smart, but thinks he is- that's tricky. It's like playin' with mercury. This is- a science, this is a high art, man! You an artist. Hats off for goin' there. 'Specially knowin' how the Academy is about that shit.

• Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, 'Rain Man,' look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sho'. Not retarded. You know, Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump.' Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. Plus he was a war hero. How many retarded war heroes do you know? Peter Sellers, 'Being There.' Infantile, yes. Retarded, no. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001. 'I Am Sam.' Remember? Went full retard, went home empty handed.

• After lunch, we come back to the same scene; lost in the Goddamn jungle with Captain Simple Jack.

• One week down, two weeks behind; G.I. Joe can't cry, don't matter cause you ain't got the cameras turned on anyway. LET'S PARTY!

• Pump yo brakes kid, [about Crocodile Dundee] that man's a national treasure.

• Man, everyone is gay once in a while! It's Hollywood!

• Ain't nobody doing nothin' to no one or 'body! Now, if Mr. Portnoy feelin' a little fluish, don't wanna walk, put him up on that cloven-hoof animal.

• [After Alpa says the N-word to Kirk] For four hundred years... that word... has kept us down.

• [Talking with Alpa Chino] Now you about to cross some fuckin’ lines.

• [Talking to Tugg about abandoning the movie] Suck my unit.

Tugg Speedman

• [as Simple Jack] I ain't gotta g-ggg-gg-good brain.

• [as Simple Jack] You m-m-m-mmm-m-make me happy.

• [picks up severed head] I think I can spot a prop head when I see one![people around him gag while he plays with the head]

• [the boy hands him a box, he removes the cloth from the box and looks inside] A little twig-man oscar. I'm going to call you half-squat, and you can call me...papa

• Why's a man got to pick up sticks against another man?

• [in trailer for Scorcher VI] Who left the fridge open?

• The dudes are emerging...

• [as Simple Jack] Mama, I'll see you again tonight in my head movies. But this head movies makes my eyes rain!

• Load and lock!

• I'm a rooster illusion.

Alpa Chino

• Look, I'm Alpa Chino! 'I Love Tha Pussy', aight? Lay yo ass back down and look at the stars.

• Drink Booty Sweat, baby! Drink Booty Sweat!

• He die, he'll probably die a crotch-less motherfucker!

• You're Australian! Be Australian! Excuse me, Kangaroo Jack!

• It's "Viet Cong." There's no "s," it's already plural. You wouldn't say "Chineses".

• I'm sorry a dingo ate your baby.

• I'm not gay!

• [Promoting his drink] Man, I'm thirsty. Might as well have some of this Booty Sweat I got back in Da Nang.

• I love the pussy hell yeah, hell yeah!

Kevin Sandusky

• Don't drink that water! That water's like a petri dish!

• What the fuck!?

• Wow! The insecurity level with you guys is ridiculous!

• Hey, fellas... it's hot! We're tired! It stinks!

• Fuck it, we can deal with him later.

Cody

• [after blowing up a row of palm trees with napalm] Mother Nature just pissed her pants suit!

• Damian, what's the dealie dude? Are we gonna blow up this tree line or what? Tuk-Tuk and Kim got the blue balls and I wanna let em squirt it for a go... Peter, can he hear me?

• [right before he detonates a huge line of explosives in the forest] BIG ASS TITTIES!

• [rigging a bridge with explosives] Oh, my God! I'm going into catering after this!

• That's C-4, dipshit. Put that back. I said a detonator! I need some dudes who speak American god dammit! He's making a fucking sweater here, I'm tryin' to put Tiger Balm on this jungle's nuts.

• [to Four Leaf] Yeah, you're the Milli Vanilli of patriots, okay? You lied about fighting in the Vietnam War. It's like - it's like punching the American Flag in the face, goddammit!

• I don't know what it's called; I only know the sound it makes when it *lies*!

• I don't wanna come off as weird but, uh, I might be your biggest fan. [pause] Yup.

Les Grossman

• Fuck the jungle.
• Cockburn, from now on my fist is going to be so far up your shithole that every time you have a thought, it's gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring...

• Look, fuckstick, I'm incredibly busy. So why don't you get the hell out of here before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass...

• [To Damien Cockburn]This is all your fault, you limey fuck!

• Let's face it, the kids aren't exactly dressing up as The Scorcher for Purim anymore.

• Okay Flaming Dragon, fuckface. First, take a big step back... and literally fuck your own face! I don't know what kind of pan-Pacific bullshit power play you're trying to pull here, but Asia, Jack, is my territory. So whatever you're thinking, you'd better think again! Otherwise I'm gonna have to head down there and I will rain down an ungodly fucking firestorm upon you! You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I am talking scorched-earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I will fuck you up! [hangs up] [to assistant] Can you find out who that was?

Others

• Rick Peck: I got the TiVo! My friend wants a TiVO, my friend gets a TiVO!

• Rick Peck: I'm here with Les Grossman and he can't wait to tell you why he has apparently wiped his ass with the TiVO clause in your contract!

• Scorcher Preview Narrator: Now, the only person who could make a difference before, will make a difference again! Only this time... It's different.

• Rob Slolom: It's Les Grossman. He throws these words around; "crisis", "explosion", "not rolling", "fired". These are just words.

• Damien Cockburn: This goes to the chopper, and the chopper only, the chopper is God, and I am Jesus Christ; his son.

• Damien Cockburn: Let's go and make the greatest war movie ever... Oh. [steps on a land mine and gets blown up]

Dialogue

Tugg Speedman: What is with you people?!

Kirk Lazarus: Huh?! What do you mean, "you people?"

Alpa Chino: [stares at Lazarus, and then gets angry] What do you mean, "you people?"

Kirk Lazarus: Huh?!

---

Tugg Speedman: There were times while I was playing Jack where I felt...

[pause]

Tugg Speedman: ...retarded. Like, really retarded.

Kirk Lazarus: Damn!

Tugg Speedman: In a weird way I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that is was ok to be stupid or dumb.

Kirk Lazarus: To be a moron.

Tugg Speedman: Yeah!

Kirk Lazarus: To be moronical.

Tugg Speedman: Exactly, to be a moron.

Kirk Lazarus: An imbecile.

Tugg Speedman: Yeah!

Kirk Lazarus: Like the dumbest mother fucker that ever lived.

Tugg Speedman: [pause] When I was playing the character.

Kirk Lazarus: You were the character.

---

Alpa Chino: Those guys were some trained soldiers.

Kirk Lazarus: But we trained actors motherfucker.

---

Kevin Sandusky: Tugg. Tugger. You're the last piece of the puzzle buddy. We need you! Your men need you. Are you with us?

Tugg Speedman: [pause] I'm a rooster illusion.

Kevin Sandusky: Fuck it. We'll deal with him later.

---

Tugg Speedman: This is insane. Are you really going to abandon this movie? We're supposed to be a unit!

Kirk Lazarus: Suck my unit.

---

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Wow. 8 Oscars, 400 million dollars at the box office, and you saved Tugg Speedman's career.

Les Grossman: I couldn't have done it without you.

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Really?

Les Grossman: No, dickhead. Of course I could. A nutless monkey could do your job. Now, go get drunk and take credit at all the parties.

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: I wouldn't do that.

Les Grossman: Ah... joking.

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Ah, there he is! Funny. You're a funny guy.

Les Grossman: Yeah. But seriously, a nutless monkey could do your job.

---

Jeff Portnoy: [shoves drugs in guards' faces] Take that you bastards! Oh hilarious!

[the guards drop to the ground]

Jeff Portnoy: Let's move! We only have 16 hours before they wake up!

---

[Jeff, Kirk, and Kevin have just learned Alpa is gay]

Jeff Portnoy: Hey, Alpa, if you come over here and untie me, I will literally suck your dick, right now.

Alpa Chino: Man, what did I tell you? I love tha pussy!

Jeff Portnoy: I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipe, and swallow the gravy.

---

[Tugg has just killed a panda]

Tugg Speedman: I killed one, Rick... the thing I love most in the world.

Rick Peck: A hooker. Oh Jesus, you killed a hooker!

---

Alpa Chino: Man, I'm tired of the Koala hugging nigga!

[Kirk smacks Alpa. Alpa tries to smack Kirk back, but he misses, and Kirk grabs him close to him]

Kirk Lazarus: For 400 hundred years, that word... has kept us down.

Alpa Chino:[turns, surprised, half whispers] What the fuck?

---

Alpa Chino: That's the theme song for the Jeffersons!

Kirk Lazarus: Man, just cause it's a theme song don't make it not true.

---

Rick Peck: Are you serious?

Les Grossman: You break down the door to my house all ants-in-your-pants, suckin' my left NUT... to get a Tivo scrap for the third runner-up Sexiest Man Alive 1998. And you're asking me if I'm serious!

---

Les Grossman: Speedman is a dying star. A white dwarf headed for a black hole. That's physics. It's inevitable.

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: We've been handed an incredible opportunity here, Peck.

Les Grossman: The universe....is talking to us right now. You just gotta listen.

[turns on Flo Rida's "Low" and begins to dance to the beat]

Les Grossman: See, this is the good part, Pecker. This is when the job gets fun! Ask....and you shall receive!

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: [dancing along] Right...

Les Grossman: You play ball....we play ball. I knoowwww.....you want the goodies!

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Welcome to the goodie room!

Les Grossman: You paying attention? I'm talking... G5, Pecker! That's how you can roll. No more frequent flyer bitch miles for my boy! Oh yeah! Playa....playa! Big dick playa!

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Swinging past ya knees!

Les Grossman: Big dick, baby!

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Yep.

Les Grossman: [turns off the music] Or... you can grow a conscience in the next five minutes and see where that takes you.

Rick Peck: Now let me get this straight. You want me to let my client of 15 years, one of my best friends, die in the jungle alone, for some money and a G5?

Les Grossman: Yes.

Rick Peck: [pause] A G5 airplane?

Les Grossman: Yes... And lots of money... playaaaa!

[turns on the music and dances again]

---

[Inside Entertainment interview with Speedman] :Tyra Banks: You have no real family, you're on the wrong side of 40, you're childless and alone. Somebody close to you said: "One more flop, and it's over."

Tugg Speedman: [pause] Somebody said they were close to me?

---

Byong: We no get money yet. Price now 100 million. You pay now, or tomorrow Simple Jack Die!

Les Grossman: Great. Let me get this down. 100 million... Oh, wait! I got a better idea. Instead of a hundred million, how about I send you a hobo's dick cheese? Then, you kill him. Do your thing, skin the fucking bastard. Go to town, man. Go to town! In the mean time and as usual, go fuck yourself.

---

Jeff Portnoy: :[delirious, heading towards a water buffalo] I need to bite its hide... and wear its stomach-skin like a unitard...

Kirk Lazarus: Ain’t nobody gonna do nothin to nobody!

---

[Walking through the jungle Kirk refers to the Academy and Oscar worthy performances]

Kirk Lazarus: Everybody knows you never go full retard.

Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?

Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, 'Rain Man,' look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sho'. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump.' Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. Peter Sellers, "Being There." Infantile, yes. Retarded, no. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, "I Am Sam." Remember? Went full retard, went home empty handed...

---

Alpa Chino: No, I always wanted to. I guess I just never had the courage to ask. It's complicated.

Kirk Lazarus: Nah! It's simple as pie man, you plant your feet on the ground, you look her square in the eyes you say "Hey! baby, you and me's goin' on a date, that's in the story"....What's her name?

Alpa Chino: .....Lance

Kirk Lazarus: You say 'Listen here, Lance'...Lance?! What the fuck did I just hear? Lance?!

Kevin Sandusky: Did you just say Lance?!

Alpa Chino: No! No, I didn't say Lance. I said Nance.

Kevin Sandusky: It sounded a lot like Lance.

Alpa Chino: Dammit, I'm Alpa Chino! 'I Love Tha Pussy', aight? Lay yo ass back down and look at the stars.

Kirk Lazarus: When you wrote 'I Love Tha Pussy', was you thinking about danglin your dice on Lance's forehead?

---

[Cody and Tayback are tied to a post in the Flaming Dragon compound]

Cody: Dude, dude, what the hell is going on here? Where are we?

Four Leaf Tayback: I have no idea, I've never been outside the states.

Cody: Wait what?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Did you make this whole goddamn thing up?! Dude you weren't even in the fucking service?!

Four Leaf Tayback: Yes! Of course! Coast Guard!

Cody: Coast Guard.

Four Leaf Tayback: Sanitation Department.

Cody: Oh my god! You're a fucking garbage man! Dammit! F.L. Tayback lies to me and the whole U.S. of A.

Four Leaf Tayback: I wrote the book as a tribute! I'm a patriot.

Cody: Yeah, you're the Milli Vanilli of patriots okay? You lied about fighting in the Vietnam War. It's like - It's like punching the American Flag in the face goddammit! God, to think I believed you!

Four Leaf Tayback: Writers lie all the time!

Cody: [a guard bursts in] Can I be tied to another post please?

---

Kevin Sandusky: There's no way we make it over that ridge before sundown.

Kirk Lazarus: All right fellas, we're gonna make camp, rest up. Y'all might be in for a treat. You know back before the war broke out I was a saucier in San Antone. I bet I could collar up some of them greens, yeah, some crawfish out the paddy, yo'! Ha! I'm makin' some crabapples for dessert now, yo! Hell yeah, ha!

Alpa Chino: [mocking Kirk] Hell yeah! Ha! That's how we all talk? We all talk like dis, "suh"? Yes suh, ha! Yeah mmm-hmm get some crawfish, and some ribs, ha! Ye-aah. You're Australian! Be Australian! Excuse me, Kangaroo Jack!

[hops away like a kangaroo]

Kirk Lazarus: [confused] I get excited about my foods, man.

---

Kirk Lazarus: Action Jackson can't cry, that's what's going down.

Tugg Speedman: You know what Kirk, I'm ready to do the scene!

Kirk Lazarus: What scene!? The scene is about emotionality. Where is it!? Now it's time to flip the script! We'll be here 'til Chinese New Year waitin' for my man to cry.

---

Alpa Chino: And why am I in this movie? I guess I had to represent, cause they had one good role for a black man, and they gave it to Cracker-dile Dundee!

Kirk Lazarus: [turns serious] Pump your brakes, kid, that man's a national treasure.

Alpa Chino: I just wanna throw another shrimp in your barbie!

Kirk Lazarus: That shit ain't funny!

Alpha Chino: I'm just fucking with ya, Kangaroo Jack! I'm sorry a dingo ate your baby!

Kirk Lazarus: You know that's a true story? Lady lost her kid. Boy, you about to cross some fucking lines!

---

Kirk Lazarus: Alpa and I are already wearin' Earth Mamma's natural night camo.

Alpa Chino: Cool it, Benson!

---

Alpa Chino: [watching Tugg reenact Simple Jack] Damn. And I thought the movie was bad.

Kirk Lazarus: Well to give the man credit, he has eased up on the retard throttle a little bit. That creates a balance so the audience can connect. I mean this is theater 101, but he's had a hard t- bit of a hard time becomin' more naturalistic. Break down the aesthetic distance and then- (Alpa slaps him)

---

Les Grossman: What you gotta do is pull down their pants and spank their ass, you spank it.

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: You spank that ass Les!

---

Kirk Lazarus: [Alpa reveals he is gay] Man, everyone's gay once in a while! This Hollywood!

Alpa Chino: I'm not gay! I love tha pussy!

---

[Video conference with the directing team after 4 million dollar failed explosion]

Les Grossman: [communicating with the production team in a video conference] Which one of you fuckfaces is Damien Cockburn?

Damien Cockburn: Uh, that's me, sir. It's an honor to finally meet you. Get some face time.

Les Grossman: And who here is the key grip?

[the key grip raises his hand]

Les Grossman: You? You! Hit that director in the face, really fucking hard!

Key Grip: [reluctantly walks over to Damien] Sorry, man.

[punches him in the face]

---

Kirk Lazarus: [to Tugg] We're tired of being your trail donkeys! Wandering around the jungle like you some kinda one man GPS! We lost man! We fucking super-lost!

Kirk Lazarus: [to Kevin] Tell him McKlutsky! Tell him what time it is!

---

Jeff Portnoy: So, what's the plan, man? You gonna talk Vietnamese to those dudes?

Kirk Lazarus: No, no. Mandarin Chinese. What I can tell, it's what they're speaking down there.

Jeff Portnoy: How the hell do you know Chinese?

Kirk Lazarus: Land of Silk and Money with Gong Li. Second Globe, third Oscar. I prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months.

---

Tugg Speedman: Now, let's go get those Viet Congs.

[cocks his gun]

Alpa Chino: "Viet Cong!"

Tugg Speedman: What?

Alpa Chino: It's "viet cong." There's no "s," it's already plural. You wouldn't say "Chineses..."

---

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: You are going to get this in a wide shot, right?

Damien Cockburn: Of course I'm gonna get it in a fucking wide!

External Links

• Tropic Thunder quotes on IMDB