Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place

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Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place is a television series which ran from 1998 to 2001.

Contents

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Pilot

Berg: Why can't you just let me be happy?
Pete: Because it's not fair to the rest of us!
Sharon: What's up with him?
Berg: He's breaking up with Melissa.
Sharon: Good.
Pete: What? I thought you liked her.
Sharon: I lied!
Berg: I didn't want you blaming me for screwing up the rest of your life, so I went over there to get you two back together!
Pete: And?!
Berg: And she never wants to see you again!

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and a Presentation

Berg: Med-School is all about love and toys.
Pete: As long as you're in it for the right reasons.
Pete: What are you doing? I thought you were studying.
Berg: I am.
Pete: You're watching General Hospital!
Berg: (interrupting Sharon yelling at him) Hold that thought, I may have poisoned Pete.
Sharon: Man, that is so unfair! On the one day I could really hate you, Pete steals my thunder!
Berg: Don't be mad at Pete!
Pete: Anyone with a lawn that nice has to have something buried underneath it.

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and a Guy

Pete: (to Sharon about Ted) My God! See, first he's got you wearing scarves, then he's got you eating vegetables, next thing you know it's "Come on Sharon, let's smoke some crack".
Pete: Guys' night out.
Sharon: I'm a guy!
Berg: You lost your guy rights when you put on the scarf.
Berg: We sit on the upper deck and when the guy says, "This is where Paul Revere took his midnight ride," we both yell, "Yeah! On your Mom!"
Bill: Exercising the First Amendment.
Berg: When I do that bit with Sharon, people laugh. When I did it alone, they said, "Honey, move away from that man."
Pete: I love Melissa, just not at a Celtic game, you know? I mean every time they miss a shot, she says, "It's gonna be okay sweetie."
Bill: What does Sharon do?
Pete: Ah well, Sharon screams, "Hey! You make 7 million a year. Make the (Berg slams the pizza paddle on the counter)-ing shot!"
Pete: Oh Berg, no more medical experiments.
Berg: Just remember my eyedrop experiment paid for that couch.
Pete: Hey, Berg? What color would you say that couch is?
Berg: (squinting at the grey couch.) I don't know...blue!
Berg: We're gonna have to be...
Pete: No, no! Don't say it...
Berg: ...Mature.
Berg: Sharon hasn't been around all week, so I couldn't score stamps.
Pete: Oh. Oh well, listen...I'll give you the name of her connection. The post office!

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and a Celtic Game

Melissa: Well, today, we learned all about the letter B. We baked bread, we studied butterflies, the student of the day was Billy Bumstead.
Sharon: Oh, well, I learned all about the letter S today. That I'm the self serving sellout, who's giving our environment a super sly drink, all for a sports car and a salary.
Pete: We're playing the Bulls!
Berg: The Celtics are playing the Bulls. You...didn't make the team.

(Sharon just found out about the stolen banner)

Berg: She knows.
Pete: She does?
Berg: Act dumb.
Pete: "We are dumb.

(They go over to Sharon)

Sharon: Are you guys nuts?
Berg: I'm nuts...this is my partner, pretzels.
Pete: What seems to be the problem, ma'am?

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and an Apartment

Berg: So what am I supposed to do?
Sharon: Yeah, Pete, I hope you and Melissa really gave some thought to how this is gonna affect Berg.
Berg: No, what am I supposed to do when I see her? Around the neighbourhood or at the pizza place. Do I like... hide behind a mailbox? Do I say 'Hello'? Do I try to trip her?
Pete: You say 'Hi' to her you big dummy. When she comes in to the pizza place you treat her like everybody else.
Sharon: Yeah, you just screw up her order and give her the wrong change.
Sharon: I'm leaning towards Max Larson.
Berg: No way! He lives with his mother and drives a van with no windows.
Sharon: So? He likes his privacy.
Berg: Yes, because he's a serial killer!
Berg: How can you medical people go around playing fast and loose with something like estrogen? Well, I'm sorry I lied, but you gotta help me. I'm in a bad way. I'm taping Guiding Light, man!
Berg: You know Pete, nothing says "I Love You" like a pathetic lack of commitment.

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and a Softball Team

Pete: Bill, if you sponsor us it will be great publicity for the pizza place.
Bill: Yeah, like the 1985 Beacon Street Little Cheeses.
Pete: But they made the headlines.
Bill: For being the first team in Little League history to lose every game. They were always drowning their sorrows in my free pizzas. They got so fat I had to drive them to the games in groups of three.
Sharon: All right girls, let's hit the cages.
Bunny: Oh, I don't feel like dancing.
Sharon: The batting cages.
Sharon: You expect me to play with a team of chicks?
Madeleine: Hey squirt, three of us play for Boston College.
Leanne: I play for Florida State.
Bunny: And I play the main stage at 'Topless Topless Topless'.
Berg: I have a dream...a dream where women are free to roam all fields, not just right...but center, left, and yes -- even shortshop.
Sharon: Even pitcher?
Berg: Sorry, kitten -- that's man's work.

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and a Recovery

Pete: Who are you to tell me what I need?
Berg: I'm your doctor.
Pete: You're not well enough to be anyone's doctor.
Pete: Where do I meet this rebound girl?
Berg: I don't know. Sharon, where do guys meet you?
Berg: (to Pete) Where you going?
Pete: To the psychiatric ward. To find out why I'm friends with you.
Pete: Berg, what are we gonna do with two women that we've picked up in a bar?
Berg: Don't make me get my anatomy book.

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and a Party

Bill: I thought your birthday was in May.
Pete: Nope, that was just a rumour started by my birth certificate.
Berg: I think I really like her.
Pete: Why, because she doesn't fall at your feet?
Berg: And what is up with that?!?
Bethany: I wouldn't miss it for anything.
Berg: Well, what if both of your legs were caught in a bear trap and...you had a cold?
Bethany: I'd chew myself free and take a decongestant.
Berg: I love a girl with a plan.
Pete: Berg, I'm 24. Why did you make me 30?
Berg: You get better presents.
Pete: I don't want to be 30.
Berg: Act your age.

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and a Chance Encounter

Pete: You're jealous, but listen buddy, I'm always gonna be Pete, you're always gonna be Berg, and we're always gonna be Pete-n-Berg.
Berg: Shut up! You've gotta believe me! Molly's like...girlfriend of the corn!
Berg: Molly has...how can I put this...horrifying scary evil violent side!
Pete: I see...that must be why she baked you muffins this morning!
Pete: Why aren't you at work.
Sharon: It's toxic Awareness day?
Pete: I can't just jump into spontanaeity

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Delivery

Pete: I've known this woman for five months now and Berg thinks he can just waltz right in there and close the deal.
Berg: I object! Close the deal? I would like to apologise for his attitude towards women.
Sharon: Right. This coming from a guy with a VIP card at 'Topless, Topless, Topless'.
Berg: They have an excellent wine list.
Berg: This is an interesting brush stroke. What do you use?
Isabella: My naked body.
Berg: Really? Because we need our apartment painted.
Berg: I have to meet Bernie and Fitz at the gym at nine. We're watching intermediate aerobics.
Pete: Come on Berg, just go to the ten o'clock session.
Berg: That's advanced aerobics. Any girl with that kind of discipline, totally wrong for me.
Sharon: Just because Pete brings her pizza doesn't mean he's delivering the sausage.
Berg: I never...want to forget you said that.

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and How They Met

Pete: This girl is a nightmare.
Berg: She’s like us…but a chick. You know I’m going to do her the ultimate favor and not date her.
Pete: Me too!
Pete: She’s completely my type, she has conviction, she’s principled.
Berg: Yeah, yeah but under that she’s exactly my type - naked.
Sharon: Wait what about this? On behalf of all the crocs we just croaked we at the Immaculate Chemical Company would just like to say, “Whoops!”
Berg: After you have a drink with us.
Sharon: I can't drink.
Berg: Then why are you in college?
Bill: Tell me something. How come none of you guys date Sharon?
Berg: She's Sharon.
Bill: What's that got to do with anything?
Berg: Pete, explain it.
Pete: She's Sharon.
Berg: These Milli Vanilli guys are awesome. It's like their music sounds so effortless. You know? It's like they're not even singing.
Berg: Help me pick a new major, No, I'm serious. I need to make a decision, go ahead pick a major, any major.
Pete: Russian Economics.
Berg: Phew, glad that's over with.

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and a Dad

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and a Landlord

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and Someone Better

Berg: See, I realised something here tonight. Ashley is the most devious, conniving, double crossing woman I've ever met. We must have children together.

(Holding up a dress.)

Sharon: What about this one?
Pete: Hooker.
Sharon: High class or street?
Pete: Jerry Springer.
Berg: See something you like?
Ashley: Wow. Where'd you get that line, because you need to give it back.
Berg: All they do is study, they're pathetic.
Pete: Yeah, yeah I know. I mean that's who I want operating on me, the guy who just wings it.
Sharon: Berg, there's nothing wrong with being number two. I mean just as many people remember the second man on the moon, Captain, uh, what's his face.
Berg: Yeah, well, your chemical company destroys the planet.
Sharon: True, but we're number one at it.
Pete: Berg, all this means is you're just going to have to study a little bit more.
Berg: Or, find out who is number one and take them down.
Pete: Yes, you're maturing nicely
Berg: Excuse me, I bet I can guess your phone number.
Girl: No you can't.
Berg: Okay, you got me, you'd better write it down.
Pete: So, if you were a brady... you'd be Jan!
Berg: You're enjoying this, aren't you?
Pete: Does it show?

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and a Vacation

Pete: You da Bomb!
Sharon: Where did he learn that?!
Berg: I just, don't know!

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and a Tattoo

Pete: Guys, come on -- for once I need my own life.
Berg: He can't have his own life. Especially when we got nothing going on.
Berg: What is wrong with you?
Sharon: I'm sorry, this is how we play. When one of us is down, ya kick em!
Berg: Ashley, what are you doing here?
Ashley: Well, it’s a women’s gym, so obviously I was in the back having a pillow fight in my panties.
Sharon: I hate my gym, all it is is a disgusting meat market. They lure men into joining by putting all the Silicon Sallies by the window so they can ogle them.
Pete: You didn’t make the window again, huh?
Sharon: No, third row.
Sharon: What happened to your hand?
Berg: I was so upset about the whole thing with Nicole that I punched a mailbox causing me physical pain and a possible federal crime.
Sharon: That’s the best you could come up with?
Berg: It’s better than ‘I was so upset I wrapped my hand in this bandage.’
Berg: A few years ago, I kinda met Nicole at a party.
Pete: Don’t tell me you slept with her.
Berg: Well, that kinda ruins the end of my story.
Nicole: Forget it. I’m not going to have it removed.
Berg: Alright so keep ‘Berg’. But how about writing the word ‘ice’ in front of it?
Nicole: No.
Berg: ‘Hinden’?
Nicole: I’m not touching it.
Berg: ‘Whoopi Gold’?
Berg: What am I supposed to do? Go up to every girl I meet at a party and say, “Excuse me, are you planning on dating Pete Dunville in 3 years?”
Sharon: You will not believe the humiliation I just suffered for you. I had to peek into every shower stall. I got three screams, two dirty looks, and an invitation to play golf.
Berg: Holy incompatability, Batman.

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and a Homecoming

Tim: I’m a stock broker now.
Pete: You manage money? In school you couldn’t manage to put on deodorant.
Pete: Oh Berg this is heaven.
Berg: I always knew heaven would have an open bar!
Johnny: Unlike you I’m proud of what I do.
Tommy: You’re not happy being a stripper?
Johnny: Tommy!
Sharon: You told him I was a stripper?
Tommy: Sorry, ‘exotic dancer.’
Sharon: And when it rains he gives me his jacket.
Deb: Rick gives me his jacket too.
Sharon: Yeah but Johnny isn’t an alcoholic.
Pete: Do you remember life before the luxury box?
Berg: Only vaguely.

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and an Elective

Pete: Wow, these are the blueprints to the original Fenway Park!
Berg: You know in real life it’s much bigger.
Berg: So tell me, how are we going to work through these negative emotions?
Pete: Well I’m going to lunge at you and beat you to death with my sports broadcasting book.
Berg: If he’s so smart, why does it take him four days to fix a jukebox?
Sharon: Cause every night when he goes home I break a different part.
Pete: And Lasasso dunks it! Just like a man!... (becomes uncomfortable) Of course, I don't mean to imply that women aren't as good as men, they're just slower!... It's like a handicap, but not a bad one! Hey, one day maybe we'll even have a woman president! We almost had a black president! (by this point Sharon is screaming at the radio for him to shut up while Berg is plastered right up against a window trying to get Pete to stop.)

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and a Psycho Halloween

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and an Internship

Berg: How was your first shift without me?
Ashley: Oh, it was horrible. People were being professional, Work was being done. No one even had the decency to follow me around with a jar of eyeballs, singing 'I Only Have Eyes For You'.

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and a Wedding

Pete: Aren’t ex girlfriends supposed to drop off the face of the earth and if they can’t do that at least be really miserable. Or get really fat.
Johnny: I already have a tux.
Berg: Of course for the jukebox repairman awards.
Ashley: You’re right. I do have feelings for you. There are you happy?
Berg: I’m happy, I’m stunned, I’m shocked, I’m a walking festival.
Ashley: It’s not that simple. The problem is I have a…
Berg: You have a what? A plane to catch? A rash?
Ashley: No Berg, I have a boyfriend.
Berg: I say we chip in and get the night vision goggles.
Sharon: Cause there’s nothing that says commitment and trust like surveillance equipment.
Pete: The real tragedy about all this is that tomorrow is the first day of Katie’s life without me.
Berg: Wasn’t that day four years ago after she dumped you?

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and Oxford

Sharon: You waltzed with her?
Pete: And a couple of tangos.
Sharon: And she gave you money? Pete you’re a hooker!
Sharon: Johnny is driving limos part time for some extra cash. It’s great, when he’s off duty we get to play ‘easy prom date.’
Ashley: You make me feel, you make me feel…
Berg: Like dancing?
Berg: How can what you have with Justin be so real if he can stand to be away from you for five months when I can’t even stand to be away from you for five minutes.
Sharon: Everybody's in love. You and Ashley, me and Johnny, Pete and his tricks.
Berg: Look at me, ok? I can't eat, I can't sleep. I'm a wreck. I mean, sure I still look good, but that's just genetics.
Berg: Ashley! Ashley!
Ashley's neighbour: Will you shut up?
Berg: Do you mind? This is a private conversation.

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and a Thanksgiving

Sharon: Wow. Thanksgiving at my place.
Johnny: Yeah. My sister makes a great Thanksgiving dinner, but I know yours is gonna be even better.
Sharon: I have to cook?
Pete: (Yelling to them upstairs through the window) Hey Sharon, here's another new tradition, close your window!

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and a Limo

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and a Christmas Story

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and a Gamble

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and a Proposal

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and Graduation

Sharon: I can't retake freshman English again!
Pete: Um Sharon, that's redundant. You don't need to say 'again' when you say 'retake.'

(Sharon hits him repeatedly with some papers.)

Berg: She is going to feel so bad...we must never let her forget this.
Pete: (chuckling) We never will.
Berg: She must never find out what happened that day.
Pete: And she never will.
Pete: [imitating Robin Leach] What would you do if you were young and beautiful and had a big bottle of champagne? You'd share it with your closest friends...and that's just what they did.
Sharon: Admit you did it.... or, tonight at dinner I'm gonna tell my father that you two squandered the thousands of dollars he spent to get me through college.... on a bottle of booze.
Berg': Well, I had to tell my father that I squandered thousands of dollars on booze to get me through college....

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and Valentine's Day

Berg: (to Shaun)... And as far as you using me to make Johnny jealous, well I'm putting a stop to that first thing tomorrow morning!
Irene: I think you'll feel better if you just let it all out.
Sharon: Okay, Pete was just trying to hang a mirror, he doesn't love you, I hate your sweater, and YOU'RE NOT FUNNY!
Berg: Here's to the end of the holiday trifecta -- Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day. Also known as the Misery Season.

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and the Storm of the Century (1)

Berg: Boston Bait and Tackle, since 1943. We'll be safe here, I mean, imagine how many storms this place must have weathered.
Vanita: Read the little print
Berg: Re-built in 1994

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and Ashley's Return (2)

Ashley: I hate you!
Berg: I despise you!
Ashley: I loathe you!
Berg: I'can get us a room!
Ashley: I can drive!
Berg: You just ruined my one chance at a healthy relationship!
Ashley: I'm so sorry! I just broke up your '35 second' relationship!
Vanita: Come on, we're all adults here.
Berg: No, you're pretty much the only one.

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and a Fighter

Sharon: I want everyone to know I am just here for Berg.
Ashley: Well, why do you think I'm here?
Sharon: According to the Bible, to balance good.
Pete: Hey, Ashley, you know what? Your flying monkeys were just in here looking for you.
Ashley: I see they left behind a munchkin.
Pete: All I could think about was how I was gonna get Berg back for giving Ashley a key.
Sharon: Me too.
Pete: What were you gonna do?
Sharon: Leave a message on his machine as an ex-girlfriend. You?
Pete: I was gonna leave a home pregnancy test kit on his dresser.
Sharon: Wow, that's good. You really put a lot of thought into that.
Pete: He's my best friend.
Pete: Ashley, how did you get in here?
Ashley: Well, I figured you'd do something stupid like change the locks, so I left the window open a crack.
Pete: A crack? Oh, wait a minute, I forgot vampires can turn into mist.
Pete: If you're gonna wait, wait over there.
Ashley: Fine.
Pete: Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. I'm not pointing to the booth. I'm pointing to Rhode Island.

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and a Mother's Day

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and Barenaked Ladies

Sharon: Ashley and I have nothing in common, what are we going to talk about?
Pete: Do you have an interest in witchcraft?
Pete: Oh Ashley I like your perfume.
Ashley: Thanks Pete.
Pete: What is it? Brimstone?

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl and an Engagement (1)

Ashley: The nicest thing Pete ever said to me was “Oh wow that car almost hit you.”

(After finding out that Pete and Sharon kissed.)

Berg: How could you two do this to someone so wonderful?!
Pete: I know, I feel terrible about Johnny…
Berg: I’m not talking about Johnny I’m talking about me!
Ashley: Guys, guys, Sharon and Johnny are coming.
Berg: Damn! Stall!
Ashley: Brilliant! Because I was just going to warn you and then hurry them in. (Ashley runs out)
Pete: She's like a ray of sunshine. No, strike that. She's more like a death ray.

(Seeing Pete holding a slice of bread over the toaster.)

Berg: Are you just threatening the bread or are you waiting from a call from the governor?
Pete: She’s in love with Johnny.
Berg: Who says she can’t be in love with you too?
Pete: You!
Berg: It’s ludicrous because Sharon only loves Pete as a friend.
Ashley: And what’s a better basis for a marriage than love and friendship?
Berg: Sex! Money! An alliance between kingdoms!
Ashley: We were in a restaurant, he got down on one knee and said “Ashley will you marry me?” And I said yes.
Berg: So what, you changed your mind before the wedding?
Ashley: No.
Berg: Um Ashley, if this story doesn’t end tragically I’m going to be very upset.
Berg: You’re going to propose?
Johnny: Yeah.
Berg: Do you know all her family lost their money?
Johnny: I don’t care.
Berg: Is she pregnant? Are you an illegal alien? Do you need a kidney?
Johnny: I love her.
Berg: Congratulations! Her family is loaded!
Berg: Sharon is our best friend, if we find out your cheating on her we’ll kick your ass!
Johnny: You two are going to kick my ass?
Pete: We have friends.

[edit] Season 3

[edit] A New Hope (2)

[edit] Au Revoir Pizza Place

Sharon: Actually, we're engaged 'in theory.'
Pete: Oh, that's great, congratulations. I'd explain it to Collette if I spoke French, and understood what you were talking about.
Sharon: Why is everyone having such a tough time with this? It's very simple; an engagement is a promise to be married. and I am promising to be engaged, which in theory is a promise to be married, hence we are engaged in theory.
Johnny: Good luck finding a card for that.

[edit] Teacher's Pet Peeve

Ashley: What are you doing here? Didn't want to be alone in the building with Johnny?
Pete: You know...I don't appreciate your lucky guesses.
Dr. Peel: Sorry, surnames A to F are with Dr. Gordon.
Berg: Please, you can't make me go back there, the man is dead and no-one has notified him!
Pete: Ashley patched it up for me.
Dr. Peel: Seems like a good job, Dr. Walker, although maybe a little tight. Dr. Bergen, why should you not bandage the wound too tightly?
Berg: Well the medical reason is that the wound needs some air to heal...but the real reason is that Dr. Walker doesn't like Pete.
PA Announcement: Dr. Bergen report to the OR.
Berg: If you'll excuse me, I have lives to save.
PA Announcement: And bring a mop.
Dr. Peel: Dr. Bergen, can you help the nurses with the filing?
Berg: But, you don't have any of the other residents do that.
Dr. Peel: No, you're right, you'll be the first, maybe we'll put up a plaque!
Ashley: Has Johnny ever asked you to chop wood with him before?
Pete: No.
Ashley: Huh, interesting timing
Berg: John Goodman's mini-bike isn't ridden this hard!

[edit] Career Day

[edit] Sunday in the Apartment

Pete: This is really important to me. I’m making good money now.
Johnny: Money isn’t everything.
Pete: Yeah, that’s what people who don’t make money say.
Ashley: I can’t stand pork. I can’t smell it. I can’t look at it. I can’t have it anywhere on the table.
Pete: Right, I forgot. They don’t eat their own.
Pete: I can’t believe you guys forgot. You’re a bunch of insensitive, self-centered jerks.
Ashley: Where’s Irene?
Pete: I ditched her at the theatre.

[edit] Halloween 2: Mind Over Body

(screaming is heard outside the door,Pete opens the door and sees Irene)

Pete:Irene you were screaming!
Irene:Oh,yeah,I must have been thinking outloud.Guess what I am.
Ashley:A danger to yourself.

[edit] Berg's New Roommate

[edit] Foul Play

[edit] Talking Turkey

[edit] Liver and Learn

[edit] A Moving Script

[edit] Out with the Old

Pete: This century's gonna suck!
Robert Goulet: (on touring, to IRENE): I miss my cats. I have seven, you know.
Irene: (excitedly) Really?!!! Wow! Between the two of us, we have almost FIFTY cats!

[edit] Bridesmaid Revisited

[edit] The Monitor Story

[edit] The Wedding Dress

Sharon: When did my values get so out of wack? I never used to be like this, I wanted simpler things.
Pete: Well . . . you have Johnny.

(Ashley's hand is stuck in the garbage disposal)

Johnny: How many years of school have you had?
Ashley: A year of prep school, four years of college and three of medical school.
Johnny: And yet you are going to die in a sink.
Berg: Look at all the women I'm not going to marry.
Pete: (Lifting a detatched arm of a mannequin) This was no boating accident
Sharon: Quick! Do something!
Berg: What?
Sharon: Throw Pete through the window!
Johnny: You would look great if you showed up in overalls.
Sharon: Yes but I want our wedding to be different than your sisters'.
Pete: Don't beat yourself up, Ashley will get over you.
Berg: Oh I don't know... I'm pretty special.
Sharon: (wants Berg to get her the dress another woman has) I've seen you talk a woman out of a dress--for once, use your powers for good!
Ashley: I've always dated smart guys who can't change a lightbulb. Regular people are refreshing.

[edit] A Rookie Script

Berg: I may not be the prize cow at the county fair and I know a lot of you think I'm not worth spit, but I beg to differ. I'll have you know, I'm worth tons of spit.
Berg: Did you see that guy hogging the spotlight?
Pete: I know, it just sickens me when a sports hero takes time out of his busy schedule to raise money for kids.
Germ: Thanks for helping me get this orderly gig. How long do I have to work here before they make me a doctor?
Ashley: Pete, hey, isn't a beautiful day?
Pete: I don't know, why don't you go away and I'll find out.
Sharon: Everything has to go.
Berg: But what if butt ugly comes back into style?
Sharon: Ashley has a new boyfriend?
Berg: Who is he?
Irene: I don't know.
Berg: Ah, well here is one of Pete's socks for your trouble.
Berg: Pete, everyone is staring at you. Because your standing next to me.
Ashley: (kissing Irene's cat) he's just a little cutie!
Irene: Oh, thank you!
Ashley: Oh, you're just a little cutie (kissing Irene too)
Berg: Oh, and she's just a little creepy!

[edit] Feast or Fireman

Berg: Pete, what are you doing here?
Pete: I just had a physical.
Ashley: So I was wrong you could pay someone to touch you.
Sharon: I love reading to kids their eyes are just so wide and glistening.
Ashley: That’s the Demerol.
Berg: Some day your children will ask you about this day and you’ll say, “Yes he was that good.”
Germ: Let’s get you in that backless hospital gown.
Pete: I’m going to be a fireman.
Berg: Well, I’d love to stay and talk to you about it some more but I have to get ready for astronaut school.
Ashley: My thumb is killing me from giving all those injections.
Berg: Yeah I don’t know how those junkies do it.

[edit] Once Again From the Beginning

Berg: Do you remember what he wrote on your anniversary card? 'Happy anniversary. It's been cool getting to know you. You're really cool. Stay cool. Johnny.'
Pete: And he wrote that in only two days.
Pete: My grandma always says the harder the choice the sweeter the rewards.
Berg: She also says that Winston Churchill shovelled her driveway.
Pete: You can't prove he didn't
Ashley: You are so funny, is it the celibacy?
Pete: That's nice. You know I take great comfort in the fact that there is a team of Japenese scientists working around the clock to destroy you.
Berg: Johnny is writing his own vows? All right, limericks!
Ashley: Hey, what's going on?
Pete: I don't know, I said your name and the stove just burst into flames!
Pete: Ashley, what's that ugly thing on your shoulders?

[edit] War Stories

[edit] Two Guys, a Girl, and Bachelorette

[edit] Love Shack

[edit] Another Moving Script

Berg: (arguing with Pete) Fine, FINE! I'm sleeping on the couch!....Which is just stupid because I have my own room!

[edit] The Undercard

[edit] El Matrimonio Loco

[edit] Season 4

[edit] The Bear

Irene: All evidence of our misguided tryst must be destroyed
Berg: You’re not going to kill me, are you Irene?
Irene: Don’t be silly, would I tell you if I was?
Irene: Good morning.
Berg: Good morning.
Irene: You want breakfast?
Berg: No thank you.
Irene: You want to get the hell out of my bed?
Berg: Yes please.
Berg: Trust me, I’m more embarrassed about this than you are.
Irene: Because of Pete?
Berg: Sure. why not.
Ashley: I came down to change your bandages.
Pete: Why, do they need changing?
Ashley: No I just need cheering up.
Johnny: Don’t you’ll make me cry.
Sharon: Are you crying because you are an idiot cause that’s why I’m crying. This place is a dump!

[edit] Meat

Ashley: (Entering Johnny's new house.) Wow. It really makes you wonder what it takes to condemn a place.
Pete: (To Berg) We're having a surprise housewarming party for Johnny and Sharon.
Germ: I don't have the address.
Pete: Well, meet me at the party and I'll give it to you there.

[edit] 15 Minutes of Shame

[edit] The Satanic Curses

Berg: Guys, look at what we've become. We're supposed to be sending one of our best friends to hell yet all we can do is bicker and backstab each other.

Berg: Pete and Marty just broke up. Irene: Get out! Berg: Serious! Irene: No,no! GET OUT!

[edit] A Germ Runs Through It

Germ: (At the hospital) I asked for you, you know.
Ashley: Lucky me. I feel just like the pretty hooker in a Vegas whorehouse.
Berg: If you are about done I could use a break.
Ashley: How many times have you told Irene that?
Berg: I really wish you would stop making jokes about it.
Ashley: And how many times have you told Irene that?
Ashley: OK, you've had your fun now get off me.
Berg: Boy does that bring back memories.
Sharon: I can't believe it only took you one hour. It has taken my husband two days.
Carpenter: I'm sorry, is he disabled?
Johnny: I take a lot of pride in doing this myself, my great grandfather built the house I grew up in.
Sharon: Well dig him up, you need help.

[edit] The One Without Dialogue

[edit] Disco Nights

[edit] My Dinner with Irene

Irene: Pete Dunville, I'm breaking up with you
Pete: I can honestly say I didn't see this coming
Sharon: (about Ashley) We are helping each other out; I need a job, she needs a friend.
Johnny: My wife is on a date with another woman.
Berg: Sweet.
Johnny: So did you tell Pete you and Irene are sleeping together?
Berg: No, I didn't want to ruin their date
Johnny: Let me guess, it's one of those restaurants where the waiters are rude, the portions are small and they make you wear long pants.
Ashley: And the forks are for eating, not scratching.
Johnny: How could you stand being around Ashley?
Berg: She let me sleep with her.
Pete: I don't think I'll be good company tonight.
Irene: You could be bound and gagged and you'd make good company.
Pete: You're picturing that right now, aren't you?
Pete: Oh what the hell, I've nothing better to do
Irene: Oh Pete, you know how to say all the right things!
Sharon: I can take care of myself.
Johnny: Yes but you just don't.
Johnny: I always thought you and Irene made a better couple.
Berg: Really?
Johnny: Yeah, I mean no matter how weird you act or how big of an ass you make of yourself, it doesn't seem to bother her.
Berg: What's that?
Pete: Well, at first look it's a date plaque, but since there's no such thing it is a piece of wood screaming "Danger! Danger!"

[edit] Drip

Pete: What the hell are you doing in my bed?
Berg: (sarcastically) Jogging.
Pete: Well you can't sleep here Berg. People talk as it is.


(Ashley checks her messages at home, but Berg is asleep in her bed)
Berg: Hello
Ashley: Uh, Who is this?
Berg: Well you called me, who do you think?
Ashley: Berg!?
Berg: Yep... (Realizing and getting up) No!
Ashley: Berg, What are you doing in my apartment?
Berg: I'm not in your apartment. Why would I be in your apartment? You know what happened here you uh, you started thinking about your ex-boyfriend Berg so you accidentally dialed me instead, you know...I understand. I'm more addictive than crack.
Sharon: C'mon. It's not like I don't want to. But, I mean, y'know we've got to act responsible here. It's not like we're teenagers.
Johnny: Are you making fun of my parents?

[edit] Rescue Me

(Berg, Pete and Johnny are waiting for Ashley and Sharon at an old folk's home)
Johnny: (looking at his watch) What is taking the girls so long? I'm getting hungry.
Berg: Yeah, I know, It's almost 4:30, we have to be asleep by 7.
(Johnny points a camera at Pete)
Pete: Where did you get that thing anyway?
Johnny: I bought it, for my baby, so we can record our first christmas as husband and wife.
Sharon: Isn't that sweet. (kisses Johnny)
Berg: How can you afford it?
Sharon: Go on. Tell 'em honey.
Johnny: I can't, I'm going to return it after the holidays.
Berg: (Lifting a glass) Here's to having a pulse.
Johnny: Ashley, you can't leave like this.
Ashley: Okay, well thank you Johnny.
Johnny: Yeah, you still got to pitch in your share.
Ashley: (putting down some money) Fine. Here.
Johnny: Woah. Okay, I don't know why I always have to play the cheapskate, but you forgot to pitch in... (turns the camera) for the wine.
Ashley: Why should I pay for the wine? I didn't even drink any.
Berg: Yeah, I just burped up like half my carrots, credit me 50 cents.
Sharon: Oh my god, Mr. Lockwood. Is he choking?
Berg: Sharon, I'm the doctor, okay. That's how old people breathe.
Berg: Look, It's finals time at Harvard. I say, we go and hang out under one of the dorm windows.
Pete: Nah, I don't want to save one of those guys.
Pete: (to Johnny) Hey, you're a big guy, go out onto the ice.
Berg: Oh, good idea. Okay, here's the plan, alright. When Johnny falls in, I'm going to pull him out, okay, and you're going to wrap him in a blanket.
Pete: Oh great, so you're the hero and I'm what, the stewardess.
Johnny: Forget about it. There's no way you're getting me out there on that ice.
(Pete grabs Johnny's wallet and throws it onto the ice)
Pete: Great, now you're wallets out there.
Johnny: Alright I need a stick.
Berg: I don't think a stick's going to reach that.
Johnny: No, to hit Pete.

[edit] Burning Down the House

(Berg breaks up his Mom's date with Stanley)
Berg: So... Stanley...What do you do for a living?
Stanley: I teach high school English.
Berg: That's very respectable. Where do you live?
Stanley: Over on Newberry.
Berg: Oh, that's a hip neighbourhood, you must be the cool teacher... What do you drive?
Stanley: I have a minivan.
Berg: Also known as a shagging wagon, I don't think so Stanley. (Opening the door) You just peddle your filth some place else.
Berg: Okay Mom, I'm only going to say this once. I don't like you're new friends. That Ashley girl, nothing but trouble.
Johnny: Pete, I had nothing to do with that fire.
Pete: Oh really, Where were you last night?
Johnny: I was at my Mother's.
Pete: Your mother's? What were you doing there?
Johnny: Drinking
Pete: Drinking at your Mother's house.
Johnny: She's hard to take.
Pete: So, if I was to call her right now, she'd back up your story.
Johnny: Who?
Pete: Your Mom?
Johnny: What are you doing with my Mom's phone number?

[edit] Give Mommy a Kiss

Sharon: (Reading the paper) Oh wow! Look at that. That stock that Ashley told us about has really gone down.
Johnny: (Dropping a plate in shock) Damn it, these dishes...are slippery.
Sharon: Thank god you were too chicken to buy more than one share. If it were up to me, I would have put all our money into that thing.
Johnny: Yeah, that would have been pretty dumb. Dodged a bullet there.
Sharon: Okay, I got to go to the store and get some coffee for the morning. Is there anything else that we need?
Johnny: No. Just coffee...(stopping Sharon as she leaves) and get that cheap kind! cause that's my favourite.
(Johnny grabs the phone)
Johnny: Ashley, when you get home will you get down here...(moves to put the phone down but picks it up again) It's Johnny.
(Johnny puts the phone down)
Johnny: (With his hands on his head) Boy I hope this isn't Aneurysm.
Johnny: (to Ashley) Have you seen the business section
Ashley: (looking at the paper) Huh, our stock is down a dollar.
Johnny: Not a dollar! Two dollars! That's twice that! Two times one, that's two! And it's all your fault.
Ashley: Here Johnny...(hands him two dollars) Here's your two dollars. Your retirement fund is now intact.
Johnny: You don't understand...(puts the money in his pocket) I sank everything we had into that stock.
Ashley: Huh, I'm not economist, but that was stupid... Why would you do that?
Johnny: I wanted to show Sharon that I'm a good provider. I wanted to put a big pile of money infront of her and say 'here, here's a big pile of money i made for you'.
Ashley: Well, the good news is now she can;t take anything from you in the divorce.
Johnny: No wait. I have a plan, I want you to kill me.
Ashley: I'd love to, but first why don;t you check the financial cahnnel. The marger went through you doubled your money.
Johnny: Wait, wait a second. Are you screwing with me?
Ashley: I was before, and it was fun. But now I'm not. Your a rich man Johnny.

[edit] I've Got a Secret

[edit] The Aftermath

Irene: How could you do this to Berg?
Pete: If anyone, I thought you would understand.
Irene: Well you thought wrong Batman, the boy wonder’s got his cape all in a bunch
Pete: Irene, can’t we talk about this later, Commissioner Gordon just sent out the bat signal.

[edit] An Eye for a Finger

[edit] A Few Good Firemen

Ashley: Germ, i dimend you retake this picture! ... Can you help me?
Germ: No! It's a camera, not the hand of God!

[edit] Adventures of Captain Karma

Ashley: Pete if you were anyone else I'd think you were coming on to me.
Pete: If you were anyone else maybe I would be.
Berg: I told Irene that I love her.
Pete: Really? Wow! I'm shocked! I mean I'm happy for you...no, not yet, I'm still shocked.
Pete: I hate romantic comedies.
Ashley: Why? Your whole love life is a joke.
Sharon: We are going to a business mixer tonight.
Johnny: I don't want to go to a business mixer.
Sharon: Sorry, I meant 'free booze.'
Katie: Oh my God! I know you, you're Mikey Bergen!
Berg: And you're...someone who knows me!
Katie: In my yearbook you told me to stay cool...so I did.

[edit] Make Mine Tea

Pete: You said wear black.
Sharon: I said wear something that blends in.
Pete: This does blend, I am the night!
Berg: My grandfather used to use an expression which I think might apply here.
Ashley: What was that?
Berg: 'Shut up Ashley.'
Ashley: Who was that?
Berg: Just a nice girl, that's why you don't know her.
Berg: I don't flirt with women Ashley, I talk to them. Is it my fault it comes out like music?

[edit] The Love Boat

Ashley: Would you do me a favor?
Pete: Yeah sure, you bend over and I'll pull out the stick.
Sharon: Why don't you ask Pete?
Ashley: What if he already has plans?

(Both burst out laughing at the idea.)

[edit] The Icewoman Cometh

Ashley: I need to talk to you.
Pete: Can't you come back when I'm not here?
Pete: Today I almost died.
Ashley: Underachiever.

[edit] Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Ashley: Why don't you tell me what the surprise is just to make sure I'm not disappointed.
Pete: You know I'm suddenly amazed you were asked out in college.
Ashley: I had a great time today. I'd never heckled Shakespeare in the park before.
Pete: Well you stole the show with, "Get a day job thou bloweth."
Roger: My insides are something special.
Berg: Well sucks for you that you weren't born inside out.
Ashley: We've got three days, strictly fun, no emotional attatchments. Just think of me as a soldier on a weekend pass.
Pete: OK but if you knock me up, you have to take me back to your country.
Ashley: I wasn't exactly popular in high school.
Pete: Really?
Ashley: People said I had a superior attitude but that's just probably because they were all so stupid.
Ashley: I never knew you'd be such a good lover.
Pete: Yeah and imagine me with a good partner.
Ashley: Well until recently I couldn't imagine you with a non-plastic partner.

[edit] The Internet Show

Pete: Well Ashley, am I going to be the father of Satan's spawn?
Berg: Pete I need a favour.
Pete: Sure.
Berg: Can you ask Irene for a cup of urine?
Pete: Why, are we out?
Ashley: I am definitely not pregnant.
Johnny: How do you know?
Ashley: Because I am about to start a medical residency 30,000 miles away at Stanford and if I were pregnant that would complicate things and therefore I’m not.
Johnny: That will be a good story to tell your illegitimate baby.
Johnny: Oh so Ashley told you she forgot to take her pill.
Pete: What?!
Johnny: Easy! She isn’t pregnant.
Pete: How do you know?
Johnny: She says she doesn’t want to be.
Ashley: I’m not pregnant!
Johnny: If you were it would be great. Your kid could look down on our kid and our kid could walk yours to therapy

[edit] External links

Wikipedia
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